Gifts: Those We Give and Those We Are

 Real Skills Workshop - Community Event


RS 2021-11-30 Gifts-1200x630

Gifts: Those We Give and Those We Are

Real Skills Workshop: Express Your Heartistry

Hosts: Rick Wilkes (@Rick) and Cathy Vartuli (@Cathy)

Recorded Tue Nov 30, 2021

:point_right: Replay is below

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You’re also the Gift!

This time of year, many of us are getting gifts to give. That can bring up a lot of emotion! EFT Tapping can help around the feelings we have about giving gifts… and we’ll be doing just that in this Real Skills Workshop.

Gift Giving is one of the five love languages, yet we often only consider the physical gifts as being part of that.

What if YOU are also the gift?

When you bring your heartistry into a relationship, your presence and engagement are profound gifts.

I know… I know. They say, “Don’t think too much of yourself or you’ll get too big for your britches…” or some other moldy belief that blocks us from feeling the true joy in gifting our time and attention.

So many diminish themselves! I have. So many think nobody really wants us! I have. What if those negative beliefs are just crap wrap?

What if your true kin both want and need and are grateful for your presence… when you acknowledge and accept that you are, indeed, a gift?

If you decide to join Cathy and me for this workshop, it would indeed be. gift to us, and the Thriving Now community. Every workshop we do, we know that each person who attends or participates through the replay changes our emotional world for the better. We thank you. :purple_heart:

:point_right: Replay is below

Please, if you can support the workshop with a payment of $7.11+ – it matters (this is our family business). Thank you!

If you can’t… by all means still join us for free, as our gift.

Let’s be the gift… together.

P.S. Adira says, “This gift wouldn’t be the same without my Mama’s presence, would it? Same for who you are and what you give, too!”

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What Do You Truly Enjoy Giving… of Yourself?

I don’t know about you, but when I look out at what’s happening in the world, it evoke… helplessness.

I’ve learned (the hard way) to use that as a call back to what matters to me… to figure out ways to BE even if I can’t always DO.

This morning, waking at 444am, I needed to practice that skill. I needed to re-embody and act from my heartistry – which is why you’re getting this email. :smiling_face_with_three_hearts:

You see, I know you have gifts that you embody, especially energetic ones. Kindness is an energetic gift. Calm confidence is, too. Empathy – even super dooper sensitive empathy that is hard to manage! – is an energetic gift.

Gifts are designed to be shared. Expressed. The gifts we have within us make up our essence… our heartistry.

You don’t HAVE TO share that gift with anyone else. Emotional Freedom is our core value. And… when I tune to the “gifts that keep on giving” these flow from people dear to me who choose to share their gifts with me…

Their presence is a profound present (gift) in my world.

If you’re reading this, feeling what I’m sharing, you are gifting me a bit of your life… thank you. Thank you for letting me touch your mind and heart this day, and to invite you to be with a dear heart of mine – Cathy – and a circle of dear hearts of mine in tonight’s exploration.

We call it a Real Skills Workshop. It’s that because virtually everyone I know who expresses their emotional gifts in the world has had to overcome blocks and often abuse and worked hard to develop the skill of finding and living from their own clarity. I love these beings, and perhaps you will, too!

As I said in the last email, if you decide to join Cathy and me for this workshop tonight, it would indeed be. gift to us, and the Thriving Now community. Every workshop we do, we know that each person who attends or participates through the replay changes our emotional world for the better. We thank you. :purple_heart:

:point_right: Replay is below

Part of our heartistry is “everyday generosity.” We love feeling and expressing generosity in the world. (To me generosity is like the scent of jasmine or lavender. Mmmm…) Whether you can financially support the workshop or not, by all means still join us for free, as our gift.

Let’s be the gift… together.

P.S. Adira says, “I see you! It’s part of my heartistry… soul seeing. What are the gifts of yours you enjoy sharing?”

Gifts: Those We Give and Those We Are - Session Replay

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We welcome your insights, ah-ha’s, and sharing. Please! Click [Reply]

