Real Skills Workshop - Community Event
Stop Suppressing Yourself…
Real Skills Workshop: Be What Matters
Hosts: Rick Wilkes (@Rick) and Cathy Vartuli (@Cathy)
Recorded Sun Jan 29 2023
Replay is below
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Two Quick Alerts: (1) Carol Look will be offering her Project Gratitude for 3 weeks starting February 6th! Details and sign-up at the link. I’ll be there! It’ll be such hearty good emotional food.
(2) Also, next Sunday Cathy and I will host Stop Suppressing Yourself… which fits perfectly with challenges in feeling gratitude and other nourishing emotions. Keep reading for more.
Hi!
Do you find it hard to feel gratitude? I have! It’s easier now than it used to be… and it still takes mindful effort.
Why is that?!? By so many measures we have so much to be grateful for compared to people hundreds of years ago.
Well, a lot of us have learned the hard way that it was “best” to suppress certain emotions, particularly positive ones, as a coping mechanism.
And when there are significant challenges for us and those we love, feeling gratitude might feel “out of step” with the suffering around us.
It’s even more challenging when people around us are reactive about gratitude, appreciation, and feeling blessed. “Easy for YOU to say!” or “You just wait… the other shoe will drop!”
We suppress ourselves. It’s part of our conditioning.
Indeed, thriving for me has been learning the skill of FREEING MYSELF and finding savvy ways to feel all the good feels and not just stay as stressed and anxious and worried all the time – like almost everyone else.
To Stop Suppressing Ourselves is a skill. It can be taught. If you’re willing to explore this, we invite you to join us for the workshop this Sunday. It’s Step #2 in our Be What Matters series… and it’s crucial for thriving.
We look forward to engaging with you!
With smiles and love,
Rick & Cathy
Your Emotional Freedom Coaches
Schedule Private, Gliding Scale Coaching Sessions Here
P.S. Gratitude and its cuddle-buddy Appreciation are emotional states that appear essential for thriving. Even if your focus right now isn’t on gratitude, the process Carol goes through in her 6-session series applies to all emotions you want more of. It’s why I recommend Project Gratitude to our community and will be participating myself. Learn more here.
P.P.S. Adira says, “I’m grateful for a house warm enough for bare feet in winter… and homemade chocolates!!”
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Acclimate? Yes. Suppress? No!
Inside Voices, Please!
Yes, I am asking the kids to acclimate as they shift from outside where they have been enthusiastically shrieking with friends to inside where such sounds are more impactful.
Is that a bad thing? Am I crushing their spirit and vibrancy?
Well, it would hit differently, wouldn’t it, if I said “YOU are TOO LOUD!” Or, “You are so inconsiderate! You only care about yourself!”
Ouch.
We humans thrive through our capacity to acclimate. We’re the only species that lives in all the ecosystems on the planet. I’m guessing there are more people showering outside naked along the equator than in Antarctica – where showing outside can freeze your nipples off. We acclimate. We adapt. It’s a superpower!
It’s also used against us.
Those who would deny our freedom to Be What Matters have asserted that learning takes place seated obediently in chairs looking at a chalkboard, and work is done 9-5 at an office where we do what the boss demands of us, and we WILL respect our parents and do what we’re told when we’re told and never “talk back.”
Meaning, suppress yourself in order to survive under authoritarian rule… or else.
Suppression is when our capacity to acclimate with savvy is used against us. We can even acclimate by automatically suppressing ourselves without being told.
We still call that “being a good girl… a good boy… a good person.”
When our goodness becomes mired in how effectively we suppress ourselves, our thriving is lost.
Time to rediscover and reclaim our superpowers!
It is savvy to not overexpose ourselves to cold that will harm us – whether in frigid weather or with cold, cruel people.
Acclimating can mean not exposing ourselves to harm, using protective measures, and accepting that some people (like some weather) demand we “wrap up and adapt” and not reveal our tender, fleshy parts.
That said, if we cannot reveal ourselves even when it is warm and safe, we’re suppressed.
Perhaps we were punished into it. Perhaps our nature is to be more avoidant than bold and confronting.
What I know to be true for me is that there’s a point where Who I Am and What Matters to Me is being suppressed, toned down, even shut off.
That feels horrible!
If we’re going to live a thriving life that includes all parts of us, we will acclimate… we will adapt… and we will actively seek out people and circumstances where what matters to us can find safe (even enthusiastic) reception! Woohoo! Outdoor voices!
Can you feel the difference between when you’re suppressing yourself and when you are wisely acclimating?
That’s the skill… the real skill… we will be focused on this Sunday. If this feels important to your thriving right now, we hope you’ll find a way to join us (or at least pretend you’re with us live as you engage the recording).
We look forward to engaging with you!
With smiles and love,
Rick & Cathy
Your Emotional Freedom Coaches
Schedule Private, Gliding Scale Coaching Sessions Here
P.S. If gratitude matters to you, remember Carol Look’s Project Gratitude starts soon. Learn more here.
P.P.S. Adira says, “Inside voices can be so different! Sometimes brother and I get to be loud, fierce, and powerful inside, too! I’m figuring it out…”
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Fun little video… truth and parody…
Thoughtful people suppress themselves.
I doubt I am the only empathetic, thoughtful person who suppresses themselves FIRST, and then re-acclimates LATER.
When someone in my we-space is distressed, and I guess it is at least partially related to me and what I am doing/being, my suppression circuits kick in.
Why? Because, I value “do no harm” and until I get clearer, it at least SEEMS I am contributing to distress, grumpiness, or… something.
Being sensitive is a gift. Using sensitivity with skill so we can still thrive requires real skill.
Because… if we don’t unwind and clarify when we suppress, we can lose our song (literally) and crush what makes us… us!
Cathy and I want to support each of us to Be What Matters… to get a chance to be eager, peaceful, potent, and even wisely fearless.
With smiles and love,
Rick & Cathy
Your Emotional Freedom Coaches
Schedule Private, Gliding Scale Coaching Sessions Here
P.S. If gratitude matters to you, remember Carol Look’s Project Gratitude starts in 8 days. Learn more here.
P.P.S. Adira says, “I like trying out things I will someday grow into. You?”
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She has got hurt? Theres’ scar under her eye! 
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She’s a bold one, so yeah, started getting scars already. Considering how bold she is, she’s remarkably unmarked! 
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Stop Suppressing Yourself… and Be What Matters
Session Recording
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Click for Computer Generated Transcript
Stop Suppressing Yourself…
[00:00:00] Stop suppressing yourself and be what matters.
[00:00:04] This is a real skills workshop, and I wanted to start off, before we introduce ourselves with just, , to help tune ourselves to what do we mean by suppression? And I asked an artificial intelligence chat. Ai, what is suppression? Emotional suppression. And it says, suppression refers to the act of deliberately pushing down or holding back one’s thoughts, feelings, or emotions.
[00:00:33] Overall suppression is a way of avoiding or managing difficult emotions, but it can also lead to negative consequences such as emotional repression, internal conflicts, and difficulty connecting with others. And today we’re going to be exploring this in. More depth. And also I’m excited because I know that every little step that I’ve taken in my life to be more, , free includes looking at the things that I’m suppressed around , and developing some savvy about how do I get those emotional needs, met?
[00:01:11] , without running rush shot over people I care about. And so I’m here. I’m Rick from Thriving. Now I’m here with Cathy Vartuli from Thriving Now and the Intimacy Dojo. Cathy. , how has Suppression played in your experience?
[00:01:28] It’s been a huge effect in my life. , I remember when I first became aware I wanted to change and connect with people more and live a better life.
[00:01:36] , I didn’t know what was really wrong. I felt like I was being very expressive and that I would go to a party and I would sit there and I felt like there were flashing lights saying, come talk to me. I wanna talk to people. And yet over time I became more conscious of it. And I would sit there kind of quietly with my head down and I wouldn’t talk to people.
[00:01:55] And I would notice that some of my friends were much more memorable. People would run up and say, Hey buddy. Like they were so excited to see them and they’re like, who are you? Did we meet before? And I wasn’t really sharing anything of myself and I just, I think I grew up with the feeling I was too much and that people didn’t really want to hear about me.
[00:02:14] I didn’t share anything. There was nothing to latch onto. , so it’s a protective mechanism in some ways. Like if I don’t share anything, you can’t judge me. But it’s also, if you’ve grown up in a family where people were tired or stressed, , kids can often feel like, they didn’t have the resources or the skills to see themselves.
[00:02:31] So they just told the kid to be quiet. Like people were raised for many generations. Kids should be seen but not hurt. Yeah. There should be this quiet little mice that did the bidding of their parents. And that’s not how I wanna live my life. And I also don’t wanna be one of those people that runs rough, shot over other people and doesn’t pay attention to other people.
[00:02:53] So I love the topic of this. , Rick and I are both people that want to kind of flow with other people as well. So how do you go, there’s one side that’s suppressed. The other side is you’re just like, wow. All over the place. What’s the happy medium? Where’s the place we can be?
