Settling & Strengthening

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Real Skills Workshop - Community Event

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Settling & Strengthening

Real Skills Workshop: Energy Savvy

Hosts: Rick Wilkes (@Rick) and Cathy Vartuli (@Cathy)

Recorded: Sun May 17 2026

Replay is below

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[RickThrivingNow]

From Cathy Vartuli

How Do We Actually Settle Down?

Do you remember being told, as a child, to “settle down”… and having no idea what that actually meant?

Maybe it wasn’t gentle.

Maybe it was an exasperated parent or caregiver saying:

• Go to sleep

• Be quiet

• Stop being so fussy

• Settle down

And it felt urgent. Demanded.

And somehow… You were supposed to know how to do it.

But most of us were never actually taught.

No one showed us what “settling down” feels like inside the body.

And many of our parents or caregivers didn’t know how to settle themselves either.

They needed quiet because they were overwhelmed.
They may have learned how to look still… but not how to actually be settled.

So there was nothing clear to learn from.

What We Learn Instead

As kids, when someone tells us to settle down, there’s often a first moment of:

Do I know how to do this?
No… I don’t.

So we look around.

Is there someone here who knows how?

Sometimes we can learn just by watching. We don’t even have to ask.

But if no one around us knows how to settle…
Or we can’t see what they’re doing inside…

Then we’re left guessing.

So we imitate the outside.

I would copy:

• Sitting still

• Closing my eyes

• Looking calm

But inside, I had no idea what I was doing.

And honestly, that made me more nervous and more frustrated…
because I could feel that I didn’t know what I was doing, and I wasn’t sure if I was doing it right.

So instead of settling… I was performing.

And eventually, I started avoiding it.

I’m curious if you’ve ever felt that too.

This Is the Part That Really Changed Things for Me

This is something I’m still practicing.

I’m learning it in real time.

And what’s becoming clearer is this: It’s not just that we weren’t taught.

It’s also that our nervous system matters.

Sometimes we don’t know how to settle.

And sometimes, even if we start learning…Our body doesn’t know how to drop in.

If your system has been:

• Busy

• Stressed

• Constantly “on”

You may not have the muscle memory for settling.

And when you try to be still or quiet your mind, you might notice:

• Your thoughts get louder

• Your mind keeps looping

• Your body feels restless or tense

This is often what people mean when they say they “struggle with meditation” or “can’t quiet their mind.”

And sometimes, the more we try to force ourselves to be still or quiet…The worse it feels.

Especially if your system has experienced:

• Fight

• Flight

• Freeze

• Collapse

For some of us, stillness itself can feel unsafe.

So if settling feels hard, frustrating, or even activating…It’s not just about skill.

It’s also about your nervous system learning something new.

If We Don’t Automatically Know How… How Do We Begin?

I talked to a teacher at my Buddhist center about meditation.

I told him I was struggling.

And he said, even after decades of practice, he doesn’t just drop in.

He sits with his busy mind first.

(You might pause for a moment here and notice… is your mind busy right now?)

That really changed something for me.

Because I thought I was supposed to:

• Relax immediately

• Get quiet right away

• Fall asleep quickly

And when that didn’t happen… it was frustrating.

But settling is something we build, not something we snap into.

There Are Different Ways to Practice This

It can help to know there isn’t just one way to do this.

There are different kinds of meditation.

One is often called focused attention:

• bringing your attention to something like the breath

• gently coming back when your mind wanders

Another is often called open monitoring:

• noticing sensations, internal and external (Sounds, touch, smells, etc)

• without getting caught up in them

You don’t have to remember the names.
I just find it helpful to know there are different ways in.

Let the Mind Be Busy First

Like my teacher said, I don’t try to force my mind to be quiet at first.

I give it time and space to be busy.

I let it move.

But I don’t get involved.

And what I mean by that is…

I notice the thoughts, but I don’t have to believe them.
I don’t have to act on them.

There’s a part of my mind trying to solve, looping, trying to figure things out.

I can notice that part… without becoming it.

“Oh, that thought has come around four times.”
“I must be really worried about that.”
“Oh, look how I bounced from this to that.”

(You might pause for a moment and notice just how busy your mind is right now.)

And if I get caught in it…

I come back.

And I come back again.

This is a lifelong practice.

It doesn’t go away. We just get more familiar with coming back.

Come Back to the Body (Through Real Sensation)

I also come back to my body.

Not just in one way. In a few different ways.

• What does the chair feel like under you right now?

• Is it firm, soft, or textured?

• What does the fabric feel like under your fingertips?

• Is it smooth, rough, warm, cool?

• What sounds can you hear right now? maybe a car passing, a low hum, a bird?

• Is there any scent in the room, even a faint one?

(If you want, take a moment and notice one thing you can feel… one thing you can hear… and just be with it.)

This brings you out of your thoughts and into your body.

Be With the Breath (Without Trying to Fix It)

I also spend time with my breath.

And I love how Thích Nhất Hạnh teaches being with the breath… just noticing it as it is.

Because what many of us will do automatically…Is try to control it.

We try to slow it down.
Make it deeper.
Fix it.

And that can actually make things tighter.

For some of us, it can even trigger a nervous system response…Like the body becomes very still, very alert.

Almost like a frightened rabbit tucked into the bushes.

Not relaxed… but watchful. Listening. Braced.

So instead: Just notice.

Is it fast?
Shallow?
Uneven?

(You might notice your next inhale… and your next exhale… without changing anything.)

Often, when we stop trying to control it…

It softens on its own.

You Don’t Have to Be Still First

Stillness is not always step one.

If your body is activated, it might need movement first.

You might gently ask yourself:

Would it feel better to shift a little?
To stretch?
To adjust how I’m sitting?

And then notice what your body responds to.

That can look like:

• Stretching

• Rocking

• Shifting your weight

• Walking slowly

You’re not forcing stillness.

You’re listening for what helps your body settle.

Go Slowly. You’re Building a Muscle

You don’t have to go all the way in.

If something feels like too much, you can ease back.

A little awareness.
Then rest.

A little more.
Then come back.

You are building a muscle for settling.

And that takes time.

Ritual Helps

We are very contextual beings.

If you spend a lot of time in bed worrying, your body can associate bed with anxiety.

So it can help to have a separate place for settling.

And a simple ritual:

• lighting a candle

• using a scent

• getting a blanket

• turning off your phone

You might ask yourself:

Is there something I already do that could become part of this?

Something that helps me feel a little more present, or a little more intentional?

If It Won’t Be Quiet, Write It Down

If something won’t leave my mind, I’ll jot it down on a post-it note.

Just enough to get it out of my head.

Not to process it.

Just so my mind knows:
“I won’t forget.”

And then I come back.

Support Yourself

Sometimes I add a little physical support:

• wrapping in a blanket

• placing a hand on my chest

• holding my arms

• even a little gentle tapping

And sometimes I’ll also look around the room.

Really look.

• Where am I?

• What’s actually here?

• Are there any lions or tigers here?

• Is there an angry parent telling me to settle right now?

(You might pause and look around for a moment.)

And let your body register:

I’m here.
There’s no immediate danger.
It’s okay to begin to relax.

It’s Not Linear

Some days I settle more easily.

Some days I don’t.

And I used to judge that.

But that pulls me back into my mind.

Now I think of it as building capacity.

Building a muscle.

And sometimes progress looks like:

“I noticed sooner.”

That counts.

This Isn’t Something You Perform

This isn’t something you perform.

It’s something you learn.

And you’re learning it in your body.

A Gentle Question

What if settling down isn’t something you were supposed to already know……But something you’re allowed to learn?

And what if nothing is wrong with you if it’s hard?

I’m Curious About You

What helps you settle?

Are there small rituals, practices, or things you’ve discovered that support you?

Feel free to share. Someone else might need exactly what you’ve found.

Let’s do some tapping to help anchor this!

Side of Hand

Even though I struggle with settling down, and part of me feels like I should already know how, I choose to be gentle with myself right now.

Even though I’ve often felt frustrated, ashamed, or like I’m doing it wrong, maybe I can soften a little and be here now.

Even though my body and mind don’t always know how to settle, I’m open to learning, slowly and kindly, right here in this moment.

Top of Head
I struggle with settling down…

Eyebrow
I’m not always sure how to do it.

Side of Eye
This frustration in my mind and body.

Under Eye
Trying to make myself be calm.

Under Nose
Feeling like I should already know how…

Chin
This pressure to get it right.

Collarbone
This tension in my body.

Under Arm
This feeling that I’m doing it wrong.

Top of Head
And maybe I’ve been hard on myself about this.

Top of Head
No one really taught me how to settle.

Eyebrow
Maybe my parents or caregivers didn’t know how either.

Side of Eye
Maybe they wanted me quiet because they were overwhelmed.

Under Eye
And I learned to look still on the outside.

Under Nose
Even when I wasn’t settled on the inside.

Chin
No wonder this has been hard.

Collarbone
No wonder my body gets tense.

Under Arm
No wonder I’ve felt frustrated or scared.

Top of Head
And I’m noticing that now with kindness.

Top of Head
What if I don’t have to force this.

Eyebrow
What if I can notice my thoughts without believing all of them.

Side of Eye
What if I can notice my breath without trying to control it?

Under Eye
What if I can look around and see that I’m safe right now?

Under Nose
There is no lion or tiger here.

Chin
There is no angry parent telling me to settle right now.

Collarbone
Maybe my nervous system can learn this a little at a time.

Under Arm
Maybe I’m building a muscle for settling.

Top of Head
And I’m doing something kind and good for myself right now.

[RickThrivingNow]

Unsettled. I knew what THAT felt like! As a perfectionist “good boy” kid, a lot unsettled me.

I remember being told, “Settle Down!” But who actually shows you more than “sit down, stay still, be quiet!” (Cathy wrote about that with tapping here in How Do We Actually Settle Down?).

Settling, though, is a skill that could be learned. They just didn’t teach me.

A missing piece was as I settled my energy into my body, and brought my mind back to focus on what mattered to me, I also needed to ***strengthen.

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If I didn’t strengthen as I settled, I’d feel a low of power… a weakness. And who wants to feel WEAKER!?! Not me.

Cathy and I will be exploring this energetic skill. Perhaps exploring this together could help you be both settling and strengthening, too. If so, we invite you to join us today at 5pm EDT. The zoom link is below.

Explore this with Rick’s AI here if you’d like…

[RickThrivingNow]

Settling & Strengthening - Workshop Replay

Settling & Strengthening

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We covered…

1. Let Settling Be a Process, Not a Switch
   Settling does not usually happen because we command ourselves to “calm down” right now. We can give ourselves room to be a little fussy, busy, shaky, or disorganized at first, and then allow the system to settle in its own way. In everyday life, this means we stop treating unsettled feelings as failure and start saying, “This is where I am, and I can settle and strengthen into the next moment.”

2. Allow What Is Here Without Forcing It
   When we try to force ourselves into calm, we often stir things up even more. Allowing begins with honesty: “I am unsettled,” “I should have, and I didn’t,” “I don’t know what to do yet.” That kind of truth gives our nervous system something real to work with, and from there we can tap, breathe, pause, or simply sit with ourselves until a little more clarity becomes available.

3. Pair Settling With Strengthening
   Settling by itself can sometimes feel like collapse, giving up, or going flat. Strengthening adds an uprightness, a sense of spine, heart, and capacity, so we are not just quieting down but becoming more able to meet life. We can practice this by feeling gravity support us while also sensing our inner structure, letting ourselves become both softer and more capable.

4. Notice Whether Your Body Wants Stillness or Movement
   Sometimes settling comes from sitting down, lying back, or feeling our contact with the chair. Other times, especially if we are frozen or buzzing, we may need to pace, wiggle, shake out our hands, stomp our feet, or change position. The real skill is learning our own nervous system well enough to ask, “What would help me settle just a little right now?”

