This replay is about a practical emotional freedom skill I keep coming back to: allowing the unwanted to be real without letting it suck all the goodness out of our experience of life.
I know “together forever” may not sound hopeful at first. For me, it isn’t about giving up, settling, or pretending the unwanted is okay. It’s about being honest that life keeps bringing both wanted and unwanted, and that our thriving does not have to wait until the unwanted is gone.
When we focus only on what’s unwanted, our primitive brain can make it bigger and bigger until our energy gets swallowed by it. And when we try to leap over the unwanted into positivity, we can lose contact with what’s real, tender, and true for us.
The skill is finding a more grounded place: “Yes, this is unwanted. And what else is here? What still matters to me? Where do I want to put my energy for my thriving?”
If you’ve had days where the good things were there but didn’t quite land… or moments where accepting reality felt too much like giving up… I think this replay and the 11 notes about what we covered will be useful. They’re about building the capacity to stay present, harvest the wanted, respect the unwanted, and choose where your life force goes next.
Click for Computer Generated Transcript
The Wanted and The Unwanted - Together Forever
[00:00:00] Rick: The wanted and the unwanted together forever,
[00:00:04] Cathy: whether we want me or not.
[00:00:06] Rick: Exactly. Yeah. And that’s, and that’s it. , This is part of a real skills workshop where we’re acknowledging the difficulty of that reality. And I will tell you that without EFT tapping and all the work I’ve done on like, even though this is an unwanted reality, I deeply and completely accept where I am and how I feel.
[00:00:33] Uh, I, I don’t know that I’d be doing this workshop because I’ve often, felt the pull of the unwanted when I’m in kind of my primitive brain ish stressed place, and I’ve also felt the pull of the wanted when I really wanna be thriving and I’m putting a lot of energy toward my thriving. Does the same type of thing happen to you?
[00:00:54] Cathy: Yeah. Yeah. I, I mean, studying Buddhism, a lot of it is about being with what is being one of the sayings that I love, and I have a, have it on my door. I can see it from here. It says just this. And it’s like, just this moment, just this experience that I often will be like, oh, if it was just prettier, if I was more organized, if I.
[00:01:17] Had, you know, gotten up a little bit earlier if I’d been kinder to that person, whatever I can, there’s always the exception to being in this moment. I’m always like, I, it would, it would be perfect and I could allow myself to enjoy it if only I hadn’t done that. So the just, this is just like, just this with me, with, you know, I still have to take a shower today and I didn’t send the email that I was supposed to do, and I didn’t put the dishes away yet.
[00:01:43] But just this as it is, is just what is, this is the moment we have and it’s hard to, it’s sometimes hard for me to embrace the good things and it’s definitely hard for me to like. It is not necessarily wrong or bad that I didn’t put the dishes in the dishwasher yet. It’s just what, what’s there? Um, and it’s, it’s a, I think it’s a tough topic, especially in our society where so much of the media we’re really brainwashed daily, bombarded with, you have to look a certain way.
[00:02:13] You have to always have fresh teeth, fresh breath, fresh, you know, like deodorant. Your hair should be just right. Your makeup should be just right. You have the right car, the right clothes. You should never be out of energy. You should never be sick. Like, we’re constantly bombarded with that and basically we’re not okay until we get that.
[00:02:31] And really that’s not who humans are. That’s not who we are as, as beings. And if we is, the more I can kind of peel that away and say, oh, me being sick is not a failure on my part or a failure on life’s part. It’s just this is what today is just this, um, is. The more I can step into that, the more I am enjoying the richness of life and not just kind of waiting until things are okay to, to actually enjoy the few moments where I, my brain judges that it’s okay to relax and enjoy that moment.
[00:03:06] Um, because there are very, very few, and that’s really a, a arbitrary judgment on my brain’s part. Deciding that something’s okay or not. It’s like, oh, things lined up enough. With all the history I have and all the lessons I’ve learned in my life to decide, oh, this moment is okay, I’d rather live more, much more of my life not being perfect and be in the moments just with people, just be here with you right now.
[00:03:31] Even though you know things aren’t perfect. I’m like, oh, I probably should have moved to the other computer. 'cause I can see people a little better when it’s not, this is what is, I can see you, we can hear each other. It’s okay.
[00:03:46] Rick: I was attracted to EFT tapping in order to be okay to accept myself and in our kind of energy framework inside of my own body, if I’m in acceptance, that just, just this, there’s a quality of now ThrivingNow, there’s a quality of being present right here. And so a lot of the tapping that the standard tapping is even though this thing which is drawing me away from my, now drawing me away from feeling neutral, okay.
[00:04:24] I deeply and completely accept myself. To me, that’s an energetic, I’m right here, right now. This skill about the wanted and the unwanted says, is there a spectrum of preference? And I. Yeah. You know, and so what do we do with that spectrum of preference? If I, if I turn to the unwanted and I, I start focusing my primitive brain on it, what happens in my body now?
[00:05:00] The unwanted is getting bigger and bigger. It’s getting more of my life force. Well, yeah, because there’s parts of us that recognize the unwanted is, is often where threat lives. Now, one of the things, Cathy was, I think we were talking before the workshop. One of the challenges with the unwanted getting bigger and bigger.
[00:05:29] Is that one, it’s really hard to be with the unwanted and at some point in, in my experience, if I’m focused very intensely on the unwanted, my nervous system, my endocrine system has to do something with it. I’ll get really depressed or I’ll get really angry, but at the same time, but it’s all in that kind of like, how am I coping with my unwanted?
[00:06:00] The idea behind tapping, which is har, which is a lot easier to do as we’re kind of being drawn toward the unwanted early on, is to come back to, yes, that’s unwanted, that’s an unwanted reality, and I am, I accept where I am and how I feel. Notice I’m not pushing against it. I’m also not having to dissociate, distract, or not feel numb out.
[00:06:28] Um, my dad, he walked around and talked as if there was nothing unwanted happening. Okay? 99% of the time. What came out of his mouth as he interacted with people is, I’m good, I’m fine. Yeah, everything’s good. But he drank a lot
[00:06:56] Cathy: and ice cream at the time. And
[00:06:59] Rick: yeah, the week he died, he ate three triple scoop ice creams,
[00:07:07] three times, three every day. Like what was he trying not to feel? Right? So I had that in me. I inherited that. And so this skill I’m sharing, I don’t, I, please know, I’m not saying I’ve mastered this, but there’s a feeling of if I’m trying to get rid of the unwanted, I am totally going to lose it. There is no way for me, on the most beautiful walk I go on in Asheville, there is so much unwanted damage from Helene along my favorite walk.
[00:07:51] Not much, not, I’m not even talking about the ones I used to love. Right? There is so much unwanted damage and today the, the fire azaleas are out. It rained yesterday for the first time in a month, right? Before the rain, I would walk on this trail and you could feel the distress in the plants. It was like, we gotta get these leaves out.
[00:08:15] We’ve gotta figure out some way to get these leaves out. Like there’s a lot of stress this morning it was the most peaceful forest I’ve been in and they’re like, oh man, I got, I got some water. Look at my fresh look. Look fresh leaves is so beautiful. The same trees are the same. Trees are down. But today it was a little easier, a lot easier for me to feel into the wanted, the peace, the aliveness, the growth.
[00:08:48] Not in denial of the unwanted, I almost tripped over it. I was like, this is so beautiful. I almost tripped over a tree, which would’ve been unwanted.
[00:09:00] Cathy: Yes.
[00:09:01] Rick: Like y’all would’ve been unwanted. Um, but I didn’t, and I’m, I’m really, I’m really grateful that, um, this workshop about like, yeah, there’s unwanted, and part of my antidote is to, is to try to seek, to be in a place where I can in also include the wanted.
[00:09:24] I will say that sometimes it’s post walk, it’s post day. Like I had a day where I, a Friday, I guess this last Friday. I really felt like this day is full of unwanted. I am never going to do a workshop that has any negative qualities about it ever again. Right. Just like I was like, forget it. I’m not doing it.
