I love to give generously!
I hate to “give in.”
What’s the difference… and how do we avoid having our generous nature used against us?
For me to be wholly generous requires that I be CLEAR why some act is a YES for me. How does it serve my thriving?
Not in a selfish way, of course. Generosity by definition includes what benefits us and those who we share a we-space with.
I’ve noticed that when people are not clear what makes an act a YES for them, resentment often builds.
It gets worse if someone does something that “looks generous” but is actually a NO NO NO (at least in that moment).
So the Art of Generosity asks us to be skillful. What makes this a YES for me? And if it is not a yes, I say NO (and explore what would be a YES for me).
My life changed utterly when I “got this.” Cathy’s, too.
We get together this coming Tuesday to teach and explore this with our circle of generous kinfolk from around the world.
Will you join us?
P.S. Adira says, “I’m making muffins! I will share! Me so generous…”
Is your generous heart a strength… or weakness?
For me it is both.
I learned the hard, depleting way that if I am generous in order to GET something I NEED… even good people will take advantage of that.
Why? Because there’s a part of the human default operating system that is designed to TAKE, to harvest energy from anywhere we can find it.
If I am willing to give, give, give in order to get appreciation, acceptance, love… it’s in other people’s short-term interest to deprive me of what I seek! Why? Because they are still getting, and if they give back to me, well, I’ll be satisfied and less desperate.
I hated that I was so easily manipulated. It was a weakness of mine… giving too much in order to get what I craved.
Having healthy boundaries is part of it, but not the core.
At the core of making Generosity a strength (and delight!) is getting the benefits personally, deeply, internally.
There IS a pleasure in giving! If I am solid into why giving my heartistry to others matters to me, then in the giving I am experiencing the qualities of living that I enjoy.
In the giving, I am strengthening myself. Expressing myself. Living an aspect of my thriving life of abundance.
Isn’t that the same as going for a walk?
When we walk, we explore and enjoy the world. Our muscles pump, our bones undulate, and our mind is focused differently.
Same with generosity. It’s good for us… in and of itself… IF we’re clear why a particular giving is right for US.
Just like a walk, it can be amazing to walk with a dear friend, too. It’s awesome when our generosity is met with energy flowing back to us.
The people in my life who respond to my generosity with appreciation, closeness, and love are precious indeed. That’s true in my business also.
Yet, we know we can be generous AND anonymous. Sometimes that’s even easier! Why? I believe it is because anonymous generosity decouples us from the expectation we’ll get something back beyond the self-respect it gives us.
So… is it complicated to be a generous soul in a world of those who might withhold from us, or take without giving back? Or weaponize our generosity against us?
You bet! Which is why it is a real skill.
Even if you don’t choose to join us, my hope is that if there are things you do “because you’re generous” that are not actually a YES to you… Pause. Consider. Get clear. Re-Evaluate. Choose Your Yesses.
We welcome your insights, ah-ha’s, and sharing. Please! Click [Reply]
Authentic Generosity: Generosity feels good when it’s authentic. It’s about giving that genuinely comes from your heartistry and grounded in your YES.
Understanding Love Languages: Recognizing how people receive love can help in expressing generosity. Some people may appreciate acts of service, while others may value words of affirmation or physical touch.
Building Deep Trust: Trust is crucial in generosity. It’s about knowing that the other person won’t sacrifice themselves for you and vice versa. This trust can lead to a dynamic of ease in the act of giving.
Avoiding Resentment: Generosity mixed with resentment can be toxic to a relationship. It’s important to honor oneself and our limits.
Balancing Needs: Generosity also involves balancing one’s own needs with the needs and requests of others. Include ourselves in our generosity!
Clear Communication: Being clear about what one can and cannot do is essential. If something is not within one’s capacity or willingness to give, it’s important to communicate that.
Understanding Obligations vs Generosity: It’s crucial to differentiate between obligations and generosity. Doing something out of obligation is not the same as doing it out of generosity.
Self-Forgiveness: It’s okay not to be perfect at being generous all the time. It’s important to forgive oneself for the times when one wasn’t as generous as they wanted to be or when they were too generous.
Click for Computer Generated Transcript
[00:00:00] The art of generosity, giving without giving in.
[00:00:04] I’m Rick from Thriving Now, and I’m here with Cathy Vartuli from Thriving Now and the Intimacy Dojo, a truly generous person. And one of the things I think we bonded over early, Cathy, was when you’re a really generous person, how do you create? A dynamic between you and the rest of the world where you go from yes to yes to yes.
[00:00:27] Oh, yes. Yes. I love that. Uh huh. Yes. Yes. Without like, uh, do I have to or I really didn’t want to, but I’m a generous person. And don’t I have to if I’m a generous person and I did it before and. So what are, how would you orient us as we go into this journey and this workshop together? Um, well, one of the things I’ve noticed about Generosity is it feels good when it’s authentic, it feels good on both sides.
[00:00:57] And one of the things I thought early on when I first heard about the five languages, And, you know, he’s problematic, but I love the definition of like, Oh, some people receive love by touch and some people by words of affirmation. And one of mine, I was like, Oh, I think he missed one. I think when someone genuinely, genuinely receives something I’m offering.
[00:01:19] With a warm heart that feels so good to me and staff. Someone say, Oh my God, that’s perfect. That’s lovely. My, my brother in law is one of the best he’s received gifts so well. He gets so excited, just like a little kid. He finds the most amazing things about them, tells you how you found this gift that just made him feel like Christmas as a kid and.
[00:01:41] It’s just like, I feel warm every time I give him a gift, and of course, you know, that makes you want to find gifts for him. Um, and I love, Rick, you and I, early on, we found that there was a real ease about the giving. And I just asked Rick, I know he’s super busy this weekend, I said I might need some help with something that’s really important to me.
[00:02:01] And I felt perfectly safe. Telling him this is very, very important to me and I know you’re super busy because I trust him. We built this trust over time where I know he’s not going to sacrifice himself to save me. And I’m not going to sacrifice myself to save him. And we also know that we’re super clever and we love each other.
[00:02:21] And we can usually come up with some kind of solution that works. Whether it’s, you know, what we originally thought or not. But there’s a lot of trust and ease in that generosity because We’re not, we’re not asking the other person to sacrifice themselves. And I grew up in a family where people really did.
[00:02:39] There was an expectation that if someone asked for something, you were obligated to do it. And you would really dredge like the, I have this analogy of the gas tank was not only like at the bottom, but it was like dry. And there were little flakes of things there. And you were trying to scrape the energy to do this thing for someone.
[00:02:57] And. That just builds resentment and we’re going to talk about that more, but generosity mixed with resentment is toxic to a relationship. And I think the more we can really honor ourselves and be present with the other person, yes. And you have something you would like, or I’d like something I’d like to give you.
[00:03:17] And I have needs too. And I have other things like I get to balance those rather than just pay attention the way I was trained to do just pay attention to the other person. Just take care of the other person and maybe if you take care of them enough, they’ll give you something back. So could we do a little tapping maybe?
[00:03:36] We, we could and we’re going to, um, and I believe that, uh, we’re calling this the art of generosity. Um, to me, those of us who are by our nature generous beings. Our precious resources. Um,
[00:04:00] if we are tending to our gift with some skill and artistry, um, what happens is that we enhance our own resourcefulness, we enhance the care and stewardship of our gift as a resource. In our life, of course, but in the lives of people that we choose to be generous with, um, I know people who I feel the resonance of their value of being generous, generous, but maybe they’ve operated from obligations or Cathy’s already pointed us at one of the things.
[00:04:44] If it feels like an obligation, it’s okay to do things that are an obligation. Um, but I don’t want to fool myself that that’s being generous. That’s an obligation. I’m doing an obligation. Okay. That’s, that’s not actually being, I don’t like paying them, but I’m going to do it. Right. So, if I knew putting this out there that this was not the kind of pain point survival thing that would get a lot of attendees, um, And yet I could not do what I do and be who I am for my friends, my family, and my community, my circle, uh, if I didn’t, hadn’t built up these skills, because it’s very easy to be.
[00:05:36] As a generous person, most of us are more easily asked to do things. You don’t ask the, the selfish jerk, um, more than once or twice, right? Because they’re going to be like, do it yourself. Like, that’s not my problem. Like that’s the language of the person who is. not interested in being generous. Um, maybe that’s from trauma.
[00:06:04] Maybe that’s from being abused. I’m not judging them as a person, but there’s an energy there for those of us that are generous. We’re going to be asked often for more than what we Actually have the resource to do, uh, or that even more clearly what is a yes for us to stay in our thriving and stay in our, um, our resourcefulness.
