In order to ___, you HAVE TO…
Really? I have to?
I rebel inside when someone tells me I have to. Or I should!
How do your insides react?
Here’s the thing: some wisdom we extract from steaming piles of Have To.
“Contrast” is a useful experience. As long as we’re savvy about it. As long as we know what contrast feels like and have skills to process it.
What does that look like?
You’re reading online. A bold and seemingly successful human proclaims: “In order to be successful like me, you have to choose your niche and go after it with laser focus! Or else you WILL fail!”
We can easily search and find 1000 marketers who make that kind of assertion. But is it true for you?
It’s not been true for me.
This is the getting clear skill. What matters to you? If diversity matters to you, laser focus on one “avatar customer” will deplete your energy rather than activate you. I love the mix of beautiful beings that are a part of the circle. Each is their own unique being.
What can we guess matters to the person making their proclamation?
That can be truly useful to consider. A marketer that measures success by money or raw numbers and profit margin, who is driven by personal achievements and meeting goals is more likely to be successful (by what matters to them!) by following the niche-ing wisdom. It’s like mono-cropping to maximize farm profits.
For someone who wants the experience of depth, variety, of an ecosystem that is diverse and flourishing… we don’t “niche” - we cultivate and grow and explore.
Can you feel the difference?
Navigating assertions (of which criticisms and judgments and ridicule are cousins) takes a set of skills. Skills they do not teach in elementary school (or university).
For sensitive, empathetic beings, these skills… are incredibly useful for living a thriving life. Essential even.
So… Cathy and I will be exploring this skill set. For us, these skills have made it possible for us to express ourselves and co-create with far more savvy, calm, and confidence.
Want to tune up these tools for yourself? Then join us!
A Real Skills Workshop for: Savvy Relating and Engaging
If you’re new to tapping, we have a free EFT Tapping Course here.
Appreciate You! Our inbox is open!
Rick & Cathy ~ ThrivingNow
Your Emotional Freedom Coaches
Schedule private sessions here
P.S. Adira says, “I’m just going to nap until I have my clarity again. Highly recommended when the seas of life get to be a bit toooooo rough.”
How do I discern what’s right for me? And for us?
On a crowded playground, I can discern my daughter’s laughter and cries from other kids with high accuracy.
What made it so hard for me to discern my own glee and gloom from other people’s voices?
Perhaps it was authority. But who rules me? Growing up, it was parents and teachers. “Respect your elders” (even if they are drunk abusive arrogant arseholes).
Of the emotional skills that matter most in my healing and thriving, discernment is #1.
Discernment sits at the spot of the observer, recognizing nuances in emotional energy. It can tell the difference between anger from hurt and anger rises from being told to do something that isn’t right for me.
Discernment is the superpower of knowing whether the empathetic feelings active in me are “mine” or “theirs.” For us super sensitives, “our feelings” often are an interwoven mix from what we pick up from others and what we feel ourselves in response.
As an auditory person, the sea of voices outside me are part of my awareness. Thriving is made possible by the skill of figuring out what is true and directive for ME…
…while not always reconciling that for EVERYONE!
Go right. No go LEFT. Pick that one. No, you’re an idiot if you like that!
Discernment in my experience is different from understanding. It can include understanding. But it activates within different channels than just what I understand.
Have you ever felt like you didn’t “understand” and later discovered you were being manipulated?
I typically do not have difficulty “understanding.” My mind works fine. I’ve noticed, though, that when listening to professional liars that I have a “hard time understanding.”
Why is that?
If I keep trying to understand… I get even more confused! Why?!?
Well, the skill of discernment asks, “What happens in your body and mind when someone is trying to deceive you, or is selfishly trying to get you to do something that benefits THEM… and they don’t care (really) about whether it is right for YOU?”
Oh wow, it’s been so so helpful to know what that feels like in my body! Going all the way back in history I can feel hundreds of times when those sensations rose in me… to help me navigate… even when I wasn’t always free to act on that knowing.
