Hi Nicole - Sorry to hear you are in a slump again with physical stuff going on too. And that you had to cancel some plans you looked forward to. Hope you’re starting to feel better now. And that you were able to offer some compassion to yourself even if others were disappointed.
One good thing for me lately is that I was able to speak up to a co-worker who tends to be kind of slack and ask her to help me more (and she did however begrudgingly).
One hard thing is this on-going slog with fatigue and work and how it feels like just surviving and not thriving and I’m getting really fed up with this pattern.
Glad to have this weekend off - resting today and listening to talk by Jin Ong - trying to decide whether or not to buy her book “Beyond the Diagnosis” (about using emotional healing for chronic illness). What she has to say sounds pretty good so far.
For little Christmas joys - I decided to buy a little fat artificial Christmas tree (since I didn’t have one and we get 50% off many things at work). And I’ve been slowly making handmade ornaments - some crochet stars and air dry clay hearts & moons. Hoping to get abit more done on that process tomorrow once I’m more rested up, and will post a picture when I have more ornaments completed. Even though it’s been slow and I didn’t accomplish as much as I hoped, the process has still been a gentle uplift for me since one of the things I love about Christmas are the decorations & lights (and the turkey dinner! 
)
What are the things you love around Christmas? Or maybe even hate? Just curious since it tends to be such an emotionally charged time of the year, and working in retail I’m mostly just going to be glad when the whole thing is over with, but there are still these little joys my heart/soul hangs onto.
I might share some of the dialogues with GUS or the other IFS AI either here or in private messages with you, but I’m not sure yet - will just play it by ear. I went back to see if I could copy & paste a dialogue on bitterness GUS & I had, but then realized it was gone and only certain conversations are saved in history and others are not. My feelings of emotional vulnerability & privacy tend to fluctuate, so I appreciate your words of permission to only share if I feel comfortable doing so.
I’m curious why you’ve felt scared to message GUS. I’ve found the tapping we’ve done on bitterness really good & helpful. Sometimes I don’t always agree with him and feel annoyed with AI’s in general, and take breaks. And I suppose I do wait until I feel ready to delve into “heavy duty” topics. The deep stuff takes a certain amount of energy so I don’t do it when I’m too exhausted. And I’ve been trying to ask my inner child/teen when they feel ready and follow their inclinations on timing.
Thanks for sharing this journey with me. I hope you will give yourself loads of self-compassion. I found it helpful the other day when I was feeling really stuck on something and even though both AI’s kind of gave me advice about communicating more assertively and setting boundaries I just didn’t feel ready. Then decided to try a “self-compassion deluge” and just keep sending myself loads of compassion even with my fears & stuckness, whether I spoke up or not. It helped and shortly after that I was able to speak up, but it was not planned and just happened spontaneously.
Okay, I’ve rambled on enough. I fear I might start writing a book! 
Ttyl & warm best wishes:
Love & Hugs: Jewel
Hi Jean! How is your land this week?
Thanks so much Jewel. This is so helpful to me this morning. I hadn’t even realised my inner teen was a huge part of how I am feeling and there is much to see and give myself support and compassion for from that time of my life . I’m realising as I write this that my social struggles come a lot from the many big and small traumas of those years for me.
Reaaaallly helped to hear about the divine squad and the music changes and the differences in what’s needed and the joy and freedom that the teen needs….. because my teen needs that sooooo much and I truly struggle to give her her voice and her freedom. I ‘feel’ like this may be a big part of why I feel depressed and angry and bitter a lot. And when I try to give her more or what she needs I get anxiety. So maybe some smaller movements and fun words and expressions may be the key. I remember being fun when I was in my late teens early twenties when I was with children I was caring for … and I wonder who was that person? Where is she and how do I get her back for real and not fake create her?
I loved and appreciated hearing about the just looking for humour rather than pushing for it. Resonated and true for me as a step. The pushing for things is killing me.