[00:06:30] Um, that’s what often leads to depletion. Another word for depletion is burnout. Um, and if you’ve noticed this at any time in your life, that you went through a period of being what you would call over generous or giving in for all the reasons, like not to make waves, not to be viewed as not a good person.
[00:06:52] Hey, that’s unfamiliar. The chat is open. If any of this is striking a chord, it’s helpful to Cathy and I, as we tune the workshop, like what’s alive for you. What are the things that you are looking to clear up? Um, so that you can be generous and be clear. I think one thing to add at this point is that we’re looking for people we can be generous with on a clear slate.
[00:07:21] There’s a lot of people that have made their, their livelihood, so to speak, out of manipulating other people. Bosses that imply, you better help me out. Like there’s like an often a subtext. And you know, that’s one of the things we, we We may decide to do something for that. You’re like, okay, I’m going to give, give that boss what he, what he’s asking, but I can be clear that it’s not out of generosity.
[00:07:44] It’s because I’m being required to do it or that there’s an implied something. And with friends, we might say, wow, It’s interest to do it. Um, it exercises my, my self care for providing myself with a job and the income from that, um, If it hits your, your generosity muscle, um, or that, that strength within you, well, I’m a generous person, so I’ll do this.
[00:08:10] Um, we do invite as part of the art of generosity to set that aside. Notice we’ve done that with people that put pressure on. You may say yes for your own reasons, but knowing that, look, I’m doing that to preserve harmony. At a time of great discord in the family or in the, uh, at a risk financially that I’m in or whatever, um, And that’s a good and hearty thing to acknowledge.
[00:08:41] Generosity, we want, I want to cultivate from a place of, um, yeah, clean slate. And sometimes that comes with new people that you meet. Like, um, I will, I remember sharing with my partner, Gem, early on, and she reflected it back to me today. And I was like, wow, you remember that conversation. Yeah, she did.
[00:09:04] Because I said, look, I have a big yes. And I’m, what I can tell you is that I’m very open to being asked by you for a variety of things that could be helpful. Um, maybe you need me to go to the grocery store. Maybe you need to, you know, do whatever. Um, I am not going to weed whack your yard, ever. So, you can ask, but I’m not going to.
[00:09:30] So I gave Jim an example, a couple of examples. And she was like surprised in a good way, not necessarily a trusting way yet, but that conversation from a generous person, I have a big yes and I know my no. And the other thing I said was, um, if it’s a no, I will communicate that to you. And if I’m aware of what would be a yes, I’ll share that too.
[00:09:57] But if I say yes to you, I’m not going to change the story on you down the road. Also, if I ever need to exchange. Um, I’ll be clear about that. And if I’m not clear about that, that’s on me. She’s like, okay, we’ll see. And over five years, she’s seen that. And, um, that’s, that’s my come from is that that was so freeing to me.
[00:10:27] It’s so freeing as a generous person to be able to communicate that to someone new in your life. Like, I love being generous. It’s a good look for me. You know, um, it feels good inside my heart. Um, I don’t do it as an exchange and you can count on me that, um, if I say no, um, that it’s You know, I’ve considered it.
[00:10:52] Um, yeah, what’s coming up for everybody? Um, if you have any questions or things that you’d like, you want to make sure that we cover Cathy and I have some notes and things we’re going to tap on. Do you want to do a tapping? Yeah, we’ve got some good stuff coming. Thank you. . Yeah. Um, I’d love, I’d love to just start with some tapping on like, let’s forgive ourselves for not being perfect at this
[00:11:19] That’s okay. Yeah. Love everyone. If you feel feels right to you, to take a nice, gentle, deep breath, let yourself drop in here. And now notice that there’s probably some things pulling at you. Let yourself come here and now into the circle. Feel your feet on the floor and your butt in the seat. Karate chop.
[00:11:39] Even though I haven’t done this so well all the time. Even though I’ve definitely not done this so well all the time. Sometimes I wasn’t as generous as I wanted to be. Sometimes I wasn’t as generous as I wanted to be. Other times I was way too generous. Other times I was way too generous. And I wasn’t so gracious and graceful about it.
[00:12:01] And I wasn’t so gracious and graceful about it. Maybe that’s okay. Maybe that okay. Even though I didn’t always get this quote unquote right Even though I didn’t always get this quote unquote right maybe i’m still a good person maybe I am still a good person And I can learn to role model it even better as I go forward.
[00:12:26] And I am definitely interested in role modeling it even better. Top of the head, I didn’t always say no when I wanted to. I did not always say no when I wanted to. And I wasn’t always generous with myself. I wasn’t always generous with myself. Side of the eye. Sometimes I just gave because I’d always given.
[00:12:51] And sometimes I gave because I’d always given. Under the eye, or they expected it. Or they expected it. Under the nose, or I was afraid not to. Or I was afraid not to. Sometimes I didn’t give in a way that felt authentic to me. Sometimes I didn’t give in a way that felt authentic to me. And I didn’t give what felt authentic to me.
[00:13:15] I didn’t give what felt authentic. That hit home. But I’m here now. But I’m here now. Top of the head and I’m really curious. And I’m really curious. Eyebrow. Hey, universe. Hey, universe. Side of the eye. I want to be more authentically generous. I want to be more authentically generous. Under the eye. And I want to include myself in that generosity.
[00:13:48] And I want to include myself in that generosity. Thank you for helping me figure this out. Thank you for helping me figure this out. It’s so important to me. Yeah. And can you help me forgive myself for all the times I wasn’t perfect at this? And please help me forgive myself for all the times I wasn’t perfect.
[00:14:11] Oh, but I probably won’t be perfect going forward. And I won’t be perfect going forward. Under the arm, but I can be a little more conscious. I am being more conscious. Top of the head, and that’s worth a lot. And that’s worth a lot. Yeah, and I a deep breath. And I think, you know, I always want to be perfect at things.
[00:14:33] Like, one of the things, I had a really great discussion with someone the other night about harm. And I’m like, oh, I don’t want to do harm ever. And we got in a discussion about like mowing the front yard. And I’m like, he’s like, if you mow at a neighbor’s yard to help them out, are you doing the, you know, they really need the market, the yard mode.
[00:14:50] Are you doing good? I’m like, of course I am. He’s like, is there harm there? And I was like, Oh no, there’s no harm. And he’s like, what about the bugs that you’re chopping up with the, you know, with the, the blades? And I’m like, Oh no. And he’s like, maybe the grass doesn’t like to be. And I was like, you know, getting in myself, like kind of beating myself up.
[00:15:05] And he’s like, you know, like, what if we can be yes end. Like, we’re doing this good thing, and we’re not, most of the bugs are getting away, but some might be harmed. Like, we never are going to be perfect. We’re never going to not do a little bit of harm or awkwardness to ourselves and to others. We want to make it as little as possible.
[00:15:26] We want to be conscious of it. And we want to make sure that the overall, the intention, the consciousness part of it helps us steer towards more generosity and more goodness, less harm. But I think whenever we set ourselves up to be perfect. We just freeze because there’s no way not to, like, if I walk out the front door, I might step on an ant or a bug that’s too small for me to see.
[00:15:51] Like, even if I’m being really, really careful, I might breathe in a gnat. And that’s probably not good for the gnat. It doesn’t, you know, not fun for me either. But if we can just say, yes, and I’m not going to be perfect. And I think there’s a lot of tender hearts here and there’s a wanting to never do harm.
[00:16:07] The wanting to never like cause anything negative. And yet. , there’s gonna be trade offs in some of this. We’re not gonna get it perfect, but if we can accept, we’re gonna be as conscious and aware and authentic as we can be, and that we don’t always know the repercussions of things. One of my favorite things that happens, I love the story because it really helps me understand.
[00:16:32] We don’t always know what the outcome is. I was given going to give a talk on trauma at a sex positive convention. It was the first time I talked, spoken at this group. And the woman that was interviewing us is very well known. So I was very nervous and I was going into the room just outside the room. Um, someone ran up to me and he’d heard me speak earlier in the day to a small group.
[00:16:55] And he was so excited cause he’d loved what I’d shared. And he went to give me a hug, um, to thank me for what I’d shared. And he poured a hot cup of coffee down my back. Now he was horrified. And I had a wet shirt to go, the back of my shirt was all wet to go into this. But for some reason that grounded me so deeply, I went in there and I like, I knew I rocked it and I’m always like doubting myself.