Freeing up our energy sensors to guide us better is what Cathy and I will explore with the circle on Monday. Would you like to join us? (Or, register now and get the recording later if you can’t be with us live – we’ll miss you!)
A Real Skills Workshop for: Savvy Relating and Engaging
Appreciate You! Our inbox is open!
Rick & Cathy ~ ThrivingNow
Your Emotional Freedom Coaches
Schedule private sessions here
P.S. Adira says, “I discern that love often feels warm and cozy… not always… but often.”
We welcome your insights, ah-ha’s, and sharing. Please! Click [Reply]
Click for Computer Generated Transcript
[00:00:00] Finding your direction in the sea of voices.
[00:00:03] This is a real skills workshop because to know our direction and to navigate all the different energies inside of us, outside of us, and be clear and to guide ourselves toward the experiences and the thriving life that we want, well that’s savvy. And this series that we’re in are, is about savvy, relating, and engaging.
[00:00:26] Um, and so I’m excited to be here co-creating with someone who has done so much work in the field of co-creating, especially in diverse communities where people have, uh, some needs that they want and some things that they don’t want and other things like that. So, uh, I’m Rick from Thriving Now, and I’m here with Cathy Vartuli from Thriving Now.
[00:00:49] The intimacy dojo, Cathy, finding your direction in a sea of voices. I was so honored to be here with you because honestly, this is kind of the doorway which I found Rick through Carol Look actually recommended him. And one of the biggest ahas I had, the very first session I had with him, and this is like 15 years ago, um, was that, uh, I didn’t have to decide everything just with my intellectual brain, and that was like mind blowing for me.
[00:01:20] I’m a PhD, I’m super intellectual and I had been brought up to logic, everything, but of course, As many people know here, you can logic forever and not get all the details and all the, you can argue different ways and convince yourself different things. And I was really spending a lot of time and energy spinning on that hamster wheel, trying to figure out the best solution and doing it kind of fearfully.
[00:01:43] I was afraid to make a bad decision. So when Rick and I first started working together, he was like, what does your body say? And I was like, what are you talking about? I’m an engineer. I do not have a body. Body. It does what I tell it to most of the time, and that’s how we handle it. And so it was a, a journey for me and I’ve really been so grateful.
[00:02:06] I think it’s an evolving journey. I don’t think we’re ever quite done with it. We can always go a little deeper, a little more connected, a little more savvy and mindful and picking up subtle nuances. And just even having the very basics of this made a huge difference in my health, my wellbeing, my ability to make decisions.
[00:02:24] It really helped me succeed as an engineer. Or people have to make very informed decisions quickly. Um, and you know, you get the logic, you get the, the data, but then there’s always that unknown area like, can I feel into my body? Can I feel what’s a yes for me? And we want this for you. We want, I think too many people are driven by society.
[00:02:44] We’re driven by the ads we see in social media. We’re see driven by like our parents pushing us. My mom really wants me to move to New York right now. My body says no and I’m going to listen to it. I probably would’ve been more torn by that. Um, I love her and I do not wanna move to New York. Um, so I think that when we can get this connection to ourselves, So important as we’re going through this.
[00:03:10] And Rick was like wanting to presence that. We’re talking about savvy relating. And my thought is if we can’t relate to ourselves, if we don’t know who we are and what we want, there is no intimacy. There is no savvy relating, there’s no way to connect with anyone else. I was so driven for so many years by what other people wanted, trying to be what I thought they wanted so they wouldn’t reject me or kick me away.
[00:03:33] That there was no me in the relationships and I couldn’t figure out why they were so unfulfilling and so frustrating. And so I was exhausted by being around people because I was constantly tuning to them and trying to act the way I thought that they maybe be wanting me to act. Um, so I really think that getting this compass, an internal compass in the sea of voices that we’re getting all the time can help us deeply calm down, de-stress, make decisions that create a life that we really are happy we’re living, and then connect with people in a way that’s.
