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Intentional Co-Thriving
[00:00:00] Rick: Intentional Co-Thriving, a real skills workshop because, you know, designing a thriving life is different than designing one where we, um, you know, we make it through, uh, it’s even different in my mind than, uh, a high performance lifestyle. Now, that’s my nature. You know, to me, Co-Thriving is a, is an ecosystem, and to make it attentional changes everything.
Uh, and I’m here with one of my co thrivers, um, Cathy Vartuli from the Intimacy Dojo and Thriving now and Cathy. We’ve been, we’ve been, we, we started one way just engaging around some things, and then we’ve evolved into Co-Thriving. Yes. And we’ve, uh, made it more and more intentional as time has gone on. Um.
What has that meant to you?
[00:00:58] Cathy: Um, I, well I [00:01:00] do think that often we, we stumble onto people that are good fit and we can often hang out in the right places, but I happen to be part of the team and, um, just sharing ideas that I love. Just I was sharing myself with someone I really respected and that really, that I think that helped open that door.
I think when we’re hiding, it’s harder to find people to connect with a lot of us. If, if you had trauma, I’ve had trauma, I tend to wanna hide who I am. I try to protect myself. And the fact that I trusted Rick enough to start sharing ideas and what was passionate for me, it gave us places to connect. And, um, I can’t imagine having a better friend than Rick.
It’s just. It’s been such a blessing for 18 years. Um, in fact, these kids call me Aunt Cathy and
[00:01:48] Rick: Super Aunt Cathy.
[00:01:49] Cathy: Super Aunt Cathy. Yes. Um, I feel closer to, to them than I do to some of my own nieces and nephews, just 'cause I don’t see them as often. Um, there’s not the effort put in to have that, the, [00:02:00] the points of connection.
Um, so, and I do think it, we keep evolving and we have the history and the, the depth there and it’s just been really delightful to, it’s a blessing. I, I can’t imagine not having Rick in my life. And we just had, Rick was here for almost two weeks and the kids were here for 11 days as well with Jim. And we were kind of exploring some of the things that were working for us and we thought it’d be really fun to talk about that.
I know that when I have things more conscious, I can actually implement them better versus I can have a dream or a wish or like, I’d like to have something like, I’d like to have a best buddy I can call and talk to and do fun things with and thrive with, but. When someone breaks down the concepts and shares ideas, I might have other concepts, but at least it gives me something more concrete to work on.
[00:02:47] Rick: Mm-hmm. I want to acknowledge that, you know, for thriving now, our work has been, and Cathy and my work earlier on, was to help people reprogram their primitive [00:03:00] brain so that they would have at least moments when their primitive brain wasn’t driving everything that they did and said, and the relationships that they had.
And in being privileged and blessed to watch people make that journey, they get to a place where they have resource. Now sometimes those of us that are resourced we’re generous or giving with people that don’t have resource. I, I, I know people in my life and I know you. Know people in your life, Cathy, that they’re in their primitive brain pretty much 24 7.
Mm-hmm.
[00:03:40] Rick: It sounds like it. Yeah. Um, there’s a level of anxiety vibe in what they’re doing and where they are. Their requests are more along the lines of, I need, rather than, Hey, is this, would you like to, are you open to, [00:04:00] um, how would it feel? Well, when someone’s
[00:04:02] Cathy: drowning, they’re gonna be like, they’re trying to get their head above water.
That is their sole goal. There’s not a lot of room for options and, Hey, would you like to do this? Oh, no problem if you don’t. It’s like, no, I must survive.
[00:04:13] Rick: Right? And, and there’s that immediate drowning survival. And there’s also just the strain of somebody feeling like, I need to get more fish. I need to get more fish and sell more fish and, and have more fish, uh, money.
Even friends. So, and there are,
[00:04:31] Cathy: just to be clear, we’re not judging people that are in that space. Right. There’s a lot of people in that space, in this world, and we’re privileged to not be, and also I think life is a lot better, and we can not be there all the time. We can step out of it.
[00:04:44] Rick: Mm-hmm. I, I do bring it up because I believe that we’re, I’m intending this as a real skills workshop for people that are not in their primitive brain all the time.
And that, uh, when I [00:05:00] intend a workshop to be for people that have some desire and resource for Co-Thriving, that that is something attractive. It’s a narrower group, even among, like, thriving now. It’s, it’s a much narrower group. Mm-hmm. And. Um, so if somebody happens onto this and your life stress is really up in the 8, 9, 10, we have some other things.
Start with our tapping free course, thriving now.com/tapping. Um, we have other things that we can point you to. Our inbox is open, uh, support@thrivingnow.com because, uh, Cathy touched on something points of connection and I want to just parse this out for, for us, because this is our intention, is that this be a skill and if we hit something that you’re like, huh?
What? Um, the, if you’re here with us live, the chat is open. It’s a way for you to participate [00:06:00] in the workshop is by asking questions, sharing wisdom. We ask that you not, um, cross coach each other. Um, in this context. We have the Thriving Now Center. If you want to, um, be open to getting some coaching from the community and from me in.
Intentional. It says that’s different than accidental Co-Thriving. I was looking for co-creators. I didn’t have the word yet, but as I was creating a team, my hope was that I would identify, um, I used to have a, a forum for Word perfect, and I identified out of the millions of people that used Word perfect, I had 50 people that were so excited about Word perfect and generous with their knowledge that they became co-creators with me back in the eight, the olden times, uh, of Copy serve.
Um, so I understood that I was looking for [00:07:00] points of connection. What matters to me and who does that also matter to? If, if painting natural scenes is something that you’re into, um, and you see someone painting in nature. Whether you go up to them or not, you can at least be intentional of, oh, there’s another person in my world that that’s a, a potential point of connection.
Now, whether they want to co-create or they just wanna be in their solitude, I don’t know, but at least we have this point of a connection that is a bit different than a common interest to me, there’s a more of a artistry aspect to it. Okay.
[00:07:45] Cathy: A philosophy of like a, a, it’s not just a surface interest if there’s a alignment.
[00:07:51] Rick: Right. There’s, that’s when I, when I use the term artistry, if you’re not, uh, not familiar with that, it’s a concept for thriving [00:08:00] and it says it includes the things that matter to me that I would really, I. I would be sad if I didn’t get to express that aspect of me. Like co-creating is, is, is just so core to me.
Uh, the idea that I would’ve done all these real skills workshops just by myself up on stage, um, uh, that’s so not me, that it almost makes me cry.
And so, you know, a point of interest finding people that, that are into co-creating, that, that’s pleasing to them. Um, when they talk, they talk about other, you know, they’ll give off clues and part of the intention then is to build our awareness. This matters to me. Does it matter to anyone else? Um, because Co-Thriving is a deeper quality of devotion to me than just, [00:09:00] Hey, we hang out together and you know,
[00:09:02] Cathy: everybody or something.
[00:09:04] Rick: Right. Um, I know people that, that play board games, um, with a depth to them that is really profound. Like you can imagine a chess master. There are people that play board games of all kinds at that level. Um, no, that’s not my thing, right? Co-Thriving could be, um, you know, I have a devotion to my daughter’s co.
And she has a best friend and they don’t, we just don’t get together very much. But her parents met doing board games and they never get a chance to do that. What if our point of interest for my daughter is she gets together with her friend. [00:10:00] Her parents get to go off and do something that really helps them thrive.
Ooh, isn’t that interesting how the universe could make it so that if I’m interested in someone’s Co-Thriving, it extends me out, right? My possibilities. And now this friend of my daughter’s is a really cool person, and they start doing shows together. And plays together, and I want to see my daughter’s artistry.
That’s really important to me to get a chance to witness. And guess what? There’s a, an ecosystem that starts coming together. Um, and that’s, and that’s what I notice. And that’s what, what, one of the reasons why this making it intentional as an invitation, like, oh. I intend, I tend to be, to see if Co-Thriving is possible.
