I admit I have been saying “I am sad” and it does feel like it seeped into my identity/core over the past two weeks. While I could point to specifics in the external world, it’s interesting isn’t it that last time I got to this weight I also felt these same feelings – and bounced up 2 pounds in short order.
I know my body is MUCH more right-sized at this carrying size than 20 pounds more carrying with me everywhere I go. Yet, the “what’s here” as these energy stores get metabolized doesn’t feel good.
Flashbacks of all the times I felt SO ALONE amongst people. Reminders that the people I feel most synergy with live far away, even if that means 45 minutes, or many days driving.
Endings of love relationships, too… emotional rushes of feelings that take me back to That Time When.
I admit to cravings. Fortunately, this time, I have tools like movement (and cleaning) to help me process through. Sang some country songs while I pressure washed the deck last night, oldies that took me back also to That Time When.
Doing my best not to flinch from this. Jem and Adira traveling to Alaska right now gives some space to tend less to others (although tending to Emerald) and more to the real hardness of those past times.
Suspecting that’s why the Savvy Relating and Engaging is here, for me, too. It’s not savvy for me to expect people to reach out. I’ve been poiled by Cathy who “gets it” that I’m vastly more natural responder than initiator. The savvy corner of me knows that people get busy and initiating takes life force that is often hard to muster, especially with kids or stresses of all kinds.
The savvy in me also knows I’ve always made friends around shared interests. Dance. Tapping. Emotional Freedom. Weird and uncommon compared to, say, drinking here in beer city USA. We’ll see…
Thanks for listening. ~Rick
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Thank you for sharing this, Rick. A lot of … useful … reminders. I found the entire post very … helpful. 
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I’ve been working on our back deck the last two days. It’s, well, a collector of slime. It’s taken two doses of chlorine and pressure washing to get it to a place where I can now see all the places where the paint needs to be touched up.
It’s been good to notice the dynamics.
- I wish the deck was built of different materials that were easier to treat and clean.
- I both LIKE being a good steward of the property and quite aware that each of the things we own (chairs, table, toys) require more tending to keep “healthy” than often feels balanced. 8 hours of physical labor for a deck each year? Hmmm… And we haven’t gotten to the painting. My minimalist propensities feel alive. “Do we really need and use THIS?!?”
But so much more than this, a sense that I really resonate with a different kind of tending. I wish in ways that the deck was more communal. Or that even though it is “our” deck and our neighbors’ decks are theirs, there was a natural support for tending Together rather than each tending solo.
Perhaps it is the part of me that knows that circle is important, that if I have 8 hours to put into tending and mending, I’d rather do it with 5-6 others coming together with and for each other. Or a dozen, where we took turns. I don’t know that my life will ever actually be that way, and I’m painfully aware of the ways that community can fuck us over as well as support us. 
That said, right now the sadness is about all that I do that feels solo – even for family. But I don’t want to “demand” it to be different. I’m wanting more savvy at making things co-creations that feel more direct rather than, well, independent efforts that “end up” being co-creations of a home and family and circle.
Hmmm.
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