Better Boundaries: When Others are Sad and Unhappy

 Real Skills Workshop - Community Event

RS 2021-08-15 Boundaries-1200x630

Better Boundaries: When Others are Sad and Unhappy

Real Skills Workshop: Be Calm and Confident

Hosts: Rick Wilkes (@Rick) and Cathy Vartuli (@Cathy)

Recorded Sun Aug 15, 2021

:point_right: See the replay below


Boundaries help us navigate people and experiences with safety, respect, and freedom.

It can be really hard to stay in a calm and confident place when people around us are sad or unhappy. Especially if we are really empathetic.

Cathy and I will be coaching and tapping to help sensitive beings (like us… and you?) to navigate emotional waters with a lot more savvy and presence.

:point_right: See the replay below

1 Like

I am soooo ready for this workshop! I am surrounded by others who are sad and unhappy and becoming more so by the moment. Meanwhile I continue to calm and confidence myself by giving myself a few moments of quiet and stillness.


My Heart Went Out to Them

Has the intensity of your empathy ever caused you serious distress?

When I would see people on TV, or read a true story, or see someone who was suffering, “my heart went out to them.”

I was even convinced this was a good thing! The alternative seemed to be one of those uncaring people. I refused (and probably couldn’t) be that way.

Yet, the expression “my heart went out to them” was truer than I realized.

My heart energy would leave my body. With my desire to reach out, support, help, and heal, a part of me would become over-intimate with their situation.

Our heart does not do well outside our body – emotionally and energetically.

In massage school my very wise teacher Christine noticed this energetic in me. When I was working with a client or practice person, when I felt their pain a part of me would…

It’s hard to put into words.

A part of me would start to feel so connected to what was happening in them that their relief became even more important to me than it was to them!

The clue she gave me was when we started to feel like we needed (!) to fix the situation before we could feel better ourselves, our energy had “gone out to them” when it (and our heartiness) belonged inside our being, nourished and strengthened by our physical and emotional presence… in service to their well-being, not in a “shared bond” with their suffering.

Wow. Did that shift make a difference.

She showed me how, when I started that feeling of “going out” to ground myself, to feel my own heart activate WITHIN me, to choose how to tune my energy for mutual wellness.

I needed Better Boundaries… and I’m imagining we all do.

With Adira, and I’ve included a picture this time when all isn’t shiny and happy in her world… if I forget (or am tired) and she cries out and my “heart goes out to her” it feels SOOOO different than if I take a powerful pause, center myself, and then engage.

(You might even notice what happens to your energy when you see her face… and practice.)

Of course, I had to clear some beliefs, some magical misconceptions, that to be a good person we have to “feel bad with people.” It’s not true, and it’s more useful for us and our resourcefulness if empathy informs us rather than enmeshes us.

Does this feel like an approach that would be helpful for you to explore? If so, Cathy and I will be coaching and tapping to support better boundaries when people are sad and unhappy.

:point_right: See the replay below

Rick & Cathy
Your Emotional Freedom Coaches
Schedule Private, Gliding Scale Coaching Sessions Here

P.S. Adira says, “Being a Human is Haaaaard sometimes. It’s okay to be sad and unhappy at times, and it’s okay for you to be there without becoming sad or unhappy yourself. Promise.”


I am NOT you… and I am WITH you…

How do we both keep our own balance and feel connected in a helpful way when someone else is sad or unhappy?

I have to admit that the energy around being “detached” has never been my answer to that.

I’ve received bodywork from someone detached. It didn’t feel good.

I’ve been listened to by someone who felt professionally detached from my experience… and it didn’t feel good.

But… I’ve also received bodywork from someone who over-identified with my pain and felt they needed to “make me feel all better” in order to feel good about themselves. That felt worse!

And… I’ve been listened to by someone who so over-identified with what was going on for me that their triggers all lit up! You can imagine what that felt like.

We’re exploring together, I feel, what it might be like to be an emotional resource and also keep our balance. How might we feel a connection while not getting embroiled or enmeshed or needing the other to feel okay again before we allow ourselves to feel okay?

My offering to you today, and one we’re going to engage with more in the workshop on Sunday is this:

1) I am NOT you…

It is not helpful and perhaps not even sanitary for us to assume that any other person’s feelings need to be inside us, too. What brought a person to a place where they are feeling unhappy or sad is their journey. Even though our empathetic nervous system and energy body is picking up on their state of being, this is NOT a call for us to sing the same song.

2) …and I am WITH you.

With you. How does that feel to you? If you’re sad and unhappy, and someone is offering their WITHness, is that strengthening for you?

I believe that Presence allows someone who needs to grieve to grieve in a healthier way – even if the presence isn’t right by their side. Presence can be felt across space and time. Presence also feels potent when we’re holding or being close heart-to-heart.

Presence WITH is a way we’re offering to help them regulate. It’s a signal to their primitive brain that they are held and accepted right where they are.

This frame of reference allows us to be resourceful in ways that are a YES for us. I am NOT you… and I am WITH you.

(Before we get to the invitation to the workshop, I want to be clear: this is optional. Emotionally free beings get to choose whether we are WITH another person. Yes, there are roles we choose like parent where presence is so core to the child’s well-being that choosing NOT to be with them is impactful. I still believe being clear that it is a choice helps us be a more balanced and generous resource than if we ever feel like we HAVE TO.)

Is this feeling like a useful approach for you to embody with those you care about who can get sad and unhappy?

If so, Cathy and I would love for you to be WITH us for this Real Skills Workshop on Aug 15th at 4pm EDT. (Yes, we know some of you will be busy being WITH others or even sleeping, so you’ll also get the recording.)

If you CAN support the workshop with a payment of $7.11 or more — your financial support matters so much and is essential towards to continuation of these potent sessions. Thank you!

If you can’t, well… by all means join us for free, as our honored guest. We know better boundaries helps us all!

:point_right: See the replay below

P.S. Adira says, “Your PRESENCE WITH me is such a gift, no matter my mood. And I am WITH you on this planet, in this Life… NOW.”


I am looking forward to this workshop because as an empath I do feel other’s emotions. Did you know that psychics often feel their client’s pains? Like if a client has a headache the psychic can feel it and says, “I have a headache”. The client will often say “Yes so do I”. Or “I’ve had one all night.” This helps the client realize that yes, the psychic is in tune and connected. The pains do not last though.


Our energy fields can exchange a LOT of information and some are certainly more tuned into that field of information and energy – and resonate with it to get clarity.


