Being On Guard for Danger (When I Don't Have To Be)

 Real Skills Workshop - Community Event


RS 2022-10-16 Danger

Being On Guard for Danger (When I Don’t Have To Be)

Real Skills Workshop: Be Calm and Confident

Hosts: Rick Wilkes (@Rick) and Cathy Vartuli (@Cathy)

Sun Oct 16 2022 at 5pm EDT / 2pm PDT (90 mins with a 7 min break)

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I would find it very useful and interesting if we could explore the numerous ways ‘negativity bias’ is expressed in our lives. For me it seems that ‘worry’ could be an expression of it and I do more of that than serves me in moving more fully into Thriving. Like all emotions, worry has it’s unique benefit but I use it outside of contexts where it benefits me and it has only (as far as I’m aware) negative impact.
Looking forward to this one!

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Worry has always been my default mode. I have to consciously stop myself, tap or do something to stop it. Sometimes I just watch a movie or read. It’s very tiring and it feels like life would feel better if it wasn’t so prominent. I haven’t seen a tiger in a very long time.

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Being on guard, almost constantly n consistently, has drained me off my energy.

It actually had been need of the time then, due to my non - knowledge of my ability, my power. Also due to the non-knowlege about the stressful events being actually only psudo. it were result of display of being in control attitude of the other person. Why psudo because the person wasnt going to literally kill me. Moreover s/he were(still they do) actually reacting(by trying be in control) due to their own issues.

Awearness - as its coming, is helping me stay above the distress…at least many a times. Lots internal clearing and claiming of self is still needed.

And definitely ‘worry’ has had its role…infact continues to have though little less powered now -atleast in moments of mindfulness.

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Register Now for: Being On Guard for Danger (When I Don’t Have To Be)

Always On Guard?

I know so many who grew up with an alcoholic or abusive parent (thanks Dad), and now, decades later, they still feel like DANGER might surprise them anytime and anywhere.

I went through that myself and needed to figure out how to feel “appropriately safe.” Because…

It’s really hard to feel like you’re thriving – even with a soft happy cat purring on your lap – if all your sensors are on High Alert.

We know trauma can do this to a human. Our primitive brain knows from painful past experience that it would be “stupid” to let our guard down!

Yet, not even the bravest protectors are not designed to be on duty all the time.

In this Real Skills Workshop we’ll be doing some release tapping for past experiences that feel stuck in our primitive brain. We’ll also practice recalibrating so that instead of being stuck in vigilance we have a range of alertness from 1-10.

Would this be useful for you? Do you find yourself more on guard than is useful for the actual situation? If so, do join us on Sunday, October 16th:

Click Here to Register

(If you can’t attend live, register and get the recording)

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This gliding-scale based EFT Tapping and Coaching session is 90 minutes long. Cathy and I will be facilitating as we restore the range of awareness and alertness that supports both safety AND thriving.

We hope you’ll join us!

Click Here to Register

Rick & Cathy
Your Emotional Freedom Coaches
Schedule Private, Gliding Scale Coaching Sessions Here

P.S. Adira says, “Easing up doesn’t mean shutting down… you know?”

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Hard and Expensive Vigilance

Being vigilant for ALL possible danger is HARD.

It’s hard on the senses – the eyes strain, the ears react to small sounds, the heart never really rests.

It’s hard on the mind. Analysis! Paralysis! What’s the possible threat here??? And if we don’t sense the threat our brain can go haywire…

WHAT HAVE I MISSED?!?!

So HARD. And so expensive.

Expensive? Yes. Vigilance that is out of whack costs us our well-being. It costs us our peace of body and mind. It costs us our thriving.

We’re supposed to operate within a range of alertness. All animals are! We’re supposed to pay more attention crossing the street than resting in a chair with a cup of warmth.

But if you feel like you’re “anxious all (much?) of the time” then your vigilance is perhaps stuck too high.

A simple test: “Pause and sense what’s happening right NOW in the space around you. What level of alertness would be appropriate? 0-10. Then… how alert/vigilant am i actually feeling? 0-10.”

The gap, if there is one, is both hard on your system and expensive.

Because our primitive brain can get stuck in hypervigilance, it takes skill – real skill – to consciously coax our body-mind and nervous system back into calibration… to be as alert as is helpful and as calm as is restorative.

Cathy and I are good that this – because we have to be! Both of us are highly sensitive (a gift) in a world where there is a lot going down. You too?

If so, join us Sunday the 16th (or on the replay if necessary). 90 minutes where we’ll explore how to find the sweet spot of alertness and shift to that level with savvy.

Click Here to Register

(If you can’t attend live, register and get the recording)

P.S. Our Circle Membership - now available for
a one-time payment on a gliding scale
.
Circle Members get all Real Skills Workshops (and much more)!

This gliding-scale based EFT Tapping and Coaching session is 90 minutes long. Cathy and I are excited to help us all restore the range of awareness and alertness that supports both safety AND thriving.

We hope you’ll join us!

Rick & Cathy
Your Emotional Freedom Coaches
Schedule Private, Gliding Scale Coaching Sessions Here

P.S. Adira says, “Be Aware and Be Chill. Then you can both See All and Smile!”

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Don’t Tell Me NOT To Be On Guard! I’m Not That Stupid!

I need to be on guard. I would feel utterly stupid if I wasn’t. Unsafe.

I’m on guard at the top of the stairs – especially if Adira is there, too. I’m on guard when I’m driving. I’m on guard when I stroll in the woods. I’m on guard when I sleep!

How about you? When are you on guard?

Here are a couple of keys, though, to being on guard without being stressed out, overwhelmed, and chronically depleting yourself:

  1. Be on guard at the level appropriate for the actual circumstance… not more (and not much less, either).

  2. Where you find yourself NEEDING to be on guard at a much higher level than other folk, especially emotionally on guard, actively build RESILIENCE.

Both are crucial for a thriving life.

To be “safe enough” does ask for us to be on guard a bit. On a 1-10 scale, our on-guard-ness is designed to move around. Sometimes a 2… pretty chill but not in a coma. Sometimes an 8 – threats are present and we need to get to someplace where we can be a 2 again.

I just know from working with myself and with y’all in the community that we can really start to feel like we’re thriving when we get this alertness/vigilance scale re-calibrated inside of us.

Which brings me to this: I know that most humans suppress their heartistry in the world because they are not sufficiently emotionally resilient. They are so “on guard” about other people’s real reactions like… judgment, criticism, being viewed as unworthy/undeserving… that they shut down. Avoid. Stay hidden.

Cathy and I find this heartbreaking.

We also find it heartwarming to watch as people clear the emotional noise and trauma so they can, indeed, express their creativity with calm confidence (even in a world where critics outnumber heartists).

So, she and I are doing a workshop. It’s TOMORROW (Sunday Oct 16). If being smartly on guard and savvy with your resilience would be useful to you… please join us!

Click Here to Register

(If you can’t attend live, register and get the recording)

P.S. Our Circle Membership - now available for
a one-time payment on a gliding scale
.
Circle Members get all Real Skills Workshops (and much more)!

This gliding-scale based EFT Tapping and Coaching session is 90 minutes long. Cathy and I are excited to help us all restore the range of awareness and alertness that supports both safety AND thriving.

We hope you’ll join us!

Click Here to Register

Rick & Cathy
Your Emotional Freedom Coaches
Schedule Private, Gliding Scale Coaching Sessions Here

P.S. Adira says, “Danger! All dressed up in pretty colors that make me point and smile… And look! The A is for ADIRA!”

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I am in the middle of the call and really am distracted on how this does not apply to those who are marginalized. I constantly go back to this item whenever I have to tap on anything.
How does one not relax when one can be murdered for holding a cell phone, or pizza? And then people think it is perfectly reasonable to celebrate the death of a person that look like you no matter how innocent. How white controlled media makes sure to put out as much negative information as possible, and thus negativity bias abounds to the point that these people to think it fine for the police to murder children, yet they describe themselves as not racist? sexist? homophobic etc. For many of us it is a matter of life and death.

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@Dragonrider, our intention was to honor that for each person, the level of vigilance that is right for them in a situation varies. It may be appropriate for a person to be vigilant at an 11 because life and limb and threats are there. Truly.

The “(When I Don’t Need To Be)” specifically speaks to the gap – when and if there is one – between how vigilant someone feels and what they can in mind, body, and heart see would be more useful for them. THEIR decision, not one that anyone else could or should impose upon them through judgment or declaring it “irrational.”

We didn’t and we don’t assert that.

What I’ve heard and helped clients with is how to tune themselves. Because of appearances and threats in certain venues, the true and provable threat to life for some is 1000x more than it would be for me in the same venue.