[00:03:08] Where we’re feeling like I’m su I’m expressing myself. I feel good about myself and other people feel like they’re seen and respected as well. So I love this topic. Rick, thank you for choosings me. , we touched on some things. They’re we tend to attract into our community, people that want to thrive, but they’re thoughtful, they’re energetically sensitive, and many of us have things from our past that were punishing, even abusive.
[00:03:34] As you were talking about, like seen and not heard
[00:03:38] I had. I was suppressing secrets during a certain segment of my life. And so ins if that is true for someone, oftentimes when you’re suppressing a secret and or repressing memories or experiences that you had, it can carry over into other things that maybe get your attention right, like, oh, I wanna be more courageous.
[00:04:08] , but courageous. If you’re being courageous, it might feel like inside, oh then I might not suppress this thing that isn’t safe, doesn’t feel safe for me. So we want to acknowledge that. for many humans on the planet today, there are things about their past which are really hard maybe hard to talk about, maybe even harder to feel.
[00:04:35] , in our first session, we invited people to choose like, what is an emotional state that you know matters to you? And if you have that in mind, then one of the things I believe is that if you take something that you know matters to you and you take little tiny incremental steps, that your being knows that I don’t have to go from suppressed to totally unsuppressed , that I can take little adjustments along the way and still be a good person because I’ll say as someone who is parented, And was in a classroom and was in the workplace and has been apparent.
[00:05:27] There’s something inside that says, if you can’t suppress yourself, you’re not a good person.
[00:05:37] And yeah, like, okay. I believe that the superpower of being able to suppress ourselves is incredibly useful for protection, as Cathy said to. To not make assumptions about what’s safe or who’s safe or like, that suppression can make us appear like we’re more easygoing and agreeable. Cuz we’re suppressing our own needs in the face of someone else who may be all about what their needs are, but they aren’t really attuned to our needs at all.
[00:06:12] They may be overwhelmed and stressed and suppression as a, an energetic thing. I know that I still have superpowers of suppression, but the real skill is that I don’t suppress myself. And this is where we’re gonna be touching on today. How do we get to the place where we’re not suppressing ourselves, where it’s not.
[00:06:35] where it’s not necessary, where it doesn’t actually deepen a relationship when it doesn’t serve our thriving, it does it, it shuts off our natural ability to adapt and acclimate and seek out with curiosity. , yeah, I’m not gonna dance wild and crazy at the library. Or maybe at night after the kids go to bed, I still have that craving.
[00:07:02] How can I get that need met of eagerness for me for dance and movement and sound? Make sense? . Yeah. I love it. And we’ve got some great comments in the in the chat too, so. Great. I think if I like how you said you, you used acclimating versus suppressing for how we get, and we, we’ll get to that a little bit more, but suppressing means we’re just kind of tamping everything down.
[00:07:28] And so we’ll be talking about using acclimating to the given situation as an alternative and as a healthier flow. So we’ve had people asking about shame. Is suppression linked to shame? Absolutely. One, we are often shamed into being suppressed. That’s a great way to suppress somebody. You’re bad, you’re ruining Christmas.
[00:07:48] Like whatever. Just like pile it on. That person carries it. And then we’re also, we also can feel. when we, especially if there’s secrets or something that we really, our inner being wants to share and we don’t feel safe sharing it, that can lead to like, oh, maybe that, maybe there’s something wrong with me.
[00:08:08] Maybe there’s like, I, other people don’t want to hear this. Maybe there’s something I shouldn’t share. So there’s kind of a loop about it. Like by not sharing things with people we’re close to, it may feel like, oh, maybe there’s something that I should be ashamed about. And also, again, we are really often ashamed into like being quiet to suppressing ourselves.
[00:08:32] So, that’s raw enough I think for enough people, including myself, that happy we use an emotional technology called EF ft. Tapping. We’re not gonna be teaching it today. It’s out@thrivingnow.com slash tapping. We have a free course that you can really learn the essential qualities of tapping, but you can follow along repeat.
[00:08:51] You’ll notice that Cathy and I go back and forth as soon as we say something. You’re welcome to say it out loud. You’re muted. Only people in your environment. Maybe you say it inside your head cuz there are other people around. Up to you. And. What it’s designed to do is to connect with something that we feel as an emotional or physical physio emotional quality to it, and give it a bit of a direction.
[00:09:18] So if shame is our suppressor, what do we want to do with that? And I’m gonna, I’m curious and eager to find out, as Cathy leads this, if she will, where he would go with shame as a suppressant and maybe include that in the tapping. Would that sound good? Yeah, that sounds great. And we’ll probably do more of it as we go because it is so linked to suppression.
[00:09:42] So invite you to take a deep breath if that feels good for your body. And just let your attention, if you’ve been getting settled in or whatever, just let your attention come here and now be part of this container. Notice your butt in the chair. Notice how it’s supported your feet on the floor. Maybe wiggle your toes.
[00:10:01] The more present you are with your body, when you do the tapping, the quicker things clear, as far as I can tell. I think when people start doing it subc half-heartedly, it doesn’t clear as, as well, and as deeply. So I’m gonna invite you to just be as present here as you can. As you tap, notice the texture, the sensation of your fingers, tapping on yourself.
[00:10:22] We often tune out things we’ve done a lot of, and if we can make it more fresh and new, I think our body pays more attention. , karate chap, even though I have a lot of s, a lot of shame associated with suppression, even though I have a lot of shame associated with suppression, most parents don’t take parenting courses.
[00:10:44] Most parents don’t take parenting courses and they just repeat what they learned and they repeat what they learned. And their grandparents and great grandparents used shame a lot and their parents and great par grandparents used shame a lot. My parents didn’t know how to help me acclimate, even though my parents didn’t really know how to help me acclimate.
[00:11:06] And they just shut me down with shame and they shut me down with shame. Maybe I can learn to acclimate now. Ooh, maybe I can learn to acclimate now and release this unneeded shame and release this unneeded unnecessary shame, top of the head. I have a lot of shame in my body. I have a lot of shame in my body.
[00:11:31] Still eyebrow. I have a lot of shame in my brain. . I have a lot of shame in my brain. Side of the eye. All the shame in my energy system, all the shame in my energy system, under the eye. They taught me that I was too much. They taught me I was too much under the nose. They said I was inappropriate. They said I was inappropriate.
[00:11:56] Chin. They withheld their attention and love. They withheld their attention and love. They punished color. When they punished and yelled, they punished and yelled. Got angry under the arm. And I was just a little kid trying to figure out how to live in this world. And I was a little kid trying to figure out how to live in this world.
[00:12:18] No one really explained much. No one explained nearly enough. I rather they just snapped. They snapped sound of the eye. They judged. They judged. Ooh, heavy on judged . They assumed I should understand. They assumed that I should understand. Under the nose. They didn’t know. My little brain didn’t have concepts for this.
[00:12:40] My little brain did not have concepts for this. So maybe I can forgive myself for not knowing things I couldn’t know. Maybe I can forgive myself for not knowing things I couldn’t know. Hello. Maybe I can release some of this shame. Maybe I can release some of this shame under the arm and start embracing curiosity and start embracing curiosity of the hell head.
[00:13:08] How can I be expressed and still acclimate with other people? How can I be expressed and still acclimate with other people? Just take a breath. It’s coming up. You heard something to say, Rick? Oh yeah. It’s always surprising when . And when we touch on shame, often there’s just deep roots. And it’s part of how we were conditioned.
[00:13:36] I mean, humans are designed to be conditioned. We’re pretty broad. Like, the kids who live with the neighbors on either side, there’s nothing wrong with how their parents are navigating that I can tell. But it’s different. And so we’re, like our kids nav are acclimating and adapting to our world, our house, and every other kid.
[00:14:00] And then we add other countries and then we add like levels, socioeconomic levels and emotional stress levels and overwhelm and all these things, too much like, think about just feeling into your, the word that the energy, excuse me. , the emotion that you want to feel like Mine’s eager. Eager is important to me.
[00:14:24] It matters. And yet wow. Talk about something that’s too much. Like, immediately. What comes to mind is we were about to learn something in school. I don’t even know what it was, but I was like, in my desk with my book open, just, I couldn’t wait cuz I had already read ahead and I loved what we were gonna be doing and everyone was looking at me like, what is wrong with, you’re not cool to be excited about it?
[00:14:56] What is wrong with you? What is wrong with you? It was too much. It was too much under the eye. I was too much. I was too much all the ways. I was too much. All the ways. I was too much. Shame was so helpful to me. shame was so helpful to me. It really shut me down. It really shut me down. And that was easier.
[00:15:25] And that was easier. And that protected my tender bits. And that protected my
[00:15:32] because. Because this is important to me. Because this is important to me, and I needed to protect it, and I needed to protect it. Maybe I don’t need to protect myself quite the same way. Maybe I don’t need to protect myself quite the same way. I wonder if there’s some upgrades. Oops. I wonder if there’s some upgrades.