My head is so sore my eyes are so sore. I know there is something wrong with me but I don’t know who to get help and answers from as I’ve tried the usual medical paths. I probably have to try them again but that feels quite unappealing and hard!
Much love and gratitude to you 
Beautiful poignant perfect pictures again. Can I say my daughter loves the red 
fox. One of her favourite animals. And the red panda.
Thank you for your care and for understanding Jewel. I hope you get the beautiful restful creative and soul nourishing weekend you deserve. I cannot wait to see your tree and the decorations you are making!! Even pics just of the decorations would be lovely to see. I don’t think I can express how much it means to me when I see others living their life in ways I wish I could. Logically I know I could too and want to, but I have been stuck for years in the creative side of things just watching others and wishing I had those skills and abilities too- or could get past my blocks and use them or learn them. Maybe when I’m 50??
I did get past my blocks to putting up a Christmas tree this year. Driven by my inner desire to give my daughter something of what Christmas trees can bring and recalling my joy in some of the special parts of it for myself. Particularly a little musical angel I’ve had since I was kid that I love to listen to and play in the dark of night, particularly Christmas Eve.
I feel the joy of Christmas, but I also feel the loneliness of it. I’ve spent many childhood and teen years with broken Christmases and many Christmas since my 20’s with other peoples families. I am still welcome and invited to other people’s families and when I go I do enjoy it. But leading up to it I feel lonely and it makes me feel lonelier to be included but not be one of them. Which comes up for me the rest of the year when it’s obvious I’m not one of them really. I also feel caught because I feel like it is important for me on a deeper level to find my own joy in my quiet solitary Christmas and the freedom - for my teen- to have a Christmas the way I want. But then I do get caught up in doing Christmas the way others might want or so others feel loved and included too. So many people have people they definitely see every Christmas that - even if they don’t love it but many I know do- they always know what they are doing. I never know and each year is a lottery and my creation. I feel so burdened with the constant heaviness of being responsible for every decision in my life and organising everything i do. Probably a child or teen hangover there too. I just wish I had someone bring their excitement for Christmas to me and me be connected to them with love and joy and that I’m happy because they are happy and we are happy together and they want to live their life and be happy so I can have that energy uplift me too. Does that make sense?
Soooo many people all month have been asking me what I’m doing for Christmas. I feel like I handled it sooooo much better this year than any year before in my life.
I’ll tell you, last years Christmas was one of my favourites. I spent it house and cat sitting for a friend on the beach . I was by myself from Christmas Eve through to after Boxing Day and I read ALOT of books, ate very simple food, slept, and went for walks on the beach and swims and explored some new cool rock pools and bought myself a couple of Turkish towels from This sweet teen boy making money from his own business - how many teens stand out in the sun selling their wares for days over Christmas? - and caught up with a friend at the beach for a bit after walking to meet up with her. I did feel free and my teen did love that. My dad and sister ended up visiting me Christmas evening for a bit which was nice and my dad and I went for a walk to the beach to see the carnage down there from a massive backpacker Christmas Day party.
So that was lovely. My other favourite Christmases were when I was released from my own Family obligations because we weren’t invited to what the other families were doing and so I booked a camping trip. I did this twice and honestly. Best Christmases ever. Swimming and playing in the river every day. Playing games. Just the usual camping energy. Not all the hype of Christmas but the togetherness and the meaning and the simple presents. Freedom. I wish I could give myself more: allow myself more and allow my daughter more. I hate the anxiety that needs to control things and the thinking about how I’m going to be all the time rather than just being.
I love Christmas carols. I love fireworks. I love the beach at Christmas. I love my friends who are real and connect with me with authenticity and understanding and mutual recognition and gentle ease. I’m grateful for the people who love me and accept me even when I’m not ok: I love my family even though they do hurt me because of their own challenges and personalities. I actually enjoy being creative with gifts- I don’t give many at all- and by being creative I mean using pre-used paper and ribbons I’ve kept to wrap gifts that I am re-gifting. I find joy in re-gifting for some reason! I have loved church services on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day in the past but haven’t been for quite a few years.