Click for Computer Generated Transcript

Gifts: Those We Give and Those We Are
[00:00:00] Welcome gifts that we give and gifts that we are. This is a real skills workshop for expressing our hardest tree. And you’d think with such a nice, friendly word. Gift that there would just be joyful and happy and not have any negative downsides block sort of belief that was standing away. But I’ll own up to the fact that I’m still working through things that were around gifts when I was a kid and as a, as an adult too.
[00:00:44] So, um, we’re, we’re touching on two sides of it tonight. Uh, I’m Rick from thriving. Now my partner tonight and through these workshops, Kathy, Vartuli from the intimacy dojo and thriving now. Um, and Cathy we’re, we’re going to be touching on like the energy around. The giving of gifts and also the gift that we are and how we share and express that in the world.
[00:01:11] And I love that we’re going to start off with some of the negatives around it, because I think gifts like people talk about, I’ve got to get over my resistance around money, or I have to get right around, get rid of my resistance around love or whatever, but gift giving. I think people kind of think, oh, I got this handled.
[00:01:26] And yet we have so many often there are so many old stories and beliefs mixed in that can really get in the way of giving freely and with our heart and also get making sure we’re taking care of ourselves. Um, and just being with people like, I, I just love this topic because I think by clearing this, there’s a way of giving to people.
[00:01:51] In various ways that feels very authentic and natural versus have you ever got, I imagine most of us have gotten a gift that was begrudging or uncomfortable for the other person and we could feel it in our body. There wasn’t like a, it wasn’t really as fulfilling or as delightful. And it was hard to let in the juiciness of it because something felt off.
[00:02:12] And I think, yeah, it felt off. And I think when we clear these for ourselves, one, it lets us receive so much better and to give much clean in a clean way, but it can someone who is giving to us in a way that feels off. If our side of the street is clean, it’s easy to say, you know, I really love the intention here, but something feels like it’s like may not feel quite balanced.
[00:02:36] Can we talk a little bit about this? I would really love the path between us to be an easy flow of generosity. That’s aligned for both of us. And that creates this ripple effect where people can actually be giving and receiving in a way that fulfills everybody. No one feels depleted or is that full. And I think that’s a beautiful thing to role model for the world.
[00:02:59] Especially as we come up to the T, you know, we have a lot of holidays coming up for all kinds of religions, um, or belief systems. And it’s a great time. What a gift to give, to give something with a clear heart and an open and open field conscious about it. Um, I’m remembering. That’s a poster. It was during a period where I was just being exposed to meditation and, um, all those things and the,
[00:03:38] what it said on it was be present. Um, which at the time I, I was so unclear that I took it like a command, um, day. It’s more like, oh, the present invitation. And that’s the journey that I took around that. And I, I remember at one point. Practicing presence. Okay. Be present, be present. And I, and I realized present gift synonym, present, give a present.
[00:04:17] Um, and that’s, that has become more and more meaningful to me, um, through my life is that we, our presence is a gift. When we bring something that we, we are something that we own and that’ll be part two of what we’re going to be covering. I think that, that the prayer, the gift of our presence that are.
[00:04:48] Gift that we are, can be far more valuable and rare than anything we could ever give, but it’s a lot easier for human rains. Like, let’s start, we’re going to start with something physical. So this is just a little stone heart, but like, if we talk about the physical things, then we have a nice corollary.
[00:05:04] When we go into the non non-tangible and we can have already cleared out some of the pathway. And for many of us, we were brought up by people that didn’t have access to all the skill sets that we’re all learning. And he now on together didn’t have a place to practice or learn. Um, and so we might have different, uh, kind of dirt that we’re carrying along with our belief patterns.
[00:05:29] I still remember my sister who I love very dearly, um, on her wedding day came up to me and she said, my new mother-in-law just offered to pay. I think they should offer to pay for their honeymoon vacation or something like that. And in our family, my sister and I gifts always had some kind of hook on them.
[00:05:49] You owed something for that. Um, and so she was in tears, like she’s like, uh, under wedding day, like, it sounds really sweet. What does she want? Why is she doing this? And I’ve luckily gotten to know her mother-in-law a little bit. And I said, I think, honey, she just genuinely loves you and wants you to have a lovely time.
[00:06:07] And I know that doesn’t resonate in our family. Like for a long time, if someone gave me something, it was like, they’d given me a snake or something. It was like, well, what do I owe you? Because there was like, my mother would do something nice. And I, she was just really depleted a lot, but she would use it as a way to like, to this day, there are certain things I get reminded of that she did for me when I was a little bit.
[00:06:31] And I still owe her and therefore she gets to steer me with those. And I don’t want that. I would like gifts, like Rick gives where it’s like, I love you. And I want you to, you know, I would love this to be a symbol of the love and maybe add some ease to your life. So if we can clear out some of those conscious or unconscious hooks that we have with gift giving, that gives us that lets us be generous in a whole nother level and to receive generosity from the universe and from our friends and loved ones at a new level.
[00:07:04] Oh, uh, our chat is open if you’re here live, um, uh, zoom has a chat button, um, and a chat option. We invite you. If something is just come alive for you, it helps Kathy and I to kind of track where we are as a circle. Um, If you’re watching the replay, there’s a comment area or reply area right below. And we invite you to do the same kind of.
[00:07:34] So that we can continue this dialogue and exploration together. Um, and if that’s not a yes for you, I keep a card with me to write down both like what’s happening that I want to remember, but also like what comes alive for me? So obligation that question. Like, is this a gift or is this a tip for you?
[00:08:02] This is, is this something that is going to mean that, oh, well now I have to reciprocate in kind like, and be that generous. You feel the kind of pressure that starts rising. Like for me, I’m feeling a pressure at a six or seven. It’s not attached to a very specific event, but just knowing that that is a dynamic that exists around gifts for some people.
[00:08:30] So you’ll notice I’m tapping on my collarbones. As I start feeling this, we’re not actually doing, you know, U of T tapping rounds. Yet. If you’re new to EFT tapping, you can get our free guide@thrivingnow.com slash tapping. Uh, we’re not gonna be teaching tapping today, but you’re welcome. To repeat the things that we say.
[00:08:52] You’ll notice that Kathy and I echo back and forth and also to tap the points as close as you can, as you can get. Um, so I’d love for you to lead us because you had that experience and it was part of your family. Um, I’m, I’m attuned to that with you and with myself, would you lead us in a tapping or to we delighted to, and just to help you tune in, if you’d like to, if you’d like to kind of notice your body, see if you can take a nice breath and let yourself be here.
[00:09:26] And now let the Facebook cats love dirty laundry and the trash having to go out. Let that just kind of thank you, meditation. I’ll bring it. I’ll come back to it later and just invite yourself here in this. I feel your feet on the floor, your button, the chair, hear the sound of my voice. And Rick’s voice just inviting you into a safe place where you can let the right things come up and be cleared so that you can have more freedom as you go forward.
[00:09:54] And if it will help you for some people, that’s, it’s a way of, um, of connecting. Imagine that I just came maybe, you know me when you don’t, but just to kind of activate it, imagine that I just came up to you and offered you. This is just this little stone heart. It’s a gift. I’m handing it to you and see what happens in your body as you do that.
[00:10:14] Like, is there, like, I’m curious, is there resistance? Is there a tightness, just be with that for a minute as just imagine that I’m offering you this to, to just see how that feels in your body. Just take a nice deep breath and we’re going to tap on obligation that is often attached. If you have parallels, we’ll do some other topics, but just note them down.
[00:10:38] Your system wants to clear our systems are beautifully wise. They’re full of love, and they know the right time to bring things up for you. So they might present you. Maybe it’s not obligation. Maybe it’s one of the others or something else. You’re welcome to share it in the chat or write it down to capture that so you can clear it.
[00:10:55] So karate chop, even though gifts often have obligation, even though gifts often have obligations, I’d like to offer gifts that are free and clear. I would really like to offer gifts that are free and clear, even though I haven’t seen that role modeled very much even. I haven’t seen that role modeled very much.
[00:11:18] I haven’t experienced it very much and I haven’t experienced it very much. I do believe the universe can be genuinely generous. I do believe the universe can be genuinely Jenna and some people have the ability to offer things just because they got. And some people have the ability to offer things just because they care top of the head.
[00:11:42] A lot of things I was given had hooked. So a lot of things I was given had hooks in them eyebrow. So I owed people afterwards, sorry, owed people afterwards. I was obligated to them. I was obligated to them under the eye. Maybe I owed them a gift back. Maybe I would owe them a gift back under the nose.
[00:12:04] Maybe I owed them other things. Maybe I owed them other things, chin and they may have felt a lot of scarcity and they may have felt a lot of scarcity and other things. They might’ve been really scared. And they might’ve been really scared under the arm. Yeah. They probably weren’t offering things out of the generosity of their heart.
