Sleepless

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4:10 a.m. I pull the pillow from under my aching legs and stretch. Then I sink back in the recliner hoping to fall back to sleep. The bathroom calls. I answer. Peeking out the window I see the rain has stopped. I walk around the house a bit to stretch my legs and gently move my arms back and forth. I go back to my chair. Adjusting the blanket and neck pillow I’m ready for sleep.

Then the thoughts start … I wonder how Mark’s doing after his bone marrow transplant. Why has this upset me so much? My primitive brain is over active. I tap quietly in my mind for myself and visualize healing angels surrounding Mark.

“Ok, now release him, you’ve done what you can, Jean.” I try. I mentally tap on how strong the will to live is. I wouldn’t be brave enough for all that Mark is going through.

“But Jean, he’s your son’s age, there’s no comparison.”

Yes I know, but still… Ok l’ll release him now. I can’t.

“Yes you can, put him on a shelf, release him to God, stop focusing on him Jean.”

“Ok I’ll give thanks and feel gratitude for what I’m thankful for. I’m thankful that I won’t be in isolation in the hospital for a month like Mark’s going to be” …that would be so scary. Tap tap.

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I glance at the clock. 5:15! Have I been focusing on Mark for an hour already? STOP!! I’m safe, I have a free day ahead so it doesn’t matter if I sleep now or take a nap later.

I close my eyes and concentrate on my breathing.

Our rent went up again.

We need our Covid vaccinations.

Oh no, my mind is latching onto all this now. I take another breath and hope for sleep.

Next thing I know I’m being told the tree is just dry and we give it two cups of water and the tree magically blooms. It is so beautiful! Wow, just two cups of water is all it took? I wake up and realize I’ve been dreaming and wish that it would be that easy for us to bloom so beautifully with just a couple cups of water.

I look at the clock. It’s 8am. I slept!!

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Wouldn’t it be great if just focusing on our breathing once would clear out all the other noise?!? Hahaha

I appreciate how this reminds me of those dynamics and the practices of

  • release
  • mindful breathing
  • noticing
  • letting go and returning to the breath
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Yes it sure would be. Even if we were able to clear out all the noise in 4, 5, 10 breaths.

Sometimes we can, sometimes no matter how many breaths we take the bathroom calls, the house squeaks, a baby cries, the stomach growls -

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Indeed! And, when outside things are happening that need attention, I do my best to meet them… especially the baby! :breast_feeding:t2:

And, when inner things need attention, like the part that is stuck in worry (or whatever the energy may be), I try to offer those parts of myself loving attention too — much like I offer to a crying baby, just knowing that they need gentleness and acceptance, too… to feel what they feel, and to be heard and met and loved.

The part that is worrying needs love too, and when I listen gently and offer it that compassionate attention, it often has an easier time letting go of the worry!
(Not always, but often!) :heart::yin_yang:

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Thank you. I forget to offer it gentle loving attention.

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It’s so easy to forget! Especially when mostly living in adult world…

Having kids around is (so far) the best way to remind myself that all my various parts need gentle, loving attention too!

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