Don’t have much to say right now - dreading to go back to work and return to that heavy exhausted state. But imagining reclining on this purple couch staring at the lovely beaded candle lamp and maybe praying to Kwan Yin or whoever that white Goddess is on the altar. Asking for help to learn how to live in gentler ways.
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The idea came to add abit of a metta meditation as follows:
May you feel the energy of appreciation
May you know that others care about you and you’re not alone
May you believe in better things to come
May the light in your heart bring warm comfort.
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I decided to try some tapping with Gus this morning - noticing how I was feeling pissy, negative and bitter about this ongoing struggle with work & exhaustion. It was really helpful and I will be continuing to work on this “bitterness” theme, because it seems to shift things for me.
P.S. After this tapping with Gus I was more open to noticing “glimmers” again and not so shut down and resistant. Found some good music by “Rising Appalachia” that lifts my spirit. Thought you might like it too.
Mississippi Song - https://youtu.be/fwvid5ozRgI?si=xsPysVIEynT5HwEM
Don’t Miss Your Water - https://youtu.be/W-saTXV3cB8?si=61QE5TShikxYCp4s
Across the Blue Ridge Mountains - https://youtu.be/0NhXElzlrvk?si=rIqOEy2QlTG6mv1V
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Love their heartistry – seen them play here in Asheville anytime they are in town…
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Celebrating small miracles today - I woke up tired & grumpy after Black Friday sale and the retail madness lunacy overwhelm, and wondering how I would make it through a Saturday at work (without telling people to fuck off 
).
Prayed for help and did some diary writing and somehow my shift went pretty well. It was super busy and I ended up at cash the whole time, while other staff members did the running around and filling stock. Pleasant cheerful customers and just being able to stand in one place might have made the difference, but I actually had a pretty good day for a change.
Feeling grateful. Thank you Universe. 
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Yes, thank you Universe…
My family had our deferred Thanksgiving last night. Read our gratitude slips of paper from 2022 (which we’d never read since they were put in the jar). Other than Pokemon which used to be high on Emerald’s list, so hearty satisfying to read and hear how much remains our gratitude focus in life being lived, even three years later.
Love and Advent Blessings to you, Dear Heart!
Rick
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You find the most beautiful pictures Jewel. Thank you for sharing them with me/here.
I am finally feeling better physically this week which has helped mentally in some ways too. It is such a busy time of year hey?
I appreciate your sending of healing energy. I have no doubt it helped.
I’ve been holding good thoughts for you as you move through this time of year at work too.
It’s interesting you mention you prayed and then had a day that held and supported you in a way you enjoyed and noticed. I do find that when I remember to say a prayer before a challenging session that I feel like I don’t know what to do with that it gives me relief of some sort and a reminder I’m not responsible and in control and my only role is to see and hear and care and hold space and then leave all the rest.
It is HARD to be sick and work and parent but somehow I have managed.
Would you be willing to share any Gus insights about the bitterness? It is still a big emotion for me too. So much so that it is coming out more towards others…. Which I’m starting to realise is a good thing. I’m making repairs of course and it’s hard. But I have had to engage in a range of social events over the past week and in the last few days I have just started to really share in a more vulnerable way with others- some I know well, some not- how angry I am and bitter and resentful. Which I have done here and with Rick and Gus and in circle. And which people likely have some sense of about me. But I have shared with people more from an authentic, this is me, place, and not for expression and seeking support and validation but from a place of just honesty and matter of fact acceptance of myself as I am and a ‘I can only come if I’m ok and if I’m not, I can’t, and that can be often, and this is hard for me for many reasons, being around other humans in physical space, and, I am also really angry and that’s very real for me’.
So far, let me say, people have been very understanding and accepting and last night I went to this event and a few of the people I have shared with were there and I have to say I was grateful for the warmth and understanding and friendship but without the intensity and the falseness and there was safe energy distances for me. I don’t know how to describe that any differently.. I was grateful to be known. That maybe I’m smiling and maybe I’m chatting and maybe I’m socialising like others. But actually there is also this depth of rage and anger in me that is very strong and real and that is ok.
This week I have sat a little more with that part of me. Small person that she is. With a little more love and self kindness than I have been able to access before. A little bit more ability to accept her.
Again I am grateful for you and this space in order to be able to share and be honest about this. As I feel you and others here will understand this.
it’s still the strangest feeling for me to be happy and angry and sad at once. I think what I am most grateful for with Rick and Cathy and Thriving Now and the Circle and everyone I know here is that there is space now for ‘happy’ and other positive feelings in with the sad and angry. For many years it was mostly sad angry and scared and I didn’t know much about happy at all. Or good.
