Unwinding Shock - Session Replay
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1. Shock is a Natural Response
Shock arises when something unexpected disrupts our sense of safety or control. It can range from mild surprise to an overwhelming emotional or nervous system reaction. Recognizing shock as a normal human response is the first step toward unwinding it.
Skill: Pause and acknowledge when you’re in shock. Say to yourself, “This is my body responding to something unexpected. It’s okay to feel this way.”
2. Unwinding Shock is Essential for Emotional Freedom
Shock creates tension in our nervous system, fascia, and even blood vessels. If left unresolved, it can become more challenging to unwind over time, much like tangled cords or hoses, making it harder to adapt and thrive.
Skill: Use EFT tapping to begin unwinding stuck energy. Start by tapping and saying, “Even though I feel this shock, I’m open to releasing some of it now.”
3. Shock Often Protects Us
Sometimes, holding onto shock shields us from deeper feelings we don’t feel ready to face, such as grief or terror. This is a protective mechanism.
Skill: Gently ask yourself, “What might this shock be protecting me from?” Approach the answer with curiosity rather than judgment.
4. Daily Practices Can Build Resilience
Shock can accumulate over time—whether from personal experiences or global events. Regularly unwinding even small shocks helps prevent overwhelm and builds emotional capacity.
Skill: Incorporate daily tapping into your routine. For example: “Even though I may have some shock in my system from today, I give my body permission to release it.”
5. The Body Holds Shock in Specific Areas
Shock often manifests physically—in the jaw, chest, knees, or even deep within our belly or joints. These areas may hold tension long after the initial event.
Skill: Tune into your body and notice where you feel tightness or discomfort. Place your hands there gently and say, “I hear you; it’s safe to unwind this now.”
6. Blame and Shame Keep Shock Stuck
Blaming yourself or others for what happened can lock shock into place. While accountability is healthy, blame often suspends healing.
Skill: Tap on phrases like: “Even though I feel blame/shame about this situation, I’m open to setting it aside for now so I can heal.”
7. Unwinding Shock Creates Space for Clarity
When we’re stuck in shock, we often can’t see a way forward or make empowered choices. Releasing some of that tension allows us to stabilize and regain clarity.
Skill: After tapping, ask yourself: “What matters most to me right now?” This question helps redirect your energy toward what’s meaningful and helps stabilize your energy systems.
8. Small Steps Are Powerful
You don’t need to process everything at once—baby steps are enough. Even being present with your feelings for a few seconds at a time can create shifts.
Skill: Give yourself permission to take tiny steps. Say, “I’ll allow myself to feel this for just one second,” then gradually increase as you feel ready.
9. Compassion for Yourself and Others Eases the Process
Understanding that everyone—including you—is doing their best with the tools they have can soften the intensity of shock and reduce emotional resistance.
Skill: When triggered by someone else’s actions, try saying: “They’re doing the best they know how right now—even if it’s not okay with me.” Extend the same compassion inward.
10. Shock Can Echo Old Traumas
Current shocks often resonate with unresolved past experiences stored in our subconscious as “trauma bubbles.” This layering can amplify our emotional response.
Skill: Tap while acknowledging both the current situation and any echoes it stirs up: “Even though this reminds me of past pain, I honor that I’m safer right now.”
11. Unwinding Shock is a Skill Worth Practicing
Like brushing your teeth or exercising, unwinding shock is an ongoing practice that strengthens over time. The more we practice with small shocks, the more resilient we become when big ones arise.
Skill: Commit to practicing unwinding regularly—even when nothing major feels wrong—so you’re prepared and better resourced when life throws surprises your way.
Unwinding shock isn’t about avoiding life’s challenges or pretending they are not a Big Deal when they are. It’s about learning how to meet shocks with greater stability and grace. By practicing these techniques together as a community, we remind ourselves that we’re not alone—and that “Thriving Anyway” is within reach.
Take a deep breath right now and let that truth settle in: We’re building resilience one moment at a time.
Resources Mentioned
Click for Computer Generated Transcript
Unwinding Shock
[00:00:00] Unwinding shock, a real skill. Shock? What is shock? An unwinding shock is a skill that you’ll find immensely useful for your thriving and your regulation. And I’m here, Rick from Thriving Now with Cathy Vartuli from Thriving Now and the Intimacy Dojo.
[00:00:19] Cathy, would you like to take us a little bit more deeply into what shock is and then maybe I’ll talk about what unwinding is? Sure. Um, I’m a geek. I love to look things up because I think we often, oh, I know what that means, but I think it helped. It’s helpful for us to all be on the same page. So, um, We have a sudden or intense feeling of distress or fright in response to an unexpected or unpleasant event.
[00:00:43] Now some people are shocked about positive things, but we don’t usually hold on to it. We don’t feel like this lingering negative effect to it. Like, oh, a surprise party that I really wanted to have. That was so lovely. I was shocked. But it’s usually pretty quick. And shock can also refer to like a small thing.
[00:01:01] Like, oh, I was really surprised about that. To, oh my god, I can’t breathe. Or like, My world is falling apart. So there’s a whole range of things that shock applies to, and a lot of what we’ll talk, everything we’re going to talk about applies to all of it. Um, when we receive a shock, a negative one especially, it’s in our nervous system.
[00:01:22] It gets embedded. It’s like a, it’s a sm, a, trauma may be a large shock. Maybe we call small t traumas, might be the medium shocks. But they do get embedded in our nervous system, especially if we don’t have a way to release them, which leads us to the unwinding.
[00:01:40] So if you’re starting to feel like, well, shock and trauma and trauma and shock, uh, how are they related, um, to me, they’re, they’re cousins, and they often lead from one to the other. I look at, at shock as that. Place where we’re, we’re really stuck as a coach. If somebody says, I just don’t know why, or I can’t believe that they dot, dot, dot, if I noticed that in myself, like what.
[00:02:17] That could be the initial, but there’s a, I, I don’t know what to do with this. I don’t know how to interpret it. And one reality of it is that a shock tightens us up. There’s a, a neurological tension. That happens. And our, our body, our fascia reacts because it’s not sure what’s going on. This was not expected.
[00:02:49] It hasn’t decided yet. Is this going to kill us or not? Does this mean, is this mean that that person who I thought was this is actually that? Oh, dear heavens, a shock and yeah, it’s one of our nervous system thinks they’re primitive brains. Like I’m not in control here. I thought I knew my world. I thought I knew what was going to happen and something unexpected happens.
[00:03:15] And then we can take it as, Oh my God, I’m not in control. I’m not safe. I’m not planning the future well enough. We feel insecure about it. So that can be part of the discomfort we’re feeling. Um, unwinding. As a body worker, there’s a technique, or not just a technique, but a whole mindset, a frame of reference, that when someone is shocked, uh, or goes through an experience, um, their body holds onto that until there’s a, a safe and sufficient space.
[00:03:54] For it to unwind
[00:04:00] and unwinding looks like exactly what we do with tapping. EFT tapping is an unwinding technique. We notice where there’s a tension, something that’s going on and we. Start moving the energy. Unwinding is moving the energy. Stuckness, being stuck in a, I just can’t believe, can you feel the stuckness in that?