What are the points of connection? Connection [00:11:00] meaning it’s, it’s not just a logical connection. Um, and maybe I’m putting down logical connections 'cause sometimes logical connections is more than enough. But, um, in my concept of thriving, there’s, there’s a deeper meaningfulness of what we focus on for our Co-Thriving.
Um, it’s our check-in point, like, like for Cathy and I, we want to get together and, and dance hearts and minds and this space. And if we don’t, you know, once a month is sort of the minimum two fits our schedule and kind of fits my energy. We like talking every day, um, or exchanging connection every day. Um, that’s really nice for me.
But I’m a responder and so Cathy does a lot of the reaching out. You know, we talked about it [00:12:00] and you know, she’s got the capacity to be an initiator more than I do, and the net result is I get to be responder. She gets to be, you can talk to about what you get to be there, but you know, I.
[00:12:17] Cathy: Uh, it’s not a rigid role though.
That’s one of the things that I like to, not a rigid role. Yeah. There’s no assignment. Like, you must be this or it’s not, you know, like, if I don’t call, he’ll call me often. But, um, one of the things that invite you, like if you’re here and you are interested in either improving crow, thrive, thriving, you already have or you want your own and don’t have something.
Now as we’re describing things, notice what feels good to your body, what interests you, because it can help you tune in. I, I don’t think this is a topic that people talk about very often, so there’s not a lot of modeling or. The, the mirror neurons in our brain are kinda like, I don’t know what I’m looking for.
I just know I have this idea. Um, and I would imagine if you’re on this call, there’s some part of [00:13:00] you that wants either to improve or to create a, a, a sense of thriving with other people. And so just if you can just keep that, just keep that kind of you, we’ll be here talking, but also keep the awareness of what you want and let yourself dial in a little bit.
So I’m okay with reaching out most of the time, but there are times I want Rick to reach out and it’s not, it’s not a rigid thing just to kind of go back, but you get to have what you, you, you can ask for what you want. And we’ve had part of the creating this is we’ve had discussions about, Hey, I’m feeling a little bit like you’re not reaching out a lot.
We’ve had a couple times where I’m like, I really would like you to reach back more. So it’s not that it just evolved. We just dropped in like puzzle pieces and everything was perfect. It’s like, oh wait, I see like the trend is I’m calling four outta five times. And that seems a little bit more than I want to have happen.
Can, you know, I’d really, I would feel more welcome and part of this, if you’d step that up, or we get to ask for what we want. And [00:14:00] I think that’s a big part of this, is we have to risk being authentic. We have to risk expressing ourselves because people who pretend, um, there’s a misalignment when we’re pretending just to hang out with someone, just to have that people together.
Um, I know I’ve done that a lot in other relationships, but we’ve, um, Rick is trustworthy enough for me. I’ve had a lot of trust that I can talk to him. And there’s also, um, I feel safe enough to be honest with him. I, and we built that up over time where I can say, Hey, you know, I love so much of what we have and I don’t wanna risk it, but there’s like a 2% thing that’s like, I really would like to talk about and try to tweak in.
And it’s bothering me. And so it’s. I think the thriving we’ve created has been a thing, something that this relationship between us. Um, then people that talk, uh, there’s a lot of people that talk about the relationship health as opposed to a separate, like there’s two [00:15:00] people or many people in the, how is the field between us?
Um, yeah, we built that over time and there’s been a strengthening over time as we’ve faced different things.
[00:15:11] Rick: I, I want to circle back to doing some tapping around authenticity and the vulnerability there. Um, and blend in what I’m, it’s like I, uh, the plan was to meet in California, right. And at your house.
Mm-hmm.
[00:15:36] Rick: And I remember that you spoke to, um, I would really love it if you could come in. A few days early.
[00:15:47] Cathy: Yes. The summer time.
[00:15:50] Rick: Yeah. Now that’s vulnerable because I, I was feeling like, God, there are so many things I need to get done here at the house. [00:16:00] And because she’s aware of that and she’s aware that I really do treasure one-on-one time with people I care about, like one-on-one time is really where, um, I calibrate to the people that are closest to me.
And so I felt you put that in that context. Like, this isn’t, I’ll be okay if you don’t.
[00:16:24] Cathy: It’s not a demand, it’s not a requirement,
[00:16:27] Rick: but, and my sense of us, the we space is that it would really benefit. From some one-on-one time, we haven’t had it. And when kids are present, it’s a different experience. And it’s true.
You have a 4-year-old jump
[00:16:40] Cathy: on you in the middle of a conversation and wanna play doctor and put bandaid on your mouth or whatever.
[00:16:44] Rick: Yeah. Yeah. She’s busy. Um, and she’s very enthusiastic about her super Aunt Cathy,
[00:16:51] Cathy: enthusiastic right back, so it’s fine. Yeah,
[00:16:54] Rick: right. But then, but that, what that did is it gave us a, a reconnection [00:17:00] to the other times that we’ve had one-on-one time.
Um, was that easy for me within the relationship? It was that she and I have, it was really easy. It was absolutely a yes. But I also have this stewardship of my home and, um.
I just, I want to acknowledge that we, we often have multiple we spaces that we’re a part of trying to balance all and, and balancing those. An intentional Co-Thriving does say, well, would this contribute to our Co-Thriving? And the answer to that is yes. Then it really does it, it raises it in my heart to a sacred decision.
Like, okay, how could I make this work for the, the tending I need? I really [00:18:00] wanted to do for the house. And what I did is I cleared my schedule enough so that I could get the things done in the house and get packed and get to Cathy. Um, and it’s interesting to me how when we have. Something that’s Co-Thriving together, it actually can give us energy to do other things in other spaces.
So the artist that gets together with somebody who just, their best art comes out when they’re not standing alone, their best art comes out when there’s a sense of another human who’s also in their art space. Um,
and once they do that, when they go back to their own studio, sometimes they can feel that presence with them. Even if, like, I feel Cathy with me more vividly, having spent the physical time together, there’s now more of a vivid [00:19:00] presence in and with me that goes to every other aspect of my life, my parenting, my, my writing of, of email newsletters and things like that.
If, and if that hasn’t been your experience, um. That’s normal. I, I don’t, I don’t see many people, and I think that the skill thing is I am going to make it more intentional. I want Co-Thriving, if that’s true. And just by taking that incremental step, the emotional blocks will show up. But that’s okay. You still intend, you intend Co-Thriving.
That’s what is gonna put you right? Mm-hmm. We can intend Co-Thriving for our children. And, and notice then even more intensely, well, they’re not thriving in that way. Okay. But I intend Co-Thriving. We even make it intent. We even make it. Um, [00:20:00] I’ve used this term now that we came up with it. Um, I, I had never heard of the term Co-Thriving.
It was kind of an inspired thought. Um, I’m sure it’s been used in humanity before. Um, but mentioning it to, um, my partner before she went off to be with her sister, with the kids, to me that just bringing up the concept opens up the possibility for people to strengthen. In their case, they have a blood bond, but it, it, it strengthens something else about intention.
I don’t want to just spend time with you. I want you to be thriving and I, I’m feeling you want me to be thriving as much as we can, and that also, of course we can, we can still turn around and ask for a hug and support and we’re gonna have griefs and pains and other things. [00:21:00] Right?
[00:21:01] Cathy: Yeah. We’ll,
[00:21:02] Rick: um, yeah.
[00:21:06] Cathy: Well, just to bring it back to authenticity and the, the, I think tapping would be great. One of the things I’ve been studying a lot about, um, marriage and relationships and long-term relationships and how they evolve and ones where people are really invested. They actually, you know, I think there’s a concept, oh, I’ll, I’ll, it’ll be easier later on.
I won’t have to keep working at things like, I’ll know this person, but the risk actually gets bigger. So I know Rick was very, very busy. The kids take a lot of time, so for me to ask him to come out early was a risk. They, you know, it also meant gem, his partner had to travel alone with the kids. And like, it was, it was a big ask.
