From Cathy Vartuli
How Do We Actually Settle Down?
Do you remember being told, as a child, to “settle down”… and having no idea what that actually meant?
Maybe it wasn’t gentle.
Maybe it was an exasperated parent or caregiver saying:
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Go to sleep
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Be quiet
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Stop being so fussy
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Settle down
And it felt urgent. Demanded.
And somehow… You were supposed to know how to do it.
But most of us were never actually taught.
No one showed us what “settling down” feels like inside the body.
And many of our parents or caregivers didn’t know how to settle themselves either.
They needed quiet because they were overwhelmed.
They may have learned how to look still… but not how to actually be settled.
So there was nothing clear to learn from.
What We Learn Instead
As kids, when someone tells us to settle down, there’s often a first moment of:
Do I know how to do this?
No… I don’t.
So we look around.
Is there someone here who knows how?
Sometimes we can learn just by watching. We don’t even have to ask.
But if no one around us knows how to settle…
Or we can’t see what they’re doing inside…
Then we’re left guessing.
So we imitate the outside.
I would copy:
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Sitting still
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Closing my eyes
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Looking calm
But inside, I had no idea what I was doing.
And honestly, that made me more nervous and more frustrated…
because I could feel that I didn’t know what I was doing, and I wasn’t sure if I was doing it right.
So instead of settling… I was performing.
And eventually, I started avoiding it.
I’m curious if you’ve ever felt that too.
This Is the Part That Really Changed Things for Me
This is something I’m still practicing.
I’m learning it in real time.
And what’s becoming clearer is this: It’s not just that we weren’t taught.
It’s also that our nervous system matters.
Sometimes we don’t know how to settle.
And sometimes, even if we start learning…Our body doesn’t know how to drop in.
If your system has been:
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Busy
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Stressed
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Constantly “on”
You may not have the muscle memory for settling.
And when you try to be still or quiet your mind, you might notice:
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Your thoughts get louder
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Your mind keeps looping
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Your body feels restless or tense
This is often what people mean when they say they “struggle with meditation” or “can’t quiet their mind.”
And sometimes, the more we try to force ourselves to be still or quiet…The worse it feels.
Especially if your system has experienced:
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Fight
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Flight
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Freeze
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Collapse
For some of us, stillness itself can feel unsafe.
So if settling feels hard, frustrating, or even activating…It’s not just about skill.
It’s also about your nervous system learning something new.
If We Don’t Automatically Know How… How Do We Begin?
I talked to a teacher at my Buddhist center about meditation.
I told him I was struggling.
And he said, even after decades of practice, he doesn’t just drop in.
He sits with his busy mind first.
(You might pause for a moment here and notice… is your mind busy right now?)
That really changed something for me.
Because I thought I was supposed to:
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Relax immediately
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Get quiet right away
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Fall asleep quickly
And when that didn’t happen… it was frustrating.
But settling is something we build, not something we snap into.
There Are Different Ways to Practice This
It can help to know there isn’t just one way to do this.
There are different kinds of meditation.
One is often called focused attention:
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bringing your attention to something like the breath
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gently coming back when your mind wanders
Another is often called open monitoring:
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noticing sensations, internal and external (Sounds, touch, smells, etc)
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without getting caught up in them
You don’t have to remember the names.
I just find it helpful to know there are different ways in.
Let the Mind Be Busy First
Like my teacher said, I don’t try to force my mind to be quiet at first.
I give it time and space to be busy.
I let it move.
But I don’t get involved.
And what I mean by that is…
I notice the thoughts, but I don’t have to believe them.
I don’t have to act on them.
There’s a part of my mind trying to solve, looping, trying to figure things out.
I can notice that part… without becoming it.
“Oh, that thought has come around four times.”
“I must be really worried about that.”
“Oh, look how I bounced from this to that.”
(You might pause for a moment and notice just how busy your mind is right now.)
And if I get caught in it…
I come back.
And I come back again.
This is a lifelong practice.
It doesn’t go away. We just get more familiar with coming back.
Come Back to the Body (Through Real Sensation)
I also come back to my body.
Not just in one way. In a few different ways.
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What does the chair feel like under you right now?
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Is it firm, soft, or textured?
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What does the fabric feel like under your fingertips?
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Is it smooth, rough, warm, cool?
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What sounds can you hear right now? maybe a car passing, a low hum, a bird?
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Is there any scent in the room, even a faint one?
(If you want, take a moment and notice one thing you can feel… one thing you can hear… and just be with it.)
This brings you out of your thoughts and into your body.
Be With the Breath (Without Trying to Fix It)
I also spend time with my breath.
And I love how Thích Nhất Hạnh teaches being with the breath… just noticing it as it is.
