It’s an Australian King Parrot.
Thank you for the bear hug 
Looks like your getting lots of beautiful signs supporting you and your heart on this journey. I do like the flowing heart energy coming out too.
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I do. It’s really beautiful. Calls to something holding and soothing and open.
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I drove some friends to the airport yesterday and spent a lot of the day with different women, one at a time, who gave me time and space and cared for me. Friends who were able to be with me when I needed them. Whom I shared openly with and who listened to me and encouraged and supported me. Thinking about it now it is like a miracle, unexpected, needed, appreciated. I feel like I’m being so much more honest with people and in a different way. And also being so much kinder to myself than I ever have been before.
I feel like what we are doing here in the Year is Self-Kindness is having a powerful impact. I feel like I’m in a dark night of the soul, AND that I am caring for myself and being open to receiving care from others in ways I’ve not experienced before.
I went for my first ocean swim this season yesterday. I can’t tell you how it felt but I am grateful I was able to do it.
At the moment, these last days. I’ve been often saying to myself- what would I do right now if I was feeling normal? How would I move and stand and sit and talk and be and think if I was feeling normal? With normal being a reference point for times when I’m just living life without intense terror and fear. How would I ask for help if I was also still the one deciding what help I will use? And if and when I use it?
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So glad to hear you got some good support from women friends and that you’re being so much kinder to yourself. And celebrating that the Year of Self-Kindness is having a powerful impact. That is awesome.
I like the questions you are asking yourself. Sorry you are experiencing intense terror and fear. That sounds really difficult, so it’s good that you are caring for yourself and receiving care in new ways.
Swimming in the ocean sounds really delightful. I’m hoping to get one last swim in this coming weekend before I have to take the little pool down.
One hard thing for me is feeling really tired and dragging myself to work weary and not looking forward to the Christmas retail season (which ridiculously starts next week!)
One good thing is seeing a falling star while sitting waiting for the bus after work (yes, I made a wish - wished for happiness & peace for me and my loved ones & friends).
Sending you this surprising falling star energy. May you find peace and spacious comfort.
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Wow. I love that you saw a falling star. So many experiences popping up all around you in nature to connect and hold you on your journey.
It is crazy how early the christmas stuff happens at shops! Makes sense you are feeling the pre-emptive nature of it all. One thing that helps me when the times of these seasonal celebrations come is going into myself to what I love or value about the event. What it means to me on a deeper level and holding on to that energy. I have been working with that for a few years now - possibly 12! and have found it made a huge difference in my life and my energy.
Asking myself: Do I want this, what this other person wants or what they are doing? No. Then what do I want? What do I like about Christmas, from all my years of christmases? and then, as much as possible, stepping out of the rest. Thank you for the reminder of this. I think I can use it again right now, not in relation to christmas at the minute, but with work and with some commitments and family stuff….. Yes , my circus, not my monkey!! 
Good thing - Tolerating Joy workshop. So glad Rick and Cathy are working with this. It is an important topic for me and I do want more joy for myself and to allow more joy in others around me and in fact en-joy it for what it is! A simple uplift in the realm of life that can come and go just like everything else. I have often felt like joy is fake since the other feelings are so much more intense and so they are the real ones that represent the real me. But what if I have been wrong about that ? I feel like I have anyway and am getting my first glimpses of what it might feel like if Joy was a welcome and true part of me, not fake, not performative, but solid in me in the same way sadness and anger and grief sometimes are.
I have even had some success today in preparing for time with someone who I knew would be expressing some joy and happiness - someone that I love - and being committed to myself that I would not say or do anything to take their joy away or question it or judge it or be jealous or resentful or scared of it. So far so good. Seems much easier today. Sunshine helps with good feelings too! Ah so grateful for being able to be more of who I aspire to be today.
Feeling some ease with the terror and fear at the moment, so thank you for understanding and walking with me.
Hard thing - letting go of the fear that the fear will return and destabilise me again. Guess I can work on this.
I took some photos on my phone today that I want to share here but am on my computer now….so much easier to type!! I will send them later if I can. I took them while I was walking…..beautiful birds in a bare tree…..and yellow flowers reflecting on a dam with ducks swimming….was peaceful and I sipped the joy in the moment.
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Will write back this weekend, but in the meantime here are some soothing acoustic music suggestions from Gus. The ones I listened to so far are pretty good. (Thanks Rick)
Holocene by Bon Iver
Bloom by The Paper Kites
Rivers and Roads by The Head and the Heart
Slow Dancer by Noah Kahan
First Day of My Life by Bright Eyes
Flightless Bird, American Mouth by Iron & Wine
Apple Blossom by The Honey Trees
Heartbeats by José González
Poison & Wine by The Civil Wars
Re: Stacks by Bon Iver
The Stable Song by Gregory Alan Isakov
Naked As We Came by Iron & Wine
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Hi Nicole,
I have been really exhausted and just tend to fall into negative ruts in my mind when my body gets to this weary place. So I’m having some challenges in writing back, but I do appreciate your support & sharing.