Better Boundaries: When Others are Sad and Unhappy - Workshop Session

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Better Boundaries: When Others are Sad and Unhappy
[00:00:00] All right. Welcome today. We’re talking about better boundaries when other people are sad. And one of the, one of the ways I don’t know about Rick, but I picked, I like recommend topics. Where can I go back and forth is something that’s coming up in our life. And this is something I struggle with because I was raised with people that were like, if I’m sad, you must do something, you must fix it.
[00:00:27] Um, and it can be really challenging to deal with other people’s sadness. If we have that, even if other people are not trying to manipulate us. So I’m Cathy, Martin Lee from the intimacy, dozer, dojo, and thriving now. And I’m here with Rick Wilkes from thriving. Now, thank you, KV and better boundaries to me means that we’re recognizing, um, our patterns in the way that we interface with others.
[00:00:53] And some of that’s logistical, like how do I, how do I meet up with people that are working on the same project? Um, how do I meet up with people that share the same bathroom? Um, and for those of us that are energetically sensitive, the boundaries and patterns that we have as Kathy mentioned, like. There’s an energy to sadness for those of us that are sensitive.
[00:01:18] I’m guessing a lot of us could walk into a room with our eyes closed. And if we really dropped in, we could probably tell like, oh, there’s a sad person in the room. And a lot of us are so good at micro-expressions and tracking others. And some of that is because we just had to track our parents in order to survive.
[00:01:43] So like that flicker of annoyance or that kind of heaviness in the lower lid that says, they’re not going to cry, but they’re like really near it. And that won’t be good for me. Um, we can be really good at it. And even like, my daughter didn’t have a traumatic childhood, but I’ll tell you, she is really aware of the underlying emotions, the emotions behind the mask.
[00:02:12] Um, So a better boundary is like, oh, what shows up as a pattern for me? When someone is sad, what shows up is a pattern for me when someone is unhappy. And, uh, if anyone looked at the picture of a Dera crying in the swing, um, you might’ve noticed what your, what your, your pattern is. And I’ve been noticing as, as a fresh dad again, that, um, there’s a real deep call for better boundaries.
[00:02:50] Um, and so that’s what we’re going to be exploring today. Some of it is like, Logistical, what are you willing and would not willing to do, or the things that you find yourself doing physically, um, when someone is sad or unhappy, um, that not really a yes for you, a better boundary would be well, what is a yes for me and to stay in that emotionally and energetically, do you get in mash?
[00:03:19] Do you, do you like, oh, this is so hard on my nervous system and my emotional body that I need to, to make it better for this person or else. Deal with it. Um, a better boundary. We’ll be exploring some of that too. The chat is open. Um, you’re not going to be on video unless you raise your hand and we call on you.
[00:03:43] Uh, please don’t please only raise your hand if you’ve read the, um, little paragraph in the email about, um, video permission, just to be clear, um, we have a lot to cover and we invite you to listen and tap along. If you’re, if you’re new to tackle. Yay boy. Uh, we’re not gonna be teaching tapping, but there is a, a great free slash tapping.
[00:04:08] And you can just listen and follow along and tap. Yeah, let me put that in the chat as well. So one of the things I was working with someone the other day, and I’m doing private coaching and they were like, I don’t actually think I know what a boundary is. So I just want to remind us all boundary is just basically a fence.
[00:04:25] It’s an indication that this is me and that is you. So like our, the edge of our skin is for some people a good, like this is my body. These are my feelings, my wants, and other people’s feelings and wants are theirs. So we have boundaries in that. This is me versus that as you and a lot of us grew up with not having those boundaries, we didn’t have that understanding.
[00:04:50] We didn’t get that role model when we were a little. And we also learned to accommodate the people around us. So I like the analogy of a teeter-totter. Most of us played on them when we were little, the T you know, like we’re balancing. So when we’re in relationship with people, we’re basically on a teeter-totter with someone else.
[00:05:10] And ideally we want to make sure our needs are getting met and the other person’s needs are getting met in that relationship and the agreements. Yes. Um, and I think for a lot of us, we learned early on that we had to give up our boundaries. Sometimes we had to give up and kind of accommodate the other person more than us.
[00:05:28] Um, whether it was a parent that was really dysfunctional and melting down or something else was going on for our survival brain. It’s smart. There are times when we want to just say, okay, I’m not going to worry about my boundaries right now. I’m going to get through this next 20 minutes or whatever, or this next year and get out of here, whatever it is.
[00:05:48] So like if our parents were dysfunctional, we might’ve had to say, wow, I really want space, but I better prop mama. Or there’s not going to be any dinner or there’s not going to be anyone to take care of me, which is a very, our survival brain is always worried about that. But as adults, we want to be able to have that balance.
[00:06:07] And some people have learned whether they mean it mean to manipulate or not. We’ve learned that if someone else has said they get extra weight on the teeter-totter. So, you know, like if, if your parent melted down a lot or your partner or a friend, we probably all have someone that can kind of like, ah, I really need help.
[00:06:26] So I’m going to be sad because I know that person will jump in and help me. And some people don’t mean it manipulatively, but it can still have an impact on us. Would you then tapping there? I think you said. You know that sense of me and you and that growing up, a lot of us didn’t have that differentiation.
[00:06:51] And some of that is, is normal childhood development. You know, the differentiation is something that we learn and develop, but I don’t think that we can easily do that. And last there’s that sense of me and you and we, um, and I’m just noticing my own body feeling a little Spacey from just touching on that.
[00:07:13] Um, yeah, just take a nice, yeah, just take a nice deep breath. What is your button? The chair, if you can, that is your feet on the floor. If that feels safe to you. See what, if you can notice the temperature under your feet or your toes and whatever the texture is. If you’re wearing shoes or your feet are on the floor of wood floor carpet, just notice in that sense, sensory part can help you get more in your body and another gentle, deep breath, karate chop, even though boundaries can be really hard, even though boundaries can be really hard.
[00:07:51] I don’t necessarily like knowing where my boundaries are. I don’t necessarily like knowing where my boundaries are, because then I won’t feel violated if someone crosses them, because then I won’t feel violated when some PT buddy crosses them. Sometimes it feels safer not to know. Sometimes it feels safer not to know.
[00:08:14] And I’d really like to learn, to take better care of myself. And I’d really like to learn how to take better care of myself and know where my boundaries are. I really don’t like this feeling. I really don’t like this. I feel a disowned, disassociated and scared. I feel disassociated and a bit scared side of the eye.
[00:08:40] I’m not sure. I want to know where I end. Not sure. I want to know where I am. A lot of people have stepped on my boundaries over the years. A lot of people have stepped on my boundaries over the years. I have a lot of sadness and anger about that. I have a lot of sadness and anger about that, and a lot of confusion too, and a lot of confusion, too heavy on the confusion.
[00:09:08] Okay. Color. When I feel very confused about them stepping on my boundaries, I feel very confused about them stepping on my emotional boundaries. Um, the VR. I’m not sure how to handle this. I’m not sure how to handle this. I don’t have to deal with it all at once. I am not going to deal with it all at once.
[00:09:32] And I can start noticing where I am right now. And I can start by noticing where I end right now, even in this group side of the eye, I’m here with a safe group of people that care I’m here with a safe group of people that care that have this in common. Yeah. And I’m still an individual person. Me and I am still an individual person.
[00:09:58] Me I’m in the middle is what if I notice where my skin ends, what if I notice where my skin and chin and I get to notice my own wants and needs. And I get to notice my own wants and needs collarbone. I’m not so good at noticing those things. I’m not so good at noticing those things. Sometimes under the arm, I’m much better at noticing other people.
[00:10:27] I’m much better at noticing other people top of the head and I can still practice and I can still practice. Just take a deep breath. So we really do have the ability to notice boundaries and feelings. I think, for noticing our own, a lot of us learned to turn that off because it was really painful. It’s painful to have wants, needs, desires, and boundaries, and have some, some people just when I was growing up.
[00:10:57] They don’t think they meant bad, but they didn’t understand the separation. They hadn’t been modeled it. They hadn’t been given that information by other people. And so my mother would tie me like, oh, I’m tired or I’m hungry, I’m sick. And she would literally say, no, you’re not. And I’d be like, huh? I thought that was what I was feeling.
