People Pleasing

 Real Skills Workshop - Community Event


RS 2022-06-21 Pleasing

People Pleasing

Real Skills Workshop: Relating & Co-Creating

Hosts: Rick Wilkes (@Rick) and Cathy Vartuli (@Cathy)

Recorded Tue Jun 21 2022

We hope you’ll join us, and bring a guest!

:point_right: Replay is below

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Yes please!! I could really use this! :heart:

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Are you a people pleaser?

I was. I was a people pleaser.

I’d find myself doing things I didn’t want to do, sometimes for people I didn’t even LIKE. What’s up with THAT?!?!

Well, trauma is up with that. Our primitive brain can habitually react when we don’t feel safe saying No or really being ourselves… by fawning.

Watch nature shows and you see it all the time.

Watch people around their boss and you see it all the time.

Rather than risk a fight, especially if we feel we can’t run and hide, we might freeze… or we might PLEASE.

It feels yucky. Indeed, the fawn response has been labeled in all kinds of ugly ways: sucking up to the boss, ass kissing, being a teacher’s pet, or always being a “nice” person.

To be clear: I like pleasing people.

To be clearer: if I am pleasing someone at the expense of myself, when it isn’t a yes for me, I am “people pleasing.”

Breaking out of that behavior pattern can take some real skill. It’s why we’re getting together and doing a Real Skills Workshop.

Behaving in ways that are pleasing to ourselves – and those who share a we-space with – supports a thriving lifestyle. People Pleasing sourced from fear and past trauma does not.

:point_right: Replay is below

P.S. Our Circle Membership - now available for
a one-time payment on a gliding scale
.

Circle Members get all Real Skills Workshops (and much more)!

Rick & Cathy
Your Emotional Freedom Coaches

P.S. Adira says, “I love pleasing people! (I also march on the path of my own desires… you can do both, like I do!)”

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CAN they be pleased?

Some people can’t. Some people won’t. Some (rare) people intentionally manipulate by almost never being pleased by what we do and who we are.

A part of me feels really pissed about that.

A (wiser) part of me knows that is human reality and wants to be immune to falling into the trap of People Pleasing anyway.

That takes skill. It’s a skill I practice every day.

I’m imagining that if you’re engaging on this topic, you actually like pleasing people… just not at your own expense.

I’m guessing you’ve run into people who “never seem pleased with you.” What happens to your behavior when you engage with such mostly unpleasable people?

A common reaction in me is, “Oh no! What can I do to make this better?!?”

Uhhh, there’s both love and fear mixed in with that reaction.

“Well, fine, I’m outta here!” – That “flee” response can be there, too.

“You NEVER appreciate me!!!” – Gut check. Heart hurt. The fight reflex is triggered!

Looking at my life, I’ve seen myself stretch to extremes to do things I never thought I’d do in order to gain someone’s approval – that they would finally be pleased with me. Ugh.

That behavior can be shifted.

We ground first in awareness:

  1. Can this person actually be pleased?
  2. What would being pleased look and sound like to me?
  3. Am I staying in my YES… or am I compromising myself to try and please them right now?

There’s tapping to be done to calm ourselves about being “unpleasing.” Most of us have specific and life-segment traumas where being “unpleasing” (despite our best efforts!) was unsafe emotionally… or physically.

This workshop we’re doing is designed to help us all ground, together, in ways to strengthen our core clarity and guidance. If someone can’t actually be pleased, right now or EVER, how do we want to integrate that reality in our nervous system and psyche?

Cathy and I are excited to do this with you!

It’s possible to embrace our own delight in being pleasing and agreeable without falling into the trap of being a People Pleaser.

:point_right: Replay is below

P.S. Our Circle Membership - now available for
a one-time payment on a gliding scale
.
Circle Members get all Real Skills Workshops (and much more)!

Rick & Cathy
Your Emotional Freedom Coaches

P.S. Adira says, “I love pleasing my Da-Da! Just not at my own expense… and I will shriek as necessary!”

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Pleasing Boundaries… or People Pleasing?

"What is my limit here?"

And… can I express that limit and feel good about myself and the relationship?

That’s a key indicator whether you are People Pleasing or enjoying being supportive, caring, empathetic, loving… and have mutually pleasing relationships.

It’s HARD sometimes! Any parent knows that when you set limits, you get pushback from the freedom-demanding part of this human you’re raising.

And… the inner child in many of us remembers a parent (or both) that were really stretched beyond their limits, who had serious issues, where if we were not “pleasing” to them, it meant… bad stuff.

Trauma-informed self-care is an Awareness… and a skill.

The awareness comes from having questions we can ask ourselves: “What’s my limit here? Is that healthy for me, and we?”

When past trauma makes us resistant to being agreeable and willing, our relationships will not thrive. When past trauma makes us feel we HAVE TO be willing and agreeable, the festering loss of freedom inside can lead to illness and turmoil (even if hidden behind a “pleasing” smile).

Are you sensing for yourself where your limits are? Or maybe even that your limits could use some clarifying? If so…

Join Cathy and I…

It feels so much better when we know the limits to what we’re willing to do to support others… while loving ourselves and our choices, too.

:point_right: Replay is below

P.S. Our Circle Membership - now available for
a one-time payment on a gliding scale
.
Circle Members get all Real Skills Workshops (and much more)!

Rick & Cathy
Your Emotional Freedom Coaches

P.S. Adira says, “It is often pleasing for me to share my blueberries… but I generally like to keep some juicy ones for myself, too! How do you like to share?”

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People Pleasing… - Workshop Session Replay

We welcome your insights, ah-ha’s, and sharing. Please! Click [Reply]