[00:12:30] Yeah. Sometimes it wasn’t offered out of the generosity of their heart, top of the heads, too noisy. They may not have had clarity. They may not have that clarity. And I am allowed to have clarity. I’m allowed to have clarity, just take a nice deep breath and notice what’s verbally up for you. So you may have memories of different times, um, and different experiences.
[00:12:58] I try to be really clear. Now if my mother offers me something, I try to be really clear with her. I’m like, that’s very nice of you to think of, think of me. That’s a, you know, very kind gift. Is there something you want and return? Um, so like, I like to expose some of the hooks to the, to the sunlight, to, to light usually then she’s like immediately backs off and says no, and there’s not.
[00:13:22] But if I hadn’t said that, if I hadn’t asked often they’re still love conscious expectations, which is a lot of our emotional work by talking and touching on these things as part of what we’re doing is we’re touching on tender areas. Um, with the intent that we bring it, some relief and clarity, and then Kathy really focused there on like, I want my clarity.
[00:13:50] Um, so like I’d like to do around on the obligation to be happy with what’s given, right? Like that was a real pressure I felt as a child, um, uh,
[00:14:12] And that pressure to reciprocate in kind like, um, equal or better equal or better like, oh, we’re in this and competition. Oh yeah. Right. So in my round I may touch on all of those things. Um, you’re welcome to change the words. That’s one of the cool things about tapping is that you’re free to change the words, um, to get it focused in for you whatever’s alive for you.
[00:14:43] Um, side of the hand, even though it was obligated to be so excited about what I got, even though it was obligated to be so excited about. And sometimes I was not excited about what I got. Sometimes I was not excited about, about what I got there. Wasn’t the right size. It wasn’t the right size. Wasn’t the color that I wanted to wear ever most of the color, I want it to wherever, but don’t, aren’t, I obligated to be excited, but aren’t obligated to be excited and not confused me about giving gifts to, and that seems fused me about giving gifts to aren’t.
[00:15:19] We’re supposed to be obligated to be excited. Aren’t we supposed to be obligated to be excited. I don’t want people to be obligated, to be excited. I don’t want people to be obligated, to be excited, not if I got the wrong color. If I got the wrong color under the eye, none of I got the wrong size, not a thing.
[00:15:38] That’s the wrong size. Not if it’s not a good fit, not if it’s not a good fit in any way, shape or form in any way, shape or form. Not just clouded my clarity. It’s clouded my clarity. Good thing. I have options, like letting them off the hook right up front, like money, the heck, right up front, letting myself off the hook, letting myself off the hook.
[00:16:06] I’m still working on that one. I was still,
[00:16:12] um, but gifts were so complicated, I think gives her so-called.
[00:16:22] I had a stepmother that honestly, what, what she would get me would be the kind of thing that would assure me being bullied in school. Like now they did, you know, she’s famous, they wrote lots of fairytales about the evil stepmother. Um, but you know, it was horrible, but like I was obligated just to be appreciative, um, around a gift that wasn’t that, and that’s where it was, it was harsh.
[00:16:58] Um, and it colors other experiences, which really aren’t that. And this is the thing about emotions is that we can have, uh, uh, uh, uh, an association in our body for what does it mean to give and receive gifts that has roots in, I saw on the chat. You know, if your parents didn’t want a gift and that they put you down for even that desire to be, to recognize them, it’s this time it’s the season is the culture, for example.
[00:17:31] And you want to give them a gift and they reject that there, there is a quality of like, okay, that just colors, like, what does it mean to have this impulse to want to be generous? Yeah. Right. And I think that we can be excited. Like when, anytime we pretend with people, we create artificial walls between us.
[00:17:55] We reduce the intimacy between us. And there are some people where I’m just like, we don’t have time to be honest and clear with everybody. We get to choose who we do that with. No, one’s obligated to like, be directly honest with everyone, but I think it can be really useful if we can. Notice. Well, okay. I can, I can years ago, Rick gave me a painting that I actually loved at the time, but if here’s later, I noticed I kind of outgrown it.
[00:18:23] It didn’t feel right to me anymore. So I called him up and I, and I said, I didn’t want to just split it. We’ve on without checking with him because I love him. And I love the gifts he gives me. Um, so I, I called him up and I said, you know, this was such a, so touching when I got it. And it just doesn’t feel right for my home right now.
[00:18:42] I’m kind of doing some funkshway cleaning out. Um, and I was wondering how you’d feel if I, you know, kept all the love that you sent with that gift, but maybe let that go on. And he was really sweet about. I think we can meet. We can appreciate, even if someone gives us something, that’s totally like Rick’s mom giving him t-shirts are going to get him beat up or clothes that are going to get him beat up in school.
[00:19:05] It’s like, I so appreciate the intention behind this, but this isn’t a perfect fit for me. Can I keep the, the love and the generosity that was there, but maybe not keep the item that transfer that generosity to me. And again, you get to choose how you talk to and who you talk to that at that depth. I don’t know that my mother would ever get me talking to her about that.
[00:19:27] Cause she feels like she’s always like, if I give this to you, we have it. We’ll go to Goodwill. And I’m like that probably. Um, so like she doesn’t want to give it to me, which is fine. Cause she likes, um, so, but we’ve worked a relationship where now she’ll ask me rather than just mail me a bunch of stuff that I’ll have to take to Goodwill.
[00:19:50] Um, so I think that we get to decide how honest we want to be. Uh, someone asked in the chat, how would you say if you don’t like the gift? I, I do think we can look at, we can Intuit or we can ask, like, it seems like you gave this to me cause you care about me. And I really love that you thought of me or thought to get something for me.
[00:20:10] Um, and you get to decide how, how honest you want to be. Like, I don’t think this will fit in my home or this isn’t a good fit for my life or, um, you know, I’m, I feel like this might want to stay with me for a short period and then move on. Is that okay with you? But I do think the more we stop, the more we pretend with people, the more we create artificial walls.
[00:20:30] And we’re also strengthening the muscles of pretending when we do that. Versus if we can be honest with people, we’re strengthening the muscles of being true and honest with people and building a deeper connection. That’s really, for me, a gift is a trap. It’s a way to transfer here. I’m sending you love in a tangible way.
[00:20:50] It’s just one of many ways I can show that you matter in my life and that you are important to me and our survival brains like that. It’s like, oh, this is something I can touch and see. Um, so there’s nothing wrong with it. Let’s pause here because we’re weaving in, like, who are you? The things that, the gift that you are and what Kathy, Kathy reflected as that, as I listened to her, getting a gift that really wasn’t a match is that on her side, she looked at this person, who’s the gift giver and reflected the gift that they are.
[00:21:33] That you gave me this gift because you’re a caring person and you care specifically for me now that that in a summary is one of the ways that we, as receivers can be aware and reflect to people that we care about. Like what, what matters to them. And I believe the clearer that we are about what we’re, what we’re wanting to do.
[00:22:04] Like, um, gift giving is my lowest love language. Okay. Just like if you look at the five love languages, um, and you can Google it five, love languages, um, gift giving is like my lowest. However, the gifts that I am, one of the gifts that I, um, is I love to be useful to people. I just do. And so a gift that is going to be used and is gonna make their life easier, let them express their are like.
[00:22:43] I want things that are useful. It’s, it’s a bit different. Like one of, I mean, not everyone thinks that way. I don’t tend to give gifts that are, because I love someone in the same way. That’s just not like how my energy is. Um, I can do something to uplift and inspire. I can do something that, that, um, can be like a connection between me and another person.
[00:23:25] Like, um, like, uh, Kathy, you also have that statue, right? The goddess statue. Like I knew that Kathy was giving me that statue as a way of showing her caring and her love, because I know her for me, every time I look kind of over my computer, across the room, that’s my connection to her above it is a work of art that she gave me that is by the same artist that has the painting behind her.
[00:24:03] Now it doesn’t belong behind me, but it belongs right there. So can you see, like for me, the, the energetic is of one of connection that this gift connects us and, um, Just to acknowledge that right here at this point where we’re still working through some of the blocks and issues, and I’m wanting you to, I’m inviting you to recognize in yourself like, oh yeah, I really liked that gift.
[00:24:36] I gave that, that we both have the same thing or, um, it’s something that they use all the time and that it feels really good for me to like, made that, um, made that or given that, or live in their world in that way. Um, that says that the gifts that we’ve given, that, that give us something like that even years later, remind us about who we are, the gift, the energy that we want, that we can.
[00:25:11] And our gifts embody a little bit more. Um, if that makes sense. Oh, I love that. I think there’s different reasons. People give gifts and I think being clear on them and, um, someone was sharing in the chat about how some people, their parents were telling them that giving gifts was a sign of, of being weak.