[00:04:08] Just real and it feels so good. And I’m not tired at the end of the day. There’s sometimes I’m still kind of a introvert, so I, like some days I’m like enough people. Um, introvert is somewhere like I’m not an introvert, I’m not an extrovert, I’m introvert. So like there’s, sometimes I like people and sometimes I’m like, oh, you guys can all go over there and I’m gonna be quiet for a while.
[00:04:28] Um, but I’m not exhausted just by being around people with having the CPUs constantly in my brain trying to figure out everybody else. So if you’re here, if you can just give yourself a little bit of appreciation that you’re looking at something that most people don’t even know is a problem I would never even know to look at.
[00:04:48] There’s so many things we don’t know. We don’t know. And most people are very content not knowing about this. And I think Rick is. I studied with a zillion people. I Guinea ped myself all the time. I’m like, oh, what’s this? Let me try it. And I’ve never seen anyone teach this with a groundedness and connectedness that Rick has.
[00:05:06] So, um, I’m just really honored to be teaching this and sharing this with you, with Rick. Thank you Cathy. And thank you everyone for being here. I’m gonna do a housekeeping thing here and just make sure that everyone’s muted and you should be able to unmute Cathy. Um, I remember, uh, being at my dad’s, uh, my mom and dad divorced when I was four, and so they were very different worlds.
[00:05:32] Um, and my logical brain, like you said, like trying to figure things out. Um, school taught me to accentuate. My smarts to view things that somebody else has a standard and I’m trying to meet their standard or get an a plus. And that, that was a measure of success. And that set me up for some real confusion because I would be putting everything into an intellectual, um, behavioral as logic kind of thing.
[00:06:04] Let me type, go on with a story. So my dad had a weather radio, radio, uh, we lived, he lived on the uh, uh, Potomac Creek, which led into Potomac River and the Chesapeake Bay. And now most people have this radio in order to avoid being out on the water when things get rough. My dad’s favorite words were small craft advisory warning.
[00:06:34] And so if small craft advisory warning came up, he’d listen to it to make sure it wasn’t gonna be like deadly. But he would then load us all into the, the sailboat and we would go out into, um, the river. Now, logic and behavior is like, this makes no sense. The, the Ranger, Rick and me, which really does value safety of my, um, my physical body, uh, would be like, what are we doing
[00:07:14] when we, I think the big breakthrough in understanding. A lot of my life was to think in terms of what are the emotional needs. And inside of my, my father, I know he had been channeled into a very, um, rigid kind of career of being a lawyer. He was a lawyer’s son, and he, he was channeled that way and there were some voices inside of him.
[00:07:38] He didn’t want us to die. He didn’t want to die, but he needed adventure. And so in the midst of the emotional sea of needs and voices inside of him, um, he navigated that by activating adventure. So like, I didn’t actually understand that, but I believe that with, as a parent now, I want to be clear enough about what are some of the needs that I have.
[00:08:09] Like I have a need to explore at times. Um, and so, There are times where I will just get in the car and not know where I’m going. I am navigating by what attracts me for exploring. Now, if you looked at my track, like where is he going now I know where I’m going. I’m exploring and that because I know I’m an explorer and that that’s an aspect of myself, um, I could ex tell you like, oh, well I have an emotional craving at times for exploring for something that I haven’t seen before for land and energies that I haven’t seen, but it’s actually like close to home.
[00:08:58] I like that in my territory and when we, when we know other people because they’re clear enough and my father, I. Was not an emotionally open person. It took me, I had to develop this, and I appreciate that. I’m not alone in that. Now that people that want emotional freedom for themselves know, Hey, there’s a bunch of different aspects of myself.
[00:09:25] And sometimes they’re really loud and sometimes they’re like, please, quietly. Like, Hey, would you, could you maybe like, give us some adventure? Things are feeling a little, you know, um, that it, it gives us a way of sa being savvy and relating to each other. And so this workshop, um, my hope is that we’re going to, um, To go back to what matters to us.
