Finding Essential Comforts: Old Favorites and New Possibilities

I’ve realized in a peripheral way for awhile now that I want the comfort to come from outside of me, preferably from another human being. As if I shouldn’t have to comfort myself all the time, someone else should be available to make me feel better. (says the 6 year old)

If I (try to) give myself comfort, several things happen.

  • I can end up with a sick feeling in my stomach as if it’s either not okay to comfort myself or else I feel angry because I’m so tired of and from having to comfort myself because there wasn’t any comfort available any other way. I once was asked how I self soothe and I said “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

  • It feels “subpar”, as if were I an okay/acceptable/deserving human being I wouldn’t have to always give it to myself, and there’d be another person there who would give me comfort, at least more than once every 6 or 8 weeks when someone I care about gives me a hug which is never long enough.

  • Then there’s the old belief “It’s not okay to seek comfort. Feeling good is not safe, and will be quickly taken from me.”

Even the image with the hands at the top of this thread makes me cringe and almost mildly dissociate.

I don’t know if any of this is clear; I wanted to get it out while I was thinking of it.

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I recognize those same struggles in my own life…giving myself comfort. My childhood is quite unclear to me and even my adolescence is as well (what does that communicate?!) My teenage years (13 - 19) are very clear to me. I was left at home with my alcoholic mother while my father was a travelling salesman and would be gone for a week or two at a time. When he returned home it was such a comfort…comfort coming externally…I couldn’t wait for him to get home. Of course, the fucked up thing about that was that he was the one who left me in that situation in the first place. Comfort coming from the one who had thrust me into unbelievable discomfort and I worshipped him for that comfort when he returned and relieved me of the duty of taking care of his wife, my mother. He was my hero when he returned. That’s kinda FU’d, no? I learned early on to get my comfort from booze, drugs, cigs and losing myself in other people’s home lives because mine was so unbearable most of the time…and lonely and confusing. So the idea of ‘self-soothing’ in a healthy way that doesn’t rely on external sources is still often very unfamiliar to me.

The learning path that leads to a self-sufficient way of soothing was never constructed for you and I and millions of others. Ideally we would have been comforted in authentic and safe ways and from that beginning we would have learned how to do that for ourselves as we grew. Transferrable skills! I think that’s what happens in emotionally thriving ‘We-Space’ families. But that evolutionary pathway toward learning how to self-comfort ourselves was interrupted or never constructed and I think when that happens we can get left in a sort of time warp…we grow to be adults still primarily needing comforting from the outside. And fortunately for us our brains are very resilient and plastic and those skills can be learned even as adults.

Most of this I’d already mapped out for myself but some of this I’m just putting together now as I type. Thanks for being so open and revealing…I appreciate that. It helps. :slight_smile:

All of it is very clear my friend…

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You belong here the same as any of us do. Thank you for showing up, for contributing and for your vulnerable honesty.

A lot of what you have posted I can relate to. It’s hard for me to ask for things, too, and it’s taken a lot of practice and discernment for me to choose wisely who I even honor with my ask.

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I don’t remember much of mine, either, just bits and pieces of various traumas, and the rest is mostly a blur of numbness and confusion. I think I spent years dissociating a lot of the time.

Thank you, Glenn, I so appreciate how you and Rick both respond with thoughtful, considerate and truly beautiful words. It makes it easier to be revealing and open knowing I’ll be received with support and kindness and dare I say love? :hugs:

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I think you can dare to say love… :grinning:

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It’s very clear and (unfortunately) only too relatable. Hugs

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Can I just hop in to say how relatable all of this is??