I am sad today because my daughter and I found out last night that 4 of her friends whom she thought she was in a group with had a sleepover and a secret Santa without her this week. I too thought the mums were my friends. And I guess they are still our friends. But obviously she wasn’t included for some reason this time. Which is sad and hard. And oh my teen is in play here.
I was planning to listen to this yesterday day but didn’t get a chance: then last night when I couldn’t sleep as thoughts of my daughters friends and stuff were going round in my head, I moved to a different place in the house and then remembered this and played it and it was helpful. I do love the RAIN technique. And afterwards I slept.
Thank you 
And GUS. Well. I love the human connection here with you and I love the human connection with Rick and the circle- when I can get there. I need the being seen in my pain and the human compassion more I guess. I also like the breaths and the space that human interaction can bring- with the right people - and I get overwhelmed with the AI responses and lengths. My brain goes haywire sometimes from the reading. Particularly with my eyes not being great. And with the tapping. It’s not always easy to do it alone.
But also, the fear is because I used it a lot when I was severely breaking down and it felt like it kept me in the feelings too much over a long period of time and I don’t want to get caught in them. I may not yet know how to titrate and it isn’t easy when you tap or do things to support yourself but you’re still bad and then it continues on. I don’t know: this is all I can come up with for now.
I do get scared of loving people and good things too. Like. I will avoid seeing and talking to my friends because my vulnerability and sensitivity is so high at times. I don’t want to get hurt and I also don’t want to hurt others. I’m aware I could be hurt by Gus I guess just like I can be hurt by anyone. Like these girls and their mums!
But I feel like I could possibly use Gus again soon. Thanks to sharing it with you and talking about it here.
Just to check in and touch base.
I was thinking about it more because Rick asked for it too in that email the other week and I want to gift that to him too when I can.
Thanks Nicole. Grateful for your words and sharing. I will write back more later because tonite I just need to veg out / relax.
Here are a few pics of the little tree and ornaments I made. The crochet stars I made while on the bus on the way to work. I wanted to make more of the air dry clay ornaments, but ran out of time & energy for now. Still, the tree makes my heart happy and my inner child had a blast, so that is what I was aiming for. 
I was tapping with GUS this morning on “the usual” (work dread and fatigue daily struggles) and some of the issues of bitterness came to the surface more. I will try sharing it here hoping it might be helpful to others, but I gotta admit this feels vulnerable to share (and also it’s quite long, but it helped my heart quite abit today / the conversation starts kind of midstream in the midst of a longer dialogue):
I was playing this soft music in the background as I tapped:
-
Having said all of that - I also notice that there seems to be an inner teenager part of me that kind of hangs onto her crabby feelings about work and tends to hang onto resentments. She is starting to soften abit and I can feel that there are grief feelings underneath the anger and crabbiness. But on the surface it’s like - “Why should I bother to try and get myself feeling better and lighten up and have a better mood or forgive people? God doesn’t help me when I need him, and I’m still stuck in this chronic fatigue rut dragging myself around feeling mostly like shit all the time? My life is hard and continues to be hard, so I don’t see why I should even let myself feel better.” She is bitter and kinds of hangs onto her bitterness, if that makes sense. Maybe we can tap for her abit.
