The Power-Full Pause

 Real Skills Workshop - Community Event

RS 2021-06-29 Pause-1200x630

The Power-Full Pause: Restoring Your Confidence in Difficult Situations

Real Skills Workshop: Be Calm and Confident

Hosts: Rick Wilkes (@Rick) and Cathy Vartuli (@Cathy)

Recorded Tue June 29, 2021

We hope you’ll join us, and tap along with a friend!

:point_right: Replay is below


There’s Power in the Pause

I remember when I was watching a live event on TV and could press PAUSE and take a break – for food, for potty, for an interruption. Suddenly, with a bit of technology, I could pause and take care of myself and then return in a better state. Wow.

Imagine if with a little Emotional Technology you could PAUSE what’s happening and take a break – to collect yourself, to settle your triggered primitive brain, to bring more skill to difficult situations?

Well, we can – but often we’ve never had this modeled, we don’t know what language to use, and the emotional intensity can so overwhelm our system that fight/flight takes over. Which… isn’t skillful. It’s survival.

Would having more power and grace under pressure be useful for you right now? If so, do sign up for this Real Skills Workshop we are holding on June 29th. (Yes, you’ll also get the recording.)

If you CAN support the workshop with a payment, thank you – your financial support matters so much!

If you can’t, well… love you bless you! You’re not alone. About 80% of our worldwide community has been hit hard enough by the pandemic and other life challenges that even $1 is more than they have (or believe they should spend on themselves). We feel tremendous compassion for all who are in that hard place. If that is you, by all means join us for free, as our honored guest. We know this work, done together with empathy and courage, will support movement towards thriving.

We’ll gather together on Tue June 29, 2021 at 830pm EDT / 530pm PDT (90 mins with a 7 min break). There will also be a recording available – register to get it:

:point_right: Replay is below


Sounds like: "I need a PAUSE :heavy_heart_exclamation: "


It’s why the Pause is soooo useful!


Why Pause?

No matter what you want to accomplish, having a pause between impulse and action can help you get there more quickly, more easily, and often will make the process more fun!

This is especially true if you find yourself sabotaging your efforts at times!

What happens during a mindful pause? We interrupt the reaction and habits of decades and inject choice and options! And start creating something new and more aligned with our current direction and desires.

Most of our habits and survival patterns are learned and anchored by the time we’re 5. (~80% of our beliefs and patterns according to many experts).

Our survival brain and our subconscious want to conserve energy (to increase chances of survival) and to do so, will generally follow the patterns that were learned… Even if they are outdated, inefficient or downright the opposite of the direction we want to go!

That means, our brains are blindly following the “recipes” written by parents and teachers, who often were running recipes they learned from their parents and teachers. OR running recipes we created when we were little and just learning about the world.

Those are not always the best recipes for delicious life!

My sister and adored my grandmother. She lived on Long Island and had roses in her garden. When I was about 7 and my sister 6, we noticed how much she enjoyed perfume. To show our love, we made a “recipe” for “perfume” and made her several quart size jars of this “perfume”.

The secret recipe consisted of cutting the mostly dead roses and boiling them for several hours, then mostly straining the liquid into jam jars. It smelled like boiled half-dead flowers, and gradually smelled of rotten, boiled half-dead flowers. Bless that woman, she kept the jars in her bathroom and would dab a bit on when we came to visit her. (see picture)

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Please do not run your life on rotten rose perfume recipes from when you were a kid!

Doing so will make your life smell worse over time and will certainly end up with you feeling frustrated if not broken.

Putting in a pause between impulse and action allows the opportunity to choose something different. Something better.

And the more we practice this pause, the stronger those muscles and that habit becomes. Allowing us to direct our lives more delightfully, and role modeling this happy habit for others!

If inserting a pause seems impossible, or if you want to make that powerful pause more natural, join us on Tuesday June 29th for a mini-workshop on The Powerful Pause!

:point_right: Replay is below


Love these posts - so very helpful, especially the one comparing what our brains do when triggered to being drunk. Thank you - looking forward to this.


Imagine being THAT person…

I can’t honestly say I knew anyone like THAT person…

You know, the one that seems to keep their head!

I’m not talking about the unemotional one. I’m not talking about the stoic or the Zen ones who seem always on some flatline that never reaches joyous yells or grieving sobs… ever.

I’m talking about the one that can restore their Calm and Confident Presence even in the face of difficulties.

It’s true: I learned to worry from Mommy. It’s also true: I learned to lie and hide what I was really feeling from Daddy.

It nearly killed me.

What I so wanted – needed! – was a way to bring myself back from worry and anxiety into resourcefulness.

I was attracted to EFT Tapping first and foremost because it seemed to offer that possibility. So, my first six months as a tapper, I paused each time I started to feel worried and anxious and tapped a few rounds, until I felt a bit more myself.

And that’s the power in the pause: the skillful feeling we get when we can go from feeling all wound up and triggered to… restored. Calming. Confidence returning.

I wish it was quite that simple. It CAN be! But I had already been meditating for 10 years prior to finding tapping. As I’ve worked with clients I’ve noticed that in order for people to give themselves the “out” – the time to pause and collect themselves – there are usually some blocks. Some beliefs. And maybe some people in their lives who are a pain in the primitive brain!

So… We’ve developed an approach that doesn’t require 10 years of meditation to give yourself a Power-Full Pause.

Sharing this approach is why Cathy and I are going to spend 90 minutes together with all of you who want to be THAT person:

  1. Who can calm themselves… and help others calm, too.

  2. Who can recognize when they need a moment, or hour, or day to be present fully with what is – and who has emotional tools to “guarantee” they can return and “be with” even seriously difficult situations.

  3. Who is open to sharing how in the world they stay / become so calm and confident with others!

If this is you… if you want to be THAT person, too:

:point_right: Replay is below


The Power-Full Pause: Restoring Your Confidence in Difficult Situations - Session Recording

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Click for Computer Generated Transcript

The Power-Full Pause: Restoring Your Confidence in Difficult Situations

Welcome everyone. This real skills workshop is the powerful pause. Powerful pause. Restoring your confidence in difficult situations. And I’m here. I’m Rick. It’s thriving now. And I’m here with Kathy and Kenny. What makes us useful? This topic is alone. I wish we could, everyone can take something like this because I don’t think it’s a concept that many people have.

[00:00:33] We are taught just to make a decision quickly, to jump ahead, to work really hard. And a lot of us are reacting in a fear and we’re reacting in old patterns. So we’re, we’ve learned patterns for parents or teachers. When we were three, we decided something in that pattern is still running and we’re jumping ahead with that pattern and we’re never interrupting.

[00:00:54] And when we work with people that have addictions, alcohol, food, shopping, whatever, a lot of times, there’s just no pause. There’s the impulse to like stress or whatever they’re feeling that they’ve learned to solve by doing these actions and then their subconscious and their survival brain is just there immediately.

[00:01:14] The thing they’re buying the thing they don’t need. They’re putting the food in their mouth. They’re putting the alcohol in their mouth, they’re smoking, whatever it is. Um, and there’s no pause. There’s no way for the cognitive brain, the intellectual part to get in there and say, Hey, you know, this might not actually help us the way we think it will.

[00:01:34] It’s a very instinctive kind of reaction. And if we can start to learn to put a slight pause between the feeling, the impulse and the actual action, and then we build that muscle up, we have a lot more control. We’re not just reacting the way we were. We saw other people doing or that we decided when we were a little kid, it was going to keep us safe.

[00:01:55] We’re actually making choices that led us. Direct our lives in ways that feel really fulfilling and delightful for us. And until we can put that pause, we’re really being driven. Our survival brain is just like steer the bus and it’s like, no, we gotta do this thing. We got to get safe. And the only way nobody gets safe is to eat that chocolate cake or buy that what’s that we pause for a second,

[00:02:23] myself getting a little amped up there. Yeah. Um, it is like the movie speed. It’s like, everyone’s just trying to survive and it’s not necessarily creating what we want in the world. And this is a muscle that we can build in practice.

