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Yearning’s Edge
[00:00:00] Rick: Yearning’s Edge. This is a real skills workshop. Why? Well, you know, I watched some people, they were navigating this, um, edge along the top of a ridge with their mountain bikes. Now, I do not have that skill
[00:00:22] Cathy: or that yearning,
[00:00:24] Rick: and I actually don’t have that yearning. But I do love, I yearn for that sense of spaciousness and the beautiful vista and how much you can see the world differently from altitude.
So there’s an edge. There’s an edge with our yearning. Some of it is, oh, I yearn for that experience or yearn for that. And there’s some skills that are a part of it. Some are physical skills, but a lot of them are emotional skills. Yearning guide when, when we’re in a place of [00:01:00] yearning and we’re using that as activation energy, it can guide us to the physical skills, the emotional skills, the relational skills, the financial skills, the um, clarity skills that can really make a difference in our ThrivingNow and onwards.
But you know what? Earnings can cut too, can’t they? Cathy?
[00:01:25] Cathy: They really can. They can debilitate. They can overwhelm, they can hurt when we have them. And I think sometimes we, I notice myself kind of dampening or tuning out the signals from my system when I want something that feels like I won’t get it.
Like it hurts, that hurts to want something and have the belief that I can’t achieve it. So that can be very painful. Um, at times, especially when we have that belief, that strong belief. Like I really want it, like if we really tune into ourselves, like, I really want something, but I don’t think. The [00:02:00] universe will let me have it.
I don’t think I can achieve that. It just, the, the pain of that is, is deep and it can really stop us in our tracks.
[00:02:09] Rick: Mm-hmm. And
[00:02:09] Cathy: I don’t think our systems like to face that because mixed into that, at least for me and I think for a lot of other people is maybe I don’t deserve it. I’m not good enough. You know, other people get things.
I don’t, there’s like a lot of painful, like stories we tell ourselves mixed in with that. I want this thing, but I’m not getting it. I don’t, I haven’t, you know, it’s not coming to me. Even if I’m making effort towards it, it’s just like, feels elusive. And that’s, it’s hard to look at that. It’s hard to be with that.
Um, and I think it’s often because we’ve entangled it with stories, we’ve conflated two different things. My worthiness and my ability to get this thing. Maybe I just am not getting this thing and I’m perfectly worthy and still a good person. And I don’t think many of us are raised that way.
[00:02:56] Rick: I’m Rick from ThrivingNow.
This is Cathy from ThrivingNow [00:03:00] and TheIntimacyDojo, and today we’re going to be touching on this and I wanna put yearning in a context as perhaps one of the most natural energies that rises. You see this in children, my, my four year and three quarter year old. It’s very specific. Had a yearning to be a monkey, bar monkey, and to be able to do it really well.
And we’ve been taking micro steps, my micro steps for years now. And the other day we were at the playground and she just, she waited her turn, she hopped up there and she. At four and three quarters was doing the monkey bars better than a lot of other kids who are [00:04:00] older. And you know, they, her yearning drove her to learn how to grip and develop that physical strength, the skill of how to swing, which a lot of the kids that couldn’t do it, even if they’re older, they just didn’t have that skill.
But she’d been practicing it and developing it to
[00:04:18] Cathy: the point of blisters. Like we were like, Adira, maybe you should stop because your hands are getting hot and blistering. And she’s like, no, I’m gonna do more. Like she had a very strong yearning for that.
[00:04:29] Rick: Yeah. I remember times though, where her earn yearning had an edge.
Mm-hmm. Where she just couldn’t do it or couldn’t do it again. And when she landed, instead of landing firmly and confidently, um. She landed in disappointment. And when she landed in disappointment, you could tell like she’d hit the ground harder. She land, she, she stops and [00:05:00] doesn’t make it a lot of times.
But when she’s not in that edge of yearning, the sharp cutting edge of yearning, she might land and fall over. But she’s like, I’m okay. Do you see the difference? Right. And so I’ve. Definitely not taught her the disappointment engine. That’s the edge, that’s an edge in, uh, yearning. But she inherited it from me, from what I could tell, because she, when she gets that edge of disappointment, it goes to what?
Shut down. I’m never gonna do this again. I’m never going, you know, I am more of, I’ll never be able to, but she’s more of the shutdown of, I’m not even going to try. I’m not even going to ask, I’m never gonna play with you again. I’m never gonna come here again. You see that? Now, if, if we can look at a four and three quarter a year old who, if you’ve been a subscriber, you’ve gotten to know Adara since she was, you know, you know a belly [00:06:00] baby.
Um,
[00:06:01] Cathy: you scroll down to the bottom of the newsletter to see the picture of what’s, what’s going on there,
[00:06:07] Rick: what’s going on there. And you know, in her, I recognize me. And that there is in that edge,
the disappointment is trying to protect me. The disappointment is saying, uh, unless you really want this, unless this really is core to you, we’ll shut down and preserve our energy. Now that recognition says, Hey, there’s a, there’s an edge of, of disappointment. Um, there’s an edge in yearning that can lead us into disappointment.
There’s an EA further edge, which can leave us. Um, and whoever’s doing the thumbs up, if you could, you could, uh, [00:07:00] um, hold off on those reactions. Uh, they come across the screen. Thanks. Um,
[00:07:06] Cathy: we love the reactions.
[00:07:07] Rick: Yeah, you, you can put it in the chat. Um, there’s this place where, guess what? I actually shut down.
And when we go from a yearning that’s really core to us, to a shutdown, part of it also affects every other yearning and there’s a carryover. I
[00:07:30] Cathy: think one of the core things about that though is so many, our society in general and so many of us were not taught how to deal with disappointment. Yeah. We were taught that disappointment means we’re a failure.
We’re bad, we’re wrong. Like
[00:07:44] Rick: we should just not safe.
[00:07:44] Cathy: Never. Yeah. Don’t go there ever again. You were too stupid to even try. Like I’ll tell 'em this is words I like. What was I even thinking of trying? Why was I even trying? Like what an idiot I’m, I should have known better and like I’ve heap I I may feel [00:08:00] disappointed.
That’s
[00:08:00] Rick: pretty shut down language, isn’t it? Yeah.
[00:08:03] Cathy: Can we do some Tapping on that?
[00:08:06] Rick: Yeah. We use e EFT Tapping as one of our tools in our skill tool toolbox. So when something comes up that’s alive for you, that’s an edge that cuts rather than an edge that, wow. Look at the vista. Um, we do some Tapping, and this is, we’re gonna, uh, Cathy, if you’ll lead it, um, these shut down languages that you use.
So if you’re, if you have a yearning for something and maybe your language is about, you know, the shutdown of being stupid or unwise or worse, um, tune into for a moment before we do the Tapping. What is it for you? You may have a whole palette of criticisms. Uh, I do. Uh, I’ve tapped on them. I continue to tap on them if they happen to come up.
Um, what’s [00:09:00] yours?
[00:09:04] Cathy: I.
You are welcome to change the language as we tap too. So if I say something that doesn’t match for you, just go ahead and shift it. I think that a lot of us have learned these from our parents or our caregivers. My mom was, does not handle other people’s pain very well. So I remember even little things like I would stu my toe and she’d be like, you should have been wearing slippers.
I told you to wear slippers and it wouldn’t have hurt. I’m like. Slippers would, I would’ve still hurt my toe. But she, she wanted there to be an out for every, like, she, I think she, in her mind, if she was a good mother, no one would ever get hurt. Like she, she helped us enough. I, I think it didn’t come from maliciousness.
Um, but she didn’t wanna see us hurt, so she taught us, oh, you should know that you couldn’t do that. Or, you know, why did you try? Like, if that would, because she didn’t wanna see us in pain. So I [00:10:00] learned it from her a lot. And again, I don’t think she meant it maliciously, but it wasn’t very empowering either.
So, invite you to just take a nice, gentle breath. And notice where you are if you can. We, we shift better when we’re in a state of calmness and groundedness when we know we’re safe. Um, if we feel threatened, our primitive brain is reactive, and it’s much harder to shift our beliefs. So I invite you, if you want you to look around the room and notice that you, hopefully you’re all in a safe space.
You’re comfortable, you’re here in the circle with us. So just notice that. Notice you’re safe. Breathe into your body. Notice the chair, whatever you’re sitting on, you’re supported. And one of the things we wanna do is we wanna be with the pain, but we also wanna be with reality and safety at the same time.
