Mistakes are not just inevitable—they’re essential for growth and connection. By practicing these tools with compassion and curiosity, we create space for more emotional freedom and resilience in our lives. Let’s meet our mistakes with grace—and use them as inspiration for thriving!
Click for Computer Generated Transcript
Grace in Mistakes
[00:00:00] Grace in Mistakes. And we humans do so much to avoid mistakes. We do so much to avoid mistakes that we can make ourselves small and contracted and not very free. And Our workshop today, our Real Skills Workshop today is to explore ways that we can free ourselves up a bit and to find ways to be both human and growing and thriving and accepting of the things that happen automatically in our body.
[00:00:35] And I’m Rick from Thriving Now. I’m here with Cathy Vartuli from Thriving Now and the Intimacy Dojo. Hello everyone. What in the world is a mistake? Um, the thought I have around it is, it’s something that we, we’re doing something that we didn’t intend to or expect. So, um, like I have a certain expectation of how things will flow today and it didn’t flow that way.
[00:01:02] I did too much in the yard yesterday, but I was going to get up and I was going to like plant these plants. But I didn’t get to do it and I kind of feel like, Oh, I made a mistake. I need to plant these plants. So I had a picture of how it should look. Or when I’m walking to see my friends and I’m waving, I don’t expect to trip or to wave at someone who’s not my friend who looks like them.
[00:01:24] So it’s, I’m not meeting my expectations or my intentions or other people’s expectations or intentions. And sometimes we’re not meeting our agreements either. But I think when we kind of add in the Often it’s our own picture of things and then we’re getting mad at ourselves because our picture doesn’t match reality.
[00:01:43] I think that’s like a third of the things I get upset with myself about as mistakes are just like, Oh, it didn’t look like this in my head. And like, Oh, I meant for it to look different. So what are your thoughts? Right.
[00:01:58] I, I like that. And in fact, um, it fits the, um, Sort of the definition of mistake as being something that was not intended. Um, uh, it wasn’t a conscious act to cause harm or to get, uh, to do something. Um, and yeah, it’s like, oh, I didn’t expect that. I didn’t intend that. Um, that wasn’t, that wasn’t my picture, but for all of us and the chat is open.
[00:02:31] Um, what did it mean to make a mistake when you were a kid?
[00:02:41] Like As soon as I imagine little Ricky death, well, that’s, that’s, that means that the death penalty was something in your, in your ecosystem, like where you were growing up, where you’re, you’re. You’re there, and to make a mistake could mean something extreme, right? Um, for me it meant I was wrong. And that was supported by all the tests I took where I didn’t get not only all the answers correct, But the extra points as well,
[00:03:28] I think they’re like part of me that questions. Yeah, you didn’t get 10%. How stupid What were you thinking? Um, yeah, like, there’s a quality of external pressure and judgment and harshness around something. And I was I was raised that way, not completely, not by everyone, but it was enough, it was painful enough, it created enough of a separation and enough of an obliteration of feeling safe and curious and alive and, oh, I want to learn this.
[00:04:08] Not if it’s going to mean getting a C. I don’t want to learn anything that means I’m going to get a C on my permanent record. You’ve got to be kidding, right? And I still run into that if I’m trying something new, um, where My, my body is still rubbing part of the, the original programming and that original programming goes back, um, many thousands of years.
[00:04:35] And it also goes back from the time that I first started trying things and was either encouraged or told, no, no, no, that’s not the way. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. What were you thinking? How, and if you’re called stupid. We’re making a mistake. Guess what? If you value feeling smart and looking smart,
[00:04:59] now I got to be really careful and that’s a route for perfectionism, which isn’t very graceful, right? Any recovering perfectionists here? Perfectionism is not grateful. I think it also depends a lot on, like, my family was very depleted when we were growing up. They were struggling. We were very poor. Um, they didn’t have a lot of emotional coping skills.
[00:05:26] Things were not going well. Um, so any little mistake felt like a catastrophe to them. One, it could be like, like, we were so close, like, literally, I remember my mom going through the sofa to buy gasoline to look for change. Like, we were just really poor. Um, and, so, like, a mistake from a kid could cost money they didn’t have.
[00:05:48] But they were also emotionally depleted. Like, so, it’s like, oh, they had, they were just trying to make it to the goalpost at the end of the day. And, You know, we tracked mud through the house and it’s just like, Oh my God, can’t handle that. So I think that some of us were brought up with people that either had a lot of trauma, they learned to train their kids the certain way.
[00:06:09] Um, that that’s, this is just how you deal with it. Like, and they never, a lot of people have not had the thoughtful process. Anyone who’s here. You’re looking at things differently. You’re willing to stop and go, is this the way I want to be? Which I think is so precious and so valuable. I just adore hanging out with all of you.
[00:06:27] And it’s, you know, a lot of people don’t. I think, you know, so many people don’t ever consider that what they were raised with is what, what we should do. So there’s, you know, that pattern, but also how depleted were they? And I know I get crankier on days when I’m really tired than days, you know, like when Nadira and Emerald, everyone was staying here.
[00:06:47] I was trying very hard to stay, um, pleaded, not depleted. I don’t know what the word is, the opposite. So that when stuff happened, I was like, huh, how serious is this? Yeah, worse things have happened. We can clean it up. But if I’ve been really tired or exhausted, it might be like, I seriously don’t have the energy for this, and I’ve got to dredge it up from somewhere, and I’m going to be more cranky about the same little thing that happened.
[00:07:11] So I just want to put that in context. We’ll talk more about how our family influenced us around that, but I think putting some context there can be useful because I know that sometimes it’s like I get sunk in the well of this is what it is. I’m a bad person. I made this mistake versus what is the ecosystem that created this judgment?
[00:07:31] Is it where I’m actually living now? Do I have to live with my parents? Thank God. No. Um, do I have more resources? Yes. Do I have better training? Yes. Okay. Maybe I can let go of some of the rigidity around it.
[00:07:45] The good news is that this is a skill. Yeah. Um. We were trained a certain way, and in the process of doing this work, we retrain ourselves. Uh, we, we can take a reaction. So, we know from neurobiology that, let’s say you expected that when you picked up the glass, you would bring it up to your mouth, and you’d drink water.
[00:08:17] And not spill it down your front. Right. But it slips out of your hand. Your hand was a little slippery. You weren’t paying full attention. Uh, you spilled it down your front, which I have done. And before you have a thought about what just happened before you can, you can have a thought. The primitive part of your brain has already detected.
[00:08:48] This was not expected.
[00:08:54] And that’s really useful if you’re walking down a trail and suddenly a tree starts falling. You want to get the snake slithers out. Guess what? You want a part of you to react to that. No, this is not what I expected. So fast that you’re moving before you even know what’s happening. So that’s good, but it’s also means it’s unavoidable, unavoidable, meaning you’re wired that way.