[00:04:31] If you apply that to anything, to what your kid just did, to what’s going on in the world stage, if you apply that energy and you feel it in your body, can’t you notice that like, Your skin, uh, the layer under your skin is tighter. You’re, there’s a vascular tension. You’re, you’re literally your blood vessels and veins hold onto a state of arousal.
[00:05:01] And I don’t mean the good arousal. This could be arousal, which is like, I need to figure this out or else. It’s the, or else arousal and unwinding is an essential skill. Now, some people unwind by drinking a beer or six or 18, like my dad, he unwound at the end of his day, you know, 18 beers. Okay. And it did like make him different.
[00:05:35] Like it unwound his nervous system. How can you be tense when you have 18 beers in you? Um, well, that’s the only way they know how to let go. Exactly. Exactly. We know that sweetness impacts the vagus nerve. It sends a signal to the vagus nerve. Hey, life’s sweet ish, sort of, at least it’s not all bitter. And so, um, these are, these are things where unwinding says, Hey.
[00:06:09] Um, I’ve got tensions in my body and I want to be skillful and aware that these are things that, um, unwinding is useful. If you start the trend, anything that we do today together, um, if I just start tapping my collarbone, noticing. You know, there’s, as I’m tuning into shocks and in my world, um, there’s a tension, I can feel it in my forehead.
[00:06:39] Some people feel it really strongly in their heart or their chest, like the chest, the breathing heart, um, plexus here, anything that you do to ground unwind, you’re sending a signal in that moment. It’s okay to unwind some of this. I don’t know that we’re ever completely unwound. You know, there’s a certain amount of tone and tension that’s just part of living, but it’s like the wire that I use for the leaf blower in the car, in the, in the garage.
[00:07:16] Okay. So I have something that I wind it around, but if I. If I didn’t do that consciously, it can get knots in it. And if I sort of half take it apart, and then, then throw it all back together, and then the kids are playing in it, and I pull it out, and there’s like, oh god, um, but I just need to blow out the garage, I can just sort of unwind enough, and blow out the garage, and then I’ll just put it back, because it’s too much to deal with.
[00:07:44] And. Guess what? It layers on top of itself. I remember when I hadn’t unwound it and put it back neatly. in order so that the, you know, there were knots, there were all kinds of things. We see this with hoses, we see this with extension cables, and we see this with our emotional world too. A lot of us were never taught how to deal with emotional, like, we’re not, we’re, my family didn’t know how to deal with it.
[00:08:17] They would yell at somebody, kick some, you know, kick the dog or whatever, but blame other people, but there wasn’t, they didn’t know how to They couldn’t do it themselves and they couldn’t teach us how to deal with stuck emotions. Like when we tap, we unwind those hoses and teach our nervous system to flow the energy.
[00:08:35] But if we’ve never learned that, that’s the drinking, the drugs, the food, the whatever it is. That will help stuff it down and layer, like, kind of make a sandwich of it. We’re going to push it down and hope that we have enough room just to handle all this stuff that’s going on. Um, and I just think it’s not, it’s not really anyone’s bad or wrong.
[00:08:53] It’s just They didn’t know how to teach us. They were doing the best they knew from what their parents taught us. And the fact that you’re here right now learning something different or that you tap doing something such a gift for the world, not just for yourself, but like you’re modeling, we don’t have to have it stored in our body.
[00:09:10] We don’t have to have it stuck. And then other people, people learn mirror neurons, pick stuff up that we don’t consciously even understand. So just you walking in the world a little differently. Some part of their brains are going, Oh, I, there’s even knowing there’s other options is huge, a gift to people.
[00:09:28] So someone asked, is shock like grief? And I just, we’re going to talk a little more about the motions that are underneath the shock and why we, the shock, but grief can often come with shock. We may grieve that we’re surprised, we may grieve the topic that’s coming up, but shock is something that’s the initial emotional response.
[00:09:46] And disappointment, grief, fear, whatever, they may be woven into it, but it’s really underneath of the shock that makes it, they kind of come with it. I’m really shocked that this happened and I’m very sad that this happened. You know, it kind of makes a bigger knot that we have to deal with. Do you agree with that, Rick?
[00:10:05] I do. Um, when I work with somebody and they say, well, I can’t believe that they’re dead or what that initial hit, if If we don’t unwind that initial hit so that we can grieve as a natural process. Grieving is a very natural process in humans. We may have things that suppress it and a lot of things that we could do to help each other grieve, but the initial shock What I notice is if somebody and some somebody that can’t be here today was talking about how they had one shocking loss, someone who died, followed by another one.
[00:10:50] And if you add a third, like your furry friend, your pet on top of that, now we’ve got three layers of shock. That’s super, super difficult to, to grieve in a. unwinding way in a way that helps us recalibrate. It’s more like I’ve got shock, shock, shock sitting on top of each other. And I don’t know what to do with this.
[00:11:18] There’s a quality of, I don’t know what to do with this. If we’re not in shock about someone’s death. And like, yeah, yeah, I accept, I can accept that they are, are dead, then, and that feels mostly true, then the feelings that will come up, all the different feelings that come up from that reality are moving.
[00:11:43] You’re healing, you’re, you’re expressing your care and things like that. The shock will feel like a sharp, a sharp knife, a sharp knife. I agree. I’m wondering, can we do a little tapping on just the feeling of shock? I imagine everyone who’s here is probably in some kind of shock, whether it’s the state of the nation, you know, there’s all kinds of stuff going on.
[00:12:06] So I think just tapping a little bit can help us kind of drop in a little bit. And then we’re not just skirting over the surface. We can kind of process a little more together in this really safe group. This is something useful every day. Um, if you’re exposed to the world and you’re noticing yourself, um, Feeling these echoes of shock in your body.
[00:12:27] Um, you can do a general, this is one of those things where doing a general tapping, even fairly mechanically can be really helpful. Triggering the nervous system. You’re getting it, it’s moving a little bit. And once it starts getting a little flow, I can go, are you leaning or am I? I’d like you to, if you were up for it.
[00:12:47] You just mentioned it before the call, so I wanted to give you space. Karate chop. Even though there is a shock in my system. Even though there is a shock in my system. And I don’t like it at all. And I don’t like it at all. It feels like electricity. Feels like electricity. And I did not agree to this. And I did not agree to this.
[00:13:09] I’m open to finding a better way of holding this. I’m open to finding a better way of holding this and an even better way of releasing it, and an even better way of releasing it. Tab that I did not agree to this. I did not agree to this. I bro, I believe in consent. I believe in consent, lie to the eye and I cannot not consent.
[00:13:32] I did not consent to this. I did not consent to this under the eye. I’m really surprised and shocked. I’m really surprised and shocked under the nose and just acknowledging that is pretty big.
[00:13:47] And just acknowledging that is pretty big. And a lot of us go around trying to be James Bond all suave and together. A lot of us try to go around all suave and together. Collarbone, but I’m really shocked. But I’m really shocked. Under there, maybe I can give myself some compassion. Maybe I can give myself some compassion.
[00:14:12] Top of it, and I can start right where I am. And I can start right where I am. And I’ll be okay. And I’ll be okay. Just take a breath and just acknowledge that because I think a lot of when I felt some big shocks I didn’t know I was gonna be okay. And in the moment I wasn’t okay I mean, I’m someone who always says I’m okay, even if I’m not but I’m like I was not really okay And sometimes I had to be with I’m not really okay, but I will be okay I’m not okay yet.