Um, and because relationships tend to mean more if we’ve invested in them over time, there is a bigger risk. When we ask for something like the, it’s like, oh, do I really wanna rock this boat? It’s moving pretty smoothly. But if we don’t risk, if we don’t ask for what we want, if we don’t share our [00:22:00] our wants, then.
We’re not really, um, it’s not evolving in a way that’s really healthy, I think. And it’s not becoming, um, I don’t know about how many of you grew up in a family where people pretended a lot, but it was very plastic and I didn’t feel fulfilled and nourished by it. And I Co-Thriving is the opposite of that.
It’s, I get to be myself. I get to have, well, my knee hurts right now, and I I’m not gonna help you cook dinner or clean up after dinner and I’m feeling sorry for myself and now I feel great and I can watch the kids. I get to be all of me in that relationship. Um, but there is a risk. And the, the longer and deeper that we go into relationships, the bigger the risk can take and the more courage it can take to bring up some of these things that you’re like, I don’t know if you wanna see this part of me.
I don’t know if you wanna hear this request from me. Am I risking the relationship if I do that? So I, I’d love to tap on something that you were, you’d suggest about tapping on being authentic in relationships. I think it’s a big part [00:23:00] of this.
[00:23:01] Rick: Yeah. Would you be willing to lead us?
[00:23:03] Cathy: Yeah. Yeah. And don’t you just take a nice deep breath.
And just notice what you’re feeling in your body. If you think about being authentic with someone, fi, think of someone that you’re relatively close to that you are considering, that you’d like to, you know, maybe take it a little deeper. Co-Thriving doesn’t start out in the deep end of the pull off, and it starts out with, you know, just someone you bumped into.
So it can be anywhere along the depth of a, a friendship. Um, but just notice if you think about sharing something, it’s a little tender, a little bit. I’m not, it’s right at the edge. It’s like there’s things that you’re like, yep, I can share that. No problem. There’s things like, I am not ready to share.
We’re talking about things on that borderline, like, eh, it’s kind of tender. I’m not sure. Uh, I’m on a good day. I might share on a bad day. In no way. Just notice how you feel in your body. Is there, fear? Is there, what? How do you actually feel in your body when you think about sharing this thing with that person?[00:24:00]
Just be with that feeling if you can. I heard the other day, uh, someone shared with me, uh, it was a brilliant concept To me, courage is relational. We have more courage when we have good co solid relations. I am much more courageous about saying something to Rick than I would be to an angry boss or my mother when she’s upset.
But we also have a relationship with ourselves. So if you’re with yourself with those uncomfortable feelings, you’re actually having a relationship with yourself and that gives you some solidity and courage. And I think it also gives us a better evaluation sometimes. Um, it may not be, you may not be ready to share.
People can get vulnerability hangovers, they can share too much too early. So just being with the actual feelings that you, when you think about it and just being with yourself can give you a lot of clarity. So just take [00:25:00] another deep breath, karate up. Even though I’m considering sharing this thing with someone.
[00:25:07] Rick: Even though I’m considering sharing this thing with someone,
[00:25:10] Cathy: wow, does it feel tender?
[00:25:13] Rick: Wow, does it feel tender?
[00:25:15] Cathy: I’m not sure if I’m ready to risk this
[00:25:17] Rick: and I’m not sure I’m ready to risk that
[00:25:20] Cathy: top of the head. It might risk the relationship.
[00:25:24] Rick: It might risk the relationship.
[00:25:26] Cathy: I rather they might run screaming.
[00:25:28] Rick: They might run screaming. I’ve seen that happen
[00:25:31] Cathy: side of the eye, and I don’t wanna face their judgment
[00:25:35] Rick: and I don’t wanna face their judgment
[00:25:37] Cathy: under the eye. This is a tender part of me.
[00:25:41] Rick: This is a tender part of me
[00:25:44] Cathy: under the nose. I kind of wanna express it and share it,
[00:25:49] Rick: and I do kind of wanna express it and share it.
[00:25:52] Cathy: Jen, it feels kind of alive to share with someone I trust.
[00:25:56] Rick: It does feel alive to share with someone I trust
[00:25:59] Cathy: [00:26:00] collarbone. Where is this relationship?
[00:26:02] Rick: Where is this relationship?
[00:26:05] Cathy: How do I feel about this person?
[00:26:09] Rick: How do I feel about this person?
[00:26:11] Cathy: Top of the head? And this topic
[00:26:14] Rick: and this topic,
[00:26:16] Cathy: I grow at this time,
[00:26:17] Rick: at this time.
[00:26:19] Cathy: Side of the eye. I get to choose.
[00:26:25] Rick: I get to choose.
[00:26:26] Cathy: Under the eye. There are pluses and minuses to everything.
[00:26:30] Rick: There are pluses and minuses to everything
[00:26:33] Cathy: under the nose. Sharing might open up the relationship in beautiful ways.
[00:26:37] Rick: Sharing might open up the relationship in beautiful ways.
[00:26:41] Cathy: Chin, it might help me feel more solid in myself.
[00:26:45] Rick: It might help me feel more solid in myself.
[00:26:48] Cathy: Collarbone. And there are some risks
[00:26:51] Rick: and there are some risks.
[00:26:53] Cathy: And vim, what feels right to me right now.
[00:26:57] Rick: What feels right to me right now? [00:27:00]
[00:27:00] Cathy: Top of head. Do I wanna take this step?
[00:27:04] Rick: Do I want to take this step?
[00:27:06] Cathy: Take a nice deep breath. And I really do encourage you to take baby steps when you’re testing out a relationship.
You do not have to jump in the deep end and like share something with your heart all out in the open. Um, I do. I like it’s testing in a like, Hey, is this bridge solid? I’m not gonna go running out in the middle of it. I’m gonna put a little bit of, put a foot down. Okay. It seemed pretty solid. How about this one?
And it’s okay to build up on these things and see how people respond and. There’s also never a guarantee. Everybody can have a good day or a bad day. Everyone could have, you know, there’s certain topics that might be really tender to that person too. And I think as you build that kind of, hopefully they’re sharing back, if you kind of model that, that can really open that up too.
Um, and repair is something that can happen [00:28:00] in a good relationship. It’s, you don’t have to be perfect all the time. Sometimes you might take too big a step or not step at all or step on somebody and you’re like, oh, I’m really sorry. That’s not what I meant to do. How can we make this better so we don’t have to be perfect as we go forward with these steps?
[00:28:16] Rick: Mm-hmm. And there’s, I picture part of the skill and attunement of Co-Thriving is that it puts us in a, a little bit different place and authenticity, right? Like there’s a lot of depth of what’s going on in my world. I’m looking for co thrivers around dance. So when I, when I came to Asheville, um, I didn’t use the term Co-Thriving, but I, I said to one of the other men, um, 'cause he, he was open and he was, he felt trustworthy.
In fact, he’s one of the people I met and I wanted to come to Asheville to be around people like him. [00:29:00] And, um, I don’t know, we were talking and I said, you know what would make a real big difference for me? And he said, what if when I walked into the room, I just felt that you were happy to see me. And we went a little deeper, but we didn’t have to.
And you know what’s interesting? Probably 99 out of a hundred times that he saw me. After that, as soon as he noticed me, he gave me acknowledgement. And maybe a, you know, a, a wiggle dance. He is a very playful person and he, it fit his personality. I wasn’t asking him to stretch, but I was saying this would really support my, my thriving.
And I came to know it through conversing with him. Other things that he really liked as well. [00:30:00] There were certain types of, um, like he was almost always used as the person that people would dance on. He would be the bass, the rock. He, you know, very strong, but he didn’t get that experience very often for himself.
Mm-hmm. And so when I was feeling like I could be the base, I would let him explore another person. So Co-Thriving doesn’t have to look like we do exactly the same thing for each other. But there’s a space where you’re saying, I want you to enjoy your dance. I want me to enjoy my dance. I want our we space for everyone to be expanded.
