I’ve been struggling with gaining clarity on the idea of being misunderstood for a really long time, and just recently it has been screaming at me at my pre-frontal cortex…
I was having a chat with my band mate just yesterday and it led to the discussion on the topic about my upcoming internship. To me, it wasn’t easy getting it, especially having to deal with interviews which triggers a heck ton of anxiety and stress, and preparing for all those tough questions were equally challenging. But I got it, and am going to be paid $600-$800/ mth and have to work 5.5days, which I’m fine with.
But after hearing his perspective, it just crushed me internally. He told me that that’s just exploitation, because I’m supposed to be paid $1000/mth (which is the recommended amount as an intern), and since I have to even work on saturday mornings, that makes me even more exploited at that kind of pay. Hearing that just made me feel awful, and I started to doubt myself for my decision. But he went on further to probe me on and I tried to “soften” my own decision and justify my low pay since the interviewer explained to me that the company invested more in the purchasing of media equipment to give us a better experience of learning than to rent out the equipment. But that made things worse, he just said that that was just a bullshit explanation for them to cover up for the low pay for interns…
In the end, I’m left devastated and compelled to make a change to “fit” his frame of thinking that I don’t agree with. I’m willing to listen to his views and I see the point he’s trying to make - which is stand up for your own work rights, and that I deserve better than this. But the way that he put it across made me interpret them as “should”s or “I’m wrong”. I still would love to work there, after all, I fought for it, am intrigued by the work culture, and I value learning experiences more than a low pay and longer working hours (after speaking to my school’s coordinator and my brother, they said that the media industry is a longer way up to better pay).
I just feel angry that people don’t frame it in an understanding way, and now things become sour and I find it hard to find that balance between “agreement” and “being friends”. And it’s difficult to see the relationship that we’re in in the same “friendly” way anymore… (I.e. if you disagree with me, and think that I’m a fool for believing in their bullshit (in his perspective), then how can we still be the friends that we used to be?) I find it hard to deconflict this…
And also, when you’re on that healing journey and recovering through triggers, many people outside in the world won’t give a shit about that, like that band mate, after vibe-ing with him for many months, I don’t see him as someone who i can trust with my vulnerability and my authentic struggles, but instead would just shut me up and say some positive self-development tips that honestly I just don’t really need… I wonder if I should try setting more filters and limit the things I share with him lest I get more cognitive dissonance and triggers that is more than that which I can treat off…