Going deeper into this work and this skill, I have had the experience of being told that instead of being terrified and hypervigilant at an 11, they would (when they can) choose to tune their body, nervous system, and awareness to a place where their calm is deeper and their confidence flowing and their awareness expansive (to be alert to threats as early as possible). For them they would call that a 7-8. Yes, with their life on the line.

They also want (and can desperately need) the capacity to unwind in the spaces that are more safe than others. To hold High Alert is a reality for too many beings… and I do hope that there are places and spaces where to be alert at a 3-4 is still possible. I know that isn’t always the case.

So yes, I feel this work is applicable. Even as I wish and work towards a world where everyone can feel safe from harm and abuse.

Thank you for speaking up.

Rick

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Being On Guard for Danger (When I Don’t Have To Be) – Session Replay

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Being On Guard for Danger
[00:00:00] Being on guard for danger when I don’t have to be. This is a real skills workshop for being calm and confident and the level of on guardedness makes a difference. Doesn’t that, Kathy? It really does. I think when we’re, so many of us probably are over on guard, but even if we’re not on guard enough, when we’re not reacting to what’s real in front of us, we’re expending a lot of energy and we’re not reacting to the reality.
[00:00:25] So I’m, I don’t know, maybe some of you have friends or family like this. I have someone in my life that just jumps at everything is very hyper, very like everything’s a threat. It’s very, very hard to relate to her and react, and she’s always tired. She’s always just like exhausted because her guard level is like ping to the top.
[00:00:44] So like someone shutting a door too loud will make her. And that level of adrenaline and intention in our body is not actually good for us. So I think this is just a really great topic to talk about because when we can start dialing into reality and dealing with a guard level, we need where there are threats around us sometimes, and it’s good to have some guard level, um, we start having more energy for life in general.
[00:01:08] We start relating to people in a more authentic way and more gentler on our bodies. Our systems are not like revved all the time. So I love that you’re here. We’re diving into this topic. Thank you so much for being the kind of people that want to recalibrate to your guard system. Mm-hmm. . Um, I’m very tender knowing how many people on the planet right now are revving their engines and being on guard and have, have been left.
[00:01:39] You know, we’re in October, 2022, we’ve. We’ve been in a pandemic zone for a couple of years, and that’s not the only thing that’s been going on. There’s a lot going on in the world. Warm. Yeah. And you know, when I look at people driving, um, which I do when I see people on the trail, I live in a beautiful area.
[00:02:02] I walk a trail that’s very popular. Um, today on the trail, about half the people, I would say are in a place of hypervigilant, just walking amidst the fall leaves on a beautiful day. You can feel it like they’re, they’re vigilant about me as a stranger. And so what do they do? Maybe they look away, they turn away, they, they stop and they get off the trail.
[00:02:29] Um, there’s a level of, and, and that’s okay with me. I just wanna be clear, like it’s, I’ve been in hypervigilance before. I know what it feels like and I know how depleting it was on my body. And I’ll say this, a part of me thought I was just the careful kind of person. You know, like I said in, in one of the emails, um, I’m the kind of person that my nature is to be on guard.
[00:03:00] I want to know what the rules are. I want to know how to do something safely, whether it’s going up and downstairs or going and flying an airplane in the clouds. I’ve, I’ve done both stairs a lot more often than flying in the clouds. But there’s a way to do that. Um, where what I didn’t realize was that for when I was, my stress was building up.
[00:03:28] I got to a place where me being relaxed was never below an eight on the vigilant scale. And so if I completed a project, And it was done and I was done for the day. I never really relaxed more than an eight. And when I was asleep, maybe a seven, you know, just cuz I was asleep. Um, I’m guessing that if you had a video of me sleeping, that I would be like, like jerking more.
[00:04:00] Um, and so like that was really depleting. It was very expensive. And if we can’t, if we couldn’t change our nature, the usefulness of this call would be zero. . Great news is that, um, some of the emotional technologies that we use, like EFT tapping, and if you’re not familiar with it, thriving now.com/tapping.
[00:04:25] We’re not gonna be teaching it today, but you’re gonna see us using it for this particular skill. It allows us to do a bunch of different things that we’re gonna be covering today. It helps restore what I would consider now a natural level of on Godness from Pretty Chill to, you know, this actually is life threatening right now and I need all of my resources online right now.
[00:04:51] Nothing else matters that, like, that there is a time, but hopefully we don’t live in that very often. Um, and everything in between from, you know, like what’s the right level of, of being aware, What’s the light right level of being alert, What’s the right level of being like, okay, vigilantly on guard, ready, and, and then crisis emergency kind of level.
[00:05:25] I think it’s important to mention, and some of you may know this, but we are, we only have so much energy in our system at any given time. So if we are in like guarding mode, our body can’t do as much with rest and digest. It’s not repairing cellular level things. It’s not like helping our body renew as much.
[00:05:44] So when we’re always in guard mode, there is a cost. We’re pain for our bodies to like recover and, and heal and feel vital. So if we’re constantly, you know, pushing the adrenaline button, we’re not really getting that time to like, let our body go, Oh, it’s safe now I can do some house cleaning, so to speak.
[00:06:04] So I think that’s just important to know that we, we do balance that. And I, I think, Rick, what you said about risk tolerance, I think there are different people with risk, different risk tolerances. So you probably, there’s a galaxian and we can move it around depending on the person. Like some people like, yeah, I’m willing to try to stand on the top of the stairs and bounce and see what happens when I, you know, or let.
[00:06:24] Two year old do that. But outside of that, there’s also all the trauma and the experiences we’ve had in our lives that haven’t been resolved. So they’re driving us often to react in a way that might be our calibration might be like, oh, this is a three in terms of fear, but whether we learned it when we were a child or we had a bad experience where our body, our system is reacting like it’s an eight or a nine or a 12.
[00:06:49] So we’re burning a lot of energy. We don’t need to burn and we’re not able to be present at the same level because we’re so much in that like guarded space. So our interest is not in like you get to be, have your wrist tolerance what it is, but we want it to be authentic to the situation and to you, if that makes sense.
[00:07:08] Yeah. So for for many people a attending a Zoom session, Around an edgy topic, like their level of on guard is, um, might have you feeling on guard. And I’m cur if, if you’re willing to share in the chat, if one was like imagining someone pretty checked out, like, you know, maybe reading a book with a book resting on their face cuz they’re really pretty
[00:07:39] That was great. Not, don’t notice the door, um, slamming things like that. Um, all the way up to 10, which is as vigilant as you can imagine yourself being. Where are you right now? What’s, what’s what? Okay, so right now you’re at a 10. Um, one person said that and remembering that alertness six and seven, A two sweet.
[00:08:12] There’s nothing wrong, please. We’re not, it’s not a judgment. This isn’t like you should be somewhere but noticing where you are and then we’re gonna take you through an exercise in a little bit that Rick, that Rick has that can really help you normalize that a little bit. So we get a A three, some five, a six, another six five.
[00:08:36] So yeah, so just noticing authentically where you’re at is great. I’m probably a little higher than I would normally be because I’ve been doing some stressful things, so like that kind of residuals carrying over. So I’m probably a point or two higher than I would normally be doing a call with all of you, which is I tend to be like around a four or five I think what I do calls.
[00:08:56] Cause I wanna really bring the best I can. We have another six, another five. Great. So,
[00:09:08] I’d like you to feel into what would be for you today if you would just guessed, in order to be present with us as a circle and take in what is useful to you, make use of it for yourself and your life to come. What level of awareness? Alertness, again, like one to 10, do you feel would be a sweet spot. As Cathy, Cathy gave us an example, like right now I’m hearing you’re a little higher than a four or five.
[00:09:52] Mm-hmm. . Yeah, but that would four, four or five would be my normal and I think that’s appropriate. We’re here leading a call. We wanna make sure we’re really present. There’s some like activation and in positive way to make sure we’re bringing our best to everyone. Right? So like for me, when I asked the question, I checked in and I was about a six.
[00:10:16] Mm-hmm. . I had just tapped into a time period in my life where I was pretty hyper vigilant and the echo of that was still sticking around and like cafe for me, facilitating a workshop, a four or five has enough energy moving. If I start drifting down to about a three, I’m actually checking out. If I’m going up six, seven, that would be an indicator for me.
[00:10:42] And just having that. As an awareness. Mm-hmm. , I believe is a step that we can do. We don’t have to do, you don’t have to do tapping or anything else if you’re just aware that, oh, there’s a scale. And right now I, I was at an eight and you know, a three would be sweet for me. Ah, a bunch of twos and threes and three to four, three for the sweet spot.
[00:11:08] Yeah. So, um, I’d like to, would you like to lead a tapping to invite our, bo our nervous system, our body, to recalibrate a bit to our sweet spot for our time together? Would you. Glad to do that. And please notice your system may feel some resistance to this. We’re just inviting. We’re not forcing, If your system is having trouble with this, it’s just a sign.
[00:11:33] You probably have some traumas and it’s like, Oh, I’m afraid to, to dial down the emergency scale, if that makes sense. Mm-hmm. , so just notice, don’t force, Don’t judge karate chop. Even though I’ve been pretty revved, even though I’ve been pretty revved and I’ve been guarding a lot, and I’ve been guarding a lot my whole life, I invite my system to notice how safe I actually am.
[00:12:00] I invite my system to notice how safe I actually am. I’m basing some of my guarding on old experiences, definitely basing some of my guard on old experiences, and I might be safer than I think I and I might be than I I I of in my body. I have a lot of stress in my body eyebrow. I tend to keep the guard up.