Because if I feel welcome just by one person, a hundred people there, if one person is glad I’m there, I’m home. Yeah. One person. Until I get that sense, there’s a little bit of my energy. Is it, it takes a lot more effort for me [00:31:00] to drop in. Um, I can, I develop that skill, but it’s not the same as Co-Thriving, Co-Thriving says, the people that know me know that if they’re there and there’s an acknowledgement that looks like, Hey, I’m glad you’re here.
Good to see you. Um,
[00:31:19] Cathy: I think a lot of people like that, but aren’t, they’re afraid to ask for it. I mean, right. It’s like, oh God, you’re here. Yay. I’m glad. Like, oh, nice.
[00:31:28] Rick: Yeah. And. And, um, by making it explicit, there was a deeper acknowledgement of how he was serving my wellbeing and how I was serving his wellbeing. And it expanded beyond that, um, over our years of dancing before he, um, moved to another area.
But I share that because there’s, there it [00:32:00] is vulnerable. Um, but I, we can lead with what would make this, um, you know, easier for me. Oh, it would be easier for, I, I would enjoy this dance more, even more like, I enjoyed the dance. I think I probably said I would enjoy this dance even more if, you know, uh, someone just greeted me as if they’re glad to see me.
Mm-hmm. And, um.
So I believe that there are things at work where like, we can ask what would, what would make work just a little, little better for you. One
thing, I, I didn’t have this
[00:32:46] Rick: grumpy ass boss
fail. Okay, well, how,
[00:32:51] Rick: how about if we weren’t grumpy with each other? Would that, you know, like, yeah. Hey, I see you. Glad to see you.[00:33:00]
Um, or, um, yeah, I’m just, I get so tired of eating lunch by myself at my desk. Okay. How about if we once a month without having to put it on the calendar necessarily, but we both mutually intend to find a convenient time or space. Um, and you know, sometimes I like making lunches for people. What do you like to eat?
If I brought a picnic, you know, for us to go sit outside and go for a walk and sit on the bench that’s over there. Um. No, I don’t like being outside. Okay. How about, you know, someplace else in the office, you see how you’re looking
[00:33:36] Cathy: for, looking for the dial in,
[00:33:38] Rick: right? But you’re saying it’s a mutual intention to make life more thriving
[00:33:44] Cathy: for everybody.
Yeah. For the people in that,
[00:33:46] Rick: for the people that we’re choosing to, to, to, um, find points of connection with.
[00:33:52] Cathy: So I’d love to share with the group, and I’d like to see if you can notice this is not a demand I’d like, I just, um, one of the things I [00:34:00] notice I like is that would make this call even better for me is I really love when people are sharing in the comments like, oh, I had this experience, or what, how does this work?
Or what about this? And um, it’s been a quiet, kind of quiet chat today. So I’m sharing that it’s not a demand. I’m really glad to be here with you all. Either way. Um, I love the idea of more people out there thriving and Co-Thriving. Um, and you know, hopefully what we’re sharing is helpful and it’s really lovely to get the feedback and the kind of the direction We often take the direction from people.
Well, there’s already, wow, that worked very fast. There’s already a chat. Um, so it just, if you can notice I tried to share it. It wasn’t a, a demand like, oh my God, it would be so much better if you all just shared. Why are you not sharing? It was like, I noticed the knob. We can turn the knob up a little bit if, you know, I would, that’s something I enjoy and it is risky to share that because I mind, I get it and that I, I have to be able to take [00:35:00] care of myself if I don’t get it.
And maybe that wouldn’t mean calling Rick afterwards, like nobody shared. But you know, like you can start with small things that mean something to you like Rick was talking about with his friend. Like, Hey, I love to know that you’re really happy to see me. So I’m curious what people, what other things, like if, can you notice something small if you’d like to share in the chat or just take a note for yourself?
What would make your, um, what would make thing, something that you experience every day or week, weekly, a little better that you might be able to ask for?
Um, so can I, I
[00:35:35] Rick: can take this one if you, do you wanna do it or
[00:35:37] Cathy: No, go ahead. No, I just was babbling.
[00:35:40] Rick: So what if you’ve experienced, someone wrote what if you’ve experienced thinking someone is trustworthy when they’ve been interested and appear genuine, but later learned they were just masking and using you, um, and they often narcissistically turn on you.
Um, how to begin even opening up or knowing if anyone is [00:36:00] safe when this event has happened many times. So, you know, your instincts are off or that you’re susceptible is the way that I, I put it, um, that this type of personality is very, very skilled in tricking people and why they trick they trick
[00:36:15] Cathy: world experts.
So it’s not you.
[00:36:18] Rick: Yeah. And, and it talk about a skill like, oh boy, I, it, it, it’s, it’s. If you live in a particular region, you need to learn how to like, drive on black ice. You need to know how to recognize it and what to do and not do. Um, and if you’ve crashed your car a bunch of times on black ice, it’d be like, I should never go out when the temperature is less than 75 degrees or whatever.
Um, I get that. One of the interesting things here is that I want, I, I, I know this person. I want them to be thriving. I [00:37:00] feel like I’m engaged with their Co-Thriving. And one of my interesting questions, at least it’s interesting to me, is what is the type of Co-Thriving invitation that narcissists would find repulsive or like very quickly show that they’re not on that board.
Yeah.
[00:37:19] Rick: Right. So, um, like.
I have a hunch that if you say, well, what, what would make this experience of, um, being in this space together even better for you? What do you mean? Oh, it’s great. I I’m, I’m doing fine. Or, but if, if there’s depth, any depth of vulnerability, any depth of vulnerability about like, well, I, I have a hard time in a situation like this, doing this.
Oh, okay. [00:38:00] So if I did this, would that help your thriving? Yeah. Well, for me it’s this. And if you, you know, would you be willing or open to doing that as just part of our mutual thriving together? Notice it’s sup. It’s different than supporting each other through, um, a challenge. You’re really asking, do you have the capacity and awareness?
To add to each other’s lives. Say that there are things that, um, that matter to you that you could use some support, and is that a yes for me? Um,
mo there are certain classes of people with narcissistic behaviors that, um, refuse to be vulnerable. They have to maintain their status, um, or they share stories that, um, isn’t really about now. And how can I, how can, how [00:39:00] can we be, uh, not just surviving together, but really make it great? Like, yeah. How do you find when you’re, when you’re studying together, what, um, uh, do you like to study?
What, which is sweeter for you to study in solitude, um, to study together? How does that work for you? If we were gonna really be thriving in our careers, what might that look look like? So that, that’s a thought. Mm-hmm. And, um, when you have people that you’re co wanting to cohr with, um, you can, you can explore that edge with them because as Cathy said, it’s an invitation.
She made an invitation. If nobody had responded, Cathy and I are fine.
[00:39:44] Cathy: Mm-hmm.
[00:39:44] Rick: We’re coats.
[00:39:45] Cathy: I would cry very long.
[00:39:47] Rick: Right. I would, I would send her some tissues. Um, and, and that’s one of the reasons I created Thriving Now, was I believe that there are things [00:40:00] where, um, our life experiences. Whether trauma or environment, um, ancestral stuff that includes our parents and going backwards that these things, if somebody’s interested in your thriving, it’s different than them being interested in, in fixing you.
They’re looking for something that really is your yes. And when I offer something that’s an invitation, if it’s not somebody’s, yes, I hope they compost it, you know? And, um, so go ahead. Yeah.
[00:40:37] Cathy: Well, I just, it, I think also narcissists tend to have an agenda and one of the things we talked about before this call is, um.
Everyone has agendas. We have agendas all the time, just humans being human. But if my agenda is to fill some internal need and create a certain picture, like I want Rick to arrive three days ahead [00:41:00] and tell me I’m, I’m wonderful and taking me out for dinner and like I, I have a picture of what it should look like.