[00:02:50] I remember when

[00:02:55] I visited, um, A woman that was going to help me meditate and potentially heal from well chronic disease.

[00:03:15] And it’s like, I am right now. I was used to very fast paced time. High bandwidth fiber optics, you know, are hurts. Trying to like my brain can operate at that level

[00:03:33] was seriously weird to be with someone who I could tell was really dark.

[00:03:45] We took a moment to feel into what was present in what I had just shared.

[00:04:00] And allow her body to tune width and be present with what she was saying. Like I’m doing the best that I can right now.

[00:04:16] So there’s a weirdness about the pause

[00:04:23] and it has been the most transformative thing in my life to amplify what Kathy was saying. We’re designed to be able to react a knee-jerk reaction. We have reactive arts all through our body. We step on something sharp before our brain even knows that we’ve done, that we have inhibited certain muscles lifted, others, stabilized our body.

[00:04:53] We’ve done a whole slew of things before that signal even reaches our brain.

[00:05:02] And sometimes when emotions are present, it’s like a sharp like path

[00:05:10] before we’re even aware of what has happened. Our body has gone into reacting

[00:05:22] and I, I want to start with just a little bit of

[00:05:31] real. If you practice the pause or try to only around the most difficult situations that happen to you, you will find that you never know,

[00:05:50] because like Kathy said, it’s a muscle. And so I heard some noise on the stairs. It was not the kind of noise that if you have a seven year old in the house that you want to hear,

[00:06:11] now, I jumped like, like the sound, the, the stuff falling down step after step, not a human, like I could tell that. But there were loud things banging down the steps from the top and my body jumped and I just paused for a moment. Okay. And a pause. If you were to put a hand gesture around it, it’s like not necessarily a stop, like, you know, like on the pause on the TV, there’s the two little dashes it’s like,

[00:07:00] and the energy is like this. It’s like, oh, I’m coming out of my primitive brain so I can actually feel more completely into what’s going on here because I practice the pause a lot. If my it’s one of my favorite relationship tools now, Along with tapping my collarbone. When I start getting a little anxious, um, I paused and I went to the bottom of the stairs and I started seeing some of the stuff, you know, the container of birth that was now all over the steps.

[00:07:37] And again, like seeing that the visual of all this stuff, his potion kit, because he makes potions and stuff. It’s supposed to be in the garage, not in his bedroom, but I paused again. And the way that we handled that the whole dynamic was so mature. I feel really good about it. I feel like I showed him who I can be.

[00:08:10] He showed me that he could be present with the mistake that he made and things like that.

[00:08:19] And if you’re trying to build a relationship, whether it’s with a seven-year-old or yourself, or with a loved one, or with a really difficult person, um, I just want to offer that by practicing the pause when you first start noticing yourself, um, in reaction, even if it’s a two or three, when it’s a five or six, you’ll start noticing that you can pause.

[00:08:46] And when it’s an eight, nine or 10, you’ll, your primitive brain will actually start doing something. Or we need a pause here because it will know that not only your survival, but your thriving, you know, survival includes our relationships that are closest to us. We don’t actually want to Farkle them. We don’t want to destroy the relationships that matter to us.

[00:09:09] And so like having a pause once we see that in the littler things, that it actually is useful.

[00:09:19] And it’s, it’s something that unite we’re going to be going through some aspects of this, the things that Kathy and I have noticed that’s about people from doing that. Stop it from being, um, natural and easy and powerful. And one of the things I’ll invite you to do, if you can, our brains like to be very active, we want to learn the things as quickly as possible.

[00:09:44] We want to feel like we’ve got the things checked off. Rick and I are going to purposely incorporate some pauses when we do this. And if you notice yourself feeling frustrated, realize that’s probably our old messaging that we’re not supposed to slow down. We’re not supposed to pause if there’s any thoughts coming up, that’s a great time to look at them and what we’ve learned very powerfully.

[00:10:06] I think one of the reasons Rick is such a powerful teacher is he embodies what he’s talking about. And our mirror neurons in our head can actually learn from other people’s experiences. So if you can, if you notice that like, oh, why isn’t he going faster? Why isn’t he giving me the check things. See, if you can allow yourself to energetically feel into what he’s doing, or if I do that as well, because your system can actually copy and paste, there are, we can learn a lot from a non, you know, it’s not like ABC, it’s just, there’s an energetic experience of it.

[00:10:41] And that can make that can allow you to learn this more easily. So you don’t have to reinvent the wheel. And I feel like Rick helped me a lot with this one. I was learning it and I’ve worked with other people too. A lot of us haven’t had that experience. I lived in a family. I grew up in a family where the pause was not a thing until this day.

[00:11:03] My mom will still call me up. She’s going through a great deal right now, but she’ll be, she’ll call me up hysterical. And if I tell her to slow down and take a breath, she, she gets. Amps up her adrenaline. She can’t do it. So what Rick was saying about practicing with the most difficult people, don’t start there really start with baby steps, start with safe people around you who are going to, and I, one of the things we’re going to talk about is giving them context because people like to jump in and fix things.

[00:11:32] I noticed myself doing this. Sometimes if someone pauses, I’m like trying to finish their sentence or guess what they’re doing or trying to help them socially. Versus if I know that they’re just trying to be present with their body, I can just take a breath and be with them. So it can really help. Please.

[00:11:50] Don’t judge yourself. If you can’t take this pause with people that are more challenging in your life. Especially at first, I do it now with my mother a lot. I do it for myself. I don’t invite her to do it because I’ve learned that’s our skill set right now, but it does help me stay really grounded when I’m with her.

[00:12:08] And we want that for you. We want you to be able to just be with people and still stay with yourself. And that’s something I think a lot of us struggle with or trained to be with the other person and dissipate their needs, take care of them or not also being with ourself and our need. And that pause lets us just kind of be back in ourselves,

[00:12:33] Ron, to ask you to lead us just in a short EFT tapping if you’re unfamiliar with tapping, oh, you’re going to love that maybe. Um, and we have a free guide at dot com slash . We’re not going to be teaching it tonight, but you’re welcome to follow along with us. We speak to the point and you can look at the video and see what we’re doing, but I’d like, if you could help us, um, that’s the stage for like, oh, there’s a lot going on that maybe stops me from pausing.

[00:13:08] Um, so that we can then open to the context and, and the potential of being able to set that with people. Yeah. So this is the pauses, um, One of the reasons it’s harder to teach is that the tacit experience, explicit experiences, I could say, take a slow, deep breath in for three counts, hold it for four counts, exhale slowly for four counts.

[00:13:33] You know, like that’s very ex there’s a number that you can, you can actually count and see for checking it off the pause there’s levels to it. And I will sometimes like when I’m really anxious, I think I’m pausing, but all I am is kind of frozen and I’m waiting a second so that I can start running again.

[00:13:49] So there’s an awareness of ourselves and our body and how it’s feeling that we can. It’s it’s um, someone asks like, what is this copy paste thing you’re talking about? And it’s kind of a feeling it’s tacit. There’s no way to say. Check you got it. But when you’re there, it’s kind of like an orgasm. You’ll know it when you feel it.

[00:14:10] Um, that kind of being present with myself. Am I actually feeling the sensations in my body? Am I letting my brain get off the hamster wheel? Am I allowing the breath to actually nourish the cells? Or am I actually like running in place? Just waiting for you to let me go. So I can go on that old pattern that I’ve done.

[00:14:30] And if you find yourself doing things you really intended not to do. This probably not pausing. Now, there are times with COVID and everything. And my mother going through a lot. I’ve had a lot of stress and there are times where I pause and I’m with myself and, you know, I’m like, you know what? The old recipe is exactly what I’m going to follow, because it will give me some comfort, but it’s a conscious choice at that point.