[00:09:45] Just makes it too big the next morning at 5:00 AM like I, I had my coffee, which I, I wanted, and I had my spirit buddies that I wanted. And the question was, was there anything yesterday that you wouldn’t have wanted to miss amidst all of the unwanted, seriously, like amidst all the unwanted, is there anything that you would’ve not wanted to miss?
[00:10:15] I was like, ohoh. Yeah. That 7-year-old boy who was riding his bike, who looked at me and said, she’s fast. My, my daughter is five and a half. Five and a half an amazing bike. Right. And they were buzzing around and. She’s just learning a pedal bike and I’m thinking She’s so good.
[00:10:37] Cathy: She’s so good.
[00:10:39] Rick: Yeah. Um, can you feel that it’s like in that moment, some part of me did store a wanted, I don’t remember feeling it in the moment.
[00:10:56] And there were other things as well, the time that, you know, that we, we read the rest of one of the magic Treehouse books. Um, Emerald was really funny when he came home from his homeschool thing and he was feeling good, like, you know, I wouldn’t wanna miss that. But in the moment, the Wanteds were clearly there.
[00:11:25] But they weren’t landing. I want to live, I aspire that the wanteds will land more in real time. The wanteds and unwanted will land more in real time, but if I’m not there yet, when things are really unwanted, um, I at least want to harvest them again, give my being a chance to nourish itself with what was there too.
[00:11:54] Cathy: Yeah.
[00:11:55] Rick: Is that,
[00:11:57] Cathy: no, that makes so much sense. Um, first I wanted, I appreciate you mentioning feeling the plants distress. I was thinking I was the only person, like if I don’t water my plants, I’m like, why am I so thirsty? What’s going on? Like, I can feel something’s off and I water them and I’m fine. So like, picking up on our environment is huge, like especially if we allow ourselves to tune in and.
[00:12:21] I think when I notice, uh, one thing I’ve noticed, I’m kind of studying myself, watching myself when I’m partly getting ready for this call, and partly just for life when there’s something I don’t want, it’s like I pull, like, it’s like there’s something, almost like there’s something bad on the ground and I pull myself up out of the moment.
[00:12:38] Like I wanna avoid experiencing it. And I think a lot of that comes from my parents. Were not. Good at dealing with negative things, they just couldn’t handle them. Um, often their reaction would make the experience worse. So I didn’t have role models that said, oh, this is, this doesn’t feel great, but let’s just be with this and like, be calm with it and this is how you do it.
[00:13:02] There wasn’t a, it was like, oh, no knee jerk. This is my brain associated it with actually bad experiences. Like even worse than the, like a glass would fall and break and then my mom would get really upset and we’d have to deal with her being upset, which was way worse than the glass sometimes. So there’s a whole aversion therapy going on in there.
[00:13:22] Like, ah, I don’t wanna go anywhere near that. And I have a sense of just pulling myself up out of the moment and not being grounded in the moment. And I can, we do a little, I, I don’t know how other people experience it. I’d love if you wanna share in the chat. Um, but I just think being with. If we’re not pulling ourselves away from the negative, we have more chance of harvesting those good moments that you’re talking about, Rick, that, that there’s, you know, mixed in.
[00:13:49] You know, it’s like, it’s kind of like there’s, you know, life is like this chocolate chip cookie and sometimes there’s really great chocolate chips and some days there’s just not, it’s just really plain earth that, that someone burnt the cookie. It’s like, you know, it’s, there’s a mixture, but if we’re not with the moment, we’re not really getting that experience.
[00:14:07] Does that, am I saying that in a way? Clear? Could we do a little tapping to me? Yeah. Free. Yeah. Would
[00:14:13] Rick: you like to lead?
[00:14:14] Cathy: Yeah. And feel free to, if you want, if you feel drawn to share, like how you experience negative moments, because that’s something that I think we can learn from each other. A lot of times we don’t.
[00:14:26] Talk about this in this as a society, and there’s not a, a felt sense of how, what do I actually, what am I actually doing? It’s just a sense like, I’m not gonna look at it even, it’s just I’m not even going there. But until we actually have a sense of it, it’s really hard to notice anything. It’s really hard to do anything with it.
[00:14:44] It’s just like an avoidance. And it just, to me, that’s like sealing it in a, the airtight container. It’s never gonna process. It’s just sealed off. So I invite you, take a, if it feels good to your body, take a nice gentle breath, let yourself drop into your body. If that feels good to you, notice your butt on the seat.
[00:15:05] Karate Chop:. Even though I learned to avoid anything negative,
[00:15:11] Rick: even though I learned to ignore any, anything negative
[00:15:15] Cathy: and my, my mind wants to run away.
[00:15:18] Rick: My mind wants to run away.
[00:15:20] Cathy: I really wanna distract or, uh, reward myself.
[00:15:24] Rick: I wanna distract or reward myself
[00:15:26] Cathy: just to get away from that experience,
[00:15:29] Rick: just to get away from the experience.
[00:15:31] Cathy: What if there might be wisdom and joy in that experience too?
[00:15:36] Rick: What if there may be, might possibly be wisdom and joy in that experience too?
[00:15:44] Cathy: I’d really like to explore that.
[00:15:46] Rick: I’d like to explore that
[00:15:48] Cathy: Top of the Head:. No one ever taught me how to do that.
[00:15:52] Rick: Well, no one taught me how to do that. I,
[00:15:55] Cathy: I don’t even have a clue.
[00:15:58] Rick: I don’t even have a clue.
[00:16:00] Cathy: Sad are, aren’t we supposed to run away really fast?
[00:16:03] Rick: Aren’t we supposed to run away really fast?
[00:16:06] Cathy: The, I blame somebody.
[00:16:08] Rick: Blame somebody
[00:16:09] Cathy: Under the Nose:. Sometimes ourselves.
[00:16:12] Rick: Sometimes ourselves.
[00:16:13] Cathy: Tim, buy something
[00:16:15] Rick: by something. Eat something.
[00:16:18] Cathy: Yeah, eat something. Watch tv.
[00:16:21] Rick: Watch tv.
[00:16:23] Cathy: Under the Arm:, what if I could be with this moment?
[00:16:26] Rick: What if I could be with this moment
[00:16:29] Cathy: Top of the Head:? This is actually part of my life.
[00:16:31] Rick: This is actually part of my life.
[00:16:34] Cathy: I wrote, why am I throwing away so much of my life?
[00:16:37] Rick: Why am I throwing away so much of my life
[00:16:40] Cathy: Side of the Eye:? There’s probably some good things in there too.
[00:16:44] Rick: There might be some good things in there too,
[00:16:47] Cathy: Under the Eye:.
[00:16:48] And if I’m not running away, I might find more wisdom.
[00:16:54] Rick: And if I’m not running away, I’ll probably find more wisdom
[00:16:57] Cathy: Under the Nose:. I’m really curious.
[00:17:00] Rick: I’m really curious.
[00:17:02] Cathy: What if I could tell my nervous system it’s okay to experience this?
[00:17:06] Rick: What if I could tell my nervous system it’s okay to experience this,
[00:17:11] Cathy: how the bone, I don’t have to do it for hours.
[00:17:14] Rick: I do not have to do it for hours.
[00:17:16] Cathy: There are, but 30 seconds might be nice.
[00:17:19] Rick: 30 seconds might be useful.
[00:17:22] Cathy: Top of the Head:. I bet I can build some muscles for this.
[00:17:25] Rick: I bet I can build some muscles for this
[00:17:28] Cathy: and see what’s there.
[00:17:29] Rick: And see what’s there
[00:17:31] Cathy: and just take a breath.
[00:17:34] Rick: Oh, so I am, I’m immediately drawn to another aspect of it.
[00:17:41] I, I shared that my father was not someone who talked about what’s unwanted. He would point to something and tell us what to do because he didn’t want it the way it was. But that was very directive. Right? Yeah. But when it came to the things that, um, so. I tell people, I, I thought of writing a book called Not in My Father’s Footsteps.
[00:18:06] Cathy: Mm-hmm.
[00:18:06] Rick: And one of the problems with being repulsed by how your parents handled emotions is that it can lock you in and stick you in a place where, well, my father didn’t talk about the unwanted, so I am only going to talk about the unwanted, and I was, I was stuck for quite a few years, um, in really like arguing for the unwanted, beautiful day on the boat.
