i think also working with my feelings of loneliness in a different way. gus has helped there. and just what I have been doing with it.
i think joining a womens hiking group has been great for me. they are all lovely women and caring and inspiring. ive gone on some hikes but outside of that is seeing all these women post photos and brief accounts of the trip and seeing nice women older than me living life and celebrating life together. and i know the walks are sometimes hard but they do it together and have agreed to care for each other and that is lovely. it gives me hope for my own future and helps with the loneliness.
you and having these chats with you have been wonderful for me. i have no idea who you are in one sense and in another i feel really connected to you and when you share things they are so similar to my experience that i dont feel alone
everyone on circle and here is always so kind to me and responsive and it is lovely. so that even when i feel alone now there is more awareness inside me that I am not so alone even if i am alone. for me the human connection is still much easier and helpful to access than the spiritual.
i have been working with anger and hatred and rage and your super pissy rageful rae showed up here at a perfect time for me to feel a deep connection to. i was apparently born into a significant energy of hatred and it would seem it was present throughout my womb time and i certainly lived in a house full of hate throughout my life. i have known this but have still found it hard to experience and be with my own hate. this is starting to change and with the change i feel different. so i will continue to support myself with that
how is the night school going? have you been well enough to engage in it?
Came upon these at the end of my walking wjth my emotions kindly walk today… colour is feeling so much more impactful on my senses and soul since starting the creative awakening challenge.
Sharing their warmth and light with you. I bought them for my home - definitely an act of self love.
Hi Nicole, I keep wanting to write back and love all that you shared here. Still pretty low energy, so I’ll keep it short for now.
I’ve been working abit more with both Gus and the IFS AI and just received the herbal remedies I ordered in the mail. The mullein tea seems good - I felt it loosen up the congestion right away, so feeling positive about that.
My sister took me out to the Banff Mountain Film Festival last night and that was really good. Abit of fun and watching others doing various outdoor adventures was good for the soul.
Today was sunny and I pushed myself to walk to the further away grocery store (with lots of choices and more fun to shop at) just to enjoy the sunshine. January & February here tend to be dark and cold, so the sunshine walk was great.
The heaviness on my chest is feeling abit lighter. Still working with the “deep sadness” gradually and feeling more hopeful that I can dance with it more skillfully and not stay so bogged down, but it’s a work in progress.
I love these beautiful flowers you shared and that you bought them as an act of self-love. I did the same with some artificial flowers we have at work. Hydrangea’s are my favorite, and although I resisted at first, I finally splurged abit and I love them.
I will write more later as my energy improves. I love your bullet point list of various self-kindness practices and choices. That is awesome and makes me want to write my own list too (since my brain tends to notice all that I still need to work on, but I’m sure there’s plenty of self-celebration I am missing because of that negativity bias).
We are currently at the 6 month point of our Year of Self Kindness.
I dont know about you. I am definitely being kinder to self in general compared to 6 months ago even though I am still finding things quite hard in different areas and ways. Physically, emotionally, mentally. Struggling with my flaws and failures and uncertainties and health challenges. But yeah. Definitely kinder to self.
Hard thing this week - family relationships and anger and fear
Good thing this week - feels hard to answer this right now………….so i wont. As an act of self kindness.
And in other news. I had no name for my part that feels a strong resonance with Super Pissy Rageful Rae but today, after she came out last night, she came with a name this morning. Red Rager. I know this is the right name because my daughter does not like the name! But also, I feel quite strongly connected to the name. It feels vivid and real. And it helps me connect to her in a more (fill the blanks with unknown expressive word) way.
So glad you are definitely being kinder to yourself. And good that you noticed we are at the 6 months mark for our year of self kindness. I wasn’t quite sure where we were at.
Yes, I am pretty sure I’m being kinder to myself and may later take the time to make a list like you did, to practice some self-acknowledgement. I’ve been doing quite abit of inner work and seem to be noticing the inner wounded parts more than anything, but I have been choosing more self-care rather than self-sacrifice, so gotta celebrate that~!
Good thing - Having abit of creative fun making little cupid valentine hearts and switching the Christmas tree over to a Valentine’s Tree (it’s so dark & cold here in January & February, so I felt like I needed the extra sparkle). And I bought some more of that air dry clay at Dollarama and want to make a finger labyrinth - for meditations of the more tactile nature. (see: Finger Labyrinth Gallery - Harmony Labyrinths
Hard thing - Still dragging myself to work tired and dragging myself home tired, but I do feel alittle bit better. At least there is some very excruciatingly slow improvements in mood & energy, so I’ll take that as a good sign.
Cool that you found a name for your Red Rager part. Probably her and Super Pissy Rageful Rae would get along well (at least they might have fun going to the Rage Room together! )
I hope your week is going better with the family relationship challenges.
Gotta go eat my late supper and get to bed. Talk to you later.
