Don't I Have To Earn Love?

 Real Skills Workshop - Community Event


RS 2022-02-15 Love-1200x630

Don’t I Have To Earn Love?

Real Skills Workshop: Relate and Co-Create

Hosts: Rick Wilkes (@Rick) and Cathy Vartuli (@Cathy)

Recorded Tue Feb 15 2022

:point_right: Replay is below

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But Don’t I Have To Earn Love?

Do you feel you have to EARN love? And when you don’t get love, it must be because you don’t deserve it?

I’ve felt that way at times in my life.
It’s a tragedy.

It’s also essentially false. I say essentially because your Essence is Love and your core being is a match for love.

But just like we can wear heavy clothes to protect from the icy storms to survive, have you noticed how rampantly people withhold love and acceptance in order to coerce others? OUCH.

Because we are born both lovable and needing to feel love’s consistency around us, attention and connection often become part of a “do this and then you can have that” exchange. So… we adapt. We don’t expect love to be abundant. We expect it to be scarce, something we need to exchange for… to earn.

It would be a delight if we could together shift this even a bit more for all of us. The protective clothes for icy weather really feel heavy and soggy in the bathtub. Time to feel into how and when we can feel the calming and confidencing vibrations of essential love.

While it is true some people are not “loving folks” we’re really fortunate that the Thriving Now Community has so many naturally loving people in it! We hope you’ll join us on Tuesday, Feb 15th. :purple_heart:

:point_right: Replay is below

We do offer an option for financial support when you sign up, both sharing support with us and receiving support as our gift to you if that is what your yes is. Blessings to us all.

Let’s assert that LOVE is something we ARE, that we ENJOY, and we are a MATCH for… together.

Rick & Cathy
Your Emotional Freedom Coaches

P.S. Adira says, “Open up and say… Aaahhhhh deserve Love… and you do, too!”

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(Part of the picture…)

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Love the Feeling. Love the Verb.

We’re nourished when we feel love.

Love is an energy that flows and radiates in our core. It possible to feel it. Yet, I know there were times when it was a LOT easier to feel my anxiety and my racing heartbeat than to feel the more subtle feelings of love within me.

Has that ever been true for you? Is that at all true for you now?

At times I feel like I was wired to be anxious… that my calm confidence has been like learning a second language. Indeed, I would say that for me the 6th “love language” is the language of calm and confident presence – with myself and extending out to others.

The “verb” (action) of love helps me with that. Somehow, if there are ways I can love then, well, I’m okay. I’ve seen furry friends be that for so many people. Nature, too.

People? Yeah, in theory. As a coach I witness so many BLOCKS to love arising, like this notion that we have to EARN love somehow. Like love is something we need to “work” for in order to get it in “return.”

Sure, I get where that comes from. Withholding love. And also being around people who are disconnected from Source and feeling depleted, resentful, and worse.

I assert with all my heart that we do not need to EARN love. I also assert that questioning whether we “deserve” love is a misconception – akin to a child believing they deserved abuse because the big bad person said they did.

That hasn’t stopped me from being confused about love enough that smothered the feeling of love inside me with worry, disconnected from the love that exists between every one of us and Source, and sought to “earn love” through all kinds of ways.

With Valentine’s Day coming up, those past experiences often come up in my body for another round of release. If that happens for you, too, Cathy and I hope you’ll join us on Tuesday, Feb 15th. :purple_heart:

:point_right: Replay is below

It’s free if that’s the gift of love you need right now. And we appreciate financial energy if that’s you’re YES.

Let’s assert that LOVE is something we ARE, that we ENJOY, and we are a MATCH for… together.

Rick & Cathy
Your Emotional Freedom Coaches

P.S. Adira says, “Love is me… Love is you… Love is We. Now, stick out your tongue and laugh together!”

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I am really excited and grateful about this one!!!

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Don’t I Have To Earn Love? - Session Recording

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Click for Computer Generated Transcript