[00:11:15] I’m really confused now because she needed me to be able to function. There was so much going on lots of toxicity. She needed me just not, she couldn’t deal with it. And so a lot of us grew up not having the experience of, oh, you get to have your feelings and your wants, you may not always get the met, but you get to have them and own them.
[00:11:34] And you get to say, this is my body. Don’t do that.
[00:11:40] Taking another deep breath and allowing gravity. To be a partner with you. So if you’re sitting or lying and you allow gravity to work, you can also feel the boundary between like your tissues and the seat. And there’s a place where you meet. And maybe the foam of the seat is doing a little bit of a dance, a little bit of a teeter-totter thing as you move.
[00:12:18] Might feel the sit bones pressing and a little bit more in one place than your thoughts. Okay. Bringing it physical. We recognize that like in an emotional space, there can be pressures and tensions that are happening emotionally. Like for me, yeah. I’m not feeling very resourced. Like my boundaries are weak and, and that’s a thing.
[00:12:49] Like we talked about the skin. For those of us that have studied the energy body, the emotional body, we know that the skin is not where we stop that. Um, they’ve mapped the heart field and its energy, and it extends out in a variety of different patterns, like a Tor Horus, P O R U S. I believe it’s spelled, um, and you know, our, our aura to use that term, our energy field, the human energy field extends out and it extends out at times, you know, we can be really extended.
[00:13:30] And that’s where in this process of better boundaries, being able to, to bring your focusing back in so that there’s, there is as you’re recalibrating. I think there’s a, a better boundary is one that you can recalibrate depending on your resourcefulness, where you are and things like that. I’d like to do, um, a short tapping around that.
[00:14:00] Is that okay? Okay. Yeah. Yeah. So I’m feeling gravity and there are places in our body where we hold tension. And if your boundaries are being like challenged, um, expect your physical body to be challenged, you know, and responding and reacting to that. So even just pausing for a moment and allowing gravity, just to release your jaw a little bit, maybe release your shoulders a little bit.
[00:14:30] I don’t, it doesn’t have to be a big change. We’re just changing the trend a little bit so that you’re in your, your body, your physical body with gravity. Okay,
[00:14:47] let me go to the side of the hand,
[00:14:55] even though I don’t stop at my skin, even though I don’t stop it, my skin just like a fence, doesn’t stop smoke from your neighbor. It just like a fence. Doesn’t stop smoke for my neighbors or the smell of their septic system, smell of their septic system, different kinds of boundaries. There are different kinds of birds.
[00:15:19] There’s different kinds of boundaries.
[00:15:25] I’m inviting unawareness of my emotional boundaries and I’m inviting an awareness of my emotional brown boundaries.
[00:15:39] I can be pretty sensitive. I can be pretty sensitive eyebrow. My heart can go out to others. My heart can go out to others. Sometimes it feels like it’s been ripped out. Sometimes it feels like it’s been ripped. That doesn’t feel so good. That doesn’t feel so good. And my energy field goes with it and my energy feel it goes okay.
[00:16:04] I dunno, and I’m coming back into my, my being and I’m cutting them back into my, into my presence and physical form into my presence and physical form with gravity, with gravity, hold on, and my presence and energetic form and my presence and energetic, fun with all my energy resources, all my energy resources with all my energy resources, with all my energy resources, I get to decide how they’re deployed.
[00:16:41] I get to decide how they’re deployed.
[00:16:49] And I liked how you did that. It’s, uh, for me, it really helps to, for me to switch between physical, energetic, back to physical, back to energetic, because many of us that are energetically sensitive, we’re picking up stuff from all over. Like, I can pick up things from my plants if they’re like, if they’re dry, I’ll feel thirsty.
[00:17:09] It’s like, I’m like, wait, I just drank, oh, I didn’t want her to play nothing wrong with that. But it does. It’s important to be able to, the more we practice distinguishing me versus others. The easier is to find this good balance, because if we’re feeling other people, which is a very beautiful, useful talent, but many of us we’re not taught to differentiate or to prioritize needs.
[00:17:36] It was like, if anyone is in district, yes, I must fix it. And then it’s really easy to get burnt out or now exhausted. And in fact, we can be feeling things sad. Sometimes I’ll pick up things from the neighbors and I’m like, is this really mine to deal with? And it’s like, no, it isn’t. They might just be feeling sad.
[00:17:54] I don’t actually need to do anything. So I’ve learned to ask that something Rick helped me with early on is just saying, Hey universe, please just bring me things I need to deal with because otherwise it’s, there is a distress they’re like, oh, there’s someone sad. I’ve got to fix it, but it’s not really my to, so I asked the universe to stroll my attention to the things that are for me to work with.
[00:18:19] So, um, I’m feeling drawn to tap on that one too. I’m guessing that that there’s, that that’s a common thing. And like, how do you feel like you’re staying connected and not like isolated while still having that sense of being open to the things that are useful for you to know? Yeah, I think that’s, it’s really, especially for people that feel lonely or isolated or like we’re, we’re a little under-resourced and we want connection during COVID.
[00:18:57] It’s been really hard. It’s I think it’s, we tend to, and Glenn put it in the chat really well. It’s like we do tend to dissolve our boundaries or ignore boundaries. If we’re really, really hungry, we might not, not notice other people’s boundaries. We might ignore our own because again, it we’re balancing different needs.
[00:19:13] I have a need to have boundaries and my own autonomous space, but I also have a need to connect with other people. And as an adult, I can do that in a much more consensual way than say a small child. Who’s just like, I’m not getting my needs met. I’m like going to try to get them. So I know like as adults we can kind of go, oh, Can I be with this disappointment?
[00:19:35] Can I, I think sometimes when we don’t get needs, medicine can feel very sad and disappointing and learning to be with that feeling can be very powerful because when we can, we can be with that ourselves. We can also be with other people’s disappointment. And that, and that’s one of the key points that we want to make is that if you, if you can be with your own sadness and, and unhappiness, like in your body, um, it’s easier to then not get in mashed with other people’s.
[00:20:06] Um, if like, yeah. So would you take that where it goes, it comes through karate chop, even though adulting can really suck, even though adulting can really suck. It can mean making hard decisions can mean making hard decisions. I’m going to do the best I can. I’m going to do the best I can. And I’m willing to feel the disappointment.
[00:20:37] I might experience some time and I’m willing to feel the disappointment sadness, unhappiness that I’m likely to feel sometimes, even though I do not want to feel the sadness, even though I don’t want to feel sad. And I know when I feel disappointed and I don’t want to feel disappointed, I actually will survive.
[00:21:01] I actually will survive when I was little. I didn’t know how to handle these feelings when I was little, I did not know how to handle these feelings. And I didn’t have a lot of role models either. And I did not have role models. Either. Sadness was a horrible thing. Sadness was a horrible thing under the eye to be avoided at all costs be avoided at all costs under the nose.
[00:21:27] I had to run away from sadness. I had to run away from sadness 10 or fix it right away or fix it right away. Collarbone. What if sadness is just another emotion, just another emotion under the arm. And despite what my survival brain thinks, right. Despite what my survival brain thinks that I will actually survive, I will actually survive sadness.
[00:21:58] Just take a deep breath and see if you notice right. Mine. They’re ours. Yeah. And you’re welcome to put things in the chat too, if you don’t want to, uh, if you don’t want to speak up, but noticing where sadness came in in your life and where, like, when did you learn that sadness was something that was really painful.
[00:22:20] And I like, I think back, I remember I was like four and I wanted something really badly for Christmas and I didn’t get it. And it was just this really intense. I can remember still like looking under the tree and like, I didn’t come like, oh my God, goodness. And I made it all stories about it, but there wasn’t anyone to comfort me.
[00:22:39] Like I think I asked about it and I was told I was really selfish or something like that for wanting it rather than, Hey honey, I’m sorry. You’re sad. It can feel sad. Sometimes we don’t always get what we want, but we can just feel our sadness mass for, you know, like I can give you a hug and we can be with the sadness for a little while.
[00:22:58] It’s like, when I Skype with the Dera a lot, if she’s crying, I try to tell her, I love her just as she is. She’s allowed to have her tears if she wants, like, I think I was not encouraged to have tears. My dad would say, I’ll give you something to cry about. My mother would try to like, make it go away. So just see if you can notice noticing like a key point for you.
[00:23:20] When did you learn the sadness was really overwhelming and that we had to fix it for ourselves or other people as soon as possible.
[00:23:30] Yeah. Mark. Got it for me. Do you want to share anyone who would like to share on the chat feel free? The one person that she had to remember? People I care I’m leaving. You made me so sad when I was really little, under 10 years old, someone else shared be brave, be brave girl. And don’t cry. A lot of us were taught that the tears were something that would to be avoided.
