What If I Am Not As ___ As I Thought? (Bad/Lazy/Selfish/Unwanted...)

 Real Skills Workshop - Community Event

RS 2021-08-29 What If-1200x630

What If I Am Not As ___ As I Thought? (Bad / Lazy / Selfish / Unwanted…)

Real Skills Workshop: Be Calm and Confident

Hosts: Rick Wilkes (@Rick) and Cathy Vartuli (@Cathy)

Recorded Sun Aug 29, 2021

:point_right: See the replay below

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Does that really make me stupid?

I grew up in the age of name-calling. Yeah, there was physical bullying, but that could send you to the principal’s office. But name-calling seemed to be okay. Multiple adults told me to repeat after them:

Sticks and stones can break my bones but names will never hurt me.

Uhhh… well, those names they called… They did hurt me.

Have you ever been hurt by stinky sticky labels someone pressed on you?

Lazy? Weak? Selfish? Greedy? Bad?


On the spectrum I am lazier than many (although I call it being Efficient ). I’m not as strong as some. I’ve got better boundaries than many, too, so yeah, some would declare I’m selfish.

I’m not stupid.

Yet, dang! Just about everything I do there are people somewhere (Facebook for sure) that would call me stupid for my choice, no matter how deeply considered!!

Drink coffee? Stupid!
Walk instead of run and lift weights each morning? Stupid!
Don’t charge “what you’re worth” ? Stupid!
Prefer Kindle books over print? Stupid!
Apple over Windows? Stupid!

Oh, I am just touching on the simple ones. I can’t think of anything, honestly, where there isn’t a human or a million who looking from their world into mine, with their own convictions being supreme and my choices needing to be subjugated to their authority… will declare my choice of briefs over boxers to be stupid.

I mean, that’s how humans can be. It would be a magical misconception to expect that not to happen.

Here’s the thing. I care about emotional freedom. If we’re going to be emotionally free (and not at war with non-believers), it means being able to be confident and internally clear. That’s a Real Skill!

If you’re wanting to clear out some of the sticky labels from your own well-being – whether stupid or others – I’d like to support you in that. Really.

Yes, this is helped by tapping on the belief and the experiences and people that stuck you with it – including yourself. It also helps to be clear about how you’d like to identify – and boost your confidence.

So, our next Real Skills Workshop will be where we do just that. Cathy and I hope you’ll join us! Sign up here. Sunday Aug 29th 4pm EDT. (Yes, you’ll also get the recording.)

We’re trusting that if you can support the workshop with a payment of $7.11+ you will. Thank you!

If you can’t, well… by all means join us for free, as our honored guest.

We know that freed of some of these sticky icky beliefs about yourself that abundance can and will flow to you.

:point_right: See the replay below

When was the last time you changed your mental filter?

Have you changed the filters in your brain recently?

We know the importance of changing oil filters in our cars, air filters in our homes… But when was the last time you even checked your mental filters?

Tiny children, trying to understand the world, make decisions about themselves and how well they function. A careless (or not so careless) remark by an adult, a bad experience (or many), and that little mind is stuck with beliefs - sometimes for life.

And those poor little minds don’t have a lot of experience to base those judgments and decisions on.

  • Aunt B says “Isn’t it a shame Little Kala is so very clumsy…” in a sharp voice several times, and Kala may have a filter of clumsiness she caries for life.

  • Whenever Dad gets frustrated with Little Evander, he says “The kid isn’t the sharpest knife in the drawer, is he!” Over time, Evander decides he just isn’t that smart.

  • Little Kaiya’s Mom and Dad are overwhelmed and push her away when she wants to cuddle. She might decide she is needy, too much, or unlovable.

When someone important says or does something critical, either often or in an intense way at an intense time, our little brains suck that up as truth.

Small children think everything is about them, so when bad things happens… They are looking for ways they are at fault. They don’t have the understanding to say:

  • “Aunt B isn’t very understanding about kids learning how their bodies move, and children often go through spurts of more and less gracefulness. What if I don’t have to believe her?!”

  • “Dad loved me in lots of ways, and he was really impatient with me, and different people learn things at different speeds. What if I can decide for myself how smart I am?”

  • “Mom and Dad didn’t have a lot of time for me, and I can process the grief I have around that, and find people who want to spend time with me!”

Those early filters - judgments on our capabilities and desirability, can be really sticky. They are often hard to change!

Talking about those filters can give an intellectual grasp of the problem, and the filters are often lodged deep in our energy fields.

As an added block to changing filters, the reticular activating system in our brain will help us see what we believe.

If I convince you that there are more red cars on the streets than any other color, that part of your brain will filter and help you notice all the red cars.

If you are convinced you are stupid, unlovable, ugly, that part of your brain will look for evidence that this is true. Making it harder to find new ways of thinking about yourself.

Luckily, Tapping is a powerful way of helping the limbic system of your brain see things in new ways!

If you’re ready to change some filters in your brain, join us on Sunday to clean up some old, messy filters that are clogging up the works!!

:point_right: See the replay below


We humans need to explain things…

The diagnosis was a relief. Ulcerative colitis. Incurable.

Whew! Finally, a why for all the pain I was feeling!

Of course, they were wrong. And right. Sure, from a western medical perspective the diagnosis and codes fit. Through their lens I was appearing a certain way, with certain symptoms and tissue damage. Ok! We can explain that!

Then again… in my search for a why, I had to ignore a lot of things. Like the level of trauma I had experienced as a teen, a secret that was eating me up. Or, the level of worry I was unable to digest. The fact that I felt trapped by work I didn’t want to do anymore… and it was eating me up inside (literally).

If I had been open to exploring the question, “What if I am not as sick as I think I am?” it just might have opened up doors to… other possibilities.

Eventually, I was open. I got help and healed the traumas. Sold the business. And made other lifestyle changes to help me thrive. No more “incurable” ulcerative colitis.

Sometimes our “why” that we held tightly to isn’t actually… true.

I have had clients insist that they were selfish, when they were being emotionally coerced to take care of someone who had no regard for their freedom or consent.

How many people feel they are “lazy” because they were told that all growing up… when the truth is that they’ve never been free to explore what would activate their heartistry – or even what that means!

I get it… we humans try to explain things. There’s a part of us that INSISTS on knowing the why. DEMANDS to know what’s wrong with us even.

We’ll not be emotionally free when our knee jerk reaction is to criticize ourselves. We will not be able to co-create with joy and delight if we don’t start asking Better Questions.

Yes, it is a skill. Better Questions are a skill. Sometimes before we can even ask a better question we have to unshackle ourselves from being convinced that the explanation for our dis-ease is some diagnosis, that our inability to take action is because of some character defect or innate laziness, or that we’re “not enough” when… for heavens sake! …what does that even mean?!?

Look, there’s a lot going on in the world, and in our individual worlds. Maybe Sunday isn’t a great day for you, and by Monday so many other things will have piled up that you won’t even get to a replay. I hear ya. I feel ya. No judgment from me.

Yet if you’ve read this far, I hope you’re starting to loosen up about some of the ways you’ve been so hard on yourself. Maybe, just maybe, your questions will evolve more from “Why am I so ____?!?” to “How might I…?”

If you do have the YES, Cathy and I really do invite you to join us Sunday for the workshop… gliding scale.