[00:14:40] And sometimes just being with what is it gives us more traction When we’re trying to pretend, um, it’s just really hard for us to, to get any traction in the world. Um, we’re, we’re kind of struggling and I blame media a lot for that because they do, like James Bond or whoever, they, the really cool people are all swabbing together and they like, knew the basketball was going to come and they’re not even looking and they catch it and they drink a sip of their martini and they, It’s what, you know, kiss the girl or whatever it is.
[00:15:08] There is all, they know exactly what to do and where to go. But they, you know, that might be take 25 or 51 before we see what we see. But I think our brain internalizes it and say we want to be that suave. We want to be that cool. Which means we don’t always, at least I don’t, always want to acknowledge quite how shocked or surprised I am.
[00:15:27] Like, oh, I kind of knew that was gonna happen. So I’m not really shocked, but I’m really shocked inside. And when we don’t let ourselves be aware of what’s really happening, it’s really hard for us to release it. 'cause we’re kind of tapped. It’s that beach ball underwater. I’m gonna hold it underwater. I’m gonna put a lot of energy and I can pretend everything’s okay.
[00:15:44] I can’t actually do anything about it. But if I can let the beach ball come up and look at it and go, okay, I don’t like that much air in it, I’m gonna. You know, do some tapping or let some air out of that beach ball. Now I’m dealing with what is. So the more we can just kind of be here. I am not liking this at all.
[00:16:02] It is what it is. And it will change if I do, if I take care of myself. I don’t know. Number of people ask or reflect that they can notice the shock hits their system, but they may not start tapping for two days.
[00:16:23] Um, my colleague, Carol, look, when there was a lot of shock going on, she was sharing how she may has made that a part of her daily tapping. Okay. And ever since we got this workshop on the schedule, I’ve been taking some of my daily tapping time and without necessarily knowing what I’m shocked about. This is how it might look, and you start at the side of the hand, even though I’m guessing, even though I’m guessing I have some shock building up in my system.
[00:17:08] I have some shock building up in my system. I’m asking my body to unwind it. Now I’m asking my UN body to unwind it now, even though I’m human, even though I’m human. And it’s really normal for me to get shocked. And it’s really normal for me to get shocked. I’m acknowledging that truth. I’m acknowledging that truth.
[00:17:30] And asking my body to unwind a bit of the shock right now. And asking my body to wind a little bit of the shock right now. Top of the head. This shock, wherever it is in my body. This shock, wherever it is in my body. Eyebrow. This shock in my face. This shock in my face. Eye to the eye. This shock in my brain.
[00:17:53] Shock in my brain. Eye to the eye. This shock in my jaw. Shock in my jaw. The shock in my ear. This shock in my ear. I can’t believe I heard that. I can’t believe I heard that. This shock in my body. Shock in my body. Collarbone, this shock in my chest. This shock in my chest. Under the arm, this shock in my heart.
[00:18:19] Shock in my heart. Top of the head, this shock in my blood. This shock in my blood. Eyebrow, the shock in my spine. Shock in my spine. Under the eye, the shock to my hips. Shock to my hips. Under the eye, the shock in my knees. The shock in my knees. Under the nose, aw, my knees. Oh, my knees. And the shock in my toes and feet.
[00:18:43] The shock in my toes and my feet. The shock to my womb and my guts. The shock to my womb and my guts. Under the arm. The shock to my heart. Shock to my heart. Up ahead. I give my body permission to unwind these shocks. I give my body permission to unwind these shocks. Conscious or unconscious. Conscious or unconscious.
[00:19:07] Oh! He’s good! Nice yawn! And just to
[00:19:18] explain by, by treating it like a treatment.
[00:19:29] It’s, you don’t have to think about it as much. You’re assuming. And I, I think it’s a very useful, even if nothing shocking has happened today, shock has a way of building up. And if you end up going back and someone said, I feel like I’ve been in shock since 2020. Or 20 years old, you know, it’s by doing this once or twice, I suspect, like, I wasn’t aware that my knees were holding up so much shock, uh, until I started tapping on my knees.
[00:20:09] And then, do you notice I paused and acknowledged that? Oh, maybe that’s why they’re a little sore when I’m walking. Shock has a way of making a joint not work the same way. Yeah. Does that make sense? Yeah. We hold, we have to put it somewhere. Yeah. And everybody like, there’s certain things that make us go back, certain things that go like, what?
[00:20:40] Um, so, and you can, you can then tune into your body and say, Oh yeah, I’ve got shock right there. Go ahead. I’ve got some shock right there. Tap with me. I’ve got some shock right here. Eyebrow. I’ve got some shock. I’m unwinding right there. I’ve got some shock right there. Side of the eye. Thank you, body, for letting me know.
[00:21:07] Thank you, body, for letting me know. We may not know the answer. We may not know the answer. And I want to unwind the shock. And I want to unwind the shock. Unwinding the shock right there. Unwinding the shock right there. Letting my body unwind. Letting my body unwind. Into the arm. It’s okay to unwind a bit here.
[00:21:34] It’s okay to unwind a bit here. It’ll make me more resourceful. It’ll make me more resourceful.
[00:21:44] And I, I continue to invite my body to unwind anytime it needs to. I invite my body to continue to unwind anytime it needs to. Yeah, see, like, yawning is a part of tapping for many people, or at some times, tears. Tears is an unwinding in the nervous system, um, our jaw, our, like, coughing, you heard me cough a few times, like there’s some unwinding of chest stuff that’s happening.
[00:22:21] Notice, go ahead. I think you were talking about the joints, the muscles, like to me, I think that intense shock, we’re going to go into the fight, flight, freeze. There’s going to be some aspects of that. And if we don’t, like, if you’re freezing, like you’re very still. And then your, your joints are like, if you’re not resolving that all the way, the muscles and the joints are going to hold some of that afterwards fighting, you’re going to be more like you’re priming yourself.
[00:22:48] Your, your hormones are off your cortisol is off. Like you’re shifting things. And if we’re You know, like shock is like going to evoke some of those feelings, especially at the higher level shock. So it’s not surprising that if we don’t unwind it, it’s going to be in our body. And then our subconscious doesn’t understand past tense.
[00:23:08] So if we’re leaving it unsolved, it’s kind of hanging out and your body is still like, Oh, I think I’m still shocked about that thing. I’m still like, that thing is still happening. And if we don’t help flush it out, then it’s just gonna, we’re gonna, our muscles and body, our body’s going to hold on to it, if that makes sense.
[00:23:26] What were you going to say, Rick?
[00:23:32] If you do just a very straightforward the shock in my body, wherever it is, the shock in my body, wherever it happens to be hiding out. Yoo hoo! Um, unwinding the shock in my body, unwinding the shock in my body, unwinding the shock in my body. Now notice, three times in a row now, as I’ve been tapping, my, my jaw Has unwound in big way.
[00:24:00] Now you can feel it sometimes as like tingles or subtle unwinding. This is an opportunity for us to notice where are the, where are the key places where I’m likely to, to be holding a layer of shock? Yeah, we, we have our favorites, but also there are places I know. I unwind my jaw, my upper neck, a lot, physically, emotionally, I check in with every nap I take I put my hand back there and go, what’s hiding out, because a lot of emotional stuff ends up here for me.
