It’s awkward! As people close to us begin to visit, re-emerging into social interactions is requiring more savvy – real skill – than pre-pandemic for sure.
For sensitive folk, we can also pick up on other people’s discomfort and worries and have it raise our anxiety, too.
The great news is that EFT Tapping when used with the right frames of reference is proven to help with calming our primitive brain, nervous system, and stress hormones. It can also help us engage with more confidence – even if you human interactions have always been a struggle.
Cathy and I have extensive experience with this, both in how we apply it for ourselves and with thousands of beings in our communities. In our Real Skills Workshop on Thursday, we will spend 90 minutes helping you craft an approach based on freedom and mutual support.
And we’ll do lots of tapping on the fears and judgments that come up.
Would this be helpful for you right now? If so, do sign up for this Real Skills Workshop. You’ll also get the recording.
We feel tremendous compassion for our community members worldwide who have been financially crushed by the pandemic or other life challenges. If that is you, by all means join us for free, as our honored guest.
If you CAN support the workshop with a payment, thank you – your financial support matters so much!
When skills get rusty – like those for connecting with new people and new experiences – our survival brain can get scared… making social anxiety worse than ever!
And our poor survival brains got a strong workout last year. Lots of different messages with changing information on how to stay safe and how to avoid people.
No wonder connecting with people and going to new places seems overwhelming! And for most of us, connection skills are really rusty after 16 months or more of sitting on the sidelines.
If you have competing energies about this (part of you can’t wait to hug all the people, and part wants to stay home in your nice comfy couch watching reruns of Chopped – my favorite new escape), or if all of you is feeling overwhelmed at the thought of eating at restaurants, going to a meetup, or getting on a plane, there is one major tip that can make all of this easier.
Rick and I will be diving deeper into this in our Real Skills Workshop.
The biggest tip we can share is not to do this alone.
“Wait!” you say. “What if I don’t have someone local do to this with?”
There are simple ways to get support, even if you don’t know a soul.
First, let’s look at why having support can soothe your survival brain and help you navigate connection easier.
Our survival brain knows we need community and that part of our brain evolved to fit in and belong.
When we do something new, we’re not sure of what is socially acceptable or not. We’re not sure of what is “safe” socially, physically, or emotionally. It is natural to feel timid when we’re in a situation like that. Especially if we have a history of experiences that taught us there are situations we don’t handle well (old traumas, abuse, embarrassments that we didn’t resolve).
If you have a buddy, or at least someone watching out for you a bit, your survival brain doesn’t feel quite so alone. When that part of your brain is more relaxed, there are less adrenaline, cortisol, and other stress-induced hormones. This allows your cognitive brain to function better, and for you to feel calmer and more connected.
This works great if you have a partner or a buddy that lives near you and is interested in the same activities. Driving there together, walking in together, and knowing you have someone who has your back is wonderful.
If you don’t, just noticing the lack can feel overwhelming and can cause your survival brain to feel anxious and scared.
Take a gentle deep breath, and remind your brain that you are doing the social interactions so you can find more buddies and/or potential partners to do things with. You are being courageous and creating the connections you want!
Even if you don’t have someone to attend with you, there are ways you can feel more supported. They do help!
1) Ask a friend or family member - even if they aren’t local or not interested in what you’re going to - to be your remote wing-person.
A call just before you go in, a text to let them know if you are feeling safe, a call afterwards to decompress… these simple gestures can make a lot of difference, and help your survival brain relax.
Just like when I’m dating someone new, I often give the contact info to a friend and will send a text 15-20 minutes into the date to let my friend know things are ok. Much calmer survival brain!
2) Ask the person hosting for support/information.
Reach out by email or phone and let the person hosting know you feel nervous… that you haven’t been around people a lot. You might ask if leaving early - if that’s right for you- will disrupt the event for others.
I host Cuddle Parties and I love when people let me know they’re anxious. I can watch out for them, check in with them, and introduce them to a safe person or two so they feel supported.
If you feel too ashamed of your anxiety to share about it, you can also check in about leaving early due to a possible work or family issue. And offering to help with setup and cleanup calms me a lot. When I feel useful, I relax.
3) Get a coach or therapist to help you out.
Having someone who will listen, encourage and offer suggestions can make a big difference. Knowing you are not alone, that you have someone paying attention, can make all the difference.
And working through the fears can make this lots easier! We’ll dive into new tips and suggestions and do EFT Tapping during our workshop.
We’ve all had a pretty rough year. And many of us are emerging and connecting with people again, or at least contemplating connecting again. If social anxiety is making this challenging for you, we hope you’ll join us!
Cathy & Rick
I’m looking forward to this! This description was actually helpful for my upcoming presentation tomorrow. I realize I have so many judgments about my fears when they happen. That adds a layer to the moment that’s really hard, like oh no, now I seem scared. Reading this helps remind me that it is natural to feel fear in these situations. Even thinking about these strategies you suggest makes me feel a bit calmer.
What is interesting to me is how often we label our sensory intelligence as “fear.”
I was about to sit on a truly lovely rock this morning. Overlooking the valley where fog was settled, sun rising, the rock is in a perfect place on the trail for a rest and refresh.
And… the trail is a WE-SPACE! I share the we-space with other animals and insects and even geology.
It’s useful, I believe, for my body to have alerted me – you are about to get more intimate with the We-Space! You’re going to sit your butt down. You are going to be slightly less free to leap out of the way.
Check. Got it.
A few years ago I would have taken those exact same intelligent vibrations (not thought, although I do have mental awareness of risk, too). The sensations were primal. “It’s good in this situation to tend and be with the shift – from walking to sitting, from being distant from the earth to putting your tender bits right up against Her.”
I think about a presentation, too, in similar ways. What is the ecosystem I’m stepping into? How might I be more Present with what is… not automatic and definitely not clueless?
Wondering how much of what we call fear and scary is really the call to bring more Presence into the Now… to shift from autopilot (which saves energy) to Heart-crafted Beingness.
Obligated. Coerced. Pressured. Shamed. Should On. Have To’d = NOT Free = ANXIOUS!
If you do not feel free to say NO, and you are a freedom-loving being, the situation is guaranteed to evoke Anxiety. Indeed, it is supposed to.
When a client says they are social anxious, I have questions:
- Can you say NO?
- Can you leave whenever you want without being pressured, coerced, or shamed? (by others or by yourself)
Why these question? Because:
1) If you cannot say NO, at any time and for any reason, your primitive brain is going to treat that as being trapped. It will activate its Trap Avoidance Programming – whatever that looks like for your nervous system. For people who feel “socially anxious,” that can be scared, panicked, utterly exhausted, or truly ill.
2) Neutralizing social anxiety means establishing more freedom to say NO even in the middle of an experience. Otherwise, ta-da! Our primitive brain will interpret this as being trapped… so sweaty palms, “leaving” our body, spacing out, and other behaviors that are natural when we’re feeling… trapped.
I say this knowing that this can be activating. Many times, honestly, we put a label like “social anxiety” on top of what really is a profound requirement for freedom – freedom that we don’t believe is there (and probably wasn’t as a child and still isn’t in many families and life situations).
b) If you feel in your core, as I do, that Freedom is essential for you… and if you do not feel you can say NO, learn how to say NO in more situations without requiring your body to freak out or get sick in order for you to avoid getting trapped.
This is not easy.
It’s why we’re doing this workshop. It’s why Cathy talked about getting support. We’ll work on this together in the workshop.
Do you want to live in a world where obligation drives everything? Where have-to’s are what bind us together?
I do not.
I want freedom and choice to be at the core of how we are with one another… and with ourselves.
Why? Because no one thrives when they feel trapped.
If this Real Skills Workshop feels like a YES for you, then accept our invitation and join the engagement. You can leave at any time. You can not show up at all and no one here will call you on it. You can “attend” with the recording. You can pay to support our work, or not! You can avoid us altogether, even unsubscribe.
Yes! Brilliant new perspective to unpack.
A shark tank! Hmmm… I need to give this some thought.