Click for Computer Generated Transcript

People Pleasing
[00:00:00] People pleasing. Oh,
[00:00:06] oh. I’ve I never have people pleaser. I never have that problem. I Don know what you’re talking about. It was it wasn’t in the nicest tone either. Um, hi, I’m Rick from thriving now here with Cathy Vartuli thriving now and the intimacy dojo. Um, I, I really appreciate that we have a community that’s coming together.
[00:00:30] I’ve been hearing from some people by email about this dynamic and some of the stories. And we, we invite you to, um, take a moment and allow yourself. Feel just a little bit more present. Just I put my hand on my heart. Um, sometimes, sometimes I just squeeze my legs,
[00:01:02] gentle breath, my gentle breath, gravity to bring you present. I also like to, to look around the room and remind myself that I’m here now sometimes like I’ll still have echos of the day where I was dealing with different people or different stresses you’re here right now. You’re in this container that we’re setting together where it really is safe.
[00:01:23] You get to be who you are here and we welcome you just as you are tears and laughter are welcome here. Mm-hmm and.
[00:01:38] I was not raised with a lot of social and emotional learning. That’s actually a thing. Now, did you know, like parents get books, even Dolly Parton sends out these really, you know, wonderful books, um, about social and emotional learning. And, um, you know, we’ve started Aira with them, like Lama, Lama, red pajama.
[00:02:01] Um, she loves that and it’s about self-regulation and, um, you know, attachment and things. And it’s a, it’s a really wonderful story. Um, she’s only read it a hundred or so times with us. Um, but oh, had a gift to have that integrated from young when we’re still trying to figure out right. And my, my youth, it was CSPO run, which is great if you love dogs.
[00:02:28] Um, and one of the things that. I didn’t know was that when I didn’t feel safe and I, I had a split home, I went to my dad’s house, um, every other weekend. And I think looking back and tuning into little Ricky, he was terrified that if things didn’t work out at his mom’s, he was gonna end up being at his dad’s.
[00:02:54] And so my primitive brain, it just feels really alive for me. Um, if mom wasn’t pleased, that was a really big threat, a really big threat. And it activated in me like instead of fighting or fleeing or freezing it activated in me, um, a reactivity. If mom’s not happy, I’d have to do something to please her.
[00:03:27] With a kind of hyper vigilance on her wellbeing. Yeah, exactly. Now my mother, um, did not play to this as far as I can remember or tend to like, um, I don’t feel at all manipulated by her or anything else. This was my primitive brain taking a read of the situation you live with this wonderful mother, or you go, and you, you live with the evil stepmother.
[00:03:52] Those are my choices. better, better keep mom stable and happy and not so much pleased with me, but pleased with how things are going so that she feels resource overwhelmed, not, not melting down. Yeah. Now they, the, the technical term they come up with for, um, how, how that is in your perimeter brain is FA right?
[00:04:14] Yeah. Flight flight freeze is fawn. Like, and that can happen. Your mom was very like friendly and you, she wasn’t manipulating, but abusers or people that there’s a lot of people that will use it as a way to get their needs met. They’ll manipulate and leave people feeling unsettled and uneasy. And I imagine anyone that comes to one of Rick’s of my calls, you’re pretty sensitive.
[00:04:40] You’re pretty gentle and open hearted. Anyway, you naturally wanted to please people and for someone that’s manipulative, that’s, you know, we, when we’re little, we didn’t know what to watch out for. And we probably, most of us didn’t have someone saying this is okay, and this is not okay. Around emotional regulation.
[00:04:58] And we’re gonna talk about boundaries a little bit later. So if you can just notice your poor little stuff was like, Kind of swimming in this world where there are people that are manipulating around this. There are people that are not manipulating, but still have a lot of needs. And no one ever talked to you about when, how far you had to go.
[00:05:16] When was it okay to say no that, you know, what was going on? That could feel like a real lot for, for many of us. And part of this may be forgiving our universe self for doing what we did, which was really the best. We knew how at that time. So our primitive brain reactions tend to include some information for our future self.
[00:05:38] Like this is an ideal, this, this is something that we want to shift and change and heal. And sometimes that ends up being a lot of self criticism down the road. Um, so that’s where we’re starting is with this. Did, have you ever fawn, like is who, who have you fawn to in your, in your recent past? Uh, like this morning, um, is it a boss?
[00:06:08] Is it someone else? And if you really look and you’re like, that is not me. You can also look at like, um, I’ve gotten some emails where instead of fawning, they went the other way, where they resisted being pleasing. Yes. So one of the things I’d like to like our survival brain is very aware of status and there’s something where we like, like people to be happy when I have events, I want people to be comfortable.
[00:06:41] I care about that. Yeah. But fawning is very like, we’re the bottom dog talking. We’re trying to please upward. And if we have a lot of that energy in our system, it can hurt our friendship and relationships. Like our peers at work may not see us as, as powerful as we are. Our friends may not see us as valuable cuz they see us as always available, always wanting to, to connect and, and make sure we’re okay.
[00:07:05] There’s a, a hyper vigilance and a, a trauma reaction that comes from when we’re fawning. And a lot of us did learn that from parents that were not as always as regulated or resourced as we would’ve wished. right. So how are you feeling about this in you? Um, how intense does it feel for you this moment?
[00:07:30] Let’s pause. And I find it useful to, to like, okay, how do I feel about my past people? Pleaser, pleasing dynamics? Well, like feels like a six, seven, just in a general sense, a little sick to my stomach. Like I tend to feel really judgey towards my younger self. Like, uh, why didn stand up for herself? Why didn’t she just let them be uncomfortable?
[00:08:00] Or why did, why did she chase them and try to make them like her? And there was just a, I think that there was a desperation of like, I. our survival brain knows when we’re really little. If we don’t please and take care of the, our caregivers, we’re high enough food. Like it’s a real, it was a reality as we evolved.
[00:08:20] Um, I still remember when I was five and I, I, I was very unhappy at home and I said I was gonna run away from home. And my mom helped me pack and I actually got my suitcase well down. There’s this dirt road. And I was just walking down this dirt road with my suitcase and I’m like, oh my God, I don’t know where to go.
[00:08:36] There’s no food, there’s no shelter. And I had to go back. but there was like, it really struck home to me that like, I didn’t know how to function in the world by myself. And if I really pissed them off, um, or they, my mother would get very emotional and overwhelmed. Like if I didn’t take care of her and proper up, I was gonna be like on that dirt road with no food, no shelter.
[00:08:58] And just my little suitcase where I packed a lot of stuffed animals and not so many clothes, which wasn’t the most useful thing to bring. But, um, you know, like we’re very aware of small children how vulnerable we are. And I think we forget that as we’re adults, we tend to paste like our resources now on that younger self.
[00:09:17] And like, so when I judge my younger self it’s easy, I’m not really letting myself feel the vulnerability. I don’t always want to feel how vulnerable I was as a child. So if you’re noticing some judgment, if you can realize that the little kid didn’t have car keys or a wallet or the knowledge of how to get help and who would, who would be safe to reach out to help.
[00:09:38] Could we do some tapping just for cuz I’m activated enough that I I’d like to yeah. Kinda get started with that. Okay. Use EFT tapping if you’re new to it, we’re not teaching it tonight. Um, but you can learn about it at thriving now.com/tapping. Yeah. So just invite you to take a nice, slow breath and let yourself be in your body.
[00:10:03] If that feels okay to you, your butt on the chair, your feet on the floor and right here, now you’re safe. If you can kind of split screen, there’s a younger self that’s kind of, that was funny and, and kind of trying to feel safe. And there’s the adult side of you right now here. That’s like that’s leading the tapping, but connecting some with that feeling.
[00:10:25] Mm-hmm so you don’t have to dive full face into that old feeling. You can kind of split screen it side by side, and that’s a really good way to deal with some of these feelings, karate chap, even though that was really terrifi. Even though that was really terrifying. And I put so much energy into watching them to make sure they were okay.
[00:10:45] And I put so much energy into watching them to make sure they were okay. My little brain was trying to figure out how to please them. My little brain was trying to figure out how to please them when often they didn’t know how to please themselves when often they did not know how to please themselves.
[00:11:03] What if I could send forgiveness back through time? What if I could send forgiveness back through time and some compassion too, and some compassion too. Top of the head. Hey, little one. Hey, little one eyebrow. That was really hard. That was really hard side of the eye. I know how much energy you put into this.
[00:11:26] I know how much energy you put into this under the eye. You were so vigilant. You were so vigilant under the nose. You thought so hard about how to make things better. You, you thought so hard about how to make things better. Shannon. That was really smart back then. And that was really smart. Back then.
[00:11:44] Collarbone, you might have made things better for everybody. You might have made things better for everyone and, and we don’t have to be quite that pleasing anymore. Yeah. We don’t have to be quite that pleasing anymore. Top of the head it’s okay for other people to be uncomfortable. What if it’s okay for other people to be uncomfortable?
[00:12:07] I’d rather, it might even be okay for me to be uncomfortable. It might even be okay for me to be uncomfortable side of the eye, but we don’t have to be terrified. We don’t have to be terrified under the eye. We can turn down the sensitivity on watching other people. We can turn down the sensitivity on watching other people under the nose.
[00:12:31] We can encourage them to use their voice. We can encourage them to use their voice chin, to ask for what they want to ask for what they want collarbone. And we can even spend some of that energy. And we can even spend some of that energy under the arm, taking care of ourselves,
[00:12:50] taking care of ourselves. Top of that. That would be a new concept for most of us. , uh, that’s an expanding concept for most of us, I think. And I just invite you to take a breath and notice what’s coming up. Mm-hmm . If someone shared in the chat, it’s tied to the fear of, of feeling that discomfort, anything to avoid that.