[00:09:55] We’re gonna revisit that closely and then we’re gonna look at the C of voices, the internal and external, and come up with some savvy ways of tending to that while maintaining your direction. Direction isn’t always from point A to point B. In fact, emotionally, if you ask me, Rick, do you like to have, be really goal oriented?
[00:10:15] Do you like to have a five-year goal? I would say, Ooh, please don’t like all of these marketing people. You need to have a five-year plan. I remember doing five-year plans for venture capitalists. Honestly, I’ve never been in a company where f. Over five years. The five-year plan is anything other than like, ooh, what would we sort of like to do?
[00:10:38] Um, I don’t want that goal for other people. Having milestones, like their climbing Everest kind of thing is really grounding for them. It helps put almost everything else in their life, in context. Ah, so with all of those words, um, Cathy, where would you like to lead us on the, the what, what makes this important to me and how we can apply that here?
[00:11:04] Um, I think one of the things that I’d like to start off with is identifying the voices that we’re hearing, because I think until we identify where the winds are coming from, it’s very hard to gauge which ones we wanna pay attention to. And most people that have heard been on a few calls with us, um, someone just shared they had to write a five-year plan for work right now.
[00:11:24] And it feels ridiculous. And again, different people want different things. There’s nothing, we’re not putting down people that want that. But when it doesn’t fit for you, it’s just like, I’m just making something up, pulling it outta my butt. It doesn’t feel good. Um, I like to have a authenticity with my words.
[00:11:40] So if I say I’m gonna go somewhere, I want to actually mean it. Um, but. We have external voices that many of us, we talk. I talked a little bit about, you know, my mom wanting something, people close to us or people that are in our, in our blood related or close, like in relation or close HeartWise may have a lot of influence on us.
[00:12:01] So Adera, every once in a while she’s mad at her mom or dad, or she just wants to talk to me. I will do just about anything to talk to that little kid. If her mom texts me that ad wants to talk to me, like I’m in the middle of a conversation with someone else, I’m like, give me five minutes. I’ve gotta go take care of this.
[00:12:16] So she’s, she is a strong wind in my life because I adore her. She’s just a really sweet thing and she makes my heart happy. So I choose to allow that wind. I don’t wanna diminish that wind. And there’s also times when I’m like, I’m so sorry honey. I’m in a meeting. I can’t get it out. Um, but I try to be there for her.
[00:12:34] So a lot of us are aware of the voices of, of the, the winds in that sense of people that are close to us. We’re also very strongly buffeted by our survival brain, by media and things that are around us, and I don’t think we’re always aware of that. The more conscious we can get about it, get about that, the more control we have because, Um, if you, uh, watch tv, I love to turn off the sound when I watch TV sometimes and notice my impulses and thoughts and like how I’m influenced by the visual.
[00:13:07] Whatever’s coming out. Oh, there’s food there. I’m feeling hungry. Wait, I didn’t, I just ate dinner. Um, it just, it’s, it looks yummy, but I’m not actually hungry or, oh, I, I do a lot about body image and how they put when they put people on, like. It’s gotten big right now that if your teeth are crooked or whatever, you’re an evil person versus, wow, that’s a very, um, privileged thing.
[00:13:30] Like most people that don’t have care for their teeth when they’re young, grew up poor. So, but that’s a symbol they use. And, and it used to be that they would always kill off people of color. The black men would be killed like in the seventies and eighties. That was the thing. If there was a black man on a movie, you knew he was gonna die really quickly.
[00:13:48] Well, that’s not okay now. So it’s usually a fat person who gets killed right away or, um, you know, they’ll pick someone who’s not so smart or an Asian, it’s still not. Caucasian. There’s still a lot of racism in it, so I just like to be aware of that. And I, when I, you know, I’ll just spend like 10 minutes watching something with no sound and like picking things out and going, oh, I’m letting my brain calibrate to that.