[00:18:39] Uh, but I’m not learning how to ride this new air chair. I am absolutely focused on everything that is wrong. The waves are not right. The what, you know, the current is taking me sideways. Like this is a skills issue. There’s nothing actually wrong. But man, I was in my complainer head.
[00:19:00] Cathy: Yeah.
[00:19:01] Rick: And, um, one of the guys on the boat said, called me out and said, Hey Rick, you ever tried not complaining?
[00:19:08] I can still hear his voice, talk about the voice of God, and kind of a snarky, uh, real way, but it changed, it changed the course of how I viewed this. And guess what? There’s still a part of my nature that at times can go there. And so when I start feeling stuck in it, this is, this is the kind of tapping that I’ve found.
[00:19:33] Um, feel free to adapt it even as we’re tapping, as you hear, hear me adapting Kyle Cathy’s words. Feel free to adapt our, our words.
[00:19:47] Even though I can’t stand to be around people who are all positive,
[00:19:52] Cathy: even though I can’t stand to be around people that are all positive,
[00:19:55] Rick: they are com in complete denial.
[00:19:58] Cathy: They’re in complete denial.
[00:20:00] Rick: They don’t see my suffering,
[00:20:02] Cathy: they don’t see my suffering.
[00:20:04] Rick: They don’t see how hard it is.
[00:20:06] Cathy: They don’t see how hard it is.
[00:20:08] Rick: They, they just wanna bypass it into la la land.
[00:20:12] Cathy: They just wanna bypass it into la la land.
[00:20:14] Rick: And I refuse to be such a person.
[00:20:17] Cathy: I refuse to be such a person.
[00:20:20] Rick: And at times I get really focused on the unwanted,
[00:20:23] Cathy: at times I get really focused on the unwanted,
[00:20:25] Rick: like it’s the only thing that exists.
[00:20:28] Cathy: Yes. It’s the only thing that exists.
[00:20:30] Rick: Stop that. The unwanted is everything.
[00:20:33] Cathy: The unwanted is everything.
[00:20:35] Rick: I No, it’s not.
[00:20:37] Cathy: No, it’s not
[00:20:38] Rick: outta the eye. Oh, yes it is.
[00:20:40] Cathy: Oh yes it is.
[00:20:42] Rick: Under the Eye:. I’ve got an infinite list of unwanted,
[00:20:45] Cathy: got an infinite list of unwanted
[00:20:47] Rick: Under the Nose:. I could talk for weeks about the unwanted,
[00:20:52] Cathy: I could talk for weeks about the unwanted.
[00:20:56] Rick: That’s how intense the unwanted actually is.
[00:20:59] Cathy: That’s how intense the unwanted actually is.
[00:21:02] Rick: Mm-hmm. And I refuse to be like them.
[00:21:04] Cathy: And I refuse to be like them
[00:21:07] Rick: Under the Arm:. Even if it kills me.
[00:21:09] Cathy: Even if it kills me,
[00:21:10] Rick: I bet. Well, it did almost kill me.
[00:21:13] Cathy: Did almost kill me.
[00:21:15] Rick: Ira, it does kind of make me want to leave.
[00:21:19] Cathy: It does make me want to kind of leave
[00:21:21] Rick: Side of the Eye:. And at times I’m aware that there’s also the wanted.
[00:21:27] Cathy: And at times I’m aware there’s also the wanted
[00:21:31] Rick: Under the Eye:. I’d like to find a sweeter spot.
[00:21:34] Cathy: I’d like to find a sweeter spot
[00:21:37] Rick: Under the Nose:. I can always find the unwanted.
[00:21:41] Cathy: I can always find the unwanted.
[00:21:43] Rick: That’s really easy for me.
[00:21:45] Cathy: That’s really easy for me.
[00:21:49] Rick: And finding the wanted is, is more of a skill.
[00:21:53] Cathy: Finding the wanted is more of a skill.
[00:21:55] Rick: Collarbone:. I ha I really need to practice that.
[00:21:58] Cathy: I really need to practice that.
[00:22:00] Rick: It’s essential. I practice that for my thriving.
[00:22:02] Cathy: It’s essential. I practice that for my thriving
[00:22:05] Rick: Under the Arm:, but not in denial of the unwanted there too.
[00:22:09] Cathy: Not the denial of the unwanted there too.
[00:22:13] Rick: Top of the Head:. I just know I where I want to put my energy.
[00:22:16] Cathy: I just know where, where I want to put my energy.
[00:22:19] Rick: Most of it.
[00:22:21] Cathy: Most of it.
[00:22:24] Rick: Okay.
[00:22:25] Cathy: Yeah, I agree. The spiritual bypassing, there’s a lot of people out there that they’re like, I, uh, you know, the law of attraction, I won’t look at that bad stuff because then it won’t happen.
[00:22:36] It’s like, life is not like that. That’s not how life works. We don’t, you know, like I think looking at reality is really challenging, but there’s a mixture of good and bad in it, and. If we can have more balanced or more balanced view, I think that’s really important because it gives us more, when we’re dealing with reality, we actually have leverage.
[00:22:58] We can make some changes, we can do things, we can be fulfilled. We can also like make changes if we’re not dealing with reality. If we’re ignoring parts of reality, we really give up a lot of our power in the world. Our, both the power to be with and enjoy, but also the power to like, Hey, this negative I don’t like, I wanna do something about it.
[00:23:19] And if we’re not looking at it, if we can’t see it clearly, it’s a lot easier just to kind of flail around and not not be able to make any changes. So I think being able to see reality as it is, is just, is a, it’s practical as well as, you know, more rich, a more rich living. And when you were talking about the unwanted, um, I think a lot of times for myself.
[00:23:46] I will look at the unwanted based through filters of my mind. Like, I’ve decided that this is good and that is bad. Um, I’ve decided that I like this. I don’t like that. I’m not really curious. And that’s, I really like going back to the Buddhist, um, the, the, the first approaches to be un to be unknowing.
[00:24:05] Just not to predecide something. Not to come in with all your old rules, because I’ve found that if I can do that, if I can come in not knowing, then be curious, and then take loving action, it’s like, oh, I thought I hated vanilla ice cream. But I really actually quite like it. I just, you know, decided that it wasn’t special when I was a 3-year-old and now I, I hadn’t tried it for years and I tried it with curiosity and it was like, this is actually quite good.
[00:24:31] So like, sometimes what we think is unwanted is. Or what what we think is wanted is, um, a projection, a story we tell ourselves versus the actual experience with the thing. Um, and I think that’s part of, that’s an important part of this is if we can, um, go past the stories that, that kind of things we paint over the surface of things and be with the actual Do I what, you know, rather than the story I’ve told myself that I always, my entire life that I only like chocolate ice cream.
[00:25:03] And be curious. It’s like, oh, there’s a whole richness and a whole other experience that I can have with that. Did you have some tapping you wanted to do that on that?
[00:25:12] Rick: I tap a lot for this. Mm-hmm. Especially, you know, there’s, there’s some big unwanted in our world,
[00:25:19] Cathy: right?
[00:25:19] Rick: Um,
[00:25:20] Cathy: yeah.
[00:25:21] Rick: And sometimes the really big ones don’t move as, as, um, they’re not as.
[00:25:31] Useful uhhuh for me to play with.
[00:25:35] Cathy: Yeah.
[00:25:36] Rick: Um, as I’m learning the skill, the, yeah. Right. And so, like, our fence, um, you know, I love that we live in a natural place. I saw a mama bear in three baby bears the other day as I was heading out to go for my walk. And, you know, I, I really love seeing them in the car. I, I don’t really love seeing them when I’m there, you know, 50 feet away on the drill.
[00:25:59] Cathy: That’s scary. Like, oh, nice.
[00:26:02] Rick: But, um, we had a bear big. It looks like that came through our backyard, went over the fence to our neighbor’s yard, and the fence is now leaning very unwanted, uh, that our fence is now leaning. Now I’ve been in contact
[00:26:20] Cathy: right now. I,
[00:26:22] Rick: I’ve been in contact with a number of fence repair people and for them, this is wanted, this is great.