[00:09:28] And unless you have, um, uh, An adaptation of birth and design that some people have, um, where your amygdala doesn’t fire. Um, those people don’t generally survive long in the wild. They don’t. Um, which is why they’re not very many of them, but there are some, um, guess what? We’re going to be handling a reaction and the skill.
[00:10:01] What it does is it says, Well, when I make a mistake, it takes me a week to recover before I even can look at myself in the mirror. We’re getting the trigger reaction. When I make a mistake, it takes me a full eight hours to recover. When I make a mistake, it takes me 80 minutes to recover. When I make a mistake, sheesh, 18 minutes now it takes me to recover.
[00:10:25] Oh, 18 seconds. And I’m actually starting, I’m out of my boosting the reaction mode. And I’m already starting to, um, change things. And there are people It’s what you do in your body. Yeah, so now And what is that process? What’s this skill of grace in mistakes? From an From The first thing is you start noticing the quick signals that your body gives you, um, when You’ve made a certain type of mistake.
[00:11:04] There are mistakes that are shocks and there are mistakes, which are frustrations. Like my first body reaction when I make a frustrating mistake, like on a computer. Is sort of beginning of a guttural growl. And so think about that. Let’s say you’re working, you’re sufficiently in it to, to, to, to be working, right, you’re doing work, but you make a mistake or the computer makes a mistake, okay.
[00:11:45] Or, you know, something, what is the. When you imagine that, what is the first body reaction that you, you get?
[00:12:00] So this is one where you’re by yourself, you’re not interacting with someone else. And we’ll look at other types, but right now look at just for yourself. Just for yourself. What’s the,
[00:12:20] now, once you’re, once you’re tuned into that, the grace comes from, Oh, this is my gir. This is,
[00:12:34] we use a technique, a tool called EFT tapping, and this was so useful for me at toning down my frustration from being something that would lead to me throwing the laptop into the creek, kicking it as you go, which has a downstream effect, weeks long, lots of muddying.
[00:13:02] To being like, so last night I’m moving lessons in an online course and I move it and the computer would move it back and then I’d move it and it would leave it. So I’d move another and it moved both of them back like now there’s a facial expression too. And people that know and love you probably know your facial expression, but you can be like, I don’t know.
[00:13:30] Okay. Now, when we tap, I start immediately at my collarbone. And what does that do? Like last night, this happened. And as soon as I, like, I,
[00:13:52] there was some space. These, these collarbone points are connected to the kidney meridian. They send a signal to your kidneys. And the fact that you’re able to tap, if you build this up as a reaction, like, Oh, my girl reaction comes and I go straight to tapping my collarbone. I’m walking up to the gate.
[00:14:14] Airplane, uh, is. Cancel. I am not going to the wedding. Grrrrr. Right? Now I immediately started tapping. Everyone else is losing their minds. Okay? Like you could feel it. Boop boop boop. If you’re sensitive. Feel these minds going boop boop boop. It’s like fireworks going off. There’s, there’s rage and other things.
[00:14:41] And one of the things I noticed was there was somebody who was really calm and confident that was moving in a particular direction. And I just felt this draw and we walked right up to the customer service desk that was two gates down and got rebooked. Most of the other people didn’t recover for a while.
[00:15:04] Um, so this is where you’re going to have a reaction. Now I have more GRR reactions. that don’t need this anymore. It used to be that every GER reaction deserved this, whether I remember to or not. Now I have a lot of GER reactions that start up, but my pattern is, okay, and it’s not a collapse. It’s calming and confidencing that can happen in a few seconds.
[00:15:40] I’d like to point out, Rick is going to the ger, the more fight, like that tends to be more fight. I tend to go to the kind of fear or the freeze or flight. I get an adrenaline surge through my body, that kind of chemical feeling. My muscles tighten up. Someone shared their stomach muscles tighten up. My muscles tighten up and I want to like run or hide or like, so like, if there’s nothing wrong either way, but I just want to point out that not everybody’s going to have that grr or may not always have that grr.
[00:16:09] You may have, you feel frozen. You may feel like, Oh, I want to run away. Or you might feel deeply ashamed, like whatever. However you internalize it, it’s fine, there’s nothing wrong with that, but if you can start tapping, if you can train yourself to strong emotion, start tapping, breathe for a minute, that starts helping your body dissipate that surge rather than internalizing all the chemicals, which keep going through your bloodstream, raise your heart rate, breathe.
[00:16:36] Breathe. Your brain sees the heart rates elevated. So now it thinks there’s something wrong. It tells, sends more chemicals. There’s just this hamster wheel that’s going on. So as soon as you can start tapping and breathing a little bit deeper, slower, that signals your body that, Oh, maybe we don’t have to send more chemicals.
[00:16:53] And then you have more clarity and you can calm yourself more. So it’s, we’re reversing the pattern when we do the tapping and breathing. So I do want to take that out because, because. Your reaction is the clue for you. And the reason we bring it up is that when, when you look at different, different situations where there’s a mistake happening, something not expected, not what you intended, um, your body reaction is, is maybe on a spectrum of things, like um, when I, when I dropped The beet soup and if you’ve ever seen beet soup, it’s red.
[00:17:36] Okay, we have white tile floor. It was in a glass mason jar. Okay Now I use another even more tried and true technique for handling it and and that is I My hand on my heart And I looked at it, and I said, UGH! A
[00:18:04] latest study came out that unless you have shame and guilt around using profanity, profanity is an emotional processing technique. It releases energy, it puts you in a different state. And so, like, uh, tapping is one way to do it. Um, profanity can be another, um, taking some steps back from it. Um, I, if I’m overwhelmed.
[00:18:37] So again, like there’s the collapse of our energy. There’s the freeze of our energy. There’s the avoidance. Um, sometimes just giving your body a chance to avoid the. Avoid it for a minute, like, Oh, I’m just going to walk into the other room. I like to normalize how big is this compared? Like, is everyone still alive?
[00:19:00] And like, is this life changing? Most of the time it’s not, it may feel like it in the moment, but like, Oh, much worse things have happened this week. Like then all of a sudden my brain is like, Oh, not a catastrophe. I can downgrade this chemical response a little bit. Um, so that normalization is a, is a good way to do it too.
[00:19:19] Um, and again, Rick’s talking about like how he’s. Tap and I’ve noticed that for myself. I was in a car accident, uh, two weeks ago and everyone’s like, you’re so calm. Why aren’t you mad at the guy? Cause someone just turned really sharply into me as we’re driving next to each other. And I was like, he immediately apologized.
[00:19:38] He said he’d pay for everything. He did pay for everything. My car’s back. Minus the new tire and hubcap, which is on order. I didn’t, there’s certainly some shock and I talked to Rick about it. He helped me through the, like, do I call the insurance company? Is this guy going to really go through? But he was really very helpful.
[00:19:56] And talking to someone I love and trust helped. I could have gotten really ramped up. And I, I just, I was kind of like, no, I can, you know, even if I need to get a new car, I don’t want to, but I’ll be okay. Like I was, I was able to stay grounded and I think that was so much easier on my body. It was easier on my coworkers.