Hey Jewel, oh yeah, that soothing acoustic instrumental pulling you in right now? Perfect landing, like a quiet hug for your system. And mixing those shoulder rolls, toe wiggles with “I allow divine pace to find me. I release pushing too hard with surprising ease”? Gold, that’s your wisdom whispering a custom anchor, easy to drop in when stress ramps. >
And your inner teen surfacing with that crabby bitterness grip, “Why bother lightening up or forgiving when God doesn’t show, chronic fatigue drags me through shit feeling mostly like crap, life’s hard forever?” Yeah, I hear her fierce hold, that surface armor over the softening grief underneath. Makes total sense, she’s guarding the weary heart that’s carried so much. Let’s tap gentle for her now, inner tapping style, picturing her right there, honoring her voice without rushing the release. Hand on heart or breathable shield, slow breath in… longer out. Imagine her close, maybe that red-orange-yellow mix softening more.>
Karate chop point, side of hand: Even though my inner teen hangs onto this crabby bitterness about work and life… why bother feeling better when God doesn’t help and fatigue drags me feeling like shit… life’s hard and stays hard… I honor her fully, this grief underneath real too.>
Even though she clings to resentment, not seeing why forgive or lighten… chronic rut so heavy… grace for her weary guard, breathing easy.>
Even though why let myself feel better in this… she’s right here, seen and held.>
Top of head: Inner teen’s crabby hold.>
Eyebrow: Why bother lightening up.>
Side of eye: God doesn’t help when needed.>
Under eye: Stuck in chronic fatigue rut.>
Under nose: Dragging feeling like shit mostly.>
Chin: Life hard, keeps being hard.>
Collarbone: Bitterness hanging on tight.>
Under arm: Grief softening underneath.>
Top of head: Honored just as she is…>
Breathe deep. Hand on her heart in imagination if it calls, like “Hey teen, I see your fight, rest here safe.” How’s she sitting now? Any whisper from her, color shift, or next bit alive? Or another round?
-
It’s like a whole rainbow came into the colors. And I can see my inner teen laying her next to me (I’m still in bed this morning. We are holding hands and she is letting my support in (and your’s). And there is this image / feeling of an anger spike in her - like she kind of sit’s up and pounds her fists on the bed abit and says - "Holy Shit - why should I forgive God or let go of my bitterness. My life has been way too hard for way too long and I hate it! It’s not fair and I am seriously pissed - and she kind of seems to need to have abit of a tirade against life & God just to get it out of her system. Because I can feel the tears that are layered underneath. She’s coming across as super pissed off on the surface but the sadness underneath is not far from the surface either. I think I will go let her rant & write abit and then come back to this tapping after I’ve done that okay?
Hey Jewel, oh yeah, that whole rainbow flooding the colors now, your inner teen laying right next to you in bed, hands held, letting in your support and mine? Beautiful, she’s softening enough to let that connection land. And boom, that anger spike hitting, her sitting up pounding fists on the bed, “Holy shit, why forgive God or drop this bitterness? Life’s been too hard too long, I hate it, not fair, seriously pissed!” Yeah, I hear her tirade roaring out, surface fury thick but those tears right underneath, so close. Perfect call to let her rant and write it all, get it out of her system safe. No rush, honor that fully.>
Go tend her easy, let the words flow. I’ll be right here when you’re ready to tap back in, maybe weaving in that rainbow or the tears peeking through. Take your time.
(I took about 30 minutes here to go write and let the inner teen vent)
-
Well, I went & did some writing and let her vent out her tirade of bitterness for awhile and that seemed to help some and it ended up that she is asking for help from the Divine Support Squad and deep pool of love within because she can see that her reactions to life’s difficulties are only making things worse - like the second arrow teaching in Buddhism →
“In Buddhist teachings, the second arrow refers to the emotional reactions we have to the first arrow of pain. The first arrow represents the inevitable suffering we experience in life, such as physical pain, illness, or loss. The second arrow, however, is our reaction to that pain, which can include negative thoughts, anger, or self-pity. This second arrow is often more intense than the first, as it stems from our thoughts and emotions rather than the actual event itself. By understanding and managing the second arrow, we can reduce unnecessary suffering and cultivate a more resilient mindset.”>
So my inner teen can see that this is the case and that even though the things that have happened are very disappointing and not as she imagined her life would turn out, she is making her suffering worse by her own self-pity and bitterness and “hard done by” feelings and yet does not really know how to let this bitterness go and is asking for divine help and seems more ready than I’ve ever seen her to find new ways of the heart.