[00:14:55] It’s not me reacting blindly and each it’s time, we practice that. Even when I still go ahead and follow the rules recipe, I’m building the muscle to put that pause in there to take a minute and let my survival brain. Which is just running for the next thing that will make me feel better. It teaches it to just take a, if anyone rides horses, because I used to do discharge and we would do what was called a half halt, where the horse is still moving forward, but there’s a little bit of a gathering and that like, you’re not just dashing forward, you’re re-centering yourself.

[00:15:31] Um, and that can give you a lot of power in your life to direct where you want to go. It also lets the chemicals in your body kind of ease down a little bit. And if you’re very activated, it’s really okay to ask for longer than a short pause. Like it might be that I take a pause for a moment and say, Hm I’ve noticing I’m quite upset.

[00:15:53] I would like to talk again after, you know, 20 to 30 minutes, if we’re really activated, if the adrenaline and cortisol and all the hormones in our body are activated, we typically do need about 20 to 30 minutes to let them know. Burn off and kind of settle ourselves. So there’s really nothing wrong, especially if you let people know that you might do this with saying, I would really like to talk in an hour when I’ve had chance to calm down.

[00:16:19] And then I’m going to talk to the person from a place of there’s room for my intellectual brain to be in there, my heart to be in there, not just the fearful reacting part of it.

[00:16:32] Um, I’ll, I’ll leave the tapping then. Oh,

[00:16:42] okay.

[00:16:46] So noticing your body, how

[00:16:54] activated is it? Maybe you’re completely gel and a pause is actually you becoming more. Maybe you’re feeling a little Spacey, just noticing where you are not being out of a hand and slow it down

[00:17:18] and then pause for a moment. You can allow yourself to feel the sensations and fingertips and the side of your hand,

[00:17:32] have you noticed that you stopped breathing as you paid attention to your body sensations? Welcome to the club. Um,

[00:17:41] up another thing that we can, we can practice. We’re going back to the side of the hand, even though there’s a lot to this pause, even though there’s a lot to this pause, I’m not used to it. I’m not used to it. Really would like more personal power. I would like more personal power. I’d like to be more calm and confident.

[00:18:05] I would like to be more calm and confident. And I’m curious whether this would really help me. And I’m curious whether this would really help me. Sometimes. I just don’t feel like myself. Sometimes they just don’t feel like myself. Who was that?

[00:18:29] Who said that? My primitive brain, what if I had paused? What if I had paused? What if we had paused? What if we had paused some things really mattered to me. Some things really mattered to me. Is it worth taking a pause? If something really matters to me, is it worth taking a pause? If something really matters to me?

[00:19:08] Pause, bite you to pause anything that sounds like a command is never a command. It’s an invitation. You’re welcome to any army. Welcome to pause. Leave the room, leave the session. Pause. If you’re watching the replay.

[00:19:32] I noticed that that tapping had an intention to reflect that when we’re in our primitive brain, most humans don’t feel like themselves, especially people that have a lot of kindness, compassion, empathy, a lot of sensory, um, sensitivity. When we’re in our primitive brain, it it’s almost disorienting. And so we know that meditators, for example, have a bigger gap between a stimulus center response,

[00:20:13] right? By opening up curiosity, we’re saying to the brain, oh, maybe there’s a better survival strategy for the things that matter to us. Maybe there’s a way that we can feel more ourselves and not have that huge loss. And what if we didn’t get bigger? Our state triggered, wow, we’d be rich, rich with energy that, you know, right now gets like so activated and which leads us to kind of the first or step in the process.

[00:20:53] If you’re looking for practice partners, if you’re looking to communicate this, um, one of the things that I would say in relationship is this what you just said really matters to me. And I find like, I need a pause to just let it sink in and take it down for a moment. Would that be okay? How does that feel to you?

[00:21:14] If I said something like that to you, Kathy, and you all try it on, like, if somebody said that to you, you’re upset with them or you really care or you’re hurting and they say something like that in response, how does that feel to you? What noise comes up? Really? I feel honored if someone like there’s kind of a, a compliment in there.

[00:21:35] What you said is important to me. I, I want a moment to think about it or I’d like to pause and, and you can even normalize to people like take a step back and say, Hey, I’m trying to be more mindful. And I’m with you. I’m I may ask for a moment here and there just to kind of really tune in and be present with what’s happening rather than falling into the routines that we sometimes have.

[00:21:58] Um, if you’ve watched people greet each other, there’s that? How are you today? I’m good. How are you? It’s mindless. There’s not really a, oh wow. Look at this lovely face in front of me and the smile. And I can breathe with this person and be really grateful that they’re there and actually have a presence with them.

[00:22:17] Like, so I think that, I love that Rick. I love saying, Hey, this year, what you’re saying is important. And it was like a minute to think about it rather than jumping in and trying to, I think one of the reasons, the ways I trick myself around this is I should know how to, I know I should know what the person meant and I should know how to reply as opposed to like, oh, I’m not really sure what you meant by that.

[00:22:41] Or I might need a moment to see, well, I feel about that, which is really okay. Nice to you. A sense that you need to always be on the ball, so to speak.

[00:22:56] And being reactive in your conversations, you know, response, you know, reacting quickly, not leaving a gap, not leaving, not an uncomfortable pause, lead us in some tapping on uncomfortable positives, karate chop. Even though I have some resistance to posse, even though I have some resistance to pausing, they taught me, I should be quick on my feet.

[00:23:22] It taught me to actually be quick on my feet. I shouldn’t be glib. I should be glib. I shouldn’t have a quick answer to whatever you said. We should have a quick answer to whatever you say. And if I need to pause, there’s something wrong with me. And if I need to pause, isn’t there something wrong with me.

[00:23:43] So a little bit about who decided that we’re going to fight it, that top of the head, do I need to stick with this or I need to stick with that. I bro, I don’t want to race through my life. I do not want to raise through my life side of the I’d like to experience what’s actually happening. I’d like to experience what’s actually happening.

[00:24:08] And the, I make choices with all of my brain and body and make choices with all of my brain, all of my heart, all of my body under the nose. I do have some resistance to pausing. I do have some resistance to pausing. I haven’t had a lot of role models. I have not had a lot of role models and my poor brain does not quite know how to do this.

[00:24:38] My brain does not know quite how to do this under the eye. Luckily I have mirror neurons, and luckily I have these mirror neurons top of the head so I can copy and paste the best things from other people. Copy and paste the best things from other people I wrote and I get to practice this and I get to practice this side of the eye is okay.

[00:25:03] If I’m a little awkward.

[00:25:08] Now notice I just paused, right? Because there’s a resistance that I felt

[00:25:16] it is. Okay. If I am a little awkward under the eye, maybe I can find a safe practice, buddy. Well, I’d love to find a safe practice under the nose and I can let them know what’s going on and I can let them know what’s going on. Maybe they’ll even remind me if I forget.

[00:25:40] Maybe they’ll even remind me if I, my collarbone that pause might feel really good. Uh, pause might feel really, I mean, are, I wonder if I can allow myself to practice this? I wonder if I can allow myself to practice this top of the head so I can live with the rest of my life with more choice and ease and I can live with, for the rest of my life with more choice and ease.

[00:26:09] Just take a nice deep breath.

[00:26:18] There’s a lot of power in that choice in that moment. And someone shared, they get a lot of insights sometimes when they pause. And I think that’s true. Sometimes we see an option we never considered before. There are times when you’ll notice tapping can be dirty, rapid fire. And if I’m caught up in something like the fonts are just like, I like that.

[00:26:48] But one of the things that you can notice is at what point does a pause become possible?

[00:27:03] Often not when you’re triggered at a 10, it’s just not, you’re just not probably going to, even though I am not going to pause when I’m figured out a 10, even though I’m not going to pause and I’m triggered at his head, I’m going to fight flight freeze. I’m going to be all three in the same five minutes, maybe all three in the same five minutes, unless Rick’s the only one who does that.