Don’t I Have To Earn Love?
[00:00:00] I have to earn love, right? Cathy earn me some love. Yes. Yeah. It’s a, it feels heavy just out that like, it’s like the hamster on the wheel. You never can stop because if you get a little love, but now you’ve got to earn some more and it’s just a lot of us live our entire lives that way. And it’s just really, I feel like it’s a very heavy thing to have to deal with our whole lives.
[00:00:34] Um, and we’d love to help you kind of process where that came from and dismantle that one of the things is if we have that belief very firmly implanted. It’s very hard for us to see something else. So I’ve had, I had people in my life that loved me for me. Rick loves me for me, but for years there was a lot of like, I would ask him, did I do enough?
[00:00:57] Am I doing enough for our relationship? Because I had that belief that I had to earn his love. I wasn’t able to see that he was just giving me love if that makes sense. So I was always justifying, well, I did this for him. That’s why he’s being kind to me. I was good at this. I added to this and there was always a struggle, this running on the treadmill kind of feeling when I didn’t actually have to run on that treadmill.
[00:01:24] Brick, just follow me. I just love him. He doesn’t have to do or be something for me to love him. The Dera little, the little munchkin. She just gets love. And she’s lucky enough to be in a family where that’s very abundant and she gets to grow up with it. And we’d love to help you look at this in a different way so that you can dismantle some of the, the rules in your head that maybe keep you from his team love around you.
[00:01:51] That is not necessarily just available abundance for you.
[00:01:59] You wanted to start with, uh, some grounding and then. And the chat is open. So please feel free to share there. What’s coming up for you. It helps us to Kathy and I also wanted to do some tapping with people more than even usual. Um, so. If you get to a place where you know that you’d like to do some tapping on what’s coming on, please feel free to raise your hand under reactions.
[00:02:29] This is being recorded, recorded. So you’re, uh, you’re consenting to be on the recording. If you do choose to volunteer, you can leave your video off or change your name if you’d like. And I just want to add, I work with I’m a shy person and I work with a lot of shy people. If it feels really uncomfortable for you to raise your hand, Rick and I are often judging the time based on like how many hands are up, whether we continue to speak, you’re welcome to direct message Rick or I, and say, I would love to work if raising your hand feels.
[00:02:59] To visible or you feel shy about that. Um, you can direct message in the chat to us and let us know that way we can kind of budget some time for you. We’ll do our best to work with everybody who adds to, but because this topic is very tender, I’d love to invite you. Just, we’re going to start with just setting the container more people may drop in, but we’re just gonna like help your system know that you’re in a safe place to deal with that.
[00:03:25] So I invite you just to take a slow, gentle, deep breath.
[00:03:32] When you take a slow deep breath in the bottom of your lungs that sends biofeedback to your primitive brain, your survival brain letting you know you’re safe. When there’s danger, we tend to take short, rapid, shallow breaths. That’s one of those people, some people have trouble wearing masks for that reason because they start breathing shallowly and quickly, and it tells their brain that they’re in danger.
[00:03:56] So when we take a nice deep breath, it lets us know there’s not a bear chasing. I’m actually safe to process this. And if we make a noise, when we exhale, like I just did and take a breath in and go, ah, that rattles the Vegas nerve in a way that signals in a very primitive, deep level that you’re safe doing this pre-work I used to think it was silly.
[00:04:21] I’m like, ah, no, let’s just dive in. I’ll tough it through. But I wasn’t really as available to do the deep work. So I invite you to, don’t just pretend to take a deep breath, actually take that breath to the bow. Imagine the bottom of your lungs or inhale or expanding. Maybe your tummy can come out too, if that’s okay.
[00:04:40] And then just breathe. Let the air out, let it make a noise. Oh, whatever that is. Yeah. Nice. And I’d like to just feel your feet on the floor, do this one a lot, because we want to get you back in your body. Our society, and our culture is really get it’s very heady. Um, and we want to get you in your body because that’s where a lot of this stuff is stored.
[00:05:04] Notice the texture of your feet, or maybe their feet are tight. Your feet, you’re touching a carpet or your socks or a wood floor or vinyl or whatever that is. Notice the texture and the temperature, and just let yourself be present with your feet. And notice that you’re not having to hold them up. Maybe you are, but you don’t have to.
[00:05:24] If you put them on the ground, they’re supported, your butt is supported. Maybe your back is as well. The universe has you. And you’re here in the safe space with these people. And we’re a very loving group. If ever, you’re going to find a place to practice where you can practice abundant love, just readily available.
[00:05:45] This is a good place to do it. So if you can just let yourself notice, like maybe look at if you want to go in gallery view, or you can just look at Rick. And I just noticed that this container is very safe and the feelings that you have are valid and we want you to be here. We want you to help. We want to help clear some of the blocks that stop you from feeling as loved as you want to feel.
[00:06:11] And it’s very, very hard to feel deeply loved. If you’re feeling like you constantly have to earn it. And then if someone better comes along, you’ll be kicked to the curb. There’s a constant, there’s like an adrenaline feeling of my body. Even saying that like I have to try harder. I have to scramble constantly.
[00:06:30] And that means I never actually get to bask in the love. I’m getting, I’m not able to actually absorb it and let that nutrient of love and attention and energy come in. So this is something that’s very core. If we can just shift it just a little bit, we don’t, we’re not saying we’re going to maybe feel shifted a lot, but you don’t need to shift it 50% or a hundred percent today.
[00:06:54] Even opening the door a little bit, lets fresh energy in and let you start healing this process because you’ll start once you tastes love. That’s just really authentically given and not having to be earned. It tastes to me so much sweeter, so much better and our system will naturally go towards that.
[00:07:13] And we’ll clear some blocks today too, but all you have to do is crack the door and just let a little bit of this in for the healing process to have start happening. So just take another gentle deep breath.
[00:07:29] And if you can feel yourself in the circle of people with the same intention. That we’re going to clear some locks, open the door, experience, some love. That’s just very genuine and present and let our systems reacclimate, reorient where orient. So it’s looking for something different rather than the adrenaline dopamine fueled thing, where we scramble constantly, we’re going to just re reacclimate our bodies and that’s a really powerful thing.
[00:08:00] So one more slow, deep breath to let your body feel safe.
[00:08:07] Nice. Thank you for doing that with us.
[00:08:15] I have to earn love
[00:08:21] you even say, I have to earn love. If you’re in a place where you can say that I have to earn love. How true does it feel? Zero to 10. I have to earn love now. Some for some people just tuning into that can surprise them. Like mine right now is an eight. Well, dear, I know it fluctuates because I’ve done this work before, but an eight’s a big deal.
[00:09:00] Like, oh, I have to earn love. That’s an eight. I can I’m I’m pretty sure that when I looked at the dishes tonight, what’s coming into my mind is when I looked at the dishes, oh, I need to do that tonight. Even after the workshop, in order to, to what earn love. Like it’s not logically true. It’s one of those primal things.
[00:09:29] And as you tune into this, if you want to share your number, I see an another eight, but he’s an infinity, right? Um, what comes up for you?
[00:09:45] What’s the body sensation as you think about it? Like mine is definitely my body. No, like my body, no. Like in my throat, my upper chest. I didn’t know that that was my body. No, it would just feel like a pressure. And I might interpret it as meaning. Yes, I have to. I have to, I have to, there’s a pressure to this feels more like, no, my spirit saying this is not actually true, but it drives you.
[00:10:16] That’s kind of one of my. It’s not really true, but it’s really driving you at times. Yeah. If you feel like if, if tuning in right now and noticing it feels really intense, you can also think of a time where you felt this putting a little bit of time between now and you can, or the experience and you might make it a little softer.
[00:10:39] So if it’s very intense, just think of sometime last week or last year where you felt this and then try to remember what your body felt like. So today I’m feeling pretty loved I’m feeling. I’ve had a very gentle day in some ways. So I’m feeling like at a four, like I have to earn love, but I can still feel that kind of adrenaline anxiety feeling when I feel like I have to.
[00:11:01] And my brain starts scrambling looking for ways I can prove myself worthy. So in just if you can tune into the specifics of this. It makes it more concrete. So often we have this belief and if we don’t also have body sensations with it, it’s a lot harder to tackle. It’s the thought or the belief is kind of a femoral and it’s like trying to grab fog.
[00:11:26] It’s a lot harder to get, but if you can actually remember how my body, how your body felt at a time, either right now, or in a relatively recent past where you felt like you had to earn love, that’s kind of making it more solid. It gives your system a way to kind of clear it more deeply. Um, okay. Um, things for someone said I’m really loud.
[00:11:50] So I had just adjusted that and I’m glad to know that I will lower. That is let me know if that’s better. I’d rather we were balanced. It feels to me a little, a little loud, but I can’t hear myself. Okay. Yeah, that feels good. Okay, great. Thank you. I appreciate Peter. Thanks for speaking up. Um, someone sharing, I feel confusion as in what does mean love to really feel like, and how would I even know?
[00:12:22] And I think that’d be a beautiful place to start tapping. Would that be okay, Rick, do you want to leave that or do you want me to
[00:12:33] lovely. Okay. So just take a deep breath, karate chop, even though I’m not sure what be loved would actually feel like, even though I’m not sure what being loved would feel like if I didn’t, because I didn’t have to earn it. Yeah. I really curious. And I’d like to know. I’m really curious. And I’d like to know, even though there’s part of me that doesn’t know if I deserve to feel love, I haven’t earned, even though part of me is unsure whether I deserve to feel love, but I haven’t earned.