5. Use the Body as a Way Back to Now
   Our busy mind can spin stories, worries, and old meanings, while the body can help us return to this moment. We can notice our sit bones, the temperature of the room, our feet, our hands, our breath as it already is, or whether gravity is doing some of the holding for us. These simple sensory cues can bring us out of looping thoughts and back into the here and now.

6. Treat Unsettledness as a Clue
   When our mind gets loud or our energy starts swirling, it may be pointing toward something underneath: a belief, a fear, an old memory, or something we are avoiding. Instead of judging the swirl, we can ask gently, “What do I believe this means?” or “Is there something I don’t want to feel right now?” Even a little awareness gives us more choice and helps us face what is there with settled strength.

7. Build Safety a Little at a Time
   For some of us, relaxing or settling was not always safe. We may have learned to stay busy, stay alert, or stay in crisis so we would not be criticized, overlooked, or caught off guard. We can strengthen safety now by looking around, letting our eyes actually see where we are, noticing what is different from the past, and allowing even one percent more ease to count as real progress.

8. Practice at the Branch Points
   Everyday life gives us small moments where we can react, tighten, snap, collapse, or choose something a bit more settled. Traffic, waiting, parenting, tech frustrations, interruptions, and delays can all become practice points. Each time we settle enough to ask a clearer question, take the next useful step, or choose not to escalate, we build the pathway for more steadiness next time.

9. Let Resistance Have a Voice
   Sometimes the most honest place to begin is, “I’m not going to settle, and you can’t make me.” That refusal may be protecting us from old pressure, shame, or the feeling of being controlled. When we let resistance speak while tapping or breathing, it often softens on its own, and we may discover that we can settle a little anyway without betraying ourselves.

10. Replenish Instead of Just Resting
    Rest can feel complicated when we are still responsible, still on call, or still carrying emotional labor. Replenishing gives us another doorway: we can reset our eyes, wash our hands, get a drink, unclench our shoulders, or shift from one role into another with more choice. These small resets help us settle out of one mode and strengthen into the next one.

11. Choose How and With Whom We Reveal Our Unsettledness
    Settling and strengthening does not mean pretending we are fine. It helps us become more honest and discerning about what we reveal, who can receive it, and what kind of help we are asking for. We can still be real, vulnerable, and human while choosing our words, our timing, and our level of exposure in ways that protect our dignity and support a more thriving life.

Resources Mentioned

1. Free EFT Tapping Guide

2. Thriving Now Emotional Freedom Circle

Click for Computer Generated Transcript

Settling & Strengthening

[00:00:00] Rick: Settling and strengthening: a real skills workshop. And, yeah, I’m honestly not all that settled. Just being real, right? Mm-hmm. And, sometimes when you’re, when you’re here and you’re gonna be teaching, the universe has a way of showing up, and, uh, it showed up in a little tiny friend. I use that term, uh, facetiously.

[00:00:33] I got a tick on the inside of my leg at some point, and last night at 11, I’m getting ready for bed and there’s that little booger. And this is after a week of being flooded by everyone we know talking about how the, the latest study from my zip code here in Asheville shows that one third of all the ticks have, carry Lyme.

[00:00:59] Great. Now, I have not had a tick, uh, on me in, uh, in, in my skin for at least nine or 10 years, even though I walk… I’ve walked 1,850 times out in the, the, the forest. They don’t seem to, like, be generally attracted to me. So here I am, everyone’s going to bed, and it shook me. Wasn’t… Didn’t start screaming or anything.

[00:01:29] It didn’t like, like an, a taser, but it was sh- it, it shook me. And the image that I’ve been having around this workshop is, if you imagine a, a big jar, good solid glass jar, and it’s got sand and pebbles and a couple rocks in it, and, and somebody comes… And it- you love to look at it. It’s right there on your desk, and it’s, you know, you occasionally plop a flower in it.

[00:01:57] It’s, it’s really nice. It’s just very zen and calm. And, and then somebody comes along and just shakes it. It’s amazing how much shaking a little tiny deer tick can do. And y- you know, your, your sand is all over, the rocks made lots of noise inside. And y- you might… I got a little upset and started tapping at how upset I was.

[00:02:27] Mm. And yet the truth is that that little, little tick ticked me off. It really shook me. It unsettled me. And, as we go forward, Cathy and I, we’re gonna be touching on things like, you know, the outside world, including nature- And including all the other things, including things that happen in our own body, can shake us up, unsettle us.

[00:02:53] And if it takes some … I, I do believe that there’s a very natural kind of settling that happens unless somebody’s sitting there, you know, shaking you constantly or something inside is shaking you constantly, then it,

[00:03:06] Cathy: you know- Sometimes we shake ourselves. At least I know I do … we

[00:03:08] Rick: shake ourselves. so we’re gonna be looking at that.

[00:03:12] Is there something that we can d- some things that we can do where some of the source of this is… And I’m delighted to be co-creating here with Cathy Vartuli, uh, from The Intimacy Dojo and Thriving Now. Do you ever get shaken, unsettled? It’s actually-

[00:03:29] Cathy: Has it ever happened

[00:03:30] Rick: to you?

[00:03:31] Cathy: This topic came up because I, I’ve shared a number of times, I’m s- I’m studying Buddhism.

[00:03:35] And I, I’m meeting with a teacher every week to help me with my studies, and he sa- you know, every time he’s like, “How is your meditation going?” And I’m like, “It really sucked this week. I just couldn’t settle.” And he’s like, “What are you trying to do?” And I’m like, “Be with my breath immediately.” And he’s like, “You know, like, get right there.”

[00:03:53] And he’s like, “I, I’ve been doing this, like, 60 years or something,” some amazing amount of time. And he’s very, like, he’s very aware. And he’s like, “I don’t do that. I just let myself be unsettled for a little bit. I just don’t believe it. Like, I let it… I- kind of a meta awareness, but let myself be a little fussy, let my brain wanna wiggle around, and then I just allow it to settle.”

[00:04:17] And like, I’m like, oh my gosh, I never real- you know, that just kind of opened the door for me. Like, no one ever really taught me how to settle down. I just think I’m supposed to do it immediately. like I’m supposed to go to bed and, like, flip a switch and be asleep. Why am I restless when I’m meditating?

[00:04:31] Why am I not… My God, today, like, I was meditating this morning with the Sangha, and I’m like, my God, my brain was, like, here, there, everywhere, and other days it’ll just sink right in. And, I think that it’s really important, one, to realize that it’s not always like a light switch, and two, to look at some of the things that are happening in our minds and our beliefs that may block ourselves.

[00:04:53] Because I know if I think I’m supposed to settle like this- And I’m not, I actually get more agitated and less settled because I’m, like, blaming and shaming myself, like, “What’s wrong?” And I’m trying to force myself to do something when I’m… My brain’s like, “Wait, what’s going on?” As opposed to like, “Oh, okay, here I am.”

[00:05:12] And I love Thich Nhat Hanh talks about just being with our breath. He says, “Don’t try to control it.” 'Cause when we try to control it, especially for people that have trauma, it can be very, very triggering to try to hold-- to control your breath. He’s like, "Just be with this inhale right now. Just be with this exhale.

[00:05:31] Don’t try to change the speed or the depth. Just be with it and be present with it, and it’s gonna naturally slow and j- and, and deepen." But when we try to force it, we’re actually doing ourselves a disservice, where we can flood ourselves with adrenaline in not fun ways.

[00:05:49] Rick: Yeah. Well s- y- and l- we’re-- these are invitations to please always know with Cathy and I that- Oh, yeah

[00:05:56] if we’re saying, “Take a breath,” it’s an invitation to, and it’s an invitation. And so just take your breath, whatever. Doesn’t have to be deep, doesn’t have to be anything other than your breath right now, if you want. And just notice.

[00:06:16] Now mine had a sigh, not a, “Ah,” sigh, you know? But like a huff, you know? Yeah. And to me, that’s, that’s one of the little clues that I notice as I’m starting to settle. And this is, this is what we’re… Part of the skill of this is to add some nuance to a lot of the, affirmatives, like, “Oh, you just need to, you know, sit down and follow your breath.”

[00:06:51] Uh, as Cathy noted, for a lot of us, being told what to do- Does not help … it does not help. I’m a freedom-oriented person. If you, if you tell me, uh, “Rick, you just need to sit down and settle down. You know how to do that,” I’d be like… The profanity that would naturally flow- … as I, as I sought to shake them up.

[00:07:21] You know, we can, we can co-regulate a- and co-dysregulate too. Yes. You know? Right. So but if you were trying to force the, the sand and the water to settle down to the bottom- You’re just

[00:07:38] Cathy: gonna get messier. Like, you’re trying to put it down- … it stirs it up.

[00:07:42] Rick: I just, I’m splashing the water around, making it worse.

[00:07:46] That’s the quality of forcing ourselves, and- in emotional freedom work, there’s this concept called allowing, which is like, oh yeah, I am un- I am shaken. And so if I’m sitting there and I’m shaken, and I s- if you had, had a movie I could show you, I started pacing around. I’m not gonna show you the movie even if it existed; I was in my underwear.

[00:08:10] And I keep looking at my inner leg and this little black dot, and I’m like, “Wah.” And I just allowed myself to sit

[00:08:23] and stare at it.

[00:08:27] And you can probably imagine that going from pacing to sitting, it could have gone either way, right? It could have been like, “Ah, I need to get this thing off of me.” Like, my primitive brain was open to going in that direction. And by looking at it like, “I need to figure out what this thing is,” and settling, like, oh, I need to take a…

[00:08:52] I, I’m gonna take a photograph before I do anything else. And I took a close-up photograph of, of the tick. Now even recounting that, I can feel my, my nervous system settling. And what do we get there? Well, from a skill standpoint, I would say if you’re walking around pacing, try sitting or even lying down or going down on all fours and barking.

[00:09:19] You know, like, something we settle often by switching the state that we’re in that’s where we’re still being shaken. Yeah, and,

[00:09:28] Cathy: and actually if you’re in kind of a freeze mode, getting up and pacing or moving around can actually help you settle. It depends on where your nervous system is. Right. And I think we- the cool thing is we get to learn ourselves.

[00:09:39] I’m getting better at noticing the nuances of, oh, this is a get move around time. Oh, this is a sit quietly time. I don’t always get it right, but I’m learning myself, which is, uh, cool.

[00:09:51] Rick: Which is why we do these workshops and practice it ourselves too because these are skills, and they’re not… For me, I’m not a master of settling and strengthening.

[00:10:01] No. And it is as a practice really useful. And so with the workshop coming up today, last night I’m thinking, “I am really unsettled.” Now, one of the things I like about tapping is, and we use EFT Tapping if you’re not familiar with it. Boy, I’m excited for you. Learn EFT Tapping – Thriving Now. We have a free guide and lots of, uh, resources.

[00:10:29] But tapping, guess what? If I’m sitting there like, “Ah,” and I start tapping any, any point, guess what you’ve done? You’ve just changed what’s happening in your nervous system. You’re moving- In a different way. And if your body has been tapping for anxiety or, fears or frustrations or self-blame, what I noticed as soon as I just started tapping my collarbone point last night is that, part of the shakeup was this feeling of I should have done a tick check the night before.

[00:11:07] Speaker 3: Mm.

[00:11:09] Rick: Anyone else blame themselves when they get shaken up, right?

[00:11:12] Cathy: You should do, do something different. It’s your own fault.

[00:11:15] Rick: Yeah. I, I should. A, a should is a, a, a shakeup. It has a shaking kind of, quality to it. And just by tapping, yeah, I should have, and I didn’t.

[00:11:27] Cathy: Can we just do a round? Can you just lead some tapping on that?

[00:11:30] Rick: Yeah. So we start at the side of the hand usually, and we make a statement that feels true. Doesn’t have to be true, just feels like even though I should have.

[00:11:42] Cathy: Even though I should have.

[00:11:43] Rick: And I didn’t.

