Remember, this isn’t about perfection - it’s about growing your capacity to be genuinely kind while staying true to yourself. As you practice these principles, you’ll find yourself naturally creating more nourishing relationships and a more thriving life.
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Kindness in Action
[00:00:00] Kindness in Action, Inner Strength, Thriving Connections. Hmm. This is a real skills workshop because I’ve noticed that when I’m stressed, even though I really do consider myself a kind person, I’m not always kind. And because kindness matters to me, uh, I, I believe with all my heart that the kindnesses that have been shown to me have brought me closer to people, the good people, some of you have answered.
[00:00:34] My query about what you’d like to see in the workshop. I consider that a kindness. I feel it in my body as a kindness, a way that you’re helping to co create. And we’ve got people here live that will be co creating this, uh, through the chat, but my co creator in person, um, Uh, is Cathy Vartuli from the Intimacy Dojo and Thriving Now.
[00:00:57] And, um, I appreciate all the kindnesses that you’ve shown me over the years, and I am deeply interested in exploring this because I, I really believe that kindness as a an energy is so beneficial for thriving, not just for ourselves, but our sense of belonging, our sense of safety, our sense of respect for one another.
[00:01:26] And, uh, it’s non trivial, is it? It’s, it’s actually much more complex than most people think. We can’t just wave our fingers at you, be kind. I’ve had that tried on me. Yes, well and different people have different definitions of kind as well. Um, like what is kind to one person may not be as kind or generous to another.
[00:01:48] Um, it all depends on where we’re coming from and our perspectives. But I was kind of brought up in a family where, especially people that were female, were supposed to be very kind all the time. We were not supposed to yell. We weren’t supposed to like scowl or be angry at people. I wasn’t allowed to say hate until 10.
[00:02:06] I was 10. I mean, we’d whisper it to each other. I hate you when my mom wasn’t listening, but we were supposed to be just so sweet and kind. And It wasn’t authentic a lot of the time. It was like this mask that we had to wear. And for a long time, when I kind of broke free of that, I hated kindness. So I thought like, no, I’m not going to be kind.
[00:02:27] It’s artificial. It’s like too sweet, artificial sugar or something. Um, but as I’ve healed some of those traumas, I’ve realized that we can be kind. There’s ways to be kind in a balanced way that includes that kindness to ourself. Where we don’t have to just keep pouring out to other people in hopes that they’ll think we’re a nice person, and that we’ll be safe in the world.
[00:02:48] But, like, oh, I want to be generous because it feels good to me, because I care about people, I want to ease suffering in some way, or add delay. Um, and I also get to include myself in that, so I get to say, No, I don’t choose to do this. Um, I had a really good friend yesterday ask me to do something and it’s normally something that would be in my wheelhouse and I would do and I’m getting ready for a trip and I just was like, you know, I really love that you can, you could ask.
[00:03:17] I love that you trust me enough to ask and we have a relationship where you can ask that. And that’s not something I want to do right now. And I think she was a little surprised because normally I would say yes, because It’s just something I do easily. And I got to take care of myself and say, you know, in this case, I don’t want to, I don’t want to take that on.
[00:03:34] And, you know, again, I love that we have the French kind of friendship where you can ask for those things, but that was a kindness to me and I didn’t have to be rude to her. In the past, if someone asked me for something that I didn’t want to do, I would blame them. Like, how dare they ask this? They should have known I was busy because I didn’t know how to say no with kindness, with, with empathy.
[00:03:55] Like, Oh, this person would really like this thing. I can normally, I can do it easily, but I don’t choose to expend my energy on that right now when I have other things on my plate. So I can be kind to both the other person in declining and also kind to myself in taking care of my, my energy and time as I’m getting ready for a trip.
[00:04:17] So much in that, and I appreciate that if we look, one of the reasons that we look at this as a skill is that Cathy just outlined, you know, on a way that we go from kind of survival, and. The dominant, whether it’s the dominant culture in a family or in a school or at a workplace, um, and I, I believe that we, we, we can benefit, our energy can benefit by reorienting like, okay, what do I consider kind?
[00:04:57] And how have I been confused? For example, there’s a word in trauma, uh, work called fawn. Fawn. Bite. I hate you. Blight. I’m gonna get away from you and never speak to you again. Uh, freeze, which can be very compliant. And fawn. Of course, I would love to do that for you. And inside, you’re not congruent with that, actually.
[00:05:26] But the perimeter brain says we must comply. This person matters to us for our survival in some way. And, uh, we need to, um, make it sound like, oh, of course, of course, of course, of course, yes, absolutely. Um, and. Cathy didn’t fawn. She didn’t do it to appease the relationship as an adult. And if we’re aware that that’s a something that for survival, there’s a lot of things that we have learned as humans work for survival.
[00:06:11] For example, um, tit for tat works for survival. Reciprocity works for survival. Um, uh, avoiding something bad is. Is really good for survival. Um getting something good by being nice being compliant Um not challenging the king so you get your head cut off That’s really useful. Yes, your majesty. Absolutely your majesty and you know for things that are in my background Yes master Yes, sir Yes Yes to the one above me that I have to you know, I have to behave in a certain way I’m i’m not calling those things kind for me.
[00:06:56] Um, And Cathy said and and I call it self included If an act is coming from a place where i’m included my my yes my needs But also what matters to me and how I want to orient my life. Well now we’re in the realm Of a potential kindness And that’s part of why the subtitle for this workshop is inner strength.
[00:07:25] It doesn’t mean I’m not going to be compliant at times, right? Like we can find ourselves being compliant or being like really rebellious. Um, both can work in my primitive brain, but if, if the, if my four year old is really in a certain mood and I don’t have the energy, I’m just like, Of course, dear, I’d be happy to.
[00:07:54] No, actually, um, what matters to me there is trying to keep the peace and quiet the noise. It’s sort of an energetic survival thing for me. And, uh, yes, of course. Um, and you know, someday maybe she’ll see this workshop or, and I’m certainly we’re going to talk about this because kindness is when we include ourselves in it, we notice that there’s a strengthening we’re nourished.
[00:08:25] Um, when nobody’s looking and I fill. The water, um, the water bottles. Now that is, I’m aware of something and it feels, it feels like an act of kindness to tend to people that I, I care about a random act of kindness can be, you know, I’m just going to wait here and let them, let them move out of the parking lot.
[00:08:58] I’m, I’m going to do that. I’m going to hold back instead of pushing forward to give them more space to, to make the turn. And, uh, or, you know, we all know about random acts of kindness, kindness. There were posters and things like that. But one of the cool things about acts of kindness is that whether it’s in the intimate relationships that we have with our closest kin, uh, Or it extends out.
[00:09:26] My sense is that there’s a strengthening that we feel inside of ourself of being resourced enough, aware enough and capable enough to make contributions, even if we don’t get necessarily something back in return, but we are getting something profound. It means that our environment is thriving because people around us ideally are also in that vibe.