[00:24:56] And then there’s the places where they sort of dissociate. They’re like, Oh, I’m fine. You start tapping on unwinding the shock and they may just say, Don’t forget about my toes. Don’t, don’t forget about my, my, my belly, my deep belly. Um,
[00:25:25] and. If we become aware of it during this unwinding process, um, one invitation is, is to use your hands. Unwinding shock, we are designed to be unwinding when we’re in physical contact. Um, when we’re shocked, there’s a, you know, there’s, there’s a, a tension to it. So, If you know, like now that I know my knees were holding something, if I touch my knees and rub them just a little bit with some, Hey, I hear you.
[00:26:08] We’re in the middle of something right now. workshop. You’re welcome to continue to unwind. And, uh, let me know if I need to change positions or something, but I got you. We’ll continue this. You say that to your heart, you say that to, you know, your armpits, wherever it is that you kind of, Shove stuff and I’ll, I will say my, um, the amount of trauma that gets hidden in women’s breasts is a, and held there as shock and, um, energy.
[00:26:58] It is really worth it for, uh, for us to, to feel our bodies, especially places maybe that we. We’re like, Oh, I don’t touch myself there. I don’t really go deeper. Um, for me, um, my, my testicles can like take something that feels like an existential threat in the world or to the emotional world, and there’s a, an energy there and by me tending to my body and bringing some comfort, it allows.
[00:27:42] It allows my body to say is more needed. And this is really what part of unwinding shock is. It’s like, Oh, you know,
[00:27:55] I, I could use some extra support when a part of your body says that it won’t, if you’re still in shock. It typically won’t. You might cry out, you might scream, you know, might be desperate for help, but it’s not the same thing as, okay, this is one for me to tend to with some support from a friend, from someone who cares about you, from a professional.
[00:28:25] Yeah, that can really help. Um, I wanted, someone asked about, saying a little bit more about the subconscious brain. So, um, we talk about this sometimes when we talk about trauma, but I think intense shocks do evoke, they bring up similar responses. So when we go into fight, flight, freeze, um, if we don’t burn out, like if an animal is, is in shock and goes into fight, flight, freeze, it runs it off, it makes noises, it like shakes, it’ll tremble for a while.
[00:28:57] Um, And it burns off the chemicals and it processes through the emotions. Humans, we’re trained out of that since we’re very small. Big girls don’t cry, I’ll give you something to cry about, pull it together. So we don’t ever get to that trembly, making noises, running around, burning off the trauma. So it gets stuck and shocks can evoke trauma responses.
[00:29:17] And if we don’t, Process them tapping, whatever we do, they get stored in our body and, um, some people we know that do neural new, like studying neurology and traumatology, they call them bubbles, trauma bubbles that get stuck in our body and we kind of isolate them, but they’re. to our subconscious, they’re still happening because it’s still stuck in hippocampus.
[00:29:41] It never got really processed with our prefrontal cortex. Our front of our brain, our thinking brain, understands passage of time and like past, present, and it’s not happening now. But if one of those old trauma bubbles gets activated or we get a new one, our survival brain does not understand that it happened in the past.
[00:30:02] So it’s like, even if it’s something that’s five years, we’re five, it’s some level it’s playing constantly. Our sub, our subconscious is like, this is still happening. And then we get lots of traumas and we have radios and TVs and, you know, computers, all like different traumas in our, in our survival brain is like, what is happening?
[00:30:20] This world is so dangerous. And. So we just, we don’t, it doesn’t understand that it happened in the past. That part of our brain doesn’t because the, we haven’t processed it and got it to move from the amygdala hippocampus to the prefrontal cortex for storage. It’s, and we may, maybe you did part of it, but there’s still a bunch stored.
[00:30:40] And that’s one reason I think shock is so hard for many of us, because it echoes with old shocks we had. So it may be, like, the current shock is bad enough, like, it’s like, Uh, I’m struggling. But, it may have, um, threads to similar, like, Oh, this person I really trusted and adored lied to me, and I remember all the people that lied to me.
[00:31:01] So it could have a common theme. But it could also have, like, oh, I feel this in my body a certain way, and it reminds me of other shocks I had. Or the emotions that are coming up are similar, or my thoughts about myself are similar, and they all kind of echo. So we get that dissonance, like, uh, it’s not just the current shock, but it’s other unresolved shocks that we have floating around.
[00:31:25] So the more we can clear it out, the less there is to resonate with that current shock. No one’s free of shock completely. There’s always have, but the more resilient we get, the less we’re having to deal with all the old echoes and the current thing we’re more dealing with, Oh, this really, really sucks.
[00:31:46] But I dealt with those other ones and they’re kind of resolved. So I have confidence I can do it. And I’m not having to listen to all the old noise as well. So the more you’re doing, you’re here now doing this work, you’re clearing the deck for yourself. So if you can just pat yourself on the shoulder, like.
[00:32:01] You’re helping yourself for the rest of your life deal with that better. So hopefully I answered the question. If not, feel free to ask more. Um, cause I’m a total geek about that. I just love how to understand how our bodies work and stuff like that, how our systems work, but that part of the real, go ahead.
[00:32:19] I’m just going to say the reverb with the old shocks make it so we get more and more scared of shocks. And someone said that they just like to, they want to hide. And they want to, they were just want to, um, don’t want to talk to anyone. They feel depressed. Your system is probably trying to protect you.
[00:32:35] It’s feeling overwhelmed. And if I’m hiding alone in my cave It’s less likely to be shocked, you know, the lions are out there, the, the falling down the hill is out there. If I’m safe and quiet in here, I don’t have to feel so many shocks, but I’m also not getting much joy out of life.
[00:32:54] So, uh, someone said in the chat, thank you. It’s perfect timing. I really resonate with you. I can’t believe they, and this is a really strong, repetitive experience for me. Can we do more on this today? And this also goes to, well, what makes this a skill? There’s the. Oh, I’ve got all these shocks from my past floating around, and I just need to get clear, right?
[00:33:20] Like, if I get clear, then, well, then it won’t be as overwhelming. And that is true. If we went and got the plaque scraped off our teeth, our teeth are in better shape, and it’s done professionally. And then we can just kind of brush our teeth and the like. But you know, being a human, I’m pretty sure that there will be things that come up That are really, I can’t believe they and on a scale of To, really?
[00:33:55] I can’t believe they did that. To, dear lord, I cannot believe all the times I’ve told them to do that. I can’t believe they went and did it again. You don’t have any kids. You wouldn’t know about that. Well, and honestly, ever since I, I, I really, you know. I, I, I put these things into play, and one of the things that I’ve been doing with I Can’t Believe They, or He, or She, or Me, um, I Can’t Believe I Did, um,
[00:34:38] there are shocks that we can probably point to, which are the big T traumas in our life. And to go and build a pathway that is able to handle all of that energy in one swoop would be quite a restructuring of our system, but you know. Um, in relating to people that we genuinely love, I’m guessing there’s a, I can’t, I can’t believe turned the wagon that fast with Adira in the back.
[00:35:22] Okay. That happened today. My initial shock of it was, but I’ve been practicing. Seeing him as a human and as an 11 year old. And so it looks like, even though I can’t believe he did this when I told him, he told him not to, I can’t believe he went ahead and did this. When I told him not to,
[00:35:52] I acknowledge the shock of seeing it again. I acknowledge the shock of seeing it again. And I just want to unwind my shock. I just want to unwind my shock first and foremost, first and foremost, I can’t believe that they did that. I can’t believe that they did that. Eyebrow. Again? Again. Side of the eye. I feel the shock of seeing it.
