Real Skills Workshop - Community Event
Gratitude Science Experiments
Real Skills Workshop: Energy Savvy
Hosts: Rick Wilkes (@Rick) and Cathy Vartuli (@Cathy)
Recorded: Sun Dec 14 2025
Replay is below
Why is feeling grateful so challenging at times?
Short answer: our survival brain scans for threats, not blessings, so in stress, grief, or overwhelm it narrows focus and gratitude feels out of reach. Add a few more frictions: unresolved hurt that needs witnessing first, āshould be gratefulā pressure that triggers rebellion, comparison that turns appreciation into lack, and fatigue that lowers bandwidth for savoring. When we accept whatās hard and tend the body first, a small, honest āone true good thingā becomes possible again. Want a 60-second practice for that?
Sure!
Letās do a 60āsecond reset together. Small, honest, no force.
First, breathe slowly and feel your feet. Let your shoulders drop a notch.
Now place a hand on your chest. Say softly: Even if gratitudeās hard right now, Iām here with me. Take one easy breath.
Scan for one true good thing from the last day. Tiny counts: a sip of water, a sliver of calm, a kind glance. When one lands, linger with it about 17 seconds: see it, feel where it touches your body, and let that spot warm a little.
If resistance pops up, name it: Part of me doesnāt want this. Of course. Then return to that one good thing for a few more beats.
Close with a whisper of appreciation for yourself: Thanks for trying. Breath inā¦ and out.
Want me to guide a quick tapping version of this next?
Yes please
Great. Letās do one gentle tapping round for gratitude. Light touch, steady breath.
Side of Hand: Even though part of me resists gratitude, Iām here with me and open to one true good thing.
Top of Head: Itās okay that this feels hard sometimes.
Eyebrow: My system scans for threats first.
Side of Eye: I honor that protection.
Under Eye: And Iām willing to notice one small good thing.
Under Nose: Just one thatās real for me.
Chin: Letting my body feel it for a few seconds.
Collarbone: I can soften a notch and receive a sip of okayness.
Under Arm: I appreciate myself for trying.
Top of Head: This one true good thingā¦ Iām letting it land.
Pause. Breathe. Notice what, if anything, shifted.
Thanks Gus
Iām grateful, butā¦
And thatās the rub. Thereās a part of me that buts in anytime Iām feeling grateful. I get a moment of that feeling of gratitude, and then I get whacked with what really āshouldā be different if Iām going to be grateful all the time.
Iāve not come up with a solution to that. Maybe there isnāt oneā¦
My hypothesis is that the part(s) of me that want to keep healing, growing, and thriving INSIST on being heard, too. They want to acknowledge aspects of life right now that are hard.
No amount of meditation shuts those aspects down. Indeed, Iām not sure who I would BE if I couldnāt/didnāt look at anything and sense ways to help it be enhanced (organized, efficient, flowing, love-infused, useful,ā¦).
So, if I am going to experience more gratitude in my life, and the sweetness that comes from it, the experiment is to:
Change BUT into ANDā¦
āI am grateful for this and that and moreā¦ AND this is painfulā¦ AND Iām grateful for the support AND support alone isnāt enough AND thereās tender beauty in what weāre receiving from those with strength to share ANDā¦ā
Perhaps that is even why I have been so focused on tapping for decades now. It is an AND kind of approach to life. āEven though this is hard and at times Iām teary sadā¦ I also feel blessed by the love in my world right now.ā
And. Both and.
Adira teaches this. If I say something like, āSeems like youāre angryā sheāll clarify that she is angry AND sad. Two emotions at once?
Why not! Grateful and scared. Exhausted and grateful. Grateful relief and profound concern.
And. Gratitude WITH other feelings and other awareness of what isnāt thriving the way we want.
Replay is below
Gratitude Science Experiments - Real Skills Workshop - Replay
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We coveredā¦
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Letting Gratitude Be Messy And Real
Gratitude does not have to be pretty, spiritual, or āhigh vibeā to count; it can be tangled up with grief, irritation, or fear and still open space in our body for relief and connection. When something is hard, we can gently tap while saying, āPart of me is really hurting hereā¦ AND part of me is willing to notice even one tiny thing that is okay right now.ā Let both truths sit side by side without forcing either one to change. -
Starting With āIām Not Grateful Yetā
For many of us, the honest starting place is, āI donāt feel grateful, and I kind of resent being told I should,ā and that honesty is actually powerful. We can tap through, āEven though Iām not grateful for this and I donāt want to be right now, Iām open to feeling safe in my body and letting a little tension soften,ā which often creates a doorway where forced gratitude would just create more resistance. -
Using MicroāGratitudes Instead Of Big Leaps
Keep coming back to very small, concrete gratitudes: a warm mug in our hands, a cat purring, the chair holding our weight, the breath that keeps coming. When life feels overwhelming, we can pause for 20ā30 seconds, tap lightly, and name one tiny support in this moment, letting our nervous system register, āOh, there is something here for me,ā instead of reaching for big, abstract āIām so blessedā statements that our body cannot believe. -
Letting The Body Lead The Gratitude
Instead of trying to think our way into gratitude, we invite the body to show us what already feels a little more spacious, like a loosening in the chest or a softer jaw. A simple practice is: while tapping, scan slowly from head to toe and say, āIām grateful for any place in my body that feels even 2% safer or more at ease right now, even if itās just my little toe,ā and then linger there for a few breaths so our system can deepen that sensation. -
Honoring The Part That Refuses Gratitude
There is often a fierce, protective part of us that says, āIf I relax into gratitude, Iāll get hurt again,ā and that part deserves respect, not argument. We can tap while saying things like, āThank you, protective part, for trying so hard to keep me safe; I wonāt force you to be grateful, but Iād love to show you that we can have a tiny bit of ease without abandoning our vigilance,ā which calms the inner conflict instead of intensifying it. -
Letting Gratitude Coexist With Anger And Grief
Real emotional freedom is not about replacing ānegativeā emotions with gratitude, but about letting gratitude sit at the same table with anger, grief, and fear. Practically, this might look like doing a tapping round on, āIām so angry this happenedā¦ Iām so tired of being the strong one,ā and then adding, āand Iām also grateful that I can feel all this and still be here breathing and tapping,ā so our system learns it does not have to choose one or the other. -
Experimenting Instead Of Performing Gratitude
Gratitude becomes much kinder when we treat it as a series of experiments rather than a moral duty, so there is room for curiosity, play, and āletās see what happens ifā¦ā. We can pick one small experiment for a weekāsuch as tapping for one minute each evening on āthree tiny things that didnāt go wrong todayāāand then notice, without judgment, how our sleep, mood, or sense of possibility shifts, using our own life as the laboratory rather than chasing someone elseās ideal. -
Bridging āWhat Hurtsā To āWhat Helpsā
We can move gently from āthis really hurtsā toward āand hereās whatās helping me hold it,ā right in the same tapping sequence. When something feels heavy, we can tap through the story of what happened and then add, āAnd Iām grateful for the resources that are here with me: my breath, this tapping, maybe one person who gets me,ā letting gratitude arise as a bridge that supports the hurt instead of trying to fix or erase it. -
Letting Gratitude Rewire Safety, Not Beliefs
Gratitude, when paired with tapping, is really about teaching the nervous system, āIn this moment, you are a little safer than your body thinks,ā rather than convincing ourselves of positive affirmations we do not trust. A practical way to use this is to notice a triggering thought, tap gently, and pair it with something like, āEven with this fear, Iām grateful my body is still breathing, my heart is still beating, the floor is still under me,ā so our brain gets fresh sensory evidence that it is okay to ease out of survival mode bit by bit. -
Inviting Relational And Communal Gratitude
Gratitude can grow more easily when we feel seen, accompanied, and not shamed for our struggle. We can carry this into our life by choosing one trusted person and experimenting with sharing a brief, honest checkāin like, āHereās whatās really hard, and hereās one thing Iām surprisingly grateful for today,ā and, if theyāre open, even tapping together for a minute so gratitude becomes a shared nervousāsystem experience rather than a private performance. -
Weaving Gratitude Into A Thriving Lifestyle
Gratitude supports a āthriving lifeā not as a single breakthrough, but as lots of small, repeatable practices that slowly change how we inhabit our days. We can pick two or three anchor momentsāwaking up, sitting down to eat, getting into bedāand use them as gentle prompts to place a hand on the heart, tap if we wish, and say, āRight now, Iām grateful for this piece of my life thatās supporting me to thrive,ā letting these microārituals build a nervousāsystem memory of being supported, not just surviving.