[00:25:32] And I think when we’re trying to buy someone’s attention, affection, or lack of attack there, that can appear weak. I think for people that are looking to always, if there are people that have the, the eyeglasses of status all the time. And so for you to give a gift out, Could be like, oh, you’re showing you’re weaker than the other person you’re trying to buy their love or earn their love.
[00:25:57] Versus when you’re, when we’re in a heart-centered space. And we have the glasses of love and generosity, it might be, it just makes me feel really good when I like, when they send me a picture of a deer playing with a toy center or like wearing the little one Z, I gave her, I’m like, oh, I’m part of their lives.
[00:26:15] There’s that connection I made there. Maybe I made their lives a little bit better. So it’s not a status thing. I’m not. By my way in their life, because if that was the case, I’d just send a deer, a bunch of ponies and be done. But, um, and I have threatened because I think she’d be cute on a pony, but that’s says, no, I’m
[00:26:38] not coming for Christmas, but I think we, how are we looking at the gift giving? Are we looking at it as a way to climb status or get close to people in a, by them kind of way, or to get close to them because I care I’d like a connection with you. Would you like to receive this thing that would help us feel connected?
[00:27:00] And, yeah, so that covers are like,
[00:27:06] it’s, it’s sort of the relative of the obligation, like the, give something to get something and it just makes it explicit that sometimes, um, Uh, or kind of a classic case for me are, uh, vendors that have given something because they want my business. Um, not because it’s meaningful to me. Um, I’ve had some people in my life that, you know, it was, uh, a way of, of, um, showing off, like to be acknowledged, give me insecurity to I’ve done the insecurity.
[00:27:50] Like here, I don’t feel worthy of our relationship. So let me try to even it up by giving you more, yeah. Side of the hand, even though there can be real insecurity around gifts, even though there could be real insecurity around gifts, giving them and receiving them, give me them and receiving them and not receiving them and not receiving them or not having a gift accepted or not having a gift accepted.
[00:28:21] I’m in the process of calming myself. I am in the process of calming myself, clearing some of this old noise. They’re in some of this old noise. I’d like to be clear about the gifts I give. I’d like to be clear about the gifts I give and the gifts that I am and the gifts that I am gifts can be key Voke, such insecurity gifts can evokes eyebrow.
[00:28:52] Wow. So much insecurity. So much insecurity side of the eyes. So much insecurity about gifts. So much insecurity about gifts, ah, into the eye. So much noise, sometimes so much glaze. Sometimes I’d like to be calmer. I’d like to be calmer. Chin I’m asking for more clarity. I’m asking for more clarity,
[00:29:27] what would I like the gifts I give to mean? What would I like to give? So I give to me, what about me? What I like them to embody? What about me? Would I like them to embody about putting pressure on the other person without pain pressure on the other person, and that be different, be different,
[00:29:50] uh, check in with your body. See if you’re, there’s something you can pause here for a moment. It’s one of those real skills picking the powerful pause.
[00:30:09] See what’s alive for you.
[00:30:20] Feel free to share that in the chat, if you’d like, and if you want to wire in the space, remember a time where you over agave, for whatever reason you were feeling insecure, you, you were wanting to make a difference, whatever. Remember when you gave too much either money, time, uh, energy or the complication, like juggling too much.
[00:30:44] And just notice how your body felt, because it’s really useful to calibrate for that and notice, oh, this is how, like, I often feel like my heart will feel a little strained. Like there feels like a little strainer on my heart, but different people recognize that in different ways. And one thing I’ve tried to do is when I’m, when I’m considering giving to someone is to take that kind of half halt, that, that pause, um, and just kind of be in with, be with myself.
[00:31:12] Does this feel right to me? Or am I giving too much? Should I give half as much? Or should I modify the gift or do I need to give anything at all? Like just being present and seeing what’s genuine from my heart, because a lot of us have had a lot of role models. And if you watch TV, it’s give, give, give, buy, buy, buy.
[00:31:32] There’s a lot of pressure, bigger presence. If you don’t give as much. I know I felt very ashamed. One year the neighbors came over and gave me a gift and I didn’t have something for them. And I was like, you know, like all the social shame came up versus we’d never given each other gifts before. So it was really, you know, a surprise for me.
[00:31:51] Um, so you can just tune into yourself and if you can get that clarity, the practice, that muscle building of like, let me just give clarity before I offer to do something. Oh, you’re moving. Wow. I don’t want to help them move. Hmm. I’m going to keep my mouth shut instead of them looking at me. I’m I’ll say yes.
[00:32:10] And he can say, I really hope that works out well for you.
[00:32:16] Uh, yeah. I remember giving a holiday bonus to my entire staff and I’m just going to own, because it’s coming up and alive for me. I haven’t thought of it for a long time. Um, it was tainted with a desire to be viewed as a generous boss. I don’t like I will never be a boss again, by the way, this won’t happen.
[00:32:44] Been there, done that. Don’t like the hierarchy, the dynamic of that, like, I’m a co-creator, but I really, I, I needed to be seen as generous and that’s a gift with a game. Okay. I need the person to know how much I care that is a give to get back an acknowledgement. Um,
[00:33:16] to some extent it feels really natural that gifts have, uh, uh, uh, uh, this kind of energy, like, oh, you know, it’s, it’s, I mean, that’s part of the exchange. Um, and I believe that for me, if I’m giving in order to get a need met, it’s not a gift in the same way. Um, and it hasn’t felt good. So, um,
[00:33:53] Um, yeah, I thought one of the last thing, I think one of the last things we wanted to hit on was what if our gift isn’t received well, and I think that’s important to notice because with some certain people, I feel like I can play a little bit. We don’t always know what’s perfect for someone else. Like, I think there’s a, like a lot of social pressure we should know, or we should get them something so big and wonderful that they can’t possibly reject it.
[00:34:20] A new car with a big bow on the top. Like, no, I’m not going to give everyone big cars. Like I don’t even have a big car. Mine’s 10 years old. Um, There is that kind of like, Ooh, if I get it wrong, I didn’t, I don’t know them well, or I don’t, I didn’t read it. Right. And there’s like a shame about that. And for certain people, I’m not going to be very risky.
[00:34:41] Like my neighbors get a Bo box of nuts every year. Cause they know they love those. That’s like done. But I have friends where I gave, I gave a friend recently something and I said, this is either wildly inappropriate or hilariously funny. And you’re welcome to tell me either way, but I trusted them enough to risk it, to play a little with them.
[00:35:02] And instead it’s given with love, it’s meant with love. I checked, I don’t feel any hooks, but like yeah, Oprah hit a car and you hit this. Um, but we can, we can just check in with ourselves and say like, oh, does it have to be perfect? I think this parallels really well with the B the being a gift, because we’re not always going to get it right.
[00:35:25] Sometimes I’m being with someone and I have a pretty good intuition. I’ve worked on it for many years and I’m going to miss step sometimes, especially when we’re dancing or the edge in someone, someone may have conflicting needs going on. And I’m like reading one and not picking the other up as strongly as I might have or whatever, if we can let ourselves just allow it to play a little bit, invite a little bit, like I’m kind of trying this out with the right people, gift giving can be a lot more fun rather than this pressure thing of like, I’ve got to get it right.
[00:35:56] And we can build the trust up with people like, Hey, this might be wild, wild topping on. I have to get it right. Yeah. What about even though I have to get this right. Even though I have to get this right. I must mind read them. I must mind read them, read them and heart, read them. Yeah. And get them the thing that will change their life forever.
[00:36:21] They get the thing that will change their life forever in a good way. They’ll be clutching it when they die.
[00:36:30] Can’t even say that it has to be perfect. It has to be perfect. And that’s a lot of pressure and that’s an immense amount of pressure that I feel going back forever. There’s nowhere to play in that.
[00:36:46] There’s really no way to play in that top of the head. What if I invited myself to play with gifts a little more? What if I invited myself to play with gifts a little more about what the appropriate people with the appropriate people side of the eye does not need to be on mothers. Yeah, it does not need to be our mothers.
[00:37:08] Good friends. What about with good friends? Maybe we can play a little bit more where we can play a little bit more. Shannon warn them. It might be wildly, wildly, and Warren though, this may be wildly inappropriate or hilariously funny or hilariously funny, and it isn’t met with love and it’s man rip love, play connection.
[00:37:41] Top of that. What if I took the pressure off if given what if I consciously took the pressure off with gift giving, just take a breath and see if that feels okay for you.
[00:38:01] Um,
[00:38:05] Yeah. Like my inner child would have loved some language and some attitude around, Hey, I got you something. And this is something that I can imagine you really like it, or just be like, please take it back. I’m just really curious.
[00:38:27] Now I can feel my little Ricky group being I’m totally cool with not knowing, um, as long as it was pre-framed the frame is like, Hey, this could go either way and I’m okay. I hope you’re okay. Um, and yeah. Yeah.
[00:38:56] Let me appreciate some upgrades about around gift giving. I would appreciate some gifts, some upgrades. And I’ve made some, and I’ve made some, and I’m making some now and I’m making some now and I’m not done yet. And I’m not done yet. Gifts are an exchange of energy gifts, or an exchange of energy. I want that to feel good.