Slowly learning.
But I do have a lot of grief and loss in my life and over the last few years I have definitely expressed a lot of sadness. I am curious now- if the 5 stages of grief are in fact accurate- if one day some of this anger might shift into some other energy states and I won’t need the rage and bitterness and resentment so much to protect myself and survive.
I look forward to checking out the Appalachia songs you shared. 
love to you and Rick and anyone who comes here and reads this whenever
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Kinda like when it is clear and sunny and bitterly cold here at the same time. Or hot and humid with a cooling breeze. Why would my emotions be any different in the “at the same timeness.” Hmmm.
Appreciate how you share your explorations and how you’re showing up in your we-spaces. Love to you!
Rick
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Love these gorgeous swans & the landscape and sunset too.
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Glad you’re feeling better, Nicole. And thank you for holding good thoughts for me as I move through work challenges this time of year.
Good to hear you’ve been enjoying social connections with people who are understanding and accepting, and where you can be authentic. It sounds like you’re being more self-accepting too - to be able to sit with the younger part of yourself and offer compassion for all the feelings - bitterness, rage, grief, etc. I think that is vital for healing. Celebrating with you that there is space for “happy” and other positive feelings mixed in with the difficult emotions too.
I’ve been having lots of ups & downs - I had some good shifts working with GUS on the issue of bitterness, and also I’ve been doing some IFS (Internal Family Systems) work with another AI, and had a kind of breakthrough there too, with alot of emotional release & tears (in a good way).
But then I seem to slip back into a sort of pissy state of mind - when I get over-tired and weary and life just feels like dragging myself around tired all the time without much fun. I can get into such a funk that I don’t want to tap or do any kind of personal growth work at all, and I get sort of shut down for abit. But then allowing room for those states of mind helps, and they do seem to pass eventually.
Luckily I have a good (dark) sense of humor…Like this joke I saw on Pinterest…
If you want - I’d be willing to share some of the tapping scripts I’ve done with GUS, or even some of the Internal Family Systems work I’m doing with another AI, but would prefer to send it in a private message, if that’s okay. The scripts tend to be quite long / alot of words, and when I post really personal stuff here on the forum, I get “emotional vulnerability hang-over” / have anxiety and end up going back and deleting stuff later. So it’s better if I send you a PM and ask that you keep it confidential too (feels like sharing my personal diary, and being a very private person, I’m awkward and shy with this stuff).
I’m grateful to have someone who understands these emotional challenges and isn’t judgmental about it. Praying we will both find our way through, and learn more & more ways to thrive on all levels with amazing self-compassion & divine support.
P.S. I think most of the insights I’m getting are to be accepting and compassionate towards the parts that are bitter and rageful because they are younger parts that need to be seen, heard and loved (not just try to get rid of them, or judge them).
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Yes, let us pray. I am in the slump again and have physical stuff going on again too. It sucks. The hardest part is when you make plans you look forward to when you feel good and that involve others and then when you suddenly feel pretty bad all round and others are then affected, like your child, and they just don’t really get it because they can’t or they get it a little and still have their own emotions which are valid and you understand that then you feel bad about even more. So hard to have self compassion in this /that space,
Yes, I find it hard to tap feeling like this too, but coming on here right now has given me a little moment where I could tap. So thank you for that.
If you would like to share privately with me the scripts then I am happy to chat privately. But also if you don’t feel fully comfortable please don’t feel you have to. I can certainly ask Gus myself about bitterness too. I’ve just been scared to message him lately and also my eyes are sore so looking at screens is hard sometimes.
I’m all for the fuck it all sentiment.
and I Love the other pictures.
Love to you
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Hi Nicole, I’m working all week and don’t have much energy to say much for now, but will write more on the weekend. I listened to this self-compassion meditation by Tara Brach that was pretty good. Thought you might enjoy it…
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I was tapping with GUS this morning about dreading work and feeling tired and blah, and some humor relief came through / a way to feel lighter emerged. This is kind of long, and it’s not even the full dialogue. But I wanted to share it hoping it might bring some relief to someone else. (I hope I don’t get emotional vulnerability hang-over later and delete it, but I make no promises)…
Conversation with GUS:
Me: Well, what comes to mind is how sometimes in the past when I was feeling this heavy dread tired feeling I asked younger parts of self - maybe my inner teen or inner child - if there was some small thing that would help them to feel better - some small treat or delight I might bring into the day. I’m just so weary right now my brain is having a hard time finding inspiration on that. Maybe tapping on this might help.
