Anger

[Kate]

Hi all! I got on the call the other day wanting to talk about making a mess and how to clean it up but we didn’t have so much time and I clearly needed to go through the story, and got bogged down in that. So still needed to search myself for whether or how to make amends.

It was a real doozy of a situation and I learned more about a potential trigger to watch out for in the future. It was interesting because I had plenty of times for ‘powerful pauses’ in between in person visits and phone calls. A l l a f t e r n o o n.

It’s fair to say I was under-resourced that day having had some recent stress and little sleep the night before. But anyway, I lost it, as I said.

So I really did direct anger at this young woman and by my reckoning she only deserved a small amount of that at one point and then I needed to have been put through to someone else. She was clearly new in the role and was under-resourced in terms of not having a manager or senior person she could put me through to.

Anyway, up for discussion, is my yard stick on anger which is this quote from Aristotle:

Anyone can become angry, but to be angry with the right person, for the right reason, in the right way, at the right intensity, and for the right length of time, takes wisdom.

So the way I saw the interaction was that I had been angry at the right person for a small moment, which was appropriate but then went on to be way out of line, once she called me back saying I couldn’t be put through to someone, which wasn’t her fault. Nor was it her fault that she didn’t know the information, yet. Nor even really that she thought she knew what she was talking about. Which is why I wanted to be put through to someone with more experience.

Anyway, that quote helps me see where and to what degree I have potentially made a mess. I thought I’d share that and the card I sent to her yesterday, which apologises and lets her know what I appreciated. Which was basically a lot of things given her experience level and the circumstances.

The appreciation and encouragement seem to me to be more appropriate given her stella effort of actually (eventually) finding the information she needed to rectify the situation, on time. (Once I’d managed to get through to her. Well done me : )

[RickThrivingNow]

How incredibly beautiful a clean-up, Kate. Extraordinary, really. Blessed to have you share the initial story, to explore with you, and then to get to see the results of you following from yes to yes to yes with what matters to you.

[Tanvi]

Truely incredible!

Its so wonderfully encouraging to see you actually applying emotional freedom principles.

[Kate]

Awh thanks guys. I appreciate your thoughts, and encouragement.

It took a lot of processing to get down to that amount of writing, in a card, to her. Initially I thought of writing an email to her boss, including positive feedback for her but that was a whole lot more words of explanation and would’ve included potentially passive aggressive feedback about their systems, lol. Glad I went this way.

She would’ve gotten it yesterday or today so yes hopefully there’s a little more Harmony in the world because of that. There is in me. I’ve done my best now, as she did hers.

[Kate]

Ohh wow, I just has the idea then re-read that as if it was from my sister to me. While nodding, which we know from Malcolm Gladwell writing in The Tipping Point, helps our whole system to agree with.

*Big in/exhale

[Kate]

Well this is interesting, last Wednesday the Dr at this clinic got really angry with me, let loose for no good reason. There was misunderstanding and he assumed the worse of me it seems to me. At one point he looked at me with real… distain or disgust.

(It transpires his nurse was trying to do a nice thing but overstepped his boundaries, which I didn’t know about.) I remained calm, knew I was not what he was seeing, and his anger diffused when I offered to meet a need I seemed to be hearing.

Anyway, understandably I’m not feeling entirely comfortable moving forward without addressing what happened. I wrote this email and sent it today, Sunday, so he’ll receive it Monday. I’m adding it here as I’d potentially like support for whatever comes back at me.

The context is he’s a doctor who can prescribe CBD oil. In Australia we need a prescription, even for cbd with no TCH, and only some doctors can prescribe. I’m new to it, 2 months in. It’s helping a little with anxiety and is apparently helping strengthen systems in my body.

He’s the doctor who said that thing about how disregulated I am, ‘someone as disregulated as you are’ in my first visit, that we tapped on.

I’m not sure what to expect back but this email is a way to find out if I want to move forward with this clinic. It’s worth finding out because he has offered to dispense the oil for me rather than my going to the pharmacy or dispensary where the cost is higher. But I am willing to walk away unless it feels good to continue.