And that’s a, that’s a trick to do. Um, a lot of this is very intense and it’s very easy to tip into the cup of everything’s bad, but
[00:10:58] Rick: mm-hmm. Or
[00:10:58] Cathy: we can bring ourselves back [00:11:00] to, oh, both are true. I am safe right now and I have some beliefs and fears and pains. Um, that, that balancing point is very powerful and can help our brain shift these patterns a lot more effectively.
So, another nice deep breath, Karate Chop:, even though I don’t handle disappointment well,
[00:11:20] Rick: even though I don’t handle disappointment well,
[00:11:23] Cathy: I tell myself all kinds of stories.
[00:11:26] Rick: I tell myself all kinds of stories.
[00:11:29] Cathy: I wonder if they’re all true.
[00:11:32] Rick: I wonder if they’re all true.
[00:11:34] Cathy: Part of me wants to believe them.
[00:11:36] Rick: Part of me wants to believe them.
[00:11:38] Cathy: They’re a good solution in a way.
[00:11:43] Rick: They’re a good solution in a way,
[00:11:45] Cathy: but not a very powerful one,
[00:11:47] Rick: but not a very powerful one.
[00:11:49] Cathy: Top of the Head:, they really do shut down the disappointment.
[00:11:53] Rick: They really do shut down the disappointment.
[00:11:55] Cathy: I rather, by making me feel terrible about myself
[00:11:58] Rick: by making me feel [00:12:00] terrible about myself,
[00:12:01] Cathy: Side of the Eye:, air appendicitis will always cure a toothache.
[00:12:06] Rick: Appendicitis will always cure a toothache
[00:12:09] Cathy: Under the Eye:, or at least distract you from it,
[00:12:12] Rick: or at least distract you from it.
[00:12:14] Cathy: Under the Nose:, I’m hurting myself worse. By shutting down my disappointment,
[00:12:21] Rick: I’m hurting myself worse by shutting down my disappointment,
[00:12:24] Cathy: Tim, I tell myself I’m stupid for wanting something.
[00:12:28] Rick: I tell myself I’m stupid for wanting something
[00:12:31] Cathy: Collarbone:. I should have known better
[00:12:34] Rick: and I should have known better
[00:12:36] Cathy: under there. What was I thinking?
[00:12:39] Rick: You must not be thinking
[00:12:42] Cathy: Top of the Head:. Who am I to want that?
[00:12:45] Rick: Who am I to want that?
[00:12:48] Cathy: Eyebrow:? I never get the things I really want.
[00:12:51] Rick: I never get the things I really want
[00:12:54] Cathy: Side of the Eye:.
None of those statements are true,
[00:12:57] Rick: but none of those statements are true [00:13:00]
[00:13:00] Cathy: Under the Eye:. And I’d like to release them
[00:13:05] Rick: and I’d like to release them
[00:13:07] Cathy: Under the Nose:. What if I could just be with my disappointment?
[00:13:11] Rick: What if I could just be with my disappointment,
[00:13:14] Cathy: Chin:, just notice that I’m disappointed.
[00:13:17] Rick: Just notice that I am disappointed,
[00:13:20] Cathy: Collarbone:, and I’m still okay.
[00:13:23] Rick: And I’m still okay.
[00:13:25] Cathy: Under the Arm:, I can actually handle being disappointed.
[00:13:30] Rick: I can actually handle disa being disappointed.
[00:13:33] Cathy: Top of the Head:. It’s actually a signal to dig deeper,
[00:13:37] Rick: and it may be a signal to dig deeper,
[00:13:39] Cathy: which might be really brilliant
[00:13:42] Rick: and which might be really brilliant.
[00:13:44] Cathy: I invite you to take a breath. Um, my thought on this, and I’m actually started writing a book. I haven’t finished it on this, um, that there’s a gift and disappointment.
A lot of us shut it down. We don’t wanna feel disappointment, so we blame ourselves or blame [00:14:00] other people, or, you know, get in a loop. We get away from the disappointment, but disappointment indicates we didn’t get something that we want. And I go back to the original, the original definition of sin is off the mark.
To sin is to be off the mark. We haven’t aimed true yet, so disappointment means that we haven’t gotten to what we want, and if we dig down deeper. Say, I wanna, I really wanna have, I have a good friend that I haven’t seen in a while. I really wanna have lunch with Reed. I really wanna spend time with him.
Um, I’m feeling disappointed. He’s in Europe. I can’t see him. He’s very busy. Um, and I can just, I can get caught up in that person, in that one experience that my mind paints a picture as a specific restaurant. We’re eating food, we’re having a great time, the weather’s lovely. All those things that we kind of subconsciously attach to it.
Um, and the truth is, he, he’s a wonderful person, but he can be a pain in the butt sometimes. Like if I had lunch with him, it doesn’t necessarily look like what I am [00:15:00] picturing. So I could be very disappointed even if I had lunch with him right now. Um, but if I dig down in the experience, oh, I would just spent a week and a half with Rick and the kids and Gem, and felt very connected.
Oh, I’m missing that connection. I’m missing turning around and having a four and three quarter year old cuddle me and ask me to please like, let her watch Elsa on on my computer. Um, there’s like, I’m missing that kind of day-to-day connection. Okay, what can I do to create that? It can’t be Reed, he’s in Europe.
I can’t go back to Asheville right now. I actually have to show up at work in San Jose, so, huh. I do have some friends that are not quite as close, that are close and I can live nearby and I can ask them for lunch. So I can have some of that connection that I want. I can get on Zoom with the kids and the family.
There’s things I can, if I dig deeper, that disappointment, that wanting, that yearning is pointing to [00:16:00] something I may not be able to get specifically what my brain is making up, but it’s actually there’s some kind of wanting in my system. And if I can be with the disappointment and just dig a little deeper, if I’m not just shutting myself down immediately, I can find out what it is that I can create that is valid for me, what’s accessible to me, and that helps me feel more empowered.
Yeah, I can’t have lunch with, with Reed or with Rick, but I can get on Zoom with them or I could, you know, call, call some other friends that might fit some of that need. So I don’t know if that, did I explain that clearly?
[00:16:37] Rick: Yeah, very much. I think that that’s a, an experience that we, everyone I know has had that experience where we get locked in and yearning edge.
There’s, there’s the negative edge of yearning where it cuts us and causes some pain. Um, but there’s also the edge of yearning, which can cut through. It can cut through the noise. [00:17:00] And this for me is a skill that I’ve been practicing consciously. 'cause I need it so much. So if there’s an unwanted reality or something like what Cathy was describing, if I name the yearning, I yearn for.
Deep, warm connection. I have a profound yearning for deep warm connections of many flavors. Okay, now maybe you, if you’re empathetic, you could just feel what happened inside my energy as soon as I stated that and tuned it, like, that’s absolutely true. I, I have, I have a yearning for deep, warm connection, engagement of all kinds.
Now, as soon as I’m in touch with the yearning, I see some friendly faces that I and names on [00:18:00] this. You all have been kin with me in this deep, warm connection. Um, we cross oceans to connect with one another. I’m getting tingles now. Now, I could have used the other edge of, of yearning. I really wish that Cathy was a zip line ride away at the house that’s for sale down across the street.
I’m like, it hurts. It hurts that that’s not our reality. And can maybe you can feel that in yourself where there’s, and that’s where the, the emotional freedom skill is to be able to hold both. Like the yearning would love to express itself this way and this way and this way. Ouch. And the yearning itself is sacred.
It is something that’s innate. [00:19:00] It rises. It falls, sometimes it falls away. And other yearnings rise as well. Um. But this is at least an aspect of the skill is to, is to get down by yourself or with help of a friend or, or, or someone, a coach. Um, even an AI like, Hey, what is it that I’m actually yearning here?
Here’s the situation. What are some of the, the emotional states are different than like the having lunch is an experience and as Cathy says, having lunch can go
[00:19:41] Cathy: Yeah. In a
[00:19:42] Rick: lot of different directions.
[00:19:44] Cathy: The person could you in a bad mood,
[00:19:46] Rick: right? Kinda like a hike with the kids. Um, go a lot of different directions.
Jeremy is less
[00:19:51] Cathy: mile appeal Dad.