[00:12:27] I tend to keep my guard up side of the eye. That might have been really smart when I was younger. That was really smart when I was younger, under the eye and in different situations, really smart again, and in different situations. It’s really smart again under the nose, but right this minute, I’m sitting safely in my chair.
[00:12:49] Oh, right this minute. I’m sitting safely right here, Jen. I’m here with people that are pretty cool. I’m here with people that are pretty cool that this matters to them. Yeah. Collarbone. What if I could let my guard down a little bit? What if I could let my guard down just a little bit? And dear, let my body relax.
[00:13:13] Let my body relax. Top of the head and actually be present here with, and not so present with the fear of things that might happen, be present here, and not so much with the fear about what might happen. And just take a breath and notice what you, what comes up for you. If your body’s like, Oh yeah, that’s great, Wonderful.
[00:13:35] If it’s like, Oh no, that’s not safe, it’s okay. Like, see what you notice about that. So this is all DA data that you’re, we’re gathering. If it doesn’t feel safe, maybe ask it. Why? Why doesn’t it feel safe? What do you think will happen if that feels like a safe place to, to go for you to look? Um, and someone asked, uh, how about a meditative state?
[00:13:57] What number is that? Um, again, um, You can feel in your own body. Like meditative to me can be like, I’m really quieting my whole system down. And meditative can be like, my awareness is vast. And I would call that vast awareness, not on godness, but like activated my awareness, um, at a pretty high number. Not typically where I stay in meditation, but that’s where you can fluctuate on.
[00:14:35] Gardenless tends to have an anxiety, worry, alert, vigilance to it. That’s typically where I use the scale. So as you go up to 7, 8, 9, 10, you would probably notice that your body is got more, um, adrenaline, more alertness. You’re looking at more with hard eyes for like, if you’re looking at someone, you would have kind of a hard eye look.
[00:14:59] Um, soft eyes would be more like the 2, 3, 4, like I’m present with you and I’m allowing, there’s more allowing, um, you feel pretty much on the calm on side. And an analogy I come up with, like when my, I still had my cat. We trusted each other. So if I felt the soft brush of fur, there was a relaxation that was like, Oh, I trust that this bean is coming over to cuddle with me or to spend time with me.
[00:15:30] And it’s, it’s gonna be a, probably a good experience versus if I, if I felt, I don’t like snakes, so if I felt like a snake kind of feel in my arm, I would be very, very vigilant. So if you can just imagine like when we feel safe in the universe, what’s coming to us, we think of as like a trusted friend just putting a hand on our shoulder and we feel safe and open to that versus something that’s coming in like that.
[00:15:53] The universe might be sending things that are scary and someone said, What if I let my guard down and something bad happens? And I think it’s important. It’s a great question. I wanna point out that when we were little, we’re trying to understand the world. We don’t have a lot of experience, We don’t have a lot of logic, and the adults around us don’t actually understand often how our brains were working.
[00:16:15] Like there wasn’t a, they had, for most of us on this call, um, there wasn’t a lot of understanding about how children’s brains work very differently than adults. So some of us became very superstitious as a way to try to control our worlds. And it was the best we could do at that time. And yet many of us carry those superstitions forward.
[00:16:35] And I notice that I’ll do that sometimes. Like if I let my guard down, something bad will happen. That’s, that’s like a, a superstitious thing. If I always keep my guard up, then I will be safe versus. Bad things can sometimes happen, and it’s good if I can bring my guard up quickly, but I don’t have to always be like defensive.
[00:16:54] It’s not a, when it becomes, for me, it’s a superstitious thing if I’m paying the price by always being in guard to try to prevent bad things from happening. Does that make sense? Mm-hmm. . Yeah. So, and, and again, this is one of those clues, um, when
[00:17:14] this is so common in, in emotional freedom coaching that I do, um, this aspect of, well, if I let my guard down, something bad will happen. It goes, if it’s cousin is, if something good’s happen, happen something bad is going to follow. Um, as Kathy said, as children, We make really, like general associations. I was having a really good time, best time of my life, and wham, I got punched in the gut emotionally or even physically.
[00:17:45] Mm-hmm. . So I better never feel that good again. Um, if you were around people that were unstable, um, then, you know, being on guard as a child is very much more primitive brain kind of thing. And so that’s what I’d like to do a tapping round on is, hey, on guard for my inner child, for my, for me, back then it was a different kind of thing.
[00:18:14] It really was. On or off, on or off. Does that make sense? Yeah. Yeah. Even though it was on or. Even though it was on or off, and it might have been stuck on for decades now, , right? It might have been stuck on for decades now. What does it mean to have a range? What does it mean to have a range? I’m either on guard or I’m not.
[00:18:43] I’m either on guard or I’m not pop head. I’m either on guard or I’m not. I’m either on guard or I’m not eyebrow. I am not so stupid to not be on guard. I am not so stupid to not be on guard side of the eye. I must be on guard. It must be on guard all the time. All the time. For all possible threats. For all possible threats, and be like, Wow, that is so exhausting.
[00:19:06] That is so exhausting. I know. But if I let my guard down, something bad’s gonna happen. If I let my guard down, something bad is gonna happen. Jen. There’s that on off again. There’s that on off again. Coone, if I let my guard down something bad, it’s gonna happen. If I let my guard down, something bad is gonna happen.
[00:19:31] My poor tender inner child, my poor tender inner child under the arm, couldn’t differentiate, couldn’t differentiate, couldn’t discern what was going on, couldn’t discern what was going on up that even blame for stuff. That was just an accident. Even blame for stuff that was just an accident.
[00:19:55] When I’m in the process of unwinding that now, and I’m in the process of unwinding that,
[00:20:06] We, we could go, like one of the things for each of us to explore is when did I learn that I needed to be on guard? How old did I, How old was I? Cuz I can give you a clue. If you’re two or three, then it really is gonna be on or off and there’s some work that you can do. Um, we have a group coaching program, the Thriving Now Circle, um, and thriving now.com/circle is where you can learn more if you’re not already a circle member.
[00:20:33] That’s the kind of thing that we love doing in our group sessions cuz it helps all of us because this is a universal experience. Some, some people, again, they, in order to not be on guard, maybe they. They use substances in order to, to numb out that part of them down a little bit. Yeah. Right. Or to be able to go out and live life.
[00:20:57] Um, cuz they can’t go out and have a good time unless their guard gets turned off by chemicals. That’s a thing. Um, a lot of people just avoid. They, they find a comfort spot that’s pretty narrow and that’s where as people who want thriving, um, this is where it starts getting really uncomfortable. You become aware, like, you know, I am really on guard about everything.
[00:21:24] Everything I want to do has an on guard level. Mm-hmm. . Um, just to give, you know, some realness, um, it took me six months of tapping every day on what was causing me to feel on guard or anxious or worried or things like that. But at the end of six months, I would put myself quite a bit more calm and confident.
[00:21:46] Now, For some people, it doesn’t take them six months, you know? But I had been in hypervigilance for all of my life. , as far as my mom is would say, um, for the first 30 years. But the, the, you know, now I’m really in quite a different place. Um, Well, and I’d like to just to point, to link back to the, if I let my guard down, something bad might happen.
[00:22:13] You know, things are hap things do happen sometimes that are not positive, but yeah. Do you feel more resourced because you’re mostly relaxed and able to respond, or do you like I know that I feel if I’m constantly on guard, I don’t really have the resources to deal with something new, bad coming into my life.
[00:22:30] It’s like I’ve already, like the, the knob has already turned to 11 and I’m just like, ah, I can’t deal with more. Versus if I let myself relax and calm and renew, then when something comes up that I need to deal with, I have the, the juice to do it. But let’s, going back to this, the real skill of, okay, where am I?
[00:22:52] Where am I now? Um, let’s say there’s something that you want to do in your life and feeling overly on guard is a part of that. Uh, could be going for a, uh, going for a walk regularly. It could be, um, something that you want to create or share or build. Um, ask for a raise. It doesn’t matter what it is for you, but I’m, I’m curious if you’re willing to share either the number about how.
[00:23:22] On that one to 11, we’ll give it at the 11 for the max. Um, on that scale, how on guard do you feel, and again, you could put then a, a slash, how on guard do you really, in your core feel is appropriate for that situation? It’s not gonna be zero. It’s again, like if you find yourself, well, I’m either on guard or I’m, I’m at risk.
[00:23:50] That’s an indicator that you’re either dealing with zeros or, or, or 10 or 11. Does that make sense? Like, oh, it’s unsafe to go for a walk in the city. Um, that would be like primitive brain saying it’s black or white, it’s safe or unsafe. It could be that the level of of safety that you want is not, you’re not gonna meet it.
[00:24:15] Um, But there’s a, there’s usually a sweet spot for awareness where if you’re in that zone and you’re doing something that you feel like your awareness is, is broad enough to be resilient. Let’s see. Where, what are we, uh, feeling seven could be a five. Yeah. And, and that difference of a seven and a five is enormous for our, Cuz it’s, it’s an exponential scale or log, I don’t know which, what would you would call it?
[00:24:50] A, it’s a scale that the difference between five and seven isn’t two. It’s too different. It’s, it’s a lot more than two. The difference between seven and eight is like, wow. The difference between eight and 10 is, uh, just so much, um, more on guard and, and, and all the anxiety and chemicals that come with that.
[00:25:15] Um, so I’d just like to invite everyone if you could, like, we’ve been talking a lot. Just take a nice deep breath
[00:25:24] and just let yourself be right where you are right now. I’ve been kind of pulling you into like inviting you to feel into different things, but just feel into your body right now if you can, right in the spot you are. Let yourself, your butt on the chair, feet on the floor. And I really love the idea of just looking around the room you’re in and just noticing, letting your body look for any active threats.
[00:25:47] And other than the fact that my trash is getting kind of full, there was, I don’t see any threats in my place. Um, so like, just let yourself notice that and that can bring you back. Like we’ve been kind of, you know, looking into different scenarios and I think it’s really good to come back to ourselves right now.