:point_right: See the replay below

What If I Am Not As ___ As I Thought? (Bad/Lazy/Selfish/Unwanted…) – Session Recording

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What If I Am Not As ___ As I Thought? (Bad/Lazy/Selfish/Unwanted…)
[00:00:00] All right. What if I’m not as lazy, bad, horrible, good, and not good enough displeasing to people I want to be with, as I thought, Cathy, I love this topic because I think for so many of us, we’re swimming in this belief system that we acquired when we were very, very young and families passed down this dynamic from generation to generation and we are often assigned it just because we have a quirk that reminds them of mindness of gradient, Martha, or Susie.
[00:00:41] I, they decide subconsciously that we are this kind of a person and families tend to get an agreement about these things. So as a family, I might say to Jody, Hey, Jody, look at Rick, he’s doing that thing again. Don’t you agree? He’s like this. And there’s a lot of evidence. Lot of people pushing on us telling us that we or something.
[00:01:04] And then we grew up thinking that, and we internalize that voice and it becomes the truth about ourselves. And I love Rick is so amazing allowing most emotional freedom and helping people find these subconscious blocks and unwinding them. And I want that freedom. When we were a few minutes ago, people have been sharing some of their blocks and their beliefs and the unlovable, the undesirable keeps coming up for me is like something that really works it’s meets with me.
[00:01:29] There’s part of me that believes that’s very truly, and every time I get close to someone that comes up and I don’t want to carry that, I want to be able to just be me with other people. So I’m Kathy virtually from the intimacy dojo, and I’m here with Rick Wilkes from thriving now. And we’re so honored that you’re here diving into this really tough topic.
[00:01:52] Remember the first time that I read about identity, um, identity, something that we build up, but it’s often not something that we are aware of consciously. And I remember like filling in a blank. I am what, and as I started listing the things that I had, I was holding as part of my identity. I am
[00:02:25] lazy, or I am weak for me. By the time I had finished with getting to 16, 17 years old, I held in my identity. I am weak, skinny. Um,
[00:02:43] It stayed with me for 15 years. Like I became a man and my body image because of that identity of being a weak person. And I, I was skinny as a rail and compared to a lot of the other men, I wasn’t, I didn’t beef out in my teenage years, but it stayed with me and these identities, they they’re held in a particular place.
[00:03:14] I’m going to have Kathy talk about that, but they’re held in a part of our, our being that impacts how we interact, how we carry ourselves, what we expect from others. So if I hold, um, by hold this, oh, I am undesirable. And it’s. Eight nine or 10. And as a coach, I will often ask people to say out loud. And if you’re in a place where you can do that, if you’ve chosen your, you know, what’s your blank.
[00:03:52] What if I’m not as undesirable? As I thought, if you say I am undesirable or undesirable to men or undesirable to women or undesirable as a friend or whatever, you’re feeling undesirable as, and check in about how true that feels. Now you may know something about that. It’s not totally true, but when I coach someone and they say it’s an eight, nine or 10, what I can tell you from experience is that if you meet someone who contradicts that part of your identity, you will respond differently.
[00:04:37] There’ll be less trust. There’ll be more of a flinch. There’ll be like, wait a minute. What’s wrong with you? Um, and this is, we’re just talking about undesirability. If I hold in this, uh, unworthy. When you’re negotiating for how much you’re paid when you’re, when you’re feeling like you want to do something that matters to you, it will change the way that you respond at the, would you help us understand like a little bit of geekiness about how that works inside of us?
[00:05:16] Yeah. And I love to give you the intellectual framework because it lets you capture these things better and we’ll let your, your cognitive, your prefrontal cortex kind of get in there and help. Because a lot of the times these beliefs are carried. Um, uh, seagull, uh, carries, does this with the brain, which I really like he says, this is the limbic system and that the, the old part of our brain, and this is the prefrontal cortex.
[00:05:39] And this is how it’s wrapped in our head. So we have this prefrontal cortex going over, but most of us store all this stuff, our identity beliefs in our limbic system, where it runs in our subconscious and it just hijack. It becomes a non truth. And when we give you a little bit of the context you have this, the prefrontal cortex can go in and go, oh, maybe not.
[00:06:00] Let me help you. Let’s let’s re-examine that because it’s be really sad if an experience, when you were a little or many experiences, when you were a little control you now, and for an example, just to give you an example, I always worried I wasn’t pretty or attractive. And I remember going to my mother at 10 and I said, mom, and my pretty.
[00:06:20] And she said, well, Easter smart. And I carried of that. Um, but to my, you know, my, my kid brain was like, oh my God, I’m not pretty. My mother won’t even tell me, like, she wouldn’t even lie to me. And Sarah say that I’m sorta pretty. So now when someone approaches me, I’ve been on OkCupid for a long time dating.
[00:06:42] If someone approaches me and says, wow, you’re really pretty, or you’re beautiful. I don’t answer that. I think they are smooshy and lying to me. And they’re immediately eliminated, which some people may think that I’m pretty Sundays like different people have different tastes. So maybe they did think I was pretty, or maybe they were trying to break the ice, but we do limit ourselves so much by that, by those early beliefs.
[00:07:10] And so our subs are the limbic system include that this old part of our brain includes something that’s called the reticular activating system. And you don’t have to remember that, but you can just remember there’s a filter in your brain that is going to look for evidence that what you believe is true.
[00:07:27] So I use the example cause it’s, doesn’t usually have any political or anything. If I convince you all that there are many more red cars on the road than any other car. If you really believe that you will notice all the red cars and your brain will be like, oh yes, of course. How did I not notice this before there are many more cars?
[00:07:46] Have you ever noticed, like when you’re going to purchase something all the time, like you’re thinking about buying something, you’ll start seeing ads for it everywhere your reticular activating system is going, Hey, we’re interested in that. And it formed back in a time when we have a lot of information coming in.
[00:08:02] We know we have to avoid snakes. So there’s a filter on our reticular activating system that says a long stick, like things are scary. So how many of you jumped out of a stick in the road? Like you’re walking in the path and there was a stick and you jumped. Yeah, I’ve done that reticular activating system.
[00:08:19] Um, or if you were looking for bloop, you know, is very seasoned and you’re looking for berries, your eyes would fit. The filter is there. So you’re not trying to, you’re not being overwhelmed with information. The is actually good. However, our families are often not very awoke, not very conscious. And there’s something called triangulation, which I think is really important to understand that most families do most families pick someone that is bad, either bad overall or bad at certain things.
[00:08:51] So the family can displace their discomfort onto that person. So in my family, I was the black sheep. I was the bad. If something happened bad, it was my fault. Um, and this allowed my mom and my sister to be artificially close because they could make it ignore any issues or between them. And they could say, oh, look, Kathy did that bad thing again.
[00:09:13] We’re going to agree together. And it lets them be artificially close that lets them displace their bad feelings onto someone else. And it may not be a universal thing. It may be certain aspects of people are displaced that way, but it happens in many, many families that are not conscious. So, if you got some of this displaced on you, it could be good, or it could be bad often it’s bad, but it could be some like you’re really generous, you know, or something.
[00:09:39] And you’re kind of stuck with that. And we’ll talk about that a little more in a minute, but because there’s this pattern so many families, a lot of us were painted with things that don’t actually apply to us or may not apply all the time. I am lazy some days yesterday. I did almost nothing. I enjoyed it very much the week before I was not lazy.