Resources Mentioned
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Gratitude Science Experiments
[00:00:00] Gratitude Science experiments, A Real Skills workshop for Savvy Energy. And Iām Rick from ThrivingNow and Iām here with Cathy Vartuli from ThrivingNow and TheIntimacyDojo. And , very grateful to get this opportunity to co-create with you. Cathy, thank you so much. Pleasure. And I was wondering if youād get us started with just orienting around what is this gratitude thing?
[00:00:25] I like to go back to definitions 'cause I think that sometimes we think we know what something means. And just hearing what, you know, Webster says it is, can kind of clarify and then weāre all on the same page. Um, and I, gratitude is the intentional recognition and appreciation of something good and can come from outside you or inside internal.
[00:00:45] Um. So, and it, I like that, uh, this definition includes without denying difficulty or pain. Hmm. So thatās, itās not saying that itās, everythingās perfect and, but thereās something good in here. Um, and weāre recognizing and appreciating it. So that actually feels very, Iāve been studying the Buddhist precepts and they talk about, the tenants are that you, uh, be curious, like you donāt know.
[00:01:12] So you kind of look at it and then you, you witness it, you like, so youāre like, oh, what is this thing? What, and Iām noticing what I, what I appreciate. So that feels, and then the third one is to take loving action. So those are, I think those fit here. So if Iām really grateful, I can say, Hey, Rick, that was so sweet that you let me talk to the kids for three hours on your phone.
[00:01:39] That might be a loving action. Oh, I am so grateful. My, my boy now has his own phone with FaceTime working and, uh, so that itās not my phone or gemās phone that, uh, he talked for three hours and three minutes and three seconds with his best friends and with Cathy. And, um, yeah. So thank you. And one of the, our questions to you, if youāre here live, um, our gratitude extends to the energy that you bring, the curiosity as well as helping us fill out the picture because I believe that, um, you know, gratitude was something that for some of us was forced on us as children.
[00:02:27] And for others it can be, uh. You know, gratitude, as I said in the, the message today, and weāll get into it a little bit more, is, um, that in, in the non-denial that things are still hard or not perfect. Uh, my gratitude tends to slip toward the whatās not right yet. And so being able to hold gratitude is been a life challenge for me, to be honest.
[00:02:58] And so Iāve put a lot of energy into it. I continue to, uh, Carol, the book by Carol look called, uh, yes, thank you. Um, encouraged me when I read the early copy to start a gratitude practice consciously as part of my day. I even keep my, my, I keep a count. I think right now Iām on like, letās see, letās take us on a trip, um, day 264, and.
[00:03:26] Itās just an invitation, a reminder every day to tune into things that I could be grateful for, even if I didnāt feel it in the moment or in the time. Um, is there anything that I could feel grateful for? And learn how to hold it with a kind of softness. So what for you, each of you that is here, thatās live, and if youāre watching the replay, please feel free to add a comment at the center or on YouTube or wherever you find this about.
[00:04:00] Um, what does it mean for you if youāre grateful, what do you thinkās gonna happen?
[00:04:12] What, what about for you, Cathy? Do you wanna, as people tune into it. I have a couple, a couple beliefs that, I mean, I think a lot of us get our attitude towards it when weāre young and we can certainly revise it. But growing up my mother was very afraid of appreciating anything too soon. Um, and so like, it was like thereās a fear that if you appreciate it, itās gonna go away.
[00:04:37] If I, if I think somethingās nice, I shouldnāt say anything 'cause it might be taken away until itās already over and then Iām onto the next thing. So there really wasnāt a lot of room for appreciation. Um, but there was also some that was like, uh, if I said thank you to someone, then I kind of owed them.
[00:04:57] Like, if I appreciate it, if I said thank you, then oh my God, now I have to give this back. Like, as opposed to like just being in the moment and this feels nice, it was like, oh no, now I have to repay it somehow. Ah, interesting. How about you?
[00:05:26] I,
[00:05:32] the word I get is performative. Hmm.
[00:05:41] I can see us sitting around the table and saying, grace, and I know the intention was to feel grateful for the food. The people who made it, the people who raised it, brought it to us. There was a, a legitimate, like, weāre to be grateful for this. Mm-hmm.
[00:06:12] But there was no, there was no pause. There was no, um, or rarely a sense of heartiness. Um, does that make any sense? Itās like, uh, God is good. God is great. Thank you for the food we ate. Um, it, it was, weāre supposed to be grateful people. Good people are grateful people. Um, thatās very different from the kind of gratitude that I understand now, which is dropping into a connection between me and something of creation.
[00:06:59] You, um, my children, a mindful presence, uh, the, the trees swaying and the, the breeze rather than cracking and, uh, coming down. Um, yeah. Uh. Feeling a connection and using that connection to radiate and vibrate and tune to what weāve labeled gratitude. Mm-hmm. Itās a, a sense of the blessing of it, the appreciation of it.
[00:07:33] Um, but I get that where, you know, if I love having this and then it goes away, well, you know, I, I love having my new 10 speed bike. I just love it. And then it gets stolen and itās gone and thereās no money to buy another one thatās not going to happen. And, um, those types of experiences can, can carry over, I think, into what would be a normal.
[00:08:10] For, for people that are actually have some blessings in their life. Mm-hmm. Well, there might have been someone when we were little that would actually an older brother or bully at school. If you liked something and you said it, that was the prime target. That would be like a bull waving red flag in front of a bull.
[00:08:29] Um mm-hmm. Thatās a good point. And, uh, without sufficient safety, expressing our gratitude out loud and the same kind of thing, like if weāre in a more of a primal exchange kind of thing. Tit for tat. Yeah. I do something for you. You do something for me if Iām grateful for what you did. Iām acknowledging the debt, the price of it.
[00:08:50] Yeah. I just, Iāve just acknowledged the debt. Especially if I am really touched, if Iām really, um, impacted in a, in a positive way by what someone did or who they were for us. Um, does that create an obligation? And in our. Real skills work. We, we do a lot to free ourselves from obligation so that we can operate from a different place.
[00:09:16] It doesnāt mean that other people are necessarily, uh, not wanting to obligate us. Um, but if we donāt feel the obligation that comes in, in some dances with expressing gratitude, then we can be more free to feel it ourselves. And I, um,
[00:09:43] I think I got knocked off the gratitude appreciation for a segment of my life because I had so many people that deflected it. Mm-hmm. So if you really appreciated somebodyās skill, their gifts, their generosity, their kindness, their thoughtfulness and things like that, and they say, oh, it was nothing.
[00:10:04] Mm-hmm. Um. Which is something thatās in our society. Itās kind of polite, like, oh no. Yeah. And it was really loud in, in the groups that I was with. Um, there was almost a, a like, why are you saying this? Why are you, why are you saying this and sharing this and feeling this? It was no big deal. Um, I today, gratitude, people that express gratitude are a hugely big deal.
[00:10:34] They make my life, my work, my, my familyās, uh, existence in the world. Just so much sweeter and brighter and every increment. I know that my capacity for gratitude is much higher than I peaked. Iām, I havenāt peaked yet. Got a long way to go, and Iām grateful that every small increment like these over these last 200 and some days, even just touching on things like.
[00:11:06] I donāt wanna be grateful for today. Thereās one day where I said, I am so grateful this fucking day is over. Sometimes we have to, right? Like, that was it. Goodnight. And, um, yeah, it doesnāt happen very often. And whatās interesting too about gratitude is if it becomes something that youāre checking in with yourself, youāll notice that I notice that I have ebbs and flows.
[00:11:31] And as someone said, if Iām off kilter, like if, if for three days straight, thereās very little that I can point to, it means that Iām, Iām really not noticing because I could notice a dozen things right now. Maybe a hundred things right now that I could be grateful for. And if Iām not letting those land, itās a bit like for me, energetically as if I wasnāt drinking enough wa uh, fluid.
[00:12:04] I was getting dehydrated. And once you get dehydrated, you kind of enter this famine mode sometimes where you are, youāre so dehydrated that you donāt even want to drink anymore. Well, someone shared, I need to get back to gratitude. Iāve lost it. And Iāve had that experience where things just were going so badly and like multiple for multiple angles and it was just like, I felt shut down.