[00:23:58] Someone else said first time I learned about sadness was when I was witnessing my grandmother battling cancer. I was nine. I felt her fear and desire to live. She didn’t, I couldn’t handle the sadness really. Sorry. And I couldn’t handle the sadness. I couldn’t handle the sadness. Couldn’t handle the sadness.
[00:24:17] I couldn’t handle the sadness. That really makes it hard to have boundaries. Makes it really hard to have boundaries. I couldn’t handle the sadness. I couldn’t handle the sadness. What does it mean to handle the sadness? What does it mean to handle the sadness? How can we be with sadness? How can we be with sadness when we are our own sadness, our own sadness, their sadness, their sadness.
[00:24:51] No one helped me be with my sadness. No one helped me deal with my sadness.
[00:25:00] What would it mean to be present with sadness? What would it mean to be present with sadness without having to fix, without having to fix it? Without having to say don’t be fat having to say Tuffy sad. I’ll give you something to be sad about.
[00:25:21] Let’s see this association and threat association and threat Renato.
[00:25:33] I really want a better boundary here. I really want a better boundary here for me, um, for them and for us, for me and for them and for us,
[00:25:50] can I just riff, just extend the tapping just a little bit, cause I’m noticing some, when people, some people are saying karate chop, even though I’ll do absolutely anything to avoid the side. Yeah. Even though I’ll do absolutely everything to avoid this sadness, I do not want to feel this intense pain. I don’t want to feel this intense pain.
[00:26:10] I will do anything to make it end. I will do anything to make it and giving up all my boundaries, including giving up all my boundaries. Anything you want, I’m doing anything you want. I’d really still like to have my own boundaries. I am really a native my own boundaries. I want to feel better and still be me.
[00:26:35] I want to feel better and still be me and help you feel better and still be me top of the head. I would do absolutely anything to end the sadness. I would do anything down the sadness, eyebrow. If you’ll just love me again, I’ll do anything you want. If you’ll just love me again and stop being. So I will do anything you want side of the eye.
[00:26:59] Absolutely. Anything under the eye. That’s a really deep sadness. That’s a really deep sadness under the nose and no one taught me how to deal with it.
[00:27:14] No one taught me how to deal with it, Jen, what if I don’t have to deal with it all at once? What if I don’t have to deal with it all at once? How about I just need to deal with it right? This moment. I just need to deal with it right this moment, or be with it under the arm and I can still be me and I can still be me
[00:27:41] and you can still be here. Nice, deep breath. I just noticed that people talking about parents divorcing when people are a little people being told, not to cry, being feeling really disconnected from other and lonely. And I think that for many of us would do anything. Absolutely. Anything to avoid that feeling.
[00:28:01] I know I have at times I’m like, okay, I’m in relationship with you. I don’t want you to leave me. So whatever you need me to do. I will be that I will do that. And I would kind of contort myself and it’s, you know, I’m still, I’m still learning to like, be contort myself. There’s ways that I still do it with friends and family, that and partners that I’m like, oh wait, that wasn’t really me.
[00:28:23] I learned that when I had one partner was like, you, you do this one thing all the time. And I was like, yeah, it’s, it’s who I am. And he’s like, I don’t think it is. And we talked about it a little more. I’m like, oh, I learned that in the last relationship I was in that that was something that would win me points, but this person.
[00:28:41] Yeah, I could tell it was not authentic. So I think we have patterns that we learn. So, and interestingly, my daughter is crying outside the door
[00:28:55] and, you know, I wrote in, in one of the preliminary messages to tuna myself and share how I was tuning to this topic, that the idea of I’m not you, I’m not my daughter. It’s her sacred life. And.
[00:29:21] When she’s in distress. And I like this morning trying to change your diaper. What a horrible father I am. I don’t want to leave her in a wet diaper. And so like, she doesn’t want to lay back. She doesn’t want to change, you know, whatever is going on. She’s in distress. And as I looked down at her and I could see the, all the mix of different emotions, I, you know, I gently inside of myself.
[00:29:50] I’m not you. And I’m with you. And all of a sudden, I felt like I had bones again,
[00:30:02] it’s that gravity thing like gravity, our bones provide the structure that works with gravity. Otherwise would be gravity would have us in a puddle on the floor. Um, and so I’d like to, I’d like to just introduce that again, in this, in the workshop itself is what if we consciously, especially if we need to, because our boundaries have LA have had lots of energetic, um, doors, windows, holes in the wall, you know, all those things.
[00:30:37] If there’s someone whose sadness still impacts you a lot, um, and you take a moment and you picture. And allow yourself to be come aware of them and sadness from the past, the present, um, and imagination based upon your, your memory of, um, um, and again, we I’m seeing in the chat, um, sad and unhappy. We’re looking to be looking at better boundaries related to all the complexion, but, um, the sadness and unhappy is where we’re focused today.
[00:31:22] Um, other people’s anger is the difference between fire and water. Um, you can be deeply impacted by both. Um, so as you, as you tune into that person with your hand over your heart, if that feels good to you. And this could, when I say person, it could be when your, your dog is sad. You know, when any, any being that you feel sadness from and you have a hard, hard time having a healthy boundary and imagine inside of your energy field, your, your skin is fear your body, your, your energy field, and just being clearer.
[00:32:11] I am not you. I am not, I am not you.
[00:32:28] And if you choose to be with this being, you can say, and I’m present with you. I am with you.
[00:32:41] As I do this with the image of my daughter and, and, you know, she’s teething, she gets constipated, you know, um, she’s human and those are some of the things that she very honestly expresses as I’m like, I am not you. And I’m with you. That to me, for, for those of us that want to be energetically connected in a healthy way, a better boundary is not like, they’re not me.
[00:33:15] I don’t care about you. And that may, that may apply to billions of people on the planet. But we’re talking about someone that you want to have some access that there’s, you don’t want them in another continent. You actually don’t mind that their boundary and yours are there, but allowing yourself to.
[00:33:36] That differentiation. Can I just add something to that, Rick? I think I used to think I would process other people’s energy. I would like try to pull it in. I wouldn’t, I wouldn’t try to say it’s yours because I felt it was selfish to say, that’s yours. You have to deal with it. And I had, I, it might’ve been Rick that and emphasize this, but I’ve also had other teachers throughout the years that were like, we can’t digest other people’s emotions.
[00:34:04] It’s like our system is not geared to, we can digest her own emotions. We can’t digest them. So literally if I go over to my mother who might be very sad and I take her, she might feel an immediate relief, like a short-term relief that someone like, maybe it feels a little lighter. She’s not carrying it, but it’s still connected to her and she can never process it until I give it back.
[00:34:27] So I’m holding it. She can’t digest it. She can’t process it. She’s not getting the signals in her body that she actually needs to. I don’t know about all of you, but sometimes I need to be actually quite sad before I’ll sit down and deal with sadness because I’ll be like, oh no, I can swim really fast and stay above it.
[00:34:44] And if some, like, if someone else is holding it, I can pretend longer instead of like, okay, crap. I need to just spend some time processing this. And it’s hard for me to digest my own emotions when I have a bunch of other people’s undigestible emotions in my system. So if I give them back, they’re not mixed in my body’s not trying to like go, not this, that it’s all tangled up.
[00:35:06] So when I give it back to the other person, I can process my own emotions better and they can actually heal their own emotions. Does that make sense? It does. And we’re modeling. It’s just like with food. If I’m modeling that before I eat, there’s a quality of mindfulness and that I chew my food and I’m paying attention to it.
[00:35:27] I’m savoring. I’m modeling that now somebody else may be wolfing it down because they’re terrified. Whatever, or another reason someone may be eating my food. They’re eating their food. You can eat up food for other people. I believe in, I believe in the power of our resonance. I think that better boundaries include the capacity to offer regulation without differentiation.
[00:35:55] It’s very difficult for you to self-regulate and then offer the capacity for them to come out of their primitive brain. Because sadness in the primitive brain is very different than sadness in the body. The primitive brain treats sadness as. That thing that has to be fixed. It’s a threat. It makes me weak.
[00:36:22] Um, I don’t, I don’t have the space and the safety, if we’re differentiated, then the person can actually process their sadness through their full being. And we’re able to be processing whatever is activated for us as well. So we’re modeling, but we’re not like here I will, I’ll take care of it all. What do I need to do to make you feel better?
