[Just a quick reflection that I would like to make]
For a long time, and I suppose even before I came along with joining the Thriving Now Circle, I have to say that I’ve always been so afraid of new experiences. And I do know that a lot of it comes from my past traumas, and insurmountable sufferings that I’ve endured when I was trapped in a dysfunctional family situation and a restrictive religious culture.
And so I suppose I ran my life constantly on the lookout avoiding terrible situations that make me feel so insecure, vulnerable and hurt. And I supposed that what I have realised is that yes, it has perhaps saved me from numerous mental suffering. However, it has also severely limited me in many learning opportunities and growth from mistakes.
But yes, I suppose at each moment of my life, I would need to honour what my system needs, if that means running away at the expense of growing. And vice versa can be true too, which means if sticking around in hopes of growing and learning hurts too much as it wrecks my system.
3 Things All Introverts Need To Stop Doing - YouTube After watching this short video, it did gave me some insights in the way I behave. I think that because of my fear of vulnerability, I have, as the video suggests, self justified myself in putting myself in a box of “wallowing in my unresolved suffering”. And though I was clear in the need to run away and protect myself, I realised that I wasn’t clear about what it means to stay, to hang around and run the risk of being vulnerable, being shared with disagreeable opinions and learning how to co-exist with them respectfully.
I realised that I have definitely put myself in the position of victimhood (though this is definitely a huge issue that takes time to work through). And validated my fears and use them as a form of superiority over others because of how strongly the emotions and memories were still strongly attached to the fears themselves. And I too also have started seeing myself as the “more emotionally intelligent” one and therefore have put a barrier around myself, concluding that most people actually don’t really understand me at all since they don’t have that set of intelligence.
And now, with more inner work in place, I would say that I do want to slowly break out of my self-validated echo chamber of sulks, and perhaps slowly unsee myself as this special victim that hurts terribly and painfully (though the pain is still all true!). But instead, I want to remember that I can take on new opportunities and challenges for greater healing only if I learn to take the risk of being vulnerable and enabling the triggers to happen as healing opportunities. And that includes being here too!
I need to learn to embrace the new and the uncertain and learn to willing to clean up mess when they inevitably do arises (rather than waiting to be completely healed to take the first step!)