A leaking bucket gets our attention. It doesn’t take a big hole for water in the bucket to end up all over the floor – where then we get to clean it up! It’s worse if the bucket was carrying yucky stuff.
Same is true for our energy system – leaks get our attention – whether we recognize it or not.
I used to get this email from a guy that did internet marketing. Obviously my business depends on the internet. All new community members and clients come through the internet. So OF COURSE I am interested in ways to be more effective. Right?
Only one huge problem. Every time I read one of this guy’s emails, I felt like I wasn’t doing “enough.” And what I was doing now, if I didn’t change it soon, was destined to fail.
He does know his stuff. He’s created numerous million-dollar online businesses. But what I realized was that he was depleting my confidence… and in doing so was getting me to pay attention.
Like the leaking bucket, when our energy is being depleted, a part of our primitive brain goes: “ALERT! Fix this or ELSE!!”
Unsubscribing from his emails made me feel much more full! Over time I found other teachers who better fit my heart-centered approach to marketing.
Asserting that we should “just unsubscribe from anything that doesn’t give us joy” is insufficient. Like clearing clutter, it’s useful to discover the underlying emotions that kept us “hooked” in the first place (and clear them using EFT Tapping).
I tapped on respecting that yes, I wanted to grow… and accepting that his way was not my way. Unsubscribing was my way of tending to the truth that his energy and approach was depleting me.
Same is true of a guitar teacher I know is awesome. He inspired me for a couple years. Yet as my attention has moved back to the piano, getting those guitar lessons by email was TAKING energy, not GIVING energy. In other words… depleting.
Then there’s social media. For about 3 months I found myself hooked by Instagram. It started with looking at a friend’s posts. But then the Depleting for Attention Algorithm took over.
I would assert that underlying every social media algorithm in use today is a recognition that if they deplete us through outrage, envy, being weirded out, being repulsed, being excited, being turned on, and getting us longing for what we don’t have… our calm confidence gets depleted, our attention stays far longer than is healthful, and they can more easily sell to us.
Deleting Instagram freed up time, energy, and activated a desire to read thoughtful books more than scroll my way through life.
Cathy and I want to make a difference to those we hold dear. In order to have the kind of emotional resource that requires means we really DO have to tend to ourselves in two ways:
- Nourish ourselves in ways that feel juicy and sweet.
- Notice and then stop or modify engagements that deplete us.
Are you wanting more energy for what matters in your life? If so, and this topic feels useful to you, do join us for Are They Juicy for My Life?
P.S. Our Circle Membership - now available for
a one-time payment on a gliding scale.
Circle Members get all Real Skills Workshops (and much more)!
This donation based EFT Tapping and Coaching session is 90 minutes long and is designed to help us rebalance and focus our energy in ways that support healthy relating and co-creating.
It can be hard to turn away from engagements that no longer serve our thriving. It doesn’t mean we have to “cut ourselves off forever.” The right distance right depth can often be found… and we can also (sometimes) plug the leaks…
We hope you’ll join us!
Rick & Cathy
Your Emotional Freedom Coaches
Schedule Private, Gliding Scale Coaching Sessions Here
P.S. Adira says, “My bucket does not have a leak. It has dirt. I tried it. Not juicy.”
Personal relationship changes are sacred decisions for me. And… time and attention are a scarce resource for us all.
It doesn’t mean the person is a “bad person” or even “bad for us” if we put less energy (or no energy) into the relationship moving forward.
Why would we do this? To free up time and attention to finding, deepening, and growing the relationships that ARE juicy for us!
And here’s a little secret: relationships can ripen and become juicy with fresh agreements and shared intentions. (Not always, of course, but sometimes!)
Are you wanting freshened and juicy relationships? If so, we came together for Are They Juicy for My Life?
P.S. Our Circle Membership - now available for
a one-time payment on a gliding scale.
Circle Members get all Real Skills Workshops (and much more)!
This donation based EFT Tapping and Coaching session is 90 minutes long and is designed to help us rebalance and focus our energy in ways that support healthy relating and co-creating.
We hope you’ll join us!
We welcome your insights, ah-ha’s, and sharing. Please! Click [Reply]
Click for Computer Generated Transcript
Are They Juicy For My Life?
[00:00:00] Are they juicy for my life? Hmm. What an interesting question. I’m here with Kathy. Tuli from the intimacy dojo and thriving now. And what gets you to ask this question, Kathy? Um, I think one of the things I love about the work and we do here and of people that come to these kinds of cause is we’re questioning the things that a lot of people take for granted.
[00:00:28] And I, I have friends around me that have like, they’ve had the same friends since high school or college, and they may be added a few more in, but there’s kind of an inertia. They just keep going along with the life, as it is versus saying, what could make this life even better or what could make this friendship even better.
[00:00:46] And I think that I, I love digging into this because we don’t. One of, we have some things that are finite in our life. We only have so many hours in the day. Um, we only have so much energy to do things and focus to spend on people. And if our, if our bench is filled with people that are not juicy to our lives, Would there may not be a lot of room or focus or time for other people to come in.
[00:01:10] Maybe, you know, sometimes life will create that we’re at a job where we’re interacting a lot, but unless outside forces kind of conspire to bring something, someone new in our lives, a lot, a lot of people are very passive about who they have in their lives. And one of the things that I. it was, uh, John Rosak who’s from radical honesty was talking about how he co he uses it as a sign of a type of self care to cultivate the kind of people that inspire him in his life.
[00:01:41] So it’s a very, he’s very consciously filling his bench with people that are, are juicy to his life. He doesn’t use that particular term, but I was like, oh, I like that. And then is supposed to being like, passively, like, oh, I don’t have any friends that are really inspiring me. It’s like, where can I go and meet these people?
[00:02:01] How can I bring, how can I con consciously cultivate that? And then the question is for, for each of us, have to answer this for ourselves because it’s very personal. What, what is juicy? Like what, what, what would be inspiring to have in our lives? What do we wanna fill our bench with? If we only have so many seats of people that we can really be invested in, what are we looking for that will leave us feeling fulfilled?
[00:02:27] Mm-hmm and I, you know, as I go through life and I get more and more aware, I’m realizing that the days I have lunch with a friend, I feel a lot more vital and alive and resourced than days when I’m just kind of pushed through and get work done. So like, I think it is a nutrient that we can bring into our lives consciously to have people that really help us feel alive and inspired and safe and whatever it is we’re looking for in our lives.
[00:02:51] What is it we’re trying to.
[00:02:55] So one of the things that you can look at is like, if you’ve had a relationship in the past or have one, now that really does nourish you, um, what is about that relationship in, in the emotional world? I think often gives us clues, whereas the, um, oh, we sew together. Okay. Well, that’s the doing part of it for as emotional freedom coaches.
[00:03:29] One of the things we invite is, and that helps me feel what, um, so you can look at. Relationships that are, um, nourishing in some way. Now maybe, maybe there’s part of it that really is not nourishing, but we invite you now to, to do a little bit of an inventory of like, oh, well, in relationships, I find this feeling, uh, nourishing this energy may be another way of putting it, like the energy between people.
[00:04:10] What is, what do you find meaningful nourishing rich. Um, spicy, um, soothing, you know, um, and, and sometimes when our brain, our primitive brain will kick in and go like, well, this is the relationship that I’m here for this call for. And it is not juicy. They are not juicy to my life. And you can look at well, okay, because it, it doesn’t have this, or it has this when I’m wanting this and the extent to which you’re willing to share.
[00:04:50] Some of those things would be awesome in the chat. And I invite you to be as mindful and present tense, as you can. You may have decided when you were younger, what you thought was juicy for your, like, my, my, a good friend would do X, Y, Z. That doesn’t mean that’s what you need right now. that may not be what is we?
[00:05:10] We, we evolve as humans. We may need something different than we needed 10, 20, 50 years ago. So I invite you to just feeling, really get present with your body and notice what makes your heart feel warm or makes your, your brain light up or your, you feel like you wanna lean forward and learn, you know, be, be closer to that person.
[00:05:36] Hmm. And if you think you’ll write it down later, you’re probably lying to yourself. . So if you wanna write in the, and we do have people that don’t write, but they, yeah, they don’t have to do inner inventory, but I, I just like to call out, I’m calling out myself as much as anything. Cuz my cognitive brain is our, our brains are lazy inherently.