[00:11:44] Cathy: And I didn’t.

[00:11:46] Rick: Dang.

[00:11:47] Cathy: Dang, what was I thinking?

[00:11:51] Rick: Now what?

[00:11:52] Cathy: Now what?

[00:11:55] Rick: I’m open to settling myself anyway.

[00:11:58] Cathy: I’m open to thinking about settling myself anyway.

[00:12:02] Rick: On the head: I didn’t.

[00:12:04] Cathy: I didn’t.

[00:12:05] Rick: Eyebrow: I should have.

[00:12:07] Cathy: I should have.

[00:12:09] Rick: Side of the eye: now I’m all unsettled.

[00:12:11] Cathy: Now I’m all unsettled.

[00:12:14] Rick: And that’s not a great look for me.

[00:12:16] Cathy: That’s not a great look for me.

[00:12:17] Rick: But it is where I am.

[00:12:19] Cathy: But it is where I am.

[00:12:21] Rick: And it’s okay.

[00:12:22] Cathy: And it’s okay.

[00:12:24] Rick: I’m open to settling a bit.

[00:12:26] Cathy: I’m open to settling a bit.

[00:12:28] Rick: It’s not a requirement.

[00:12:29] Cathy: It’s not a requirement.

[00:12:39] Rick: And I’d really like to feel my possibilities here.

[00:12:43] Cathy: I’d really like to feel my possibilities here.

[00:12:47] Rick: Including sitting here and not knowing.

[00:12:49] Cathy: Including sitting here and not knowing.

[00:12:54] Rick: Now I didn’t… I- That’s, that’s sort of a look at the energy of what I had, which was I don’t know what to do here. And I sat there settling, not knowing.

[00:13:08] Now this workshop is about settle- settling and strengthening. And as someone very nicely pointed out, if I settle, uh, you can imagine perhaps that someone might just be so overwhelmed by what to do and what not to do and, uh, what’s gonna happen in the future from this little tiny tick, that they might collapse, right?

[00:13:33] That was there as an option, right? Just like panic screaming is an option. descending into, you know, shame that I hadn’t tended to myself or… So the strengthening part is, as I’m sitting there, I’m just letting myself feel a bit more upright, okay? Just like settle and strengthen. The yin, letting it settle, and feeling for the jar, feeling for the rocks of us.

[00:14:04] The rocks didn’t get bothered by the, the… They might’ve gotten moved around, banged into things, made noise. If I, if I ended up a little bit more cracked than usual, that’s, that’s pretty par for the course for me. I’m pretty cracked. And, but just allowing yourself to feel the container of you, and for me, the spine, just feeling my spine there.

[00:14:31] Sometimes I’ll feel it, a very subtle kind of lengthening, like settle and strengthening. And I, I bring this up, we’ll do more of these kinds of exercises as we go forward, but this is, this is the, the savvy part of this real skill. I was always told to settle down, not to settle and strengthen. And I’ve noticed that my body and my nervous system is a lot more willing to settle if I’m, if I’m also inviting a strengthening.

[00:15:04] I think- It could be a deepening. Yeah. Does that make sense?

[00:15:08] Cathy: Yeah. Transitions are hard anyway for h- most humans. The only p- people that like change are a wet baby, and sometimes they will fight you. and when we’re transitioning to something, something positive, it’s so much easier than just… I know when I, my early, early memory of my grandmother feeling probably pretty frustrated.

[00:15:27] I was, like, a year and a half older than my little sister, who had bad colic and was crying all the time, and she was trying to get me to sleep so she could tend to her. And she’s just like, “Close your eyes and, and you’ll be asleep in no time. Just settle down. Settle down.” And it was like, I think the transition became more challenging because, one, I was a little kid, I wanted to play, and, like, the tran- I was transitioning to sleep, which was not exciting.

[00:15:52] not strengthening myself. and because I didn’t know how to do what she was saying, like, my brain didn’t just turn off the way she’s like, “Close your eyes, you’ll be asleep in no time.” I’m like, I’m trying to keep my eyes closed, but they wanna see what’s going on, and there’s noises going around and- I learned to be uncomfortable with that transition into settling down.

[00:16:12] And I think there is some discomfort, but I think there’s added discomfort when, for me, if I don’t know how to do something and I see, like, people expect me to know how to do it, I really shit on myself. I really can ki- like, oh my God, everyone else seems to know how to do this thing. I actually think most of them are faking it, pretending.

[00:16:30] But, uh, 'cause my family in general doesn’t know how to settle down. but I didn’t know that. Like I’m, you know, m- looking mirror neurons, looking, seeing how they’re reacting, and they’re not… They, like, seem to be like they close their eyes. They look quiet. and I’m like, "Oh, I should know how to do this.

[00:16:46] Uh, there’s something wrong with me." And that added a lot of stress to that transition. So, like, when I go to settle, I like love the idea of and strengthen. And something like we’re heading towards something nice. But I think also if we can learn to be d- with the discomfort but also lighten the discomfort a little, we can make that whole transition so much easier.

[00:17:07] Rick: Do you do some tapping on that kind of disorientation? 'Cause I think that’s a part of this whole energy-

[00:17:14] Cathy: Yeah … Yeah. I invite you, if y- if something comes to you, just kinda hold that in mind. You can write it, jot it down on a Post-It note or whatever. 'cause sometimes there’s our… Once we consciously realize that that’s where an anchor point is, a memory or a belief came in, when we start flailing around and like, oh, this is something I learned when I was two or three.

[00:17:35] Grandma was trying to get me to sleep, and she was ver- pretty frustrated with me, and I thought I was a bad kid. But I’m not a bad kid. Grandma’s not here right now. Just kind of consciously connecting with that anchor point can really help dissolve some of the stuff going on. And I just invite you to be with your body for a moment if you, if that feels good.

[00:17:55] Take a gentle breath. See if you can notice… If your mind’s very busy, that’s fine. Your mind is welcome here just as it is. And if you can notice where you’re like, how does your butt feel in the chair? How does… What’s the temperature in the room? Noticing some of those sensing things can help you just get here and now and out of…

[00:18:14] I, I live in my head. I love to live in my head, but being in my body is a very nice thing too. So invite you to tap along as it feels good. Nice deep breath. Even though I learned really early on…

[00:18:30] Rick: Even though I learned really early on…

[00:18:33] Cathy: I was supposed to be able to settle myself …

[00:18:36] Rick: I was supposed to be able to settle myself.

[00:18:39] Cathy: And they often said it in a kind of impatient tone.

[00:18:42] Rick: And they always said it in an impatient tone.

[00:18:45] Cathy: And I just didn’t know how to do it.

[00:18:49] Rick: I didn’t really know how to do it, how to feel it, how to be it.

[00:18:53] Cathy: Yeah. They never explained what that meant.

[00:18:57] Rick: They never explained what it meant

[00:18:59] Cathy: And I couldn’t even copy them 'cause they weren’t really doing it either

[00:19:02] Rick: And I couldn’t copy them because they weren’t doing it either

[00:19:05] Cathy: Kids are great at copying other people, but only when they actually know how to do it

[00:19:10] Rick: Kids are great at copying people, but only when they know really how to do it

[00:19:15] Cathy: Top of that, it was really disorienting It

[00:19:18] Rick: was so disorienting.

[00:19:20] Cathy: I know. I blamed myself

[00:19:23] Rick: I blame myself, of course

[00:19:24] Cathy: Under the side of the eye: And that did not help me settle

[00:19:28] Rick: And that did not help me settle

[00:19:30] Cathy: Under the Eye: No one ever said, “Hey, it’s okay to be f- to feel a little disorganized at first.”

[00:19:37] Rick: No one ever said it was okay to feel disorganized at first

[00:19:40] Cathy: Under the Nose: No one ever said it’s okay to have a busy mind

[00:19:45] Rick: No one said it was okay to have a busy mind

[00:19:48] Cathy: Chin: What if it’s okay to have that busy mind?

[00:19:52] Rick: What if it’s okay to have that busy mind?

[00:19:55] Cathy: Collarbone: And I can breathe and just be with that mind

[00:19:59] Rick: What if I could breathe and be with that mind?

[00:20:02] Cathy: Under the Arm: Hey, it’s kinda busy in here

[00:20:05] Rick: Hey, it is kinda busy in here

[00:20:08] Cathy: Top of the Head: But I don’t have to necessarily believe what my brain says

[00:20:13] Rick: I don’t have to believe what my brain always says

[00:20:16] Cathy: Eyebrow: I can just listen to the busyness

[00:20:18] Rick: I can listen to the busyness

[00:20:20] Cathy: Side of the Eye: And notice that my mind is often really busy

[00:20:25] Rick: Notice that my mind is often really busy

[00:20:28] Cathy: Under the Eye: It’s very im- feels very important

[00:20:31] Rick: Feels very important

[00:20:33] Cathy: Under the Nose: And it’s okay to let myself relax a little bit right now

[00:20:40] Rick: And it is okay to let myself relax a bit right now

[00:20:44] Cathy: Chin: I can allow it, not force it

[00:20:47] Rick: I can allow it, not force it

[00:20:49] Cathy: Collarbone: What if I let that busy mind relax just a little bit?

[00:20:54] Rick: What if I let that busy mind relax a little bit?

[00:20:58] Cathy: Under the Arm: I don’t have to be there right this second

[00:21:01] Rick: I don’t have to be there right thic- this second

[00:21:04] Cathy: Top of the Head: I can allow myself to transition

[00:21:08] Rick: I can allow myself to transition

[00:21:11] Cathy: And just take a gentle, deep breath. Notice what’s coming up for you.

[00:21:16] Maybe, you know, some of you may be like, “Oh, that feels great,” and other people are like, “No, I can’t do that.” Or you might be remembering a time when someone pushed you to settle down or you felt like you needed to. All, that’s all useful

[00:21:28] Rick: Using my, my jar again, I just, during that time I got a picture of where I would be really excited, okay?

[00:21:41] And it was too much. And so they would shake me energetically, not, not necessarily physically, but like, “Ricky, be quiet!” Now for me, who really felt like I needed to be a good boy, anyth- any kind of criticism was like a really big shake. And I discovered something that makes sense energetically to me now.

[00:22:08] If I drain my life force away, guess what happens? The sand and everything else is settled down pretty quickly, isn’t it? But you don’t have any juice left. You don’t have any wa- you don’t have that fluidity anymore. You’re just, it’s, it’s a jar. Still your jar. The rocks and sand and stuff are kind of down at the bottom.

[00:22:30] But where’s the flow?

[00:22:31] Cathy: Mm-hmm. It’s paras- you’re not in parasympathetic renewal relaxing. You’re in collapse, submit, I’ll be quiet so they won’t yell at me relaxing, or being quiet. Yeah. It’s not, it’s not renewing.

[00:22:43] Rick: So then you have to kinda allow yourself maybe to fill a bit back up. Mm. And that’s where if I’m, if I’m looking at settling and strengthening, there’s a quality of there’s a part of me that is allowing myself to settle.

[00:22:58] And as a subtle feeling, the question I sometimes ask is, is gravity working? Now that’s an invitation for me to do what Cathy was saying, feeling your sit bones, noticing how do you know that gravity is working? Do you have to work to stay in your chair or… If not, let yourself feel that gravity actually can hold us more.

[00:23:25] We, my butt tends to resist gravity, like keeps a little bit of a tight ass kind of thing. And, so part of my practice is to let gravity do a little more of the work, and in that my legs feel a settling too. Again, if you look at it nervous system-wise, if a muscle is tight, what you’re getting is a, a pretty constant signal.

[00:23:57] Tight, tight, tight, tight, tight, right? It’s a, it’s a vibration in there, a signaling that says, “Keep working. Keep working. Keep working. Keep working.” No feedback.

[00:24:06] Cathy: I might have to run really fast right now. I’m not, you know, lions and tigers.