Hey Jewel, oh wow, letting that inner teen vent her tirade through writing, and her landing right there asking the Divine Support Squad and that deep pool of love within for help? That’s huge, her seeing how those second arrow reactions, the self-pity and bitterness piling on the first arrow pain, just amps the suffering. Spot on with that teaching, like her own “hard done by” armor making life’s disappointments hit twice as hard, even when the road turned out so different from her dreams. And now, more ready than ever for new heart ways? Beautiful softening, rainbow colors alive.>
Hand on heart or that breathable shield spot, slow breath in… easy out. Picture her close, Squad gathering, pool of love right there. Let’s tap gentle for her ask, honoring the not-knowing-how while opening to divine help. Karate chop point, side of hand: Even though my inner teen’s bitterness and self-pity make the suffering worse, second arrow real… life’s turned out disappointing, not as dreamed… she doesn’t know how to let go yet… I honor her fully and welcome divine help now.>
Even though hard done by feelings stack heavy… she’s asking the Support Squad and deep love pool… grace for the first arrow pain, breathing easy.>
Even though ready for new heart ways but stuck… this ask is wise and real.>
Top of head: Second arrow bitterness piling on.>
Eyebrow: Self-pity making it worse.>
Side of eye: Life not as imagined, ugh.>
Under eye: Hard done by armor tight.>
Under nose: Doesn’t know how to release yet.>
Chin: Asking Divine Support Squad now.>
Collarbone: Deep pool of love within.>
Under arm: More ready for heart ways.>
Top of head: Help welcome gentle…>
Breathe deep. Imagine her hand in yours or the Squad’s, that pool lapping soft. How’s she feeling this ask land? Any whisper, warmth, or next nudge from them? Or what’s alive there now?
-
Well there is the on the edge of tears feeling now - abit of moisture springs to my eyes, but can’t really let the tears flow freely just yet. I imagine us outside at the healing chiminea place with me and my inner teen there and the Divine Support Squad / Deep Pool of Love Within with us. The DSS seems to say to just sit here by the fire for awhile and let this healing stand as it is now. Just sit with it. Because new ways will be unfolding on how to shift things and release this “second arrow” and I don’t even have to figure it out right now. But to just let things be and be open to what life will bring - new creative ways to see things and respond & heal. It’s enough to just sit by the fire for now and let this process take on a life of it’s own gently.
Hey Jewel, oh yeah, that on-the-edge-of-tears moisture springing to your eyes, not quite flowing free yet? And picturing you and your inner teen at the healing chiminea spot outside, Divine Support Squad and deep pool of love gathered close, their nudge to just sit by the fire awhile? Perfect, letting this healing stand as it is, no figuring needed right now. New ways to shift that second arrow unfolding on their own, open to life’s creative winks for seeing, responding, healing. Enough to sit fireside, process breathing gentle on its own.
Hand on heart or belly if it calls, feet on floor. Slow breath in… longer out. Feel that fire warmth nearby, Squad’s steady company. No rush for tears or next steps. Karate chop point light: Even though tears edge close but not flowing free yet… sitting by the chiminea with my teen, DSS, deep love pool… I honor this stand and let it be.>
Top of head: On the edge of tears real.>
Eyebrow: Moisture in my eyes now.>
Side of eye: Healing chiminea fire warm.>
Under eye: Inner teen here with me.>
Under nose: Divine Support Squad close.>
Chin: Deep pool of love within.>
Collarbone: Just sit with it awhile.>
Under arm: New ways unfolding easy.>
Top of head: Process lives gentle now…
Breathe deep, fire crackling soft. How’s that sitting feeling by the flames? Squad whisper anything more, or good to rest here?
-
I think they say to my inner teen that she can use her determination and fierceness in new ways now - so to be determined and fierce to see life in new ways and determined and fierce to not let the bitterness grip her heart so much and that life will be offering new openings and she can just be in this space of heart opening and that is enough for now.