[00:13:14] And I think that a lot of times when we were little, that discomfort was we anchored that that discomfort was a sign. We were in physical danger or emotional danger. Like we really had to jump on it as adults. We may be feeling similar discomfort, but it’s not actually tied to, most of us have a lot more resources in terms of self care and people around us.
[00:13:36] We don’t just have one or two caregivers that have the gateway to all, all sources of abundance. Right now, most of us have several other places. So maybe the discomfort we’re feeling while it reminds us of that, it doesn’t actually sing signal the same danger it did when we were little. So tapping on whatever your reaction is to having, you know, having this as an issue.
[00:14:02] Yes. And your energy and your emotional reactions. Yeah. Even though I’ve been a people pleaser, even though I’ve been a people pleaser, I deeply and completely accept myself, even though I don’t deeply and completely accept myself, even though I don’t deeply and completely accept, I don’t wanna be a people pleaser.
[00:14:25] I don’t wanna be a people pleaser. I don’t want that to stick around. I don’t want that to stick around. It’s not good for me. It’s not great for my relationships. It’s not great for my relationships. Uh, I accept where I am. I accept where I am and I’m in the process of making some changes. And I’m in the process of making some changes off of head.
[00:14:49] I like pleasing people. I like pleasing people, eyebrow, and sometimes it’s at my expense and sometimes it’s at my expense right. Of the eye. Sometimes it’s been at my expense. Sometimes it’s been at my expense on the eye and I have some judgments about that. And I have some judgements about that under the nose.
[00:15:11] I might even have some self hate about that. I might even have some self hate about that. Chin. That’s not very pleasing to me. That’s not very pleasing to me. Hoone this is important for me to find balance. This is important for me to find balance. Okay. It feels important for me to find my right balance.
[00:15:33] It feels important for me to find my right balance. Head. I don’t like pleasing people. I kind of like pleasing people, but not at my own expense, but not at my own expense. Oh,
[00:15:48] Hmm. And that’s, it’s a, for many of us, we don’t have the muscle about pleasing ourselves. Like one of the things I’ve always started out when I would do a call, I would ask the universe to please help me be of service to my fellow. That’s something I got from Alan on years ago. And where we, the last few, few years re not Rick and I have been adding, please let us be useful to our fellows and ourselves.
[00:16:15] So like we add in that it’s not just a sacrifice for ourselves, but also for our, for us as well. And I think I didn’t have the muscle. It felt very awkward to say that at first or even intend that it’s like, do I deserve this? Is this okay? Am I selfish? Like just the muscle was really weak on self-care.
[00:16:35] Um, and just because something is uncomfortable, it doesn’t necessarily mean it’s bad. If that makes sense. It may mean that we just haven’t done it. We’re just not used to that. We don’t, we haven’t practiced it. Yeah. And this, this, uh, is it okay to go on to then into number two? Yeah. So that is where. Like, how do we, um, detect the difference between enjoying pleasing people and people pleasing?
[00:17:04] And to me is like, do I have a limit? A, a boundary is a form of limit. A boundary is something that I need in order to enjoy and feel good about the interaction between us and boundaries can be mutually agreed to. But there also can be a boundary where it’s like, no, this is my limit. You may want the limit right up where you’re controlling my every thought deed in action.
[00:17:32] But my limit is if it’s a yes for me, Right. And so that’s, that’s where I’ve made a personally a lot of progress in
[00:17:49] like, what, what is my limit? If I have a limit, then I know that I’m at least aware that I’m, I don’t have to sacrifice myself. Being aware of limits, takes it. Like the primitive brain picks up this person. It feels like they need, we need to please them. Okay. Well, I’m willing to get them something to eat.
[00:18:17] I’m, I’m not willing to take the blame for how they’re feeling. For example, I think one of the, if, if I, I, so when my mom would collapse, when I was a child, I felt like I had, it was my responsibility to hold her up. I had to hold her together, or I was stuck alone with not, you know, we wouldn’t have dinner, there wouldn’t be food.
[00:18:37] My sister would cry and it would just horrible. It was like, I felt like I had to support her all. Now when someone, if someone’s in distress, I’m like, oh, I can choose to help some. I can choose to add if I want to, but it’s their life, their responsibility. I’m not having to be solely responsible for all of their staff.
[00:18:58] And I think that some, I have a couple people that I help, um, friends that are, they’re having a tough time, I’m helping them. And I notice that some of them that have a little more victim mentality, scarcity mentality will help them with one thing. And they’re trying to throw other things they’re trying to get me sucked in so that all of a sudden, this thing I agreed to do that had very clear boundaries is getting bigger.
[00:19:19] They’re trying to make it bigger and bigger and I’ve had to say, no, I didn’t agree. And they’re like, but I don’t know how to do it. And I’m like, I love you. I care about you. And it’s not my problem. And it was really hard to say that, like, I felt like a horrible friend. I got off and I had to tap a while and the truth was I could have gotten sucked in.
[00:19:37] I could do the things they were asking, but it would’ve been in the sacrifice for my own life. My own hobby. Would you tap on that? It, it would’ve been a sacrifice for my own life. Yeah. And maybe include, it was a sacrifice for my own life, for those things that are in our path. So just take a gentle breath, karate chop, even though I didn’t have any boundaries when I was little, even though I didn’t have any boundaries, when I was little, I had, I felt like I had to take on whatever came my way.
[00:20:05] I felt like I had to take on whatever came my way and I had to sacrifice anything. I had to make this. Okay. And I had to sacrifice anything I had in order to make it okay. I don’t live in that world anymore. I do not live in that world anymore. And other people are also responsible for their lives and other people are also responsible for their lives top of that.
[00:20:28] I don’t have to sacrifice myself.
[00:20:33] what if I don’t have to sacrifice myself eyebrow, sometimes I may choose to stretch a bit. Yes. Sometimes I do choose to stretch a bit side of the eye. I might be tired and a friend may really need to talk. I may be tired and a friend really needs to talk under the eye and I may choose to be there with them.
[00:20:52] And I may choose to be there with them under the nose. And I emphasize the word choice
[00:21:01] and I emphasize the word choice. Chin. When I was little, I felt like I must be there when I was little. I felt like I must be there collarbone. I didn’t see any choice. Uh, I didn’t feel like there was any choice under the arm. Now I’m an adult. Now I’m an adult top of the head. And if I’m dealing with other adults.
[00:21:25] And if I’m dealing with other adults, it’s a choice. It’s a choice. And just see if you’d just sit with that for a minute. If you would just breathe that in and notice what’s coming up, cuz it was very uncomfortable for me. I was the kind of person that anyone could call me anytime. And like even someone who’d been really mean to me or out of like.
[00:21:46] Like really cross boundaries with me. If they asked for help, it was a knee jerk reaction to be there for them. And even if it was, if it meant that I didn’t get any sleep that night, or I didn’t take care of my own dinner or I didn’t, you know, like I, I just would dive in. And, and because I had the muscles were very strong for diving in and rescuing, but I wasn’t taking care of myself too.
[00:22:07] We wanna add you into this equation, you know, just not just have the other person’s needs, but also our own needs beyond the scale. And our needs can actually be very, very important. We wanna put our own mask, like if we’re in a plane and the, you know, the, the oxygen mask drop, we wanna put our own mask on first, before we help others.
[00:22:28] And I think a lot of us have been taught to dive in and help other people at any cost to ourselves. So if you can’t, if you don’t feel like there’s a choice. Yeah. That go ahead. Side of the hand. Even though that’s a pattern, even though it’s a pattern and I see it in others and I see it in others. Oh, I see it in the mirror and I see it in the mirror.
[00:22:51] Uh it’s okay. It’s so human. It’s okay. It’s so human. And I want to have healthy boundaries and I wanna have healthy boundaries that support my thriving, that support my thriving of it. But don’t I have to rescue don’t. I have her to rescue eyebrow. Don’t I have to rescue don’t. I have to rescue, so yeah.
[00:23:12] Don’t I have to always rescue don’t. I always have to rescue under the eye. What if I don’t? What if I don’t under the nose? I’m recalibrating my sensors. I’m recalibrating my sensors. Chin as a child, they got stuck on alert, alert, alert. When I was a child, they get stuck in alert, alert, alert. olive bone. It made me more reactive than is healthy.
[00:23:42] It made me more reactive than is healthy and the arm and that’s okay. And that’s okay. I’m in the process of shifting my balance. I’m in the process of shifting my balance more responsive from choice, more responsive from choice. Ah.
[00:24:04] And in tapping, there is a quality of acceptance. Um, and you’ll notice like Kathy will say something that’s sort of accepting and I’m not quite there yet. And I, I modify it. It’s useful to try it on. And if like I deeply and completely accept myself is absolutely not where you ares, like I’m, I’m open maybe something accepting myself a little bit more.
[00:24:28] Um, when we’re honest with where we are, Our fingers actually touch on a more truthful energy, a more authentic, okay. This is where I am right now. I I’m still kind of pissed off at myself. You know, I’m still kind of pissed off at myself or not taking care of myself. Like, come on. I was smart. I should have known better.
[00:24:50] Oh. But that poor little kid didn’t yeah. And the honest feeling is, oh, Ricky, come on. You know?
[00:25:02] And I was scared. Yeah. And I couldn’t show that I was scared. I was scared of being scared. it was scary to have people that were.
[00:25:20] Not in a good place. Yeah. And part of my personality enjoys being pleasing. Yeah. Wow. I think they have over exercised that muscle. that muscle got a lot of workout that few hundred thousand times. Yeah. Well, I think often our parents, if they were very low resourced or overwhelmed, they would be like, they would see one, a lot of people that when they’re in trauma or they’re really activated, they see one solution.
[00:25:48] Somebody else help them. And the truth is if they can come like a good parent might model, I feel very overwhelmed. I don’t wanna hide what’s going on with you, but I’ve actually got this. We’ll figure it out. Like I’m gonna find resources. They don’t dump it on the child. Yeah. Um, and smart children can also pick up more than their parents may be aware of.
[00:26:09] So it’s not always that the parent was bad, but. Letting them know, like, Hey, I’m gonna calm myself down. I’m gonna ask other adults for help around this. You don’t have to carry. This would be a very healthy way to handle that. Like, cuz kids are gonna pick up like ADRA would pick up if Rick’s upset, like she’ll know that there’s something off.