[00:05:56] They don’t wanna burn fuel. So they’re, they’re often looking for ways to delay or distract doing quote unquote work, thoughtful work. And so my brain is always like, oh, it’ll be easier to do it later. And it’s lying. It’s it thinks it thinks it, but it’s wrong.
[00:06:21] And sometimes we can be inspired by other people. We have people that shared kindness, thoughtfulness, nonjudgmental, nourishing. Funny. Another nonjudgmental. When you put nourishing me, think about sit. You can think if you can get more definitive, how do you feel nourished? what kind of people are leaving?
[00:06:42] You feel nourished right. And feeling renourished right now. Mm. Um, for me often it’s a presence. Like, are they actually there with me or are they kind of making mental lists of things they need to do later? Are they willing to be with the feelings they’re having with me? Or, you know, be present if I’m sharing something that’s challenging?
[00:07:01] Are they willing to be present with me or are they trying to like, oh no, you get over it’s okay. Like they don’t want to be there. So, um, let’s see. Spontaneous hugs, unexpected jokes and prompted impromptu dancing out of the blue. There’s Rick for you. Let’s see. It’s it’s scrolling. Um, let’s see, people are interesting and fun and can go deep in a subject that we’re both interested in.
[00:07:30] Mm-hmm someone who reads me a book before we go to bed. I love that people are curious and in question humor, uh, people that love human. Someone said, I love human touch hugs, snugs cuddles, words of affirmation being in the present moment, sharing how they feel open and present, witty and energetic, deep conversations.
[00:07:54] Sweet words. Um, witnessing. uh, someone else said for me, it’s all about energy flow, the non-verbal relationship with verbal exchange, it’s mutual caring, a kind way of challenging my thoughts, someone who’s consistent and clear, uh, consistent and clear communicator. So feel free to borrow. If you hear some of the ones or read some of the ones there and you’re like, oh, it’s not a contest.
[00:08:20] There’s not a limit. Oh, I got, I got the clear communication. You can’t have it. Um, we’re in a circle, partly because we were drawn together for various reasons. I love the energetic one. I can have someone who’s very mentally sharp, but if there’s not a good sense of energy, I’m not gonna feel very safe with I’m very energetically sensitive as most of you probably are if you’re here.
[00:08:42] Uh, so I kiss a claim nonjudgmental. So none of us can use it. um, thoughtful. You know, going to the action, being something like going to the store and gets me a kombucha or something else that I love. But didn’t ask for, could also be someone who ch another person, like someone who challenges me in a constructive way, giving me the gift of their thought.
[00:09:10] Um, people that love us enough and know us enough that when we are in, in a weird place or going off in a different direction, that doesn’t seem congruent with what we’ve shared are our values and things like that’s really to have that kind of trust in the relationship, um, is that’s like the glass that holds the juice, you know?
[00:09:38] Yeah. Um, I, I wrote like encouraging around something that they know is important to me, even if they’re not. Directly like doing it, or so if somebody knows that, um, I’m writing these concepts for thriving. And so someone who knows that that’s important to me and checks in, um, and gives me space to, to reflect on its meaningfulness, how sometimes it’s really difficult to find the time to do it, um, is delighted that I found a coffee shop that for some reason I go there and I can write one or at least draft it.
[00:10:26] Um, that’s really important in my, in my nervous system and my, my life force to, to have people that can, can do that. Um, yeah. One, my one, a big one for me is an, a form of integrity where they’re they are with what is like they’re with their own emotions. They’re with my emotions. They’re not trying to hide or pretend.
[00:10:53] And, and that’s an art form. Like people have to build up muscles for that. So I really respect the people that are, are working on that. It doesn’t mean we have to be perfect, but like someone who’s really like I had someone shared someone who say, this is not in your integrity, like, or I feel like you’re, maybe you’re not, you know, either calling you, you on it or just being willing to be with your pain around.
[00:11:15] Sometimes when we mess up or things, aren’t going our way. There’s an integrity of, I will be with you in the honesty of this moment. That is real dalicious to me. So I wanted to share just a, a quick story. Um, I see faces and see names of people that I know have used. Um, the word juicy. Um, there was a time when no one in my world used the word juicy.
[00:11:47] And I remember I was, I was, I was doing some early sessions, um, and it was all by audio and this one particular client, um, you know, I’d already just developed such a rapport in my own heart with this person. They faced just extraordinary human challenges, um, in their, um, in their, just their daily life was, and, and there was also with that, like a recognition that, yes, it’s hard.
[00:12:24] Um, a. A deep desire to seek, to accept while also living a thriving life. So like, okay, this is where I am. What I have is not curable. Like there’s no imagination that would allow her to say, oh, this is all gonna go away and I’m gonna be fine. Um, and she knew that there were things that she could do. And so she went swimming and she, we talked about dance and things and she’s like, oh, oh yeah.
[00:13:06] And she found this dance group. And when she came back and described it, she was just so embodied. And she said, oh, it made me feel just so juicy. And if I was on video, my face, would’ve just flushed. like, woo. Um, she was, she was, it was a very personal, intimate reflection of, of how good it had made her feel to be there.
[00:13:39] And she was able to talk about the energy and the movement and how a lot of the daily stuff had had was in that time was able to quiet so that she could really be embodied.
[00:13:57] And so like, I, I thank you. Um, blessings, I feel blessed by that because it awoke, awakened in me an attraction to, um, people that are real, like they got real human stuff. The conversation, the connection is, does not have to pretend that, um, everything is thoroughly beautiful and perfect. Um, you know, sometimes, you know, in her case she booked herself like that’s real that’s life.
[00:14:35] And also that there is, there are opportunities to. Have juicy experiences, amidst, whatever. Um, so I, I, I was deeply blessed by that person. And, um, the mango, we talked about juiciness and mangoes and things, and the, it is in, um, in her honor. So, and love, thank you for that story. I think there is, um, if we can be with the things that aren’t pleasant in life, like the reality of disaster pants or, and many of us have had that happen in a, is a, even as adults yet, very few people will talk about that.
[00:15:16] That’s a thing. And I think that just that quiet acceptance of humans can have things like disaster pants and still be amazing. And they can still have amazing experiences when we feel a lot of shame about ourselves. And many of us are brought up in shame filled experiences where it’s kind of embedded in ourselves.
[00:15:34] It’s very hard to connect authentically and deeply with the really juicy people, because that requires self-acceptance. If I’m feeling shame, I wanna push away the things that are. Juicy like the disaster pants, which I have had as an adult. I’m not proud of it, but it’s happened. Um, if you try keto, you should be very careful how far you are from the restroom.
[00:15:57] Um but like, it happens, it happens to us, but when we’re trying to suppress the negative, the things we would be rejected for, um, we’re not bringing all of ourselves and there’s a lot of our energy is going to that, that pushing down. Mm. And people can sense that there’s not, there’s some pretend our subconscious, our survival brain is aware that there’s something hidden, something pushed away.
[00:16:21] The other person doesn’t know what we’re hiding. They just know you’re hiding something. Mm subconsciously. So it’s hard to be really connected. And the more we can take out those things like, Hey, I had disaster pants and I’m still a good person. The people here in the circle, a lot of times we’re working through old shames.
[00:16:40] The more we can own all of ourselves, the more people will see us as this whole person. That’s often much more compelling and charismatic than anyone pretending to be like, they’ve had it all together or denying parts of themselves. So part of what is, we’re gonna talk a little bit more about this in, in a little bit, but like to be ind juicy relationships, there are things we can do as well on our side.
[00:17:07] And part of that is owning and loving ourselves as a whole reclaiming the parts that we pushed away or decided no one would ever love. Yeah. And then, and then we have more of us to bring. Do a little tapping on that. Yeah. So I invite you to take a nice deep breath,
[00:17:29] karate ch I want more juicy relationship relations in my life. I want more juicy relations in my life, and there are things I can do to let that happen. And there are things that I can do to let that happen. Part of that may be reclaiming parts of me that were lost. And part of that may be reclaiming parts of me that have been lost or hidden away or hidden away suppressed things like things like adult disaster fans yeah.
[00:17:59] Things like that, whatever it is, I’m hiding, whatever it is I’m hiding is pulling energy from the whole me. Is pulling energy from the whole of me. And people can sense that and people can sense that the top of the head I’d like people to bring all of them. I’d like people to bring all of them eyebrow that may mean that I need to ex learn to accept all of them.