[00:26:30] This is a chance for them to come out and say, no, we can save the fence. Five posts in concrete. We’re gonna put a six by six here. Like this one guy was really excited about it, right? Like, this is wanted for him. He gets to restructure something. And I’m like, uh, yeah. Um, do so would I tap on something that is, you know, wanted by one person and not wanted by another?
[00:26:56] Like, we’re, there’s some people right now that, no, how can I say? Imagine someone that feels that they want to assert themselves, even if it damages other people’s, um, energy and wellbeing, but they feel like that’s their upright energy. And our upright energy is to do something very different. There’s that wanted unwanted, the yin yang, the pol, the black and white, which one’s black, which one’s white.
[00:27:28] Um, and so whether it’s a fence or a relationship, part of this together forever is for me to accept that, um, the, the perspectives and the energy polarities can, can really be quite. Contrasty
[00:27:46] Cathy: mm-hmm.
[00:27:47] Rick: In, in ThrivingNow lingo. And a lot of, a lot of people are switching from being, you know, it’s, it’s negative, it’s bad to being it’s contrast and what is it doing?
[00:28:00] It’s showing me something that I, I want, um, and its in, in this perception, I’m saying, oh, actually, yeah, I, I want people to stand up for what’s right for them and to do so in an, in a way that doesn’t inflict cruelty on others. Like, does that make sense? I, I know you have more background, Cathy, and I can’t, I’m not gonna give more than that, but it’s, it’s one of those things and I tap a lot, like, you know, even though this is really unwanted for me,
[00:28:36] Cathy: even though this is really unwanted for me,
[00:28:39] Rick: some people want it,
[00:28:40] Cathy: some people want it.
[00:28:42] Rick: Some people are celebrating.
[00:28:44] Cathy: Some people are celebrating.
[00:28:46] Rick: Dang,
[00:28:48] Cathy: damn.
[00:28:50] Rick: Who’s right?
[00:28:51] Cathy: Who’s right?
[00:28:53] Rick: Who’s wrong?
[00:28:54] Cathy: Who’s wrong?
[00:28:56] Rick: I just want my own clarity.
[00:28:58] Cathy: I want, I just want my own clarity.
[00:29:01] Rick: Because wanted and unwanted often go together forever
[00:29:05] Cathy: because wanted and unwanted often go together forever.
[00:29:09] Rick: Top of the Head:.
[00:29:11] But it’s unwanted.
[00:29:12] Cathy: It’s really unwanted
[00:29:14] Rick: Eyebrow:. But they want it.
[00:29:16] Cathy: They want it.
[00:29:18] Rick: They I, I can’t reconcile that.
[00:29:21] Cathy: I can’t reconcile that.
[00:29:24] Rick: But I can know where I stand.
[00:29:26] Cathy: I can know where I stand,
[00:29:30] Rick: and I can know what is wanted.
[00:29:32] Cathy: I can know what’s wanted.
[00:29:34] Rick: I can know what matters to me.
[00:29:36] Cathy: I can know what matters to me.
[00:29:38] Rick: It’s okay for me to know my aspirations.
[00:29:41] Cathy: It’s okay to know my aspirations,
[00:29:44] Rick: even if they’re not always showing up,
[00:29:46] Cathy: even if they’re not always showing up
[00:29:49] Rick: and decide that that’s not a defect,
[00:29:51] Cathy: and decide that that’s not a defect.
[00:29:54] Rick: I’ve often thought it was a defect.
[00:29:56] Cathy: I often thought it was a defect,
[00:30:00] Rick: but I’ve lived long enough to recognize that their aspirations,
[00:30:05] Cathy: I’ve lived long enough to know to realize their aspirations.
[00:30:12] I know, I think it’s, it’s important to, uh, just kind of circling back, like when there’s something really big and hard in our lives, it’s hard to just kind of go, oh, I’m gonna find the good things in there. I’m not, I don’t think any of us are saying that. Um, and we can try to find Yes. And I think it’s like this big bad thing is happening.
[00:30:34] I’m so grateful. I have some support. I’m so grateful. There’s people I can talk to or I have these skills, but the big bad is still there. And someone shared in the chat how, and I, I resonate with us. It’s like when you’re talking to someone that only wants to see the good and you’re talking about one of these big bad things is like.
[00:30:51] I don’t, it’s, they shared it. It’s that they don’t feel like they can be authentic without being judged. And it feels like they’re, they’re just ignoring the whole story. And I, I get that it feels like I’m, and they’re only seeing a filtered part of me. They’re only, they’re not being able to be with me with the hurt or the confusion or the worry that I might have.
[00:31:12] It’s like, oh no, it’ll all turn out great. And it’s like, eh, that’s too much sugar. No, I don’t like it. Um, and it’s not, it’s not real. I want, I want, I like to be people with people that can be with me as I am in my experience. And it’s fine to like, point out some positives, but not to filter and, and not to ignore the parts of it that matter to me because that’s really hard to connect.
[00:31:37] Um. When I, when someone’s doing that, it’s just like, eh, I have to defend. I feel like I have to defend myself from your, the positivity and the, the, um, I, it’s almost like they’re trying to torque my story to fit their worldview and fit what they’re trying to create. And that’s just not comfortable to me.
[00:31:55] So I think it’s the people that I feel close to and, and building deeper relationships are people that I can talk to about the negative things. Like Rick and I will talk sometimes and one of us will say, I just really need to vent and we’ll just give space to the things that are bothering us. And doesn’t mean we need to dwell there, like fester egg each other on, but it’s, there’s space for that feeling.
[00:32:21] There’s not a need to deny it or pretend it’s not there. Um, so I, yeah, I just, I like that you brought that up. I think that’s important to be able to. There, there are things that we don’t like and then other people can see it. Like, I love the fence story. It’s like the fence. People think this is fabulous.
[00:32:38] The Bear Pro fabulous.
[00:32:40] Rick: The
[00:32:40] Cathy: bear problem was very happy. The fence tipped over. It was easier to get over. It’s like, like from different perspectives it might be very different. And I, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about how the world is so different right now. We have groups of people that are like, how could this happen?
[00:32:58] And this other group’s like, yeah, do more. And I really think a lot of it is. The viewpoint on life. Like people, there’s some people that think their job is to extract as much from other people and get away with as much as they can and like try to force the world to be how they want it. And it doesn’t really matter if it harms other people very much.
[00:33:16] It’s they, they feel like they’re doing a good job when they’re, they’re extracting as much as they can. And there’s a lot of people that are like, no, we want to, like, I, I think it is more nurturing economy where it’s like, I’m not trying to extract things from you. I’m, I want the whole group to, to thrive and be good and like, you know, I don’t wanna take something that you need to make myself better.
[00:33:39] I want us all to have enough. And it’s just a different philosophy. And maybe it’s, you know, there’s some people in Buddhism that think that that’s part of the evolutionary path. They have to go through that first. And, you know, I don’t, I’m not sure what I believe on that, but. I, I do think that there, there’s, having these very different philosophical viewpoints means that sometimes one person can think something is great and another person can think it’s like really, really horrible.
[00:34:05] And I
[00:34:07] Rick: think, and that is where I think, oh, I’m sorry, I interrupt. No,
[00:34:09] Cathy: no, no. Go ahead.
[00:34:13] Rick: Well, I I love that we have so many things going here. Yeah. I, I want, I want to acknowledge that one of the reasons I do this work is I want more people like the, those of us on the call who can actually live a more nuanced life where the fact that you’re down or I’m down, or I had a really,
[00:34:41] if I’m in the middle of having a terrible Friday, I don’t want someone to say, well, look on the bright side.
[00:34:48] Cathy: No. Let me, let me show you the middle finger here.
[00:34:52] Rick: Well, what’s interesting is that. If, if we’re able to recognize each other as having Yeah. There’s, there’s this hard vein of, of reality in your world, and I’ve noticed by getting to know you deeply and holding a space where, yeah.
[00:35:17] That, that’s human right. That there are little things like the fire azaleas or the happy bushes, um, that are also part of your world. I can’t help myself. If someone really is stuck in solo,
[00:35:45] um, you know, they’re really. Down. It brings out like this is an, this is a situation I’d love to be healing, but not bypassing, healing says, I can see some things that you might notice, but it’s not my job to point them at you. It might be or whack throw them at you. Yeah. Um, uh, but I can be like, yeah, is there more?