[00:10:00] I worked my butt off. What if I get to be what I am in the moment I get to be lazy or not lazy or somewhere in between, I get to be smart today. And I have days when I, my brain just, I have bad brain cell days or my brain cells are just like, no, we’re offline. What if we get to be in the moment what we are without having to have this locked in cemented identity that keeps us from being who we are.
[00:10:26] And I really want that freedom for. Okay. So we’ve just, just to bring us some context. We come together today as a, a circle in the community and we’re looking at things that can feel tightly held and we’re bringing just a little bit of openness. And I, we’ve definitely seen that when someone shifts from a town, like I am
[00:11:00] needy. So if you say, if you say that out loud, I am needy. And even if you don’t think it applies, I invite you to try it on because sometimes they’re hidden or you’d be like, oh, not needy something, but something right close. So I am needy zero to 10. How true does that feel for you? I am needy.
[00:11:31] Now for me, it’s a four, there are times in my life where it would have been a nine. Let me tell you if you’d met Rick at nine, I, I had the same kind of needs, but because I was carrying this identity of being needy, I didn’t ask for them to be met. I didn’t ask for a hug or closeness, why I was needy.
[00:12:01] That’s not a good thing. It wasn’t in my family. And so like, if it’s an eight, nine or 10 for you, we just want to pause for a moment and feel into how might that truth at a four at a nine. How might it be impacting. Ask for things that a good, healthy human being would want. Closeness connection, uh, food, safety, respect, um,
[00:12:46] and what we’re going to do. We’re going to use this one as an example, but you can now, if you want switch to whatever it is that you have in your, your label there, your blank and, and check in with yourself like, oh, I am that thing and it can be a positive, it can be a negative, like generous is. Is the one I’m working on.
[00:13:13] I am generous. It feels like an unhealthy nine. Like it’s much a trap is a negative. Selfish is, is a trap because now anything I asked for myself, it falls in that, but you are generous. That becomes almost like a whip that someone can use against you. Like, oh, you’re such a generous person. I know you won’t mind if I borrow your car and you kind of like, if you’ve internalized it all of a sudden, no becomes very hard to say, like, you don’t have freedom anymore than the person who is selfish.
[00:13:44] Even though it can be kind of an accolade in our society. Okay. We use EFT tapping, um, if you’re not familiar with it and this you’d found our video, our community, uh, welcome. Uh, we have a free manual@bribingnow.com slash tapping. We’re not going to be teaching tapping, but you can probably by following, along with what we say, get pretty darn close and notice some shifts.
[00:14:09] If you’re watching a video, I invite you to pause and take a look at that. And is it, I put the links in the chat and also there’s one for the grounding exercises. This can bring up a lot for people. So if you need some support, those, a good place to get a little bit of, like, how do I get myself out of this activated system?
[00:14:29] Do you think we’re ready to do some tapping. Yeah, we’ll use that as an example. And one of the cool things is that, um, we know that tapping, even though we’re going to be using words related to needy, your conscious and subconscious will tie this together often. And to the part of it that you’re focusing on.
[00:14:48] So you can change the words that fit you, or you can tap along with us with the words that we’re going to use. Okay. So do we just pause for a moment, feel our body so much of computers and things are right up here. Um, if you can feel your feet, but takes your, your nervous system’s awareness, all the way to the distant spiral arm of your galaxy spiral legs.
[00:15:21] And I invite you to also let gravity do a little more of the work. So we hold ourselves up by letting gravity, let us sink into the chair a bit, let our jaw hang just a little bit more. Maybe allow our shoulders to float more than being held up against gravity. We just let more of them float. And that’s a good place because tapping is a whole body experience.
[00:15:56] We’re really trying to reach the primitive brain and other parts of us in our core essence, our core, um, our, our core identity extends our entire body, not just in the limbic system. That’s where it’s a lot of us center is, but it’s extends everywhere. Okay. Can we start at the side of the hand, also referred to the co karate chop point.
[00:16:26] Even though they convinced me I was needy, even though they convince me I was needing. And that was not a good thing. It was not a good thing. And I’ve kept this with me for a long time. Okay. I have kept this with me for a very long time. What if I am not as needy as I fought? What if I’m not as needy? As I thought, even though I’m convinced, even though I’m convinced I needy, I have needs, I have needs, and they’ve been too much for too many people would have been too much for too many people.
[00:17:07] What if I’m not as needy as I thought? Well, if I’m not as needy as I thought. My God, the top of the head, I am needy. I am needy eyebrow. That has not felt good. Felt good. Or the eye I am too needy. I am too needy to be. I’d just ask them, just ask them, just ask that part of my brain. Just ask that part of my brain.
[00:17:38] Then I am too needy. I am too needy. Aren’t I too needy, too needy. I’ve been so convinced on too needy. I’ve been so convinced I’m too needy, but what if I’m not as needy as I fought? What if I’m not as needy as I thought, take a deep breath.
[00:18:05] And in the, in the pause after tapping, there’s an opportunity. What’s a need that you have, but maybe some people just don’t have, have criticized you for.
[00:18:28] And I’d like you to really consider is, is that too much for everyone? So like, I, I used to need to be close. I had needed, I needed someone to sit next to me or hug or cuddle. I’ve needed that since I was a baby babies need a four year olds Nita or a hundred year olds Nita. If you’re the type of person that has that need for closeness and not everyone does.
[00:19:09] And this was a doorway that I used was like, oh, actually, a need for connection. And closeness is a really healthy human needs. A lot of people we work with, we have to help them reopen to that. So the fact that you were open to that is beautiful. Uh, you look at people in close-knit. Um, well well-functioning tribes when they’re cooking dinner, there’s almost always physical contact kids.
[00:19:42] The, the women, the man, um, there’s physical contact, you take Westerners and you put them around a circle and not just during COVID six feet apart. Like we, we, it, wasn’t a big deal for us, for many people. So now with that need, whatever it is, The points as you think about, well, what if that’s not as me be, you know, if you, like, if you like this idea, like, how were you told who you’re just too needy?
[00:20:23] What if, if that’s not actually that needy, what if that’s not actually that needy? I do need that. I do need that thrive to thrive. No, no, it’s not. I want to thrive. I want to thrive.
[00:20:48] Really blamed me. They really blamed me. They made me feel horrible for having this need. They made me feel horrible for having this need. You are, what if I’m not as needy as I thought, what if I’m not as needy? As I thought
[00:21:13] they mocked me, they mocked me eyebrow. They criticize me, they criticize me. They hurt me. They hurt me under the eye. They deprived to me. They deprived me under the nose. They’re the needy ones. They’re the needy ones. They needed me to be someone different. They needed me to be someone different. I do have needs, I do have needs and that’s okay.
[00:21:40] That’s okay. All the best people have needs.
[00:21:52] I think it’s true that sometimes we have needs that are not a good fit for our mother or father or our caregivers at the time they might be exhausted. They may have shame around a certain need or maybe they just, it isn’t a good fit because I have friends that are really glad to listen to me talk when I’m upset, but there’s also, I have friends that have no patience for it whatsoever.
[00:22:13] And there’s little kids. We didn’t have the option of saying, okay, well, these parents are really overwhelmed. I’m going to go to the neighbors like about whatever worked. We were stuck with the depth they had and if our need was deeper than the well, they had, we were going to be defined as needy because they didn’t know how to give it.
[00:22:33] And there was probably some shame in not meeting their kids’ needs or some frustration. Um, so I’d like I noticed when we were tapping on the needy, I certainly have fears around that. Um, I had the self-blame. I think we’re taught to be internalize this blame. These other people have, and it’s hard to let it go because it actually helped us.