@gibbysan the session that you’ve had with @Cathy reminded me of something relatable. The thought of the plastic pizza (deceived comfort) was all too real…! In fact, literally too real. My mum used to cook waffles for us for breakfast until she cooked in bulk batches and the food eventually spoils because there were just too many…! And when we brought up that it was spoilt, she would get angry, and I can just immediately sense it… and the blame will be on me and my brother. “Why did you not eat it earlier?! You should’ve known that it will spoil so you should’ve eaten more!” And because of that, both of us had to stuff down those sour waffles and be stomach-ill for days… ughh…no fun…! I still do struggle with this, but at least now I can listen more to my body and say “no” with more ease than back then… so that’s good :relieved:

I still remember the time when I cried so profusely when mum and dad wanted to file for divorce and I was so heartbroken at their decision (they didn’t though since my dad backed out. Still wished that they had broke up though, otherwise I wouldn’t be stuck in their cobweb of problems). That was probably my darkest moment, and I start to lose reasons to live. Sleeping was an absolute nightmare. I cried in the toilet at my workplace. And that night, I just had to asked my mum…for comfort, for support though all these… and I told her, why do you both have to divorce? What I got was more complains about her situation, her struggle and her saying how shitty my dad was…!

A big tight slap in the face (not literally).That was the comfort I got.

Wake the fuck up, and see how messed up your dad and the world is. She didn’t say that, but that probably was what I got from her. Ironically, from then on, it pulled me out of that dark moment. I had to, I must, wake the fuck up and continue to fight this painful war.

So…idk, it could’ve been way better if I actually had comfort, but that was probably the moment when I learn the most painful (and limiting) belief that nobody is going to give a flying shit about you so stop wallowing over your own problems, since even the person that I cared about the most dared to say such a thing.

If the person you care about can say such a thing, so what makes you think that a stranger (or someone less close to you) would then care more?

Anyways, a lot of self reflection like many of you guys here… but another takeaway to drawing the connection of the lack of comfort and rest for my internal self, which has driven the need for people-pleasing and attention from people…! If there was a job to people-please, I would probably do really well with it, but man… it’s seriously tiring!:sob:

As a musician, a student etc. i repeatedly question myself this: “what’s the point of doing all these when nobody cares?” But I know that question seeks to prompt my inner deficit in self comfort. Because I know that ultimately, I need it to be able to comfort myself rather than waiting for the world to comfort me… probably one of the hardest lesson I had to keep learning.

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I will share that I’ve learned that when my brain uses things like “nobody” or “everybody” that it’s spouting bullshit into my psyche.

I have yet to find any kind of art or person or idea that “nobody” likes or “everybody” likes. Have you?

Means if we say nobody wants us, we are stating something false. It’s helpful to alert our mind to such falsities. We don’t want to follow liars and con artists – even the ones in our head :stuck_out_tongue_winking_eye:

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Thanks Rick! Yes I agree. But I think that would be what my logical mind would say…! I wouldn’t go so far to say that it’s false because that was what I’ve authentically been feeling… alone and sorrowful internally whilst the other side is trying to talk me out of it that I’m actually not.

I’ve always told myself back then that yeah, I will try to tell myself that there are people who care and I try to console myself that I’ll be fine. But that seem to only add another layer of resistance and a deceived comfort (?) that which makes me try to hide my internal lonely struggles even further…

The deep sense of lonely pain that “nobody” is there pointed me to all that neglect and hurt that I was once given by my parents… such that it felt “like no-one was there, since only me and my family exist in our home”. So in a way, I’m glad that it is there to then point me to what I need to work on internally.

So emotionally, it felt that way, and I’d choose to honour and acknowledge those feelings so that I can release those hurts and support my younger self!

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Mmmm, yeah, the old “head deny the feelings” game. I tried that one a long while.

For me I’ve come to understand that the feelings are all real, and I’m not interested in denying them. I turned to EFT Tapping not to deny my feelings or suppress them or distract from them… rather to give myself the skill to take that energy and transform it – or at least bring myself into the present moment.

So I can still get this overwhelming feeling that “I have no friends!” I can tune into the whole timeline of different points in my life where that feeling of isolation was a profound Asking for more depth. I wish I had another approach other than trying to argue “but you do have friends” and be able to:

  1. Address with inner tapping the younger me that lived devoid of anyone who “met me” in depth of emotion and intimacy until I was long an adult…

  2. Could help myself come present with both the reality (I do have friends now) and the longing (most are not even in driving distance).

My triggered feelings are real. Even as I’ve tapped on those old experiences, the trauma-multiplier-amplifier is lessened, but until I get clear on what need/yearning of mine is just NOT being met right now… my head shortcuts to “I have no friends” and then tries to argue me out of it.