[00:36:15] And that’s hard. And what can I do to hold at least a neutral space for you? Yeah. Um, I, I’ll say that for a period of time in my life, it was a long time ago. Um, I. I was so filtered out against the wanted that, even though I was really surrounded by so many things, and I can harvest them now many decades later, like, Ooh, that was fun.
[00:36:43] That was great. That was help, that was healing for me.
[00:36:46] Cathy: Mm-hmm.
[00:36:46] Rick: I didn’t notice it at the time, but I, I wasn’t very open. And there are people right now who their stress level is so high that if you bring them any reality, unwanted reality,
[00:37:03] they do not know what to do with it other than latch onto some bypass. And it’s hard. I, I wish we lived in a world with more abundant capacity for emotional presence. I am not noticing it. You know, I,
[00:37:26] even with people that. I know have the capacity. There are some things that are just too raw for them to hear deeply. And even just a moment of realness, you can tell that was hard for them. Yeah. And if we get good at saying, oh, what’s going on there is, it’s not about me. They can’t actually hold my reality.
[00:37:54] And that can feel, my primitive brain goes, well, they should. Um, but that’s my primitive brain. My heart goes, yeah, I’ve, I’ve been there. And I, I seek out people that can hold a reality. That’s why I have a circle, uh, to be that person as well as have that in my world. Um, so it reminds me that they’re good.
[00:38:19] There are people that can’t always hold all of it. I wouldn’t want to. Expect people to hold my unwanted as if it’s their own. But I’m, I’m grateful that the people closest to me, even professionally, they recognize I’m a human. And I don’t have to pretend that like my dad did that, everything’s going fine and neither do you.
[00:38:47] But with some people pretending is on the menu and it’s all that’s on the menu. And that’s, and also it goes both ways. The positive like, oh, everything’s wonderful. That’s a strategy. As well as, um, you know, I had this really sweet moment with my daughter, uh. Did you see what was on CNN today?
[00:39:14] Cathy: Wait, no,
[00:39:17] Rick: you just did the, the unwant to my own.
[00:39:21] Like we’re trying to balance out these polarities rather than be with the sway. I don’t want any of us to, you know, crash in one direction or another at it has hap it happens. That’s not a defect, but it is, it’s harder, it’s harder to recover, um, than being, having a wide range of being able to hold and experience.
[00:39:49] Yeah, this is an ecosystem. Those trees are down and man, that little pine tree has a chance to grow into a magnificent tree now because it used to be in the shade. I’ve seen it for two years. Struggling. The shade. There’s this one spot that I spend time and there was this little tiny thing two, three years later, and it’s not this big.
[00:40:14] Right after Helene, it went, I am free. While I’m looking at the dead carcass of one of the trees I used to lean against and I can hold both. I want to, I want to cultivate a world where I can hold both. I can hold what goes great for my kids and I can hold their emotional struggles. And for me and for my mom and for my partner and all of us, um, that are freedom kin, we wanna be free.
[00:40:49] But I don’t think it can be free if we have to be on one polarity at the other because, uh, life has a way of, uh, bringing in both.
[00:41:02] Cathy: It does. And I was, I’ve been watching YouTube a lot, and there’s a person doing a forest restoration. And I think I, I, when you’re talking about this, it just struck me that I always had this image like, you should take the dead wood out and it’s not useful and it’s kind of ugly.
[00:41:17] And he was actually purposely killing some of the trees that were in the wrong area because a lot of birds and insects need these half these dead trees standing dead trees to live. That’s how they, they thrive. And so it was really, that was an example for me, like, oh, what I think of as I’ve been kind of rated like it should be all groomed and pretty.
[00:41:38] It’s like, that’s actually the opposite of what a thriving ecosystem needs. It does need a mixture of standing deadwood and fallen trees because that helps the, the ecosystem thrive. And I was like, oh, wow. That’s, that’s interesting for me, um, that it’s not what I would think of. You know, I see a tree down and they’re so beautiful and I feel so very sad.
[00:41:59] And I was like. Huh. There’s some insects and birds that are probably really happy with all this knockdown. So, um, someone shared here about, um, it’s really hard to be okay when really when you really want something. I know the big wants are hard. Um, it’s, um, there’s an intense, complicated feelings inside that are unwanted about it and trying to be okay with the unwanted, um, but not being okay and feeling stuck with the feelings coming back.
[00:42:28] I just wanted to share something that I’ve been exploring and I’m glad Rick, I’m glad for any thoughts you have too, is, um, I’ve been, um, exploring vipasana meditation, which is a type of meditation where you just be with the different sensations in your body and that both good and bad. And one of the things is I have not been able to, I can tap and get over things, but I have not been able to think my way out of unwanted feelings.
[00:42:53] Um, but when I give a lot of space for the unwanted feelings, if I can just be with it and feel the feeling, and it’s not the thoughts, the thoughts don’t shift anything for me. In fact, it seems to feed it. If I think about it, it just kind of grows bigger. But if I can, okay, what are the sensations in my body when I feel this?
[00:43:11] Oh, I have a, like if I really want something and don’t get it, it’s like, oh, there’s this dull ache in my chest. My body feels kind of tense. Like, if I can be with those sensations and give it space, it doesn’t mean I want it less, but the, the intensity of the feelings seem to pass. They impermanence, they’re not permanent is, and every time I, I’m a pretty smart person normally, but every time I think this will last forever and usually it’s like three to five minutes.
[00:43:41] Um, so it just, you know, every time I think this is forever and I can’t do it, but if I just do it for a couple sec, even for a few seconds and a few seconds more, it seems to pull some of the. Angst out. And then I can often think of things more clearly and say, oh, I really wanted that, but why did I want that?
[00:44:00] What did I think I would get out of that? Once the, once some of the angst has been drained off, like, oh, I really wanted that experience and I can’t have it with that person. Maybe like, I have a friend that’s kind of drifted away and we’re just not friends anymore, and it’s very sad for me at times, but it’s like, oh, but I, I really like that experience of going out to dinner and having a really nice dinner and now I have.
[00:44:23] The space and awareness to say, oh, is there someone else I could go out with and if not, can I start looking for that, rather than being caught up in the thoughts of it over and over and over again. Um, and I’m curious that I am still exploring that and playing around with it, but it seems to help just to be with, and I can definitely do tapping too, but just what are the sensations I’m feeling?
[00:44:46] Yeah, they’re unwanted. I don’t like how they feel, but if I can embrace them and be with them, it seems to drain enough that I can start looking at a different, getting a new perspective or, you know, not at least feeling more peace about it.
[00:45:04] Rick: I, the, most of the people that I am listening to that are doing work around this inner experience are very coming back to and going deeper and exploring the somatic side of it. Um, and in my way I’m saying if I, if it’s unwanted to have the unwanted and if it’s unwanted, that I find it unwanted to have the unwanted, and if I really am pissed off at myself because I have this unwanted, unwanted, unwanted ness, I have, I have layered this in layers and layers of paint mixed with shit.
[00:45:58] And I, uh, what am I doing with that? And part of my work for myself is to, is to look at, yeah, this is unwanted because what matters to me
[00:46:15] and to, to ground that. Like I intense internal feelings. For me, it’s like, yeah, I feel really intensely, like this is unwanted in, in my life, in my world, in my family. Okay. And you know what? It feels intense. I, because I am an intense person, I have a lot of vitality. I am not a, a dying slug. I have so much juju, right?
[00:46:48] Like I can, I can love a little tiny tree as if it is God’s gift. And I can hate that person and what they’re doing with a lot of intensity, right? Because I, what matters to me is vitality. Now, yeah, I want to channel my vitality mostly toward, oh, guess what? So if I have something that really is unwanted, that activates me.
[00:47:20] Like, yeah, I have a lot of vitality about this. Notice what I just did, I brought myself back into something That’s true. I don’t want to be numbed out. I, I don’t want to be dissociated, I don’t wanna be drunk. I don’t want to be eating myself to death. I really don’t. That’s unwanted. So what do I do? I have vitality.