[00:36:49] That kind of tension actually takes everybody into their primitive brain. So boundaries, when we’re in our primitive brain are very different. That’s you know, whether you’re tired or stressed. Yeah. Yeah. Credit shop, even though I feel like it’s selfish, even though I feel like it’s selfish to give back other people’s emotions.
[00:37:14] To give back other people’s emotions. I really do want to stop holding these. I really do want to stop holding these, starting to feel really heavy on my body, starting to feel really heavy on my body. And I’m not actually sure it’s helping that other person. I’m not actually sure. It’s helping the other person, even though I can’t digest their emotions for them, even though I can’t digest their emotions or their food for them, I’m really open to discovering how to give this back.
[00:37:50] I’m really open to discovering how to give this back. I’m really on top of that. I’m really good at taking emotions on. I’m really good at taking emotions on I brought, but I’m not so sure I know how to give them back. I don’t know. I’m not so sure. I know how to give them back. Side of the I, what if they naturally belong to the other person?
[00:38:15] I’m pretty sure they naturally belong to the other person under the I can, and I can release them with love. I can release them with love under the nose universe. Please help me release these emotions with love universe. Please help me release their emotions with love chin and let them go back to the people they belong to.
[00:38:37] I let them go back to the people they belong collarbone. It’s not selfish to some of them back
[00:38:47] under the islands, actually very loving and healing. What if it’s actually a little very loving and very healing top of the head, and it’s time to release some of these. Now it’s time to release some of these. Let’s take a nice deep breath
[00:39:07] coming up, because for some sometimes when I do that kind of work with people, there’s a sense of loss or loneliness. Sometimes we’re trying to feel close to people by holding onto their emotions. There’s kind of a codependent thing where they don’t want to feel the heavy weight of it and we’re feeling lonely.
[00:39:24] So we take it on to try to feel close to them, but it’s kind of a toxic way to feel close to someone it’s like, oh, I’m eating this food for you, but it’s not really helping them or us versus if I can release your, your emotions, then we, and I can just be here. We can be together in authenticity. And I loved what some people shared about authenticity.
[00:39:48] We’re talking about people using sadness sometimes, or being sad and us having lack of boundaries. And we can feel sad. It’s authentic to feel sad sometimes. So, you know, that’s kind of like, that’s a, that’s kind of a black belt or a higher ed move is like, wow, can I feel sad without trying to manipulate other people to do what I want?
[00:40:11] And it is it’s okay for people to feel sad and for us to not jump in and some people use sadness with hooks. Does that make sense? They’re, they’re hoping to pull you in. They’re hoping that their sadness will get what they want. And, um, Rick I’d love, would you be willing to share about the trust as a barometer?
[00:40:31] Because I thought that was so your brilliant insight, like being able to, you were talking about how we can use, see if the interaction is building trust between two people, or if it’s it’s breaking down, trust is a good way to see if we, if we’re interacting in an authentic and healthy way, um, I, I I’d like to get into that after the break.
[00:40:54] Um, what I’m drawn to is, um,
[00:41:01] I’ve done some, some, I’ve been a participant, not a leader in some work called family constellations. And there is a moment when you’re, when you have people playing the roles of different people in the family aspect, especially very dysfunctional family constellations. That there’s a time when you say what’s mine is mine and what’s yours is yours.
[00:41:28] And there’s a, there’s a sacredness. I feel in that, that if you haven’t had the experience, um, you can try this on. And of course we could say it as look, look what yours is, yours. What’s mine is mine. Right? Uh, that, that kind of, that takes us apart, but coming together in right relationship of listen, the feelings that I have.
[00:42:00] Are mine, the feelings and experiences that you’ve had are yours. And, um, we let go of, I’ll call it a magical misconception that we take people’s pain away. I have experienced healing. And my experience of healing is that the people around me were, were not taking on my experience. They were not taking on my pain because as soon as I’ve had people do that, and as soon as they’re doing that, I feel I need to try to take care of them, right.
[00:42:49] Because they’re taking on something that’s not theirs, but by holding space and being with me, they’re creating the conditions. Even optimally, optimizing the conditions for me to feel my feelings and move through them, get them out of my tissues, even as intense as they may be. And so that’s, um, you can keep the model of taking people’s pain away.
[00:43:15] In massage therapy school, the people that had that as a model, when they started off, they would do like three practice bodies in a workshop. And then, uh, be done like in so much pain because they had, like, that was their model is somebody’s shoulder hurts. I take it on, I take their pain and pretty soon their body is somatizing with all this other stuff.
[00:43:40] And our, our teacher, um, uh that’s if you’re very sensitive, you’re going to feel the pain in the shoulder. And it’s like, oh, that’s what’s here. And we can be with that and I can bring my skill and I can bring my caring. I can bring my heart, I can bring my muscles to it. Um, but I’m not taking it off.
[00:44:06] Because it’s yours and mine. That’s a long way of saying let’s do some tapping on that. See where we go.
[00:44:19] Even though I thought I was supposed to take on their pain, even though I thought I was supposed to take on their pain. Isn’t that? What a good caregiver does. Isn’t that? What a good care to give her, does that, what a good person does? Isn’t that what a good person does? I’ve noticed I’ve suffered as a result.
[00:44:37] I have noticed I suffer as a result, maybe better boundaries and maybe better boundaries, better boundaries would let me be more helpful. Let me be more helpful. Actually feel resourced by that and actually feel resourced by that. What’s theirs is theirs. What’s theirs. Is this my brow? What’s mine is mine.
[00:45:03] What’s mine is mine. I be honest. That doesn’t mean we can’t help each other. That doesn’t mean we can’t help each other. I want to be clearer. I want to be clear in head and heart and head and heart what’s theirs is theirs. What’s theirs. Is this, hold on. I am not them. I’m not them. And these sensations give me information.
[00:45:31] These sensations give me information. I don’t have to embody their pain. I don’t have to embody their pain. I can be with family. I can be with them without becoming enmeshed in what they’re feeling. Without becoming a meshed and what they’re feeling, at least that’s the theory. I know that in there, because like, you know, I’m, I’m making a definitive statement and this is a practice.
[00:46:00] Like it’s a high art to be with people that we, especially those that we really care about and they’re in distress, you know, um, when someone’s unhappy, when they’re, when they’re, when they’re in that place, our resonance, all the channels and, and, and of love and information and tracking, if that’s the way that you’re wired, you get so much information.
[00:46:25] And that’s where this is a sort of divine filtering that says, oh, what’s mine is mine. And as soon as I tuned to that, I can be aware, oh, this is actually triggering. Or activating something of my own. It’s not even related to what’s going on for them. What’s theirs is theirs. Oh, I’m actually seeing them more clearly.
[00:46:46] I see that, um, that there’s discomfort. What I thought it was because I was actually feeling something different. There’s much better information with a little bit of right distance and that these are concepts to thrive for thriving. You can, you can check out thriving now about center and go to concepts for thriving.
[00:47:13] Um, we’re talking about things like these, including better boundaries will be coming up there. Soon. I get the analogy like when Indira cries and most people now know about a deer, uh, she’s nine months old. She’s adorable. Um, when she cries, I can listen for cry. I know that she wants, she needs help. And you know, as a little, if you’re watching a little kid, you kind of have to show up for little kids.
[00:47:37] If it was an adult I can choose. But I think of when I take, if I took on her pain, I’m actually implanting a speaker. With, with S like that’s kind of re playing it all the time, or like, really, like, I’m trying to take it on versus letting the sound wave, just come to my ear and alerting me that someone needs help.
[00:47:57] That’s very different than implanting it in my heart. That she’s sad and I need to fix it and take care of it. So to me, that’s a little, and it’s really easy to take it on. Um, I kinda just do a little tapping and I’m just kind of letting stuff, the awareness be there without taking it on. Yeah. And then we’re going to take a seven minute break.
[00:48:18] Yeah. Credit shop, even though I can really feel what other people are feeling, even though I can really feel what other people are feeling and that’s kind of a gift and that is a gift
[00:48:34] it’s okay. To let the information come to. It is okay to let the information come to me without embedding it in my body without embedding it in my body or my energy field or my energy field. It’s just sound waves coming and passing through it’s waves of energy, just coming and passing. And I can notice it and I will notice it without owning it without owning it top of the head.
[00:49:07] I’m pretty sticky.
[00:49:12] I can be pretty sticky. I probably tend to grab on to all this stuff and hold on to it. I have historically, and sometimes hysterically grabbed a hold of it,