[00:27:28] Um, Rick is not the only one who does.

[00:27:35] What if I practiced it around really simple thing, what if I practice there? Unreal, simple things. What if I practice a pause before I changed location? What if they packed as a pause before I changed locations before I enter a room before I enter a room, before I pick up a call, before I pick up a call, before I read a text, I look at my inbox before I look at my inbox,

[00:28:08] before I hug someone like Harriet that I care about after and after

[00:28:23] wonder how people would react to that, it went down. People would react to that.

[00:28:31] Oh, might get annoyed. Might get annoyed. I can always behave the old way. I can always behave the old way. Some people might be intrigued. Some people might be in shade. Some people might find relief. Some people might find relief. It’s okay to pause. It is okay to pause. What if I said, what if I said that to someone I’m feeling like we could use a pause?

[00:29:02] I’m feeling like we could use a pause. Is that true for you? Is that true for you? No, I’m just feeling like I could use a pause. Pause, pause right now. I really need to pause right now. There’s so many ways to invite this. There are so many ways to invite this.

[00:29:30] Resistance is coming up for me when resistance is coming out, for me,

[00:29:39] resistance can be the yes spot. And if you’d like, you would help Kathy and I to tune. If you want to share something in the chat. Also, if you, um, if you, if you have some resistance coming up, would you like to be open to taking a voluntary, glad to, and it might be resistance you’re feeling inside or your fears about other people’s resistance.

[00:30:01] We’re glad to work with either, because I know that for me, there’s often a fear of judgment of other people. And yet the people that I often feel really drawn to are the ones that I think are naturally taking that pause and making really clear choices for themselves. The kind of people that seem very calm and confident and like sure of themselves and some like, no.

[00:30:22] Bossy way. I’m just like, wow, I feel safe with you. And I don’t feel necessarily safe with people that are very reactive. I’m like, oh, I don’t think you’re actually seeing the situation very well. I, I noticed my body feels tense around you. So, you know, I think this pause can help us be the, that kind of person while we walk through the world and help other people feel safe.

[00:30:45] Um, and yet I think there’s a lot of, sometimes some resistance or fear about what other people will think.

[00:30:55] Well, what will other people think?

[00:31:01] Other people think, what will other people think?

[00:31:09] Do they need me to fight? Do they need me to give them. Under the eye or they used to me freezing or they used to be freezing or pleasing or pleasing.

[00:31:27] I know some people like that. I know some people like that are so used to that dynamic. They’re so used to that dynamic and then I’m ready for something different. And I am ready for something different, starting to give myself permission to explore this. I starting to give myself permission to explore this Richard’s was number two and I, I don’t see any hands raised and it’s totally okay.

[00:31:59] Um, I’d like co-creating with Kathy. If you change your mind, you can drop a note in the chat. Raise hands under reactions on the computers and under dot, dot, dot on phones and pads. And if you don’t want to actually tap with us directly, you can also put your whatever’s coming up for you in the chat. And we can, we have some of that in, in the tapping we do.

[00:32:24] So we’re glad to work with people. Um, and it might help for some people think about where you could have paused in your life. Like maybe in the last couple of days or in last year. Like where would a pause have made a difference for you? Like where could you, where do you think you might’ve made a slightly different choice or a better choice?

[00:32:45] Someone said, oh my God. Talking to my mother right there with you. I still, I still sometimes get caught up when we’re around other people that are very rough running on adrenaline and fear. It’s really easy to get caught up in that. Um, I’m, I’m scared. I’m finding myself resistant to the entire thing because then I might have to do something different.

[00:33:04] Yes, that’s scary. Can we tap on that Rick credit chap, even though I don’t want to do this pause thing, even though I don’t want to do this pause thing, it’s stupid. It’s stupid. I want to get me in trouble. I want to do the things I know will suit me. I want to do the things that I know will suit me. That I’m good at.

[00:33:26] What are you I’m used to, even if they don’t actually make my lifestyle. Even if they don’t actually make my life better, even if they actually hurt me sometimes even if they actually hurt me and my relationship sometimes and get a, hold on really tight, I’m going to hold on to my reactivity. Really tightly top of that.

[00:33:44] You can’t make me pause. You cannot make me pause. Thank goodness eyebrow. That’s just a stupid idea who thought of that under the eye? I don’t want to pause. I don’t want to pause under the nose. I might have to think and feel then might

[00:34:09] feel chin and it might also create a life that’s a little better for me. And I could create a life. That’s a little better for me. Hello everyone. But I don’t want to do it.

[00:34:26] Part of me wants to maybe give it a try.

[00:34:32] Part of me wants, may want to give it a try top of that and all of that’s. Okay. Nice. Deep breath.

[00:34:44] So let’s share, I revert to being eight years old. Totally relate to that. Um, I’ve put a positive going down to doomsday rabbit hole that I left to suck my whole day. Yeah, it’s really easy. Once we’re on the hamster wheel, just down the chute. So there are people in situations that make us feel like we’re eight years old.

[00:35:04] Um, probably not the time you’re going to tap because that’s like, you didn’t know this at eight, we’re learning it now and practicing it. Now your process there would be to do some inner tapping thriving tapping when the eight year old that comes up in certain situations. Um, And, we have a discussion area where we can go into that more detail.

[00:35:30] Um,

[00:35:33] there was a question about like pausing forces me to face my ugly feelings and address them. It’s so hard. I will say this when you learn to pause, um, you’re not actually facing your ugly feelings. You’re more present with what is actually right there. Ugly feelings are the reaction. I mean, you can be with life and death.

[00:35:58] You can be with a lot of things. Maybe I’m staying that too broadly. My pain, sometimes I have there’s. If I pause the pain and grief are there, they were always there, but I’m actually feeling the more, but I, if I’m very present, I’m not actually suffering versus when I’m resisting them, I tend to suffer.

[00:36:19] Right. And if it’s.

[00:36:24] I think all of us have repeated patterns. And that’s one of the things that tapping helps with as we’re building up our pause. It is just to reiterate the permission to pause starts with yourself before you got on the call, did you rush in and enact up finding email connect up and, and was there a pause?

[00:36:50] So between the time that Kathy and I did our pre recall, um, time on Skype and before I got on zoom, I paused and I just paused. I was present with my body with what was about to happen. It wasn’t the same as like crying, to feel. It’s a pause. If you have a scary movie and you can learn to press the pause button and get up and then come aside.

[00:37:25] Maybe I don’t want to watch the rest of this movie. I used to have a horrible time getting sucked into both mental patterns, as well as things like movies. And I’ve discovered that just like with a relationship dynamic or an argument online or something like that, the pause and even changing context that this is part of the permission.

[00:37:49] Do you give yourself permission to pause and go to the bathroom? If you had to pee yourself, if you continued and you said another three words, other than I got to pee. If, if you were going to pee yourself, if you sad to say anything more than I got to pee, do you give yourself permission to go pee? If so, you can leverage that and say, boss, I got a peat or words.

[00:38:17] But it’s an opportunity. It sets a context, it gives a permission and it goes to what we were talking about in neutralizing, social anxiety. It’s the exit. It allows you to tell your primitive brain. I have permission, no matter what, believe the pause, this, and I’ll take it a step further to come back to myself, to reestablish my connection to my, my power.

[00:38:48] The ugliest feelings are when the primitive brain is running. The show that primitive brain makes everything amplified. So if you have grief and sadness, it’ll be 10 X, a hundred times higher. If your primitive brain is, is running the show. If you practice this pause, you’ll feel more empowered. You can act.

[00:39:11] Calm yourself and rebuild your confidence. And from that place, you can be with those feelings more. And that’s typically what I see with clients. When they describe situations where they’re crying to avoid their feelings, the primitive brains energy is all over it. It’s like written in the primary colors of, of finger paint, inner garden, you know, it’s everywhere and that’s, that’s one of the invitations here.

