Finding Essential Comforts: Old Favorites and New Possibilities

 Real Skills Workshop - Community Event

RS 2021-11-14 Comforts-1200x630

Finding Essential Comforts: Old Favorites and New Possibilities

Real Skills Workshop: Be Calm and Confident

Hosts: Rick Wilkes (@Rick) and Cathy Vartuli (@Cathy)

Recorded - Sun Nov 21, 2021

:point_right: Replay is below


Registration now open! We hope you’l join us!


Let me just take a moment on this windy, chilly day and warm myself before the fire of Essential Comforts, Old Favo(u)rites and New Possibilities…ahhhhhhhhhhh.

Comfort… with Guilt Sauce on Top

Food is comforting. Indeed, after eating a delicious meal, we’re biologically designed to rest and digest. And wow, we have heaped a slathering of guilt sauce on top of food that gives us comfort!

When our body is healing, it is beneficial to rest when our body asks for it. Can’t tell you how many THOUSANDS of clients have felt guilty (!!!) for giving their bodies rest to heal. It’s… tragic. For them, guilt becomes like resting on cold rocks – which our ancestors figured out wasn’t great for us eons ago!

Comfort is essential to thriving. I see that with Adira. She’ll explore and stretch and try try try to walk and reach and… all the things. Then, she’ll need comfort. To be picked up, held, allowed to relax into comforting presence.

In this next Real Skills Workshop on Sunday, Cathy and I intend to support us all in feeling the comfort and clear the guilt. We’d delight in sharing amongst us all ideas for essential comforts, too, so we can all expand our menu, too.

:point_right: Replay is below

Here’s to yummy comforts without the guilt sauce…

P.S. Adira says, “I wasn’t feeling well and slept in Da-Da’s arms for an hour… so glad neither of us was dripping with cold icky guilt sauce… just a little bit of runny nose.”


“Guilt is society’s voice speaking in your head” - @naval

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Finding Essential Comforts: Old Favorites and New Possibilities - Workshop Session Recording