Then don’t be the food. There are pros that swim with sharks, and even feed the sharks at aquariums, and there are preparations and protocols. That feels realistic even with human sharks…
I don’t need to kill them, and I don’t need to feed them ME – feed them something more tasty for them.
Neutralizing Social Anxiety: How to Be Calm and Confident When Awkwardly Re-Emerging - Session Recording
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Neutralizing Social Anxiety: How to Be Calm and Confident When Awkwardly Re-Emerging
Welcome to neutralizing social anxiety, how to be calm and confident and awkwardly re-emerging awkwardly. Re-emerging what, what might we be reemerging from Gabby? Oh, just 16 months of isolation and stress where our poor brains were reconditioned to avoid all humans and stay alone and lots of fear. So the survival brain was very activated for many of us.
[00:00:33] And I’m one thing I’ve noticed is that, um, even though I talk about a lot of the work ideas with people that are shy and awkward, being more connected, and I did so much work on myself, I feel like those skills got really rusty. And as I go out in the world now, it was like the first time I had dinner with someone in a restaurant, I was like, Is this okay.
[00:00:54] My brain was like really worried, like, oh no, no, can’t take off my mask. I’m like, really? It’s okay. And it took some effort to just like convince myself to relax. Um, my anxiety was a lot higher doing things that I normally would do all the time. And I just want to normalize that for people, because I think just normalizing it, taking off the sugar, the judgment that I know I had for myself at first, it, it made it easier.
[00:01:22] Cause when I was shitting on myself, like this should be easy. You should be able to do this gracefully. You should not be stressed. Um, that didn’t reduce my stress at all. In fact, it raised a great event. So remember a call where you were shitting on yourself.
[00:01:41] I’m scared. I’ve changed my clothes three times and I’m going to be late now because I can’t find my mask and I don’t even need it. Um, yeah. So I just, if you would just, if you just take a nice, slow, deep breath right here right now,
[00:01:59] and if you can just let yourself know, this can be challenging, we haven’t practiced. It’s something we haven’t practiced in 16 months and it’s okay to be a little rusty. If you hadn’t been on a bike in 16 months and he got on, he might give yourself a few minutes to warm up. Um, and it’s okay to give yourself a little time to warm up.
[00:02:21] And the fact that you’re here, we’re going to do some tapping and some clearing. And that’s going to give you a big edge over a lot of people that I know are I talked to some friends that are not tapping people. And they’re like, they’re, they’re very agitated. They’re, they’re really exhausted by this whole process.
[00:02:36] So you being here, if you can just give yourself a pat on the back for taking care of yourself, that’s pretty awesome. And this is a unique time where, um, much of the population shares this awkward re-emerging worldwide. But I want to also say that if you happen to be watching this five years from now, um, awkward re-emerging can happen after we’re sick or after we end the relationship or baby or switch, you know, switch careers or any kind of.
[00:03:14] Significant change, move to a new Sydney, move to a new city. Um, there’s a very human, is he having on the bed
[00:03:30] today? There was a group of about six people and it was the first time. And I don’t run into a lot of people the time and girls that I go to, but there were, um, six people that were probably in their seventies, maybe even older, good shape, no one was wearing a mask and they were all really like present with one another and they were comfortable with me.
[00:03:58] And that was really awkward and really delightful and awkward. And I found that like, because we were preparing for this, I’ve been doing some, some more of my own tapping. My top every day and I was happening on like, okay, I’m going to be awkward. They’re going to be awkward. Some people are going to be less awkward.
[00:04:23] Some people are going to just be natural and what my sensors and this is, I think one of the things that I really hope that we hear there are those of us who have really good sensors,
[00:04:43] some have called us, maybe hypersensitive. Um, and we pick up on things. We pick up on things that may be the casual person, walking down a trail, or walking into a room or walking into a restaurant that was not. And if that’s true for you, My hope is that maybe we can take some of the things that you’ve lumped into being socially anxious and put them in a different category.
[00:05:18] Like I’m aware, I’m aware of things. And maybe I haven’t really taken the time to label some of the energies that make my nervous system. I catch my attention until I acknowledge them spaces that are, you know, when people walk into a, a lunch room and they’re just like, it’s the lunch room? What’s the big deal.
[00:05:45] Now my nervous system, my primitive brain picks up those people are jockeying for status. My sensors pick that up. Those people are upset with one another. Those people are, um, lots of different things. So like a large lunch lunchroom until I learned and was taught some of the things we’re going to be talking about in this workshop.
[00:06:18] Um, it was overwhelming to me because it just felt like too much. Um, and by being able to discern like, oh, that energy, or is people, you know, gossiping, I happened to be allergic to gossip. Um, if I get too close to it, it’s really hard on my nervous system. Um, I don’t know exactly what to do with it. And so like, right.
[00:06:47] Distance, right. Depth. It is, oh, they’re gossiping. I’m going to, I’m going, oh, they’re being nice to each other. I’m gonna move, just move my body. I don’t even have to necessarily talk to the nice people, but just like moving away from one into, to the other. There’s a fluidity there. I give myself permission, whereas before I might be anchored, like Kathy said in this, well, I should be more comfortable here.
[00:07:12] This is just a restaurant or a cafeteria or whatever, a company party. Why am I anxious? And so I believe that as I’ve worked with lots of clients who are naturally, um, have extra sensors that are, that are capable of picking up things about the environment, um, and they have labeled themselves or been labeled by professionals as being certainly anxious.
[00:07:49] Um, because they’re suffering, they’re suffering from the, the energy of being anxious in situations that they really want to be calm and confident. Um, I believe that this is a part of it. It is a part of, of acknowledging that, um, certain situations may be cratering for our old promise, even though other people might not find them triggering.
[00:08:14] Um, we do. And so that’s our on us to help heal the trauma, but it may be something that we never go out for. Um, my father was an alcoholic, you know, I’m just probably not going to be my full cell in a place that where people are intoxicated to that level. I, I know that about myself. So that’s, that’s some of the stage setting that I hope that we can, um, in this period of time start discerning, like, okay, what’s mine to tend to what is really in the space here that I’m picking up on that by, by being aware of it and giving it a name inside of myself, I can go, oh, that’s what’s going on.
[00:09:06] And I actually I’m okay. Not being a part of it or not getting too close to it. Um, Yeah, I think that’s really important. Um, I’d love to do some time. I should just before we dive into the rest of it. And one other thing I want to add is for many of us, like I’ve been a home alone for 16 months. I had a cat to passed away in January, but it’s been very quiet here.
[00:09:32] My survival brain churn tuned to a new level of noise around me and activity. There weren’t a lot of things going on. One of the things that made me most anxious when I went out, as I was hearing all these other noises and people behind me and because my calibration had been set for a very quiet, I was very agitated.
[00:09:52] I’m like, oh, I should pay attention to everything again. So I just, you know, you were talking to Rick about it for sensitive. We’re getting all these signals that a lot of people don’t even notice. I imagine if you’re on this call, you’re pretty tuned in person and you probably pick up energies really well.
[00:10:08] Um, and you’re picking up anger and frustration or jockeying or whatever, but your survival brain might be on more of a alert because you’re just not used to the rustle and bustle anymore. So I’m just realizing that helped me go, oh, okay. Survival brain. It’s all right. So can we just start there and roll right into the shifts?
[00:10:30] Is that okay? Yeah. If you’re new to tapping, we’re not going to be teaching it tonight, but we have a guide at dot com slash halfing. It’s free and you’re welcome to, but the cool thing is you can kind of mimic and follow along with us and get the benefit. So, yeah. Okay. Karate chop. Hey, survival brain,
[00:10:56] a survival brain. You did so good. You did so good. We just made it through an international pandemic. We just made it through an international pandemic and you got used to a little different level of activity and you got used to a different level of activity, and there was still a lot of anxiety.
[00:11:18] There’s still a lot of anxiety in the air and you learned not to be near people. We were told to avoid people. You did such a good job with that. You did such a good job with that. And I have really good news for you. I have really good news for you. For most of us, that pandemic is in name for most of us, that pandemic is ending and it’s okay to start emerging again.