[00:39:18] I want that to feel good. I want it to feel fun. I want it to feel fun. I want to take the pressure off. I don’t want to feel it takes the pressure off. Oh man. I don’t need to take the pressure that we have. I need to take the pressure out. I just don’t want to take the pressure off. Let’s take the pressure off
[00:39:42] as I’m. I’m not, uh, that’s not who I am. That’s not who I am. I don’t want others to feel pressured. I don’t want others to feel pressured. I don’t want to feel pressured. I don’t want to feel pressured, starting to get clear about what I don’t want with the gifts I give. I’m starting to get clear on what I dealt a lot with the Gibson.
[00:40:08] So just a time check where we take a seven minute break at some point, usually around 50 minutes, but I’m feeling like might be good to take one right now is I feel good to you? Yeah, let’s do that. And let’s, we’ll segue back into the gifts that we are, which I think is even more rich and beautiful. I appreciate all of you for doing this work.
[00:40:31] Most people don’t look at this and I just I’m really honored that you’re here. So what we’re going to do is we’re going to pause the recording and we’ll come back the gifts that we are. We’ve already been touching a bit on that. We can start noticing and becoming aware of our core, our core intentions, our core essence, what matters to us as we give them.
[00:40:59] As we receive gifts and even there’s a hint of it in the Hertz around gifts. Um, you know, one of the things that we we can ask in emotional work is, um, what I was really wanting or needing was as an example, like clothes that didn’t fit. I, I was really needing someone who checked in with me. And so that’s a quality of, of check-in and consent.
[00:41:47] And, um, uh, I value that over surprise. Now, some people don’t like. And so part of, one of my things is do you like to be surprised even if I get it wrong or do you like, like, to really know that there’s a good match between why and what I’m giving and, and you, so, um, Yeah, I just, I would like to add that we often intend when we’re being the gift that we, you know, I have this idea.
[00:42:21] I love being the person. That’s the grounding comms support. Like they, they get good things from me, but we also don’t know how people will take things. So one of the biggest gifts someone gave me, I was at a conference and I was about to go into my first podcast was really big names. So it was like, for me, it was big names.
[00:42:40] I was like, ah, and I was very nervous. Like my hands were shaking and someone had just heard me talk in a class. I’d given a talk about beauty ism. And this, this gentleman ran up to me. Any was so excited about the talk that I had just heard. He hugged me really tight and poured a hot cup of coffee down my back as I’m like about to walk in.
[00:43:02] So I go in and he was so apologetic and I had to go in with sticky, wet, hot, going to call back. But it was one of the loveliest gifts he could have given me for some reason that grounded me. I went in and I never done a podcast before. And I don’t often say I killed it, but I killed it. Like I did such a great job.
[00:43:23] And the woman afterwards, I heard her whisper. The person that invited me in is like, I thought she’d never done these before. That was great. And I still wish I could find that person to thank them because I think he walked away feeling like he’d really upset me right before I went on a call when he really actually, for whatever reason it was perfect.
[00:43:43] And so we don’t always know if we’re asking the universe. I often say universe and Rick and I do this a lot before calls was like, please, please let us be of service. We don’t always know what that will look like. I always prefer it to look like grace elegance. Sometimes it does it. Sometimes we’re the mirror they’re going.
[00:44:02] I don’t want to do that. So just remember that we don’t know how it will be received. I kind of think when we’re offering something because people’s psyches are different, it’s kinda like there’s a, uh, a little kid playing in the backyard in the fence. We can’t see them. And we toss a ball over the fence, how they receive it.
[00:44:23] One kid might be like a ball I’ve wanted a ball forever and become a great basketball player. Whatever it is, another kid might be going, balls are flying over the fence is the world is dangerous. We don’t always know how our gifts are going to be received. We can make sure it’s clear and clean on our end.
[00:44:41] We can check in, like Rick said, I love your checking in. Like, please ask before you get me. Um, but even then we don’t know how it will be received. And I think that at some point where like, okay, I can make sure there’s no hooks or sticky stuff on my end. I can check in with the person, but then I’m offering it to them in the universe to do what they can.
[00:45:03] And it’s are not, not are like, I think somebody, we take too much responsibility at some point. Like, it’s gotta be the best gift ever. And it just, maybe it’s the gift is a hot cup of coffee down your back. And honestly, it, I was so grounded. I wasn’t afraid anymore. I was just there and I was like, this is perfect.
[00:45:22] I couldn’t have planned this. Thank you. Uh, yeah,
[00:45:32] in this section. The gift that we are, um, I’d like to invite, especially if you find this a little difficult, um, it gets easier for me as the decades go by. Um, but I believe that there’s, there are, there’s an emotional quality about yourself that you own that if somebody said, oh, you’re not that you, you probably would realize they don’t really know you.
[00:46:09] Um, so I’d like to take a moment and just check in with yourself. Like I know myself to be, and if you need to soften it, like I know myself to be not the stupidest person on the planet. Okay. That might not be the same as I know myself to be competent in a lot of areas, right? Yeah. It might be, I I’m generally kind or, um, yeah.
[00:46:47] And in a world where maybe you’ve bumped up against, you know, some people that think that being generous is the stupidest thing to do. Um, yeah, I actually, when it’s a, yes for me really am a generous hearted person. Um, what is it for you? And if you, if you get something you’d like to share in the chat that would be invited, welcomed.
[00:47:23] And realize you’re having a horrible time with this, and you’d like to do some tapping with us. Um, you can raise your hand as well. That’s under reactions. I realize that if you’re willing to acknowledge what is true for you, that actually can turn up on the volume. If you’re willing to let that in, it’s a gift to yourself.
[00:47:44] But it also, to me, when I’m willing to admit that I have something, I, I, it seems like I have more of that to give the world by, by owning it it’s stronger. And many of us were taught to be modest and kind of like, oh no, not me, but I really do think that less, that doesn’t give us the same amperage when we’re shining lights and offering gifts to other people and are trying to be something.
[00:48:08] And we’re like, oh no, no, no, I’m not very smart. I’m not very whatever. It’s not letting us really stand in it. Like. Yeah, it does. I don’t do it a hundred percent of the time. No one does, but I’m genuine generally kind with people. And sometimes I’m like, Rick, I need to vent and gossip for a few minutes and then tap on it.
[00:48:26] But you know, like we all get to do that. So if you’re willing to own it, you give a gift to the world and hear yourself. And I’m feeling some resistance. I’m not seeing anything in chat doesn’t mean that there’s nothing going on for people. But even though I have this resistance, even though I have this resistance to owning my gifts gifts, to acknowledging the things that matter to me, acknowledging the things that matter to me.
[00:48:55] But I enjoy expressing in the world. I enjoy expressing in the world,
[00:49:02] even though I’m not perfect at these things, even though I’m not perfect. That’s not what Rick is asking our Cathy’s interested in. Kathy’s interested in what matters to. What matters to me, what matters to me enough? What matters to me enough? I brought that I’ve cultivated it, that I’ve cultivated it.
[00:49:22] Maybe there were seeds when I was born, maybe there is seeds when I was flying. Some of them might’ve been crushed some of them, but they’re still there. They’re still there and they’ve grown and I’ve healed and I’ve healed. And this I know to be true about me, you know, to be true about me.
[00:49:50] And it’s interesting, like I’m looking around the room here and the people that I know, like I could point and assert that my experience of.
[00:50:06] You has certain qualities. And if you’re having a really hard time with this, ask someone that you have a good relationship with. What’s something, you know, to be true about me.
[00:50:24] And like, I remember, um, uh, long, long ago when I was healing, um, I was feeling really down on myself. I didn’t feel like I had any, like, why would anyone want to be my friend? And, um, I had, uh, a person in my life that I felt good enough, close enough with that. I could say, like, I don’t, I don’t know why anyone would want to be my friend.
[00:50:54] And he paused and he looked at me and said, you’re one of the most generous people. I know.
[00:51:08] And in that moment, I let it in. And you know, my definition of generous might not be somebody else’s. Um, but I know that that’s a quality that I enjoy. I weave it into my work. I weave it into my life. I leave it. I have boundaries because you know, it’s one of those gifts that if you don’t have some container that feels good to you.
[00:51:38] It’s the kind of thing that people that don’t value it, that don’t resonate with it. That aren’t mutual. It’s not a mutual. Yes, yes. Um, can exploit, but having taken care of those things, you know, I, I love being generous. Um, it’s.
[00:52:02] I like things that are, that are where I’m competent and not just for myself. Like
[00:52:13] I am competent at taking the car, getting it inspected, coming back, logging onto the DMV, going through a very, very confusing AI based dialogue and getting the car registered for the next year. That’s a gift that I am
[00:52:38] so like. And so I’m just, I’m sharing those two feeling, you know? Yeah. I don’t think we have to fly a lot of us. I watch, I love marvels the Marvel shows so that people fly around and in capes they can transform matter and stuff. We transform ourselves to be. I think everyone is here. You’re trying to transform who you are and do some, someone even more loving, more powerful.