[00:26:06] And Rick, do you wanna go through that? The, the, the question you had in your. Um, the newsletter you sent out, I thought that was really good. Which one are you talking about? Well, like how, how on guard are you? Are this right this minute? Yeah. Well, I, I was gonna have, have us imagine doing something and like, how, how on guard are we?
[00:26:29] Okay. I well, can we do the right here, right now? Yeah. Right here, right now? Yeah. Once you keep, keep going. You’re on the, you’re in the zone. So like right here, right now, if we ignore the, the workshop part of it and just in the space where you happen to be, how on guard do you feel? Um, my family just came home.
[00:26:47] I heard the, the, uh, garage door go up and I’m feeling like there’s a, a higher level of on Godness That is, that is creeping up for me. Well, you’re your father and you have little ones that are, and I’m, I’m wanting to focus and like there’s. It’s just my own guard level is, is creeping up 4, 5, 6. And it’s starting to get up into that zone where there’s more of a, less of a vibe of calm confidence.
[00:27:18] So, but as I look around the room and actually feel into the family and kind of where everyone is, it feels pretty good. I, I can be back in my four five zone. Ok. Yeah. So we’d love for you to feel into where you actually are, look around the space you’re in, notice what your on guard level actually is in this space, and just notice that.
[00:27:42] And then take a, take a deep breath and just allow your logical brain, like we’re, we often look with our entire being like, there’s all this, this subconscious things going on, and just look around with your logical brain and for any danger that’s. . And what is, what does your logical brain evaluate? Your sh your on guard would be appropriate.
[00:28:03] Often that number is lower, but not always. So it’s like, often I feel in guard at like a, a six, but if I look around this face, there’s no reason for me to be above a three. There’s like nothing, nothing. No reason for me to be any higher . That’s a very good point.
[00:28:25] So I, I see some, so if you want to share like, um, actual versus, uh, logical or something, so we can track that. That’d be a little, Okay. Yeah, someone said it’d be rational for me to be a three. Um, but there, that person was at a five. Um, just to be clear, cuz we’re getting a couple of things in the comments.
[00:28:48] Um, what does zero mean now? Um, If you’re using zero, then I would say you’re using a fear scale. Like, whereas zero is, I’m not feeling any fear or threat or anything like that. I’m using a different scale because as someone said, it feels like I need to be a zero. Cuz that’s what, um, as if that is what’s normal.
[00:29:12] Um, it, we are, we are animals. We are designed to have alertness. Um, even when we sleep, we keep an ear out. Um, some people more than others. Um, so I’m gonna, I’m, I am inviting people to view like zero is when you’re freed of your earthly existence. Okay. And you don’t have anything to worry about anymore, um, for your earthly body.
[00:29:45] Um, So we’re, we’re putting a floor so that the range recognizes that, you know, you still want to be responsive, even if not vigilant. So if the smoke alarm goes on at night, but you are really just in a wonderful deep sleep at a wand, you’re gonna shift from a one to something else. If you’re not sleeping well, it can be that you’re not, you’re not going down to that one to three range where people fluctuate.
[00:30:23] Um, someone said at zero, Do we have a heartbeat? I think, yeah. Not, not on my scale. . Oh, not on your scale. Ok. . Um, now and again, this is a little different than how we’ve used scales in tapping. Um, this is, this is the activation, alertness, awareness, presence, um, uh, scale. Because I, I believe that, um, A lot of people want to get to this absence of fear and they never actually have that kinesthetic feeling of it.
[00:30:53] And when I was trying to do that, when calm confidence meant I wasn’t afraid of anything, I felt absolutely like on top of the world and nothing could go wrong. All I had to do was drive a car and see one anus driving right on my butt and like now my alertness level is up. Is that me? No. When I drive, I drive at about a four five, because I want to be alert and aware.
[00:31:26] I think that that’s good and healthy and appropriate. If I’m out on a country road, there’re bears in deer, maybe it’ll lower to a three or four at night. In fog it might go up to a six seven. Calm confidence to me says there’s a sweet range. Um, That we can, we can tap into. Um, and that will be palpable.
[00:31:49] Just like your heartbeat, your resting heartbeat is typically somewhere between 45 and 80 for each of us. Um, when you’re relaxed and chilled. And it’s unique for each person, depending on their, their genetics and the like. In the same way, if you’re calibrating your sweet spots, you get to know yourself like, Oh, I’m getting up in that range where I’m starting to get a little jittery.
[00:32:19] I can bring it back to a three or four here. Is this making sense? Yeah, I love it. Um, I think people are, there’s, people are rationally in two or three, but it’s, um, the numbers are, are higher than that. Uh, no current threat, but I feel an eight overall. Um, someone said, I, I feel three, but my mind jumps ahead to what if and that what if that’s very natural for people to kind of say what if happens?
[00:32:46] But I think a lot of us, if we’ve had trauma in our past that’s very active. It’s much more active than it needs to be. So when we hear, what if my tra so my recycling bin is piled a little higher than the, than the, than the top of the bin right now. I’m try tomorrow’s trash day. Um, so there’s part of my brain going, What if it all falls all over the floor and it makes a mess?
[00:33:07] And the bag grips and like my brain can go way down. That I, I think part of it is realizing, am I spending energy that’s useful? If it gets me to, you know, take the trash out and take care of it, great. But I think sometimes I’ll spend so much time going down all the possible what ifs, including the things that are infant decimally.
[00:33:27] Like there’s such a small chance of them happening and I’m planning so I can be prepared, but I’m burning a lot of energy and I’m reving my engine the whole time I’m doing it and it’s not necessarily helpful. Yeah. Even, even though I’ve tended to rev my en engine, even though I’ve tended to rev my engine and I can definitely focus on what ifs and I can definitely focus on what ifs.
[00:33:50] And that can be smart. And that can be smart. I’m wanting to learn a new skill. I’m wanting to learn a new skill. A skill of being able to target my alertness, a skill of being able to target my alertness up of the head. Well that would be different. That would be different eyebrow. I’d love to be able to calm myself.
[00:34:13] I’d love to be able to comb myself out of the eye to a, a place that feels, feels better to me. A place that feels better to me. A, a place that feels right for the actual circumstances. A place that feels right for the act. Actual circumstances under the nose. A part of me may be holding onto my own ness.
[00:34:36] A part of me may be holding onto my ownness, looking for things to activate, me, looking for things to activate me. How long it takes a lot of energy. It takes a lot of, to be an eight of the arm. And sometimes I have to imagine threats. Sometimes I have to imagine threats in order to stay at an eight, in order to stay at an eight.
[00:34:58] So nothing bad happens, so nothing bad happens. The head, I really wanna, I.
[00:35:14] Feel how true that is? Like I wanted a range. I want it to feel like when it’s time to, um, savor that I can, I can find that sweet spot when it’s time to be really present. Cuz maybe I’m moving fast. Maybe the, the terrain is, is, um, challenging and I want to be there. I want to climb that rock. I want to be up in that tree.
[00:35:40] I want to do something. I want to be amidst a group of people that I don’t know. And yet I still see when you get this range, the cool thing is for a lot of people, um, the range starts having this upper end that doesn’t, that still feels calm and confident. You feel. Activated alive aware, alert, you’re, it’s like that profound meditative state where you become aware of things.
[00:36:12] But the edge of on guardedness, if there’s not, if you’re not really talking about active threats for our primitive sp brain survival, you can relax into it. And, and that to me is the, is the target for this and taking these small, incremental steps. So I’m curious that we just did some tapping, How’s your alertness sitting here in your, in your space?
[00:36:39] Did it move at all? And if it didn’t move down or up, wherever your sweet spot is, um, what came up for you? What came up for you that might be the resistance to, to adjusting from an eight to a six, for example? While people are typing, I wanna add, our bodies kind of get addicted to the chemicals we get when we have a lot of stress.
[00:37:09] So sometimes there’s a little bit of like, Oh, I’m feeling calmer. That feels uncomfortable to me. I’m not used to feeling calmer. And our brain will go down the what if for, like, looking for danger even more to get that adrenaline. And there’s like, we get flooded with those chemicals. There is a little bit of a surge and we can get so used to it that relaxing feels we’re not, we’re not comfortable.
[00:37:31] So we may actually have to practice tolerating, feeling comfortable, tolerating, feeling low stress so that our system is like, Oh wait, I don’t know what this, this is, this is scary. What is actually a good thing for us? Um, I got a question. Can on guard manifest, um, in different ways than being scared? Yeah.
[00:37:55] So, um, I’m experienced what I would call resistance or withdrawing inside myself instead of what I think we’re talking about here. So, um, yes, if,
[00:38:16] let’s say that, um, in a situation where there are, um, people you don’t know around strangers, that your stranger danger is up at a 10. Okay? And that’s really like, it just so intense and experience for you to be on guard at a 10 that, um, you can just make a decision. I don’t do things like that. I don’t, I don’t go where, And so you end up the, the mere thought of going there.
[00:38:53] Will be enough to withdraw. Like no, I’m, that’s an on guardedness, you know, the reality is, is that if you were to go do that, you would feel on guard at such an uncomfortable level that you withdraw from the experience, withdraw from life in order to not overwork your system or to, to put it at a strain.
[00:39:17] And this is what I, I was referring to and, and also in one of the emails to everyone. Um, so thank you very much for the question. It,
[00:39:32] when we start with the things that are happening in our life, Where we’re feeling more on guard than is really our sweet spot. Logically, we look at it and go, you know, um, I do need to have a certain amount of on guard, but I, you know, three or four would be enough for me going down the stairs. I don’t need to be alert.
[00:39:52] Oh, I’ve got slippery socks on five or six. Okay. Um, but just for the time you’re walking, then you see, or just the time I’m walking, and then once I get my shoes on, well now I can calibrate back. You do that practice and then you’ll notice you’ll want to do something and you’ll, I, I’m guessing that you’ll feel that like, oh, that would be on guard at a 10 and this is where you can use the very beautiful human capacity of imagining, um, to, to take baby steps.