[00:11:46] And it is okay to start a merging again. This might feel really odd. That’s really odd cause we haven’t done it in so long, so long and it’s okay to be around humans again. That’s okay to be around humans again. So top of the head, I know you’re not used to all the noise and bustle. I know you’re not used to that.
[00:12:09] All that energetic noise and bustle
[00:12:16] are they side of the eye are waitresses moving and waiters moving behind you Raiders moving behind you closer than six feet are people not wearing masks, people not wearing masks under the nose. And it may seem really strange and stressful. It’ll probably at times feel really strange and stressful and that’s okay.
[00:12:47] And that’s okay. Collarbone. We’ll get used to this again. You will get used to it again under the hour. We can take it nice and slow. You can take it nice and slow top of that and take care of ourselves as we go
[00:13:06] ourselves. As we just take a nice deep breath
[00:13:13] and just notice if that helps you feel a little settled at all, just kind of giving yourself permission there.
[00:13:22] And if it’s okay, I’d like to just do a quick round on the shits because they came up so strong for me. Um, and I think that a lot of us, especially if we’ve struggled to be more social, like I’m like, I’ve already learned this, how dare I have to learn it again? How dare that not work better. So, um, karate chop, even though I really should be good at this, even though I really should be good at this, I should be able to jump right back on the horse.
[00:13:50] I should be able to jump right back on the horse. I learned all of this before I learned all of this and made some progress or what’s my problem. What’s my problem. The truth is I haven’t done this in awhile.
[00:14:09] I haven’t done this in a while and maybe it’s okay to take a little bit of time and maybe it’s top of that. No, it’s not. Okay. I brought I’m an adult and I should be good at this. I should be good at that side of the, I shouldn’t have to learn it again. I shouldn’t have to learn as you come under the, I shouldn’t have to practice.
[00:14:32] I shouldn’t have to practice the skill under the nose. I shouldn’t be tired after one dinner out. I, you shouldn’t be exhausted after one dinner out 10. What’s my problem. I should be much better at this. I should be much better at this and I’m not under the arm and I will get better at this and I won’t get better at so that it’s okay to take it a little slow.
[00:15:02] It’s okay to take it, take a nice deep breath.
[00:15:10] And I just wanted to throw that out there because honestly, I went out to dinner with a friend a couple of weeks ago, the first restaurant dinner I’d had out. And I literally, after an hour and a half, I came home and I fell asleep on the couch for 12 hours. And I woke up exhausted the next day. And I’m like, what’s wrong with me?
[00:15:28] And I’m like, oh, I just haven’t done this in a while. Like my whole system was like overwhelmed by all the noises and it was on hyper alert and you know, the next dinner was much easier. I always slept for six hours.
[00:15:43] Hope you hear that he even professionals that practice this all the time, you know, we can ask like what is going on, you know, and be really baffled and critical. I think the, the, the reminder, which is, which is in bedded through practice, the skill of like, oh, I’m being hard on myself. What is it that my, my body has just gone through?
[00:16:08] What does my body and mind just, um, and exposed to what’s present here. And when you do that, you, I believe that there’s a natural compassion on the other, as the is clear. And the tapping that we did, you may have to practice that. Like every day I used to shit on myself so much that it was shocking to me, like three weeks in like.
[00:16:40] I should on myself. Like I should wear diapers. I should on myself so much.
[00:16:51] If there is another side, there is a side where you get, oh, I’m shooting on myself. What’s up. And that’s where, you know, uh, I just shut it on myself. I just shit on myself. I’m so human. It was so human and that was hard and that was hard. And sometimes it’s too hard and sometimes it’s too hard. Sometimes it’s too much, sometimes it’s too much.
[00:17:24] And I really give myself permission and I really give myself permission and compassion.
[00:17:36] And I’m practicing recalibrating myself and then practicing recalibrating myself. And that’s a skill and that is a skill, any device that has to be calibrated, a satellite dish, uh, you know, uh, you know, we have technology that does a lot of that recalibration now, but any kind of device where you have to recalibrate it, it’s a skill to be able to do that.
[00:18:02] And that’s why this is a real skill workshop, neutralizing, social anxiety, um, with certain skills, you know, if you’re really anxious, recalibrating to neutral says certain things like, do I feel like I have to, am I shooting on myself? If you are saying you have to go. And there’s a whole article I wrote about this, a freedom loving person.
[00:18:37] Who feels like they have to is going to feel anxious because it violates a core value of yours. If it’s akin to, if you were to, if you value being kind to animals and you are going to be cruel to an animal, you would want your body to go, wait, what?
[00:19:02] This isn’t as obvious as something like that. But you’re being cruel to yourself by saying, I have to do this thing. Pressuring, horsing, obligating, um, demanding, punishing, criticizing, all the things that we do. And so like, if I were to say, Hey, what’s present in a lot of those of us that would be labeled socially anxious.
[00:19:33] If this have too, and I get it, we’re trained from, from the earliest ages to have half twos in posed on us. We internalize it. And this is the real skill is to take something that looks and smells and feels and your nervous system, like a half, two, and I’m going to lead us in what’s a bit of refusal and contrast tapping.
[00:20:06] So what that means is we give ourselves an opportunity to say no, and we give ourselves an opportunity to feel the, have to as well. Does that make sense? So think of something that it actually isn’t life or death. If you weren’t to do it, weren’t to go to the event or something like that, but it still feels like, oh, I have to, I really have to be stronger than that.
[00:20:41] You know, some people, if there’s a little whiff of half too, they feel it at a nine or 10 plus you in there.
[00:20:51] how strong does it feel? How true is it? Say I have to go.
[00:20:58] I have to go
[00:21:03] and write down that number zero to 10. It’s about a seven. Yeah. If you feel like that’s at a seven, that’s going to be in the background, vibrating and vibration too. Grabs us like anxiety is often felt here, grab us in this area of our energy. Makes sense. Even though I have to, even though I have to, I just have to, I just have to, that’s the truth.
[00:21:47] That’s the truth,
[00:21:55] even though I don’t have to, even though I don’t have to, I have to. I have to, even though I have to, even though I have to, I don’t have to, I don’t have to, even though I really have to even, I really have to hate that. I hate that. Not feeling like I have to open the field, not feeling like I have to. I have to.
[00:22:22] Or else or else eyebrow or else, or else that makes me feel anxious. That makes me feel anxious. What if I don’t have to? What if I don’t have to don’t tell me that. Don’t tell me that I have to go. I have to go. The only way I’ll go is if I have to go go is if I have to go, I have to go. I have to go. Or else or else, what would it be?
[00:22:53] Or else is okay. What if or else is okay. All right, bro. What if it’s not? What if it’s not? What if I can’t handle the or else, but if I can’t handle the URLs and the BI, maybe I’m choosing to go. Maybe I’m choosing to go there or else because there, or else I don’t want, I don’t want.
[00:23:26] What if I don’t have to. Okay. What if I’m choosing to, because of the, or else, what if I’m choosing to, because of the orals?
[00:23:43] Hell, because that’s the threat and I’ll be clear. There’s sometimes there is a threat. I must go to my mother’s birthday party or else she will never speak to me again. And she will put the whole family against me and I am just not up to that level of toxicity. So
[00:24:11] if that’s something that you had in your life, imagine for a moment, if you can. I feel like I have to. Okay. Or else they will turn on me. They will turn on me. They will gossip about me. They would gossip about me might get fired. I get fired or else I don’t want no, or else I don’t want. And they’re very predictable and they’re very predictable and I’m not making this up and not making it up.
[00:24:45] I know there, or else, I know that I’m choosing to go rather than deal with there or else choosing to go rather than deal with there or else.
[00:24:59] Okay. I think that’s really useful. And I also think that I sometimes create, or else’s I have nothing to do with reality. So I have some people in my life that there’s an, or else they’re like, you know, it will be a lot of paperwork afterwards. And I also, sometimes I have the, I don’t even, I’m not always aware of my shirts.