[00:19:53] Rick: Yeah. Go a lot of different directions. Um, if I think about [00:20:00] that, like emotionally, I get a little flummox, but if my yearning more, my, my more pure natural yearning is I, I love being physical in nature with those I love, and that includes my kids, my partner. Anyone I’ve, I’ve talked to some of you like, yeah, if we live next door, we’d be going for walks together.
A walk and talk with you would be amazing. Now as I think about that person and I start getting a little teary again, because yearning often has, even when it lands on something that can’t happen in reality, um, we can have an emotional reaction. I could be shut down, like, look, it’s never gonna happen and blah, blah, blah.
Well, that unfortunately would carry with it a lot of the yearning about being in nature. Physically alive, my association and savoring gets cut down. Yeah. When we shut down [00:21:00] something. Um, and shut down is different than redirecting. Redirecting the energy is, as Cathy said, finding ways that, you know, I could have connection, loving connection, warm connection with that person.
No, it’s not the same as Adera, but you know, it’s, it, it would be nice. I it’s a different flavor. Adult connection over lunch. Do you see? And, and that’s why I call it a skill. I, some people do that naturally, but I, not the way I was wired and trained, well, I think as a kind of natural redirection is not, I’m trying to, I, I am practicing this the best I can with the humans that are in my world, including you all and definitely myself.
It’s not a trivial kind of thing. It some, I don’t think it’s
[00:21:50] Cathy: modeled the com, our commercialism, like the magazines and TV we watch, they point to a specific thing. You want to be popular and, and have [00:22:00] white teeth and have everybody fawning on you in the center of everything and you’re wealthy and smart and every they point to very particular things.
They don’t say, oh, if you don’t like this deodorant, you should buy this other kind or anything like that. It’s like, no, this specific thing. So I think it’s very modeled for us. And I Rick, you, you said in your newsletter, and I think you said something here too, yearning is part of our life force. If we stop yearning, all of us have met people I imagine that are very depressed and shut down and don’t like, I don’t care, whatever you want.
And I don’t think that’s a natural expression. I think it’s, it’s something that can happen. But they probably have learned to. Not want things, and I, I hope it’s not too gruesome, but Pavlov’s dogs, there was a second experiment. So the first experiment, he rang a bell every time they ate and they learned, if they heard the bell that food was come, they would start salivating even if the food wasn’t there.
They ran a second experiment where they gave them an [00:23:00] electric shock every time they ate, and very quickly they stopped wanting food and they just laid down and just kind of gave up. And I think we’re seeing people like that in our lives that have been taught just to give up, that the yearning is so painful if you’re not taught the skill or have no models for dealing with disappointment.
It’s like getting an electric shock to your system. That disappointment is like, my system doesn’t, my nervous system does not know what to do with this feeling. I am overwhelmed and I’m gonna either beat myself up or shut down, or. You know what? Or panic. You know, a lot of, I’ve seen people panic when they don’t get what they want.
I’ve been there some more times than I like to admit, but there’s that feeling of, oh my God, I’m not gonna survive this. And now it becomes a traumatic
[00:23:45] Rick: experience. You did. You need some Tapping on the, oh my God, I’m not gonna survive this. Yeah. Survive not getting this.
[00:23:51] Cathy: Yeah. Again, invite you you to take a nice deep breath.
I put in earlier the, um, if you start getting overwhelmed, we have grounding exercises that [00:24:00] can help bring you back to your, your help ground, your nervous system, ThrivingNow dot com slash grounding. Um, if you need those Karate Chop:, even though I’m feeling disappointed,
[00:24:13] Rick: no, I am feeling disappointed
[00:24:15] Cathy: and my nervous system thinks I’m gonna die
[00:24:19] Rick: and part of my nervous system thinks I’m gonna die
[00:24:22] Cathy: because I’m not getting something I think I need
[00:24:24] Rick: because I’m not getting something I think I need
[00:24:27] Cathy: and I have not learned to digest this emotion.
[00:24:31] Rick: And I have not learned how to digest this emotion.
[00:24:35] Cathy: The disappointment feels lethal.
[00:24:40] Rick: Yeah, the disappointment feels lethal.
[00:24:43] Cathy: I, bro, I think I’m going to die.
[00:24:45] Rick: I think I’m going to die.
[00:24:47] Cathy: Sadia. I must get this thing.
[00:24:50] Rick: I must get this thing or else
[00:24:52] Cathy: Under the Eye:, or I’ll have to shut everything down. Or
[00:24:55] Rick: I’ll have to shut everything down,
[00:24:57] Cathy: huh?
Under the Nose:, I’m going into a freeze [00:25:00] response.
[00:25:03] Rick: There I am going into a freeze response. Again, I
[00:25:06] Cathy: can, I can’t fight or flee from this disappointment.
[00:25:10] Rick: I can’t fight or flee from this disappointment
[00:25:13] Cathy: Collarbone:. So I’ll just shut myself down.
[00:25:17] Rick: I’ll just shut myself down
[00:25:19] Cathy: Under the Arm:. That’s really tough
[00:25:21] Rick: and that’s really tough.
[00:25:23] Cathy: Top head. What if I could learn to tolerate disappointment?
[00:25:28] Rick: What if I could learn to tolerate disappointment
[00:25:31] Cathy: and just leave it that question floating around, take a breath.
One of the things I’ve been digging deeply into is learning how to tolerate things that I thought I could never tolerate. And it’s literally, sometimes it’s like I’m going to step into it for a split second, not even a full second and back off. And then I just kind of be with the after effects of that and just kind of again, a [00:26:00] little bit later step into it.
And it really helps to have support, especially if you’re dealing with something your nervous system associates with a lot of danger. But if you think about it, disappointment and, you know, like trauma are pretty close, closely related. It’s just depth of, of, of feeling trauma means I think there’s something I, I’m going to be through.
Either there’s something that I need or have to do or has to happen for me to survive and I can’t make it happen. Disappointment’s closely related to that. Yeah. And trauma. We can run away from it. We can shut, we can fight it or we can freeze. We can also fawn, but that doesn’t work very well in disappointment that I’ve noticed.
I’m curious if anyone thinks differently. Differently.
[00:26:45] Rick: Oh, I watch my two little amps. Uh.
Spawning is like, please, pretty like behind that, they’re trying to get it. And when they don’t [00:27:00] get that, then you see the real disappointment behind it. Yeah. Um, four,
[00:27:04] Cathy: four at three quarters years old can throw good temper tantrums
[00:27:07] Rick: and, and yeah. It applies to me too. And me and I, I, I honor that we’re getting together to touch on really deep human experiences and that, um,
it’s been uncomfortable to notice the, a yearning and
notice how by default I’ll get fixated on the, on a thing. Or a picture of an experience mm-hmm. And how, um, sticky that is. Um, how much it can [00:28:00] feel like I, it can go from a yearning and, and become a bitterness and it can become a compulsion.
I have to, I have to have it. You all know me if, if I have to or could, or should, rises in me. I’ve learned that that’s a clue. It means my primitive brain is in charge right now. And what has been working better is to acknowledge the primitive brain where I feel it in my body. And to, and to give it a bit of a direction.
Like what is my true yearning here? What is my true yearning here? Just by asking that. Um, and this is how I might tap, even though I yearn for that,
[00:28:57] Cathy: even though I yearn for that
[00:28:59] Rick: and I’m putting so [00:29:00] much energy toward it,
[00:29:01] Cathy: I’m putting so much energy toward it. There
[00:29:03] Rick: must be something important here for me.
[00:29:06] Cathy: There must be something important here for me.
[00:29:11] Rick: I wonder what my true yearning is.
[00:29:14] Cathy: I wonder what my true yearning is,
[00:29:16] Rick: even though this is becoming bitter,
[00:29:19] Cathy: even though this is becoming bitter.
[00:29:21] Rick: There’s an edge of compulsion now.
[00:29:23] Cathy: There’s an edge of compulsion now.
[00:29:27] Rick: Uh, and it’s so frustrating. I don’t have it.
[00:29:31] Cathy: It’s so frustrating. I don’t have it.
[00:29:35] Rick: What is my true yearning here?
[00:29:38] Cathy: What is my true yearning here?
[00:29:41] Rick: Top of the Head:. It’s not the thing.
[00:29:43] Cathy: It’s not the thing
[00:29:45] Rick: Eyebrow:, it’s probably not the thing.
[00:29:48] Cathy: It’s probably not the thing
[00:29:50] Rick: Side of the Eye:, but there’s something here.
