Allowing and Sitting in the Uncertainty

“Don’t ask the question if you don’t know the answer.”

In a recent coaching session with @Rick, I talked about the difficulty I am having with not having a plan or an answer to what to do about my most intimate personal relationship. I cited one of my identities as a lawyer as part of the problem. I was trained to always have a plan!! Rick clearly has had lawyers in his life because he immediately quoted the phrase that was told to me repeatedly in law school - never ask a question that you don’t know the answer to! Good one! I have to say, it means so much to me to have a coach who sees me and is so unbelievably skilled. It is life-altering. So, here is my thought or question to share with you all. I want to sit in the uncertainty and allow things (as complicated and painful as they are) to just be. How do you all do this without trying to fix the :poop: out of it? How does this show up in your life? Anyone else wish they could control everything and only ask questions that they know the answers to? :roll_eyes:

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Thank you for the kind words, Dru. Yes, I come from a long line of lawyers on my Dad’s side. Probably would have been one if computers hadn’t come along. TG!

So… “to just be” is the Allowing part of the process and flow. If we cannot “let it be” for a moment, an hour, overnight, a couple of days, then we’re really not giving ANYTHING time to ripen!

We’re Nature more than Computer, although our neural nets have some amazing capacities. When we forget that bananas take time to ripen, and berries don’t show up until there are flowers and then bees and then unripe berries then ripe… well, we’re “out of sorts.” Our of our Nature.

Allowing isn’t the ONLY part, though.

Awareness – what am I noticing? In my body, in the energy field. Without making up a story about it, or labeling it as “evidence” (cough cough)… what am I aware of?

Acceptance – oh, the :poop: that shows up. Acceptance means to me the essential quality of “well, it IS what it IS, and while it will certainly change in some way because it’s Nature we’re talking about… right now I am going to calm any conflict, resistance, or objection in me.”

Objection? Did someone have an objection, your honor?

Adapting – oh we but so much of our energy here, but I believe our skills tend to be poor. We tend to think that when we feel we “have to do THIS other thing OR ELSE” that it means we have to do this other thing… or else!

Except in true primitive brain situations, this just isn’t true. There are 5+ adaptations in almost every moment. We could pause – again, it is not life or death in the now we’re talking about. Pause is on the table. We could get more distance. We could bring more presence, or confidence. We could add words, or be silent and allow words to fall away. We could love, or we could hate, or we could see it from their perspective (or ask) or let go of their perspective and get clear on what matters to us.

WOW, so many adaptations in the now!

We tend to live our lives as if a judge is up on the throne ruling over us, driving the timeline and what’s allowed to be considered or not. Ugh. Life is NOT a courtroom – even though our classrooms and inner sanctums seem to reflect that kind of image of God on the Throne pointing a judging finger in our direction.

Action – the inspired actions we take from a place of clarity, where we feel choices amidst our actions and the one that is right for us right NOW… that kind of action feels so different from ones taken from fear or Judge-land.

Being in this “eco-flow” means I do benefit from asking myself… where am I? Is it time to Allow? If so, awesome. Healing happens in the Allowing place!

If I am feeling clueless, maybe time for Awareness. If struggling with what I’m aware of, time for Acceptance (tap tap tap). If I feel the impulse to “do something” but I’m not sure what… list the possible Adaptations. One is likely to rise in that process as right for now. Do it, then allow. ALLOW. Give at least a breath, and maybe even an hour or day.

This isn’t “just” letting it be. You’re letting the healing energy move. You’re letting divine flow move us, and them, and life.

That’s what I’m practicing. It feels like a system that can support Thriving in me-space and we-space.

How does it feel to you?

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First, big hugs, @Dru! :purple_heart:

Simply the fact that you have clarity around this desire/need is worth celebrating! :confetti_ball:

Sure, it can be hard to do that, but the first step is to acknowledge what you want and need… more S P A C E and time to feel into things, to see what ripens and shifts…

I can attest that @Rick is amazing at supporting others in this process!

When I was trying to figure out if/when/how to completely separate from my ex-husband (which took a few years!), I got a lot of practice at Being With the Uncertainty, and just Allowing things to Be as they were…

Until I felt my own clarity arise, or until new options surfaced, or new questions were called.

It took a lot of listening to my body, for one thing… learning what felt like a Yes or No or Maybe or Not Sure Yet.

And honoring those feelings, rather than pushing them aside or getting annoyed about the Not Knowing! It’s a skill that can get better with practice… (ideally with extra support to help talk/write/feel it out!)

I noticed that the more I honored the Pause, the easier it became to feel clear in (and able to honor) the answers once they emerged.

I literally had a reminder pop up daily on my phone that said:

“Live into the question in Wholeness.”

Just seeing that helped me Pause regularly, and not try to solve All The Things at once!