[00:09:52] And what does that mean? It says. Even though it’s not tit for tat, even though there’s just a generosity, there’s a vibe of us tending to one another, we, we are aware, Oh, you know, that other human has their hands full of boxes and that door opens out. I’ll just gladly open it for them. Now that to me is a kindness, even if in their stress and distress, they might flip out and go, what do you think?
[00:10:25] I can’t do it myself. So this is where I want to. early on indicate that one of the real skills that Cathy and I have been teaching for decades now is Am I in my primitive brain? Well, if I am then maybe I’m not going to be coming from kindness It might be coming from some other place. Are other people in their primitive brain?
[00:10:51] Well me expecting them to respond with What would be normal for an act of kindness? I may be going a bridge too far because people in their primitive brain and unstressed guess what? Um kindnesses don’t necessarily Land and that goes for me too. They can land but they yeah, they might not Might not land.
[00:11:13] Yeah, I I was I when I was younger. I was Certified as a junior lifeguard and one of the things they taught you is like you can be trying to rescue someone who’s drowning which is a kind act but they’re panicked and they won’t they will literally climb up you and drown both of you to try to survive because their brain is not working right and it’s not that they’re they’re malicious it’s just that they’re so panicked and I think our society unfortunately has a lot of people in panic mode.
[00:11:42] That doesn’t mean we can’t be generous. And I think there’s something in our, in our being that feels when I have the ability to be mindfully kind to someone, it signals it’s biofeedback thing. It’s like, oh, I have abundance. I have, I’m in a space where I can actually. support someone else. Um, so I get something from that.
[00:12:04] I get something from that generosity in a way like, Oh yeah, I’m in a pretty good place right now that I had the ability to look at this person, identify what they need and give them, whether it was a kind smile or, Hey, I hope you have a good day. Or like Rick said, waiting for someone to pull out of a parking lot or whatever it is.
[00:12:21] Those little bits of kindness can make, I think those are again, ripples that go out in the world and kind of soothe our world and help, you know, shift from trauma to mindful connection. So, um, do you want to do some tapping on this? Because I think that this is, a lot of people, I think, were brought up that you have to be kind.
[00:12:42] It’s like this, and I think just, it’s, if you must do it, it’s not a choice, and it’s not a generosity thing. It’s like, they’re holding a gun to your head, so you have to do it. You must be kind. Now, I’m going to be compliant. Yes. I’ll pretend, but it’s not what I call kindness. Yeah. Yeah. I, I would. Um, we use EFT tapping, which is an emotional technology.
[00:13:07] If you’re not familiar with it, we’re not going to be teaching it during the workshop. We’ll be using it. You can, you can mimic us and speak the words. Um, you’ll see us doing that, but if you’d like a free course thriving now. com slash tapping and you can sign up for that. Um, so. The idea behind it, behind how I would use tapping for kindness, um, there’s several different layers we’re gonna, we’re gonna touch on today.
[00:13:38] Um, but the first one is that have to be kind. Um, and sometimes allowing ourselves to rebel a little bit. can be helpful because if we press down rebelliousness because we had to be kind, letting some of that out in measured increments, and sometimes profanity, I’ve noticed it really helps. It frees up room.
[00:14:14] We start at the side of the hand.
[00:14:18] Even though it felt like I had to be kind. Even though it felt like I had to be kind. Or else. Or else. I hated that. I hated that. But I couldn’t say it. But I couldn’t say it. I didn’t want to do it. I didn’t want to do it. But I had to. But I had to.
[00:14:43] I’m in the process of looking at what it really means for me to be kind. I’m in the process for Understanding what it really means to be kind. Top of the head. If I have to, is it a kindness? If I have to, is it a kindness? Eyebrow. No. No. It’s a have to. It’s a have to. Side of the eye. And maybe it’s a sacrifice.
[00:15:11] And maybe it’s a sacrifice. Under the eye. And maybe it’s something I feel, of course I’m going to do that. And maybe it’s something I feel like, of course I’m going to do that. Under the nose. What is kindness to me now? What is kindness to me now? And what is kindness in action for me? What is kindness for me, in action for me now?
[00:15:34] Hold on. What would kindness look like in a thriving life? What would kindness look like in a thriving life? End of the arm. I’m pretty sure it doesn’t include have to. I’m pretty sure it doesn’t include have tos. Top of it. Including having to be kind at all, ever. Including having to be kind at all, ever. I think there’s an aspect of that too that I like just to kind of like, cause I think that sometimes we are, it’s a fish in water.
[00:16:05] We’ve kind of raised in that attitude. So like for my mother, things that are kind for my mother are not my kindnesses. So she would want me to write thank you notes to everyone. I’ll drop an email or a text but I hate writing thank you notes. Like it’s not. I don’t want to do it. It’s not my expression of kindness.
[00:16:23] So if you find that you’re, um, kind of chafing at something, notice that you might have an inclination to offer something that’s generous, but maybe you’re still trying to look through the lens that you were given as a child, or you’re, you know, so that, you know, Something previous that it should look this certain way you should bake them a cake.
[00:16:42] No, I’ll send them a door dash I’m not gonna bake them a cake
[00:16:54] Even though my kindness may not look like yours Even though my kindness may not look like yours. It’s okay. It’s okay. I get to have my own expression. I get to have my own expression. Even though you had a lot of influence on what I thought was kind. Even though they had a lot of influence on what I thought was kind.
[00:17:18] I’m choosing to It’s so insistent. Yeah. I’m choosing to examine this again. I’m choosing to examine this again. And find my own colors in the paintbrush. Find my own colors in the paintbrush. I do not want to write a thank you letter. I don’t want to write a thank you letter. I probably might drop you an email.
[00:17:39] I might drop you an email. Side of the eye or send a text. Send a text. Under the eye, or even a picture of me with the thing that you sent. Or even a picture of me with the thing that you sent. Under the nose, it doesn’t mean it’s not kind. It doesn’t mean it’s not kind. Tim, I don’t want to bake you a cake.
[00:17:59] I do not want to bake you a cake. You wouldn’t want to eat it. Hey, I can cook okay, I just don’t want to do it. I’m talking about me. I’m adding that. But if you’re sick, I might doordash you some soup. I might doordash you some soup, but I don’t have to. And I really like that I get to find my own expression.
[00:18:24] And I really like that I get to find my own expression. It feels good to my own heart. It feels good to my own.
[00:18:37] And I think that’s one place people struggle. We kind of have this narrow vision, we’ve got blinders, kindness looks like this. Um, and like for my mom, She is really trying to be kind to people in her way, but it means having a kind of, um, her voice is a little high pitched. It’s very soft all the time. She will like, she will never say anything mean to your face about, like, she’ll sometimes talk back.
[00:19:03] about you behind your back, but she won’t ever say to you, like, Hey, I didn’t like that you did that. Versus for me, kindness is saying, Hey, I really value our friendship. And I don’t like that you did this thing. And I don’t want this to be between us. To me, that’s much, that’s my expression of kind, that I’m being in reality.