[00:13:10] Maybe it’s okay to try it out. Maybe it’s okay to try it out. Even though I don’t know what it would feel like. Even though I’m don’t know what it would feel like I’m pretty good at learning. I am pretty good at learning and I might be able to figure this out and I might be able to figure this out. What would love?
[00:13:31] I didn’t earn even feel like I would love. I didn’t even feel like I brow. Can I let that in? Can I let that side of the eye I’m so used to scrambling for my love? I’m so used to scrambling for my love under the eye. In those times, when I’m really exhausted from working on. There’s times when I’m really exhausted from working hard under the nose.
[00:13:56] That I’m pretty sure I deserve it, then. I’m pretty sure I deserve it, even if I don’t get it. Yeah. But I don’t always get it then I don’t always get it collarbone one, if I can just let it in a little bit of love right now. What if I can let in just a little bit right now under the arm love, I don’t have to scramble for love.
[00:14:18] I don’t have to scramble for top of the head love. I don’t have to prove myself for love. I don’t have to prove myself love just for being and just take a deep breath.
[00:14:36] The way that I kind of broke through with this is because I’ve struggled with this a lot is I don’t right now, but I’ve had cats most of my life and my cat and cats for anyone. Who’s had cats. They’re not really a. Work horses. They don’t do a lot. Like you tell, I asked my to vacuum all the time and she never wants got the vacuum cleaner out, not once.
[00:14:59] Um, she just like herself and look at me. So like, but I loved her just for her being this. Like, she didn’t have to do anything. I don’t think dogs are as good analogy on that because dogs will try to earn your love, but cats are like, you don’t have to love me. I don’t care, but we love them anyway, um, for cat lovers.
[00:15:19] So maybe that analogy helps you a little bit, but I also think the universal love that we have around us, like today I was out in the sunshine. I didn’t have to do anything to earn that sunshine, the air that’s around us right now. I didn’t do, do you have to do anything to earn that? Or is it just there?
[00:15:39] What if the universe just loves us as we are? What if there’s proof of that? Love all around us, but we’re so focused on scrapping. That we don’t notice the other kinds of love, which kind of takes us to part two, which is where did we learn that
[00:16:01] there’s a prime directive that mammals have mammals that are born, um, vulnerable. And that prime directive is okay.
[00:16:16] In that prime directive. Is that better? Um, can you hear me okay. We should, if I was being soft here, because this is a tender subject. So for me, um,
[00:16:35] being aware of the prime directive, I think has helped a lot of, of my unwinding. Some of the things that I was conditioned to be. So prime directive is what do I have to do and be, and not do and not be in order to keep from being abandoned and actually like left to die. It is a, it is a prime directive that, um, Mammals are born with and they, they start, they start figuring this out, even in utero, like, oh, I can tell by the stress chemicals in me that some IDNA starts responding, that this is not an actually loving, vibrant.
[00:17:19] We sing a song of love. It’s like stress and worry and conflict, a war even like are we’re adaptable. And so from the time that we’re conceived as mammals, we’re in this process. And so we’re born and, you know, uh, uh, I’m going to call it like most. Parents, not all parents. And I know that many of, many of us had parents that did not necessarily respond to us this way, but most parents are like, oh, they get this feeling, this feeling of intense love in them.
[00:18:02] And they, they find their own child incredibly beautiful. And there’s just this upwelling of emotion and energy. And the baby mammal responds by smiling and cooing and making eye contact and things like that. If that was not the case, um, you know, my mom loved me. I know, but she was incredibly worried and there was a part of me that kicked in, oh, for me, the sense of having to earn.
[00:18:42] Is, I need to make the conditions right enough for her that there’s something left over for me, which was very smart and very logical. Oh. So I was such a smart little, little baby, you know, and my mother said I was such a good baby. Like everyone was so yeah. You know what I was doing, I was earning some space.
[00:19:08] She was 20, 23 years old, had four older boys that were her adopt, you know, stepsons and, you know, uh, she, all of a sudden had me and 14 months later had my brother, can you see how, like, just the energetics set me up, my nature as being helpful, useful, like, it’s fundamental to me. It wasn’t just activated for that.
[00:19:35] But like that I think really goes to. If, if the ones that care for me are worried, stressed, whatever. Then my role is to show up and earn some space in their life. This chat is open. If this is evoke something for you, like where did you learn that? Yeah. And there’s other sides of that too. If your parents were very insecure and not sure of their place in the world, they might want you to perform a lot.
[00:20:12] They wouldn’t want to push you to either be good enough. So they felt good or so that you would survive well in the world. One of the things I love watching with, uh, Rick and gem with the baby at Dera is they’re not pushing her to talk like she’s. I bet she’s very good at communicating what she needs and they’re very good at interpreting.
[00:20:31] And I think a lot of families would be like, Nope, you don’t get it. Unless you use your words, like pushing her to achieve that versus letting her evolve at her own pace. Like I think I see a lot of families I’m related to somewhere. It’s like your violin violin lessons at four and French lessons at five.
[00:20:49] And like the kid is like constantly trying to being pushed to be something. So there’s different ways, different levels that might come out. Are we trying to make sure our parents are resourced enough to give us a little love? So a little bit spills back over us. Are we trying to perform and be like achieving our society is very achievement oriented.
[00:21:12] Um, there’s lots of different ways that we juggle that. Um, yeah. I love the pictures of the end of, uh, Rick’s emails too. I, I have to admit, I scroll, I scroll there first and read that part before I go back. To the, to the rest of the EMA, um, cause she’s adorable. But if you can tune into where did you learn this role that I have to earn love if you, if you want to share in the chat, that’s great.
[00:21:41] But when did, where did you learn this? Where, where is the, where did that come in? Um, and sometimes it’s not logical. If you hear your self thinking, this doesn’t make any sense. That’s beautiful. It’s a great place to grab it because our logical brain can out-think logical decisions. Our logical brain can not figure out the illogic illogical ones that formed by the, because the primitive brain was facing situations that didn’t understand.
[00:22:09] So if it, if you’re like this doesn’t really make sense. This is silly. Those are great ones to do some tapping on. Um, do you want to share from a chatter. Yeah, let’s, let’s do some, let’s just do some tapping and then we can, and if you’re new to tapping by chance you happen to be seeing this welcome, um, it’s an emotional technology we covered in our free guide@thrivingnow.com slash tapping.
[00:22:40] Even though I learned that, even though I learned it, that I have to earn that have to earn it or else or else, and that felt really scary. That felt so scary. Ah,
[00:23:02] I’m looking at it again now, looking at it again. Now top of the head don’t you have to earn low don’t. You have to earn love. I brown don’t you have to earn love don’t you have to earn side of the, I sure felt that way. It sure felt that way, but maybe that’s confusing. Maybe that’s confusing. Maybe that’s really a confused feeling.
[00:23:31] Maybe that’s a really a confused feeling. Sometimes my parents were not very generous, would love. Sometimes my parents were not very generous with them and I know some parents just don’t have it in them. And I know some parents just don’t have it in them and that’s really hard. And that’s really hard under the arm is feeling is really natural.
[00:23:56] Maybe it’s really natural. Maybe, maybe it’s more like air. Maybe it’s more like air and sunshine, sunshine. You have to earn your sunshine. Hey, don’t have to,
[00:24:14] I think. And one of the things that can feel really empowering is reminding our survival brain or reminding the part of us that believes this is that that belief was likely true. Many of us grew up in scarcity. We grew up with families. My parents had a lot of brokenness about them. They, they meant, well, they tried, but they’re, they weren’t resourced.
[00:24:36] They were exhausted. They were overwhelmed. They didn’t have the skills tapping didn’t exist back then they couldn’t get on the internet and Google what was going on. So. To that love was scarce. There wasn’t a lot of it. And it was metered out. Like they were so exhausted. It’s like you were only gonna use it as special treats to get people to do stuff.
[00:24:56] So just realizing that in that world, love was scarce. Love did have to be earned. And there were probably more areas I could have gotten loved, but I was very focused on trying to keep the parents, like Rick said, like trying to make sure they were functioning okay. Enough for, for the family. Um, but we don’t live for most, most of us don’t, aren’t stuck home with our parents anymore.
[00:25:19] Even if someone’s living with their parent to take care of them or whatever, it’s like, there’s the internet. There’s other people we’re not stuck in that world. When we’re little, the parents become the conduit of like there, they control access to other things. If they say, no, you don’t get to go to Susie’s house to spend the night or whatever it is, you’re, you’re kind of stuck in their world.
[00:25:41] So that belief may have been really true. And I think it’s important to realize and not put down the part of us that figured that out. Like, cause it was probably really true and we functioned as well as we could. But what if we’ve immigrated to a different country now, a different place where love is much more abundant and we can let go of some of that rigidity in that belief.
[00:26:05] Um, before we read the chat, um, I’m, I’m reading and I’m, I’m tenderly aware that, you know, when you take a group of, of people and we each had different upbringings, some in different generations, um, different cultures. I know that people will be watching this from the other side of the world where they’re currently not available for, for, for being on a live session.
[00:26:35] And I, as a, as a coach and the human. It’s sometimes helpful for me to separate out. Like, I think a lot of what the mystics and the philosophers have talked about very many different flavors of love, you know, from the romantic activation, um, to that kind of unconditional regard and, and, and love and many different, many, many, many different flavors.