[00:18:26] It may mean that I have to learn to accept all of them side of the eye, which may mean I need to learn to accept all of me, which may mean I have to, I can learn to accept all of me under the eye and see how we mesh under the eye. Yeah. I’d like to reclaim the parts of me that I pushed away. I’d like to reclaim the parts of me that I’ve pushed away under the nose.
[00:18:49] The parts of me that are buried in shame. Any parts of me that are buried in shame chin, the more I do that, the more I do that collarbone, the more authentic and juicy I get to be the more authentic in juicy I get to be under there. I’m, that’s the opposite of what I thought would happen. That’s the opposite of what I thought would happen top of the head.
[00:19:10] And I’m okay with trying this out and I’m okay with trying this out. Just take a nice deep breath and remember this isn’t something we can necessarily do overnight, but it’s a muscle we can build. And when we’re not, I used to hide so much of me and I would wonder why no one ever remembered me. I’d go to all these big events and I’d meet a bunch of people and they would not remember me at all.
[00:19:33] And then I gradually realized that I was hiding so much of me, that all anyone saw was this kind of shell. And there wasn’t anything to remember me by like, I wasn’t willing to admit I was scared or I was ashamed, or I had things like disaster pants. But like when you start showing more of yourself, That’s more engaging, there’s more memorable and that’s something for people to kind of ly attract to.
[00:19:58] Versus if there’s not much behind that shell, there’s not much for people to kind of figure out who you are with. Um, and it can, it can be very lonely when we’re hiding a big chunk of ourselves. Mm-hmm so I think it’s important for me. I’m pointing fingers back at me to remind myself over and over again, the more of myself that I’m embodying and loving and embracing the more there is for the right people to be really attracted to.
[00:20:24] And it will also be really clear to the people that don’t want that in their lives, that they should Hightail it the other way. So it saves me all kinds of time. Yeah. Well, that’s, that’s what I’d like. One of the things I’d like to amplify is that if, if we’re hiding some things, then there’s not a natural, what I call divine filtering that’s going on and you can end up with sort of flat relationships and.
[00:20:46] Now again, like we, we know that in a relationship in any co-creation, um, there are things that we have, um, empowerment around and things that we don’t, and we’re gonna be touching on some of those things as we, we go through the rest of the workshop. Um, and the question was, are they juicy for my life that can make us look outside?
[00:21:11] Like they are, they, um, the energy work of acknowledging, like, what am I bringing? Not just to that relationship, but to all relationships that I want, um, continuing to, to include ourselves and that empowerment, like, yeah. I noticed that I’m I’m Tim. In relationships and you know, that just doesn’t feel like the juicy it’s it’s, it’s where I am.
[00:21:42] And maybe if I acknowledge like, look, I just wanna acknowledge I’m kind of timid in relationships. I don’t like I can’t chase , but it doesn’t mean that I’m not interested. Like, yeah, this feels like something that would be, um, good for me. So, so we can be aware of qualities of where we are now or things that are our nature.
[00:22:06] Um, and at the same time, think of what, what would I really like in a relationship that would be juicy. And as Kathy said, like for, for me and for her, and I’m guessing a, a bunch of us here, um, being able to acknowledge to someone, something that is a gift and something, that’s a gap. Like, you know, Hey, I don’t chase like Kathy and I have had the conversation.
[00:22:34] She calls me what? 95 times out of a hundred, probably. Yeah. Yeah. Now that may seem really UN sided if you looked at like the phone log and that’s sort of my nature, not sort of my NA that is clearly my nature. I bad discussions about it. You’re like, thank you for calling because otherwise I would not reach out sometimes.
[00:22:58] Yeah. So, um, we’ve talked about touchpoints there’s check-ins and other things, but it’s something that is recognized between us that doesn’t stand in the way and it doesn’t stand in the way because there’s, I own it. Like, look, I, I love the connection daily that we have almost every day. And, um, that’s, I’m a responder, like in all of.
[00:23:27] Self-analysis self-awareness charts, everything. I’m a responder. I’m not as much of a, an initiator. And go ahead. I think that one of the, we can tap say you’re very shy and I work a lot with people that consider themselves shy and awkward. If you are shy, like you can tap on the reasons that you feel shy or less willing to reach out.
[00:23:51] And I also teach people to own like Rick own, the authenticity of he’s a responder. He doesn’t tend to reach out first, but he is always very glad to talk to me. It’s not like when I call him, like, no, he is like, Hey, it’s great to hear from you. I tell people that I work with a lot of times, if you’re shy, tell people.
[00:24:09] And you can actually use it as a way to kind of flirt in a playful and let people feel important. I like if you’re at a party or around someone, you’re like, I’m telling them, Hey, I’m really shy. And I always feel awkward, but you seem interested. Interesting. I’d like to like, can we talk for a few minutes?
[00:24:26] You’re telling them that you are, that you’re, this other person is intriguing enough to, for them to at least reach a little bit through their shyness. And you’re also giving them information that you feel shy. So now they have something someplace to go from. So if you’re a little quiet, they don’t take it as you’re bored, they have context mm-hmm
[00:24:44] So Rick gave us context when he says I’m a responder. If you’re shy, you can say I’m shy at parties. And like, I, although I often use the phrase, like I never know, like I try to always go at a party, I’ll go to three different people that are not talking to other people. And I’ll say, I never know what to say at these things.
[00:25:04] Or I always feel very awkward at these things and it’s surprising how many people are like, oh my God, it’s not just me. And then all of a sudden we have a shared commonality because we shared a truth in the moment. And now we have a conversation and we talk about all the embarrassing things we’ve done and we’ve bonded.
[00:25:21] So, or at least opened a door to connection. So I think really, if we can use the truth and use what’s real for us, we can certainly keep tapping and clearing traumas and changing things if we want. But it’s okay to own where you are now and use that as part of the connection. Hmm. Yeah. Um, should we have people share what’s not juicy for them?
[00:25:44] Cause I think it’s equally important. You’ve shared some things that really draw you forward. Yeah, I think it’s equally important to notice what is not juicy the opposite of. So you can start seeing, oh, this is a lot of my negative list. This person, like this person is exhibiting a lot of this negative list.
[00:26:01] What do I wanna do now? So if you’re willing to share in the comments, what are some signs to you that a relationship might be stale or not juicy, or just like kind of occupying a place on the bench?
[00:26:17] Someone shared, I went up to a woman and introduced myself and she said, we met earlier. Uhoh a lot of, I did that to the president of Hitachi. Uh, when I was buying equipment from them, I was very, very embarrassed. Um, so it happens and I think you say, oh, sorry, you know, mental blip or whatever, and just acknowledge it happens to all of us, like, or most of us it’s, we’re gonna do that sometimes.
[00:26:47] someone said it’s much easier to think about. What’s not GC. I’m glad you asked. Uh, someone said people with big E egos. Jean, someone said, I do that all the time. Um, I have a friend who will we text still stop me dead in my tracks with, but we talked about this before. Oh, that would stop me too. I’ll be like, are we not allowed to repeat topics?
[00:27:06] how much time is allocated to each topic? Wanna avoid it? Or UNAC acknowledged it UN acknowledged not juicy equals bad bosses. yes. Bad. Yeah, that would not be fun. Well, and, and again, like that’s, it’s landing in a part of us that is categorized as, as, um, good or bad for us and in emotional work, um, like what is the energetic?
[00:27:38] Um, and I say that. Because we do work that’s that’s trauma. We try to do work that’s trauma informed and primitive brain aware. And for example, um, someone can fall into the category of not being worth, being in a relationship with at all. Mm-hmm . If I hear them, like do the kind of bragging that some men do when they’re, when there’s a status game going on mm-hmm , that’d be a bottom line.
[00:28:18] Well, like an, like a super big ego. It can come across as a super big ego, but it also can be from other things. So, um, one of, one of the emotional things that I look for. That like, there’s an energy of the person that’s, that’s got a really big ego that I can flinch from. Um, and I, that flinch comes like really primally.
[00:28:44] Like I know that that’s not so good for me, but you know, I’ve actually been caught in the middle of a status game and it’s a bit like being caught in the middle of a water balloon fight and, and you have two water balloons in your hands. So yeah, it’s like built 2 million businesses, you know, like, you know, you just start like doing that thing that everyone else is doing.