[00:15:51] I’m eager for the upgrades. I’m eager for the upgrade. I wonder how I could adapt. I wonder how I could adapt and really get to feel what I want to feel and really get to feel how I wanna feel under nose. Oh, But aren’t I supposed to suppress myself? But aren’t I supposed to suppress myself? They called it self-control.
[00:16:13] They called it self-control. They said I was a good one. They said I was a good one. . Oh, look how controlled they are. Look how controlled they are. Oh, they had no idea how much I was suppressing. He had no idea how much I was suppressing. Ah, but I do. But I do, and I honor respect where I was and how I felt.
[00:16:38] I honor, respect where I was and how I felt.
[00:16:47] Yeah. Look, I, that was good for me. I’m starting a new job tomorrow and I grew up with this mantra I should have known. I should know how I should know before I go in, how I should behave. And every new company has a different flow and a different culture, and I don’t know what the culture is. So I notice I’m a little nervous and I’m putting pressure on myself to, to know, to fit in right away versus I, I can’t know.
[00:17:12] I had some interviews, I’ve talked to a few people, but I can’t know what the day-to-day flow is or what they expect of people culturally until I get there. And I think that we were often, when we were brought up, our parents literally didn’t understand how our brains worked. That wasn’t something people talked about when most of us were kids.
[00:17:32] So our parents just assumed our brains were working the same as theirs. And just like, how could this person not know these things? When literally our brains were different, they were still evolving. So I think I grew up with this. I should know, I should be able to anticipate to guess. And because I’m pretty intuitive and I can sometimes intuit things, I put even more pressure on myself, and when I don’t immediately fit in, I ta I make it that I’m wrong or bad.
[00:17:58] And I kind of come down on myself pretty hard on that. So I think that’s, we, where we feel like we’re sup, we’re not even sure how we’re supposed to suppress ourselves yet, and we’re already trying to pre suppress ourselves. , I’ve talked about uncool emotions, and I think that’s, as we move into acclimating our I think it’s often useful to, to poke in a gentle way at like, what’s an emotion, like the one that matters to you.
[00:18:23] How okay. Was it for you to be, to feel that
[00:18:29] and where was it the most? Not okay. The most uncool. The most unwelcome. Yeah, that, you’re right. There are like, when I was at home with my parents, I was pretty suppressed When I was at school, I was suppressed in a different way. When I was out riding horses in the woods, I was less suppressed. I was still carried some of it.
[00:18:47] But that’s a great question. Like how, where, in what areas of your life are you most suppressed? Yeah. So an uncool emotion can be with peers like teenage years. That’s all often about like what is allowed and what isn’t. Right. But again, it, part of this be what matters is that if you have an emotion, again, like.
[00:19:11] Mine is eager. Do you have one that you wanna share? Courageous. Courageous. Anyone else? The chat is open if you’d like to share what you’re focused on so we can weave that in. Like if you’re around people that are very risk averse, being courageous can be one of those. No, you don’t. The tallest poppy gets their head cut off, right? One person said fearless strong. These are like, okay, so you’re with, you’re growing up. Where could you be strong and where couldn’t you, meaning that suppression externally would kick in?
[00:19:49] You just, or you just knew from being a zygote. Listen, mom can’t deal. She’s overwhelmed. I’m coming into an overwhelmed space, me having, like. Asking or craving for vi vibrancy like vibrancy. No, I can’t do that. Feeling for when it was acceptable on the spectrum, again, like this isn’t just if we’re in our primitive brain, it feels very white and black binary.
[00:20:17] When we’re in our consideration, it’s like, okay, and like someone said, strong strong-willed would not have been okay with my father. So like all of a sudden I can feel and this is the thing that can be hard to notice, but just being with it for 30 seconds, like, oh dear. If I imagine being courageous in that environment, what happens in my body, like my energy, like if I was a tank of water, you’d be like, wow, there’s a big leak, , big tank of water and it’s dropping fast.
[00:21:00] right? I, oh God, no, I can’t do that. I can’t be full of strength. And this is, you can just tap and feel. Tap the points. I can’t be, I can’t be that wouldn’t be safe. I’m not that stupid.
[00:21:20] I’m not gonna do that. I can drain my energy . I can bring my ener energy, drain my energy. I can drain my energy. I know how to suppress my vibrancy, suppress it all day long. , I can get flacid. I don’t have to be strong flacid. I don’t have to be strong. I can quiver a little. I can quiver a little. I can quiver a lot.
[00:21:45] I can quiver a lot. I can suppress myself. I can suppress myself. I’m not giving that up. I’m not giving that up. I’m not with them anymore. I’m not with them anymore. I’m not actually with them anymore. I’m not actually with them anymore. It might be okay for me to be a lot stronger. It might actually be okay for me to be a lot stuck.
[00:22:08] Especially in certain circumstances. Especially in certain circumstances. Ooh, and what if there aren’t any uncool emotions? What if there aren’t any uncool emotions? Just people that aren’t cool with certain emotions. , just certain people that aren’t cool with certain emotions. I think that’s true. I didn’t have to really suppress my intellect a lot, but if I was in, someone asked about anger, like anger was just not allowed.
[00:22:37] And so I was really good at suppressing that. We’ll talk a little bit about how you can open up some of these emotions as we go. Acclimating, would you like to, can we touch on that a little bit more? Yeah, it’s a good place cuz it gives, yeah, it’s a good place. So go ahead. Oh, okay. So we’re talking about suppression is kind of like the shame filled blanket shut everything down kind of a approach.
[00:22:59] Acclimating is realizing that we have emotions and we have choice. And as adults it’s a lot easier to have choice. And that it’s a way to adjust to different circumstances. Certain circumstances, if you’re a funeral laughing hysterically is probably not, even if you feel very delighted or entertained by something you are reading, tweet while you’re waiting for the funeral, probably not the place to really un, un.
[00:23:24] Open up everything for your laughter. So there are socially acceptable and kind ways we can deal with things. But I think when we’re kids, most of us learn suppression as children and we didn’t have a lot of choice. We couldn’t say, like, if mom was snapping at us from being boisterous, we couldn’t say I’m gonna take the car keys and go to the park.
[00:23:41] We were stuck in that environment with this person who was like snapping and I don’t know about you, but if my mom snapped at me once for something, I didn’t take it to mean, oh, she had a headache that day. I took it to mean anytime I feel that I should keep it quiet. So I’ve made a lot of u very universal laws and lots of shame and like I should have known because she snapped at me versus a more.
[00:24:06] Maybe if they had parenting classes or a little more resourced, they’d be like, mom’s got a really bad headache today, so we’re gonna have to be real quiet. If you wanna go play in the back room, you can, but you have to be still pretty quiet. And then I could’ve known, oh, this is a one time thing. There wasn’t a communication.
[00:24:22] And I think communication is so important when we’re trying to acclimate. I’m a big fan of saying what exactly, like, if someone says, be quiet, like maybe I just go and give them some space for a little while, but I wanna later on go. What did that mean to you? That wasn’t, a get that you were stressed and I didn’t want to go into it in the moment, but I need to know what that meant to you.
[00:24:42] Like, was it me near, I shouldn’t play any music? Did it mean no tv? Like we’re sharing, if we’re sharing a home or space, I need to have a better idea of how to adjust to your needs. And we don’t have to do it in the moment. If someone’s really mad or lost their temper, we can give them a little time. So that very When I feel into just knowing the difference and feeling the difference between acclimating and suppressing
[00:25:12] suppression seems for me to come from a more primal place. It’s about protection and safety and and values. So, for example, if I walk into a place like a funeral, and my whole sense of it is that neither laughter nor tears are welcome here. I want, and I’m guessing that my, because I value, respect, re safety, respect, and freedom.
[00:25:42] So if for the family and those that are the primary people there at the, at this. I’m not even gonna call it a celebration of life cuz it, that doesn’t feel like that for me, but it’s a funeral. There’s a circuit because I value safety and respect that would really do a good job turning off the parts of me that might find something celebratory or really deeply moving.
[00:26:10] I would go and it would feel like my primitive brain is supporting me in what I value. Now, if I was in my primitive brain entirely, it would look like, I would feel so ashamed. If I break into tears here, I ref refuse. I I will not cry. I will not cry. I will not cry. I will just, I can’t, I couldn’t even imagine because I’m using then shame to shut myself down, not what matters to me to help control my energy.
[00:26:41] Those, to me, are profoundly different. I’m going in acclimating to what is true here. And by the way, at my funeral, laughter and tears are welcome. So tell funny stories, at least the one that I would hope that would arise from the people that are dear to me and acclimating, like Cathy said, it’s a, it feels like you’re making something that could be a conscious choice.
[00:27:08] It could click in really quickly, your auto automatic system say I value this. And so I am changing my energy boom to acclimate to what’s here right now. partner’s overwhelmed. Boom. I am quieting my system. That’s part of co-regulation. I’m going to a place where, okay. Yep. That was an overwhelm sound or then that was a be quiet.
[00:27:33] As Cathy said if somebody says, be quiet to me, I want to be able to acclimate. Now, it may strike me, it may strike my primitive brain, but I believe that what I’ve done in this emotional work and why we’re teaching this is that those same circuits, which can be shamed into shutting us down can also be like, boom, this matters to me.
