Well, emotionally, I’m moving out from my parents. Theoretically, I’m going off for a “campus experience” for next semester’s curriculum. I’ll be moving out to a private hostel tomorrow. I’m excited, and at the same time, really scared too! I’ve not seen the place before (cause of covid so no visiting), and am not sure if the environment will be good for cultivating my new “safe space”. It’s finally the first time that I’ll be staying alone, and am honestly excited for this new “emotional freedom”, but also scared if this decision might be the best for me (since it really cost a lot of money out from my own student loan).
Maybe Rick was right about the safe space issue that I need to have. I never really felt safe being at home, and during high school when my mum and dad were at the brink of divorcing, I really really just wish I could get the fuck out of this hellish environment… But there was no way, I was…maybe…just too young to think for myself for leaving.
After so much consideration, tapping and inner work, I can finally start honoring these decisions, and in this case, to stay out of home. I didn’t tell my mum the truth that it is because of her and my dad, cause obviously she’ll freak out again and I just can’t trust her with the truth. So I just told her that it was for the “campus life experience :P”. Regardless, it’s scary. Because this is all new, and perhaps a part of me might have already been comfortable with all these scars and pains that my mum still holds on to. But my soul longs for freedom, for joy away from being “trapped”, even if that’s no having the time to have fun being around my older brother.
(P.S. my 1st new single is out on spotify; Who You think I Am Spotify I’m real happy that through music, I could express a little of my inner chaos, that which plain words might not have done so.)
I listened to your single and cried the whole time. It brought up a lot of feelings in me. I am so glad you could express how you felt in this song. I am so impressed by your music. I am very moved by your single. Thank you for sharing it with us.
Congratulations on your move too! Yes it would be scary but also so much freedom potential for you.
I am so excited by your music, your courage and who you are. I hope you share another song with us when you are ready.
@Angelsloveyou I’m so happy that it resonates with your energies. Through all these support, I perhaps might know that these authentic expressions can help make an impact, and create a new group consciousness in the world that has been surpressed for a long long time… And for sure…! I hope that the courage to create my new song would get easier and easier with more inner work!
Update: Here’s where my room is! It’s small, definitely bigger than if there was someone sleeping beside me! So technically I ordered a double room for a single person! It’s been 2 days and my Fight or Flight is skyrocketing. I expected that my mum would tell me off for my decision to shift to a hostel since my place of stay is so near, and also well, covid… so she kept blaming me for making a “bad” decision to move out. But I think the worst part of her behaviour is that she’d always tell her friends about my decision, and thereafter shame me by sending me their conversations or getting them to shame me directly or “advise” me of a better decision.
I’m sure many can relate, but man… i don’t know if it’s the asian cultures that have it harder but it does feel like a living hell. Despite the inner insanity, I “need” to keep my outer “sanity”, or else people might call me out as weak, shutdown or unfriendly, and my mum would always attribute being “quiet” to being weak, and shame us indirectly in front of her friends.
It’s a familiar feeling, like I’ve had many episodes of massive “setbacks” like these. But now that I’m doing it in an unfamiliar space, it all makes it way harder to untangle… Everytime I exit my door, it feels super scary to walk around and even look at people. But well, I’m thankful that now I have more focus to tap on issues since I have more control over my time now…
To me, there are Shame Families and Shame Cultures.
You happen to be in one / both.
The way they control is through shame, that sense that you ARE wrong, a “wrong person” if you… don’t behave exactly how they tell you to behave, even if they change their minds.
It’s not Emotional Freedom.
And it takes a LOT of energy and courage to exit from that conditioning.
I’ve been thinking a lot about conditioning vs. trauma. Conditioning is where someone evokes the primitive brain’s fear/threat/reward centers over and over and over in order to condition it to be under another person’s control.
YES! This is MY choice. I’m consciously choosing to re-condition myself – so these sensations I have are expected and… welcomed even!
We get conditioned to be “comfortable” in the cage, with the shackles. Out of the cage, our primitive brain has been conditioned to expect the worst. I do not know any other way than through, to allow yourself to be with some discomfort, to go back to your new wonderful nest and calm down, then go out, accept where you are, and perhaps…
Know this is a Big (and Glorious) Deal – to reclaim your life.
I admit I do not know what repercussions you are likely to face. I have had clients disowned by parents when they broke free – and have had to grieve “death” of a relationship long before their parents’ bodies stopped breathing.
I’ve had clients break free, take time away, and come back with a very different attitude – seeing their parents more clearly and in a detached way, with their own fears and foibles and stark limitations.
As we’ve come to hear you, listen to your words and music, and feel your asking… I so honor your courage and clarity in continuing to re-condition yourself towards freedom and self-expression. Be gentle and confident with yourself, as you can. This is worthy work, in my book. Perhaps even will evoke a few songs!
@Jun_Rong YES! YES! YES! I sense you will have the courage to create your songs will get easier and easier. I really admire your courage to create, to feel what you feel, to move out, change your room and all you are doing in spite of the family criticism you are getting. I had to stop seeing my mother for a long time because she was so toxic to me. I never could live up to her expectations and to save myself I had to ignore her. She got mad and had my step father turn all my picture to the wall. I had to save myself and I do not regret it. I don’t know if that helps you or not. Yes you will have to work through it as @Rick says. You can and you are an inspiration for me. Thank you.