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Finding Essential Comforts
[00:00:00] Finding essential comforts, old favorites and new possibilities. I’m Rick from thriving now on today. I’m co-facilitating with Kathy from the intimacy dojo and thriving now. Hi, Kathy, how are you doing? Ah, well, I needed comfort today. Uh, yeah, baby crying. Um, so I’m, I’m looking forward to this subject because, um, you know, a lot of the work around emotional energy and comfort has to do with comfort foods, a shame, um, uh, you know, all of those things deserving.
[00:00:54] Do I deserve comfort? Um, the core of safety, my hope is my intention is that we’re going to put comforts in a slightly different concept that we’re going to look at comfort as an essential aspect of being an animal and being human. And that comforts offer a doorway to something, something very essential.
[00:01:22] And, um, so. Welcome. If you’re here live, thank you so much for being, uh, someone who is showing up on this day to be with us. If you’re watching the recording. Thank you for caring enough about the energy of comfort, especially comfort and community supporting one another. And the idea that, um, oh, you mean comfort is essential.
[00:01:50] Um, I appreciate that you have taken us up on our invitation to join the circle. Um, while we’re on zoom, it looks like we’re ladies little squares. Hi everyone. Um, for our energetic, I’d like us to just take a moment and imagine that our group is sitting in a circle. People are finding the chair or the floor or the standing or the moving, whatever it is.
[00:02:17] That is the right. Comfort comfortable place for you right now. And the reason we choose a circle is that the circle can expand and contract to maintain its integrity. Um, that everyone has a place that even though Kathy and I are facilitating today, and we’ve done a lot of thinking and preparation, we’re going to be sharing that there’s this, there is a chat available.
[00:02:42] Um, we welcome your wisdom, your insights, your questions at any time. Um, if you’re watching the replay, um, there’s a comment section or reply section, and we invite the same thing from you to pause and, um, share, because that’s what this is about as we develop these real skills. So I love the idea of comfort and I love definitions.
[00:03:08] So can I read the definition really quickly? So to comfort is to soothe in a time of affliction. Or to ease physically to relieve. And I think that often in our society, there’s this idea that, um, we’re either kind of new, I think often we’re like, oh, things are bad. Or we’re in this high exalted, very high state or very energized.
[00:03:32] And I don’t know that that’s actually good for humans to have, like we’re either in the dumps or we’re the gas pedals all the way to the floor and we’re rubbing full speed. I think our systems actually need time. It’s actually the community to recover. We need to rest and digest and comfort is the way that we allow that that’s the quieter.
[00:03:54] It’s not, you know, comfort, isn’t rock rockets, blaring, and no words winning and necessarily, and lots of loud noises. My neighbor is blowing the leaves. So sorry about the background noise, but I think the comfort, the quiet where we let ourselves into the moment. We’re not high on adrenaline. That’s what’s often the things that make life worth living.
[00:04:17] They give us the gas to keep taking the steps forward. And when we get deprived of that, life can feel very, very flat and dull. And yet for many of us, we’ve never been taught the skills to kind of sink into the comfort and to allow the depth of the experiences that are there. We’re kind of, I noticed myself up and just kind of skimming across the surface.
[00:04:39] I’ve done something to comfort myself. I got a warm blanket, but I’m kind of like, yeah, yeah, I’m warm. What am I going to do next? Can I really be with this moment? Wow. I got up and did this thing for me and my feet were called and my legs were kind of feeling a little stiff and I have this lovely warmth sinking in.
[00:04:56] And the, and I actually do have an electric blanket that I keep near my desk because when I sit a lot, I get called. So like it’s soft. I can like pet it and I can turn it on and off. And can I really just be with the moment of that and let it into my cells and let myself nourished by this experience.
[00:05:14] And I think we’re just as a society, we’re not taught these skills. In fact, we’re taught the opposite. You strive really hard to get to a place where we can have a reward, but then as soon as we hit the reward, we’re like, did I do enough? Do I deserve this? What should I do next? Like scrambling ever. Rick was using the example before we talk.
[00:05:34] Like if you had to do sit ups all the time and you could never stop, that’s kind of how we run our lives. We’re not letting ourselves going. Okay. That was great that I did it. The sit ups, my abs feel nice. And now can I really just enjoy this like moment of the soft blanket or a sip of cool water or the fact that I see smiling, loving faces near me?
[00:05:54] Can I let that into my beam? Can we let it myself slow down enough to nourish myself and my life? Yeah. Thank you. Um, so I’m going to make an assertion assertion isn’t necessarily the way it is or the way it is for everyone, but here’s, here’s my assertion that, um, and could you mute Kathy that noise outside is, and maybe check your audio settings to see if your noise cancellation is up high enough.
[00:06:31] Um,
[00:06:35] so. We know, as Kathy mentioned, biologically, we operated in, in two primary modes, um, sympathetic and parasympathetic. The parasympathetic is the downshifted rest and digest. It’s an opportunity for our body to consolidate reconfigure, unwind, replenish, um, you know, things out. And as I, I watch a lot of animal, um, shows on Disney plus and Netflix and the like, and, and one of the things I’ve noticed is that even after an unsuccessful hunt, an animal will do something to bring some comfort to their body.
[00:07:24] Maybe they’ll climb up in a tree and just kind of hang there. They’re not fed. They failed once again. And, um, but they do something. And if you watch what happens to their body, when they go into that place of comfort, they shift modes. They’ve gone from hunter to the animal that is not needing to hunt right now.
[00:07:52] They’re not trying a part of their brain is probably aware that if a little tasty, morsel walks right underneath of them, but for the most part they’re, they’re giving themselves what’s called downregulation. So upregulation you give yourself more energy downregulation, which we’ve often talked about as grounding grounding is one way, but discomfort, something that takes us and gives us something that feels to our body and mind like, oh, this is more comfortable than where I was a moment ago.
[00:08:27] That that is a portal through which we can. We can, but many times we interrupt it, but we can pass through to change our state of being. We can go from actively pursuing something through the portal of some comfort
[00:08:48] to, okay. I’ve just shifted my state of being, maybe I’m more present, maybe I’m blessed present. And I’m more like, okay, I’m checking out and letting everything, all the sensors that were tracking things just kind of go. But that’s my assertion is that if you have things that, um, that bring you comfort, that those are that we all need them.
[00:09:17] I believe as animals and humans, um, we need them there. And that they offer, offer an opportunity to change our state of being to one that’s what you would consider like rest and digest, unwind. Okay. So that’s the assertion and, um, yeah. Um, I’m drawn to ask in the chat with that in mind. Are there, is there some thing that you do or, or, or pause from doing or something that you eat or listen, any of the senses, something you look at, something you hear, something is, smell something, you taste something, touch something.
[00:10:03] What, what are your essential comforts? What are the things that. It’s it’s daily, weekly, at least once a month, that it’s an essential comfort. Uh, we already have, um, you know, a blanket, even one that’s shaped like a pepperoni pizza, warm, delicious, and pizza is a lifelong favorite food. So having a blanket that combines that warm and yeah, that would,
[00:10:36] yeah. Anyone else want to tap something into the chat?
[00:10:43] Uh, Brita blanket, um, is my sound better? Yeah. Um, it’s a little quiet. Um, Hmm. Well, if it’s not better, I can switch different, um, great burger Mon uh, bergamot, uh, essential oil, hot cup of rivals T. Yeah, it’s nice. When there’s things we can, we can give to ourselves, go to mashed potatoes, watching videos, meditations.
[00:11:23] Yeah. I love a grilled cheese sandwich when I’m feeling really stressed, I guess the warmth. And it reminds me of being a little. Um, and I used to watch Goldie Hawn in overboard. When I get really stressed, I’d pull out that video, the new one isn’t bad, but Goldie Hawn was, that was a really good, and it’s almost said it’s pretty hard for me to comfort myself.
[00:11:41] Um, without outing you. Um, I think you mentioned in another workshop cereal, um, like, and we’ll talk about having, we’re going to talk some about how we don’t sink into comfort and some things that might help with that. Oh, this is, this is a dark chocolate covered peanut butter cup.
[00:12:05] As someone shared petting a cat tea bath, hiding into the covers in the bed. Uh, someone said, I love fucking, if I can live cereal, I do too. There’s something very comforting. It’s like Saturday mornings I would get up and we put on the cartoons and we’re like, sit there with a big bowl of cereal. There’s something angry.
[00:12:25] Um, how water bottle, bath, cat, purrs, journaling, mashed potatoes. Um, that feeling after hard exercise, when your muscles are fuzzy and tight. And that’s an example where we’re, when we exercise we’re up-regulating and then that feeling of the comfort feeling of the fuzzy and tired when we let it that’s that sick.
[00:12:55] Oh, it was a hunt, uh, or it was, uh, it was vigorous and now I’m letting myself, my body do its natural thing, which is to allow itself, to feel kind of fuzzy, tired. Uh, and you’ve had several requests to teleport chocolate to people I’m listening to Tara branch podcast. Yeah. It’s funny how you get voices like that for, uh, Rick has a recording on spiritual healing that I got that it’s 40, 50 minutes.
[00:13:26] I would listen to that. I mean, I must’ve listened to it a hundred times and just hearing his. I’d be like, okay, it’s I’m safe. So, yeah, it’s great. When we, and one of the nice things we can do is when we re-experience comfort from something over and over, we’re actually creating neuropathways to allow that.
[00:13:46] So we’re training ourselves. We can train ourselves good, or we can train ourselves bad. And I know Rick has some really cool things to say about this, but what are we anchoring when we comforting? If every time I sit at my desk and I put on this blanket instead of like going, oh, isn’t that nice that I did that to myself.
[00:14:02] I’m like, I should work really hard. Now. I might allow myself to get a little comfort from that blanket, but then I’m immediately going into like, produce, produce stress. So the neural pathway, isn’t cutting very deeply. It’s not like, ah, I can S I can just, you know, I’m really letting myself sink into it even for a minute or two, before I go into the next thing.
[00:14:25] Do you want to do some tapping on that? I do. And I just want to amplify and kind of add to what you just said. So there’s a, there’s a difference in, in, in getting comfortable as a state of being like, are you comfortable or uncomfortable? That’s sort of binary. Well, we’re talking about, here are our things comforts and actions that allow you to switch states and, um, change your state of being that does not necessarily mean that you don’t have pain.
[00:15:07] So, um, and I think I’ll give an example to that later. I’d like to do, um, I’d love to do a tapping here. On opening up some curiosity around these things that we’ve shared. Like, what if I, what if I consciously was aware that when, when I’m doing these comforts, when these comforts are active or here, that it’s designed to help me shift gears shift states of being, and I allowed that to happen and, and used it as a, as a tool, as a skill, like I’m skillfully using these comforts to calm my body into another state of being okay.
[00:15:58] Even though a part of me resists being comfortable, even though part of me resist being comfortable, there is so much to do. There is so much to do always.