[00:27:13] Um, it can be helpful. And one of the reasons Kathy and I, I think are bringing in breath and Sohn and maybe some, some food or your furry friend who, who really radiates a different attitude towards you than maybe other human beings that starting with a palpable feeling within it can be a spiritual feeling.
[00:27:45] If you are connected to the spirit in some way that your body responds to maybe when it’s in nature, maybe in meditation or prayer or dance or song that there’s a vibration within us that we can, we can tune into. And what I’d like to invite is, and even if you’re on the recording, I invite you to do this, to imagine that we’re just a small group in a circle.
[00:28:15] Okay. A small group and, um, kind of using our imagination, feeling the energy of a circle. And, and I’d like to invite the best that you’re aware of. If there’s some moment in nature that activates a feeling of like, oh, I love that. That’s that’s good for me. That’s important to me with your furry friend with a loved one.
[00:28:50] Oh, it’s stuffed animal with some tie, something that you feel safe and love. Yeah. And as we just do our best to tune into that feeling, as you’re aware of other people in the circle doing that, that there’s a light of vibration, a tone, and that you can feel that too, just in the same way that we can hear a song.
[00:29:18] You can hear my voice. Maybe you can feel the feeling that I got looking over at my daughter, standing on the stone steps with her fists in the air. It’s just looking, feeling so good in her being enough. Um,
[00:29:45] come back to what you’re attuned to.
[00:29:55] Yeah. And if you’d like, feel free to, to share what you’re noticing. Ah, and if you’re new to this, if it’s something that you haven’t done a lot of experience with it’s okay. What I, when I first started learning to feel things like this, uh, the question was, if you could, if you can’t, if you imagine you could feel it, what would it be like?
[00:30:22] Cause for some of us who’ve been tuned out of that awareness, I think we’re all aware, but when we’re little kids we’re, it’s not encouraged or reinforced, so we kind of tune it out. So if you could imagine what that felt like, what would, what would you imagine it would feel like is a perfectly good way to respond as well?
[00:30:42] I want to do a tapping on. Kind of the difference between someone unconditionally taking care of us, which is that part of bonding and attachment. And this vibration that we’re tuning to one of the vibrations of love, because if we. If we grew up without it, honestly, that part of me doesn’t feel very well met, you know?
[00:31:10] And, but it’s different than what we’re talking about with love. Like earning someone’s care and attention is, is I’m I’m offering that that’s different than walking around, feeling love as a vibration, as an energy, as something that we have access to. Does that make sense? Copy. Yeah, I think to me, it’s kind of like being out under the sun, feeling the sun radiating on my body versus being under fluorescent lamp.
[00:31:43] There’s just a different frequency and a different it doesn’t, I don’t get quite as nourished in the same way for us. The lights are kind of tiring to me. I still get light. Does that mean. Um, let’s see where it goes and feel free to tap along. If this feels right to you. Even though I really didn’t have the kind of loving attachment that I wanted as a child, even though I didn’t have that kind of loving attachment, I wanted as a child that I would have really thrived under that I would have really thrived under from one or both of them for one or both of them
[00:32:28] got that could be different than the kind of love we’re talking about. It could be different than the kind of love we’re talking about. I needed someone to tend to me. I needed someone to tend to me, eyebrow. I needed someone to be devoted and needed someone to be done with it. No matter what, no matter what that would’ve been really not.
[00:32:52] That would have been really natural, that would have been thriving, that would’ve been thriving and that would have helped me feel so securely attached that wouldn’t help me feel so securely attached. It wasn’t exactly it. Wasn’t exactly what I got.
[00:33:13] That’s a different kind of love. It’s a different kind of love. I want to feel love without having to earn up. I want to feel love without having. Uh,
[00:33:31] I think when you, w w when you were saying that it brought up to me, like I’ve had, uh, a physical therapist work on my shoulder or something like working on muscles versus someone who loved me working, like Rick gives amazing massages so that their muscles got moved. There was some actual physical tending that got done that was useful, but it didn’t feel as nurturing or as loving.
[00:33:56] They didn’t feel like there was that warmth and that investment. I think there’s an energy that we feel we receive as humans, or as any animal. We really thrive under this beautiful, like abundant loving, and I’ve someone shared. I was thinking I was confusing, love with approval. I think I had to be perfect for approval and approval.
[00:34:19] As we like approvals humans. We like people saying, atta boy, good job you way to go or whatever, but that can be done very distantly. And, and it can also be done with an investment in a caring about us, like with the Dera, just to go back to that example, she’s not yet speaking. She’s getting her needs met beautifully and she’s able to communicate what she wants very clearly.
[00:34:43] Um, but there is, there’s an approval of her beingness and a love for her. That doesn’t require her to act a certain way to get it. If that makes sense. There’s an approval of her overall beam, but it’s not a performance. She doesn’t have to speak full sentences or learn French to be loved. So I think that we long for that, there’s a difference.
[00:35:07] I just want to say that, like when she throws her food on the floor, I’m not feeling particularly approved. You still love her, but you’re not approving her. But there, you know, and I think that that’s one of the manipulations that a lot of parents fall into is this withholding. And you see this in adult relationships too.
[00:35:31] I mean, there are books written about like withholding yourself until, you know, and I don’t mean just sexually, I mean like naked, make yourself hard to get, um, hard to get, you know, this sense of being, um, connected and it’s, it’s a strategy. I think so many people are, um, Are recovering. Like I, I was loved, but I was not loved in the way that my, my fundamental thriving self really benefits from just to say, um, and the gap there, there’s a recovery process and that’s why we feel that the subject as tender as it can be.
[00:36:21] If we can move it, as Kathy said, I just want to re I want to re amplify that I have to earn, earn, puts it in an exchange, a tit for tat I do this. And I get that. Like, that’s a terrible strategy for, for relationships that are, um, like can or closer lover ships and kinships. The idea that it’s a, an ex, uh, a mercantile exchange is, is a terrible strategy.
[00:36:53] That’s like gets people doing 50% of the dishes and they count the number of forks. I know people like this, honestly, um, uh, rather than being there with your full self. And so the more that we can tell. Love and relating. And co-creating out of the realm of like, um, earning, I think our relationships change just to five or 10% changes, like, oh, what do I get to express of myself?
[00:37:29] Right. And that doesn’t mean we can’t have boundaries. So like, you know, if I don’t want to do the dishes, I can say, I don’t want to do the dishes. Let’s, you know, let’s order food in, or you can do the dishes, we can trade with each other, but that’s different than the love. And just doing things for you.
[00:37:47] Even though I’ve been punished and love relationships, punished and love. When I didn’t do what they want, when I didn’t do what they wanted, they weren’t going to give me what I needed. They weren’t going to give me what I needed. They made that really painfully clear. They made that really painfully clear.
[00:38:06] I had to earn it. I had to earn it all. Love comes from a store,
[00:38:18] amazon.love eyebrow. What do I have to do? Why do I have to do, what do I have to pay? I have to sacrifice. Why do I have to sacrifice to get, to get loud?
[00:38:37] That’s a big one. That’s a big one. And I’m in the process of re-examining this I’m in the process of reexamining this, do I feel the most loving when it’s an exchange? Well, do I feel most loving when it’s an exchange, you know, where someone’s really earned or someone’s really earned it. Yeah. Fetch kiddie package, kitty fetched.
[00:39:07] Yeah. There is a sense of returning around where people feel like I’ve earned your love, your I’m entitled to your love. And then I feel obligated and I don’t feel very loving versus if I’m doing something. And I really love the relationship Rick and I have where it’s like, yeah, I don’t. We were supposed to work on Monday night and do some project we were working on and he was really tired and he’s told me.
[00:39:28] Versus if he had felt obligated to show up and do the work, I would have felt his energy. We both would have been more depleted from it versus him just saying, yeah, I don’t want to do this tonight. Let’s reschedule. And I was like, oh great. Okay. And we rescheduled. And most of the time when we meet it’s, it can also somewhere deadline.
[00:39:47] It’s very easy and flowy. And like, I leave feeling more nourished and loved than when I started. Versus if we were both there out of obligation, kind of forcing our way through, which is, I think how a lot of people live their lives. Like even I do a lot of work with people around sexual shame. It’s like, yeah, I did.
[00:40:07] I gave him a blow job. Therefore he owes me that. So I’m like, did you enjoy giving the blowjob? Like, no, I just did it. So I would get that. I’m like, But it doesn’t sound very fun for anybody. Like why don’t you just be with your body and notice what feels good and like find an exchange that feels like I help them work through some of the blocks around that because so many of us are stuck in these relationships where we’re muscling through to try to get this love that we’ll be given begrudgingly because it’s now obligated.
[00:40:37] And that just feels so bad. Uh,
[00:40:44] love and earning it and all that that’s meant to me and all that that’s meant to me earning love and all that that’s meant to me, that’s meant to me all that I’ve expected others to do that I’ve expected others to do
[00:41:08] all that I’ve expected myself to do, expected myself to do. I had to didn’t I all that they expected me to do that they expected me to do. I really want to clean up this energy. I really want to clean up this energy under the eye. And if this is true for you, I enjoy. I am loving. I enjoy the feeling of love.
[00:41:36] I enjoy the feeling of love. I enjoy that feeling of connection, that feeling of connection.
[00:41:45] And sometimes I do things and sometimes I do things and it makes it easier for others and it makes it easier for them not even love what I do love what they do. Yeah. But is that the actual love, but is that the actual love?
