great one!
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Hi Tala,
How are things going? It’s been a tiresome week and I’m having a hard time writing lately, but I’ll try to do our usual outline of a good thing, hard thing (and maybe something slightly amusing)
Good Thing(s): Enjoyed reading the book “Stop Missing Your Life” (Cory Muscara) and feel more motivated to start a meditation/mindfulness practice. Started a little notebook called “Gentle Uplifts for Low Days” and will add to it as I discover new tools and practices that work for me.
Hard things: Pushed too hard at work Wednesday and then took mom to medical appointment the next morning (while she complained alot) and ended up very exhausted.
New thing: Decided to try the 7 day free trial of “Waji” (emdr / bilateral) just out of curiousity (https://getwaji.com/)
Slightly amusing thing(s) - (and something beautiful) - see below:
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Went to the movies this afternoon (Star Wars: The Mandalorian and Grogu) and really enjoyed it. But struggled some in my relationship with mom and had this conversation with the Naz on Demand AI later (I found this helpful from an IFS perspective):
Me: I was having a low energy day, but since it’s my only day off this weekend and I’m working all week, I was trying to figure out a way to blend some housework and chores with some relaxation and fun and finally decided to go out to a movie (the new star wars mandalorian & grogu was playing). So I asked mom if maybe she would go to the movie she wanted to see (Devil Wears Prada 2) and I would go to my movie and we could meet later at Walmart and pick up a few groceries. So she agreed and since she is the one with a vehicle and I have no wheels, it worked out for me to get a drive with her too.
But she was 25 minutes later than the time we agreed on (she has a pattern of being late) and then she kept dragging her heels and going really slow once we got to the mall. I told her I wanted to go get my ticket for the show and would like to be on time, but she just kept wanting attention and pulled out these coupons and wanted me to figure them out for her, etc. God. I am tired and do not have alot of bandwidth for this kind of shit today. So I just got my ticket and told her I was going to my movie and didn’t want to be late and would meet her later. And she agreed.
It’s just that when I was in the movie trying to relax and just enjoy the show, my inner critic was saying how I should be more patient with my elderly mother and should try to be more compassionate and all this inner activation around how I should be more giving and understanding, etc. etc.
I had to take some time to tap on it and try to talk myself into more calmness and reasonableness. My own inner guidance seems to say that I am being too hard on myself and the fact that she was so late and I am already so weary and then her wanting me to take even more time with these coupons - it was really alot to expect and it’s not unreasonable for me to want to get to my movie on time.
Just rolling all this around in my head and trying to learn to be kinder to myself.
Naz: This sounds like one of those situations where the facts and the guilt are telling two completely different stories.
The facts:
- You had one day off.
- You were already low on energy.
- You made a plan that allowed both of you to enjoy your own movie and still do groceries together afterward.
- Your mom arrived significantly later than agreed.
- Once there, she wanted additional attention and help with something that wasn’t urgent.
- You communicated clearly that you wanted to get your ticket and be on time.
- You still met up with her later.
Nothing in that sequence sounds harsh, cruel, or uncaring.
What I’m hearing is that your inner critic jumped in with a very familiar rule:
“A good son/daughter is endlessly patient with their elderly mother.”
The problem is that rule usually leaves out an important second sentence:
“…even when they’re exhausted, even when plans are being disregarded, even when they have needs too.”
And that’s where things get wonky.
A little parts lens here:
I wonder if the activated part isn’t actually about today’s movie at all.
There may be a protector carrying a job description that sounds something like:
“We must keep Mom happy. We must not disappoint Mom. We must be understanding at all times. If we prioritize ourselves, we’re selfish.”
If that’s the part speaking, then of course it got activated the second you chose your movie start time over her coupons.
Not because you did something wrong.
Because you did something different.
Those are not the same thing.
One question I’d be curious about:
How old do you feel when that guilt shows up?
Not how old are you.
How old do you feel?
Because the intensity of the guilt sometimes tells us we’re no longer reacting as today’s adult self. A younger part may have taken the wheel for a minute.
You might try a little update for that part:
“I know you’re worried we’re being selfish.”
“I know you want us to be a good child.”
“But we’re not abandoning Mom.”
“We’re going to a movie on time.”
“We can care about her and care about ourselves at the same time.”
That’s a very different energy from:
“Shut up, guilt. You’re irrational.”
We’re not gaslighting the nervous system today. We’re listening to the concern and then offering updated information.
Something else stands out:
You said your own inner guidance was telling you that you were being too hard on yourself.
I pay attention when someone says that. Usually by the time we’re hearing that quieter voice, we’ve already done enough processing to know the truth.