[00:20:17] I was able to work the full day with some inner insurance calls in between, but. When we can stay a little more grounded and normalize it, it gives us space to react differently. And like, I think he really appreciated the guy was like, he’s an older gentleman who’s test driving a car. He didn’t know. He just lost track of where I was like, he didn’t need to be screamed at.
[00:20:39] It didn’t, you know, like, he’s like, are you, he was genuinely concerned. He did genuinely take care of everything. And now I feel like if I saw him and be friendly, you know, like, Hey. You know, you’re this nice guy that took care of the thing, the mistake you made. I think mistakes can actually build resiliency and connection with ourselves and with others.
[00:20:58] If everything’s always perfect, there’s not really, we’re just kind of parallel with each other. When some mistake or something goes off kilter and we repair it, we’re actually stronger. The relationship can be stronger than when there’s no, we’re just kind of cruising along with no mistakes. Um, I’d love someone said when you’re talking about swearing and said, I can fucking attest to that.
[00:21:22] Um, and I do think it’s a great way to release things when it’s appropriate, when you’re appropriate space. Um, And someone else said, how much is this going to matter tomorrow, next week, next month, depending on the intensity of my reaction for a long time, I had a sticker on my, um, desktop that said, will this matter in five years?
[00:21:43] Because everyone would come in pants on fire. This has to, this is a catastrophe. And I’m like, In five, you know, like it helped, yes, we want to take it seriously, but in five years, no one’s going to remember this happened or was an issue. So like, you know, whatever that time is, if you get upset a lot when you’re a computer, a sticker that will this matter next week or next month or in five years, it helped me remember to come back to myself.
[00:22:06] It’s not really that significant. And we jumped ahead to that place where you can bring your cognitive self online, the thinking self, the wise self. How much is this going to matter tomorrow, next week, next month, depending on the intensity of my reaction. And that’s the key. Thank you. The key is the intensity of our reaction.
[00:22:28] So we’re starting with what is, how does my primitive brain, my primal reaction to something I’m perceiving as a mistake, where does it go in my body? Can I start noticing it? Bring my observer up. Okay, I’m, I feel, I feel flushed in the face. I have my heart racing. And the cool thing about EFT tapping, and if you’re not familiar with it, you can learn about it at thriving now.
[00:22:58] com slash tapping. It’s a free course. Um, The cool thing about tapping is that we can actually go back to something that happened earlier that day, or a week ago, or a lifetime ago, and be like, oh, I remember, I remember how I reacted to that. I remember. I felt, I felt sick to my stomach. I felt sick to my stomach.
[00:23:23] I felt all embarrassed. I felt all embarrassed. I could feel it in my gut. I could feel it in my gut. It’s almost like I stopped breathing. It’s almost like I stopped breathing. I actually stopped breathing there. I actually stopped breathing there.
[00:23:45] My body has a powerful reaction to mistakes. My body has a powerful reaction to mistakes. Mistakes. And Some of that’s because I care. And some of that’s because I care. And some of that is because I’m scared. And some of that’s because I’m scared. So notice what I did there. I said, Oh, some of that is because I care.
[00:24:07] Like I want to do good work. I want to be competent when I’m learning something, when I’m doing something. Um, competency matters to me. Um, it’s pretty high on my list, which is why it’s easy to kind of push me off into perfectionism if I’m not careful. Um, and safety. Right? Like, um, we protect our identity, you know, part of the reaction is, whether it’s with someone else or with ourselves, we have these expectations and this idea of who we are, and we judge ourselves.
[00:24:45] So there is, there’s the initial mistake, but then there’s the reaction, either we have like, Oh, I knew I was a loser. My mom always said I was a loser or, you know, You know, your boss, like, how could you do that? That’s, that gets dumped on top and it just makes a stew. Um, and I think that’s, you know, I’d love to, when we can get to it, Rick, is have people feel into what they feel when they’re with their boss and they make a mistake or with a family member.
[00:25:10] And then also how people feel when they Because I think that’s really. You brought up this second stage, which is if you look at the neurobiology, um, the reaction kicks things off, but then we have this more complex program that takes over and this is okay. If you don’t hold it together, where do you go?
[00:25:35] No, I shared in the newsletter, um, sitting there and pizza, my daughter gets into the booth. She spills water on her outfit and she freaks out and I have no change of clothes for some reason, since I have been a parent a very long time, um, Round two. Not having any clothes to offer her and she rejected the napkin.
[00:26:11] She rejected me drying her.
[00:26:18] So here I’m reacting to the mistake. I realize I’ve made a mistake and it lands on. I am so stupid.
[00:26:36] Where does it land for you? Where, what’s the, what’s the nasty name that you call yourself? So just imagine for a minute that you’re with someone and you made a mistake about, that caused some effect on them or something that you were working with on, with, just breathe and notice what your body does and what your brain does.
[00:26:57] So it’s a little different sometimes when we’re by ourselves versus, um, someone else. Depending on your old traumas and your upbringing. Do you feel defensive? Do you feel And there’s nothing wrong with feeling defensive, but that’s another way to lock in the experience. Someone shared, I feel kind of extreme these days.
[00:27:21] I’m failing at life. Someone else shared, Idiot. Um, always lands on stupid from years of me calling a dumb blonde.
[00:27:37] I, I tend to get really wrapped up on the other person’s I tend to make the other person’s hurt bigger than it is. You know, or bigger than they ever even expressed like, Oh my God, I’ve ruined their life or how could I do this to them? So it doesn’t always have to be about ourself. Like it does imply that I fucked up But it’s about like, oh and sometimes they’re like it really wasn’t that big a deal and I’m still like, oh I ruined their life Someone else shared also a dumb blonde.
[00:28:11] You’re talking about the language we get to our heads. Right, I’ve worked with clients where it was loser Stupid. Fool. I’m such a fool. I am. I’m so stupid. Oh, here I am a dumb blonde again. Right. Oh, some people go to, I always met. Oh, such I am such an idiot. I am failing. I’m failing at life. Notice where that lands.
[00:28:40] And this is, this is a, um, it’s a design flaw. And if I was redesigning the human bio neurology, I would do it differently. But , when it comes to mistakes, it tends to go from nervous system reaction. Into identity. So the,
[00:29:08] the mistake identity, you know, like who am I when I’m screwing up? It lands there. Oh, I’m failing at life. I’m an idiot. I’m so stupid. Oh, dumb blonde. I’m a dumb blonde again. Dumb blonde. Yep. There we go. I’m insensitive. I’m too much. Yes. So this is where, now that it’s in this Identity range. We can start gracefully and with some chi, like you, if it lands here, I’ll, this is usually not tap, tap, tap.