[00:19:22] And I’m actually caring about the relationship enough to face the things that are scary. Or say the things that are, um, maybe not considered nice. Um, I have, I’m a bigger person. I’ll often say like, I go to the doctor or anything. I want them to know. I realized that I’m a bigger person and they’re like, Oh no, no, you’re not fat.
[00:19:40] And I’m like, Yeah, I am. It’s okay. I can still be a wonderful person, but we don’t have to deny reality to be kind to each other or to be nice to each other. And I think that that for some of us, we were brought up that way where we have to never see anything bad about that person to, um, or say anything bad or acknowledge anything bad.
[00:20:01] Um, because that would be not nice or not kind. And I think anytime we’re not with reality, we’re losing a lot of our power. We’re basically like pulling up our feet off the ground and have, we have no place to stand and we’re kind of trying to be delusional together and we’ll all pretend and that’s nice or kind.
[00:20:20] And I don’t think that’s genuinely nice or kind. I think that actually does a disservice to the people we’re with, um, and it can be easier in the short run. I don’t often like to tell my friends that, Hey, I didn’t like what you did. I had some guests staying with me and I had to talk to them afterwards because they did something that was actually unsafe.
[00:20:40] And it was really hard. I was afraid I would lose the friendship. But I was like, I want you to be able to come back and this scared me that you did this. And I had to talk to them about it. Because I care about the friendships enough. If I didn’t care about their friendship a lot, I would just say, Nope, you’re never coming back.
[00:20:55] But sometimes facing those discomfort, those uncomfortable feelings and sharing them with someone, that in itself is a generous act of kindness in the long run. Yeah, in a thriving world. Um, I believe that we’re in a place where, like, I recognize a lot of the names of the people that are showing up with their presence and their energy with their notes in the chat that help.
[00:21:25] Um,
[00:21:29] a kindness to me has at least the potential to knit, knit us together. We used to use the term close, close knit. Like a close knit community. Often, what knitted people together was, we have certain civilities, politenesses, that we do. And we, we taught ourselves, we were taught, we teach our kids, we want our kids to teach their, their kids, uh, a way of being civil, in connection, in community,
[00:22:14] in, in certain places. Not conforming is dangerous. Um, in certain relationships, we can, um, be quite aware that they are operating on a different program. So, um,
[00:22:39] and if we run into that, where it’s dangerous to not be viewed as being, um, compliant. Now, again, I’m not going to use the word kind compliant. Respectful, as in respect your elders, not bribing respect, but respect as in, like, deference to, um, If you’re not nice and sweet and polite and do the things like writing a thank you note to the person who gave you a gift.
[00:23:15] Um, if you don’t do that, then what you’re doing is you’re pulling on a kind of cohesiveness that held a culture together for survival. Well, we’ve got a lot of freedom. My, my clients are around the world right now. I, we have, we have people on one side of the planet and the other. And, um, you know, I, it just happens to be 5 25 PM Eastern time, but Cathy’s in the middle of her afternoon.
[00:23:46] It’s not, the sun isn’t setting where she is and some people are just getting up tomorrow. And so, um, what this means is that we do have more freedom to create. Knitting together. And I believe that part of that knitting together is consciously like, Oh, what do I want? Who do I want to knit with? Who do I want to connect with create instead of the bonds of survival, which I think bonds of thriving can work really well at times of survival as well.
[00:24:22] I’ve, I’ve seen that in Asheville around Helene too, like the people that were close knit for their thriving dropped in, in survival mode, literal survival mode. And those attitudes of, of, um, thoughtfulness. Thoughtful awareness of what gifts do I have? What skills do I have? What don’t I have? I can ask for what I want, but that’s not the same as telling other people.
[00:24:53] Um, I can, I don’t require that somebody come through for me and I’m not required to come through for them, even if I could, even as survival standpoint, but I generously have access to a lot of resources and I share those it’s, it’s a kind of approach, which. Cathy, you said the word chafing as we’re building this skill.
[00:25:22] If we’re chafing at it, that’s the time for a powerful pause. And I think one of the, one of the ways that damages our inner strength is to do something because we have to, and pretend. That this is kind, it’s kind to me, it’s kind to others. And to me, there’s much less damage if it goes like, you know, I feel like I have to comply here.
[00:25:54] I have, this is, this is, and it’s okay. I value my capacity to comply as a rare circumstance, right? Um, even, even though I know I can comply. Even though I know I can comply. And I can do what I have to do. I can do what I have to do. I was trained that way. I was trained that way. It’s awkward and uncomfortable to be shifting that.
[00:26:20] It’s awkward and uncomfortable to be shifting that. And some people are not going to go along. Some people are not going to go along. They value conformity. They value conformity. Uh, me not so much. Me not so much. Me not so much. Under the eye. I’m more of a rainbow sheep. I’m more of a rainbow sheep. Under the nose.
[00:26:47] And I can at times fit in. And I can at times fit in. Chin. With what conforms to what they need. With that which conforms to what they need. And sometimes that is really not right for me. And sometimes that’s really not right for me. Under the arm. I honor all the times it wasn’t right for me. I honor all the times it wasn’t right for me.
[00:27:17] And I want my clarity about how my kindness is to be put into action. And I want my clarity of how my kindness is to be put into action.
[00:27:30] With a, with an aura of freedom. With an aura of freedom. And I think just to tag off of that, I think it’s really important to acknowledge our younger selves. That complied, and you know, when we were younger, we didn’t have these insights or this awareness. Like, even five years ago, I didn’t have this awareness.
[00:27:50] So I can have compassion and appreciation for my younger self doing the best she could. And there were times I complied. There were times I wrote those thank you letters. I’d grind my teeth and I’d write those thank you letters, hating the whole time of it. But I was doing the best I could at the time.
[00:28:07] And we’re, you know, if we can have some compassion for our younger selves versus, I will sometimes go, Ah, I should have known better. I should have done Well, that’s not very kind. I was, I’m I think a lot of kindness comes from perspective. So, if I have the perspective of I should know, or someone else should know better, it’s easy to be very judgy.
[00:28:27] Like, uh, they should, I should have just said, No, forget this, I’m not going to do it. Um, I, I, There’s someone I, I follow a lot that she talks about one way to be kind and warm is to imagine the best possible scenario. So if someone cuts you off in traffic, it’s easy to say, Oh, what an idiot. They shouldn’t have a license.
[00:28:47] Who are they? Well, if I imagine that they have a sick kid in the back of the car and they’re trying desperately to get to the hospital. Am I going to be so judgy? No, I’m like, Oh my God. I hope they’re okay. I hope they make it okay. And the truth is we don’t know. It could be either one. Maybe they’re just having a rotten day or just not paying attention, or maybe they have a sick kid or something else.
[00:29:09] So acknowledging that I don’t always know the perspective of other people. And also that I have a different perspective now than I did earlier. It lets me have more compassion and when I have more compassion, I can naturally be more kind and generous. It’s not a great, it’s not effort to do it. Versus someone who’s just being thoughtless and driving, cutting people off.
[00:29:32] I don’t really want to be kind to that person, but maybe they’re doing that because their boss just screamed at them for five hours. You know, we don’t know the perspective. I think it can really help us open up that generosity if we choose to.