[00:27:57] I’m sharing a we space and somebody I care about said Be quiet and I can quiet myself for a moment and then feel what’s true for me. As Cathy said, oh, feels true. To give them some space. Acclimation though, does include to me the, not always Yeah, the choice. So if I always have to be quiet around someone, , I could do that if I really understood and respected, let’s say that they’re auditorily sensitive and that anything above a certain vibrancy w would be triggering to them in a really profound way.
[00:28:34] I don’t think I could live with them . That would be hard. Cuz I’m, I’ve got a certain amount of boisterousness to me. But the way that the black and white, like you never, you should, you have to those are signals that there’s suppression present, whereas acclimating would be like, oh, there’s mutual.
[00:28:57] There’s a sense of negotiation possible. Maybe not right now, cuz there’s dysregulation present, but later when we’re calmer and things are different, I feel like I could ask for clarification or look for ways that I can be in my whatever. That’s, go ahead. Yeah. But I also wanna emphasize, if someone’s very dysregulated, I’m not usually gonna talk to them about it.
[00:29:21] But I think everyone on this call is more likely to suppress themselves than to kind of push themselves forward. So I wanna emphasize if you’re in a shared space, , it could be, Hey, you don’t, you want quiet, you go in the car and drive to the park. I’m gonna stay here. I have my music going. I’m cleaning the house.
[00:29:39] Like, we don’t always have to at when we’re acclimating. It doesn’t always mean when we have to give in to that other person’s needs. And I imagine, I tend to be the one that jumps in and tries to fix everything. And I imagine most people here are gonna try to like, take care of the other person versus like, if it’s a shared space, I get 50% of the space too.
[00:30:01] And like, maybe you need to notice your, like, what can we do to notice your mood is gonna need something and you can take care of, maybe you can go in the bedroom and put some headphones on and you don’t have to hear it. That’s that what I meant by that negotiation where you, there’s mutual respect and you’re looking for ways to meet each other’s needs.
[00:30:22] And that’s exciting to me. If we get there, we won’t, I won’t go there unless I’m aware that I am suppressing myself. Because like you said, we can get to a place where our nature as a thoughtful, kind person can be that we just keep suppressing. And that’s why when we take even one emotion that we feel like, this one matters to me and I want more of it in my life.
[00:30:50] And ah, okay. Yeah. Immediately when I think about being more this, in this context, like in my living room, I feel the energy of suppression kicking in. Okay. That’s where my work is. And oh good. And that’s part of the emotional skill building that we’re doing here. Yeah. Can we tap? Let’s, yeah, go ahead.
[00:31:14] I’ll add what I was gonna say. Laughter. Yeah. Even though it’s complicated, even though it is complicated and suppression seems so easy by comparison, compression seems so easy by comparison. I’ll just walk on eggshells. I’ll just walk in eggshells. I just won’t speak up. I just won’t speak up. I won’t try to clean it up later.
[00:31:36] I won’t try to clean it up later. Surprisingly good at that stuff. I’m surprisingly good at that stuff. Certain things matter to me. Certain things matter to me. They matter to me. They matter to me, and I’m not gonna give up acclimating. I’m not gonna give up acclim. And these matter to me, and these matter to me.
[00:31:57] This emotion matters to me. This emotion matters to me. This experience of myself matters to me. This experience of myself matters to me, and it’s not compatible with everyone, and it’s not compatible with everyone. Hold on. And it’s probably not compatible with anyone all the time. . It’s probably not compatible with anyone all the time.
[00:32:17] What? What if that’s okay? What if that’s okay? I can still find a way to experience myself. I can still find a way to experience myself as bold or peaceful. Bold or peaceful. Fearless or courageous. What was the first one? Fearless or courageous. Fearless or courageous. Eyebrow. Vibrant and eager. Vibrant and eager.
[00:32:44] Side of the eye. The whole spectrum. The whole spectrum, yeah. Including the uncool ones. . Including the uncool ones. Who decided what’s cool and what’s uncool? Who decided what’s cool and uncool? I want a savvy way of being with my emotions. I want a savvy way of being with my emotions. And even creating the climate.
[00:33:09] And even creating the climate. Oh
[00:33:16] yeah. We can be climatologists, right? We can look for, okay. There’s a lot in my climate, which is not really compatible, but you know, there are these parts here where I could have more this, I could have more of that. I could have more. Just to give you an example when not, it’s not very often that everyone leaves the house.
[00:33:36] And so during those times I’ve tended to want to experience peacefulness, but you know, I’m working on eagerness. And today when everyone was off having a great time and I said how, what am I eager for? Go get my iPad and sing that song, . And I went upstairs and I got the iPad and I put the song on and I started playing along.
[00:34:01] And I didn’t have to navigate anyone else cuz the climate for that period of time included my freedom to feel something that mattered to me. And yeah, so acclimating introducing, inviting the notion of it as a skill. Like, ooh, I’ve. Suppression is sort of a blunt instrument.
[00:34:22] It’s like, oh, I’m gonna suppress myself. Oh, I’m gonna suppress myself. Oh, I’m gonna suppress myself. How can I acclimate a little bit? And I know that when you were navigating getting together with people, you would look for small steps. You were talking about how being shy and no. Do you remember what, like a small acclimation that you.
[00:34:40] In groups, like an early one that helped you feel more courageous? Oh yeah. I would, one of, one of my rules, I had several rules that I follow, but one of them was I had to speak to three other people. It could be just for a minute, but I had to, instead of sitting there quietly, I had to go up and I tried to make it, especially as I got more savvy at this, I would find three other shy people that weren’t really speaking to other people, and I had to say something to them.
[00:35:07] It could be, no, it could be kind of uncool or lame or like, are you having fun or whatever. But I had to go up and talk to people and try to draw them out. And then as I got better at it, I started sharing. Like, I don’t, I always feel awkward at these when I don’t know people. Like I don’t know what to say.
[00:35:22] And that was a. When I started sharing my authentic, that was a great conversation starter. Oh, me too. Like, that was almost always the case. And I, there were things that I did that were I would always, I was so uncool and so magical. Yeah, it was magical , but I would also offer to help with the setting up because of that helped me feel more grounded.
[00:35:44] But there were ways I learned to kind of, I was so shy. Like I literally would go to parties and not, I would like the minute I could, I’d book out there without having spoken to anyone. And it was a big process for me to get more outgoing with that. And so I Please understand, we understand it’s very hard to uncompress yourself if you’ve been suppressed baby steps.
[00:36:03] They may not seem like often it feels like you’re not getting anywhere, but the exponential curve that happens if you just keep taking those baby steps. Like someone asked about anger. If you’ve really been shut down or on anger. And that’s something I still struggle with. There’s, I don’t even feel it sometimes.
[00:36:18] Like it’s not, I’m not sup, I’m not on the conscious level of suppressing expressing it. I don’t even like, I’m like, someone will say some close friend, like, aren’t you angry about that? And I’m like, no. Should I be? So it’s still something I’m working on, but when we can notice. just speaking up a little bit to safe people.
[00:36:36] We’re gonna talk a little bit later about situations and who, what, where, when you wanna do this. But if you can have safe places where, you know, like, I kind of resent the way you said that to me, or I notice I’m feeling kind of angry at that choice and I don’t feel like you asked me or whatever, like just baby steps.
[00:36:54] We don’t have to be yelling and screaming and breaking pots. I know there’s a lot of people out there that recommend beating a pillow. If you’re at that stage, great. Beat a pillow, get a punching bag. Some throwing ice against a fence and watching it smash can be really fun. But. . Those are for people that are like, they’re out further usually than a lot of people here might be who are just even saying that you’re the little bit littlest, bit unhappy with something someone did is a huge thing saying, I don’t really like that.
[00:37:23] I don’t really want, that is huge. And I, like their baby steps we can take and we’ll do some more work on that as we get into the who, what, where, when, why, how to know when you’re safe to do that. Because it’s really challenging. Sometimes I didn’t cry for nine years because I’ve learned it was unsafe and it was really hard to learn to cry again.
[00:37:42] But our, they’re all there stored, those emotions are stored in our bodies and as we can kind of gently help our system see it safe little practices using the muscles that feel really weak and just like, even though it feels almost impossible, I’m gonna say I don’t want to do that, or I don’t like that.
[00:38:01] even if it’s just in a very mild tone or going back again often. I can’t catch it in the moment, but I’ll go back and say, last week when you said you wanted Thai food, I felt pushed about that. I didn’t feel like I had an option because of the tone you used and I’d really like it if I had options in this.
[00:38:19] And I, Thai food’s great, but I wanted to feel like my choice mattered too. So I’m letting, so like we can go back, we can, it doesn’t have to be in the moment because a lot of times it’s hard to catch it. Especially when we were first building those muscles. It was one in the chat, said I had a family member stay with me and it was so hard.
[00:38:37] I found that I was suppressing myself a lot, waiting for it to be over. And I asked, what emotion are you wanting more in your world right now? Kind of our step one and ease. So how would I acclimate? if I’m wanting more ease and kind of am in a stuck place, like to me, and I’m not speaking for the person.