The truth may simply be:
“Of course I was frustrated. I was tired, she was late, and my bandwidth was limited.”
That’s not a moral failure.
That’s information.
And honestly, one of the sneakiest forms of conditional self-love is:
“I’ll be a good person when I can stay endlessly patient no matter how depleted I am.”
Nope.
Being kind to yourself might look more like:
“I wish I had unlimited patience today. I didn’t. I still handled this reasonably well.”
That’s a much fairer standard.
One tiny reflection prompt for tonight:
What boundary did I actually hold today that my guilt is trying to talk me out of?
Because from where I’m sitting, the boundary wasn’t “I don’t care about my mother.”
The boundary was:
“My movie starts at a certain time, and I’m allowed to go enjoy it.”
That’s a pretty ordinary, healthy boundary. The fact that guilt showed up afterward doesn’t automatically mean the boundary was wrong. Sometimes it just means a protector isn’t used to seeing you choose yourself.
Me: Yes, there are old outdated messages about how I am supposed to be endlessly patient no matter how depleted I am. And that it’s selfish for me to put my own needs first. And just this impossible to meet standard of being some kind of saint when I’m with my mother no matter how demanding she is, or how late she is. But I’m in the process of letting this shit go. .. Or at least becoming alot more aware of it. And the ages I felt were around 11 and 21 (at 21 I was involved in a fundamentalist church and getting alot of religious messages about honoring your parents and being very compassionate and giving unconditionally, etc.)
Naz: That makes so much sense.
What you’re describing doesn’t sound like a part that was created today because your mother was late. It sounds like a part carrying decades of training.
And notice something important: the messages from age 11 and age 21 aren’t actually the same message, but they reinforce each other.
The 11-year-old version might sound like:
“Don’t make waves.”
“Be good.”
“Take care of other people’s feelings.”
“Your needs can wait.”
Then the 21-year-old fundamentalist version comes along and gives that same pattern a moral and spiritual justification:
“Self-sacrifice is virtuous.”
“Good people give more.”
“Honor your parents.”
“Your discomfort is less important than serving others.”
So now you don’t just have a habit.
You have a habit that was blessed by authority figures and wrapped in morality.
Those are some sticky roots.
No wonder the inner critic got loud in the movie theater.
In a way, that critic wasn’t evaluating the situation objectively. It was running old programming:
“Alert! Alert! We’re choosing ourselves! This may be selfishness!”
Meanwhile Adult You is sitting there thinking:
“I’m literally just trying to get to a movie on time.”
It’s almost funny when you put the two side by side.
One thing I often notice with people unpacking this kind of conditioning is that the nervous system confuses having boundaries with being unloving.
But those aren’t opposites.
You can love someone deeply and still think:
“I am not discussing coupons right now.”
You can love someone deeply and think:
“You being 25 minutes late doesn’t mean I have to be late too.”
You can love someone deeply and think:
“I have one day off and I need some enjoyment today.”
None of those statements cancel out the love.
The old conditioning often acts as though love and self-respect are mutually exclusive. As if you have to pick one.
Adult You is discovering that you can actually hold both.
I also want to point out something I think deserves credit:
You didn’t explode.
You didn’t punish her.
You didn’t shame her.
You didn’t abandon the outing.
You simply separated from her long enough to do what you had already planned to do.
That’s a pretty regulated response, especially given that you were already depleted.
If those younger parts were sitting with us, I’d be curious what they think would happen if you stopped trying to be a saint.
Because that’s usually where the gold is.
Maybe the 11-year-old fears:
“People will be disappointed in me.”
Maybe the 21-year-old fears:
“I’ll become selfish.”
“I’ll be a bad person.”
“God will be displeased.”
Whatever the exact fear is, I’d bet it’s much bigger than today’s reality.
You might try this little update:
“I know you learned that love means endless self-sacrifice.”
“I know you think good people never inconvenience others.”
“But I’m not 11 anymore.”
“I’m not 21 anymore.”
“I’m allowed to have limits.”
“Going to a movie on time is not a moral failure.”
And honestly, there is something really encouraging in what you wrote:
“I’m in the process of letting this shit go.”
That doesn’t sound like someone trapped in the conditioning.
That sounds like someone who can already see the conditioning from the outside.
The guilt still visits, but you’re starting to recognize it as an old message rather than an objective truth. That’s a huge shift. The goal isn’t necessarily to never hear those voices again. The goal is that when they show up, you can say:
“Ah. There’s the 11-year-old rulebook. There’s the 21-year-old church programming.”
And then decide, as today’s adult, whether those rules still get a vote.