[00:29:45] And I never feel this way again, because it’s sort of this, the safety net, like. I’ve made a mistake, and if I land in this horrible place, at least I can’t go any lower. Does this make sense? Would you like to lead us? Sure. Nice. First, let’s just take a breath, because it is a lot of intensity. We ask you to tune into something that’s kind of painful, and we want to stay attached somewhat when we tap, because it helps it clear, but you don’t have to be, if you’re up to your, you know, nose.
[00:30:21] It’s okay to step back a little. You want to feel a little bit of it, two or three, four, but you don’t need to be up to your eyebrows. But if you are, we can just tap. So take that nice deep breath. If you need to, look around and notice you’re safe. There’s no lions or tigers or judgmental people around.
[00:30:38] You’re in a safe circle of people that love each other. Karate chop. Even though I made a mistake. And my brain is telling me a lot about this. And my brain is telling me a lot about this. I wonder if it’s accurate. I wonder if it’s accurate. On top of that, where did I get this judgment from? Where did I get this judgment from?
[00:31:03] My brain is saying I’m an idiot. My brain is saying I’m an idiot. Side of the eye that I’m a loser. That I’m a loser. Under the eye that I’m just a dumb blonde. I’m just a dumb blonde. Under the nose, I’m sure I heard this from somewhere. I’m sure I heard this from somewhere. Tim, but I just made a mistake. I just made a mistake.
[00:31:28] Collarbone, when did I decide that I had to be perfect? Oh, when did I decide that I had to be perfect or else? It might have been smart when I was young. It might have been smart when I was young. Top of that, they needed to see that I was really trying. They needed to see that I was really trying. Eyebrow, and they needed to see my shame when I mucked up.
[00:31:54] And they needed to see my shame when I mucked up. Side of the eye. But it’s not actually good for my body or my brain. It’s not good for my body or my brain. Under the eye to wallow in this stuff. To wallow in this stuff. Under the nose. It doesn’t get me to fix it any faster. It doesn’t get me to fix it any faster.
[00:32:15] And in fact, it’s slower. In fact, it’s slower because I have to recover. Collarbone. I’m still wallowing in all the emotion. I don’t have any energy to fix anything. I wallow in the emotion. I don’t have energy to fix anything. Under the arm, and I’m not really learning from my misstep. And I’m not learning from my misstep.
[00:32:36] Top of the head, there’s no room because I’m still wallowing. There’s no room because I’m still wallowing. What if I could turn down the volume on my brain? Um, what if I could turn down the volume on that part of my brain? And just be with reality? And be with reality. And just take a nice deep breath. And I do think that many of us, it, the overreaction prevents us from having to be with the reality of what happened.
[00:33:09] And I do think reality is where the truth is and where we have the most power. If I can be here now with what actually is, I have the most leverage, the most ability but it’s very painful sometimes. To just, you know, if we have that overreaction, we have a, a, a go to, we don’t have to really be with what, what just happened.
[00:33:29] We don’t have to be with the other person, or with ourself, or the, the uncertainty of not knowing. Because there’s uncertainty in the like, oh, this happened, what’s the outcome? And the more we can just breathe and be with what’s there, The closer we are to reality, and I do think truth and reality is where, you know, like, this is where we can change the world.
[00:33:53] We can’t change it by wallowing. We can’t change it by running away. We can’t change it by, like, pretending it didn’t happen or put, blaming the other person, which is where a lot of people go. I imagine most people here don’t blame other people because we tend to internalize. This group tends to internalize that I’m a horrible person thing versus they’re a horrible person, but other people will do that.
[00:34:13] Um, and we want to have the most power to make a difference. So if you can, you notice that the deflect that zero to 100 is actually a way to avoid part of what’s really happening. The uncertainty of how is the other person going to respond? How am I going to fix this? How much, you know, like just being present with like what’s there side of
[00:34:37] the hand? Even though I don’t know the outcome yet. Even though I don’t know the outcome yet. And that really activates me. And that really activates me.
[00:34:51] I’m asking for more grace. I am asking for more grace. And calm confidence. And calm confidence. Top of the head. But I don’t know what this means yet. I dunno what this means yet. Eyebrow, I don’t know how long it’s gonna take to clean up. I don’t know how long it’s gonna take to clean up side of the eye.
[00:35:13] What’s the repair gonna be like? What’s the repair gonna be like? What’s the punishment gonna be like? What’s the punishment gonna be like? I’m so used to being punished. I am so used to being punished. Um, I might be punishing myself first. I might be over punishing myself first. Yeah, where did I learn that shit?
[00:35:37] Where did I learn that shit? What a shitty thing to do to myself. What a shitty thing to do to myself. I’m recognizing a mistake here. I’m recognizing a mistake here. I’m in the process of learning and growing from it. And I’m in the process of learning and growing from it. See, this is the pathway that we want to strengthen, is, Oh, yeah, and, and we run into this with emotional work, is, I can’t believe I’m still doing that.
[00:36:09] Uh, okay, well, we’re, we tap and we engage together in order to build a stronger pathway. We’re human, we’re going to miss the mark. Right? If. If you watch someone walk up and they grabbed a bow and arrow, it’s the first time that they ever held it and they pulled it back and fired and they hit the bullseye and they never did it again.
[00:36:39] I hit the bullseye every time, and they’re not lying, but love, you know, you don’t always hit it, right? You think, oh, this is what my child needs to feel better. She just cussed me out. I wonder where she learned that from. Um, yeah, no, that didn’t work. That missed the mark. Oh, I’ll try something else. Oh, that missed the mark.
[00:37:09] Even further. Oh, I, I’m going to back off a little bit. Oh, that missed the mark too. But I’m, I’m here and I’m learning and growing and adapting to someone that I care deeply and completely about. And I miss the mark every single day. And when you run a business, when you’re building anything, whether it’s a love relationship, um, a kinship, um, service in the world, uh, we are, if you are thriving, you really could at the end of the day say, well, how did I miss the mark and are there some things that I want to change, adapt, accept.
[00:37:51] Um,
[00:37:55] and, and to me, this grace with mistakes is a recognition that if we’re going to be thriving, we’re going to be putting ink on paper or words on the word processor. We’re going to, you know, not quite like the color that we started our painting with or, you know. Um, I did the most tapping, I like, Oh, I don’t like this color.
[00:38:29] I’m just going to stop coloring versus, Oh, well, what color would you like better? Can we color over it or start again? Or like we can tune into it and we, if we over, if we overreact and I’m going to use that cause that’s, I’m pointing fingers at me too. It’s harder to learn and grow versus, Oh, I don’t like that.
[00:38:52] What can I do differently? We have a lot more room and we’re born overreacting. I can say that with fresh exposure. Um, and we, to me, overreaction is I don’t have a graceful pathway where I feel like myself. I feel like I’m still in the hijack of my primitive brain, the reaction to a mistake to something that I really desperately wanted, and it’s not going to be available to me.