[00:29:52] Cathy: But there’s something here
[00:29:54] Rick: Under the Eye:.
There’s some yearning here.
[00:29:56] Cathy: There’s some yearning here.
[00:29:58] Rick: Something that [00:30:00] matters to me,
[00:30:00] Cathy: something that matters to me.
[00:30:03] Rick: I at least wanna know what that is.
[00:30:05] Cathy: I at least wanna know what that is
[00:30:08] Rick: so I can rest there.
[00:30:10] Cathy: So I can rest there.
[00:30:13] Rick: I may still want that thing,
[00:30:15] Cathy: I may still want that thing,
[00:30:19] Rick: but I’d like to be very clear about the yearning.
[00:30:21] Cathy: But I’d like to be very clear about the hearing.
[00:30:25] Rick: Take a deep breath. Now, I used a very generic exam. You know, that’s, that’s the approach I use. Um, I really want. A self-driving Tesla model YI actually want the six passenger version, which is only produced in China, which adds an additional level of bitterness and whatever to it, right?
And, you know, I have, I fall, I’ve, I am following about 20 different accounts on x [00:31:00] that post about, uh, this vehicle show it in different custom colors. All of, can you see that there’s an edge of, now if I’m clear about the yearning,
it’s, you know, I, I’m, I’m often the driver for my family. And when I’m driving, I take the res, I yearn to be a responsible driver on the road, one that’s aware of what’s going on in all directions. I really do. And I want to deliver my family safely and myself to our destination. And I have a yearning to be able to go look at that horse.
Isn’t it the most beautiful thing? I can’t do that. I can’t turn my whole body and take my eye off the road. I can’t do that. That wouldn’t be safe. So my yearning is to be able for all of us to be [00:32:00] able to talk and point and do other things while we’re traveling from place to place for me to be able to take in the beauty of our mountains and everything else, rather than being the sole responsible person for navigating a multi ton vehicle around tight turns on a mountain, uh, highway or Mount Mountain Parkway.
Now when I land on that, there’s still a yearning. And I can feel that the yearning hasn’t ripened to, to be like manifest. It doesn’t actually even exist in my world. The reality is that, that I can’t actually go get that and it’s not approved for me to take my full attention off. It’s still supervised full self-driving, but it won’t be eventually, there will be a way for me to, to have [00:33:00] that and, and be driven from place to place by technology that’s twice a good a driver or 10 times as good a driver Right now that’s not, that’s not where we are.
I still now love seeing these beau, this beautiful technology evolve much better. There’s still a bit of an edge. I’m still tending to the edge 'cause I’m an impatient technologist too. That’s a different part of it. Um, that’s a yearning I haven’t tapped on yet. But do you see how when you, when you start getting compulsively fixated on something, if you drop back down into what, what really matters to me here?
Where’s, what’s the source of this yearning that really matters? That that doesn’t, it’s not ephemeral, it’s not a, it’s, it’s in me. And when we do that, um,
the vista opens up in a [00:34:00] different way. Yeah. And again, I tapped on, even though I’m obsessed with getting this, and I’m really, I’m past the point of being silly. Right. Like, how many times should you run through the financial calculator and realize you can’t afford it? Like how many times, you know, after a dozen I’d collected a dozen, oh, there’s a new way, there’s a new interest rate, blah, blah, blah.
Right? But I haven’t done that since I, since we scheduled this workshop, and I’ve, I used that yearning as an example, but I tapped at about five or six different things until I really got back to, oh, there’s something about being the driver that disconnects me from the people that are in the car.
Because my responsibility to their safety, it is paramount. So the yearning is to, to have safety for my family, and the yearning is to be able to travel from place to place [00:35:00] and really be connected. What’s interesting here is that it also pointed out why I don’t like flying. With the family as much because it’s really hard to talk in a loud airplane.
It’s really hard to have an intimate conversation when other people are hearing. And with four people in the family, we can’t even sit like all together. Isn’t that interesting? Mm-hmm. So this is where Yearning Edge can cut through some of the things like, oh, okay. That’s one of the, one of the aspects of flying, which makes it not very juicy to me.
[00:35:38] Cathy: Well, you’re getting clarity about yourself, which knowledge about yourself is powerful. And I just wanna give an over kind of an overview of what we’re talking about. We were talking about shutdown. Yeah. And we’re talking about yearning. So shutdown is one side of the one extreme, like I can’t ever get what I want.
I’m just gonna give up on wanting the other side, is that [00:36:00] compulsion and. It’s very choppy. Like I think of giving up as kind of sinking to the bottom of the ocean. You’re just like, I’m not gonna try to swim at all. Um, when we’re on the surface of the ocean, it can be very choppy. That’s where like kind of where that compulsion, I’ve got to have that.
If I just get that promotion at work, I’ll be safe. My family will be safe. Nothing bad’s gonna, we often make up stories. Rick is making up a story to a certain extent that if he had this, this model y seater, that everyone would be connected and lovely. And it’s not true because I’ve been with his family and I’ve been with other families, like, you’re not the most connected and having a good conversation.
Sometimes you’re like, I’m gonna dump you on the side of the road and leave. Um, so the compulsion is like the opposite side of it, where we’re like, we often weave in stories like I was making up that lunch would be perfectly connected and lovely and that I would get what I need when the odds are, you know, maybe 50 50, maybe less, maybe more.
But we create stories. If I got that raise, if I lost 30 pounds, if I looked a [00:37:00] certain way or if that person liked me, my life would be different. And we, we attach things that are not part of reality. We don’t even realize we’re doing. Our subconscious is helping us do it. Yeah. So if you notice something, a very strong compulsion to get something, and that’s, it’s, I think that takes self-awareness to notice the difference between, I really want this thing and I’m willing to work towards it, and a compulsion where I have to get this.
Like, you know, if it’s not oxygen food or shelter or, you know, some, some love in your life, like, it’s probably a compulsion. It’s like, I must get this thing to be safe. And that’s very, as Rick said earlier, it’s very primitive brain. Our primitive brain likes black and white thinking. It likes to, if I achieve this thing, then I’ll be safe.
If I get this thing, then I’ll be loved. And it’s, it’s not actually true. If we can be with the yearning and the possibility of disappointment, we can start getting clarity. But many of us have been taught. I’m [00:38:00] going to run from the feeling of yearning. I’m gonna run from the feeling of disappointment, so we’re never still with it long enough.
I love meditation for that, but even just quiet contemplation, writing out what do I think this would actually look like? Is this real? Is this likely that if I win, you know, I win the Nobel Peace Prize, I will suddenly be completely happy in my life? No, it’s not even very likely that I’d be nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize.
So maybe I should find something. What is it about that that I want? If that’s something I want, what is it that you know, I wanna be recognized for what I did. By recognizing myself. Am I asking my friends to help appreciate me? Am I allowing it in there? There might be a lot of different things going on, but we wanna find a balance between, I’m gonna shut down 'cause I’m never gonna get this thing and I’m gonna be compulsive and try to make it happen no matter what to like, oh, can I be with this?
Can it, is there? I notice when I’m in a balanced place, there’s room for negotiation, navigation, things shifting. When I’m in [00:39:00] compulsion, it must look like, just like that. When I’m shut down, I have no energy to even try to get it. So just to kind of give a, a, you know, 3000 foot view of what we’re talking about.
[00:39:18] Rick: And when we recognize it in ourselves, we start seeing it in our children and in the world and we can.
We can often imagine or guess even with people that can’t articulate what’s alive for them, what’s a, um, what’s a yearning that they have? And we get to know, we get to know, um, people that are close to us and we start, we can start mapping, um,
mapping out the yearnings. I, I believe [00:40:00] it’s a very intimate thing to understand what actually brings someone that we care about alive, what their deep yearning is. Yeah. Yearning. Um, and when we can speak to that, if, if someone says to me, I, I know you Rick, you yearn for exploring, like. The technology that’s gonna change us.
It’s what, when I saw e EFT Tapping and I used it on myself and I tried it with a couple of my massage clients, I was like, this is emotional technology. This could change how we navigate emotional landscapes, how we, I came to understand how much it can heal a trauma or, or recalibrate a, a limiting belief that stops us, [00:41:00] that shuts us down.