[00:22:55] At some point to internalize this, we were in this family were stuck in this family and internalizing and owning. This kept us safe in a way, and let us identify and fit in a family where we might’ve been the square peg in the round hole. So can we just do a little tapping on that Rick karate chop, even though I blamed myself for being needy, even though I blame myself for being neat and I feel mad at the thought of letting go of that identity, I feel mad at the thought of letting go of that identity and a little scared and a little scared and really sad.
[00:23:33] I’m really sad. Maybe it’s okay to loosen my hold on this identity. Maybe it’s okay to loosen my hold on this identity. They called me, they called me needy and I internalize that. And I internalize that maybe that was really smart back then maybe that was really smart. Back then, top of the head, I blame myself for being needy.
[00:24:01] I blame myself for being needy. I brought, and I don’t want to let this go. And I don’t want to let this go side of the eye. It’s kind of uncomfortably comfortable, really
[00:24:19] hard to let go under the eye. And I’m not sure how I interact with them. If I let go of this identity, I don’t know how I interact with them. If I let go of this identity, I don’t even know how I interact with anybody. If I let go of this identity. Yeah, how do I interact with anyone? If I let go of this identity, Tim, it’s been my default filter for a lot of years.
[00:24:43] It’s been one of my default filters for a lot of years collarbone, and it was really smart to have this identity back then. And it was really smart to have this identity back then. I’m there. I was really clever. I was released survival credit, survival, clever top of the head. And maybe I can adopt more flexibility now and maybe I can adopt more flexibility.
[00:25:12] Now let’s take a nice gentle breath. And if you can just appreciate that your system did the best it could in a situation where you didn’t have a lot of options. So you were really like, you probably didn’t have an option back then. Like to fit in and survive. So it’s okay to like, well, I don’t have to blame myself so much.
[00:25:34] Maybe I was doing a good thing back then, and now maybe I don’t have to hold on so tight. So just to kind of complete the picture, not complete, but I bring another aspect. So if I ask someone, you know, um, uh, say I am needy and they say zero, what would it mean if you ran across someone? And they say, if you said I am needy and they said zero, how would that feel?
[00:26:05] Not needy at all. Like, there’s no part of them in their core essence that holds any. Needs now this isn’t an exact science we’re talking about, you know, energy and how we interpret energy and situations and are a lot of other things. But sometimes we can adopt like, okay, I’m not going to be needy. Cause that feels horrible.
[00:26:37] I am going to be independent. I am. And so I like to do just a little tapping on what if I’m not as independent as I thought, because I believe that emotional freedom as Kathy, so articulated some days sometimes will feel like, oh, that luscious laziness. Right. But if it’s carried in our identity as a negative, then we’ll avoid that.
[00:27:10] We won’t have self care. That is luscious laziness, never, ever, ever, but by the same token, though, you could have, that could be so grotesque to you that you go to the other extreme. The primitive brain is black and white. In that sense it can go to, I must never ever be lazy. I must never ever be needy. I must never ever.
[00:27:36] So we’re, we’re playing with the energies here of the poles so that we can find more dynamic flexibility. Okay.
[00:27:48] Even though I didn’t want to be needy, even though I didn’t want to be needy. They called me needy. They called me Nini. So repulsive, repulsive, I ran in the other direction. I ran in the other direction. I have no needs. I have no needs. Hmm. I take care of myself and everyone else. I take care of myself. Top of that.
[00:28:15] I take care of myself and everyone else. I take care of myself and everyone else. I have no needs. I have no needs. I am not a needy person. I am not a meeting person. I am so proud of myself. I was so proud of myself. I do not have needs. I do not have needs. Oh. But a part of me says I do. He says, I do. Hold on.
[00:28:44] It’s so hard. Not to have any needs. It’s so hard not to have any needs in the arm. It’s so inhumane to not have any needs whatsoever. Yes. So inhumane did not have any needs whatsoever. I wonder if there’s a sweet spot here. I wonder if there’s a sweet spot here. Maybe I’m not as independent,
[00:29:13] independent.
[00:29:19] That was the polarity for me. Like there was an inner, like every time I denied my needs, the needs became higher and my need to be independent and not rely on anyone else got higher. So the polls pull apart, even within the same person, we can be in denial of a part of us, but this movement, a dynamic multi-dimensional movement of I’m human.
[00:29:48] I have needs, and I have the capacity to be independent. I can wipe my own butt today and, um, I can even. Change a diaper. If that’s what I’m called upon, I’ve got some resource. So thriving to me says that neediness and independence, there’s a place where you feel yourself, you feel resourced, you can have these things.
[00:30:16] Well, I think it’s also, I love the idea of a living meditation. Where am I today? So I’m, I’m 53 right now. Um, you know, I know as I get older, probably I’ll need some more help as they get there, but I’ve also been really sick where I needed someone to help me a lot. And on a given day, I think what if we are allowed to fluctuate.
[00:30:37] Like when I was sick, I want someone to bring me chicken noodle soup and say, they’re there. I know you don’t feel well. And then there’s other days where I can take on the world. Oh, you have to let me go find the chicken and make you soup. So what if we can just be in like, almost living meditation and say, where am I right now?
[00:30:53] How about now? What do I need now? How do I want to express myself now? And I think that’s, it’s challenging to do that, but when I can do that, life’s really fun. Um, and I get to have the full range of my expression rather than me locked in. And one of the ones I wanted to do a little tapping on someone was saying, I craved safe.
[00:31:15] And I think one of the things, one of the beliefs that I hold and I’ve been doing a lot of reading and studying on trauma, always, cause it’s something that fascinates me, but they’re talking about how the limbic system, again, we’re talking about the lower part of our brain, the older part of our brain, because it’s geared to look for danger.
[00:31:32] It tends to think we’re less safe than we are. And when we have a good nervous system or our nervous system is healthy, the prefrontal cortex is able to go there. There it’s actually not so dangerous, but for many of us we’ve been raised where. This part of our system is also aware there’s a lot of danger, so it’s like danger, danger.
[00:31:52] And what if I am safer than I thought, what if I’m not as unsafe as I thought? And I just love to do a little bit of tapping on that because for many of us, we carry the sense of vulnerability and being not understood that from childhood is very powerful. Some of us have had blessings of having a parent that really got us or a safe environment.
[00:32:16] A lot of us didn’t, we weren’t seen, we weren’t, we were kind of, our family was in rigid or toxic, and we had to struggle with that. And we carry that forward when we might be much safer now. So credit chop, what if I’m not as unsafe as I thought, what if I’m not as unsafe as I thought I can’t possibly consider that doesn’t feel safe to consider that I need to hold onto this fear.
[00:32:47] I need to hold on to this fear. It served me really well back then. It served me really well back then. But what if I’m not as unsafe as I thought, but what if I’m not as unsafe as I fought? Part of me likes that idea a lot,
[00:33:08] relaxes a lot. And part of me feels really nervous. And part of me does feel really nervous of that. I really want to feel safe. I really want to feel safe. I crave feeling safe. I crave feeling safe. And part of me believes I’m very unsafe. Kind of part of me believes I’m really unsafe under the eye. It’s hard to relax when that part of my brain is active.
[00:33:38] It is hard to relax when that part of my brain is hyperactive. Under the nose. Hey, limbic system. Hey, limbic system. Thank you for watching out for me. Thank you for watching out for me. You’ve been on hyper alert for decades. You’ve been on hyper alert for decades under the, and that’s a lot of work top of head.
[00:34:05] Thank you for watching out for me. Thank you for watching out for me, eyebrow. You got programmed when I was really good. So you got programmed when I was little and eons ago, side of the eye. What if we can upgrade the software a little bit? What if we could upgrade the software a little bit? One of the I, and maybe even some of the hardware, maybe even some of the hardware.
[00:34:28] Hmm. And then what if things are very different now? What if things are very different now? 10? What if I’m not as unsafe as I thought. What have I, not as unsafe as I had thought. Hollowell and what if I can relax just a little bit more? What if I can relax just a little bit more and reevaluate the threat that might exist right here and now, and where you evaluate the threat that might exist right here.