[00:42:06] Like if, if somebody is stressed and you cry and you do something, that’s an act of service, which is a love language. Right. And you’re doing it because, you know, it feels good to you to do. And in and of itself, that’s a complete act of love. Like I’m taking care of this. It’s an act of love. You can allow yourself to feel the love that’s embodied and you doing that act of service.
[00:42:37] And if that makes it easier for someone else to show up with more energy and less distraction, and they can feel a little softer and a little jucier in, in your world. Awesome. You know, we, we do things with each other. I think that one of the things about, um, getting it out of the earning and more into the expression side of love is, well, I get to, I don’t have to an essential part of an emotional freedom as Kathy says is you get to opt out.
[00:43:16] There’s. I, I, my muscle there is so strong. If you said, well, you have to do this before you go to bed.
[00:43:29] Uh, it has so much fun throwing all the dishes in the trash can like my rebel, my rebellion. I wouldn’t have to go that far probably, but you can feel like, oh no, there’s like layers of boundary around half too, which creates a different kind of dynamic. We’re not, we’re not subconsciously doing all of this earnings stuff, which creates this balance that never, you know, never eat.
[00:43:58] Nobody feels very good about well, and I think a lot of it’s unspoken. So like, if I’ve agreed, like we have this unspoken agreement that I will do X, Y, Z to. ABC from you. And I do X, Y, Z, but she didn’t really understand the, those rules or you don’t feel like doing it now. I feel resentment and oh, I did. I paid you the claim.
[00:44:18] Where’s my stuff. And you’re like, huh? I thought you were doing that. Cause you love me. And you’re like, no, I do love you, but you’re only, um, there’s a lot of, they can just make a very tangled mess. All the owe me all the only owe me, you owe me. Uh, I owe them. I just love obligation. I just love obligation.
[00:44:51] It’s a sexy, I need, I really want to get the obligation out of this. I really do want to get the obligation out of this and the earning pressure and the earning pressure. Not everyone is oriented that way. Everyone’s oriented that way.
[00:45:13] There are definitely people that, um, just energetically and logistically, there’s a very clear expectation of this kind of tit for top. Like if, if I do this, then you’re going to do this by do this. You’re going to do that. And I know we’re weird, like we’re saying no. Um, how about if we structure it differently?
[00:45:37] And as adults, hopefully consenting adults, we can say, Hey, you know, there are things that, that, um, that definitely make it easier for me to feel sexy, for example, or snugly, for example. And there are things that if they’re still present, I’m going to be distracted by them. And this is, you know, I’m looking inside myself.
[00:45:59] I’m not punishing anyone for not doing the dishes by not being, um, available. Like, I think that that’s a self-awareness thing on how we’re, how we withhold if we’re not getting paid, um, for that. Right. But there it’s a different level of conversation. I’m not saying that everyone’s ready for it, but I appreciate so much that we’re here exploring us tonight.
[00:46:25] Uh, you know, in this session, this real skill, because I do believe it’s a real skill that leads to thriving that we take the earning love, earning sex, earning attention out of it. It doesn’t mean that we can’t fashion exchanges as part of love relationships. And I don’t actually feel very loved or loving if I am doing it to earn it.
[00:46:52] Cause I’m, as I’m feeling into this myself, how about for you guys? Do you actually feel loving if you’re doing it to earn something? No, I feel more desperate. Like I’m trying to pull from the universe what I need or this person, what I need. Um, and I think you are desperate even though I feel kind of desperate, even though I feel kind of desperate.
[00:47:17] I’m trying so hard to earn this love. I am trying so hard to earn this love and I keep throwing coins at the person. Keep throwing points up a person and not getting the love I need and then not getting the actual love I need. I feel so desperate. I can get really desperate. I really need some love right now.
[00:47:41] I really need love right now, side of the eye. And I’m pulling at that person as hard as I know how I can. I am pulling at that person as hard as I know how under the eye and trying so hard to earn that love buying so hard to earn their love under the nose. Maybe they don’t like it when I pulled that way, maybe they don’t like it when I pull that way or maybe they don’t have it together.
[00:48:06] 10, maybe their tanks are empty right now. Maybe their tanks are empty right now or permanently collarbone. When I was little, I can only turn to my parents when I was little. I could only turn to them under the arm, but now I can turn to lots of different people. All right. I can turn to lots of different people or at least my world is bigger.
[00:48:27] Lots of people doesn’t seem accurate. Yeah, I do have other. I do have other options. Yeah. And just, if you take a breath, I think that someone shared in the chat, both my PR for both of my parents, they got this earning love thing. My mom was very anxious and worried, and my dad used to use a lot of guilt. I definitely felt, felt like I needed to be a certain way for each of them.
[00:48:53] The thing is, I don’t think we’re going to get those rid of the, like some of those people we may not be able to use. Um, they may not be able to shift or see a different way of being so like my mother I’m most favorite daughter right now because I helped her with some scary finances for her. So like she’s very, very approving and happy and loving towards me and her tanks get very low.
[00:49:15] And I know that that’s not. Um, that’s like a stick, so to speak, like the loving, easy relationship we have right now, I try very hard to take care of myself around that. I, when I like, sometimes I’ll, I’ll line up Rick to talk after I talked to her or I’ll, I’ll reach out to another friend to just kind of like rebalance myself after her.
[00:49:38] I, so I think we’re going to have people in our lives that are still doing this. And I don’t know that there’s a way to like be in this pure own circle where we’re just surrounded by people that understand we can just love each other and have choice. But I do think we can, we can train our system to get love multiple places.
[00:49:55] I think that there’s a taste. Um, for me, like there are certain people that identified with safety and I really wanted that flavor of love and my subconscious, my inner children, whenever. Must get it from that person and then I’ll be safe because of that. I was little. That was true. Um, and now I’m like, okay, I get that.
[00:50:14] You want chocolate flavored love from that particular person, but let’s try strawberry flavor blood from this person, have a bite. See if it helps you feel a little more filled up and like kind of. Slowly helped my system be more acclimated to lots of sources of love. And then if I get some lovely chocolate, that’s great, but I, you know, I’m strawberry and Kiwi and you know, no brussel sprouts please, but you know, you can, you can pick and choose.
[00:50:40] So I think the more we expose ourselves to different kinds of love and it can be really hard at first there’s some are our primitive brain may have latched onto that. Like the only source of love when we were little was mom or dad or this particular energy, and we have to get that to feel safe. Um, there can be a lot of pull for that particular thing and just being compassionate, understanding that that was life or death at that point, our survival brain does understand that if we can’t get our parents to take care of us, we’re often going to die.
[00:51:11] It’s not pretend die. It’s like our brain knows that we’re hiding a food if we don’t have parents or care of some kind. So just having compassion for ourselves, like I know you want that kind of love. Let me give you some of my love instead. Let’s try finding other people we can share little bits of love with, as we’ve learned to have different flavors.
[00:51:33] Let’s pause there for a second. Yeah. So, um, we’d like to get a seven minute break in the middle of the workshop and that’s what we’re going to do right now. And we’ll come back at half past. If you’re on the recording, we invite you to take care of yourself, um, as well. So we’ll come back in seven minutes and get started again and consider whether you’d like to do tapping with us and either drop that in the chat or raise your hand.
[00:51:55] Otherwise, Kathy I’ll continue. Yeah. Thank you.
[00:52:02] I’ll come back.
[00:52:08] So, um, and again, if you want to raise your hand, feel free to do so under reactions, it’s down at the bottom there under dot, dot dot on the phone.
[00:52:22] So one of the, one of the ways when you’re doing topping, um, you’re trying to move in a direction like, whoa, what if I don’t have to earn love? What if that’s not actually true? What if Love’s a more like air on sun? And it’s a vibration that I can tune myself to either through receiving from. Whatever sources of love are available to me.
[00:52:46] Um, or by expressing that into, into the atmosphere, into a relationship into my home, into my body. Um, so as as that, you know, that to me is. That particular, those particular flavors of love. If we can tap into them, it helps us be more calm and confident, one of our real skills, and it helps us to be able to co-create.
[00:53:19] So if I come into this workshop and I’m really trying to get from you guys, my love needs met. That would feel very different. So what I did during the time beforehand, as I, you know, I, I laid down, I felt gravity holding may the, the couch holding me. I had a little homemade, one little homemade chocolate that my partner had made and put it in a little tiny container for me.
[00:53:46] Um, little things that allowed me to fill my, my vibration up. Now, the other side of that is like, well, if I stopped trying to earn love. What’s going to happen and it doesn’t have to be true to be a fear, be a fear, to be a block, to be something that even if you’re doing an act of service or quality time together, another love language, um, that like, if you’re holding onto this yes.
[00:54:27] But if I’m not doing the things and being the thing that earned me love then, so there’s like this constant tension. And a lot of times I didn’t even, I wasn’t even aware of how much tension I would hold around this. And even now as I, um, as I think about like, and you can ask yourself the question, okay, If I don’t try at least to earn love then why?
[00:54:56] Well, if he didn’t have to earn love, what if it was just there for you? What comes up for you? Yeah, that might, my question is a little different as I, either one. Um, my question is, if you, if this is a thing for you and you stopped what arises in you as a feeling, or as a thought.