Here are my thoughts on your situation. It’s not easy to speak into someone else’s life, especially someone who is from a very different culture. We all really care about you and want the best for you my friend.
There’s lots of shaming happening and that’s unfortunate. I think it’s safe to say that this is one of the ways your mother learned how to love people that are important to her. It’s kind of irrational and illogical but I do believe it’s driven by caring…which in fact makes it even more difficult to deal with undoubtedly.
An important aspect of this, it seems to me, is the unspoken declaration that your ‘shameful’ behaviours and decisions somehow victimize her. I mean look at the state of mind she is in as a result of your choice!!..what you’ve done is SO awful she has to talk to her friends about it!!..what kind of a son would do that to their mother?!! That, in my opinion, is the real damage of shaming of that kind…the implication that you’ve victimized someone who loves you. And of course nothing is further from the truth. That’s a kind of game that’s being played because that’s what she learned…to attempt to shame people into behaviours that support her need to feel ‘calm and confident’. A game played all over the world.
What to do? Be kind and gentle to yourself first and foremost…and be gentle with your thoughts about your mother…recognize that this is an emotional pattern that your mother just runs on ‘auto-pilot’ from her primitive brain…she loves you…she wants what’s best for you…and she doesn’t know how to express those feelings in a way that incorporates and supports emotional freedom for you.
So that makes you primarily in charge of supplying that for yourself in your relationship with her. Can you smile at her and say “It’s okay Mom…I’m doing what is best for me”. And when she argues with that statement (and she will) you restate it again, “I know you’re worried about me Mom…that you love me…and this is the best thing for me at this time.”…and again…and again…and repeat again in different, patient, loving ways each time she challenges your decision…insistent and calm and confident (as possible) that you get to decide for you. Perhaps some good would come of it…???
Just some thoughts. I hope you can get something out of our collective responses of caring that help ‘calm and confident’ you a bit on this part of your emerging journey. Peace.
Beautiful music. Thank you for sharing that. You are going to be okay in this world and you are going places. You are talented, deep, empathetic, and different in the best way. I can relate to the shame family and the use of gossip to try to control. Just keep going. Show them you know what’s best for you by trusting yourself and being okay, whatever that means minute to minute. You have the right to enjoy this life… it is yours… They might see your power and begin to trust it (and maybe claim your victories as their own down the road ) or they won’t, but you get to decide how loud their voices will be in your life. You are not who they think you are.
Thank you Rick! I needed this and this is assuring. It really is the case that there is a need to assimilate to this new environment. It’s perhaps a moment in my life where I can really start exploring who I can or cannot be. I hope that I can also start to see that there are a lot of opportunities to heal as well, and spend a lot more uninterrupted time to tap into reclaiming my life.
Thanks Jean, it does help! I think the struggle and confusion from me comes more from the fact that my mum is actually really helpful to me when I returned home on saturday, she asked me if there’s anything else lacking that I needed for my stay and helped me packed more stuff that I didn’t realise that I need for my stay. I think there’s a specific term for such parental care but I can’t remember what it is! But essentially, one moment she’s shaming me virtually in front of her friends, the next moment, she’s being all caring to me! Logically, I do know she’s operating in a space of lack, and tough love, but it really just throws me off!
Yeah, exactly this @Glenn! It’s such a 2-sided confusion! Even though I can logically understand this, emotionally it’s a hell no!
Yes, Glenn! I guess I’m thankful I’m aware of this awhile back, when I was being shamed for devoting into Christianity, and my mum also shamed me in front of my relatives, and they together tried to coax me to quit since it’s making me seemed I’m too disillusioned or smth…And past christian mentor explained to me that it is her way of finding comfort and support since she could no longer depend on my father and attempts to mend the empty support by holding me and my brother too tightly for her happiness…
And yeah, my mentor told me this too… but I feel like it doesn’t take away the fact that I’m being hurted and feel abandoned by her words many times just because she needs to feel loved by us. Understanding the logicality of her actions doesn’t assure me that things will be fine and I’ll keep enduring because I’ve done that, but what’s resulted of it is even more unbearable hurt that I receive from her, and that’s perhaps why it has finally pushed me to decide to find a temporary solution to leave that painfully negative environment…
Regardless, thanks Glenn, bringing things out to light does make things clearer for me and brings a lot more flow in the energy with regards to this situation!
Thank you Dru, a bit of affirmation did light up a little of my true inner smile… :’)
But sofar, there are a lot of looming fears that I’m afraid I’d need to now, learn to handle on my own, especially anticipating myself talking to more strangers whom aren’t local, and perhaps potentially difficult staff people in the hostel since this is a 2 star hostel. I felt that the mattress were too soft, and I asked for a change in the mattress and nothing happened. I told my mum about it, and was thankful that she understood my struggle in that and offered to help me bring a small mattress there to use instead. I know there perhaps boils down to old trauma and the hurt from dealing with critical and negative reaction from people but I just couldn’t stand firm, knowing that I risk getting told I’m wrong. (actually just tapped on the “I keep judging myself” thriving now script from thriving now blog…!). I just feel ashamed that I can’t even stand up for myself many times when I know that these things are really important to me…
(P.S. Just wanted to say thanks for the comprehensive “textual” support it really means a lot to be able to get an uplift and be heard. I think my mind might’ve been too quick to say things like “nah, you should just tap on it alone, ill be more effective than just sharing it”. Kinda always assume that tapping has more power than the words itself maybe… )