[00:16:14] And using comfort hasn’t been well modeled for and how using cover. It has not been well modeled for me, especially by myself. Sometimes, especially when myself, sometimes I’m starting to get curious, I’m starting to get curious. What would it be like? What would it be like if I allowed these comforts to really change my state, if I allowed these comforts to really change my state, welcome the head.
[00:16:45] What of comforts are to change my state? What if comfort starts to change my. Eyebrow to send a signal to my body and mind to send a signal to my body and mind. It’s okay to change states. It’s okay to change states under the eye, whatever you need, whatever you need.
[00:17:07] If you need a yawn, it’s okay. If you need a yawn, it’s okay. If you need a yacht, it’s okay. If you need a nap, it’s okay. If you need a nap, it’s okay. If you need a meditation, it’s okay. If we need a meditation, that’s okay. If you need to rest your muscles, it’s okay. If you need to rest your muscles, that’s okay.
[00:17:29] If you need to wind down that amazing mind. It’s okay. She needs to wind down that amazing way. That’s okay. Comforts are a portal. Comforts are a portal.
[00:17:43] Can I piggyback on you, Rick, because I think that sometimes our survival brain is so used to being on and again, our society is caffeinated. Keep going, push, push, push our survival brain. Doesn’t have a lot of practice. The muscle to relaxing is not strong. And so when we tap, we invite it to relax. It’s like, oh, I’m not sure.
[00:18:04] That’s okay. So just like to do a little tapping for the survival brain, if that’s okay. Karate chop. Hey, survival brain. Hey survival brain. Thanks for being on so much. Thanks for being on so much. Will you take care of a lot? Take care of a lot. And I know no that media helps you be aware of a lot of threats.
[00:18:28] Media helps. My primitive brain be aware of so many threats are right here and right now, but right here, and right now it’s okay to relax. It’s okay to relax top of the head. Let’s just notice comfort for a moment. Let’s just notice comfort for a moment. I wrote what feels nice to our skin and what feels nice to our skin side of the eye.
[00:18:54] What feels nice to our eyes feels nice to our eyes under the eyes or something nice in our mouth. Is there something nice in our mouth and then the nose or things that are helping our muscles feel comfortable? Are there things helping muscles feel comfortable? Chin smells that feel tasty, smells that feel tasty collarbone or sounds that are arriving that feel nice to our head needs.
[00:19:23] Fellows that arise arriving, feel good to our ears and then the arm it’s okay to really notice those feelings right now. It’s okay to really notice those feelings right now, top of the head. It’s okay to relax and enjoy this comfort. It’s okay to relax and enjoy this comfort.
[00:19:48] Now, please feel free to share what came up for you. It helps a cafe and I to tune to what’s alive. I’ll say that for me. Um, and this is one of the things I love about tapping, and if you’re new to tapping, um, thriving is a place you can get a free guide. We’re not teaching tapping today, but you can repeat the words and follow the points that we’re using best you can.
[00:20:13] Um, I’m in the middle of facilitating a workshop. Relaxes, not the downshift that I’m looking for. So like, in my mind, when you said relax, it would feel like, oh, that’s too far of a down. That’s like really downshifting, but I could be like, oh, it’s okay to downshift my body’s tension. Oh, it’s okay to relax.
[00:20:40] Uh, you know, to rely, relax. Hey, see, I just downshifted. And now I can say relax again. Um, so this is it. Maybe it’s just too subtle, but I believe, I believe in my, in, in my, um, experience over the last few weeks, since I, since we put this event on the calendar, is that if I’m using a comfort, like right now, Kathy just took a sip.
[00:21:09] If you have a sip, you’re invited.
[00:21:20] Now I let that water comfort comforted the dryness in my mouth,
[00:21:33] and I feel deeper than I did right before the water. Now I perhaps could call that more relaxed. There’s certainly less tension, but I feel. I, I deepened into a kind of presence, which was, is definitely a downshifted feel. I feel both softer and more, more present. Um, so I’m sharing this as, as we’re we’re having it and yeah.
[00:22:11] Um, people going to sneer at anything. I get it. A lot of us were conditioned deeply by people who were fucked up. I mean, like as, as, as inspirations for all kinds of, uh, of confusion and lack of safety, that that was, you know, the childhood I, and this is part of why these are real skills. They can be taught, they can be practiced.
[00:22:49] And if you’re trying to go from, from feeling whatever level of vigilance you have down to a place of like chill, relax, that’s a bridge often way too far. But if we’re, if our mouth is feeling dry and we take a sip,
[00:23:15] And we’re aware that that was a comfort. I believe that that sensation of downregulation is what a lot of us who’ve done the work and gotten there. We would call safety like, oh, I feel more safe. It’s actually a less vigilant. And that’s again, part of why we’re, we’re using comforts as a, as a tool. Um, not as a hammer, but as an, as a portal through which we can, we can get to a place where it’s okay to have this comfort.
[00:23:50] It’s okay to have this comfort. Some of the things I’m hearing from the chat, I think are really important to talk about because, um, just some of them shared that like, Sometimes the comfort was delivered. It wasn’t very sincere. And also that they might be fighting themselves and they’re feeling angry at themselves having those fears or those angers there, their legitimate feelings, and trying to pretend ourselves into comfort is just as phony as a parent.
[00:24:20] That’s like, they’re there. It’s going to be fine. Um, so I think that one of the things I noticed when I’ve been very, um, I’ve been going through a lot this last couple of years with the things that add a lot of stress to my life. And I noticed when I want to get to comfort, I have to go through a layer of anxiety or stress or guilt or shame to get there.
[00:24:40] I’ve piled it on or society’s piled it on. And if I can be with the feelings that are in the way I can get to comfort, but if I try to jump to comfort, there’s, I’m just bouncing off and I’m getting very frustrated. Um, but being mean with those feelings on the surface or can be very hard to be with them sometimes.
[00:25:01] Um, and if we can just be one thing I’ve found that for myself is if I can narrow it down, I’m going to be with it just for a short period of time. Like just for the next few seconds, I’m going to be with his anger or this fear or this sense of insincerity. Or sometimes I’ll just do it with a portion of my body.
[00:25:21] Like I’m going to let my pinky feel this. Um, it breaks it down and it doesn’t, it makes it easier to digest. I watch people that get very anxious and they’re not here. And now they’re anxious about the whole world. They’re anxious about what’s happening in China and Africa. And like, like, yes, it’s great to be aware.
[00:25:41] It’s great to take action, but there’s nothing we can do. Right? The second about that and comforting or allowing ourselves to renew, it gives us more energy. So if we can come here and now just to the most. And, um, feel or feeling, I don’t know if you want to, um, Rick, do we want to do actual tapping? I think doing some anger, some tapping on anger at the, at the survival brain and also an insincerity or uncomfort would be really good.
[00:26:09] Should we ask if those people want to step forward or do you, or do you want to just have a, yeah. If, if, if you, if one of those things are your topic and you’d like to do tapping, um, feel free to raise your hand, it’s under reactions or under dot, dot dot. If you’re on a phone or pad, um,
[00:26:34] go ahead. Copy.
[00:26:39] Which Sarah, why not
[00:26:43] stepping forward? This is hard work and it, part of it is by being real and sharing. I think there’s something incredibly healing about that. Um, to, to stick, to speak up and say, this is true for me. There is something that heals and I just, I appreciate your courage. Thank you. So, um, I don’t want to share anything.
[00:27:07] Um, can you just summarize a little bit, I don’t, I want to make sure that you keep what’s in the chat is kept confidential. I mean, if you shared any of that, it’d be fine. But I mean, to me, like a lot of times, if something, things just feel phony to me, I mean, my father fake cried for attention, and if he actually gave me any attention and any kind of, any kind of pseudo comfort, he would do it in this really weird voice, like, oh, that’s too bad.
[00:27:36] I feel so bad for you. Like that kind of where you’re just like, you’re totally full of shit. Like you just know, even when you’re eight or whatever. So it was like any comfort that I got offered was filming. Okay. And so, so when other, like I put in there, like Tara Brock, it’s like, I know she’s really kind, and she has a soothing voice, but I listened to her and I go, eh, you’re just full of shit, even though I know she’s not, I know she’s not, but I just, I hear that.
[00:28:05] And I’m like, I just don’t like it. If one of you guys talked to me like that, I would, I could accept it. Cause I know you and I know you well enough to know that you’re not going to be asking me, but I tend to look for comfort from people. And if I’m giving it to myself, then it feels like, um, it’s some kind of somehow subpar.
[00:28:26] Yeah. Well, part of it is we’re not socialized as it is an entity. Like our society doesn’t teach us to accept self care as a real thing. But also I think that we’re S we’re social beings. We really do want care from outside. It’s very soothing to a survivor. But since you had that conditioning where it’s fake and I think probably most of us, I don’t know if people want to raise her iPad, definitely had situations where people I could tell it wasn’t real.
[00:28:52] And it feels awful. When you think of your dad saying that to you, giving you fake comfort, what, what do you feel in your body? Kind of nausea. Okay. And what, what thoughts do you have? And you’re, you’re an asshole. It was just like, I mean, it would sort of make me dissociate because you actually want comfort, but then what somebody’s offering you is completely, I mean, he actually very quick story broke down at a funeral of someone he didn’t know to get attention for himself.
[00:29:29] Like just did this. That’s how he would cry. So that’s what I grew up with that kind of. Where you’re just like, oh, you’re full of crap. And then even when somebody’s sincere, it’s like, are you sure you’re sincere? You’re like, are you just, yeah. Can we try to get some tap on this? Having karate chop, yo dad, dad.
[00:29:55] You’re an asshole. You’re a dead asshole. And I hated the comfort you gave me. I hated the fake comfort you gave me. I could tell it wasn’t aligned. Well, it wasn’t aligned, aligned. I could tell it wasn’t real. It wasn’t real. It’s like I was hungry. I was starving and he gave me plastic pizza gave me plastic pizza.
[00:30:17] My body doesn’t know what to do with this body does not know what to do with this. Sorry. Reject all comfort. So I reject not all, but a lot of, unless I have thoroughly vetted it, I will reject it. I’d like to be less particular about hive that might come from. Like to be less particular about how I bet my comfort.
[00:30:39] I kind of assume people are like you until I know better. I never assume people are like you until I know better. And most people aren’t quite as broken as you are. Dad. Very few people are as messed up as you were, you are starving in some way or another definitely starving in some way or another I’m in the nose, but it came out really strange.
[00:31:01] Yeah, sure. It came out sideways chin and I didn’t get the comfort I really needed. I did not get the comfort I needed. I do know the difference between good comfort and bad. Do you know the difference between good comfort and bad? And my survival brings afraid to let some of that comfort in I survival brains afraid to let that comfort in and let the suspicion go.
[00:31:26] What would happen if I let this suspicion go? What would happen if I let the suspicion go? And when does your brain answer?
[00:31:37] It just feels kind of not safe, even though I feel like I wouldn’t be safe and I feel like there wouldn’t be safe. If I let the suspicion go, I let the suspicion go. What if I took a small bite? If I took a small bite and spit it out, if it wasn’t good, spit it out. If it wasn’t good, my body knows the difference.