[00:36:19] I feel the shock of seeing it. End of the eye. And I’m practicing unwinding these little shocks. And I am practicing unwinding these little shocks. I want to get really good at unwinding the little shocks. I want to get really good at unwinding the little shocks. So the big ones unwind with more savvy.
[00:36:39] Well, so the big ones unwind with more savvy. There will be big shocks. There will be big shocks. Because I’m human. Because I’m human. And I don’t live alone in a cave. And I don’t live alone in a cave. Under the arm. I want to get really savvy with unwinding little shocks. I want to get really savvy with unwinding little shocks.
[00:37:06] That’ll be good for my whole system. That would be good for my whole system.
[00:37:15] I like that and I just want to remind people that we don’t have to, I say this often, but you don’t have to do it all at once. Baby steps. If you can be with the shock and the feelings for even one second, You can be present with yourself. If you can tap even gold stars, but like just being with that emotion or the feelings in your body for even like, sometimes I have to do a 10th of a second.
[00:37:38] And then I go run away and I hide in the closet and then I come back and I feel it again for like a tenth of a second. And then I’m like, oh, I can actually do two tenths of a second. And it’s kind of an exponential curve as my body understands it’s not going to die because it’s feeling these really intense feelings.
[00:37:52] And it doesn’t always believe me, but I’m like, um, just Just dip a finger in and then I’m going to back off and I may not do another for like several hours or the next day or I might get support. Rick, can you be with me while I’m doing this? So just remember when we’re talking about dealing with shock, no matter how big it is, it’s resonating with all the older echoes.
[00:38:10] Be gentle with yourself and just take it as you feel you’re right to do. Like listen to your body. Take a deep breath.
[00:38:24] One of the benefits of I can’t believe they is that you’re not in that self recrimination loop. I can’t believe I, now that will come along for the ride, but for a lot of us, again, if you pick the, the littler things, if you pick somebody that you genuinely care about. Right? Rather than the person that you’d celebrate if they died tomorrow.
[00:38:54] First of all, they’re close and there’s a love connection. And there’s, there’s a resonance, especially if they matter to you at all. And what I notice is that as I tapped on that with the picture in mind, that I can’t believe he was running down the hill, and then changed directions like that. Now, he did it.
[00:39:18] Here’s what I notice. Now that I’m not feeling the shock. Well, that’s actually pretty talented without, without actually flipping the wagon out. They’re working together there. And you know, that’s nothing compared to what I used to do with my brother. I’m not saying that I’m not going to, at some point, mention to him that, um, if they want to do some, you know, things, maybe we’ll get a different device than that wagon.
[00:39:48] Or have a helmet on at least. Yeah. And, um, see shock wants me to control. Shock wants me to change the world so that I don’t get shocked that way anymore. As if that’s going to happen as a parent. Not right. Like I’m not that. I’m not that stilly, naïve, to think that I’m going to control, um, anyone else’s behavior.
[00:40:21] I have enough challenge as a human, uh, influencing mind sometimes. But shock has a way of lashing out. Shock has a way of being repulsed the hide reflects or the I just can’t stand you. I’m going to get away. Um, that’s a clue, right? A shock that is sticking with us. Um, we’ll feel like that’s that’s a hangover.
[00:40:48] It’s an echo. I just don’t want to deal with you anymore. Yeah. And, um, And that is a clue, and I think that that’s part of the real skill here is we can recognize it in ourselves. We can recognize when shock happens with those that we love, too, and help them unwind. Someone asked if we could do some tapping on the, um, the control.
[00:41:16] Yeah, do you, are you drawn to tap with that? I think it’s, we want to be in control of our world. Our survival brain wants to feel like we’re in control. It feels safe then when we’re not in control, it’s like, Oh, am I going to be okay? So I think it’s, it’s a, it’s going to be woven into all of this stuff.
[00:41:35] Karate chop, even though I really like to be in control, even though I really like to be in control, I feel good about myself and the world helps me feel good about myself in the world. And sometimes I’m not in control. And pretty much every day there are things I’m not in control over. I don’t like it. I don’t like it.
[00:42:00] It’s shocking. It’s shocking. And I’d like to get better at handling this kind of shock. I’d really like to get better at handling this kind of shock. Top of the head, my brain has some kind of fantasy where I’m always in control. My brain has a fantasy where I’m always in control. I wasn’t in control today, but I will be tomorrow.
[00:42:24] Read my mind. I wasn’t in control today, but I will be tomorrow. I wasn’t in control today, but I will be tomorrow. So yeah, I’m gonna get this all together. I’m gonna get this all together. Under the eye, and I’ll never be out of control again. I’ll never be out of control, and neither will they. Under the nose, and I think I’m lying to myself.
[00:42:50] I think I’m lying to myself. Tim, I don’t like facing that. I don’t like facing that. Callebone, I really thought if I did enough tapping and work on myself. I thought if I did enough tapping and work on myself. Under the eye, I’d really have this all together. I’d have it all together all the time. On top of that, I’d finally be in control.
[00:43:15] I’d finally be in control. Eyebrow, but humans are not always in control. Humans are not always in control. Under the eye, things happen. Things happen. Under the eye, people have free will. People have free will. Under the nose, the environment does things. The environment definitely does things. Jim, politics.
[00:43:41] Politics. Problem. And just mistakes. And just mistakes. Under the arm, I’m not always in control. I’m not always in control. Top of that, but I can be in control of releasing the shock. But I can be in control of unwinding the shock. I’m doing that right now. I’m doing that right now. Nice deep breath. Just notice, like, I think that when we, if we take all control away from our system, it’s overwhelming.
[00:44:16] Like, our system does not like that. But if we can give me control about some part of it. I’m not in control of what surprises me or what What happens in the world, but I can take care of myself and I can do things. So I’m more resilient. So we’re giving ourselves back some authentic control that we do have something that we can work on and do.
[00:44:36] And I think that gives us a lot more, it makes us feel more grounded in reality too. Um, um, we’re going to take a break here in a couple of minutes, but let’s just do one more tapping about the surprise. Um, even though shock is a kind of surprise, even though shock is a kind of surprise. And it’s really surprising that they.
[00:45:02] That way. It’s really surprisingly behave that way. I have really tried. I have really tried. What is the shock protecting me from what is the shock protecting me from top of the head? It’s just shocking. It’s just shocking. My brow. It is shocking. It is shocking side of the eye. I accept the unwanted reality.
[00:45:30] I accept the unwanted reality. It is shocking. It is shocking. I don’t need to hold that in my nervous system, do I? I don’t need to hold it in my nervous system, do I? Jen, the shock may be protecting me from other feelings. The shock may be protecting me from other feelings. No problem. Thank you, shock, for how you serve me.
[00:45:56] Thank you, shock, for how you serve me. On a primal level, it’s so useful. On a primal level, it’s so useful. On a primal level, shock’s amazing! On a primal level, shock’s amazing!
