25 Statements for Relationship Success

Thriving Together
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from Susan Campbell

As a relationship coach for couples, families, and work teams, clients generally come to me complaining about “communications problems.” Everyone seems to need help with their communication at some point. It’s so common to feel misunderstood, disrespected, unfairly treated, triggered, and just generally frustrated in our attempts to hear and be heard.

I decided to see if I could bring clarity to this complex and multi-layered topic. Toward that end, I have come up with what I call “the 25 statements necessary for relationship success.” These 25 statements help you become more aware of the feeling level of your communication. Most people tend to forget that there is always a feeling level underneath the content level of your message.

These statements bring the conversation more into present time, creating a here-now, I-Thou connection. When you are aware of your present-time feelings and reactions, you’re more “all there” in the interaction, and you will naturally feel more connected and less prone to react out of fear.

I believe most misunderstandings are preventable when people can integrate these phrases into your communication style.

Can You Make These Statements?

Take a look at the 25 statements below. In considering each one, make note of which ones would rarely or never occur to you, which statements you might make occasionally, and which are a normal part of your repertoire.

  1. Hearing you say_________, I feel_______. (e.g. Hearing you say, “When are you going to fix the fence,” I feel some resistance coming up in me.)

  2. I want you to listen and hear me out before responding.

  3. I’m sorry. If I had it to do over, I would________.

  4. Tell me more about why you feel/think/see it that way. (useful when you do not immediately agree with something)

  5. I didn’t mean to hurt you. What I wish I’d been able to communicate is_______.

  6. I’d like to make it up to you/to make amends.

  7. Could we sit down and talk about something that’s on my mind?

  8. I’m feeling unfinished about that recent conversation between us. Could we talk about it?

  9. I need some time before I respond to you.

  10. I hear that you think/want____. I see it differently than that. May I tell you how I see it/what I want?

  11. I think/favor/want____. What do you think/favor/want?

  12. I appreciate you for______(something specific about the other person or about something they did or said).

  13. I want______. How does that work for you? (Or “Is this something you can give?”)

  14. I feel crummy about what just happened. Can we talk about it?

  15. I notice myself getting defensive. I think I’m getting triggered.

  16. I see what you mean/I understand how you could feel that way.

  17. I’m feeling insecure. Can I have a hug?

  18. I’m feeling a need for reassurance. Are we okay?

  19. I’m feeling amorous/turned on/sexual…how about you?

  20. I need some support/sympathy/understanding. Are you available to listen?

  21. I’m getting triggered. Can we pause until I can calm myself?

  22. I want to feel connected to you. Will you tell me what’s going on inside you?

  23. Can we start this conversation over?

  24. I like the way you ______ (move, smile, look at me, touch me, hold me, express yourself, etc.)

  25. I want you to just listen to me without trying to help or solve anything.

Some of these statements will probably feel more natural for you than others. Some might seem risky. And some of them, you just never thought of before. I hope you’ll refer to this list from time to time and maybe share it with someone you’d like more trust or intimacy with.

Reference

Several years ago, I wrote a book that goes into depth about some of these statements—when and how to use them, why they can be useful, when not to use them.…that sort of thing. It also goes into the very important distinction between communicating to relate vs. communicating to control. The book, titled Saying What’s Real, is available here.

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Thanks for sharing these. This is the one that felt most foreign to me, so therefore there must be something there. I think it feels so risky to acknowledge/own that I am being triggered and then to ask for time to regulate because I have this limiting belief that being triggered is a weakness or can be viewed as something is wrong with me. Increased emotional freedom for me would mean accepting that I (like everyone) has triggers. I would LOVE to integrate this acceptance into the coming year so that I can practice this skill of pausing and asking for time to recover. It would be a next-level skill for me. Thanks for sharing this, Rick!

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I’m getting really hot. Give me a second to change into lighter clothes.

Dang, it’s COLD! Give me a second to get some layers on.

Wow, that burrito is running right through me! Give me a second to “process” this and I’ll get back to you.

I am not fond of the word triggered. I used “activated” myself. Or, just say, “I need a moment.”

My dad (the lawyer) took advantage when he was negotiating with lawyers in NYC. He’d wear a “truckers friend” because there was this status thing that no one would leave the room to pee – no matter what! He’d magically get better interests rates as the afternoon progressed after the 2 martini lunch.

I’m so glad that isn’t my life.

And, while I might not use triggered except with people who really understand and can hold space for that, taking a moment or even “Duuuuuude, timeout.” Something that appropriately claims that “I am the driver, here, and my vehicle needs tending before we continue.”

Wish it was ALREADY easier… and perhaps it is compared to my Dad’s generation…

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