[00:17:18] I just, I was right on now. He thought probably that, you know, I still wish I could find that person and tell him that what he did actually helped me, but we don’t always know what is harmful and what isn’t. So I, you know, like, I think when we. We do our best to be conscious and aware, to be authentic, and then we turn the rest of it over to the universe.
[00:17:40] The universe can turn things into amazing outcomes, like a hot cup of coffee down your back right before a big talk that somehow just drops you right in and you’re like on fire. There’s a lot of things that, you know, we can’t always know the outcome to things. So sometimes if we say no to someone, that may be what they needed to hear at that time.
[00:18:00] We can ask the universe to please help them find what they need out of that. So if that’s helpful. Which brings us to, to one of the, one of the keys, um, here that Cathy and I are going to touch on. Um, if you are a generous person, it’s easy to make being generous A default, someone asks me, I say, yes, if I can, um,
[00:18:37] the art and I believe it builds a deeper level of trust for ourselves and it is certainly shown in my life to build deep trust with people that I practice this with is to pause. I have found it not useful to make saying yes, my default as, as much of a yes, as I have. We did a workshop on the powerful pause.
[00:19:09] And if somebody asks me for something, um, if it’s going to require. Anything other than, you know, could you hand me that pen? Yes. Um, anything that is calling on my life force, my resource, my time, my change of flexibility. Um, by pausing, I can feel into my body. Is this a yes for me as presented?
[00:19:47] And if it’s a yes for me as presented, like even if I’m texting back, I’ll, I can just say yes. And the other people often feel the strength of my clarity and my yes.
[00:20:07] Because we’re vibrational beings, generosity is a vibe that we give off. It’s, it’s beautiful. And by, by checking in, it means that your yes. When you give it, it can be something that is just really quick in you, but like, Hmm, you grounding it like, Oh yeah, this matters to me. I like who I am when I do this type of thing, it gives me a chance to exercise my generous heartistry with this person in this kind of situation.
[00:20:41] Like, yeah, and I can do this. I’m fortunate to get to be generous in this case. Or yeah, I’m with this person and, and providing my resource with theirs. We’re co creating maybe neither of us would love to stop everything that we’re doing and take care of this, but it’s a, yes, it’s a deeper. Yes. Um, when we, when we get out of the default mode at minimum, at minimum, you’re aware of like, okay, you may still do it, but you know that it’s coming from the, uh, okay.
[00:21:28] You start developing a sense of like, where’s your, where does your generosity fall? And what are things that, um, I have a sensation that I get when I really want to do something, but I’ve paused and. What is the sensation is, um, you can call it a boundary, but when I’m being generous, it’s a consideration, for example, like I would love to be able to be there for you this weekend.
[00:22:03] I’m taking care of the kids from eight o’clock in the morning until six o’clock at night. Um, mom’s going to be in work, a workshop for four days straight. My consideration is. How can we figure out a way to make this happen, um, where there’s enough flexibility so I can take care of what absolutely has to be taken care of, the, the tending to…
[00:22:31] You can’t tell a three year old to take care of themselves. Right, although she… She does like a little doctor show on television a lot. Um, and so a consideration could be, Yeah, I can do that for two hours and then I really must go. So, uh, would you be able to come back after an hour and 45? We can have a little transition and then I can go.
[00:22:56] That’s very different from someone saying, Hey, could you take care of the kids on Friday night? Yes. Can you feel I have a knee jerk default reaction? Oh, of course. I want to stay with the kids. There may be a sense, I believe that for most of us who are generous, there are um, considerations. There may also be boundaries.
[00:23:16] Like that you are aware of, or you need some time. Let me, let me consider that. Um, you are important to me. Let me consider that. And I will get back to you, um, in an hour or 20 minutes or tomorrow morning. Do you see how we’re moving things about generosity from being forever, really falling into the expectation internally, as well as other people.
[00:23:47] Even after five years, my partner, when she asked me to do something notices that I paused, and that is really comforting for her because she knows that I’m tending to my resource. And when I say yes, or I’m clear about that, What I need is a consideration. Um, tonight she had to take an exam and I said, the one consideration that I really need is I, to be fully present for the workshop, I want a shower.
[00:24:20] Um, it’s not life or death. I would still show up. Um, but it would be really good for me to get a shower. And so we shuffled a lot of different things. Dinner and travel and traffic and grocery store and everything else. And I still got my shower. Do you see how that works? We were able to be, um, I was able to create space for her to get a need met her her exam.
[00:24:45] And for me to get a shower. And that’s the kind of the co consideration that happens when you’re deeply checking in with yourself. It’s not just for protection. Yeah, there are people that you have to have boundaries. Like, no, that I am not a yes for that. Um, but with, with other people that you’re building deep kinship with and deeper relationships, or even business relationships that are profoundly.
[00:25:12] Good for both parties. This tending to, um, getting out of the default mode network in our brain and in our, and into our body and really feeling us. Changes everything. It’s, it does make a huge difference. One of my phrases that I use a lot now, whether someone’s asking me for a favor or not, is what would that look like for you?
[00:25:38] So I had a friend that was like, um, can you help me with my taxes? And I’ll make you dinner. And I’m like, what would that look like for you? And she’s like, oh, I’d come over there and we’d spend the whole afternoon together. And I’d, You could get the groceries and I’m like, okay, right there. I’m in no, because I don’t want to have to get the groceries for what you’re cooking.
[00:25:56] And two, it’s a decent friend, but someone I didn’t really want to spend like eight or nine or 10 hours with. I’m like, how about, um, you zoom me, the stuff it will zoom in, in an hour we can get your taxes done. And then sometime when I’m up your way, you can, you can go grocery shopping and make me dinner.
[00:26:14] Like it’s sometimes there’s like. Different people have, and there’s nothing wrong with this. We all have pictures in our heads. So if I say a blue swimming pool to you, like come over, I have a blue swimming pool, it’s beautiful. We can get in. It might be a kiddie pool or it might be a big lagoon. Like we don’t know, like the pictures in our heads are, could be completely different.
[00:26:33] I might be so excited about my kiddie pool that I blew up and filled with cold water. And you’re thinking that it’s going to be like this beautiful heated pool with like lounge chairs and stuff. So. What does that look like? Yeah, and that’s a perfect way to, number three, we’re going to skip number two for a moment.
[00:26:53] Um, how do you, how do you ask as a generous person if there’s an underlying exchange going on? Now this time it was explicit. Oh, I’ll do your taxes and you, you know, I’ll make you dinner. Um, that’s an exchange, but, um, it’s a really useful question. For us to ask ourselves to an exchange is an exchange. Uh, Hey, can I rub your back?
[00:27:30] Oh, I love my background. Rub, rub, rub. Okay. Rub my feet. I don’t have the energy to rub your feet right now. I rubbed your back. Um, so. One of the things that, again, is part of the art of generosity is making sure that, um, if it’s an exchange, that we’re, we start making those more explicit. And that, that very savvy language that Cathy shared, well, what does that look like for you?
[00:28:07] Um, even if somebody asked to rub my back. I might ask, and you know, what makes that a yes for you? Is that a self contained enjoyable thing for you? Oh, I really need to rub somebody’s back and you’re kind of rubbing your neck. And I think that you’d like it. And, you know, um, and it’s a complete thing for me.
[00:28:29] Well, that’s. That’s a match. It’s not a tit for tat. It’s not an exchange. I take you to the airport at 3 a. m. so that I have this chip that I can call on you any time and say, hey man, I did you a favor. Now you’re gonna clean my garage with me. You know, like, whoa, that was not what I signed on for. Um, so, unspoken exchanges.
[00:28:58] Uh, lead to a lot of resentment. Um, I’ve been guilty of that. Like I wanted appreciation and I’d like to do a tapping about feeling like I really need, I need to not feel unworthy. I need to feel appreciated. I need to feel like I’m valued. Um, And so I’m doing these things in order to get back an energy that’s okay, but that’s not actually what I call generosity.
[00:29:24] That’s mutually like trying to get our needs met. We’re using our gift of being a generous person in order to get our needs met. Um, And if I know that, then I can be, hey, uh, I, I’d like to do this, but I’d love a, I’d love for you to share with me, uh, some appreciation. Uh, I know it’s not your, maybe not your normal style, but I’d love for you to write a thank you note of, At least one sentence.
[00:29:55] Um, that’s an exchange, but you’re explicit about it. I’ll do this for you if you’ll do this for me. Um, I’m needing closeness and I’ll rub your back and get that, that closeness. And then the person receiving the back rub might go, Hey, what is that? What does that look like? What does a back rub mean to you?