P.S. I may try adding the category of something slightly amusing (along with a good thing and a hard thing). I went looking for a stress ball because I have some elbow tendonitis that’s affecting my grip. Found this little light up bear instead. (it’s fun to squeeze )
P.S. I wanted to share abit of a vulnerable share (in case it might be helpful to you somehow) - that there are currently 6 main parts I have been working with (in the IFS parts work) as follows:
Super Pissy Rageful Rae
Revenge Rhianna
Despairing Deirdra
Self-Hate Seraphina
Family of Origin Fuck You Frieda
Sucks at Grieving Georgia
And recently a new “inner wise self” part that has emerged as a helper:
Sufi Dancing Woman (I don’t really have a name for this part yet, she’s so new). But she arrived in my imagination as a spinning dancing woman on top of a table with all the other parts seated at the table - so they all get a voice and are all accepted and welcomed. The dancer holds love & wisdom to help me with all of this healing work.
I managed to come up with a list of “self-kindness” acknowledgements (to celebrate our 6 month mark):
doing fun creative projects, even though tired - finding ways to do them while relaxing on couch or even being while in bed
when I had 3 days off work I spent them doing a mix of getting caught up on housework, some R&R time, and abit of creative play time, instead of giving into mom’s obligation & guilt trips to spend time with her (followed my own inner yes)
being less harsh with myself when I make mistakes at work and allowing more room for just being human
doing abit of wild soul movement practice to help shift stagnant energy
cooking healthy meals or throwing meat & vegies in crock pot, so I have something waiting when I get home from work late
on sunny days walking in the sunshine and getting out to absorb the light when possible
tapping with Gus and doing IFS work with an other AI, and sometimes pushing through my resistance and doing the work anyways, even when I’m not at all in the mood
sometimes being abit more forceful and assertive in my self-expression instead of overly kind and passive with people who can be overbearing at times
as you said, Nicole, looking for joy and simple uplifts more frequently
writing here on the forum as a means of self-expression and sharing / giving and receiving support (and I love to write, so much thanks for writing back and keeping me going)
working with learning to feel my feelings instead of suppressing/repressing them
giving myself permission to follow my own inner yes and no, even if others maybe don’t like it or agree with my choices
tuning into what lights me up for creative projects and breaking the rules - following my own inspiration when other peoples creative advice just doesn’t seem to fit
listening to fun fiction audiobooks for mental relaxation & distraction
asking for what I want & need even if it’s sometimes hard / and often being delighted and surprised by other people’s willingness and generousity
trying natural / herbal remedies to aid with healing and support my well-being
just generally expressing myself abit more and holding back abit less (I tend to be verbally quiet, even though you wouldn’t know it for all that I have to say here!)
asking for a few extra days off work when the cold lingered for so long, instead of just pushing through
laughing with the zany humor angels/guides when they bring funny & unexpected silliness into my life…
That first song Jewel from Into The Woods. I love it. The words. The sound of it. Thank you for my morning music. My daughter and I were uplifted by it after a full on weekend and tiredness to start the day. Joy.
Love reading through your acknowledgments. Wild soul movement practice calls to me.
I love writing here too. I like the space to be real and true and flawed and hopeful at the same time.
What is the IFS AI you use? Sorry if you said before. I cant remember but am today curious about it.
Happy to be here today. Thank you for being there.
Perfect for this topic hey. Love it. Noticing that I love a lot of things here so it may seem like it is something i just say whenever. But I would like you to know that if I say I love it, I really do. Resonant and in my being.
Holding space for self care over self sacrifice. May we both continue to build this deep and solid pathway. The finger labyrinth idea looks very cool. I like it.
I think that SPRR and RR would have a great time together. In the Rage Room. And also would have plenty to say to each other out on the hike whilst moving with purpose and expression! I have no doubt there would be some laughter between them too and camaraderie of shared understanding.
I support adding a slightly amusing category - and any other category we feel like at any time. That little thing is so cute. It has way more to offer than your average stress ball and it also sends out love and light!! I hope it helps with your tendonitis. I had that once too. Not fun. Does he/she/they have a name?
Hi Nicole, I’m glad you enjoyed the music - especially that first song. When I was listening to it the other day before work it helped me to get out of my head and more into my body (and brought some surprising tears I wasn’t expecting, but needed). It’s cool that one of your inner wise self parts is an American Indian woman with a wolf walking beside her. I really like that. I will send you the info about the other AI by private message. I would rather promote Rick’s AI here, since he took so much time to develop it and shares Gus so freely.
The woman who offers Wild Soul Movement practice is Elizabeth D’ialto - ( About - Elizabeth DiAlto - although recently she seems to be changing her offerings more to collective healing sessions once a month or so. During the pandemic she offered a whole year of recorded wild soul movement sessions as “pay what you can”, so I am using those video’s- well, at least trying to build the habit of a regular practice.