[00:25:19] My my half days, it’s like, I have to show up early. I have to be the star of the event the whole time I have to engage with all the people and everyone has to like me. I have to bring the best dish the whole time. I can never be ungraceful or have to like, apologize for anything. I have to stay to the end of the evening.
[00:25:37] Like I have a whole list of these subconsciously running. And then of course I’m feeling I’m dreading because I’m trying to, I’m writing a script before I even am in the moment, as opposed to, I get to show up and hang out for as long as feels good to me. And I get to talk to the people and be myself in the moment and it may not be appropriate for me.
[00:25:59] I’m actually kind of a shy person. So like, it might be just entirely appropriate just to listen to some people and talk with them and not have to show that I’m a really good attendee or whatever it is. Um, so I think it caught up in those. And honestly, sometimes when I think about the URLs, it’s like, Hmm, I’m afraid I won’t be invited back, but that’s probably not going to happen.
[00:26:23] Maybe they’ll be mad at me, but most of my friends are pretty cool about that. So sometimes there isn’t really an or out like, we make it, like we have to do this, but yeah. And again, like part of the. The real skill is with tapping. You start with it being like, if it feels real to you treat it as if it’s real, we’re not trying to force it, but I believe that as you tap on something, you give it energy and acknowledgement that there’s a, there isn’t often a natural divergence.
[00:27:00] If the, or else really is like, I know these people, I know this situation or ones like it, and I know they are, else’s at least more possible than unlikely. And then there’s the, oh yeah, this is coming from. Other situations kind of splashing over or it’s my imagination maybe because I feel like I have to.
[00:27:26] And so I’m, I’m, I’m struggling with that. A hundred being karate chop, even though I have some or else’s in my life, even though I do have some more else’s in my life, I might’ve made them up for this event. Curious if I’ve made them up for this event. Did I write a script for myself? Did I write a script for mine?
[00:27:52] And I’m grading myself against the script I created and I’m grading myself against the script I created.
[00:28:03] And maybe that doesn’t have anything to do with reality. Top of the head I have to go. I have to go. I have to perform. I have to perform side of the aisle can be, I have to be perfect. I’d have to be perfect under the, I have to stay the entire time to stay the entire time. I have to get an, a plus on attending this event.
[00:28:30] I have to get an, a plus on attending this event, Tim who says collarbone. What if I just go for a few minutes? What if I just go for a few minutes under the arm? What if I go and just talk to a couple people? What if I go on top of that? What if I don’t aim for a plus? What does even a plus mean? What if I just attend as me?
[00:29:01] I want to attend, take a nice deep breath.
[00:29:11] When I remember that I get a lot more relaxed and I often am not aware of. The scripts I’m writing in my head or my shredding on myself until I like once I, you know, I’m like, oh, I’m really tense. What’s going on. And if I start looking at the source of that tension of like, oh, okay, I haven’t seen this person in over a year and a half.
[00:29:32] I want to dazzle them with how wonderful I am so that I will feel good about myself as opposed to they haven’t seen people either. It’d be really nice if we just connected as humans with each other. Um, so that can really, that really helps me. Um, so we’re gonna give you the things that you discover about emotional work, that anxiety has an intelligence to it.
[00:29:55] And if your assumption is that if something is showing up and it’s not to be necessarily fixed to be with and to explore, um, and I, again, Nothing because we’re with it and we’re providing comfort at the same time. It can make it easier to cope with the energies as they start rising. And if you do this, not as you’re walking into the event, like do it then in your car or take a break, but do the prepaid thing.
[00:30:34] And so like one of the things do you have to go, can you make it so that if you’re going, you going as a choice, maybe a shitty choice. Okay. But if your nervous system feels like, you know, I could, I could not go this isn’t life or death. I don’t like the consequences. I’m actually looking forward to situations where there wouldn’t be any or else’s.
[00:31:07] Ooh, wouldn’t that be sweet? You know, um, a lot of people get very sick in order to get the acceptable excuse for not going up to the half tears. That was true for me. Like it was, it was an aspect. It wasn’t all of my illness. Um, but one of the things I noticed is that even years later, if there was a half to event that was still like, oh, I have to go, I would start feeling sick.
[00:31:42] Ooh. And that’s a clue. And so the more that we can be in some measure of waste, um, you’re going to lower. That’s the calming part of this calming part of this is. It’s it is a choice. Maybe like paying taxes. Yeah. I don’t, I don’t want to go to jail. Um, so I’m going to pay my taxes, but I’m choosing to, it may be that, you know, all of those other, or else’s what our goal is to get to a place where, um, if you’re not operating from half twos, you’re operating from choice.
[00:32:31] You’re going to start noticing that you have more energy for things that really are choices. A lot of times, people that like one half to wipe them out for two months. And I mean that with deep respect, like happy, sad going to that one dinner and you slept for 12 hours. I know people that will do one half to event.
[00:32:53] Where they feel they’re trapped and they can’t leave and they don’t go to anything else for two months after. And I’ve had them go to the next event of that after tapping and making it like, yeah, I actually have some toys here and, you know, I could leave. I really only have to show up and be seen, like I could leave after half hour and probably no one would even notice.
[00:33:17] So now they have an exit. Oh, exits love the exit. If I’m anxious about going someplace, part of this skill is what’s my graceful exit and what’s my emergency accent. So I’d like you to think about that event that you feel like you have to go and imagine, is there some kind of exit that you could take somewhat gracefully?
[00:33:49] It might be like, oh, Um, yeah, it looks like tonight. I’m only going to be able to stay for a little while, but I’m glad to, you know, I’m glad to be able to see you all, if that’s true, you know, or, um, paving the way that you’re not going to be there the whole time. Yeah, you can prepay that. I’ve also just said something came up and it might be that I’m exhausted.
[00:34:12] Someone shared in the chat that they went to a barbecue and after 45 minutes, they were really exhausted and they left. And I think that’s just a normal thing. We haven’t been to the gym a lot, so we get tired faster. I had a bunch of out, we had dinner outdoors at a distance a few a month ago, and these are people that normally we hang out for five or six hours.
[00:34:34] We have a great time after an hour and a half. Everyone’s like, I’m really done. Like, I love you all. And I want to see I’m like, don’t want to leave, but, um, I’m just, it’s just normal. I think Gratz an environment where you have people that have practiced this. And so I hope you heard. And just to reiterate, people felt that they could.
[00:34:56] Say to one another, Hey, I’m done, you know, I thank you. And I’m done. And like, that’s my aspiration. That’s emotional freedom to me. And not all situations allow that. So, um, if you can, and this is the type of thing on the thriving now community center, thriving now.center, feel free to explore like, okay, here’s my situation.
[00:35:24] What are some possible exits? So I, I will reach suddenly into my pocket, pull out my phone and say something personal has come up. I need to go. It’s something personal is I need to go.
[00:35:47] Right. And if it’s, someone’s worried and compassionate, I’ll say it’s going to be okay, but it’s something I need to take care of right now. Um, that’s like the emergency exit. It’s not a complete lie. And I will tell you that part of my, my anxiety goes away. If I know that, like I can, I can make up any story that I want.
[00:36:13] If the situation is toxic for me, I will make, I give myself permission to be the storyteller, you know? And I’m tapping because that’s still
[00:36:28] so value, honesty and transparency. But again, hear what I said. If it’s a toxic situation for me and, and people are having a hard time hearing my, no, I will. I’ll disappear. I’ll just say I got to go to the bathroom and leave. I will, I’ll do whatever I need to, to take care of myself. And I will tell you that, that took my anxiety about certain situations from a pen to a huge, big deal.
[00:37:01] And I’ve used it maybe twice in 20 years. That’s all. And I, and, and just knowing that there’s an exit that you can use, that you’ve practiced with yourself, that you can do that. Um, and so I like, I would practice telling, like, I’m, uh, I tend to be a terrible liar, so I would say, oh my goodness, something’s come up.
[00:37:29] I need to go. Um, it’ll be fine. And I’ll, I’ll send you a, um, uh, I’ll, I’ll send you a text tomorrow.