[00:29:48] This is part of that inner strength. Is it a kindness to myself if I’m going to make up a story about something that’s happening, to do so in a way that is hard on my nervous system, that, or is it useful for me to have a frame of reference of compassion when I can?
[00:30:14] While acknowledging that sometimes we’re just not in a place where we’re resourced enough, that compassion is available to us. You know, you get the finger, right? Like there are modes of me, even after all this work, there are modes of me. If you, if you do something like that in the car, I, uh, Here’s the thing.
[00:30:37] If I look at kindness in action, ignoring them completely for a moment, if, if I’m like, Oh, yeah, they cut me off. And I, I noticed it and I’m safe. And I’m take, I want to take care of myself and want to take care of my family. Um, if they’re in the car, um, I bring myself back to a kind of kindness to my nervous system.
[00:31:10] And what that does is. It really does move our nervous system more from survival, stress, um, protection that people should be, should be civil, even though, you know, a lot of people are not right now. Um, it moves us to a resourceful place. And I believe that thrive, the thriving connection is, Hey, you know, I heard Cathy make up a story about the person that cut, cut her off that was compassionate.
[00:31:45] And you know what? It helped me see and feel that person differently. And neither of us know the actual story. But what a mind, what a mind savvy thing to do. Like if I, if I do that,
[00:32:06] I know that if I get offended by what, um, one of my kids do, you know, it’s so unkind to myself. Uh, I, I’m, I’m depleted of resource pretty quickly. I’m now in that the primitive brain side of it. Is it kind to choose actively to shift? You know, like And he’s only 10 and she’s only four. And, you know,
[00:32:47] you may be chafing at this because for your nervous system, holding that boundary is where you are. It’s like, no, no, that is not okay with me. And, and as we look at better boundaries, which is a skill that we’ve talked about, there’s this place where we. Have more option. We have an option to become an option to be kind that we’re building up an inner strength So we have the option to be kind to be real with someone we care about As you’ve mentioned a couple of different examples Cathy being real Is a kindness to the relationship.
[00:33:29] It gives them what they need to know to navigate. It gives them an opportunity in a space of kindness in action to repair, to acknowledge, to do things. Um, and their initial reaction may be primitive brain. And if you’re in a place where like, okay, now my friend is in a, in their primitive brain and they’re being hard on themselves, um, you said to me when, uh, the door of your car had been left open all night long by my delightful daughter, but I had made the commitment not to let that happen.
[00:34:07] But it happened. Um, I went right in my primitive brain. It’s so important to me. Here we were in your home. And I remember the text. I remember the first line. I wish you weren’t being so hard on yourself. Now that was the kindest thing I could have imagined getting. And even in my triggered state, that is a kindness that landed.
[00:34:27] Because you and I have woven together many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many years. If we’re doing this with each other, it builds a foundational strength so that our connections have a lot of thriving to them that we can tap into even during very difficult times. And I think we can, we can turn someone down or share something that’s, uh, like, this didn’t work well for me and, and still be, We don’t have to be, you’re an asshole, you screw everything up.
[00:35:03] I can’t ever trust you again. He’d be like, no, I love you. I want you in my home. And this, this particular thing isn’t working. So that’s, that’s, I think that’s a kindness in itself. Um, We don’t have to always say yes to be kind. Um, I thought I, I grew up that I thought I had to comply with whatever they asked.
[00:35:23] Um, and someone said, uh, in here that, um, they felt uns, they felt scared when we were doing some tapping about not complying before, I think it was. Um, it reminds me of not being good enough and the consequences of being in my own world, thinking about myself and what I’m doing, and not knowing what others need or want from me.
[00:35:44] And I think that I have a lot of compassion for that because I’ve, I remember feeling so bewildered as a child. Because I wasn’t taught to listen to my own guidance, and I knew that I was supposed to do what other people wanted, but different people wanted different things, and it wasn’t always clear what they wanted, and they would say one thing and mean something else, or, oh no, no, I don’t want that, but they really did want it, and it was, I felt adrift and lost and very scared when I was, when I was dealing with that, because I was just focused on the outside world, and I was focused on Making other people happy so that I would feel like I was good enough or had a space, a place in the world.
[00:36:23] And it took effort and Rick’s been so instrumental in the last, almost 18 years, we’ve known each other, um, to, to kind of build that out. But having to like, Oh, what does, What do I want? What feels good to me? I don’t have to try to guess what other people want. I can build foster a place where like, you know what, I don’t feel clear on what you’d like right now.
[00:36:48] Um, I would really love to build a relationship where we can actually ask for what we want and we may or may not get it, but we have that clarity between us. Um, and that kind of courage to It’s hard, especially if we lived in a world where we’re supposed to guess. A good person would know what they, if you really loved them, you would know what they wanted.
[00:37:07] Um, and that’s not true. Humans don’t always know what we, each other want. Sometimes we don’t even know what we want, and we’re supposed to, we’re hoping someone else would guess and figure it out. Um, but I think some of that fear comes from that feeling of, Wow, I’m supposed to be this omnipotent. You know, many of us here are sensitive.
[00:37:24] We can pick up a lot from other people. We’re, I, I, this is one of the things that I’ve really been struggling with and kind of incorporating in my world. I was brought up that there’s, you just want one thing. It’s very clear. You should have one thing that you want and that’s, that’s it. And I’ll make you happy, but we’re dualistic people.
[00:37:45] I can want one thing and not want it at the very same time. Very careful, very easily. I can want 10 things at the same time. So how has anyone, even if they love me and know me well, how would they possibly know, unless I gave them some guidance and some help. So I think if, for the person that shared that, if you could do a little bit of like Maybe some tapping on it.
[00:38:06] Maybe I don’t have to know this. Maybe I’m feeling scared because I was taught that I should have a skill that no one has, um, that no one can succeed at. That might help release some of that strain. Cause I, I just like, I felt like everybody seems to get this. I just don’t know why I’m not getting this. I don’t know what I’m doing.
[00:38:25] So I felt very frightened of the world. And people. And when I started going out, I can listen to myself and say, Hey, I’m not clear. What would you like? That really helped open it up for me.
[00:38:39] Deep breath. And, um, so I’ll, I got a really great message in the chat and I’m going to riff off of it from my own personal standpoint. Um,
[00:38:56] if I’m reactive in the car,
[00:39:01] that does give me a clue. I believe that when we’re reactive, Or what I would call, I call, I call it, I’m reacting not to the unsafety of the situation in a, in a responsible response able way. I’m reacting to it. And maybe I’m that energy that comes up. Is not only my feelings about the tailgater, but about everybody that encroaches on other people’s well being and, um, is not, uh, co creating a safe environment together.
[00:39:44] And I, if I recognize that about what’s going on, well that gives me something very specific that I’m going to journal about, I’m going to meditate about, I’m going to tap about. Because I want to create more responsiveness inside of my nervous system. That is a kind response. If I recognize, hey, this is not the way I want to be.