[00:34:59] Right now, I’m actually safer than I thought. What if I’m actually safer than I thought deep breath,
[00:35:11] and this may bring up a lot for you or may not bring up that much, but we’re just dropping some ideas in there and your brain can chew on them. And if it comes up with stuff, that’s great. We’re going to take volunteers and just to cut just a couple of minutes, um, Oh, the authority figure, too. If we can talk to them, I’d love to tap on that.
[00:35:31] But, um, if you’re noticing things percolating, even over the next couple of days, I love to leave a notebook pad and pen by my bed. Cause sometimes when I’m just drifting off to sleep or I’m just waking up or in the middle of the night, I’ll have a . And again, a lot of this is very slippery. Our subconscious tough one coats it’s all squared away and it doesn’t have to deal with it.
[00:35:51] Um, because if you can’t grab it, you can’t change it. And your subconscious thinks it’s doing the right thing. If you can jot it down so that someplace you can read it and do a little tapping on it. Even shifting that trajectory a little bit can be a really powerful when we’re not flooded with stress chemicals all the time, our body gets to heal.
[00:36:12] Our system gets to relax. Our neural pathways get to change. I’m feeling drawn to do that. They told me I was already. Yeah. Yeah. Would you like to,
[00:36:31] it can be uncomfortable. So do this, if it feels like a yes to you, if this label, this part of your identity came from people in authority and when you’re small, anyone bigger is authority. Um, I can come from a boss. Sometimes we give lovers authority over our identity, you know? Um,
[00:37:05] yeah. If you can hear or see their face, it may, when we do that, it usually activates our body more. We do that. Because that’s when that part of us is activated, the tapping on the comfort points can be more effective. Okay. So as you, as you tune into them, their face, their words, you’re noticing zero to 10, like how intense it feels to you.
[00:37:43] You might close your eyes and tap, stop the points for a moment. Sometimes we don’t have the words. So we’ll do that first
[00:38:00] and notice what’s happening in your body. I noticed my jaws are tightening up. My, my toes are wanting to curl a little bit. So just notice your body, if you can, while you’re imagining this person in front of you. Okay. And sometimes it can now help to just freeze them, like the pause button on them and imagine Cathy and I with you, both of us, even though they told me that, even though they told me that they are so sure that they’re, they’re so short, are they right?
[00:38:36] Just ask them what if they’re not? What if they’re not? Oh, I couldn’t question them back then. I couldn’t question the Mac then eyebrow. If they said I wasn’t worth doing that for if they said I wasn’t worth doing that for the eye. I couldn’t question. I couldn’t question that. I couldn’t question my unworthiness.
[00:39:01] I couldn’t question my unworthiness. I couldn’t question any of that. They couldn’t question any of that. If they said I was needy, if they said I was needy, hold on. I had to look like I got the message. I had to look like, oh, I had to look like they got the message or else
[00:39:21] I’m sick and fucking tired. I’m sick and fucking tired of it. But they told me, they told me I’m there always. Right. They’re always right. It must be the truth. Yeah. Must be the truth. It must be the truth. The ID seems so certain. He seems so certain the guide, they were so repetitive. They were so impeditive.
[00:39:47] No, it was, they told me over and over in so many ways, they told me over and over in so many ways. Yeah, and I really want them as the experts on who I know. I really want them as the experts. They knew me so well, so I haven’t changed it off since then. I haven’t changed it all since then. Oh, I totally should leave them as the experts on who I am.
[00:40:18] I should totally leave them as the experts and see maybe not, or maybe not notice throw in some humor, some ridiculousness and some reality. Cause our primitive brain takes authority as authority as the author of who we are, what we can do, what we’re capable of, what we’re incapable of authority over us.
[00:40:45] Our primitive brain understands authority over us. If the king says, you’re the gesture, when you come to the adjuster, right? It, it, if you’re the smart one, not the pretty one, then you’ll focus on the smarts and your energy. When you’re feeling pretty. And someone recognizes that you’ll be like, oops, and your energy will go.
[00:41:10] I see this with people, you know, they, when you’re called something that doesn’t fit something that you embrace as part of your energy and your, your own innate beauty as a human being, then. That part of your system will say, oh, and it will it’ll turn off the light. It’ll it’ll do things like that. Not always.
[00:41:38] And I believe that for many of our clients who’ve done so much personal work that right now, what we’re doing is getting in there with these sticky, icky, gross, sick. And I do use F bombs on occasion, very mindfully. I think if there’s any place where you’re sick and fucking tired of something, it’s where someone else who knew you as a child and didn’t even really know you and didn’t know what mattered to your heart and acknowledge, or have the resource or the mental health to be able to be a good parent, a good teacher, a good lover, a good friend, and our good friends.
[00:42:18] And they laid something on you. And for some reason, it went in through that authority channel, like, oh, this person. And it gets stuck and this is why this, huh? I wonder if I’m not as undesirable as I always thought. Huh. That’d be interesting. And when you, when you add some curiosity and wonder to this process, like, huh, I wonder not forcing it.
[00:42:48] Just like, I wonder, I wonder, I’m curious. I’ve a part of me is a little curious. Maybe, maybe I’m not as ugly as they called me. Right. And, um, that’s when your system, I believe also has memories that it’s filtered out that also can start seeping in, like, you know, my friend, I had a friend and they looked at me in a way that I would look at a pretty person.
[00:43:27] Oh, interesting. Huh? And that’s where you can start feeling the grip loosening in your core. You might feel a little more. Yeah. And I really love if you have some of these, you remember how old you were when you had the belief instilled. I love pulling up old photos of yourself if you have them, because it’s really easy.
[00:43:54] We, our brains always feel like they’re very wise and they have lots of experience because it’s the most experience we’ve ever had in our life whenever we have it. But I look back at little picture pictures of me when I was 10. And I was like, this was just a little kid. And actually it was, she was kind of adorable.
[00:44:09] And so the prettiness I’m like, wow, mom, why couldn’t you see, I was pretty, or at least say, you know, you have lovely hair, something like that. Yeah. Looking back at those photos may give you a lot more empathy and connection to that little beam that was taking on these, not this, this like identity that was being thrown at them by people around them.
[00:44:27] So I really love doing that. We’re coming close to our, our seven minute break. Is there something that you’d like to tune us to for our, our time of quiet and taking, taking care of ourselves? I’d just like to do a little bit of tapping, allowing our system to consider anything so that we can take that into the break.
[00:44:50] Um, so if you’d like to tap along nice deep breath, karate chop, even though I’ve lived with this identity for a very long time, even though I’ve lived with this identity for a very long time, and I feel really attached to it, pardon me, it feels really attached to it. I kind of built myself around it. And I kind of built myself around it.
[00:45:16] They can plant on a trellis, like a plant on a trellis. What if I could find new ways of being, what if I could find new ways of being, what if I could consider different information? What if I could consider different information now and allow memories of different experiences and allow memories of different experiences top of the head?
[00:45:42] I don’t have to rip the chilis out. I don’t have to rip the trellis out around, but I may not have to clean to it so tightly, maybe I don’t have to cling to it. So tightly side of the eye, what if I have chances to grow in different directions? What if I have chances to grow in different directions under the eye?
[00:46:03] Who do I want me to be? Who do I want me to be under the nose? Am I allowed to vary day by day, moment by moment, I want to be allowed to vary from day to day, moment to moment Shan. What if I can follow my son, follow my phone collarbone and not cling to this old rusty trellis. It was not clinging to this old rusty Charles under the arm that someone else put here for me.