Does that make sense?

When I read what you’re writing, you want someone who really meshes with your interests at the level of devotion, too, right? And who sees you and loves who you are as your explore and grow?

I mean, I know a bunch of us here do that… or aspects of it… all the while the profound yearning for close kin is still activated.

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It’s like these are two different systems of ‘knowing’ that have their distinct domains in which they are designed to operate. The ‘head’ is for ‘reality’ that is external/physical ('Yes, I can objectively provide evidence that I, in fact, have friends’)…‘feelings’ are for what’s felt as internal reality (‘I (feel as if) have no friends’). And then ‘they’ argue about which is the ‘real reality’. It’s an impossible situation because the premise is false…the premise being that ‘they’ are having a conversation/argument about the same thing…and they are not. We think they are but it’s an illusion. One is describing things and events…the other is describing feelings about things and events. Feelings are not things…nor are things feelings. To confuse or conflate the two is a logical level mistake that will only end in unhappiness. We’ve been seduced into participating in an impossible conversational loop that really has no exit under those conditions. The only exit from the crazy making loop is to not participate…to not get seduced into the loop, it seems to me. And I think some aspects of EFT (and NLP as well) handle that very smartly…like welcoming and thanking and acknowledging and loving what both the ‘head’ and the ‘heart’ (and gut and groin) report to us…and not entering into an internal battle about which one is the correct version. They each provide useful and necessary information about the whole ‘thing’…information gathered from separate but intertwined realms.

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I find the same kind of dynamic with spiritual realms as well. I can feel and hear and even “see” the devotional support of my spirit circle. A part of me can not experience that as a a truth – often because the hurde to believing is so high.

“Oh, if you love and support me THAT much, then I should… (or you should)…”

Whether it is about love or money or joy, I have so much experience with a gap between the spiritual reality and the gap with how I expect that to manifest in my life! Yet, if I can hold “both/and” then it feels far more possible to be in a thriving relationship with those different realms (and the concepts/perspectives that vary between them).

How applicable that feels right now with the “I have no friends” mantra/loop…

For example, if there is this sacred truth that I have friends, but there is a part of me that expects (and tries to insist!) that if that is true then ____ should also be true – like I should have someone to walk with any time I want, or talk with, or get a hug from…

The essential comfort can be tuning to one of the realms and feeling the congruence as long as I am perceiving from the framework that works for me within that realm. My spiritual framework does not require manifestation in order for something to be true. When I am attuned to that framework, I do get to see my earth life differently… and in a way that is more comforting and less stressful.

It helps me calm the part of me that expects. It helps me confidence the part of me that craves “proof.”

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Yes!..so much wisdom in what you’ve written. Thank you. And for me it’s become such an important and fundamental observation to be aware of how ‘expectation’ runs like a babbling brook through EVERYTHING…(stop the incessant babbling please!!)

But of course, it also seems to me, ‘expectation’ is a fundamental survival mechanism. It’s not wrong to have the experience of ‘expectation’…I figure it’s part of our primitive OS software…but context is critical as to what to expect I suppose. When we are experiencing through the spiritual realm and having physical realm expectations, well that may not be appropriate or fulfilling.

I sure appreciate being able to navigate some of these ideas and observations with you Rick…I find it very juicy! I’ve noticed that I have often had the expectation that I should be able to have these sorts of discussions with most anybody…other friends of mine for example. Guess where that expectation leads to…lol. It has been said that ‘disappointment takes adequate planning’…and of course ‘planning’ is synonymous with ‘expectation’.

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Yeah. Since all we humans have primitive brains and several different OS’s running apps, you’d like we could all get excited about this stuff! Uhh, no. Some people have their minds full of the dirty laundry or pastel magic. Who knows. I’ve noticed for example that some of my shows that I was really looking forward to seeing the next season are… unwatched. Instead, I am learning about Fiat and Layed Money and stuff like that!