Um, I’ve come to certainly appreciate that, that Tapping, like any technology doesn’t. It doesn’t guarantee, doesn’t solve everything, but it’s certainly useful. So if you knew that I, I, I love technologies that are useful, it’s probably not a surprise that I have my own AI that’s tuned, um, to what we’ve shared in these workshops and the courses that we’ve done and in our and other things.
Um, it now has almost 2 million words that, that AI can tap into in a 10 word response. Like that’s interesting. Right. To me, I have a yearning to, to make things accessible and useful to anyone.
[00:41:55] Cathy: And, and you made Gus, the AI you’ve made is actually free and available to anyone [00:42:00] who wants to Yeah.
[00:42:01] Rick: ThrivingNow dot com slash guss is the shortcut.
Um, to go there and you can explore.
Because it’s a yearning. It’s active in the work that I do that matters. And if we look at the positive aspect of Yearning Edge, it can cut through, like all technology is, is got an edge, right? Uh, it doesn’t work. Will it work
[00:42:33] Cathy: for me? Will it work right now? Is it gonna change? Zoom’s
[00:42:35] Rick: working right now.
Woo-hoo. You know, no red marks, no fallouts, no dropouts. That could change in a minute. But if I’m clear that the yearning is I want to have workshops that people around the world can attend, that can also be done on a replay basis for people that are asleep right now. Um, isn’t it amazing? And if I’m, if I come back to that [00:43:00] yearning.
Then it also helps the energy of the frustrations. And it’s not there yet. And it’s not the way i, I want it to be. It cut, it can cut through the noise so that at least the part of me that’s more present with, well, what’s the yearning that drives this? If I ask someone who wants to start a business, I say, well, what’s the yearning that drives it?
Um, and they say, well, I, I, I wanna make a lot of money. Okay. Uh, that can drive someone, but that’s not the same as inspiring someone or fueling someone. And you can go like, ah, I wanna make more money. Okay. And what would that do for you? And this is kind of standard personal growth stuff is well, why does that matter to you
[00:43:55] Cathy: and why do you want that?
[00:43:57] Rick: Yeah, I yearned for freedom [00:44:00] of choice. You know, like to be able to have optionality that feels good and sufficient for thriving. I’m quite aware that there’s a baseline for everyone depending on what they need. Um, where if you’re below that line, it’s very stressful. Um, money doesn’t solve everything, but it solves money problems.
But the action, when people get stuck and or compulsive about money, either budgeting it or making it, they get shut down. It’s like, ah, this’ll never happen. I, I am, I am not someone that, that is lucky with money or that money comes to getting clearer about the yearning can reconnect us with actions. You know, if someone wants to build a business, they wanna build a family, being clear about the yearning, um, that it meets.
Um, I have a [00:45:00] yearning to be useful. I was born with it. I can feel it in my little baby self. Right? You know, I, there’s a part of me that just knows that me go, go gaga and up at my mama when she was all stressed and strained for good reason in her marriage, um, you know, it, it wasn’t survival. It’s like, oh, I like being, I like making people happy.
I like, you know, relieving pain. I like doing that. And when you’re, when you, when we each get clear on what it is that is a yearning that gets action from us, inspired action from us, those are touch points that we can go back to. And that becomes not just the neutral ground, but the fertile ground. When we first started Tapping, we talked about getting to okay and getting to neutral.
Even though I’m angry and rageful and vengeful, um, I’ve decided to be okay with what is, [00:46:00] even though I hate them and their pain in my neck, I feel it in my butt. I, you know, we tried to get to neutral, which is a good bedrock. That’s good practices. The work we’re doing with these skilled workshops is what’s my fertile ground that allows other things to grow from it.
Um, a thriving ecosystem with, with love and resources. Abundance with experiences like lunch with beloved people. Yes.
[00:46:31] Cathy: Well, I think one of the things, it’s important to drop into the why, what do we wanna get? Because a lot of us would love more money. Like we, we’ve done a number of courses on abundance and we, we totally support that for people.
But if we know why we wanna get it, that means, oh. Like, I really wanna get it so I can have great experiences and support people I love and feel secure in the world. That means I’m not gonna feel comfortable getting it by means that take, that are manipulative or, or cruel to other people. So like when we [00:47:00] first, I, we were back when I was first working, working with Rick 18 years ago, I wanted to study marketing to learn how to reach more people.
And the first couple courses I took were very pain marketing focused and I just felt ill taking them. I felt awful. 'cause it wasn’t, I wanted to be heart centered. I wanted it to be a, a growing width, not taking from. So I think when we, we can drop into the the why of what we’re doing, the craving, you know, that we have this yearning, we wanting something, if we get specific, if we can let ourselves be with those feelings that.
And kind of understand the direction we wanna go, that lets us have clarity and we’re much more likely to steer in a direction that’s aligned with ourselves. And I think that that’s very powerful because whenever I steer in a direction that’s not aligned with who I am, I lose power really quickly. Like there’s like, I’m telling myself I want this, but I’m not doing it.
And I get really frustrated and it’s like that spinning my wheels kind of feeling. It’s like, Ugh, [00:48:00] what’s going on? This doesn’t feel good in my body. So when we get more clarity, when we can drop into the yearning and like, oh, I really want this, but you know, I don’t want lunch at mini, I don’t wanna call up my friend and say, if you don’t meet me for lunch, we’re over.
I’m never gonna speak to you again to get that lunch. That’s just not aligned with like. Consent or anything that I wanna create. Um, so when we’re we have clarity, we can steer a lot better and we can listen, like once we get some clarity, we can notice, oh, that feels a little off. Let me drop in again. And, oh, that doesn’t feel quite right for this reason.
I can steer in a different direction. They expressing that yearning and finding ways to grow into what we wanna create is very valuable. And I think that some of us have been taught that we’re selfish if we want things and go after them. And I’d love to do the little Tapping on that because that’s something, especially I think people that are socialized as women are kind of taught, no, no, no, you don’t go after the things you want.
That’s selfish. But [00:49:00] it’s really our life expression and we do get to do that.
[00:49:03] Rick: Mm-hmm. We’re gonna take a seven minute break and we’ll tap on, on the. The guilt, shame around wanting and yearning, having powerful yearnings particularly, I’ll come back. Um, and while we’re on the break, if it feels like a yes to you, what’s a yearning that you might be a little uncomfortable having and holding?
Why? And why? Um, if, if the rare person wants to share that in the chat or all of you wanna share it in the chat, but I, I just wanna acknowledge that, um. Even in a workshop like this, if I landed on one that, um, was real tender, I, I wouldn’t put it in the chat. So please, please take care of yourself. Um, and there’s some that being witnessed in my yearning would be like, oh, I really wanna share that in, in the chat.
We won’t [00:50:00] refer to you by name. If we, um, if we talk to it, uh, when we come back, we can also
[00:50:05] Cathy: message Rick or I privately so it doesn’t have to be in the public chat, if you’d rather do that.
[00:50:09] Rick: Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah. All right. Thanks. See, I’m gonna pause the recording. See you soon. Is that welcome back. We’ve had some requests for Tapping, so would you like to take that and under it, we talked about Tapping on guilt and shame mm-hmm.
For having yearning as well.
[00:50:30] Cathy: Yeah, well, I think the person asked it, can we tap on? It’s hard for me to admit that I have needs and ask for them to be met. And I think that’s one of the core things that can often happen is that we’ve been taught that having needs means we’re selfish or that we’re wrong.
Uh, a lot of times I think that comes from parents that are just overwhelmed. I watch Rick and Gem, who are amazing parents sometimes they’re just like, oh my God, these kids want a lot of things. They’re also very resourced and have each other and have, you know, [00:51:00] they have people that love them and support them.
And so I can imagine that my mom often didn’t have that support. She didn’t have anyone else helping her. And so asking for one more thing, I got the signal off and that. I was too much. I wanted too much. I shouldn’t do this, because she just couldn’t, she didn’t have the resources to meet the needs. So, um, I think it’s really a great thing to tap on and I’d love each of you to tune into a time that you, if it feels okay for you, tune into a time when you felt like having needs felt like too much or you weren’t supposed to have them.
And then asking for, you know, saying, Hey, I would like you to help me meet this need. Or if when we were a kid it was like mom or dad or some caregiver had had to meet the need for us to get what was given because there weren’t other conduits for anything. So just notice, and for me, there’s often a feeling of shame around this.