[00:53:06] That alone is a beautiful thing. And I love that. I feel most alive when I am sharing my gifts with people and being of service. It really matters to me and I want to do more of it. And now I’m offering a workshop. Awesome. My gift is bringing beauty into the world with my painting, with my cooking and presenting things and myself and being open and kind to people around me like, um, that kind of beauty is, is not my gift.
[00:53:40] And to know that you’re there in our circle and you’re not the only one that I feel beautifies, um, the world through their, their artistry and their hardest street that they bring to the activities that they do. Um, like just feeling that you’re, you’re owning that enough to share it. Thank you. Um, and again, that is not a pressure because part of the.
[00:54:06] Another thing that I value is consent. And so like the gifts that we are as you start blending and interweaving the, can change your relationship around gifts that you give. So I enjoy being generous, useful consensual. And, um, yeah, like how does competence play into that? Well, it means that I have to, I have to, I choose to practice this.
[00:54:44] To get good enough at it, that that gifts aren’t the trauma that they were most of my life. And so it might look like, Hey, I’m finding myself wanting. I really would love to do something that’s both generous and really useful to you. The kind of thing that you’ve wanted and you haven’t gotten it for yourself.
[00:55:05] And, um, you know, has anything come to mind? This is what I said to my partner tonight, as we were preparing. And she actually came up with something which appeals to my like, oh yeah. Now it isn’t a yes yet, but it’s an exploration. And so like the gift that I am is having the dialogue. It isn’t about the present.
[00:55:32] It’s about being the person that is engaging with my partner in a certain way, a certain dance that is aware of and focused on the things that I, I own about myself, that I want to. Yeah, I real, I was touched by this and this is one of the examples. Like we never know what will touch other people, someone shared.
[00:55:58] I want to be sharing what I, how I want to express myself in music and songwriting. But I find that I’m always looking for recognition from others. And when that doesn’t happen, I get disappointed and wondering, wonder if there’s anything, anyone out there that shared values my sharing. And I, I have been struggling somewhat with that myself too.
[00:56:18] Like I love feedback. I love getting confirmation from other people that I’m on the right track. And I also want to have my own confirmation. I want sometimes create things just for myself and yet there’s something lacking when it’s, I think one of the gifts we can give for other people is by reading.
[00:56:37] Like, if I create something, I want someone to celebrate it with me. I want that like, oh, I do see you. There’s like the kinship. Like we see this together. It’s like, when you’re walking down the street and something funny, something happens and two people look and you just see in each other’s eyes, like we’ve kind of seen it the same way.
[00:56:54] There’s like a ha good feeling in our bodies when we do that. So I think that when we’re trying to create, they use, there is a struggle to balance. Getting outside confirmation and recognition, and also finding our own and giving ourselves permission to recognize what we’re creating. And I struggle with that sometimes because I wasn’t raised in a family that valued internal recognition.
[00:57:19] If you were proud of yourself, if you ever said, oh, I, I kicked, I kicked butt. I did a really good job. My family made sure you were taken down several pegs for a long time. So it can be hard to recognize that if you haven’t built the muscle for that and a gift you can give both yourself and others by role modeling is to, even though it’s really hard to build up that muscle when it’s really weak is to gently practice.
[00:57:43] Okay. I don’t have any recognition right now. I feel wobbly and would love that. What do I appreciate about that? What felt good to my body in the creation? Or if I sit back and look at this, um, start gently building up the muscle of seeing our own worth and knowing our own value in the world, um, can be really powerful.
[00:58:05] So I, I appreciate the person who shared that because to me it’s something I’m actively working on right now. It touched me. Yeah. And just to say, like, I, words of affirmation is something I love to give. I love to reflect and affirm, um, and consent. So like, if, if, if this person who shared, if you said, Hey, are you open to really like listening and affirming that me creating this and writing these songs is something that you.
[00:58:42] That you value and I’ve, you’ve reflected that before, but I’m really feeling like I could, I could use a gift of affirmation. Wow. Now imagine our circle where you start to get to know that like, oh, it’s in Rick’s nature to be useful and generous, um, and consensual. And so that, that can help us tune. Or, and now he’s just said he likes to be enough, uh, you know, words of affirmation or something that he enjoys doing.
[00:59:15] What if I asked him to be generous with words of affirmation and I checked in with him to see if he’s consents to that. And it’s a yes for him. Whoa. Now we’re really tuning to each other. And that’s, and that’s exciting to me that if we are, are tuning to what matters to us, that we’re practicing, we’re building some skill around it.
[00:59:43] It gives us a sense of, of solidness and growth and rightness in us when we express it in, uh, in, in, in, in these ways that we can honor each other too, and, and openly ask, um, if that’s a yes, so the gifts we, we, we start to acknowledge each other’s gifts and even ask for people, give them opportunities and invitations to express their gifts.
[01:00:11] Um, one of the reasons. Um, for those of you that signed up for this workshop, um, if you’re already a circle member or you have a one-year pass, you’re automatically signed up for each workshop, but everyone else on the list, thousands of people on the list, um, if they want to attend the workshop, they, they go through a process.
[01:00:36] And one of the options is to pay for it on a gliding scale, which I find generous. It’s like, Hey, I could set a price. And just like, well, you can’t afford that. Forget it. Um, but I give a range. And what I notice is they’re generous people in my community. I love that who also have resources and I’m grateful for that.
[01:01:00] And there are people that are really generous and they don’t have resources. And so the gift is they get to be here for free. Now this is probably not a surprise as you get to know me that this. One of the reasons I have people go through that process is that every time someone signs up for free, I say a little blessing for them.
[01:01:24] Thank you. Thank you for your interest in our work, in our community and what we do. And I hope that you can really feel the community’s generosity because it’s not just me. I don’t have the resource to do this for free, free, you know, I need that shared generosity. So does that make sense? Well, and I know that you said you send a, uh, like a appreciation to anyone in contributes to, so it’s nice way to, I think we, when we’re giving from our heart, like sometimes we give the thing we most need to, you know, that person most needs and the rest we can ask the university.
[01:02:08] And I, I like that. I like that or where there’s not an obligation I noticed today is giving Tuesday. And I went on Facebook today and there were so many people asking for money. I just was like, ah, and I already donated to the cause that I care about the most for that I wanted to contribute to. Um, and it can feel like there’s a lot everywhere.
[01:02:31] And I think just like empathy, it’s okay to say universe, please draw my attention to the places I can contribute. Um, and then the rest just let it pass by. It’s I’ll let trust the universe is going to give the right things at the right time for that. Um, because there is a lot of need out there and that doesn’t mean we can’t educate ourselves and be aware, but I do like universe.
[01:02:53] Please draw my attention to the places that I can most I can make the most difference with my energy and time and money I’m going to share. My gift is inspiring people and sending love. Into the social media last year. I also have a gift of sharing, funny things to make people smile and laugh. And, uh, yes.
[01:03:12] In fact, the, the, I have to be careful not to be drinking coffee when I, when I see one of your things, because I, I, I totally almost woke up the family at six o’clock in the morning with one of them that I just couldn’t stop laughing over. I didn’t hurt my rip though. Um, so thank you. Um, that’s what to do if it feels okay to you, if anyone wants to do any tapping on any resistance, they’re feeling either around being a gift.
[01:03:46] Cause that can be scary too. I often have the thought that if I, every time I kind of feel like I grow a level, there’s a fear that people will come and try to take what I am like. They’ll want it too much and try to do. Um, or, you know, like it’s, it’s kind of scary to step out there. There can be like, no, I’m really comfortable where I am.
[01:04:09] So you want to lead some happy in that record. Do you want to see, um, at this point, if someone would like to raise their hand to work on this, I would love to see that it’s under reactions or under.dot dot, um, and otherwise I’d love for you to, like, one of the things that we talked about is that sense that, okay, so I have this gift and I always have to, I have to, I have to be empathetic.
[01:04:38] I have to be kind, you know, that can be exhausting. I know a lot of empaths that are burnt out. Yeah. Then it’s not, it’s not in our, yes. And I believe that that’s part of being in the gift is that conditions and, um, the yeses. Um, nobody has a claim on it that that isn’t necessarily how we were raised, but that’s what I believe most emotion when I say emotional freedom.
[01:05:08] Um, it says, yeah, I don’t have to use my gift here. Um, doesn’t make me a bad person. Um, um, I think it’s really useful to distinguish. There are people, marginalized communities that have not had access to certain things, but haven’t like if we have a lot of something and we see other people that have been marginalized, I try to make sure to be inclusive in my offerings, offer some things at a scholarship.