There’s a rigidity around it. My intention was to strengthen our relationship and to keep that thriving and also for us to both have fun. I didn’t wanna make him do anything. A narcissist will often want to make you do things. They may try to make you think it’s your idea. They may try, but they’ll, there’s often a feeling of being wrangled or kind of pushed.
And so if that helps, it’s, I, I grew up with someone who’s pretty narcissistic and he was really good at it, and it was really hard to tell, but. I, over time I’ve kind of learned, oh, that kind of feels, I feel like I’m being steered here. I don’t like that I can speak up. If the person, you know, backs off or adjusts, that’s fine.
But if they keep trying to steer, maybe I don’t wanna be steered. Thriving is not to me about guidance, suggestions, support, great. But it’s different than someone trying to make something happen. [00:42:00] Um, so, and I, I really, someone else shared and I thank you all for sharing. It makes me so happy. Um, someone shared, I tend to be a loner and it sometimes seems easier to work out things alone.
And yet lately I sense a need from a heartfelt connections. It’s hard to even know where to start finding new friends, especially with chronic illness, low energy. I think I have some ambivalence struggling to trust and open up and I just resonate with that. 'cause I’m super competent. I can take care of things myself.
And I didn’t have a lot of friends because I was so scared of connecting with people. And I’ve done a lot of therapy and work before I’ve met Rick. And I think over time I’ve kind of evolved that. If you’re used to doing things alone, and maybe you’ve had a lot of experiences that help you think that it’s safer to be alone and not connect.
Like if you grew up in a place where the cost of reaching out for help or connecting was really painful, it was really, there was a high cost. Your, your nervous system maybe go like, Nope, I don’t want anything to do with it. And it can help to realize you’re probably not in that same [00:43:00] situation. You may still have a lot of, some struggles going on, obviously, but we can build the muscle of opening up.
And I had to build that over time. With Rick, it was, I didn’t have a lot of close friends. I was scared to be too close to people and I had to slowly go, okay, I’m gonna, this is hard, but I’m gonna do this. Oh wow. That worked out really well. Oh, that time it didn’t work out so great, but I can learn from it.
The, the relationship was still steady and caring. Um, I do think that humans often do really well when we have some. Connection. I think humans we’re social animals, and yet some of us have had life experiences where that hasn’t been very safe. So I have a lot of compassion. Um, and I would encourage you to start out again, take some baby steps, start building some muscles, and then you have the option to step in or step out.
And one of the things I, I loved about freedom as part of this too, when Rick and Gem and the kids were here, there were times where I’m like, oh, I have to go to work, or I have a meeting. [00:44:00] I need some alone time. I need to take a nap. And we kind of all had that freedom to have our own space. It didn’t have to be like melded.
So maybe trying to step in, step out, give yourself some freedom to decide what’s right for you in a given situation. Um, but I do think having, I love having more skills and more options. So maybe give it a test drive.
[00:44:24] Rick: Mm-hmm.
The term heartfelt connections. Um.
As we’re exploring possibilities and, and someone said that the poss possibilities help us, um, it certainly applies for me that if I feel like heartfelt, uh,
heartfelt connections. So if I’m spending time in [00:45:00] heartfelt connection land and my, the, the, the presence in my world is my furry friend, my, my cat, let’s say, and heartfelt connections around Co-Thriving would, would focus a bit more energy toward
that heart connection. Around the co part of thriving. Now, if your cat notices that, you know, just seems to magically notice when you could use a pur
mm-hmm.
[00:45:41] Rick: That to me is Co-Thriving
and looking, uh, at we, we were talking about trust and there’s, there, there are people that are project a lot of, uh, charisma and, but they’re not necessarily, [00:46:00] um, trustworthy if we’re, we’re in a tender place noticing like, I intend for there to be more Co-Thriving in the world, how do I feel not alone in that?
Well, if I’m focused on, on contention and conflict and competition and status stuff. Can you notice? Like I don’t feel very right. That did not take long. That was like 11 seconds of focusing generally on those things. Now, if I jumped into it and spent, you know, 20 minutes, uh, really slathering that, that’s like, I don’t, I, I don’t feel like Co-Thriving now as I, as I feel that Cathy put out an invitation and then there was no obligation whatsoever.
No. [00:47:00] And we reinforce that nobody has to have their video on. Some people do. Nobody has to use their real name. Some people do. Nobody has to share anything in the chat. Some people do. So Co-Thriving says, where are there things that please me in the world that are not on, not based on obligation?
Mm-hmm.
[00:47:24] Rick: And. If I start tuning myself to thoughtfulness, which is in that zone of, Hey, this person has some, some life force to share. They’re not looking to get anything back specifically. And I noticed that they, you know, they just gently helped someone with something, not even somebody that was struggling, just somebody, they just added [00:48:00] some extra help.
Mm-hmm. Or they were feeling good and they were friendly with somebody else who was already sort of friendly. But you could tell that interaction filled both of their tanks so that if they were dealing with grumpy, grumpy, gramps, and, and, and angry, um, Arne. In an hour, they’d have more, uh, sense of being connected with other people that are doing Co-Thriving as well.
Yeah. And if I notice that, then I can start attuning myself to what does it look like? What does it sound like? What does it smell like? Where are people doing that? You know, I, um,
I’m just really touched by the way that [00:49:00] people recognize, and there are, there are people that, uh, I’m the person that we’re talking about heartfelt connections, happens to share some things on occasion and are in the center. And the center’s a pretty quiet place. Um, uh, and it means so much to have somebody share.
Some of their art, some of their thoughts, some of their feedback, um, some of themselves. Now that’s, it’s a place I created for that one person doing that, and there’s more than one. But those people that show up when it’s right for them and contribute there are entering into my Co-Thriving space, one that I’ve crafted, and that they’re welcome.
Isn’t that cool?
[00:49:56] Cathy: And you can have more than one, which I love. You can have many co
[00:49:59] Rick: And if people [00:50:00] start getting used to, oh, that’s a, that’s a Co-Thriving space. That’s what, oh, that’s what it feels like.
Mm-hmm.
[00:50:07] Rick: Oh, here. I can ask, I can ask for people to give me some feedback or to not, isn’t that cool? Um.
Noticing spaces that are, are oriented toward Co-Thriving, even imperfectly. Um, there are, there are businesses that exist in the world and, and occasionally you run across somebody and, and you can tell they, they’re engaged in a place where there’s a lot of attention on Co-Thriving if that’s not your workplace.
Yeah. You, you kind of process a lot of that in, in solitude. That’s a, that’s a skill that we, we, uh, also support. Tapping on your, on yourself meditation, all the things
and being a part of any [00:51:00] Co-Thriving, uh, connection. And I believe multiple ones can help us navigate situations which. Are unlikely to become Co-Thriving situations. They could be, they could still be meaningful. Like making money is, could be meaningful. Maybe the work that you do there is meaningful to you personally, even if the organization isn’t, um, like really oriented toward everyone thriving.
Um, that’s okay. They’re, they’re family, family people that are under stress and strain. Um, that, that having a, a real conversation about Co-Thriving together is not going to, um, like you just know them. They’re not in a place right now. Now it’s like you’d
[00:51:49] Cathy: be probably speaking a different language and they won’t
[00:51:51] Rick: understand.
Yeah, yeah. If you suddenly spoke, started speaking a, a different, entirely different language, because this is, that, this [00:52:00] is a different language. The language of thriving is different from surviving obligation has give to get reciprocity is a. Survival. I scratch your back, you scratch mine. You’re not scratching my back and I scratch your back.
You need to scratch my back. I scratch
[00:52:18] Cathy: harder. Come on.