[00:49:26] side of the eye. I got some kudos for that when I was little. And I got a lot of kudos for that when I was little
[00:49:38] and even as an adult, and even as an adult under the nose, it doesn’t actually help anyone to hold on to these energies. It actually doesn’t help anyone to hold on to these energy. So that wears me out, whereas me collarbone and I really want to be able to be resourced so I can help people. And I want to be more resourced so I can help people if I don’t have to be sticky anymore, I don’t have to be sticky Ricky anymore.
[00:50:11] What if I can let the information come and pass through? What if I can let the information come and pass through with more ease, without trying to own it, trying to own it. Nice deep breath. Someone shared in the chat. I don’t want to be Velcro anymore. And I have a friend, uh, Reed Malco talks about using Velcro and just kind of straightening it, like Velcro has these little hooks at the end and he talks about just straightening them up and then pulling them in.
[00:50:42] So, and maybe I add rain X on the outside. We don’t have to like stick on everything. You can just let you know, oh, medicine, that person is sad. Do you, I’m going to go inside myself and check. Is it mine to deal with, do I want to help them or not? And then, you know, we don’t, but we don’t have to own that emotion.
[00:51:04] All right. So we’re going to take a break to the top of the hour, seven minutes. I’m going to go ahead and pause. Wonderful. Thank you. Um, and I just wanted to add, I’ve been chatting to some people over the years. We don’t have to rip away on stuff. Like I think sometimes I get very like, oh, I’m gonna, I’m going like fix myself right now.
[00:51:25] So like, it’s like rip out everything and it’s like, no, some of this is really, I’m really attached to you. I invite you to release. What’s ready to that’s other people’s. But if it’s embedded with grief or anger, or there’s a lot of, like, if it feels like it will rip something out of you to rip it away, there’s not a, not a timeline on this.
[00:51:43] It’s like, it’s hard need to have clarity and be yourself and we don’t have to harm ourselves or damage ourselves. Sometimes we’ve woven other people’s energies into us to try to keep ourselves together or to get through really hard times. Or if someone passed away, it may be a way to hold on to them in a way mentally or emotionally.
[00:52:03] So it’s okay. Just to release it. What’s ready to release. And then, um, kind of clear some of the anger, the grief, the sadness is coming up so that the other stuff will, the next layer will be ready to go off. So I just invite people to be gentle with themselves when they’re doing this work. And I liked Rick, when I were talking, we were planning this call.
[00:52:25] He was talking, talking about using trust as a barometer. So one of the things I struggle with sometimes, and I love this analogy because it really clarified it for me is like very concrete idea of how to, how to distinguish is, am I building trust in this relationship or with myself when I do this. So, um, there are people that manipulate with sadness.
[00:52:48] I also want to be authentic. I don’t want to pretend that I’m not sad to protect other people from doing. Like, I grew up kind of like, you’re never allowed to show sadness because of you show sadness, that’s the Trump card and then they have to do what you want them to do. So like, I really struggled. I would never cry in front of people.
[00:53:06] It took a long time for me to trust enough, to cry in front of other people. So it’s okay to like, Be sad and around other people, but when are we using hooks? What other silent hooks, especially when we’re really distressed or other people are really distressed. It can be very hard to like go, oh, you know, like, are there hooks in here?
[00:53:26] So if I’m sharing my emotions with someone and they’re there, there’s a trust and a relationship is getting stronger. That’s good. I’m not manipulating. Usually I’m asking for what I want and letting them step forward. Versus if I’m like manipulate, oh, I’m so sad. You have to do this thing going to build the trust.
[00:53:48] That’s not going to build the relationship stronger. So that’s, for me, that was a really good gauge, a good barometer like, oh, am I actually strengthening my relationship with this person would be by being vulnerable and authentic in an appropriate way for me and for them, or am I trying to like, is there kind of like some polling stuff going on?
[00:54:08] Yeah, thank you. Okay. So, um, Jim.
[00:54:19] Hi there. Thanks for putting this on. Um, yeah, I love, I love the topic, um, having Pathak and I learned about, or boundaries feeling the sensation like that, like you’re talking about. Um, but there’s very few people that I can actually talk to that. Get it, understand, um, that I can have an intelligent conversation with that makes sense.
[00:54:47] Um, and so a couple of things, one that when I found, um, very helpful that you said about, um, being able to separate ourselves from others, um, energetic, uh, bodies and whatever, um, and doing it with love. Um, I typically wouldn’t do it like that. I would, um, be hurting and, or feel they’re hurt and it’s confusing and it’s, it’s Matt from happier.
[00:55:17] And I take it the hell out. I just cut the eyes and I just, just out of there. And so I wouldn’t do it with love it’s now. And when you were saying that I was realizing it’s like, I’m not doing anybody, a service and myself, so I’m still hurting, they’re hurting. And now I gave them a punch in the gut that they don’t even know about.
[00:55:38] Kicked it out instead of realizing, okay, this is a big old pile of crap. Um, and it’s not helping anybody. So let’s just park company in love. You go your way and I honor you and all of that and cut the ties and send them on. And then that way I’m healing myself. Yeah. And just to be clear, you can be doing that from love and not get love back.
[00:56:07] Right. But to not, to not and hurt them, it’s like, you know, I should be more involved in this. Yeah. You want to do some tapping on that gym? Yeah. That’d be great. Even though I should, even though I should, should do it from, uh, yeah. Do it from love. I haven’t seen this model. Well, I haven’t seen this model.
[00:56:34] Well, And I’m still learning. I’m still learning how to use my gift of empathy, how to use my gift of empathy without it being too much for me, without it being too much for me, sometimes it’s just too much for me. Sometimes it’s just too much for me, eyebrow. My primitive brain says I am out of here. My preeminence brain says, I’m gone.
[00:57:02] Now. I am gone. Now I am so out of here. And to be honest, I am so human. Yes, I am very human. I definitely have a limit. I certainly have limits better boundaries would make me more aware. Better boundaries would really help a lot. Well, before I get to that exit, well, before I get to that exit, I’m there I’m that exit is always gonna be there.
[00:57:38] That exit is always there. Yeah. And, and that’s okay. That’s okay. But I, I really would rather have better boundaries. I really would rather have better boundaries.
[00:57:58] So one of the deeper thing, so for me, for example, Um, I have that exit too. I, I believe in the primitive brain, I see plenty of evidence. I see a lot of evidence that there’s a lot of primitive brain out there right now. Um, so like if I notice that somebody is in their perimeter brain, um, whether it’s sad or unhappy or something else, I need to know that I’m, I’m able to pause.
[00:58:30] So, I don’t know if you saw the powerful pause. Um, that’s a real skill. And so like, if I can not pause enough that I can feel gravity working, which is a pretty trivial level of body awareness, but sometimes we’re not even there. Right. If you, if you can’t even know whether gravity is working, you’re just like, um, or maybe that’s just me.
[00:59:00] Um, uh, if I can pause, well, then I can get some resource. If, so you start thinking in terms of layers, just like our human energy field has layers. We have the layer that’s right up against our skin. And then we have our scan and then there’s other layers around our organs and things like that. Someone who someone’s, whose sadness hits you right in the liver.
[00:59:29] It’s like, boy, that’s really intimate, really fast. Like it’s already visceral for me. That’s different than, oh. And like this boundary of you are not me. You need to say it a little, like in my head and, oh listen, they are not me. Okay. I can breathe again. Well, I can breathe again. Another sign that I can still stay engaged, tells the primitive brain, Hey, gravity is working.
[00:59:59] We can still breathe. Um, and. You S you start being with the dynamic of sadness. Now I’ve noticed that
[01:00:18] specific events we’ve touched on some of these, and you may have felt like our connection to childhood and how we were oriented and things. I don’t know what your situation was, but if there wasn’t good boundaries around sadness and unhappiness, there’s a part of you that just leapt into like, dealing with it.
[01:00:39] Is that true for you or was your childhood one where you had to kind of tend to other people’s feelings a lot?
[01:00:51] Jim you’re muted.
[01:00:58] Can we ask you to unmute. Okay. There we go. Yeah. Um, yeah, still when my parents divorced, when I was five, um, I, the way I viewed it was my mom represented people and the outside world. And when she left my dad, um, I was, um, attached to my dad. Uh, um, intuitionally so my dad represented the inside world. So to me that was very hurtful.
[01:01:29] Um, and then there was an instance where, um, she gathered us. She gathered us, uh, just, well, um, just before the divorce, she got us all together and said, um, don’t listen to your daddy. He’s crazy. And that was so hopeful. Pause there
[01:01:55] you feel confusion in your, in your own intuition right now, your intuitive body. Like what do I listen to?