[00:40:27] Well, I imagine myself getting in the car. Okay. My own guard is at an eight driving, maybe a five or six would be better, more useful for my energy. A lot of times people have in the experience that, um, like just going out and getting in the car or getting on the highway, um, well now their on guard list went up to an eight.
[00:40:53] Well, that may be fine, but unless they have the skill where they’ve practiced it, when they arrive at the event, they never like sit in the car and let that eight drop back down to, well, my sweet spot for entering a, a space where I don’t know anyone is like a six. You know, I want to get the vibe of it.
[00:41:13] Like I want to get the vibe, you know, it’s okay for me to look around, look for the exits and things like that. But if you walk in at an eight and then you add two whole panic. Right. Does this make sense? We’re we’re energetic beings. If you turn up the volume from an eight to do some the next step in it, um, you’ve, it’s too much.
[00:41:38] And that’s where we can find ourselves aware of it. Like it’ll be too much if you’re driving along and you don’t know the way maybe, and you miss a turn. If you’re at a, at a three or four or five, you can go, Oh, I missed the turn. I’ll go to the next spot. I know that if I’ve been into nine or 10, I’m like, free.
[00:41:55] Yeah. And I don’t know that everybody’s safe at that point. Like, I’ve seen people swerve off to try to make the exit when there’s another exit they could have turned, turned around on in another mile and they’re at like risking their lives and others because they’re so like hypervigilant and so fixated on, Oh, I missed the exit.
[00:42:14] It’s the end of the world, if that makes sense. Like they’re not in the, their, their range is artificially high. Um, so they actually put themselves somewhat in danger. Um, and someone asked if, if it’s possible for people to have under numbers, and I think that’s absolutely possible. There’s such a thing as collapse, submit, or if we’re a small child and we learn that we just can’t, like, we kind of like, ugh, like the jack in the box.
[00:42:40] When you kind of push the thing like, Ugh, I can’t do it. So it’s like I give up and I’ll just accept whatever comes to me. So if you find that your guard is very low, when you think it should be a little higher, it’s, it’s good to look at that and say, Do I actually feel like I could protect myself? Is there something I can do?
[00:42:57] Or have I given up on this particular act? Like, do I feel like if someone yells at me, I’m just gonna fall on a ball on the cor in the corner and not try to defend myself or not try to get away? When we learn that, especially as little children, we’ve learned that we don’t have the resources to take care of something.
[00:43:16] As adults, we may have a lot of resources to take care of something. So I think it’s, it’s, there’s both po We can be too stressed and we can be under stressed, if that makes sense. And stress is not necessarily bad. There’s good stress. Like if we always just sat in our quiet little bubble, most of us would get really like bored after a while.
[00:43:34] We wouldn’t feel like we’re growing or being strong. We wanna have some good stresses in our lives, but we wanna make sure that we’re actually keeping the range in the appropriate place for what’s going on and not have it to be under like, like, Oh, I can’t do anything, so I’ll just accept when everything happens.
[00:43:51] Or I’m gonna be so stressed that I’m gonna over respond to what’s happening. Mm-hmm.
[00:43:58] Yeah. And, um,
[00:44:05] someone said, a part of me is wondering, is this possible, um, We also had a, Do I deserve to feel better? And that I thought, I think they’re both on the same. Like, um, um, I, I’m, I’m, I’m deeply aware that for those that have extremely high vigilance, that um, a 90 minute workshop is designed to, to give you an invitation and an exposure to some skills and processes.
[00:44:43] Um, if someone said, like, driving automatically kind of puts them in the an eight. So the, the skill of the practicing the skill is, Okay, I just got in the car. How am I more alert or more vigilant? I’m really like feeling vigilant. Okay, well what if I. And then that’s an eight. Let’s say, what if I was a seven?
[00:45:17] How would that change the way that I’m looking out the windows? You haven’t even started the car yet. Maybe you tap your collarbone. Like, just imagine like, okay, I’m in an eight, I’m about to drive, feel like I’m more hypervigilant than appropriately, Um, ready to be a driver, uh, unaware, alert driver of what’s going on around myself.
[00:45:49] And so if I’m in an eight now, how do my eyes look out the window? And if you have a window, you can look out the window and imagine like, okay, alright, I’m looking out the, now what I notice is that when I look out the window at a, at a 6, 7, 8, I focus, I will pick something like there’s, I. A Caterpillar tent in my tree.
[00:46:15] how dare it. I, I’m looking out the window at an eighth. The problem is, is that I’m, I miss everything else around the other windows and so like, oh, I noticed, like, I kind of, kind of hyper fixated on that. Wonder what a seven would be like. Oh, I actually have peripheral vision at a, I have peripheral vision at a seven.
[00:46:39] I don’t have to move my head quite as much. What about a six and a half? Oh, my jaw Relaxed a little bit and drive it a six and a half or a start and have that as your sweet spot, you know? Oh, I’m up to an eight. Cuz that, that car, I didn’t see it. Okay, so peripheral vision, you start like, how would I hold the wheel?
[00:47:06] If I’m at an eight, how do I hold the wheel? What about a 6.5? So I walked down the stairs. I, I fell down the stairs twice with my daughter, um, when she was young. Four o’clock in the morning. I’m taking her downstairs. Uh, I had slippers on, Guess what? Slippers are slippery. Um, I don’t have those slippers anymore.
[00:47:29] I have socks with grips on them. Um, but it took me a while to calibrate the level of, of vigilance cuz it went up to. After that, after the second one, I was stuck at a, a nine. Like I was going down so carefully that it actually wasn’t as safe as being more present and, and fluid, and I needed to practice that little incremental, I needed to tap on the, the trauma and the fear that that was there.
[00:48:00] Like, is she okay? You know, she’s less than a year old when that happened. Um, my own judgment, I shouldn’t have looked down even though she pointed, you know, Um, there was a lot of noise and, but going down the stairs, carrying a small child is a good five six for me. Like I’ve decided that’s a good sweet spot.
[00:48:22] I pause at the top of the stairs. I kind of get my balance. I feel into like, you know, how strong and energy I have, and then I take steps. I keep my, my eyes in a certain place. Um, and I haven’t fallen since I hope. I hope that that makes sense. Like we, we can get thrown out of calibration, but the skill level is noticing where I am as I’m, I’m just so anxious.
[00:48:53] I feel like I’m gonna like give it a number because a number brings your logical brain into it. And then feel what it might feel like just as an increment lower. Yeah. Do you wanna do a tapping before we take our quick break, Kathy? And then we’ll, yeah. Um, so someone asked about driving. I think it’s a great example because many of us drive and we find that stressful.
[00:49:16] So I’m just, if it’s okay, I’m just gonna go there and just invite you to just imagine that you’re in your car. Take a nice deep breath
[00:49:29] and I’d like you just to feel for a moment how you would like to feel when you drive. Ideally, you know, maybe grounded, calm, general, like alert, but not like, Hurting yourself. Just imagine you’re driving in a place you know and notice how, how, what would you like to feel? And then tune into what you actually feel when you drive.
[00:49:54] And I’m gonna do lead the tapping for it being. Most people are probably more vigilant than they need to be, but if you’re under your welcome to change the words karate chop, even though I tend to tune up my vi vigilance, even though I tend to tune up my vigilance and I’m more on guard than I’d like to be, and I’m more on guard when I drive, when I than I’d like to be.
[00:50:14] I’m open to finding new ways to relax and be really present. I’m open to finding new ways to be relaxed and present. I think I’m actually safer when I’m relaxed and present. I’m actually safer when I’m relaxed and present top of the head. I’ve been practicing being on guard for a long time. I’ve been practicing being on guard for a long time.
[00:50:40] I eyebrow my muscles for hypervigilance are very strong. My muscles for hypervigilance are very strong side of the eye. What if I just practiced relaxing for 10 seconds? What if I just practiced relaxing a little tiny bit for 10 seconds under the eye? While I’m still in the driveway? I’m still in the driveway?
[00:51:03] Who does? It might feel uncomfortable to my body. It might feel uncomfortable to my body. Jen, I haven’t practiced this before. I haven’t practiced this before collarbone, but at one time, tying my shoelaces, it’s really hard too. Yeah, me at one time, tying my shoe laces was really hard and there, what if I just practiced being calm and present when I drove?
[00:51:31] What if I practice being calm and present when I drove? Top of the head. I bet I could get pretty good at this in time. I bet I could get pretty good at this in time. And I’m curious how fa, how long it’ll take me. I’m curious how long it’ll take me. Just take a nice breath and like even if you wa I’ve been doing this some for practicing with my myself on things that I wanna shift.
[00:51:54] Like literally taking a drive around the block in a very safe space and the like in a good time when it’s not raining or slippery or dark or whatever. And just like, okay, I’m gonna practice in the driveway and I’m just gonna drive around the block and just notice. And if I need to pull over and relax, just letting my system kind of switch.
[00:52:13] The lot of people call it split screen. Okay, here’s the very vigilant, here’s the relaxed, kind of letting myself shift back and forth. That means, okay, if a car comes out of nowhere, I can shift very quickly into that more alert. , but I don’t have to drive that way all the time. So, and just like practicing that a little, it’s often very surprisingly quick, our system wants to use the least amount of energy it can to keep us safe.
[00:52:39] It wants to use that other energy for enjoying life and renewing and everything. So if we start giving it a pathway in a little practice, we can sometimes shift very quickly. And if not, there’s probably some traumas there that need to get resolved. And the, as Rick said, the circle’s a great place to do that.
[00:52:56] Thanks. Well, if you’re watching the recording, welcome. Um, we’re gonna take a quick, uh, seven minute break. Um, use that time however feels right to your body, mind, and spirit. Um, and then we’ll be back.
[00:53:15] Welcome back. Ah, and as these things go, I had a little experience during our, our break that I’d like to share. So, um, I’m auditorily sensitive, so auditory information that comes to me, um, carries a lot of impact and a lot of information that’s useful in my work. Um, my daughter woke up, she was sleeping in the car, the car’s in the garage.