[00:12:27] Like the well was that someone needed to prime the pump and it took a while to get there. Yeah. So, Hmm. Do you wanna touch on some of the, the chats? Yeah. So the, the one was that, you know, the, Iāve lost that. Iāve lost, I donāt, Iāve lost gratitude. Iāve lost it. Lost connection. And I think what you were saying, Rick, was when we can really, truly, authentically resonate and be present with the things weāre grateful for, itās very fulfilling and healing with our body.
[00:12:58] Itās actually really delightful. Um, and. When we feel gratitude, we often feel joy. And Iāve been, Iāve been working with some somatic people that have done a lot of investigation into how the body responds to trauma, like the biology of trauma. And the, one of the things they bring up, and Iāve noticed this for myself too, is when we feel good, when we feel joy, people that with a lot of trauma, a lot of things can come up with that.
[00:13:24] So itās actually not, it doesnāt always feel safe to feel really joyful because itāll pull up the anger and the fear. And the pain as well. The grief. So one of the things that they talk about in this is to titrate, to practice it, to just do like 20 seconds or 30 seconds of being with it. Let your body feel that vibration, then step away.
[00:13:46] Like we donāt have to do it for hours, but itās very healing to our body to be present with it. With those, those vibrations of gratitude and when weāve been, when things have really hit us hard, it can be very, very hard to step into that. It can be really, you can, I think weāre building up muscles to find, if we practice, like Rick is talking about, practicing every day a little bit to find gratitude.
[00:14:10] Our muscles are a little stronger. We, weāve been to the gym so that when things are like, Iāve got a flat tire, itās pouring rain. Iām two hours late to something I needed to be to, and I havenāt eaten and you know, whatever else is happening, I can be okay. Iām not squashed on the road. Iām here. I can sit in the car until AAA comes or whatever.
[00:14:31] We can, we can look for that a little better. We have the muscles to find it better. And so I think itās the more we can gently practice with this. And I know a lot of people that are here have had wounds from when theyāre younger. Realize that it may be really, if your nervous system feels like, eh, this is really hard to do, itās probably, itās telling you the truth.
[00:14:52] Itās just this is hard. And itās okay to just take it in baby steps. Some of the emotions Iāve been working with, literally I have to do one second at a time. Like when Iāve been dealing with some of the grief Iāve had, itās like, this feels too big and too strong. Can I just one second in and out and then I find the next day that one second in and out is a little bit easier.
[00:15:14] And then by the end of the week I might be doing five seconds. But we, it is okay to teach our nervous system that we wonāt overwhelm it with anything too strongly, good or bad until itās ready. So I just wanna, I think thatās important. 'cause gratitude is a form of joy. Itās like, I feel happy about this thing and that can stir up like the, the other emotions kind of tag on, itās like a balloon coming up, but itās pulling up the other emotions.
[00:15:40] We havenāt really processed all the way. So itās, itās okay to just, we donāt have to be, have to be intensely joyful all the time about anything. But we can be, we can practice joy, and that can build up our resilience for it.
[00:15:59] You and I before the call, uh, weāre talking about forced gratitude. Mm-hmm. So letās say youāre struggling with something and someone very kindly says, well, youāve got a lot to be grateful for. Itās like, sorry, I wanna make a bad gesture right now. Itās like, um, yeah, I, yeah. Um, I hear that in myself too.
[00:16:27] Itās like, oh, you know, I, I want, I want to, if Iām going through a hard time, thereās a part of me that wants to also acknowledge that even in this hard moment around something that is significant, I donāt actually have to worry about whether weāre gonna have food tonight. Right.
[00:16:56] Thereās, um, and, and you know, I, Iāve worked with clients and there were times when the only thing left in the pantry was that 10 cent macaroni and cheese, and we didnāt have any butter or margarine to mix with it. So it was the water version of that that my brother and I ate with my mom. And, um, you know, I, I donāt, thereās a part of me that is grateful that thatās not where I am or, or likely to return to.
[00:17:31] And also what weāre struggling with now is our leading edge. What youāre struggling with now is your leading edge, that if itās not about survival, it doesnāt change that the things that your ancestors used in terms of their own. Uh, showing up for that, help them survive are the same things and theyāre, theyāre both primal and heartistry.
[00:18:00] It comes, it, itās, itās about devotion in a lot of things, but it still can be your edge where your, your carrying more or having to move more than one person can. And even with the help and resources you have, it may still be like, this is piling up. Itās a lot. Um, the subject of this workshop is gratitude science experiments.
[00:18:31] And I donāt mean like go out and find the science about gratitude. I really mean you can have your own hypothesis, like, yeah, well what if thereās something about the way that I show up each day with this. Struggle that if I took a few steps back and I looked at me, Iād actually notice something like, wow, she has a lot of courage, uh, or devotion.
[00:19:08] Like, you know, if you look at how she rises in the morning and goes through her day, itās not a constant, but thereās a lot of devotional action for the people that she loves. Oh, look, he, he recognizes that itās not his time to get affection and caring. Heās making, heās taking care of things quietly that need to be taken care of.
[00:19:33] While other energy can go toward those that really legitimately are, are struggling. Oh, he could be grateful about that. If youāre talking about yourself, like thereās a little experiment like Yeah. Did was that active in me all at all today? Well, actually, yeah, that was active in me. Was that active in you?
[00:19:56] Something that you really like? Oh, as you were saying, thereās, for me, itās easy to, I, Iām grateful that youāre my friend who is capable of going in to something thatās so hard that can only be held for one second. Thatās the kind of energy, itās itās intense enough. It energetics of it are intense enough.
[00:20:20] And, and I know itās not because youāre a weakling. You know, if itās a big deal for Cathy for one second. Woo. That makes me like, Iām grateful that you continue to build your strength so that you can, you can be there with me during times when, uh, and, and you even set permission, like, yeah, I can touch on it for a second or two, um, the rawness and then back out, and youāre there.
[00:20:54] And gratitude can be the same type of thing. I had an image, someone used the term bubble. And while Iām not using it in this context, gratitude for me, when I was out on the trail today, there were a couple of little bubbles. It was too cold over an actual soap bubble. Wouldāve probably frozen in the 11 degrees and, uh, windchill.
[00:21:15] But if I had blown a bubble. Appreciation and gratitude. Um, one was, Iām out there, you know, this is, this is my morning mile. And while Iām not perfect about it, I didnāt send out to be, itās day 1,695 of going out in the world and doing some movement in nature. And, uh, another one, which is one of those contrast ones, which I, I want to acknowledge sometimes Contrast gratitude is like where I am in the wind.
[00:21:50] About 500 yards away, some large tree came crashing down. Wow. Glad Iām not under that. This is a big one. Like, I couldnāt even see it, but I could, it was distant and in the gratitude it was like, yeah, I havenāt been hit by a stick at all. Um, and you know, I live in Asheville. Where during Helene, over 10,000 trees just in our little area came down in the wind and storms.
[00:22:23] And I, Iām grateful my nervous system doesnāt carry that, that
[00:22:37] gratitudeās a funny, a funny energy. I think. Um, go ahead. No, I just, what you were saying is it has to come from internally. It has, like, I, uh, Iāve noticed that people will say, at least to someone else, someone saying, this bad thing happened. At least itās something like, itās bypassing, you know, uh, I hurt my foot and itās really hard to work.
[00:22:59] Well, at least you can walk. You have feet. Iām like, again, that bad gesture I wanna make, itās a way for them to avoid being with you. And I think that sometimes we can do that with ourselves too. We can say, oh, at least I have this as a way to. Kind of bypass that something kind of sucks. And I think that Rick, your, your article that you sent out this morning is just like, can we be with both?
[00:23:23] Like, can we have, can we be with the depth of things that are bad and also the depth of things that are good? Um, at the same time we donāt have to have it perfect. Can we have the space to go, oh, as a dear, like, I am, Iām angry and sad. I can be happy and miserable. I can be, you know, a lot of times weāre fighting.
[00:23:47] I think our society kind of says youāll be, you can be grateful or you can be happy when you get everything lined up. And that happens so rarely. But life is just not like that generally. So the more we can just say, oh, yes. And, um, I think that is really powerful and we get to define it for ourselves. Um.
[00:24:10] Told the and. Okay. Yeah. Do you want me to talk about that or were you just putting it out for everybody? I was putting out for the chat. Um, yeah. Do you wanna talk about what makes it hard for you to hold the, and instead of the but around gratitude? And I think that we are, our society is not very emotionally savvy generally, and it can be really hard, um, to be there.