[00:52:19] Rick: I, I, I scratched you for 45 minutes. I rubbed your feet for 45 minutes. I expect my 45 minutes. I’m setting a timer. Um, that’s survival. Um, oh, I’d be happy to take you to the airport at 3:00 AM
That if that creates an obligation and, um, and most of us who are sensitive can often feel like, that’s why I don’t ask is that either the person thinks that they’re creating an o, that there’s now an obligation for me to say yes. So this language of consent and congruence, authenticity, um. It’s a [00:53:00] different language and that’s what makes it a skill.
And it also makes it, I think, one of the, the most exciting leading edge places in human development if we’re, if we can be thriving together and conscious of that and intentional about that without obligation, um, maintaining the sanctity of we spaces, but allowing for as much freedom in that as, as the we space can strengthen and hold.
You know, that to me is, is very exciting.
[00:53:30] Cathy: I just wanna clarify 'cause obligation is different from an exchange. Um, and implied like I do something, you would do something back versus an explicit like, Hey Rick, that’s not my favorite thing, but I really need help with this. Can we do an exchange? Is can fit well within that.
That kind of Co-Thriving, but it’s explicitly stated, it’s not that implied, you owe me now, kind of thing.
[00:53:52] Rick: It’s an agreement rather than an an oblig an expectation that you’re now obligated,
[00:53:57] Cathy: right?
[00:53:57] Rick: Yeah. Um, yeah, and, and we love [00:54:00] agreements exchange and, and do this for that is perfectly fine when it’s explicit.
Um,
[00:54:07] Cathy: it’s out in the open, not just to like, and
[00:54:09] Rick: the person has a freedom to say no. Um, exactly.
[00:54:12] Cathy: Versus, oh, you already did the thing, now you’re stuck and now you have to do another.
[00:54:17] Rick: Yeah. Yeah. You just owe me a favor. You just owe me a favor.
[00:54:24] Cathy: You need to work on your Italian accent.
[00:54:28] Rick: It’s not, that’s, that’s a, that’s, um, that’s a mafia accent.
[00:54:37] Cathy: Um, I just wanna, I know you wanna go to break probably, but someone had shared that their best friend just stumped them doing a, to do a misunderstanding. And I, I, I, that’s really hard. I did actually have that happen to me once and it just broke my heart. 'cause we were really close. Um, but. I think there’s some people, sometimes they’re just gone, but sometimes there is a chance of repair and part of [00:55:00] a thriving, a Co-Thriving relationship there has to be able to be repair because we’re taking risks for sharing ourselves.
We’re trying new things. And I actually, I’d love to do some talk calls in the future about how to, you know, how, how can we repair things, um, in relationships because that is a, a lot of people don’t, so often it’s a perfection model. We see all the TV shows where everything is perfect and they somehow read our minds and no one trips on themselves or has bad breath, but that’s not how life is.
And simple misunderstandings can get really blown up. And I think if we, as we’re taking these small risks and building ways to kind of talk, oh wait, I don’t think you got me. Can we talk about what? That you seem upset, um, or what did you think? I said, what do you think I meant? Um. It builds resiliency into the Co-Thriving experience.
It’s not like I have to be perfect, and when we’re feeling trapped, we have to be perfect. There’s a, [00:56:00] we’re not really flowing. Um, so I just wanted to, I thought that was a, a, a touching share and also like something that, it’s important to realize that we have to, if we don’t have skills to repair and hopefully other people that are willing to repair with us and have some opening to that, it’s gonna be a little harder to go deeper.
Um, and it’s something maybe you can build in over time model. Okay, let’s, like, let’s show, let’s see how this works, let’s see if we can respond to that. Um, but our society in general is not very good at repairing things. We’re, we’re very disposable with humans. Yeah.
[00:56:38] Rick: Okay. We’re gonna take a quick seven minute break.
Um. And we’ll pause the recording and if you’re with us on the recording, as many people in part of our community in Europe who are at, in the wee hours of the night. Yes. As we’re doing this, uh, this time. Um, yeah. Uh, I, we invite you to take a break too. Just let things integrate [00:57:00] and if something comes to you during, during the break or after, please feel free if it’s a yes for you to share it in the chat.
Um, so we’ll continue on. Yeah. Welcome back. Intentional Co-Thriving. And, and someone shared that we were talking about heartfelt connections. They put that in the chat and they put, um, thank you. I appreciate your words and support and, um,
we, if, if you make Co-Thriving intentional, you can notice. I am actually providing information to those people in my life about what I appreciate, what I, what, what touches my heart, what feels good to me, what gave me a boost of [00:58:00] energy.
I think it’s great when people do that around the things that we’re like, oh, you really saved my butt. I, I when we’re useful to another human and really save, uh, save the day, so to speak. Um, that’s, that’s great. But there’s a lot of things that go into Co-Thriving that we communicate, and by, by recognizing as part of the skill is when someone thanks me for.
Taking the time to give a personal reply mm-hmm. Or to, um, support them and recognize and like, um, that becomes a point of connection.
Mm-hmm.
[00:58:58] Rick: And points of connection [00:59:00] are not just like all trackers. I believe that the ways that I’m connected to people, um, speak for me, ask for me, make me aware of what’s going on in their world sometimes before,
before they even ask. We’re energetic. These points of connection and Co-Thriving are energetic too. And when we, um, when we do take moments of letting people know. Yeah. Hey buddy. I just, thanks again for the enthusiasm. When I walked in the room, I was feeling so uncertain and I, I was this close to, to walking out and I had just a great dance.
And, uh, you’re, you’re welcome. And knowing I could just come right over to you and [01:00:00] join your dance and, uh, I would be welcome. That really made, it really made a difference to me today. Now, that was a vulnerable point, but by saying that I’m reinforcing the meaningfulness of our relating, um, you know, one of the things that he and I talked about is enthusiasm is not always consensual, especially if you’re a old, I’ve been
[01:00:30] Cathy: coming up and jumping on you.
It’s like,
[01:00:32] Rick: I like, you know, and he said, Hey, you’ve given me permission. To be my enthusiastic self. Like, you know, he would do that. Like he would, he would do that. And, and so isn’t that interesting? In our Co-Thriving, we reinforced, uh, each other’s essential nature, um, and strengthened it and added more [01:01:00] value.
And so if you noticed that someone does something, um, be it whether you articulated out your mouth, know that, when you recognize that inside, like, oh, that was, that’s an act of Co-Thriving. Um, even if accidental, it’s still like, oh yeah, I notice them doing it. I notice me doing it. I notice it allows us to retune our empathy from and, and sensors to being threat alerts only.
Um, yeah, if there’s a tsunami alert, it’s time to get to high, higher ground if you’re at risk. Yeah. Um. We want to be responsive to that and our sensors can be used for really beautiful awareness. Um, I’ve, I’ve been sitting and ready to go to bed and just kind of in that quiet, meditative place and felt, go check the center.
I [01:02:00] hadn’t checked the center today. And I look and there’s a message. And reading that message today, that night before going to bed was really good for me. And when I wrote the reply that came from that place, I heard later another, you know, a day or so later. My, my reply was really good for them.
Mm-hmm.
[01:02:23] Rick: Isn’t that interesting? And that’s where the spiritual aspect, the energetic spiritual intelligence that these points of connection, um. Bring us into more intimate and um, meaningful connections.
[01:02:45] Cathy: Yeah, I think that, I mean, it can start small, but if we’re being authentic and following, I mean, we talked some about the effort involved, like having to face our fears and stuff, but a lot of finding the points of connection is a lot about just like, does this bring you joy?[01:03:00]
Like authentically, like when I first joined the team, there was a forum that Rick had that I think there were like 10,000 posts on there, and I ended up reading all of them because I was just so engaged. I couldn’t have made myself, I couldn’t have pretended to be interested to that level, but I was just, the wisdom that Rick had shared the, the touch, I was really touched by what other people had shared.
I just like. Couldn’t stop. Like I was just really enthralled and that helped build that stability. But if I was trying to pretend it would’ve very fragile point of connection, it wouldn’t have been generally engaged. And one of the things I noticed about, again, this is 18 years, so we’re, you know, we’ve have a, a bigger, um.
