The PAUSE
I admit I have a tendency to co-trigger. What can we at least PLAN to offer when we’re co-triggered?
A pause.
Wouldn’t that be sweet? Or at least less traumatic?
I used to say things like “Stop!” Or, “I need to leave and take care of myself.” Uhh, those seemed to pretty effectively add to the triggering more often then not.
In the book quote, they star with “Could we just pause for a moment?”
Sometimes, I need to say it more like this:
I need a PAUSE…
It feels good to me because it speaks to MY need. I need a pause. I need to self-regulate, pull my nervous system back towards calm, restore a measure of grounded presence.
It’s really appreciated, when possible, to ask for and get a hug.
Hugs are not always possible. If there’s co-triggering, just because I get to a place where I am ready and open to co-regulation with a hug doesn’t mean the other person – whether 7-years-old or 70 – is ready, too.
So… if I am not ready to hear NO to the hug, or have the other person turn away, without it re-triggering everything… I stick with self-regulation during the pause.
I’m ready to un-pause. Are you or would you like to check back in 5-10 minutes?
Remember that whoever calls the PAUSE may be ready to un-pause sooner than the other person. Make sure that’s okay.
This is a practice for me. And like my guitar practice, I… uhhh… sometimes miss the right notes.
What do you find helps with calling and honoring Pauses?
With partners?
Parents?
Kids?