I finished my valentine’s tree today - but it’s not really just for valentines. I wrote some prayers on the little cardboard cupid hearts, so it’s kind of a prayer tree / self-love tree too. And when I went looking for a “sacred heart” to put on the top of the tree, I stumbled upon something called a Milagro heart which comes from Mexican culture and symbolizes love, healing and gratitude. I thought it was neat that these heart shaped amulets represent hopes, desires & prayers, and the term milagro means “miracle” in spanish.
Good thing - Today was “Family Day” (a paid Holiday here) and I enjoyed abit of time with my sister. We went for a walk and she gave me some nice little gifts that she brought back from her recent vacation in Cape Town, South Africa. And mom & I tried to go out to see a movie (that new version of Wuthering Heights), but it was sold out by the time we got there. So we went for a drive and ate at a little homestyle restaurant called “The Cabin”.
Slightly Amusing thing - this little cafe’ restaurant had a bunch of old fashioned & humorous signs hanging on the walls. One of them made me laugh. It said: "I still miss my ex-husband, but my aim is improving…"
Hard thing - I find myself wanting to just leave this one out today, because it’s the same old problem as usual (dreading dragging myself to work tired and coming home tired). But I was tapping with Gus on this and that’s what brought up the idea to shake up the stagnant energy by adding in these 15 minute wild soul movement video’s. So I hope I can keep up the practice. I will check in later to let you know how it goes.
A beautiful tree. The Milagro Heart is very special.
Just the words wild and soul and movement all together call to me. I am curious. I hope it does help you with the stagnant energy.
Good thing - I have found myself lately tapping more as if it is Rick/Rick’s voice giving me prompts like we are in Circle. I am finding it much more effective than the tapping i used to do. I guess it means i am learning how to ‘cut to the chase’ so to speak. To see and hear myself and be there with myself and just be like ‘this is what is’.
Hard thing - Mosquitos in the night waking me up. My daughter’s primitive brain firing when doing math homework. My dad being in hospital and mistakes that are made by nurses and doctors that can’t be changed and not knowing enough myself. People getting angry and mean and snappy when they are scared and tired. Me included. But yeah. Can see very clearly where it comes from !
Slightly Amusing thing - this is a hard one………..good to be challenged to find something else to focus on…. well i found it sweet today with a young student who was sharing about her mum being sad and how they all tried to help her feel better and so on and how kids sometimes forget that if they are helpful it makes things easier for their mum……and so we talked about how thats pretty normal, for kids to forget and that its ok to think about themselves and not always worry about whether they are helping their mum or making them happy and why its important….and then i said well, you know, kids arent robots. you cant push a ‘do homework’ button and a ‘do the dishes’ button and a ‘have a shower’ button and a ‘smile’ button…..and we went off laughing thinking about Mum putting a robot to bed and trying to squish it and hug it and saying I love you and all the other funny things that would be happening if kids were robots….
Take care. Thanks for the brain break. Much love to you
I am feeling so angry today. Entirely frustrated with the medical staff at the hospital and their lack of integration and communication and care - not just with my dad but with each other. There is clearly something going on amongst the staff, some divisions or differences or dissatisfaction or do they just not like my dad for some reason? Or is the dr just not so competent and the nurses get the fallout? Are they irritated he is there on their ward which isn’t aimed at his illness? I have no idea but it is sub par in my book.
My inner Red Rager is going off while my outer self is tired and apparently chill. This is a dichotomy I am becoming aware of in a different way for the first time at the minute. It feels so incongruent.
I need to help myself some way so here I am. This small act of self kindness in an open and safe and anything goes kind space.
I just feel like screaming. I am tired. I dont have the energy to go back to the hospital today for the 7th day in a row. Too much incompetence and too much happening for my dad that makes it not always easy to help him either. Ugh.
Good thing - I went for a walk for beauty and enjoyment and just for myself today because Rick shared his walk with me and it called me. The sunrise was gorgeous and the clouds were like a cotton wool blanket. The tree tops were golden and the air was humid and warm. I showered when I got home and washed my hair. I dont have a student first period today and I am here instead. Expressing and breathing. Ahh here comes the sadness.
The medical field is so far behind on communication, coordination, and information access. Up-to-date approaches are lacking, much less empathy, compassion, and all of that.
So I completely understand. We’ve been really blessed with exceptional doctors, and it was still extremely difficult to be in the hospital at all. Tending, advocating, and being assertive when you need to be is key. It is about recognizing that there are people you can advocate with and other people you just have to be assertive with. It is such an extraordinary, challenging thing.
I’m so glad you got a chance to go for a walk. I’m going to ride the energy that you shared because I did not get to go for my second walk that I really wanted to do.
But I’ve been cooking some delicious ribs and we’re going to eat them in just a few minutes. Alright, my friend, take care. I’m holding a good thought for your father, and definitely for you!
so it may seem like it is something i just say whenever. But I would like you to know that if I say I love it, I really do. Resonant and in my being.