[00:53:48] Mom was, um, in, in the other room and she woke up and I, we both heard her wake up, but she’s crying out. Mom was heading out to take care of her. Now, my daughter’s cry is naturally supposed to get me to respond. What I notice is that, um, In this practice it now, like it started going, I was downstairs, I was pretty chill.
[00:54:23] It was about a two or three. Started going 3, 4, 5, 6. Like it started going up. And by pausing I could, I could. Mom is on the way, everything’s fine. This is normal for her. When she wakes up, she tends to cry whether you’re with her or not. Um, and my vigilance level could very quickly come back down.
[00:54:58] And I will say that, um, I had, I’ve had to consciously practice this and I get a lot of practice cuz I work at home. That being activated. And not shutting it down, but really tuning into what’s real, what’s happening. Does it have my name on it? Um, and so there’s a quality of attunement. The rising of your alertness level has information in it.
[00:55:34] It could be really sensible. A lot of people that are trying to force themselves to be not anxious lose that. And that’s why this is the skill to me is like I have a range of awareness and alertness. It may like a sudden noise, may have me jump to an eight, what’s going on? And it’s how we become savvy at bringing it back down or keeping it at the right level.
[00:56:04] I might peak to an eight, but actually I have to take care of something. Which was true this morning, which was true yesterday, um, with a cry. It had my name on it, you know, And so there might be the activation energy to get up and move and tend to it. And then once everything’s checked out, it could be, I actually can calm myself down.
[00:56:28] Um, that’s, is it possible if it, if I can get my nervous system to do this way, I’m wired. Um, I, yeah, I believe, I believe it’s possible. Um, and yeah, it’s the, it really starts helping you feel like you can be responsive more than reactive. And when you react, because it’s a sudden thing that comes into your, your vision or your hearing or your body that you can, um, You can find the, the, the sweet spot where you’re using your energy in a way that, um, is useful and beneficial to your, your wellbeing, your survival, your wellbeing.
[00:57:14] Okay. I love that. I thought that was really helpful for me too, to hear that. And I’d love, if it’s okay, I’d love to leave it tapping because a lot of times we learn things when we’re very little. Yeah. And I’m just, I, I love watching Rick’s daughter ad because she’s just this adorable being, but she’s like fearless in some ways that I’m like, Oh, like
[00:57:36] Oh, that’s gonna not go well. And for some of us, we grew up in families that were much less safe than the one Rick and Jim create for Aira, where we might have learned to be fearful. And we may not need to be quite as fearful now. So if it’s okay, I’d like to just lead a tapping on that. So I invite you to take a nice deep breath, feet on the ground.
[00:57:59] Yeah. Karate chop. I wonder how much of my fear setting is based on being little. I wonder how much of my fear settings are based on being little. Huh. I have to be a lot more careful when I’m a very little kid. I have to be a lot more careful when I’m a little kid. I’m not quite as dextrous, not quite as dextrous.
[00:58:23] I don’t have as much experience. I don’t have as much experience, and I’m just a little more fragile, and I’m a little more fragile. How many of my settings are set from when I was little? How many of my settings are still set from when I was little? And how might I move them if I know, realize that I’m big and strong now, and how might I move them if I know I’m bigger and stronger and more resource now top of the head.
[00:58:54] I have a lot more experience right now. I do have a lot more experience now. Eyebrow. Aira often thinks it’s fun to dance on the edge of the couch. Aira often thinks it’s fun to dance on the edge of the couch, not of the eye. I don’t often dance on the edge of the couch. I. Not usually caught dancing on the edge of the couch under the eye.
[00:59:16] My childhood experiences might have been more traumatic than Aira is. My childhood experiences might have been more traumatic than Aira is under the nose, and I might have set my on guard ranges really high,
[00:59:34] and I might have set my on guard ranges really high. Jen, what if I let my brain realize that my body has grown up? What if I let my brain realize that my body has grown up collarbone and I have a lot more resources and experiences to guide me through? I have a lot more resources than experiences to guide me through, and then I just invite my brain to reevaluate where the guarding needs to be.
[01:00:05] I invite my brain to reevaluate where the guarding needs to. Top of the head. I wonder if it really needs to be as high as I said it. Pretty sure it doesn’t need to be quite as high as I said it. Just take a nice deep breath and I just threw in some more wonderings cuz that’s something that, um, a very famous hypnotherapist and therapist used to do.
[01:00:28] He would do, um, kind of wonderings and just let your body come up with the answer because, you know, this is something that’s set in the subconscious often. So if we just set those wonderings in there, sometimes they just kind of percolate in the background and a couple days later you might notice something different and that’s pretty cool.
[01:00:50] Ah, and life will give you examples of this like today, tomorrow, this week, um, you might have dreams about it.
[01:01:02] We, Cathy and I are practical engineers where we kind of view a thriving life as something that, you know, there’s skills and tools and some engineering. So the process here really is like, Oh, I’m noticing, I’m pretty darn tense about the boy climbing up the tree, . He’s very adventurous. So I’ve, I’ve seen him just like, go in.
[01:01:25] I’m like, Oh, now, now he actually, from the time he was ADA’s age, and Aira is getting this training now, his, he’s been trained by his mother about maintaining points of contact and looking for paths up and paths down, and evaluating the strength. He’s actually really quick at. And his level of alertness, awareness and skill actually is a pretty darn good match for climbing 30 feet in the top of a tree.
[01:01:59] Okay. Answer. Not as good. I try not to express my fear and then transfer that to Well, and that’s, and that’s what I’m talking about. So like in that, that’s a complex sort of situation, but for me, um, my vigilance is best in that circumstance at about a four or five, where I’m just noticing is he being alert?
[01:02:26] I know enough about the skill of tree climbing to notice whether he’s he’s in it or not. Does, how do I feel about this now? Like if I’m calm and confident, do I still feel it’s okay? Is this, is this feeling like this tree at this moment is something that I can, I have the energy to support and be calm and confident while he does it?
[01:02:48] He may be very skillful, but maybe I don’t have that resource. Mm-hmm. now if I’m, if I’m owning my, my own resource, that way it can be like, Hey buddy, I’m just feeling too on guard, um, for, for me to relax while you’re climbing this tree. And if your mom was here, maybe it would be different. But, um, and we have an agreement in our family if the adult that’s responsible is, doesn’t feel that they can handle something, even if the child’s convinced that they can do it safely.
[01:03:18] Um, That, that’s one of the things that we, we honor, you get detail power, but I, I could picture myself as you, we were tapping as a younger child and um, not being alert enough when I was playing around in the tree and falling out and that. So like, I’m actually picturing, I loved being in trees, like I loved being in trees and there’s a a point at which I stopped climbing a certain more than a certain.
[01:03:50] And I started feeling more vigilant. So it’s gonna be interesting. Um, there’s a tree, um, that you can just kind of like sit in its branch and then you can kind of stand on that branch and kind of feel for how vigilant you are. And even as I’m practicing the visualization of it, I can notice that, you know, sitting on that branch, you know, a three is really would be a sweet spot.
[01:04:12] I could really enjoy the feel of being you don’t wanna pass out and fall off or like, okay. And then as I, as I stand up on that branch, well now four or five, um, there’s a point at which my skill, uh, would start like being on edge. Um, and I think there is a point where it means like if we feel nervous about something, it’s okay to ask, Do I have the skills for this?
[01:04:35] Cause your body might, or your brain might be going, Ah, I haven’t practiced this enough and I need to, like, Gem has worked with the kids since they were born to help them climb and be very dextrous. So deer climbs, ladders that I wouldn’t go up. Right. And this, I think, takes us to, one of the things that I also, um, one of the, one of the things that stops people from doing things that they want to do and be thriving, um, is this level of on, on guard us.
[01:05:05] Um, there’s also a quality of, of preparation and resilience. So, for example, um, I, I know people that talk about what they’re going to do and what they’re gonna publish and what they’re gonna put out on social media, but they never actually do it. Mm-hmm. . And if we have the kind of relationship where, whether professionally it’s easier, but sometimes with friends you can say, Hey, what do you imagine is gonna happen that’s gonna be, um, like beyond you to, to cope with?
[01:05:39] And they say, Well, you know, I, I just can’t handle criticism. Well, if you’re gonna post on social media and you just can’t handle criticism, it’s really normal for your on ness to get high enough that you procrastinate. Mm-hmm. . So I, I wanted to put that out there because our emotional resilience as, as emotional freedom coaches, we look at like, what’s the emotional resilience that you’re going to need If you’re gonna climb a tree, you need to have the, a certain amount of strength and balance and skill.
[01:06:15] Uh, you know, it’s, you know, it’s different if you’re just climbing a tree to get away from a bear. Not a good plan actually, cuz they’re better climbers. Um, but if you’re, if you’re going to be out there, um, and put something out into any context where you’re gonna share it, but your nervous system can’t hand feels like, um, criticism is the end of the world.
[01:06:41] Um, , that’s where you will find like your on guardedness won’t come down because, uh, you actually aren’t resilient enough. So we’re going to take in, in our coaching work, we take care of the like, Yeah, course they’re gonna criticize. I criticize. It’s okay. It’s not the end of the world. Oh. But when they criticize me, that was horrible.
[01:07:07] We do tapping and engage around it. So that criticism is maybe part of the ecosystem, but it’s not what really matters to us. You develop some, some psychological skill. Uh, I get criticism, Kathy gets criticism. Um, I have a number of different ways that I like, handle that energy without it like impacting my soul and shutting me down.
[01:07:30] And, um, that’s also possible. But if you’re noticing you’re on godness, not coming down, it could be like, what, what emotional skill do I feel like I need more of? Um, uh, what, um, what physical skill might I need more of in order to feel like, um, my on godness isn’t just life psych, psyche protection, um, life protection.