It reminded me that it’s ok to live the question rather than to force any answers that I hadn’t lived my way into yet…

As a mom, it reminds me of watching my kids grow and develop — I can’t force them to be ready to sit or walk or talk until they’ve developed the various skills and are ready themselves! And then, suddenly, it all comes together — and we can support them lovingly, maybe jokingly try to teach certain words before they’re ever likely to speak them, but there’s no pressure or value difference about when they learn new skills. They come when they’re ready!

Likewise, we can’t force big life changes or answers to our deepest questions when we are still in the process of living our way into knowing what’s right at the right time.

Just because we’re adults doesn’t mean we suddenly have any reason to be impatient with our development! There’s nothing wrong with taking time; shifting that perspective first can help immensely. Faster isn’t necessarily better.

Indeed, as adults, we may need even more time and spaciousness and gentleness with our development, if we take into account past patterns that we need to unlearn (whereas kids are starting fresh!).
(And yes, I do believe that finding clarity about relationships and life changes is a form of our development and ongoing evolution as adults!)

All that to say, be gentle with your sweet self!

I don’t know your situation, but weighing all the possible factors involved in maintaining or leaving or deepening or adjusting an intimate relationship can take a lot of time, energy, resource, compassion, and support…

It’s okay Not To Know.

It’s ok to give things (& people, including ourselves!) time to ripen, to develop, to evolve and unfold into what’s next. And not to know what that will look like until it happens!

Sometimes it just takes practice to reaffirm that this is all ok, and to keep noticing and living with the questions arising, feeling our way into what is ripening… And especially that it’s okay for that to take time!

Our culture is so goal-oriented that we often focus on the Yang Doing (& related tangible results) rather than the Yin Being (& felt experience in our bodies), as our society is more interested in the outcome than the process.

My guess is that no matter what answers eventually come, it’s the process of reaching those answers with clarity, in your own right timing, that will be the most powerful aspect of the experience… and it sounds like learning to appreciate that is part of it!

[Side note: my lawyer mother also used to say “Don’t ask questions you don’t want to hear the answer to.”
Curious if there are any parts of you that are resistant to hearing the answer, because it could involve some uncomfortable changes…?

I know for me with my ex, deep down, I knew the answer all along, it was just overwhelming and I mostly just needed to evolve enough to be able to accept it! And to get other things into place to support the changes I secretly knew were coming, before I could even admit them to myself… May or may not be similar for you, but worth considering!]

Anyway, sending courage and strength and gentleness, wishing you all the spaciousness and support you need, to allow yourself to live into the question in your Wholeness. :purple_heart:

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The important Real Skills for me have all taken a LOT longer than I’d have “expected” to bear fruit… and yet… as you noticed it was the process that mattered because the process became the practice.

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I am there now Dru. I don’t know why I’m feeling so blah and like :poop: emotionally. Yes I’d like to fix it but I don’t know what that looks like. So I’m sitting with it. It sucks. Before tapping and @Rick’s coaching I would have been in a lot of physical pain. I would love to ask my angels for help and have a loud voice come out of the sky or in my room here telling me “this is what is what needs to be done” but that isn’t going to happen and besides it would scare the rest of the :poop: out of me!! So I’m tapping and allowing myself my feels even though I sure would like to be all fixed up, whatever that looks like. Yes it is what it is, I have felt this way before and had some good ahas. I’m trying to be kind to myself and I am sensing some of it has to do with venturing out after having the vaccines, changing doctor’s, and turning 595 dog years. That is a lot of woofing. :dog:

I hope this was a little helpful and not just all about me.

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So helpful @Angelsloveyou! Thank you. I love to know I’m not alone in this struggle! I also love the use of the :poop: emojis!! I am with you sitting in it. Thank you for your vulnerability and wisdom. I would be scare of you angels coming out of the sky and being so direct too! Glad they are being more nuanced and gentle with us! :pray::pray::pray::white_heart::innocent:

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I laughed out loud when I got to this part. So intuitive and brilliant. Thank you for all of these insights. So very helpful to me. :orange_heart::100::pray:

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Ahhh, :poop::poop::poop:!!!
That :poop: which we get to let go of, so that it can be composted in this magical earth we live on, and be transformed into fertile soil in which to grow our next big dreams!

That’s how I like to remember the value of :poop: during challenging times, anyway… it helps me to come back to gardening, to remember the many transformations possible, and that while it may be unpleasant for a while, there’s so much composting going on below the surface that will provide rich nourishment for new life to come! That always turns out to be true, no matter how :poop:-y it may feel at the time…

Sending love and warmth to both of you, @Dru and @Angelsloveyou — that your :poop: may compost more quickly, and support the next phase of your growth!

What seeds are being planted?
What weeds need to be pulled?
How does the garden or your heart-mind-body-soul need to be tended, now in the thick of the :poop: and going forward in the vulnerable stages of new growth? :seedling:

Best wishes for working with all these energies this spring time! :four_leaf_clover:

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