Weird, aren’t I…

One of the futurists I tune to is BalajiS and he speaks of communities of interest, something I’ve obviously been focused on since I was 15. I’m grateful that here in this space we can asynchronously “speak” about what matters to us, with thoughtfulness and irreverence and… humanness.

If I was limited by neighbors, I’d feel rather “unexpressed.” Or even if our engagements could only happen in person after long travel.

It is an essential comfort for me to know you and others in our community will engage with this or not – freedom! – when an if they are drawn. Across time and space. Ahhh

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Of course you are…otherwise I’d have little interest in engaging with you. I relish ‘weirdness’ in most of it’s forms…weird is where the tasty bits live I think.

I had a thought recently born out of the strange times we live in currently. By no means am I a historian but I’d wager that if we looked back through history at all the various city-states, civilizations and empires that have crumbled the blame would lay mainly with those aligned with the ‘status quo’ and not the outliers, the people who question…not the shit disturbers or the weird ones but those who benefit most from keeping things running just as they are…maintaining ‘the system’ rather than adapting to change and various forces (both internal and external to ‘the system’). Of course that’s not the story they would tell…not then and certainly not now. So, I celebrate and embrace ‘weird’ because that’s the way forward…that’s the way of ‘Adaptation’, resourcefulness and new concepts I think. Rock on Weird Rick!! :slight_smile:

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It is comforting to me to be reminded of weirdness as the leading edge of evolution… Been considering that a lot recently, how weird it is to be so devoted to things like freedom and body autonomy and consent at times when the status quo has so much coercive structures.

That said, no lions playing at the Roman Coliseum this weekend. Just “ruins” that can be visited but not really experienced as they were – thank goodness.

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The multi-faceted structures of ‘consensus through coercion’…being a ‘rebel’ within those structures means standing up for basic human rights and human dignity and freedom…real freedom. Maybe that’s what a ‘rebel’ has always meant through our tumultuous human history.

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Oh wow, thanks for the clarity! Not gonna lie I was triggered by this sentence because of all the suppression that which I had to go through whenever I voiced my opinions. It feels as though I’m not allowed to say that “nobody cares” or that “everyone is like that”. There’s still just so much anger within me that I’ve still yet to clear… that which screams out the hatred people have labeled upon me… (that I shouldn’t think so negatively or I shouldn’t be so egotistical…) Toxic positively and my mum’s toughen-it-out mentality has shaped me to hold all of this hatred…!

But anyways, thanks for the clarity! It’s a lot clearer when you explained it further in depth and that does clear the assumptions that my head tends to spiral down to!

Yes! The yearning and longing for close kin just feels like it’s not fulfilled, (though I’m definitely immensely grateful for this community that allows so much emotional and spiritual connection)! And yes… so agreeable on the latter points about expectations. So I suppose this is my spiritual expectation, that is hard to be matched with the manifestations of it in the physical reality (Ie.g. to have someone that understands, respects and loves me all the time)

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Thank you all for discussing this topic so openly and fully those years ago…. Finding it helpful for myself today as I navigate all of these feelings and concepts around comfort and triggers and automatic negative beliefs about self and others and the world and finding my way through them to what might matter to me instead and how I might want to live my life from my own choice

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Winter rains and family stresses often have me returning to the Old Favorite of ice cream. It… works.

The New Possibility that I’ve worked on for years is that I don’t need to eat the whole pint even though I have it.

When I savor more… when I really let it Full-Fill me, even the old favorite has a different tone and texture and kind of nourishment. My body right now cannot be in a calorie deficit. But that is different from being stuffed like I might need to “run away” with a stash of calories inside.

Old Favorites can, indeed, be recast often to be something different.

My walks/hikes used to be only where the energy was AMAZING. Pinnacle hikes. Waterfalls. And if they were not available in the time I had (or energy) they didn’t happen.

The New Possibility of savoring changes in simple paths made it possible for me to be nourished in more “bite sized” ways. For 1070 days of Morning Miles now.

I believe even in the coping strategies we resorted to (and sometimes still do) there are hints at fresh possibilities. If we look. If we adapt with curiosity best we can tap into.

Thanks for the kind words and for continuing, as we are, in ways that get us more out of primal and into thriving. :heart_decoration:

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