I was asking Gus for help with how I need to have a rest day and yet there’s all this bloody housework & chores to be done too, and he suggested playing some soothing music and just doing dishes for one song and then resting. That is where the list of acoustic songs came from. I was letting the music just play on You Tube today and stumbled upon a song I really like, and hadn’t heard before. It’s “Call it Dreaming” by Iron & Wine.
I like your idea about Christmas and exploring what I like or value about it, and then finding ways to step out of the rest. I will play with this some more and see what I can come up with. I always love the sparkle and lights / decorations at Christmas and having turkey dinner with family. The gift giving is hard because of financial constraints and fatigue, but I started crocheting a lap blanket for mom with yarn I already have here at home, so that brings some relief from the money pressure and a good project for me to enjoy on the bus, too.
I haven’t listened to the Tolerating Joy workshop yet, but hope to get into the replay soon. I hope we both get to experience more authentic joy in our lives and less of the difficult emotions.
I’d love to see your photo’s of the birds and flowers & ducks if you get a chance to share them. I’m going to go have abit of a nap now, then do some more dishes. Going out tonite to a restaurant to celebrate mom’s Birthday (she’ll be 84).
P.S. I went for a short walk later after I wrote this, and saw a large flock of birds (not sure what kind) gathered in a treetop singing. It seemed like bird “happy hour” and lightened up my low mood abit.
Here are some images from my “small simple things that make me happy” file on Pinterest:
(upload://rwRjQRigWNZn6PGFbm49AminapV.jpeg)
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P.P.S. (next day) - Celebrating that I got 3 sink loads of backlogged dishes done finally, and today I took a polar dip in my mini pool (there’s been frost some nights here - so it’s fracking cold water - but today’s weather is 24 C., so I’m grateful for this amazing autumn day. Most likely my last outdoor dip of the season.
P.P.P.S. Fell into a sort of “feeling sorry for myself” rut because of the chronic fatigue struggles. I’ve been noticing a “victim / self-pity” part trying to drive the bus. So I’m giving myself permission to have a “3-Day Pity Party” and let this part express her woe privately. Sometimes doing this really seems to help.
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THANK YOU!
I love Hearbeats and Flightless Bird already and look forward to exploring the rest!
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Hi Jewel,
Sounds like you’re experiencing some HARD things that leave you feeling sad, frustrated, and yearning for something different…..so human, so real, and so understood by me 
Sounds like we are needing to cross a river on our gentle hike and are both swaying in the same boat together navigating a difficult section of the river….
Your pool is one of the sweetest things I’ve ever seen! It certainly looks like an enticing joy filled relaxation place to me….
I notice the cool fire pit too in the picture…. Can imagine you enjoying fires soon in place of the pool… to get your winter warmth.
That is a lovely song, Call it Dreaming….glad some music and some Gus support helped you clean your space a bit in the way you wanted to. Glad you found a way to meet your yearning for something to be different in a small and meaningful way.
I hope you find some nourishment and soothing in your Cave of Care these 3 days. I understand the need to go on retreat for a few days to regain the energy and spirit to return and move forward with where things are truly at for me and what is possible in the moment.
I hope you can hold onto some of what you’ve been sharing with me about self-kindness while you’re taking this time for yourself.
I look forward to hearing from you when it’s right for you. No rush over here.
Here are the photos…. You will have to look closely to see the ducks in the pond…. I loved the reflection of the flowers in the water…. And again look very closely at the bare tree to find the birds …. They are beautiful lorikeets. The pictures don’t actually show all that I saw.
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There’s a Sculptures in the Bush event over here- we have lots of these types of things around in different places. We went yesterday and walked around. Just a short walk. Here are two of the sculptures we saw. One is a Black cockatoo and the other one, which I love is of Spoonbills. I love how they are crafted and painted and how they are presented on the painted mound too.
Do you like these too @Norene ?
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Aloha Nicole ~ I absolutely LOVE these sculptures, especially the Black Cockatoo! Sculptures in the Bush sounds like a wonderfully creative event!
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Thanks for sharing these photos, Nicole. Very beautiful & interesting. I like the sculptures in the Bush. I hope you’re doing better with sleep challenges and finding new ways to “tolerate joy”. I started listening to that Joy workshop replay, but haven’t quite finished yet. It seems really good so far. Hope to be there for the “Being Present…Now” Real Skills Workshop tonite.