[00:46:11] And I am working on upgrading. And I am working on upgrading. And unwinding the shock that impacts me. And unwinding the shock that impacts me. I’d rather be and this is where you can over the next few minutes. Um,
[00:46:39] there’s a, there’s a usefulness in energy work to have a place where you want your energy to move. That makes sense. Acceptance is one of those. But when it comes to shock, um,
[00:47:01] how would you like to feel? You can take some of the, I can’t believe that. I can’t believe that. Um, situations, if you get shocked by something, where’s your go-to? And this is part of, like, you, you can’t build a road to nowhere. Um, there’s a kind of, um,
[00:47:32] if it’s shocking to me, a place I can go is. Clear about what matters to me. And there’s some intensity there, right? Not just, I want to feel peaceful and calm and clear about what, no, no, we’re going from shock, the next way point. Where do you want to go? Like, Oh, I want to have my shit together. Okay. Well, that’s right.
[00:47:58] Like, okay. I want to be clear about what matters to me. I want to be clear about what’s going on, even if it’s hard to face. I want to be clear about what’s the unwanted reality here. Now if you say something like that, and please play around with it, there’s no right or wrong answer. You may be the type of person that can go from shock to namaste.
[00:48:24] Um, like. There are people that can. I can’t. My energy when I’m, I’m shocked is highly aroused. And where do I want to go? I want to be clear about what matters to me. If I, if I land there, I feel empowered. That’s what we’re looking for, is something that, um, Helps you feel like you can be clear and empowered in a situation.
[00:48:51] So I’m going to take a break for seven minutes and we’ll be back. I know some people have said that they’re going to be, um, it’s late where they are or they’re whatever. If you need to make a graceful exit, please know we appreciate you. Um, and if you’re on the replay, we invite you to take a break and kind of let things settle a bit.
[00:49:11] Maybe do some physical movement, unwinding. All right. See you soon. Recording. Welcome back. And Cathy’s video is, um, shockingly off the line, and we’re gonna, but we can hear her. And, uh, so we’re going to continue on. Um, yeah.
[00:49:39] Someone said in that, you know, when, when they get that, I can’t believe that, that what they’d like to do is to, to be, feel safe and grounded. And. Like I said, some people can go right there. It’s like, I’m shocked and I’ve decided to be safe and grounded in my body anyway. And their body will respond and they’ll be safe.
[00:50:13] Oh, there she is. Here I am, yay! And, and that’s um, nope, it’s frozen. Okay. And, as we said before the break, I invite. You to explore, Hey,
[00:50:34] what’s a place I can, if I’m in shock, what’s stabilized for me. So if somebody has lost a lot of blood and the EMTs are helping them to keep from dying, they don’t try to get them to be like, Oh man, I feel, I feel pretty good, you know, I feel safe. I feel everything’s no, no, it’s called stabilized for transport and.
[00:51:03] I use that as a, in the emotional world, a shock can be so impactful. It just plays out differently than blood loss. And I asked, you know, um, someone shared in the chat about, hey, I, um, the fear of it happening again.
[00:51:33] And I asked how intense is the, uh, the shock that it happened the first time. If the shock now is. A 10 plus, plus, plus, plus, and someone else answered a thousand, that’s your target. You’re going to be afraid of it happening again. It’s not about whether it happens again, because if the shock around the first one is still at a 10, you have, we have no capacity.
[00:52:04] Of course, we’re like, if you were carrying
[00:52:11] 200 pounds. Right? Someone just dumped 200 on you in your arms and your back. Oh my God. I’m collapsing under the weight of this. Um, you don’t have any more capacity for another 200. You don’t. And, and we, this is not trivial. Things happen. Someone said, what about the big shocks? Yeah. The big shock of a cancer diagnosis, recurrent, uh, recurrence that even shocks your medical professionals.
[00:52:48] They’ve just, they’ve never seen anything like this. Um,
[00:52:59] it’s, it’s tender to know that we’re, things like that happen to us and they happen to people we care about. They’re happening, you know, I’m hearing and some, some of it’s private and some of it’s public, um, a big shock. If I know I’m in shock, they’re the clue of like, I don’t know what to do with us. I don’t know.
[00:53:30] I don’t know how to live. I don’t know how to deal with this. Do you notice what I’m, like, I don’t know how. I don’t know. It is right now. I don’t know how I can handle this. Why? Like, trying to answer the existential why question. Um, the tapping could be like, yeah, this is, I’m in shock. I’m in shock about this diagnosis.
[00:53:55] Shock. I’m still in shock about what happened. Still in shock about what happened. I’m still in shock about what happened. I’m still in shock about what happened. I’m still in shock about this diagnosis. I’m still in shock about this diagnosis. I’m still in shock about what they said. I’m still in shock about what they said.
[00:54:14] Chin, I’m still in shock about what happened. I’m still in shock about what happened.
[00:54:23] And I need to unwind enough. And I need to unwind enough. So that I’m stable enough. So that I’m stable enough. To have my clarity. To have my clarity.
[00:55:03] It looks like you’re about to say something, so I do want to step in. Yeah, I, I appreciate you’re, you’re very in tune. If you check in with the shock of it happening or the diagnosis or what they said, whatever it is that you were tuned to,
[00:55:21] did it move at all? There’s nothing wrong if it didn’t move, but if it didn’t move at all,
[00:55:33] it’s protective. Okay. In a big way, if it’s a big deal, it’s a big shock, big impact on our nervous system. Maybe it’s layered on top of a lot of other things like it, um, that we might not even know was there still on still tense and unwound, not and still wound up, um, it may move like a micro inch, but you can feel it.
[00:56:06] It’s like, okay, that was good to acknowledge. It’s a big deal. If it’s not moving at all. Here’s the thing,
[00:56:17] there’s probably a big, big, big feeling that you’re. You’re not actually ready to feel here, or by yourself, or, yeah,
[00:56:33] um,
[00:56:41] if I’m not able to handle the idea that my, my,
[00:56:50] my daughter could die. If that’s, or my son and adult daughter, people I care about, or myself, the guy in the mirror that I care about. If I just don’t, no, no, I can’t deal with that. Um, it’s better to be shocked that somebody else was putting them at risk than for me to have the big feeling. Great. Cause you get to displace it onto someone else.
[00:57:20] You get to blame them. Blame is often involved in this blame. We may blame ourself or someone else, but the blame kind of keeps everything stuck in a way it kind of anchors, cements it in place until we can release some of that. We touched earlier in the workshop, uh, Cathy did about control. We did some tapping there.
[00:57:40] If, if our trauma response is to decide to be in control, anything that points that we’re not, is likely to, to get stuck in a shock. It’s okay, we, that’s how we protect ourselves. Can I give an example that I think speaks to something someone said, or just, they were saying they were, they were really shocked and surprised that people in their family will sometimes be kind or nice, and then they just attack sometimes.
[00:58:06] They’re really mean and cruel. And I think, one, there’s a should in there. People should be consistent. I like consistent people as well. But some people are triggered by different things, or Release things in different ways. They don’t have greatest coping skills. It’s really painful to be around them, but there’s a should about that.
[00:58:25] I had a hard time my, I was abused as a kid and I had a really hard time. I would blame, I blame myself and I still have echoes of that sometimes, but I blame myself a lot for that. By blaming myself, I didn’t have to face the realization that I was living with people that could be cruel times. People that I loved, that I had to rely on, I didn’t want to look at that.