[00:47:41] I have emotional richness across a wide spectrum, including profane expressions. There’s this now been recorded for, uh,
[00:47:50] Cathy: that’s,
[00:47:51] Rick: and what I can do is I can drop in and say, yeah, that is so unwanted because I like depth and safety and respect for what people find right for them. So I’m gonna put a lot more of that vitality toward those people that are close enough and dear enough to me that they can receive that.
[00:48:15] Yeah. That they can receive that. And I, I, I’ve seen pictures of some of you. I know that you’ve, you’ve offered love to, to my family, um, that the, the unwanted ness that you know, that I have, and you probably would, would rather it didn’t exist in the world. You care about the me and my family and you. What have you done?
[00:48:40] You’ve taken that like this is unwanted. I’m gonna send Rick some appreciation. That’s what I’m talking about. It’s, we take the energy that gets activated and stirred up and instead of, and, but for me, there’s an energetic pathway. It’s not a doing pathway. Oh, I want this to be different. So the doing would all be about stopping that unwanted thing.
[00:49:11] Mm-hmm. I have yet to find that, that. Works nearly as well as my imagination would like to think it.
[00:49:21] Cathy: Yeah.
[00:49:22] Rick: Maybe it’s just me. Um, but wow. In, in this period of time where the unwanted is bigger and hairier and smellier, you know, mold is really alive in the world, in, in our world. Um, what does it mean to my, to me, my energy?
[00:49:44] It’s like, you know, I really value, um, a kind of sacred holding.
[00:49:51] Cathy: Mm-hmm.
[00:49:52] Rick: And I value closeness and depth and listening and presence, allowing people to be, I will say I am now, at least in, in the last six months, I am 10 times better at allowing my daughter to have her big feelings than I was six months ago.
[00:50:12] By being so repulsed by an by adults who cannot manage their big feelings. I’m like, well, sweetheart, you’re five and you’re doing great. You know, suppressing your disappointment. You know, no one can force you to share against your will. It’s like, no, this is my rocket bar. No dadda, you’re not sharing it with me.
[00:50:38] Um, you know, you can’t coax, you know, anything. And, and I’m like, yeah, yeah, she’s maturing. She’s not, she’s five. I can be on, I can find it very unwanted that you know, somebody in their, in, in. Power or things that they’re in power is behaving like a toddler, right? And turn my, my attention to my five-year-old and help what, cultivate a space where she, she sees how I’m managing and energy and imperfectly and that’s where if there is an energy pathway inside me, if I could show you, like where does it go from unwanted to something that’s really pretty good.
[00:51:32] It’s through something that matters to me, that’s a core value like vitality or freedom or safety and respect and consent. Uh, deep listening to what our children want while still holding the space of being a parent. Like those matter to me. I didn’t have that the way I wanted. And whether it’s coming from my past and my past experiences or coming from today, it, there’s a pathway there.
[00:52:07] As long as we, as long as I make sure that I say, yeah, I’m really intense and I honor that about myself and I wanna put that qi, that energy this way. Um, does that
[00:52:24] Cathy: Yeah.
[00:52:25] Rick: Yeah.
[00:52:25] Cathy: I think that’s very wise. And I wish there were more people in politics than have that viewpoint. Um,
[00:52:33] Rick: yeah.
[00:52:34] Cathy: Are we gonna take a seven minute break today?
[00:52:36] Rick: Yeah, let’s do that. We said we would, so we’re gonna break for seven minutes. If you’re on the recording, we invite you to take a break too and we’ll be back.
[00:52:48] Welcome back, wanted and unwanted. Hold on. Talking to me. Um,
[00:53:02] when I was, uh, when I was growing up, when you had wanted and unwanted, we called them pros and cons and, um, uh, Ben Franklin had something that he called Prudential Algebra or moral Algebra. When he was making a decision, he suggested that you take a piece of paper and you, you draw a line down the middle and over the course of three or four days, you would put, um, everything that was a pro on one side, everything, a con on the other, and weigh it and, uh, be able to be, uh, be able to make a decision based upon which side was predominant.
[00:53:51] Um, I think that that really messed me up. To be honest, because, um, when Cathy and I have been teaching about body guidance, there’s a, a complex ecosystem, head, heart, gut, groin, you know, how it feels in the we space that, that you are sharing. Um, whereas kind of linear prudential algebra kind of gets me into my head and analyzing.
[00:54:28] And Ben was never in my head, he doesn’t realize that I could list things very, a lot of meaningful reasons why something is a pro. But like I started off, I could almost always come up with a thousand. Cons for almost anything. Now you might look at 'em and like, wow, you are right out there in ridiculous land, Rick, right?
[00:54:58] Like, that is so unlikely. Why are you putting that on the con side? Well, yeah, but an asteroid could hit, right? You know, do I really want to to live by the ocean where the tsunami could come up? What do you love? You have all these things about living by the sea and being on the sea. Do you see like, I can argue for the cons really effectively.
[00:55:28] Um, but in our wanted and unwanted together, there’s a freedom that I find. Which is, yeah, these exist in the ecosystem. They exist on every path that I, I’m in, on. I, it exists in every relationship. Every house that I’ve ever owned or lived in or visited every hotel room, every, everything has some qualities that are, um, wanted and unwanted.
[00:55:57] I, and it’s like, oh, you mean that’s, that’s natural. That’s not, it just
[00:56:05] Cathy: is.
[00:56:05] Rick: That’s not an engineering defect. Right? Oh, you mean I get emotional When, um,
[00:56:17] when, when, when a boundary is being violated, when someone’s making up a story about someone that is for their purposes, but not, doesn’t seem grounded in truth, you mean that getting upset. Or even ruminating on it for a while until I find a place to land with my energy. You mean that’s normal Eyebrow:?
[00:56:40] You mean the unwanted is is normal and natural.
[00:56:45] Cathy: You mean? The unwanted is normal and natural
[00:56:48] Rick: Side of the Eye:. It’s a part of every ecosystem.
[00:56:51] Cathy: It’s a part of every ecosystem,
[00:56:54] Rick: and for every animal and plant on the planet,
[00:56:57] Cathy: for every animal and plant on the planet,
[00:57:01] Rick: there’s wanted and there’s unwanted,
[00:57:04] Cathy: there’s wanted and unwanted.
[00:57:08] Rick: I least am free to accept that.
[00:57:10] Cathy: Accept that. At least I’m free to accept that
[00:57:15] Rick: it’s not a defect.
[00:57:17] Cathy: It’s not a defect.
[00:57:19] Rick: It may activate my aspirations.
[00:57:22] Cathy: It may activate my aspirations.
[00:57:25] Rick: There may be things to protect against.
[00:57:28] Cathy: There may be things to protect against.
[00:57:30] Rick: Or adapt around
[00:57:32] Cathy: or adapt around
[00:57:35] Rick: plants and trees do that.
[00:57:37] Cathy: Plants and trees do that.
[00:57:39] Rick: It’s been around for millions of years.
[00:57:41] Cathy: It’s been around for millions of years.
[00:57:43] Rick: Don’t see it stopping my lifetime.
[00:57:46] Cathy: I don’t see it stopping in my lifetime.
[00:57:49] Rick: I, what would happen if I embrace the freedom of that?
[00:57:53] Cathy: What would happen if I embrace the freedom of that
[00:57:57] Rick: i’d? I’d be repulsed a lot less.
[00:58:01] Cathy: I’d be repulsed a lot less,
[00:58:04] Rick: including by my, my own humanity,
[00:58:07] Cathy: including by my own humanity.
[00:58:11] Rick: Where would I like to put that energy?
[00:58:13] Cathy: Where would I like to put that energy
[00:58:16] Rick: for my thriving,
[00:58:18] Cathy: for my
[00:58:19] Rick: ThrivingNow and onwards
[00:58:21] Cathy: now and onwards?
[00:58:26] And when you’re saying that, I’m like drawn to like, I think that if we didn’t have unwanted things, we would still be living in caves and not having, you know, modern medicine and education and internet. And like when I look at people that are really depressed or they, or they’re just kind of shut down or dissociated there, there’s not a lot of wanting there other than to kind of get through the day.