[01:02:06] Um, well I think I’ve, I’ve processed it a lot. Um, since then to where, you know, we’ve talked about it and I, I realized, and I understand, um, and I, I realized that I made a decision than out of confusion and hurt and not understanding everything that I felt that if I spoke up, I would be ostracized too. So I kept silent pausing for a moment as you’re talking for those, like I’m energetically sensitive and I feel you’re understanding.
[01:02:40] It feels like you have a lot of cognitive understanding. You raised your hand about like, listen, I will just like bolt out of a situation. So bringing that understanding into your physical body, like your energy field, your tissues, more, um, like I want my own clarity, my own intuition, my own, um, sensory input to be softer, more informative and less impactful on my tissues on my nervous system, on my endocrine system, under the arm.
[01:03:26] Hey body under the arm. Hey body, we have good understanding, good understanding. We’ve done the work
[01:03:40] and their emotions. Don’t have to impact us so much. Their emotions don’t have to impact us so much eyebrow. I can get the information. I can get the information side to BI and still be strong and present and still be strong and present. Okay. Under the eye. It’s okay. To let it be less impactful. It’s okay.
[01:04:02] To let it be less impactful. Okay. Was when we were children, it was so impactful when we were children, it was so impactful and it really impacted all of my organs. It really impacted all of my organs impacted all of me and it impacted, all of me was such a big deal. It was such a big deal. And now I want my own grounded clarity and now I want my own grounded clarity.
[01:04:31] Okay. So I can be a resource when I want to be when I want to be. I feel good to you. How does that below the neck? What are you noticing in your body? Yeah, you, it, it has shifted. It’s like elongated and it’s not like this up here. Uh huh. Yeah. Well, that’s like, even if, when you’re talking about it or tuning into like slapping giving your body, um, squeezing your legs, bringing more of the energy, maybe even doing some, like if you want to remember someone that you have a hard time having a boundary around their sadness and unhappiness standing, literally standing and letting yourself feel stronger in your core, let your, all the work that you’ve done to understand what happened, remind your tissues.
[01:05:32] And I, for you, I really brought in organs. My intuition is that, you know, tune into your liver, your spleen, your guts, your grind, your. You’re the, the parts of you that, um, if you’re getting information you’ll you’ll know, it you’ll know it in your energy field. Like we tap on these Meridian points. Why are they called, you know, the liver point?
[01:05:58] Well, it’s, we’re a circuit of systems that touch all of us and bringing some of that. So it can be like, oh, that person is really sad. Or even that person is having big feelings. How do I want to be? Well, the first thing pause. Okay. I’ve got my tissues. Hello liver. How you doing? And now from my place of resourced, do I want to engage?
[01:06:29] And to what extent where’s my, and being able to practice that pause and pause, um, people with good inner understanding will end up like zooming around in the understanding. Cause it’s, it’s good, good stuff, but it’s not embodied. And that’s when the body will, at some point go, we are out of here and you’re like, wait, what, how did it just, why, how did I flip out like that?
[01:07:00] Um, that’s where the better boundaries have a physiological signals of time to pause, time, to take a break time, to create a little more distance here. Oh, what’s yours is yours and it’s okay for it to be, you know, across the room or, um, that you tend to that part of what’s going on here. I’m going attend to this and we can engage around it.
[01:07:28] Uh, yeah, it does. And so to like wrap that up, um, about that, then things like, you know, rewriting the script type of stuff. Um, you know, I have this story that I tell and the emotion is in it, which, you know, you clearly picked up on and I mean, anybody can cause it’s, it’s intense. Um, but so it, it seems like if I, if I understand correctly is say, I tell the story again, but I pause here and there and I let the energy.
[01:08:01] Spread out into, I embody it to then in a sense, rewrite the script, take in my modern awareness and understanding to let go of the pain and the sadness and all of those emotions that are, you know, still going like that up there is that right? Yeah. So that’s, so that is trauma relief, you know, tapping for trauma relief is to be able to go back and do the story and be embodied and pause and pause and pause.
[01:08:33] And if you haven’t done that story with someone, with tapping and embodiment, I encourage you to do that. What I’m also. Um, encouraging for those of us that are sensitive is to think about today. Like now here you’re a bigger human than you were back. Then you have resources and flexibility and, um, the capacity to create new connections.
[01:09:04] So what now, like nonfamily the people that you want to be connected with if they’re unhappy or sad, how does your being react and to take some of those examples and not just, I mean, people that have done a lot of cognitive work about their childhood, um, we can get stuck in that energy story. We, we need the next trilogy.
[01:09:32] And the next trilogy is like, oh my energy body, what does it do? What does my heart do? What is my, what does my liver do when I’m around someone who is in distress? How can I be sensitive? It’s like fill in the gaps so that I get the whisper and then the, the other things. And that’s a present moment thing.
[01:09:59] That’s where this is a practice that we will, you turn on the, you turn on your computer and you, you see a story about someone, um, stress about it, or feel like I’m a, I’m a energetic resource in this world. And I get both, but as I’m practicing this in real time today, Tomorrow the next day, I’m building up more of a sense of better boundaries, not to disconnect me from people, but to be in right distance, right.
[01:10:34] Depth, right engagement. And so that they don’t just ever have to be. Like kicked out unless it’s a really rare thing. Okay. I want to give Kathy a chance to work with our next volunteer, Jim. Um, my art for anyone here, our inbox is open If you have follow-up questions also on the thriving now, um, uh, the thriving now center thriving now at that center is our dis our place for civil discourse and engagement.
[01:11:10] It is different than Twitter and Facebook. And so you are welcome to come and join and explore and share ahas and ask questions and also share your own wisdom. So thank you. And I put the, I put the center and the circle in the chat. So center is like Facebook. Social media first is safe, safe. Social media circle is the paid support.
[01:11:36] So Roxy, if you would like to unmute,
[01:11:45] thanks for stepping forward. My name is Janet was my beloved dog. I love that. So how would you like to focus right now? I want to make sure we, we keep confidentiality and yeah, I, um, mentioned to you that I been her a long time trying to help my brother who has been in the very extreme guardian abuse situation.
[01:12:14] He has. It’s beyond the DHS worker that I found said it is the most extreme case of human rights violations that she’s ever seen. And for two and a half years, he’s not been allowed to talk to anybody basically, but me and he has a lot of rage. He’s narcissistic, he’s bipolar among other things, but should be living on his own.
[01:12:43] Um, because I was the only one that was able to talk to him. And the only one that could help him find legal help and find the DHS inspector investigator and all of that, like everything was on me and I, and everything was urgent now, you know, Yes. I’m pick a point and tap while you’re telling us so we can start the lot and just, you’re doing great.
[01:13:08] Thank you for sharing. And it it’s just been like, I just, can’t not do this. It is so wrong. And so many people are going through this, but I was, I had gone through times where I was just going down with him and can’t look that happened. And you know, he gets really enraged and you know, the last couple of times, he’s just like, we need to cut ties.
[01:13:34] Well, that’s what his guardian wants more than anything. Right. It is the worst thing that could happen to him if I disappeared. And he was take a deep breath for a moment. I want to just like, I, I love that you’re sharing this. I think this is really pertinent to a lot of people, like where we feel so like no one else is going to do it and it’s so intensely bad.
[01:13:53] Can you just, what are you feeling in your body? You’re telling us this.
[01:14:01] My dog is tight. My stomach is tight. I just feel clenched problems with I’ve had a lot of issues. I’ve got my own disability. I’ve had molded my apartment. That’s why my voice like those. I mean, I’m dealing with a lot, even though I’m overwhelmed and it feels like it’s all on me. It feels like it’s all on me.
[01:14:25] This is legitimately really bad. And I feel like I need to take care of everything. I need to take care of everything. No wonder I feel overwhelmed. No wonder I feel overwhelmed and it’s okay to let the tears come. It’s not risk top of the head. I am really overwhelmed.
[01:14:49] I’d rather, this feels like too much. Yes. Side of the, I, my body feels so stressed.
[01:15:00] Under the, I am not sure how I can do this under the nose. And I can just feel my body right now, feel my body, right. Chin, I can breathe and feel my body, breathe it and feel my body collarbone. I’m not alone right now. I’m in the arm. I feel really alone right now,
[01:15:28] top of the head and invite my brain to notice. There are people here tapping along with me, witnessing people tapping in I eyebrow, I might not be quite as alone as I think,
[01:15:44] side of the eye. And I feel so alone. I mean, this feels so big. It was just so many. I don’t even know how can I not help.
[01:16:00] Chin, how can I have good boundaries here?
[01:16:05] Hello everyone. How can I possibly have good boundaries here? Hopefully, possibly have good boundaries here under the arm. Right? This moment I can breathe. Okay. Top of the head, the air is coming in out of my body.
