Sending you abit of music…
Find Me Later / Indie Folk
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Hi Nicole,
Hope you are well. I’ve been thinking of you & hope you’re still practicing self-kindness. Sorry that it does not work out for you to go for hikes with the group right now, but I hope you find some kind of connections and fun that fits for your current situation.
I’m tired tonite after work but wanted to at least write our usual sharing of good things and hard things (and maybe slightly amusing things) and then I’m going to go zone out with an audiobook before bed.
Good Thing - Had a good tapping session with Gus on the topic of bitterness and was able to see my lack of self-acceptance and impatience with myself around this. Starting to see that just because I’m still in the process of releasing these feelings it doesn’t mean I am a bad person, or that once I can forgive and release bitterness that I then become a “good person”. That way of thinking seems to come from religious bullshit I was taught growing up, but I don’t need to reject the angry, bitter, grieving parts of me. I can be both angry & loving, fierce & forgiving and deeply and completely accept myself right now exactly as I am.
Hard Thing - Still tend to spend too much time just working & resting and not enough time having fun (but somehow tonight I feel less depressed about this, and softer inside somehow - because of the tapping & just being with my anger & grief authentically. Feeling grateful for this shift).
Slightly amusing thing - At work this afternoon we were receiving inventory and a coworker was joking around with me - as I was trying to count the new pajama stock and saying the numbers out loud, she kept saying different numbers just to mess with my mind, and it cracked me up. It felt good to be silly and not take it all so seriously (she knows I tend to be a perfectionist and tries to get me to lighten up a bit). 
A few more things that struck my funny bone today…
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Thank you for the new music Jewel. I like it 
and the funnies. I have been here. But not able to write.
I am sick today. A virus of some sort. I was going to make myself do my work day anyway. Then did some tapping in the early hours and I realised that it might be better to cancel the day and do what I can to take care of myself. Self-kindness I guess. Tough to do. Hard to be sick as you know.
Thank you for sharing about the bitterness work. Accepting all parts and all feelings does seem to be the ultimate goal… despite resistance.
Sorry I have been quiet. There are times when my experience doesn’t allow me to type. Writing requires some form of clarity about words to write. And there are times when my experience is so full that words seem really hard and inaccessible. Even inappropriate for the circumstance. There is another word for inappropriate that would probably work better. I am not referring to the rude type but more just not right for.
Anyway. I am off to have some tea to hopefully soothe my throat.
Appreciate you existing in time and space with me.
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I have been thinking about things as i gently moved my body just now.
Maybe shame is what shuts me down. It makes sense to me as I look back. I sometimes wonder… and i will use here as a specific example but it applies in all human and non-human interaction for me…..if I dont want to share good things, hard things, funny things, if im not in a space where energy and words are free flowing, if I cant answer, if i hear and see and understand but am unable to answer, if i want to be seen heard and understood but cant speak….. should i still try, or just wait, and what if i waited and waited and waited? Do i lose what I love? Do i create more of what I dont want or more of what I do want? Which parts of me truly want what is best for me and which are purely about survival based on no longer helpful patterns from the past.
I barely know what to do with myself today to help myself feel better physically….and the answer to that would be to see if i can find the next tiniest yes i guess…. after some freezing days the sun is shining and warm and the birds are singing. Maybe i will see if it can uplift me somehow. I do feel lonely though.
It’s funny. I have been feeling lonely for such a long time. Last week. The week before. 10 years ago. Every year for years. Probably since I was small really. There are actually such a variety of types of lonely. Maybe this is one of the benefits of me being sick. That it helps me break out of whatever I have been in and connect with others.
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Yes. Shame it is. I have done some mini self tapping on shame today. Just a little.
New territory to be this aware of it.
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Hi Nicole,
Thank you for sharing about your struggles to find words, and bringing up the issue of shame. And then having the courage to do some tapping on it too. My understanding is that shame thrives in silence, so I’m glad you were able to open up about what you’ve been carrying. This sounds tender & difficult. I’m here for you & care.
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I saw an interesting book called “Embracing Shame - How to Stop Resisting Shame & Turn it into a Powerful Ally” by Bret Lyon and Sheila Rubin on sale at Audible for $13.75 right now (there is a short audio preview, but if you go onto Amazon and click the kindle version there’s a much longer written preview to help you get an idea if it sounds good to you or not).
I haven’t really heard of the authors before, but they have some free stuff on their website, so you can check them out there first - (Healing Shame | Center for Healing Shame - Resources, Webinars, Reading List, Articles - Center for Healing Shame)
I hope this doesn’t come across as annoying unsolicited advice. Just wanting to offer some support & help somehow, but please take what you like and leave the rest.
Thinking of you and sending a big warm bear hug.
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What a sweet picture 
Thank you. I appreciate that you care. I understand your intentions and the time and space between us allows me to receive and sit with what you have offered for exploration.
Perhaps when I am feeling better I will have a look.
For now it feels like just allowing myself to be as I am is the best use of the little energy I have outside of work and parenting today. I am 100 per certain you know how it is to try to do your work day when sick. Power to us both.