[00:46:35] If someone else would hear it from me, I’m really curious who I might turn out to be. Hmm. I’m really curious who I already am. Nice. Just take a nice deep breath and we’re going to go into the break, but one of the reasons this, I think this break is so important. You can get a chance to take care of your body, which helps your.
[00:46:59] I think camp is very good nourishing, helping our body realize that we’re taking care of it, that it’s healing, but also we’re still in this container. We’re still in the safe container that we all built. So you can kind of step away, but you can come back, I’ll be monitoring the chat. And this is a great time to journal.
[00:47:16] If something’s coming to you or share in the chat, let stuff kind of percolate and come up while you have a little bit of this quiet time, because sometimes the greatest epiphany’s will come. When you just have a little bit of space inside the container to like, just let things like seep in from other world tapping we’ve done.
[00:47:34] So I really encourage you to, if that feels right to you, jot some things down because again, they’re Teflon, they’ll slip away. If you don’t great. If you don’t put them in physical. Okay. So we’re going to pause the recording and if you’re listening to the, um, the replay Vite you to pause, now take this seven minutes for yourself too.
[00:47:59] Welcome back. We’re going to open up the circle for volunteers. Um, if you have already read the consent to record, then you’re welcome to, um, to raise your hand. If you’ve not read that you can quickly jump to email and check that out, but we do record the call and you don’t have to have your video on. Um, but I wanted just to be clear that, um, the video is going to be made available to the community, including our community out on, um, various social media sites.
[00:48:40] So keep that in CA uh, in account, uh, we’re still going to be monitoring the chat and, and as you see, we’ve been interweaving that into the tapping. Yeah. And if you have stuff coming up that you’re not ready to deal with on video, like you don’t want it to be shown to other people. Rick has thriving now circle thriving now.com forward slash circle, and a large number of those calls are not recorded.
[00:49:04] So you can bring that. You can bring anything to those calls. They’re amazing. I was an active member for like 13 years or 12 years or something like that. And so, um, you can dive into that if you want, you can raise your hand under, um, on computers. It’s under reactions, you’ll see a bunch of emojis. Um, but down at the very bottom is raise hand.
[00:49:26] Uh, if you’re on a computer and you don’t see that, um, you may have an old version of zoom in which case click participants might be found there. Um, if you’re on a, uh, a pad or a phone, it’s usually under dot, dot dot that you can do that. And it’s really okay. Uh, we’ve got plenty that you’ve been giving us.
[00:49:50] Um, we’re going to watch the, the, uh, the list of the, anyway, if anyone raises their hands, we’ve got people from around the world, joining us now, and others that’ll be on the replay. Um, I appreciate you being here, Cathy, so that we can engage with these energies and allow people like things around identity are a big deal and it takes a while to feel like you can be in community and have that, uh, out there.
[00:50:20] So that’s one of the things I love about tapping is that it’s a wonderful group activity. It’s been shown to be even more effective in groups. Um, over the 20 plus years that we’ve been doing this, uh, not just, uh, you know, group tapping there’s, um, there’s a power. And hearing and recognizing what’s true for someone else, as you, as you look at the list, Kathy, of the things that people have shared, um, is there one of those qualities we talked about lazy and bad and, um, But, um, I’m noticing some of the unlovable unwanted, they have a different feel.
[00:51:00] Yeah. Undesirable. Yeah. That has a different place in our identity. Isn’t that it’s like, it, it, it takes us from being a human, to being lower status. It’s, it’s a, it’s a drop in our primitive brain that says you are no status. You are low status. And our primitive brain understands the caste system, whether it’s the legal law of the land, it exists in corporations.
[00:51:29] It exists in, uh, junior high school playgrounds. It exists in a lot of places where people are, are jostling for authority and those things can get really impactful for us. Um, is, would you like be willing to, um, To lead us in one of the undesirable, unlovable, unwanted, how many hands raised right now. So, um, feel free to raise your hand, but yeah, just to kind of give context, I always was, I, I didn’t think I was very lovable.
[00:52:02] And so as I was making friends, even if they were trying to meet me as equal, I would start doing things to try to earn that love or earn their attention. And that wasn’t, it wasn’t always, it wasn’t always a generous thing. It was like, I have felt like I had to do things for them to be willing to put up with me, which really kind of skewed my relationships.
[00:52:21] It made me, it made it very hard to have equal relationships when I was constantly like, no, no, no, I have to earn your friendship. I have to. And that got in the way a lot. So I think just allowing. A little allowing a little shift around that is very powerful, but it does desirability or lovability that can often go very, very deep into our bead.
[00:52:42] So be gentle with yourself as you tap on this, I invite you to just then some of the, like the evidence that builds up, like when we, as soon as this is implanted, it starts attracting lots of evidence. Um, yeah, go ahead. And just, I, I taught people not to value. Like my behavior, because I would like, oh, let me give, let me buy lunch.
[00:53:07] Let me do this for you. Like it taught people that I don’t value myself. I wasn’t taking care of myself. I was trying to take care of them so that I would have a friendship. And so that gave me even more evidence that I wasn’t desirable. So Pratty chop, even though part of my identity is that I’m not very desirable, even though part of my identity is that I’m not very desirable and that’s really hard to carry around.
[00:53:34] And that is really hard to carry around. I’m wondering if there’s any way I can shift this. I’m wondering if there’s any way I can shift this, even though this belief is so heavy in my body, even though disbelief is so heavy in my body and my poor survival rate is always scared because. My poor survival brain is always scared because of it.
[00:53:59] I really like to find a way to see myself as lovable and design. I’d really love to find a way to see myself as lovable and desirable. Oh, maybe not. Maybe not. I mean, what if that scary? What if, what if that is scary side of the eye? What if, I don’t know how to deal with people wanting me? What if, I don’t know how to deal with people wanting me under the eye.
[00:54:26] It feels safer to not be lovable. It feels safer to not be lovable. I’m so familiar under the nose. It’s very familiar. It’s so familiar, but it’s also so lovely. It’s also so lonely about what if I can be desirable and lovable to people that are good fits. What if I can be lovable and desirable to people that are good fit?
[00:54:51] Not to everyone. Yeah, definitely not for everyone that doesn’t feel good either. That doesn’t feel good either. I wrote, what if I can just be me, if I can just be me side of the eye and allow some people to select in his, liking me and allow some people to select in as actually liking me under the eye.
[00:55:14] And some of them may even love and desire me
[00:55:20] under the nose. And if it’s mutual, I can engage. And if it’s mutual, I can engage. That feels a little better than a black or white desirable or undesired. It feels better than a black and white yeah. Collarbone. What if I could just let myself be with individual people? What if I could let myself be with individual people under the eye and see if they like me or not?
[00:55:49] And see if we like each other or not top of the head, that’s a new experiment. I might try it. That’s a new experiment. I might try that. Let’s take a gentle breath
[00:56:03] and just realize we, all we need to do is let, if we have a vacuum sealed belief, if we can just let a little, it lit Erin light. It may not shift the whole thing all at once, but it allows new evidence to come in and it gives it a chance to reevaluate. It may not be that you have, I’ve had some five, five minute miracles where I was like, blown.
[00:56:23] My brain was blown up and I was like, oh, that was silly. I never should have believed that most of the time, U of T doesn’t do that. Most of the time, we’re letting in some new considerations, some new evidence. And allowing that to just start, huh? I wonder if I can shift this. I wonder if I have to carry this around, enjoyed to work with our volunteer.
[00:56:43] Yeah. Um, yes. And, uh, I think there was, was there another hand raised before that someone messaged private message me? Yeah. Maybe. I don’t know. Yeah. Caroline had her hand raised before, so can I do quick one with Caroline and you can do a quick, okay. So Caroline, I’m going to ask you to unmute. And Caroline had messaged earlier too.