[00:39:42] Come back into your adult embodied power. We have a hand raised, so we do some happy. Yeah. Great. I’m going to ask you, might you not meet Sydney? How are you doing? I’m good. Thank you. Um, I didn’t pause. Hold on. Let me actually. Yeah, that’s beautiful. Thanks for modeling that I’m hot. It’s hot in my area, sweating on my body.

[00:40:13] Um, aside from that, I’m feeling pretty good. Um, so I had an experience at work, uh, in the last couple of weeks where I was, um, I was right on every point, um, and in communicating with a coworker, um, my, my method of delivery was wrong and I intellectually knew that I probably should take a pause, um, because I think I overestimated my ability to manage my emotions in the moment.

[00:40:51] After the exchange, my position about the information that I was communicating still hasn’t changed. Um, and I was able to, we, we took a week pause and we came back together and communicated with each other about what had happened. And, um, after that, um, again, like for whatever it’s worth, I was right, but I was a Dick, right.

[00:41:15] Like I was just reading and the way I delivered the information. So I, um, would love to, I’d love to explore that. Okay. When you were presenting the data, like, what do you think there was in your tone or the manner that you presented it that made you a deck? Yeah, so I yelled and start off yelling, but it escalated quickly.

[00:41:39] Uh, the, what I was met with was what I perceived to be excuses. And I will admit to there being history with this particular person where it felt discounted and Patrick. No, I hadn’t really dealt with those things very cleanly in the past. So they were, I think that’s part of the underestimation, um, and sort of around the same issues where, you know, there’s some accountability and some, you know, I never called the PR.

[00:42:05] I never talked the person personally. I never, but, um, you know, any information that was shared with me was that they were really saddened by the extent of my commotion when I was communicating and being yelled at, and that it impacted them for the entire week, which is not how I want to show up in the world.

[00:42:25] Again, I wouldn’t have changed anything that I sat around the information, but the way that I delivered it was very not. Okay credit each up, even though I thought I’d be able to be calm with this person, even though I thought I’d be able to be calm with this person, I was kind of a Dick kind of a Dick. I legitimately was triggered.

[00:42:45] I was triggered and I have reasons and everything, but it’s not how I want to walk in the world. I want to walk in the world. I wish I could’ve taken a better pause. I wish I could’ve taken a better class and maybe I can have some compassion for myself too. And maybe I could have compassion for. Even though I was right, even though I was right, I didn’t deliver the information the way I wanted, I didn’t deliver the information the way I wanted.

[00:43:13] And that’s not how I want to interact with this person. That’s not fair. I want to interact with this person or any person. My permanent brain was running the show. My permanent brain was running the show. And part of it was this person. And part of it was this person and probably some other things, other people too, probably from the top of the head, I was reacting.

[00:43:34] I was reacting. I brow, I was overwhelmed. I was overwhelmed side of the, I had really good intentions. I had really good intentions under the eye and my information was it spot on information with spot on under the nose, but I didn’t have the impact I wanted to, I did not have the impact. I want to. So then what if I could forgive myself?

[00:44:00] What if I could forgive myself collarbone and gently tap and clear some of the old stuff that’s in the way and Jaffe tap and queer some of the old stuff that’s in the way. Um, they are, maybe I can find new ways to communicate with this person. Maybe I can find new ways to communicate with this person, cause this is not the impact I want to leave behind, not the impact.

[00:44:23] I want to think. Nice, deep breath. And when you think of this, how this incident, when this happened, what are you noticing right now?

[00:44:40] I’m noticing some compassion for about the best. That’s when you can start feeling compassion for both people, sides of this, that’s a really beautiful healing spot and it doesn’t, even if there’s a little bit, the healing can start happening. Um, and he sounded like you’re triggering the bead being discounted.

[00:45:01] Um, has that happened earlier in your life as well as, is there an echo on that or is that something that just happen? You know what this person now it goes through my, my life. Okay. Yeah. Just around on that, if that’s okay. Yeah. Even though it’s really hard to be calm when people discount me, even though it’s really hard to be calm when people.

[00:45:21] It’s happened way too many times, too many times, they pet, they patronize me. They patronize me and discounted me and discounted me. And I am honestly really mad. I’m honestly really mad and it’s not just this one person, this person. And I’ve dumped all of my anger on this one person, all of my anger on this person, even though that’s not how I want it to act.

[00:45:46] And that’s not how I want it to act. I’m okay. I’m okay. And the other person is too. So for the head we both survived. I wasn’t sure at times, I wasn’t sure at times inside of the other, there’s a lot of anger in my body. There’s a lot of anger in my body, under the eye for really good reasons or really good reasons under the nose.

[00:46:10] And I can heal that and I can heal that 10. Maybe. I can’t even explain that to this person. Maybe I can explain that to this person collarbone, and maybe I can heal the relationship we have. Maybe I can feel the relationship under the arm. I don’t have to beat myself up. I don’t have to beat myself up, but the head I can get through this with and keyless as I go forward, I can get through this and heal this as I go forward.

[00:46:35] Let’s take a nice deep breath.

[00:46:40] What are you noticing in your body now? There’s like an openness maker, a lateness. Beautiful. That’s one of the things I think with the pause and with tapping, when we speak the truth of what’s going on there, there’s an, there’s a healing and openness when we’re fighting ourselves and trying to pretend something isn’t.

[00:47:00] So that’s when we really can get in the suffering and the struggle. So I really appreciate your, I, you know, the, your willingness to have compassion for this person who are so angry at is it’s really touching to me and I appreciate your courage looking at. Thanks. Yeah. Anything else you want to add before

[00:47:22] black nature? What a perfect example of going to back to a situation where we were not ourselves. We are not the way that we wanted to be. There were repercussions and consequences. And guess what? By tapping on that, one of the things that Sydney brought to our circle tonight is that once you get some of the energy moving, there’s a compassion that rises for both interesting.

[00:47:54] Isn’t that? And when we do this, if we’re going into a meeting and I know that I’m sensitive, Hi, I am sensitive if I’m going into a meeting and I pause. And one of the things that I just am aware of in the pauses, I have compassion for myself and the others in this, even though, and maybe what happens is my, my primitive brain goes no, those disrespect, well, it’s time for me to go pee.

[00:48:31] It’s time for me to go in the other room and go, even though they’ve disrespected me in the past, I’m going to respect the compassion that I feel for myself and them too. And that tunes me so that when something comes up, my, my heart can speak more loudly and give me the pause. And one of the things that, um, we can all do is in that dynamic.

[00:49:00] What, where was a point. Where I could fantasize, like taking them pause. So like one of the pauses, you know, interlacing your fingers and closing your eyes and go, I hear you. Um, I may not like what we’re hearing, but that’s a way of, of like, I hear you and, oh, actually I need to pause a moment and really hear what is going on here.

[00:49:30] Okay. I hear you. And as soon as we start demonstrating that we have the capacity too, to manage our energy happening for me was about emotional self-management. That is what sold me on this pool was like, I want to be able to manage my own power. I didn’t want it to create havoc. And the pause is that consolidating the power energies coming in.

[00:50:02] And what do I do with it? Pause is not saying this isn’t important to me. This is important enough to me that I’m not going to just buzz through it. I’m not going to lose my, my grace. I’m going to activate more of it. Um, so thank you so much for that. It’s it is, um, a way that we build the skill and give ourselves permission is to take cases where we didn’t pause.

[00:50:34] And we don’t like the outcome. It’s not what we stand for. It’s not what matters to us. It’s not who we want to be, which means, you know, there’s pain there. The primitive brain wants to avoid pain and by bringing some compassion and presence and honesty, we can find the places where we can practice. We’ll pause on our own.

[00:51:02] We can say something like, I hear you. I hear you. Let me pause for a moment. Um, it feels important for us to consider now you’ve offered safety and respect back and that’s powerful. Happy. Yeah. I just, I think that one’s really nicely. Someone had shared in the chat that something was coming up for them.