Like, I should have known that I wouldn’t get it. I should have not asked for too much. I should have somehow [00:52:00] intuited that my mom wasn’t gonna be able to meet that thing. And I don’t think any of us could. We’re little kids. Um, and the. Decision that we were too much is often made when we’re, because we’re as old as we’ve ever been when we encounter this situation, we don’t put ourselves in context of, oh, I’m small, and I’ll be bigger and I’ll have more experiences and options later.
Our o our whole experience is, I’m, I’m, I’m much more confident than I was last week. I’m should be all together. So, um, just see if you can tune into that. 'cause when we can tune into it, especially in a space where we’re together supporting each other, that can be really powerful. Karate Chop:, even though they taught me that it’s really bad to have needs,
[00:52:43] Rick: even though they taught me it’s really bad to have needs
[00:52:45] Cathy: much less, expect them to be met,
[00:52:48] Rick: much less.
Expect them to be met.
[00:52:50] Cathy: Everyone has needs.
[00:52:53] Rick: The truth is, everyone has needs.
[00:52:55] Cathy: Why am I different?
[00:52:57] Rick: Why am I different?
[00:52:59] Cathy: Even [00:53:00] though they did teach me it’s wrong somehow,
[00:53:04] Rick: even though they did teach me it was wrong somehow.
[00:53:07] Cathy: Maybe it’s more about where they were at than what my needs mean.
[00:53:12] Rick: Maybe it’s more about where they were at instead of what my needs mean.
[00:53:17] Cathy: Top of that, I think my needs mean I’m needy.
[00:53:22] Rick: I think my needs mean I’m needy.
[00:53:27] Cathy: I’m too much.
[00:53:29] Rick: I’m too much.
[00:53:30] Cathy: So who am I to think I’ll get these needs met?
[00:53:33] Rick: Who am I to think I’ll get these needs met
[00:53:36] Cathy: Under the Eye:? Why would they go out of their way to help me?
[00:53:39] Rick: Why would they go out of their way to help me
[00:53:41] Cathy: Under the Nose:?
I didn’t have a lot of options when I was younger.
[00:53:46] Rick: I didn’t have a lot of options when I was younger
[00:53:48] Cathy: and now I have 7 billion
[00:53:51] Rick: now I have 7 billion
[00:53:53] Cathy: and there’s a lot of different ways to get my needs met.
[00:53:58] Rick: There’s so many ways to [00:54:00] get my needs met
[00:54:01] Cathy: and there what if I can have some compassion for that younger me?
[00:54:07] Rick: I’m choosing to have compassion for that younger me.
[00:54:10] Cathy: Top of that, I have genuine desires.
[00:54:13] Rick: I have genuine desires.
[00:54:15] Cathy: I wrote, some of them may not make a lot of sense to an adult.
[00:54:18] Rick: Some of them may not make a sense to an adult
[00:54:22] Cathy: Side of the Eye: or to anyone else,
[00:54:24] Rick: or to anyone else
[00:54:25] Cathy: under that, but they’re my unique expression.
[00:54:28] Rick: They’re my unique expression
[00:54:31] Cathy: Under the Nose:. Other people may not choose to help me with certain needs.
[00:54:36] Rick: Some people may choose not to help me with certain needs
[00:54:39] Cathy: Chin:, but that doesn’t mean my needs and wants are wrong.
[00:54:43] Rick: That doesn’t mean my needs are and wants are wrong.
[00:54:48] Cathy: Calon. I choose to honor my heart’s desire.
[00:54:50] Rick: I choose to honor my heart’s desires
[00:54:53] Cathy: Under the Arm: and let go of some of that shame and blame
[00:54:57] Rick: and let go of some of that. Shame and [00:55:00] blame,
[00:55:00] Cathy: Top of the Head:. It might be fine to want what I want.
[00:55:03] Rick: It might be fine. To want what I want
[00:55:07] Cathy: and even sometimes get it
[00:55:09] Rick: and even sometimes get it.
[00:55:11] Cathy: Take a nice deep breath.
And I do think that sometimes also when we’re kids, we want things that we don’t realize that they’re. Like, they’re not achievable or reasonable. I was hanging out with Aira the other day and she wanted, she was describing she wanted the suitcase and she was trying to describe it had a table that folded up and I think it had plugins for the computer and everything.
And she was telling her mama she wanted this and it’s like a $200 suitcase for a, a four, three quarters year old. And her mama said, no, I’m not gonna get that for you. And she went in the other room and had a meltdown for about 20 minutes. And you know, Jim was like, wow, I’m not, I’m such a bad mother. I won’t buy a $200 in case for my kid.
You know, it’s like, it wasn’t a [00:56:00] reasonable request, but it’s something she really wanted. She thought that would be a very cool experience. So her, her wanting it was not wrong and her mama didn’t shame her for that, but she was just like, no, I’m not gonna, I’m not gonna help you meet that need, honey. Um, so.
We may not, when, when we were learning this experience and this belief, we may have been asking for things that maybe just our parents didn’t have the resources to do it or they didn’t want to deal with it. Or it could have been, I’d like five ponies, please. Well, no, you’re not gonna have five ponies. We live in an apartment, so you know, we, but we still learn the message that we didn’t, maybe we shouldn’t have wanted it Sometimes, even if that it, we don’t have the context when we’re little.
To put it in that context or on the understanding,
[00:56:52] Rick: the Tapping that you just did feels like the kind of bedrock skill and, [00:57:00] and tending that we need to do. It’s valid to have needs. All humans have needs. Yeah. The way that other people have dealt with my needs when I was vulnerable. When I was young, when they were the conduit, um, really impacted me. And I’m shifting, I’m shifting that.
That’s the bedrock. That’s a lot of the core work in emotional freedom work is to get to the place where, yeah, I have a need. You’re not required to meet it 'cause I’m an adult, but I have a need and I wanna meet it. And I am, I want to express things with agency to do that. There can be a yearning that is the fertile ground for me around needs.
It’s, you know, I yearn to live in a world where I’m clear on what the needs are for the people around me, and that [00:58:00] there’s a lot of generosity and allowance and tending to one another that creates this really beautiful ecosystem. But there’s also freedom, freedom to say, no, no, I’m, I’m not gonna spend $200 on a suitcase, um, right now.
You know, we just bought a suitcase, in fact. Um, and so the yearning is like, what am I wanting to, to craft if you’re a crafty person? Like, what is it that I’m wanting to craft? I, I, I want to model that it’s okay to express a need to ask for it to be met in a certain way. Um, to hear no and not meltdown, or be like, yeah, it’s disappointing.
It’s not gonna happen that way. Um, if I need to go off and tend to myself, like, you know, uh, whether a [00:59:00] meltdown or however, I just need to process my need not getting met. Um, but the yearning, uh, to me for is, is a quality of thriving. We had survival needs if,
and there were rules and obligations that were part of survival. And survival is a bedrock. We couldn’t be here. If you didn’t survive yesterday, we’d be planning your memorial. Right? So the fact that you survived and got to this place where you’ve been able to tend to, to your yearning and, and feel into them, I just wanna acknowledge there are survival needs, there needs for our, our more flourishing, right?
And then there’s a yearning which can guide us to develop the skill of saying, Hey, I feel this need [01:00:00] and you’re not required to meet it. But if you, if you’re in a generous mood and could feel like you could take on dinner tonight, that would be amazing. No, you’re not. Okay. It would’ve been nice and I’m okay.
Right? Like the yearning can dry, can influence developing the skill of going through being awkward and misunderstood, maybe even from certain people shamed. Um, like, what are you doing? You’re that, that’s your job, whatever it is. Um, and even expressing like, yeah, I, I have a yearning for more resource, like resource abundance.
Like I want to live in a world where good people with generous hearts have ample resources. I don’t. I believe in, I want to, I yearn for [01:01:00] people who understand the freedom that comes with having good and sufficient resources for thriving, including the option options of being able to share with others. I also have a yearning for, for more of us to accept that there’s a lot of things broken around.
Resource allocation management, business exchange of money. Money is kind of like, um, it’s got a lot of gooeyness around it right now. And so I yearn for more acceptance. Well, if I yearn for people to accept that maybe they don’t plug into the system for money as well as jojo there, right? Um, that there’s an acceptance that that’s not an indicator that.