[00:58:48] But when we have strong wanting, like they can suck, they can really suck. But I’ve heard of people like their child got sick and then they started a foundation and helped to discover new ways to treat people or whatever. Like we can, that wanting can also be used to create something beautiful, even though it’s often really painful to be with.
[00:59:11] And it’s, I’m not saying trying to take anything away from the fact, it can be very painful, but. Can, it can No, and no mud, no Lotus as in Buddha saying like, you have to have the mud to sometimes to create the lotus, um, to create something that’s beautiful and, and beneficial to people. Um, not that we need to seek it out.
[00:59:33] I think life brings it plenty. Um, yeah, I just, I like what I Thank you for that tapping. It felt really nice.
[00:59:42] Rick: Hmm. The chat’s open. We have a few more minutes in the, the schedule time of the workshop. We don’t require that it go all the way to the end, but we do try to finish up right on time. Um, because it’s a conversation and a skillset that continues for the freedom kin of which I’m consider myself one.
[01:00:02] Um, the, the capacity to hold the, and I, I find, um. That it’s a recognition that we’re not operating as intensely from our primitive brain. Um, the primitive brain is very black and white, and if you look at the yin yang and you spend some time with it, there’s the white and the black. The black and the white.
[01:00:28] And then there’s even the white and the black and the black and the white, and it really goes on infinitely. Um, and what that reminds me is even in something that looks like it’s a binary, there’s overlaps and intertwining and, and, um, I like that it’s a circle. It doesn’t, it doesn’t say that we, we cut the circle in half and one half is yin and the other half is young.
[01:00:53] One half is masculine, one half is feminine and one is black and one is white. There’s one as good as one is bad. One is the primitive brain though, just to recognize what we’ve learned over decades of studying, um. There’s a part of us that shortcuts wanted and unwanted when it’s actually a spectrum, it’s an interwoven spectrum of things that are intensely unwanted.
[01:01:22] Eh, not preferred. Can you feel the spectrum there, like intensely unwanted? Yeah. I don’t prefer that.
[01:01:29] Cathy: Yeah. But our brain will put it all in the same bucket of just like cake.
[01:01:33] Rick: Right. Do you, do you want pineapples on your pizza today? Nah, not today. That’s unwanted. If they put it on it, I, I now have unwanted pineapples.
[01:01:43] My kids are like, yeah. Lots of 'em. But, right. Um, so in this spectrum, that’s why if my primitive brain is active, that’s where this wanted unwanted, wanted unwanted polarity is, and the tapping and the like, everything we do to bring it. Even more explicitly, that’s unwanted at a six, a hard six, right? But that’s different than unwanted at a 10 or a 10,000.
[01:02:19] Um, I can even look at like how close to home it is. It’s unwanted in the world. Well, this is unwanted in like right here, close to home, in in our community, in our home, in my body. Um, and and
[01:02:46] what else is alive in me?
[01:02:49] Cathy: Yeah.
[01:02:50] Rick: What else am I also, go ahead.
[01:02:53] Cathy: Well, just the flip side of that, like, I think we take negative, like quote unquote negative
[01:02:58] Rick: experience, but are you being binary?
[01:03:00] Cathy: For the point of illustration, but like, even though there might be like, I moderately don’t wanna do this, but I would do it and not be harmed in any way versus this is horrible, we put that, well look, we tend to put that in a bucket of negative in the positive realm.
[01:03:15] I think because of societies marketing for a large part, we tend to put only the celebratory like TenneT of tens in the good bucket. It’s not, you know, it’s like, oh, I won the Nobel Prize and the Grammys and um, you know, I got married on the same day. That’s a good day. Like, and I went perfectly and you know, this big, big splashy thing gets registered as good versus.
[01:03:41] I was sitting quietly on my chi, my couch this morning listening to the rain and watching the flowers through the, the window. And it was a very quiet, good moment, like something I really enjoyed. But it was, I don’t, I think our society tends to make it so we, you know, we’re trained not to notice those as much and they’re so fulfilling when I practice noticing them or like slow down and take a breath and like, what can I notice in this minute moment that I enjoy?
[01:04:08] What can I appreciate? And I think, you know, we talk a lot about appreciation and gratitude, um, in general and when we do e fts, 'cause it’s really helpful to help us tune in and not just bypass all the like, things that are quietly nice. Um, and I think that we can often feel more depleted when we’re not noticing those quiet moments.
[01:04:31] So I think that’s kind of this too.
[01:04:35] Rick: And we can like. The fact that I noticed that little tree over the years and notice how flourishing it is right now. Like it would, it looked more pathetic than the Charlie Brown’s Christmas, Christmas tree like at times. And it’s, it’s, it’s really quite excited to be alive right now.
[01:04:59] I could feel it and it’s, it’s just a little thing right now when I saw it and I noticed what I can say is I really like myself. So while it’s a little thing I like myself more and more, it feels like a true expression of what I’m capable of to notice the little things when, like Cathy said, you know, it used to be the big wins.
[01:05:36] Were the ones that landed in my, in my psyche, not all the other things that went into it. If we only celebrate the orgasm, what about all the ways that we tended and connected with one another throughout weeks of life? Like to be the person that can, can have a peak experience, an ecstatic experience, but also be the person that, um, notices, you know, just a little touch, nothing, no big deal.
[01:06:16] Oh, yes it is.
[01:06:17] Cathy: Yeah. It’s
[01:06:18] Rick: right to take a pause and turn toward each other or rest your foreheads together. Is that a big deal? It is. To me it’s an 11. Like that’s, that is where. We can take things that are accessible, that are a part of our world and we can’t ground, I, I can’t make them a huge deal, right?
[01:06:45] Mm-hmm. But what I can say is that, that matters to me, and I appreciate that. I’m, I, I cultivated and continue to cultivate this practice of noticing the little things of the people I love, the little things in nature, the little things that come my way. I got a, just a really short note the other day from someone I hadn’t heard from for a while, and she said, how are things in your world?
[01:07:13] I really, truly, I truly hope that you and your family have a few, uh, have some really special moments this summer. There was such a blessing. It was a couple of words, a couple of lines, a couple of seconds, maybe a minute of sending that off. If you look at it objectively, if you look at it like kind of the linear Ben Franklin thing, but for me it’s a testimony to the interconnectedness of heart that we’re cultivating around the world By doing this work, it puts us attuned and capable of doing something tender.
[01:07:49] Because if you’re asking somebody, are you doing anything good this summer? And they come back with, no, I’m dying and I’m not, but like you’re opening yourself to that. If you are able to hold both that, oh yeah, we’re doing this fun thing, we’re doing that fun thing. No, actually all of our plans are up in the air because do, do, do.
[01:08:13] If you’re the type of person that can hold both of that, that’s no small thing. In my world,
[01:08:22] Cathy: and it requires a depth and wisdom that I don’t think, I mean, it’s pretty rare from, in my experience.
[01:08:29] Rick: Yeah. Well, there’s 11 of us here. We’ve made great strides. Um,
[01:08:37] Cathy: yeah, no, I, I do, I, and I, I think that, that kind of like, can, we appreciate the fact that we’re here talking about this growing up, this was not anywhere, this was not accessible. I remember being five and hiding behind the couch and saying, my parents were screaming at each other. My sister and I were crying, and there was no option.
[01:08:58] There wasn’t a, there were no self up books in the library. There was no internet. There were no YouTube. Nobody went to therapy in that. Area of the world. Like it just was, that was if you were like ready to kill people. Crazy. Um, and so I just remember sitting there and going, there has to be a better way and I will find it.
[01:09:18] But there really wasn’t, it wasn’t till I was in my twenties that I really had access to anything different, and it was very limited. And right now it’s like there’s so much available out there and there’s a lot of people that just don’t even notice it’s there. The fact that we’re here talking about these hard things, I mean, how many people show up for the good and the bad?
[01:09:36] Like together? Like most people are like, no, no, no. I want to learn how to make everything good all the time. What are you trying to tell me? This about the fact that we’re here together talking about that, that’s really special to me. Um, and I think that’s, it shows a, a different viewpoint on life that. Is can be really, really rich.