[00:40:10] And I’m aware of some upgrades. And if I’m not aware of our upgrades, that’s my job as a student to go find some upgrades, some upgrade my skill in those situations. What’s unkind is to say, Rick, you jerk. I can’t believe you lost it. You gave, what are you teaching your children? You gave that guy the finger right out the window.
[00:40:34] They’re going to learn how to spell four letter words before they learn how to spell their name. What is going like, okay. Now. This doesn’t happen very often, but it has happened so that I can speak from if I am hard on myself, I’m definitely not being kind to myself. I’m a human. I have a nervous system.
[00:40:57] Protection and safety are very important to me. Things out in the world or right up, right up on my bumper are things that Um, impact that, and I want to be in responsiveness. So you’re, I don’t think it is that it’s, if you notice that you’re getting pissed off at drivers and it’s carrying with it, processing some energy from other parts of your life.
[00:41:26] Yeah, so human. It doesn’t take away your most kindest points. You might notice if you’re kind and compassionate with yourself, it’s like, Oh, yeah, my nervous system does that. And then when someone gets pissed off at you and you realize they’re like 1 percent pissed off at me and 10, 000 percent pissed off with their life and what’s going on and their own things going on, that creates that inner strength that says, Hey, this isn’t good, I wish for something better, and I’m going to continue the practice of self compassion and tending to my own energy with skill, with awareness, so that I can have more kindness available.
[00:42:17] Well, I think of it sometimes as an indicator light on my car. If I’m losing my temper really quickly or feeling very frustrated with people, I, like, I kind of take, try to imagine taking a step back and go, you know, Would I normally be angry at them? No, I probably wouldn’t. Or I might be a little pissed, but not like over the top.
[00:42:34] The red light’s on on my engine light. Like, I need to like, either meditate, or do some tapping, or talk to a coach, or Like, something’s going on that I am not addressing somehow. So it’s just an indicator light. It doesn’t mean I’m good or bad. It just is It’s just like, oh, the red light came out of my car and now I have to like, give it some oil or, or, you know, radiator fluid or whatever.
[00:42:56] So, I think of it, if we can take off the judgment about it. Again, I think we were taught that we have to be perfectly kind and perfectly compassionate all the time. And, um, That’s just not realistic. It’s not. As soon as I have to do that, I’m not feeling very compassionate. Right. And someone talked about like, again, when we’re exploring savvy, relating and engaging, definitely acknowledges to me that there, we, we have evolved
[00:43:34] up from to use that term. If you look at human behavior in our most animalistic There is a kind of deference, which you could call respect for authority or respect for status, and it’s a thing, okay?
[00:43:57] We want our kids to survive, and so we teach them a certain amount of deference to authority. It’s in them. And then there’s the, okay, are we more free? Now, I do not define my adult son as being a good man or a bad man by how he writes or doesn’t write to thank me for his Christmas present. My mother’s mother would, right?
[00:44:36] Absolutely. In her world. And there can be a respect for the different worlds and the different cultures. I don’t typically bow to people in the United States, but I do in Japan And it feels it is it is not a have to I can be an ugly american, too. I know that
[00:45:02] In that culture, there is a quality of
[00:45:11] It’s a sweet feeling. I would do it more in this culture. If, if that was something that we, we did and we understood and it was part of what we do, but even there, there are. That kind of deep, um, profound acknowledgement. And then there’s perfunctory because I have to, or I better bow here and bow lower or else I will lose my job kind of thing.
[00:45:38] It’s, it’s a bow from our standpoint as emotional. Freedom oriented people. The freedom can look at bowels differently than somebody who’s in a culture with its cultural rules. And if you break a rule through your own freedom, it’s probably something you’re going to tap on. You may not get good feelings back from those that are really like, ah, you have to, you have to follow the rules.
[00:46:07] And this is, you know, like, uh, this is not my rule. And I get it’s going to cause distress with, um, you know, other members of my community or, or the like, and I can articulate why it’s not my, if they’re open to it, but I’m probably going to get some pushback. And if I choose to do it out of acknowledgement that when I’m in there, we spaces, we do that.
[00:46:40] That’s my choice.
[00:46:44] Um, there are people that never take their shoes off at home, but they, when they come into the WeSpace that is my home, um, we ask, would you, would be so kind to take your, your shoes off? And, um, the people that are invited in are people that understand that each WeSpace, um, It still is a, it’s a kindness to a space.
[00:47:06] It’s a kindness to, to those people that are a part of it. If it comes from a place where you’re strong enough, inner strength that you know, that you have options. Okay. And people that are in survival have much more narrow options. People that are in thriving can say, you know, I’m not in a place where I can take my shoes off.
[00:47:29] And, and so I want to, I want to acknowledge your request and I’ll, I’ll take a graceful exit here because that doesn’t work for me. Now hearing that they may go, well, we have these little slip on things. That’s fine, too. Oh, okay. So it’s Or just wipe your shoes very carefully, and we’ll make an exception for other people, it’s a respect thing.
[00:47:50] You do not enter this temple with, um, your head uncovered. You don’t, you don’t enter this house with your shoes on. Um, you don’t, you don’t, Is it kind to, um, I believe that there’s a quality of kindness and action to recognize when we have the resource to be able to adapt by choice. It’s like, ah, you’re telling me I have to.
[00:48:19] Well, that’s my reaction because I don’t want to be told I have to do anything.
[00:48:27] Yeah, I’ll take off my shoes. Thank you. Thank you for letting me know what works for your space. Well, I think there’s a cost benefit analysis. It’s like I work, we had a white elephant Christmas party and I got those chocolate roche things. Um, the chocolate, I actually love them. And I was like, Oh, I’ll take these home and eat them.
[00:48:46] I, you know, I’ll have them with my friends for Christmas. And someone who’s much senior, more senior than me was like, are you going to share those? And I, it wasn’t really a request. Like, I didn’t mind, but I was kind of like, This is much, this is a choice to comply. I can actually buy my own Roche if I need to.
[00:49:06] This is the time to say, yes, of course I would like to share. Um, yeah, so we’re not saying that you should never comply. There’s a cost benefit analysis on most things, but if it’s chafing or caught, like if it really irritated me, I probably would have in that situation. It just was like, it’s just, You know, 20 box of candy, but it was, you know, there’s times when it’s like, I will not do this.
[00:49:31] There’s been times with my mother, when I was younger, when I was breaking, you know, kind of establishing my independence. I’m like, no, you will not. I will not do this. And there were consequences. So we’re not saying to never do this, but kindness generosity generally come from his place of freedom and abundance and mindfulness.
[00:49:48] when they’re genuine freedom and genuine choice. Um, and not just we were, we’re fish and water doing what we were taught to do over and over again. And I think those kinds of kindnesses carry a lot more energy and aliveness than the ones where we’re just doing the root thing. We’re just, Oh, my mom taught me to write a thank you letter.