[00:55:25] I don’t keep earning love or trying to earn love. And, and again, it doesn’t have to be logical. There might be part of you like, oh, I won’t get any here. How do I know it’s love? Or how do I have control over it? Or. Where and how would I get it if I wasn’t trying to earn it,
[00:55:50] if I’m not trying to earn love, then I’ll just be alone. Like our bodies also get used to a certain chemical mix. So people that have had a lot of trauma, there’s actually that roller coaster of adrenaline and cortisol and all that, that there’s kind of a craving for it. After a while our body gets kind of addicted to the highs and lows and the same thing, if we’re so addicted to the dopamine and the adrenaline rush of like, am I going to get it?
[00:56:17] It’s almost like gambling. Did I earn enough? Did I do enough? Did I do enough? Oh, good. The up and down. So like stepping off the rollercoaster can feel really weird. The quietness is just like, wait, what’s happening.
[00:56:38] If I don’t earn love, then I’ll be alone. I’ll never have it. It won’t come to me. It won’t stay. I have to always be Ernie at Torah. It won’t stay one thing that I noticed coming up for me, cause I’ve not seen, um, other people shares, uh, like I feel like some part of me feels like I’m barely tolerated right now.
[00:57:07] Like people barely putting up with me. And if I stop earning that, if I stopped trying to keep ahead, they’ll see how worthless I am or I’ll just be dumped. Um, so I noticed that thought like, oh, well, if I stopped trying to earn it, then. I’ll just slide off the back and no one will ever talk to me again.
[00:57:27] They’ll like, oh my God, who is that person? Um, so whatever those are, like, they don’t have to be logical. A lot of the, our beliefs are formed by the time we’re. I think 80% are formed by the time we’re five. We don’t have a lot of experiences in the world where making up the best beliefs we can make out of the pieces we’re given,
[00:57:49] even though I’m convinced I’ll be alone. Okay. Even though I’m convinced I’ll be alone. If I don’t earn love, if I don’t earn love, that may have something to do with the people I’ve loved. It may have something to do with the people that have left. Part of me is convinced, but part of me is convinced if I stop earning it, if I stop earning it, they’ll leave.
[00:58:16] Don’t leave. That doesn’t feel good. That doesn’t feel good. That feels really stressful. That feels really so stressful side of the eye that might even make love hard. Might even make love hard. It’s hard for me to feel loved. It’s hard for me to feel if I feel I’m laboring for a, if I feel like I’m laboring for it another day in the salt mines, they in the soft lanes, earning my love for the day, my love for the day,
[00:58:55] it really needed in different paradigms. I really need a different paradigm. I’d like to make love easier. I’d like to make love easier for us. Facilitate it for us, make it easier for me, make it easier for me, eyebrow, make it easier for, we make it easier for we. What if we’re all tired of earning love, what if we’re all tired of earning laws can be really tiring?
[00:59:29] Can we really tiring and terribly scary, terribly scary. And I’m sure that puts others complete ladies.
[00:59:40] I want to feel how terrified I am that if I don’t earn their love, terrify them, I’m not reading their love, but they’re just going to leave because they’re only in it for what, for what I do for that, for what I do to them do for that,
[01:00:02] you’ll notice I, I, I brought in an energy. So the difference between earning it and making it easy. I’ve I’ve alluded to it before, but let’s like, where do we stand? If we’re not earning love from one another, then, then what are the things that make love easier? So, for example, if I love that you’re here.
[01:00:30] Uh, Kevin I’m. So I love that we’re doing, getting to do this together. It takes, it takes so much pressure off to know that I’ve got a co-creator and, you know, I really love that. And you’re like, oh no, Rick, it’s really just my honor to like, can you feel the deflection? Just like, oh, thank you. I really love that.
[01:00:55] Yeah. So like, we can make love easier to exchange by not actively withholding or, um, feeling like we need to slather someone, you know, with, with something, earn it that way. But there’s sometimes when I’m trying to earn love, I’ll have a script and that really makes it hard. So it’s like I have in my head that I’m going to have Rick come over, I’m going to make him this really nice dinner and he’s going to really appreciate it.
[01:01:25] And Juana he’ll want to hug me and say how much he loves me versus what reality might be. He comes over and he’s like, oh, I already ate. And now I’m like, ah, no, you have to eat this food that I made you so that I can get the love as opposed to like, just allowing ourselves to be together. And like be with the moment, rather than trying to know you have to eat this because I need the love that I thought I was going to get.
[01:01:48] We just, I think that gets rigid. Um, and I do think there’s ways we can make it easier. I like the idea of the analogy of the sun. If I sit inside my house with all the windows and doors closed, it’s hard for me to get the warmth and love from the sun. Right. I actually have to go out. Where the sun can be on my skin.
[01:02:09] Um, so like, I think for, I tend to be shy. So if I don’t have a buddy to go with, I might go, I can’t go, I’m sorry, I’m going to shy. Um, but that really kept me limited. And I had to kind of say, okay, well, I’m going to go for a half hour and meet some people. I had to be out where the sun, where I was exposed to people.
[01:02:27] And I had to start showing who I was to them. Cause I was very shy. I would like kind of sit there kind of quiet and it was hard for them to connect with me. So I think there is, there are things we can do. Like it’s a different kind. It’s not earning it. It’s being exp like letting ourselves be exposed to it, opening ourselves up to it is different than like I have to earn it.
[01:02:47] I have to perform or be, or do something as opposed to, oh, if I want some sunshine, it really does help. If I leave the house. If I want friendships and connections, it really helps if I show up to places like this or meet ups or someplace where I can actually connect with people, oh, someone brought up that, you know, that.
[01:03:09] If we notice in our relationships that we fall into this caretaking and earning love by doing a lot of emotional labor, we can acknowledge that, oh, if that’s a dynamic that’s strong in me that I, that is so sexy to someone who wants someone to like take care of them. Like it is like that’s w we had a stray cat break into a garage, and my, my partner has herbs and found the one bag of cat nap.
[01:03:46] Right? So like, if there’s a thousand people and this person really wants someone who’s just going to attend to their needs and always have that little drive, even if they’re exhausted to do you’re the you’ll be like cat. Right. And, and I, I recognize that in myself and every time I’ve shifted it a bit more, the, the connections that I have have a lot less stress and a lot more mutuality, they may not be as intense because I may not be trying so hard, um, to.
[01:04:27] But there’s, there’s an ease. That’s what I look for. I look for mutuality and he is that people are, are capable of noticing, um, like, well, what makes me more vibrant? You know, vibrating with love. Like if, if I say something like, I don’t know what to make for dinner and somebody else makes dinner, I have so much more resource.
[01:04:58] Now. If neither of us have that, then you know, it’s going to be harder to feel that tending. But if I’m the type of person and I’m grateful that I’m not, that would notice that, oh, all I have to do is get all stressed out and then this person jumps to meet my need. Um, and there’s, there’s never a recalibration consciously.
[01:05:23] It doesn’t have to be Machiavellian. It can just be like, that’s humans. We are late. We often really like somebody else to do everything for us. And we sometimes adopt strategies that aren’t very useful, subconsciously even. Yeah, absolutely. That’s what I meant subconsciously. It’s not. Yeah. Even though I’ve been taken advantage of, even though I have been taken advantage of, and I take advantage of myself and didn’t take advantage of myself feeling like I need to earn love by feeling like I needed to earn love with some people that just seems the way it is with some people that just feels like the way it is.
[01:06:05] And some people, it doesn’t even matter what you do to earn it. Some people, it doesn’t even matter what you did here. Yeah, that’s the way you want it. I would really like more easier. I would really like more ease here with myself and with others, myself and with others. What can we do to make it a little easier?
[01:06:30] What can we do to make it a little easier?
[01:06:36] Um, when you said with, I think different people have different things they can give at different times, and I’m thinking of a cat where they, they like to lay in the sun and if the sun shifts, they’ll just move with the sun or they’ll move to a different window, like, can we be that flexible? Do we get, I think we get attached to getting the sunshine a certain way, as opposed to like, huh, there’s no sun at this window.
[01:07:00] Let me go check on their windows. Let me go. Where can I find that, that abundance? And also when I’m giving love to people, one of the most important things you can do is build the skill of saying, is this what I want to do for me? So if I’m doing a loving thing, if I give someone a massage because it’s pleasurable for me or someone, a blow job, cause it’s pleasurable for me, I’m getting nourished and resourced while I’m doing it or cooking dinner or whatever it is.
[01:07:28] If it’s a yes for me to do it and I do it, then there’s not that expectation back. I’m already, like I had pleasure in giving and there are times when the trash needs to go out or the dishes need to get washed where we’re kind of like, I don’t always find joy in that I have to say, but I try to find joy in the things I’m doing that are a choice.
[01:07:48] And. Today for half, two hours, I sat on the couch and watch go whitewater gold mining show. It was very silly. It was very dangerous. I was like, thank God. I’m not doing that. But that’s what my, my body just wanted to relax for a couple hours and not work. And I had that space to do that. So like, just checking in with yourself, what feels right to me right now.
[01:08:11] And even having the scale to say, you know, I told you I’d do that, but I checked it again and I don’t, it doesn’t feel like yes to me. What other options do we have or I don’t want to cook dinner anymore. Do you want to order in, or do you want sandwiches? Those are your choices for me. If you have some other option you want to cook great, but like just being more flexible with ourselves and not so like we have to achieve something to get that love and giving, uh, building the muscle of checking in with ourselves that pause.
[01:08:39] Rick did a beautiful call on that. Can I pause and just checking with myself, can I allow the other person to pause and check in with themselves? Am I getting sunlight with, from a lot of places? So if that person says, no, I don’t feel like I’m in a barren desert anymore.