[00:29:07] Um, and so the negative for me is like, if, as I watch them in other contexts, um, is that a reaff reaffirmed behavior. Um, and to me, the energetic is there’s really no space for me. So the person with a big ego, it’s all like, again, my energetic feeling of what that means. It may be something different for each of us, but big ego says I need to maintain status over you.
[00:29:43] That’s a feeling like that feeling of, yeah. We’re not actually able to, to kind of do this little dance of, um, this, uh, it has to be this, even if you like, try to knock me down, that’s that’s not juicy. Something different, um, or that there’s no room. And so, yeah. Yeah. And I think all of us can, our, especially if it’s something our survival brain values like status, it can be easy.
[00:30:16] I’ve done that. I had a friend that constantly, every time she came over, she tried to impress me with how many events she’d taught at like, there’s this constant status. And like, I would just kind of just ignore it for a while, but then eventually, like, I kind of, like, I felt sucked into the game so we can kind of forgive ourselves a little bit and maybe forgive other people if that happens.
[00:30:35] But mm-hmm, , I think if there’s a general, like we’re looking for overall trends and I think there’s something called bottom lines. If someone kicks your cat bottom line, they’re out um, like that’s and we’re looking for more, the, the kind of subtle things in this passive aggressive treatment, people who put down what’s important to me, like, Ugh.
[00:30:56] Yeah. Not emotionally available or checked out. Ah, tap, tap, tap. Um, yes, avoid it. And unacknowledged, when I have an important conversation with someone and they don’t remember anything about the conversation a week or so later or ever again, um, that’s hard. Yeah. Yeah. There’s not a sense of building on something, right.
[00:31:21] Like, um, I’m guessing. And I feel when I feel bad, deflated exhausted off and many other uncomfortable feelings that I know the time I had with the other person was not good for me. So there’s a body, a body indication like, oh, this wasn’t, wasn’t just not juicy. It was depleting. Right. Uh, autocratic power over people.
[00:31:46] Yeah. I just wrote a concept today about power with so I’m right. Yeah. Power over that kind of, of orientation. Um, top down power over disrespectful yelling, power, trippy, controlling gas, lighting, lying, stuff like that. Just the little things, right? Yeah. little things. Um, yeah. Uh, someone said, Rick said something about flat relationships, empty and substance doesn’t that happen when both people are not sharing their authenticity though, isn’t there always an opportunity to reach out in a way that helps the other uncover themselves by showing the way by finding commonality.
[00:32:25] I think there are often, and we’re gonna talk about that in a little bit. The ways we can change things. And there are some people that just may not be a good fit. So there, if they, if, if there isn’t a commonality or the other person isn’t, reinterested in being authentic there, may we get to decide what we do?
[00:32:43] And again, we’ll talk about that a little more. Uh, someone said shared, I date someone who always knew more than I did and was right about everything. It can be quite a burden to carry . mm-hmm , um, not juicy equals someone who can’t make space for me and doesn’t see me. And then was the person that always knew more?
[00:33:01] Was he a lawyer ? Uh, no, just an a-hole. Um, not juicy. You’re gonna do what I say. Um, inability, relax, laugh, and be spontaneous or take everything serious. So seriously intensely. Um, when you perceive something as not juicy, is that our own insecurity or wonder is it something we need to work on? I think there are things that are just not juicy.
[00:33:25] Our juicer is broken. Um, one of the things, when we work with, I work do a lot of marketing and people are like, I work with everybody and I’m like, really, you care about Republican dentists that want to convince people to get their teeth capped. And they’re like, I’m like, okay. But there are people that really care about doing that.
[00:33:44] Right. And so maybe that kind of a person, like, I don’t think we have to have everyone be juicy to us. And I think that was a huge thing for me. I used to think that I had to be friends with everybody and everyone had to like me, that is a survival brain thing. We grew up in small groups of people, our band of people.
[00:34:03] If everyone didn’t like us, we were in danger in that band. We had to be, have some kind of relationship with them. We don’t live in that kind of world anymore. We live in a world with seven and a half billion people. So if some of them don’t like us and don’t fit, that’s, it’s a relief. Like, oh, I don’t have to hang out with you.
[00:34:20] If you’re not a good fit with me, like we can, we can maybe try, we can develop ways of talking to people and seeing when we can change. And there’s some people that are just gonna be way more effort than, than you know, why are we still investing in someone that just doesn’t fit us? Well, why are we still.
[00:34:41] You know, why do we keep trying to dig for gold when we’re in the middle of a sand field and there’s no gold, which, which brings us kind of to the next segment, which is around, um, sometimes related to the, sorry. Right? So thank you. Um, so there’s, there are two parts to this next segment. The first part is what, what stops you from, from changing things in the relationship?
[00:35:08] If, if you’re pretty clear, it’s not juicy to you. Um, what stops you from changing things? Now? Sometimes what stops us from changing things is they are my mother. And because they are my mother, I am obligated to X, Y, Z PDQ. Oh my goodness gracious. Um, so again, um, Emotional freedom looks at not as a black and white thing.
[00:35:44] They’re either in my life or they’re out. It looks more at what’s the, what’s the kind of engagement that works for us. What’s the kind of en you know, distance in depth. I call it right. Distance, right. Depth as a shortcut. Because if you feel like you’ve got to always be like doing every holiday with your parents and every holiday makes you feel, as someone mentioned, depleted and exhausted afterwards, and you need a VA, you need a vacation to recover from that.
[00:36:23] It could be that you said, I will love you forever. Okay. Like I. Been blocked from like adjusting a friendship to being like this once a year on a birthday thing, because I once said to them, I lo I will love you forever now. That’s true. But what does that mean? Like it, when I said that when I was a teenager, that meant something like, it, it meant like actively verb as a love.
[00:36:52] Like I’m going to be loving on you and you know, like, so we can, we can be stuck, trapped, not free by, um, a variety of things could be scary. There are some scary people that can, that consider us their friend, for example, that if you said, listen, I don’t have time to, to go out drinking. That’s not my thing anymore.
[00:37:21] Um, and you know that they’re going. You’ve seen them attack other people. So that’s can be a really legit, like you just, you know, I still keep this person in my life because I don’t want to go through the trauma or the difficulty or the emotional labor, um, that you imagine with evidence that you’d have to go through.
[00:37:45] And this is, this is a, this I believe is a, an important first stage when we’re looking at a relationship to change. What about it? You know, makes me feel anxious, afraid, um, like a fear of missing out a fear of, of reprisal. Um, I’m not changing it. I haven’t changed it up until now because, and that, so if you have a person in mind,
[00:38:21] you might want. We invite you to complete that sentence. I haven’t changed it up until now, or hasn’t changed up until now, despite my best efforts, because
[00:38:34] if you’re being lonely, um, somebody shared earlier a little bit earlier, um, scarcity, I, I have trouble breaking up with relationships that are not Doy. Um, fear of the reaction. I just don’t care. Fear of conflict. Mm-hmm
[00:38:58] So, um, all of these, we, we could do a whole, you know, twice week long workshop on the things that come up when we, when we consider making a change. Um, we’re gonna do a little bit of tapping here on some of these that have come up, but if it is alive in you and it’s above a two, three, anything above a four for certain, it means that your, your primitive brain is involved, which means that you’re not gonna be as clear and confident and calm about, um, adjusting a relationship.
[00:39:34] So I’m too nice a person that’s right, because I think the nicest people, um, you know, uh, What I’ll I’ll say it, I’ll say it another way. When I, when I realized if I don’t really wanna be with someone and I’m taking their time and energy and life by being there anyway, um, I’m taking up the room that somebody else might be a much better fit that they might be really juicy for someone else.
[00:40:04] Um, whereas they’re not for me. And I, I, so I’d like to incorporate that as well. Okay. Well, we said in one of the emails that we were give you secret to, like, it’s really hard. Sometimes we feel like we’re not being nice. If we let someone go, and this is from credit parties, but how many of you have ever been out to dinner or movie or someplace with someone who didn’t want to be there?
[00:40:32] okay. Most of, yeah, most of us, we were sitting there. We can tell the other person doesn’t want to be there. Did it make you feel better about yourself? That they sat there and suffered through. Did it add to your time? Did you feel good about it? It, it hurts my self-esteem cuz I can tell they don’t want to be there.