[00:39:01] If I’m in a place where I feel like I’m just waiting for it to be over, there’s a quality of feeling trapped and stuck, right? Like that’s, I’m definitely in my primitive brain if I feel that kind of stuck, trapped. And if I’m wanting more ease, it’s like, okay, I feel stuck. I’m really wanting more ease.
[00:39:22] I’m wanting more ease. That ease really matters to me. I wonder, is there something right now that would feel like it would give me, gift me the feeling of ease? Oh,
[00:39:40] now I went to just the, like applying a little pressure. To the area around the collarbone points just now. That’s also comfort, it’s kindness, it’s compassion, but I found it through the doorway of ease.
[00:40:03] Anger is a signal. It’s a signal that can include a lot of different things. Honestly, I would say across the human spectrum, anger is our least artful emotion, especially from people that we are people attracted to. Rick and I. Sure. And if you crank up the anger with somebody, you’re inviting, a, you’re if you’re expressing anger at someone, just to be clear.
[00:40:31] I know in my primitive brain that’s inviting a fight response in return. Okay. Anger at someone is a threat that the primitive brain picks up one. There is. Very few contexts and certain select people that can hear I’m angry with you and not actually have their primitive brain go, oh. I think we can teach people to do that as well.
[00:40:58] And I just wanna Because that was from the chat you were talking about, the person that was waiting, wanting more, couldn’t wait for the people to leave. I’m wondering, I often go into pretend like I’m presenting myself in a certain way. I want them to see me a certain way, and that causes a lot of stress in my body.
[00:41:14] And so when I felt safe with the people, I’ve gone up to them and said, Hey, I noticed I’m feeling a little bit uncomfortable. I think I’m putting a lot of pressure on myself to look like I’m cool or I have it together, or whatever that is. So I just wanna out myself to you. But, I’m kind of sometimes a slob and I don’t always pick up my dishes at night.
[00:41:35] And I didn’t wanna take a shower this morning, but I felt like I had to and it was stressing me out. I’m just kind of outing myself. It’s not necessarily about you at all because. Saying that sometimes can take the stress, like I’m a big fan of, with people that you can build a, you wanna build a relationship with that you feel pretty safe with.
[00:41:54] There’s a, like, what would you do if they weren’t there? That’s not, that’s making you feel more stressed because if you, what is that? And then saying, Hey, you know what I’m feeling really like I’m pretending to be someone I’m not. The person that I really am would be, have curling up on with Netflix and eating a bowl of ice cream tonight.
[00:42:13] As opposed to like saying, yeah, let’s go for a hike or let’s, play cards or whatever. I just wanted gel for a while or whatever. So that’s, I think that’s just a really important, often when we’re not at ease, we’re pretending for other people and it’s human, but we can call ourselves out and notice, huh, what would I be doing if this person wasn’t here?
[00:42:33] That I could feel more relaxed? And then if that person’s safe enough saying that, to them. Absolutely. And just go, and just going back to the anger part, we can train people. I’ve been doing a lot of radical honesty. I like some of radical honesty. I don’t like all of it. But one of the things that I really like is training people that I’m processing my own emotions.
[00:42:54] And it’s not necessarily about you. So I can say, I notice I’m feeling anger in my chest and I’m making up a story about the way you said that you think this, could you confirm or deny, or, I just wanna tell you, I’m feeling angry right now and I’m not even sure why. If we start out gently and train people what to expect from us.
[00:43:15] There’s less of that attack. Like many of us were like, anger is really scary. And I had a lot of trouble when I first started doing radical honesty. Like one of the people in the group I was in was yelling at me and I was like, oh my God. And then I realized that, they had said, no physical violence, it’s gonna be okay.
[00:43:32] And I was like, okay. Like it. It was once I felt it and realized I could survive it, it was a really big aha for me. So just even pre sharing with some ahead of time, Hey, I’m really trying to be more authentic with my emotions, so I’d like to be able to share when I feel resentful or angry with you. Would you be okay with that?
[00:43:53] Is there a way I can check in that we can make sure you’re in a good space? Because I want to be closer to you and if I’m hiding or pretending that gets in the way of me being really close to you. . So you can kind of preface it and help people understand it, and also train them that you’re doing This doesn’t necessarily mean they did something wrong.
[00:44:13] It could be you’re making up a story about it, or you’ve had a bad day, or your parents did that when this, they weren’t gonna leave for a while or whatever. There’s a lot of things that are going on in there, but we can build up connections with people so that we can express anger in a healthy way.
[00:44:30] And I’d like to,
[00:44:36] it feels useful to my nervous system to remind myself right now that this emotion that I know matters to me that I want more of in my life doesn’t actually require someone else’s permission or collaboration in order for me to have more of it in my life. Because there are ways to experience every single emotional state in the absence of another human being.
[00:45:11] And so if, like, Cathy, I know that you’ve spent thousands of hours on how to communicate in a non-violent, non-threatening way to build up a level of savvy, which is, I want and have learned so much from you around languaging and you’ve introduced me to people that have really made a difference in my life, like staying on my side of the fence, for example.
[00:45:39] And the starting place of that to me is if anger is something I don’t actually have a lot of savvy with, but I’m wanting more of something like fearlessness. What does that look like? I’m feeling angry. Maybe I have a story or a clue or a direct hurt that somebody else is involved in, but how could I be wisely fearless here for myself?
[00:46:08] It would take like, and if fearlessness is something that is your thing, you think, look, I’m angry. And what would be fearless? That doesn’t involve actually like trying to engage that energy with someone else. If we start with the internal empowered, what is it? What, okay. Fearless for me is like, oh, I’m really clear.
[00:46:34] I am angry. , my, that could be like, oh yeah, that, that takes a lot of fearlessness as to be, oh yeah. Just being with the emotion in your body is huge. Yeah. Tell other people it can be taking excusing yourself. Like that can be one of the most fearless acts for someone is like, I am so angry, but instead of like feeling helpless and suppressing myself and turning it back on me, I’m gonna excuse myself and say, put it back on ourselves.
[00:47:05] Right. So what does that look like? What’s a fearless act? That’s a baby step. So this is my theory this sequence that of know what matters to you and then use that as a focused doorway for the situations and other things that come up in your life. I love the idea of sharing, if you’re feeling angry, if you can share in the center, share with people from this group.
[00:47:31] Not that you’re, you don’t have to share with the person at first that you’re angry with that, that Exactly. I do think that if you’re not, if you’re angry with someone who’s very important to your life and you’re not sharing with them or building up to doing that, you’re probably limiting the relationship.
[00:47:47] Yeah. But you can build, it doesn’t have to, it took me years to get to the point where I could tell someone to their face, I really resent the tone you’re using. I imagine it means you think you’re better than me or whatever that, whatever that is. And I don’t do it with everyone. I do it with some people that I’ve built up that relat and definitely is deepened the relationship, what I’ve done.
[00:48:05] I happen to believe that when people are regulated, there’s a lot more opportunity for that to go. Right. In a healing, deepening direction. Yeah. And that’s part of it for me is like, oh, I’m eager for relief from this anger right now. How could I do that in a way that is, is beneficial to my body?
[00:48:25] Ooh, I’m, if curiosity, they’re people that want to be, feel more curious, like, Ooh, I’m curious. I put this intense fire. What do I do with it? And part I love watching the treadmills. Part of acclimating is again, having these, this menu of choices and having this build out like of, oh, my curiosity has led me to choices that I didn’t realize I even had.
[00:48:48] I’m asking people Cathy, we’re at a place where a. Yeah, we’re gonna take a seven minute break here, and if you’re watching the recording Yeah. We’re gonna talk about more skills and do some tapping on how to un yourself some more. Yeah. All right. You’re on watching the recording. We invite you to take a break too.
[00:49:09] Welcome back. We so appreciate your presence and your emotional engagement. This is work. Even acknowledging the way that we suppress ourselves and then noticing how other people might be suppressing themselves. Changes the climate, changes the emotional world. When I understood this more deeply, it changed the way I parented, it changed the way I friend people.
[00:49:33] There’s a vibe to suppression in our inside of ourselves. There’s a look that comes across someone’s face when shame hits. And maybe it’s a little easier when someone’s self shames, and they do something that is
[00:49:47] I saw this at work. When I work for someone I had a couple of people on the team that if they made a mistake, what you would notice is that they would suppress. , even a li totally legit explanation for it. Rather than defend themselves or even explain themselves, they would shut down and they would work twice as hard to the point where, you know, one of 'em even left the company because they burnt themselves out.
[00:50:17] I even with your own company, you can do that to yourself too. Someone mentioned an unkind thing that a doctor said about being dysregulated. When I’ve worked with people in the medical profession, and they, we go back in time to where their humanity seemed to be suppressed by humanity, I mean natural emotions that we would feel in the presence of death, in the presence of somebody who’s suffering.