[00:37:40] Or whatever. Does this make any sense? Kathy might be the only one that finds this kind of exit strategy important. Oh, you, you helped me. That was a lot with my family. Actually, like family can be really, really hard and I would go and visit and I would just feel trapped and, um, Uh, some families are not as good with boundaries as others.
[00:38:02] And I would just feel kind of invaded and trapped. And you came up, you helped me come up with some legitimate exit strategies. Oh, we’re called. Or like I would, I would text my someone at work and I’d say, please call me. And they would call them like, oh, we’re called, I’ve got this. And I would go and like, So like, it was not a lie, but it was a way to, once I had some exits out of there, it made it a lot easier if I was starting to get overwhelmed and they just want to balance it too.
[00:38:31] Um, when we, if, when we were first working with half to use, sometimes it’s like, I don’t want to do anything. Like it’s all overwhelming. And if we want to get better at this, sometimes it’s important to go to the gym and go to some of the, even if it feels a little overwhelming, but we can make it in small bits.
[00:38:48] So we’re talking, Rick and I were talking about neutralizing, social anxiety. There’s three things we want to hit tonight. One is that the half to the trapped feeling and how can we neutralize that? And having an exit strategy is really powerful for that. I want to make sure we hit the other topics. Rick, should we move on to the next?
[00:39:06] And I, I want, uh, someone mentioned, um, in the chat. You can feel like you can’t leave in the middle of a presentation. That’s 700 people, but if you had a stroke, you get to leave. Okay. If, if there’s a lot of reasons that allow us to leave, I will tell you that I get to leave this session. I could say something has come up, but I have to tend to, I’m sorry.
[00:39:43] We have to end this. Now. The other part of the exit strategy is the conferencing part. And I’m just going to briefly touch on it here because when you’re presenting something to 700 people, I’m assuming that it matters to you that you’re not just a slave being whipped into staying there and doing it.
[00:40:03] And I know in this, for this person, that there’s a lot that they’re going to be talking about. That matters. Now you guys matter to me, this topic matters to me. It would really be like a sacred exit for me to say, I need to leave. I must give myself the option of a sacred exit, even from something that really matters to me.
[00:40:30] Even that’s something that might hurt my reputation with other people. They might question my, whatever. I must give myself that exit. Maybe you don’t, maybe if you had that exit, you might feel like, oh, I’ll take it. Um, but like giving yourself the sacred exit, you’re also saying this is something I am really choosing.
[00:40:51] I want to make this kind of impact. This work matters to me, this message matters to me. I’m here doing this for a lot of reasons. And even for people that are doing it for the money that money’s going to, something, my future self matters to me, my family matters to me. My, you know, there’s a reason and that’s the confidence thing part that says, why am I going to this?
[00:41:17] Well, my family can be really a bunch of worrywarts, but I love them. And so I don’t have to go. But I can be there for a bit of time until it’s time for me to exit. And it’s a sacred decision to go. I can show up, even though my baby was awake at 4:00 AM, right. Um, I had a 20 minute nap. I can be here because it’s a sacred choice and that’s the confidence thing.
[00:41:47] That’s what I did prior to the call. I close my eyes and I tend to, you know, I don’t have to go. I can always cancel. Humans have to cancel for lots of reasons. Have to, or they cancel for lots of reasons. And the confidence it comes from. I know Papi’s, Cathy’s going to be there unless she has to cancel. Um, and other people that matter to me are going to be there.
[00:42:15] And some people that I haven’t seen for a while, or maybe don’t even know that it’s the first chance that they’re going to hear some of these things that have mattered that have helped me. And it helped so many other people. So that’s the confidence. In part, we quiet down that half to trapped feeling that brings guaranteed anxiety.
[00:42:33] And then we confidence like this I’m going there because this matters to me because the balance, once the confidence exceeds the, you know, the, uh, the arousal level, the confidence in comes up, then you can be there and you won’t feel like you’re at being anxious to be there it be more excitement. Yeah. I also feel really dumb to share when I’ve presented to large groups and I feel overwhelmed.
[00:43:02] I remind myself, I don’t need to be there for all of them and meet all of their needs. I can just, I set the intention for people that need to hear me. I’m going to be there for them. When I tried to be there for every single one, some of them, I was not the message for them. And when I allowed myself to just be there for the people that were aligned with me, it made it so much easier.
[00:43:24] Like it took a lot of the pressure off of myself. So that was another choice I could make. Um, that made it easier for me. And I think I was more dynamic with the people that were there to hear me. Cause I wasn’t trying to stretch myself quite so much. So I love the chat too. There’s great. Great sharing.
[00:43:41] And I love that people are, are diving into this cause it’s a tough subject. So shall we. So we talked about tattoos and be feeling trapped. Are you ready for the next, the next topic? Yeah, let’s touch on it. And then we’re going to take our break and it’ll give people a chance to come back for another. So the next one is to have supportive people there for you, either at the event.
[00:44:07] And one of the things I work with, a lot of people that are very socially anxious, they have not, they don’t have a lot of local friends. I mean, I have a lot of friends at all and they’re going out to make friends and they’re like, that’s not fair. If I had friends, I wouldn’t, you know, like it wouldn’t be so hard if you have a buddy to go with you.
[00:44:23] It’s great. You know, I love it when I can walk into an event together, but I’m often going into new realms where a lot of my friends are just not interested. My existing friends are interested or in a lot of my friends live across the country. So, um, I’ve done a lot of this with Rick when I first started dating, especially, I’m like, okay, I’m can I call you before I go into the day?
[00:44:45] Because I’m really nervous about this and I’ll text you 15 or 20 minutes in to let you know if they’re an expert or not. And then I’m going to call you when I go home. And that made a huge difference for me. It like, it allowed me to date far more than I would have, and it brought my anxiety level down because I would send Rick the contact information.
[00:45:05] If I went to a meet up, I said, this is the meetup I’m going to at this time, I’ll text you. So just know our survival brain does not ever like to feel alone. When my feels alone, it’s going to be much more alert, much more anxious, much more scared, and will take a lot more. Like we’re going to be vigilant.
[00:45:22] It’s going to suck the energy out of us. If our survival brain knows or someone who knows where we are, someone who’s looking out for us. Um, even just like I could text, Hey, can you call me so I can get out of here? Like I knew somebody was there, I’m going to take that text and would follow through. So there’s a lot of ways that you can do this as you go forward.
[00:45:45] And if you don’t have anyone having a coach do this too, could be really great. I coach a therapist as we’re first going back out in the world, especially when we’re feeling heightened, nervousness, more anxiety, our survival, brain’s more on alert after everything that happened, making sure that we have some support, we don’t feel quite so alone.
[00:46:05] Yeah, it’s really powerful. So trauma informed, um,
[00:46:15] the absence of threat is useful, but that’s not actually what the primitive brain is looking for. Most primitive brain is looking for connection, connection. Why we come together for this? Why Kathy and I connect before the session, or even just 30 seconds or a few minutes, because the Nexion really helped.
[00:46:48] And this is, this is tender. I know for I’ve worked with people that don’t feel like anyone would
[00:47:03] fair enough. Or not think that they were weak. Um, and, um, you know, there’s been some of that in the chat, like, oh, I’m viewed as weak socially. Uh, I’m sorry. Most people, if you, if you really are a sensitive person and you look around most people, um, I don’t consider strong presences, strong, safe connect, connected listening.
[00:47:34] Um, the tire, it’s rare for me to find people that I really drop in with. Um, if you are in a place where you don’t have someone has, and I’m just reaffirming that I believe that we have in the thriving now community, someone who would be willing to receive your text at a particular time in their kinds zone.
[00:48:03] That’s not the middle of the night and, and give you a quick, go ahead. You know, or I’m here, let me know. Um, I’m going to text you in 15 minutes as we agreed. I’m gonna, you know, and we can have a five minute conversation after it’s over. And I’m saying that because I’m that type of person I’ve done that.
[00:48:30] And I do not, I do not consider it a weakness. My partner asks before this session, cause I was tired and she could tell, she said, what are you needing tonight? And I said something. And um, she gave me some verbal occurrence, encouragement. And then, you know, two minutes before we started and I love you and three hearts, am I weak or for asking for that?