[00:51:28] Interestingly is they don’t they’re they don’t want to pause too, because it might allow others to take advantage or run over or like, kind of, and if you say I’d like to pause, but the other person just kind of steering or pushing often in their own primitive brain, I can be very hard to like, ah, and again, we’re suggesting you not start with that.

[00:51:49] For those kinds of people in private practice with people that it’s a little more dental and, and it can be hard when people are really used to moving fast. I think, um, someone was sharing someone else was sharing about having, uh, uh, a family member who had, um, retardation, I think is what the word they used.

[00:52:09] I’m always wanting to be careful about how I use words and I’m not sure. Where it went. No. Um, but the person would pause a lot and they loved that. They, they, they really enjoyed that connection. And I think also sometimes in our society, there’s a lot of intellectual judgment that if you’re not quick and fast, that you’re not as sharp as you could be.

[00:52:32] And that people do that, our society unfortunately feels like then you have the right to kind of run over that person and steer, because maybe they’re not, they’re not as aggressive or assertive or on top of things as they might be. Could we do a little tapping on that, Rick, something around that, which this is definitely bringing us into the third aspect of it, which is the dynamic of, of, you know, what, if somebody doesn’t listen to my request, um, and.

[00:53:00] Yeah, it’s a, it’s a big deal. And as soon as we’re done with this happening, we’re going to take a pause the seven minute break and then we’ll come back. You ready? Yeah. Yeah. Karate chop, even though I’m afraid to take a pause, even though I’m afraid to take a pause, they might think I’m too slow. They may think I’m too slow.

[00:53:24] They might be impatient. He might be impatient or judge my intellectual power or consider me weak. Yeah. Yeah. They might try to drive things the way they want to go in March. They do try to drive things the way that they want to go. And maybe I can still take a pause and take care of me.

[00:53:48] Yeah. And I’m giving myself permission to pause and take care of me. Anyway, top of the head, they may have a lot of judgments.

[00:54:01] That’s something. People are really good at. People are really good at that side of the eye. And I want to choose things that are right for me.

[00:54:13] I so want to choose things that are right for me, for the weed space too. Yeah. Under the eye, I can let them know I’m taking a pause. I can let them know I’m taking a pause. It was, and I don’t have to follow them. If they run me over, don’t have to allow them to run me over. Jim. I can say, I’m not going to do that.

[00:54:36] I am not going to do that. Pause. Yeah. That’s not a yes for me. No, it’s not a yes for me. Yes. Under the arm. I’d like to talk again later when I’ve had a chance to think about it. I’d like to talk later when I’ve had a chance to think about this top of that. I’d like to judge me as being powerful and presence.

[00:54:58] I’d like to judge me as being powerful and present. Maybe that matters a lot. And maybe that kind of power matters a lot. I’m just taking this deep breath.

[00:55:14] When we get back, we can talk a little bit about power with, and there’ll be power over and how the pause really and reinforces the power with. So what we’re going to do here is we’re going to pause the recording.

[00:55:28] Welcome back. If you’re watching this on the recording, as several hundred people had that they will be, um, it’s okay for you to take an, a pause there too. And at any time, um,

[00:55:49] when we think about applause and in the relationship with others, You know, what are, what are people, what are people don’t respect to? One of the things that Kathy has mentioned is our mirror neurons. So that’s sort of the copy and paste. I have a new baby. Madeira is eight months old. You fear, every time I send out an email, she’s adorable quite.

[00:56:17] She said, center picture, good time. And she watches and she learns and takes in by being what I do and other people do. And you can be her brain then copying it. If you’re a leader. And I believe we are all as members of a circle, every one of us has power in the circle. We may not have authority in an organization.

[00:56:50] We may not have cooperation with another human being that does not mean that we don’t have power and power over. Is that kind of authority, which says, if you’re the CEO, you can say, well, we’re going to take a pause here for 15 minutes and everyone come back and have an answer that would make me stressed.

[00:57:13] Um, but I’ve been in CEO meetings where that was done and nobody questions that because they’re the boss. Um, our wifi is different than power over power with says, you know, I’m aware that even as everyone is doing this, if inside of me, I am calming myself. I’m pausing the mental chatter, or even necessarily trying to follow everything that’s happening.

[00:57:46] I just heard 300 milliseconds re seconds, 10 seconds. I am allowing my energy to be more present, to let gravity do a little bit more work. You could put on pause. If you’d like to try that. Notice what happens in your body. If you just let gravity do a little bit of more of the work, I feel a little bit more solid.

[00:58:13] My gravity deepen my voice. I didn’t have to try if I’m more relaxed in my voice. Guess what happens when I speak everyone else’s mirror neurons will either resonate with it. They might resist. But I’m going to be sending out a powerful signal that it’s useful for us each to be regulated. Regulated means I’m calling and I’m competent saying I’m regulating, I’m finding a better balance point.

[00:58:51] It’s useful for us to co-regulate that, Hey,

[00:58:58] you know, you, we can send a signal. Maybe there’s somebody at the meeting we’re in the circle that you can just like get the eyes for a slightly longer pause as you pause and take a pause within yourself and. There. There’s plenty of research that if you take a bunch of home people having a good time and you put someone who’s freaking out in the midst of them, everyone’s biochemistry changes.

[00:59:38] There’s also plenty of research too, that says that someone coming in with a calm and confident demeanor, which I believe the pause is fundamental to. If you can’t pause, then how can you stay calm and confident? Because someone’s going to say something. If I can add an extra a hundred milliseconds to my reaction so that there is a pause and like, Hmm.

[01:00:07] Everyone will notice if you’re a leader. If you’re a parent, if you’re a lover, a friend, somebody on the street, We, we have this and there will be people whose primitive brains do not want to let you. And so that’s why this perm pause. I used to say, I need to stop. That would read out almost everyone, including myself.

[01:00:37] Let’s stop says we’re done it triggers the we’re done anxious attachment part. This matters to me. I need to pause you matter to me. I need to pause, feel the difference. This needs to stop. Oh, that’s. So now I was parents.

[01:01:02] Yeah, the boy, like so much is about survival. Our spreads are always evaluating people around us to see if they are going to enhance our chances of survival. People that have a calm, powerful, thoughtful choice. They are enhancing our ability to survive in the world. Now there are certainly people that will drive things through that power over, like they’re going to make things happen and people cower and kind of try to appease them, but there’s not the charisma.

[01:01:33] And the leadership that I think we’re looking for is much more that quiet, thoughtful person. That’s like everyone else is panicking, flailing against the walls. The exits right here. I invite everyone to calmly go this way here, gently let’s walk out the exit. We don’t have to panic. And I like that kind of leadership.

[01:01:56] I don’t want to harangue terrified bully people into, even if I think I know what’s right for them, I don’t want to them to do it because I did that. I want them to do that because if they’re working on healing or whatever, making choices, I want them to do that because they genuinely know it’s right for them.

[01:02:15] And I love the fact that we can, when we’re in that pause where there’s a little bit of chat, like Rick was talking about lowering his voice, the relaxed, you know, when we’re tight or muscles, people can pick up what’s going on. We don’t there’s micro-expressions and different ways we hold our bodies and subconsciously we’re picking all that.

[01:02:35] And when we take that pause and the specialist or practice it so that we get some pretty good muscles there, people can tell that we’re in that calm, powerful state. And then we can invite people like, oh, how about this suggestion? People often pay more attention to it. Now there certainly are societal things like Sydney was talking about before people of color women.

[01:02:59] There’s a lot of discounting out there in the world. I’m not saying that this is going to eradicate that, but I also think that when I’m in a very calm, quiet state, I’m more likely to be heard that if I’m really anxious and worried about that. So I’m not taking away anyone’s experience of having been discounted.

[01:03:17] I totally get our society does that a lot. And I want to be as powerful as I can and do what I can internally. Well, I can help educate other people and bring things up to people and say, Hey, I felt discounted when you said that. Or I felt very unimportant when you didn’t acknowledge what I said, I can also work on myself and then I can walk through the world in a way that maybe makes it a little bit harder for them to look overlook me.