[00:24:36] And I think someone shared in the chat about how grateful she was when she was little. Um, there wasnāt a lot of, there was a lot of scarcity and parents didnāt always notice her needs. So there was a lot of like, kind of a, it sounds to me, Iām, I may be reading into the words, but the kind of a desperate gratitude, like, oh my goodness, I better be, you know, thereās not a lot, I better be grateful for everything I get.
[00:24:59] And that to me, feels a little fear. Thereās fear and gratitude there, maybe. Um, but I donāt think weāre modeled. We donāt talk about. Emotions a lot in our society. Like, Iām mad at you, but not like, oh, letās go into the nuances of it. I think we just, we that one of the things weāre doing here is talking about those things to kind of role model and practice.
[00:25:22] And if weāve never, if we havenāt had a lot of practice of holding two different things at once, many people canāt even hold, like, like they donāt even deal with their anger or their sadness or whatever. They just like, Iām gonna go shopping or drink or eat, or whatever it is. So of course we donāt have the subtleties.
[00:25:38] Ju Adera is more emotionally savvy than a lot of adults I know. So she can say, Iām angry and sad and feel very indignant that you didnāt get both of them. Um, yeah. Geez. And thatās, thatās been a reminder for me. And thatās where, you know, for me, having a child who expresses assertively has been good and challenging.
[00:26:04] Iām, Iām grateful that, um. My child has that capacity to recognize, and Iām grateful that weāve exposed her to more of the language of emotions she had from very early on a, a chart. And mom used to take her over and, and, and sheād point at the things that she was feeling and sheād often point at 1, 2, 3, 4.
[00:26:31] Um, and, and whatās interesting is I have no recollection in my body of, uh, anyone talking about having more than one emotion at a time. It was like, what color is that? Itās red. Well, itās, itās red tinged with orange. No, itās red. What color is the school bus? Well, I look at it as not like primary yellow.
[00:27:02] Itās sort of this orange and they call it school bus orange or international yellow, whatever. But like that could create some significant arguments with people about just the color of something. And thatās where I love that weāre getting to a place where some of us are not arguing with other peopleās emotional interpretation, but some peopleās, I, I was brought up people like, you shouldnāt feel that way or donāt feel that way, or you donāt, thatās not what youāre feeling.
[00:27:34] Itās like I didnāt, when people would ask me what my emotions were, I was like, I, when I was at, like in my thirties, I was like. I donāt know. Do I have emotions? Iām not really sure. So itās not surprising that we struggle with it in our, in our world. Yeah. And I think the more we can practice, the better it gets.
[00:27:52] And I, so an experiment that I do Oh, do you wanna, go ahead. Go ahead. So, um, letās talk about the butt. So if I say, well, you know, it was, uh, I love the ice cream, but man, the traffic coming home was just, but the traffic coming home was just nasty. What have I done to the, the experience of ice cream? Iāve taken my energy from, ah, we had such a good time having ice cream to, Iām energetically in the traffic.
[00:28:24] Mm-hmm. Um, one of the things that you can experiment with, if you do tapping, is to start with the negative, which is a lot of what people do come to tapping for. Like, even though the traffic was. Horrifying. It took us, it took us two hours to drive 12 minutes. Um, I, I choose to remember also the delight I had with the ice cream and the family and the laughter and the pictures.
[00:29:01] Oh, oh. Even though most of the day at work was, is it stressful? To be honest, I am also noticing that kind word that the customer gave me. And I want that, I want that to land now, now that Iām home, Iām, Iām open to that landing, feeling it resonating with it, even though itās been a very full day and I canāt say that I savored much of it.
[00:29:33] I wonder if, I wonder if in the midst of that stress and that stress and that stress, there might have been some things that are also things Iām grateful for about how I showed up, how I was as a human being, um, my endurance, my body, my, um, whatever it is. And thatās, thatās a fascinating experiment to, to look at.
[00:30:03] Is there gratitude that exists that Iāve, a part of me has, has recognized I can re, I can learn to recall it when I first started my, my gratitude practice, I, I have to say, I could notice, I, Iāve always been practicing noticing the simple uplifts as they happen, but I really was not good at all. Uh, recalling at the end of the day, maybe things that I had missed.
[00:30:36] So I, I could, I could take the simple uplifts of noticing, uh, something and I could kind of put that into long-term memory. That was my science experiment, was if I, if I noted the gratitude at the end of the day before going to sleep, would I be telling my brain, Hey, that was worth going from short term to long term memory.
[00:31:00] And guess what? It works for me. Okay. Uh, but recalling, no, the stuff that I, if I missed it when it passed, when it was there, uh, it was gone. Like I couldnāt, I, I know that thereās something there. Where, and now with practice of looking at that, like, I wonder if thereās something I missed. Tap, tap, tap. Oh yeah, that, yeah.
[00:31:27] My daughter leaned against me when after. This morning, uh, she, she woke up alone 'cause mom was having a hard time sleeping and slept in the other room, and she cried, threw herself down on the ground and in a ball. And, um, that was hard, you know. Um, but I came up, I picked her up and I carried her downstairs and we started reading the Unicorn Academy, which got her in interested.
[00:31:55] Weāre in, it was chapter five. And, um, about halfway through, she just leaned against me and she pointed to the picture. Now, at the time, I donāt know that I noticed it because I was still kind of like wanting to tend to her. But now I, my recall is here. As a science experiment, opening up a recall for yourself.
[00:32:25] Like I wonder if thereās anything that I missed during the day that Iād actually like to savor a bit right now. Or, you know, thank my past self for, for showing up in a way that nourishes me and my future. Go ahead Cathy. Yeah, no, I just, I wanna emphasize that youāre talking about and rather than, but using that language can make it, when we say I had the ice cream was great, but the traffic was bad.
[00:32:56] It kind of puts a period on that and itās like the gratitudeās over the experience is over. Itās done. Um, and I think that also encourages spiritual bypassing, 'cause people donāt wanna look at the negative things that would kind of mix into their glow soup of whatever theyāre making when we say, and we give ourselves permission to feel both.
[00:33:15] The traffic, you know, the ice cream is great and the trafficās kind of, you know, I get to have the experiences Iām having right now in the moment and be with all of them. And I think thatās it. We donāt have to pretend weāre not frustrated with the traffic, but we still have room for the ice cream to be of delicious.
[00:33:33] And maybe, okay, now I can look at other things I can enjoy, but I think a lot of this is about being authentic. And when we try to force it, rather than just allowing ourselves to notice and be present with ourselves, um, for me, I notice a strain and kind of resistance when Iām trying to, like, Iām gonna come up with three things right now.
[00:33:53] Iām grateful for. And Iām gonna do, you know, gonna make 'em sure theyāre good. And thereās like, ah, I donāt want to, but can I just breathe and like be quiet with myself for a minute and notice is there other things Iām grateful for? Just being curious instead of dictatorial, um, is really, it allows a lot more ease and I really feel the resonance rather than that kind of holding on and trying to make something happen.
[00:34:17] So just, I wanted to emphasize the, and part of what you said, because I think thatās, thatās really powerful. Um, and I just, I also wanted to say something someone said in the chat, they, um, were very appreciative when they were little. Again, that kind of fearful appreciation, but they also kind of want to be able to take things for granted, just kind of be in the like, oh, things nice things happen sometimes and I donāt have to pay it back or like grab onto every nice feeling.
[00:34:49] Um, I know when I was little I often felt like I had to grab onto the good feelings and hold on real tight as opposed to like, oh no, life is pretty okay and I can just flow with it. And so maybe tapping on that, you know, that feeling of Iāve gotta hold onto everything I get might be something that could help ease that a little bit because there is something nice about, like, Adera just assumes that people are going to love her and do nice things with her most of the time.
[00:35:13] And I think thatās a nice way to walk through the world. An interesting, um, again, like I would. A part of me says, Ooh, what an interesting experiment. Um, like, oh, I, I, I appreciate that. I get to take for granted. What, like, um, if I had an unreliable car and it started on a cold morning, I would be so grateful it started.
[00:35:51] The heavens have have smiled down upon me. Iāve had unreliable cars, but my car right now has a new battery and he is, he is significantly reliable. And I take, I take for granted that when I go out to start my car, that itās gonna start. And as I tune to that as an experiment, like what do I get to take for granted?