[00:50:07] So I’m just going to write a thank you letter because that’s what I’m supposed to do versus, Oh, my heart feels really full. I want to do something. Let me. Send you a photo and a little text about like, look how much I love this thing. Um, so I think don’t, please don’t take us talking about not complying as a new thing you have to comply with.
[00:50:27] I just want to make sure that I take a seven minute break here out of kindness for ourselves. I, I, I need some more liquid. Um, and please take care of yourself if that feels good to you. And if during this time something comes to you like, Oh, this situation I would, or I would like to express my kindnesses this way and dot, dot, dot, you have some yes, buts, you have some things that are coming up for you, the chat would be a great place to put those not required.
[00:51:10] And, um, I’m going to pause the recording. We’ll see in a few minutes. Welcome back. Um, yeah.
[00:51:26] Witnessing kindness, um, is where I’d like to go, Cathy. Um,
[00:51:34] and the first thing is, and, and I, I’m very beautiful full moon out the window. Um, I, uh,
[00:51:48] part of not having to have a And I’m going to tap on it is you don’t have to be a kind person. I believe that there are people oriented very differently than toward what I feel is the vibe of kindness doesn’t mean that they’re unkind. Um, maybe they’re vivacious, and that what we get from them is a kind of eagerness and enthusiasm for life, which really can drive us completely bonkers, uh, and feel very unkind if they’re not tracking our Wii space.
[00:52:27] Um, but as you think of yourself, is it something that matters to you? Kindness, like there’s a kind of a teary yes. that I get. Kindness matters to me.
[00:52:54] If it matters to you, then one of the things that can build the inner strength and connection with kindness is the witnessing of kindness.
[00:53:08] One obvious one is, well, how might I have been kind today? Was I kind today? Not as a label for the day, Was there a moment where you did something that was a random act of kindness for your community, for a person, for the world, for yourself? Like witness kindnesses that, um, You know, I was kind to myself.
[00:53:41] I let that, I just let that drop and I took care of myself. That might be a, Oh, I was kind to myself. I find it easier to, um, go there with myself, just the way my I’m oriented. If I’ve witnessed kindnesses that are others are doing
[00:54:09] it in particular, they’re, they’re the big kindnesses, the ones that get, you know, a million views on social media. Um, they get a lot of. Um, appreciation and energy and, and some of them are really ginormous kindnesses, um, people really showing up for others who are in need. Um, and that is comforting to me to acknowledge those kindnesses.
[00:54:47] There’s an, there’s this layer of kindnesses, which is like. You know, my neighbor this morning saw that the hill the kids would be going on was really icy, but he knew that all the kids and probably him too, right? But I could tell energetically that he was doing a kindness by sprinkling salt along just snow melt along one side.
[00:55:18] Not where it was going to interfere with the kids sledding down while the snow was still there. We’re in North Carolina. We don’t get a lot of snow, but it’s, this was a pretty good storm for us. Um, but it meant that people wouldn’t be falling and, and slipping. Um, no energy of have to, there was no one else out.
[00:55:39] I may have been the only human on the planet that noticed that right at that moment, but noticing that, that, that, Thoughtful, kind act that was going to help others. And I know this guy, he’s not going to, not going to say, Oh, I did that. Um, he’s not looking for, uh, looking for that. Um, I’ve seen other things that he’s done.
[00:56:03] Um, just naturally noticing those things. Is a reminder that if it makes a difference to me, something pretty insignificant, not necessary for everyone’s safety and survival, but just makes life a little bit better. You know, they just, we tend to things, we notice things, we do things. We, um, hold back if, if I’m on the scout for those kindnesses, I feel the world’s a better place because that’s what I’m, I’m tuning more of my chi towards seeing that.
[00:56:40] They’re more subtle, but they are everywhere. Like dandelions, you know, like they, they, Ines’s can crop up in the weirdest cracks and it’s Culture and society. And when I do that, then I’m going to notice the things that are kin for me. I have little things that I do,
[00:57:09] and I’m going to feel like I, it matters. It matters to be kind when it’s authentic and available. And I can also notice that, you know, I, I fell down a few stairs the other day, even if I had thought of being kind by putting down the snowmelt up the hill. My body was like, that would be unkind to your body right now.
[00:57:38] You’re healing, but a nice little bruise on my hip and on my elbow. Um, otherwise fine, but I’m healing. And so by being aware that other people are tracking our shared world, our community, um, not everyone. It doesn’t have to be everyone. There’s an inner strengthening that happens and a connection. I’m now aware of the people, um, including strangers that are doing random acts of kindness as well as intentional acts of kindness for one another.
[00:58:12] And that helps me knit, knit together in my own heart and my awareness. There are people helping people, uh, and of all the, all the things that have risen, that as an, as an empathetic person, one of the things that I feel rising in Asheville is more of that energy. It’s, okay, maybe we’re not quite past, there’s still a lot of people that are in, on the survival edge still.
[00:58:43] Um, and there’s this growing also web of thoughtfulnesses and kindnesses and things that make a difference, um, to people’s well being, their emotional state, their sense of being seen and acknowledged, appreciated. Not the big appreciation and the gold medal and the plaque, but the kind of nod that says, you know, I saw you do that.
[00:59:08] Thank you. You don’t even have to articulate it. Um, when we acknowledge it. That’s kindness in action too. I believe it is a kindness to acknowledge our fellow humans. Um, including when they’re struggling. Yeah, when you’re sharing that, I think of, again, perspective. It’s like, if you’re the single mom of three kids who’s working three jobs, who gives a dollar to, you know, whatever, to help someone along, that’s, someone might say, oh, that person was cheap or didn’t, you know, they should have given more, but to them, that might be a huge, a huge gift from their resources, a huge percentage.
[00:59:49] And I think that, like, You were talking about, we get to decide when to give that, and someone shared here that they, they sometimes do fawn, but they’re working on that, but they also, um, or they overextend, but other times they’re just themselves and being kind, and, um, they, the person shared that they, Two things happen.
[01:00:08] Sometimes those one that sometimes people seem surprised that they’ve been kind to them and others people will kind of take it as see it as a weakness and they’ll try to take advantage or expect that. And I think those are problems we can run into when we’re being kind to people. One. thing that I’m really working on is realizing that other people’s reaction to me is so much not about me.
[01:00:33] It’s about their own stories about me or their own stories about people or like most people are living with a bunch of masks and stories and they’re not really like Rick said there’s one percent actually like connecting and I’m one of the things I’m working on is being more mindful and present and like oh I have these stories can I put them aside and be with the people I’m with.
[01:00:53] Um, so if someone’s surprised. It, if I can let them have their own reaction versus, wow, am I so rarely kind that they’re surprised at this, like kind of, I can, I can look at myself, I can say, Hmm, have I not been as kind as I would like to, or maybe I was doing things they didn’t notice or things that didn’t register to them as big deal.
[01:01:15] Um, but I don’t have to take it on. It can be something I can look at for a few minutes, ask a couple of close friends, but I don’t have to take it on that. Oh, they were surprised that I was kind. I’ve also seen people be surprised at kindness as a kind of I don’t know if it’s a conscious manipulation, but it’s a way to kind of like indicate that someone, you’re, you’re not doing enough.
