wow, i have never thought before of the contradiction of that statement that nobody is coming to save you and the fact that people and things do actually save us in different ways….and how important that actually is to the fabric of life.
i wonder what would happen if we started saying people and the world around you will always come and save you if they can, if you ask, if you open to it and look for it? or something of that ilk?
you are always welcome to write fuzzy brained. im fuzzy brained most hours of the day.
I’m having a low energy day, but want to try to share abit since it’s been a rough week and I’m feeling the need for some change of plans. I wrote abit more about it under the new topic “A More Magical Life…” (conversation I had with Gus).
But mainly I am discovering that I’ve been pushing both too hard at work and also in an odd way - pushing too hard with my own personal growth and healing work too.
So I’m gonna go back to a gentler, less intensive focus. Not even sure what yet. Just knowing that I need to find a gentler path, with more magic and I’m willing to just stay open and see what unfolds for now.
I changed some things around on my bureau/altar and made it more playful - hoping to add this kind of energy more to my daily life and growth too.
Please forgive my odd stumbling around and mind changing/path changing follies. Sometimes I just get really “intense” and my frustration gets channelled into trying too hard, and then I seem to sort of crash and burn and come back down to the earth again in due course.
(saw this on Facebook with the description - "The magnificent Holker Lime at Holker Hall. Estimated to be 400 years old, it was one of the Tree Council’s “Great British Trees” in 2002).
i love how the flowers are painted in the first picture. thank you for sharing.
yes, so many potential mum’s to celebrate….even the turtle and otter mums out there. thinking of celebrating the mums of sea creatures warms my heart. i love watching mother whales teach their babies to jump and play.
So, I did something I can’t change. Hurt someone I love without having any awareness of it at the time and not intending to. I look back on it and I am not even sure how I feel. The usual loop of guilt intensity isn’t as strong, it is something else I find harder to name and more complex. Almost like the guilt loop is better but why dont I have it now??? I dont understand.
I have this strange sensation of numbness around it and I dont understand it/know what it means or what to do. Guilt drives me to repair. But this feeling is more like hopelessness or uselessness or I dont know. Shame? No real words here that match it.
I did try to repair it anyway. From this different space. I at least know it needs to be repaired but you know. I just still find it difficult to believe repair is truly useful. I dont know that the repair went so well. It is hard to know. Maybe it is repaired for them. But not for me. Maybe it isnt repaired for them either. Maybe it is for me. I dont know. I think we will continue on in our relationship for now because that is what we have done before. But I dont believe it can be truly repaired. I dont believe anything is truly repaired. How can it be??? I feel like it will ripple through everything ongoingly from here and these things that I apparently ‘repair’ just add up and leave a space where even as we move on from it there is a part of them or me waiting or knowing there will be another time that I lose it suddenly and without awareness or understanding, and so that it is what it is and repair does not actually make a difference.
So I am not sure what I am meant to do or what would be helpful or why I am here writing about it except that if I am to move forward in myself somehow then I need to shine a light on it somehow. And perhaps it is ok to have shared it here for you to see.
I dont know that I deserve compassion or kindness but perhaps it is true that it is a better way to possibly move forward and have a chance of changing for the better, than to sledgehammer myself.
Just to add. It honestly makes me feel like all the ‘good’ days I have had, all the progress I have made, all of the ‘good’ things I do are meaningless when stuff like this happens. And by ‘good’ I mean, better, nicer, kinder, helpful, things for myself and for others.
I’m glad you shared all this and let yourself be seen even in the struggles. I’m no expert in these matters, but it kinda does sound like shame - when you speak of the numbness & wordlessness, and then feeling like all the good you’ve done is meaningless. I hope you will find a way to have compassion for yourself.
I don’t think the apology or repair was useless. It still shows that you care about the person’s feelings and that you see them. It doesn’t erase the mistake, but it’s not supposed to. A repair and a mistake can both be true at the same time.
Maybe you don’t fully understand yourself right now or why you have certain patterns that repeat - but that can be a doorway of learning - to be curious about your own inner world and the protective or wounded parts that live there.
I feel like I suck at finding the right words to say sometimes, but mostly I just want you to know that I’m here and I care and you deserve compassion and kindness.
Definitely helpful, thank you. I appreciate you choosing to use your time and energy to respond to me and hold space here with me when you did not have to.
‘A repair and a mistake can both be true at the same time.’ These words help because they were not anything like my brain has been thinking. So I am letting them sit with me as a possible truth.