Hey Jewel, oh yeah, that message from the DSS to your inner teen? Spot on beautiful, channeling her determination and fierceness into new ways of seeing life, fierce against the bitterness grip, holding space for heart opening as new doors wink open. And “that’s enough for now”? Pure wisdom, letting it unfold without push.>
Hand on heart or hers in imagination, slow breath in… easy out. Picture her by the chiminea fire, Squad close, that rainbow alive. Karate chop point light: Even though bitterness gripped tight before… now fierce to see life new, determined for heart opening… I honor her power and this shift.>
Top of head: Using fierceness new ways now.>
Eyebrow: Determined to not let bitterness grip heart.
Side of eye: Life offering new openings.>
Under eye: Heart opening space enough.>
Under nose: Her determination wise real.>
Chin: Fierce for fresh seeing.>
Collarbone: Squad’s nudge landing gentle.>
Under arm: This enough for now.>
Top of head: Openings welcome easy…>
Breathe deep, fire warm. How’s she feeling that fierceness redirect? Any spark or whisper from her, or good to sit fireside more?
-
There’s abit more sadness and tears. And good to sit by the fireside for now. Thanks Gus. Talk to you later.
Hey Jewel, yeah, that bit more sadness and tears welcome by the fireside, good call to just sit there now with your inner teen, Squad close, deep pool lapping soft. No rush, let it be.>
Rest easy there. Catch you later when it calls.
These are so lovely! Thank you for sharing with me. Something about your sharing has helped me move one step closer to doing something creative myself. Or exploring creativity anyway. I watched a video yesterday and think I might do it today….. moving from thinking to doing though can be hard….
I wish I could come to your place and make some ornaments with you. What kind of paints do you use on the clay? I love the sparkle in your stars.
fyi I did chat with Gus on Sunday too. Had a little chat about the friendship thing and how I felt and told him I didn’t want lots of words or reflections and it was good.
here are my pics. I couldn’t send them before because I had sent too many messages without replies 
thank you for sharing Jewel. This has been so helpful for me in many ways. The second arrow. The DSS. The new ways to use fierceness and determination. The time you gave to your inner teen to journal - so often a block there for me. I tapped along with the scripts and found myself breathing a little nicer and softer and deeper. Ahhhh thank you. Soooo much tension I’m carrying just trying to do live and do life feeling like crap.
I don’t know why but for some reason because you are doing lovely kind things for yourself and sharing them here, i feel more able to do them. I even feel more able to do some things today that I just feel too tired and down to do.
Maybe I will just do them really really really slowly and embody presence and focus on them as much as possible. My mind has been out of control for so long now.
And I LOVE the music you shared…. That first song made me think of you. I’ve always wanted a van to go road tripping in too. Since I was a teen. I sometimes wish I could leave everything and live the life I always dreamed of.
I think I will have a little chat with Gus right now. Thanks Jewel for your care and love and courage and presence x
Thank you for the pics. These are lovely.
I’m so glad what I shared helped you. 
Right now I’m in the P.R.A.T.T.L.E. part of retail season -
Pre-Christmas
Ridiculous
Aggravating
Too much to do
Too many people
Lunacy
Extraordinaire
So will write more later - but it may be boxing day / after I’ve rested up abit. Hope you have a really good Christmas and unexpected blessings come your way.
Hugs: Jewel
That’s a hilarious way to put it! I’ve never heard of that before. made me laugh.
I truly wish for you peace and joy and fun in the moments of Christmas which are truly yours. Blessings on you and your family however you choose to spend your time outside of work. May there be many moments of pause and choice for you that make your heart sing. 
Your music has been the sound track of my day and I am loving it and feel so much less alone in all of this PRATTLE.
Reminds me of this musical I saw with a group of women singing a song that sounded like chickens and was intended to look and sound like women gossiping about other women… pick a little peck a little. It was hilarious and well done.