We built on it for a while, but it was just so easy at times. Like it was just like, wait, is this possible? Like, I genuinely love the kids. So it wasn’t like it’s a burden to watch them. Like I wanted to play with 'em and Rick and Jim wanted some time alone, so it worked [01:04:00] out great. And we were small tweaks.
I’m like, yeah, if you’re going to, you know, could you let me know like I’m going, how long you’re gonna be gone, approximately so that I can judge. ‘cause I don’t, I’m still learning like the kids’ routine to a certain extent. It made, we made fine tweaks on stuff, but you know, could you not leave this light on in the hallway?
'cause it was shining into Gem’s Room. Oh sure, I can do that. Um, but in general, it was just like. Wait, is this really okay to be having this much fun and have it be this easy? And I had coffee and bacon for me in the morning and the kids would run out and give me a hug and we’d play, you know, they’d invent games for us to play.
And it just felt like we were all kind of in an ecosystem where we were supporting each other. And there were times when everyone was tired and like, oh, we have to like, still deal with stuff. But overall it felt so satisfying and fulfilling to have that experience together where we’re just hanging out together because we want to and helping each other because we care and we want to.
So I just, I think when we [01:05:00] start building, like you said, Rick, the points of interest and sharing what is true for us, we might find other people where it’s really easy to be that for us. Like you’re finding people that it’s just like their nature to be kind and supportive and they’re eager to support someone who has similar beliefs to them and to people tend to wanna support people that are inspiring to them or aligned with their, their belief patterns.
[01:05:26] Rick: Hmm. I feel drawn to acknowledge that I,
if, if the connection is sort of obvious to me. I’m, I’ve got some skill
mm-hmm.
[01:05:43] Rick: Where I’m surrounded by a lot of people and I don’t know where our connections are. Um, I, that’s still overwhelming to me, so I just wanna acknowledge that. Um, I’m still working [01:06:00] on this. It’s one of the reasons why I, we do these workshops.
Cathy and I have this at a really artful level, and there’s, and yet we both also want to continue to have points of connection. How do we do that? And so this will be an ongoing aspect of like, if you’re designing your thriving life, oh, I like, solitude is really sweet for me. I can do so much in solitude.
And then there’s that 5% where, or 10% or whatever that human connection. Around this aspect of my world and this aspect of my world would be really, um, interesting. And what I’ve started doing is, if this is helpful, is like, I would love to, to connect around certain things. And so I’m, I’m, [01:07:00] you know, making a list, checking it twice and, um, starting off slowly by just noticing how the universe brings me people with that quality or that seem to have a vibe of, um, what I’m looking for.
Mm-hmm.
[01:07:29] Rick: Right. And you know, like people are coming to mind, which, you know, like they’re, oh, what about that? What about that? Like, and that’s. Um,
one of the things that you reminded me of for years was like, I, I can have a movie friend.
Mm-hmm.
[01:07:53] Rick: Right? Yeah. Like my, my tendency is I want a, a best friend [01:08:00] and Cathy’s my, my best friend.
A lot of these other,
[01:08:03] Rick: other, other subsid uh, other aspects that I would like, like I would love to have, um, another dad whose daughter loves to climb, and we can do some climbing adventures with our daughters if they’re close and they get along.
And as I just touch on that, like, that would be fun, especially if the other dad has like climbing jeans. Like, like he know, like, I. Gem was, uh, I climbed as a kid, but I haven’t climbed very much. Um, so somebody that, that really could be more the lead. Yeah. Um, in terms of experience, but I could facilitate the process too.
Um, that would be cool. And as I, I start feeling into that, there’s, there’s just hints, little bits of [01:09:00] possibility, and that’s what we touched on. Mm-hmm. Part of this is what is, what is my emotional, energetic state. If I’m opening up to possibilities without, like, I need this, that’s more for survival, I can go there too.
But if I pause like, oh, wouldn’t it be sweet? Oh, that would be great for me and Aira and the other family. That would be interesting. Um.
[01:09:36] Cathy: And I love the fact that, I mean, you have a dira. She loves to climb. And if you’re following something you’re naturally interested in, you’re gonna be around other people that are doing this.
And then we can create little moments of thriving, Co-Thriving with people like, Hey, I love how you are with your daughter. Hey, do you want, it looks like you forgot your rope. Do you need or what? I don’t know what they’re doing, but, um, I’m afraid of heights so I’m not climbing with them. Um, [01:10:00] but there’s little, we can get little.
Um, hors d’oeuvres as we’re going along with little, little connections and moments of feeling, Hey, that was really nice. And then maybe we keep running into a few of the same people and we can say, Hey, do you wanna intentionally meet up sometime? Like, I really love, I’ve enjoyed hanging out while the kids are climbing.
We’re gonna be here next week at 10:00 AM Would that, you know, would you like to meet up? Like, we can start making small invitations and ca we don’t have to. Like, we’re gonna be best friends forever. And the person runs away like, oh, I don’t know what this person wants. Um, but I do like the idea of getting little bits of fulfillment and Co-Thriving.
Like, it doesn’t have to be like, we’re gonna be best friends forever. It’s like, Hey, I really appreciate that about you. Or, Hey, you see your kid looks hungry. Do they want the snack pack? Um, and seeing what’s offered back
mm-hmm.
[01:10:51] Cathy: Just kind of open that door.
[01:10:56] Rick: Anything else you all would like us to touch on tonight? Um, [01:11:00] feel free to drop that in the chat. We have, uh, about 11 minutes in our scheduled time, but we can always end early. That’s part of the freedom. Um, and
[01:11:10] Cathy: with whatever we do, I just wanna appreciate you because if you’re here, you just invested time that you know, all of us time is precious and you focus is precious and you brought yourself here and tuned into something that you wanna create.
Maybe you heard some ideas, maybe you, some you may not like, some you may like, um, and you’re here with other people. Your nervous system is getting an experience of people kind of collaborating on something and having common interest and exploring. So I just, I think that alone is a beautiful way to start.
If you can just, I often, I. Tend to not appreciate myself for what I’m doing when I’m doing the work. You’re here doing the work, like you’ve already started building something and exploring something, and I think that’s really lovely. Our world needs so much more of that right now. Mm. [01:12:00] So if you can, I like to remind myself and others to like, Hey, this is already a step, and this is more than a lot of people would do in a lifetime.
I got a couple. Do you wanna answer the F1 of them? Or,
[01:12:17] Rick: um, are there ways to create a bit more Co-Thriving, even in dysfunctional workplaces or families? Um,
my, my default is to say yes, and it probably looks something different than I might guess. So for example. Um,
uh, we are here as a part of a community that values emotional freedom, emotional intelligence. When I walk anywhere in the world, you all walk with [01:13:00] me. If I walk into a dysfunctional workplace or, uh, a family situation or something like that, and I’m bringing some reg, some self-regulation, if I’m co-regulating with people that are also devoted to being more regulated, more emotionally savvy, um, I am Co-Thriving even if I’m not with the six other people that are around the Thanksgiving dinner table, right?
Yeah. Am I bringing more Co-Thriving? Yes. If I’m bringing my kin with me into family situations, I am. Go ahead. Oh, I just, I think there, there always
[01:13:46] Cathy: there, like at my workplace, there’s some people that IW don’t wanna hang out with, but there’s, I, I’ve built relationships with a few people and we definitely cohr and we don’t see each other all the off all that often, but we like make it like, let’s [01:14:00] have drinks after work next week or whatever.
So I think there’s ways to car carve out niches in dysfunctional places. And
[01:14:07] Rick: there’s also, why do you pick out those people?
[01:14:10] Cathy: Um, I think it’s a camera. What are some
[01:14:11] Rick: of the clues?