[01:05:36] I think it’s access to things, Rick and I do a lot of you can go on there’s over 800 scripts for free. So like the access to what we are, we try to provide here’s ways we did this. You can try it. You have, you can get access to it free. You don’t get access to me for free. There’s a difference if that makes sense.
[01:05:55] We’re not trying to hide the pathway from anyone or try to like, and honestly, I think that your attunement to, um, access and how we share that that’s a gift and I’m grateful that more and more people seem to have that awareness. Um, and for this purpose, I don’t feel like people have to, there are some people that access, um, you know, it’s just not where they are.
[01:06:23] You can lead the horse to water and it may not be right and they’re not oriented. That’s not their gift. There’s not the orientation. I’m just, I’m wanting to stay solid. And the. The container of, you’re not obligated to use your gifts. I just like to quantify that because I want to be aware about marginalized communities, maybe my brain isn’t noticing that.
[01:06:44] And I want to be inclusive, karate chop, even though I do have a lot of gifts, even though I have a surprising number of gifts, if I’m willing to admit it and some amazing resources, some amazing resources, I don’t own myself to anyone else. I don’t owe myself to anyone else. They do not get to claim my time, my energy or my money.
[01:07:08] They don’t get to claim my time, energy or money. I get to choose. I get to choose. I invite the universe to help me be generous with my cheesy and I invite the universe to help me be clear with my choosing yeah, top of the head I choose. I brought, I don’t owe this to anyone. I don’t actually owe this to anyone side of the, I don’t have to drain my empathy down to the drags.
[01:07:39] I don’t have to drain my empathy down to the drags, kindness and patience down to nose, my kindness and patience down to nubs under the nose. I get to take care of myself too. I get to take care of myself to Chen. This is a challenging balance some days, and this was a challenging balance. Some days collarbone.
[01:08:02] Sometimes I don’t get it right. And sometimes I don’t feel clear and right under, they have, sometimes I give too much. Sometimes I’ve given too much that had other times, I wish I’d given a little more and sometimes I wish I’d given a little more and that’s all okay. I get to play at this. And it’s okay.
[01:08:22] I get to play at this. Just take a nice deep breath and notice that even if we kind of drain ourselves, as long as we don’t harm ourselves, physically, we come back. Like sometimes I’m like, I don’t want to talk to another human being for several days until I’m filled up again. I need to get a massage or something first, but usually that comes back so we don’t have to get it perfect.
[01:08:47] And we’re learning as we go. But I do think I asked the universe to make sure that I’m not missing. I don’t want to miss someone because my socialization is that I only look to certain groups of people or whatever. Um, and I teach that when I talk about beauty as I’m, I’m like our, our brains are trained to look for people that look a certain way, conventionally pretty people.
[01:09:09] And there’s a lot of other really awesome people. So we can be aware and start noticing, and we can get to say no yet to have bad. Just because someone needs something doesn’t mean where the one that has to do that, we can listen to our heart, but you offer them resources. Like, I love that Rick and I have like, here’s the grounding exercises, please.
[01:09:29] I hope that helps. And here’s some other people that might be able to help you, but we’re not. We get people writing in sometimes demanding free sessions or how can you charge for healing work? And it’s like, uh, because we have to pay for our lives and we, it costs money to run this. And because we get to say no, um, you know, it’s just that we get to be, we get to set boundaries.
[01:09:53] And I think that’s true of any gift. No, I I’ve been blessed to engage deep enough with so, so many people who I’ve gotten to know their gifts. And one of the things about our gifts is that. Um, there seems to be, uh, a real significant lack of
[01:10:22] healthy development. So I’ll give you an example because that wasn’t clear. I’m really empathetic. Okay. And if somebody, but I’m looking across the screen here, if any, one of you who I know well had met me when I was eight. And you had said, Hey, it seems like you’re really feeling some things right now.
[01:10:51] Yeah. Are you, are you picking up on what some other people are feeling or is it your feeling kind of both. Yeah. Um, now nobody even acknowledged that. So that shows you how inept the cultivation of my empathy was in the, in the environment that I was raised in. And so if you’re, sometimes we, we can benefit by going back in time and looking at things that you know, were hard for us and looking at like, what gift did I have that really wasn’t being skillfully cultivated.
[01:11:39] That’s why these are real. Yeah. I love it. When people express their hardest tree, hardest tree, to me means things that matter to you. If you are expressing something that matters to you without harming others, um, Then I’m all on board. Like I can so affirm your freedom and your expression in that. Um, but, and that’s what we’re doing here as adults.
[01:12:11] And I believe that the more that we walk with an awareness of like, oh, maybe the reason I’m not fully claiming my gifts is that, you know, I never had someone who’d worked like I have, who went to a workshop about gifts to look at me and say, Hey, you really care about your art. You put your heart into your.
[01:12:44] You, you don’t just take it casually. You’re so earnest about your art, especially if it’s for someone else like, wow, I really recognized you. Do you agree? Is that something that you find true for yourself? Like that’s my experience of you? I go, that’s really true. Yeah. It’s got some challenges that come with it, right?
[01:13:11] Yeah. Um,
[01:13:19] I would like to invite us if, as we do this work to, to be on the lookout for the gifts of others, um, not a requirement you don’t have to. Um, but when, when, when we recognize. Uh, each other, what matters what’s showing up when you did that, right from the start, Kathy was like, oh, I’m getting, I know that you’re, you’re sharing this with me, this gift with me, because of your caring for me, that’s, that’s just such a part of our relationship that I value when you do that.
[01:14:03] A lot of the other, I think challenges start taking their rightful place and you know, that’s not my size. Yeah. I was like, thanks, but I’m not going to keep these jeans, right? No, that, um, that texture is not one that I can, I can wear. And so, like, I, I’m wondering if, um, we can take this energy and move it in a different way.
[01:14:33] Um, And what a beautiful time to practice this we’re right. Coming up to win. A lot of groups are giving gifts to each other, or like I’m getting gifts from my nieces and nephews for the holidays. When I’m trying to do is be very mindful. It’s I sometimes feel guilty. I live far apart, far away from them, and I don’t have like, some of them I have a really close relationship with, but none of them as close as to Rick’s daughter who are no blood relationship, like I don’t talk to them about near deer or we talk several times a week.
[01:15:08] And what I try to do to be mindful that there’s not like, is there a guilt in this? Am I, am I giving a bigger gift out of guilt or trying to build a connection through money? Or just through being present with them? Like sending them something that their mom or their dad thinks they’d like, or they asked.
[01:15:28] And I’m also trying to balance that with tuning into myself. And I invite you to try this every time you go to give a gift over the next, like, the more you practice this, the easier it gets. But like, does this just take that pause and feel into your heart? And like, does this feel right? What if I went like, for some things it’s like, you can go a size up or a size down, you can do it.
[01:15:48] You know, like what feels right to my heart. And if I try to go bigger or try to do differently, what is it? That’s there. And sometimes for me, sometimes the notes that accompany the gifts are the things that I treasure the most, like the box of chocolate will be gone. But the note saying you’ve added so much sweetness to my life.
[01:16:08] I just wanted to send some back to yours. I still have a little box of things like that. So I think this is a great time to practice being authentic to you and making sure you find some balance. You’re not going to get no, none of us get it perfect. But like, am I doing this in a way? Is feeling good to me and is clean and clear to send this other person, somebody that’s just, nobody likes to be sent guilt gifts.
[01:16:33] Like it doesn’t feel nice. Um, and it doesn’t feel, it doesn’t feel delightful to me, but I, because I look at my bank balance afterwards, like I broke my, I didn’t do my budget again. And I just was trying to get them to, you know, feel like I love them, even though I haven’t seen them in two years because of COVID versus they’ll probably don’t care how much I spent.
[01:16:53] They just want to fund, you know, they’re like to open presents at Christmas. So I just invite you as you go through years to try some of the songs, see what fits for you. And some of that is also just not getting so frazzled around the holidays that there’s very little to give. A lot of people are running around trying to make it look a certain way versus just being with each other.
[01:17:15] It’s such a beautiful gift. Um, thank you for being. Um, thank you Kathy, for co-creating. Thank you for the contributors and the people. Um, we continue this engagement on thriving now.center. It is a, um, discussion forum, but, and it’s it’s to explore these concepts for thriving and the skills that we’re cultivating and have a place that you can even ask for.
[01:17:55] Hey, this is something I made. I’d like to be acknowledged. If anyone, you know, I’m finding myself wanting some acknowledgement of what, what is it that your heart and soul are asking for? We have a generous community. Uh, thriving now circle thriving now.com/circle is a way that you can also participate in open tapping non-recorded sessions.
[01:18:25] Um, we have usually six a month of those plus the two real skills workshops. So, um, last things of the season and life and, um, yeah, Kathy and I are at support@thrivingnow.com - If what you’d like to share is more private. Um, we both get those emails. Thank you so much for contributing and being here.