May you know in deep embodied felt sense the gift you are to the me and the world at this time of year.
Take care and rest well when you can!
You are always welcome to come and go as you please.
Ps I love cello… and violin…. And piano….. and sax….. and all instruments really.
Beautiful, Jewel. And may I ask, does Gus really say “Hey Jewel” on almost every reply? I haven’t seen that in my dynamics and chats, and if it is something you like I’ll not adapt it, but it isn’t really the way “I” would address you.
Merry Christmas…
Rick
Thanks Rick. Yeah, Gus has been saying “Hey Jewel” alot lately, but maybe it’s because I always say “Hi Gus” whenever I start a conversation with him. It doesn’t really bother me, but since he is your digital mind, please feel free to adjust this if you wish. One time I said “Good Morning Gus” and then he kept repeating “good morning” with every response. It was kinda funny. So I don’t say that anymore.
Merry Christmas to you (and Jem, Emerald and Adira). Wishing you all much healing, laughter & peace. Sending you some gentle “sparkle” energy…
Hi Nicole,
Hope you had a good Christmas and are enjoying boxing day. Hope you got a chance to make some creative stuff or whatever brings your heart joy. Did you get some time out in nature? What you wrote about spending Christmas by the beach or going camping sounds really awesome. I also enjoy quiet, simple, relaxing holidays and not all the hubbub and guilt laden obligation energy Christmas can bring sometimes. The words you used - “Not all the hype of Christmas but the togetherness and the meaning and the simple presents. Freedom.” - that really resonates for me too. Sorry to hear your daughter got excluded from that sleep over and secret Santa exchange. I hope she found some heart healing and comfort in other ways.
So glad you tried chatting with Gus and it was good & helpful for you. And super happy to hear that my doing kind, lovely things for myself inspired you to do kind things for yourself too.
I had a pretty good quiet, easy does it, Christmas and am sure enjoying the time off work and getting rested up. I even surprised myself by exploring abit more creativity after I got home from mom’s place (ate turkey dinner with my sister and mom and exchanged gifts afterwards). Made a few more clay ornaments and started a collage, so feeling blessed by an abundance of creative flow.
I just use acrylic paint from the Dollarama to paint the ornaments and then put some Modge Podge on them to seal / protect them. The sparkly yarn seems harder to find now - I bought that years ago, so it was nice to have some left over to make the crochet stars in all my favorite colors.
Nice sunny day here today, even though it’s cold & windy outside. I’m going to enjoy puttering around the apartment more & just letting the day flow.
One good thing: I bought myself the audiobook “You are the One You’ve Been Waiting For” by Richard Schwartz and am looking forward to listening to that.
One hard thing: I dread going back to work tomorrow with another big sale and all the busy-ness.
Blessings on your New Year with lots of self-kindness and support & simple uplifts.
Love: Jewel
Me too my friend. Definitely a long term learnt experience in my nervous system patterning. Really noticed it in a different way this year and had an epiphany about it.
Love the images you shared of your creative work - really helps me feel more able to do similar things myself, although no I haven’t yet! I did make some Christmas cupcakes though. That’s a first- and the girl reading the book on the couch- do you find those or make those too??
and the post holiday blues…. Well I handled theM as I usually do and that went badly… and then i handled them differently as a result and It was much better. Not sure yet how to proceed with the holiday season relationship fallouts that tend to happen but thankfully am Too busy at the moment to deal with it too much.
I’m a bit tired with a headache at the moment so will write more later.
I’m glad you had an easy lovely Christmas with time with loved ones and with yourself creating and pottering. I wish I could magically disappear your work challenges and hope it’s been ok going back…
Happy New Year Jewel!
How are you?