[00:36:19] How wonderful. Oh, you know, I. I get to take for granted a lot in the relationships that I have now. Taking it for granted doesnāt mean not caring about it. It just means that Iām not having to track it all the time. Itās not a question mark. So itās like an answered question that, that person loves me, that that person values me, and I, I get to live in that reality.
[00:36:47] I get to live in the reality of what? And um, thatās an and because as soon as I go there, I notice the, but you can hear it. Itās like, but, but thereās so much we better not take for granted, right? Because itās not, itās not reliable and robust and and fault tolerant. It is, uh, something that we have to tend to, and there are things that are like that.
[00:37:17] I can, I. It come when you think about your health and when you think about food, when you think about other things there, thereās probably a spectrum of, Hey, I get to take it for granted this week. Like that we have enough food to eat. Yeah. And the end of the week, if itās true, itās like, oh, my science experiment came true.
[00:37:38] And I, I appreciate that. I got to not have to worry about it quite so much. Um, what Iām in, what Iām inviting in this skillful look at energy is how can we, if, if gratitude really is a nourishment, it is vibrationally saying to our body, um, at least for this moment in time, Iām allowed to tune to something which isnāt life or death.
[00:38:07] My, i, I have the, the space this moment, this, you know, bubble floating away and then pop, but it. Fine. It was still fun bubble. We chase it around the driveway with Adera. Um, and I get to, to savor that for a moment. I get to be with it for a moment. I get to acknowledge it for a moment. What does that do inside of us?
[00:38:35] And if you donāt feel a bit of an, an, a settling and an uplift from that, I believe that thereās an, there are experiments that you can do. Um, like what if I really settled into the gratitude I feel for being able to take this for granted? Yeah. It may not be, you know, physical stuff. Even it may be energetic stuff, spiritual stuff that youāre like, you know, I just know this.
[00:39:04] I, I can, I donāt have to tend to it constantly. I, itās not like that flower thatās on our table that if I donāt. We were given a flower. Um, if I donāt water it enough, it starts, you know, I canāt take the flower for granted or itās going to dry out in the winter heat. Um, but I donāt have to, to constantly be worried about watering my partner.
[00:39:30] Um, you know, I, we, we have a kind of connection that just naturally tends to each other. It doesnāt have to be something that Iām thinking of all the time. Thereās a certain level of devotion that I can, I really can not have to tend to every single minute of the day. And, yeah. What does this bring up for folks?
[00:39:57] If you wanna share and you donāt have to, uh, we welcome you to be a listener and a participant. Um, just you being here helps to co-create it. Uh, Cathy and I are more than capable of talking and engaging around stuff. Um, just one-on-one. We do all the time, almost every day. Um, but this is a special space where peopleās energy and attitude and some of the things that have been shared by email and who we know is here.
[00:40:25] There are some people that I, I know better than others. Um, some that Iāve known a long time and a long time ago. Uh, others that are still very active in our, our, uh, our ThrivingNow circle. Um, I think itās so, I. Itās important for people to, when we share the chat, weāre putting ourselves out there a little more, and it tends to make us feel more involved.
[00:40:50] But it also can bring, uh, for me, when I share and participate, it helps me access the information deeper, and it often gives me more insight. So itās not a, a demand in any way, but an invitation. I love what people have shared because when we do share, often weāre, weāll see things in a different way. Um, so we, our invitation is always to take it to the depth that feels good to you.
[00:41:14] But I just wanna remind people that sometimes I feel selfish when Iām putting messages in. Oh, they have to, Iāll distract from someone else or whatever. And Iām like, oh, no. I can add by being in there, Iām adding to the, to the richness of the broth that weāre making together. Yeah. Someone brought up a situation, um.
[00:41:36] And I think that in the general sense, there are things that happened to us. Thereās no part of me that was grateful for the abuse I suffered as a teenager. Looking back at it as an experience, as a time period and what it did to me, IM not grateful mm-hmm. That it happened. I can be grateful that it, the infliction of non-consent.
[00:42:07] I am grateful that consent is so essential to me and no, and not in enough as fearful a way as it could have. Iāve really like, you know, the work that we did with Cuddle Party and other things, Cathy and, and you and I Iāve been discussing like, how do you create a container where consent, um, adds the richness.
[00:42:33] Yes. The, the sense of yes, yes, yes. Um, and consent makes that possible for me. Um, so I can be grateful of the man that Iāve become, the lover Iāve become, the the person I am that took that shit and composted it and has grown some pretty good things in the same way that if you get cut off from a relationship that that mattered to you, and thereās some, some real heartache and pain from that being a truth like, I, I so wish it didnāt happen that way, and here I am and, and hey, Iām learning and I can hold the gratitude for who Iāve become and the freedom that I have, and that thereās been a right distance, right depth.
[00:43:33] Uh, this has meant that I am freer from, uh, certain energies and itās given me more space. And it gives you a compassion too. Iāve noticed, like I felt very safe sharing about my abuse. 'cause you shared, I knew that you, I guess Iāve, Iāve worked with people that have never walked in those shoes and itās like.
[00:43:58] They, they can tell me from the outside what to do, but theyāve never been in that space. So itās just the compassion and that, the insight that it brings. Iām so glad that you were able to take that shit and use it in a way that helps other people heal. And I try to do the same with mine. Itās like, oh yeah, I can, I, Iāve never walked in that particular, those shoes, but I understand what itās like to have your choice taken away and to be very scared.
[00:44:27] I think that we can, thereās, I just, I love that youāre digging for the, in, in a pile of shit. How do we find something good? Um, and maybe itās the way weāve dealt with it or what weāve learned from healing from it. And there wouldāve been a lot of points where if somebody had prematurely told me, oh yeah, well, um, and thatās a, and thatās a, a tricky thing.
[00:44:55] Like I. I know that people want us, who love us and care about us, want us to recover from trauma and um, or recover from cancer or recover from a lot of things. And, um,
[00:45:22] itās practicing this skill of gratitude works. Iāll just share that thereās a lot thatās happen, happens with people in my world and Iām profoundly grateful for certain aspects of it or how theyāre showing up. And I know that if I feel that with them, for them, for the others that are a part of their world.
[00:45:54] For the growth thatās happening, for the healing thatās happening, for the maturing, thatās happening for the, um, I like who I am in their world as a holder of a, a larger perspective. And I canāt think of many cases where if I were to slather someone with all of those aspects, it would actually be helpful.
[00:46:22] No, it has. I think it has to come from inside and we have to process some of the hurt before we can see that, um, thereās, to try to try to force it again. Thereās been times Iāve really, Iāve gotta be grateful for something, let me find it and that it doesnāt. It never felt authentic. It felt like a lot of effort and I didnāt feel like I was vibrating with the, the energy of it.
[00:46:45] So if weāre mad or if weāre upset or we felt like we lost it, maybe we need to do some tapping on. Iāve lost it. Itās never coming back, and I refuse to have it ever again. And then once weāve, you know, let some that have some voice, maybe weāll find time for, or something a little more for space for something that we can see that might be something weāre grateful for.
[00:47:08] Mm-hmm.
[00:47:11] In another workshop, I might answer this question differently, but I want to, I want to look at this question 'cause I think itās a powerful one. How do I write distance, write depth, um, write yes. With someone whoās always asking for help instead of researching things. They always want more from me, almost more than I can give.
[00:47:40] And we have workshops on healthy boundaries and, and finding your yes and things like that. But as a gratitude science experiment, sorry. If I try this situation on, and Iām, this may not fit for anyone, but Iām gonna, Iām gonna say that if I tried it on, I was like, you know, Iām grateful that Iām so useful that actually, you know, Iām being asked for things that Iām capable of doing.
[00:48:08] Way more things than I want to be doing. And Iām grateful that I am somebody with Resource A mind that can find answers and a capacity for that. And, and whatās after that? Itās like, yeah. And Iād like to be able to say, yeah, I like to be useful. Thatās too much. Oh, and here are your 12 questions a day. You used one, use another.
[00:48:48] Use another. Yep. Youāre all done. You can ask me tomorrow. Thereāll be 12 more tomorrow. Iām playing with it because thereās, we can be grateful that in the repulsion that we might feel, or the overwhelm that we might feel. Am I, do I have any cleverness? Creativity, if youāre grateful for where you were clever, creative, or funny or something like that around a completely different area.