[00:31:59] My body knows the difference. If I let it in, let it in. I can tell I put gel and I can just kick it back out and I can just kick it back out. Does that feel true to you? I like my dog. When she’d get a treat, she didn’t like, just spit it out. Just like my dog. That’s like my dog. I bro, I can let some comfort in.
[00:32:21] I can let some comfort in and I can spit it out if it’s the bad kind. And if you give me crap, I’ll spit it out under the eye. Maybe I can allow more comfort. Maybe I can allow more comfort in and I can do it mindfully and with presence and I can do it mindfully and with presence. And I don’t have to do a giant bite to start with you.
[00:32:40] Don’t have to take the whole thing to start with. What if I let some of Terra Brent voice in? I let
[00:32:52] my body says, no thank you. But he says, no, they give top of that. Perfect. That’s perfect. Now I can move on and try some other kinds of comfort. I can try some other kinds of comfort, take a breath and just notice what’s coming up.
[00:33:14] It’s kind of painful. Where are you noticing? It hurts in my chest. What is the, what is the pain? Is it grief? Yeah, there’s a lot of. Probably some anger, but lots of grief where you just feel like I missed all this. Yeah. And I think a lot of us did karate chop, even though I missed out on a lot of comfort that I really needed.
[00:33:39] And I missed out on a lot of comfort I really needed. And I have grief in my heart and I have grief in my heart and some anger too, and some anger too. Why couldn’t they give me the comfort I needed? I couldn’t think, give me the comfort. They didn’t give me the comfort I needed. He did not give me the comfort they needed and I can be here with that feeling.
[00:33:59] I can be here with that feeling and offer myself some comfort and offer myself some comfort. And I can be here with everyone else. I can be here with everyone else. I mean, I’ll comfort each other. We can comfort each other top of the head. A lot of us didn’t get the comfort we needed. A lot of us did not get the comfort we needed and that’s why we’re all here.
[00:34:19] I brought so sad. It’s really sad. Yeah. And I do feel angry if they felt angry under the eye, but I’m in a circle full of people that are really genuine. You have a circle full of people that are really genuine under the nose and very caring and very caring. And I can offer comfort and receive comfort at the same time and offer and receive comfort at the same time collarbone.
[00:34:45] And I can Sue the, all those old wounds over time.
[00:34:51] I did make it through. Top of the head. And I showed up for this workshop showed up for this workshop so I can learn how to do this really well. I can learn how to do this really well. We’ll just take a nice deep breath.
[00:35:09] Yeah. Part of it is just like having somebody acknowledge it. Cause I actually have a lot of shame around needing comfort because if you just get eternally rejected for every little time, you’ll reach out. That’s huge. And it’s just like, oh, I shouldn’t even ask for that. Yeah. Th that shame around wanting comfort, I think.
[00:35:27] Can we do Rick, do we have time to just do a morale run on that? Cause I think that’s really big. I have that too ask I feel, yeah. Where are you feeling that shame in your body when you it’s in my chest? It’s this tightness in my chest. I feel shame needing and wanting comfort. I feel shame needing or wanting or asking for comfort.
[00:35:49] How dare I? Their ideas. They taught me that it was too much work. They taught me it was too much work. And I was a burden that I was a burden that I didn’t deserve it, that I didn’t deserve it. And that it wasn’t safe. And I’m learning something new now. And they’re learning something new now up in the head, all the shame, all this shame I wrote comfort is not for me.
[00:36:14] It is not for me. It’s for other people inside of the eye. I somehow didn’t get in the comfort line. I missed the comfort line when they were handing out comfort under the eye. But what if I can get in that line now? What if the light is still open under the nose? Part of me doubts us a lot. Pardon me? And I can send gentle, loving comfort to that part of me and gentle, loving comfort to that.
[00:36:41] For me, how the bone in the doses that part of me can handle what our dose is that part of me can handle under there. I feel sure. It definitely feels shame helping the head, but it’s probably not my shame. It’s probably not my shame. That’s probably passed down from generations and I can send it back.
[00:36:59] What else? Just dumped it on me and I can send it back to them. Yeah. Just notice what you’re feeling.
[00:37:11] Yeah. It’s really nice to spill, to say all that and not have anybody go. What is she talking about? We have a, what’s wrong with her here in a group that gets here. I think this is layers. Like probably this happens. I can appeal it all off, but I do think even if we can let a little air in an area that’s been sealed off with shame, it starts clearing something, starts happening over time, change the trajectory.
[00:37:38] So I really appreciate you sharing what was coming up. So authentically. Yeah. How are you feeling right now? A little better. Well, I hope more clears as we go through this and
[00:37:57] thank you, Margo.
[00:38:00] Um, you know, thriving now is a pretty advanced group with interpersonal comforts. The comfort that, you know, we, we are born needing, um, and many times we’re deprived of, and not only deprived of comfort, but had chronic unsafe conditions, whatever that means. Um,
[00:38:27] there’s a whole genre of things around self care. And if self care is a challenge or you have a sense of deserving. You know, again, like I believe that tapping was one of the things that was a portal for comfort. These are natural comfort points. Like, you know, if you, if somebody gets a shock, their hand goes here to the collarbone points, don’t go to cover the throat there, you know, cover our eyes.
[00:38:59] We’re touching our eyebrow point. You know, it’s like, oh gosh, what do I, you know, were, were these these points like, oh, I don’t, I don’t know. These are natural comfort points. You know, you put, see the person with their hands under their arm pits. You know, the that’s a closing off, but it also. Most of the time people’s hands land, right on those under the arm points, their natural cover points.
[00:39:29] So whatever is coming up for us, we’re, we’re being with it. You know, that’s the thing, the other part of tapping is we’re being honest about it. We’re sharing as, as Margo reflected, you know, we’re, we’re speaking to it. And ideally in an, like, I would never, I wouldn’t tap into an environment where I was thought I was going to get a lot of, um, like criticism, like, um, it’s why the circle and the container that Kathy and I hold is not for the hat.
[00:40:04] Um, you know, I need, I need to speak of my, my pain, my shame, my beliefs, and have them help. And tapping of these comfort points both internally. And also when I feel other people doing it, it’s like, oh, they’re feeling echoes and waves of what I just shared in their own life, in their empathy with me. And what are they doing?
[00:40:36] Well, they’re bringing comfort to themselves and the circle at the same time, it’s a pretty profound portal for healing because healing is, is not just being able to unwind. Distress healing as an active process, as active as digestion is I believe maybe even more so. Um, and so I just want to, I wanted to, to share that, uh, the connection between the points, the comfort points that we tap on and the group and the interpersonal interrupt, personal, um, dynamic that happens.
[00:41:19] Um, yeah. Did you pick something up, Kathy? Yeah, they talk about the deserving, um, deserving comfort can be really hard to deal with whether we just had never had it modeled as a, as, as children, or we did something that we still feel deeply ashamed of that, you know, maybe someone was hurt inadvertently or someone else.
[00:41:45] Lost their lives or something happened. Something dramatic happens offending me, like, how can we deserve comfort when this is existing in the world? And it can be hard to reconcile that. And I don’t know if this helps or not, but one of the things I’ve been trying to do is learn that I can be with two different things at once.
[00:42:06] And I don’t know if it makes sense, so I can be with the fact that my body gets to need some comfort and care and that something horrible happened. And the more I practice being present with both at the same time, um, it seems, I I’m noticing a stability in my system. Like it doesn’t mean that bad thing didn’t happen.
[00:42:27] It doesn’t mean that I don’t have grief, anger, rage, whatever about that thing happening. It doesn’t have to be all one or the other. It can actually, and often it starts off with the, the, the bad thing it’s like full screen. It’s like edge to edge screen. I can’t find any room for the comfort, but if I just keep trying and practicing with little things, like for 30 seconds, I’m going to breathe for, um, I’m going to just try to notice the softness of this blanket for a moment, the first bite of food I’m going to try to be present with it slowly gives a little bit of space where there’s, where I can be a human being that has needs, and also be present with this huge intense grief or this overwhelming anger or whatever that is.
[00:43:14] I don’t know if that helps. This is when it’s really big like that. Sometimes it helps. I mean, I’m glad that we’re all together and we can support each other walking into something like that. Um, and it does take time. Yeah. I, you know, we humans have some really amazing superpowers compared to a lot of animals.
[00:43:37] Um, I think one of the, one of the things that we do that I don’t sense that animals do in the same way is deprive us of an essential comfort that allows us to heal, heal our grief, heal. Our wound heal our heart, our losses. Um, but humans do. And it’s mentioned in the chat like this thing, this tragedy has happened.
[00:44:01] So I don’t deserve to have comfort. Um,
[00:44:10] even though a part of me is convinced, even though part of me is convinced that I don’t deserve comfort, that I don’t deserve comfort.
[00:44:25] I’m open to the possibility that there’s something really off. I’m open to the possibility that there’s something really often that I don’t deserve air that I don’t deserve. Well, that would kill me. That would kill me. I don’t deserve water and I don’t deserve a letter that would kill me. That would kill me.
[00:44:49] I don’t deserve food. I don’t deserve food. That would kill me slower. Killing me slowly. I don’t deserve comfort. I don’t deserve comfort. What if that’s a long drawn out death? What if that’s a long drawn out death? What if comfort is essential for all animals? What if comfort is essential for all animals?
[00:45:10] For our healing, our healing eyebrow, for our restoration, for restoration, for the energy to grieve for the energy to grieve on the BI. What if comfort is that portal I need? What if comfort is that portal? I don’t deserve comfort. I don’t deserve comfort. Chin. What if there’s something really off with that?
[00:45:37] What if there’s something really off with that alone? I do deserve water. I do deserve water when the arm and comfort is an essential for all animals. However, it is an essential for all animals. Yeah. Maybe I deserve comfort too. Maybe I deserve comfort too. I noticed when you were doing that tapping Rick.
[00:46:06] Um, I had something happened that was pretty tragic in my life and I noticed that I still have processed it a lot, but there’s still times when I’m feeling it intensely or I hold my breath because I don’t want it to have been true. And it’s almost like if I hold my breath, I don’t, I can make it not have happened.
[00:46:25] Um, and I do wonder if we have a lot of grief and sadness and anger about something, if we hold our breath. So to speak around comfort to you, if we can, if we can somehow undo this thing by either holding our breath or with drawing comfort from our, from our system, like, it’s a way of like, no, I will not make that happen.
[00:46:45] I’ll make it not have happened somehow almost. Um, so I just, it was just noticed that as you were going through that, tapping that the tendency to hold their breath and maybe deny comfort as a way of like, not actually being with the feelings that we’re having about the thing that happened. And sometimes that’s a very effective way to get through.
[00:47:04] There are times when we cannot be with all those emotions at once and whenever we have to do to kind of keep them down for a while, it was great. But if we do that for life, Deprive ourselves of comfort and the actual feelings in our body, that’s really, really stressful. So, so we’re going to, um, this is a 90, 90 minute on the clock workshop.