[01:09:01] So
[01:09:07] the most complicated places where we get into these dances are with other human beings usually. And, uh, we’re one. So, um, I, I’m going to kind of go back to, if there is a way for you to start attuning yourself. That there’s like, I believe that this crystal, it was given to me by Kathy. So that’s one way, but even just as a gift from the universe of a very interesting, interesting thing, and it was found by someone and, and crafted into something that I have on my desk here, that by holding it and noticing and allowing my body to attune to its, its essence.
[01:10:13] I, for me, my spiritual reality is that the essence of creation is love. It’s a feeling though, not necessarily an act or actions, but it’s a feeling and it’s a feeling that’s. That you can tune to with anything that’s been created, including a relationship that we have, or a human being, or, um, an, uh, piece of art, art, anything, anything that you respond to that you can attend to it, there’s an energy there.
[01:10:55] And the more facile that we get with the us, the more that when in our human relations, it isn’t easy, or it doesn’t feel as mutual as we’d like it to be that we’re not left without that vibration, because I, I believe we’ve all kind of felt today that as soon as you start getting into, well, I don’t have that feeling.
[01:11:20] I better earn it. Like it’s an empty wallet. It’s not an empty wallet. It’s certainly a feeling of nourishment and connection that I believe our essence needs retuning to. Um, pretty often for me, I don’t know how it is for everyone else, but like, I,
[01:11:41] I have a guitar that comes out of tune after every, every song. So, um, so I’ve had to learn how to reconnect that way over and over and over and over again. And. Um, as soon as I fall into that, I need to earn this. I’m hungry. I’m I, and I need to earn it. Um, I’m grateful that right now, my, my feeling of that has dropped from an eight to about a, a two, three, and I’m really attuned to, well, yeah, I do things that make it easier.
[01:12:22] There are things that I approve of meaning that they’re congruent with who I am and what I stand for and what I want in my world. Um, including being, having some capacity for emotional labor for us. I think that’s a really great thing. Um, I think a lot of our view, if you’ve had pets in your life, you know that there are times and you’re like, oh, you’ve gotta be kidding.
[01:12:46] It’s three in the morning and rating, you need to go for awhile. And we do it. Um, not because that’s congruent for us. That’s that’s can be hard, but it’s not damaging to our circuitry. I do believe that trying to earn love is a kind of way that our nervous system gets tuned to, to a very different energy, the energy of commerce and tit for tat and exchange, but not even in the good way it would be like, if something.
[01:13:21] If, if you were really thirsty and someone had lots of water, but they’re going to charge you everything you’ve got for that drink of water, there was some B you might do it, but it would feel really gross compared to like, oh, I’ve got plenty here. Just sip it. Take your time. There’s more like, to me, love is more akin to an abundance of thirst, quenching energy.
[01:13:48] Even if it doesn’t look like sex or, or that’s not available, that are our core essential nature can be met, but it’s not going to be met. If that makes any sense. I love in when a recommended study done, we went and trained with some people for cuddle party facilitating. They talked about the relationship between two people as a third entity like that, they would say, what is the quality of like, how was the relationship doing the relationship between two people?
[01:14:20] And I, when I think of the we space. Yeah. Um, and I think of like, if I’m doing something out of love and generosity, I’m filling that balloon of the, we space with like this generous, warm, sunshine love. And if I’m doing something out of obligation, I’m kind of filling out with wet paper. Um, is there something in there, but it’s not really GC or Monday and there’s times when I’ve been putting things in and the other, person’s just not returning it.
[01:14:48] And I get to decide like with a small child or a pet, then maybe that’s I felt, I feel like a lot of love comes back from Madeira or my pets, but, um, like. Is that we spaced feeling really balanced and good. Are you just putting it in and hoping that something will come out or you piling and things out of obligation or despair, and maybe there’s other relationships spaces you could fill up.
[01:15:12] And I think that humans flourish when we have a lot of different spaces where we’re exchanging love and support, we’re really built for our community. We’re really our survival brain feels safe. I feel safe. It’s when I have a number of people that I know I can turn to. And then if Rick’s busy with a deer, I can call another friend for support.
[01:15:33] So I think when we start training ourselves to be looking at the quality of energy that we’re putting into the new space and the quality of energy that’s coming back, and there’s always fluctuations. There’s like Rick was really tired yesterday and we didn’t talk until late in the day. It’s fine. If I could have done something for him, if I lived closer, I would have like scooped up the baby so he could rest his head.
[01:15:54] But like, you know, there’s, there’s fluctuations, but overall what’s the balance of this. Do I feel like it’s a really good fit or could I invest some of my loving energy and time and space with someone else?
[01:16:10] You wouldn’t have any final questions? Um, we’re not going to open it up for volunteers at this point with only five minutes left, but I, I do appreciate the energetic connection that I’m feeling. And, uh, um, the topic is a dear one for me. Um, I want, I want to live in a world where there’s emotional freedom for all emotional freedom to me is grounded in that access to that vibration and that there is something sacred about being able to share it in a we space as we are.
[01:16:44] Now for me, I feel it, um, in other we spaces that we have, and also to feel the savvy, to be able to attune to it with other, other doorways to that energy. Um, so, and to recognize, oh, I’m actually in earning mode. Um, yeah, pause. Yeah. I’m thinking that this will earn me some love and I’ll be a little ridiculous, right?
[01:17:17] Like I, I think this is going to earn me some loving others. That’s just what the notion of that would be. So repulsive. Oh, she would kick your butt, earn, earned some loving. Um, and I’m, I’m grateful that that wouldn’t, isn’t her style. Um, but like, oh, I liked making it easier for me, uh, to, and for the we to have more love, energy and fuel to do the things that we’re also looking at here, pausing and confidence saying, and finding essential comforts.
[01:17:57] I think in that as central comforts workshop that we did, um, you can find it@thrivingnow.center, uh, central comforts, just search for it in that one. I, that energy of allowing ourselves to attuned to something that comforts us is the feeling of. Oh, yeah. I think there’s a, um, someone was sharing that they feel so exhausted, not a balance in their relationships.
[01:18:26] And I do think that’s a sign. They’re not like the practice of just stopping and going. Huh? What kind of, what am I giving right now? And this that’s a muscle that many of us don’t have, and it’s okay if you’re awkward or you can only do it once in a while. Or when I first started doing it be three days later and I’m like, oh, that’s what I was doing.
[01:18:45] Uh, but just realize if you’re noticing at all, you have an awareness that a lot of people don’t have. A lot of people are just on that. They’re just on that treadmill trying to earn that love and they’re not stopping or even realizing there’s another way. Um, and someone asks me, can I talk about the pleasing people?
[01:19:04] So I love to please people that not. A problem. If I’m doing it to try to earn something, then that does not work very well, energetically or emotionally for me, because I’m kind of manipulative. And also if I’m doing things that aren’t really a yes. So Kathy has mentioned that a number of times that, um, if we’re doing something that’s a, yes, that it’s self-contained as a yes.
[01:19:32] Then someone can’t take advantage of us by like making us earn it. Right. Because, well, that was the yesterday. And that was a yes for me. I’m going from VSTS. Yes. I’m actually feeling pretty good. Oh, you don’t want to do this. I just have three yeses in a row. I may need to take a break. Um, you, you, you stay in your yes.
[01:19:58] And again, like I did mention. There are times when our yes is hard because we may not have the energy, but a yes, for me of like taking care of a screaming child or changing a diaper on her when she really just apparently wants to kick her legs in all directions simultaneously while arching her back and grabbing a hold.
[01:20:22] Um, so like for me to do that as hard and. I stand for good hygiene for my daughter. And so like, I can stand in that, um, and not expect something back from her, but she’s not earning, I’m not earning love from her by taking care of her diaper. I’m standing in a different place. I think that we can look at our life.
[01:20:53] Are doing some caretaking, which humans need at times. Um, it’s when we fall into that, oh, I have to please be pleasing to this person and meet all of their needs or else, right? Yeah. I think like I’d love to make waiters or waitresses. Cause I used to do it, the job, and I know it’s tough. I love to make them smile and I like to like compliment them.
[01:21:16] And, but I don’t have to do that if I’m in a really quiet mood, I don’t, I owe them politeness. I interacted with scream at them, but you know, there’s days when I’m like, wow, that was delicious. Thank you so much. Your service was amazing and I love seeing their face light up, but I’m doing it just because I have the abundance to do that.
[01:21:33] And I’m not expecting anything different from them. It’s I like to see their face be happy, but there’s other days when I’m just really quiet and I’m like, thanks so much. And just go back to my work and I might be talking or something. So I think the pleasing to get something is different from pleasing to speak.
[01:21:50] It’s fun to see someone’s face down, getting a chance to express your nature in a way that hopefully is mutually enjoyable. And if it’s not you recalibrate. Yeah. Thank you, Kathy. Thank you all for being, yeah. Thank you for being here, Rick. I love what you shared and thank you for being the kind of people that want to learn about this.
[01:22:10] Cause I think that as we get this awareness, we start walking through the world different and we role model it for people too. So this is very, it’s very dear and precious to me that you are here learning this and maybe you’ve heard it before, but hearing it again is always important. So, um, you’re welcome to stop by thriving now.center.
[01:22:29] It’s our free community center, where we engage and explore and go deeper on these as well. So thank you, Cathy. Thank you all bye for now.