[00:30:19] We’re BFFs forever and I’m going to move into your guest room. And I’m like, wait, no, no, no. Yeah, or you’ll take off your shirt. And, you know, there, there are things there. Um, and they all, they, they boil down. They, they, they come down to that essence of clarity. Of, um, what makes this something I want to give as a, as a complete act?
[00:30:48] Well, it’s not complete unless I get back X. Oh, what I really want is to use my energy and get an exchange for it. Ah, that’s a good. And like, I love exchanges. Exchanges are great. Um, you can offer an exchange too. Um, And, uh, yeah. So would you, um, do you want me to lead a tapping on the unworthy? Because I have something I want to leave from the chat.
[00:31:16] So after you, please. Great.
[00:31:26] Even though I have done things as an unspoken exchange. I have done things as an unspoken exchange. And it feels really uncomfortable to admit that to myself. And it feels really uncomfortable to admit that to myself.
[00:31:45] I’m in the process of clearing that up. I am in the process of clearing that up. Top of the head. I am generous. I am generous. Eyebrow. And sometimes I want an exchange. And sometimes I want an exchange. Side of the eye. And sometimes I just love being generous. And sometimes I just love being generous. I like being useful.
[00:32:10] I like being useful. I like being kind with my energy. I like being kind with my energy. I even enjoy opportunities to be… Really competent. I enjoy opportunities to be really competent. All alone. Or compassionate. Or compassionate. Or a great companion. Or a great companion. Or certain things. Or certain things.
[00:32:37] Not weed whacking. Not weed
[00:32:44] whacking. I want to differentiate between exchanges and generous acts. I want to differentiate between exchanges and generous acts. That might be really helpful for me. That might be really helpful for me. Eyebrow. But how will I feel valuable? How will I feel valuable? Side of the eye. I’ve done things because I felt unworthy.
[00:33:10] I’ve done things because I’ve felt unworthy under the eye. I needed them to say I was valuable to them. I needed them to say I was valuable to them, and I gave in in order to get, I gave in in order to get Jen. I thought that really. Doesn’t feel good. That really doesn’t feel good. I value generosity and that is a good thing.
[00:33:37] I value generosity and that is a good thing. Ah.
[00:33:45] I think there is, there are times, like we can be generous and exchange. So, um, I asked Rick for some time this weekend if he had it. Um, he also is really, really busy. And he, one of the things he mentioned, I’ll have to feed the kids and I’m like, well, if he has offered this and we haven’t decided, we haven’t figured out what will work, but I said, well, I know the kids love sushi.
[00:34:07] The family loves sushi. It’s a special treat. They don’t get it all that often. So what if I bought sushi, sushi for the family, so he doesn’t have to cook. I’m still kind of super at Cathy giving a treat to the family. It’s kind of generous. And he would also, you know, It’s there’s an exchange, but there’s also value added on both sides like his presence was something I need to do would be very, very far more valuable than the cost of the sushi, if that makes sense.
[00:34:31] So it doesn’t have to be an equal. We don’t necessarily have to be like tit for tat. And you’re like, don’t I have people that negotiate. And it’s like, I’m doing this and you need to throw in a lollipop and, you know, five smiles or something. It doesn’t have to be that rigid, but I think it is really important if we can just be explicit about things.
[00:34:53] And I think it’s a beautiful segue. There’s a couple of people that shared in the chat. Um, I think something that’s really. It’s really a struggle one person and they’re similar so I want to put them together in the same the same sense of obligation and expectation. So one person has an adult child and their partner that pressured this person and her husband to pay for things that we are unable to.
[00:35:19] And when we said we couldn’t, we were told to. We were as parents and we’re not doing the right thing for the son. It feels like they’re being bullied and now there’s distance and um, they’re losing connection with their grandkids, which I’m so sorry about that. That’s really tough. And another person said that their daughter is essentially living hand to mouth, and she’s the first person that calls for money.
[00:35:40] It’s always an emergency. And then she often says she’ll pay her back, but then there’s radio silence. And the next time till the next time, um, And yeah, we don’t want our kids to suffer or, you know, like we want to be there for them. We want to be the super, like, I love being super aunt Cathy. Rick also lives in North Carolina and I live in like a super expensive California.
[00:36:02] So like me buying him sushi is not a big sacrifice for me because it’s like half the price, like his whole family eats for what I would eat sushi dinner for in California. So like, there’s. It’s hard when this is, when this is kind of an obligation. I felt that somewhat when my parents used to come visit me, they would always, they would literally step back when the bill came at the restaurant or the grocery store, they would literally step back and not, and just like, wait for me to pay it.
[00:36:32] And it felt really kind of crappy. Like it felt like, Oh, this is my job to do this. To pay for their food, to pay, even though they’re adults, like, adult people, like, I think when we have children, there’s a certain, like, we do want to be there for the younger, the younger kids, but someone who’s, you know, adult, there’s a, a challenge with that.
[00:36:56] And I think sometimes we risk a lot because we’re really scared to lose that connection. I didn’t want my parents to storm off and never visit me again. But I did want to not have that like, pull at me all the time. That every time we’d go to like, they’d say, Oh, we need to go to the grocery store and I would feel resentment.
[00:37:13] Or we’d be like, Oh, let’s go out for dinner. And I’m like resentful because I love to go out to dinner, but I don’t want to have to be responsible for everything we paid for, that was being paid for. And… I think that one of the things we can try to do, and this is challenging, I’m not saying it’s easy, but I tried to build up the muscle to say, Mom, I know, I didn’t actually start it with my mom, because if they were together, it was going to be a different conversation.
[00:37:39] But I, you know, Mom, I notice every place we go, there’s kind of the expectation I’ll pay for it. And that doesn’t always feel very loving. Like, I know you came all the way down here, but I try to have groceries in the house. Like, I feel like I’ve done plenty to welcome you here, and I don’t want to have to pay for every meal and every grocery trip.
[00:37:59] And she got upset. Like, it was an easy conversation, and then she tried to ignore it and just pretend and went away, and I would just gently bring it up again. I noticed when we went to the grocery store when it came time to pay, you both wandered off, or you both stepped back and put your hands behind your back.
[00:38:14] Um, and… It, it was a muscle I had to build a little bit, but I find speaking out loud sometimes helps, so I’m wondering like for the person whose daughter just kept keep saying I’ll pay you back. It’s like you haven’t paid me back all these times. I want to be there. I don’t want you to be struggling. Um, but I think we need to be more honest about what this is.
[00:38:39] If that’s possible, and I’m not saying there’s no judgment on it. Please don’t think that I’m judging anyone if they decide not to do this, but I do think making things a little more explicit. Can it be very helpful and then like the for the person who’s, I think it’s her son and their partner. We’re, we’re kind of expecting it just like, this is not in our budget.
[00:39:03] We’re not able to do that. And I feel really, I feel bad that you’re, you want this and I don’t want to lose connection with you or the kids. So like naming the thing we’re afraid of is really, really hard and it doesn’t work with everybody, but I find that. Not naming something doesn’t tend to make it better, at least in my experience.
[00:39:25] So I found that, at least what I’ve generally found is if I’m gentle and share my tenderness, my like, I’m scared of this, this feels hard to talk about. Um, there’s at least an opening for some people to have a different relationship with me. And it’s just really, I know it’s really hard when there’s all these expectations.
[00:39:46] Different people have different patterns. He, the, the son might think that you have a lot of money. Uh, the daughter might genuinely like we, you know, we kind of block stuff from our heads. Like, Oh, I don’t want to look at that. I’m going to ignore the fact that I’ve never paid this person back, but, or paid my mom back.
[00:40:03] But if I can’t, you know, like, okay. Let’s not call this a loan because this has never been paid back, and we never talk about it. It’s not a loan. I’d like you to really look at what’s happening. And some of this is my old al anon, like, facing what’s there is often very healing. Um, that’s my belief, and please take what you like and toss the rest.
[00:40:24] But I’d love to do a little bit of tapping on that if that’s okay. Yeah, and it fits with our last workshop, Facing Reality, too. And at least within ourselves, acknowledging. What is the reality that I’m noticing and helping my, my own heart embrace what matters to me, um, so that I’m,
[00:40:49] yeah, for me being a lot of my actions. I know come from a different place than maybe how they seem on the surface. So, um, we’ll get into that here. Fratty chap, even though this really hurts. Even though this really hurts. And I feel incredibly tender around this. And I feel incredibly tender around this.
[00:41:18] There is reality. There is reality. And pretending will not make anybody happier or healthier. I’m pretending as not making anyone happier or healthier. I feel manipulated. I feel manipulated. And I don’t like that feeling. And I don’t like that feeling. It’s genuinely getting in the way of my relationship with these people.
[00:41:41] It’s genuinely getting in the way of my relationship with these people. And I don’t want that. And I don’t want that. Top of head, I want to be generous when it’s right for me. I want to be generous when it’s right for me. Eyebrow, and it may not meet their expectations. And it may not meet their expectations.
[00:42:03] Side of the eye, they’re not a kid anymore. They’re not a kid anymore. Under the eye, I don’t actually owe them, well, their livelihood. I don’t owe them their livelihood. Under the nose, I don’t owe them presents. I don’t owe them presents. Jim, I’d like it to be a thing of generosity. I’d like it to be a thing of generosity, and it doesn’t always happen that way.
[00:42:29] Collarbone, they may or may not be able to hear me. They may or may not be able to hear me. Under the arm, I may or may not be able to say it to them. I may or may not be able to say it to them. Top of the head, but in this moment, I’d like to acknowledge for myself. But in this moment, I’d like to acknowledge for myself.
[00:42:52] Eyebrow, this doesn’t feel good. This doesn’t feel good. Side of the eye, I want to stop pretending. I want to stop pretending. Under the eye, at least with myself. At least with myself. Under the nose, I feel manipulated. I feel manipulated. And I don’t like that feeling. I don’t like that feeling. Caliban, I don’t want to exist out of obligation.
[00:43:18] I do not want to exist out of obligation. And I don’t want to feel like I owe people. And I don’t want to feel like I owe people. Top of the head, I’d like to get clarity for myself. I’d like to get clarity for myself. And just take a gentle breath. If you can, you know, just that’s the first step, getting clarity for yourself.
[00:43:42] And I think that our energy shifts a little bit when we do that. Um, It was a road with my mom and I started bringing my stepdad into, but it’s really, it’s, there’s still, I still feel like I have to, I have the thought that I have to kind of watch them cause they could easily slip back into that. But right now, like when I visited the summer, my mom treated for lunch a number of times, like, and.
[00:44:07] You know, I treated back. It felt like there was a pretty good flow with that. And it felt like I was listening to myself. Did I want to offer or did I want to say, let’s split it? Or like, I tried to pay attention to myself. Um, and I also tried to, she was going through a rough time. So I tried to be like a little bit forgiving if she was not, you know, not as attentive.
[00:44:27] She’s not a very present person all the time, especially when humans going through a lot of stuff. So if you can just be honest with yourself. At first, like if they demand something or manipulate, like, huh, they’re acting like I owe them this. Do I really owe them this? Would I expect Rick to owe that to his adult children?
[00:44:51] Would I expect my best friend or my sister to owe that to someone? And then, you know, then we can start standing on a more firm platform, I think. And I really, my heart goes out, this is a really tough situation. So, you know, if you can be gentle with yourself as you’re going through this too, this is like losing our, our daughter or grandkids or like all of that, it’s just like, Oh, the thought of like Adira and not loving me is just like, rips my heart out the other day.
[00:45:19] She didn’t want to talk to me. I was like, um, so, and she was, she had TV on. So that always wins. Not always. I assure you. Cathy. Yeah. So, so I think that there’s You know, as Cathy pointed out, these are tender situations. Um,
[00:45:46] I, the one about being asked for money, I, I think it’s useful as an example when it comes to the art of generosity.
[00:45:56] So if I know that I might be called on to provide some resource,
[00:46:10] my generous heart may, and there say, you know, I’m going to start budgeting a certain amount of flow. And it’s going to go into my kinship fund and my kinship fund is there for me as a generous person to be able to respond, not knee jerk, not all the time, not without mindful consideration, um, to facilitate something for someone I care about.
[00:46:46] Or with someone I care about. Um, I think money is one of the most chaotic energies on our planet. Right now, truthfully, I think if you, if you look at it as an both, uh, I’m, I’ve had enough of financial exposure in my life, um, that I understand a lot of the landscape, but as an energetic, sensitive person, the dynamics around money and debt and borrowing and things like this, we’re.
[00:47:17] It is very chaotic. It would be like every time you, you turned on the internet, you had a 5 percent chance of, of connecting to a zoom call instead of, you know, 99 percent chance. Um, I feel like money is as unreliable and an energy right now. So as a generous person, what I want to do is I have this kinship fund, and I have parameters for it.
[00:47:43] One, I never loan from it.
[00:47:49] You can’t borrow money from me. Hey, I’m, I’m hearing your need, and just, just so that we clear this up, I never loan money to anyone. It doesn’t work for me. It ends up being something that is, is a bit like if you asked me to, To hold on to something that’s going to rot after a week or so, like that’s the way it works for me.
[00:48:19] And so I have, I have a small fund that I keep for emergencies and for things like this. And, um, so let’s talk about. You know what we can do with this now. This is this is me how I’ve I remember generously saying yes to somebody. I knew his need. I knew it could make a big difference. I, I loaned him 1500.
[00:48:45] It did not get paid back for he was supposed to pay me back for in like six weeks. I think he paid me back. My sense is yes, he did pay me back. It was over three years later. So imagine. I, as a generous person, am now impacted because I did something, um, without really feeling into it. I would have gladly given him the 1, 500, but he came to me as a loan.
[00:49:18] Now, that’s on me, okay? I didn’t know myself as well as I do now. And as the art of generosity is knowing, well, what actually feels okay for me? Um… And if you are not aware of the limits, explore those. And when you, and we’re going to, we’re going to take a break here for about seven minutes, um, if you resent a certain something, okay.
[00:49:51] That’s a real indicator light and that’s one of the things that, that in the art of generosity, how do we know when we’re out of our, um, essential nature and are being pulled or obligated or something? And if I’m clear that, you know, a lot of what people call being generous is actually obligation and exchange and, um, even within families.
[00:50:19] You know, it’s like, Oh, if I give you this money, then you’ll let us, me see their grandkids, like, Oh, that’s an exchange. You’re using them, your, your grandkids and our love for them as leverage. Okay. And then you parse down into what is right for me. Can I find some place to communicate my truth about where my edge is, what my considerations are?
[00:50:48] Um, it’s, it’s, uh, yeah. Someone said money and generosity is a very big topic for me. It is very confusing. Um, it’s usually, I think, not the place to start with. If you’re really building your art. of generosity, you can start with emotional energy. You can start with, um, things that are almost always a yes, but you pause and do things like that.
[00:51:18] But the resentment, we’re going to get into that. We’re going to take a seven minute break, right, Cathy? Is that good? Yes. And if you’re watching the recording, hi, thank you for being the kind of person that tunes in, uh, even though you couldn’t be here live. And, uh, we, we invite you to take a short break here, let things integrate.
[00:51:36] See what you want to ask or have clarity around. See you back in seven minutes. Welcome back. Um,
[00:51:53] What are the indicators Cathy? when Something’s off in what appears to be at least on the surface a generous exchange a generous act The first thing I notice usually, and I’ve learned to kind of tune into my body, is I usually feel kind of a strange feeling in either the pit of my stomach or my solar plexus.
[00:52:20] Now everybody’s body will speak to them a little differently, but if something feels off in your body, um, I think it’s worth paying attention to. And someone just shared, I’m noticing I feel more comfortable giving than receiving. If you don’t feel that comfortable receiving, you know, like, There was a lot of obligation with it when you were younger.
[00:52:38] Some of that could be carryover. I think it’s really important to tap and clear those memories and those traumas as much as you can. Um, the next thing I usually do, especially if it’s someone I trust, is say, Hmm, I notice I’m feeling a little off about this. Can we talk about this? Is this really a yes for you?
[00:52:56] Is there something that you’re not… We need to vocalize and make more conscious. Um, so I own what I’m feeling. If I can, if I trust the person enough, like, Oh, something feels a little, like I really love, my brain loves the idea about my body feels a little off. Can we talk about this a little more? Can we figure out, you know, is this just old stuff for me?
[00:53:15] Because I did. There were people in my life that would hear I give you this thing and then 20 years later I did that thing for you and this is like the 3, 000th time I’m going to pull it up as a look what I did for you thing and you owe me. It’s like I would have never accepted that thing back then if I had known that was the thing.
[00:53:32] Um, so, you know, I think it’s important to acknowledge, hey, I’m not feeling, at least to myself, something feels a little off. Um, and then ask if I can share that with the other person, like, you know, and I love making it as clear as possible. My brain loves the idea. It seems like, you know, like giving some positive with it too, but like something feels a little off to me.
[00:53:53] And I don’t know if it’s my intuition or some old stuff. Can we just talk about this a little further? And that’s when I also again, pull out, what does this look like for you? Can I get more details of how this might look for you? Or might what you, you know, what each of us would be, you know, am I just receiving?