[01:03:45] And I can have that kind of influence with people where we can create the kind of world we want to live in. We’re not just running from quick fix to quick fix. We’re like, no, today I’m going to choose to take that walk around the block instead, or I’m going to just take a breath and step into something different.

[01:04:05] And I just, I want to honor each of you that are here because I think we don’t often acknowledge this work. Like a bet. A bunch of people read the, the Thomas topic headlight is like, why do I, why would I even want to go to that? And you saw the value behind what was being offered and he showed up and you’ve spent, now we’ve been here an hour and 45 minutes working on pretty stuffed tough stuff.

[01:04:31] Things that are not just like intuitive. Oh yes, of course. I get that. This is something that muscle you get to build. And I think that if you can apply it just a little bit, a few times, each day, as you start practicing, it starts to get to be a habit it’s really going to change the trajectory of how you interact with other people and how you interact with yourself.

[01:04:55] I know that in the height of my, when I was healing from abuse, my survival rate was so reactive and I was so overwhelmed. I didn’t feel like I had a choice. And I was so frustrated with myself because I knew what I wanted to do. I knew how I wanted to behave and I wasn’t behaving that way. And I just felt so powerless over myself.

[01:05:16] And I was like, oh, I don’t know what to do. And there was anger and grief. And, and then as I’ve been able to get a little more pause in there, I’ve had more ability to steer. I’m not just driving on ice with the brakes locked. I’m like, oh, there’s some, I can actually steer a little bit, not perfectly, not all the time.

[01:05:35] There’s times when I get to a 10 or 12 and I’d call a brick or another friend. I go, oh, not working today. And that’s okay. Humans get to go there, but we can also rebound much faster. And I love what Rick’s doing with the center, because that lets us rebound faster. We’re not like stuck in that skid for two weeks where like, oh, I skidded for about 30 seconds.

[01:05:58] I said a few things I didn’t want to, I’m going to go clean it up. I’m okay. There. Okay. Um, and that’s a really nice way to live. So I just, I’m really, I’m honored for each of you that are here learning this because each of you is a bright light that gets to spread that out. And that’s, that’s just a nice thing to have in the world to know that you’re each carrying that cause people can learn from their mirror neurons as they cud these things.

[01:06:23] They don’t have to actually take class necessarily to learn this. Rick, do you want to talk about the center a little further? Because I think we have some new folks here. Um, yeah, I’ll mention that, but I want to pause for a moment and let some of that CAEP sneak in. And also I’d like to talk about, um, kind of a layer on we’re still in this, what of people going on our, our request.

[01:06:51] So

[01:06:55] a community vision for the riving is that all caffeine. I hear. Facilitators, we prepared for this. We’ve done a lot of professional work. I believe that every one of you has wisdom and experience related to this situation is where you took a pause and you notice that things were quite different, which is where you didn’t pick a pause.

[01:07:22] And you wish that you did something may blurt out of your mouth. That just like, oh, I like that. And it’s a place for you to share that it’s not a place where you have to share it. That wouldn’t be a normal freedom for all. That’s a place where you can, you could ask for someone to do some role playing with you.

[01:07:44] Maybe someone will say yes, maybe not if a small group right now, and it’s meaningful. I believe that. It continues the energy of the circle, the power with the leave, a space where your consideration, maybe your pause, let this all. So again, six months and comes back and you want to, something is really settled for you.

[01:08:10] And you’ve got something new that you want to add to it. It’s a repository for questions and insights and wisdom. So I think that’s part of get real skills like this and being calm and confident. And I feel into like, what is it really? What really helps me? What has helped me feel at ease when I haven’t been calm and confident and a person that can take a pause,

[01:08:43] some moment to sync up has really helped. And we talked about. Like the first layer of this is can I give myself a pause? Like,

[01:08:59] you know, can I, can I give myself a pause in a situation that’s a 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7. And you’ll notice that, okay. When it’s an, an eight I’m, you know, I’m already giving the finger, you know, he honked at me, I wasn’t expecting at the fingers flying, um, and where whatever is right for you. If you notice that you can give yourself a pause, start making that just a bit more context and situation that the energy is rising.

[01:09:34] You’re starting to feel like, oh, there’s a lot of energy here. Doesn’t necessarily mean it’s bad, but it’s definitely like not, um, not juicy, wonderful thriving, and there’s a tension in it. The energy is rising and it’s attention. You can say something like I’ve offered. Ooh, that’s interesting. Let me take a moment now.

[01:10:01] You’re not even using the word. Pause. Wait a second. I, I need to really feel, I, I, I, I want to make sure I heard what you were sharing there. Um, and you can add a little pause to be like, Ooh, wait a second, second. I want to make sure I heard you right now. They may jump right back in, but guess what you’ve done.

[01:10:29] You’ve given permission to pause. And if you find yourself like, oh, well that, that Bert I’m feeling hurt. I’m feeling, um, activated not yet triggered. I haven’t lost myself, but I’m aware of my sensations are starting to get too much.

[01:10:52] I, um, could we, could we pause for a moment? It’s a, we, it would be pause for a moment. Nope. If it keep talking, I said, people will. Hold for a second. I, I really find, I need a, I need a break. It’s really okay to do this. Yeah. Like, and sometimes they’ll keep going. And that’s when like boundary, the hard boundary is the, the castle wall, you know, where you don’t want, um, anything beyond that, but all these leather layers, as you, as you imagine, and you play with them, you can start finding language that works for you, your style, your attitude, the way that you know, like, huh.

[01:11:42] Well, that’s really interesting. That was pretty fast, right? Like, huh, that’s really interesting. Can we wait, hold on just a sec. Could you repeat that one part about now? You’re you’re just adding a little bit of pause into the dynamic. If somebody is in their primitive brain and you’re calming and, and, and giving permission to pause, okay, well, we space the space between you absolutely changes.

[01:12:22] It doesn’t mean that they won’t be angry. It doesn’t mean that they won’t still be in their primitive brain, but you’re sending a very powerful signal that the vibrational leadership is now in the hands of the person who is not in their primitive brain. And that you’re you’re you’re you’re, you’re saying, listen, I want this matters to me, or I would just leave if you’ve got that permission.

[01:12:47] If you didn’t, if you haven’t cultivated that a little, go back to the neutralizing circle, anxiety, um, session. There’s a lot in there about making sure that you’ve got an option to leave. To me. That’s where it’s like, um, I’m going to take a pause right now and I will communicate with you within the hour about a next step.

[01:13:09] That’s a yes for me or, Hey, I’m taking a pause. The leader, not say I’m out of here. It’s saying I’m taking a pause. And, um, that is something that I have done. And when I have done it, when I’ve been pushed or triggered or activated to the point where I have said, listen, I need a pause. I don’t know about you, but I can not continue and be myself.

[01:13:35] And this matters to me. So expect a communication from me within the day. And I think that if this is a style that works for you, it can help people to let you know, to let people know because, um, our friend Marie Malco talks about cool-down styles when people get activated and there are people where they’re conditioned and they wanted to stay really like some people, like if you leave, that means you don’t care about me.

[01:14:05] And there’s some people that need to go away and some people just need to sit near each other and not talk for awhile, maybe touching their feet or whatever underneath just telling the person you’re talking to that you’re queued out cold on style is whenever works for you. Maybe you need to go for a walk outside.

[01:14:21] Maybe you need a day. Like, and I do think we get more resilient over time. I know that used to take me like maybe a month before I’d want to talk to that person. And now it’s like, okay, you 10, 20 minutes later, I’m probably fine to talk to most people about most things, but I’m just letting them know. Hey, if I get activated, if you trust the person enough to say, you know, when I get upset or activated, it really helps me to go for a walk, not myself.