[01:16:26] Yeah. I brought actually done some really amazing things.
[01:16:46] I did an amazing thing for my brother.
[01:16:52] I got him a pitfall.
[01:16:59] I did a really good thing
[01:17:04] under the arm, and this still feels overwhelming. Still top of the head. How can I have a boundary with this one? Yeah. Going to have a boat. I brought one there’s so much wrong here.
[01:17:22] It feels like it’s never enough. The, I, I don’t know how to have these here. I’m in the nose and that my body feels exhausted there, buddy.
[01:17:39] I’m giving as much as I have.
[01:17:44] I bought I’m giving more than I can possibly give.
[01:17:51] I’m in the arm and this is so hard right now.
[01:17:57] Right? This minute I can breathe.
[01:18:03] I can feel my body and I can try to notice that there’s a lot of people here caring and tapping right this minute. Yes.
[01:18:19] Let’s take a gentle breath and just notice it’s your body. That’s breathing right now. If you’ve had
[01:18:30] good job, I want to really appreciate you for bringing this forward, because this is such a beautiful example for so many people. Like we love people and we want to be there for them. And it’s really hard when they’re incapacitated. If you don’t like, if you don’t become the superwoman and lift something that you can’t even lift something bad, might, you know, really serious could happen to someone you care about.
[01:18:57] And I just, I really honor your courage and your vulnerability as you’re talking about this. So can you tell, how does your body feel? How clenched does your body feel right now,
[01:19:10] feeling a little bit of release.
[01:19:17] Ballet feels a little looser and
[01:19:22] it’s always safe. Yeah. That’s your, body’s doing the best it can to hold everything together. Uh, Rick would, it could be go a couple minutes over, just do another couple of rounds of tapping with Tri-Net.
[01:19:37] Yes. And if anyone, um, needs to take care of themselves by taking an exit, please do.
[01:19:46] And let’s, let’s find that five minutes. Yeah. So Janet, can you just take another deep breath?
[01:19:55] So I’d like to just, if you can imagine that you now have it, you can see your brother with this pit bull now taking care of him. Can you let your body just notice that you’re not alone taking care of anymore? You have someone that’s really on your side and on his side,
[01:20:15] you’re struggling with, because I’ve stepped back. I mean, he got really mad at me for some things trivial and he was like, we need to cut ties. And I said, okay. That is a threat. He has made a couple of times on. I finally said, okay, I wish you the best. And then all of a sudden, you know, all the apologize, I’m so sorry.
[01:20:34] I love you, blah, blah, blah. And I’m not getting sucked into it. And I’ve said, I’m going to take some space, which makes me feel really guilty because I know it makes them feel so much pain and crushing myself to write a letter and I journaled and journaled, and it all comes out. You know, you do this and you do that blaming, blaming, and I it’s okay to start there.
[01:20:58] And just with the effect that you journaled, if you want to tap, just read that and tap through the points. A bunch of times that might really help because blame is about like it’s useful. It’s a good, powerful technique to start with. And it may not help him to hear the blame. Right. I want to be able to set boundaries with him and have a relationship rather than all enough, you know, karate chop.
[01:21:20] He doesn’t do boundaries. Well, he doesn’t do batteries at all. And I really need to have boundaries here, boundaries here for my own sanity and life in my life, my own sanity in my life. I must have boundaries boundaries. So maybe I can clearly state just a few boundaries for him. Maybe I can clearly state a few boundaries, the most important ones for me, most important ones for me and send that with love, with love.
[01:21:54] Top of that. It’s okay to take a break. It’s okay. To take a break. I don’t feel like it’s okay to take a break whenever you feel like it’s okay to take a break. Side of the eye and it is okay to take a break. It’s okay. To take a break under the eye. It might help him. If I’m able, it might help him. If I’m able under the nose to give him a timeline for my break, for my break, 10, I’m going to take two weeks off the minute, take two weeks off collarbone, and then I can send them an email or a letter with a few clear boundaries, and then I can send them an email or a letter with few clear boundaries, clear consequences, and clear consequences top of the head, and then take it from there.
[01:22:44] Take it from there. So just take a nice deep breath. So help me with my mother around this. My mother tends to lose her temper and blow up, and he told me he suggested this early on that I told her and I sat down and told her the first time you blow up, I’m going to go for an hour walk and I’ll come back.
[01:23:06] The second time you blow up on a given visit, I’m going to go in my car and we’re going to stay overnight in a hotel. And the third time he blew up at anybody, I’m going to go. I’m just going home. I’m going to get on the plane and leave. She is not blown up at me since. Because I really meant it. She could feel it, it doesn’t always like people will test that sometimes.
[01:23:27] But I think if there’s sometimes when we, for someone who has a lot of emotional challenges, adult or child, it’s really good to give very clear boundaries with really clear consequences, very simple. It can’t be a long list. Like this were three things that were going to happen. So with your brother, you can say, when you do this, I will do this.
[01:23:45] And then you can with timelines that gives them someone like you’re not cutting all ties. You’re not like leaving forever. It’s like, I mean, it’s. A daybreak, every time you do this, or the second time it happens or whatever, something to try on. And the circle, the circles or the center is a great places.
[01:24:02] The circle is as well to bring these and ask people for opinions. Because I know when I’m really agitated, it’s hard to write what I mean clearly. So running it by other people and gain them. Like, that’s not really clear. This is really clear. Could help you before you send it to them. Yeah. Cause that’s the thing, like I just don’t trust because I’m so, yeah, but this is great.
[01:24:26] This is a beautiful community. And there were a lot of people that I don’t know if you saw, there are a lot of people tapping along and sending you love. And I just saw it in the chat. I took screenshots. Thank you everybody. I don’t want to distract by reading them, but thank you for your time. Yeah. And Janet, I just wanted to like what, what Kathy’s boundary with her mother, the focus is on what you need in order for you to have some space to regulate.
[01:24:55] And you did model, like when Kathy said I’m giving all I can and you said, I’m getting, I think I heard you say I’m giving more than I can. And that’s, you know, for people that are, are powerfully helpful and resourceful, like you’ve been, that is one of our indicators. Like if we’re we pick up that actually I’m giving way more than I can to be helpful, uh, for myself that that’s that opportunity to find, um, and the guilt, it comes up like it does.
[01:25:27] That would be something that if, if you tapped on that and maybe get some support to do that, um, would be, uh, allow you the freedom. To find that right. Distance, right depth, which isn’t the primitive brain I need to run your, and it’s also not as I energetically, you know, in, with his, the dynamic that’s there, I’m guessing, um, someplace that will be a, uh, a spot where you feel resourceful and useful and recognizing the limits of us all as humans, um, and feeling and being able to feel the connection.
[01:26:17] Um, uh, Cathy pointed to like with the pit bull, um, the, the other people that are, that are a part of your energetic support for you. Okay. Great work much for sharing that. Yeah.
[01:26:36] Happy. Thank you. Thank you all. We want to live in a world where we can talk, as Jim said, you know, who do we get to talk to about this? And, um, this is why Kathy and I do this. Not only is it give us a chance to engage with, um, courageous beings and people that are holding space and being able to model.
[01:26:58] You know, to be able to look, these are their feelings, their intensity, they’re overwhelmed. And I can, I can hold a part of the space. I can hold it. I’m a part of a circle of community. I invite you to realize in no matter what situation that you’re in, that there’s also a circle of other humans across the planet that are part of our community and others that really want to be in a healthy relationship, energetically, emotionally, physically, um, so that we can thrive and also be a resource within our capacity and our, yes.
[01:27:39] Um, so driving, uh, hope you’ll join and participate there. Um, and if not, um, blessings and thank you for being here and thank you for co-creating Kathy. Oh my pleasure. Thank you all for your courage and your vulnerability. Okay, bye. For now.

We covered…

  • Differentiating between your energy and emotions and theirs
  • Letting what’s theirs be theirs, and what’s yours is yours.
  • Layers of boundaries that help us avoid the primitive brain “break away”
  • Overwhelm

Resources Mentioned

  1. Thriving Now Emotional Freedom Circle

  2. The Power-full Pause Workshop (and the concept)

Great to have you on this journey with us!


See the book

…without anyone realizing it.

Well, not if someone did this workshop! Not if we’re becoming aware that when someone is in distress, there are innate parts of us that by default start resonating with their energy.

Better boundaries – done actively and consciously – can help de-couple our limbic resonance. We can feel the resonance start and learn to ground ourselves, regulate ourselves, and no longer get lost in what is ours and what is theirs.

This is a Big Deal… and a core skill as part of relating and becoming more calm and confident.