I'm guessing that

Thriving Together
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What if we’re guessing… even if we’re intuitive and often right?

I have to catch myself.

After 30 years of practicing tuning into my intuition, discernment, and inner guidance, I’ve gone from CLUE-less and CONFUSED to having a lot more accuracy about other people’s feelings.

Or, to be more precise: I guess better.

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Imagine someone you love suddenly looks grumpy after hearing you say you are going for a walk.

You ASSUME that it’s because they wish you were going to do something else, like clean up the kitchen or take care of a task on the honey-do list.

Instead of going on the walk, you go with your assumption, and you go clean the kitchen. Suffering with every dish because, really, you’re doing it because you “have to” (don’t you?) to ease the grumpiness of your beloved… right?

What if you didn’t assume? What if you didn’t guess? What if you said…

I’m finding myself guessing that your sudden change in mood is because you want me to do something else other than go for a walk right now. Is that true?

In that moment you’re going to find out something. But it won’t be living from an assumption or guess.

Actually, I was just thinking that instead of doing my yoga this morning I read emails, and I’m feeling angry with myself.

Uhhh…

Guessed wrong!

But I was so sure! My intuition! My gut feeling that something was “off” after I said I was going for a walk!

Yeah. All true. But we humans actually suck at mind reading. Sure, intuition and awareness and heart presence helps us guess better. That’s good and worthy.

For me when the “guess” is a negative towards me, as something I feel either blame or discord inside, making the guess more explicit has often yielded… surprises.

One friend of mine will bring voice to an assumption, like “I’m guessing that you’re busy and don’t want to talk with me right now.”

Well, given that, I can say something like, “Actually, I really want to talk with you right now, but I have this other task that is on deadline, so I’m really torn. That may be what you’re sensing.”

I want my friends and loved ones not to make assumptions. I want us to feel free (and supported) in bringing assumptions and guesses (even if they don’t feel or sound sweet) to the forefront so they can be cleared up.

And sometimes we can’t ask right away…

There’s someone dear to me, and we’ve not had a chance to talk recently, and definitely not talk long enough to get Real with feelings.

My sensors pick up stress on their part. My story-mind… starts guessing.

If I stay with a truth, “I’m guessing that…” then I do not need to start making amends or cleaning up something unknown, or living with the suffering from an assumption.

Does that make sense? Has anyone ever assumed you were angry or upset with them… when you were not?

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YES that makes sense.

I have made so many assumptions rather than ask. I judged facial expressions as disapproval instead of asking. I don’t sense that I would have heard the truth though because these people were not communicators. I remember having long, deep conversations with my mother thinking that we understood each other and our needs, then 3 months or so later I realized either she didn’t understand or remember the agreements. The same thing happened with my partner. Everyone forgot as if nothing I said or tried to communicate mattered. It was so tiring! It was exhausting! After a few times I just gave up and she’s dead and he still forgets. I wondered and still do why. Was my communication and asking wrong? Probably. Maybe not. I’ll never know.

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It’s really hard when we don’t have community support – or we’re practicing a new skill. I imagine the first person who started a garden to cultivate food had a hard time of it within her tribe.

I have a couple who both work with me. She really felt like he didn’t hear her, did not understand. There was a lot of resistance to it, but when they switched out of JUST talking to talking AND writing down their agreements, their dynamics shifted.

Why? Well, writing clarifies our thinking. Writing puts it “in writing.” And writing honestly fills in gaps with recollection.

Is writing it down sufficient? No.
Is writing it down better than relying on our Guaranteed Unreliable Memories? Absolutely.

There’s no evidence that human brains are reliable at memory. I mean, even the same video (!) watched 10 times in a row by 10 people will be seen in 10 different ways. What the written words mean can (and is) debated by lawyers and courts all over the world.

So even as imperfect as we can be, we’ve evolved to the point where we can use different ways of recording our Agreements. Refining them. Stating our assumptions in a way that they can be responding to rather than reacted to. To have discourse rather than argument, to reach understanding rather than assumption.

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We did the writing when we were going to a therapist. I also wrote in my journals about what I was feeling, needing, etc. It helped me I’m sure. I wrote letters to the family too. They didn’t seem to care or want to try. Old history. Tapping if it comes up.

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