[00:39:23] We. We, we get flooded until we learn pathways, you know, our own sewer lines rather than the toilet backing up. Right. And they’re useful. They’re essential. They’re, they’re really core to us feeling like we’re emotionally free. Emotional freedom is, is, is one of the things I notice is that, um, There is a period that fits with what science knows at about 10 minutes plus after something that’s a pretty big deal to a human.
[00:40:01] There’s a period where there really is some space. There really is some space, about 10 minutes. 10 to 20 minutes, that’s why a lot of people do intros for lung classes or emotional classes. That’s how long it takes for the chemicals to burn off when we get initially flooded. And
[00:40:25] When you, when you start noticing that, uh, there’s, there’s some, as someone’s, you know, we’ve, we’ve, we’ve given you one menu option of the, is this going to matter in five years? Another menu is, what was it? The words were, um, how much is this going to matter tomorrow? Next week, next month. Now that’s a closer time period.
[00:40:52] Um, other ways are, which we’ll get to into after the break are ways of looking at repetitive mistakes, looking at really significant mistakes and, and looking at, um, external pressure mistakes, um, as differentiated. Things that we can we can have some grace around do we have time. I’d like to check because I think looking at how we review other people’s mistakes towards us can help normalize our response to so if you would just, you know, for those of you feel right for doing it, just take a deep breath and notice a time someone made a mistake that, you know, inconvenienced you or hurt you in some way.
[00:41:37] Um, and just notice what your body did and your thoughts.
[00:41:47] It may be totally different. Um, you notice your body sensations, your thoughts, and then you can come back here. And, like, mine is, I tend to get more angry. Like, I get to the grr that Rick was talking about. If it’s something that I feel was careless or they didn’t work. Valuing me enough. Um, and I think just being aware of that.
[00:42:08] I don’t, I also don’t ramp it up the, as much as I do for myself. Like when I make a mistake for, to someone else or for myself, I tend to turn the, the volume up a lot more than I would for someone else, unless there’s like the 20th time they’ve done the same thing, and then I’m like, oh, I’ll turn the knob a little bit.
[00:42:27] But notice for yourself. What you do and there’s nothing right or wrong, but I would imagine most people here are kinder to outside people that make mistakes than we are to our internal self when we make a mistake. And why is that fair or right?
[00:42:47] And then there can be ones where we’re kind and accepting of their humanity and then there are others where we go to be nice and understanding but we’re actually feeling like, ah, what do I do with this? And sometimes we may yell at them, that we have the full range, we can have it, and that’s okay. You want to lead a tapping on that, Rick?
[00:43:08] I do. Um, and this one, um,
[00:43:17] My invitation is that if there are mistakes in your world, um, and you’re, uh, that are done to you, and you don’t know what to do with that energy, That tapping later can be a really effective way of deciding how you’d like to be. That’s one of the questions that we ask in our coaching, is how would you like to feel?
[00:43:42] Right? So, even though my body reacts the way it does. Even though my body reacts the way it does. When people make that mistake. When people make that mistake. And my mind goes to And my mind goes to Yeah, it could be offense, or Ah, what do I do here? Or sometimes I will go, I don’t deserve any better. Like, you know.
[00:44:12] Full range. A kind, yeah, the full range. The full range. I’d really like to feel. I’d really like to feel calm and confident. Yeah, we’ll use that as our default, but it could be like curious and um, patient. Curious and calm.
[00:44:36] My body reacts that way when they make that mistake. My body reacts that way when they make that mistake. And it’s not okay. And it’s not okay. Not okay for them to make that mistake, is it? It’s not okay for them to make that mistake, is it?
[00:44:54] I’d like to stay ridiculously calm and confident anyway. I’d like to stay ridiculously calm and confident anyway. Under the nose. I accept that I’m gonna have a reaction. I accept that I’m going to have a reaction. And I’m open to grounding it. I’m open to grounding it. Staying present with reality.
[00:45:14] Staying present with reality. Under the arm. And being surprisingly calm and confident. And being surprisingly calm and confident. Surprise everybody! Including myself. Including myself. Including myself. Can I tag on to do another round just tagging that? Karate Chop, even though sometimes I repress my feelings about their mistakes.
[00:45:39] Even though sometimes I do suppress my feelings about their mistakes. That’s avoiding reality too. That’s avoiding reality. And I’m open to embracing all of my feelings. And I’m open to embracing all of my feelings. Top of the head. I don’t have to get immersed in them. I don’t have to get immersed in them, flooded by them.
[00:45:58] Yeah, eyebrow. I can be resilient and come out of it soon. I can be resilient and come out of it soon. Side of the eye, but I want to be with myself as I authentically am. I want to be with myself as I authentically am. Under the eye, I don’t want to repress my feelings to make them feel better. I don’t want to repress my feelings to make them feel better.
[00:46:20] Under the nose, or to pretend that I’m a very angelic person. Or to pretend that I’m more angelic than I actually am. Same, because I fucking am not. Because I fucking am not. Not always. Calibanon, I allow myself to feel what actually is. I allow myself to feel what actually is. Under the arm, and then move from there as is right for me.
[00:46:46] And then move from there, as is right for me. Top of the head, with more and more resilience as I go. With more and more resilience as I go. And just take a breath, because I think a lot, especially women identify, but I imagine a lot of people were taught to like, oh, you know, forgive and forget. And I think that can come later if that’s what we choose.
[00:47:09] But too many of us will jump immediately to, Oh, I make mistakes too. I don’t feel bad. You know, like, don’t feel bad. But we’re not actually letting ourselves feel the thing before we get to like, Oh, it really isn’t that big a deal. Or, you know, I understand people make mistakes, but we’re not giving ourselves the grace of feeling what’s actually going on in our body and our mind.
[00:47:30] We want to give some space there too. All right. I do think that sensitive people have learned and sometimes the hard and painful way, whether the person that is, is making a mistake. Um, is actually skilled and savvy enough to, in that moment, be able to handle, um, the situation. Um,
[00:48:04] and this is, this is part of the skill set that Kathy’s talking about. Um, sometimes when people are coming out of trauma, one of the key things is you start speaking your truth. Like, really, that, that is never okay with me. And they freak out, right? Fine, I’m leaving. Borrow. And they, you know, they, they run out the door.
[00:48:24] Well, you did hold a hard and clear boundary. Congratulations. I know that’s part of the healing journey. Um, in my healing journey, I’ve noticed that, um, the people that can actually handle it are a bit more rare. And when they’re really in, in triggered, and I look at myself in the mirror, like if I’m now triggered by the mistake I made, my capacity, um, has been diminished pretty considerably.
[00:48:53] That’s why I’m teaching this workshop. Um, it’s something I’ve been working on my whole life. I’ve made exceptional progress. If you knew me 30 years ago, whoo. Um, so in a half a lifetime, I can handle things, my own mistakes, the mistakes of technology, the mistakes of others, and a level of grace that. Yeah.
[00:49:15] And, um, I have examples from the last six months where that I really would love even more. Grace and savvy. Part of real skills is a quality of savvy. And if you have a tool and a, in a circle where you can like. Hey, this came up and, and I found myself saying, oh, it’s okay. We all made mistakes, but now three days later, I’m pissed.