[00:58:47] It was like impossible for me to see those people that way. It must be something I’m doing to, that’s wrong or bad. I’m blaming myself, and then the blame keeps everything locked into place so I don’t have to feel the horror of all the abuse when I had no place else to go. Like I was a little kid. I mean, I remember trying to run away when I was five and there was no place to go and I went back home.
[00:59:09] Um, so. When we, when we have stuff that we, is too big for us in the moment, or we don’t have the support or the knowledge on how to break it down, we will hold on to that shock and we will also, we often blame either ourselves or someone else to kind of hold it in place. So if you’re noticing a lot of resistance, please don’t think you’re bad or wrong.
[00:59:29] Don’t add more blame or shame onto that. Your system is doing its best. It also may have ideas of what you can handle based on when you were a little kid when this first happened. So again, the little baby steps, getting some support. Seeing that other people can handle it, showing your system. Yeah, I can lift this little weight.
[00:59:47] Oh, I did it. Now I can lift twice that much. Not trying to jump like Rick was talking from shock to like running that marathon or like, you know, being all fine and dandy, but just notice that if you notice blame on yourself, there’s often, you know, sometimes I did something wrong. I screwed up something. I can take the blame, but I don’t hold onto it for decades.
[01:00:08] Hopefully. Um, but if you’re holding on to it, there might, like Rick said, something underneath that’s, that’s percolating and you’re just afraid to look at it or you don’t think you can handle it. Even though I might not be able to handle it.
[01:00:27] Even though I might not be able to handle it. Even though I might not be able to handle it.
[01:00:34] The shock is still really intense. The shock is still really intense. And time has passed. And time has passed. But the shock is still really intense. And the shock is still really intense. I accept that there may be some deep intelligence here. I, I understand there might be some really deep intelligence here.
[01:00:57] Top of the head. This shock may be really serving me. This shock may be really serving me. Eyebrow. And it’s a big deal. And it’s a big deal out of the eye. It is a big deal. It is a big deal.
[01:01:15] This particular shock is a big deal for me. This particular shock is a big deal to me under the nose. I want to feel supported. I want to feel supported in unwinding this sufficiently in, in winding this sufficiently June, Jen, so that I’m clear. So that I’m clear collarbone and a bit more confident each day and a bit more confident each day under the arm.
[01:01:51] I really want to unwind the shock here. I really want to unwind the shock here, top of the head, and I ask the intelligence in my body, mind, and spirit. I ask the intelligence of my body, mind, and spirit. What the prerequisites might be to unwinding this. What the prerequisites might be to unwinding this.
[01:02:15] That was really nice. Someone asked, tapping on the blame and shame, and I, I, it’s come up now several times privately, and thank you for posting that. Um, so if the, I can’t believe that is, I can’t believe that I, or I can’t believe that I didn’t It’s a shock where instead of being at someone else, it’s internal.
[01:02:46] That’s a definitely a big flavor of shame. Okay, I can’t believe I didn’t. I can’t believe that I, I, I’m even tapping on that as honest as you can be. Um, blame is essentially that. I can’t believe that I. How could they? How could I? How could I? Pop of the head. How could I? How could I eyebrow? I can’t believe that.
[01:03:16] I, I can’t believe that. I, sorry. Yeah. I can’t believe I didn’t. I can’t believe I didn’t under the eye. And the shock is keeping me really activated. . The shock is keeping me really activated under the nose, and when I’m not activated, I’m feeling all this blame. I’m not activated. I’m feeling all this blame.
[01:03:37] Can blame and shame go round and round? Blame and shame go round and round. Hold on, and this is actually not all that useful. This is actually not all that useful. I want to be more savvy with myself. I want to be more savvy with myself. Top of the head. What if I set aside the blame and shame for a bit?
[01:03:59] What if I set aside the blame and shame for a bit? How do I want to adapt my behavior in a healthy and thriving way? How do I want to adapt my behavior in a healthy and, what, I’m sorry, I lost the other word. Thriving way. Thriving way, yes. We did a workshop on reframes. This is where a reframe can be very helpful.
[01:04:21] I could look at it this way, and in which case, you know, I can’t believe that. And I choose to look at it this way now, this is the frame of reference I’m gonna, I’m gonna look at and landing on that, if, if, if somebody is in shock, their capacity to reframe is, um, negligible, right? Unless you have one that you can just pull out of your pocket and read, um, I
[01:04:54] am not responsible for my son’s stupidity. Even though I birthed him, you know. It was right in my pocket! Wisdom from my unshocked self. And you go from there. Like, I, and I don’t know, I believe it’s useful for us to acknowledge that, um, shock, just like being trauma informed, shock is an aspect of this.
[01:05:27] Unwinding shock is often the first step. To healing trauma. If somebody is in shock and you’ll see this on circle calls, if I check in with someone and like how high is the shock, if it’s a 10, it makes no sense to move forward without massaging and being with the shock of it, the shock of it, the shock of it, I can’t believe I, why, um, people that want to, you know, they got divorced 20 years ago, there was a betrayal.
[01:06:04] And the why, but why did they, why did he, why did she, why did they, um, that’s a protective shock. There are probably some really big feelings, maybe regret and, you know, loss and all kinds of things. The early stuff that came in. But these are the clues. And if we hear them in our friends, we hear them in our kids, we hear them in, um, ourselves.
[01:06:36] And we go, Oh, there’s a shock here. Warming it. Unwinding it. Acknowledging it. Yeah, even saying, I imagine that was a real shock to your system. You say that to, I say it to you, I imagine it was a real shock to your system
[01:07:04] can be the start of an unwinding, um, the acknowledgement because often we’re, we can start, like Cathy said, We can, we can blame and shame ourselves for still not getting over it. I’d like something you said, a couple of questions, a couple of comments and questions in here, because I think it. You were talking about how, like, we don’t want to see the negative in ourselves.
[01:07:31] The blame, I think, being accountable and being, acknowledging things we did wrong is great. Blame and shame is not really effective. It doesn’t really change anything, it just makes everybody wallow in the muck. But one of the things I think our society does is, someone said, I’m surprised by the concept that I don’t have to be fine and dandy.
[01:07:51] We don’t have to be fine and dandy. We don’t have to be perfect, but I think a lot of people here, we’re sensitive, caring people. We know what it’s like to feel hurt. So we so don’t want to hurt anyone else. We don’t want to mess up. We try to be perfect all the time. So we’re trying to like operate at 110 percent all the time.
[01:08:09] And then if we ever fall short, we’re just on ourselves. Sometimes I’ve made mistakes that I look back and I’m like, Oh my God, I can’t believe I did that. Or I would have done anything not to do that. Or we might feel that around other people like why are they doing this stuff. And I think that if we can see that our baseline doesn’t have to be 110 percent it can be 80, like we can aim high, 80%.
[01:08:33] Great. I’d like that. Um, give ourselves some grace to not be perfect and accept that in ourselves. Then we don’t have to displace it onto someone else. And the person was sharing about how their family kind of makes them a scapegoat. That is very, very common triangulation in family dynamics. The family decides on one person.
[01:08:53] It’s usually someone pretty smart and emotionally savvy, because if I can see their emotional responses on their face. The shame that I should be feeling. I feel some relief. So if I blame someone else that actually is intelligent and emotionally tuned in enough to actually respond in a way that I should be responding or I think I should be, then I don’t have to feel it so much.