[00:40:54] It’s like actually lowering my energy. Now imagine that other person knows if you really don’t wanna be there at some level, they’re aware it’s not actually kind. We think we’re being kind by tolerating that person and sitting there with a fake smile, like looking at our watch every two minutes going, dear Lord, is this over?
[00:41:16] I believe it’s much kinder to tell someone this isn’t a good fit and we’ll talk a little bit how we might adjust that. Maybe they’re a fit in other ways, but like I don’t wanna have lunch with you again, like I’m this is not a good fit for me. It’s momentarily hard. but long term, it lets someone, as you were saying, Rick we’re, we’re, we’re removing ourselves from their bench.
[00:41:42] So someone else can sit there. We’re not letting them pretend that their bench is full when it’s not, we’re not letting them pretend. They have someone who really cares when we don’t care when we don’t want to be there. The only way, like we’re, it’s, it’s, it’s like feeding. So I love hummingbirds. I have hummingbird feeders in the back.
[00:42:02] One of the biggest things they say is never give them fake sugar. You will kill them. Yeah. I think when you give people fake friendship, we kill some part of them where the receptors are getting what they they’re something off, even if they’re not conscious of it and it’s really harming them. Hmm. So I invite you to, like, if you remember that, like, it does take courage to be honest with yourself and with them.
[00:42:30] but that momentary pain is much better than a lifetime of like giving them fake sugar. And they’re wondering why they’re constantly hungry or dying. Does that make sense? Mm-hmm so I’d like, I, I see some things going on in the chat that are, that are meaningful. And part of the challenge of this, which is what makes it a real skill is that as soon as, as soon as you start identifying a person, then there’s emotional things that come up.
[00:43:02] And like, I broke off with somebody and I miss them every day, or I miss them all the time. Yeah. You know, people that we love in certain aspects, but they’re they’re in this case, the person said that they were toxic mango juice and arsenic don’t go well together. You may love mango juice, but if it always gets served in a lead container with some.
[00:43:26] Arsenic sprinkled on top, not a good idea. Um, we can miss the essence of a human being. Um, but here’s the, so I’d like to do a tapping, which I’ve used, uh, quite often, whereas relationships change because relationships are the dearest thing in my life. Um, and take, take what, take, what is useful to you. Okay.
[00:43:54] Even though this is really hard, even though this is really hard, a part of me thinks that it has to end a part of me thinks that it has to end a part of me is holding onto what was a part of me is holding onto what was, and a part of me is holding onto what I felt we could have been. A part of me is holding onto what I think we might have been.
[00:44:20] I want my clarity right here right now. I want my clarity right here. Right now, top of the head, I don’t have to make a change. I don’t have to make a change and relationships change and relationships change eyebrow. I don’t have to make a change. I don’t have to make a change side of the eye. I don’t have to let them go.
[00:44:42] I don’t have to let them go under the eye. I want to be clear about what this means to me. I ha wanna be clear about what this means to me under the nose. If it helps me feel less fearful, if it helps me feel less fear fearful, Jen, if it helps me feel less alone, if it helps me feel less alone, Callone that’s like water.
[00:45:04] That’s like water, not mango juice, not mango juice, but it might be like water to me, but it might be like water to me, UN essential and essential to not feel so alone, to not feel so alone top of the head. And I want to also perceive how I’m not alone. And I also wanna perceive how I’m not alone, eyebrow, how I have options, how I have options side of the eye.
[00:45:32] I have fresh dreams. I have fresh dreams under the eye. There are things I want to offer in relationship. There are things I wanna offer in relationship under the nose and that aren’t, aren’t getting expressed. Things that are not getting expressed. Jen, I want my clarity. I want my clarity call alone. I know me.
[00:45:55] I know me. I don’t actually cut off love. I don’t actually cut off love even if I never speak to them again, even if I never speak to them again. So I have to Soo myself to acknowledge that my primitive brain thinks in terms of like, um, outcast, like, like a relationship ending is like an outcast. It’s a cut, it’s a let go of them.
[00:46:22] Um, and that’s why for me, that notion is never acceptable. Like there’s no, my, my, my heart, my core says cut off myself from someone who I actually developed a love connection with no, um, People, there are people I haven’t talked to in many years. Um, it wouldn’t be helpful for me to talk to them. It wasn’t an abusive relationship.
[00:46:48] It wasn’t an arsenic relationship, or maybe there was a part of it that was so discordant and disharmonious that it was impacting one or both of us, but I still like, if they come to mind, I can, I can give the like, love you, miss you. And I hope that you are well, I hope that you’re thriving and healing and, and finding what’s right for you as, and that has taken skill for me to get to that place.
[00:47:24] Um, and if that’s true for you, I I’m inviting you to, to acknowledge that sometimes we’re in a place where we need water and juice is not on the menu and it’s okay to have people that we have. A certain interaction with while also moving more of our energy out toward those things, acknowledging, looking for celebrating.
[00:47:50] When we see it, you know, um, we’ve had people email us that like the relationship that Kathy and I have where, you know, one person wrote, um, I keep trying to figure out which of you is on top. Like who’s the boss I’ve given up.
[00:48:09] there isn’t one. Um, and, um, like that celebration help them like, oh, you, you mean you can co-create with somebody and there’s not like the served and the servant. There’s a power with not a power over. Oh. Um, so you, I celebrate. You know, love relationships when I see them to the extent that I, my, my heart can.
[00:48:37] Um, so I wanna go ahead. There’s a couple things that people shared that I think we’ll probably get to after the break. Um, but one of someone shared that they, the friend, their friend didn’t have any other friends. Yeah. And I, we, we don’t always know what paths universal bring to us. When I was in grad school, I had just moved to university of Florida.
[00:48:59] I didn’t know a soul. I was dating my girlfriend who was back in Albuquerque. She was the only person I was close to. I didn’t have, I just moved a bunch. I had lost like, just lost touch with people. She was really my only. And my, and she was my, my girlfriend. And at three in the morning, she broke up with me about a month after I moved and I was devastated.
[00:49:21] It was one of the hardest things I went through. I’m here at the strange city, no friends, but it helped me realize I didn’t have any other friends. And while it was very, very painful, it was a very powerful wake up call for me. And I realized, I didn’t know how to make friends. So I started studying how to make friends.
[00:49:38] And I became the social director for that group of people. Like I was the person like I’m going to, I went out for rug. I tried a bunch of things to find out what I like. I didn’t one day of rugby realized that if I wanted to survive, that was not a good choice. but I became the person that would call everybody and gather them for Friday for happy hour.
[00:49:57] And then going out to the bar and having dinner, like. I learned how to make friends. And if she hadn’t broken up with me at that point where it was so vulnerable, I don’t think I would’ve done that. I was coasting along, living very vicariously through her life, back in Albuquerque and not facing my stuff.
[00:50:17] And we don’t always have to cut people off completely. We can say certain behaviors. One of the reasons we had you go through what is juicy and what is not juicy is maybe we, we can identify. What’s not juicy. Maybe that person is always very negative. And we can say like, Hey, I noticed that when we get together, there’s not anything you’re sharing.
[00:50:39] I want you to be able to share authentically, but it feels very heavy after a while. It feels like nothing’s good happening in your life. And I would love to invite you to at least share some good things that are happening to you, or if there’s nothing good, like what can you change? Like when we, when we share what we want and we start, if we identify the thing, that’s.
[00:51:00] um, and if we start building the muscles of asking, speaking up, someone’s search said they have trouble setting boundaries. The only way we learn to do those, we can certainly tap on the blocks, but we have to start lifting the weights. We have to start with baby things and start building up those muscles.
[00:51:20] I had a friend who was really inauthentic, was always felt very plastic. And I finally did tell her, I feel like our we’re not very real here. I’m not sure I’m not feeling very engaged in our relationship. And she’s like, oh really? I can tell you really what’s happening to me with me. And I’m like, I would like that.
[00:51:36] And we actually started talking more and sharing things. So there are, we don’t necessarily have to throw the baby out with the bath water. We can look at what are the patterns, what are the traits in the relationship that are not working for us? And the cool thing is if this person doesn’t matter to you too much, it’s a great place to practice lifting the weight.