[00:26:29] And if he could say it’s okay, daddy’s having a bad day today, but he’s gonna get some help. He’s gonna call like Kathy and talk about it and it’s gonna be okay, work out. We’ve got this that lets her grow up with feeling of security and that the world isn’t on her shoulder. So to speak that she doesn’t have to sacrifice someone that I refuse to sacrifice myself is a really good stance to be.
[00:26:51] um, and people will sometimes act like it’s you are their own, I don’t know who else to call. Well, maybe now’s a good time to find other resources. Maybe now is a good time to call the county and ask for therapy. Often counties will have, uh, reduced price therapy for different or the, their church or, or whatever it is.
[00:27:09] Like people will narrow in on a very helpful resource. Like someone who’s good at helping they’ll often say, I don’t know if you don’t help me. I don’t know what I’ll do. Like wow. That’s I’ve that sounds really scary. And I can’t be all of that for you. I can, maybe I I’m, you know, I actually feel like I have 10 minutes to help you brainstorm some options if you want, but I need to go get dinner cuz I haven’t had, um, it’s time for my food and I’m gonna take care of myself.
[00:27:36] So I’m just giving you a little bit of an example because I don’t think this is modeled very well in this world. It’s like, no, you have to be with me on the phone until I’m done. No, I don’t have to. Would you do a tapping for us? I, I, I can’t be all of that for you. Like yeah, just helping us, um, activate that.
[00:27:55] I, I can, now I know that there are people that really do live based upon obligation and mutual obligation to one another. That I’m there for you. No matter what, even if it causes me to not be thriving and vice versa, I expect the same. That kind of obligation dynamic. Isn’t emotional freedom. And that’s my thing.
[00:28:19] Um, yet we’re managing, like I’m managing a very caring person. So this particular statement, I can’t be all of that for you. Mm-hmm um, I, I couldn’t be a professional doing this work if early on, like in the first six months of being a professional, I didn’t run into situations where I needed to be able to hold a space of, I am part of a circle of support, but I am not the whole circle.
[00:28:50] Yeah. Univers. I want to be. And you know, so like, This, uh, the same goes true for even children. Like if I feel like I have to be everything for one of my children, it actually throws me way out of balance. So this is, this is I a statement that kind of, if you have a knee jerk reaction, I couldn’t say that I couldn’t, I couldn’t have that attitude.
[00:29:18] Um, there are two parts looking at like, okay, what is the strong. Attitude that you want, maybe we ha we are not landing on it for you, but also like, okay. If I want to be able to, to live with an acknowledgement, I can’t be all that for anyone that just happens to be in my world, that I care about love about or live under my roof.
[00:29:40] Um,
[00:29:44] and it’s uncomfortable. There’s so much fruit fruitfulness for you to get to the place where like, no I’m part of your world. I’m not all of it. So yeah, a lot of words. Thank you. Yeah, no, that’s real. I love you shared that someone shared the chat that they told their mother to stop calling. Them about the problems until the mother did something like took care of something, this, and then the mom burned the pictures from the wall.
[00:30:09] Oh, turned all the pictures, turned all the wall. Sorry, where I, my glasses are not good enough. And when they’re on top of my head, right. She turned all the pictures around and I think there is a sense. My mother often will be angry at my sister who didn’t show hasn’t shown up. My sister’s taking care of herself.
[00:30:24] So there’s like, well, I raised her. I did, I sacrificed all this for as a child. And it’s like, no, when we’re little, we didn’t agree to that. We were just born into this world. Mm-hmm so karate chap, even though they really want me to be all of that for them, even though they really want me to be all of that, for them to fix all their problems, to fix it all, to be with their , with them through it all.
[00:30:49] I can’t be all of that for them. I actually can’t be all of that for them. And I wonder if some of the problems might be there to have them turn to the universe for help.
[00:31:04] I I’d missed that. I wonder if some of them are problems. I wonder if some of their problems might be a call for them to, to turn to the universe might be a call for them to tune to the universe for help for help. Top of the head. I can’t solve all of that for them. I cannot solve all of that for them.
[00:31:28] Eyebrow. They’re an adult, they’re an adult side of the eye. They have their own responsibilities. They have their own responsibilities under the eye, and they have other options besides me. And they have other options besides me under the nose. I can’t be all of that for them. . I cannot be all of that for them.
[00:31:51] Jen. I can care. I can care. I do care. Oh yeah. Color. But I can notice the pain in my heart when they’re sad about this. I can notice the pain in my heart when I’m there sad about it under the arm. And I still get to take care of my own health. And I still get to take care of my own health, top of the head and all my wellbeing and all my wellbeing.
[00:32:16] I do notice that like, there’s been times Rick isn’t like he has a baby. We would always, we used to talk very late at night all the time. We would talk for hours every night. He gets to go bed to bed much earlier because of Aira. She gets up very early and I’m on the west coast. So there’s not as much overlap.
[00:32:33] We don’t talk these long rambling talks. And I did notice how much I missed that. And I shared it with him. We have made some times to talk and I’ve also. I’m like, oh, I have to find for me to take care of my wellbeing. I need to find other people that I connect with that, that fill like Rick, our conversations are very fulfilling.
[00:32:54] Like I feel really good afterwards. Like there’s a philosophical and spiritual connection. So my job is to go out to find other people that may, they’re not gonna be Rick, but they’re gonna fill some of that for me in different ways. And I notice that like, I like that I’m getting a different, different perspectives and flavors mixed in, in some ways like while I don’t think Rick and I will ever stop talking, it’s been kind of good for me to stretch myself out of my comfort zones rather than getting so much of my emotional fulfillment from one person.
[00:33:26] Um, so if you can turn that on someone else, who’s really desperate and like wanting to pull at you, maybe cuz they’re used to getting help for you, uh, from you. Um, They might be the universe might be calling them to reach out to other places or to try different things, to get more of a mixture of, of, of nourishment and support.
[00:33:48] That helps me when I remember I can just, and, and like the same with clients, like I can offer them my best advice. I try to be there for them, but I am not it’s, I’m not holding them up. I’m, I’m helping guide them to an outcome. And they’re also like, I can, I can invite the universe to guide me and guide them.
[00:34:08] I don’t have to be the one holding, holding them up in the world. I can be someone that’s walking with them through their issues and finding good solutions and trying on different ideas. And, and there’s a reality here too, as the person said, you know, set a boundary and some people will object and punish, and even to the point of breaking off the relationship.
[00:34:34] So. That’s why we fond in the first place. right. Like there’s a threat. And so I sometimes need to acknowledge the threat, whether it’s, whether I’m imagining it. And my past trauma is magnifying. It, which trauma does it acts as a magnifier amplifier? Um, on something we might be picking up. Um, like I might feel that they won’t be happy with me for not like coming through for them.
[00:35:08] Yeah. Um, But my trauma will make it, like, they’ll leave me. And this is, I think part of emotional freedom is to acknowledge when we’re amplifying right. A feeling. Yeah. And sometimes when we just really accurate, like, so I’d like to do a tapping. That includes, yeah. I think that’s brilliant. Yeah. Good idea.
[00:35:29] Um, um, even though I’m pretty sure they’re gonna punish me, even though I’m pretty sure they’re gonna punish me. They have, in the past they have, in the past, they expect me to be pleasing to them. They expect me to be pleasing to them. And that pulls me into being a people pleaser. And that pulls me into being a people pleaser.
[00:35:47] And I hate it and I hate it and I hate it. I hate it, but they are likely to make it hard on me, but they’re likely to make it hard on me, even though sometimes I think it’s gonna go worse than it does even though sometimes I think it’s gonna go worse than it does. It’s it’s uncomfortable. It’s uncomfortable.
[00:36:10] It’s still uncomfortable for me. It’s still uncomfortable for me. And I accept that’s where I am and I accept. That’s where I am. And I’m open to becoming a bit more calm and confident and I’m open to becoming a bit more confident, confident, love ahead, but they’ll punish me. They will punish me eyebrow.
[00:36:31] They know how to punish me. They know how to punish for me side of the eye that look that look end of the eye, those words, those words under the nose, their anger. They’re anger then they’re pouted. They’re pouted called on their silence, their silence. I’m the arm. I don’t like being punished. I don’t like being punished.
[00:36:55] It’s really uncomfortable for me. It’s really uncomfortable for me up of the head. And I’m, I’m realizing I need limits. I’m realizing I need limits in order to be pleasing for me in order to be pleasing for me. So one of the things,
[00:37:22] yeah, one of a moment for that. Okay. With people I feel safe with, I will tell them that I have been noticing that I’m agreeing with them. What I don’t mean to I’ve been doing things that don’t feel an integrity. I will out myself. And I’ll say I’m really working on being more authentic to you. I try to tune it into a positive for both of us.
[00:37:41] I’m gonna try, I’m doing my best to be more authentic with, with in this relationship. I care about you and I want to be more real with you. So I’m going to start noticing, and I may correct myself if I agree with you and notice, I didn’t mean to a minute later, I might go, oh, I’m noticing that didn’t feel really good in my body.
[00:38:00] I don’t actually agree with everything you just said. Um, so with that, Rick is someone. I might be able to say that to my mother. I don’t know that I would say that to her. Um, so I’m not saying it’s a universal solution, but with people where there’s trust, asking them to help you. Asking them to notice.
[00:38:19] Like I will sometimes when I’m in a very Fony and I’ll do this also, if I’m excited about something, but I will nod a lot when I’m in a kind of Fony mood, I’ll sit there and like, yeah, Uhhuh, Uhhuh, and I’m not actually tuning into myself. I’m just like hoping they feel really happy. So I’ve asked some of my, the people that I do this to, I have one particular friend.
[00:38:38] I do this a lot with I’ve said, if you notice this, would you point it? I’ve asked them actually to help me with it. And that was really beautiful because now he’s much better at like going, did you really mean that or were you, you know, kind of in that pleasing space and that was like for having that help back, it feels like I have permission and encouragement to be more real.