[00:47:29] You’re welcome to of course, to take care of yourself. And if you need to pause here and, and leave, but we’re going to take a seven minute, um, just a little break. Um, we’re going to pause the recording. If you’re listening to the replay, invite you to pause here, take a break. It’s an opportunity for you to, to do some things that might bring you some comfort, um, and allow your state of being to shift a little bit, see who you are and how you feel when you come back.
[00:48:02] Um, see what’s alive for you. Um, after something that brings you some comfort. So I’m going to go ahead and pause the recording. Welcome back.
[00:48:18] Uh, if you’d like to share in the chat, if you did something too, that was a comfort. What state of being change, if any, did you notice
[00:48:33] that state of being changed? Did you notice? So of the two of these little that I have here, um, I won and the state of being change was to really be internal. Like there’s a quality of I’m here with you now through a little dot on my computer screen. So I’m like connecting to the circle through little tiny squares of video.
[00:49:05] Um, And the other twin of this gave me a very internal experience. Um, and also, uh, uh, a little reminder for my own body that they’ve, they’ve come to understand that, um, a healthy heart rate is not one where it’s beep beep beep beep beep beep beep you know, at the same exact rhythm, there is actually the measure of health isn’t heart rate variability.
[00:49:44] And so what my body just reminded me. Is that when we use something, this was a little comfort I’m right in the middle of a journey with my circle, my community, with Kathy, with each of you. Um, but by allowing a comfort in being really with the notion that it’s going to change my state of being it’s a bit like heart rate variability for your whole biosphere biosystem, it allows the chemicals to change the mix, to change the, your posture, your orientation, whatever is needed is in times of variability that we get reconfiguration for optimal, um, rhythm, optimal strength, things like that.
[00:50:41] So that was it. For me, someone ate some chips and drank some water.
[00:50:52] Did you have anything copy that you wanted to share? Um, well, I don’t, I’ve been, I got myself, uh, I love, uh, strawberry courts and I got a little strawberry quartz bracelet and I’ve been letting myself put out, I’ll put it on when I’m dealing with stressful things. And I’m definitely noted. Like, one of the things that wouldn’t make suggested this topic was I like expanding my comfort zones, like comfort, comforting zones, I guess.
[00:51:17] And I think we often have go-to that we’re really used to. So like food growing up was like, eat this cookie, go away kind of thing. Um, so food became a really good comfort for me, but I’m trying to expand. I want to have a lots of different ways. I can comfort myself that are appropriate for my needs. So I liked that.
[00:51:37] I just thought it was fun. Then I went to Etsy and I got this, a little rose quartz bracelet, and I leave it out near where I’m working. And if I notice I’m getting stressed, I just put it on and I allow myself to notice how it feels on my bracelet, my wrist, and just like, I don’t normally wear jewelry, but it’s like, I’m trying to anchor a new comfort thing for me.
[00:51:57] And that’s, it’s been really fun. Um, for me to kind of play with that. I don’t know if that fits in with what you’re asking, but that’s what I’ve been wanting. And someone shared, they picked up a guitar, was playing an arrangement that they’re working on. Ah, Yeah. Like someone shared, it’s a new awareness for me to think of comfort as an intentional way of being present and connected with herself.
[00:52:21] And I think that’s a, I think a lot of times we treat it as a random thing that comes to us or not, it’s kind of like the universe or other people give it to us or don’t, and then notice someone the other day was come from comforting me about something that I didn’t feel like I needed a lot of comfort around and I felt really kind of touched, and it was nice there wasn’t overbearing, but it was like they were giving, they were like really checking with me that I was okay.
[00:52:44] And I felt like, oh, this is really nice. But they were misjudging the amount of comfort I needed. And other times that same person has not given me as much. And it’s kind of like, I would often treat it as their judgment being right in my judgment, being wrong versus what does my body actually need. So they didn’t give me as much comfort as I felt like I needed.
[00:53:04] Or if I was more upset about something, I would feel like I was being dramatic. I didn’t deserve more comfort. Versus there’s a lot of comfort around me. I could call a different friend. I could do things for myself. I could, I think we often are taught to think of comfort, just drifts in and out, and maybe for lucky, or we deserve it.
[00:53:23] It will stick to us, or it will come to us versus, Hey Jean, I’m feeling like the need of comfort. Would you have time to talk today? Like that kind of thing could be very different. You know, we can be intentional and conscious and I think that’s much more powerful than just kind of going. I’m sitting at home alone in my room and hoping someone notices I’m not out there with them, um, and offers some comfort when I need it.
[00:53:47] So, and I tend to that’s me point poking at me, not at anyone else. Um,
[00:53:55] so, uh, the subtitle here was, you know, finding a central comfort’s old favorites and new possibilities. Um, humans have to eat so food as comfort is a. That’s a real easy, easy one. It can often be fraught with all kinds of shames and noise and things. Um, but I’d like us. Uh, and I would like us to consider, um, some new possibilities.
[00:54:30] I think that if I want to fall out of my primitive brain and the habitual patterns that it kicks in. So I, for a lot of us, we go to these old favorites when we’re in a certain state of being and they become, um, what I’ve noticed for a lot of people is that, uh, they becomes a bit. Meaning that the brain is used to I’m stressed and I go do this and it brings me a little comfort, but that allows me to endure the stress.
[00:55:15] It’s more of a, a coping mechanism then what I’m referring to as a central comfort. So one possibility is that we, we go through our senses. Um, so when someone put here and, and, um, of course we can have things that touch many of our different senses, but let’s start with something that you could look at that would bring some comfort.
[00:55:52] And maybe you’re just raising it in your consciousness. Like, oh, when I look at this and I do, it brings me comfort or. It could be something where, um, you’re going to choose this as one of your menu options, your, your new possibilities. So, um, an example might be something on your, on your, in your world that you could look at that that could bring you comfort.
[00:56:29] Um, there’s a, I can’t, I, I’m not going to get up right this moment, but there’s a, um, a little statue of the goddess that Kathy gave me, um, many years ago. Now I see it. Anytime I’m looking at the green thing, it’s right above, um, it’s too far away to touch. I know what it feels like because I have held it and, and, um, it’s smooth and it’s beautifully done.
[00:56:58] It’s got weight to it, but just looking at it more like an outline, cause it’s kind of in the shadows,
[00:57:10] the comfort can come from looking at it and allowing that association to kinship. Like if I’m allowing it to comfort me, I can notice what happens in my body by looking at it intentionally. I think a lot of us feel that when we look at the, when you send out emails with the picture of a deer at the bottom, I know I’m not the only one who scrolls to the bottom to look at the cute picture of a deer and a little caption then goes up and reads the rest of the, like there’s a joy in that.
[00:57:43] So they were allowing that to comfort us and we seek that.
[00:57:51] Maybe if, if you like writing things down, great. If you don’t, um, allow your, your inventory of potential comforts, something that’s in your world, something that you might see on the way to work, um, that could allow you to have some comfort from that. And then hearing, um, some people have talked about medics recorded meditations.
[00:58:19] If those are already on your list, then think about something else that might, um, that you could hear that could bring you some comfort, something that you have some,
[00:58:36] some capacity to activate on your own. Um, some music, um, for me, Something that has functioned this way. As a comfort is just the, a string on my guitar, just pointing that’s way off gate, but, uh, like BA um, and if I less listened to it and I allow that vibration to comfort me, it can help with a transition.
[00:59:15] And that’s part of the state of being is if we use comforts to allow us to change our state, we get more and more skillful, really more and more skillful at changing our state of being as we go from one thing to the next thing, it’s important to know that. We want to have ways to comfort ourselves, but we’re not looking for ways to, um, push down or ignore other feelings.
[00:59:43] So it’s not like we’re not using it as a drug to kind of numb us. Someone shared that data photo that really touched them, but recently that person passed away. So it brings a brief and there is like there’s times when we want to look at that great. We might want to be with it so we can process it through there’s.
[01:00:01] Other times we might want to choose something else as a comfort. Around someone passing away because we don’t, I think when we get to choose to step in, but we know you have the muscles and the support to work through those feelings. That’s when it’s a very healthy comfort versus a kind of addictive. I need to use this to avoid feelings that I I’ve never looked at.
[01:00:23] I think there’s a difference between healthy allowing ourselves to be in the minute moment enjoying ourselves. And I’ve got to escape this feeling because I don’t think I can handle yeah. Both youth youthful, useful skills, um, and, and somewhat different in, in what we’re we’re referring to. Um, so smells, um, that you might actively choose that
[01:00:58] offer some comfort to you. Again, comfort is by my definition, something that eases some thing it could be attention could be like, it brings you more. If you’re more distracted, it can bring you more present. Since our very primal, they go right to our survival. And I love, I have a few essential oils that I, I’m not super into them, but I noticed the more I use it with the conscious intention of comforting myself, the more quickly it can drop me into that comforted state.
[01:01:35] So every day, every time I put it on I’m like this is to comfort myself and I let myself be with the experience of being somewhat comforted. It, anchors that and helps build that pathway. Um, I used to go into the woods and yeah, if there was an obvious smell, I would notice it. Um, Now on my morning walks, if I’m finding that it’s time to change my state, let’s say I’m, I’m kind of like still haven’t dropped in.
[01:02:06] Um, I might lean against a tree and just smell for what’s there for take a leaf or just smell the breeze. It’s a conscious smell smelling what’s there. And again, like if comfort is the portal that says it’s okay to change state our primitive brain, it’s not our primitive brain might sniff the air for threat, but wouldn’t be like smelling the bar for how naturally delicious it would be or the Moss or whatever.
[01:02:53] You know, I can, I can still remember what my cat, my dog used to smell. Like not when he rolled in something nasty, but, or she’d rolled in something nasty, but, um, like that comforting smell of my dog, I can still, and so we don’t always have to have it available to us. It can be something that is memory that can be on our list of, of possibilities for comfort.
[01:03:22] Again, like if it makes you, if all of a sudden, now there’s a big flood of emotions, I’m going to suggest finding some things that are already a little cleaner in terms of like the comfort that you can allow yourself to feel from. And it may help you when you’re looking for these, um, realize that a lot of these are going directly to our survival brain.