[00:51:55] It’s not because they’re disposable, but you’ll have less fear and resistance to risking the relationship. And if they do matter to you, then maybe they’re worth risking for. So I even just, we don’t have to say, oh, this person I’m gonna throw them away. and we’ll, we’ll, we’ll share a couple other examples, um, of the ways we can approach this.
[00:52:16] Do you wanna take the break now or you wanna? Yeah, I’d like to, uh, we do a, a quick seven minute break. Um, we’ll pause the recording if you’re listening to the recording. Hi, thanks for joining us. And we encourage you to take a break, um, move around a bit and reflect on what’s coming up for you. Um, particularly if there’s a relationship that you feel is, is got some potential.
[00:52:41] Um, what is stopping you from asking as Kathy has just articulated she’s given some examples and, and, and some of the power that can come, it’s not guaranteed from, um, asking. or sharing what would be juicy or, uh, in the relationship and what blocks you might have for that? Um, cause I’d love to do like Cathy, my intention would be to come back and get some feedback from people.
[00:53:10] Like you’re welcome to use the chat and do three rounds of tapping on some of the things that are stopping people from evolving a relationship. Okay. Yes, we’ll be back at, um, half past plus two. Welcome back. You know, I’ve got some, uh, lemon Jews here, it’s lemon, but it’s, it’s not straight lemon juice.
[00:53:37] It’s lemon juice blended with ice and mostly water and some sugar. Ah
[00:53:50] so I acknowledge that there’s a difference between straight lemon. And lemonade, um, between, uh, pomegranate juice and cherry juice, even though they’re both sort of reddish purple, um, mango, orange, mango, orange, um, I, I think it’s useful. I feel it’s useful for me to, to, when we’re thinking about, are they juicy for me to acknowledge that our taste can vary?
[00:54:25] Um, and that, um, I, I don’t actually drink pomegranate juice. It’s not my juice cherry juice as well. I, yeah, no. Um, wine is sort of a juice, right? Um, I don’t, I don’t do wine, but I know a lot of people that really enjoy that, that fermented juice. So, um, we always want to remember that someone’s. Someone’s um, juiciness may not be our, our taste, our choice.
[00:54:58] It doesn’t make them bad or that they need to be eliminated. Um, and there are some things that are like really, like, if, if you drink that particular take in that kind of juice, it might make you feel really sick. Um, might even be life threatening for some people. Um, it’s okay to recognize that that is true for you.
[00:55:21] Um, and to do that, which brings us to, to boundaries, um, anyone like to share in the chat, um, if you think about a relationship that you have, and it it’s, it’s one, that’s not clearly. Like you wanna get rid of it. Like, it’s definitely one that, you know, there’s a, maybe some ambivalence, maybe there’s some unfulfillment, um, maybe there’s some staleness.
[00:55:56] and you imagine expressing to them
[00:56:03] an idea or two about what for you just completely saying for you, what would make that relationship juicier for you? What comes up for you? I clearly get a little bit of a catch in my throat. isn’t that interesting tap, tap, tap. It can be a physical reaction like that. It can be a thought like, uh, that’ll never work.
[00:56:42] so someone said, I feel desperation for things, things to change for me, as well as a feeling like it will never happen. Someone I shared, I feel trapped. Those are pretty intense, right? Like desperation trapped. Those aren’t juicy feelings. Right. Just right there. That’s not even neutral. Right. So if, um, I might do tapping like this, even though I feel desperate, even though I feel desperate and like it’s never gonna happen and like it’s never gonna happen.
[00:57:15] And that keeps me from asking and that keeps me from asking. And sometimes I feel trapped. Sometimes I feel trapped. Well, that keeps me from asking, well, that keeps me from asking. How would I perceive this? If I was more neutral, how would I perceive this? If I was more neutral, love it, but I’m desperate and trapped.
[00:57:40] I’m desperate and trapped eyebrow. I’m really desperate. I’m really desperate outta the eye. I feel desperate for it to change. I feel desperate for it to change. Yeah. I feel trapped in this relationship. I feel trapped in this relationship under the nose. I’m not neutral at all, not neutral at all. Jen, I wonder if a part of me could be neutral.
[00:58:01] I wonder if a part of me could be neutral. Hold on. Just for guidance purposes, just for guidance purposes,
[00:58:14] I’m open to a neutral, matter of fact, support for myself. I’m open to a more neutral matter of fact support for myself of it. Uh, that would be useful. That would be useful.
[00:58:33] So trapped and desperate are not on the juicy scale, right? Like they’re down in the, this is, this is, this is, this is, uh, um, I think just even noticing for Mo most of us here are adults and we’re, we’re really not trapped. We’re trapping ourselves. We’re using our own beliefs and our patterns to hold ourselves in place.
[00:58:57] Most of us are in a PLA we can make some change. So if we’re feeling trapped, we may have a belief sold patterns, old expectations of ourselves, but those are all in our own head. So the trap is not external, which feels often can feel very overwhelming. Just owning the fact I’m trapping myself, I’m taking back some of that power.
[00:59:21] Can sometimes help. I just wanna offer that perspective. You wanna lead a tapping for that? Yeah. Crowd chop, even though I’m trapping myself, even though I’ve been known to trap myself, I could doing it. It does not feel good at all. It does not feel good at all. And I don’t feel like I have a choice in this and that.
[00:59:41] I do not feel I have a choice in this and that’s my clue. the traps are all built out of my own beliefs. The traps are built out of my own beliefs as they mesh with their beliefs. and I have control over my beliefs and I do have some control over my beliefs. Well then no, I don’t. Are you kidding me? I don’t.
[01:00:06] You’re you’re insane. You’re insane. I’m trapped here. Side of the eye. I don’t have control over my beliefs. I don’t have any control over my beliefs. That couldn’t be a real skill. under the eye. I have to blindly follow what I believe I have to blindly follow what I believe. No, I don’t. forever and ever I’m in forever and ever.
[01:00:29] That’s not actually what I believe. And that’s actually not what I believe. H one, cuz I would not be on this call. If I, I would not be on this call. If I thought that under the arm, I can change my beliefs. I can look at and change my beliefs top of the head. I can’t necessarily do it all at once and I can necessarily do it all at once.
[01:00:50] Hi bro. But I can start flexing those muscles S start flexing those muscles side of the eye. I can start noticing that I’m the one trapping me. I can start noticing the ways that I am the one trapping me under the eye and I can start looking at where those beliefs came from. And I can look at where those beliefs came from under the nose.
[01:01:11] I can start gently unwinding them.
[01:01:16] I can start gently unwinding them, chin and practicing, speaking up wherever I can. And practicing, speaking up wherever I can. I do believe that you can change beliefs. I do know I can change beliefs under the arms, so maybe I can change the beliefs that are trapping me. Maybe I can change the beliefs like that are trapping me top head.
[01:01:39] And I’d really like to, I’d really like to trapped. Isn’t a good look for me. No, just take a nice, nice, deep and realize that if you’re feeling trapped into a relationship, you’re probably not serving the other person or yourself. The other person may believe you are people that are very desperate and scared will try to manipulate and trap people into relationships.
[01:02:02] Cuz they’re scared. , but they’re not really healthy relationships. A healthy relationship is one where people can have freedom to be there. Rick and I ch choose to show up for each other. And we also work very consciously on a relationship. So the other day I was feeling Rick was super tired and I had had the full moon or whatever.
[01:02:24] I had not slept. Well. I called him at four o’clock in the morning, my time when he, he was up for a couple hours already. Um, and he was just about to lay down. He was really tired and I, I felt like I wanted to share, and he wasn’t picking that up. I didn’t say it, but I kind of wanted him to like, ask me what was going on.
[01:02:42] I got off the phone feeling really down. I was like, oh, he doesn’t care. No one cares. Nobody loves me. Like I was in a bad, I was really tired. My brain went in that spiral. So I just, I’m partly owning that to let everybody know. This is not the end of the world. Everybody goes in spirals sometimes. And the next day after I’d gotten a little sleep and he gotten a little sleep, I called and I said, I noticed, I didn’t feel really connected with you yesterday.
[01:03:07] And that made me feel sad. I, I not, and I’m owning things. I tend to mask. If I think the other person is tired or exhausted, I won’t show my stuff. I’ll I’ll pretend that everything’s okay. So like, I own my part in it. I’m like, I’m sorry. I didn’t say anything. There’s no way you could have necessarily known.
