I realized today that I share the concept of “Right Distance Right Depth” with almost all of my clients these days… it’s so helpful and resonant for so many people!
I appreciate this concept because it invites us to contemplate and more clearly articulate what many of us have tried navigating semi-consciously for years… often with much confusion and uncertainty, especially when our desired RD/RD with someone changes over time. Bringing this idea into conscious awareness helps us clarify when the depth or distance we desire with someone changes.
Being more conscious of this concept allows us to notice how our own needs, values, and priorities shift over time, and clues us in to why a certain Depth or Distance may feel right for us at a given time (possibly different than at other times), based on our own emotional resources, nervous system regulation capacity, susceptibilities, priorities, and bandwidth.
And: it’s OK to have it change!
Challenges tend to arise most when we’re not clear about or don’t communicate our RD/RD well with the relevant people in a timely fashion.
To be able to communicate it well, usually we first have to feel sufficiently clear within ourselves — which may not mean knowing exactly why or for how long we need increased distance or reduced depth with someone… It could just mean acknowledging that some aspect isn’t working well for us in the current dynamic, and knowing we need to Pause, tune in, discern what feels right and true for us at the moment, and experiment a bit… and continue to adjust as needed. (The pandemic has given us so many new opportunities to practice this!)
Also, when RD/RD isn’t quite aligned for me, I get easily exhausted, overwhelmed, irritable, etc. Sometimes those are the most obvious signs that some aspect of Depth or Distance needs to be adjusted! At least until I’m more Resourced…
I’ve found it helpful sometimes to think of concentric circles of intimacy, noticing what I want to feel in relationship with myself and those closest to me first, and then extending outward from there… especially when resources of time and emotional energy feel precious and less abundant… which is why my bandwidth for online interactions is so narrow, since having a second baby! My innermost circle is far more important to tend to with the resources I have available, which often means that there’s not much depth available for anyone beyond the second circle out! (Except when I engage enough to notice that some of those interactions with those “farther out” are in fact quite nourishing!)
I also love this quote from Prentis Hemphill:
“Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously.”
For me, that means not just “loving” us both (in the usual sense), but also staying conscious of and honoring our needs, and being sure I’m feeling sufficiently well-nourished for/in/by our interactions… and hoping the other person is, too!