I believe or hope he can ‘hear’ what I’ve written because he’s not only a GP (I think you say MD) but he’s also a psychotherapist. (Not to me, thank goodness.)

I hope it reads well. I did my best, ran it through AI and a friend read it before sending it too.

Anyway, thanks for your support.

Dear Dr [Name]

I hope this email finds you well.

I’d like to follow-up on my last visit there.

I was surprised by our interaction. I’m very glad I was seated at some distance! And, as someone with a background in ethics, I was hurt by any implication that I was trying to game the system or that I’d laid on some kind of urgency to manipulate an outcome. That was not the case.

I understand that misunderstandings happen, as does misdirected anger. And as your patient I’d like to work together to establish more of a positive relationship moving forward, with more feelings of mutual safety and respect.

Towards that end I emailed [receptionist] to clarify the process of picking up my next bottle of CBD oil. I appreciate very much your offer to buy it from you at a reduced cost. That helps greatly with affordability. However, as I have only purchased it while in consult with you, and saw you need to apply the personalised sticker, I wanted to check the procedure to ensure a smooth and easy process that meets everyone’s needs and boundaries, including my own.

I believe that open and honest communication is important at this juncture and I would like to better understand your perspective or approach. If, for instance, it’s normalised in your workplace for you to speak to people in that manner then I’d be pleased if you’d let me know.

Thank you for taking the time to read my email, and I look forward to your response.

Best wishes

[Kate]

Now I can’t /don’t want to check my email. I wonder when I’ll feel like managing what comes back… including if nothing comes back tap tap tap.

It’ll be fine at the right time I’m sure. *Breathes in harmony and togetherness, calm. I might go into the garden : )

[RickThrivingNow]

What you wrote was beautiful and an invitation for restoration. Inspiring. Emotionally poetic.

Of course, it was written to someone who had, well, fallen out of professional behavior. It’s hard to know without making up a story what complex web of unprocessed or overwhelming emotions lead the doctor to emote like that.

And we can’t know, can we?, in advance whether your kindness and understanding blended with boundaries will be… well received. Some people when they emote like that become drenched in shame and then they end up – dumping more shit, eh?

Our hope is that when we offer healing that healing will rise. I certainly hope that with you, understand the anticipatory anxiety about how and whether they will respond. You can, at least from my vantage point, feel really solid that you crafted an energy that could lead to confident well-being in that relationship – if THEY are up for that.

Warm smiles,
Rick

[Kate]

Thank you Rick. I appreciate your input.

Maybe you could help me interpret his reply. There’s inaccuracies with respect to my lying down due to anxiety. I’d explained I had ME/CFS but it doesn’t seem to have sunk in.

For context what happened was I’d been on cbd oil for approaching 2 months and started to get the idea I’d like to try the thc version for help with sleep. At this stage Id had 1 initial consult with a nurse then 15mins with him

I took the opportunity to lie down on the couch I was sitting on when he left the room and slowly sat up again when he came back in. Id explained ME/CFS to the nurse who apparently had relayed info between my seeing her and him. & referred to it while in with him. I’d also had a 1 mnth follow up.

What happened was I rang the clinic with my qn about starting on cbd wi thc for sleep and the nurse got info from me then said I needed to come in to see her for a consult and she’d organise Dr to make the script.

Basically that turned out to be not the procedure and it was him who needed to have the consult with me. But obviously I didn’t know that. Which was one of my incredulous responses during his tirade. He also looked at me like dirt at one point after that when he was saying that the nurses appointments are for people basically who are desperate for more drugs, run out of product and scripts basically.

The reply I got said that he was communicating to basically everyone else that this wouldn’t happen again.

So what I’ve heard from his reply is: yes this is how I speak to people. Even to people who are patients and including those I deem to be particularly sensitive.

I think he’s avoided a bit by going over why he became angry and repeating information I know now from when he blasted me. Anyway, I’ll have a draft reply soon

Hi Kate,

Thanks for your email.