[01:03:26] And I was really feeling like you weren’t like, you didn’t care. I made up the story about you not caring and not wanting to be there. I’m too much. And we talked about it a little and he suggested if I, if I actually am a need, I could start the conversation with saying, I could use my friend right now as a signal to him that I I’d like the conversation to include some time for me.
[01:03:48] It doesn’t have to start with that. It doesn’t have to end with that. It doesn’t have to be the entire conversation and he may not have it to give. But if I clearly communicate to him, even when you know, he’s tired or I’m tired, if having some kind of way to signal, I’d like some time focused on me that gives him a clue and he could say, you know, I want to be there for you.
[01:04:10] And I’ve just been up with the baby for hours. Can we talk later this afternoon when I’ve had some sleep or something? At least I know he cares. So I was sharing my internal process with him and not everybody, like we built up this trust over time. You may want to take it in baby steps, but often setting boundaries or asking for what we want, can bring up new opportunities for people.
[01:04:34] And it’s a way to test the relationship to see if it can grow. I have some friends that if I said that, like Rick replied beautifully, I felt so loved. I feel closer to him than ever. Like, it was a little test to like, oh, we can navigate this. And now we know how to navigate this. And some people may not respond that way.
[01:04:53] And so that’s data that we have. That person, at least of this case, did not wanna respond with a discussion in a way to a way solution focused. And there’s people with fixed mindsets. We’re stuck in this problem. This belief will never change. And there’s people with the, the, the growth mindset where like, oh, I may feel stuck.
[01:05:14] I feel very stuck, but I know I can change beliefs and I may have to do it in baby steps, but I can make a difference. And I think, I can’t imagine anyone here really wants to be stuck in friendships with people are that are very in the fixed mindset all the time. So some of us are gonna get there sometimes anyway, when we’re really overwhelmed or tired, it doesn’t mean it’s the end of the relationship.
[01:05:36] But if they’re predominantly that fixed relationship, fixed mindset, it’s gonna be really hard to develop something deeper. Mm-hmm so you can just kind of take the pulse as you go. Yeah.
[01:05:51] um, this is a real skill. It’s one that like Kathy was willing to share that we practice it all the time. A thriving relationship. One that is healthy, juicy, delicious can tend to things when things are hard can seek to do no harm and to restore with, with greater ease. Um, we’ve been doing this together for 15 years, so we have a, we have lots of experience.
[01:06:32] I believe that the good news is is that with people that there’s, um, a depth of something. If you learn a few words of, of a new language, you’re, you’re adding a skill, for example, this idea of, you know, I, I find myself wanting more of this in my life. So I’m, I’m finding, I’m wanting more encouragement for this, for the things that are that matter to me.
[01:07:12] And I’m, I’m wondering if
[01:07:19] you’re wanting to see how awkward it starts getting, like, do you wanna, are you willing to encourage me around this and make that something that’s part of our relationship that I could ask you say, Hey, I’m feeling a little bit like stuck. I could use some encouragement around this. thing that matters to me, whatever that matters to you.
[01:07:45] Now, if what you get back is defensive, you are like, okay, I, I hear that. You feel like I’m, I’m just saying I want more of it.
[01:08:00] This is gonna be awkward. One, because we are in the process as a community and not just thriving now, but all the people that are interested in power with instead of power over people that want freedom. To create more distance if that’s what’s right, or, or the freedom to, to be vulnerable and ask for more depth, if that’s what’s right for you, whether they choose to join you there or not, like this is a new kind of language, this is a new kind of energy exchange.
[01:08:32] This is a, an orientation it’s in our bones, it’s in our ancestry. Um, but often, you know, we’re, we’re freshening things up. It’s fresh juice that we’re wanting. Um, and that means that, you know, it can be messy. Anyone who’s cut up a mango. Um, I don’t know about you much less getting the, the stuff off the seed.
[01:08:57] It’s it’s it’s it’s, you know, chin and, uh, yeah. Especially if you watch a two year old. Or an eight year old do it. Um, it’s messy. And the skillfulness really starts, I think from like this matters to me, juicy relationships matter to me. Um, maybe I don’t have any, maybe I have some that have had it at times and noticing what stops you from what I would call a, you know, the smallest invitation that would matter to you.
[01:09:33] So a lot of people brought up missing someone and I, during the break, I thought, you know, it would be interesting for me to know, like, what would you miss about me if I was gone, it’s my birthday on Saturday. Um, and you know, cuz I think about the people I don’t have contact with anymore and I miss them like there’s, there’s been, and, and I think that.
[01:10:03] What, what we miss other people for, even if they were just like, definitely right. For us to not have contact for them anymore. But if we still miss them, there’s something in that that re that tells us what’s juicy for us. Like, you know, I, I miss having someone who knew me when I was six years old and seven and eight, like, I miss that.
[01:10:33] They’re kind of the history, the helping you remember and connect with that time. Right. Kathy has known me from the time that I, I, I, I separated from my long marriage. She has seen me through multiple relationships. She celebrates and is a part of our family now, you know, super aunt Kathy, um, like that’s one of a trillion things I would miss about Kathy.
[01:10:58] But if I think about like, what would I miss? Um, that gives me clues. About what I find juicy and what I want to continue to put my energy toward and the things. If you have someone in your life that you could say, what would you miss? Maybe you’re just practical and useful and helpful. Um, for someone you can miss that maybe you’re, you’re just like that, um, you know, quirky and brilliant person that just makes them see the world in a different way.
[01:11:30] Um, we also tend to romanticize memories. So I have there, I have a couple of people that were friends and then I didn’t see them for a while. And I was like, oh, I missed them. And I hung out with them. I’m like, oh, this is why I didn’t like, yeah, there’s some good stuff, but there’s some not some nice stuff.
[01:11:46] Like I’m really kind of bored in the nostalgia of it. Um, so I think that’s important to remember too, that we do sometimes romanticize past experiences. Um, I’d love to do some tapping on, um, deserving J. Yeah, if that’s okay. Yeah. Um, and one of the things that I just wanna, before we do that, I just wanna say that sometimes we don’t have to get rid of people.
[01:12:13] So I have something I call, I have movie buddies. I have a couple friends, we love the same kind of movies. Mm-hmm we often like to go to the same kind of like, we have a blast, we get like, Hey, you, you like the new one’s coming out. Do you wanna stay up till midnight? Go see it, whatever. They’re great. Like the 20 minutes before the movie starts, while we’re getting popcorn and stuff, the five minute, 10 minutes after the movie while we’re kind of, oh, that was so good.
[01:12:38] What was your favorite scene? That’s great, but I’ve also gone to dinner with some of those people. Some of them are great for dinner too, but so the, the ones that are strictly movie buddies, I’m sitting over dinner going, dear Lord. When is dinner over? They are not dinner buddies. They’re movie buddies. So I think it’s okay.
[01:12:55] Maybe you have an ice cream buddy. Like once a month you go and get ice cream for a half hour, or you, you have walking buddies. I think a lot of times we’re kind of taught that any kind of friendship should be universal. Yeah. And it doesn’t have to be. So like sometimes people maybe fit into certain things that you love to do with just that person, but that doesn’t copy and paste everywhere.
[01:13:19] So my movie buddies, like couple times I’ve gone to dinner with them. I’m just like, this is like, the conversation is really innate and I don’t, we don’t like the same kind of food and we’re kind of arguing over it. Wasn’t a good fit. And so like we can try to develop relationships with people and ask for what we want.
[01:13:37] We can practice. I love if you have someone that you have bad boundaries with, ask them to help. Tell them, you wanna start practicing? No. See if they’ll play with you, they might need to practice it too. So like, we can ask for the thing we want, that we’re struggling. We can ask that person to help us. And maybe that opens it up and maybe we’re like, oh, they’re like once every six months short lunch buddies or coffee at Starbucks, we get, we can decide how much of our bench we wanna give them, if that makes sense.
[01:14:06] Mm. So I wanna tap on, do I deserve juicy because I think that’s a really core thing karate up, even though I’m not so sure I deserve juicy friends, even though I’m not so sure I deserve juicy friends. I haven’t had so many juicy friends in the past. I haven’t had so many juicy friends in the past. And sometimes my caregivers taught me that I should tolerate people that I didn’t enjoy.