[00:49:00] No cause I’m, I’m really like read them connection. These are precious. And so if you’ve been holed and criticized and judged for being a Hardy person who really wants people who get you, um, and you get your needs, which are not weaknesses, we’re, we’re not designed to walk into a large group of people feeling disconnected from everyone.
[00:49:37] And for those of us that have had to make it conscious, we, we reach out, we, we touch base with people. We develop a relationship with someone that, or someone’s that bad. That it’s easier. I’ll admit when, when you know Kathy, you would call me early on and said, I, I just wanted to hear your voice. She’d be falling at the time when she knew she was going to get my voicemail.
[00:50:06] And I was like, what is that? And then one day I called her up and, um, I got her voicemail and I was like, oh, I feel better. That’s what she meant.
[00:50:21] Yeah. It just hearing our survival brain are part of our brain. Just like it just like, oh, that person exists in the world. Like they they’re there to reach out to, even if I don’t get them. And I think people were talking about how like, I think there’s a lot of image in our world. We watch TV and there’s a lot of people that are going through life willpower, following all these sheds, but they’re really shut down to what their actual experiences are and their connection with others.
[00:50:49] I’ve been with people like that. There certainly are people that are deeply connected and are extroverted and they can go out in the world and connect. But there’s a lot of people that appear extroverted and they’re really just steamrolling over everybody around them because they’re not connected to, there’s no real connection.
[00:51:05] They’re all on shifts. They’re just like willpower in their way through life. And if you get in their way, they’re going to trample you. And I don’t think any one of us call us someone who wants to trample people. I imagine we’re all people that really want to heart connect and be with people and be vulnerable.
[00:51:20] And I just, I just want to honor that, that that’s a harder path to walk, but it’s much richer and much more joyful and we’re learning, you know, we’re going to go over a couple more, another skill to you, but. These can help you walk that way and be with people because if you’re super anxious, it’s very hard to connect.
[00:51:39] If you’re super exhausted, if you’re super have to, should I don’t have room for other people. I’m like, I’ve got it. I’ve already decided I’ve gotta be the star of the event. I’m being the star as opposed to being with people. So if you’re looking ahead,
[00:51:57] just in a tapping around whatever’s coming up around having support or haven’t had support or the times when the support wasn’t. Yeah. How do you chop? I shouldn’t need any support. I shouldn’t need any support. I’m not in kindergarten. I’m not in kindergarten. I don’t need a buddy. I don’t need a buddy.
[00:52:20] What if I do?
[00:52:25] What if it can add so much joy and ease? What if it can add so much joy and D to know I’m not alone,
[00:52:36] I’m not alone. So know that at least one other person in this world cares about me. And now I’m feel connected to one other person who cares and is backing me a little. It really helps my survival brain. It really helps my survival brain and my heart. Yeah. I rubbed my heart feels so much warmer. Having a buddy, my heart feels so much warmer having a buddy.
[00:53:03] Why is that wrong? Why is that wrong? Why does anyone think that’s wrong under the eye? Who decided that we’re decided that under the nose? I I’ve learned a lot of really good skills in kindergarten. Uh, I learned a lot of really good skills in kindergarten, but I have to go out alone. I learned to wash my hands, wash my hands.
[00:53:32] Say, please. And thank you. Probably, but maybe having a buddy is one of those really good things. Maybe those having a buddy is one of those things I wish I had learned. I know they are. What if you could take, I can take that forward now and I can take that forward. You know, top of the head I’m allowed to have a buddy.
[00:53:53] Are you allowed to have a buddy or 10 or two? Yeah, I really liked that. That’s, that’s something, uh, nice deep breath. And maybe you didn’t learn it. When I was in kindergarten, we were assigned pairs when we would walk down the hallway and we always had, I should contextualize that. Um, we would always have a buddy and your buddy was supposed to make sure that you didn’t get lost.
[00:54:18] So we were supposed to watch out for each other and made sure we stayed in the group together. Um, so we, we had buddies when we were in kindergarten. Um, and so I’m not, I’m sure not all of you did, but it is okay to have that. It’s okay to ask for that. Now I’ll say that if you learn that you had to do it on your own, because that was really true, it was do it on my own or else.
[00:54:40] And the, or else was wasn’t. I wasn’t going to get tended to, I don’t believe we lose the superpower. By acclimating ourselves also to a very different kind of ecosystem. Um, you know, and that’s part of this and we’re going to get to that subject after our break. Um, do you want to start a Q a session, a short session with someone when we come back on?
[00:55:07] Yeah. I want to make sure we at least touch on the last, the last point we can do that really quickly and then jump into a session with somebody. So, yeah. Right. So we’re going to pause the recording and we invite you if you’re watching the replay to also take a short break,
[00:55:24] we’ll come back. Yeah. Little integration time. Do you want to jump, jump right into that last, the last point? And then how do you mean? I think I’d like to practice our next call is going to be on the powerful pause. And so we just took a break. There’s a quality of just taking a moment and checking in with your body.
[00:55:48] Just to pause, before you jump back into a conversation engagement about a few breaths
[00:56:00] was good tier where you can put your hand somewhere on your body
[00:56:12] and from a work we’re discovering more and more clearly that connection between two people that are in a healthy connection is part of it, but also between the brain part of us and the rest of our body and our viscera. So like our got even just giving your valet a little.
[00:56:45] Yeah. If there’s a spread or something that your body wants to do too,
[00:56:57] because one of the things that we’re going to be talking about in this next segment is, um,
[00:57:07] a lot of times when we’re anxious, we Bush, when we get in it, we’ll just leave. We amp it up. We use that. We try to convert the anxiety and to kinetic energy. No, go, go, go, go, go, go. And that and teach your body that. Oh, well we can, we can go there and we can do this, but it’s going to be really expensive.
[00:57:35] It’s gonna be expensive to us because we’re, we’re going too far, too fast. Right? You want to take it from there? Um, so we talked about number one and I’m just reiterating to try to anchor. So maybe I’ll hear my voice and next time you feel stressed. Um, one is the half to, or the trap feeling too is getting, you know, like letting go of that too, is inviting some support.
[00:58:02] And three is to titrate the experience like you don’t have to dive in the deep end. A lot of people, if you think of new year’s Eve new year’s resolutions, people like going to the gym every day and they go to the gym the first day and they do a two and a half hour workout and they can’t move for a week.
[00:58:19] Do they go back to the gym at all? Probably not in the neck until the next year when they make the resolution again, we want to teach our survival brain that we can do this. We want to make it a rewarding and positive experience. So like the prepaid thing comes in really well. Like I think, I, I think if I go for a half an hour, I can have a good time and still leave resourced.
[00:58:44] So my survival brain, doesn’t associate going to events with example, Austrian and depletion, what it is, uh, you know, like going to the gym. How much can I actually do? I haven’t worked out in 16 months, socially, you know, social engagements. How, how much can I handle? Do I have a, a friend that can meet for coffee for literally 15 minutes and tell them, like, I’m not sure I can handle this.
[00:59:07] I might have to like order my coffee to go, but just like gentle baby workout so that we can, we can build up our muscles without aching or feeling depleted so much afterwards. So those are literally titrating allowing ourselves to, to get stronger at this. Very Western to, or it’s very human to try to like do it all at once and do it all in a week.
[00:59:34] Um, I, from an energy physio, energetic, emotional energetic standpoint, a hundred days is a good way of thinking about like right birding something and little bits can be really a huge impact for you. Little bits. So
[01:00:08] I work with someone who is very anxious with a telephone and you’re forever like even thinking about calling someone, we tapped on thinking about calling someone. Having their number with no pressure. In fact, a specific boundary that said, no, you’re not going to call them today. Even if you feel great, like, oh, I want to call them great.
[01:00:32] You’re going to sit with the desire. And when that may seem to someone like quite therapy, like, oh, I’ve got this problem. And I’m in therapy on it
[01:00:48] all are all real skills, real valuable skills. If you overdo it at the front end, what happens? You get frustrated, you get discouraged, you have expectations about how you’re supposed to be. Like, I should be able to do this within a week. Um,
[01:01:16] so by giving yourself like the word, right. High paid is a chemical word, right? Yeah. Baby steps, micro steps.