[00:24:11] Rick: So any kind of subtle message or inquiry into your body, like oh, is the gravity working?

[00:24:18] How would I know? Oh, well, I could be a little bit less of a tight ass. I’m g- I’m really letting you guys into my world, you know? This is… And, and even my elbows on the arms of the chair. Down the floor. If, if I let the contact point, if I let myself settle into the contact point, what happens upstream toward the top of the jar?

[00:24:46] My brain starts floating more. My, my shoulders start floating more. And if I, if I then bring, and I can do it with a breath or just the visualization of my spine, the strengthening to me is… physiologically, there’s a energy rising in my spine just to strengthen it. It’s like, oh, my, my spine has structure to it, and ligaments that are different than the muscles that move me.

[00:25:20] They hold me together, and if I allow those to strengthen, this pull at the back of my head can actually relax. This is where the primitive brain predominantly is, in the, at the top of the spine. It gets first crack at everything. Any sensation here of like, oh, settle and strengthen, the primitive brain does get a message like, "Oh, yeah, we’re not bracing.

[00:25:52] We’re strengthening. Strengthening is good." Regardless of what happens, my primitive brain goes, “Yeah, stronger is better than…” Unless, you know, you’re collapsing because that’s your strategy to survive, which I learned as a child and, I, I can’t think of situations now where collapsing really is to my benefit or to anyone else’s.

[00:26:16] Maybe you, maybe, maybe you have a few, which we can honor as, like, real life. But settling and strengthening is a… We want it to be something that allows the upper part of us to clarify, to… and our heart to start feeling strong- stronger and more solid. A hand on my heart, if I’m feeling very anxious, like last night, I, there was a point where I, I went in and asked for help, and that was very vulnerable.

[00:26:51] My, my partner needs her s- her sleep, and, I said, “I could really use your help with this, with a tick.” And, and then I quietly closed the door. She was helping our boy, go to, go to sleep. And I went back in the other room, and I just put my hand on my heart, and my heart was just uncertain. You know, when you ask for help and it hasn’t arrived yet, even though you’re absolutely certain, like I…

[00:27:17] My heart was n- my head knew that she was coming, just not quite yet. My heart was like, “Uh,” very unsettled from the asking when I’m already vulnerable. And by putting my hand on my heart, the settling actually was not down. It was into. Kind of a with-ness. So that’s, like Cathy said, we’re learning our body.

[00:27:42] I don’t know how yours will respond, but my heart field wants a feeling of being with, not alone, not abandoned to deal with that, what is ticking me. And, so, like, when I put my hand on my heart, settle and strengthen is more of with, settling into the with feeling. You know, I’m not alone. I’m with myself too.

[00:28:11] And the strengthening of the, the heart field, which is palpable. It’s subtle, it’s… But you can, you can feel your own heart field with practice. It’s like, ah, I’m strengthening out.

[00:28:31] This-

[00:28:32] Cathy: Yeah. No, that makes a lot of sense. I, I love how you went with yourself, 'cause I think that’s a beautiful way to, like, we wanna… Our body, also our inner self. one of the things I’ve noticed as I go with myself sometimes, there… And my mind can sometimes be very busy 'cause I’m avoiding a feeling or a, uh, an understanding.

[00:28:51] Like, I don’t like that reality, so I’m gonna be really busy over here and not notice that, or I’m not gonna feel that. So just having that understanding, like, oh, what am I… If, if my, if I, you know, the sand and, and the mud c- just stays, stays really high, I will sometimes ask myself, “Is there something I’m avoiding?”

[00:29:11] Because being with myself like that, or being with my body is so… I think it renews me. It gives me strength for the next journey, but the next steps I’m taking. But if I can’t get there, there’s a frustration. Like, what is going on? And my subconscious may be going, “Ee, ee, ee, no, don’t look at that. Let’s be really worried about work tomorrow,” or y- maybe you didn’t say that thing perfectly right at that meeting or whatever.

[00:29:35] but if I can just take a breath and go, “Oh, wait. What maybe am I avoiding? What am I avoiding,” that helps me turn towards the thing I’m avoiding. The more I try to avoid it, the busier my mind gets, the stre- the more stressed I can be. And when I’m like, “Oh, I just don’t wanna feel that,” I’m just, I’ve short-circuited some of the noise.

[00:29:53] It doesn’t mean I still wanna feel it or face it but I am at least aware what my brain is doing.

[00:30:01] Rick: Before you had that awareness, is that a, would you call that a, a settling kind of avoidance or an unsettling kind of avoidance?

[00:30:10] Cathy: Oh, I tend to feel more unsettled when I’m trying to avoid. I mean, uh, my brain gets very, very…

[00:30:15] My brain, like, s- like, creates a white noise effect so that I won’t notice things.

[00:30:22] Rick: Even though I just love white noise.

[00:30:24] Cathy: Even though I just love white noise.

[00:30:27] Rick: It’s very unsettling sometimes It’s

[00:30:30] Cathy: very unsettling sometimes

[00:30:32] Rick: My mind can create a lot of unsettled energy

[00:30:36] Cathy: My mind can create a lot of unsettled energy

[00:30:40] Rick: And I’m in the process of learning how to settle and strengthen myself

[00:30:43] Cathy: And I’m in the process of learning how to str- settle and strengthen myself

[00:30:49] Rick: Even though I’m not gonna give up avoiding

[00:30:51] Cathy: Even though I’m not gonna give up avoiding

[00:30:53] Rick: That’d be stupid.

[00:30:55] Cathy: That’d be stupid. I’m

[00:30:56] Rick: a lot of things. I’m a

[00:30:58] Cathy: lot

[00:30:58] Rick: of things But I’m not stupid.

[00:31:00] Speaker 3: Not stupid. I want choice over what I avoid I do want choice and awareness over what I avoid

[00:31:07] Rick: And to face it with settled strength

[00:31:10] Cathy: And to face it with settled strength

[00:31:14] Speaker 3: Top

[00:31:16] Rick: of the head. Ugh, my mind can do so many things

[00:31:19] Cathy: My mind can do so many things

[00:31:21] Rick: Eyebrow: but unsettled is a clue

[00:31:24] Cathy: But unsettled is a clue

[00:31:27] Rick: Side of the eye: and I don’t have to go there

[00:31:30] Cathy: I don’t have to go there

[00:31:31] Rick: I can still avoid

[00:31:33] Cathy: I can still avoid

[00:31:35] Rick: But what if I did it while I was settling and strengthening?

[00:31:38] Cathy: What if I did it while I was settling and strengthening?

[00:31:42] Rick: That would be different

[00:31:44] Cathy: That would be different

[00:31:50] Speaker 3: I’m open to exploring that I’m open to exploring that No promises No promises No requirement No requirement But it is sort of

[00:32:02] Rick: interesting

[00:32:03] Cathy: But it is sort of interesting

[00:32:05] Rick: And I think I do it a lot of the time anyway

[00:32:08] Cathy: And I think I do it a lot of the time anyway

[00:32:13] Rick: Now, notice what I did there. I don’t know of a human that doesn’t settle and strengthen at times, and part of the awareness here is like, oh, yeah, I coulda gone screaming.

[00:32:26] I c- and I didn’t. What happened there? Oh, I settled. Enough of my nervous system got to a place where I was like, “Yeah, I wanna remove this tick in a way that’s savvy,” right? And I’m not exactly sure how. I had to settle myself from, like, “Aah” into a place where those other things could come to me. And while, yeah, it’s true, I’m aware because I’ve been using this expression settled and settling and strengthening for about a year or so, before that, calming and confidences, they are very kin.

[00:33:08] They’re both yin-yang. You can play around with both of them. But we, we do it all the time. I got to, I, I got to the, to get the prescription. I got a, you know, there’s a prophylactic dose of Antibiotic. It’s just one day. One, one take two pills. And, it’s recommended for my circumstances. I got to the pharmacist, and I had a discount card, right?

[00:33:35] And I said, “Hey, can I get a discount for it?” And he-- we walk over to the other counter, and I’m getting very unsettled as he takes my phone and starts copying- … it with a pen all the details from my, my prescription card. Now, there was definitely a part of me that wanted to say, “What in the world are you doing?”

[00:34:03] Fight reflex. Like, I wanna get home. I have a workshop to-- Don’t you know how… Yeah. sorry. But I settled enough that I could go, “I’m curious, how, how long do you think this will take?” “Oh, 10, 15 minutes.” “Yeah. It’s, it’s a $15 prescription.”

[00:34:24] Cathy: It’s not worth it.

[00:34:26] Rick: Not worth it. Yeah. Said, "Oh, no, I’ll, I’ll just go ahead and check out.

[00:34:29] We’ll just… We’ll do it differently next time."

[00:34:31] Speaker 3: Mm-hmm. “Okay.”

[00:34:34] Rick: and wh- having to go back through all the questions again on the, the, the, the terminal, right? There’s like 19 questions that you ha-- and I had to go back through all of those again. what am I doing? I was not consciously settling, but I know in retrospect, yeah.

[00:34:54] Yeah, he was… That Rick guy, he was really, he was really holding himself together. He was, he was settling, so he didn’t just smash the terminal and- … you know, just toss some cash out of his wallet and his face and walk out. By the way. 'Cause this, the level of idiocy right now, technologically, logistically right now is just way past what, uh, my, my competence standard really enjoys.

[00:35:21] So I was, I was actively settling and strengthening in clarity. It’s like this is only gonna be another, another minute or two. Pop, pop, pop, pop, pop. Yep. Thank you. Bye.

[00:35:31] Cathy: I think- And, … what’s important to notice that every time you do that, every time there’s a branch point and you, you can allow… There’s times when I just cannot do it, but there’s times when there’s a branch point, I can choose one or the other.

[00:35:43] Every time I choose calm or settling myself, I’m building the neural pathways for that. And people that are very g- very anxious, there’s times when people-- I judge there’s people around me, and probably myself too, I could… You know, there’s kind of a branch point and I choose the, ah. it strengthens that neural pathway.

[00:36:02] So the more we can do, like, okay, I’m gonna calm down, I’m gonna… Doesn’t mean I can’t have emotions about it, but I’m teaching my system I have the skills, I’m building them. It’s like I’m… You know, you went to the gym today and flex those muscles a little bit, and that’s important.

[00:36:18] Rick: Right. And exactly, and so that’s why a lot of people when we talk about a real skill, they have such a high standard, like I was talking about for competence.

[00:36:29] But if you’re, if you have high standards, welcome, welcome to our world, and part of that can be like, okay, where did I settle my energy in an, in a pretty natural way? Like, oh, the universe is shaking me a bit, or my kids, or my boss, or life, or traffic. And you can feel the unsettling growing, can’t we? Like, oh yeah, I’m getting more and more unsettled here.

[00:37:03] If you have the sensation of, yeah, okay, we’re stuck in traffic here. You let yourself settle, and you’re like, ah, I wonder what I can do, and you’re strengthening into options. And to me that’s… We build on that by acknowledging, oh, that’s what that is. It’s settling and strengthening. It-- If I make it just softly conscious that I, that that’s a good look for me, yeah, settling and strengthening is a good look for me.

[00:37:35] Oh, I become more skillful. and this, this is one of the functions of coaching, it’s one of the functions of, of community, is that by making some of these things that happen, we’re really breaking the pattern of the only way to learn something is for mirror neurons. 'Cause, you know, when I’m driving in a car, running across good drivers is really rare.

[00:38:01] Cathy: Right? And you’re so shocked you can’t pay attention.

[00:38:04] Rick: Yeah. The local CVS is not where I go for, you know, profound competence. And if we’re only able to mirror neuron with each other, we’re really hindered, and that’s why even acknowledging I’m-- I’ve got so much aspiration to be settled and strong around all the shit that happens.