[01:07:58] I think that too sometimes I’ve been, I’ve had stress because I’ve been, I’ve had to, because of life, things push faster than my system was really ready to adjust to. Like, if I could have taken in baby steps, I could have probably navigated much better. But if I’m having to take huge steps for time, deadlines or whatever, having more resources and humans around me, more support, there’s other ways we can support ourselves if we recognize that.
[01:08:23] So if we have the skills to do something, but it still feels overwhelming. Is there a way to slow down? Is there a way to give ourselves more support? Is there a way to give ourselves breaks or other things like that? So I love that the, the skillset is very important. If we don’t have the skillset to do it, it’s gonna be feel impossible anyway.
[01:08:42] But there are other ways you can get resources. I’ve helped a number of people with their taxes because it was so scary for them. I did emotional support for their taxes and I’m also pretty good with numbers. So I was able to kind of guide them forward and that helped them get things done that they wouldn’t have been able to face otherwise.
[01:08:59] And they actually, we had to outsource some of it cuz they didn’t wanna get the skill set. They’re like, No, I don’t ever wanna learn how to do this. I’m like, Okay, , you get some of it, do this for you. But you still have to gather the data kinda thing out of the hand. Even though I’ve been on guard about a lot of things in my life, even though I’ve been on guard about a lot of things in my life.
[01:09:18] The things that matter, the things that matter, I want skill around. I want skill around to be able to engage. To be able to engage with surprising calm confidence, even with surprising calm confidence. Even being on guard gives me information. Lean and guard gives me information top of the head. Being on guard gives me information.
[01:09:41] Lean and guard gives me information eyebrow. I want to get the information. I wanna get the information under of the eye, and I wanna be clear and I wanna be clear under the eye, what does this actually mean to me? What does this actually mean to me? Under those, what is the actual threat? What is the actual threat?
[01:09:59] Jen, is it an actual threat to my life? Is an actual threat to my life? , is it an actual threat to my psyche? Is that’s my psyche, my self image, my self image, my identity, my identity under the arm. Those are all big deals. Those are all big deals,
[01:10:21] and I want to be clear. And I wanna be clear up ahead, and I want to be calm and confident too. And I wanna be calm and confident too.
[01:10:34] I love how you broke that down too, because I think when we’re at an 8, 9, 10, 11, it’s sometimes hard to break down and say what? Like we can be so vigilant and so tense that we’re not like, What is it that I’m actually afraid of? What am I actually think will happen? What do I actually need to get through this?
[01:10:53] And if we can calm ourselves down a little, someone recommended before breathing practices, can we really good? Or you do a four, you can do square breathing, or you can do slower exhale than inhale. There’s ways to help our bodies so soothe down a little. We have the opportunity at that point to go, Oh, when I was three, falling out of her 30 foot tree would’ve been not good for.
[01:11:14] You know, like, that makes sense. Maybe I don’t have to climb a 30 foot tree even as an adult. Or maybe I get a real, like harness or like, what do I need to start feeling safe about this? Do I need more training or whatever it is. Or do I not wanna climb the tree? Yeah. Um, yeah.
[01:11:33] Lots of yawning on that last one. That’s always great. It’s a good sign of relaxing and releasing things. Mm-hmm. . So again, an invitation tuned to something that you’d like to do maybe this week. Um, that’s not such a huge step that it would require, you know, ginormous change in your life. Something that feels like you are more on guard.
[01:12:02] You’re just aware, like, I’d like to do that, but I’m actually feeling more on guard. It’s kind of pushing it away. And what I’d like is clarity, not a, I don’t have to do it, but I’d like a little more clarity from a place of, of awareness rather than on guardedness. Does that make sense? Mm-hmm. . So
[01:12:29] you can pick, you can feel into your number and sometimes the number doesn’t come with much body reaction. Like the thing I’m imagining that my number is an eight. My body feels like pretty chill. I think mostly because it’s saying, Well, I’m not gonna let that happen. Um, no chance. Yeah. We’re not going, we’re not going back to contact improv dance.
[01:12:55] Um, so that’s the side that like what, or someone brought up earlier. You don’t have to necessarily be scared or panicked or anxious about it. We can just be like, withdrawn.
[01:13:12] So, how do I want, how do you want to feel? And I’m, I’m gonna put out a number, like four to five. If you’re, if you’ve been above, if you’re above that, if you’re at a four or five, maybe pick a three, four and tap your collarbone and imagine yourself like, Huh, how would I be sitting right now if instead of an eight about that I was at five?
[01:13:41] Free, free to choose, free to be clear, no pressure one way or the other. What aware of all the different, aware of the dynamics, what it would ask of me and my energy, how it fits with what I’m really wanting in my life right now. Oh, some of the emotional uncertainty about it. Okay.
[01:14:16] Yeah. So at an eight it felt very different. Now it’s starting to, I’m starting to be more matter of fact, like my, it’s not just my, my brain and visual looking at it internally, but my heart and my gut are starting to come online. Uh, you can en encourage that by like taking your hands and rubbing your, rubbing your heart or holding your lower belly, um, feeling your feet on the floor.
[01:14:46] These are grounding exercises. Um, and. When we’re up at an 8, 9, 10, very hard to be grounded. It’s not what our nervous system is saying is smart. At a five, it’s like grounded. Okay, I’m here. Uh, um, and how does it look? If it moved at all or even if it didn’t move at all, how’s it, has it changed and how it looks, feels or sounds to you?
[01:15:24] I think sometimes using it on small things can be useful. I was using it on taking out the trash cuz I need to take out the trash tonight. And I realized that during Covid I would go out, I’d be really, I’d like look both ways. Make sure there were no humans coming. Like there was a lot, lot more risk for me, like I was going where humans could interact with me and I didn’t, won’t necessarily wanna wear my mask just out to the front of the, the garage driveway.
[01:15:46] And I’m realizing I’m still carrying some of that stress. And I was just like, what if I just took the trash out? I don’t have to like one, there’s not a lot of traffic right now, but there’s, there’s not a lot of people out there. But I don’t have to be so alert. I’ve had my booster, I’m like, okay, if I accidentally like cross paths with someone, I’m not gonna heal over with Covid.
[01:16:07] So I don’t know, just, I like the idea of practicing this with my brain. Like, oh, this task that seems like it’s a little high. My, my range seems a little high for me. Can I bring it down? Just like the tapping you just did. That was great. And being, being. Allowing your, I believe our inte our emotions have intelligence and that they want to find a sweet spot, a thriving spot for us.
[01:16:36] Um, they’re willing to be alert to provide support for our primitive brain survival, but the primitive brain can really lock us into a lot of things that are over strained, not very thriving. If you take anything in your life today, tomorrow, this week, and you are just, you’re aware, hey, I’m, I’m holding some of that old tension that felt really smart and right for me, you know, vigilance back then out and about, but right now, a six, I can empty the trash.
[01:17:10] I can take out the recycling at a six, I think, and if it, if it goes up, that’s fine. But I’m going to imagine myself as I, as I go over to the door. As I take that first look, we did a workshop on the Powerful pause, uh, highly invite, highly recommend and invite that one because it, it embodies the moment where you pause as you make a transition.
[01:17:34] I pause at the door, I pause as I take a step outside. I pause as I take the, as I look around my environment and I, I calibrate myself. Um, you will get to a place. I believe that you’re, you will have recalibrated and you’ll be able to fluctuate in a way that feels more natural, less like I believe that our, our being notices when we’re over strained or over, over vigilant, over strained, over anxious, um, in a way that is, is calling the question.
[01:18:14] Like, Oh yeah, I’m kind of in that upper range. It’s not moving. It’s okay. At least I’m aware of it. When I go inside and I’m safe again after the recycling, maybe I’ll take an extra three minutes to breathe. And so I went all the way up to an eight instead of a six. I wanna at least come back down into my zone for the couch.
[01:18:34] You know, my couch zone. Is this a comfy couch? I like, I like my, I like my oh kitty. Um, uh, there’s a, there’s a range and you feel yourself come back in. So even if you were hyper on a walk or a drive or something else, you get good at unwinding that. Um, Yeah, I love that. And we’re, Do you wanna bring us to a close, Kathy?
[01:19:04] Yeah, you do that so beautifully. I love if you just take a breath and notice that you gave yourself this last hour and a half with really cool people all working on the same thing. And if you would just give yourself some appreciation, some warmth. Imagine maybe your hands feeling full of love and appreciation and kind of like soothing on your heart or any part of your body that feels stressed.
[01:19:32] And know that you did something really good for yourself. You opened doorways, asked yourself questions, gave yourself some skill sets that you might not have had before, and this is something that’s gonna serve you not just for the rest of today, but for the rest of your life. If you do a little bit of practice and anchor this, it can change the trajectory of your life so that you’ll have more ease.
[01:19:57] You’ll have room for more rest and digest and more play, and you can spend your energy on things that are really worthwhile when there’s time when you, if you need to really be on guard, you’ll have the energy and bandwidth to do it. So if you can just really appreciate yourself, you did an awesome job.
[01:20:16] You chose to spend your time here with us, giving yourself this, and just like, Wow, you rock.
[01:20:25] Thank you. Thank you all. Um, and we continue, uh, if you’re finding this, um, through a Google search or, um, however this has been shared with you and you’re not familiar with us thriving now.com uh, slash subscribe, we’ll add you to our list. We have a community center and it’s, um, it’s a good place to practice, um, sharing and feeling calm and confident, uh, in a, in a zone where the space is being held by our circle and many of the people that are part of our community that really value a space where people can share something that’s artistic or edgy for them and be received in a way that allows their.
[01:21:14] There being to be more calm, confident about being in their artistry. So thriving now.com/uh, thriving now.center is our community center. So thank you, Kathy. Thank you all. Such a pleasure. Thank you. Bye for now.