[01:01:39] And it could be subconscious, it could be conscious, but other people’s reaction doesn’t necessarily mean that much about us. I think we have to be doing the kindness for ourselves and for what we value, and for what’s right for us. But people do take, people will see kindness as an, like, oh, that person’s a pushover.
[01:02:01] I can keep taking advantage of them. I can expect them to help me. I’m just going to lean on them. And that’s where I think the kindness to ourselves and to reality. If we can keep coming back to what is true right now. Yes, I did help you last week, and I helped you the week before. That doesn’t mean I’m obligated, unless we agreed on it, for me to help you again.
[01:02:22] And I can even, as a kindness, say, Hey, I’m glad to help you out this week, but I’m not always going to be available. Um, you know, I don’t, I just want you to know that this is not something you can count on me for. That’s a kindness. It may not seem like a kindness to that person. People will, especially if they have a lot of need, they will kind of glom on and like, you’ve got, you’re always going to help me, right?
[01:02:42] And it’s like, no, I’m letting you know I’m glad to help you today. Please do not count on this for me. Um, and the kindness to ourselves, I think sometimes kindness has to have a very strong backbone. Yes, I lent you money. Or yes, I did this thing for you. Or yes, I helped you out. That does not mean I’m always going to have to do that.
[01:03:04] I do not agree to that rule. And other people may try to pull us in. Hey, you did this before. Why are you letting me down now? Well, no, I helped you out before. I’m not letting you down now. I’m taking care of myself. And it’s very challenging sometimes to do this. You can, especially if you have tender hearts.
[01:03:25] And I like, for myself, if I’ve done something a couple times for people, they’re like, but you’ve always helped me in the past. I’m like, like, it’s really hard for me to say, you know, we didn’t have an agreement for me to, I didn’t agree that I was going to always rescue you when this happened. With my mom, I do.
[01:03:41] Like, if you have any financial stuff, please do not call the spammers and give them all your information. Please call me, even if it’s four in the morning, because it’s easier to clean up at four in the morning than it is after she’s given them all her information. Um, so like, you can make choices there, but for other people, it’s like, no, I said I would help you out with this thing.
[01:04:01] I did that thing, and I’m not available for more. So that kind of having, um, It’s hard, like having a backbone to say no, even though you’ve kind of got in a habit of doing it, that’s challenging, but if you can build up the muscle to say, what is right and true for me right now, then we’re giving with our heart in a different way, rather than a habit of just a knee jerk reaction of it.
[01:04:27] Um, And we can even call it out with people. Hey, I love being generous and kind, but I’ve had people in the past kind of get expect, expect it, they expected it, and it kind of hurt our friendship because I, when I said no, they were really hurt. I want to let you know, I’m going to choose for myself what I do.
[01:04:44] And Rick’s amazing at that. He’s very generous, but he will also say no when something’s not right for him. And that means I can trust his yes. If I ask him to help me with something, he might say, you know what, now is not a good time. Here’s some resources if you want to go look it up yourself. Or he might say, yeah, of course, let’s get together and do that.
[01:05:02] And I can relax into that. I know he’s taking care of himself. And this is, that’s a muscle that very few of us have, and it, it’s awkward to build it first. But the more you practice it, and you can practice it with close friends, say, Hey, I want to practice, say no. Would you let me, you know, like, I want you to ask me for a lot of things, and I’m going to say no to all of them, and then I might change my mind and say yes to some of them.
[01:05:24] But just practice, the more you practice, the easier that can get that flow. Just because you’re kind does not mean you have to be soft. And I think we’re often taught that kindness is soft and malleable and of course I’ll give you everything. Oh, you, you want my kidney? How about my liver too? Like, no.
[01:05:43] That’s submissive. That’s compliant. That’s, that’s, um, and it’s true that people, um, so there are people that have a particular kind of orientation to others. Where they see kindness as a weakness. That’s a percentage of humans. They can be in general, we can. We can get good at smelling them out in advance, but we can also recalibrate.
[01:06:19] And that’s that inner strength that Cathy is talking about. It’s like, please don’t under, uh, confuse my kindness, uh, for compliance. I do things that are a yes for me. And I, I, I love kindness in the world, but there’s no obligation for me to do it once, twice, or 10 times. And that’s where we back off back into a place of civility, like people that are in that orientation where kindness is a weakness, they are operating from a different game plan.
[01:06:51] One that is not one I want to play with their definition of, of kinship and thriving and things like that are very different. Um, and so it, That’s a subject for another, but it goes to the savvy part of relating. If you want to walk as a kind person, being clear and strengthening up the backbone of like, Hey, if I’m doing it because I have to for safety or, um, deference in this circumstance to a boss or someone with more power over than power with, um, That’s not kindness.
[01:07:30] It’s something else. I can still be savvy doing those things, but kindness are things that are not required, or even necessarily, um, with that expectation demand. Um,
[01:07:51] and so, yeah, it, it’s, it can be awkward as you navigate that. My four year old is going through a phase where it’s like, I need water. Yeah. Hi, I hear you. And if you wanted somebody else to get to that water, how would, how would, how might you ask? Um, and what’s interesting is that. Just because she says, please doesn’t mean it’s going to happen, but we’re coaching her around the dynamic, the dance of, um, kindness and a lot of times she just sits down and there’s water for her because I, I tend to her and I tend to him and I tend to myself and I tend to others as an act of, of generous, um, pending.
[01:08:41] There are, and someone. You know, it is when people are recovering from being in abusive situations or neglectful situations. Ones where, um, kindness is not on the menu. It’s like, What is this thing? Right, what was it? It, it sort of smells different. I’m not sure, I kind of like it, but it’s sort of, it’s definitely different.
[01:09:08] Like it’s hitting my, myself as, this is different. Um. I would sometimes react, when I was first, I was first exposed to more genuine kindness. It was like, it’s kind of like a feral cat, like, Why are you doing this? What, what are you trying to poison me or trap me? Or like, what, what do I owe you for this? It was, my system didn’t know what to do with it.
[01:09:29] Right. What do I owe you for this can be a reaction. And, um, part of the, the thriving connections is. Being aware enough of whether your energy really is expecting a tit for tat, like, Oh, if I get you water, I expect you to get me water because that’s what we do. That’s fine. It’s, it’s not a kindness to me.
[01:09:53] It doesn’t fall into kind. It’s collaborative for survival, for people getting their needs met. That kind of dance is useful and beautiful. Uh, I, I don’t operate that way. Freedom can we we I do believe we have it on ourselves to help communicate to those that are able and willing to listen um things like Yeah, I I was a yes to doing it that time and I was a yes to doing it the next week and and right now It is not a yes for me and and I just want to be clear as you navigate me as a friend That obligation is not something that that drives me.
[01:10:33] In fact, it it actually repulses me enough that Um I’m going to, I’m going to take a pause to explain to you that, um, yeah. I, I, I’m, I’m actually actively developing, um, my immunity to manipulation by people because I believe that that is kind to you because your primitive brain knows that you can’t just manipulate me to get what you want, but I’ll pause and I’ll acknowledge it and like, yeah, I can tell how much that matters to you.