[01:09:16] And I think people that can’t accept that we all make mistakes, we all do things that are not perfect, we don’t always feel have to feel good. That’s, I think that might be a useful call at some point to do. Just like, how can I accept that things aren’t. 100 percent perfect all the time. Because, you know, we’re going to stay shocked and surprised when people treat us badly, but if we can see, oh, they have feelings they don’t want to face and they’re putting them on me, I don’t have to take them.
[01:09:45] I, especially as adults, little kids don’t have a choice, but as adults we can go, oh, that’s all about you, it’s not about me at all. And then also give ourselves some grace to not be perfect all the time. It takes some of that pressure off and then we may feel shocked, but we’re not stuck there so long because we’re not blaming and it’s kind of like you’re cementing everything together.
[01:10:06] Does that make sense?
[01:10:11] It was a very tender realization. Um, I held a lot of shock about certain things that happened in my childhood. That if I had actually faced the unwanted truth and reality. at the time, it would have utterly overwhelmed my system. You probably wouldn’t know me. I don’t think I could have survived. And I look at, you know, I look at my family.
[01:10:45] My dad was an alcoholic. I mean, uh, yeah, he was. Nobody called him that. No one faced that truth. It wasn’t until 10 years after, I mean, there were a couple of us that mentioned it at his funeral. Um, not to everybody. There’s kind of acknowledgement and I’ve seen this with like people that are with, with a narcissistic partner or mother, father, sister, brother,
[01:11:24] repeated shock is hard on our system, but it may not be as hard as the terror that we might get hit with of how unsafe we are. And when I see somebody who still feels shock. But also is like, I’m seeing them more clearly now. That’s the unwinding. It doesn’t insulate us from the shock of being treated in, in harsh ways.
[01:11:53] I said, like, if I’m still going to be shocked when I hear. This person said this, and this person did this, and this is changing, and that, oh my god. Um,
[01:12:07] I, I live in Asheville, North Carolina. We’ve been through some things. Um,
[01:12:17] I heard one of my friends story who had a mudslide come right down at his house. Mudslide washed away. There’s still so much shock, but what I’m noticing is If I land from the shock of, of, okay, that’s shocking. I didn’t know that. I didn’t know that you were outside as Godzilla was coming down and knocking down the trees that my friend could have been one of the ones that was washed away.
[01:12:49] Um, I didn’t know that. And I, if I’m triggering anyone, um, I apologize, but this is.
[01:13:00] Where I could land was not being okay and peaceful. I just couldn’t. But I can be like, love matters to me. Caring about the people matters to me. Uh, safety matters to me. Um, respect, not just like for what people do, but respect for their humanity and how challenging it, it is and can be and will be for certain things that are alive with their life.
[01:13:30] Like for those of us that have. Huge empathetic capacity. We’re not taught how to be with empathy where we’re really helpless, right? We can’t help everyone. And we can’t sometimes even help those that we are closest to. I cannot help my daughter get a new job. She’s a PhD, works for a national lab. Um, I,
[01:14:03] so where do I land? If I land back on, well, I know what matters to me. My respect for their humanity, my respect that sometimes it’s the hardest things that we go through that really craft who we become and what we have capacity to be with later in life. I’ve gotten to know many of you very deeply and I know that like I would never wish.
[01:14:31] The shocks and horrors that I know some of you went through, and I’ve come to know you downstream. So I know shock can be unwound to a place where now it becomes depth and clarity and a kind of resilience that doesn’t make us immune to being shocked. It can create and nurture and support the pathways that we have, not just individually, But together, I know that there’s a lot of capacity.
[01:15:07] I feel you all holding space for me right now, as I hold space for you and we hold space together. That’s what makes this a workshop instead of just a podcast. It’s co creating a feel that says, you know, it’s okay. I’m going to get shocked. I’m human. I remember when Cathy mentioned that. I see that happening right now.
[01:15:34] I’m going to start tapping. I’m going to start acknowledging. Oh, this is way too big for me to deal with right now. So I’m going to let the shock be like, I can’t believe it. I just, I refuse to believe it. That’s a safe place to be right now, especially if I’m not adding fuel to it. I refuse to believe it right now.
[01:15:54] I just refuse. I refuse to believe it right now, or I can’t believe it right now. And I’m asking my body to unwind. to stabilize myself so that I have my clarity so that I can move forward and maybe even be thriving anyway, maybe even be thriving anyway. I don’t know if this is useful or not for folks but one thing that I’ve been studying Buddhism a lot and there’s a lot about relieving suffering we all want to avoid suffering but we can learn a lot from it too.
[01:16:25] So, one of the, was listening to Ram Dass the other day and he dealt a lot with people dying, he was very present with their dying, and he’s like, Sometimes taking the suffering away actually can prevent people from growth, like, there’s some, you know, like, you definitely try to avoid it. But if it happens, we can actually go through it and learn from it.
[01:16:47] And one thing he said was like, there’s people in your life that you really dislike. There’s certain politicians, I’m just like, oh, and he said, Maybe we can have, we can, we can, you know, we don’t have to vote for them. We can camp, you know, do whatever we want to like try to make it better. But maybe we can also at the same time have compassion that maybe they’re going through a different experience in life.
[01:17:08] They chose different lessons. They’re just at a different part of their path, whatever it is, however we hold that, that we can still have compassion that they might be struggling with stuff and learning things too. And someone was sharing about their family being mean. That’s kind of what brought it up.
[01:17:23] Maybe that, you know, they haven’t been able to embrace something higher right now and maybe that they’re learning something they need or maybe who knows what’s going on for them. Yes, I can do what I can to protect myself and to not stay with them. And, but I can also have some compassion that Oh, They don’t, they’re just dumping it on me because they don’t know what’s, it’s not right.
[01:17:43] It’s not good. It doesn’t make it the right thing to do, but they’re, they’re doing it because it’s a coping mechanism they learned. So for me, it’s like, it doesn’t absolve them of everything, but having that bit of compassion is let me be more. Quiet with people and not like, oh, I don’t have to take it.
[01:18:00] They’re trying to dump it on me, but I can have some space where, oh yeah, they’re, it’s the best they know how to do. It’s really kind of sucks. I wish they were someplace else, but, um, just a thought. Thank you for That’s a, that’s a, an example for me of you take the shock of what someone says and does. And you stabilize yourself well enough that, you know, compassion, it’s a good look for me.
[01:18:26] I’m, I’m, I’m reinforcing, I’m reinforcing that. And I’m not forcing it, but I’m reinforcing that it’s a good look for me. Like, I know you as a compassionate person. My goodness. For 18 years, you’ve been the most compassionate human I’ve ever known. And it is not surprising that, that even in the midst of shocks and horrors of of the emotional, political kind, that that could be a place where you would find yourself.
[01:18:57] And if we find a place where we, like, okay, this is me, and now what? And then we can, we can enjoy things that, and people that really are our kin, that share values, and share what matters, and co create together. Yeah, I feel really blessed to be here with all of you. Thank you for the co creation. Thank you so much, Rick.
[01:19:24] Ah, your feedback is, uh, invited, not required, and invited. Thrivingnow. center, where the replay will be posted, um, is a place where you can engage, share, um, we invite that. You’re, you’re in our hearts and in our, in our energy. Thank you for being a part of this circle and community. Until next time. Bye everyone.
[01:19:53]
Great to have you on this journey with us!