[00:49:16] I believe that gratitude acts as, um, uh, I wish I knew the term for it in science, but it it, it helps the energy. Come over into other parts of our life, right? It like, you get to, you get to hold this gratitude in this area, and then it, it sort of finds its way into other areas where itās useful. Um, so the, and there, if, if I am in a, in a situation that really is, is too much, um, in my and experiment, itās like, is there anything I admire about myself in this situation?
[00:50:04] Anything. Anything that Iām actually grateful that Iām this person, you know? Oh, Iām actually looking, I donāt feel obligated. I feel distressed. I feel like almost like thereās some have to here. Maybe I do feel obligated, but Iām wise enough at this point to wanna free myself from the obligation energy and get to a place where Iām acting from my Yes.
[00:50:29] Um, go ahead. Yeah. Yeah. I just, I love this question. I think thereās a lot of depth to it too. Um, I might, one of the things Iāve trying to do is if someone is doing that, I kind of first come back and say, okay, this is a great opportunity for me to practice being in my moment. Yes and no. And also have I talked to them about how do they know how to do research?
[00:50:54] Do they realize that I think they should do research. They need a pointer on how to do the research. But then if they keep asking, Iāve been trying to practice this with some of family members is like. They get to ask as much as they want until I tell them not to. If I tell them that you need to stop asking them, thatās a boundary.
[00:51:13] But if I havenāt told them, they get to ask as much as they want to, and I get to practice going internally 'cause Iām not good at that. Iām like, oh, of course Iāll help you. So Iām using that as, okay, the universe has sent me someone to practice on. Ru, do I wanna do this or not? You know what, Iām glad to help you for a few minutes, but Iām not gonna do the whole thing for you.
[00:51:32] Or letās meet next Thursday to do that. Or like, Iām, Iām practicing being with myself with that so I can be grateful for the practice. And at some point I can say, like, like I told my mom, please donāt text me of 13 different things you wanna ask about. Email them to me. Weāll, Iāll make a list, weāll talk about it when we talk, but the texts feel very urgent and thatās distressing.
[00:51:55] So, you know, like I, I ask for something different and most of the time that happens. So, um, itās a, I donāt have to be grateful that that person is asking for more than I want to give, but I can use that as a practice, a way to, okay, maybe this is something I need to practice, or maybe I just need to set a boundary.
[00:52:15] Um, I. Itās harder when you, youāre cohabitating with someone when they do that. And I think that if they can hear boundaries being very clear about whatās okay and not, like Rick said, you get this many questions or, um, you know, and again, I like to go back. Sometimes I assume that they, they know how to do research 'cause I know how to do research.
[00:52:38] So, and if they have no interest in it, itās like you better pick your questions well because after you hit five, Iām done. Um, if you can do that, and sometimes itās hard to do that when youāre living with someone. So, um, it could challenging.
[00:52:59] Were you gonna say something Rick? Iām sorry. Uh, I didnāt set an alarm, but weāre here at um, uh, a point where weāre gonna take a seven minute break, if thatās okay. That sounds good. And gives people a chance to integrate. Um. And again, I weāre not trying to coerce gratitude to where it doesnāt belong. Yeah.
[00:53:27] And my, my hypothesis and there, there, thereās quite a few studies about the, the influence of gratitude and gratitude practices on someoneās sense of thriving, particularly thriving anyway. So if you live with someone and heās losing his memory and now heās becoming more and more reliant, um, it may be that in that specific container, the gratitude is just, doesnāt feel like it fits.
[00:54:07] Um, just as you know, uh. I, I know this person and I love their sense of humor. And when it pops up on my timeline, um, thereās often a, a smile and the like, and there are places where humor and moods that Iām in that maybe humor doesnāt fit. And the same way there are places, there are places in my world where, um, gratitude for who I am fits, but not gratitude for the situation.
[00:54:47] Does that make sense? Yeah. I want it. I think part of the energy savvy here is to, as you said, Cathy, have it be self-generated from that, that inquiry. Um, what, what could I actually feel good about being grateful for the small area of my. Of my life, especially, I believe that a lot of times things get, we, my mind tends to make something really big like work, right?
[00:55:27] You know, work is a big thing. It involves a lot of different pieces. But if you asked me, am I grateful for my work? It really, like, thatās almost a flip of the coin. Like, you could hit me one moment and Iām just, oh, I love my work. And the other is like, no, I gotta pay the bills. I hate, I hate my work. I, the pri primitive brain tends to push things together and then make binary decisions about it.
[00:55:57] Thriving for me, especially around gratitude, is to look for slices that are real and significant. They actually matter to you and you know why they matter to you. Kindness. Kindness matters to me. And as much as I do not like going into Walmart, which I went to twice this week, um, there was a guy, and at the time I was so like preparing my neurodiversity to go into this space to try to find the new plates that I needed to get.
[00:56:39] Um, I didnāt really let it land what he said to me, but he was a bell ringer and he said, good to see you. And I was the only one walking in. And he meant it. There was an energy of actually meaning it, and I didnāt pay him any attention. I couldnāt describe you his face, but in that very, very narrow slice of the overall experience of.
[00:57:10] And the headache and everything else. And the door ringer was actually glad to see me and he meant it and Iām, Iām grateful that he is the type of person thatās greeting some people coming into a space which can be disorienting for many ways, for many of us. So weāll take a seven minute pause here and weāll be back.
[00:57:38] Steven said, oh, youāre starting. Okay. Welcome back. Yeah, just for the memory stuff, I, Iāve been doing some research, research 'cause my stepdad has dementia and there are things that you can do, like boards or whatever. Thereās, if you search for that, that can, reminders, that can sometimes reduce that, some of that.
[00:58:01] And sometimes thereās just a lot of, a lot of questions when people canāt remember the answers, so Iām sorry about that. Yeah.
[00:58:13] Um, well, and, and someone shared. And I, I think that this goes to what I was saying, I do appreciate a lot of things and often surprise myself how I can create colorful and joyful moments in the midst of chaos. And the fear and worry and unsafety I feel in my life at the moment are still overwhelming and taking over the general mood.
[00:58:36] And thatās where, if, you know, if I use the, the example of work, you know. Am I grateful for my life? Um, thatās a challenging question because thereās all, all kinds of things. And then from a spiritual standpoint, the answer of itās of course, yes, Iām glad I woke up. There was a period of my life where, um, waking up each day was actually like, I was really grateful, like Iām alive and Iām getting better and Iām healing.
[00:59:12] And the gratitude was, was, was real. And there were periods right before then where, uh, you know, waking up, I wasnāt so sure. I was grateful to be waking up. And that level of pain and that level of uncertainty, um, I, I hear and know, I, I know the person that shared, shared this and I. The overall mood and vibe and, and, and level of challenge we can have.
[00:59:44] Even those of us that really are devoted to thriving anyway, the level of challenge can rise to a point where itās like the overall mood has changed. And if you add 2, 3, 4 things that are really significant, the overall mood, if you looked at it and, and you know, picked a color of it, it might, it, it might not be a calm gratitude, uh, reminder.
[01:00:16] Energy just wouldnāt, like, thereās a lot going on. Mm-hmm. It, it doesnāt, and if you, you kind of in your, your expression there, remind me that at least some humans. Iām grateful now to, to be one of them, that even in the midst of a, of crisis or multiple crises can find moments like my daughter leaning against my shoulder.
[01:00:49] And weāre reading Unicorn Academy, uh, uh, book one of the nature series again. Um, youāre watching Frozen for the 15th time this week. Um, yeah. If, if, if we look at is, is it possible for me as a human wired the way I am growing, the way I am, developing, the way I am, challenge the way I am distressed, perhaps in the way I am and the people Iām caring about?
[01:01:26] Um, are there slices where there is some color, where there is a. I start to navigate by, um, in the midst of a dark sea. Um, itās, itās not, itās, I donāt think less of people that really, thatās, thatās just not where their nervous system can be. Um, there were definitely times in my life where, uh, I had so much in retrospect, I had so much I could have been grateful for, and it wouldāve been nourishing to me.
[01:02:04] It really wouldāve, like if I wished something back in time, it wouldāve been like for Ricky to have a buddy that he could actually like, tune to whatās really cool in his life amidst the blah. Um, right. Like, that wouldāve been really great if I could go back like, Hey, what, whatās alive for you buddy?