We covered…

  • Checking in with how true it feels to us, that we have to EARN love?
  • Where did we learn this?
  • How does it show up in our lives?
  • Using EFT Tapping to shift the energy from earning to other ways of accessing the feeling of love from nature, from pets, from art, from ourselves, from spirit, from and with other humans.

Resources Mentioned

  1. Free EFT Tapping Guide

  2. Thriving Now Emotional Freedom Circle

Great to have you on this journey with us!

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Just gna put this out as a comment whilst I’m viewing the recording so I don’t forget…! Yeah I do feel like Rick is a little on the soft side, whilst Cathy is a little loud. Would help if there’s volume balance to it!
(P.s. oh it’s fixed afterwards in the video so all’s good!)

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Yeah, getting volume balance is hard. I had asked Cathy to boost her volume before the session because I couldn’t really hear her but it made it too loud by contrast with mine. We’ll get there!
Rick

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Understandable! It’s hard and I acknowledge that challenge, especially with 2 hosts! Regardless of tech difficulties, I’m always grateful for these life-altering content that’s so accessible for us :wink:

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Wonderful session. Thank you, @Rick and @Cathy! Ive definitely been aware of my belief that i need to earn love, but what was new for me was the practice of feeling into my body to identify where this lives and what it feels like to just sit in the feelings of worthiness. The cat teacher examples resonated with me. I learn so much about how to just exist from cats. I also liked the examples Cathy raised about doing things that you truly enjoy so that it is not so much an exchange where you expect something back, but more of a win win (and loved the sex positive examples). Very helpful on my I’m lovable journey. :heart:

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The session has helped me, too, feel more alive in the win-win of acts of service as part of my lovescape right now. It helped shift the dynamic.

My sense is that it is easy to be pulled back into the cultural notion of earning love through being and doing what others want. It sorta ends up being passive-aggressive so often, or tinged with resentment over time. It also leads to the expectation of “mind reading” – “I did all this for you without asking, you should do what I need without me needing to ask!”

Ugh.

I like it different than that. :heavy_heart_exclamation:

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