[01:01:34] For example, my micro step on the trail was the start with like, people were not even saying hello to each other other than very cursory. So my first micro step was to start noticing people that seem to be more relaxed. So as I would like move off the trail or they would, I just, my micro step was to use my sensors.
[01:02:02] How anxious are they? And I would even use a zero to 10, like, oh, they’re anxious at an eight. Oh, they’re not anxious at all. They’re just, and then there’d be someone who’s like. No, they’re anxious, but they’re anxious about having a dog is off awfully. You’re not supposed to, and they’re looking, they have that look on their face.
[01:02:20] It started discerning and, and, and then after about a week of that, it was, I would make a comment about something that I scene or the day, or, you know, the kind of social dang, and to just be open to what, but not all, but only two people that didn’t strike me as being in their own world or anxious. And what I started noticing was that my body started getting acclimated to re-engaging with people.
[01:02:57] And I think there’s a lot about the association. We are a lot like Pavlov’s dogs. If every time we socialize, we’re beating ourselves up and driving ourselves. We’re just going to associate socializing with a lot of effort and pain. If we can go and re like good job, I did it. I wouldn’t talk to three.
[01:03:15] Like I’m very, very shy. So when I first started socializing, I would go out every Friday night to a local bar where there were some very nice people. And I would have to, my agreement with myself is I would go for one hour and I would talk to three people. I could, it could be two words, but like, that was my thing.
[01:03:32] And. After a while I would end up spending it, we go and play pool and we’d hang out. It was really fun and I’d spend five or six hours there, but it started, I just, my goal was to go and do a little bit. And I started associating with not being as painful. Like it was like, I was kind of fun. Those people are saying hi to me.
[01:03:50] Cause I, and it could be simple. Like, could you pass me the peanuts or something? And that was, that was okay to talk kind of talk. I just set the bar really low. So I could just start getting there at associate my brain with, oh, it’s fun to be around people. Wow. So one of the things that we can do with tapping is we can actually use our imagination to take a step that’s even smaller than maybe we would ever give ourselves permission to pick.
[01:04:22] Right. So if there’s a, if there’s something that you want to do and you’re feeling some anxiety about it,
[01:04:40] Um, I’m, you could take an even smaller step, but I’d like you to imagine that you walked into the room and you’re invisible. Okay. Intentionally like your superpower is and visibility. And for a few seconds you just kind of scan the room and get a feel for what’s happening and then notice how your body responds, what comes up for you.
[01:05:20] It could be something as straightforward as I don’t want to be here. If that’s what’s coming up. I don’t want to be here. I didn’t want to be here. Can you tell this sort of a reflex, like, I don’t want to be here. I don’t want to be here. I don’t want to be here when it feels like that that’s a reflex in your primitive brain.
[01:05:40] I don’t want to be here. I don’t want to be here. I don’t want to be here. I don’t want to be here. I don’t want to be here. I don’t want to be here. I don’t have to be here. I don’t want to be here. I don’t want to be here. What I’m picking up on. So under what I’m picking up on.
[01:06:02] So again, you just scan the room. What are you picking up on? Okay.
[01:06:14] It could be, it could be anything really. We, we, humans relate in a lot of ways for me in one event. Um, there was a sense of there being unfinished business. That’s the term that I got unfinished business, but one of the people that was there. And so just imagining myself going into the event, I don’t want to be here.
[01:06:39] That’s what came up. Am I socially anxious and my week? No, that’s just, my, this has been my imagination. They don’t even know I’m there. I’m invisible. Um, I don’t want to be here. Okay. I don’t want to be here. The truth is I don’t want to be here. Tap, tap, tap until you come out of the reaction of that. And you’ve got some resource to be more aware.
[01:07:02] Why? Oh, unfinished business. Oh, I’ve got unfinished business with that person and I don’t want to be around that right now.
[01:07:19] I just needed this bike by taking baby steps, micro steps, putting yourself in, not. Even a normal, like, imagining that you’re actually go in and you go to talk to that person that you have unfinished business that could be downstream. You may do that in your imagination so that you call them yourself. So that it’s like, you know, this isn’t an event where we’re not going to be addressing that unfinished business.
[01:07:45] And it’s okay for that to be an energy between us and that doesn’t interfere with the fact that I actually do want to be there for the things that matter. And I can set this aside. You’re not going to pick up on that kind of subtlety if you’re still in the, I don’t want to be here reaction. If I walk into a place and I don’t have my invisibility cloak and I get that, I don’t want to be here.
[01:08:16] I will say, oh, where’s the restroom. And I will go to the restroom. I’ll wash my hands and I will tap. I don’t want to be here. I may not say it out loud. I think that I’m going to be hurt. I’m going to be done.
[01:08:32] what’s up with this? Oh, I’m actually feeling pretty soft. I’m feeling like I just want to be on the outskirts and I was heading right into the middle of things. Oh, you know, there’s an outdoor Harris that got feels so good to me. I’m going to go to the outside terrace. Wow. The sun’s going down. The birds are out.
[01:08:55] There are other people that are avoiding the big loud party stuff right now. And we’re all out there and you see what I mean? It. I again, like I could have some people that would hear this and write a comment on YouTube that that says, ah, you’re, you know, you should be stronger than that. Come on. You need to man up.
[01:09:18] Um, no, I know I’m really clear that my guidance system will sometimes give me that. I don’t want to be here. You get my attention so that I call myself the skill of calming myself. Where’s the bathroom. I always ask that you don’t want you to go behind the potted plant. They really don’t. Um, and wait until I get clear about my guidance, like where is it feeling right for me.
[01:09:55] And if it’s time to take an exit, I can, because I’ve already given myself that choice. But I will say that that impulse as you come into a space, if you get that, like, I don’t want to be here. Don’t assume that that’s actually what’s. It can be a redirection. I know that that a lot of, lot of trainings teach you to push through at that point, so that you go get your an hour there and three people that you’ve promised yourself that you would get, um, that works for some people, obviously worked for cafe that would not work for me.
[01:10:37] Um, I needed something where I could, I could really drop back until I felt my guidance about where to be, how to connect and things. And I still do that to this day. And it results in some really beautiful synchronistic experiences. You know, including the other last night I was feeling this, um, it’s we had, uh, someone, I didn’t know that my partner had gone for a long walk with, um, they came back in the rain.
[01:11:10] I had tossed a towel down that had bopped her in the head, um, that it kind of triggered a little bit of embarrassment. I went and took care of myself. She wasn’t upset. And then I like, once I felt into it, it was like, you know, it’d be nice. I feels like they’re having a good time. It’d be nice to go down and see if they’d like to have dinner.
[01:11:29] And we had a wonderful dinner if I had, if I had stayed in the anxious space and not given my self the time to calm it down, then we never would have had the really great experience. And that’s what I want. That’s why we do this work. So that bribing experiences that are available in so many situations, you can attune yourself to.
[01:11:53] Yeah. Um, and I think part of it is when I was first doing this, I didn’t have tapping, like when I would go to the bar and spend an hour, I just, I was using it as an issue, like an item of teaching myself that socializing can be good. Um, we do have a program breaking out of your shell. If, if you want some support and ideas on how to be more socially outgoing and engaging, I think it’s not like walking into the center of the party, but we do have a program breaking out of your shell.
[01:12:21] It’s at the intimacy dosha.com forward slash B O Y S for breaking out of your shell. Um, if you want to take a look at that and Rick has the center as well. If you’re new to that thriving now.center, I put that in the chat as well. Um, one of the things I’ve noticed that’s really stood out and I, it came up when you were sharing this Rick fi when I’m very afraid and when I’m very tired, the feelings of my body are very similar.
[01:12:48] Both of them. I tend to be achy and tense and my energy is low. If I’m very scared, I’m off. I want my survival brain wants to take me away from activity. It wants me to go into it, cave where I’m safe. And when I’m, I’m very tired, that’s the same, you know, tired and fearful have similar. We want to retreat and hide.