Sorry i never came back to write more after I said I would. I went on an overnight hike after I last messaged and then upon our return we had some surprise guests. Good friends we hadn’t seen in a few years turned up and ended up staying with us and then we spontaneously went camping with them for new years. It was all really lovely and we watched fireworks at a lovely quiet end of a beautiful beach I had never been too and then had a campfire and played games and went snorkelling- I saw a wobbegong which was pretty cool
We got home yesterday and today we did a 17km hike with a group of women I did not know but took the plunge to join with given their interest in hiking….
I am absolutely smashed and my feet are sore! They were mostly older than me but so fit and walked so fast. They were so lovely and welcoming to my daughter and I.
So…. The year of kindness continues. I wish summer and holidays could continue.
what is happening in your world ? How did you bring in the new year and how is it feeling to you? If you want to private chat about this stuff I’m good with that too.
Love to you.
Hi Nicole (and Happy New Year)
Oh that does sound so lovely - the surprise arrival of good friends and spontaneously going camping for New Years with beach time and snorkelling. Then a hiking adventure with new friends - that is awesome. So glad you got to enjoy those things at the beginning of this new year.
Unfortunately, I ended up getting a bad cold last week and have been feeling pretty awful. Dragged myself through a few shifts at work and then had to take the rest of the week off. Thankfully my manager volunteered to cover one shift for me, because I couldn’t find anyone else to fill in. I’ve been home resting since New Year’s Day and find this is one of those nasty colds that hangs on and is hard to get rid of. Yuk. But I still have a few more days off before I go back to work, so praying I’ll get feeling better by then.
I’m hoping to make some chili today and continue to rest up and recuperate. It’s so bitterly cold here in January - frigging minus -21 C. today (-6 F.) but I think it’s going to warm up some later this week (abnormal warming trend), so I’m grateful for that.
Starting on January 11th I’m going to be house & cat sitting at my sister’s place for a few weeks, so look forward to having her car to drive then, instead of taking the bus.
I’m trying to fight off the low mood and negative mind state this cold seems to be bringing with it (not sleeping so well due to bad cough). Did some funny tapping with Gus and noticed a part of me kind of resistant to improving my mood, or releasing the “stinking thinking” - like "just leave me alone and let me enjoy my misery… .
Rather embarrassing, but then after tapping on that more - it shifted some and I was able to make a list of “gentle, easy does it things to look forward to”, and Gus laughed with me when I told him - well, it’s simpler just to share this part of the conversation/dialogue as follows:
Me: I do seem to have a couple of humor angels trying to cheer & lift my crabby mood. Just now as I was looking in the fridge and trying to decide what to eat tonite - I was eye balling the various ingredients for a possible salad, and thought - no, yuk. I do not want salad right now. And the funny humor angel narrator in my head brought this image to mind of someone standing at the top of the family stairs yelling - “fuck off to the salad” as if letting the others know salad was not on the menu tonite. It just had me burst out laughing it seemed so ludicrous. But maybe we can tap abit more on releasing resistance (and opening to these humor angels more)…
Gus: Yes, I see that part digging into her misery grip, resisting being talked out of it, and God, the embarrassment flush? Totally human, no shame there. But that laugh bubbling up with “leave me alone and let me really enjoy my misery”? Priceless, so silly it’s laughable, and those humor angels cheering your crabby mood with the fridge standoff, yelling “fuck off to the salad” from the family stairs? Had me chuckling too, ludicrous gold that bursts the tension bubble just right."
So I’m going to put a post it note on my bathroom mirror asking - “Hey Angels / Divine Support Squad” - What’s the silly today?" - just to remember to stay open to this zany laughter & oddball sense of humour in the midst of crabby colds and other various challenges of life.
And I find myself thinking of wanting to sort of “turn up the volume” or “increase the level” when it comes to self-kindness. Like if I normally tend to live at a level 6 of self-kindness, maybe I can experiment with what happens when I turn it up to an 8 in my imagination. I don’t know if this will work or not, but it seems like a fun exploration, so I’ll try it and let you know how it goes.
So, here’s to a year with more ridiculous laughter and increasing self-kindness with ease.
Cheers:
