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Future Mapping for the Overthinker’s Soul
[00:00:00] Future mapping for the Over thinker’s soul. It’s a real skills workshop, and our intention is that you will feel more calm and confident as you go through your life, , by having done the exercises and explored this together. I’m Rick from ThrivingNow. I’m here with Cathy from ThrivingNow and TheIntimacyDojo and Cathy, could you map out what you even mean by future mapping and, uh, I think for a lot of us, overthinker is pretty clear.
[00:00:32] Yes. Well, I think I, I, when I was kind of digging into this, it came up in a, a Buddhist podcast I was listening to and I was like, aha, I do this all the time. And it was kind of that fish and water. I wasn’t aware of how much I was doing it until I kind of stepped back and went, wow. I plan the future all the time.
[00:00:49] I’m always looking for, um. How, how will this come out? How will this person react if I do this? How will it be if that person does this or if this, if it rains on Sunday or if they had a bad night’s sleep? There’s all these criteria if then flow maps in my charts in my head about. It’s protective. I think it’s, it’s not a bad thing to do, but it can take up a lot of energy and it can sometimes get us stuck and it can create a lot of anxiety for folks.
[00:01:20] So, um, and the, the podcast linked it to, and I think it’s accurate, that it often happens for people that are very empathetic, people that don’t, aren’t in tune with other people’s stuff and aren’t probably as overwhelmed with their own feelings. They’re just like, okay, it might rain, it might not, I’m not so worried.
[00:01:38] Versus someone who future maps a lot. It’s like, well if it rains, we we’re looking five steps ahead. We’re looking through multiple, it’s not just, if it rains, I might get wet. It’s like, if it rains, this person might get upset and they might get a cold and they might, um, not be able to help me with something.
[00:01:55] Or they might, you know, like we’re going multiple steps in the future 'cause we’re. Generally pretty smart. And we’re also tuned into the distress that people can feel. So we’re trying to figure out how to take care of everybody around us and also take care of ourselves. Does that
[00:02:11] mm-hmm. Yeah. Well, if I’m, if I don’t have the empathy app, then uh, I’ll have to really be worried about is whether I feel good and resilient enough to deal with what’s coming.
[00:02:23] But for those of us that have empathy and perhaps had a childhood where mapping out the difficult people, dad, um, and the stressed out people, um, um, and the challenges with other people in our environment, it was savvy. It was savvy to be able to map out possibilities and. This is where the overthinker part comes in.
[00:02:55] I think for emotional freedom. It says, I’ve got a good thinker. I’ve got the empathy app. What is good and sufficient for my thriving? It’s not to be like, well, I’m not even gonna think about them. I’m not even gonna think about what might go wrong. Um, I’m not even going to, but there’s a place where, and the sweet spot for calm and confident for me is I have considered, I’ve, I’ve put an appropriate amount of energy into considering for myself.
[00:03:27] And that’s a key thing for emotional freedom. Did I consider myself too? Yeah. Um, so I’ve considered myself, I’ve considered the others. And do I feel like the map is good and sufficient enough?
[00:03:45] And one of the ways that we can tell if we haven’t landed on that consciously is, uh, that good brain will keep just going round and round. But what if, what if, what if? Or it’ll play the same scenario. And this is where we use tools like EFT, tapping, like, oh, I keep playing this scenario because why?
[00:04:11] It’s not just overthinking. It’s like I’m, if you just ask that and while you tap the points. Does that make sense, Cathy?
[00:04:21] Mm-hmm. Yeah. I think that there’s, for many of us, we are brought up with people that were low resourced around us that couldn’t handle the unexpected, and our nervous systems may have been overwhelmed.
[00:04:33] So if we couldn’t handle the unexpected or the, the extra, the, the reactions weren’t always in par with what was happening. So we learned to protect people around us and ourselves from that, the land, I call them landmines in my mom. So like we’re moving along, everything’s fine, and there’s certain things that we’ll just set.
[00:04:51] Off a much bigger reaction than one would expect. And there’s like days of cleanup sometimes. So it’s like, oh, I think in the past this has caused a big blow up, so let’s avoid that. Okay. If she gets tired, if things don’t go smoothly, like we start map, we start identifying what, where the landmines might be and trying to map around them, um, to avoid that too.
[00:05:15] So I think that that can be, there’s caring in there, but it’s also protective and it can be a lot of work 'cause we’re, our brain is going all the time. And then there we’re also trying to steer after a while. It’s not like, here are the different possible maps. I wanna be prepared for all of them. It’s like, Ooh, I know this map, following this path is gonna be a lot better.
[00:05:38] In my mind anyway. It doesn’t mean it’s true. We think it will be based on our calculations. Um, and then we’re trying to steer people into that. And that takes a wrangling people is a lot of work.
[00:05:51] Um, would you like to do a tapping on that? 'cause that just, that feels like one of the first emotional things that have we’ve, we’ve raised here is that, um, I wanna, I’m mapping this and I’m trying to guide everyone and it takes a lot of effort to, to have an idea of where we should go and where we need to go in order to be safe at,
[00:06:14] yeah.
[00:06:15] So I invite you to take a nice deep breath. And see if you could just let yourself be here. And now we’re talking about things that can be triggery for people and could be activating. So just notice if you’re safe right now, you can hear our voices. We, uh, one of the things I love is to listen to the voices.
[00:06:33] Let them vibrate along the front of your spine. Inside your body that lets you be really connected. And here and now feel your feet on the floor. You’re safe here. And we’re just gonna do, um, I would just seem, yeah, very tiring. Okay. Karate Chop:, even though I’m very smart,
[00:06:52] even though I’m very smart
[00:06:53] and I know I’m looking at more than most people do,
[00:06:57] and I know I’m looking at more than what most people do,
[00:07:00] so I’m pretty sure I’m right.
[00:07:05] So I’m pretty sure I’m right
[00:07:07] and I should steer everybody into my right path,
[00:07:10] and I should steer everyone into my right path
[00:07:12] all the time.
[00:07:14] All the time.
[00:07:15] And if they would just listen to me
[00:07:17] and if they would just listen to me,
[00:07:19] we’d all be good and safe.
[00:07:20] We’d all be good and safe and thriving.
[00:07:24] And it’s also very tiring.
[00:07:27] Oh, it’s so tiring.
[00:07:29] I’m tired of this endless loop of planning and pushing people to go where I think they should go.
[00:07:34] I’m tired of this endless planning and pushing people where they need to go.
[00:07:41] Top of that. I just want what’s, oh, what were you?
[00:07:44] No, I’m just coughing because there’s, in my.
[00:07:52] I know what’s best.
[00:07:54] I doubt they’d only listen to me
[00:07:56] if they’d only listen to me
[00:07:58] Side of the Eye:, but they don’t have my script,
[00:08:01] but they don’t have my script
[00:08:03] and the vi, and they probably might not follow it anyway,
[00:08:06] and they would not follow it anyway.
[00:08:10] And I also, as smart as I am,
[00:08:12] as smart as I am,
[00:08:14] Chin:, I can’t figure out all the permutations.
[00:08:20] I can’t figure out all the permutations
[00:08:23] probably won and I might be missing some really wondrous things.
[00:08:27] And I might be missing some really wondrous things or some really huge threats.
[00:08:34] How can I possibly relax about this?
[00:08:38] How can I possibly relax about this
[00:08:41] Top of the Head:? And I’m also really curious about finding this a little easier.
[00:08:49] I’m really curious about finding this a little easier.
[00:08:53] Just take a breath and notice what’s coming up. If you have thoughts or feelings a time this happened, you’re welcome to share them in the chat. It will give us direction for some tapping as we go forward. Um, I think one of the things about this is it can be very much fish and water kind of thing.
[00:09:11] A fish and water is always in water. It doesn’t even realize it’s in water because it’s never known anything else. And for many of us, we started this future planning as very small children, um, in response to what was going all around. And so it’s just kind of a constant thing. We may not be aware how much we’re doing it or how much energy it’s sucking up.
[00:09:32] Um, so the, if it may feel a little uncomfortable to look at that, the fish and water is like, when it realizes it’s in water, it’s like, oh, what? This is weird. Um, so our brain may be a little surprised as we’re looking at this. Um, some people will be totally, yes, of course I do this, but some people might. I was, I was like, wow, I do that way more than I thought I did.
[00:09:53] So do you find yourself doing that right?
[00:09:57] Absolutely. I, I, I consider it a superpower and like most superpowers it can get, um, way out of whack.
[00:10:08] It’s nice to take the cloak off once in a while and hang it up, you know, the cape, the super cape.
[00:10:13] Yeah. But there’s a default future planning.
[00:10:19] Mm-hmm.
[00:10:20] Which kicks in to, to kind of be that protective part.
[00:10:28] And if I, um, if I’m overthinking, usually I’m ruminating on the, the negative things that could go wrong, the challenges and things like that. And one of, one of the things I notice is that if I include some thriving possibilities in my map, well then I’m using other parts of me. The creative part of me, the inspired or hopeful or naive, you know, like my innocent part of me wants things to work out and I think that and and even sort of can walk in the world just, oh, things work out for me.
[00:11:11] I feel very young and precious and I’ll even say beautiful when I’m in that look, things work out. Yeah, they work out. And sometimes, you know, it’s not what we want, but it still works out. Right. And the future mapping part of me is like, well wait a minute, what if they go to the party and there’s a meltdown on the way home in the garage?
[00:11:38] And you were just kind of hoping that everybody just had a great birthday party tonight. Right. My family’s going off to a birthday party, so. Like the future mapping part of me, the, the protect myself doesn’t want to be attuned to the joys that are gonna happen. Does that make sense? And if I am in that mode, my primitive reign will keep, keep mapping and mapping and mapping and kind of recalibrating myself versus, well, you know, I’ve handled disappointments before mm-hmm.
[00:12:11] On my map, and those show up pretty clearly. You know, the noises, the energy, the attitudes when they show up. Mm-hmm. And, you know, I wanna hold, I also wanna hold on my map, the possibility for connection and, and deepening of, of, um, kinship with people at, for the kids. And, and, um, my partner at the party, when I do that, it, it moves from overthinking zone into something else and.
[00:12:47] Uh, I like one of the things I wanna emphasize that you’re talking about, you’re, one of the things I hear you saying is you want to be able to include the positive consciously I. And I think when something’s really important to us or we have, or feeling limited resources, there’s kind of a subconscious promise if we do a lot of this work, that some things will, if you, if you find yourself very disappointed when things don’t work out well, when you’ve like, kind of surprisingly disappointed or kind of angry or upset when things don’t work out well, when you future plan, there’s probably a, like a subconscious promise.
[00:13:20] And we do this to ourselves. The humans do this all the time. If I just work really hard at this, then it’s going to come out fine. I can worry a lot and I’ll get this reward of a good thing. And then when it doesn’t happen, there’s just a kind of a blow up. I’d love to do a little, do you wanna leave that, that,
[00:13:36] as someone said, I, I done lots, tons of future planning, uh, in order to be safe and avoid getting into trouble, avoid shame, hide mistakes, and the mark of success was relief.
[00:13:47] And that, that sort of like, and what’s the mark of, of like, ah. The other side that you just touched on was, if I don’t get the relief, I get something else, which is like, that shock. The shock that goes, wait a minute, I did all this future planning. I didn’t get the relief of it going acceptably. Well, um, I’m getting this shock with all of that.
[00:14:14] And that that shock can lead to that reaction of next time I’m gonna gonna work to control it and think about it and plan even harder. Even harder.
[00:14:25] Yeah. There’s kinda a magical thinking. 'cause often we form these patterns when we were very young. Yeah. When we had little children. Have magical thinking.
[00:14:32] Often if I’m very good, I see that
[00:14:34] happens when I, when I, when I’m trying to get everything together for a trip and you know, if I, uh. If it goes pretty smoothly getting out the door, there’s a sense of relief. Like, okay, I, I, I, all that planning, thinking, uh, was very stressful. Uh, and if it doesn’t work, there’s that, ah, I need to be better prepared next time.
[00:15:00] Which is not actually a true reaction when you’re dealing with a bunch of other humans,
[00:15:05] especially small children.
[00:15:07] Yeah. 'cause I can’t actually point to anyone else that would say, well, you need to be better. You need to plan better. You know?
[00:15:16] Can we do,
[00:15:18] yeah, please do.
[00:15:19] Karate Chop:. Even though I’m putting all this effort in,
[00:15:23] even though I’m putting extraordinary effort in,
[00:15:26] I’m paying the penalty ahead of time.
[00:15:29] I am paying the penalty ahead of time.
[00:15:31] The tariff has already been paid.
[00:15:33] The tariff has been paid again and again and again,
[00:15:37] and my, my neurons are tired.
[00:15:39] My neurons are tired.
[00:15:42] It should come out all right now.
[00:15:44] It should come out all right. Now.
[00:15:46] I’ve paid the price. I,
[00:15:50] well, it lands somewhere. I have paid the price.
[00:15:54] But have I really?
[00:15:57] But have I really
[00:16:00] just Top of the Head:? I thought I negotiated with the universe.
[00:16:05] I thought I negotiated with the universe.
[00:16:07] I brow, if I really worry about this a lot,
[00:16:10] if I really worry about this a lot
[00:16:14] Side of the Eye: and have my agony ahead of time with worry
[00:16:17] and have my agony ahead of time with worry
[00:16:20] Under the Eye:, it will turn out fine.
[00:16:25] Supposed to turn out fine
[00:16:27] Under the Nose:, and I’m unbearably disappointed when it doesn’t
[00:16:31] and I’m unbearably disappointed when it doesn’t.
[00:16:34] Jen, I kind of lose some of my anchor.
[00:16:37] I lose some of my anchor
[00:16:39] color one, and that doesn’t help anything
[00:16:42] and that has never helped anything
[00:16:45] Under the Arm:. I have this story in my head that I can prepay for anything to work out, right?
[00:16:54] I have the story in my head that I can prepay for things to work out, right if I just,
[00:17:01] but that’s not always how things work.
[00:17:03] That is. Not actually how things work,
[00:17:07] and I’m wondering if I can find a better way forward.
[00:17:10] I wonder if I can find a better balance forward.
[00:17:13] Yeah. Nice deep breath.
[00:17:16] And just for people that are new to tapping, um, what Cathy says is great.
[00:17:20] That may be exactly the right words for you. I, we try to model with each other, um, a recognition and if a word come, a replacement word comes up strongly for me. I want you to feel also the freedom to change it for you too, while you’re tapping along. Uh, either live with us or the recording. Um, yeah, that’s part of the, the freedom.
[00:17:46] Emotional freedom work. So go ahead Cathy.
[00:17:50] Yeah. Um, and I love someone said here that they feel like everything is their fault. They’re trying to avoid being at fault for other people’s pain and my own. And I think I just, that’s really important. I’d love, do you wanna do some tapping or should I lead something on that?
[00:18:10] Yeah, let me tune in something here. Um,
[00:18:15] because when we’re carrying the guilt and the blame for other people, we can’t find a balanced way forward. I am not responsible for my mother’s meltdowns, even though she would like sometimes for me to think so. And I was often blamed as a kid for things going wrong, but as long as I’m responsible for their feelings, I can never find the balance.
[00:18:34] It’s not, I’m not responsible. It’s their feelings. They get to have 'em. We have to have that clarity before we can really have clarity. We can find a better way forward.
[00:18:45] Even though it must be my fault,
[00:18:47] even though it must be my fault
[00:18:49] because it didn’t work out like I planned
[00:18:51] because it didn’t work out how I planned.
[00:18:55] What if that doesn’t apply to so many things?
[00:18:58] What if that doesn’t apply to so many things?
[00:19:01] Top of the Head:?
[00:19:05] If I forget the bags on the way to the airport,
[00:19:08] if I forget the bags on the way to the airport,
[00:19:11] and it was my responsibility,
[00:19:13] and it was my responsibility,
[00:19:16] or I assign that to my 2-year-old
[00:19:18] or assign to my two.
[00:19:22] I’m at fault.
[00:19:23] I’m at fault.
[00:19:25] And I accept the pain.
[00:19:27] And I accept the pain.
[00:19:29] Eyebrow:. But what about their moods?
[00:19:32] But what about their moods
[00:19:34] Side of the Eye:? What about their attitudes?
[00:19:37] What about their attitudes
[00:19:38] Side of the Eye:? What about things that they say no to?
[00:19:41] What about the things they say no to
[00:19:43] Under the Nose:? What are the thi? What about if things are tiring?
[00:19:47] What if thing? If things are tiring
[00:19:49] and then the weather sucks
[00:19:51] and the weather sucks,
[00:19:52] call on.
[00:19:53] Am I at fault for that too?
[00:19:55] Am I at fault for that too?
[00:19:58] Under the Arm:, I’m starting to feel how useless that is.
[00:20:02] I’m starting to feel how useless that is
[00:20:05] Top of the Head:. What if I don’t need to assign fault?
[00:20:09] What if I don’t need to assign fault?
[00:20:14] And it may go a little deeper than that too, because for a lot of us, if we are. I think a lot of people that come here are very intelligent, very creative, and very empathetic. And in any given family, there’s often the black sheep or the person that’s assigned blame, that’s just a family systems. I talk about that all the time.
[00:20:32] There’s usually one person that becomes the problem child or the problem person, um, in, in non, in healthy families that’s recognized and they kind of work against that. But for families that have some reactivity and low resources, that tends to happen and it tends to be assigned to the person that can, the empathetic, creative, intelligent person that can kind of absorb the blame.
[00:20:56] So I would imagine that there’s a number of us here that were brought up from very young childhood being taught that if something happened that if the dynamics were off in the family, it was our fault. Yeah. And so we’re kind of conditioned into that and we’re trying to not feel that way again. So we’re trying to solve problems that haven’t happened yet so that we don’t.
[00:21:16] You know, like if the family’s all happy, they’re not assigning blame to anyone. Versus in healthy, healthy families, people that have the capacity to deal with their own feelings, like, wow, I am disappointed, I am feeling things and I can take responsibility for my own feelings in families that have more toxicity, less resilience.
[00:21:36] Yeah. If I can’t feel it, I have to sign it to someone else. I have to find someplace else to give it because I can’t handle it myself. So many of us were dumped on from, from young childhood with this being, okay, this everything. I
[00:21:51] would say that this is almost universal.
[00:21:54] Yeah.
[00:21:55] Um, you know, uh, being a parent, um, there are things that are just really hard for me to deal with at certain times.
[00:22:06] And if I were a child feeling my energy, a child who’s disappointed or pressing for something that’s a no. Right. There’s an energy there that my nervous system goes, well, I’m at fault here for, I am actively triggering this adult into a state that if I wasn’t disappointed in crying on the floor, if I wasn’t like getting in their face or is it time to leave?
[00:22:36] Is it time to leave? Is it time to leave? Then they wouldn’t be frustrated and overwhelmed and, and walk away from me. So I do think that there’s this quality for empathetic people. Like, yeah, is there an upgrade here? But fault is a crudeness. Right? It’s your fault there. It’s a crudeness. And I believe that in, um, in emotional work, like what we’re doing here, there’s an opportunity for an upgrade.
[00:23:07] Mm-hmm. Like, oh, there, yeah. Even though I was convinced it was my fault,
[00:23:16] even though I was convinced it was my fault,
[00:23:19] that’s a rather crude place for it to land.
[00:23:22] That’s a rather crude place for it to land,
[00:23:24] and I’ve got other ways of seeing it now,
[00:23:27] and I do have other ways of seeing it now.
[00:23:30] I’m not four years old.
[00:23:31] I’m not four years old,
[00:23:33] Eyebrow:. I’m not even 14 years old,
[00:23:36] not even 14 years old.
[00:23:39] It’s crude to say it’s your fault,
[00:23:41] it’s crude to say it’s your fault.
[00:23:43] Under the Eye:, it’s definitely crude. For me to take it on as my fault all the time.
[00:23:49] It’s definitely crude. For me to take it on is my fault all the time.
[00:23:52] I need a refined viewpoint.
[00:23:55] I need a refined viewpoint.
[00:23:58] Jen,
[00:24:02] if other people are involved, it’s being at fault is too crude.
[00:24:08] If other people are involved, being at fault is too crude.
[00:24:17] I wanna embrace the dance of energies.
[00:24:20] I wanna embrace the dance of energies.
[00:24:23] And sometimes foot get, feet get stepped on,
[00:24:25] and sometimes feet get stepped on.
[00:24:28] It’s part of it.
[00:24:29] It’s part of it.
[00:24:34] I am ready to be. I would like to be done being so hard on myself,
[00:24:37] like to be done, being so hard on myself
[00:24:41] and, and upgrade my viewpoint.
[00:24:43] And upgrade my viewpoint.
[00:24:48] Well, whose fault is it? Is binary. If we’re in our binary, we’re in our primitive brain. Okay? And if you were raised in an environment which was primitive brain, you’re, you’re at fault. It’s your fault. It’s your fault. It’s my fault. Oh, it must be my fault. It must be my fault. 'cause it’s all getting directed.
[00:25:11] Um, and you know, the truth of the matter is that if I tell someone, Hey, that’s hot, and they go, oh, really? And they touch it to check and they burn their fingers in a very crude way, I could say, buddy, that’s your fault. And it gets through to the perimeter brain, Hey, that’s your fault. But if somebody is loud and enthusiastic about, um, like making pancakes and they’re dancing around the kitchen and it’s just way too much enthusiasm, is it their fault that they’re enthusiastic about the pancakes?
[00:25:55] Is it my fault that I’m a little grumpy right now and it’s too much noise and energy for me while I’m trying to make pancakes? Okay, who’s at fault? Now you, we could all use our fault finders and pick well Rick’s at fault 'cause he is grumpy and the kids are excited. Right. Because we wanna encourage people to be excited.
[00:26:15] All right, well the kids are at fault because Rick has audio sensitivity and they know it and they know that in the kitchen he needs a little bit more focus 'cause he is working with burning waffle irons and you know, hot stove and stuff like that. And uh, if they’re making noise to distract him, it would be their fault because they distracted him from cooking.
[00:26:36] See, it’s crude. Yeah. Right. Well, I think
[00:26:39] underlying that is something even more profound is that I think there’s the underlying thought that everybody is supposed to feel good all the time. I think the Buddhist part of it is like we get to feel good and bad and it’s all okay. There’s not a should. One of the, again, I think I’ve shared this before, one of my most profound things I’ve heard recently is someone I really respect is like, connection isn’t supposed to feel good or bad, it’s just connection.
[00:27:07] And I was like, no, it must feel good all the time. Like it can, and no, it doesn’t have to. Connection is connection. We don’t have to feel a certain way. And I think there’s an expectation, we’re kind of brought up many of us with the concept that we are supposed to make everybody feel good and everyone’s supposed to feel good.
[00:27:24] And if they feel bad, if there’s any kind of, anything below a little bit of boredom, there’s something significantly wrong. And we failed as a person. And you know, our, our very nature of our being is in question versus life. You know, I, again, Buddhist like it gets, it is what it is. I feel what I’m feeling, so Karate, Chop:, even though I have this belief that everything is supposed to be okay,
[00:27:51] even though I have this belief that everything is supposed to be okay and they act, that’s you need to walk in eggshells.
[00:27:57] Yeah, I need to walk in eggshells. And they believe that everything is supposed to be okay
[00:28:03] and they believe that everything is supposed to be okay,
[00:28:05] or it’s probably my fault,
[00:28:07] or it’s probably my fault.
[00:28:10] No wonder I walk on eggshells.
[00:28:12] No wonder I walk on eggshells.
[00:28:14] No wonder I try so hard.
[00:28:19] No wonder I try so hard.
[00:28:21] Top of the Head: things do not all have to be happy and good.
[00:28:25] Things are not all happy and good.
[00:28:28] I’m proud. I think they’re supposed to be
[00:28:31] part of me. Thinks they’re supposed to be.
[00:28:33] Sorry. Did I What if they just are,
[00:28:36] what if they just are
[00:28:38] under the, that doesn’t mean I can’t plan a bit ahead.
[00:28:42] Definitely doesn’t mean I can’t plan a bit ahead
[00:28:45] Under the Nose:, I don’t leave a pile of matches with a little child.
[00:28:48] No, I don’t leave a pile of matches with a little child
[00:28:52] Chin:. But if it rains when we’re on an outing,
[00:28:55] but if it rains when we’re on an outing,
[00:28:58] Collarbone: and I didn’t plan well enough
[00:29:01] and I didn’t plan well enough
[00:29:03] Under the Arm:, everybody gets a little wet.
[00:29:06] Everyone gets a little wet
[00:29:08] Top of the Head:. It might even, I’m
[00:29:09] grumpy.
[00:29:10] Sure. Well, they might. It might even be. It might.
[00:29:13] And they might get That’s right. They might get grumpy. They might get playful.
[00:29:17] Yeah. What if I just let some things be what they are?
[00:29:22] What if I just let some things be as they are?
[00:29:26] Just take a breath and see if you, how that fits for you.
[00:29:29] Because the more, the more resistance. Like I notice when I’m really tired or I have a lot of pressure or things that are really important, I’m more, I hold onto that. Things should be good more, but I have a much better time when I’m just with what is and trust myself to handle the whatever’s coming up.
[00:29:48] Like I contend to myself here and now I can, I can again, oh, let’s not leave a pile of newspaper and matches with the 4-year-old. Probably not a good idea. It looks like it’s gonna rain. I can throw an umbrella in the car if I want to, but if I don’t, life is still gonna be okay. Unless I’m going out with someone who has pneumonia, in which case it looks like it’s gonna rain.
[00:30:07] Let’s not go out. But when we can ride what’s actually happening and not. Sometimes I notice myself getting very tight when things are going bad. Like I wanna steer away from the, the bad stuff. I, you know, I, I don’t want any of the stuff that’s down here. I just want the stuff that’s up here. I’m not really being with what life is.
[00:30:27] I’m not being with reality. And if when I can just breathe and go, oh, this doesn’t feel so good, but you know, I can just feel this feeling and do some tapping or some breathing or some meditation and I’m gonna be okay. When we resist part of the experience, we’re really trying to tighten and steer a lot.
[00:30:47] And that can cause so much anxiety. 'cause part of our brain is saying, Hey, if I’m feeling these negative feelings, there’s something wrong with me. I did something wrong. I’m at fault, as opposed to, and that makes it so much harder just to be with the feelings that are happening. The feelings are probably not as bad as all the things we’re telling ourselves about them.
[00:31:07] This is one of the reasons I got into using EFT, tapping. For those of you that might be new to tapping, um, there’s a quality of stating something that is true for us and a future scenario that is terrifying, that we’re aware of could possibly happen. That’s, that’s a reality. It’s in our imagination. It hasn’t manifest and probably won’t.
[00:31:36] We have lots of different scenarios. Many of them can’t manifest at the same time. Um,
[00:31:43] so we can fear them all at the same time. We
[00:31:45] can fear them all at once, right? So tapping says, even though I have this imagining that do.dot and where do you wanna put your energy? I. Since we’re talking about overthinking, and I could worry about that between now and the time when the event is over, um, I’ve decided to what be ridiculously calm and confident right here, right now.
[00:32:17] Mm-hmm. And what does that do? It’s a quality of accepting a reality, including the reality of somebody who has empathy, is, has a connection that maybe doesn’t feel like everything’s wonderful for that person, um, or those people in their relationship. Um, that that’s a reality and it gives the energy a direction.
[00:32:42] How is that useful? Because we’re energetic beings, and if I’m overthinking, the energy is mostly not in my core strength, as Cathy said, that front of the spine, um, the wisdom of our lower body that has, which actually can discern is this an immediate threat to our survival in the next three minutes, actually not Then why activate our survival brain and keep it buzzing for something that isn’t, that our lower body knows that our brain is, is in the imagining, in the story.
[00:33:23] Yeah. Right. And so that’s where we’re using these access points, these natural comfort points on the body and some intention. And if you find that you’re not getting, um, movement. Use a little more of your qi, your life force to put it into boosting your intention. Now what your intention, how you wanna be the I’ve decided to, or I am actively opening myself to letting go of being at fault.
[00:34:03] I’ve decided that fault is just too crude for who I am and how I know life at this point. Notice how if you put some energy into that, and it was, it was Carol look, that, that introduced me to kind of a sequence of how much q like, well, I’m open to the possibility that says I’m going to like, look at the door.
[00:34:25] Maybe I’m not. I’m open to the possibility I’m not at fault. Uh, if things don’t go perfectly. Um, or I want, I want to be open. I want to realize. That we’re co-creating. Mm-hmm. I intend, I intend to let go of fault finding as my pattern. My, and to shift quickly into a more, um, wise way of seeing relations.
[00:34:54] You notice, like, I want, I’m, I’m activating, I’m, I’m, I’m choosing, like choosing there was a like, like I, I’m, I’ve chosen, I’m choosing, I’ve chosen to let go of fault finding as my way, uh, of, or avoiding being at fault as my way of planning my life, my thriving life. Notice, choose I’ve, I’ve, this is my choice.
[00:35:20] And then if you have chosen and you’ve done maybe some tapping around choosing, you can say, and I’ve decided, I’ve decided, I’ve decided and am actively practicing. Yeah. Letting go of avoiding fault. As my way of crafting my thriving life.
[00:35:39] Can I say it a little bit different way? 'cause I think what you’re saying is really important and I wanna make sure it anchors and you can see if you like how I say it.
[00:35:46] I think of respons. Everyone has responsibilities at some levels. Adera as a 4-year-old, still has responsibility to have, she has her feelings and she’s learning how to tend to herself. And the people around her get to help. But she’s still, she’s the one who has to feel, have her feelings. But I think for many of us, it’s like nobody in the family liked broccoli and they were always dumping it on your plate, but kind of blaming you for not already taking the broccoli.
[00:36:13] So now when you go to a dinner party, you see broccoli in people’s plates and you’re like scooping it onto your plate really quickly so that you don’t get blamed. And it’s like, you should have taken care of this. Why are you not doing it? It’s like, Nope, I’ve got it all. I’ve got all the responsibility for everything right now.
[00:36:26] It’s all the broccoli’s on my plate. Don’t, you don’t have to eat it. But that’s not healthy for them or for you. That much broccoli is gonna give you a stomach ache, and they’re not getting any fiber or vitamins. So it’s really helpful to go, okay, this is your broccoli and this is your broccoli, and this is like distributing the responsibility back to the people.
[00:36:45] My mom gets very upset. I love her very much. She’s, you know, she’s dealing with a lot, but she can sometimes dump, like, there’s sometimes a feeling like, you’re supposed to make sure I don’t feel this way, or You’re supposed to take care of me when I feel this way. And I can choose to be there for her or not, but I, I don’t have to be responsible for what she’s feeling.
[00:37:04] And there’s a difference in that feeling like I can be there to support or I can be there taking the fault and the responsibility, which feels very heavy and doesn’t actually let her. Take your own responsibility and figure out different options, if that makes sense. So if you notice yourself kinda scooping all the broccoli on your plate, just a, a meditation tapping, just being still with yourself or journaling going, is this really my broccoli?
[00:37:29] And who needs to eat this broccoli for their own good? Because when people have to face their own responsibilities, sometimes they grow in ways we wouldn’t think they would. Um, if we’re always eating their broccoli, they’re never gonna learn how to like broccoli and they’re never gonna get the vitamins they need from it.
[00:37:45] And there are, there can be really profound wisdom and insights that come up when we face our discomfort.
[00:37:53] How does this, um, tie in for you in future mapping? Is that part of,
[00:37:58] I think to me it is because one of the reasons I think we frantically future map is we’re trying to, we’re trying to fix it for everybody.
[00:38:07] Ah. People with empathy are like, I’m going to fix it for, I don’t wanna feel other people’s distress. I want them to feel good. So I’m gonna try to plan out for everybody and know all the responsibilities on me to figure out the best path. And then wrangle you all to take that path. And when you don’t take that path, I feel bad.
[00:38:27] And you, they feel frustrated 'cause they’re being wrangled. People don’t like it very much.
[00:38:32] And it guarantees overthinking because something that’s that important to us, we’re going to put all of our resources toward including, you know, activating our anxiety. Um, well that’s, we’re energy from our anxiety,
[00:38:44] the future.
[00:38:45] Yeah. And taking energy from our gut. So our gut starts feeling not only not listened to, uh, but also doesn’t get to digest. Our sleep will be interfered with, um, because this is. Mapping it out for everyone so that it, I fix it in advance for everyone in all scenarios. Um, yeah. Good luck. Mm-hmm. Um,
[00:39:13] yeah. If I, if I’m, if I’m taking out responsibility, I have to bring enough umbrellas for everyone.
[00:39:17] If it might rain or, and have backup plans that I think will meet everybody’s needs and make them all happy and figure out how to get there and make sure I have enough money for it and snacks packed, it’s all on me, versus, hey, it looks like it might rain. Do you, you know, what are some ideas people have that’s sharing the responsibility?
[00:39:36] There’s nothing wrong with pointing out. I think this could be a concern, but it’s not all if, if when we scoop all the broccoli, that’s a lot of work.
[00:39:44] Mm-hmm. Even though it’s a lot of work,
[00:39:46] even though it’s a lot of work
[00:39:48] to fix it for everyone,
[00:39:49] to fix it for everyone
[00:39:52] in advance,
[00:39:53] in advance,
[00:39:54] and for all the scenarios I can imagine,
[00:39:57] and for all the scenarios I can imagine,
[00:39:59] and I’m so imaginative
[00:40:01] and I’m so imaginative,
[00:40:03] no wonder I get stuck in overthinking.
[00:40:06] No wonder I get stuck in overthinking
[00:40:11] and I am actively looking at this pattern right now.
[00:40:14] I’m actively looking at this pattern right now.
[00:40:17] Top of the Head:. All you need to fix it for everyone.
[00:40:20] I need to fix it for everyone,
[00:40:23] everywhere.
[00:40:24] Everywhere,
[00:40:25] for anything that could happen. For
[00:40:27] anything that could happen.
[00:40:28] Eyebrow:, if I heard somebody else say that,
[00:40:31] if I heard someone else say that
[00:40:33] outta the eye, I would giggle at their ridiculousness.
[00:40:36] I would giggle at their ridiculousness
[00:40:38] Under the Eye:. Maybe it’s time for me to giggle at my ridiculousness.
[00:40:42] Maybe it’s time for me to giggle at my ridiculousness.
[00:40:44] Oh, sweetheart.
[00:40:45] Oh, sweetheart,
[00:40:47] what a what A thoughtful thing.
[00:40:49] What a thoughtful thing.
[00:40:51] And you want everyone to be happy.
[00:40:53] You want everyone to be happy.
[00:40:55] Although you want no one to suffer.
[00:40:57] You want no one to suffer
[00:40:58] and never have any distress,
[00:41:00] and never have any distress,
[00:41:02] and not even have a raindrop hit their head ever.
[00:41:05] And not even have a raindrop hit their head ever.
[00:41:09] Aw, Aw, what a sweet, what a sweet and silly notion.
[00:41:14] What a sweet and silly notion.
[00:41:16] And I’m not killing that part of me,
[00:41:18] and I’m not killing that part of me.
[00:41:20] I’m just bringing them into a little more savvy.
[00:41:24] I’m just bringing them into a little more Savvy and balanced.
[00:41:27] Yeah, savvy and balanced. Thoughtful overthinking. Can we feel it like, oh, I was thoughtful. Yeah. I, somebody said it might rain and I, I know my, my friend just can’t stand getting wet, you know?
[00:41:45] Just can’t stand it. I don’t mind it so much, but I threw an umbrella into my bag. I didn’t even mention anything. That’s thoughtful overthinking. We can all fantasize about scenarios where rain goes really wrong for your friend, which really makes it go really wrong for you too. And, um. And this is, this is part of that, um, the middle way of Buddhism, uh, and a lot of spiritual practices is to find that sweet spot where we acknowledge, you know, if I didn’t have empathy, this wouldn’t even be a question if I wasn’t imaginative.
[00:42:33] Right. I, uh, I’ve noticed some people are incredibly imaginative about what could go wrong and some people are definitely not. What, what do you mean I could hit the rocks? Jumping off this cliff. Well, have you, have you checked what’s in the water? No. Have, have you checked the wind? No. Have you at least tossed a rock off and see whether.
[00:43:07] Lands on the rocks or lands in the water. No. So, and those are just the first three imaginings that I can come up with about what could go wrong for him, jumping off the cliff into that unknown body of water. Okay. This is a real thing, by the way. I didn’t actually articulate this, but I saw a young man climbing up on a thing and jumping off into a, a rather, uh, not deep enough looking creek.
[00:43:41] Um, anyway, so if we are gifted with those things, where’s our sweet spot? And there are things, as we’ve touched on trauma. How we were raised, if we were treated as being to blame and we want to avoid that, treating it being at fault. Um, oh, my sister dysregulated, so I clearly am at fault. The, she smelled a pizza on the wind and freaked out.
[00:44:12] 'cause she has a thing about the smell of pizza that is not you, you can’t stop the wind. I know, but I’m the one who took her to the playground. Do you see? Right. Like there is a, an overthinking. And even just by acknowledging a few of those from our past, there’s a tapping technique where we go back and we imagine ourselves really being blamed for something that wasn’t, wasn’t actually our fault.
[00:44:40] I mean, it’s, it’s not, uh, I told you not to touch the hot stove, um, and you did. Um, it’s not like that. We tap on those, it can free up energy and actively seeking. Where’s my sweet spot for me? Have I looked at the sit? Have I looked at the situation without, from an aspect of what’s safe and good, safe and good?
[00:45:11] Notice how I combine those two safe and good, but without it being from my primitive brain, my perimeter brain only sees threats. That’s its purpose. There’s a kind of intensity about it, whether if I’m going to a party or whether, you know, threats to people’s emotion, threats to, to people’s, um, sense of themselves, their self-esteem, all of those things, my perimeter brain can pick up on a thousand things.
[00:45:37] Well, I think the future mapping relies pretty heavily on our fear factor, our primitive brain, and it can eliminate like some of the best adventures I’ve ever had where, where we ran into an unexpected situation and together. Me and the other people came up with a creative solution that none of us would’ve come up with ourselves necessarily.
[00:45:56] And even if it didn’t work out perfectly, it’s something we look back on and laugh together about. It bonded us, but when we’re really like focused on the negative scenarios and we’re trying, we kind of get locked into that rut. We’re not gonna necessarily see some of those other possibilities. Oh, we’re stuck here in the park and it’s pouring rain and you know, oh, how, what are we gonna do?
[00:46:17] Versus, oh, there’s a hot air balloon over there. Maybe we can jump in that and fly someplace above the clouds. Or like, you know, something weird that we wouldn’t have thought of if we’re like, what are we going to do with that kind of white knuckling feeling?
[00:46:28] Even though I’m definitely gonna imagine the threats,
[00:46:32] even though I’m gonna definitely imagine the threats,
[00:46:35] just mapping out the key ones is good enough.
[00:46:38] Just mapping out the key ones is good enough,
[00:46:43] and I want to, I wanna look for things that are safe and good.
[00:46:46] I wanna look for things that are safe and good.
[00:46:51] Imagining without being attached to outcomes.
[00:46:53] Imagining without becoming attached to outcomes,
[00:46:57] Top of the Head:. This could be really fun.
[00:47:00] This could be really fun.
[00:47:01] I’ll,
[00:47:02] I wonder what ways It could be fun.
[00:47:04] I wonder what ways it could be fun.
[00:47:06] It’s Side of the Eye: and it might rain.
[00:47:09] And it might rain,
[00:47:10] and I like dancing. It rain. Yeah. And it might not work out great.
[00:47:16] It might not work out great.
[00:47:18] I’m not at fault. If it doesn’t work out great.
[00:47:21] I’m not at fault for the rain.
[00:47:22] And if it doesn’t work out great
[00:47:24] Chin:, I’m letting go of that interpretation.
[00:47:30] I’m letting go of that interpretation.
[00:47:32] I choose to let go of that in that crude interpretation. I
[00:47:36] choose to let go of that crude interpretation.
[00:47:41] There’s more to it than that and I know it.
[00:47:43] There’s more to it than that, and I know it.
[00:47:45] I can imagine other things that are involved.
[00:47:48] I can imagine other things are involved
[00:47:51] and some of it just is.
[00:47:53] Some of it just is. I love that just, just, just as the Buddhist saying, just this, however it is right now, just this is how it should be. Um, that’s really when I can remember that it’s very helpful.
[00:48:10] And there’s some things I’m just like, I don’t wanna be just this, I don’t like this, I don’t want it. I do a little tapping, like, okay, I don’t really like it, but it’s, it is in the moment what it is. And I think there’s so much power when we can put our feet on bedrock by accepting just where we are, um, in the moment.
[00:48:28] So let,
[00:48:29] let’s, um, let’s take a seven minute break here. Um, we’ve, we’ve been going at this and I, I think that this is where we start coming back to like just this or this, this just is, I’m talking more about also energetically can be, and this too shall pass. Mm-hmm. And it’s okay for me to, um, be attuned to the possibilities.
[00:48:54] Yeah, I think we should do some tapping on the anxiety it can create. 'cause I know for a lot of people that’s a big part of our lives. Yeah. Running on anxiety,
[00:49:02] uh, the chat will be open during the break if there’s something that’s come to you that you’d like to make sure that we cover in the last, uh, part of the workshop.
[00:49:10] Um, so, and if you’re on the recording, hi. Thanks. Glad you’re here. Uh, we encourage you to take a break 'cause that gives your body a chance to integrate and to get some next level clarity for yourself as well.
[00:49:24] Okay. See you in a couple minutes.
[00:49:26] Be back at seven.
[00:49:29] Welcome back. I wanna put a pitch in for us over Thinkers. Um, we’ve mentioned tapping. It is a tool that we use. And one of the things, if you’re thinking about something and you just. Speak out loud what you’re thinking, um, and you’re tapping the points, something is going to happen. You are now moving your energy not in the narrow band of just thinking, you’re thinking with movement.
[00:50:02] Um, if I look at almost every wise person I have learned from in my life, they also say things like, you know, if you go for a walk, it’ll feel different afterwards. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Right? If, if you have something that you’re processing and there’s a lot of thought involved walking a thousand steps, if you’re physically capable of that, or even just getting up and swaying from side to side and moving your body in ways that aren’t habitually part of how you think in here will change the energy of it.
[00:50:44] When we look at emotional freedom, emotions is energy in motion. And if we’re feeling anxious, that’s an energy state. And if you move your energy, change your body posture, you may feel anxious still, but you’re bringing other aspects of you online. Uh, we have good thinkers, uh, and they’re not all of the intelligence in our body.
[00:51:14] We have intelligence in our bones and in our blood. We have it in our gut, our groin, our knower, wherever that is for you. And certainly in our heart and in our voice, sometimes just hearing. And that’s I think part of the magic of tapping is that we get to hear some of the raw. Things, especially as you’ve noticed, and I I talked touched on this as you’re tapping along, what words come out of your mouth that change what we’re saying?
[00:51:44] What words do you speak that we’re offering that are like, oh, that brings tears to my eyes. That is a reflection of the energy and we’re moving with it. We’re getting the energy moving. Anything over? Um, like overthinking is by definition you’re putting more of your life’s energy there when it could go and there’s an intelligence to it being flowing elsewhere in your body, to balance, to nourish, to activate, to listen.
[00:52:21] Well, I think when we’re breathing or noticing our breath or we’re moving or we’re tapping, we’re inviting our, our system to come back to here and now. And one of the reasons that overthinking is so complex is because we’re thinking about, okay, in the past this happened and I’m interpolating out to the future, and then I’m in the future wondering if this and this, there’s not very much of me here and now, and anxiety is about like wondering about the future.
[00:52:47] How is it gonna go, how I’m gonna handle it? And I don’t know how I’m gonna handle it. There’s no way. My brain is my, I have a pretty good brain, but there’s no way I can figure out all the possible permutations of how I’m gonna feel on a given day, how everybody else is gonna interact, how the situation is gonna come out.
[00:53:05] And my brain gets really squirrely trying to figure that out versus how can I be resilient here and now? Can I be here with myself in this moment? Feeling the feelings that I’m feeling and learning to tolerate and to be okay with all the different feelings that come through. Um, and I think just to put a plug in for next week’s, or the next week or the week afters call.
[00:53:27] Um,
[00:53:27] two
[00:53:28] weeks. No two weeks. Um. We’re gonna be talking about holding both good and bad at the same time, which is, I think for many of us, it’s very much like, Nope, we’re just gonna hold onto the good, really tight and we’re gonna ignore the bad. Or if we’re feeling bad, we can’t allow any good. Um, but if I can learn to just be here with myself, and I just invite you to do that, if you, if you feel drawn to just, just take a breath and notice the breath coming into your body.
[00:53:55] Imagine breathing to your toes, letting it out, and just notice what you’re feeling right here and now and see if it’s okay just to feel what you’re feeling. If you’re here and upright and not drooling on yourself, you’re probably handling the feeling, okay. We’re teaching ourselves to trust our own resiliency, our own ability to feel what’s there.
[00:54:18] And that’s very powerful. The more I practice that in different situations, the more likely I am to handle the situation that goes fubar. Pretty well. 'cause there will be certain as soon as the Go Fu bar, but I’m Oh, okay. In the past I’ve been with myself through that fu bar, different fu bars, and I’ve been, okay, so now I’m not panicking and now I have more ability to see different situations and different options and to take care of myself and anyone else who might need it.
[00:54:46] Mm-hmm.
[00:54:47] You, uh, you wrote about, um, letting go of the River’s Reigns. Do you wanna touch on that? 'cause I, I’m intrigued by what you’re.
[00:54:57] Part of that’s the steering. Everybody else but steering, trying to steer not just other people, but the events that are going on,
[00:55:04] like swimming upstream.
[00:55:06] Yeah. So I’m gonna, if I’m trying to hold on tight and kind of steer life, and I think that especially as small children, we learn that we want that and that magical thinking.
[00:55:17] It’s very hard to let go of, we’re kind of taught in our society, if you just work hard, you’re determined, you push through, you’ll make what? You know, we will not accept defeat. We’ll make it what we want. We will wrench life into the path we want. And that’s a lot of fucking work. And life doesn’t actually do that.
[00:55:36] Like, I’m sorry, I, I’ve taken all the self-help classes that are out there where you just like landmark. You just will it to be the way you want it to be. And I’m like, I wore myself out doing that stuff and it wasn’t, I wasn’t really with what was happening in the world. So when we’re trying to steer really hard, we’re trying to make, you know, life is flowing like a river.
[00:55:57] And we don’t know, like what’s around the next corner. We don’t know if there’s rock, you know, a waterfall or a beautiful still lake or with willows over it, or you know, we’re going down the mountain side over over rocks. We don’t really know what’s there. Um, and when we’re trying to steer and make it a certain way, it’s, it’s a lot of effort with very little outcome.
[00:56:18] Often that’s not to say we can’t plan and like, oh, maybe I can learn this skill so I can handle this better. Maybe I notice that I’m lacking this resiliency. How can I get more of that? You know, the canoe I’m in is leaking. Let me pull over to the side and patch it. Those are all fine. Those are things I’m responsible for and can take care of.
[00:56:38] But when I am into, like, I’m going to make the waterfall not be there, or I’m going to make, you know, the water run faster than it is. I am pushing against something that’s not pushable really. I’m just expending a lot of energy and it can leave, at least for me when I do it, I have that sense of futility and frustration.
[00:56:57] Like I, I’m telling myself I should be able to do something, but it’s not working. But I’m trying to deny it because I somehow got the idea I should be able to do this, I should will it to space. Um, it’s just the more we do that, if we can catch ourselves, wow, I’m trying to steer the river as opposed to steer my canoe, that’s, you know, like that’s
[00:57:20] the river instead of the canoe.
[00:57:22] That was the image I’m getting is in the, now there’s a flow to life and I can set, I can set my paddle, I can, uh, there is influence. I’m not a leaf. Um, at the whim of the wind and the water, I, I have agency. Part of that is being able to use. Some, the right level of q to steer to direct, but if we, there’s a palpable feeling when we turn upstream and now we’re not in the flow of life, we’re like objecting and are over.
[00:57:59] We’re, we’re, we’re trying to, uh, future, future map in ways that aren’t actually particularly useful. Um, and there’s a, there’s a feeling, and I get anxious when I do that, and it’s actually body guidance.
[00:58:18] Mm-hmm.
[00:58:18] Which says, oh, I’m, of course I’m anxious.
[00:58:23] Of course I’m anxious.
[00:58:25] Eyebrow:, I’m trying to do something that doesn’t
[00:58:27] work.
[00:58:27] I’m trying to do something that doesn’t work.
[00:58:30] I’m trying to train, change the river.
[00:58:32] I’m trying to change the river.
[00:58:34] The river is,
[00:58:36] the river is.
[00:58:37] And I am.
[00:58:39] And I am,
[00:58:40] and I have agency to set some direction.
[00:58:43] I do have agency to set some direction,
[00:58:46] even paddle over to the bank,
[00:58:48] even paddle over to the bank.
[00:58:54] There’s so much of this river that I’m out of control of.
[00:58:57] There’s so much of this river I’m out of control of.
[00:58:59] And the weather.
[00:59:01] And the weather. And
[00:59:02] the other people.
[00:59:03] And the other people,
[00:59:05] some of 'em in my canoe,
[00:59:07] some of them are in my canoe.
[00:59:11] Yeah.
[00:59:16] I am in the process of accepting what is,
[00:59:19] I’m in the process of accepting what is
[00:59:23] while building the strength in my agency
[00:59:26] while building the strength in my agency.
[00:59:29] So again, agency is like, oh, I’ve got the I, I don’t know what to do. I’m in this canoe. And we’re like, oh, agency says, well. I don’t know if it’s gonna actually solve the problem, but I can choose to put my canoe paddle in on one side and provide some movement, some resistance.
[00:59:50] I can switch to the other side. I can switch back and forth. I can paddle forward. I could even back paddle a little. Which, what does it do? It really does change the TRA trajectory, but we’re not actually trying to back paddle the river into something that it’s not, or, um,
[01:00:09] I think of the example. This
[01:00:10] is very empowering.
[01:00:12] I find. To
[01:00:14] think that. Yeah, so I think of the political world right now. I am not very happy with what’s going on in the political world, but the odds of me changing presidents is very small. So I, that’s, if I think of that as this big river, um, there are times that I want to, I feel very overwhelmed and I notice it’s not good for my nervous system to be so aware of things.
[01:00:33] I can steer to the side where it’s not quite so rushy water and kind of paddle a little slower and give myself a break, and then I can decide if I wanna paddle a little more in and be a little more activist, do a little bit more to, you know, kind of influence the river a little bit. But I know that I’m not gonna change the path of the river in general.
[01:00:50] I can, I can add my influence with others to make a little bit of a difference. But there’s no way my, on my own, I can, I can actually make the river a shift. You know? I can decide where in the river I want to be and how active and how much I wanna participate and take care of myself.
[01:01:07] You’ve been supporting and creating little mini flotillas for mm-hmm.
[01:01:11] For support, for the sharing of resources. Um, right. And, you know, most, and by, by future mapping, there, there are things that we can be aware of. Like, oh, you know, I’m noticing we’re in the mountains and I noticed that the river seems to be like. Moving downstream and
[01:01:40] going a little faster,
[01:01:42] going a little faster.
[01:01:44] Um, maybe I wanna take my canoe and port someplace else. Um, future mapping again, is, is not what we’re it we, we said future mapping for the thinker’s soul. Our soul direction is providing guidance and awareness and possibilities. And the beautiful thing about the kind of conscious awareness that comes with this work and this skill, 'cause this is a real skill, is, okay, I’m mapping.
[01:02:19] What am I picking up on? And where is that core of me directing my, my energy, my posture Now? And now, and we can have ideas about where it might be in three months or three years, but future mapping, if, if, if I’m keeping it close enough to home, like oh, my own guidance, my own soul guidance, the connection that I have with other people that matter to me, that there’s resonance to my wisdom circle my, my spiritual buddies, my, you know, if I’m in that, there’s much less of an experience of that very deeply unsatisfying, anxiety producing overthinking.
[01:03:11] Mm-hmm. You’re like, oh, I just spent,
[01:03:18] I just spent a lot of time polishing the same turd. Okay. Yeah. Where, where is my heart directing my energy now? Uh, to breathe? To go for a walk. Ah, okay. I’ve mapped out the pain, the pain situation in this connection I have. What is the, what are the things that could really be good here? Safe and good. Um, I have someone who reconnected with me last night after, you know, they’re extremely dear to me, but the connection between us often goes quiet.
[01:04:03] They’re very private, but they revealed some things last night, a, a series of intense things. And what I noticed is my future mapping went into like, okay, what are the, what are the real challenges? Real challenges? Where’s the real pain here? And it mapped those things out pretty, pretty quickly. And for me, future mapping that includes, well, what’s my, yes.
[01:04:30] Kind of like, okay, well I’d be willing, I’d be willing to get a call in the middle of the night. I made that clear to them. I’d be willing to come see them at their new place. Um, yeah, that’s a yes for me. You notice I’m taking, like, they have, they’re going to a new place and they’re nervous about being there, a new job, a new place, a new part of the country, everything.
[01:04:58] And so I started mapping out in my future mapping, well, what’s my, yes, what is congruent? And in that, there was some like, well, I really should, you know, we’ve, we’ve, we’ve tapped on this with other real skills. Shoulds are not guidance for me, that’s like guilt to society. My role in this person’s life says I should do this, this, and this, and I shouldn’t do this, this, and this.
[01:05:21] Um. So part of not overthinking is like, okay, there’s a should here. What is really my, yes. And I mapped out the, the, the pain. And as Cathy said, in this connection right now, it’s much deeper. It’s much closer, and it doesn’t feel good because they are not in a good place. But that does not mean that they can’t be thriving.
[01:05:49] It doesn’t mean that these challenges are all that they have in their world because there is love. I have it for them. Um, there’s friendship. Like they have a friend who’s showing up for their first weeks actually gonna stay with them. It’s like, oh, what a good friend. Do you notice? I’m starting to map out like, who are the other resources that are a part of this person?
[01:06:15] They’re gonna
[01:06:15] all be on your plate,
[01:06:17] right? Because the first initial thing is what is, what is, what do I have to do? Like, that’s the primitive brains threat, suffering. What do, what am I? And that’s where the skill of moving it into, well what’s my yes here I have a big yes for this person. Um, and, and, and when I do that and then I go, well, what, what actually could be good here?
[01:06:43] Well, I, I love this person so much and getting an opportunity for them to be geographically closer and more connected to me and the family, um, I’m really grateful for that. There’s something good in the freedom to find a better mate, um, that’s more of a yes for them. Um, 'cause that’s part of the landscape now too.
[01:07:05] Um, and as I tune into that, I’m mapping consciously and I wish I was the type of, you know, oh, this will work out like that kind of, this not necessarily help for you. Well, that doesn’t, that no, that denies the, that’s bypassing the real hard reality. But I also want to consciously, and that’s why I do these workshops, why I’m in this practice.
[01:07:36] It’s not, uh, it takes skill inside of me and with my friends, um, to go and continue the process of mapping to include what really deeply matters that could be. It could be really beautiful. Um, sometimes when things fall away and we’re grieving, I know in my life that there’s an opportunity to get clear about what really, really deeply matters.
[01:08:09] It’s not in denial of the grief. It’s not trying to bypass or, or push them for my own discomfort from Be
[01:08:17] happy so I don’t have to deal with you being unhappy. Yeah, no,
[01:08:21] no. Um, but I can hold both. And as Cathy said, our next workshop is on thorns and joys. And this capacity, uh, I feel is, is core to thriving.
[01:08:36] To be able to hold a reality that’s here now, but not as only projecting that toward continued, you know, suffering and decline. There’s always a pathway toward death. We can find it in any path, including the path of joy will eventually lead to death. Um.
[01:08:58] It’s very optimistic. Well, and I think one thing I’m noticing is we’re talking about the problems with future mapping and when taking responsibility, but I actually have a preference personally for, I see people that automatically there’s a problem and they automatically look to who, who else can take responsibility, who else is to blame?
[01:09:18] And I personally have a preference for, and I think many of us do this, I look internally first. Where am I responsible? Where can I fix things? Where can I take when, where can I influence things? But now I have to make sure I also add on what isn’t my responsibility? Where are other people have options as well.
[01:09:35] So I, my inclination is to like that. I look first at myself. Yeah, because I think that takes a courage and a willingness to examine myself that some people, I think that it’s harder to learn if I’ve always blamed other people to come back and say, no, where can I be? Where could I have done things differently?
[01:09:52] Where can I, where can I take some responsibility? But we have to find that balance and we have to, so like, congratulations for being someone who’s willing to look and, and plan and take responsibility. That’s huge. A lot of people never learn that. And how can we also share the broccoli with other people?
[01:10:09] How can we also say, Hey, I don’t have to fix this for everybody. I don’t have to be solely, when I think about making everyone happy, I get very anxious because I don’t actually know. My nervous system knows that I’m lying when I pretend I know what they need. I have a lot of insight into people, but I don’t actually know what’s gonna make them happy.
[01:10:30] Like for instance, when ADRA was here for her birthday back in November, I, she loves to dance and I got her these beautiful sparkly little dance outfits and I thought she would love them for her birthday. I was so excited to give them to her, and everyone was giving presents. She was all having a great time, and I handed them to her and she looked at them and she burst out.
[01:10:49] It’s like distressed, crying, and I’m like. And, and she’s like, I don’t want them. I hate them. And I’m just like, oh my God. I felt so bad because I really thought she would love them. And eventually she decided she liked them and she wanted to keep them. And I, I guess she wore them. But in the moment I’m like, wow, I, you know, I, I got out my way to find the sparkliest, prettiest, glittery, AST ones that I could find.
[01:11:13] And I really thought that I would, she’d be delighted. This would be a really fun birthday present. And it was not. It was, she was very, very unhappy. Um, and we, when we tried to take the responsibility, like I was devastated and I really had to do some breathing and tapping and like, I’m the worst aunt in the world.
[01:11:31] Oh my God, I destroyed her birthday. No, I didn’t. She had a, just a sense she had something in her mind. Four year little kids often do, and adults do too. We have expectations we don’t even realize we have. And when they’re not met, we’re very unhappy. But I. I didn’t know what those expectations were, so we can’t, our nervous system knows it’s a lie when we say we can future plan.
[01:11:52] And I think that’s part of the anxiety too. You
[01:11:55] tap on that anxiety. Yeah. You know, it, it is actually, it can be gui uh, body guidance. Yeah. That we’re going someplace.
[01:12:02] Yeah.
[01:12:03] Pretty
[01:12:04] part of this. Even though part of this anxiety is just that I’m trying to do a lot,
[01:12:09] even though part of this anxiety is that I’m trying to do a lot.
[01:12:12] Part of it is that my body knows I’m telling a lie.
[01:12:16] Part of it knows. My body is telling, I’m telling my body a lie.
[01:12:21] I can’t figure out which, what will make everybody happy.
[01:12:25] I cannot figure out what will make everyone happy. And I have so much evidence.
[01:12:31] Yeah. So that there’s days I can’t even figure out what will make me happy.
[01:12:35] There are many days I can’t figure out how to make me happy.
[01:12:38] I row, nevermind all these people and someone knows me. Nevermind
[01:12:41] every single one of these people I care about.
[01:12:45] Side of the Eye:. What if I let go of the need to make people happy?
[01:12:52] What if I let go of the need to make people happy
[01:12:56] Under the Eye: and switch it in for some, just being with them as they are
[01:13:00] and switch it for being with them as they are
[01:13:03] Under the Nose:. That’s a lot more respectful.
[01:13:06] It’s a lot more respectful
[01:13:08] Chin:, and it’s a lot more connected.
[01:13:10] That’s a lot more connected
[01:13:12] Collarbone:.
[01:13:12] That means I can let go of them having to be happy.
[01:13:16] I can let go of them needing me, needing them to be happy
[01:13:21] under them. I can just be with them as are.
[01:13:24] I can be with them as they are
[01:13:26] Top of the Head:. That’s hard and it’s beautiful.
[01:13:30] It’s hard and it’s beautiful.
[01:13:32] And it’s the truth.
[01:13:34] And it’s the truth.
[01:13:36] And I just, you know, just notice that if you can, I feel, I think humans feel anxious when we tell a lie.
[01:13:43] Our nervous system is like, something is not real. Something is not valid, and it takes energy to pretend that it is to kind of hold on to reality and kind of like torque it enough that we can pretend it. So anxiety can be, I’m just thinking about the future a lot, trying to make things that aren’t, you know, fit a certain way.
[01:14:00] But I like to look at is am I being, what is real? What is possible? Or am I trying to tell my hu you know, humans love to tell ourselves fibs that make us feel better. And sometimes it’s useful, you know, it’s like the water won’t be so cold when I jump into it. Oh, it’s really cold, but I’m in okay.
[01:14:19] Sometimes we can, you know, leverage that a little bit, but if you’re feeling a lot of anxiety about it, I do think that it can be like, oh, where am I not being honest with myself? Where am I distorting the truth? Because our body will feel anxious when things are distorted. It’s, it’s a, it’s a beautiful guidance system.
[01:14:38] I should go to the Top of the Head:. I kind of should feel anxious if I’m trying to change the course of the river.
[01:14:45] I should feel anxious if I’m trying to change the course of the river.
[01:14:51] I, if I’m trying to do the impossible,
[01:14:53] if I’m trying to do the impossible
[01:14:55] Side of the Eye: and the unwise
[01:14:57] and the unwise
[01:15:00] and the I and the unsavvy
[01:15:02] and the unsavvy,
[01:15:03] anxious could be good.
[01:15:04] Good guidance for me.
[01:15:06] Anxious can be good guidance for me
[01:15:08] and, and often I’ve just started overthinking
[01:15:12] and often I’ve just started overthinking.
[01:15:15] Call. Wanna pause. Might be really helpful
[01:15:18] when a pause might be really helpful.
[01:15:22] Hmm. Get clear on what matters to me.
[01:15:27] Get clear on what matters to me.
[01:15:36] And clear about what I control and what I don’t,
[01:15:38] and clear about what I control and what I don’t.
[01:15:42] And that’s an edge. Um, you know, again, for, for those of us that had trauma or difficult periods in our life where, um, we used our skill to control it as best as we could, and because we survived, that part of us gets a lot of credit because that was what we were left with.
[01:16:03] Ruminating and, and, and walking on eggshells and things. And we didn’t die, right? So like, Hey, not dying is
[01:16:10] huge.
[01:16:12] This is a big deal, right? Mm-hmm. And I, I honor that part of me like, Hey, I didn’t die. They didn’t kill me. They didn’t cast me out. I didn’t go into foster care. Uh, yes. And I. I’m in the process of upgrading my skills.
[01:16:29] I’ve been upgrading my skills for decades. I’ve been increasing my options, and I’m able to see what I don’t control, which is most things, and it’s okay. I don’t need to, to be with them and even to add my love to it, and my caring and my compassion and my boundaries, my healthier boundaries, and my clarity and my preparation.
[01:16:57] I love being prepared.
[01:17:00] It is nice to be prepared.
[01:17:02] Yeah. And I love being pleasing.
[01:17:04] I love being pleasing.
[01:17:06] And that sometimes happens,
[01:17:08] and that sometimes happens. It’s a skill. It’s a skill,
[01:17:12] but it’s not a guarantee.
[01:17:14] Not a guarantee. Well, Buddhism is all about the, you know, not being attached to a certain outcome.
[01:17:20] Not being attached to that. It’s lovely when things work out and I feel good, but when I get attached to that outcome, that’s when the suffering comes in. That’s when I, that’s when I’m trying to make things a certain way versus, I’m curious how this will come out. I, I don’t have to go outta my way to create suffering, but life sometimes has suffering and it’s still okay.
[01:17:40] Um, and then someone asked for tapping on baby, being able to rest, and I think that’s a really great way to kind of pull this together. I might, you take a nice deep breath.
[01:17:50] Can we pause just, just 30 seconds here? Mm-hmm. Um, the word rest doesn’t work for me. Okay. Okay. And it may not work for everyone. And that’s where like reset.
[01:18:05] I’m gonna float with this. I’m gonna feel for the flow right now. I’m gonna quiet myself to be, to feel for the flow of what’s happening. Mm-hmm. These are, these are different. Now for some people, rest is like, okay, that is actually the sensation I’m looking for. I’ve had it at moments and I want to be able to rest.
[01:18:27] Um, I’m just saying that because for some people they’re, um, my energy system resting isn’t actually a good state of being. I know what it feels like, but it’s not actually as nourishing, resetting, thriving as like, oh, I’m gonna reset here. I’m gonna close my eyes and reset. I’m gonna take a powerful pause.
[01:18:53] Uh. Keeping my power. I’m gonna, I’m gonna float with this. Allowing is a great word for me. It’s very restful. Like allow, like, you know, it’s time. I’ve done my planning and it’s time for me to allow. So maybe you can, for weirdos like me, you can incorporate some of that into your tapping as well.
[01:19:16] Karate, Chop:, even though I’ve been churning away in the future,
[01:19:19] even though I’ve been churning away in the future
[01:19:23] and analyzing the
[01:19:23] past and analyzing the past,
[01:19:26] I choose to take a gentle breath.
[01:19:32] I choose to take a gentle breath and pause. And pause.
[01:19:38] I don’t have to turn away in the future.
[01:19:41] I do not have to turn away in the future.
[01:19:44] I. I do not have to lyze the past.
[01:19:48] I don’t have to lyze the past
[01:19:51] Top of the Head:. It’s okay to be right here and now.
[01:19:56] Okay to be right here, right now.
[01:20:00] Ira, for some people that’s rest.
[01:20:03] For some people that is rest
[01:20:06] Side of the Eye:. For some people that’s allowing,
[01:20:11] for some people that’s
[01:20:13] allowing Under the Eye:, I thought I had to strive really hard.
[01:20:18] I thought I had to strive really hard
[01:20:20] Under the Nose:, and I did my best
[01:20:22] and I did my best.
[01:20:24] Jen, I’m really tired
[01:20:27] and that part of me is so tired.
[01:20:30] Collarbone: and all that striving wasn’t really the best thing I could do for myself.
[01:20:35] And I’ve learned that that striving isn’t the best thing that I could do for myself,
[01:20:39] and there was the best I could do back then.
[01:20:43] Right on. It was the best I could do back then
[01:20:46] Top of the Head:, but now I’m learning a different way.
[01:20:50] Hmm. Now I am learning a different way in practicing.
[01:20:54] I go, what if I can be right here and right now?
[01:20:59] What if I can be right here, right now,
[01:21:03] Side of the Eye:? Just this,
[01:21:06] just this.
[01:21:07] Under the Eye: with the uncertainty of the future,
[01:21:10] with the uncertainty of the future
[01:21:13] Under the Nose:. Without knowing and predicting,
[01:21:16] without knowing and predicting
[01:21:19] Chin:, just floating in the river as it is.
[01:21:23] Loading in the river as it is, uh,
[01:21:26] Collarbone:. And allowing myself to really be with what’s happening
[01:21:31] and allowing myself to really be with what’s happening
[01:21:35] Under the Arm:. There’s a lot of power in this moment.
[01:21:39] There’s a lot of power in this moment.
[01:21:42] And a lot of renewal as well.
[01:21:45] And so much renewal as well.
[01:21:48] Just take a breath in this moment. Notice the breath, filling your lungs and then releasing, nourishing your body. You don’t actually have to plan your next breath. Your body’s already going to do it.
[01:22:06] I really appreciate everybody being part of this conversation. I think that this is a little esoteric in that a lot of people wouldn’t necessarily see the value of it. You have to actually understand that you’re in a river and that you can steer a little bit differently to, um, consider this. And I think the average human running around is just like, I just have to try harder and plan better, and.
[01:22:28] I love that there’s a willingness to pause and look at things differently. 'cause when we do, even if we have the concept, I mean just that Rick talks often about that 1% shift taking us to an entirely different place. It gives us that space to go, oh wait, there’s a little bit of a, a ledge where I can start, go peeling things away and doing things different and giving yourself that is a huge gift.
[01:22:51] And I just really appreciate you being the kind of people that show up for this. And Rick, thanks for chewing on this with us.
[01:22:59] Mm-hmm. Appreciate you as co-creators and in our community. A couple weeks we’ll have thorns and joys. So as that sits in your, in your allowing and you’re resting and your renewal mapping, having an opportunity to hold both and notice what happens.
[01:23:22] Um, yeah.
[01:23:26] Yeah, thank.
[01:23:28]
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