[01:14:32] And I was taught to tolerate people I didn’t enjoy. So I’m not so sure I get to have juicy friends. I’m not so sure. I get to have juicy friends top of the head. I don’t like that rule. I don’t like that rule. I eyebrow. Is it really fixed? Is it really fixed side of the eye or am I just not used to it or am I just not used to it under the eye?
[01:14:59] Did my subconscious decide I don’t deserve it cuz I didn’t get it. My subconscious decide what I, I, I, I don’t deserve it because I didn’t get it that I don’t deserve it because I didn’t get it. . Under those tricky subconscious brain tricky subconscious brain. Ken, I’m gonna go out and get it. I’m gonna go out and get it.
[01:15:22] Color bone. I can start taking baby steps today. I can start taking baby steps today under the arm. I can notice what feels juicy. I can notice what feels juicy top of the head. I do have these old beliefs in my head, and I do have some old beliefs in my head, but I don’t need to keep them, but I don’t need to keep them.
[01:15:45] They’re not very juicy. They’re not very juicy.
[01:15:52] And for some people there may be old traumas. Maybe you were reaching out to someone fun and they got slapped down or told you weren’t being fair to some other friend. If there’s specific things coming up around that, write them down, bring them to a circle call or do some tapping on them because things can get locked into place around certain experiences.
[01:16:11] So if you like, if you tap, you can start, start releasing that. And you can also flex that muscle of asking for what you want and noticing what would feel juicy for you. Mm-hmm and you can start creating a bunch of people that are like, oh, I, what, what do I wanna do tonight? Oh, maybe that person is available.
[01:16:29] They’d probably be really juicy. We can try out this experience together. And if it doesn’t work, we can discuss it or I’ll try someone else next time. I think there’s a sense of loyalty that often keeps us locked in. And who are we? What are we actually being loyal to? And why isn’t our experience as important as the loyalty to someone else?
[01:16:52] So mentioned, um, we’re coming to the, to the end of the workshop right now, but this is an ongoing thing. You know, we, if your nature is to limit the time we spend with people that are, that are kind of not very juicy, sort of watery, but not in a, a balanced way. Um, we’re inviting at least the, the exploration of if I were to make a, a request, a, a significant, but small request or sharing of what would, what I’m looking for, that I believe that this person is capable potentially of, of bringing, um, and get clear on that for yourself.
[01:17:42] Now you may choose, you may make. The decision, you know, as I’ve really explored this, I actually don’t want that from this person. I want it, you know, I want, I, I don’t want it from them. Um, But in the process of being clear, you’ll find out what, like, I don’t think I deserved juicy. Where did that come from?
[01:18:08] Jeez. You know, and, or like, I can’t say that because that would make me selfish because I’m saying what I want in the relationship. Whoa. Okay. Well, that’s active in me. that feels big tap, tap, tap. We have the thriving now circle thriving now.com/circle. And with those types of things, come up as you’re developing the skill of cultivating juicy relationships and even your own mango mango Grove.
[01:18:38] Um, Those are the, the circle calls that we have are where we can go deeper into your specific, um, blocks or challenges or beliefs that you want to shift. Um, if we’re we’re avoidant, that’s really helpful because we can end up feeling pretty constrained. And someone mentioned too. And I, I think that this is important, you know, trauma has a way of, of concretizing.
[01:19:07] Some people where, what they’re juicy around is, is very, um, this, but not a whole lot of other things. And, and maybe spiritually we’re aware that there’s a lot, that they have the potential and even like a, a craving for that, that just doesn’t feel safe for them. So someone mentioned that the friend, you know, they share iPhone tips and things and learn about the iPhone together.
[01:19:31] And that’s really great. And they share a history of, um, Some things too, and maybe that’s the context, but where like you have this desire for more depth and every time you bring it up, they get defensive. Um, I, I, as, as a, as a coach and someone who really wants people to be thriving and feel emotionally free, it would be cruel for me to assert that someone is, is, uh, unwilling to change.
[01:20:06] Um, just because I want them to change. Um, there are, there are people, um, who on the diversity spectrum, uh, do not have the same relationship to their body or their emotions that, that you may, there are people that, uh, like I’m super, em, empathetic almost to the point where I have to watch becoming hyper empathetic
[01:20:32] Um, and there are people that empathy. Is only something that they can fake and not because they’re a bad person, they just don’t have that circuit. And if that, if that spectrum exists from the hyper empathetic to the people, that that empathy is just not like, if you do things that are an empathetic person who identifies and knows themselves an empath, and you put 'em into an MRI and they’re parts of their brain light up, and you take someone who doesn’t have that, their brain does not light up in those areas.
[01:21:09] If that spectrum exists, it exists then on a lot of different qualities about what feels good to us to be revealed and open, or be very much like inner aware. Um, some people want to be very achievement oriented and drive and drive themselves. And other people want to, to cultivate and, and do that. Some people want to go out and, and win and hunt and other people want to watch the hummingbird and provide nectar for living.
[01:21:44] Living beings and get to know them and, and watch and get to know them. Um, it is something that comes up in a, in a, a high percentage of rela relationship coaching that I do, that someone is looking at someone and thinks that they should, or they could, when from a more neutral perspective, what I’m often seeing is, um, no, so tending to yourself and that’s where Cathy’s test the waters.
[01:22:19] Like you ask something and if what you get back is not, you know, that’s really important for me too. And I’m really like awkward, like, or I don’t know how to do that. Like, that’s openness, right? That’s, , you know, I’m a terrible encourager. Uh, okay. Well, you know, like that. That kind of engagement can take us into juicy relationships that maybe aren’t all about the sweetness, but it can be, you know, the real, um, I have some relationships where just being rock solid with each other is what matters.
[01:22:57] Um, so, and I also encourage you, if you have a long term relationship with someone and you’re asking for a big change, you may wanna give them a couple times the first time they might just be really surprised, cuz you’re like going along, doing the same thing. And then all of a sudden it could feel really, they may not be able to understand what you want.
[01:23:17] If the relationship is important to you, it’s okay to like give it a couple tries, start with baby steps and, and see how it goes versus like writing them off at the first, the first, what are you talking about? Could you bring us to a close Kathy close right to. I invite you all to put your hand on your heart and take a nice, slow, deep breath, ah, and notice that what you want, what you value matters, you are allowed.
[01:23:48] And I’m a, I’m a doctor PhD, but doctor. So this is your prescription for the, for the rest of your life, you are allowed to pursue and enjoy what lights you up. You do not have to stay in things out of obligation. You do not have to stay in relationships out of guilt, your heart, and what lights you up is really important.
[01:24:12] Is it, it is, is equally important. If not more, because you’re the only one who’s out there looking out for you in that way as what the other person wants or needs. So unless you have a small child, in which case, all bets are off everybody else in the world, all the adults get to be responsible somewhat for themselves, and you get to choose what’s GC for you.
[01:24:32] And you get to choose where you invest your time. So if you can just let your heart, the cells in your heart, feel that and notice that. And if that’s a big shift for you, it’s okay. You just have to just try it on for a little bit. What would be really do you see for you right now? You just had a long call.
[01:24:52] Is it to go to bed? I’m gonna go in the hot tub. I’m gonna like, what, what, it doesn’t have to be with another person, but how could you treat yourself in a juicy, loving way? And when you’re with people, let your heart matter equally, if not more than the other persons in terms of what you desire and how you spend your time.
[01:25:14] So invite you to try that on. Yeah. Thank you, Kathy. Yeah. Appreciate you all. Um, and we continue, um, We’ll we’ll be emailing out if you’re not on our email list, for some reason, thriving now.com sign up there. And, um, we’d like to keep in touch with you. Thriving now.center is, uh, our very, Hmm. Do you see for me space where we get to engage around these subjects?
[01:25:44] The, uh, uh, you’re invited there. It’s, it’s free for our community, so thank you. Yeah, bye. For now.
- What makes a relationship juicy for you?
- What definitely does NOT make a relationship juicy?
- What stops you from taking action to change things?
- What stops you from asking for what would shift the relationship to being juicier for you?
- Are we trying to make them something they are NOT? A lemon is not a mango and never will be.
- What juicy qualities do you want to offer more of in relationships?
- When we’re missing someone, what clues does that give us about what remains desired by us?
Great to have you on this journey with us!