[00:50:44] Empathy, compassion, understanding, kindness respect for someone’s profound choices about how they wanna live their life. . Those things are part of, if you look at the curriculum that medical professionals go through, it is part of the curriculum to put them in altered states where those get crushed out of them, suppressed in, to death.
[00:51:09] 48 hour shifts and person after person, 80 hour shifts moving on, move on. No, no time to process, no time to grieve. And so like, if you feel a deep feeling for someone it takes a little while for your system to. Process is not poetic enough. Like if I feel profound connection to somebody who is suffering I might feel that and re and remember it and pray about it.
[00:51:37] And like there’s a natural way that each of us, it’s not all the same will be with certain emotional states and suppression can come about like, no I didn’t get to feel
[00:51:51] we are going into, how do you stop suppressing yourself? And one of the awarenesses is, for example, again, I’m using my own if I am eager. But my eagerness exceeds someone else’s so that they feel like I am over eager. There’s a repulsion energy that I feel. So if I’m like, yay, let’s go to the park.
[00:52:15] And there’s like, nah, I don’t want to go to the park or what, why go to the parks? What’s so good about the park? Like I will suppress my natural eagerness to avoid that drop. . Okay. And understanding for yourself intimately. when I allow myself to feel this feeling someone talked about vitality, like, oh, I boost my vitality.
[00:52:48] But then I go out and I walk and I feel pain, and I have a susceptibility that when I go do something and that I really enjoy doing, but then there’s like physical pain afterwards. Oh, I beat the sh I beat the shit outta myself. I don’t wanna beat the shit outta myself anymore, so I’m gonna just keep my vitality down.
[00:53:09] You’re suppressing it to avoid it. And so, part of what we can do together in circle is to say, oh, when I feel this, I’m actually susceptible to losing it or having it shut down or being criticized, including by myself, including by my inner mother. I hear their voice saying whatever.
[00:53:32] These are things that are part of this six week process or seven session process. So that we get to a place where we can be resilient with it. And part of that is like, how do you stop, Cathy, what do you, we’ve talked about tapping on the feelings. What are some other things that help?
[00:53:50] Someone helpless that I didn’t think just starting with a lot of people are someone shared in the chat and I think it’s true. They don’t want to dive into whether it’s shame or anger or grief, cuz it feels like a bottomless pit. And if I do this all the time. Humans do this. We think everything will be as hard today, hard forever as it is today.
[00:54:11] And that’s not the case. So like if we’ve never worked out, going to the gym and lifting a small weight may feel impossible. And each time we lift it, our brain is going, this is so hard, it’s not gonna be worth it. It’s never gonna get easier. And then the next week we’re lifting a little bit heavier weight and we’re like, oh, it’s always gonna be this hard.
[00:54:28] It’s gonna be this is not worth it. I’m never gonna get where I want to go. But we’re making progress. And just if we can remind ourselves that this is just a story our brain says because it’s scared, and then we actually can get better at processing these emotions as we unsuppressed ourselves.
[00:54:46] We can get better at expressing our joys and our angers and our grief and our, like, all the emotions get, like as we start on stopping this as we just process this little bit, it may seem like it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done just to take a baby step. But as you take that step, there’s a little bit of like, oh wait, the world didn’t fall apart.
[00:55:10] And that’s why one of the things we encourage you to do is when you’re doing this, is start with someone that places people situations where it’s safe to do this. Whether it’s with a coach, Rick or Rick and I both love working with people there, a group call putting it in the center, finding someone.
[00:55:28] I used to find I, for many years, I was tapping with people that I met through Rick’s group. We’d get, we had our Friday night dates. We were all single at the time. There were five of us. And we’d get together every Friday night for two hours and take turns very awkwardly leading each other through tapping
[00:55:43] So that, that was a lot of fun. But we finding people where you can baby step suppress or unsuppressed and like saying, wow, I’m really mad at someone and I need to prac. We’re not talking gossip. Venting is one thing, but like Rick, I’m really mad at this person cuz they, when they said, this is what I think they mean, I need to tell you about it and practice how I’m gonna talk to them and maybe do some tapping on it.
[00:56:08] So like, as we get better, it really is exponential. It’s like the furnaces in our, if we’re burning up anger at first, we’re just putting on little toothpicks and we’re like, oh, the fire might go out or no. And then, after over time we’re throwing on bigger logs and then whole trees and then we can clear it.
[00:56:25] So I think that if we can remember, one of the biggest things I would encourage you to remember is we always think it’s gonna be this hard forever. And it isn’t. When we first drove it was probably scary. You’re mad if you can remember like, oh my God, I gotta watch everything. And now half the time we’re zoned out, like our subconscious is doing all the watching for us.
[00:56:45] We may be driving very safely, but we’re not consciously telling our brain to look at all those things. It just happens. So I think that’s a really big part of this is knowing I can take this in baby steps and even though it feels like it’s not worth it, it is worth it. And I can start with people p places and situations.
[00:57:05] Like I don’t have to talk when my spouse is blowing up and completely dysregulated or my friend is losing it. That’s not the time to do it. But I can go back a week later and say, Hey, can we talk about that time? Or an angry boss that never calms down is not the person to practice with necessarily.
[00:57:23] So, or and just to be clear, the. because suppression is so expensive. , we often will go I have just I need to be more fearless with this person who’s actually on the spectrum. The least safe person in my life to be fearless with. Yes. And how, what do we do with that? One of the things we do with tapping is we use the analytical part of our brain for intuitive people.
[00:57:52] It may not make it doesn’t feel like it’s using that, but just asking the question like, okay where might it be safe for me to feel fearless or eager? Or peaceful? Right. Like, and. Imagine a place that’s in your world, like you can get to it, right? And where is it? So if you write that down
[00:58:36] and zero to 10, how safe does it feel to be that emotion that matters to you in that place? And if you’re thinking like my home, you might even tune it a little bit more. Your bedroom or your bedroom, your workshop, your living room, your kitchen. Now it can be helpful to go like, okay, where would it really be unwise? For me to be that, at least right now. Maybe later it might be okay. Yeah. And there are definitely people, I think that there are places, there’re places, like, to be eager like walking into the police station does not feel like for me, the place of the irs, right?
[00:59:26] Like, Hey guys, I can’t wait to be here . Like, so the trail was surprisingly like a six because like a part of me is like, oh, if I’m eager on the trail maybe I’m gonna be moving at a pace that’s a little fast for me. Still I can be eager at a six. I and we’re playing around with it. So, You can, if you build out a map for yourself, for example it is okay for me to be eager at my computer doing my work.
[01:00:07] What is that actually look like? It means that I’m kind of leaning into what is here. Oh, there’s an email from someone, right? And I lean into it. That’s as subtle. So I, you get an idea of what it would look like to be. Sometimes you may jump to something like, my brain goes if you’re at your computer and you’re eager, there’ll be nothing.
[01:00:35] You’ll just jump into everything and there won’t be any, like there’s sort of this, and I’m like, that’s actually not the experience I want. That’s not what matters to me. Find it more like, more mindfully, eager, eager to me is not a nine year old boy’s eager, except for which goes to the, like, we ha we talked about where, and we talked about, what it would look like and who, like I know that my nine year old is naturally in the spectrum of things.
[01:01:09] His eagerness is far more vast than anything I could imagine, like, and so. . It’s also why I’ve suppressed some, because like his, if you give him a little bit of eagerness, he responds with the amplified version of it. But you know, there are places like, oh, we’re at the playground . He can be as eager as you are.
[01:01:36] Okay. And you know what, this playground is amazing. It’s got this climbing wall thing and even Aira can do it. So like, can I be eager with Emerald at the East Asheville Library playground? I can be, I can an, I can ramp it up a another level. Okay. How about in the car when I’m driving in traffic?
[01:02:02] Eagerness looks like an eagerness for presence and awareness and resilience to whatever else is going on so that I can be with the responsible task of driving people I love or driving around other humans. And this is, as you build out this ecosystem of what it means for you to have this experience, you’ll feel far less suppressed if there are some people that are focusing on anger.
[01:02:30] And to me if anger is what you want to experience, like, okay, where in my home in my world do I imagine feeling angry? And what would that look like? And who is ish, who is not? Right. One of the things I found really helpful is I learned, I’ve, I had a coach that I’m working with help me on, I got, he, we actually turned the camera around so he could watch me on the treadmill and I would get on and I would steam my anger while I walked.
[01:03:02] I would walk and feel my anger. I couldn’t do it at first myself, but I did it like three or four times with him, like at, 5, 3, 5 minute sec section during the session. And then I could get on the treadmill and steam. So like, you may not be able to do it immediately by yourself, but if you get a little support, you can condition your body.
[01:03:20] So like, if I’m feeling angry, that’s actually a good place for me. I can get on the treadmill and walk and just like be present with myself and like let, I imagine like, This anger is steaming off of me. So realize even if something feels uncomfortable now, but if you logically know it’s safe, getting some support to help you anchor that so that you can actually take those baby steps could be really good.
