Asking, Sacred Decisions, and the Tender No
What are you asking for?!?
Nothing is more annoying than being pestered. Can I have this? Why can’t I have that? I want it now. But why? I want it. I want it. I want it!
As a parent being pestered for something that isn’t a yes for me to provide for them is such a challenging dynamic: I might not have it. I might not have the energy to make it or get it. And it could be that in my determination, as a parent, the asking is not actually in their highest and best interest.
Not right now, not right then.
But, I don’t want my kids to have their asking suppressed. Not as an innate thing.
Our asking is a delight to Source: Asking for things that please us. Asking to be something different than who we are right now (more vibrant and vital or healed or powerful, expressive, co-creative). Asking to have THAT — even if what we have already is just fine.
The asking is a delight to the universe, clearly, because it is the asking to grow and expand that leads to the fruit and nuts that grow and expand the orchard, the trees, the forest, the lushness and abundance that we tap into as humans, too.
But to be powerful in our asking does ask us also to grow and become more resilient when the answer is a tender NO.
There’s a wisdom saying, “God’s delays are not God’s denials.” There’s also wisdom to be found in the saying, “THIS… or something even better.”
It’s tender to be in the place of saying no. Of not answering an asking exactly as it’s asked.
I’ve lived long enough to know that my craving for vanilla cake isn’t necessarily best answered by giving me vanilla cake or chocolate or rainbow.
And that’s where the role of parenting is to help children develop the student-teacher within and their own connection to what is it that really matters and to allow more guidance — body guidance and spiritual guidance.
I have found in my experience that spiritual guidance finds it very easy to feel for the things, the food, the experiences, and the states of being that really support my thriving now… and onwards.
Behavioralists talk about “impulse control” and in children that is a bit of an indicator of a kind of maturity and development and orientation that there is both a quality of seeing what’s now and also being somewhat attuned to the possibilities that come by being with the yearning… the discomfort of a tender “no for right now.”
As an adult who wants to be thriving, I don’t talk about impulse control. I talk about sacred decisions.
If it really matters… if it’s something that we’re taking on responsibility for (meaning it’s coming into our house, into our life, into our body)… if it’s an act of service where we are functioning as a re-Source for others… it deserves consideration that is deeper and fuller than whether our “impulse” is to say yes or no.
Sacred decisions is a reframe — a way of looking at the world — that changes me.
Because… Asking is a potent state of being. It’s vulnerable. We may not get what we want in that moment.
If it feels like we’re being denied by someone else or by God or “the universe must not love me enough to give me that (pout)”… if that bubbles up in your psyche, Tap, tap, tap. That is so beneficial to tap on.
Why? Because that’s not actually the way that it works for thriving.
We start re-perceiving from the frame that: the Universe loves Asking, and it adores Asking that evolves through curious engagement with possibilities. We look at our Asking and we play with it. We look at preferences and potentials. We use our innate gifts to imagine, to try it on before it manifests. In this dance we are blessed with consciously refining our preferences over time… and noticing the Universe respond!
And there’s a fascinating thing that happens as we heal and re-activate our Asking. It happen in me. It happens with clients. It happens to friends:
At some point, the ways your parents used to suppress your asking… fall away. And, you’re emotionally free to Ask of Source what supports your thriving.
When I used to ask my mom for something I wanted, she would often say, “We can’t afford it.” But was that true? It’s only $20 and Mom had $40 in her purse. If I kept asking, she’d say again, “We can’t afford it. And STOP ASKING!”
As a parent, I know that’s a shortcut. The longer answer would have been, “That’s not the way I’m going to use my resource that I have in my wallet right now. It doesn’t mean I actually am objecting to you having an asking. I am not the one to answer that asking for you right now. It’s not my YES.”
My hope is that all of us look at how we suppress our asking and learn to be more savvy with it. Because “I Can’t Afford It” is overly simplistic.
There’s an opportunity to be nimble with our Asking which sounds like:
- Oh, I’ve got an asking!
- I’m curious now…
- What’s the energy of it?
- What might be the experience of it?
- How might it change our life?
If we find we’d like that experience… it’s savvy then to consider:
- What will it be Asking of me?
It’ll ask to be tended to, and it’s useful to know whether those acts of stewardship will be beneficial or irritating.
It’ll ask us to make space for it… whether it’s a relationship, a car, or a guitar.
Because what we bring into our lives (and bodies) asks for space and tending in return, we were not destined to get absolutely everything that we ask for on our birthday list… or as we scroll the internet. We definitely weren’t designed to have those all show up with a click!
We also weren’t designed to have our Sacred Asking suppressed out of us. Ask and explore. Feel for what the Askings really point to at a deeper level. Feel for the ripeness… and the evolving preferences.
And definitely allow yourself some strong Askings that invite yourself to feel… that help you come to know that all your Askings are being refined by the Universe and by those that are building and growing… to even better match up with you at some time, in some place, in some way.
Useful Concepts for Thriving in This Story
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Sacred Decisions
Pivotal choices where we pause and feel into what truly matters before we say yes. -
Student-Teacher
A stance that keeps us open, curious, and learning from our own inner guidance. -
Discernment
The capacity to sense subtleties and choose aligned responses rather than shortcuts. -
Stewardship
Tending to what we bring into our life so it nourishes rather than depletes. -
Abundance
The felt sense of more-than-enoughness that grows as we honor what delights and sustains us.