If there’s anything wrong with them and when, when [01:02:00] we can, when we can tap that. So the yearning has had, like, that yearning was around a lot of the Tapping that ca Cathy and I have done over the years around money. The yearning is around the gliding scale that I offer for my private coaching. It’s like, oh, you know, I’ve been where I had, like, I had two nickels to rub together, but I didn’t have two dime.
Um, and I’ve been in a place where yeah, I could, I could pay the top of my scale, but the yearning can, can help ground us into what is thriving. If, if I wanna model thriving, I model that Needs are sometimes difficult. To, to live with. Sometimes they’re not going to get met and [01:03:00] that we hold space for that.
Mm-hmm. That’s part of our space with our loved ones is that their resources are not unlimited. Even love.
[01:03:11] Cathy: I noticed
[01:03:12] Rick: that coming from Rick.
[01:03:14] Cathy: Well, yeah, and, and I also noticed that with my own self-care, like there’s part of me that like, I’d love to stay up and get more done, but that’s not a lot, like, that’s not a balanced way to like, I do need some sleep.
I do need, I have yearning for different things and having to like figure out, and a balance of them across my life and balancing them with my core needs is really valuable and I think that. When we treat yearning as something that we don’t deal with very often, we either let it get like kind of toxic into compulsion or we go into shutdown.
There’s, uh, when we feel that yearning, it can feel, we don’t know how to balance it. We’re, we’re kind of, it’s like, oh my goodness, a strong feeling. I must, I must either comply or, or be restrictive to myself versus like, [01:04:00] oh, okay, I love that whole cake, but maybe I can have a piece of that cake instead. Um, or you know, like, I can, I can stay up at half hour late to finish this project, but I don’t necessarily have to stay up all night working on it.
So like we can, we can notice the yearning and also temper our actions better when we’re actually being with them. And we understand the, the underlying want around. What is it that we really want to experience. That gives us a lot of power when we’re just on the forefront of, if I feel this. This wanting, we’re really driven by the wanting versus, oh, what is this experience?
What do I actually want to get from this? We have a lot more ability to drive the car and steer it in different ways we can get it and it’s like, oh, I could get it one of five ways, two of which are really bad for me, and one is not very logical financially. Which of these two do I want to, the remaining two?
Do I want to choose? Um, it can help us make decisions too, and we’re kind of dropping a little deeper into it, but we can only do that if we’re willing [01:05:00] to tolerate the feelings of yearning and disappointment. Um, and those, I know it’s really hard to see, it’s easy to say that to someone and. I promise that if we can just be with it mindfully for even just a couple seconds, and the next time it might be a few more seconds, and then it’s suddenly it’s like, oh, I can be with this for 20 minutes and I’m, I’m sort of surviving.
Um, we, our system very quickly builds up tolerance for strong emotions, but if we’re always avoiding them, we’re never building up the muscle to be with them. We’re never learning that. We can actually, our, our nervous system is always acting as if we’re gonna get electric shock if we feel that thing probably.
'cause when we were little, it felt like it. Like I still remember, uh, watching one of my nieces cry over not getting a pony when she was three. Like there was no concept of them getting a pony, but she thought she was gonna get a pony and no one had told her she was getting a pony, but somehow she thought that Santa was gonna bring her one no pony.
And [01:06:00] devastation, like kids want things so hard and. They don’t have the experience of knowing, well, I can’t have this right now, but I might have something different or better. So they just don’t have the experience for it. So we, many of us learned that that electric shock, that horrible feeling of disappointment is, is like devastating when we were little and it felt devastating and no one was there to say, Hey, you’re still okay.
I love you, it’s gonna be okay. Um, but my, I still remember my dad saying, I’ll give you something to cry about when I was disappointed and he would spank me really hard, so I would cry. Um, and so I learned not to express my disappointment very well. Um, and it’s just part of, you know, different people, parent different ways and it was a different time.
[01:06:47] Rick: Mm-hmm.
You said that that [01:07:00] skill of and practice of being with the uncomfortable feelings. Um,
I would never suggest that someone just stay with uncomfortable feelings, hurtful feelings that didn’t have some intelligence there. Mm-hmm. So I want to acknowledge that, you know, as you said, it’s hard to tell someone who isn’t developmentally, whether they’re four and three quarters or 43 and three quarters, and they’re not developmentally in a place, you know, with their awareness of their emotions and how they energy moves in their body.
Um, I just come to know and witness with thousands of people at this point that if we can be with the [01:08:00] disappointment. Tap, tap, tap. Even though I’m grotesquely disappointed, what I’m, what I ask for is clarity about what I really want. What’s, what is it that I truly want here or even truly need if it’s got that edge of survival to it, and I think we can feel like if the primitive brain is speaking up, it’s picking up something that’s survival oriented.
It can be like, you know, e even though I, I feel like I have a knife at my throat and I want to be doing this. What’s up with that? What am I yearning for? Oh, I’m, I’m yearning for the energy and my body knows that if there was a knife in my throat, guess what I’d do it. I’ve, I’ve, I’ve got a yearning for balance and it’s not here right now.
Oh. Don’t know when it’ll come, if [01:09:00] ever. And then I, I really, I really, truly want to, I yearn to be with the things that I’m, I’m doing in a way that nourishes me, reminds me of my yearning, my heart’s desire, how important these experiences are to me. Um, you know,
my, we went for a, a hike today as a family Adira, and I did the short version so that, um, the boy and mama could, could do the long, the long loop. That was a negotiation with lots of disappointment. Wow.
It was cutting through it. Like what do I yearn for? Well, I do yearn for our family to be able to hike together. And when I, [01:10:00] because that is an expression of connection and nature and exploration and so many things that are right for me. And it was when, when that came to me that it was like, you know, I’m being a hardass.
Um, ADIR and I were supposed to stay home. They were supposed to go on their own. But when I really felt for what the deeper yearning was, it was like, Hey, how about we take two cars and a deer and I do the half loop to build up our stamina, you know, and mine. And uh, and then we’ll go home and you guys can do the full loop.
And that landed and it was great. It really was. It was a yearning met. If I had not gone deeper and felt for what is a micro expression, and what [01:11:00] I mean by that is what Cathy and I have been talking about, like baby steps, a micro expression of a yearning is what is the smallest expression of that that I can imagine right now?
And tune myself too. If I’m like, guess what? I’m in my primitive brain. You would tell me, Hey Rick, you’re in your primi primitive brain. Have you like forgotten about Tapping? No, no, no. Right? Like, hey, there would be opportunities and if you were an observer of my life to yak yak at me like I, but by do, I’m sharing that in the dynamic that was unfolding with disappointment and tears and clinging, and I don’t want to, and I want to, and blah, blah, blah.
By one person. Me, in this case, and I, there mama was doing this too. Not like we didn’t talk about it, but I could tell what she yearned [01:12:00] for was ease and love and comfort and a lot of other things. But by me feeling into what, what do I actually yearn for?
There was a confluence of my yearning that came together in an offering, a micro offering that actually was a yes for the family.
Happened again around early dinner, right? There was just a lot of confusion. Some people hungry, some people not. Um, we have a workshop right, during what our normal dinner time is. Um, and when I went back to the yearning, the micro step was, yeah, I’ll make a sandwich for Adera and I’ll make the salmon for the family.
And I, I. That feels good to me. Is that good for everybody else? Yeah, we can do that.
And yearning to nourish and to, [01:13:00] um, to take care of that. I didn’t go all the way to joy. I’ll just, I’ll just tell you, there was a lot of like, okay, this is what we’re gonna do at that point. But the inspired actions, guess what? There’s an interesting quality of yearning. You can go backward in time and explain a lot about yourself.
If you go like deeper, what was, what was I yearning for in that moment? And to me, there’s a, or what was I yearning for that I was acting from, that I did this thing I’m noticing in my nightly gratitude work. That if I’m, if I’m tuning to what my actions during the day, what my yearning was, even when I’m imperfect, [01:14:00] which is every, every action, um, there’s a beauty to it.
There’s a poetic aspect of it. Like right now, I’m really feeling like, you know, I, I made my family dinner. I took the time to do that. It was delicious, simple. I’m a simpleton chef, but it was delicious.
[01:14:25] Cathy: Very good cook,
[01:14:26] Rick: you know, and Adira got what she wanted. She wanted a ham sandwich.
[01:14:30] Cathy: She loves ham sandwiches.