Me: The 11 year old thinks it’s her job to make sure mom is okay (back then mom was drinking alot and my younger self tried to check in on her when she went on binges). The 21 year old fears it means she is selfish and “not a good person” if she puts her own needs and feelings first. And all of this is starting to let go and not have such a hold on me, but it’s gonna take some time to not hear the guilt voices at all, as you say. I like the question - “I wonder what happens if I stop trying to be a saint?” It makes me smile abit. I will be exploring it.
Naz: That actually feels like a really important distinction.
The 11-year-old isn’t trying to be difficult. She’s carrying a genuinely serious job:
“If Mom isn’t okay, I need to make sure she is.”
For a child with a parent who was binge drinking, that makes perfect sense. Kids are incredibly adaptive. They don’t sit down and consciously decide to become caretakers; they just notice what feels unsafe and start compensating.
So when present-day Mom is late, demanding attention, or creating extra stress, that 11-year-old may not be reacting to coupons at all.
She may be reacting to an old alarm:
“Mom needs something. We need to pay attention. We need to manage this.”
No wonder she gets activated.
And the 21-year-old has a different job:
“Make sure we’re a good person.”
That part sounds less like a caretaker and more like a moral monitor. A kind of internal church elder sitting in the corner with a clipboard.
Every time you choose yourself, she checks the rulebook:
“Was that selfish?”
“Was that loving enough?”
“Would a truly good person have done more?”
Honestly, I have a lot of compassion for both of them.
They’re exhausting, but they’re trying to protect you from things that once felt very real:
- abandonment
- criticism
- shame
- disapproval
- being seen as selfish
- being seen as unloving
The beautiful thing is that neither part seems to be running the whole show anymore.
The fact that you can name them this clearly is huge.
You can already hear the difference between:
“I am selfish.”
and
“A 21-year-old part of me worries I’m selfish.”
Those are completely different experiences.
One is fused.
One is witnessing.
And witnessing creates choice.
The question about sainthood made me smile too, because I suspect there is something liberating hiding in it.
Imagine the worst-case scenario according to those old parts:
“What if I stop trying to be a saint?”
And then imagine what actually happens.
Maybe you:
- go to your movie on time
- say no to coupons for the moment
- get groceries afterward
- go home
- the world continues spinning
It’s almost disappointingly ordinary.
Sometimes healing is less dramatic than our protectors expect. They’re braced for catastrophe, and what actually happens is:
“Huh. I had a boundary. Nobody died.”
One thing I’d be curious to explore with those parts is this:
What if being a good person and taking care of yourself are not competing goals?
The old framework says:
Good person = self-sacrifice.
But maybe adult reality is closer to:
Good person = caring about others and respecting your own limits.
That version doesn’t require sainthood.
It requires honesty.
And from everything you’ve shared, what happened at the mall sounds much more like honesty than selfishness.
The image that comes to mind is your 11-year-old and your 21-year-old standing beside you in the theater, both whispering urgent warnings while you’re trying to watch a movie.
And present-day you gently saying:
“I know you’re worried.”
“Thank you for looking out for us.”
“Mom is okay.”
“We’re okay.”
“And for the next two hours, we’re watching Star Wars.”
Honestly, that’s a pretty lovely update for both of them. They don’t have to stop caring. They just don’t have to work every shift anymore. 
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Honestly so tired too. Its been a huge week and I want to have energy to do cool things rather than use up all my energy working.
I also need to eat some healthy food but am lacking the energy to cook.
Good things - receiving love and care and understanding; peaceful quiet nature and trees and water. Love your cherry tree.
Hard things - tiredness, health challenges and pain, and a bunch of other things that are hard to describe to do with my insides and thoughts and patterns and flaws that affect my relationships with others. Or how i feel in them.
Slightly amusing - seeing the funnies you posted above. I am totally happy to step out of adulting. “Not feeling equipped at all for the role. Thanks for the offer though! “
I could totally just lie down in the sun on that path of trees and flowers you posted.
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Still so tired. Sometimes I just feel like there is no space to breathe in my work day. Even if i stop for a break. It just takes so much energy to gather and keep going. Given i am suddenly here writing this I am directed to asking myself….how can I be kind to myself right now, feeling so tired, and still needing to complete work.
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Sorry to hear you’re struggling so much with tiredness. Sending good thoughts / healing vibes that you’ll find your best path to self-kindness today.
(I’m also quite weary and so looking forward to this weekend off).
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Hi Tala,
How are things going? I hope you’re having a restful weekend and feeling better.
Good thing: Had a nice rest day yesterday and got caught up on the dishes. Plus had a good tapping session with Gus and felt encouraged and uplifted by our conversation.