[00:49:44] And now I’m pissed at myself. That’s where it’s landing. I’m being, I’m pissed at myself. I felt like it’s a terrible mistake to just write it off, to not be real. Yeah. Okay. I hear you now. So that’s where. What we, I believe we as humans, sometimes the space to address the mistake is right in the moment.
[00:50:08] Sometimes the place to address the mistake for ourselves is in our own private If you’ve got a being real with myself Avenue, and I recommend it. Um, and then being real with people, professionals, or friends that show that they can hold a space without making you wrong for having made a mistake in how you responded to somebody else.
[00:50:33] You need to stand up for yourself. Just terrible. No, tap tap. Now we’re, now we’re coping with being shamed for not. Not handling it better. Um, I appreciate those of you who I know that you’ve been on this journey and every little increment that we make to be a bit more graceful and real and grounded, um, with the mistakes that we make the mistakes that others make.
[00:51:05] Mistakes that are happening in the world. Um, to me, it allows us to adapt and develop things that work better for our hearts and our minds and our are co creating. We’re going to take a seven minute break here, um, for integration time, bio breaks, um, and when we come back, one of the things, Kathy, you wanted to explore some scenarios.
[00:51:34] We’ve done some of that, like how do you, how do you feel when you make a mistake in front of X, Y, or Z type of situation? Think about some situations that’s like, Uh, okay. The more we’re aware of our different responses, the quicker they’re, when they’re conscious, we can grab them faster versus being surprised.
[00:51:54] And like now I’m dealing with surprise and all the emotions. And then I’d like to also touch on the types of, um, certain categories of mistakes that, um, uh, I think we allows us to take practical action, um, as well. So we’re going to pause the recording. If you’re watching the replay. Encourage you to take a quick break here too.
[00:52:20] Welcome back.
[00:52:26] So mistakes is one of these really general things. And just like when we’re, when someone says they’re anxious, want to look at the situations, um, it’s useful. It’s a useful part of the skill of grace and mistakes to look at
[00:52:45] often where we fear we’re going to make mistakes, um, what situations, and then even take it a little deeper. Um, and I know that that’s dangerous or scary, because unless some kind of primitive brain responses, um, can you think of an example for something like this where someone has a really intense response or.
[00:53:14] Well, okay, let’s just use a boss, right? The name itself implies power over. Authority. And, um, so, someone who is afraid of making mistakes and having their boss catch them or have the mistake known, what are some of the fears that come up? And if, if it’s helpful, if this is a fear for you, it could be with your mother, it could be with your lover, it could be with, um, a friend who’s, you know, um, You just notice with that person, I am really scared of making a mistake.
[00:54:04] There might be consequences beyond your identity as well. Like, oh, they’re going to judge me or see me differently. But like with a boss, it could be you could lose your job or you might not get that promotion or not get that raise. Like there’s, and with your, like some parents were like, you’re out of the will or we’re not talking to you or we won’t support you.
[00:54:22] Like noticing that. The response can be amplified with someone in authority or someone who has something to control about you. Mm hmm. Or they really matter to you. And, um, because we’re freedom oriented people and we live in the real world, we know that people that are really dear to us can leave. And that has its own, but I, I don’t find that, you know, I find that if I, um, I make the mistake of not identifying the fears.
[00:55:03] underneath my anxiety and the intensity of the reaction, then, um, I’m leaving those untouched, unmet, un evolved. And, and with a, with a boss could be a reminder of, of Parents and teachers and other things. But if, if you notice that when you make a mistake or you’re about to do something, uh, if you’re self employed, your, your boss is yourself, but chances are you serve other people, it could be the person that your best client, um, is there some tension there as well?
[00:55:50] Kathy said, lose job, not get a promotion. I know people that if I, uh, if I say something stupid, so to speak, they will ridicule me. I don’t spend a lot of time with such people, but I know them. And, um, If I list like, oh, they’re going to ridicule me. If I make a mistake, they’re going to ridicule me. They’re going to, they’re going to ridicule me.
[00:56:23] Okay. They’re going to ridicule me. They’re going to ridicule me. They’re gonna ridicule me. And that just feels so good in my body. That feels so good. My body. Oh, please. Let me be ridiculed some more. Please let me be ridiculed some more. This is my favorite. My favorite. I acknowledge that they probably will ridicule me a bit.
[00:56:52] I acknowledge they probably will ridicule me a bit. But that’s on them. But that’s on them. Mistakes are a part of who I am. Mistakes are a part of who I am. And that’s why I’ve grown so much. And that’s why I’ve grown so much. I
[00:57:12] think that’s recognizing that other people have different sore spots. Often the reaction is more about their story and their experiences than is about what we did. So if they got really judged when they were younger or got some harsh repercussions for something like that, or they have some wounds associated with that.
[00:57:31] Someone was sharing in the Like if they share something with passion and emphasis, they feel like people should get it and they get angry when that doesn’t happen. Well, okay. That’s, I mean, I do that too. I think of course they’ve got it. People get, you know, they might’ve been thinking about what am I going to have for dinner?
[00:57:50] Let’s let me pretend to be paying attention. Or she seems really excited about something, but I’m really overwhelmed. And I need to tune out a little bit. We don’t know when we communicate. I use the analogy of we’re, We’re tossing a softball over an eight foot fence. We don’t know if the person’s there with the catcher’s mitt ready to get it, or if they’re standing looking the other way and it hits them on the head and they’re like, Oh my god, what the hell are you doing?
[00:58:16] Like, we don’t, I think we always think the other person can see the landmines and the sore spots. It’s just part of being human. I, from my experience, especially when we’re close to someone, how could they not get us? But we don’t always get us and we aren’t always ready for the communication that’s coming.
[00:58:35] So if we can have some grace of like, Oh, they just didn’t get that. Maybe I need to, I can talk to them about how do I best communicate things that are really important to me? Do I follow up with the text or an email confirming something? Or can I, you know, can I, could you repeat back what I just said?
[00:58:51] Because this is really important to me. There’s different ways to kind of mitigate some of that. But I think also just giving ourselves some grace when we overreact or someone else overreacts, it might be that, you know, that baseball just hit them on a, they’ve already got a sore forehead and it’s bouncing off their forehead.
[00:59:10] And now they’re like, everything’s hitting me on my forehead. Um, and it may not, their reaction may be 1 percent about you and 99%. about their past or whatever else is going on in their life. And I have trouble with that because I feel like I should be able to talk to everyone and they should know that they’re loved and cared about and everything’s fine.
[00:59:31] So, um, do you want to do some tapping on that Rick? Even though I made a mistake. Even though I made a mistake. And thought I should be able to talk to everyone. Thought I should be able to talk to everyone. They will feel my love. They will feel my love. And how kind and wonderful I am. And how kind and wonderful I am.