[00:54:10] Is that all that is, or is there something going on? Or it’s, it’s not always easy to talk about these things. And I think it’s okay to say, Hey, I feel really awkward talking about this. I don’t want to seem like I’m doubting your generosity or that, you know, I don’t love you or care about you, but I want us to be a really beautiful exchange between us.
[00:54:32] I don’t want there to be resentment in our relationship. So, what, what thoughts do you have that you’d like to add to that? Um, it’s not simple, is it? Look at how many words. Um, and I, as much as I like simplicity, there is so much noise.
[00:54:57] I’ve been told by enough people that the way I handle my generosity is an outlier, and that, that both, I know that, makes me sad. It often has been in situations where I, I would be generous, But there’s not an opening there because there’s so much hurt, even betrayal, um, undisclosed intentions. Um, I saw that a lot in male female relationships.
[00:55:31] Oh, you’ll, you want to do this for me, but you’ll You must have some ulterior motive and as Cathy pointed out, if one of the people in the, in the possible exchange, exchange or sharing or gifting or acts of service or touch or quality time, um, whatever it is, if one of the people is attuned enough to pause.
[00:56:04] And say, you know, this, I like the idea and I’m curious, what makes this a yes for you?
[00:56:22] even if the per what I’ve noticed is even if the person is utterly inept at answering that question I will receive enough information to navigate my world. So on the receiving end, asking that question, what makes that a yes for you? What makes it something that, you know, you’d enjoy doing, giving.
[00:56:58] Um, it can tell you about the relationship and if there is an ulterior motive comes up, unless the person is, is truly out on the spectrum of being able to obscure their true intentions. And there are, there are people that are really expert at that, but they have a certain vibe to them too. Like they’ll deny that there’s any other aspect.
[00:57:29] They’ll get defensive sometimes. They’ll get defensive sometimes. Why are you asking? Of course, you know, I just want to, I just want to rub your back. Um, okay. Well, I’m, I’m not feeling the yes right now. Thanks for offering. Um, if the other person pauses or doesn’t pause and they’re like, well, you matter to me.
[00:57:51] Okay, thank you. You matter to me too. And, is driving somebody at 3 o’clock in the morning something that’s good for you? Is it something that is, you’re doing this because I matter, or because… Yeah, that’s the kind of thing that falls into the category of I wake up early and, you know, if I take you to the airport at three, I’m going to go look at a sunrise someplace that I haven’t seen.
[00:58:22] You notice how, like, I’m stacking my pleasures here. I’m going to take my friend, I’m going to get some time together, and then I’m going to go out on the mountains. I’m going to go to this breakfast place that I haven’t been to. I get to journal early in the morning. I haven’t done this in years. Thank you for asking.
[00:58:37] Like, you’re like, oh. Yeah, please. Thank you. Take me to the airport at three a. m. Pick me up. Um, we, we hinted that resentment. As, as a, um, as a parent, as a sensitive person, if I ask someone if they’re willing to do something, would you be so kind to do this? Resentment has an air to it. And, um… Yeah, when your mom tells you to take out the trash, she’s not really asking if you would mind.
[00:59:14] But I do. Like, I, I, if I tell someone, look, I need you to take out the trash, I am asking for something that is part of their… agreement in living together. If I say, Hey, would you be willing to watch Adira while I take care of this? And, um, there’s a, yeah, that’s different from, okay. Um, I’m wanting to be sensitive, but not oversensitive to resentment.
[00:59:44] and. You know, this, my, my boy did this to me the other day and I realized, you know, how good it sounds, uh, we were, we went to pizza and we were coming out and, um, our agreement was that we would go to pizza and go for a walk because I hadn’t had my walk and I had to go with him because I couldn’t leave him alone.
[01:00:06] And I said, well, you ready to go for a walk? And he paused and he said, well, I’m a little cold right now and I don’t really feel like I want to go for a walk. And. If it’s important to you, let’s go. I, that gave me
[01:00:31] all the
[01:00:35] information I needed. And in that moment I could feel into, I paused to see like, am I going to take him up on his generosity? And the truth was. I wanted to go home and just snuggle up and be warm, take a day off from my morning mile. Um, and that’s where, Cathy, you said that when, when we’re honest and we’re reflecting what’s true for us, there are some people that won’t get it.
[01:01:08] They’ll argue, they’ll… They’ll be defensive. They may want to obligate us, guilt us, shame us, uh, deny us, use leverage. Okay, that’s a different dance. And if we’re cultivating general generosity more and more in our lives, um, there’s a, there’s any questions that ask. For clarity, like, you know, thank you for, for offering what makes it a yes for you, just so I feel grounded in, um, what makes this matter to you.
[01:01:45] And I like the idea of taking babies. They might say something like, well, you don’t have anyone else to take you. Well, I don’t have anyone else to take me, but I do have enough resource to, to order an Uber. Um, less fun than going with my friend, but if you need to sleep in the middle of the night, and that’s, and it’s really not, uh, uh, yeah, I want to spend, I want to do that for you.
[01:02:08] Um, does this, is this making sense? I think it makes a lot of sense, and I would encourage, if you’re starting this, especially with new relationships, or even with older ones, where you want to revamp this a little bit, baby steps are a good way to go. Because when we’re juggling bigger things, there’s a whole bunch of more energies that are brought in.
[01:02:28] And we can start with small things and kind of build up the trust and the relationship with people. We don’t have to dive in the deep end with this. I think when we start getting to bigger get asks and bigger gives that the, the status thing comes in the inferiority and superiority energy that someone mentioned.
[01:02:48] I think that is something that can come in. There’s like, there’s kind of, it’s almost, it’s a manipulation of power thing versus a genuine, like with Rick and I, it’s not, neither of us has power over. And we’ve built up a channel over the years of both of us being willing to speak up and say, you know, I promise to do this, and it’s not feeling like a yes.
[01:03:08] Is there some way we can do this a different way, or can we do it another time? Like, there’s a lot of clarity in it. The giving and receiving channel is very open and clear with us. So it’s very easy to make big ass, like, Hey, I really need you to talk to me at 3 in the morning, because I’m having a really rotten time, and I know you’ve been up with the baby and haven’t slept.
[01:03:28] I know that he can say, I can talk to you, but the baby’s going to be here too. Or like we can figure out a yes. Um, but I think that when we start smaller and we start revamping relationships, we may be setting boundaries in ways we’ve never set them before. If we can start with smaller things and start to build our own confidence in our own surprising people with big things is hard on like, we have a certain flow and pattern we go with people.
[01:03:54] And then when you change it abruptly, especially if you don’t tell them, it can seem very shocking. They can get defensive and upset just like humans do. So one, I like to tell people, Hey, I’ve noticed that something feels a little off in our relationship and I’d really like to change it. And here’s what I’m noticing.
[01:04:11] I’d love to get your feedback too or whatever, but I’m really going to work on being clear about my boundaries. Um, and you know, I just want to let you know that that’s what’s coming. It’s not that you did anything wrong. It’s just for my own sense of integrity and authenticity. I need to practice this.
[01:04:27] Um, giving them a heads up is important. Oh, and I just like emphasizing the baby steps. Like we don’t have to say, I want to give you a car. It’s like, can I give you a hug? Um, you know, or I’d really love to receive a hug. Is that like, are you up for that today? It doesn’t have to be like huge things, but the more we practice the, get the rust off her vocal cords, so to speak, um, both for asking for what we want and offering what we’d like to give genuinely.
[01:04:58] I think the universe. responds to that and people that are aligned with that are going to be like, yes. And people that aren’t aligned with it, they might take some distance or they might say, huh, I wonder if there’s something to that. So, you know, it is a challenging thing. Some people may move out of our, I’ve had people move out of my life as I’ve gotten more clear about certain things.
[01:05:21] Um, and it was sad, but I’m glad that I’m not still struggling doing that power struggle dance with them still about like what they expected out of me. Inferiority and superiority, those are hierarchical terms, right? Inferior, superior. That, to me, says my primitive status brain is interpreting things.
[01:05:47] There is a way of interpreting that is About heart and resource. And that is, um, under-resourced and, and well-resourced, abundantly resourced. And, um, there are certainly people, if you have an abundant resource, whether it’s emotional, um, skill or financial resource, um, technical skill, they’ll, they may feel in their relationship that they’re entitled to that.