[01:11:07] And it’s not a yes for me. Would you like me to, would you like to go figure out something else? Or would you like me to brainstorm some other possibilities with you? Um, different, right? Like I wasn’t raised this way. Um, and wow, every little increment that we knit together of these ways of being kind and real.
[01:11:37] Cathy said it before the call. Um, kindness doesn’t need to deny reality, the reality of your own chafing or your own not yes. It doesn’t have to pretend. Um, and it’s not always going to feel like Mr. Kind, which goes or, you know, which goes to what is the, the experience of kindness. Um,
[01:12:11] I don’t want people to. Blow bugle horns about my kindness. There’s a blend of humility, which says, yeah, I, I really, it matters to me to be kind. There’s a generosity that flows from that. There’s an abundance. There’s healthier boundaries that flow from kindness to myself and those that I co create with.
[01:12:33] It’s beautiful. And I do like acknowledgement. Appreciation is sweet. Um, But you don’t, the inner strength I have about kindness is that, um, I’m not trying to prove that I’m kind. To me that is one of the things that I needed to clean up. Formative. Like, look at me being kind. I’m a good person. I’m trying to prove it.
[01:13:02] Even though I try to be a good little boy or girl. I try to be a good little boy or girl. By showing how kind and generous I am. By showing how kind and generous I am. I am recalibrating now. I am recalibrating now. Top of the head. I’m a good person. I am a good person. Eyebrow. I don’t have to prove that to anyone.
[01:13:26] I don’t have to prove it to anyone. Eye to the eye. Even if I’m angry. Even if I’m angry.
[01:13:35] I love feeling my capacity to be kind. I love feeling my capacity to be kind. Under the nose. And sometimes circumstances do not warrant it. And sometimes circumstances do not warrant it. And I am, I, I want to be kind to myself in those circumstances. And I want to be kind to myself in those circumstances.
[01:13:56] And I appreciate being acknowledged. And I appreciate being acknowledged. Even though sometimes it’s awkward. Even though sometimes it’s awkward. Including awkwardly acknowledging my own kindnesses. Including awkwardly acknowledging my own kindnesses. That can build my inner strength. That can build my inner strength.
[01:14:18] And the reference from which my kindness flows. And the reference from which my kindness flows. I think that kind of segues, someone asked if they could be, if they’re, they’re wondering if they’re too kind. And I think as long as we’re being authentic to ourselves and paying attention to ourselves, there isn’t a too kind.
[01:14:38] If we’re like, when we’re sacrificing, we’re giving more than someone might expect. That’s a grace. That’s serendipity. There’s been times in my life where I had a lot to give and I was like, yep, you have, there’s a mess. Let’s sit down. It’s going to take us three months, but we’re going to fix it. It was just a line for me to do it.
[01:14:55] And there’s other times like, I don’t even want to spend five minutes talking to someone about this particular topic. We get to be in our moment and our presence with ourselves in the moment. And so to kind is, it. That’s if we’re, if we identify kindness as having choice and being aligned with ourselves.
[01:15:14] Not, you know, not giving, not, like, taking something we shouldn’t give. As long as it’s choice and present and within reality, then I don’t believe there’s such a thing as too kind. Other people may be surprised by the amount of kindness that comes sometimes, and they might be disappointed at other times.
[01:15:32] Just like we’re like, oh, it’s a sunny, beautiful day today. Oh, it’s raining today. Like, we, we can, we can have our feelings about things, but it just is what it is. And we get to be where we are with ourselves and with reality and the other person. So I don’t, I’m kind of thinking that I don’t think there’s such a thing as too kind unless you’re giving something you don’t want to give and then that’s not kindness any longer.
[01:15:59] Thank you. Thank you all. Someone mentioned, you know, how do we respond to kindness if we have a really strong yearning for that thriving connection, kinship, friendship, and the like a kindness because right now can. The kindness is coming to us can feel very personal because they’re, they’re, they’re being kind to me
[01:16:31] when I was recalibrating around, what does it mean to be a nice guy versus kind Rick by witnessing kindness. That wasn’t personal, like the kindness that someone does as an entryway into a relationship. It has a certain vibe to it. It’s a bit like the, the person who sees a flower and picks it and hands it to someone that they’re attracted to.
[01:17:04] Um, there’s nothing wrong with that. That’s a kindness, especially if they don’t expect that the person is going to do anything. Or even take it, but noticing kindnesses that are, um, conscious and
[01:17:25] not. At someone, you know, I remember watching, um, this person who had a lot of stuff. They were studying late at the Starbucks in, uh, West Virginia. Um, it was finals week and this person was really struggling to get all of their stuff together. And there was, um, another person behind them who noticed that they dropped their wallet.
[01:18:00] And all they did was pick up the wallet and put it back on the table. That’s all they did. The person who was just in the middle of everything, right? They didn’t even notice. But they did pick up their wallet from the table and put it in their bag. Again. And this time it didn’t drop out. I’ve noticed people, um, do all kinds of things.
[01:18:28] In little ways,
[01:18:35] there’s a road that’s really congested leaving with my daughter, um, from her school, right at the stoplight, there’s always a big line of cars and, um, I was kind of just lost in talking to her and I noticed another car stopped short. This was when I was first going there. They were leaving space for perhaps some future vehicle to be able when they came in to turn into the.
[01:19:10] The dollar store, they just stopped short of the intersection. Now you can say, well, that’s the rule they are supposed to do. Yeah, I know. But, um, so I started being that person who became aware that when I’m driving down there, unless, unless I really can clearly get all the way I leave more room, which makes it easier for people.
[01:19:35] And I remember the look on a woman’s face as she drove around and saw all these cars, and there was a very clear way for her to get through. And it wasn’t a big deal. It was just a nod that said, Thank you, in her way. It wasn’t, You know, maybe she could felt it. Someone else might’ve felt that way. Um, when we notice the little things, we do start finding ways of being more in community and connection.
[01:20:09] And yeah, without the strings attached, without this being anything other than to make the world a more thriving place, a little bit more considerate, a little bit more clean, a little bit more. Generous acknowledging things like that. Thank you, Cathy. Yeah, thank you. I appreciate you all being here because I do think that when we start being more conscious about the kindness, we start we start building that in the world and people might see.
[01:20:40] Oh, that person was kind. I might have the energy to pass that on to someone else or be a little less grumpy about something. We do make a difference in the world when we are consciously kind because it feels right for us. Not because we feel like we have to or we should, but just that generous outpouring of our heart.
[01:20:57] So I really appreciate everyone for putting the thought and the energy into this because you’re the people that I want to support and see in the world. So thank you. Thank you, Rick. Thank you. Our next RealSkills workshop in a couple of weeks will be on co creating with AI. And as co creators and technology people, we’re looking forward to sharing with you and tapping with you on that subject, too.
[01:21:27] All right. Bye. Bye, everyone.
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