[00:59:52] And life has not met that expectation. Life has not met that expectation. And I’m recalibrating now. And I’m recalibrating now. I love it when people feel my love. I love it when people can feel my love. When they know how kind I am at heart. And when they know how kind, they have a heart. That’s great.
[01:00:16] That’s great. And I,
[01:00:23] I don’t want to expect that always or have that pressure. I don’t want to expect that always or have that pressure. And it’s not a mistake when they don’t. It’s not a mistake when they don’t.
[01:00:37] So I, I just. This is, this technique works with me where I’ll tap on what I’m intending. So we started off with what’s a mistake is where we have an intention that doesn’t get met and it doesn’t get met if it doesn’t get met over and over and over and over again. Um, you have a systems design problem and part of the system design is, Oh, um, it’s, I’ve done something wrong.
[01:01:11] If people don’t experience me as kind, loving, compassionate, and the like. Um, and this is, this is one of those first areas where if you feel like, Oh, I must be making a mistake. I must be making a mistake. I must be making a mistake. I must be making a mistake. You can say, well, it’s a mistake to even look at whether I’m making a mistake.
[01:01:38] I want to adapt. I want to learn. I want to grow. I want to, I want to. Maybe change my intentions a bit.
[01:01:50] Look at what skill I, I want to develop. Look at what skill I want to develop. I don’t want it to stay in the mistake category. I don’t want it to stay in the mistake category. Not if it keeps happening. Not if it keeps happening. So much is out of my control. So much is out of my control. It’s a mistake to think I’m under control of all these things.
[01:02:15] It’s a mistake to think I’m under control of all these things. And I can be graceful about that. And I can be graceful about it.
[01:02:25] What if I can really be graceful with some of my perceptual mistake? Perceptual mistakes. What if I can be graceful about some of my perceptual mistakes? Even if I can’t say it clearly. Even if I can’t say it clearly. So by saying, oh, it’s a mistake to think that’s a mistake. Your brain goes, what? And that’s all we want is a what?
[01:02:49] What do you mean? It’s just like when I was tapping on. I just love being ridiculed. My brain goes, what? Are you kidding me? It breaks the pattern. That reaction. Leave space for you to affirm. I, I so enjoy being, um, in kind, mutually kind and mutually compassionate relationships, and some people are not there.
[01:03:14] I know, I, I was an asshole yesterday. Um, and what if the, the mistake that I wanna break here and learn from, because that is absolutely true. Um, when Adira was jumping and I said, you know, you might want to move the cushion a little closer to the edge there. Um, she didn’t hit her legs, cry, cry, cry. Um, she learned from that mistake.
[01:03:47] Ouch. Um, I have repeated mistakes until I look at it and say, Hey, what if my expectation and my, my intention is something that matters to me, but my expectation around it is. Is unrealistic. It’s inhumane to expect everyone to see me, um, in any light. And,
[01:04:16] you know, people that tend to call other people stupid because they don’t see the world in the same way. Like, Oh, you know, internally, you can be like, Oh, I, it’s a mistake to internalize that when I know that I’m reasonably intelligent. And it’s okay for me to, to recognize that they’re making a mistake in their view of me.
[01:04:40] I’m not stupid. They’re just calling me that. It’s okay for me to recognize that it’s really, it’s really kind of stupid to call people stupid because you don’t know their world. They don’t know what matters to them. You don’t know their values. It’s Um, well, I think I found and go ahead. Oh, I just I think it’s important to recognize that when we’re outside our comfort, we’re gonna make mistakes inside our comfort zone, but we’re gonna make more mistakes outside our comfort zone.
[01:05:06] And I think one of like Fleming discovered penicillin by mistake. It saved so many lives, but it was a mistake. He left the Petri dish wasn’t quite covered when he went on vacation. He came back. There’s this mold growing. His experiment was messed up. He discovered penicillin. We can make amazing discoveries and learn a lot about ourselves.
[01:05:28] When we allow ourselves to make some mistakes, especially if we can be present and pull the information out. And again, I think that relationships with ourselves and others are much more resilient. When we’ve been through, hey, that didn’t go really well. We, we, it doesn’t have to be necessarily a mistake we made, but when we, we get through some upset together.
[01:05:49] Like, oh, this was really tough. But we made it through together. We supported each other, like, we now know this relationship’s a little stronger. It’s been tested a little bit. Which is the next category of, of, of, um, mistakes. They’re exploratory mistakes. And this is, thriving lives here. Yeah. And it’s, so, whereas a repetitive mistake, Design and adapt something different, either in your attitude or learn some skills or things like that.
[01:06:19] If you always fall skateboarding, get some lessons, right? Um, unless you’re falling as part of exploring something new in relationships. Um. iterating. How do I, how do I raise a difficult subject? You know, that the cool thing is, is that you can iterate and mess up and try again and try again. If it’s a relationship that is meaningful to both people and, um, and you continue there even companies today.
[01:06:52] That have, um, a, a, a failure celebration, like these are the ways that we failed. You know, there are people, there are people that laugh at, um, you know, a rocket blowing up, but you’re not going to get a rocket that doesn’t blow up unless you have rockets that blow up. In fact, mathematically, you want about 50 percent of your rockets in the exploratory phase.
[01:07:18] And so, so you could explore with somebody or, you know, Hey, um, can we explore saying no about things together? Um, you know, and you might get some hurt feelings. Do you like this? Do you like it when I do this? Oh no! Oh, I’m, you know, I’ve got some shame coming up, but the exploratory part is the where we, we get to iterate.
[01:07:46] We get to try things out. Um, I am so grateful that we get to do that, um, with certain people. I think that there’s a couple comments about feeling smart, um, and people seeing you’re so smart, and I kind of internalized when I was little, I should know different, I should know already. I think because I was a pretty smart kid, my parents didn’t always remember that I was little.
[01:08:09] So there was kind of like, why did you do that? You should know better. Um, if we weren’t seen as smart or it wasn’t modeled that we were smart. Um, we may not have learned to recognize our own smarts. And I think really smart people will recognize, Oh, this person is willing to explore and make mistakes and clean them up.
[01:08:28] That’s really smart versus the person that’s perfect and stays in a little narrow tube. Okay, that’s a lot of stress, and it’s not very life affirming. So some people may see, Oh, you’re too risky, you’re doing things. That’s our own story. Um, if we can start saying, No, I am, like Rick said earlier, I’m a pretty smart person, and that doesn’t mean I’m not going to make a mistake.
[01:08:52] Really smart people, actually. Sometimes we can think ourselves into new mistakes, or really complicated mistakes. Um, and there’s nothing wrong with that. We can learn. Like Rick said, we can celebrate. I tried something new. It didn’t necessarily go the way I want to. I can learn from it. What could I have done better?
[01:09:11] What could I, but we don’t get to go there if we’re stuck in this, this shame spiral. We’re like, Oh, I’m going to beat myself up for The next two weeks, um, or I’m going to avoid that and never do it again versus, huh, what could, you know, what, where did the actual failure happen? Where could I, okay, a deer was bouncing on the couch.