[01:06:21] Um. That’s, they’re not asking you to be generous, they’re laying a claim, and that’s a different, that’s probably a different savvy relating call. Um, if, if I look at myself as, I’m actually a good and, uh, I am really fortunate. I am sufficiently resourced, emotionally, physically, mentally, financially, um,
[01:06:52] certainly within the ecosystem. There are people that are, have vaster resources, including people like have vast resources for calm, patient presence with, um, dysregulated people. Like I’ve, I’ve met people that can be with somebody who is, um, actively. Off the wall. And they are like, so they’re like a billionaire when it comes to calm confidence in the face of certain kinds of dysregulations, I’ve got pocket change.
[01:07:34] I got something, but you’re going to probably run through it. And I believe that when we’re looking at the art of generosity, I can only be generous from resource I have. Now, if I have, if I have two quarters to rub together. I can still be generous from that place with an awareness of, Hey, I’ve got two quarters to rub together.
[01:07:59] I can be generous from a place of, I, I know that my generosity must come from a place of a certain level of stability could be of sleep or finances or love or touch connection. Um, and if I don’t have that. Or I deplete it by giving it away, I’m actually, um, taking away my, my precious resource. Um, you can have a magnificent apple tree, and you can actually take all the apples off the apple tree, but you can’t take the bark, okay?
[01:08:40] And the apple tree knows, you know, like, do, taking the bark. Uprooting a magnificent tree. There are lots of things. And as we become more aware of I’m well resourced in this, these are like apples. They flow from me pretty easily in the right season. Um, and I can be aware of my abundance in certain ways.
[01:09:06] And sometimes that’s. You know, I’m down to my last bushel and I need a certain number to make it through the winter. Um, If we’re resenting, that to me is a clue. As a generous person, I take it as my responsibility to tend to my resentment. Why? Well, there’s so much value. If, if I am, if I say yes to something, and, um, it’s a, it’s a pure, generous act, Um, and later I’m finding I resented it.
[01:09:53] That’s a real clue to me that I missed something in the process of checking in with myself. Um, I, I rarely do anything like that. That’s the giving that, that’s the misstep that leads to resentment. Well, I think sometimes we just misjudge. Um, we don’t realize how depleted we are. And I think that that can happen.
[01:10:18] It doesn’t mean we like, Oh, I thought I helped. I was helping with someone with something and I thought it would take three hours and it took. Three years to get it done. And each time I’m like, I don’t really want to do this, but I really want to get it done. Like we don’t always judge how much it will take from us.
[01:10:34] We don’t always know how something will flow. So there are times when we’re, we’re, we’re going to run into like, it was a lot more than I thought it was going to be. And I am feeling a little. And like, I resent things that I do not, if, if something is not in the consideration, like I I’ve got three hours for this, not three years.
[01:10:54] Um, and I don’t feel I can take an exit without being punished or abused. Um, that still falls into the category of, I want to work on my exit strategy. I want to work on my considerations so that I can be generous as an act. There’s There’s a really wise, uh, uh, trainer of athletes on, that I read on, um, Twitter now called X, and they said something really profound.
[01:11:28] Um, if you’re getting injured in your training, the training is off. I view post resentment as an injury. And that’s on me. It’s also, you know, like I turn to other people for clarity, but if I’m starting to resent it and as a sovereign individual, I’m not putting a stop to it. That’s on me. It could be like, okay, this is no longer generosity.
[01:11:56] This is, I find myself in the, in. In the trenches here and I’m going to get through the trenches because that’s what I’ve decided. It’s not from my generous spirit. I’m not laying it on what I’m a generous person. No, I’m somebody that also if I’m in the trenches on something and it’s going to be a slog, I can be or sometimes for my own other reasons, but resentment is a particular energetic tone that definitely creates distance.
[01:12:34] It creates harm in the relation in my body. I actually start my tendons, um, my tendons and, and sometimes it is as. important. So I, I do an act every week, twice a week. Um, and the person who I, who is the recipient of the benefit of this on an obvious level is not all that appreciative. Okay. If I start feeling resentful, I either need to stop.
[01:13:13] But what I did do is I paused and I really considered why am I doing this? I am not doing it for him. I’m doing it for my boy. I’m doing it for my partner. I’m doing it because. Dammit, I remember little Ricky going and having to go to his dad’s and boy, it’s nice that I get to spend and put my energy in a way that makes it a little different for somebody I care about.
[01:13:41] Now see, I’m not resentful anymore. Why? Because I came back to why it matters to me. And that’s generous, and it’s part of my heartistry with those that I care about. So sometimes it’s going to be like, you know, I’m, I’m a dad, and, and, as a, or a parent, and, um, I like being well enough resourced that in a place of struggle, those that I care about love and trust me enough and my generosity to at least ask.
[01:14:21] And I’m going to tune myself, not force myself, not be obligated for damn sure. I’ll take a week to reply if I feel obligated. You know, it’s like… Um, there are people that I love that if they called me up and say, I have had not had anything to eat for three days, I am absolutely a yes for feeding them one meal.
[01:14:45] I don’t know what beyond that, but my, I am quite aware that I want enough resource.
[01:14:56] I can respond like that. And there, and when you know yourself and you’re practicing your, the things that you want to tune to, you can find yourself building up resource, also stewarding your resource, because I think that that like the magnificent apple tree. Um, which you can have apple pie, apple cider, apple crisp, you know, apple sauce.
[01:15:20] Um, you can do so many things with apples. Generous people are amazing. We can do so much with ourselves as long as we don’t let people strip our bark, um, and break our limbs. But we can craft, since we’re not a tree, we actually can craft like, what do I want to be generous around? What is, I used to resent people that didn’t say hello to me on the trail.
[01:15:48] And I worked on it and I realized, you know, I actually,
[01:15:56] I love being generous with acknowledgement of the humans that are on the trail with me and acknowledgement. I don’t have to be conversational. We don’t have to, you know. Exchange anything, but I, I like being like, Hmm. And, and once I got clear on that, the resentment, it’s rare now. And most of the time I get to be in my generous of acknowledging, being thoughtful, if I see a runner coming my way, I step away so that they can have the space and there’s an acknowledgement I’m not being put out.
[01:16:35] I’m being generous. I don’t have to, a lot of people don’t, but it feels good to me. And so. Um, I hope my, my hope is that as we’ve explored this, you’re, you’re feeling pretty curious about how you can cultivate and steward your resources, um, and craft ways of being generous. I, I do believe that generous people, when we find other generous people, um, there’s a quality of thriving.
[01:17:09] That comes forward. Um, I’m really blessed to have, uh, Jim and Cathy and Carol in my life. And many of you have been incredibly generous with all the things, you know, sometimes it’s money. You know, sometimes it’s appreciation. Someone, someone gave me a, an email, uh, today and it was just, it was so nice. Um, It might be referrals, sharing information with other people that, you know, there’s a lot of different ways to, to be generous.
[01:17:46] I do think, um, uh, someone asked to do an X, a workshop on exit strategies, which I think would be really lovely. Um, it’s, uh, I, I like that. That concept, and I like starting relationships with knowing what the exit strategy is. Maybe it gets modified as we go. One of the things I invite you to, if you’re in a, in a relationship where you don’t like the flow of generosity as it is, I’d like you to consider that if you, if you don’t make a change in it, it probably won’t change.
[01:18:23] And, you know, there’s literally been times when I’m like, well, one of us will either we’ll stop seeing each other. One of us will die and then we’ll be better, you know, like. But I’m like, do I really want to leave that person with that pattern in their life? Do I really want that? I’d rather, like, start speaking up gently, baby steps again, but like, huh, especially for people that are expecting money from people or demanding money from people, it’s not actually a good energy for them to have in their lives.
[01:18:52] It’s probably turning some other people off. And what if we’re not there? What if we’re not the person there to provide it anymore? It, I think that speaking up and starting to look at the, the reality of it and speaking that a little bit more is good for us. And it’s probably good for the other person as well.
[01:19:12] So I just want to offer that little insight or thought, and again, please take what’s right for you. Anything that Rick and I offer is like, if it resonates for you, lovely. If it doesn’t, you know, consider it if you’d like, or just say, no, thank you. We’re not telling you what you need to do with your lives, but I know that it’s brought me so much.
[01:19:32] Relief and, um, a sense of knowing myself to gradually speak up. And it took years to get there, get to where I am now. Um, and hopefully some of the things Rick and I are sharing, then we get you there a little faster. But, but you’re being generous with yourself when you start acknowledging reality, when you stop pretending, and when you start saying no to people.
[01:19:55] I think one of the most generous things we can ever do to someone is say no to them. When it’s right for us, it’s a sign of deep respect that we think they can actually handle our no and that we’re going to be real with them and we’re going to be ourselves with them. It’s a very vulnerable and it’s a challenging thing to do.