[01:14:48] So I have fireworks. There were, there’s a lot of people sending out fireworks right here. Um, but you can just get good in business settings. You can, you can adapt the language you can say, I hear you. And this feels important. Doesn’t it? And I want to off the cuff answer or considered answer from me. Okay.

[01:15:15] Pause.

[01:15:19] You can be the one that has maybe some authority and power in a meeting and say something like, Hey Bob, can we pause for a moment? I’m noticing that I want to hear from her and them. And, um, And if I have some authority, it’s a way of creating a space where people can, um, there’s there’s room. And just like with boundaries, try to ask for that pause before you’re fully activated.

[01:15:52] So the analogy is if your, if your boundary is right up against your nose and someone crosses that boundary, they’ve already hit you in the nose. And you’re really hurt if you keep the boundary away a little bit and they crossed the boundary. Okay. You haven’t hurt me, but I’m like, no, that’s not. Okay. So just like with a pause, take that pause sooner than you might think you need it.

[01:16:12] Don’t wait until you’re a 10 or 12, like, okay. I’m noticing my three. Okay. I’d like to take a pause now or not the end of my rope, and now it’s not a pause. It’s stop or else. And that’s, if you get to that place, it’s beautiful because downstream you can go, okay.

[01:16:36] I missed the yellow light and I slammed on my brakes. Right. As I was about to enter the intersection with all the cars, you know, where did I miss the yellow light? What was I, you know, how could I give a pause early on? And if it’s a pause because you really need, um, to change the subject, I can, I’ve said something like, Hey, I need, I need to pause this conversation for a moment.

[01:17:08] No, I really, I, I have to pause this conversation for a moment. Um, did you want me to give you space or can we just pause for a moment now I’m using some, some like worse there, because I want to protect myself and I can say, Hey, remember when I said that that particular subject is, is not a good subject for me, it’s, it’s not good for my health and wellbeing.

[01:17:39] It’s not good for our relationship. Um, would you be willing to change the subject or where I need to, to bow out right now?

[01:17:53] Uh, I, my partner says I don’t have the energy for that right now. And that I’ve seen it work with her. Seven-year-old it works well with me at first it was really surprising. And now, I mean, I would love it. Like, Hey, can we pause? I really don’t have the energy for that right now. Now, because if, if that energy was a little bit earlier on before the stop sign, like it would work better for me.

[01:18:25] And I’ve mentioned that and more and more often, it’s not even like, I don’t have the energy for that right now, which is a harder boundary. Very clear the mistaken. I love it actually, because we don’t fight. She’ll say I don’t have the energy for that right now. It doesn’t mean ever, but it means right now, Um, and we could say something like, yeah, let’s talk about that.

[01:18:52] Um, that’s important to us. Let’s talk about it. Um, tonight after the kids go to bed, um, yeah, that’s a pause. That is also a pause. I like the word pause. I want to normalize it. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for being a part of a community where we’re looking at that you may never use the word pause, but there’s a hand there’s this real power that you reclaimed for yourself.

[01:19:22] When you have the capacity to pause, when you have find the power with others, where when you come forward with, Hey, I’m noticing I’m feeling something in the space here, uh, for all of us. And I’m wondering right now, other people to take a pause. We really invite you to practice this thriving center, that center thriving, not out center is a great place to meet people.

[01:19:55] Judy is here and Judy and I think we’ve known each other 13 or 14 years. We met through Rick’s group and we would, we had Friday night dates. We’d get together and we’d have we do tapping. It was back on the phone before we had an, any Skype or zoom or anything, but we’d practiced together. And Judy’s a very dear friend of mine now, and it really helped me get through some rough times.

[01:20:18] So I invite you to build your circle with some of the people from this group, because you know, they’re how many people that are mean or evil, or like really bad folks that you would want to be close to. We’re going to spend an hour and a half Tuesday night talking about the paws. I’m pretty much, they’ve been weeded out nicely for you.

[01:20:40] They find us pretty repulsive, which is great because I’m really blessed by so many familiar faces, people that are dear have become dear to me and dear to our community and circle. All right. Thank you all for being here and, um, write down on your calendar. If you’d like, if you’re free on July 11th, 2021, we’re going to do emotional freedom day and we’re going to have two sides, mountains, and we’ll have more information on that in our email.

[01:21:10] So be sure to subscribe, um, at thriving If you’d like the, bye for now.

We covered…

  1. Why the Pause is core to living with calm and confidence.
  2. What happens in our brain and body-mind when we’re activated into our primitive brain.
  3. Why practice when we’re at a 2-3-4-5 builds the muscle… because if we don’t practice the Pause at lower intensity it will never, ever be available to us at a 10!
  4. We set the context for the Power-Full Pause.
  5. We tapped to give ourselves permission to Pause.
  6. We tapped on other people’s reactions and judgments when we Pause.
  7. We shared language we can use to help make it easier and more natural, too!

We absolutely invite your wisdom and ah-ha’s and stories about how the Pause has worked (and not) for you! Please reply…


Pausing is so helpful for me now and has been since @Rick and I had a session and you suggested I pause before speaking or getting angry. So now I pause often and also take some calming breaths. I pause and tap before making a phone call that I don’t want to make. Pausing even helps when I’m in pain rather than react or get angry. Ok I pause and ask the pain what is it trying to tell me. I don’t always get an answer but pausing seems to center me rather than reacting.


Powerful session, @Rick and @Cathy - thank you. I liked the idea of practicing on the small things first. I am going to try this first before moving on to the big stuff!

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Practicing the Pause when it is something pleasurable also helps. For example, you’re walking or riding a bike… there’s a quality of movement, intensity. Can one pause and savor? Calm and allow ourselves to feel what we feel, notice what can be noticed, appreciate the fullness of the moment – and the power in it for us, from us, with us?


Love that idea. Much easier to practice the pause when I’m doing something enjoyable. This was my horoscope yesterday. Fitting!


Just wanted you to hop in to share my thoughts! Wow…! This is so powerfully simple, such that I’ve always overlooked this idea of pause!! Oh my, I’ve used to do meditation and mindfulness but because I never knew about safe spaces or EFT, I was perpetually stuck in a state of fear just trying to calm myself down forcefully with the help of mindfulness and pauses. So that caused me to dismiss its benefits eventually.

But now I can start to reframe this more and more, and use it pauses more as well!

Work is becoming unbelievably hectic, especially for a trauma-informed person. And every sight, decision, step that I or others make, really triggers me deeply, and I find myself out of my mind sooo many times! I always thought that I would need to do deep inner tapping to tap “down” the problem, but now with this new idea of pausing, I’ll been trying to catch myself more and more from latching onto my reaction from the simulation, and as the workshop pointed out, actively choosing, changing and calming myself with a bit of love, reassurance and compassion…! And wow, even though it can be really hard to break out of that latch, framing it in the idea of a muscle gives it more slivers of hope that I can slowly find more calm amidst trying times!

I’m so happy that now, my inner child can slowly find its place, it’s security, and it’s moments of deep care, in a toilet cubicle, with some of those shitty smells around xDD!!!

It’s still awfully scary many times, and it’ll probably take a great while to be more calm, but I’m happy that I’m finally moving that needle…truly moving it…!

And thx @Rick for the replays and the topic conversations! It’s great to be able to still be a part of this even though my schedule may not work out due to work!


Yay!! You’re doing it!

A sweet reminder to you that Confidencing is part of the Pause, too. We pause to calm. We pause to confidence ourselves. Giving yourself credit for having the awareness to pause can add to the energy of confidence in the body’s core.

Love to you!


Awesome that you recognize this, Jun, and you can use the PAUSE in your arsenal to help in your healing journey.


So glad you are calming yourself with love, reassurance and compassion because you so deserve every bit of love for yourself. You’re so awesome.


Thanksss guys!! I’m happy to share what I’ve learnt and where I’m continuously growing…!!


My powerful pause, which I look at as my reset button is my mantra.:blush::boom::pray:t2: