It’s Not Personal. It’s What’s Happening…
You probably take it personally. I know I do. If energy is directed at something I’m doing, and that energy is one of repulsion or judgment, astonishment, or… “I really wish you weren’t doing that!” …I probably take it personally.
But here’s the thing. If someone else who doesn’t look like you, sound like you, behave exactly like you, were doing the same thing and would receive the same energy and attention… It’s not personal. It’s just about What’s Happening.
Let’s say that it’s 10 o’clock on a Saturday morning. Your car is starting to slip getting up the driveway. You need to get the leaves OFF the pavement.
Let’s also say that to “quietly rake them” is a kind of movement you just can’t easily do with your body right now.
So you power up your leaf blower and start blowing the leaves off your driveway.
That makes noise.
However! Somebody else had an amazing time Friday night and didn’t get to bed until dawn. Guess what? They may be super annoyed that you’re using the leaf blower at the “unholy hour” of 10 a.m. We’re not talking about 5 a.m. or 6 a.m. We’re not talking about you being up at the crack of dawn blowing leaves.
If that neighbor yells, chances are your primitive brain is going to perceive that energy coming “at you” — emotional energy that is critical, dysregulated, and potentially threatening a fight.
Your primitive brain is going to pick up on that. It’s designed to.
Depending on how you react to that flavor of energy you may feel… ashamed.
You may feel angry, even rageful. You may want to rise up and fight them.
You may dismiss them. “Not my problem you partied 'til dawn. I have leaves to clear.”
Whatever it is… Is it personal? Well, I am the one taking the action, and I want to acknowledge that.
Yeah, it’s coming through you. That doesn’t mean it’s personal.
And I think that this is one of the discernments that is so essential for thriving. It allows us to accept, “Hey, not everyone is going to be on board with anything that I do (much less everything I do.”
Will everyone appreciate how I landscape my yard (or don’t), how I clear my leaves (or don’t)? No.
Burn your leaves and guess what? The smoke’s going to go all over the neighborhood potentially. You might have some reactions there even if it is completely lawful and super quiet.
But if you’re not taking it personally, it means you’re not dismissing it. You’re not saying that they’re wrong and you’re right! Or, flipping it: “I must be wrong and all at fault and should be ashamed of myself and feel like a little kid who’s being punished and they’re right because they’re angry and bigger and whatever.”
No.
If someone else was doing the same thing and would receive the same energy and attention, it’s not personal. It’s about what’s happening.
Then I can accept that they are not on board with what’s happening.
With such useful acceptance, I can meet this other human being (who made different choices and has other preferences) without shame, without rage, without making them wrong or making myself all at fault. That’s the discernment that is so essential for thriving. That’s emotional savvy.
So I can clear the leaves, post, share, write, believe, assert, sing—while I notice what’s happening, acknowledge the impact, and respond. Say to myself, “It’s not personal. It’s what’s happening.” From there, I can pause, explain, or continue… without making them wrong, without making myself to blame. That’s thriving. That’s emotional savvy.
Useful Concepts for Thriving in This Story
-
Discernment
Sensing nuance from multiple perspectives so choices align with what truly matters. -
Primitive Brain
The body’s ancient survival warning system that rapidly flags threat and pushes us to react. -
Responsive
Creating intentional space between what happens and how we choose to meet it. -
Better Boundaries
Dynamic limits that protect well-being and keep relationships healthy. -
Savvy
A blend of practical wisdom, emotional intelligence, and sound discernment.