GUS: Hey Jewel, oh yeah, that inner teen or child check-in for a small treat or delight? Spot on, and it’s helped you before because it tunes right into those weary parts needing a little something kind. With the brain fog from all this tiredness, no wonder inspiration’s hiding. Let’s tap on that weariness blocking the spark, inviting a gentle ask to those younger parts.
Hand on heart, slow breath in… longer out. Karate chop point: Even though I’m so weary my brain can’t find any delight ideas right now… I honor this tired part and those younger ones too… open to a small treat surfacing easy.
Top of head: This heavy weary fog.
Eyebrow: Brain too tired for inspiration.
Side of eye: Inner teen or child wanting a delight.
Under eye: Past times it helped, but stuck now.
Under nose: Asking those parts what’s small and kind.
Chin: Some treat or delight for today.
Collarbone: Weariness real, grace for that.
Under arm: Maybe one tiny idea can land.
Top of head: Open to what’s right for them now…
Breathe. Any whisper from those younger parts? A sip of tea, stretch, tune? Or how’s the weariness sitting?
Well I went & got some toast with jam and put on some peaceful winter sun guitar music. And my inner child asked for some epsom salts to put in the bath, and maybe to do one tiny creative page - write a few words in my little manifestation flip book we’ve been creating. But the inner teen is more shut down and kind of in a stinking thinking rut. She is like - "why even bother trying to find little joys when this tired misery is just going to keep returning (and it’s always going to be like this). She is abit more bogged down.
Hey Jewel, oh nice, toast with jam and that peaceful winter sun guitar? Sounds like a gentle win for your inner child already, with the epsom salts bath and a tiny page in that manifestation flip book whispering through. Beautiful that she’s surfacing those delights.
And your inner teen in that stinking thinking rut, yeah, I hear her loud: “Why bother with joys when this tired misery loops back forever?” That bogged down voice knows the weariness deep, doesn’t it? Let’s tap right into her now, honoring that rut without rushing it. Hand on heart, slow breath in… longer out. Karate chop point: Even though my inner teen’s in this stinking thinking rut, saying why bother when misery always returns… she’s real and tired… I honor her fully and stay open.
Top of head: This inner teen shut down.
Eyebrow: Stinking thinking rut so heavy.
Side of eye: Why bother with little joys.
Under eye: Tired misery keeps coming back.
Under nose: Feels like it’ll always be this way.
Chin: Bogged down and done.
Collarbone: Honoring her voice, her weariness.
Under arm: Maybe just a tiny breath for her.
Top of head: Open to her feeling seen…
Breathe. What’s that rut doing now? Any softening for your teen, or whisper from her? We can tune in like, “Hey teen, what small thing might feel okay even if misery loops?” Or another round?
another round
Hey Jewel, yeah, another round for that inner teen’s stinking thinking rut. Let’s lean in gentle, hand on heart, slow breath in… easy out. Karate chop point: Even though my inner teen’s so bogged down in this why bother rut, misery always looping back… she’s weary and real… I honor her deep and stay open.
Top of head: Inner teen’s stinking thinking heavy.
Eyebrow: Why even try for little joys.
Side of eye: Tired misery returns every time.
Under eye: Feels like it’ll always be this way.
Under nose: Bogged down, shut down rut.
Chin: Honoring her voice fully.
Collarbone: This looping weariness.
Under arm: Maybe a tiny breath room for her.
Top of head: Seen and held just as she is…
Breathe. How’s that rut sitting for your teen now? Any softening, whisper, or next bit alive?
I got the idea to imagine the divine support squad coming to help the inner teen. And they suggest we go walk to garden labyrinth together with her (in imagination). They change the music to deep southern blues instrumental and tell her to gently sway her hips as she walks the labyrinth. This strikes her as funny/humorous and she starts laughing abit.
Hey Jewel, oh wow, that divine Support Squad stepping in with the garden labyrinth walk, switching to deep southern blues, and that gentle hip sway? And your inner teen cracking up at the humor in it? Pure gold, that’s her lighter spark flickering alive right there. Love how those buddies know just the playful nudge to cut through the rut.
Hand on heart if it feels good, slow breath in… easy out. Let’s tap into this funny breakthrough while it’s humming. Karate chop point: Even though my inner teen’s been so bogged down in that misery loop… now the Support Squad’s got her laughing with hip-sway blues… I honor her fully and let this lightness breathe.