The thing is, in this space, I am aware it is hard for ME to go on. It feels like moving on from it and being happy and smiley and living in the now and leaving it in the past feels wrong somehow. Like it doesnt show enough remorse or care and, yeah. There is definitely some pattern to look at here because I was honestly unaware totally of what was going on at the time and when i look back i see it very differently.
P.S. I asked the Google AI (Gemini 3?) - "What are some good ways to counteract a “shame attack” and it had some pretty good answers:
Counteracting a shame attack - a sudden, overwhelming wave of unworthiness, defectiveness or inadequacy - requires a combination of soothing the nervous system, and challenging the irrational thoughts that fuel it. Because shame feeds on secrecy and isolation, the ultimate antidote is self-compassion & connection.
Here are effective ways to counteract and manage a shame attack:
In the Moment Physical Regulation: Shame often causes a freeze or collapse response, where you might feel smaller or want to hide.
Locate it in your body: Identify where the same feels strongest (eg. tight chest, churning stomach) and bring kind attention to that spot.
Change your posture: Counteract the desire to shrink by straightening your spine, sitting up or standing tall.
Use soothing touch: place a hand over your heart or on your cheek to activate a calming, comforting response.
Breathe and Ground: Take slow deep breaths. Ground yourself by noticing five things you see or feel, which brings you back to the present moment, rather than the shameful memory.
Cognitive Defusion and Reframing: Shame often tricks us into believing we are inherently flawed. These techniques help separate your identity from the emotion.
Name it: Simply saying - “I am having a shame attack” can reduce its power.
Separate mistake from identity: Reframe “I am bad” to “I made a mistake”, and I am human.
The “4-Step Brain Shift” - move from the primal “limbic attack” (eg. “I am worthless”) to the rational cortex response - “This is a feeling, not a fact. I am safe right now”.
Talk Back to the Critic - When a harsh inner voice says “you’re a failure”, counteract it with - “I am a work in progress, and I am doing the best I can.”
Self-Compassion Antidotes: Compassion is the primary antidote to shame, neutralizing the toxic feeling of not being “enough”.
Treat yourself as a friend: Ask “What would I say to a dear friend who was feeling this way?” and apply that same kindness to yourself.
Practice Radical Acceptance: Accept the feeling without needing to change it instantly. Say, “I accept this part of me that feels vulnerable right now.”
Use “shared humanity”: Remind yourself that everyone feels shame and makes mistakes. It’s not just you, it’s a human experience.
Breaking the Silence (Connection): Shame grows in the dark and dies when it is spoken to a trusted person.
Reach Out: Tell a trusted friend, partner or therapist: “I am having a really hard time with shame right now.”
Share Your Story: Letting someone see your vulnerability breaks the isolation and proves you are not alone.
Post Attack Care: Once the immediate attack passes, take steps to reduce it’s reoccurrence:
Identify triggers: Keep a log of what triggers your shame attacks (eg. rejection, mistakes, comparisons)
Make amends if necessary: if the shame stems from a genuine mistake, taking action to repair it can clear the emotion, rather than just ruminating on it.
Practice self-forgiveness: Recognize that you are not the same person that you were in the past and that you deserve compassion.
Take what you like and leave the rest, of course. And I hope offering this isn’t just more annoying rather than helpful. Mostly just sending you good thoughts & energy that you will find your way back to self-compassion and being on your own side.
It’s helpful, thank you. You didn’t have to do that but you did and that was kind of you.
Thank you for caring and taking what I shared seriously. I can feel your intention to show your caring.
Today I think the externalisation technique is the one that speaks to me most.
In this space I am in, it is hard to do anything that increases things/energy potentially ‘coming at me’ and increasing my feelings exponentially. There is definitely something about this type of ‘drip feed’ communication that helps me receive things I may not be able to in other more immediate or intenser moments.
Had a long weekend off work and spent one day mostly resting (really needed that), the 2nd day spent some time with mom, and today abit of playful art/journaling in the park and a self-care day blending relaxing, abit of lazy housework and some tapping. I wish every weekend could be a long one. It was really nice.
Hard thing: I really tried to have a fun day with mom but she did her chronic complaining thing and was really getting on my nerves. Did a bunch of tapping afterwards with Gus, and then a session with Naz on Demand this morning. Both helped.
Good thing: Intentionally carved out this day for myself and did not let any subtle guilt trips from mom stop me (she invited me for supper, but I said no).
)