We covered…

  • Being “on guard” is normal – as a range awareness, alertness, vigilance
  • Being “over vigilant” (meaning more than is actually needed for the situation in order to be safe) is HARD on our body/mind.
  • Exercises to explore how vigilant we feel 1-10 (11?) and what “setting” would actually fit the situation.
  • Trauma can stick us on High ALERT… or can even leave us feeling collapsed and submitting. Trauma Relief helps then to support recalibrating our nervous system.
  • Zero (0) is not actually a setting on this scale we’re exploring while we’re alive. This isn’t “absence of fear” – it’s the level of activation we’re experiencing in our body (a felt sense we can observe) contrasted with what would be sweeter (or less long term damaging) for us.
  • Calm Confidence can be ours across this spectrum. In truly threatening situations it keeps more of our resources available to us compared to terror and panic (primitive brain taking over).

Resources Mentioned

  1. Free EFT Tapping Guide

  2. Thriving Now Emotional Freedom Circle

  3. Grounding Exercises

Great to have you on this journey with us!

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will you be having another one of these? I recently went into a psych ward bc the voices are so harsh and so much worry that i feel like i cannot function well…thanks

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Hi Dani, when things are really on edge and we’re getting professional mental health support, taking it slowly can be really supportive of our nervous system. For example, watch the first 3 minutes of the replay above and pause. Get up and move away from the computer. See how you’re feeling, Tap and breathe. Feel whether it is a YES to continue for another 3 minutes.

This work is meant as self-care and community support. If that’s contraindicated for where you are right now, please stay safe. Tapping CAN be too much for people at times. That’s okay. Sometimes I need to self-regulate in other ways.

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