[00:38:38] I’m in it. I’m working it, you know? It… And- I know from recognition and reflection from the people that I live with that there’s an appreciation. It creates more space. It creates more space to be like, “Oh, that’s what he’s doing there.” Yeah. He’s settling himself. My kids notice. Well, the full heart

[00:39:02] Cathy: is great, but describing it as well is like now you have two avenues in.

[00:39:07] Rick: Right. You know, sometimes enthusiasm is too much for my nervous system. and so what I’ll say is, “I’m, I’m gonna go just take some space and, and settle my system.” That’s language in my home. Yeah. I- it would be great if my kids pick up on this so naturally that by the time they’re adults, they don’t need to attend a Real Skills workshop.

[00:39:35] but I do think that the more that we’re engaged deeply and creating in life, that there are things that, that are shaky and there are things that are uncertain, profoundly uncertain. Life happens, and I don’t know anyone that it hasn’t. So that’s where the utility of this is not just personal. It is everyone that we’re connected to already benefits from the way that we settle and strengthen.

[00:40:04] By making it a bit more conscious, I’m saying, “This matters to me. It’s a good look. It’s a better… It’s a, a look I aspire to.”

[00:40:12] Cathy: Wanna build

[00:40:12] Rick: that muscle.

[00:40:13] Cathy: And… Yeah. Someone shared in the chat, and I sent a question back, so, if you have details, you’re welcome to share. But, they’re saying they can, you know, do a lot of what we talked about, noticing breath, feeling body sensations, and it doesn’t seem to have the ef- the same effect as what we’re describing.

[00:40:30] I’m wondering, and I don’t know if, you know, I don’t know the particulars. You’re welcome to give us more detail. Sometimes what can happen is we have beliefs that are going on at the semi-conscious level. We’re not really consciously aware of them. We c- if we, if we really thought about it, we’d go, “Oh yeah, that’s happening.”

[00:40:46] I was think- I’m thinking of an example. I was, I was coming home from something, and I had a meeting that I had to be at that was supposed to start at 2:00. And I was gonna be, like, a minute late, and I was, like, so agitated. Like, every time the car s- like, uh, there was a light or, ah. I was really a- I’m like, “What is going on?”

[00:41:07] And I texted the person and s- they hadn’t responded yet. I said, “Hey, I’m gonna be a couple minutes late.” and it wasn’t… We have meetings a lot. Like, it wasn’t, like, deal killer, but in my brain, in my family, being late is a huge offense and it shows you’re very incompetent. However, some of those beliefs, they’re s- they’re kind of, like, at between the subconscious and the conscious.

[00:41:29] They’re kind of at the semi-conscious. We’re not really aware they’re happening, so- It can help to say what, what is causing… What, what do I believe or what do I think might happen that’s causing me to be so agitated about this? 'Cause really it wasn’t… I’ve made, I’ve been on time for hundreds of meetings with this person.

[00:41:48] They’re not super stickler, and I did text them and, you know, by the time I got home they texted, “No problem.” s- you know, just drop o- jump on when… They, they were not upset. But I spent, like, 20 minutes in intense adrenaline and agitation that was totally worthless. It did not get me home any faster, and I was just worn out because I had this loo- this looping belief in the background that, oh, this is insulting to that person.

[00:42:11] It shows I’m not competent. I didn’t do enough. I didn’t plan well enough. And life happens. Like, in the Bay Area, traffic is a real thing. So I think sometimes, you know, if you can look at… I’m wondering if that might be part of what’s going on. If you’re having trouble settling, it could be that you have this…

[00:42:28] You know, our thoughts go through, and we can say, “Oh, I’m having that thought.” But if there’s a subconscious belief that this means something, and we’re not… If we can’t grab it consciously, there’s no, we don’t have any leverage. We’re just kind of flailing around in the water going, “Why am I getting sucked into this whirlpool?”

[00:42:44] But if we can go, “Oh, oh, there’s a drain over here with this belief, and at least let’s, like, I can start swimming differently.” I don’t know if that makes sense.

[00:42:55] Rick: Mm-hmm. It does. And, with a little more feedback from our participant,

[00:43:01] I… There’s a layer here that I haven’t really talked about- Hmm … that,

[00:43:07] I’m now vividly aware that the sensation as I describe it, of that settling and strengthening, on one layer it’s I lay down on the ground or on my bed, and I feel like my body, some of my muscles are relaxing. That’s the kind of the… Or sitting in the chair, I can feel an unclenching of physical tissue. I went through a long arc where I did not feel those things.

[00:43:44] I was dissociated from my body enough that if you said, you know, “What’s going on in your neck?” “Oh, it hurts.” Uh, that’s a v- that’s not a specific thing. Like here I can say, “Well, this side is a little softer. This side’s a little tighter. As I move to this direction, my, my neck wants to rock.” These are physiological awarenesses.

[00:44:11] body work, as well as there’s lots of people that walk us through awarenesses of, “Hey, what’s going on in your tissue? What’s going on in that?” And then there’s practices like meditation. For me, when you say, “Oh, how do you get out of a mind loop?” So when I started meditating,

[00:44:43] the same thought just kept intruding. Like, uh, whatever it was, it would shift and change, but if I was worried about something or thinking about something or felt like there was an open loop, uh, my brain’s a lot like a CPU.

[00:44:58] Cathy: It will chew at it forever.

[00:44:59] Rick: It’s only sort of idle. Like, there’s dead, the computer’s off, no power.

[00:45:07] Nothing’s happening in the silicon. And then even when y- the lid is closed- … it’s busy, right? Billions of instructions a minute- … are going on when it’s relaxed. My … Yeah. So if I lie down and I’m, I have, the s- part of the skill is, okay, what can I notice elsewhere in my body? Does the CPU still run? Yeah.

[00:45:36] But it may be getting less of the cycles. It’s more of, like, oh, that’s happening in my body. It doesn’t mean it’s not there. I could, I could, I could list off a dozen things pretty quickly that are significant uncertainties in my world. They’re, they’re completely accessible. I don’t even have to open Finder and click on them.

[00:46:00] Right? They’re processes that are running. But the other part of this is there’s an energetic, more sensitive aspect of the sensory system.

[00:46:15] In body work, things like craniosacral therapy. In the world of energy therapy, there are things like reiki and, and other types of body work. Craniosacral was really good for me because what it meant was there’s a rhythm in our body that isn’t like a pulse. It’s deeper. It’s slower. And it moves very subtly on the order of microns, or the craniosacral fluid is moving up and down the spine and in our, in our skull.

[00:46:50] We’re actually flexing and extending in ways that are not visually obvious. And for a guy that’s just trying to figure out why he’s got a tension headache, that, that would’ve been lost on me until I started noticing that a thought also has a loud tension to it, and it also can have a, a flavor and a complexion of, oh yeah, that’s there.

[00:47:19] Yeah, it’s there. That’s in my world. There’s a wind outside, but it’s not act- I’m very aware that there’s a wind outside. I can’t not be aware of that, and I wanna be here with you. And so the energetics of, like, Qigong and other things, unless, you know… And, and visualizations of color and flow. there was a, a visualization, I think it’s part of settling is, is cleansing too.

[00:47:51] Like, I imagined sitting on… I was sitting on a rock, and I imagined opening up the bottom of my foot like it was one of those oil, uh, oil pans, and wow, the gook that came out, right? Energetically, just imagining it ru- ooh, wow. And, and then it ran clear. And when you have that kind of sensation, visual, visual kinesthetic sensation, well, now things, this, this aspect of settling and strengthening isn’t…

[00:48:24] It is a relaxation. It’s, but it’s an unclench of mind and body, and allowing our energy to, to be more fluid. There’s a subtle fluid- fluidity. If you’re not there, my, my younger self could have a great conversation about where I was and, you know, 30 years ago, 20 years ago, 10 years ago, 10 hours ago, about the different levels of this.

[00:48:52] The cool thing is, is you take any of these levels and apply settling and strengthening to it physically, emotionally, energetically. Thought field, so busy mind. Yeah, yeah. Kind of the process of closing some tabs and doesn’t get rid of the reality, but there’s a quality of settling and strengthening, and then you can kind of rest in a place where you’re settling and replenishing.

[00:49:33] You know that, your energy has a, has a feeling of… Like, to me, replenishing something is strengthening. Cleansing something is strengthening.

[00:49:43] Cathy: so- Okay. Uh, when, when we get back from break, I wanna talk more about the strengthening. But a couple thoughts to, for what we were just saying. someone, the person was saying that the feelings still swirl.

[00:49:55] uh, even after trying to settle, it doesn’t truly settle. And I would- Maybe if I was doing one-on-one coaching, I would probably say something like, “Hmm, was it unsafe for you to re- settle when you were little? Did it feel unsafe?” And I know I had experiences where I was just relaxing or just feeling safe and something very scary happened.

[00:50:13] And so my nervous system kinda goes, “Oh, you were relaxing and look what happened,” when it’s not really related. So doing some tapping on that or, you know, just kind of being with that unsettled feeling. Like, oh, what’s here? And it’s uncomfortable to do that, you know, just tapping and being with something.

[00:50:31] And I’ve found that if I can just be with that discomfort for even a minute or two, I start getting new insights on that. and it is really hard to decouple, a- and move through some of the thoughts we’re having. Tapping’s great, coaching’s great, and in Buddhism it’s called a practice for a reason.

[00:50:47] You are practicing. You’re not gonna get it right. Some days are gonna be better than others, and it’s not like a, a now I’ve got it kinda thing. It’s like, oh, I had it last week, but now I’ve lost it and I’m gonna try to find it again.

[00:50:59] Rick: So… Mm-hmm. We’re gonna take a seven-minute break. We’ll be back in seven minutes, and, uh, feel free to use the chat, uh, during the break.

[00:51:08] And, we’ll continue with more on strengthening.

[00:51:14] Sure. We’re back with Settling and Strengthening Real Skills Workshop. I have an exercise that I’d like to do at some point. Yeah. do you wanna start with the strengthening thoughts that you had?

[00:51:26] Cathy: well, I think that people are sharing about how it’s, I wanna just kind of… Why is it trying to comment on my comments?

[00:51:34] if we don’t feel safe relaxing, there’s… It’s hard to relax. Like, I love Carol look- I remember way back her tell, like, like, 20 years ago. Gosh. Uh, wow. she was saying, like, you look at do I… Is it safe to do… Like, if we’re resisting something, we’re trying to do it and we’re not getting there, is it safe to do it?

[00:51:54] Do I deserve to do it? Those are, like, some basic questions we can ask ourselves. What do I think will happen if I do this? And I think that’s worth spending a little time journaling with or being quiet with. Like, if I relax, what do I think will happen? Because in some families it wasn’t safe. for instance, my mom felt like everyone needed to be busy all the time, and if she saw you really relax, she was gonna find something for you to do and probably poke at you at the same time.

[00:52:20] or, you know, just sometimes if we’re ex- in a place, in an environment that’s not very safe, we learn that we have to be on guard all the time. And hopefully people listening to this are in a much safer situation than they were when they were younger. So those can be things that really get in the way of, you know, the hypervigilance, that built-in hypervigilance, and the resistance to rela- to settling can be really hard, and those can literally be something we can strengthen.

[00:52:47] Doing this process. We don’t have to settle all the way for it to be successful. If we can just settle a little bit, we can-- and we can notice something we want to create on the other side of it. Do I wanna just create some rest? That’s something I’ve been focusing on 'cause I don’t let myself rest very much.

[00:53:04] It’s like, “Oh, I was doing that, I’ll do this.” That’s a break from that thing. But it’s not like chilling out. Like, “Okay, I’m gonna just rest.” That’s something I need to learn. So for some people it might be like, “Oh, I notice I’m really anxious,” or, “My thoughts are going low.” What can I do to like, oh, I’m noticing those thoughts.

[00:53:21] I’m settling myself and becoming more aware, and then gently guiding myself to something different. and then sense it-- creating a sense of safety for yourself is huge, and that is something that can take a while, 'cause there may be a lot of… Our nervous system is like, “That’s dangerous. I don’t know how to do that.”