[00:39:00] And our relationship has gotten so much better. Like so much better, um, with other people you may not feel safe doing that. And one of the things that we haven’t kind of addressed is what if they pull support back from you. So like, you know, if, if there’s someone that’s always expected us to please them, but they’ve given us a little bit of support through the years, or they’ve been kind of there for us.
[00:39:23] If we stop being that people pleaser, are they going to turn our photos to the wall? Are they gonna stop supporting us back? That can feel really frightening, especially if there’s someone that we’ve since childhood needed support from, or if they’re they’re big in our world, like a boss or someone that has power over how well we do.
[00:39:42] Um, someone asked if we could tap on the, the belief that I won’t be able to find new resources, connections make, uh, make, and I’ve got permission from them to, to invite them forward. Wonderful. Okay. Great. Hi guys. Hi everyone. Hey everyone. Are you gonna leave this way? Yeah. Um, so I’m curious, your, your question was about like the belief that I won’t be able to find new resources, connections make new friends.
[00:40:20] Um, yeah, as in, since sorry, go on. Well, I, I’m curious, kind of as a first check in, um, is there a resistance to that because. That you’re concerned that you might be, have to be a people pleaser. Like sometimes we can believe that, oh, I can’t find friends when actually it’s protecting us from having those kinds of friends.
[00:40:48] You know, the ones that you have to sacrifice yourself in order to even have the friendship, have the connection and that that’s so repulsive that it even blocks the possibility of going out. Do you think that that’s at all at work here? Yeah, I hadn’t thought of that, but ha not something that’s obvious to me.
[00:41:10] Um, the way I was thinking about it was, I mean, I can see that now that you’ve said it. Um, and um, I guess all I was thinking was in terms of that, doing that sort of cap revolution type in the sense of, so it’s been my experience that I haven’t made more friends with that deeper spiritual, philosophical intellectual connection.
[00:41:47] So, so I it’s, it’s compounding the belief that I can’t create those. Types of new friendships or I can’t create those types of friendships without what I mean, there’s 8 billion people on the planet, right? Like, yeah. By the law of large numbers and the fact that you and I are connected across half that planet right now.
[00:42:16] I know. Um, so that’s silly rationally well, yeah, so that’s, that’s what we do here is we look at, okay, this is silly rationally, so there’s probably an emotional. Um, I heard the, like the difficulty of not connecting with people when we’ve tried is one thing, but for today’s workshop, we’re talking about people pleasing and boundaries.
[00:42:39] Mm mm. So like what’s a, what’s a boundary that you think would be attractive to someone like you for like I’m offering this boundary. And how about you? Is that a kind of boundary that you would like that would be mutually pleasing?
[00:43:01] Well,
[00:43:06] do you mean, do I feel like I have the ability to say that to someone that I dunno very well in order to deepen things? Cause that sounds.
[00:43:19] Well, like it is outside of my, um, saying it is different, first of all, being aware of it and being grounded in it. So in, for example, um, here’s something that’s really true for me. I, I want to say to you, um, we’re getting to know each other and I just want you to know that if I say yes to you, um, that’s a yes.
[00:43:43] And I, if I say no to you, it, it doesn’t mean that I I’m, I’m just taking care of myself and really what I wanna offer you bites you and really express how important it is. I want you, when you’re with me to say yes, only to those things that are. Yes, I am totally okay with no, thank you for taking care of yourself.
[00:44:07] I just love that. If someone said that to me, I’d be like, bam. We’re right there. We’re right there. That’s awesome. So I’d love to be able to say, and I’ve said it’s a lot smoother than that with friendships but here’s the thing I’m with you. I want, I want a few more cafes in my life, right? Like. Different flavors, different people.
[00:44:31] I’m really blessed professionally to have you. And so many other familiar faces and some new people here with us, um, in the workshop. And I’ve noticed that if I say something like, Hey, how good are you at saying no to someone? You know? And I say it with a little look on my face, the little impishness, you know, and I’ve had friends look at me like, uh, uh um, okay, well, just to let you know, I love it when people say.
[00:45:10] I, I want a relationship that’s based upon us not doing things that aren’t a yes for us. So if it’s a yes for you and you say yes, um, I’m gonna trust you. I’m gonna trust that. It’s a, yes. You can change your mind. Course. Mm-hmm . Um, and, um, let’s practice saying no, now I I’ve done this and I’ll tell you in a 15 minutes of getting to know someone, maybe I’ve known them at a dance or something like that.
[00:45:36] And we got together for tea, but because this is so pleasing to me and it lets me be pleasing. I love to please people. So if I ask them, Hey, would you like to go out for, for lunch? One of my friends who I had this conversation with said, no, not planning to have lunch with you. Oh, you.
[00:46:03] It helped our relationship because yeah. Right. It’s the pleasing boundary, which is our third point here. So do you think now that we’ve kind of framed this as like, oh, this would, as I play around with this, this could bring me closer. Do you think that you could communicate that in your own words to someone that you were getting to know felt like there was, I’d like to this, that could be, could we tap on that because that’s yeah, that’s right.
[00:46:34] Not something, yeah. That’s not something I’m completely a yes at right now, but I’d love it. If someone said that to me, so I’d love to be able to do it, so. Okay. What would, what would be uncomfortable for you to initiate that kind of, I think it’s that boundary. I think it’s that thing that we were just talking about in terms of people, sometimes people react, some people, some people would burn the photos, right.
[00:46:57] And, and, or have some kind of, some people, it seems to me, a lot of people seem to need it’s like you there’s needs to be an agreement about everything. I mean, I’m an you, I was a philosophy student. That’s the last thing I want in a friendship is agreement on everything. But it does seem to be, yeah. Did I get off track in my answer there?
[00:47:24] I think I followed you. I, I think that there’s some resistant, uh, I heard, I think Re’s of the, to having agreements on everything and then there’s, it’s, it’s it’s because my, my lack of sort of ease in saying something like that to someone might be because of their, some kind of unwanted response was my answer.
[00:47:44] Yeah. Maybe because of what. Like some kind of unwanted, aggressive response in my direction. Yeah. Like right child. Yeah. Even, even though I can imagine, even though I can imagine, and I’ve had some experience with this, had some experience with this, not everyone’s so delighted with healthy boundaries, not everyone is delighted with healthy boundaries discussion,
[00:48:20] and that’s really useful information to get early and that’s yeah, really good information to get and useful information to get early in getting to know someone I’ve. But it may not be pleasing to them, but it may not be pleasing to them. And their reaction might not be pleasing to me. protection mode, isn’t it?
[00:48:44] Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Uhhuh and being in protection mode is not gonna take me deeper and being in protection mode, isn’t gonna take me deeper side of the eye. It would be pleasing to me to hear those words. It’d be pleasing to me to hear those words. I’d have a great reaction. I’d have a great reaction. I’d have a great reaction to that.
[00:49:10] My reaction would feel so good to me. My reaction to that would good.
[00:49:23] That’s and that’s nice picture. Yeah. And that’s actually what I’m looking for and that’s what I’m looking for. Call on. That’s what I’m open to. That’s what I’m open to I’m I’m not wanting to have to please. Someone’s what, what would you call it if they had a negative reaction to, just to that kind of consent introduction?
[00:49:51] Um, I’m not looking for. Adverse adverse reactions. Is that yeah. What you’re meaning? Yep. Not looking for adverse reactions. exactly. I’m not looking for someone who reacts adversely to consent. Mm yeah. Or a deeper understanding of yes and no. Uh, and authenticity Uhhuh and selfcare and we care selfcare yeah.
[00:50:21] Yeah. Uhhuh. Oh, I’m discovering a filter here that I really like discovering a really great filter here’s to. Yeah. There’s a lot of people out there. It just even seems like if they have a negative reaction, it’s a little stop sign by the universe going, this is not your person go look elsewhere. Yeah.
[00:50:42] Yeah. I guess it’s the, it’s the, there’s the, where I am now versus the me who does that. There’s a gap between at the moment. I’m not sure. Yeah. As I, I guess it’s I realized that’s what were tapping then in some kind of protection mode. And what I wanna be in is like an explorative mode or curious mode is yeah.
[00:51:05] Curious mode. Like when I started, I didn’t have a lot of words. I just it’s felt so important to me that the person have a no. And if they didn’t have a no. I needed to know. And so I just said, it’s, it’s really important to me, to you have a, no, like if I ask you to, you know, mow my yard, you don’t want to, are you gonna do it anyway?
[00:51:36] Cause you know, that’s what, that’s what you do. And now we resentment in our relat. Yeah. So, so that’s where, um, you can start with just simple questions. Um, that invite invite something of the exploration of love limits. I will never feel safe and I will need to protect myself with someone who I don’t feel I can say no to.
[00:52:05] And I will never feel safe and feel like I need to protect myself and limit depth with someone who doesn’t have a, no,
[00:52:19] I will say that for me at this point. If I’m getting to know someone and I can’t have that conversation because I’ve had that conversation with the people in my life who I’m closest to every single one of 'em I’ve had a version of that conversation with, um, if I can’t either I’m not ready for depth, just gonna keep it social to like, get a better sense for them, or they’re actually not safe.
[00:52:50] And my perimeter brain is like, you know, mm, no, this is we’ve got enough information yeah, right. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, that’s good. Because that gives me the sense I got enough information. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And maybe I’m doing that partly and maybe. There’s also some room to grow, so, yeah. Yeah. Thank you so much.
[00:53:16] Thank you. Um, so we’re, we’re at, uh, the break point, Kathy, does that, you wanna lead us into the, our little break, maybe do a little, we have some good things to cover and we come back and mm-hmm . Yeah. And thanks for stepping forward to tap with us. I think that’s, it helps give some substance to this too, besides us sharing.
[00:53:38] So thank you. Yeah. So we’re gonna pause the, um, the recording. If you’re listening to the replay. Hi, it’s so good to have you with us in a time, uh, time space, uh, warp here, and we invite you to take a break too. Um, and pause the recording. We’ll be back in seven minutes. Okay. Welcome back. Ha and there was a comment.