[01:09:31] You could have moved the cushion over. She could have not bounced as high, like there’s things she could have modified. And when we let ourselves be with the reality of what happened, we start learning and we can start steering really powerfully versus I’ll avoid the whole thing, or I’ll beat myself up for the next.
[01:09:50] It’s okay. It’s like with, um, it’s
[01:09:57] okay to revisit these things when, when things have calmed down, especially for you to look at. Well, I wonder, I wonder what options I, I could have had in that situation that don’t feel reactive. Maybe they’re, they’re, they’re, they’re things that I’m curious whether it would have worked better or not. And that’s, that’s a sign for me that I’m in my adapting phase.
[01:10:30] Can we do some tapping on that? Yeah,
[01:10:38] even though I cannot get there before I’m ready. Even though I can’t get there before I’m ready. I can have big reactions to my mistakes. I can have big reactions to my mistakes. And the mistakes of others and the mistakes of others. I do wanna get to a place of grace. I do wanna get to a place of grace where I can accept that we’re human or I can accept that we’re human and explore ways to be more thriving, can explore ways to be more thriving.
[01:11:16] Top of the head. And I can’t always get there quickly. I can’t always get there quickly. Eye Bri eyebrow. It might even take months or years. It might even take months or years. Side of the eye, or even minutes. Or even minutes. Under the eye. And I want to reach a state of grace. I want to reach a state of grace.
[01:11:40] Under the nose, where I feel creative. Where I feel creative. And I’m aware of my values. I’m aware of my values. And my value. And my value. Explore upgrades. Explore upgrades. Other systems that might work better. Other systems that might work better. Top of the head. Explore what’s possible. Explore what’s possible.
[01:12:09] And honor what isn’t. And honor what isn’t. Oh, one
[01:12:27] of the things I just, someone shared in the comments about making a mistake with someone. Um. doing work that’s no longer a fit for me. I think one of the biggest things that we talk about this a lot, you’re encouraged to change your mind. Like, okay, I really wanted to go there, I thought this was the best fit ever, and it’s not.
[01:12:47] And I can, I think the biggest thing is being in communication with people. Hey, I thought I was going to get this done, it’s no longer a fit for me, I’m not going to do it. It would be a mistake, it would compound the mistake to continue. And when we can kind of like, oh, I thought I was going to do this thing, and instead of beating myself up, I’m like, I’m changing my mind.
[01:13:05] That can give us a lot of freedom. Recognizing a mistake and pivoting, so we’re not doing the mistake again, is important. Giving ourselves permission to change our mind and not just kind of, I said I would do this thing and I will make it happen. It’s not really good for our being. Even though I compounded the mistake.
[01:13:26] Even though I compounded the mistake. I am so human. I am so human. Uh. Uh.
[01:13:36] I accept myself anyway. I accept myself anyway. And I’m developing more grace with my mistakes. I’m developing more grace with my mistakes. Top of the head. I want to learn from my mistakes. I want to learn from my mistakes. Eyebrow. Iterate quickly. Iterate quickly. Eye to the eye. With minimal self punishment.
[01:13:57] With minimal self punishment. Just a, just a few minutes of beating. Just a few minutes of beating. Sometimes I need to beat myself. Sometimes I need to beat myself. I might even grow out of that. I might even grow out of that. Hold on. Because I want more grace with my mistakes. I want more grace with my mistakes.
[01:14:22] It’ll give me more room for creativity. It’ll give me more room for creativity. It’ll give me a lot more room for co creating. It’ll give me a lot more room for co creating. And I’d like more of that in my life. I would like more of that in my life.
[01:14:42] And I think one, just building off of that, is like, if someone overreacted with you, they were like, ah, this is the world’s end, ah, how could you? What is the repair? Like, if they came back and said, you know what, I’m really sorry, I overreacted, or, you know, I just, I, that’s not how I wanted to react. Wouldn’t that feel kind of good to you?
[01:15:05] It may not, it may not mean that everything’s fine and dandy, but like, you know, here, maybe here’s something I can do in the future, you could do in the future to help if I start overreacting, just say you’re gonna give me some space or whatever. We can do that for ourselves too. Because I tend to get mad at myself for reacting so strongly, which just keeps the hamster wheel going.
[01:15:26] If I can just pause and go, Oh, I reacted more strongly than I intended. Take a breath. Apologize to self. I’m so sorry I called you an idiot. You’re not an idiot at all. And I was, I was triggered. And I, you know, like, I think it’s, we can do that repair with ourselves and with others and model that for others.
[01:15:46] Like we don’t have to even be perfect about how we respond to mistakes and take some of that pressure off. Um, And I think as soon as we take some of that pressure off and wait, it’s easier to respond calmly because there’s not the, we’re not steam escaping underneath, you know, high intense pressure there.
[01:16:05] So I just wanted to add that because I think sometimes we can like, Oh, this is how we’re supposed to respond. And we lock ourselves in about the thing about giving ourselves more freedom,
[01:16:17] which compounds to use that word compound the mistake. I think that that’s a doorway for us. You know, I value not compounding mistakes, um, and so that’s a value. And that’s the third type is, you know, like ethics. If, if I make a mistake where I’m really out of, outside of my values, I do want to clean that up and being clear about, Hey, if, if I yell in anger at someone I love, um, over something that’s very human.
[01:16:51] Um, because I’ve had a reaction to it. I want to clean that up. I don’t want to compound the mistake by blaming them. I’ve had that done to me. We’re going to be next workshop. We’re talking about scapegoat freedom by creating the other side of it. Um, so that we can, we can own what, what’s ours with it’s in our value structure as, and let other people be more of, uh, Where they are, um,
[01:17:24] the practice of acknowledging our mistakes. As Kathy said, it starts changing, um, our relationships. There’s more room. Um, we can more easily recognize. Oh, so like I have a value, but I also have a primitive brain and it’s, it’s kept me alive, but it also has often only, you know, a few hundred thousand times, but It has often gone from, I miss the mark, I’ve made a mistake.
[01:18:02] I got that wrong. It didn’t work and landed in something that was really hard on my core. We talk about identity being held at our core. That’s our core energy field. Anything that we do to lighten, soften is more graceful. Imagine, you know, there’s a difference between boom. Can’t believe that and wow. Boy, did that miss the mark
[01:18:38] when we’re at all more graceful our identity around the things that actually are true about us and who we are and what we value are strengthened and get more space to to be in the world.
[01:18:58] Thank you all for being here. Thank you, Kathy for co creating. I so appreciate Rick and everyone here for exploring this because a lot of people would never look at it. And I think that would be a mistake. Um, You’ve given yourself some grace and I just really appreciate your philosophy and your willingness to explore tough situations.
[01:19:19] Till next time. Bye. Bye everyone.
[01:19:22]
Replay is below