Oh,
[01:14:32] Rick: she loves ham sandwiches. She did not want the carrots. Harris looked perfect, the little baby petite carrots looked perfect next to the ham sandwich, even if it wasn’t eaten. And you see like there’s a yearning in me to nourish my family with the energy, with love that I mix in. Um, and I can go back and harvest that.
Even though if [01:15:00] in the moment of all that unfolding I was probably tense at a six, seven, it’s hard for me to feel, oh, look at me. I’m doing this beautiful thing that matters to me in the moment when I’m tense at a six, seven, just to get it done, get a shower, come here, be present. Um, but you can harvest.
Yearning is a doorway to harvesting your life in meaningful ways and that it cuts through some of the tension that was there at the time if you let it to land on. Yeah. My past self was showing up. Around things that really matter.
[01:15:47] Cathy: Yeah,
[01:15:47] Rick: and I appreciate, I appreciate that about them.
[01:15:52] Cathy: Just to riff, kind of extend what you said, like sometimes things don’t look the way we need them to or want them to.
Like even if we go to the [01:16:00] deeper, like you try to tend people, you like them to enjoy what you’ve made, and sometimes things just. Don’t work out. And I think that if we can give ourselves space to grieve the times we really needed or wanted something and we didn’t get it, especially like a lot of us have very early childhood memories, but even as an adult, like during COVID, I really longed for connection.
And there was just not a way to make it at times. Like I didn’t see Rick and the kids for two years because of COVID. Um, we saw on Zoom and stuff we couldn’t get together. So I think it’s, it’s important to include in this space, to tap on the grief, to acknowledge the sadness and the, the feelings that come up of our, you know, survival brains.
Like I really need, I did genuinely need more physical con, you know, contact with people than I got. My system was craving it and there just wasn’t a way to, California state shut down way longer than a lot of places and it just wasn’t a way to do it. So. We’re talking a lot [01:17:00] about, if you go deeper into the experience, sometimes you can create something that will be a really great alternative to what we think we want.
But there’s also times we just don’t get it. And we’re here, we’re still here, we’re still alive. We made it through. And I think when we grieve, we kind of iron out that big wrinkle that could be in the way of us yearning for other things and really being with like, what do I want this to be? So I invite you if, like maybe write a list of the top three things that you’re really disappointed about and do a little Tapping on that, or bring it to one of Rick’s circle calls or team calls and, and do Tapping on it or go to Gus and ask for some Tapping on that because it can really help you release some of the stuck feelings that might be there for you.
[01:17:44] Rick: Mm-hmm. Yeah,
[01:17:48] Cathy: and I, this is a deep tough stuff subject, so I really appreciate everyone’s hung through and done some Tapping and looked at themselves on this. It’s not a simple thing.[01:18:00]
[01:18:00] Rick: Yeah, I, I yearn for a world where our yearnings find, um, connection people that share, that people that can support, um, help us cultivate it in community and in circle and kinship. Um, as you were talking about COVID, I remember, I remember the, the longing, um, and the, and I remember that in retrospect, I can see it as a yearning.
Like I had such a yearning for Cathy to be a family member, and here we had Adera being born. We couldn’t really get together. And so the conversations we had, um, we changed the photos on the photo frame, you know, to have more Cathy pictures so that another family, but you know, more Cathy pictures. And we started sharing photos in a way that [01:19:00] still continues.
And, um, of all the people in my world, you know, there’s a Cathy, me and Gem, uh, chat, and I, I have a yearning for kinship that isn’t, you know, I, if I was focused on blood relatives providing that, I would, I’d be pretty, you know, disappointed in grieving to be frank. But because I have that yearning, I do put a lot of inspired action.
And Gem has a yearning and Cathy have a yearning. The yearning for kinship is, um. And we kept that going until right. And now, you know, we spent, um, time in July. We spent time in August. We’ve already got January on the schedule. Um, and we’ll see. But it’s, it’s [01:20:00] not the same as the zip line. Like no, I can see the house, right?
The house
[01:20:05] Cathy: right down the
[01:20:05] Rick: house. Little little trimming of the trees. Zip line right from my office.
[01:20:10] Cathy: It’s next time a deer helped a temper tantrum. They just,
[01:20:14] Rick: we could have our post, like I’m the Zipline Academy delivery system. So anyway, thank you all. This continues the, the skills. Our next one is tolerating joy.
It’s on the, it’s been on the calendar for next Sunday, but we’re gonna move that, um, and we’re gonna see when that’s gonna be, but I. Um, yeah, I’d love, I’d love to hear your feedback. Um, and like I said, there’s an AI version of, of me, uh, I fondly call him Gus, so I don’t, um, confuse myself and ThrivingNow dot com slash gus if you want to, uh, explore it.
Uh, it has been fed with so much of what we’ve done together, [01:21:00] and you might even notice it and you’ll notice places where, like, my general thing is I talk to, uh, this tool, uh, every day. And my goal is that in that experience, there’s something that comes back that says, wow, that’s really good. And I recognize the energetic print of so many of you.
And what you’ve evoked today during the workshop, by your presence, by your, by your comments, um, by the people you are and who you are in the world and your yearning. I, I’m, I feel a resonance with the yearning and that comes out in what Cathy and I have done over the years and will continue. So thank you.
Yeah. Thank you all. Thank you, Cathy.
Till next time. Bye. [01:22:00]
We watched people riding a narrow ridgeline on mountain bikes. We don’t have that skill (or that yearning!)—but we do yearn for spaciousness, the beautiful vista, and the way perspective shifts from altitude. Yearning has an edge. It can activate skill-building—physical, emotional, relational, financial, clarity. It can also cut: debilitate, overwhelm, and hurt when we want something and believe we can’t have it.
We see the edge in kids, too. Micro‑steps and blisters on the monkey bars; the edge of disappointment that turns into shutdown—I’m never going to try or ask again. That disappointment tries to protect energy and can ripple into other yearnings if we collapse around it.
We weren’t taught how to be with disappointment. Many of us learned to make ourselves wrong: What was I thinking? I should’ve known better. Or to treat disappointment as unsafe—never go there again. Some of us learned it from overwhelmed caregivers trying to avoid pain: if we got hurt, it must be because we did it “wrong.”
Let’s build skill together. We use EFT Tapping when yearning’s edge cuts instead of opening a vista. Feel free to change the words so they match your inner voice.
Sometimes disappointment trips a freeze response. We can’t fight or flee from it, so we shut down. Think tiny steps: step into the feeling for a split second, then step back and let your system settle… then try again later. If you feel overwhelmed, simple grounding helps (we love sharing ThrivingNow dot com slash grounding).
We notice two extremes: giving up and sinking, or getting compulsive on a specific thing. Primitive brain loves black‑and‑white safety promises: If I get this, then I’ll be okay. We practice naming the true yearning beneath the picture.
A real example: wanting a very specific car (hello, six‑seat Model Y from China) can mask a deeper yearning—to be a safe, responsible traveler and to share connection, to look out the window and talk with the people we love. That clarity even explains why flying with the family isn’t juicy for us: loud cabin, hard to sit together, hard to have intimate conversations.
Many of us were taught that having needs makes us needy or “too much,” especially when caregivers were exhausted or alone. As adults, we have options our younger selves didn’t. We can ask. Others can say yes or no. We can grieve the no without shaming the wanting. (We love the clean “no” with compassion: I see your want. I’m not buying a $200 suitcase right now.)
We practice micro expressions of yearning. Family hike plan a mess? Two cars and a half loop can honor connection, nature, and stamina. Dinner confusion before a workshop? A quick sandwich for one, simple salmon for all. Not always joyful in the moment—sometimes tense at a 6 or 7—but aligned with what matters.
At day’s end, we look back and name the yearnings that inspired our actions—even the imperfect ones. I nourished my family with love mixed in. This retrospective harvest softens tension and reveals the poetry in ordinary care.
We love emotional technologies that are useful—EFT Tapping changed how we navigate inner landscapes. We also play with supportive tech tuned to our work and community (our free helper “Gus” at Ask Rick’s AI – Gus – A Digital Spirit Buddy for Thriving – Thriving Now ). Underneath it all is a steady yearning for kinship—photos shared, group chats, circles across oceans.
This continues our skills journey. We’d love to hear your feedback. We feel your presence in what we create together, and we’re grateful for the kinship and practice.
Thank you all. Till next time. — Rick & Cathy
Replay is below