[01:03:44] Almost like PT for anger, physical therapy. . So, and one of the things I love Rick’s idea of writing it down, writing down places and noticing how safe do I feel to express, like, I think it might even be good to how logically safe do I think it is and how to emotionally safe do I think it is? Because if they’re very different in numbers, you might, that might be a really good clue in something going on. Like intellectually this seems quite safe, but emotionally I’m feeling like it’s not safe. And remember that a lot of our patterns were formed before when we were three or younger. If they don’t make sense, if they’re illogical, those are often when we have a lot of energy stuck because they happen when we were little and we can’t think our way out of them.
[01:04:31] So doing a little tapping either on one of these calls or on the sent, on one of Rick’s group calls or for yourself, like if you can untwist whatever’s, maybe you know, They don’t have to be logical. Maybe mom yelled at you when you were playing the flute, so every time and, but you happen to be on this particular bench and every time you sit on a bench, you feel unsafe, whatever.
[01:04:54] It’s often not logical. So if you can compare the, like how logically, intellectually safe do I feel versus how emotionally safe do I feel? And if there’s a big difference in those, maybe I that’s a, that, you know, there’s something going on subconsciously there. Yeah. Ah, and this is where we tap, right?
[01:05:15] Like suppressing yourself. If we’re gonna stop suppressing ourselves, this is, as Cathy noted, there’s a, a part of me knows that I could be more this, in this circumstance it would look like this. And. Maybe there’s a person there, maybe there aren’t. Maybe there’s a group that I trust and maybe there isn’t.
[01:05:38] But there’s a gap suppress. If we’re suppressing ourselves, there is a gap and that’s what we want to bring up. I am not trying to make it so that people are oblivious. Like that’s not my attention. Emotional freedom, I think includes a deep awareness that, there are people that can’t handle X, Y, and Z and I’m aware of it, but that doesn’t stop me from finding ways and places where I can feel even more of myself.
[01:06:08] Okay. Side of the hand,
[01:06:14] even though there’s here too. I’m not sure we’ll have time, but thank you. We always appreciate volunteers. Yeah. Even though there’s a gap, even though there’s a gap, I’m guessing I’m suppressing myself. I’m guessing I’m suppressing myself because it feels like I could be more Right. There feels like it could be more right there.
[01:06:40] Oh. But a part of me is not convinced. A part of me is not convinced. Fuck that. Part of me is not convinced. Part of me is not convinced. Eyebrow. It feels a little scary, feels really scary. Side of the eye. It feels really scary. It feels really scary under the eye. What would be a little scary? What would feel a little scary?
[01:07:02] What’s appropriately fearless? What’s appropriately fearless? Jen? What would be nourishing to me anyway? What would be nourishing to me anyway, . Can I let myself turn up the volume just a bit? Can I let myself turn up the volume just a little bit under the arm? I’m open to a place and a time when I can have more of this experience.
[01:07:28] I’m open to a place and a time where I can have more of this experience. It matters to me. It matters to me eyebrow. It matters to me to feel that. It matters to me, to feel that it’s a part of who I am. It’s a part of who I am. Yeah. It’s not all of who I am. It’s not all of who I am. Oh, who knows? And I want more of that experience and I want more of that experience.
[01:07:51] Chin. I really want more of that experience. I really want more of that experience. Hold on. I want more. And say what it’s true for you. I want more courage. I want more eagerness under the arm. And I bet there are ways to craft this. I bet there are ways to craft this that I haven’t even considered, that I haven’t even considered.
[01:08:17] I love, one of the things I’ve loved about this journey for myself is as I’ve released, I’ve found suppressed parts of myself and reclaim them. One, I feel healthier and better. I have more energy. Cuz suppressing yourself takes a lot of energy. It’s an old beach, fall underwater kind of thing. It’s emotionally and energetically taxing on the body.
[01:08:38] And I also just feel more alive. So the more parts of me that were suppressed, I was kinda like, life is kind of dull and I’m just going through the motions and oh, I guess this is all there is to, huh? Wow. I like just sitting on the bench, watching the birds eat breakfast. Like I’m very happy here.
[01:08:56] Reclaiming those parts of you, you suppressed and realize it’s a helix. Often there’s levels that are suppressed into the subconscious. We may not even realize there’s parts of us suppressed there, but as we lighten the load in the conscious area and we build the muscles to expressing ourselves, those others, those subconscious things float to the surface.
[01:09:15] And then we start finding them. And then we just, we, there’s room for the awareness of them. There’s energy to deal with it. And we start getting so good at it that our system’s like, yeah, that used to be impossible, but now I bet we can do it. So realize that the changes you make, every little baby step you take every time.
[01:09:33] You do a little bit of like, oh, I don’t know if I can say anything, but I’m gonna risk it. And like it, it makes a difference in your world. It makes your. More alive and more juicy and passionate, and people start noticing who you are. They’re like, oh, there’s something there to, to connect with.
[01:09:52] And I really love that. Like, the kind of people I’ve met and engaged with are the kind of people I wanted in my life. And I wasn’t finding them before that. I, they just couldn’t see me cuz I was so . Like, they’re piles of concrete on top and they couldn’t, there’s a, I don’t know if anyone’s there. So I really, I love the fact that each of you here are doing this work.
[01:10:12] You’re changing your world in a really powerful way. And even if you don’t see it right now, every tiny little step you make right now, , even if it doesn’t seem to make a difference, it’s building those muscles. It’s teaching your nervous system that everything isn’t gonna fall apart. If you tell someone I’m a little bit mad, or I’m a little bit eager, or I’m a little bit courageous today, I want to try whatever you wanna do each time.
[01:10:35] It’s giving your nervous system some proof that things are different now and that you can face this and it lets you just, each time gets a little bit easier and sometimes we don’t notice like incremental changes, but they do. They will open your life in amazing ways. So the work you’re doing right now is creating a really nice now, but it’s gonna help make your future awesome and full of energy and life and vitality.
[01:10:59] So I’m really, I love the courage that brings each of you here. And Rick, I love the topic. I’m so glad you thought of it. Ah, thank you. Our emotional world is certainly the, a deeply intimate experience and the things that matter to us or the things that we feel in our core part of who we are, whether they’ve been suppressed or not they’re things that matter that we can just by giving a little attention to cultivating it for a period of time.
[01:11:30] What I know is that when we take something that’s really does matter to us and we build some energy with it, it does act as a doorway into the stuff that happens in our life. It allows us an emotional at tuning as a human being. We are emotional states and for example eager is my thing. I would not say at this point that I am eager very often, but I’m using it.
[01:12:03] I’m using my desire to focus on eagerness and I’m noticing. So the day around three o’clock two hours before the workshop, the kitchen is the result of having a birthday cake, a delayed birthday cake made for the nine year old for that event that they went to. It was moms and their kids all getting together and there was a birthday cake and things and they had no time, energy to clean up.
[01:12:31] And so there’s stuff everywhere and I was eager. I tried to say I’m, I, what am I eager for? Trying to move toward the kitchen. And the thing was, I am totally eager to close my eyes and now, I don’t actually have to make anything . And I sat there and I giggled a little bit, like nobody can make me, not even me
[01:12:57] And then it was like you. I’m eager for some movement. And so I put on some music and I put on my apron the simpleton, chef Apron. And I was, and then I got eager to see what, how long, how quickly I could get things cleaned up. And it was like, whoa, this was really fast. And then I was like, after the workshop it would be really nice to have something in the Instant Pot and to have something that I know the, that my family really likes.
[01:13:23] And I quickly put some stuff in. And then I was eager to have some some sweet potatoes. , fries cooked in the oil from this morning. So I went from eager to eager. And there was pauses in there where it was like okay. And here’s the thing. My partner has reflected to me that my energy in the kitchen has changed.
[01:13:46] I haven’t said a whole lot about how I’m trying internally to use eagerness to go from yes to yes. But not only did she make a cake, she made a para crisp tonight after they got home because the energetics in the kitchen are different. Not only did she not have to clean up, which was a gift, I like being generous and of service in that way, but there was something about the vibe in the kitchen and with me that I know makes it easier for other people to feel a bit more eager.
[01:14:23] If we can walk into a room as a empath and feel like, oh damn, there’s a lot of anger here. Pheromones of suppressed feelings. If we can feel that, can’t we also walk into a space and feel like, somebody’s in what matters to them? Somebody’s in what matters to them, what, why, what matters to me.
[01:14:44] And I, I know that it’s been good for her to have that chance to craft. And the kids, they went and started doing art together, like they’re crafty. I am not saying that I made all the difference there cuz I can’t know for sure what would’ve happened if I hadn’t been applying this that matters to me.
[01:15:04] But I see in our community that when we do even practice it a little so imperfectly awkwardly even that the skill of having emotional capacity to be that, to be in that place that matters to us So even though it’s been, just a month now I feel like eagerness is something that isn’t so far away and so suppressed.
[01:15:35] And if whatever you’re working on still feels far away and suppressed, take the smallest steps, micro steps, and how might I feel a bit more this right now? What would that, how might that look internally in me if I’m free? So thank you, Cathy. Yeah, thanks everyone. Thank you all. Bye for now. Wonderful people. Bye.