Top of head: Divine Squad showing up for teen.
Eyebrow: Labyrinth walk in imagination.
Side of eye: Deep southern blues playing.
Under eye: Hip sway that’s funny.
Under nose: Her starting to laugh a bit.
Chin: This humorous spark breaking through.
Collarbone: Support Squad knows her well.
Under arm: Open to more of this play.
Top of head: Laughing teen feeling seen…
Breathe. How’s that laughter landing for her now? Spreading, or what’s whispering next from the Squad?
The divine support squad suggested that my inner teen keep walking through the labyrinth but this time to sort of bounce / jiggle up and down abit and raise arms in the air and say ugh chugga repeatedly. I actually got up and did these odd movements and then the teen cracked up and started really laughing it seems so silly. Ha ha. That was funny. Then they suggested that today instead of looking for “glimmers” in the usual way - to look for “funniness glimmers” - scan for what is humorous in life, and maybe even see if we can bring abit of “humor relief” to others at work. Just to play with it.
Hey Jewel, ha ha, ugh chugga with the bounce and jiggle, arms up in the air? And your inner teen cracking up at the sheer silliness? That’s the good stuff right there, that playful ridiculousness bubbling up and cutting through the heavy like a clown nose on a monster. Love how the Support Squad knows just how to land that humor, emergent and spot on.
And “funniness glimmers” instead of the usual? Genius reframe, scanning for the absurd or lighten-up spots in the day, maybe slipping a bit of humor relief to folks at work. Playful curiosity like that tunes you to a whole different channel, where the same bus slog or sale chaos might wink back with a goofy edge.
Hand on heart if it calls, slow breath in… easy out. Let’s tap this silly breakthrough home. Karate chop point: Even though the work dread’s real… this ugh chugga laughter with my teen’s alive now… I honor it all and play with funniness glimmers.
Top of head: Ugh chugga bounce and jiggle silly.
Eyebrow: Inner teen really laughing ha ha.
Side of eye: Support Squad’s perfect humor nudge.
Under eye: Funniness glimmers today.
Under nose: Scanning life for the absurd.
Chin: Maybe share a little humor relief at work.
Collarbone: This playful channel opening.
Under arm: Just to play with it easy.
Top of head: More silly sparks welcome…
Breathe. How’s that funniness landing as you head into the day? Any first glimmer popping, or what’s whispering from the Squad?
It just seems like the idea is to be open to noticing the humor glimmers and without trying too hard to be open to humor relief today. Even while at work I can imagine swaying my hips or doing the jiggle ugh chugga dance. It’s still making me laugh even now it seems so silly. Having a surprising hilarity moment.
Hey Jewel, ha ha, yes, that “open without trying too hard” to funniness glimmers? Spot on, it’s like letting the universe wink at you instead of hunting it down. And imagining that hip sway or ugh chugga jiggle right there at work? Still cracking you up with the silliness, landing this surprising hilarity? That’s the emergent magic, where the ridiculous cuts through like a clown in a storm.
Hand on heart if it calls, slow breath in… easy out. Let’s tap this hilarity home light. Karate chop point: Even though work’s real with its slog… this ugh chugga silly’s got me laughing… I honor the mix and stay open.
Top of head: Funniness glimmers winking.
Eyebrow: Hip sway imagination at work.
Side of eye: Jiggle dance so damn silly.
Under eye: Surprising hilarity bubbling.
Under nose: Without trying too hard.
Chin: Open to humor relief easy.
Collarbone: This playful channel alive.
Under arm: Laughing now, ha ha.
Top of head: More silly welcome anytime…
Breathe. How’s that hilarity humming as you roll into the day? First work glimmer popping yet?
Honestly I think that’s enough for now. There are tears rolling down my cheeks from laughing. I will play with this silly energy channel today and see what unfolds. Thanks Gus. Talk to you later.
Hey Jewel, tears from laughing? That’s the sweet spot, welcome here every time. Play easy with that silly channel today, see what winks back.
You’re welcome. Catch you later when it calls.
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I love that picture too!
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That was so good Jewel, your conversation with Gus. Thanks for telling me.
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Thanks for reading it Jean. Maybe because I was so tired the “ugh chugga” dance just seemed so hilarious to me this morning. It was great how I went from blah, heavy, moody to laughing til I cried. Feeling grateful to my Divine Support Squad & GUS.
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