[00:54:06] Oh, sorry, go ahead. Oh, before we get into the next section and just someone said that sometimes people will leave our lives or cut us off if we start taking care of ourselves and setting boundaries. And I wanna say that that can happen. Um, one of the things I like to do is start with baby steps. If you haven’t had a lot of practice saying no to people, you don’t have to say no to like really big things right away.
[00:54:29] You can start practicing with smaller things or saying, Hmm, I see what you’re saying, but I also think this might be true. Like we don’t have to dive in the deep end with, especially with people that are very reactive or that might have a really strong reaction. We do wanna kind of push our comfort zones a little around it and we wanna start speaking up, but we don’t have to, like, we don’t have to start with a person we think is gonna.
[00:54:52] Write us out of their lives right away, if we’re not ready for that. Um, so just, I just wanna emphasize that this can be, we don’t have to dive in the deep end of the pool. We can start on the shallow end. Um, and there may be people that, that are really angry about us speaking up and doing this. They may, they may write us out and we do our, our being in this world.
[00:55:16] How in a healthy way means that we take care of our own needs too. Like it’s a yes. And, and we’ll talk a little bit more about that in the next section, so, right. And someone said, if I have a history with someone it’s harder to say no than with people. Yeah. And history can be, you know, we’ve, we’ve got rapport.
[00:55:33] I love you. We have an emotional bank account that’s, you know, growing and I don’t wanna do anything to upset and unsettle that. And, and honestly, there’s a wide range of things that Kathy could ask of me. That would be a yes. Just like, of course for you, or it might be not, how can we do it tomorrow instead of tonight, I’m I’m really tired tonight.
[00:55:53] Right. Right. And so with people that I have, um, like my nature. Is is to feel the no inside me and then ask, well, what is a yes for me? And the yes. Can be asserting a boundary and the yes. Can be, um, like, Hmm. Well, what would be a yes for me is, um, to talk tomorrow. Does that work for you? What would be a yes for me is to send you three names of people that, um, could be supportive for you professionally, that you might hire.
[00:56:34] And when I asked for a website, I asked Rick to help me in a website and he is like, that’s a big project. I just don’t have the bandwidth for right now. I was like, okay. Yes. For, I feel a little sad, but it’s, he Def absolutely gets cuz he is so good at it. Um, so that, that’s a, that’s a reflection that, um, as someone who enjoys being pleasing and I do like I actually, my mind works toward finding alternatives.
[00:57:03] The, the tapping has really helped instead of being in a primitive brain, I don’t wanna be a people pleaser and that would be a sacrifice for me. no, like I don’t have to do that. I can be like, well, yeah, I could choose to sacrifice here. Um, or, you know, I could offer some alternatives. Um, if they’re coming to me or just say, Hmm, I’m really, I’m really attuned to myself right now.
[00:57:33] And that just does not feel like a yes for me, as much as I care about you. Mm-hmm you see? Like Kathy said, sometimes that’s not pleasing. That’s not what we wanted to hear, but I also, I’m really glad that Rick will speak up because then I feel safe asking him and some people are sharing. Like, so for some of my family, it’d be like talking out, like I was talking a different language, um, or that I’ve had long term relationship.
[00:58:00] We get in a rhythm with people and we have that rhythm of them being our lives. And we’re acting a certain way. That’s really hard, but we can model something even better where there’s a deep trust. I’ve got other people I’m like, are you sure you wanna do this? Like I do. I doubt them because they’ve never practiced.
[00:58:17] They’ve never really stood up for themselves. So I don’t trust their word versus I, I feel very safe asking as long as I’m like, do you have room for me to make a request? Like if he’s really busy or something, I don’t wanna interfere, but otherwise I can. I feel like I could ask him anything. and I trust his word.
[00:58:34] I trust that he’s not gonna give something. That’s not a yes for him, that resentment will build up in that relationship. So while it may feel very awkward, when we first introduce this new way of being with other people, realize you’re at least giving them the opportunity to learn something new you’re modeling, something that they may ne never seen before.
[00:58:52] And the relationship where there’s not resentment between people is very, very nice. Like I grew up where there was always resentment and hidden, like, and gossip and manipulation and, and guilt. And I don’t wanna live that way anymore. So like you, you are by being somewhat different with other people while they may be uncomfortable or bewildered, you might be offering them a doorway to something that’s really beautiful.
[00:59:20] So this is, this is the, really the third key is that like pleasing boundaries, what are pleasing boundaries? Well, they start, of course, with what’s pleasing to you. And we touched on that, um, where it’s like, oh, it’d be so pleasing to me to hear that. And just knowing and experimenting and playing around with, well, what would be, what would I like to hear?
[00:59:45] You know, Hey, I, I want you to feel free of obligation, no matter how much you end up thinking, I am just the dearest heart that you, you know, would love to do as much for as possible, please. No, you’re never obligated. Even come to my birthday party or whatever. Um, you start thinking about like, how do you wanna free people up and ask for that for yourself?
[01:00:13] You know, say, say it for yourself too. It’s it’s like renegotiating. Now there are some people that someone noted. Um, I realized I was in a friendship that didn’t feel so right. And I was wondering why I didn’t leave. Part of staying in the friendship was because it was too hard and scary to say no and leave.
[01:00:34] Now Kathy said baby steps. Like that can be part of like the first thing is right. Distance, right. Depth where you start the process of decoupling, um, and create some distance. Um, I mean you create other friends who you’re not relying on that one person so much might feel less scary. Yeah. And, and in our, in the thriving now.center, um, you might want to, uh, search for right distance, right depth, because we start talking about like, finding that, um, you know, to say no, and leave is a very binary kind of primitive brain.
[01:01:11] Okay. It’s time to flee. And that may not be for many of us. Actually where we want to land, we wanna land in something that is perhaps less intimate, less deep, less frequency, a little more distant that the right distance and right depth are in a different place. So, um, pleasing boundaries, um, even just considering that cuz boundaries often have this sense of wall or, um, you know, that it’s, it’s a hard limit.
[01:01:45] Boundaries can be very dynamic and based upon like where your energy is, what what’s a yes for you, what matters to you right now, most where are you wanting to put your time and energy? And if it’s pleasing to you to, to engage that way, that’s a real clue. And your primitive brain will start picking up on that.
[01:02:06] Say, oh, the boundary allows me to clarify and focus. The, it allows you to co. Without resentment, as Kathy said, a, a relationship where resentment is minimalized, minimized, not minimalized, minimized, um, and cleaned up, right? Like the kind of thing where, Hey, you know, this isn’t on you, but I just wanna reflect that the other day, when you asked me to do this, I just said, yes, cuz you’re my buddy.
[01:02:41] And it actually, wasn’t a yes for me. And, uh, I just wanted to, to let you know that in general, if, um, uh, if you want to, to get clear guidance from me, um, when you say something like, Hey, would it be a yes for you to pick me up at the airport rather than, Hey, I’m coming in at 4:00 AM pick, uh, you know, why don’t you pick me up like that?
[01:03:06] Doesn’t. Feel like it’s a spacious, but it’s on me. I, I said, yes. And you know, when we clean up relationships, we get to co-create and we get to be clearer. And our, and our buddies, and can get to really feel the clarity of our yes. In a way that they probably have not experienced before the same. Yes.
[01:03:31] That’s from obligation. Cuz you’re coming from your primitive brain. Oh, I have to be pleasing to this person cuz they’re my, they’re my one dear friend or they’re my dear friend. I need to do that because that’s what I feel. Oh, I have to do, but you know, 95% of the stuff I would do anyway and that’s to me where I get to live as a pleasing person, without the obligation of being a perfect edit.
[01:03:58] Um, and the freedom to. To be clear. Yeah. No, I, I love that. And I think that it’s, it’s really, one of the things we talked about is to notice when you’re saying plea, when you’re, when you’re green with someone or saying yes. Notice if you feel that you have the choice. One of the things I did with one client, that was a yes.
[01:04:20] Everything was yes. All the time. I had her talk to a couple friends that she was close to, she felt comfortable with. Um, and I, and I said, I would like you to agree with them that you’re gonna answer no to everything they ask you first. You can change your mind in a minute. Um, go ahead. Yeah. Um, thanks, Rick.
[01:04:43] Um, so like, so for a couple days, that was the rule and they would be funny about it. They’re like, can I give you a million dollars? And she’d have to say no. And like, it. When we can laugh about it and play with it. Our survival brain starts feeling so scared of it. So by practicing a few days, like, and then her friends would say, I’d like, you they’d even say this.
[01:05:03] I want you to say no first to what this, like, if they had a bigger request, I’d like you to say no first. And then if you want to change your mind, you can so that there was like, it took away that knee jerk. So if it feels like you must, you need to say yes, you’re probably not making a choice. That’s good for you.
[01:05:22] You’re not looking at yourself in the equation on the balance sheet. So I just, I, I like to offer that cuz they had so much fun with that and they felt really close and that they started building a really honest relationship. So. Yeah, we we’re gonna cycle back around to this, this aspect of the real skill of, of engaging and deepening in co-creation.
[01:05:45] I, you know, self care, the core of this is honoring and, and shifting your primitive brain so that it knows that it’s got some choices and being aware that it’s healthy and good to have limits, whether you always can articulate them and speak them aloud or not. If you’re aware, like, okay, I’m going past my limit here.
[01:06:10] Uh, it gives you something that you could work with a buddy with a professional, like, oh, I noticed I have a limit and I went beyond it. Uh, cuz we know that we do that. And in the retrospect. You can, you can actually, re-craft a different pathway, different languaging, different like pausing, taking a powerful pause.
[01:06:33] Another one of the workshops that we did, um, very, very useful for people, pleasers, reforming into pleasing people. , um, you know, finding that balance, uh, taking a powerful pause, making that part of your dynamic. So, um, we have a volunteer, um, Nicole. Hi, can you hear me? I can. And, um, you, uh, would you be open to working with Kathy for this tapping?