[00:53:39] But sometimes repeating those, like or noticing I still do this to this day, is I look around the room and I’m like, “I’m in this clean, nice house.” Like clean today 'cause it’s Sunday. there’s nobody here to threaten me. And I try to let that in. I let my eyes actually see that I’m safe. Because what can happen is when our nervous system is really worried, it will overlay an image, like an, an effect of like, oh, remember when it was really dangerous, over what we’re seeing.

[00:54:08] And I have to like slow down and go, “Yep, there’s no one else here, and I’m safe.” So creating that s- you know, strengthening a sense of safety could be a huge thing for you to do for yourself. and many of us were g- women were, a lot of… Anyone raised female in our society was acculturated pretty much to take care of everyone around them and only rest when everyone was taken care of.

[00:54:30] And that’s true for a lot of, of any gender, true, but I think our culture is very hard on women there. So if you feel someone’s there, I feel like a bad person if I rest or don’t care, take, don’t take care of the people around me. And I get that. Like, if someone’s like needing something and three rooms over I’m like, “Ah, I need to take care of it.”

[00:54:49] And no, I don’t. They’re adults generally. If it’s Adira, you know, maybe I’d run and help her, because she’s also cute too, so. But like if you notice your pattern, the first step is just noticing the busy mind, noticing the pattern, and then how can I shift it even a little bit? I don’t have to fix it today to strengthen it.

[00:55:09] Does that- Mm-hmm. Yeah … what, what, how does that resonate with your thoughts about this?

[00:55:17] Rick: So, I’m, I’m a dad, and, uh, there’s a lot going on here. I don’t know any par- many parents that that’s not true.

[00:55:32] I don’t rest during the day And it’s not just a m- it’s not just a word choice. Let me, let me apply settling and strengthening to taking care of myself. So

[00:55:52] I settle-- If my nervous system is shaky, loud noise, cleaning up 200 dishes, you know, like

[00:56:03] Cathy: How did this get in here?

[00:56:05] Rick: I have just taken care of people. There is nothing life-threatening or earth-shattering or ear-splitting right at the moment that I need to tend to. If I said to myself, “I’m gonna go rest,” but I’m not actually handing off the role of being the parent to someone else, that’s not the state I can go into.

[00:56:33] But many times, if you, again, watched a movie, what’s Rick doing there? I will tell the kids, “I’m gonna go r-reset my eyes. I’m gonna go rest my eyes,” I might say. But really what I’m doing is I’m lying down, and I’m allowing my body to settle. If, if you took my jar and you had it doing the dishes and you’re moving it around like that, right, like leaning over and everything else, whatever’s in the jar is gonna be moving around.

[00:57:09] And if you’re a believer that if I’m clear and settled and strong, that that’s a better look for me in, in my world, taking a reset, taking a, a replenishment moment. Now, if I were lying down, and this is again how-- I believe that we have beliefs, but we also have frameworks. So the idea of resting, I’m not opposed to it.

[00:57:42] I love rest. But when I’m-- if I’m resting when I’m actually responsible for someone else, there’s a jarring feeling. I’m trying to rest, and you’re waking me up. This is, this is the grumpy cat version. Or we have, we have a grumpy bunny that just, you know, like, looks at you

[00:58:01] Speaker 3: like, "

[00:58:01] Rick: Mm. I’m resting. You’re interrupting me with your needs," which, you know, I object to.

[00:58:09] Now, if I’m recharging, replenishing, resetting, I do that to my computer. I reset my computer when it needs a reset, right? Sometimes it goes like, “Ah.” Sometimes it needs to be recharged. Right now it’s plugged in, but I often use it for hours and, and I plug it back in. I let it settle and kinda replenish.

[00:58:33] There’s a strengthening that is happening when a computer’s recharging, and there’s a strengthening that’s happening as I’m allowing my body to reset. The energetic difference if you were to say, like, “Well, what are you not doing?” I’m not actually disconnecting from I’m in a role where I am responsive to other people.

[00:58:55] But I’m … I don’t need to hang on everything that’s happening. They’re cap- they’re capable of playing on their own. When Adera was really small and we were, we were someplace, I couldn’t close my eyes and just-

[00:59:13] Cathy: You don’t know what you’re being to. …

[00:59:15] Rick: what surprise is gonna happen, but the settling and strengthening was I would sit and I would just feel myself starting to unclench parts of me that might have…

[00:59:27] You know, there’s a quality when you’re tending to other people, whether they’re two or, you know, 82, there’s, there’s a, there’s a tension that builds up. Settling says, yeah, it’s, it’s work. It’s labor. It’s emotional labor, it’s physical labor, it’s attention labor, it’s even spiritual labor. And when you get worked up, there’s a quality that says, oh, I, I wanna go to a place where I’m replenishing, recharging, refreshing.

[01:00:02] sometimes settling and strengthening to me says, “Yeah, I’ll, I’ll read that book to you, but I, I need to go to the bathroom first.” Mm. That’s what I say to her, but as I walk to the bathroom, I’m kind of changing. I’m settling into I’m changing roles from working on computer stuff for myself and my business to being a reader with, with my daughter by choice.

[01:00:30] I’m… I may not like the consequences if I don’t make a choice. But I, I’m settling into, okay, and I’m walking to the bathroom. Notice I’m moving. I’m changing energy. I may not even use the toilet, but I might wash my hands, right? Right. Sure, yeah. That’s, that’s not a bad… That’s not, not, never a bad thing. We learned that one.

[01:00:54] And so I’ll wash my hands. I might then go get something to drink. What am I doing? I’m settling out of… We settle, we can settle out of one mode of being and strengthen into another mode of being.

[01:01:08] Cathy: Yeah, I think some people have this- Obviously … idea settling is, like, this one state versus a, it’s a continuum.

[01:01:14] Yeah.

[01:01:15] Rick: So I, I have a little exercise. If this would hurt your body, please adapt it or don’t do it and just feel for it. When we think of someone who’s strong, what is, what is the imagery we get? Of a fist. Mm-hmm. Right? So tell me, is that hand actually as strong as it gets? It might be as hard as it gets, right?

[01:01:44] But if you do, if you made a fist, not to hurt yourself, but then shake it out. Like, oh. Like, ugh, shake it out, and then let it settle. Now notice my hands are shaking a bit still. Just like the jar when you’re letting it settle, notice it didn’t go foom. Oh, I have limp, limp hands. No. No. I’m just settling, and I’m feeling for strength.

[01:02:15] Now notice for me, if I feel about strength, I explore my range a little. Oh, and there’s a softening that’s happening that can extend all the way. So you can even feel the tendons in your forearm s- settling and strengthening. Now what we’re doing, my hands feel much more ready for whatever life brings me.

[01:02:46] That took about 17 seconds. I went from this, and again, like I don’t make many fists.

[01:02:55] and I’m just following my own intuition here. Notice my jaw just unwound. I didn’t think of d- unwinding my jaw, but just by settling and strengthening my hands…

[01:03:12] And then wherever your hands are right now, just imagine your settled strength coming up and to your chest, maybe across your chest. And see if, if you… as you tune into the center of your chest, what would that be if it was just a tiny bit more settled

[01:03:40] and a little bit stronger?

[01:03:45] Now, for me physically, I felt my shoulders ex- expand. This part of my throat relaxed. My voice feels deeper and more resonant, like the, the tension in my chest is not, uh, hold, keeping me from resonating at my frequency. Energetically, like emotionally, I feel much more resilient. Like if suddenly something went smash out in the hallway- You’d

[01:04:17] Cathy: be able to handle it better

[01:04:18] Rick: I’d be like, “Okay.” I wouldn’t even… I’m not… Because I’ve settled and strengthened- I’m aware I have more capacity for whatever life gives me right in this. If, if the Zoom link failed, I feel like, oh, okay, well, I’ve got a phone. I’ve got other options. I’m closer to that edge, not all the way there, but closer to that edge.

[01:04:43] Settling and strengthening, you’ll notice, I’m pretty sure, that you feel more capable. Mm-hmm. This does not make me feel capable. It feels like it’s driving me toward the fight, toward the fist.

[01:04:59] Cathy: Well, you’re also wearing out. You’re using energy that won’t be available, and you’re tiring the ligaments and the muscles and the-

[01:05:06] Rick: And this part of my brain is the part of me that makes a fist most often, okay?

[01:05:12] It does. And when it does, r- shaking it out and relaxing it physio energetically is what I need, and sometimes that’s a, you know, gravity reset, horizontal reset. And if we, if we play around with parts of our body that maybe aren’t the predominant parts where we hold, you know, unsettledness, it, it… You can play around with your pinky, with your thumb, your feet.

[01:05:45] stomp your feet around and then notice what your body wants to do to settle. Shake yourself up and then notice what your body does to settle. A lot of times people-- I was told to just sit down and shut up. Those are bl- as black and white. I’m either sitting or not and shutting up or not.

[01:06:11] But my body settles by, by wiggling in the chair, which you’re not supposed to do in the classroom or during a board meeting, okay? I had to learn, you know, in the middle of a board of directors meeting for a venture-funded company, you don’t do this, you know? Settling is more subtle, but you can-- I, I had to develop this skill.

[01:06:37] Just like some people tap, in their mind’s eye in places where it’s like- Or

[01:06:42] Cathy: subtly under the table on your fingertips.

[01:06:44] Rick: Yeah. Like, oh, I am totally tapping my collarbone right now because otherwise I, I would, I would lose it. And you don’t have to physically do it to settle and strengthen into that.

[01:06:58] Energy field comes out. You feel broader. You may not have that sensation, but if you’re settling yourself physiologically, more of you is going to be filling out. Those of us that are sen- energy sensitive, when I’m watching someone settle and, and shift into another state, it’s palpable. To me, how their energy field is changing.

[01:07:24] And where, where a body like, for example, my tailbone, my, my, my sacrum can be very unsettled by certain things that I object to in the world, that existing. And that’s why tapping of, you know, this is unwanted and it’s a reality, it allows my, my sacrum to settle. And as soon as it does, there’s this energy field that starts extending out.

[01:07:50] Well, people react to me differently if I don’t have a collapsed energy field along my spine and along my back. Mm-hmm. and I… That’s something that I, I do with people in private sessions at times, is feeling for where your energy field is unsettled and bringing some settled energy to it. You can do that physically, emot- energetically, through tapping, through visualization.

[01:08:17] You can have someone… You can fluff up your energy field too and see ab- about how that feels. All of that is settling energy and also strengthening our resilience, which is core to emotional freedom. As somebody-- It’s hard to walk in a world where there’s so much that really is not at the level of safety, and with people that are not at the level of safety that we would aspire to have close to us.

[01:08:44] And that’s why we focus so much on group skills like this, but that also are very personally applicable to those of us that are walking the streets of the city, being in traffic, communicating in a workplace, engaging with other humans, parenting, you know, living in a world, uh, with, with tragedies too.

[01:09:08] Cathy: Could we just do a little refusal tapping? Because I think so- there’s, for many of us, there’s been that constant pressure to settle down. There’s been the c- and then the why am I not renew- rejuvenated? Why do I have… You know, why do I don’t feel strong? And I think sometimes just being able to voice it is really powerful.

[01:09:25] So if you’d like to- Me too … nice deep breath. Karate chop. Even though I’m not gonna settle.

[01:09:33] Rick: Even though I’m not gonna settle.

[01:09:35] Cathy: And you can’t make me.

[01:09:37] Rick: And you can’t make me. And

[01:09:39] Cathy: I can’t make me.

[01:09:41] Rick: And I can’t make me.

[01:09:42] Cathy: I’m still okay.

[01:09:47] Rick: I’m still okay.

[01:09:48] Cathy: Even though settling seems very hard.

[01:09:52] Rick: Even though settling can feel so hard.

[01:09:54] Cathy: And I’m not sure I even wanna try to do it.