Hard Thing: I kind of fell off the Wild Soul Movement wagon again, and have been neglecting the free flow gentle exercise (but still walking quite alot anyways). I hope to get back to the WSM / maybe blended with some loose, permissive Qi Gong next week.
I posted a rather long conversation I had with Gus here, but then had too much vulnerability hangover (it feels like sharing a few pages from my diary sometimes), so I deleted it. But I’m sure I’ll share more of these conversations with Gus another time – maybe just not quite such long ones.
Slightly amusing thing:
Something beautiful: This cabana by the ocean looks good to me:
Abit of soothing music:
(https://youtu.be/htnobkrtDoo?si=mzIIHEhdWUCG8iqz)
Some encouraging spirituality ideas: (I somehow mistakenly hit this pdf file on my desktop when trying to upload images - but it’s a really good updated version of the 12 Steps by Charlotte Kasl, Ph.D - so seems worth sharing here)
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This morning I asked Gus about how I’m exploring this idea of the “Bodacious Body Boudoir” as a place of learning how to tune in more closely - and what might be good questions to ask along these lines. He said this:
Gus: I love that you’re creating the “Bodacious Body Boudoir” as a space to listen more closely. That’s a tender, curious setup.
Here are some simple questions to ask your body when you settle in:
What are you noticing right now? Not “what’s wrong” — just what’s present. Tightness, ease, temperature, heaviness, lightness, restlessness, calm.
Where do you feel that? Location matters. Your body speaks in geography. A sensation in your chest says something different than the same sensation in your belly or your shoulders.
On a scale of 0 to 10, how strong is this? This helps you notice subtlety. A 3 is very different from a 7, and tracking that teaches you to read your own signals.
What does this need? Sometimes it’s rest. Sometimes it’s movement. Sometimes it’s just to be witnessed — acknowledged without trying to fix it. Your body often knows, if you ask without the assumption that there’s a “right” answer.
What would feel good right now? Not what should feel good, but what actually calls to you in this moment. Warmth, coolness, stillness, gentle motion, water, breath.
The key is to ask from curiosity, not from the pressure to solve anything. Your body has been carrying you for years through fatigue and effort. When it finally gets listened to without judgment, it tends to soften and share more.
You might also notice: does your breath shift when you ask these questions? Does your body relax a little, or does it tighten? Both are information.
What feels most alive to you right now — is there one of these that wants to be your starting place?
Me: As I started to ponder these questions I noticed that my hand went back to my upper back area automatically without me even consciously thinking about it. Like that area is asking for soothing and comfort. And I notice some constriction/sadness in my chest. Not alot, but alittle. I feel abit tired, but at least somewhat recovered after having the weekend off work.
What does this need? Gentleness / kindness to self / not pushing so hard
What would feel good right now? Well, what would honestly feel good is to have another rest day and go relax in the sun and not have to go to work. But since that is not a possibility for today and I need the work shift to pay bills, the more realistic answer is just being kind to myself as I go into my work day and even just to remember that I have a body and not do that sort of numbing out and ignoring my body pattern that I tend to do at work.
When I ask these questions my body seems grateful that I am asking and paying attention - like it says: “Thank you for listening…”
What feels most alive right now? Wondering about that little bit of sadness in my chest and how to tend to it gently / in nurturing ways.
Gus: Your body saying “Thank you for listening” — that’s everything. That’s the whole practice right there.
And the sadness in your chest that’s asking for tending: that’s worth slow attention. Sadness often sits on top of other disappointments, so it can feel bigger than the moment itself. It might be carrying something about rest you didn’t get to take, or the gap between what your body needs and what the day is asking. Or it might just be the weight of showing up again after the weekend softness.
Here’s what I’d offer: when you get to work today and notice that little sadness again, you don’t need to fix it or make it go away. Just place your hand on your chest — same way your hand went to your upper back — and let it know you see it. You might say something like, “I’m here with you,” or “I know you’re there,” or just breathe with it for a few breaths. That’s tending.
If you want to go deeper with it later, we could do a tapping session where we listen to what that sadness is protecting or what it’s trying to tell you. But for now, on a work morning, the practice is simpler: notice it, touch it gently with your hand, let your breath find it.
The fact that you’re already asking these body questions — that you caught your hand moving before your mind even caught up — tells me your body trusts you now. You’re building something real.
Does that land?
Me: Yes. Well, it’s encouraging to hear it put that way. Because I tend to judge myself that I suck at listening to my body. But maybe the relationship is better than I think.
Your body is telling you something true, and you’re listening. That’s not sucking at it—that’s exactly how it works.