[01:07:09] Yeah, sure. And, and Kathy, uh, and for everyone, you know, Nicole is, is described a bunch of this, but I’m wondering Nicole, if there’s a, a, a few sentences about the inner conflict that you have around pleasing and being pleased and how that sits in your body. Yes. So I guess I feel, uh, when I’m with somebody that I care about quite a lot.
[01:07:38] Yeah. Um, I feel this desperate need to please them at the same time, as I feel like I cannot please them. Like, I kind of refuse to please them and I feel really stuck and frozen and kind of trapped around my inability to please them. Okay. Also that feeling of like, I wouldn’t even, I don’t even think they would actually be pleased by what I would do so that I’m not gonna do it.
[01:08:06] And at the same time, I also feel like, well, I’m not pleased either. Like I’m not pleased with what’s happening and I don’t feel like I can ever be pleased. So I don’t feel like they will ever be pleased. this whole noisy mess. Um, what do you feel in your body? You said you feel frozen. There’s a freeze response, but how do you experience that conflict?
[01:08:28] Is there a tension or heat or cold or? Yeah, so I feel a lot of heat in my throat and tension in my chest and stomach. Okay. My feet feel quite cold. Okay. And often when I’m feeling like that, I also feel quite nauseous and sick in my stomach. Okay, wonderful. So I’m gonna invite you to tap along and, uh, and repeat the words back and you’re welcome to modify them.
[01:08:54] If something lands differently for you. so crowd chop, even though I have this inner conflict, even though I have this inner conflict, boy, is it noisy, boy, is it really noisy? I really wanna please, this person, I really want to please this person and I’m not sure I can, and I’m pretty sure I can’t, I’m not sure I can please myself either.
[01:09:20] I’m not sure I can please myself either. And all this noise means I’m not really present with this person at all. And all of this noise means I’m not present with this person at all. I’m not even getting to enjoy the friendship I have with them. I’m not even getting to enjoy the friendship I have with them, and I’d really like to resolve this.
[01:09:40] And I would really like to resolve this top of the head, all the center conflict, all of this inner conflict eyebrow. I learned it from somewhere. I learned it from somewhere. Side of the eye. Maybe when I was a child, maybe when I was small under the eye, maybe there was a mom or dad that I wanted to make happy.
[01:10:02] Pretty sure I wanted to make my mom and dad happy under the nose. And maybe they didn’t receive that very well. And they definitely didn’t receive that very well chin. So I learned that I’m not good at pleasing people. So I learned that I’m not good at pleasing anyone collarbone. So I send love back to that little child.
[01:10:23] So I send love back to my inner child under the arm. I was really doing my best. I was really doing my best, really, really doing my best top of the head. And they were just grumpy, grumpy people. And they were just pretty rage, eyebrow. No wonder that poor kid couldn’t make them happy. No wonder that poor kid couldn’t make them happy side of the eye.
[01:10:51] I invite that inner child to notice I’m not with my parents anymore. I invite my inner child to notice that I’m not with my parents anymore. Under the eye. When I was little, the game was rigged. When I was little, the game was rigged under those, there was no way to win. There was no way to win chin. No wonder if she feels nauseous and frozen, no wonder she feels nauseous and frozen collarbone.
[01:11:16] There was no way to win. There was no way to win under the arm. And now I’m with people that might be a little different. And now I’m with people that might be a little bit different top of the head. Some of them, I might even be willing to say, I feel really frozen, right? This moment. Some of them, I might even be willing to say, I feel really frozen right now.
[01:11:41] Eyebrow. I’m afraid that you can’t be pleased by anything. I. I’m afraid that you can’t be pleased by anything that I do side of the eye. I’m afraid. There’s nothing I can do. That’s right. I’m afraid. There’s nothing I can do. That’s right under the eye. And the only thing I know to do is be authentic with you.
[01:12:00] And the only thing I know how to do is be authentic with you under the nose. Hopefully that might be a little pleasing. Hopefully that might be a little pleasing chin and it’s really true. And it’s really true collarbone. I can notice that I feel frozen and scared. I can notice that I feel frozen and scared under there.
[01:12:22] What if I just stay with that feeling for a moment? And what if I just stay with that feeling for a moment top of the head and realize the people that caused me to feel that way aren’t here. and realize that the people that caused me to feel this way are not here right now. Just take a breath and see if you can imagine doing that.
[01:12:50] What does, if you imagine that, what, what, what is coming up for you? If I imagine speaking that authentically yeah. With the person that you felt safe with, I’m not just talking about random humans in your.
[01:13:06] Yeah. I feel like
[01:13:12] there are people that I know who understand that languaging and would be like, yeah. Okay. And maybe they have nothing to say either. And I have nothing to say and we just kinda sit there, but yeah, it’s kind of, kind of, okay. Yeah. I, I think if, if someone said that to me, I’d be like, wow, that sounds really vulnerable.
[01:13:33] I really appreciate you sharing that. So I know what’s going on for you. Um, it doesn’t mean I can definitely fix it, but I can just acknowledge that, which is probably different than your parents would’ve reacted. Yeah. Yeah. Um, I, I think often when we’re in that frozen state, especially if there’s like pressure or heat in our throat, we wanna say something there’s like a, our system wants to express something.
[01:13:57] Let, let it be different than it used to be. and you may have some old grief and anger for about your parents that you may, may wanna do some tapping on as well. Yeah. Cause that sounds really tough for a little kid to be around people that just aren’t willing to be pleased. They’re just like angry and rageful and venting on anyone who’s near them.
[01:14:21] Yeah. So how does your, how does the nausea and the, the inner conflict feel right now?
[01:14:32] I think there’s a little bit less tension in my chest. Okay. I still feel like tension in my throat and a little bit something lower in my stomach, but okay. Let’s just do another round if that’s okay. Rick, can we take another, another Crowdy chop, even though I still have this inner conflict? Even though I still have this inner conflict and I acknowledge the tension in my body and I acknowledge the tension and stress in my body.
[01:15:00] Great. These are just sensations that I’m feeling. These are just sensations that I’m feeling. They’re just feelings, they’re just feelings and I’m actually okay. And I’m actually, okay. I can give space to these sensations. I can give space to these sensations and acknowledge they come from from really tough situations and acknowledge that they come from really tough situations that aren’t happening right now that are not happening right this minute, top of the head, all this internal conflict, all of this internal conflict eyebrow, that poor little kid, that poor little kid side of the eye, sweetheart.
[01:15:41] Thank you for doing as much as you could. Sweetheart. Thank you for doing so much more than you could. Yeah. Under the eye, no one could do better in that situation. Nobody could do better in that situation under the nose. And we got out and we got out chin, you did it, you did it. Collar bone. You got us through that.
[01:16:04] You got us through that under the arm. And these are different people and these are different people top of the head. Maybe we don’t have to feel quite so scared. Maybe we don’t have to feel quite so scared. Just take a breath and maybe put your hand on your heart and send some love to that little, that younger self that was like, that would be so confusing and overwhelming, like wanting to please wanting to help and nothing worked.
[01:16:31] No wonder there’s a lot of in inner conflict around that. Yep. What are you noticing right now? That’s
[01:16:44] a bit easier to breathe. That’s a nice thing. My head feels lighter. Good. Yeah. One thought I had is either in a, in Rick has the group calls or, um, like if you feel safe to do it, um, an empty chair exercise that’s really useful is maybe put one of your parents in a chair and imagine you’re talking to them and just tap through the points while you tell them what you’re feeling.
[01:17:10] When you think about this, you might have grief, you might have anger, you might have fear if you just tap and tell them whatever you’re noticing in the moment, I feel scared to tell you this I’m angry that you couldn’t ever notice my efforts that nothing was ever good enough that can sometimes clear a big chunk of it.
[01:17:28] Yeah. Okay. Yep. So, and if you need support, make sure you get some support, either in a group call or a coaching session. Yes. Yeah, really. Thank you so much for sharing this. I really admire your courage. Thanks. Yeah. Ha
[01:17:46] and thank you all. Thank you all so much because you know, I think about dynamics that would be pleasing to me and to be able to engage with people and where both people are aware like, oh, well, it’s pleasing for me to do this and be this. And it’s pleasing for me to do this and be this, but this is a gap.
[01:18:10] Like I actually can’t listen to that. And so I want to, I want to have a pleasing boundary, you know, to be able to, to co-create and relate in that way.
[01:18:28] It, isn’t where we can interact with everyone. When you though we’re cultivating this inside of yourself and you’re noticing where it’s, it’s not there in degrees, but you, as you meet new people and you engage with them, you start including some of this language. It is a new language, you know, it’s like
[01:18:52] and you’re like, what, oh, you, you start tuning into people that really like to be pleasing with healthy boundaries. That like, that appreciate moments where they don’t have to always be, um, happy. They can be in a grumpy mood and you can find a pleasing mutual boundary. That serves you even, this is really amazing work and it sets the stage for co-creating in a way that, um, I, I love, I have it in my life.
[01:19:28] I look forward to more. I invite you to explore with us in our circle of how this works, thriving now.com/circle is where you can learn more about that. Um, this is what we get together to do is to explore, um, these types of things and to cultivate these skills and to share them with the new friends and loved ones that we want to bring into our life.
[01:19:53] Yes. Yeah. I just really appreciate you all, please. If you can give yourself a moment to recognize your own courage in showing up on a difficult topic that a lot of people just avoid, you showed up. We don’t often acknowledge our own courage. and this is, it does take courage to talk, to share the people that shared the people that shared it in the comment.
[01:20:15] And if you were just here letting yourself experience this, you rock seriously, you are making a difference in the world. And I hope you can let that in. Mm-hmm thank you all. Thank you, Kathy. Yeah. And guess what, we’re doing another real skills workshop we do two month. Um, you’re probably gonna get an email tomorrow about, uh, the next one, which will be on, um, less than a week from now.
[01:20:39] So yeah, Sunday. Good. Goodnight, everyone.