[01:20:16] I, I noticed that people I don’t respect, I tend not to say no directly to, I kind of avoid or. I still do that somewhat, and, but the people I’m really close to, the people I trust, they’ll say, Oh, I can’t do that. Let’s find something else. Or like, you know, that’s not a yes for me. Let’s see if there’s something else we can do.
[01:20:34] Um, and I think that ability is really powerful when we practice it. And I just want to appreciate all of you for showing up, and anyone who’s listening later too. This is a tough subject. This is not easy. And so thank you for kind of exploring it with us and trying things on and tapping and hearing our stories about it.
[01:20:56] Different ideas you can, you can maybe apply to your life. So thank you for maybe opening that for yourself and for other people around you. And savoring as, as awkward as it is, cause I don’t know that we’re,
[01:21:15] I would like to cultivate a world where we notice each other’s generosity to others and that we also notice our generosity. Um, I am guessing, I am guessing that in the emotional world, you all are generous in ways that may not even be currently in your awareness. It’s an invitation, my heart to yours, to notice in what ways might I have been generous with my energy, my, my attention.
[01:21:52] My, my presence, some kindness or compassion, empathy,
[01:22:00] um, my consideration, my competence, my usefulness, my patience, I’m guessing. And if you didn’t find anything from today, look back in the last week, I’m pretty sure that you’ll find many ways. Generous people really, we can’t help it. It’s a nature and natural thing. Um,
[01:22:32] and the more that we acknowledge it and bring it deeper into our values, value energy, um, the safer people will feel receiving from us. They’ll feel the trustworthiness of our core knowing this is good for me to be generous. It expresses a side of me, and I am clear about what feels generous and what’s work.
[01:23:01] And that, that is different, an exchange or something else. I believe that we can blend generosity into almost a surprising number of different emotional dishes, to use that an apple analogy, though. Thank you all for being part of that. This movement of, of refining the art of generosity so that it really serves ourselves and our, the people that are dear to us, our kin.
[01:23:40] Thank you. Have a great night.
Great to have you on this journey with us!
More from another AI Summary:
Building Trust and Ease in Generosity:
Cathy and Rick discussed the importance of building trust and ease in generosity. They emphasized that being a generous person is a precious resource, but it’s essential to cultivate generosity from a clean slate. They suggested setting aside obligations while being generous with new people, acknowledging one’s needs, communicating clearly about what is possible or not, and avoiding resentment.
The Art of Giving Without Giving In:
The meeting focused on the art of giving without giving in. Cathy shared her experience that authentic generosity feels good on both sides when someone genuinely receives something offered with a warm heart. She also mentioned that it’s okay to do things out of obligation but not to fool oneself into thinking it as genuine generosity.
The Arts of Generosity:
Rick shared his experience as an artist who uses his gift as a resource for himself and others he chooses to be generous with. He highlighted how cultivating skills around one’s gift enhances their own resourcefulness while stewarding their gift for others’ benefit.
Forgiving Ourselves for Imperfection:
Cathy led the group through tapping exercises where they forgave themselves for not always getting things right regarding generosity. She encouraged everyone to acknowledge their imperfections while still striving towards role modeling better behavior going forward.
Being Authentically Generous:
Cathy discusses her past experiences of being generous and how sometimes she gave because she felt obligated or afraid not to. She expresses her desire to be more authentically generous and include herself in that generosity. The group talks about the importance of accepting imperfection and being conscious, aware, and authentic in their generosity.
Harm vs. Goodness:
The group discusses the concept of harm versus goodness when it comes to acts of generosity. They acknowledge that it’s impossible to be perfect but strive for consciousness, awareness, authenticity, and making sure the overall intention is towards more goodness than harm.
The Power of Pausing:
The group talks about how pausing before saying yes can help them feel into their body if something is a yes for them as presented or not. By doing so, they can exercise their generous heartistry with others while also tending to their own resources.
Asking for Clarity:
Cathy shares her phrase ‘What would that look like for you?’ which helps clarify what someone means when asking a favor or proposing an exchange. This allows people to understand each other’s expectations better before committing fully.
Building Trust Through Conscious Generosity:
By checking in with themselves before saying yes or no, people build deeper trust within themselves as well as with others who notice this behavior change over time. It also helps create co-consideration between parties involved in business relationships by understanding each other’s boundaries/considerations better beforehand
The Art of Generosity
Rick suggested making exchanges more explicit and using clear language. They discussed the importance of avoiding unspoken exchanges that can lead to resentment. Cathy shared her experience with exchanging generosity and how it can be helpful to differentiate between generous acts and exchanges.
Obligation vs. Generosity
Cathy talked about the challenges of obligation in relationships, especially when it comes to adult children or parents. She emphasized the importance of being honest about expectations and obligations, even if it’s difficult.
Loved this. Thank you for your generosity. I listened to this while biking on a beautiful bike path and so much resonated, especially about considering how to bring my natural generosity more to myself. Also the tapping on clearing exchanges that were not really generous, but filled with expectations was really helpful (and hard).
I get the feeling that for me there is always an unspoken need when I do things for others, that I am rarely truly generous, because I am always seeking to be loved, valued and important.
It seems I may need to feel much stronger in my own sense of worth and importance regardless of how anyone treats me or feels about me, before I can be truly generous.
We all have unspoken needs. And spoken ones, too!
I am more naturally generous to those who I am co-creating with, those who are mutual in their generosity. Just because we have needs that these people MIGHT also meet does not make it an exchange, or not truly generous.
What to me makes it an unspoken barter rather than generosity is:
I did that for you and you must do that for me!
I might be sad if someone doesn’t reciprocate. But as long as what I do and give and share remains a YES for me… it absolutely is divinely generous of me to share of my resources with them.
My daughter screamed in my face for me to GET AWAY. Washed away hours of play with her in my Good Feelings internal systems. AND, I would still generously play with her anyway… and will again. I didn’t play with her “in order to” get love from her in the future.
I got love from her in the Present when I was generous with my time and attention. And play. And engagement.
Of course, you know we as parents don’t even get that! Yet we love. Generously. Except when we don’t.
Thank you for helping me clarify that feeling. I am glad to know more about the intricacies and allow space for my generosity to be real and ok and know that if I am not generous that that is ok too and I am allowed to choose and flow and move with the right distance right depth and right time for myself as well.
It feels like I’m surrounded with this issue at the
Moment in a variety of relationships and struggling with my ‘no’ being labelled as me being a ‘birch’ or even a ‘selfish butch’ and not only myself being rejected, but my daughter too, and both of us having to deal with the pain that can bring. My daughter has cried to me upset that her friend has said things to her about me like ‘I couldn’t bear to have your Mum as my mum’ because i say no to things her friend wants, like extra lollies after they have had dessert.
But i notice when I am being asked things outside my comfort zone or outside of what I want or agree to, that instead of being able to say a kind and firm no, I get all tense and angry and rageful
Inside and exasperated. Sometimes there is resentment about being asked in the first place and the pressure it puts me under knowing the reaction will be one of anger and resentment.
I also really struggle with rejection and lack of appreciation for my offerings too.
So this leaves me with the feeling like I am not a generous person at all.
I am also feeling this Particularly right now as I don’t feel like I have anything to give anyone. Not even myself.
I don’t think any. of us are at our best coping with entitled kids (including ones in big bodies all ‘grown’ up).
Entitled is a personality trait. I believe some shift in how entitled someone behaves can happen, over time. The girl who never hears NO from her mum is in for a world or hurt when life says no, bosses say no, etc.
No is incredibly useful.
No is powerful information.
I have a 3-year-old. My inner three year old doesn’t like being deprived of what he wants any more than my minor children like being deprived of what they want. Oh well.
And yeah, anger is an energy. It rises when we feel we need sufficient fire to cope with the entitlement. Or the disagreement.
Resentment, well, I don’t know. I find resentment is helpful to remind me when I did something that was a NO, as information for ME.
I’m glad Adira has some adults who really do not respond with anger to her requests that are a no, even if she melts. I at times can model them. So sweet…
But I’m not all that sweet when being screamed at. Seriously, I’m not.
And screaming at the human who would give his life for you, who comes and is of hearty service to you most of the time… it’s not a useful strategy. If I have fire in response, it comes from a Most Loving Heart who actually doesn’t LIKE being screamed at when someone doesn’t get their way.
I’ll keep wondering how much responding how I respond is good parenting or not. But at least she won’t go out into the world thinking that temper tantrums are the way to get what you want!