[01:13:10] The thing is I’ve seen, I’ve worked with a lot of socially anxious people that are like, oh, I’m so exhausted from being around other people. And fear is tiresome. So there’s this kind of loop that goes on where our fear makes us more tired and then we want to retreat more. So we’re more afraid or more tired.
[01:13:29] And. Well, you know, especially after a pandemic, when our reemerging and our skills are rusty, I think if we can be gentle with ourselves, we can let ourselves, like, I don’t have to dive into the center of the party. I don’t have to stay so long. I can prepay, I love, we put it in the newsletter. It was like, Hey, I can call the host or hostess or email and say, Hey, listen, I may have to leave early as I can disrupt things.
[01:13:55] We don’t even have to say why. And then they’re already aware that we might have to leave early and it can, it can kind of make it that much easier. I want it to be easy for us to take care of ourselves while we’re still being brave. You know, it’s like, okay, can I challenge myself, but not too much? And can I forgive myself when I don’t judge it?
[01:14:16] Well, When I go to the gym and I work out a little too hard or whatever, this is all a dance and we don’t have to ever get it. Perfect. We’re learning to connect with people intimately again in person. And it’s just something that is very fulfilling and rich and lovely. And also it’s scary each time. I never know when I meet someone new, if they’re going to be like, she’s super weird, or, oh my God, I love her.
[01:14:42] Or I could take her or leave her. Like my brain is wanting everyone to think I’m the cat’s Meow and I’m not going to be for everyone. None. And a lot of people are not the cat’s Meow for me. I’m like some people just have very different interests. You and I were kicking out on naked and afraid before the call started, I talked to some people about making an afraid.
[01:15:02] They’re like, oh my God, fuck. Like, they’re totally bored. So like, we’re gonna connect with people at different times in different ways. But if we’re not out there, if we don’t actually leave the house. It’s really hard to find connections. It’s really hard to engage with people and life is so much richer.
[01:15:21] And I think we, I also get to role model that we can be vulnerable and say, Hey, I’m feeling really anxious right now. I haven’t been around people. This isn’t, you know, when I can, I, I share the level of truth. I feel safe enough to do in the group, but I just started practicing like, Hey, even with my engineering friends, I haven’t been around people too much.
[01:15:42] I feel really anxious. And most of them were like, oh my God, they got, you said, and I’m kind of freaking out that we’re not wearing masks when we’re, when we’re vulnerable. And we share what’s real for us. The right people are going to feel really engaged with us. There’s an authentic vulnerability. We’re still allowed to have privacy.
[01:15:59] We don’t have to share things we don’t want to, but when we share vulnerably with other people, Oh, it’s really weird to not wear a mask. I love getting the hug and that still feels like part of me wants to hold on really tight and not let go. A part of me wants to freak out and run and hide under the table, like when we would share those things.
[01:16:19] And sometimes I share them true vulnerably or to authentically, I guess people are like, oh, a little too much. It’s okay. Like when we starting dating with a lot of people, it starts getting normalized. Like, oh, sometimes I’m a little too much. Sometimes I’m a little too quiet too. And I’m just me each moment.
[01:16:40] And other people get to engage or not engage. What if I get to be me? When do I get to be me? What if I get to be me? What if I get to, maybe some situations are hostile to that. Some situations are hostile to that. And I’m aware of that. And I’m aware of that. What if it’s not all people, but if it’s not all people and I can use my sensors to pick up on that and I can use my sensors to pick up on that well for a little vulnerability and see what I get back, uh, for a little vulnerability and see what I get back.
[01:17:35] I’m learning how to call myself. I’m learning how to calm myself and be confident being me and to be confident being me. I love that
[01:17:49] someone shared in the chat that they have been trying to share with people they’ve lost their social skills over the pandemic. I’ve been telling people that I’ve become feral, which seems to make them laugh. Um, and I think they get the concept, but it’s kind of, I guess it’s kind of funny. So, you know, you’re welcome to if that, if that tickles you, it makes me laugh every time I say it.
[01:18:10] I imagine I’m this cat. That’s like kissing at people that wants to be petted, but it’s a little afraid, um, Berlin, if you like. So, um, I just want to thank you all for being here. I really admire people that work on the core issues that are holding us back and the fact that you’re here working on something.
[01:18:29] So talk, that’s a tough topic. A lot of people don’t want to look at it. We had so many more people registered that will listen to the replay. Because being here is scary for folks you’re looking directly at the thing. And I do think being in the group together is a very powerful way to watch that. So whether you watch the replay or not, congratulations on working on this, we really hope these three tips will help you clear and start getting back and, you know, riding that bike a little more easily or going to the social events and navigating them more easily.
[01:19:02] So your survival brain starts associating with fun again, and you can reemerge much more gracefully than you white. Mean, I are both email@example.com comes to the two of us. And so if you have a feedback, wisdom, celebrations, questions, things that you’d like from additional pointers too, that are very specific to you.
[01:19:30] Um, and you’re welcome to email us. Our community meets, uh, thriving now.center. And it’s a place where we get to cultivate some of these connections and being seen and being. You know, people get it, you have each other, then you’ll see that you don’t have to jump in post right away. A lot of people then the quite a bit of time, just observing and getting a sense for what the vibe is, where their invisibility cloak on.
[01:19:59] Yay. I love it. Um, and you’re welcome to do that. And we also welcome you as a participant. Have a wonderful evening. Hi.
- Our super sensitivity is a part of our skill set – if we use it skillfully
- We need connection in order for our primitive brain to calm (see above)
- Feeling like we “have to” is guaranteed to evoke anxious feelings. We need choice and exit. (See above)
- Small steps! And we can use tapping and our imagination to calm the noise and confidence our energy around why it MATTERS to us to engage and be present.
Great to have you on this journey with us!
That was a great session, Rick & Cathy. I’ve now committed to going to a “Going Away” party for this afternoon. I probably won’t know most of the people, other than the family and my family. I really liked how we talked about having an escape, I mean, exit plan. And that I don’t have to stay the whole time or even all that long.
I’m not really a shy person, but I’ve been out of that in person social thing for what seems like a long time, it seems strange to learn to be social again. And, other than church services, I don’t like and have never liked being in large crowds or gatherings.
As Cathy talked about, I’ve gotten used to a personal noise level that is really low. Which, pre-pandemic, was my normal mode of operandi. So I feel nervous venturing back out into more social scenarios. My state hasn’t been in all the lockdown as some states, and people are more relaxed here, but still, I have family that are SUPER cautious and some not. We’re in the middle.
For much of my life, I was not a huggy person, but the few years pre-pandemic, I’d become more huggy. Now I cautiously hug or not. I’m actually feeling a bit of anxiety now for the afternoon as I write this. Going to tap and deep breathe, read my Bible.
I have quite a bit of work here to do in neutralizing social anxiety.
Great workshop! Thank you, @Rick and @Cathy ! So many helpful things from it! I now have a better understanding of the importance of connection to calm myself. I already put this into action by asking people to be my emotional support connection on virtual trainings, like folks who will be visible to me. Just by telling them I needed that helped me relax. And thank you to @Norene who followed up with me during the session offering to be a support buddy for my presentation. She texted me very early from Hawaii’s time zone right before I presented and it put my mind at ease. This really helped!! I felt less alone. BTW, turned out to be only 300 not the 700 rsvp. I also focused on how I want to do this work presenting and how it matters to me, and that made me feel less trapped. Also, knowing I really do have an out did help that part of my brain, even if I don’t plan to use it. And, on a related note, I thought about what I learned from this session today as I awkwardly attended my first vaccinated Pride BBQ. I told folks I was afraid I lost my social skills and that seemed to help all of us, myself included. I could see everyone there feeling nervous and awkward. Funny to realize most of us are having a similar experience. Thanks, again!
@Dru, Bless you. Not only are you doing work that matters in the world, you’re changing the way it can be done. Asking for emotional support, allowing it, reflecting back to the circle how it all made a difference.