[01:09:57] Rick: And I’m not sure I always wanna try to do it.

[01:10:02] Cathy: I wonder if it might be safer to settle now than it used to be.

[01:10:07] Rick: I wonder if it might be safer now to settle than it used to be.

[01:10:12] Cathy: Top of the Head: It used to be a demand

[01:10:15] Rick: It used to be a demand- Eyebrow … with punishment behind it.

[01:10:19] Cathy: Eyebrow: They pushed me so hard to settle.

[01:10:22] Rick: They pushed me so hard to settle.

[01:10:24] Cathy: Side of the Eye: And I felt like a failure.

[01:10:26] Rick: And I felt like a failure. Under

[01:10:28] Cathy: the Eye: And I don’t like being told what to do.

[01:10:32] Rick: And I do not like to be told what to do.

[01:10:34] Cathy: Under the Nose: And I’d like to be able to rest sometimes.

[01:10:40] Rick: And I would really like to be able to rest sometimes.

[01:10:43] Cathy: It, it maybe strengthened some attributes I have, I’ve been wanting to grow.

[01:10:49] Rick: And strengthened attributes I want to grow.

[01:10:52] Cathy: Collarbone: I really don’t wanna settle. I

[01:10:56] Rick: don’t really wanna settle.

[01:10:59] Cathy: Under the Arm: But I feel like I’m settling down just a little bit right now.

[01:11:03] Rick: I do feel like I’m settling down a little bit right now.

[01:11:07] Cathy: Top of the Head: I’m not gonna settle, and you can’t make me.

[01:11:10] Rick: I’m not gonna settle, and you can’t make-

[01:11:13] Cathy: And maybe I’ll settle just a little bit anyway.

[01:11:17] Rick: And I think I’ll settle a little bit anyway.

[01:11:22] Cathy: Just take a breath. Mm-hmm. And if you did notice yourself e- the…

[01:11:26] I think, again, we tend to be black and white. Am I settled? Am I not settled? And it’s, it’s a, it’s a continuum. It’s, like, gradual. And even if you can come down from 100 to 99, you’re teaching your nervous system that it’s okay to do this. You’re t- you’re, like, helping yourself do that. And I find refusal tapping works really well for me often.

[01:11:46] I’m not gonna go to bed. You can’t make me. Oh, now I’m really tired. So if you’re feeling a lot of resistance, uh, Rick has some great tapping on Thriving Now for refusal tapping, and I used to listen to that all the time and tap along. It was so helpful. so if you’re feeling a lot of resistance that, you know…

[01:12:05] And it can be I don’t deserve it. It’s not safety. You can throw in whichever feel, whatever feels the best for you. Oh, Rick put it in the chat. No, you can’t make me. so, uh, someone said, “I don’t want the… I’m saying I don’t wanna settle because I don’t want you to hear me, see me, listen, and understand.”

[01:12:22] Rick: It- 'Cause I want…

[01:12:23] I don’t want to settle because I want you to hear me, see me- I want … listen and understand.

[01:12:28] Cathy: Yeah. if you don’t feel like you will be heard or seen, that’s, It may be that your parent or caregivers only saw you when you were in crisis mode. And I think i- if we can settle and be with ourselves, and teach ourselves a different pattern…

[01:12:44] I really like it now when I don’t have to be in a crisis mode for people to hear me and see me or, you know, understand what I’m doing. I think that people that are very dysfunctional or, and/or very low resource, that’s often the case. They’re only running from, "Oh, my God, that’s the biggest fire, so I’m gonna fight that.

[01:13:01] That’s all I have energy for." So they’re not paying attention to the other things that are going on. And- I’ve found that as I’ve healed and grown and chosen different people to hang out with, there’s a lot better way of, like, getting attention. Just going up and say, “Hey, I’d like to talk. Are you up to listening?”

[01:13:18] and not having to do that. And that’s a, it’s a journey. It’s not gonna happen overnight. but just to kind of throw out there that if, that your belief is that’s the only way you’ll be heard, of course you’re not gonna wanna get rid of it. You’re gonna want, like, “Oh no, then I’ll be silenced. I won’t- no one will see me.”

[01:13:35] That, that would be really tough.

[01:13:40] Rick: Yeah. I…

[01:13:45] It’s a tender thing because we, we do. We wanna be heard and seen and respected and understood for where we actually are. And for those of us that don’t wanna pretend that things are hunky dory, “Oh, I’m fine. Oh, I’m good.” “Can you tell the fake look on my face? But that’s fine for you. As long as I’m good, you’re fine.”

[01:14:07] And I, I have such a deep craving, and I recognize that, you know, a lot of people can’t go there. And in my family, the person that was suffering the most got more of the attention, and that was a trap for me and also it was freedom to understand that, you know, there are people I love that are good people, that if there’s a crisis they really come through.

[01:14:29] Yeah.

[01:14:30] Cathy: But otherwise- But

[01:14:31] Rick: what do, what do I, what do I do when it’s not a crisis and I still want them to, to listen and know me and, and feel like we’re resonant together? that’s, that’s a hard one. Probably a subject for a lifetime of work. But if I settle in strength and apply to that, it’s like, oh, yeah.

[01:14:52] I know that if I had screamed about the tick last night, I could have very easily had two adults and two kids immediately by my side. Mm-hmm. At… I know people that if they screamed in the middle of the night, uh, they wouldn’t necessarily get that. Or that they would not get help, but would get punished.

[01:15:18] And, and I, I n- I know those states. And somewhere on the spectrum of screaming to, like… My voice was not just, “Hey, I could really use your help with a tick.” That was n- no, no. No, no. It was, “I, I could really use your help with a tick on my leg.”

[01:15:49] Now, I, I recognize that there are people that that voice would not have come out.

[01:15:57] Cathy: It w- they

[01:15:57] Rick: wouldn’t- The request never would have been made There are people that love me that are, would not have gotten that real and raw-ish reveal of, “I really could use a help with this tick.” I’m, I’m grateful that those of you that I know on this call and know well, I feel like I can be real as I, as I’ve been sharing here.

[01:16:28] Uh, this conversation would be very different if I was talking to my neighbors. Right. “It… A tick on my leg. You know? Ugh, I hate that. We need to get ourselves some chickens.” You know, like, “Get those ticks.” Right? Like, yeah. Get me a beer.

[01:16:50] Well, I-

[01:16:51] Speaker 3: I’m in a mood.

[01:16:53] Cathy: No, it’s great. But you s- you know, you’re talk- what you’re talking about is kind of like different ways we can interact, but someone said that, you know, they, they were told to, they told us to fake it till you make it. And I grew up with that as well, but I found that I didn’t relax when I did that.

[01:17:09] I actually-- 'cause I know I’m living a lie. I know I’m feeling a lie in my body. so I can practice, that’s different from fake it till you make it. So trying to pretend you’re settling and strengthening, to me, is counterproductive. I’m actually going away from it. So just a thought to share there, in case it’s helpful.

[01:17:30] Rick: Well, and I appreciate that we are the type of group that can talk about, like yeah, there… We can do the work, and I think that’s, that fundamentally is the, the wisdom for me on, in this workshop, is I do the work to settle and strengthen. My hope is that that helps other people, and it certainly helps me.

[01:17:51] And I recognize that, no matter how settled and strong I, state of being I am in, there are some things in life that just shake us. Mm-hmm. And when I get shaken, I can know that yeah, part of the picture here is to be r- responsive, maybe even reactive. But that my, my intention is to settle and strengthen in my system, and that does not necessarily mean that I’m actually safe with a person or in a situation or in a dynamic.

[01:18:27] And it’s not faking for me to settle, to, to choose how I reveal my unsettledness and to whom. That, and that includes my even more subtle cries for help, which are real. I’m human. And to me, emotional freedom work has given me much more- savvy with who, what, when, and why it matters to me to share or to withhold.

[01:19:06] I can withhold because I can, I can tend to this myself. There were times yesterday where I would’ve just said, “Hey, do you know where the tick thing is? I gotta get one off.” And that would’ve been where I was, would’ve been my settled and strong thing.

[01:19:24] Cathy: And sometimes it’s not. Yeah. We don’t have to be in the same

[01:19:27] Rick: position all the time.

[01:19:27] We don’t have to be in the same place all the time. We’re not going to be. I hope that this is useful. we’d love to hear from you, support@thrivingnow.com, if there’s anything here that, your own insights and your own practices show, like, ooh, this is, this is something that worked for me. Out in the thrivingnow, uh, .center, you can even add your comments and experiences for how you’ve applied it if you want to, and that would be, a delight for me, but it’s not certainly required.

[01:19:56] so thank you, Cathy. Appreciate you.

[01:19:59] Cathy: Yeah.

[01:19:59] Rick: Yeah. Till next time.

[01:20:01] Cathy: Happy settling and strengthening.

Great to have you on this journey with us!

[RickThrivingNow]

Settling & Strengthening

“I was always told to settle down, not to settle and strengthen.”

There are moments when life shakes the whole jar.

Sometimes it’s something objectively big. Sometimes it’s a tiny deer tick on your leg at 11 o’clock at night after a week of hearing that one-third of the ticks in your area might carry Lyme. Sometimes it’s a comment, a transition, traffic, a meeting, your own thoughts, or that feeling that you should already know how to calm yourself down.

We want to start here because this matters: being unsettled does not mean you’re failing.

A lot of us learned “settle down” as a command. Sit still. Stop crying. Stop moving. Stop being too much. But no one really taught us what settling actually feels like in the body. No one explained that sometimes the nervous system needs to transition. No one said it was okay for the sand to swirl for a while.

And for many of us, the body doesn’t want to settle if settling feels like collapse.

So we’ve been exploring something different:

Settling and strengthening.

Not forcing ourselves down.
Not collapsing.
Not pretending.
Not “faking it till you make it.”

But allowing ourselves to settle while also feeling for the structure, support, uprightness, capacity, and aliveness inside us.

---

When the Jar Gets Shaken

“It’s amazing how much shaking a little tiny deer tick can do.” — Rick

Picture a glass jar with sand and pebbles and rocks inside.

It’s sitting peacefully on your desk. Maybe there’s even a flower in it. And then someone comes along and shakes it.

The sand flies everywhere.
The rocks bang around.
Everything gets cloudy.

That’s what happens to us.

Nature shakes us.
The world shakes us.
Other people shake us.
Our own thoughts shake us.
And sometimes we shake ourselves.

We noticed something really important: forcing the jar to settle just stirs it up more.

Trying to command ourselves into calmness often creates even more agitation.

“Just settle down.”
“Take a breath.”
“Relax.”

For a nervous system with stress, overwhelm, or trauma, those commands can feel like pressure.

So instead of forcing, we can begin with allowing.

“Oh. I’m shaken.”
“Oh. My system is unsettled.”
“Oh. This is where I am.”

And then we can start getting curious.

Sometimes settling means sitting down.
Sometimes it means pacing.
Sometimes in means EFT Tapping.
Sometimes it means changing state.
Sometimes it means putting a hand on your heart.
Sometimes it means taking a photograph of the thing that scared you before deciding what to do.

We’re learning ourselves.

That’s the skill.

---

Settling Isn’t a Light Switch

“No one ever really taught me how to settle down. I just thought I was supposed to do it immediately.” — Cathy

One of the deepest realizations in this workshop was that settling is not instantaneous.

We’ve both had moments where we thought meditation meant we were supposed to immediately become calm and focused and quiet.

But that expectation can become its own form of agitation.

If we think:

“I should already be settled.”

then every moment of restlessness becomes proof that we’re doing it wrong.

And then the shame enters.

“What’s wrong with me?”
“Why can’t I do this?”
“Everyone else seems to know how.”

But a busy mind is not a moral failure.

A restless nervous system is not evidence that you’re broken.

What if transition itself is part of the process?

What if settling includes being unsettled for a while?