[01:03:46] Uh, they’re the senses of our body. Things that if a bear was chasing us, someone, people were sharing, cooking, and baking and smells. Um, it’s like, if you’re embarrassed chasing you, you’re not stopping to bake cookies. Um, or, you know, it was Anya whenever that is, if you’re not stopping to take a slit of a drink of water, you’re not stopping to smell the bark and the tree, like Rick said, things that help your brain, your survival brain realize you’re not in threat will add to the comfort in deep in that.
[01:04:17] So we’re noticing we’re taking the time to notice those. So when you’re looking for different things too, for comfort, you can be really great. It’s great to have all the senses involved. The more of our senses we involve, the more, I think it’s like a holistic feeling. Our body drops in better, and there are people that are much more visual than auditory.
[01:04:38] I hate listening to podcasts. They just drive me nuts because I’m not just an auditory person. I want to see them. So like, you get to choose what’s right for you. But notice the, the more of the senses you’re bringing in the options you can choose to help your brain realize that you were actually safe right now.
[01:04:55] There’s not a danger. Um, in this moment, it doesn’t mean that there’s not something big you have to deal with tomorrow, or China may have issues, but right, this moment in the space you’re in, you’re safe, that will allow you to experience that lighting and candles. One of my favorite things. So, um, I love coffee.
[01:05:20] This is an idea. LA, I, I call it an ice cappuccino, but of course it’s not, it’s a latte, um, with half and half maple syrup. Um, yeah. Now I will tell you that this is on my comfort list. It’s an old favorite. If I turn to it for coping, this would have been gone before I got back to the office from downstairs, because it’s for coping.
[01:05:54] If I’m using it for comfort, then even if I’ve taken a couple steps and I haven’t really noticed it. If I, if I smell, I smell maple syrup, one of my favorites, and if I sip.
[01:06:22] The intention was for comfort. And again, like I could feel my body down regulating. It’s not, I wouldn’t say that I’m, um, like re what I call relaxed is a different state than being engaged with, but I’m engaged now with less tension. I definitely shifted to a whatever gear state of being that mindful comfort brought is good for me.
[01:06:54] It’s good for my body. You, you could argue all day long. Oh, you shouldn’t be drinking coffee, you know? No, it was perfect. I feel warm. I feel alive and I, I didn’t actually go up the whole. There’s more there. Um, I’m not feeling drawn to drink more of it right now, but it’s there. And this is, this is, um, where as emotional freedom coaches, Kathy and I w you know, a lot of times people think of emotional freedom as you know, not being really stressed or trauma triggered.
[01:07:36] And that’s very true. Emotional freedom too. Is can I have some, some stabby with my state of being my energy system? Can I like go through that door? Come back around the corner, use a smell, use a taste. Why? Well, it’s empowering. I believe that our primitive brain gets the hang of this. And it starts feeling like actually we are more safe to feel things because we’re actually developing some, some real savvy with being able to feel something, be with it.
[01:08:20] When the time comes, we can use so many different comforts. Like we have all of these things. I can just like, I, I can just change my posture.
[01:08:40] And I’m now I’m now in a different state of being, um, I really loved that you role modeled with the coffee too, because I think that we’re not shown that very much. And I love the difference between coping and. I grew up where a pasta was my like coping mechanism, but I would eat like half a block, definitely a comfort food, but I wasn’t present with the eating.
[01:09:04] I was just like, if I could get it in my system, I would feel heavy enough and kind of suppress the anxiety enough. My body couldn’t be anxious. Cause it was like so full of pasta versus can I really notice, like I made this for myself and I’m taking a bite of it and I’m letting myself just be present with that.
[01:09:22] I think there’s a lot more nourish. It’s like it goes from survival to thriving, like cope, coping to comfort. And I love that. We re modeling the sipping the coffee that hopefully the next time you go to enjoy something like maybe that will pop in your head. Can I slow this down just a little bit. And all it needs is like five.
[01:09:42] You don’t have to like, go, like we don’t have to be Zen monks on the, on the top of a mountain. Um, the Rick has the shaved head going, so maybe he’s close. Um, but no, but if you slow it down, even 5%, we’re just letting ourselves be a little more nourished by that. And I really do think it’s like ground that’s really, if you ever seen gravity, it’s so dry, it’s cracked.
[01:10:08] And then when it rains, the water just runs off the surface. There’s nothing to sink into. Versus if we start allowing some comfort into our system, the more I allow it, the actual, I think the more easier I can be comforted. So it’s kind of like. If I’ve been deprived for a while, I’ve been really stressed.
[01:10:28] I have to sink through a level of anxiety. I have to actually like a lay down and I’ll be really anxious. I’ve learned if I can just be with that, breathe with that feeling and not trying to make it go away. I’ll sink down through it, but to get to the, to the place where I can comfort myself, I sometimes have to go through some resistance because my system just hasn’t, it’s like, what’s this relaxing thing again?
[01:10:51] I don’t remember this. So, um, there’s nothing wrong with that. I think it’s just our bodies get revved up and it’s like, oh, now I can relax other fresh possibilities thinking in terms of like, how do you touch yourself? I see one person, you know, with their hands behind their head like that to me is. Hello.
[01:11:15] Um, you know, that I used to do, but I’d never done this like primitive brain and frontal lobe. And like, like as soon as, but so comforting, I had to yawn, um, I, I D I didn’t use to like, put my hand over my heart, except for the pledge of allegiance, which, you know, um, and so like, if somebody is telling me something and I want to, I’m noticing that I’m becoming distracted.
[01:11:56] If I put my hand on my heart as comforting support for myself, I shift. I noticed I shift states of beer. If,
[01:12:13] if I apply a little pressure, which kind of helps the collarbones, which tend to ride up, rise up with anxiety. If I just like, oh, Hey little pressure.
[01:12:29] Imagining my, my tongue deserves like resting in the hammock of my jaw. Like, oh, you’ve had a big day, buddy. Ah, uh, uh, little pina colada. Um, these are. And especially if you include your whole body for, for me, for example, there are times when just grabbing across my body in energy medicine, though, there’s a lot of reasons for this, but taking your, this is my left hand and holding my right ankle can feel like it provides a comfort to my body and my energy field.
[01:13:23] I’m exploring those things. And I believe that part of, you know, the real skills. Particularly if we’re kind of coming up from, from having to have been more self-sufficient, um, that there’s a relationship aspect. When we, when we do these things with ourselves, not even necessarily for ourselves, but it’s a whiff, I’m doing this with my body, with my nose, with my mouth.
[01:13:52] When we do that, we’re, we’re building up those relationship pathways. And so when somebody else offers comfort, we’re more like we know where it flows in when it feels good. Cause we’ve been doing that ourselves. Um, and you’ll notice that we haven’t talked about like taking a day off and going to the spa, getting a, a 90 minute massage.
[01:14:22] Those are great. Can be great. Big comfort. Um, we’ve, we’ve been focusing on things that, you know, allow you to have portals that are at your fingertips, tapping as tapping these comfort points, holding these comfort points, holding and breathing, these comfort points. That’s at your fingertips. I’m a big believer in that it’s, it’s helped me, you know, be very differently.
[01:14:52] Self-managed um, and it makes it much more comfortable if somebody else, um, holds my heart. I know what that can feel like. And I’m much more open to it than if it’s just coming out of nowhere. You know, uh, I’ve noticed that in my life, over the last 30 years, is that the more that I practice these things, when I get them from someone else in a consensual way, Very very different and it’s bonding, um, in a good way.
[01:15:27] Can I leave a quick tapping on this noticing new ways to comfort ourselves and allowing them in karate chop, even though I’m not always really good at comforting myself, even though I’m not always really good at comforting myself and I don’t always let other people’s comforts in and I don’t always let other people’s comforts in.
[01:15:48] All you have to do is be a little bit better than I used to be. Well, I have to do is be a little better than it used to be. It could be comforting to what, make a difference in my world to make a difference in my world. Top of the head, I’m open to discovering new ways of comforting myself. I’m open to discovering some new ways to comfort myself.
[01:16:16] I brought him open to experiencing new ways of others. Comforting. I’m even open to ways other Buddha ways that other people can comfort me. It’s a lot of the, I, I haven’t been noticing those as much. I haven’t been noticing as much under the, I always go to my tried and true. I always go to my tried and true.
[01:16:40] I invite my brain to notice new ways. I invite my brain to notice new wave Tim. I invite my heart to explore and play with these many ways. I invite my heart to explore and play with these new ways collarbone. And I invite my beam to open up to the comfort that’s in these experiences. And I opened myself to the comfort that’s in these experiences.
[01:17:08] I don’t have to do them forever and ever. I do not have to do them forever and never try them on. I can try them on and open up more to them and open up more. Yeah. And just take a deep breath and imagine, and to let your body imagine that it could absorb comfort in different ways at different times. And you’re not limited.
[01:17:30] Like I know when, when spaghetti was my one comfort, it was like, if I was traveling, I was like, oh, it was before the doors of door dash. I didn’t know how to get my. But now I know there’s a lot of different ways I can do it. It gives me a lot of different ways. I think it’s really empowering to know that there’s a lot of different ways we can take care of our system, our survival brain start going through is going.
[01:17:52] Yeah, I got this. I’m rocking it. Yeah, you are. You’re rocking it. Thank you for joining us for this, um, this journey. Um, if you’d like to continue this discussion, uh, thriving now about center is our community center. And we’re talking about the concept of comfort and other concepts, as well as, um, continuing on.
[01:18:21] Exploration of comforts that, um, I believe that I believe that the group of us that have been together that over the next week, I’m guessing you’re going to notice something that helps you shift your state of being in a way that surprises you. And I invite you if that’s yes, to share that we are all about the shared wisdom and shared experiences we’re doing.
[01:18:50] Exploration. And, um, and I appreciate you trying on this assertion of mine, that comfort is an essential that it offers a portal for us to change our state of being to, to be part of the calming part of calm and confident. And if we get really practiced at being able to pick comforts that are helpful for us nourishing for us, that’ll active act that activate our, our healing, our, our sense of being okay and safe or, um, that, that skill carries out to other people too, that everyone that I believe that.
[01:19:42] The way that I drink, if I’m allowing it to comfort me, whether I exp you know, I got to explain what I’m doing to all of you, but if I’m doing this, that my family will feel a shift. If I’m eating to cope, uh I’m uh, I’m uh, doing in that state of being that they feel that to the people that I run into. So I appreciate you being part of bringing more permission and modeling of, of, uh, that comfort is available to us so that we can integrate.
[01:20:22] That’s why it takes more courage sometimes to do these smaller self care things. And it does to like fight off the line. So thank you for your courage and your curiosity on this. Yeah until next time. Yeah. I look forward to our workshop. That’s right after. And for those of you in the United States that are celebrating Thanksgiving and anywhere in the world, gratitude to you for being part of a thriving now community bye for now.
[01:20:52] Thank you, Cathy.