Because what many of us will do automatically…Is try to control it.
We try to slow it down.
Make it deeper.
Fix it.
And that can actually make things tighter.
For some of us, it can even trigger a nervous system response…Like the body becomes very still, very alert.
Almost like a frightened rabbit tucked into the bushes.
Not relaxed… but watchful. Listening. Braced.
So instead: Just notice.
Is it fast?
Shallow?
Uneven?
(You might notice your next inhale… and your next exhale… without changing anything.)
Often, when we stop trying to control it…
It softens on its own.
You Don’t Have to Be Still First
Stillness is not always step one.
If your body is activated, it might need movement first.
You might gently ask yourself:
Would it feel better to shift a little?
To stretch?
To adjust how I’m sitting?
And then notice what your body responds to.
That can look like:
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Stretching
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Rocking
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Shifting your weight
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Walking slowly
You’re not forcing stillness.
You’re listening for what helps your body settle.
Go Slowly. You’re Building a Muscle
You don’t have to go all the way in.
If something feels like too much, you can ease back.
A little awareness.
Then rest.
A little more.
Then come back.
You are building a muscle for settling.
And that takes time.
Ritual Helps
We are very contextual beings.
If you spend a lot of time in bed worrying, your body can associate bed with anxiety.
So it can help to have a separate place for settling.
And a simple ritual:
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lighting a candle
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using a scent
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getting a blanket
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turning off your phone
You might ask yourself:
Is there something I already do that could become part of this?
Something that helps me feel a little more present, or a little more intentional?
If It Won’t Be Quiet, Write It Down
If something won’t leave my mind, I’ll jot it down on a post-it note.
Just enough to get it out of my head.
Not to process it.
Just so my mind knows:
“I won’t forget.”
And then I come back.
Support Yourself
Sometimes I add a little physical support:
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wrapping in a blanket
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placing a hand on my chest
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holding my arms
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even a little gentle tapping
And sometimes I’ll also look around the room.
Really look.
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Where am I?
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What’s actually here?
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Are there any lions or tigers here?
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Is there an angry parent telling me to settle right now?
(You might pause and look around for a moment.)
And let your body register:
I’m here.
There’s no immediate danger.
It’s okay to begin to relax.
It’s Not Linear
Some days I settle more easily.
Some days I don’t.
And I used to judge that.
But that pulls me back into my mind.
Now I think of it as building capacity.
Building a muscle.
And sometimes progress looks like:
“I noticed sooner.”
That counts.
This Isn’t Something You Perform
This isn’t something you perform.
It’s something you learn.
And you’re learning it in your body.
A Gentle Question
What if settling down isn’t something you were supposed to already know……But something you’re allowed to learn?
And what if nothing is wrong with you if it’s hard?
I’m Curious About You
What helps you settle?
Are there small rituals, practices, or things you’ve discovered that support you?
Feel free to share. Someone else might need exactly what you’ve found.
Let’s do some tapping to help anchor this!
Side of Hand
Even though I struggle with settling down, and part of me feels like I should already know how, I choose to be gentle with myself right now.
Even though I’ve often felt frustrated, ashamed, or like I’m doing it wrong, maybe I can soften a little and be here now.
Even though my body and mind don’t always know how to settle, I’m open to learning, slowly and kindly, right here in this moment.
Top of Head
I struggle with settling down…
Eyebrow
I’m not always sure how to do it.
Side of Eye
This frustration in my mind and body.
Under Eye
Trying to make myself be calm.
Under Nose
Feeling like I should already know how…
Chin
This pressure to get it right.
Collarbone
This tension in my body.
Under Arm
This feeling that I’m doing it wrong.
Top of Head
And maybe I’ve been hard on myself about this.
Top of Head
No one really taught me how to settle.
Eyebrow
Maybe my parents or caregivers didn’t know how either.
Side of Eye
Maybe they wanted me quiet because they were overwhelmed.
Under Eye
And I learned to look still on the outside.
Under Nose
Even when I wasn’t settled on the inside.
Chin
No wonder this has been hard.
Collarbone
No wonder my body gets tense.
Under Arm
No wonder I’ve felt frustrated or scared.
Top of Head
And I’m noticing that now with kindness.
Top of Head
What if I don’t have to force this.
Eyebrow
What if I can notice my thoughts without believing all of them.
Side of Eye
What if I can notice my breath without trying to control it?
Under Eye
What if I can look around and see that I’m safe right now?
Under Nose
There is no lion or tiger here.
Chin
There is no angry parent telling me to settle right now.
Collarbone
Maybe my nervous system can learn this a little at a time.
Under Arm
Maybe I’m building a muscle for settling.
Top of Head
And I’m doing something kind and good for myself right now.