I never expected this to have ever happened in my lifetime again. Ever. But it did, and left me in an utter state of emotional shock and turmoil.
A girl that I hung out with as a friend,… confessed her feelings about me! I was in shock and disbelief, and yes I actually perhaps sensed little cues that we might get into a relationship but not this sudden! It was all done on text but anyways, TLDR, I wasn’t ready to pull any plugs yet, and I did tell her that I wasn’t ready…! I was emotionally destroyed because of that! But I did listen to my own intuition, read a few articles about such situations, and gave her my honest thought.
She was really nice and I enjoyed my time spent with her, but we had our differences. Differences that perhaps I couldn’t live with for a long-term intimate relationship…!
And man, it was so beautiful that she said that… because I’ve not have someone ever said something like that to me in real life! But yet, the hardest part is that I had to make it so clear to her so that I don’t give her false hopes and expectations…!
I once swore that I’ll never get into a relationship because of the horrors of my parent’s marriage and how it destroyed my sense of safety and emotional well-being. But now, I’m definitely more open than I was before, but I’m only certain that there are still many parts of trauma that are constantly holding me back from seeing the beauty of love and relationships!
Personally, as much as how life is all about experimenting and exploring, I believe that love and relationship is a sacred commitment and one that needs to be thought through and many times, requires the use of great gut feelings. It’s so subjective that it’s so scary. I always wished to have a great partner that creates greater meaning, fulfillment, and happiness in my life, but here I am, turning down one that I actually do have some feelings for…! (I mean then again, I’ve had far too many eye candies that were unrequited so… ouch…! They all hurt…!)
I’ve figured that it must’ve been really hard for her to muster the courage to confess to me and how much harder it would’ve hurt her for me to turn her down…!