[01:14:13] Cathy: Well, I think just the conversation. You just like, hello and they respond warmly. Or like, there’s, like, again, we’re just throwing out little signals and seeing what bounces back.
Kind of like a, a dolphin, like with sonar it’s like, oh, I really like that shirt. Oh. They, they’re, they’re, they appreciate it. You can see it lands, they’re letting it in. It’s not, oh, what do you want? Kind of feeling. And it takes some time, like especially in dysfunctional situations, it can take more time to build up the relationships and kind of test them.
But generally like, Hey, do you wanna grab lunch today? Oh, I, you know, I see that you, you forgot, uh, your staplers out here. Here’s my, you know, use mine. There’s just little offers to open it. And I think there’s also topics. So my family is. Got its issues, but there’s certain topics like going [01:15:00] antiquing or rock going for look at rocks or crystals.
Those topics worked well. So I, you know, I think Rick and I are lucky. We can
talk about
[01:15:09] Cathy: pretty much anything, but we can, in other areas, we can narrow down to a topic or individuals that we can kind of, you know, build a relationship with and then there are ways we can have that. So, um, yeah. Mm-hmm. There’s definitely ways to do, I, I think we can find ways to cohr.
It’s just how much can we dial? Like some people are capable of more, uh, volume. Like we can turn it up and keep growing it. And some people may say, oh, this person’s a tube. I am out of 10, but I can still cohr with them enough at work to get, it helps me get through my day. Or This person’s a seven out of 10.
How did they, how come they’re working right next to me? Um. But it, it kind of blends with the next question. It’s like, how do I build the muscle of finding what I need and want and desire? And that’s like, [01:16:00] part of it is testing and trying. So I don’t think we always know what we need to cohr with in given situation.
I think listening to ourselves and just trying out different things. When I first started therapy, I didn’t have I’d so learned to suppress what I wanted to comply with other people. My therapist at the times was like, how do you like your eggs? And I’m like. I eat them. However, the person I’m with orders them like, or however they give them to me or however they ask me to cook them.
Like, and they’re like, okay, well I want you to go out and try for the next week. You are going to try eggs each day slightly different. I want you to try them scrambled and omelet and, and see what you actually like. Um, and it’s somewhat uncomfortable. A lot of people that have trauma, they learned to suppress their desires because they have not gotten what they needed or wanted in, in key situations.
Um, so there’s a risk. Our nervous system’s like, no, I don’t want to notice what I want because then I won’t have it and [01:17:00] I’ll be devastated. And that was so accurate and true when we were little, but maybe not so true now. Um, so picking something small like eggs, that was a perfect example for me. 'cause I like eggs.
I pretty much like them other ways, but I’m like, I love them poached. I don’t get them poached very often 'cause the pain in the butt. But I didn’t know I love them poached. So you. Um, and again, just noticing what you like, um, and practicing with little baby steps. Um, if you, and just, I think part of it is discernment, watching ourselves, I do a lot of meditation now and that’s really helped me notice my thoughts.
Like, oh, I’m trying to lean in, like, what do the kids need? Okay, but what do I need too? We both get to have our needs met there too. So, I don’t know. What are your thoughts on that, Ray?
[01:17:47] Rick: Well, you touched on it. It’s, it’s,
when we were preparing, we talked about me mine, yours and ours. Mm-hmm. [01:18:00] And your, your exploration of eggs was to discover like, well, how do I like eggs? Okay. Mm-hmm. Um, I like eggs scrambled.
[01:18:13] Cathy: You make great scrambled eggs.
[01:18:16] Rick: Um.
[01:18:18] Cathy: They’re not too dry or runny.
[01:18:20] Rick: My partner does not eat chicken eggs makes her sick.
So there’s no we where we can, I’m gonna make eggs and she’s gonna enjoy them, right? Yeah. Um, I, so thinking of that, like, oh, what’s, what’s mine? What’s theirs? What’s, is there an hours here? Right? So one of the things I do to bring into my cooking with the family is I know what I like. I know I need to cook food.
That, that serves me. I know that other people’s, um, needs [01:19:00] are different and they vary. And while it is a lot harder, I feel more like we’re Co-Thriving if I leave open to meeting other people’s needs as well. As long as I feel like I’m a part of the circle, if you imagine. You know, a, a a a table, a circular table.
It’s different to be the chef in the other room. It’s different to be the waiter who’s not gonna sit down and share the meal they’re there to serve. And I get it in marriages and in other things. A lot of times we’re cast in the role of being the, the chef, the bottle washer. The one who scrubs the, the toilets, um, and our needs in, you know, in the restaurant, I am really not there to know what the emotional needs of the chef are unless he’s my best buddy.
I, uh, I want him to make good [01:20:00] food. Right? And, and, and I believe that this is part of changing it. And so if you think of a circle, um, and my AI that I call Gus gave me this, said, well what if when you transition from being the preparer to being the receiver, from the, from the you that cook the meal, you’re one of the people that is receiving this food.
And that transition into my place in the circle to enjoy the meal changed is, is starting to change my energy. And when you feel like, oh. Yeah, maybe some people really have an attitude of, I don’t matter. They, they don’t want to track it. It takes energy to track someone else to be adaptable, to ask them what they need.
Um, but we can communicate, well, it would be really sweet for me if someone else could do the, the dishes tonight, or [01:21:00] it would be really sweet if, um, uh, I could hear some appreciation. I did that my, my, my daughter’s having a hard eating time. Uh, I went through that at her age too. Um, and the other two people in the, the, the table, it’s not quite a circle, but the energy is, um, they’ve started really when the food is really spot on, they make a point of saying, this is really tasty.
You know, even as my daughter’s like, right, and not always, sometimes she’s gobbling it up, but. They, they know that in the Co-Thriving of me being the family simpleton chef, giving some appreciation. Now, I don’t know if an 11-year-old would do that, um, as consistently as he’s showing up to do that if I hadn’t been explicit about [01:22:00] like, it’s, it’s, it’s, I said it’s really hard to not get appreciation and it really feels so much better if I feel like at least one person at the table really enjoys it besides me, right?
Yeah. Like I tend to make food that I enjoy to do. You see how that we can start taking things that are either dysfunctional or challenging or hard not, they’re just like normal things. Um, and upgrading them by bringing some intentional Co-Thriving language requests and the like, so,
[01:22:36] Cathy: yeah. We hope this was useful.
You’re amazing for being here, and we love that you were curious about this and maybe it’ll help you thrive and cohr in small and large ways in your lives.
[01:22:49] Rick: Mm-hmm. All right, folks. Thank you so much. We’ve got two, uh, workshops planned in August. Yeah. One will be about yearning [01:23:00] and how uncomfortable yearning could be, and another one will be tolerating joy.
So last two Sundays in August, uh, I believe that’s when we’ll be, we’ll be sending out the schedule. Uh, if you’d like a Co-Thriving community, we have the circle thriving now.com/circle. You’re always welcome to check that out if it’s a yes , to join more of our , engagements. So thanks.
Co‑thriving is an ecosystem we design together—moment by moment, choice by choice—so each of us, and the spaces between us, can flourish.
We don’t stumble into co‑thriving by accident; we cultivate it by revealing what truly matters to us. Whenever we share a spark of enthusiasm, a tender hope, or even a half‑formed curiosity, we lay down another bridge between our hearts.
(Use this round whenever you feel the wobble between hiding and honest connection.)
Every thriving ecosystem needs repair and recalibration. We risk the ask, we listen, we tweak. No one has to be perfect; we just have to stay reachable.
Invitations open the door; agreements keep it propped wide. We clarify what sweetens the space—then choose it on purpose.
We carry each other’s presence into every room—even when we arrive alone. Every sincere acknowledgment, every “Yes, I see you,” weaves a stronger fabric of belonging that travels with us.
Keep experimenting. Keep risking authentic asks. Keep noticing the glimmers. We’ll be here, dancing hearts and minds with you every step of the way.
Replay is below