We covered…

  • How comforts are an essential!
  • Ways to use comforts to down-regulate and shift into other states of being.
  • Tapped on blocks to allowing the comforts to really reach us.
  • Expanded our “menu” of comforts by exploring sights, sounds, smells, tastes, and touch.

Resources Mentioned

  1. EFT Tapping Guide

  2. Thriving Now Emotional Freedom Circle

Great to have you on this journey with us!


This was a very useful, insightful and practical workshop!! I really got a lot out of it. Thanks to Rick and Cathy for all the Heartistry, Clarity and care they bring to their work.


It really anchored for me as I’ve gone through the day that a comfort, when used consciously, really does help me to switch states of being. When I was finished with my walk, I needed to come home and work. There was a moment before starting the car where I “listened to the silence” inside the car, allowed it to ready me for driving and the work to come.

I am curious whether comforts can become like a “key” to supporting the state of being changes I’ve wanted to make conscious in a way that makes them easier and me more skilled. I am seeing many times when I “tried” to switch gears but without some “comfort” it felt more like shifting without disengaging the drive shaft / transmission first. Hmmm…


I’m reminded of NLP (Neuro Linguistic Programming) by your statement. Having ways to access different states that are appropriate and useful to shifting contexts is a large aspect of NLP. I’m not aware of comforts, per se, as being explicitly discussed but it makes perfect sense to me to have them as a resource for that purpose.

One thing I did notice from the comforts workshop is the tendency to consider comforts as something that are external to us…food, work, blankets, TV etc. All perfectly legit and wonderful examples of course…and I’ve been considering the comforts I can access internally. I find that much more difficult. The comfort of a deep breath…comforting myself with a particular thought…a comforting posture or body movement, etc…or like you listening to the silence in your car…‘resourcefulness’ in contrast to ‘resources’. We can’t always rely on ‘resources’ being available but we can always carry with us our ‘resourcefulness’ and have access to those ‘internal’ comforts. One thing I think I’ve always done very naturally and only in the last few years have I wondered about the ‘why’ of it is a sort of spontaneous chanting or humming that I do…I like feeling the vibrations in my head and chest by shifting pitch. This is a bit embarrassing but I sometimes just sort of speak in a sort of nonsense gibberish…made up words…once in a while for a few minutes…lol. Again, it’s spontaneous and feels playful and it’s comforting is some way I suppose. And probably a good way to get out of jury duty!!