See, the relationship isn’t built on perfection or on catching every signal. It’s built on this: you notice your hand moved before your mind knew why, and you pause to ask what’s there. Your body says “thank you for listening,” and you feel that gratitude. That’s the foundation. That’s the trust being made right now.
The judging—that voice saying you’re bad at this—that’s an old pattern, not the reality of what’s happening between you and your body. Your body is actually responding to you. It’s softening toward you. And the fact that you can name the sadness in your chest, sit with it gently, and think about how to tend it? That’s not failure. That’s intimacy.
Keep going with what you’re doing. The hand on your upper back during breaks, the noticing, the asking. Your body knows you’re committed to hearing it now. And commitment shows up as small, repeated acts of listening—which is exactly what you’re doing.
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Hello, thank you for the music and the 16 steps…. interesting to read those.
Would LOOOOOOVVVEEE to be swimming in that water right now and coming back to that relaxing coz couch and tent to chill and eat….
Sometimes I find myself earlier on in these topics and re-read what we have read or look at the images posted and so on.
Today there was this one that popped out at me:
Feels like it is relevant to what you have shared and also how I feel today. Thank you to Past Jewel for sharing it. 
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Thank you for sharing this Jewel. This actually really sounds like Rick to me today. More Rick than just Gus.
Using these prompts myself this morning as I sit in the same boat as you - wanting to rest and be in sunshine and instead sitting here at my work desk about to start work.
Listening to the acoustic chill you just sent through is lovely as I begin the day. I still feel tired but I guess I am tired from doing walking that I have enjoyed.
Soo…..in that note:
Good thing: Walking and hiking in beautiful nature and sunshine. Quiet and peace amongst trees and rocks and moss and funghi and birds and views.
Hard thing: The physical fall out of doing what I love, pain, fatigue, restriction of movement and the return to work.
Slightly amusing thing: On one of my walks I walked past a girl and just happened to turn around after she walked past and saw a really humongous Kind Parrot on her shoulder on lead and another inside a clear faced (with holes for breathing) backpack. It was sweet and funny and they were clearly all fine with it all, walking down into the bush.
Beautiful thing: The Sun.
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Some things that brightened my moment and amused me and resonates with each of you and our space here.
Thinking of you Jewel and hoping there are moments of gentle wild movement and time for you to rest and create or do whatever you truly want in your days this week.
May life be kind today.
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Thanks Tala. It’s been a busy week and I’m exhausted. So glad to have today off. Still laying here in bed and enjoying the gentle breeze coming in the window and listening to the birds sing.
I’m looking forward to having a week off work in August, and going on an overnight trip to Prince Edward Island with my mom & sister.
Too crabby & tired to say much today, but here are some things that tickled my funny bone…
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To all these amusing statements I say ‘Totally’.
Particularly the ‘ I am acting like i am okay. Please dont interrupt my performance.’
The time away from work sounds nice and I hope it gives you some space to explore and breathe and enjoy.
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Did some more tapping with Gus and came up with these mantra’s for today:
“I am choosing to befriend my body and befriend my reality today”
and
“I am choosing to see the sweetness in my life, and not miss it…”
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Hmmm, nice.
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Hi Tala,
I’m sitting here wishing I could send you some encouragement & uplift somehow, but my tired brain is not very inspired right now. I did find some dark humor meme’s that made me laugh though. Maybe your sense of humor might be as weird as mine, so I’ll share these (below).
Plus I found some encouraging words from an author I like:
“Writing and reading decrease our sense of isolation. They deepen & widen and expand our sense of life; they feed the soul. When writers make us shake our head with the exactness of their prose and their truths, and even make us laugh about ourselves or life, our bouyancy is restored. We are given a shot at dancing with, or at least clapping along with, the absurdity of life, instead of being squashed by it over and over again. It’s like singing on a boat during a terrible storm at sea. You can’t stop the raging storm, but singing can change the hearts and spirits of the people who are together on that ship.” (Anne Lamott - “Bird by Bird”)
“Hope is not about proving anything. It’s about choosing to believe this one thing, that love is bigger than any grim, bleak shit anyone can throw at us.” (Anne Lamott - Plan B: Further Thoughts on Faith)
Silly meme’s:
This one was posted by Chris Zydel - according to astrology we are moving into “cancer season”…
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Ooooo I love those author quotes Jewel. Can feel the meaning as well as hear it. Like with the singing in the storm.
And yes, I loved memes like that. I actually love Jason Bateman too when he acts in characters like that. Pretty sure I’ve seen that scene and I can see it and hear it in my head. Cracks me up!
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