Comfort or Solutions?

When a person has spent their entire schooling life being asked questions with an expectation that they will know the answer – to solve the problem – it’s understandable we’d bring that to “problems” brought to us by a child, by a partner, a co-worker, and by Life.

It cheers me to see exchanges like this shared as memes. It opens the door to the possibility – and many cases the likelihood – that what a person engaging with us most is asking for is…

Something other than problem solving

  • Asking what they are wanting is Useful.
  • Getting good at comfort (co-regulation) is Useful.
  • Exploring Adaptations (possible solutions) is Useful.
  • Helping support their Clarity and future Inspired Actions is Useful.

Can you tell I love being Useful? :wink:

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My first reaction when I read “Do you want comfort or solutions” activated a bit of annoyance. I felt like if I didn’t say I wanted solutions then I wasn’t trying to help myself, I just wanted to whine. I don’t think that is what the meme meant. Yes it is a caring question but it is so foreign to how anyone I know (besides you and those of us in the circle) communicate that it makes me a bit uncomfortable. It activates a thought of someone saying do you want to fix it or continue to complain? Then they walk away if given the wrong answer.

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Yep! That has been the culture.

If we’re going to change the culture – in a relationship or family or community – there’s going to be awkwardness and explaining.

I find myself sad imagining that the only “reason” we share with one another is to be “fixed.” That it’s complaining when we’re hurting about something that actually doesn’t HAVE a fix!

I want to change that, and “comfort or solutions” is a shorthand for people who sorta already “get it” in my mind. If what I am needing is something like “Hey, are you in a place where I can feel out loud with someone who cares about me for a few minutes? I’m not wanting solutions right now, just to share and see how the situation changes in the sharing with a listening friend? Does that work for you?”

Truly, cultivating such kinship is really important for my thriving. I love solutions, and sometimes I just need to gripe for a minute and then it is better for me. Having someone say, “Yeah, I hear how upsetting that is for you. Love you” is what I really need.

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Interesting. I felt the defensiveness immediately too. I can see how it would come off as judgey. Does require an agreement and understanding to be useful for me. I also think that I usually welcome both comfort and solutions, even if I mostly need one over the other. It’s not an either or need for me. I do feel unseen and experience other unmet needs if I am just getting pure solutions without the comfort. Hmmmm. Never enough comfort if you ask me!

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Maybe that’s a key bit of wisdom. We start with the assumption of definitely listening, comfort – calm, confident presence with what’s alive for the other person. Co-regulation.

And the solutions part might be an offer, once co-regulation is present.

Would it be helpful for you to explore options together, or do you feel complete?

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I have often used something like “Would you like some feedback or do you just need me to listen?”

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A post was split to a new topic: Listening Partnerships