We covered…
- What does it mean to be emotionally suppressed?
- How when we’re growing up, self-suppressing is seen as being a “good” child – even when it is not really self-control but rather self-shame and shutdown.
- Suppressing often comes from past or feared punishment, judgment, and shaming. It can also be triggered by our primitive brain believing (with a lot of smarts!) that it wouldn’t be SAFE to express ourselves in such circumstances or with such people.
- Acclimating is different. When we acclimate we’re respecting the range of choices we now have. We’re choosing how to be with certain people, certain times, certain places with mutual respect, consent, and willingness to negotiate ways to make the we-space work for everyone.
- How do we stop suppressing? Know What Matters to You and let it guide your curiosity about how you might “be that” in this situation.
- Use EFT Tapping on the sensations of suppression – know how your body feels when it is suppressing (not just what you think).
- Imagine WHERE it would be safe-ish to feel what you want to feel and be what matters to you. Explore different places and feel into how you’d feel there (0-10). That gives clues as to options for microsteps you can take.
- WHO feels safe-ish? We might jump to the hardest and least likely person to handle what we feel (because that relationship has been painful – even traumatizing – in its lack of safety. We want to change it!) And… we recommend smaller steps like journaling, speaking aloud when you’re alone, friends who have shown themselves to hold space for your feelings, professional coaches and therapists, and helpful groups.
- WHAT would it look like to Be What Matters to you? For example, every emotion has a range and intensity. What is a subtle version of eager? How about simple courage? Or a whiff of peacefulness?
- Remember, thoughtful people have often been conditioned to self-repress and self-censor. Other people can feel so distressed, anxious, or angry, right? All of us, including you!, have a divine right to feel what we feel and find and craft ways to express our heartistry.
Resources Mentioned
Great to have you on this journey with us!
AI Summary of what we covered…
Suppressing emotions can hinder personal growth and relationships, but learning to express oneself through incremental steps and safe spaces can lead to healthier connections and self-acceptance.
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00:00 Suppressing emotions can hinder our ability to connect with others, but finding a balance and taking incremental steps toward expressing ourselves can help us thrive.
- Suppressing emotions can lead to negative consequences and difficulty connecting with others, and this workshop aims to explore this topic in depth.
- We might struggle with feeling like we are too much and not able to connect with people, but over time we can become more conscious of it and learn to share more about ourselves.
- Suppressing your voice and emotions may be a protective mechanism, but it’s important to find a balance and not let it hinder your ability to connect with others.
- It’s important to find a balance where individuals can express themselves while also feeling seen and respected, acknowledging that many people have past traumas that can affect their ability to thrive.
- Acknowledging and taking little incremental steps towards emotional states that matter to us can help us suppress our feelings in a safe and useful way, without compromising our own needs.
- Learn how to stop suppressing yourself in situations where it’s not necessary or useful, as it can hinder your natural ability to adapt and seek out new experiences.
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07:12 Suppressing emotions can lead to shame and hinder personal growth, but learning to acclimate and express oneself can lead to healthier relationships and self-acceptance.
- Suppressing emotions can lead to shame and feeling suppressed, but acclimating to the given situation can be a healthier alternative.
- Be present and attentive during Tapping exercises to clear emotional or physical suppression.
- Shame associated with suppression is often passed down through generations and can hinder personal growth, but it is possible to release this shame and learn to acclimate.
- Children might be punished and judged for behavior they don’t understand, leading to feelings of being inappropriate and misunderstood.
- Forgive yourself for not knowing everything, release shame, embrace curiosity, and learn how to express yourself while still acclimating with others.
- Eagerness is important and exciting, even if others don’t understand it.
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14:59 Suppressing emotions can drain your energy and vibrancy, but adapting and upgrading your approach to self-protection through communication is key.
- Shame can cause us to suppress our true feelings, so consider the possibility of adapting and upgrading our default approach to self-protection.
- Don’t put pressure on yourself to know everything about a new situation before starting, as everyone’s brains work differently and it’s important to be gentle with yourself and ask about emotions during the process.
- Suppressing emotions can happen in different areas of life, such as with peers during teenage years, and it’s important to identify and acknowledge them.
- Suppressing emotions is like draining your energy and suppressing your vibrancy, but it probably is okay to be stronger in certain circumstances.
- Emotional Freedom is about realizing what our emotions are telling us and having a choice to adjust to different circumstances. Communication is key to acclimating instead of suppressing.
- Valuing safety and respect can influence behavior and emotions in certain situations, such as funerals, where acclimating to the environment and adapting to personal values is important.
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27:09 Negotiate and prioritize mutual respect to create a safe and thoughtful space for communication while being savvy with emotions.
- Co-regulation involves quickly adapting to the energy of others and quieting one’s own system to create a safe and valued space for communication.
- Respect someone’s need for quiet space, but also prioritize your own needs and find a balance.
- In a shared space, it’s important to have mutual respect and negotiate, but if someone is dysregulated, it’s often best to avoid talking about it and prioritize soothing oneself over pushing forward.
- Negotiate and meet each other’s needs with mutual respect to avoid suppressing oneself and create a thoughtful and kind environment.
- We can each value certain emotions and experiences, even though they may not be compatible with everyone. Rather than suppress, we can still find a way to experience every aspect of our emotional range.
- Be savvy with emotions and create a climate that allows for experiencing a range of emotions, including the “uncool” ones.
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34:18 Take small steps and create safe spaces to express your emotions to overcome shyness and work towards being more outgoing.
- To overcome shyness, start with small steps like speaking to three other people, even if it feels uncool or awkward, and gradually acclimate yourself to social situations.
- Cathy struggled with shyness and suppressing emotions, but found that taking baby steps and speaking up to safe people helped them become more outgoing and work on expressing their emotions.
- Start with baby steps and create safe places to express your emotions, even if it’s just saying you like or don’t like something, and eventually work towards knowing when and how to express yourself in challenging situations.
- Practice safe communication by expressing how you feel about certain situations and using non-confrontational language to ensure that your choices are respected.
- Acclimate to wanting more ease and kindness by identifying the feeling of being stuck and finding ways to bring comfort and compassion, such as tapping the collarbone points.
- Expressing anger towards someone can trigger a fight response in the primitive brain, making it important to be mindful of when and how we express anger. Anger is a fire-like energy, which doesn’t make it bad/wrong. It is an energy to treat with respect and skill.
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40:54 Being honest and vulnerable with others can alleviate stress and lead to more relaxed interactions, while expressing anger in a healthy way can build connections and deepen relationships.
- Being honest and vulnerable with people can alleviate the stress of trying to present oneself in a “certain way.”
- Being true to oneself and communicating emotions honestly can lead to a more relaxed and less confrontational interaction with others.
- Expressing anger in a healthy way can help build connections with people and doesn’t require someone else’s permission or collaboration, and it’s important to preface it and check in with others to ensure they are in a good space.
- Being wise-fearless means acknowledging and being with your emotions, excusing yourself from situations that don’t serve you, and using what matters to you as a focused doorway for situations in your life.
- Sharing your anger with others, especially those with whom you have built a deep relationship, can lead to healing and deepening of the relationship.
- There’s a benefit to having a menu of choices. Curiosity can lead to discovering new options for feeling freer and freer.
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49:16 Don’t suppress your natural emotions. Learn to manage them through techniques like EFT Tapping and safe spaces. This brings growth in managing anger and improving communication skills.
- Suppressing ourselves and noticing how others suppress themselves can change the way we interact with people and the way we parent or befriend people, as there is a vibe to suppression and shame that affects our emotional world.
- Medical professionals are taught to suppress their natural emotions of empathy, compassion, and kindness through their rigorous curriculum and long shifts.
- It’s crucial not to suppress one’s natural eagerness and vitality in order to avoid criticism or discomfort.
- Our primitive brain often tells us that things are too hard and not worth it, but if we remind ourselves that it’s just a story and take small steps, we can make progress and get better at processing our emotions.
- Finding a safe space to practice tapping and expressing emotions with others can lead to exponential growth in managing anger and improving communication skills.
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56:25 Take small steps to feel fearless and peaceful in safer situations, be mindful of eagerness, identify and express emotions, reclaim suppressed parts of oneself, and cultivate emotions that matter for a more passionate and fulfilling life.
- Take small steps and practice in safe situations, using tapping and visualization techniques to feel wisely fearless or surprisingly peaceful in specific places, rather than trying to be fearless with unsafe people.
- Being mindful of eagerness and finding a balance between being too eager and not eager enough in different situations.
- Learn to identify and express your emotions in safe environments, such as writing them down or seeking support, in order to stop suppressing yourself and feel more present and aware in different situations.
- Reclaiming suppressed parts of oneself leads to feeling healthier, more alive, and having more energy, and every little step towards expressing oneself is important.
- Taking small steps towards vulnerability and authenticity can make a big difference in building connections and creating a more passionate and fulfilling life.
- Cultivating emotions that matter to us can act as a doorway into improving our emotional state and can positively impact the energy and vibe of our surroundings.
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