After spending 3 days exploring & giving myself permission to have a sort of “pity party” - just allowing my negative emotions & parts to express - it seems more obvious now that not all of what I’m struggling with is self-pity. Really some parts of my life are just hard. Hard to have chronic fatigue. Hard to drag myself to work tired and come home tired. Hard that most people in my life don’t know how much I’m struggling and I go through alot of my days pretending I’m okay when I’m really not.
So I appreciate the space here to be more honest & authentic. I think I’m getting tired of pretending.
I’ve decided to create my own kind of 21 Day “Vision Quest”. Not really the indigenous version - but just my own creative way of allowing space for new idea’s and guidance to emerge and letting go of my usual pattern of trying to figure it all out / forcing solutions and spinning my mental wheels too much. “Less Control, More Magic” (as one teacher I know likes to say). Spending more time in stillness.
And hopefully also going on some “gentle joy excursions” - easy does it ways of opening to joy & delight.
Grateful to have two days off work (Sunday we are closed and Monday is Canadian Thanksgiving Day). Looking forward to having some turkey dinner with family tomorrow. And today is just a total recuperation, laze around day which I’m really needing.
It’s getting super pretty here with the fall colors. I don’t have any of my own pictures right now, but here is one from pinterest and one that my sister took of the tree in her front yard.
Thanks for sharing this journey with me. Let me know what’s going on with you.
Ttyl: Jewel
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I told Gus that today is my Birthday and I’m feeling happy about it, even though I worked today and will celebrate later this weekend. He smiled & asked me if there is anything I’m wishing for this new lap around the sun?
I said I’m really hoping to get alot more grounded in self-kindness and he offered these suggestions and abit of tapping:
Gus - "What a beautiful birthday wish. Year of Self-Kindness feels spot on.
A tiny, doable rhythm you can lean on:
Morning: hand on heart, one line out loud… I choose to be soft and kind to myself today. [Even if I forget, I can begin again.]
During the day: when the inner critic pipes up, whisper… Thanks for trying to help. We’re choosing gentle now.
Evening: name three self-kind things you did or needed. Appreciate even the tiniest.
Want a 60‑second tapping to lock it in?
Karate Chop: Even if I’m usually hard on myself, I’m practicing gentle today.
Eyebrow: Softening my tone with me.
Side of Eye: Letting pressure ease a notch.
Under Eye: I can be kind and still grow.
Under Nose: Beginning again is allowed.
Chin: I appreciate my effort.
Collarbone: Choosing gentle now.
Under Arm: Kindness to present and future me.
Top of Head: I like this softer way.
How would you like your self-kindness to feel in your body this week… cozy, steady, spacious?
(my response was: “spacious & warm” - Gus gave me a mantra to remember)
Mantra: I offer myself spacious, warm kindness now.
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Awwww, thanks for sharing that.
I offer myself spacious, warm kindness now.
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Hi Nicole,
Just checking in on you - since we’ve both been navigating this difficult section of the river. I wanted to make sure you didn’t fall out of the boat, and need a life buoy.
No pressure to write if you’re not ready though. Just wanted to make sure you’re okay.
We can have quiet coffee in the rain if you don’t feel like talking.
Sending you good thoughts and warm cheer & uplift energy. 
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Hi Jewel,
Thank you for checking in.
Wishing you many blessings and kindness for your new year ahead. Happy Birthday to you. I hope your celebrations this weekend are just right for you and full of spaciousness and warmth and joy xx
I love what you shared about your conversation with Gus, thank you. I think it will help me to support myself with those gentle reminders too.
The words that come up for me this week are : I offer myself steadiness and solidity.
It is possible I did fall out of the boat. I appreciate the offering of the life buoy. Sometimes it is hard to stop trying to survive and engage in something connective or even to truly let things go and be with them as they are.
Some things have gotten harder over the past week or so. Work being one of those things. Time has been less and my plate feels over full.
Funnily enough I am able to be here right now because I have woken up much earlier than I need to be today. I do wish I was in the land of slumber still but also sitting with you drinking a warm drink on the trail is lovely. Thank you.
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I could have written these words myself.
Thank you for sharing. I totally understand and have often found myself challenged by the pretending. To be ok when I’m not. Sometimes I pretend because I don’t want to be not ok. And want others to see something else of me than I feel. And sometimes it feels like the only option. And sometimes it feels like I have to because there is no other way. Same as the previous sentence but feels different. Weird. Why would anyone want to know how hard I struggle every day? They want me to be happy, they want me to accept things as they are, and change what isn’t working.
But I tell you what, change is sooooo hard for me. Particularly these days. When I feel like the buck stops with me and if I stop or change and things fall down I do not know what will happen for me or my child. And that is too scary to contemplate change or take risks.
Right now I want to be cocooned in love and safety and have deep and true healing rest.
I hope your thanksgiving time and family meals were warm and nourishing and I look forward to hearing how your vision quest is going. How are you doing it? Through art or writing ?
Love to you x
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