[00:57:09] And I’m yeah, your name’s up there. So it’s okay. All right. Yeah. Hi Caroline. What you just did that exercise is so me, so I have done a lot of work with you when some other mechanisms and I was feeling really good. And then I was injured on the job and everything went back to where it was, so that the struggle of there’s some medical issues now and just not feeling well about who I am.
[00:57:36] Hmm. Yeah. And, and just, just to kind of normalize it for anyone, we can do a lot of work on ourselves and feel really good, and then something can happen and we kind of get reset and it can feel like, oh my God, I’m back at square one. It’s not really true. But the brain can feel like, oh my God, like, like all this stuff comes up again.
[00:57:55] So what are you feeling in your body as, as we’re doing these tasks? Um, frustration and wanting to get back to where I was. Okay. Okay. All right. And is there a particular belief, is there some thought in your head as, as you’re feeling this frustration and the wanting, um, not feeling worthy. Okay. Credit shop, even though part of me believes I’m not worthy, even though part of me believes I’m not worthy.
[00:58:21] Look how hard I worked. Look how hard I worked. And I came so far and I came so far and here I am back at square one. And here I am back at square one. Damn it. Damn it. No wonder. I feel so frustrated. No wonder. I feel so frustrated. No wonder. I worry that I’m not worthy. No wonder. I worry that I’m not worthy.
[00:58:45] How about that? That feels so heavy in my body. That feels so heavy in my body. I wrapped my poor brain is trying to figure out what happened. My poor brain is trying to figure out what happened. Side of the, I worked so very hard. I worked so very hard under the, I made some really good progress. I made some really good progress under the nose.
[00:59:08] I let myself feel proud of that. I let myself feel proud of that chin and then bam, I’m right back where I started. And then bam, I am right back where I started. How about maybe I’m not quite where I started, but maybe I’m not quite back where I started under the arm. I had the experience of healing. I have had the experience of healing top of the head.
[00:59:31] I had good muscles for that. Now I have good muscles for that. Now I wrote and I have EFT and I have EMT side of the eye in a circle I can work with in a circle I can work with under the I maybe I’m not back right at the beginning. Maybe I’m not back right at the beginning under the nose. And I can feel this frustration.
[00:59:53] And I can feel this frustration and I can just let it burn in my chest. I can just let it burn in my chest hollobone and I can tap and heal and I can tap in heal under the outer part of me is burning to feel better. Part of me is burning to feel better how for the head, and maybe I can use that energy to help me get there.
[01:00:14] And maybe I can use that energy to help me get there. Take a gentle breath.
[01:00:22] What are you noticing? It’s not burning as hard. It’s not as present. Okay. And one of the things, yeah, great. A lot of times we have strong feelings. We want to get away from them, but if we can just feel them for a few minutes, often they change or dissipate and you have muscles to deal with that now that you probably didn’t several years.
[01:00:44] So if you can notice, yes, you have you roll back down the hill, but you’ve already got the muscles to get up the hill and you know, where the pitfalls are and how to ask for help. So I am, I really can relate to the frustration of, oh my God, I thought I’d done this already. What’s going on? And if you can just be gentle with yourself and realize that life sometimes puts us back, but the skills and all the strength that you’ve built, the courage that you’ve built up over time, that’s all there still you earn that and that they don’t get to take away from you.
[01:01:20] Yeah. Thank you so much for sharing that. I think it’s really great for people to know that they’re not alone when this happened. So, and I love the ruse is behind you. They’re gorgeous.
[01:01:40] There you go welcome. Hi. Um, so I’m, I’m grateful that, uh, I get to be, uh, picked on him. Uh, chosen, uh, picked on enough, even though I was picked off, you know, hand up right away and hog it. So I waited quite a while and I hope that, uh, other people are just not wanting to put, raise their hand right away, as opposed to wanting to, and not knowing where the button is.
[01:02:14] So anyway, I have found that one of my core issues is revolves around that my parents didn’t realize I was born blind and until I was three. So, um, I lost critical development, uh, from ages newborn to three. Um, and, and it makes my. My brain just doesn’t work normally. Um, and I, uh, some people think and have, you know, made fun of me like, uh, and even said that, you know, I’m retarded or whatever.
[01:02:53] Um, but, uh, it’s far from the case, but I can tell by the way my brain works and doesn’t work comparing to classmates growing up and all, um, that other people just, they think differently. And I think they can, like, their brain just works better, um, in certain ways. And so I just seem like a little slow or something.
[01:03:19] Um, and so I have been treated poorly throughout my life and made to feel, uh, inadequate, inferior. Um, but yet it’s quite the opposite in so many ways, but I still can’t seem to. Get through with that. And like I had said in the chat earlier, you know, I asked a lot of questions, um, because I also being mistreated felt that people were not safe.
[01:03:46] Um, so I kept them at distance, but then as a kind of a knee-jerk reaction to get close to people is ask a lot of questions to be part of things. Okay. Thank you. I heard you say, um, inadequate inferior. If you go back to like our focus, the focus, did you come with a focus for like, what if I’m not as blank as I fought?
[01:04:15] Is there a word you want to put in there for our tapping inadequate inferior? What if I’m not, not as well. I’d like to use one of the, is that like, what if I’m not as smart as I thought. Yeah. What if I’m not as smart as I think I am. Okay. Where would you like to land? Where would you like to? So, um, I’m hearing that you think that you’re really smart and that, that cry, that that may fit the category of, well, they told me I was inadequate and inferior.
[01:04:53] So I’ve gone to this place where I’m really holding onto, I am smart. And you might want to soften that as part of your identity, where would you like to land? Um, yeah. Interesting point is, um, I’m a problem solver for a living and I’m really good at it. Um, and I’m very attached to that. I am really good at this, but I don’t think I’m as great as I think I am and helped me like get off of my high horse and sort of be on a level playing field.
[01:05:30] Well you’re but you’re a problem solver and you’re good at it, right? Yeah. Okay. Let me, can I play with this all play with this one, right? Cause it goes to like, maybe there’s a part of your identity that you’ve been holding on to. That makes it feel like it’s sometimes hard to relate. Um, even though I’m a really good problem solver, or even though I’m a really good problem solver as a kid, they thought I was inferior as a kid, they thought I was inferior and my brain works differently.
[01:06:04] My brain works. I really liked being able to solve problems. I really love problem solving. I really love problem solving. It’s fun. And I loved the view from the high horse. I do enjoy that. You can see so much from the high school. I have built a very high horse top of the head and feeling so smart makes me also feel okay and feeling so smart also makes me feel separate.
[01:06:44] Yeah, eyebrow. I do have my smarts. I do have my smarts of the eye. My brain works differently. My brain works differently. It developed differently. It developed differently. I really liked being a problem solver. I really liked being a problem. And I don’t want to hold myself separate. I don’t want to hold myself separate about what if I am embraced how good I was.
[01:07:14] I am. What if I embrace that? Yeah. What if I really embraced how good I am at those? What if I really embraced how good I ended this up their head and also felt for where other people are really good at their thing and also felt for, uh, where other people are good at their thing. Yeah. Smart. It’s coming so many flavors, smarts covering so many flavors like ice cream.
[01:07:41] Yeah. Eyebrow. Cathy’s smart by the eye. Oh, there’s so many flavors, so many flavors under the eye and not everyone is problem solvers smart and not everyone is problem solvers. Under the nose and I deeply and completely accept them anyway. And I deeply and completely accept them. Anyway, even though they may feel inferior, even though they may feel inferior, even though they may feel inadequate, even though they may feel inadequate.