[01:02:25] Anything that youāre, anything youāre enjoying and, uh, hear the but and help him, you know, be in the and of it all. Uh, that wouldāve been great, but my nervous system at the time, uh, didnāt have the support and the space to, to, to have that. I didnāt have anyone, uh, that really had that orientation. So I appreciate that any of us that are exploring, not telling people to be grateful or shoving it up their nose when they really are smelling the rot, uh, that might be in their refrigerator or in their, their world at the moment, but holding that, like, holding that for ourselves, holding the gratitude for like, oh, Iām grateful I am close enough to this person, that I actually know whatās going on in their world a bit.
[01:03:28] A bit more than certainly a casual stranger. And, and that thereās a depth of trust and awareness that, um, and I love them and I want the best for them and their family. I truly do. If we, if we are holding some of that energy, I really do think it allows for those of us, those people that weāre connected to, to have moments of color and love and realness, um, to cry, you know?
[01:04:07] Um,
[01:04:11] yeah, I donāt know if itās applicable or not, but itās something that has come up for me when Iāve had rough times as an adult. Um. I think that old traumas are best dissolved in some somewhat similar situations. Sometimes like ideally we could just sit and tap and clear things out, but sometimes I avoid them.
[01:04:34] Iāve inhibited stuff so much that, um, the only time I really face them is when something in my current life brings, brings up something similar. And I have the analogy of, to, to get out an oil-based stain, you need an oil-based soap. So sometimes when I am not, I donāt ever appreciate it happening, but when I am facing things that make me very sad or very scared or very overwhelmed.
[01:05:01] I try to hold onto, maybe this is a, a time where I can kind of learn how to process this better and let some of the old, the old stains that are still buried in my soul to, um, get cleaned out as well. So I donāt know if that, if, you know, take what you like and toss the rest, itās not a telling you that this is happening for the good at all.
[01:05:24] Itās, I hate every minute of it and I nash my teeth and kick my feet and, um, but I, I have found sometimes that Iāve cleared things that I didnāt know. I, I donāt think I wouldāve ever faced them in this lifetime if I hadnāt had something that resonated come up hard. Um, and then it just kind of like the universe was like, yeah, well, so sorry, but this might be the only way youāre gonna look at it.
[01:05:50] Or, you know, Iām not quite sure how it all happens, but, um. Thatās given me some hope as Iāve gone through it. Sometimes itās, you know, sometimes I feel like Iām just holding on barely. And that gave me something to like, maybe, maybe thereās something on the other side of this. Thatās really good. Um, Rick, Iād love to do a little tapping on 'cause weāre getting towards the end of the call and Iād love to do, um, is the neighbor too noisy?
[01:06:18] Heās mowing his lawn. I, I hear it, but it a little bit, but itās okay. Mostly, um, I think that many of us were brought up with a feeling of, um, gratitude had certain rules, restrictions, how we had to be with it. And Iād just love to just do a little tapping on, maybe it doesnāt have to be like that. Maybe I can just let the resonance of whatās real and aligned.
[01:06:42] So if youāre, if youāre interested in that, I invite you to take a nice deep breath. And just see if you can be here as much as you can here and now with these. I love the fact that weāre here in the circle of people. Iām really grateful for that. I grew up very alone and I love the fact that like-minded people here with lots of courage or looking at this together, and that to me is just such a gift karate chap.
[01:07:07] Even though I had very strict rules about what gratitude was coming up, even though I had very strict rules about what gratitude was growing up, and there were lots of rules about when it was right and when it was wrong. There were lots of rules when it was required, right? And required, yes, and when it was wrong and who I owed it to and who I owed it to.
[01:07:34] What if I can be just with my feelings right now? What if I can be with my feelings right now? Top of the Head:. What if I donāt owe anybody gratitude, including myself? What if I donāt owe anyone gratitude, including myself about what? If I can just be curious about what Iām feeling? What if I could be curious about what Iām feeling Side of the Eye: and leave room for gratitude in there too.
[01:08:04] And leave room for gratitude there too. And yeah, it doesnāt have to be there. It does not have to be there. And who knows? And it might be, and it might be Jen. Things donāt have to be perfect for me to be grateful and things better not have to be perfect for me to be grateful. Telephone. Iām just curious about what might feel good to me right now.
[01:08:31] Iām curious about what might feel good to me right now and there Iām also interested in practicing nice feelings once in a. I am interested in practicing nice feelings once in a while, Top of the Head:. Gratitude might be a good place to start. Gratitude might be included there. Iām curious what I might be grateful for.
[01:08:53] Iām curious what I might be grateful for. And I just invite you to take a deep breath. And Iāve trying to notice for myself more when I push myself versus being still and quiet with myself and I try to give myself a little more space rather than, oh, I need to go there. Itās like, can I be here first? Can I be right where I am?
[01:09:17] Um, and thereās nothing wrong. If you need more, you need to process more anger or sadness or fear or whateverās there, like the emotions we have are authentic. And when we try to make something happen, weāre kind of like grabbing it and kind of steering it. It doesnāt really flow. At least in my experience, I can definitely draw my attention places, but when I try to force something, itās not, it doesnāt feel resonant or healing.
[01:09:47] Mm-hmm. Um, and one of the, the thoughts that Iāve been exploring recently is that itās people that work with people in trauma who have a trauma is that when we can be present, itās also a very Buddhist, uh, approach. If I can be present right here and now without the overlays of other things, um, itās very healing to the body.
[01:10:09] Itās very fulfilling. It allows the cells, the cells, and the body to heal. So, um, if Iām trying to make something happen, Iām in the future. Iām in the past, Iām above where I am, as opposed to just dropping in, can I be here and now as much as possible and just let be. What is including you room for, like, things that might feel good.
[01:10:36] Thatās an interesting invitation.
[01:10:41] And you know, I have a, I have a hypothesis that at times when I was most distressed, I actually wasnāt with what is, I was with a part of what was. But if I, if I put myself back there and if I allowed more of what is the, the, and this and this and this and this, and this and this and that, that, that, and I, I allow myself to be with that.
[01:11:29] I. I actually canāt perceive a, a, a time in my life where there wasnāt a tone. If gratitude was a tone or gratitude, something that gratitude wanted to reach me, or I feel, I feel that like, as part of my being with what is, thereās
[01:11:57] the blessings, the energy of blessing was there and,
[01:12:08] and as I, as I said in my gratitude experiment here, 200 and some days of it, there are days when my, my, I canāt be with everything that is, I canāt, I canāt sit right then. I just, I need to say goodbye to the day and not try. Um,
[01:12:33] if I wake then the next morning, whatās, whatās interesting to me is even if I canāt put a label on it, and I canāt describe it to anyone else, thereās often in, in the past, the recent past, something that I would, if Iām with all that, is thereās a, thereās a quality that Iām, Iām deeply grateful for that it exists in creation and in co-creation and in the energy that supports me.
[01:13:12] And in staying alive and being alive and my family and the healing and the um,
[01:13:24] and.
[01:13:29] Yeah, that Iām, Iām sharing an experiment of, of becoming
[01:13:37] aware of not requiring myself to tune to that, being aware that it exists and itās, itās a bit of a different tone than, than love, and itās a bit of a different tone than kind of a willingness of support and the like. Itās an isness that like, oh, Iām grateful for that isness, and it is something that actually I can take pretty, pretty much for granted.
[01:14:10] And when I tune to it, that isness, thereās, thereās a nourishment that comes from it, like hearing, feeling a vibration that just works for you and, um. With you. I love it. I love thinking of it as an experiment because we get to, that means we get to try different things and see what works and what doesnāt.
[01:14:36] And you know, Iām, Iām someone whoād be like, Iām gonna feel gratitude five hours a day. And that wouldnāt, Iād be my nervous system be like, Nope. Um, so we can challenge you there.
[01:14:53] See if you feel gratitude for this anxiety. Um, yeah, so I, I like the idea of just, I, I like the being curious part of it. Like how can you know what is there and how can I experience it and what works for me to help me feel better in my life? And. Life is really kind of an science experiment where weāre just kind of like, how do I get through this without looking, you know, without falling flat in my face too often?
[01:15:21] And what, what can I learn from falling outta my face? Mm-hmm. Um, I got to follow my, I was at a conference a couple weeks ago and in front of a bunch of people, I fell flat. It was very, uh, I hadnāt asked for humility that day. Physically. Physically. And I was really, I, my foot hurt for, itās still a little sore, but I was like, wow, this gives me so much more.