What if the mind gets to wiggle around before it naturally settles?

There’s a huge difference between forcing breath and being with breath.

We don’t have to control our inhale.
We don’t have to manufacture calm.
We don’t have to immediately become peaceful.

We can just be here.

With this breath.
With this body.
With this moment.

And often the system begins to settle naturally when it realizes no one is trying to overpower it.

---

EFT Tapping Round — “I Should Have”

“A should is a shakeup.” — Rick

Sometimes the thing shaking us most is self-blame.

“I should have known.”
“I should have done it differently.”
“I should have checked.”
“I should already know how to settle.”

The nervous system tightens around should.

This round creates room for possibility instead.

Side of Hand: Even though I should have, and I didn’t. Dang. What was I thinking? Now what? I’m open to settling myself anyway. I’m open to thinking about settling myself anyway.

Top of Head: I didn’t.

Eyebrow: I should have.

Side of Eye: Now I’m all unsettled.

Under the Eye: That’s not a great look for me.

Under the Nose: But it is where I am.

Chin: And it’s okay.

Collarbone: I’m open to settling a bit.

Under the Arm: It’s not a requirement.

Top of Head: I’d really like to feel my possibilities here.

Eyebrow: Including sitting here and not knowing.

---

The Difference Between Settling and Collapse

“My body and my nervous system are a lot more willing to settle if I’m also inviting a strengthening.” — Rick

This distinction matters.

A lot of us learned forms of quietness that were actually collapse.

We stopped moving.
Stopped expressing.
Stopped needing.
Stopped taking up space.

The body looked calm.
But inside, the life force drained out.

That isn’t renewal.
That isn’t replenishment.
That isn’t safety.

It’s survival.

So as we settle, we can also strengthen.

We can feel the spine.
We can feel the structure holding us.
We can feel gravity supporting us.
We can let the chair hold us a little more.

Not rigid.
Not braced.

Supported.

Sometimes strengthening feels like a subtle lengthening.
Sometimes it feels like the heart field extending.
Sometimes it’s simply feeling more upright.

The primitive brain understands strengthening very differently than collapse.

Settling with strengthening says:

“We’re here.”
“We have options.”
“We’re not powerless.”

And the nervous system often responds to that.

---

The Disorientation of “Settle Down”

“No one ever explained what that meant.” — Cathy

Many of us grew up hearing “settle down” from people who didn’t actually know how to settle themselves.

That can be deeply disorienting.

Especially as children.

You’re trying to figure out what adults mean.
You’re trying to mirror them.
You’re trying to be good.
And meanwhile their own nervous systems are agitated, impatient, flooded, stressed, or disconnected.

So we learn:

“I’m supposed to know how to do this.”
“There’s something wrong with me.”
“I’m failing at being human.”

That adds another whole layer of stress.

We can start untangling that now.

Not by pretending we’re already calm.
But by acknowledging the confusion.
The pressure.
The impatience.
The impossible expectations.

And then creating a different relationship with ourselves.

---

EFT Tapping Round — Learning to Settle

“What if it’s okay to have that busy mind?”

This round is for the part of us that learned settling through pressure, criticism, or confusion.

Side of Hand: Even though I learned really early on I was supposed to be able to settle myself, and they said it in an impatient tone. I didn’t really know how to do it, how to feel it, how to be it. They never explained what it meant. I couldn’t copy them because they weren’t doing it either.

Top of Head: It was really disorienting.

Eyebrow: I blamed myself, of course.

Side of Eye: And that did not help me settle.

Under the Eye: No one ever said it was okay to feel disorganized at first.

Under the Nose: No one ever said it was okay to have a busy mind.

Chin: What if it’s okay to have that busy mind?

Collarbone: What if I could breathe and be with that mind?

Under the Arm: Hey, it is kinda busy in here.

Top of Head: I don’t have to believe what my brain always says.

Eyebrow: I can listen to the busyness.

Side of Eye: My mind is often really busy.

Under the Eye: And it feels very important.

Under the Nose: It is okay to let myself relax a bit right now.

Chin: I can allow it, not force it.

Collarbone: What if I let that busy mind relax a little bit?

Under the Arm: I don’t have to be there right this second.

Top of Head: I can allow myself to transition.

---

Gravity Is Working

“Do you have to work to stay in your chair?” — Rick

One subtle way we can begin settling is by noticing support.

Gravity is already here.

The chair is already holding us.
The floor is already under us.
The spine already has structure.

Sometimes our muscles keep sending the message:

“Keep working.”
“Keep bracing.”
“Stay ready.”

And those signals can become so constant we don’t even notice them anymore.

So we can start asking gentle questions.

Is gravity working?
Can I let the chair hold me a little more?
Can I soften one muscle by two percent?
Can I let one contact point support me?

When that happens, something often shifts upstream.

The shoulders float a little more.
The jaw unwinds.
The brain unclenches.
The heart has more room.

This is not collapse.

It’s support.

---

Being With Ourselves

“My heart field wants a feeling of being with, not abandoned to deal with what is ticking me.” — Rick

Sometimes settling isn’t downward.

Sometimes it’s inward.

Especially when we feel vulnerable.
Especially after asking for help.
Especially when our hearts are uncertain.

A hand on the heart can become a way of saying:

“I’m with you.”
“You’re not alone.”
“We can be here together.”

That quality of with-ness matters.

And we can learn it.

The body can learn what companionship with ourselves feels like.
The heart can learn what support feels like.
The nervous system can learn that vulnerability does not automatically equal abandonment.

Sometimes that’s the strengthening.

---

Avoidance, White Noise, and Unsettled Energy

“My mind creates a white noise effect so I won’t notice things.” — Cathy

A busy mind isn’t always random.

Sometimes the mind is trying very hard not to feel something.

If the sand in the jar never settles, it can help to ask:

“What am I avoiding?”

Not as an accusation.
Not as a demand.

Just curiosity.

Because avoidance often creates more unsettledness.
More noise.
More looping.
More internal static.

And once we notice that, we gain a little leverage.

Not total control.
Not instant clarity.

But awareness.

“Oh. My system is trying not to look at something.”

That awareness itself can soften the whirlpool.

---

EFT Tapping Round — Settling While Avoiding

“Unsettled is a clue.” — Rick

This round makes room for the reality that avoidance is part of being human.

We don’t have to become perfectly fearless to begin settling.

Side of Hand: Even though I just love white noise sometimes, my mind can create a lot of unsettled energy. I’m in the process of learning how to settle and strengthen myself. Even though I’m not gonna give up avoiding, that would be stupid. I want more choice and awareness over what I avoid. I want to face things with settled strength.

Top of Head: My mind can do so many things.

Eyebrow: But unsettled is a clue.

Side of Eye: I don’t have to go there.

Under the Eye: I can still avoid.

Under the Nose: But what if I did it while settling and strengthening?

Chin: That would be different.

Collarbone: I’m open to exploring that.

Under the Arm: No promises. No requirements.

Top of Head: But it is sort of interesting.

Eyebrow: And I think I do it a lot of the time anyway.

---

The Semi-Conscious Beliefs Underneath Agitation

“There’s a drain over here with this belief.” — Cathy

Sometimes we try to settle and nothing changes because the real agitation is coming from a belief running just below conscious awareness.

A semi-conscious belief.

“If I’m late, I’m incompetent.”
“If I relax, something bad will happen.”
“If I stop monitoring everything, people will be upset.”
“If I don’t perform well, I’ll lose connection.”

The body responds to those beliefs even when the conscious mind knows the situation is okay.

That’s why sometimes we feel flooded by adrenaline over things that objectively are not emergencies.

The nervous system is reacting to meaning.

So we can gently ask:

“What do I believe this means?”
“What do I think will happen?”
“Why does this feel so dangerous?”

That inquiry doesn’t erase the feeling immediately.
But it helps us stop flailing blindly in the whirlpool.

We begin seeing the drain.

And once we can see it, we can start swimming differently.

---

Sometimes Settling Didn’t Feel Safe

“You were relaxing and look what happened.” — Cathy

For some of us, the nervous system learned that relaxing was dangerous.

Maybe scary things happened when we let our guard down.
Maybe rest got interrupted.
Maybe vulnerability got punished.
Maybe adults around us exploded unpredictably.

So the body learned:

“Stay alert.”
“Stay ready.”
“Don’t unclench.”

That conditioning runs deep.

And if that’s part of your experience, it makes sense that settling doesn’t always feel nourishing right away.

Sometimes the first layer of settling is simply noticing:

“Oh. My system thinks this is unsafe.”

That awareness matters.

And it’s okay if this becomes a practice.

Not a destination.
Not a permanent achievement.

A practice.

Some days it’s easier.
Some days it’s harder.
Some days you feel like you’ve “got it.”
Some days the mind is noisy and the body is tense again.

That doesn’t mean you failed.

It means you’re practicing.

---

Settling as Replenishment

“We settle out of one mode of being and strengthen into another mode of being.” — Rick

Settling doesn’t have to mean becoming motionless.

Sometimes settling means transitioning.

Walking to the bathroom before reading to your child.
Washing your hands.
Getting a glass of water.
Changing roles consciously.
Taking a breath between activities.

We can settle out of one state and strengthen into another.

That’s very different from forcing ourselves to instantly switch modes.

And the body often appreciates those transitions.

Especially when life involves caregiving, work, emotional labor, parenting, uncertainty, or constant responsiveness.

Settling can become replenishment.
Refreshing.
Recharging.
A gentle unclenching.

Not disappearing.

Returning.

---

A Practice in the Body

“Shake yourself up and then notice what your body does to settle.” — Rick

One of the most practical discoveries is that the body often already knows how to settle.

We just weren’t allowed to notice.

Maybe your body wiggles.
Maybe your hands want to shake out.
Maybe your jaw unwinds.
Maybe your shoulders broaden.
Maybe your breath changes.
Maybe your energy field feels fuller.

A simple practice:

Make a gentle fist.
Feel the tension.
Then shake it out.
Let the hand settle.
Notice that settling is not limpness.
Notice there is still strength there.

Then feel for that same quality in the chest.
The spine.
The throat.
The heart.

More settled.
And a little stronger.

Not hard.
Not rigid.

Ready.

---

Refusing the Pressure

“Trying to pretend you’re settling and strengthening is counterproductive.” — Cathy

There can be so much pressure around calmness.

Pressure to look okay.
Pressure to regulate instantly.
Pressure to perform wellness.
Pressure to fake confidence.

But pretending often creates more tension.

The body knows when we’re forcing.

Sometimes what actually creates movement is honesty.

“I’m not gonna settle.”
“You can’t make me.”

That refusal can reveal the pressure we’ve been carrying.
The resistance.
The history.
The fight response.

And once those truths are allowed into the room, the nervous system may stop fighting so hard against itself.

We don’t have to fake settled strength.

We can practice it.

---

This Is a Real Skill

“Every time you choose settling, you’re building the neural pathways for that.” — Cathy

We want to end here.

This is a real skill.

Not perfection.
Not a personality trait.
Not something only “naturally calm” people get to have.

A skill.

And every time we notice ourselves settling instead of spiraling completely, something strengthens.

Every branch point matters.
Every moment of awareness matters.
Every tiny shift matters.

The world is going to shake us sometimes.
Life is uncertain.
People are unpredictable.
Our nervous systems are human.

And still:

We can practice.
We can become more aware.
We can create more space.
We can learn what support feels like.
We can strengthen our capacity.
We can become more skillful at returning.

Not because we’re faking.
Not because we’re suppressing.
Not because we’re trying to become invulnerable.

But because settling and strengthening is a good look for us.

And because everyone connected to us benefits when we learn how to do it a little more consciously.

We’re not going to be in the same place all the time.
We’re not always going to respond the same way.
Some days we’ll need help.
Some days we’ll be the one offering steadiness.

But we can keep practicing.

Settling.
Strengthening.
Returning.

— Rick & Cathy