[01:08:20] Um, I’d like to embrace the tapestry of smarts. I’d like to embrace the tapestry of smarts and feel a part of it and feel part of it. How does that resonate in your energy? Yeah, that, that works good because I ended up being coming critical of not only myself and others. Um, and that if somebody doesn’t figure out something that I think is so simple, then I think they’re stupid.
[01:08:50] Um, and then I’m sinning and the, just the energy around it. Isn’t healthy.
[01:09:02] Even though I’ve called them stupid. Even though I called them stupid in my head and sometimes out loud. Well, my hand oftentimes out loud. Hmm. What if they’re not as stupid as I thought? What if they’re not as stupid as I thought I’m so good at problem-solving I’m so good at problem solving eyebrow. I’m really, divergently good at problem solving.
[01:09:28] I’m really, divergently good at problem solving. And some people are better at other things, and some people are better at it. Under the eye. Some people are less critical on people are less fearful. That’s hasn’t been a gift of mine. Hasn’t been a gift of mine. Chin, I’m wondering if I could accept more?
[01:09:53] What into my life? I’m wondering, except more diversity in my life. Hold on.
[01:10:05] What if they’re not as stupid as I thought, what if they’re actually smarter than I thought? What if I’m not as smart as I thought? What if I’m not as smart as I thought, what if smart isn’t binary? What is smart? Isn’t binary. I mean, it’s much more diverse than I thought, and it’s much more diverse than I thought.
[01:10:33] How does that fit your system? Yeah, that works. I think that, uh, the smart people are the ones that don’t speak up that much and they let the stupid ones, uh, show that they’re not as smart as they think. Hmm, that’s a belief. I, I, again, like if you’re one of the reasons I asked, like, where do you want to stand?
[01:11:01] So there’s the personal thing, which is what if I’m not as smart as I think. And I believe that when we asked that question, Um, it’s a very vulnerable question because oftentimes we set ourselves aside. We give ourselves status over others, especially if we came from inadequacy or, you know, we were diverse, divergent.
[01:11:27] There’s a term neurodiversity and people whose brains developed differently than others in your case because of your childhood vision. Um, but for whatever reason, innate or trauma or whatever, like I used to hold on to smart, like it was my life raft. Right. And so here I was standing at the top of a mountain of intelligence with a life raft, talk about a stupid metaphor.
[01:11:58] I’ve got my life crap. I am a smart, you know, and it really does. It, it, it created this dynamic. And so when sometimes when we hold onto something that is true, like if you’re a great, like super-duper problem-solver and I, I chose like super-duper, you know, like superhero level, problem solver, you can, you can ride your high horse all around just don’t trample people.
[01:12:27] Don’t look down on them and look for and open to the diversity. I mean, emotional intelligence is not something that I had on my radar screen at all, at all, growing up. Cause I was around people that didn’t put any attention on it. And I’m not as intelligent emotionally as I would love to be. I think it’s something that we can cultivate just like problem solving ability is something that we can cultivate.
[01:12:58] And so when we tap and we, we honor, like how do I really want to hold this identity? I look the reason when I think about a circle, Jim is, and I invite you to start thinking in terms of like your place in the circle. If we, as a community need a problem solved, or your innate capacity is really helpful.
[01:13:22] If, if we need somebody who can hold a kind of compassion and empathy, um, for someone who’s maybe. Their brain hasn’t recovered from an accident or something. And they just have a really hard time tracking. Their, their executive function is now functioning. Maybe somebody else in the circle who’s, who’s been down that road or has a natural kind of compassion, empathy, and patience.
[01:13:52] Um, and I’m not looking at myself here. I have more of it than I used to, but I still aspire to that. And we look at the circle and we say, wow, you know, emotional gifts, spiritual gifts, intelligence problem, solving the ability to hold space quietly, um, to allow people to be in there in their reality. Um, wow.
[01:14:20] And so this is where, you know, tap on. Maybe I’m not as smart as I am, and maybe I’m really good, like holding the identity of problem solving as a gift. If I cultivate it, I’m really good at it. And sometimes when I, when I see something in the world, it’s easy for me, but it’s not for someone else. It’s easy.
[01:14:45] It’s easy for someone to see something that maybe we can’t. Um, is that, is that helpful to you, Jim? Where you are? Oh yeah, yeah, no, it’s extremely helpful. And right when you were mentioning in the beginning, the, the circle thing, I had an image that popped into my mind that instead of, you know, like, oh, I’m, you know, kind of like you were saying, you know, I’ve got my mountain peak and my life raft and my horse up there too.
[01:15:15] Yeah. I mean, I’m really good at some things, but I’m not really. At all things. And I suck at a lot of things that most people are so good at. And that’s where that inferiority thing and all this, you know, stuff comes from. So the image that popped into my mind when you were explaining this, is that like holding the circle is like, okay, well, I’ve got this area in the circle that I can contribute to the community.
[01:15:49] And other people have these things and therefore, and, and none of them. Better than the other. They’re all parts of the wheel that are all necessary. And, and, you know, uh, this way I can value other people for their skills and, and we’re all on the same playing field. It’s all a level playing field
[01:16:17] ecosystem is, is a core to the emotional world is to be aware that, you know, is it the sun or the water? That’s more important to life on earth? Well, wouldn’t be life on earth without either. And, um, I really appreciate co-creating with you, Cathy, um, for all of these years. And, and we’re not the same. We have, we have, we have intelligences that mesh and blend and, um, our identities and all of these things.
[01:16:49] Um, I w I’d like to open it for closing, uh, bringing us to a close for today to you, if you would. Yeah. And I would just want to thank you all for being here. So Rick and I think we’re more powerful teaching together because we have slightly different perspectives and we’re shining our little flashlights at different angles so that it helps people see things from different, different perspectives and the need to be that step forward or share in the chat.
[01:17:16] You’re helping people see things from a different perspective unless so powerful and so beautiful. So we’re here as a circle, helping each other heal and bringing insight and also modeling courage. These are tough, tough topics. We’re not picking the light. Oh, let’s entertain ourselves on a sunny Sunday.
[01:17:36] We’re like picking up the core deep things that even a little air in those a little bit of space allows, starts unfurling. You like a really tightly flower, bud. That’s all really tight. It just lets it start opening up. And then the beauty of your unique beans start showing the more you open up, the more beautiful you are, the more beautifully you smell, like people are going to be naturally attracted to you being authentic.
[01:18:04] And so I, I love that we come together as a group to do this to me, it’s incredibly spiritual and incredibly touching and. If you are noticing things, realize that often kind of feels a little bit worse when we first start tuning in and these, the analogy of you’re wearing a shoe that’s too tight and your foot has gotten numb.
[01:18:24] When you take the shoe off, initially, it’s like, oh God, like, oh wait, that really hurts. Like you get all the print, prints, bricks and stuff, but you’re actually doing something really good for your system. So if you’re noticing frustration or things coming up, just realize you’re going through the healing process.
[01:18:39] You’re opening this, but up and creating more space for you to be you. And that’s a beautiful gift to give them. I’m just really honored to be here with all of you and Rick, thank you for creating this face. Inbox is open support@thrivingnow.com and the community center at thriving. now.center is a place where we continue and we engage and we touch on these things.
[01:19:04] There’s a new, um, exploration that we’re doing on concepts for thriving, as well as the real skills workshops you are so invited to come click the sign up and join. You’re welcome to use a pseudonym if that’s what feels good to you. So yeah. Thank you all so much for being here. Thank you, Kathy. Bye for now, everyone.

We covered…

  • How the primitive brain processes Identity issues
  • Shifting the “I am ____” beliefs change our energy and how we interact with others
  • Needy-ness
  • Unwanted, Undesirable
  • Smart! On a high horse in a life raft on a mountaintop

Resources Mentioned

  1. EFT Tapping Guide

  2. Thriving Now Emotional Freedom Circle

What was your ah-ha from the session?