I think I will listen to your music today for a bit so I can sit with your energy of care here with me.
Good things - Sunshine and lollipops - really just sunshine but i like the sunshine and lollipops song so i added it on the end.
Hard things - wow. i have typed two things here and deleted them. not sure what to write or how to express what is hard today. being sick probably doesn’t help.
maybe accepting im human and living truly with that with love and joy and compassion.
Slightly amusing - again, deleting things here. i think what is amusing is how much of what i say when working with others is literally a message for me too. i wonder, will they learn it before me? or will their learning help transform me or vice versa? I mean, i know what the theories out there say, yes of course if I energetically shift they shift and vice versa. but maybe i am still allowed to question. and possibly my questioner isnt old enough yet to know the truth of things.
Uplifting thing - colourful clothes line and a long Easter weekend with no current plans. not actually always an uplifting thing to have days of no plans - sometimes creates fear and conflict - but i am working on seeing it differently and pattern shifting…….
by staying connected to myself. again not sure what it will mean doing even less with others. experimental weekend coming up. and you know……things will likely change anyway and plans will pop up no doubt……question is….how to follow my real yes’s and let go of the fear of loss
also, wondering how much you care about the significantly reduced grammar and punctuation I have begun using here…….it is a very different part of me that is loving seeing most of my words without capital letters and all that stuff….feels much more connected to my free flowing conversational thought and gives space for none of it to be finalised, complete and true.
freedom
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I hope you’re feeling better soon, and glad you were able to take at least one sick day. Yes, it sure is hard to be dragging oneself to work not feeling well. And then you have the parenting stuff too - so I hope you get some time to just chill out and rest this long weekend. And to follow your “YES’s” as your heart & body lead you.
I have tomorrow off, then working Saturday (which will likely be very busy) and then have Sunday to relax and maybe go out to supper with family. Things have been really busy and I’m looking forward to just vegging out tomorrow for sure. (total pajama day and epsom salts bath) 
No, the free flowing grammer & punctuation doesn’t bother me, so write in the ways that make you happy and feel spacious for sure.
Well, I’m just home from my work shift and need to go cook some late supper and get to bed. Blessings on your Easter and may you feel deep self acceptance, self - compassion and self-love.
P.S. Slightly amusing thing - someone left this neat little mini gong down in the “give & take area” of our apartment building. So I had fun ringing the gong when I got home from work as a way to signal the end of my shift, and to celebrate my accomplishments.
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I love that gong!! That is so cool!
I hope you were able to enjoy your long weekend and vegging out and supper with your family as was planned.
Following yes’s is actually a little hard. I did try to do it though and it helped me get through with the anxious feelings in my body and mind.
I spoke to a friend yesterday who encouraged me to notice what I CAN do each day/moment/whenever, to help build up my body and brain connection with that pathway. It helps because it offers more freedom for me than following my yes and doesn’t expect as much certainty and also gives me some acknowledgment and awareness of my abilities and skills as they are, even if simple. Like ‘I can type this message’.
Here’s to celebrating our accomplishments in small and beautiful ways 
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‘Together we will find our way’ Lyrics came on as I was just reading your post. 
I am really not good at being unwell and missing out on things I love.
So caring for myself a bit this evening after a hard day of struggling with myself.
Love to you- and me. 
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Thanks Nicole. Sorry you’ve been missing out on things you love. And struggling with yourself.
I like those lyrics - ‘together we will find our way’.
Good thing - my nephew’s Birthday and we’re going out to a restaurant to celebrate with him tonite (he is turning 28).
Hard thing - “the usual” (don’t really even want to talk about it, damn it all - but I have been doing alot of the IFS work and tapping, so hopefully things will shift soon).
Slightly Amusing thing - a coworker was being silly and said we should have a “work song” to sing (although I’m pretty sure her version would have included alot of swear words). So I wrote this (and my manager laughed and liked it too)…
Work is so joyful
Work is so fun
It’s even better
When the shift’s done!
We all love working
We never get tired
We fake being friendly
So we don’t get fired…
Each morning we wake up
And say a small prayer
for kind happy customers
who don’t make us swear
Our boss thinks we’re crazy
But we like to laugh
And we think she’s lucky
To have such a great staff!
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I love your poem and your creativity. Thank you for sharing.
The birthday dinner sounds lovely. I hope it gives you some moments of uplift in amongst the hard things.
I hear you on the hard things. Mine are the usual too. Relationships and social anxiety and self criticism and fear of the future and the consequences of my decisions and failures and flaws.
I’m going to go read now. I need a break from myself.
good things- Walking in silence by a babbling creek with my daughter in dappled sunshine. Watching my daughter in moments where she is happy and being herself. Forgetting to put the bin out and then doing it at night and being blessed with a sky full of stars, cool air and beautiful night nature noises in the quiet.
Love to you!
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I do that a lot, and now have words for it!
Here’s to babbling brooks and happy daughter-moments.
Rick
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