[01:15:44] I donāt wish this happened. Iām really frustrated, but I have a lot more compassion for people that have trouble getting around. 'cause this is, you know, like, I didnāt realize that an uneven sidewalk could cause so much distress. I didnāt, it just never crossed my mind. So it was a very powerful insight and I am grateful that I had it.
[01:16:04] And hopefully I donāt need any more lessons on that, but weāll see. Mm. Yeah. Thank you all. Appreciate you. Yeah. Um, yeah, and, uh, Iām grateful for those that are empathetic and prayerful and sensitive, that are sending energy to, uh, to my family and to my boy. And, um,
[01:16:42] itās, uh,
[01:16:53] itās an interesting experience for me to, uh, have, you know, start it with just more, yes. Thank you. Thank you universe. Thank you, universe. Thank you. Um, and to get to a place where, um, youāre just really tender in finding the heart of a matter. And, um,
[01:17:35] I know that in the midst of going from yes to, yes, to please God, no bo Dear. Yes. Um, and finding people that responded
[01:17:55] to the kind of heartistry gratitude that we were holding and continue to hold.
[01:18:07] Um.
[01:18:13] Itās, uh, just deeply nourishing
[01:18:20] to be a part of someoneās gratitude and prayer and willingness and, and holding, holding all of us in our, in this, uh, period. And, uh, I know whatās interesting to me and is that, uh, I can see a version of me that didnāt start the gratitude practice
[01:18:57] and, uh, uh, heād feel less supported because.
[01:19:07] When thereās an outpouring of support and energy, um, if youāre tuned to the gratitude,
[01:19:21] um,
[01:19:25] it grounds it. Thereās something for me that
[01:19:31] the person who is grateful that they have the resource to come and, and bring some food. The person whoās grateful that they are capable of holding a space to listen without being dysregulated or fearful. What I notice is that whether theyāre conscious of it or not. There are people that are showing up with a capacity to hold an aspect of the wholeness.
[01:20:14] And itās not in the doing. Itās definitely in the being. And uh, itās just really tender and beautiful and Iām very grateful. And, uh,
[01:20:31] thank you.
[01:20:37] Iām gonna stop the recording there and I just, I wanna say something thatās off the recording for the people that are here and Iām just gonna do that. Thank you for joining us and, um, more to come.
Gratitude Science Experiments
āGratitude is the intentional recognition and appreciation of something goodā¦ without denying difficulty or pain.ā
Let Gratitude Be Messy & Real
āCan we be with the depth of things that are bad and also the depth of things that are good?ā
We donāt have to have it perfect. We get to feel angry at the traffic and enjoy the ice cream. We can be happy and miserable in the same hour. When we stop trying to force a glow and instead give ourselves permission to notice whatās actually here, the energy softens and becomes more authentic.
Experiment: Breathe. Name one hard thing youāre carrying right now and one small, specific good thatās present (even if itās as simple as a doorāgreeter who meant āGood to see youā). Let both sit side by side.
Starting with āIām Not Grateful Yetā
āIf weāre mad or upset or we feel like we lost it, maybe we need to do some tapping on āIāve lost it. Itās never coming back.āā
Weāve both had days that felt emotionally dehydratedālike the well went dry and we couldnāt even want gratitude. When the nervous system is overwhelmed, the honest start is, āI donāt feel grateful.ā That honesty is medicine. We can tap right there and let the pump prime itself again.
Experiment: For 20ā30 seconds, tap lightly and tell the truth youāre living: āPart of me doesnāt feel grateful.ā Notice any tiny shift, any breath that finds you.
MicroāGratitudes, Not Big Leaps
āLook for slices that are real and significantā¦ kindness that actually landed.ā
Rather than āAm I grateful for work/life?ā (too big), we tune to small, honest slices: a bell ringer who said, āGood to see you,ā and meant it; a kid leaning on your shoulder during a chaotic week; the moment AAA is on the way and youāre dry in the car.
Experiment: Name one concrete, sensory slice and why it matters to you. Let it land for a breath or two.
Let the Body Lead
āIf I can be present right here and nowā¦ itās very healing to the body.ā
When we stop forcing a feeling and drop into what is, cells get a chance to settle. Presence says to our body, āRight now, weāre allowed to tune to something that isnāt life or death.ā We donāt have to hold it for hours; titrate joy and gratitude in small sips and step back when you need.
Experiment: Sit for 20ā30 seconds. Feel one spot thatās 2% softer or more supported (jaw, breath, the chair). Let your nervous system register the tone of safety there.
Respect the Part That Refuses Gratitude
āItās okay to take it in baby stepsā¦ even one second at a time.ā
If a protective part worries that relaxing will get us hurt, we respect that. We donāt bypass with āat leastā¦ā. We titrateāpractice a second or five of something that feels good, then pause. That pacing builds trust and capacity.
Experiment: Offer one second of ease, then check in with yourself: āWas that okay?ā If yes, try five seconds next time; if not, pause and honor the pace that feels safe.
The AND Practice (Anger & Grief Welcome)
āWe donāt have to pretend weāre not frustrated by the trafficāand we still have room for the ice cream to be delicious.ā
Emotional freedom grows when we put gratitude at the same table with anger, grief, and fear. We can honor what hurts and let something nourishing land.
Experiment: Speak a twoāpart truth: āIām so tired of thisā¦ and Iām grateful I can feel all this and still be here breathing and tapping.ā
Experiments, Not Performances
āLife is really kind of a science experimentā¦ what can I learn from falling on my face?ā
We try things, notice what resonates, and refine. A daily āgratitude practiceā can be as simple as recalling a small uplift at dayās end so your brain moves it from shortāterm into longāterm memory. Hypothesize, test, observeāno moral grading.
Experiment: This week, pick one tiny hypothesis: āIf I pause once a day to savor one genuine slice, does my mood settle even 1%?ā
Bridge āWhat Hurtsā to āWhat Helpsā
āEven though the traffic was horrifyingā¦ I choose to remember the delight with the ice cream and the laughter.ā
We can tap through the hard and add the resources that are here nowābreath, tapping, one person who gets usāso support shows up alongside the pain.
Experiment: After naming what hurt, name one resource you have right now and let it hum in your body for a few breaths.
Rewire Safety, Not Beliefs
āSettle into the gratitude of being able to take this for granted.ā
Gratitude + tapping teach the body, āRight now, weāre allowed to tune to something that isnāt life or death.ā Itās less about convincing ourselves and more about giving our system a presentāmoment tone that feels safe.
Experiment: Settle into one thing you can take for granted today (a connection that doesnāt need constant tending, a simple support already here). Savor it for a moment, then let it go.
Relational & Communal Gratitude
āItās not in the doingāitās in the being.ā
Gratitude deepens when weāre accompanied by people who can hold a wider wholeness without pushing. Being with others who can listen without dysregulating turns gratitude into a shared nervousāsystem experience.
Experiment: Share a quick checkāin with one trusted person: whatās hard and one small thing youāre grateful for today. If theyāre willing, tap together for a minute.
Weave Gratitude into a Thriving Life
āOur muscles get stronger when we practice a little each day.ā
We build capacity through repeatable, lowāpressure ritualsālike morning movement in nature and a nightly recall of one uplift so your brain tags it as worth keeping. Over time, those honest moments change the color of our days.
Experiment: Before sleep, remember one small uplift from today and let it land for a breath or two. In the morning, notice one simple appreciation as you move through your first steps.
EFT Tapping Round ā Gratitude Without Rules
(Settle where you are. Breathe. Weāre letting whatās real lead.)
Side of Hand: Even though I had very strict rules about what gratitude was growing up, there were lots of rules about when it was right and when it was wrong. There were lots of rules when it was required and when it was wrong and who I owed it to.
Top of Head: What if I can be with my feelings right now? What if I donāt owe anyone gratitude, including myself? What if I can be curious about what Iām feeling?
Side of Eye: And leave room for gratitude there too. It doesnāt have to be thereāand it might be.
Top of Head: Iām curious what might feel good to me right now. Gratitude might be included here. Iām curious what I might be grateful for.
(Pause. Breathe. Notice any softening or spaciousness.)
Closing
āWhen thereās an outpouring of support, tuning to gratitude grounds it. People show up with a capacity to hold an aspect of the wholenessā¦ Itās tender and beautiful. Thank you.ā
Weāre grateful youāre hereācurious, courageous, and willing to experiment. More to come.
āGratitude turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos into order, confusion into clarityā¦ it makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision of joy for tomorrow.ā
ā Melody Beattie