Can I just hop in to say how relatable all of this is??
@gibbysan the session that you’ve had with @Cathy reminded me of something relatable. The thought of the plastic pizza (deceived comfort) was all too real…! In fact, literally too real. My mum used to cook waffles for us for breakfast until she cooked in bulk batches and the food eventually spoils because there were just too many…! And when we brought up that it was spoilt, she would get angry, and I can just immediately sense it… and the blame will be on me and my brother. “Why did you not eat it earlier?! You should’ve known that it will spoil so you should’ve eaten more!” And because of that, both of us had to stuff down those sour waffles and be stomach-ill for days… ughh…no fun…! I still do struggle with this, but at least now I can listen more to my body and say “no” with more ease than back then… so that’s good
I still remember the time when I cried so profusely when mum and dad wanted to file for divorce and I was so heartbroken at their decision (they didn’t though since my dad backed out. Still wished that they had broke up though, otherwise I wouldn’t be stuck in their cobweb of problems). That was probably my darkest moment, and I start to lose reasons to live. Sleeping was an absolute nightmare. I cried in the toilet at my workplace. And that night, I just had to asked my mum…for comfort, for support though all these… and I told her, why do you both have to divorce? What I got was more complains about her situation, her struggle and her saying how shitty my dad was…!
A big tight slap in the face (not literally).That was the comfort I got.
Wake the fuck up, and see how messed up your dad and the world is. She didn’t say that, but that probably was what I got from her. Ironically, from then on, it pulled me out of that dark moment. I had to, I must, wake the fuck up and continue to fight this painful war.
So…idk, it could’ve been way better if I actually had comfort, but that was probably the moment when I learn the most painful (and limiting) belief that nobody is going to give a flying shit about you so stop wallowing over your own problems, since even the person that I cared about the most dared to say such a thing.
If the person you care about can say such a thing, so what makes you think that a stranger (or someone less close to you) would then care more?
Anyways, a lot of self reflection like many of you guys here… but another takeaway to drawing the connection of the lack of comfort and rest for my internal self, which has driven the need for people-pleasing and attention from people…! If there was a job to people-please, I would probably do really well with it, but man… it’s seriously tiring!
As a musician, a student etc. i repeatedly question myself this: “what’s the point of doing all these when nobody cares?” But I know that question seeks to prompt my inner deficit in self comfort. Because I know that ultimately, I need it to be able to comfort myself rather than waiting for the world to comfort me… probably one of the hardest lesson I had to keep learning.