We covered…

  • Gifts We Give and the pressures, obligations, give-to-gets
  • Gift exchanges interwoven with what matters to us
  • Gifts we “own” in ourselves (and the challenges in doing that)
  • How gifting changes when our “come from” is clear and connected to what matters to us

Resources Mentioned

  1. Thriving Now Emotional Freedom Circle

  2. EFT Tapping Guide

Great to have you on this journey with us!

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Oh man…the mine field of holiday gift giving, every family have their own spin on this… Don’t like “gifts” that come with an invisible invoice attached.
I appreciate Cathy’s “that’s nice of you, is there something you want in return?”, Rick for bringing up the topic of having to be thankful for things we never asked for, didn’t want…etc.

One of my ex’s family had some strict (read gaslighting) rules around this and by golly you’d better comply or be frozen out etc for however long.

My ex never gave me any presents during our marriage, and that too felt really odd, and I never knew if that was perhaps cultural, or just within his family. I still feel uneasy about that, better tap on it and release that.
I have explored this quite a bit as an expat, coz expectations, culture, upbringing, sensitivity, etc.
and I have a character do this in one of my books too.

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I was writing about such give to get expectations with morning in the topic of Agreements. Thanks for sharing here your own potent experiences on how these get all enmeshed and confused. Appreciate the gift of your sharing!

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Thank you @Rick and @Cathy for this fantastic session. I didn’t expect so many things to come up for me. It was hard to tune into some of the crap I bring to my gift giving…yuck! Tap tap tap. And receiving. And I had some very vivid memories of different examples you covered like getting something that I hated from relatives (I always got the bad color and my sister always got the cool colors) but having to be extremely appreciative…no room for honesty or I was ungrateful…also remembering asking asking for a camera and my dad gave one to my mom instead of me (for the family, but she didn’t share it with me). I felt such deep betrayal and I wished I hadn’t voiced my desires because it was painful to see someone else open the gift I wanted… it was my idea!! And now my nephew is asking for this same gift and I have resistance into giving it to him…Like if I didn’t get it at that age why should he?? Yuck… Lots of stuff hiding on this topic so thanks for bringing it to light. I want to be better skilled at my giving and receiving for sure. Bring on the clearing!

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The 5 Love Languages gets it right. Gifting is a LANGUAGE, with all the subtleties and egads things that do not make sense (why do we drive on a parkway but park on a driveway?!??!) that any language has.

I am not fluent in gifting. True, I’ve learned some nursery rhymes. Sometimes they are pretty cute and right for the moment. I know “enough” to know I am far fonder of specific requests for things people really want (even down to size, model, color) and for myself surprises are less delightful than something “useful” that will become a part of my daily life.

And yeah, the noise of a thousand “special events” over the decades often arises to be acknowledged and tapped on… and shifted where possible.

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