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My two kids at home both do this! I have noticed that doing it with them is… comforting. Tones and vibes and co-regulation.

We also have been howling together a lot, which I find comforting, too.


I just listened through this one on YouTube and I will go back to do it again in a few days. I was reflecting earlier today on how comfort and support was perpetually denied me, or delivered in a belittle mocking or irritated voice, as if I was being a nuisance for not being stronger…

When I try to be nice or comfort myself I just burst into tears. I do that when ppl are nice to me too, bc I almost expect it to turn nasty at any moment, and I’ll be caught off guard.

I’ve been working on safety too in a roundabout way, and because I couldn’t remember ever feeling safe, I went for gratitude b/c I know what that feels like in the body. Earlier today a memory surfaced of feeling safe, for an evening.

My cryptonite is asking. Never ask, never EVER ask, asking makes me anathema, rejection, bad and shame.
Mother’s attitude clearly was I should be able to live without this hideous need of mine to be met (being heard/seen as a being); if you need validation you need to learn to live without it…

Shining in any capacity=humiliation, mocking, shame.
If whatever need can’t be provided by parents, you have NO RIGHT to go elsewhere to have that met, don’t you dare embarras the family…

I have noticed people in this group are very good at hearing / seeing each other :blue_heart: thank you for letting me be part of it :paw_prints:


I’ve realized in a peripheral way for awhile now that I want the comfort to come from outside of me, preferably from another human being. As if I shouldn’t have to comfort myself all the time, someone else should be available to make me feel better. (says the 6 year old)

If I (try to) give myself comfort, several things happen.

  • I can end up with a sick feeling in my stomach as if it’s either not okay to comfort myself or else I feel angry because I’m so tired of and from having to comfort myself because there wasn’t any comfort available any other way. I once was asked how I self soothe and I said “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

  • It feels “subpar”, as if were I an okay/acceptable/deserving human being I wouldn’t have to always give it to myself, and there’d be another person there who would give me comfort, at least more than once every 6 or 8 weeks when someone I care about gives me a hug which is never long enough.

  • Then there’s the old belief “It’s not okay to seek comfort. Feeling good is not safe, and will be quickly taken from me.”

Even the image with the hands at the top of this thread makes me cringe and almost mildly dissociate.

I don’t know if any of this is clear; I wanted to get it out while I was thinking of it.


I recognize those same struggles in my own life…giving myself comfort. My childhood is quite unclear to me and even my adolescence is as well (what does that communicate?!) My teenage years (13 - 19) are very clear to me. I was left at home with my alcoholic mother while my father was a travelling salesman and would be gone for a week or two at a time. When he returned home it was such a comfort…comfort coming externally…I couldn’t wait for him to get home. Of course, the fucked up thing about that was that he was the one who left me in that situation in the first place. Comfort coming from the one who had thrust me into unbelievable discomfort and I worshipped him for that comfort when he returned and relieved me of the duty of taking care of his wife, my mother. He was my hero when he returned. That’s kinda FU’d, no? I learned early on to get my comfort from booze, drugs, cigs and losing myself in other people’s home lives because mine was so unbearable most of the time…and lonely and confusing. So the idea of ‘self-soothing’ in a healthy way that doesn’t rely on external sources is still often very unfamiliar to me.

The learning path that leads to a self-sufficient way of soothing was never constructed for you and I and millions of others. Ideally we would have been comforted in authentic and safe ways and from that beginning we would have learned how to do that for ourselves as we grew. Transferrable skills! I think that’s what happens in emotionally thriving ‘We-Space’ families. But that evolutionary pathway toward learning how to self-comfort ourselves was interrupted or never constructed and I think when that happens we can get left in a sort of time warp…we grow to be adults still primarily needing comforting from the outside. And fortunately for us our brains are very resilient and plastic and those skills can be learned even as adults.

Most of this I’d already mapped out for myself but some of this I’m just putting together now as I type. Thanks for being so open and revealing…I appreciate that. It helps. :slight_smile:

All of it is very clear my friend…


You belong here the same as any of us do. Thank you for showing up, for contributing and for your vulnerable honesty.

A lot of what you have posted I can relate to. It’s hard for me to ask for things, too, and it’s taken a lot of practice and discernment for me to choose wisely who I even honor with my ask.


I don’t remember much of mine, either, just bits and pieces of various traumas, and the rest is mostly a blur of numbness and confusion. I think I spent years dissociating a lot of the time.

Thank you, Glenn, I so appreciate how you and Rick both respond with thoughtful, considerate and truly beautiful words. It makes it easier to be revealing and open knowing I’ll be received with support and kindness and dare I say love? :hugs:


I think you can dare to say love… :grinning:


It’s very clear and (unfortunately) only too relatable. Hugs


Can I just hop in to say how relatable all of this is??

@gibbysan the session that you’ve had with @Cathy reminded me of something relatable. The thought of the plastic pizza (deceived comfort) was all too real…! In fact, literally too real. My mum used to cook waffles for us for breakfast until she cooked in bulk batches and the food eventually spoils because there were just too many…! And when we brought up that it was spoilt, she would get angry, and I can just immediately sense it… and the blame will be on me and my brother. “Why did you not eat it earlier?! You should’ve known that it will spoil so you should’ve eaten more!” And because of that, both of us had to stuff down those sour waffles and be stomach-ill for days… ughh…no fun…! I still do struggle with this, but at least now I can listen more to my body and say “no” with more ease than back then… so that’s good :relieved:

I still remember the time when I cried so profusely when mum and dad wanted to file for divorce and I was so heartbroken at their decision (they didn’t though since my dad backed out. Still wished that they had broke up though, otherwise I wouldn’t be stuck in their cobweb of problems). That was probably my darkest moment, and I start to lose reasons to live. Sleeping was an absolute nightmare. I cried in the toilet at my workplace. And that night, I just had to asked my mum…for comfort, for support though all these… and I told her, why do you both have to divorce? What I got was more complains about her situation, her struggle and her saying how shitty my dad was…!

A big tight slap in the face (not literally).That was the comfort I got.

Wake the fuck up, and see how messed up your dad and the world is. She didn’t say that, but that probably was what I got from her. Ironically, from then on, it pulled me out of that dark moment. I had to, I must, wake the fuck up and continue to fight this painful war.

So…idk, it could’ve been way better if I actually had comfort, but that was probably the moment when I learn the most painful (and limiting) belief that nobody is going to give a flying shit about you so stop wallowing over your own problems, since even the person that I cared about the most dared to say such a thing.

If the person you care about can say such a thing, so what makes you think that a stranger (or someone less close to you) would then care more?

Anyways, a lot of self reflection like many of you guys here… but another takeaway to drawing the connection of the lack of comfort and rest for my internal self, which has driven the need for people-pleasing and attention from people…! If there was a job to people-please, I would probably do really well with it, but man… it’s seriously tiring!:sob:

As a musician, a student etc. i repeatedly question myself this: “what’s the point of doing all these when nobody cares?” But I know that question seeks to prompt my inner deficit in self comfort. Because I know that ultimately, I need it to be able to comfort myself rather than waiting for the world to comfort me… probably one of the hardest lesson I had to keep learning.


I will share that I’ve learned that when my brain uses things like “nobody” or “everybody” that it’s spouting bullshit into my psyche.

I have yet to find any kind of art or person or idea that “nobody” likes or “everybody” likes. Have you?

Means if we say nobody wants us, we are stating something false. It’s helpful to alert our mind to such falsities. We don’t want to follow liars and con artists – even the ones in our head :stuck_out_tongue_winking_eye:


Thanks Rick! Yes I agree. But I think that would be what my logical mind would say…! I wouldn’t go so far to say that it’s false because that was what I’ve authentically been feeling… alone and sorrowful internally whilst the other side is trying to talk me out of it that I’m actually not.

I’ve always told myself back then that yeah, I will try to tell myself that there are people who care and I try to console myself that I’ll be fine. But that seem to only add another layer of resistance and a deceived comfort (?) that which makes me try to hide my internal lonely struggles even further…

The deep sense of lonely pain that “nobody” is there pointed me to all that neglect and hurt that I was once given by my parents… such that it felt “like no-one was there, since only me and my family exist in our home”. So in a way, I’m glad that it is there to then point me to what I need to work on internally.

So emotionally, it felt that way, and I’d choose to honour and acknowledge those feelings so that I can release those hurts and support my younger self!