[01:09:56] It’s, I don’t know that the journey is easy. It hasn’t been for me, but it’s often very, if someone shared that, you know, it’s, it’s good and bad and it’s life is amazing and then it’s awful and it’s amazing again. And then it’s amazing and awful and it’s ordinary and mundane and routine and it’s, it’s beautiful.
[01:10:13] It’s breathtakingly beautiful. I’m paraphrasing. There’s a lot of be beautiful words there, but I think that’s, it’s when we open ourselves to both the heartbreak and the, the, to use her word, um, and also the, the joy and the mundane everyday things that’s like, there’s a richness that I’ve never experienced before and that I longed for as a child.
[01:10:35] So I’m really glad we’re here creating something different in the world.
[01:10:43] Rick: Yeah. Um, and it’s okay to be angry at the suggestion of being okay or accepting the unwanted.
[01:10:52] Cathy: Yeah.
[01:10:52] Rick: And, and this is where something like repetitive refusal tapping can be helpful. Yeah. Uh, I, there are things that I’ve really, like, I had so much inner resistance to it that I wasn’t, I, I needed to accept that I was just going, maybe, possibly going to rebel against this notion forever.
[01:11:15] And maybe that was what was right for me. And I will say there’s a lot of good in the world that exists only because someone was so hateful towards something, or someone, or a situation that they, they chose to, to fight it, to do something different, to create something different that exists as a pattern that humans can do.
[01:11:45] But if you find that it’s an inner thing that isn’t manifesting out in the world. Then that kind of self tantrum, if I at least express it like this, even. Even though I refuse to accept the unwanted,
[01:12:03] Cathy: even though I refuse to accept the unwanted,
[01:12:06] Rick: and I’ve decided that there’s wisdom in that,
[01:12:09] Cathy: and I’ve decided there’s wisdom in that,
[01:12:15] Rick: and you’re not gonna make me change,
[01:12:17] Cathy: you are not gonna make me change.
[01:12:20] Rick: Top of the Head:. I refuse. I
[01:12:21] Cathy: refuse
[01:12:23] Rick: Eyebrow:. A part of me is giving a tantrum here.
[01:12:27] Cathy: Part of me is giving a tantrum here
[01:12:30] Rick: Side of the Eye:. That’s pretty intense.
[01:12:32] Cathy: That’s pretty intense.
[01:12:35] Rick: There must be intelligence in that.
[01:12:37] Cathy: There must be intelligence in that.
[01:12:39] Rick: It may be ancient intelligence,
[01:12:41] Cathy: maybe ancient intelligence,
[01:12:43] Rick: Chin:. It may be really hard won intelligence.
[01:12:46] Cathy: It may be really hard won intelligence.
[01:12:50] Rick: And a part of me thinks accepting means, and I’m not gonna answer for you, but like I used to think accepting means capitulating, um, tolerating, uh, like letting go.
[01:13:06] Like it’s unwanted and I have to just cope with it. But that’s different than it’s unwanted. And what do I want to actually be with and focus on? But I’m still gonna have a tantrum about it.
[01:13:22] Cathy: I’m still gonna have a tantrum, tantrum about it.
[01:13:26] Rick: I like that I have that much vitality.
[01:13:29] Cathy: I like that I have that much vitality.
[01:13:31] Rick: I am capable of having a tantrum. I’m
[01:13:34] Cathy: capable of having a tantrum.
[01:13:36] Rick: It must be important to me on some level.
[01:13:38] Cathy: It must be important to me. On some level,
[01:13:40] Rick: I am having a tantrum about it.
[01:13:42] Cathy: I’m having a tantrum about it.
[01:13:45] Rick: That is so human.
[01:13:46] Cathy: That is so human.
[01:13:51] Rick: And I am not required to accept the unacceptable.
[01:13:54] Cathy: I am not required to accept the unacceptable.
[01:13:59] Rick: It’s my energy and I get to choose. It’s
[01:14:01] Cathy: my energy and I get to choose.
[01:14:05] Rick: I want, I want my power. I
[01:14:08] Cathy: want my power,
[01:14:10] Rick: and I want to use it my way,
[01:14:12] Cathy: and I wanna use it my way.
[01:14:16] Rick: And that is a skill.
[01:14:18] Cathy: And that is a skill,
[01:14:20] Rick: and that’s freedom. And I want it.
[01:14:22] Cathy: And I want it
[01:14:25] Rick: including to reject everything that you all have been talking about,
[01:14:28] Cathy: including to reject everything you’ve all been talking about. I think there’s wisdom in that sometimes there’s times when I haven’t wanted to accept something and then I fought and gnashed my teeth and I found a different solution.
[01:14:41] I, there’s nothing wrong with looking for other solutions. I think the point, some point sometimes, not always, but sometimes I found there isn’t a solution for something. There’s many solutions to many things and things we don’t always think about, but sometimes I create unnecessary suffering. Once I’ve determined there is, you know, I’ve tried all the things and now can I help myself process the fact that I’m having to face something I don’t want to, and we all get to choose one that is, and if that is for ourselves.
[01:15:17] Rick: If you do work like this where you’re sharing what works for you, you.
[01:15:25] You discover sometimes that the biggest gift that you give someone is that they get the freedom to reject what you’re saying and that in that rejection they are, they are freed up to tap into their own artistry, their own wisdom, which is different than mine. I, I love that there’s as much resonance around my concepts for thriving, and I deeply appreciate when people bounce off, whether it’s something specific.
[01:16:01] You know, I that’s part of the freedom kin is that oh, if, if whatever the experience is inside of you is a no around this, we’ll take it. I, I, I trust that your in your innate wisdom will take you. In the direction of your aspirations, whether quickly or, um, decisively or ev like you, like you said, Cathy, sometimes we evolve into it.
[01:16:36] You know, when I started tapping, there were things that some tapping people were asserting that, no, you have to do it this way. And I was like,
[01:16:43] Cathy: no, I don’t. I like the phrase, it’s
[01:16:47] Rick: sort of in a profane mood. I didn’t share what my reaction was, but you might guess, um, I went in a different direction in that repulsion.
[01:17:00] Um,
[01:17:01] Cathy: I love the, the Al-Anon phrase. I
[01:17:03] Rick: like where,
[01:17:04] Cathy: yeah, yeah, go ahead. Al-Anon and aa, they often use, take what you like and leave the rest. And I think that’s a really, like when you’re, when people are sharing stuff, if something doesn’t resonate for you or it, you know, feels wrong, please don’t apply it. It’s, you know, you, you’re the one having to live with what you’re experiencing and your no is valid and useful.
[01:17:29] Rick: Well, and I don’t, I don’t require that people who love me and that I love, um, see everything the same way. And so people do. So, like, I, I really trust, to me, it’s a, it’s a deepening of friendship. When someone can say, that really is not the way I’m gonna orient love you. And that is not, I, I reject this approach or that approach, or that perspective as being right for me without necessarily setting themselves tribally as now, uh, black and white, you
[01:18:01] Cathy: have to go away.
[01:18:02] Rick: Right? That’s where the wanted and the unwanted, when it comes to ideas, thoughts, concepts, approaches, what’s, what matters most. For some people it’s adventure. For some people it’s security, you know? Um. And those don’t always mesh up. But if we, if we can allow more and in the thoughts and attitudes of each other.
[01:18:29] Yeah. We’ll, we’ll have more friends, we’ll feel more kinship, we’ll have, uh, more realness, um, in my view. And some, you know, opinions vary. Um, well thank you for, for doing this, Cathy. Oh. And for co-creating and
[01:18:49] Cathy: thanks. All the feedback from people in chat and the engagement, it’s beautiful. And I really appreciate what you shared, Rick.
[01:18:57] Thanks for helping write this.
[01:19:00] Rick: Thanks to those in the chat that have helped make it a workshop.
[01:19:03] Cathy: Yes. Love it.
[01:19:05] Rick: Um, uh, we’re, we’re exploring some ideas for next month. If there are things around emotional freedom and thriving that, uh, are appealing for us to cover, you think for yourself. Our emails open support@thrivingnow.com.
[01:19:20] It comes to Cathy and me. Um, and we’ll see you next time.
[01:19:25] Cathy: Yeah. Bye everyone. Bye.
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