I am also somewhat confused by the interaction. The basic point being that THC is a schedule 8 drug and therefore it is most appropriate to discuss this with a doctor. We do nurse follow up appointments when there is no change to medications or for simple follow up. Further to his is our previous conversations you had shown little interest in THC as a medicine and were actually saying that you felt it was not going to be right for you. Another reason why I was concerned. You had been very anxious in previous appointments with myself and the nurse to the point you had to stop conversing and lie down on the sofa. From this perspective you might have some idea why I would be very cautious giving you THC.

We offer the CBD as we keep it in stock as the suppliers often run out, this creates problems so the CBD we keep is to avoid the issue when it arrives. It is something we do when there are stock issues. I am happy for you to get it from the clinic if you desire in the interim.

Now during the visit there was no accusation that you are doing something wrong or tried to deceive us. It was that by simply changing to a THC, given the previous consults and your statements I felt that this should be discussed with the prescribing doctor, as per the normal procedure of prescribing schedule 8 drugs and as such I was placed into a position that I am not comfortable being in, and this was being communicated. I am sorry you felt I was accusing you of something. Quite the opposite, I was surprised you had requested it and was pointing out to the team that this is not how we do things and as such I do not want it to happen again. For changes to medications like starting THC in any patient the doctor needs to see the patients, more so if there is a lack of clarity about whether that is the right choice due to high anxiety previously.

Hope that helps.

[Name]

[RickThrivingNow]

“Typical doctor” is how I read it. High IQ, low EQ, Arrogant. Yeah, I am being judgy. QUACK! (Sorry not sorry)

Navigate them the best you can to get what they gatekeep, perhaps? I know… not ideal.

[Kate]

LOL : ) thanks Rick. I’ll sit with it. Thank you!

[Kate]

Sill smiling! Thanks, I feel supported.

I’m not sure what to do at this juncture but thankfully I don’t need to decide urgently and can sit with it for a few days. Maybe some relatively known and safe-ish anger exposure isn’t such a bad thing. It should just be quite perfunctory from now on in terms of appointments and quite spread out. But yeah now I feel into that I’m not sure.

My Dr, who referred me, is away until the end of April unless I can get in on a cancellation in the next few days so we’ll see if that comes along. Just to let her know and get her opinion.

All is well. Ha. maybe I can be more like the duck, water off… & yeah also decide what’s best moving forward.

[Kate]

Walking away from that clinic now. Guidance came through journalling yesterday, actually as I was taking notes on the Heartistry call!

I’ve been a bit thrown by it, more than I realised. But now I can really let any residue flow on with this decision. I’m not up for that kind of aggression to be levelled at me and there’s a good chance it would happen again in some form.

Onward

[RickThrivingNow]

@Kate

I’m not up for that kind of aggression to be levelled at me and there’s a good chance it would happen again in some form.

Right. Both the original unprofessional boundaries and then his reply didn’t show the kind of awareness and stability one would want, right?

[Kate]

Yeah. Absolutely. Gosh its so easy to see now after some processing. I was confused and affected by that behaviour, like being dazed after being hit. I mean he really laid it on me.

How he sees that as appropriate towards a patient, and one he deems to be particularly sensitive at that, I don’t know.

So yes not going back is a good fit. Not emotionally stable enough as you say and in fact happy to justify taking things out on other people, including patients. (Fck me!)

[RickThrivingNow]

The medical field selects for a non-sensitive psychodemographic. Why? Because sensitive folk generally wash out… and they do that “intentionally.” I went to Johns Hopkins. Right away made friends with a lot of pre-meds. ALL the ones I felt closest to did not make it through as a pre-med by year 3. NOT because they were not smart or caring. Because they valued things other than the core grind of medicine.

I have met some solid doctors. Most have shared the epiphanies that helped them (sometimes facing their own death and motality, or having an experience themselves with medical care) that shifted them.

So… I have compassion and acceptance of the unwanted reality that the current medical system is not in any way geared towards thriving for ANYONE involved in it. We do our best to get from them what we need when their skills are needed or they gatekeep things we could benefit from. Skills do matters, and doctors (some at least) have potent skills for repair and rescue. I want emotional freedom and thriving for them, for us all, and until then we navigate best we can, eh?