Run away! Now!… that might be something I wish I was told when I was young. “Run away! It’s not safe here!”
I still remember how when I was little, I did something wrong (dropped a bowl of noodles, lied to my mum or bought toys without her permission), and mum would be ready to hurt me with her piercing words. There was nowhere else to go but to just, face the music. “Deal with it, they’re your parents”, or from what I used to learn, “honour your fathers and your mothers”. Thanks to all that teachings, I’ve blurred out the meanings between safe boundaries and growth, and that going into an unsafe or challenging situation is always going to grow you, discipline you and toughen you up.
That then locked in the reality that suffering = growth because the world reflected positive impressions of me toughening up (like how my cell group used to tell me that I’m growing in my struggles, encouraging to keep fighting on, and how the Bible reaffirmed my struggle with all the examples of those that suffered for Christ).
And one of the hardest part came when I was told that my parents “shouldn’t” divorce cause it was against God’s will. And I was told by my paternal relatives that I need to be the “instrument of God” to help mend their relationships back. Even in the peak of their marriage disaster or unworkability, I have to at least “try” to make things work out, and make sure they never decide to divorce.
And I was so scared…because my family was all a part of “sin”, and I shouldn’t be “living” in a part of sin.
So I had to basically live in my dangerously volatile situation of my broken family. In hopes that I can help to “fix” it all. Else if I didn’t even try, I would be perpetuating their broken “sinful “ situation, and I would be a part of their “sin”.
So I guess this made me who I am. Broken, distraught and the Jun Rong that was stuck in a false hope thinking that things will get better when I fix their problems, and eventually it doesn’t. Nothing moves. And I get so disappointed… and put it on myself to be blamed.
And now, I’m just happy that I have decided to finally give up on it all, and decide to take care of myself. My current verdict is that if they want to continue being where they are, then so be it. It’s about time that I learn to take care of myself when all this while I’ve been told what to do, who to be, and how I should feel about my own personal issues… and maybe. Just maybe, I can entertain more and more the possibility that I can run the fuck away from all these and live the life that I truly want to live.
(P.s. I know this is religious stuff, and I don’t know everyone here. And I’ve been hurt by what christianity has bought to me. I’m happy of having this safe space to air my thoughts and am super grateful for @Rick for managing all these spaces. So if you’re a religious/ a christian, Pls respect that this is my journey and I choose to own it in that way).