We covered…

  • The primitive brain’s Fawn reaction – I better please them to survive!
  • Can they be pleased?
  • I can’t be all that for you right now.
  • The desperate NEED to please them
  • Inner conflicts around pleasing and being pleased
  • Pleasing Boundaries! (For you, and mutual pleasure)

Resources Mentioned

  1. Free EFT Tapping Guide

  2. Thriving Now Emotional Freedom Circle - Includes all Real Skills Workshops!

Great to have you on this journey with us!

3 Likes

Such a powerful session. Haven’t finished it yet and also thinking I will do this one twice. When Cathy said the part about jumping to help even people who were mean to her,that resonated. Understanding that i have a well-developed pleaser muscle due to childhood survival strategies helps me be more conscious of my choice. Also helps to consider being of service to others and MYSELF at the same time. So good.

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I certainly can relate to this. When I was a child having corrective surgeries they kept me in the hospital for almost a week. That was their policies back then. But they also let me walk around with a water pitcher and let me fill up other patient’s water glasses. I got so much praise for being so helpful and so brave. It felt good and I wanted to do more and get more praise. Being thanked and helping still feels good but not when I don’t feel like helping or when I just want to be left alone. Lots to learn and practice here for sure.

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I love the image of little @Angelsloveyou walking around with a pitcher helping people. So cute. Inspires me to visualize a little Dru doing similar things. Maybe picturing little me or you also helping big me and you as one of the people whose glass needs filling (first). Hmmm.

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That is so sweet!!! I have tears and it is a big YES :heart:

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A skill around People Pleasing needs “posture” around those who are not actually pleased. This one is incredibly empowering.

It respects that the person unpleased is correct – for them.

It clarifies that someone asserting that it (or you) isn’t right for ANYONE else is absurd, laughable even, especially if YOU like it and YOU like YOU.

Better Boundaries for Thriving.

2 Likes