[00:14:13] So I think it’s very important is to be aware of all the external buffeting that we’re getting, um, because we are constantly buffeted by it. Do you wanna say something about that? Uh, I, I’ve got the next thing that someone put in the chat that I’d like, that I wanna flow into that. Do you wanna finish or do, go ahead and I’ll talk about, I wanna talk about the external before we talk about the internal Yeah.
[00:14:39] Well, uh, someone put in the chat guilt and obligation. So, um, on the, on the sea that, that I grew up on, there was a particular smell. And it just came with that sea. And I’ve been to the Mediterranean and it smells differently and I’ve been to polluted areas and they smell differently. Um, and to me, one of the things, whether it’s, if I know that I, that guilt was something that was a music, an energy, a smell it, a sound, a mom’s voice, a teacher’s, the church, wherever it’s coming from, I know it’s there.
[00:15:27] And so if, if I know that inside of me there’s this guilt voice, um, I believe it’s savvy to, to know that it is one aspect of us, just like wind and sun, and. Rain and current and smell and chop or big waves or um, phase of the moon, tide. All of these things play into the sea itself. The sea within us has all of that too.
[00:16:00] And sometimes the guilt comes up. And in emotional work, we don’t assume that the voice is valid or that it’s the most important voice that’s part of this sea of voices. If I feel guilt, well what am I guilty of? Oh, well, I’m guilty for not calling my mother. I feel guilty for not calling my mother. Um, it’s savvy to say, is that actually my, my rule?
[00:16:35] Well, it may be their rule. It may be my. The rule that my grandmother had for my mother and, and her mother had for her. It may go back generations in my family that there was this rule that you’re guilty of breaking obligation. Um, it’s an assumed demand on your resource. It is saying that if, if Super Aunt Cathy, as soon as we called her Super Aunt Cathy, she was now obligated to treat Adera the way that she does, because that’s what an aunt is obligated to do.
[00:17:14] It takes a lot of the demand. That too. Now, now I, I know that there are people on the planet that would, that being considered someone’s super ant would activate a voice of obligation. Um, That’s not what, if obligation is not what matters to you, then take, well, yeah, I could be obligated, but I’m actually, freedom is what’s matters to me.
[00:17:43] And so I know that I wanna be in choice. So if obligation comes up, I can ask, well, what is my actual choice? What matters to me here? It’s not saying that that voice of obligation is, is not going to be there. If you’re on the sea, the smell of a dead fish will occasionally come your way. I feel that way about obligation.
[00:18:06] Obligation is the dead fish of, of, uh, relating. Um, but. It gives us some, some capacity to navigate, to find our direction. Oh, there’s the obligation. I’m, I’m going to acknowledge. Oh, I hear it. I feel it and kind of know where it comes from. That’s the voice of my, uh, whatever and, um, what’s true for me.
[00:18:37] Mm-hmm. Go ahead. I like, no, I just, I was gonna say I like that freedom and if I felt that obligation to be the super aunt to always be there for Adair when she wanted it, there’s probably obligation back. Like people get resentful and like kind of feel rigid about that. So the other day I called and I hadn’t talked to her.
[00:18:57] She’d been in Alaska, so I hadn’t talked to her very much and I was missing her. And she was, she whispered to, we talked for a minute, but she whispered to her dad, I don’t wanna draw. And I think she was trying to be polite or maybe she just, I don’t know what was for sure what was going on with her, but I’m like, honey, if you wanna draw, you can go.
[00:19:13] Could you draw me if you want to? You draw me a picture like I wanted to. I didn’t want her to have to be there with me. I wanted her to be there. 'cause it was joyful for her, even though part of me was like, I haven’t seen you in almost a week. I miss you. It was fine. It was like I wanted freedom for both of us.
[00:19:28] And I think that’s the breeze I want to emphasize. And if we give in, when we give in into guilt and obligation, it’s really, really hard not to pour that on the other person. So I have trouble sometimes saying no to someone because I’m like, oh, I’ll just take the guilt. But when I know that it’s harming the relationship, that helps me stop and say, you know what?
[00:19:49] I really don’t want to do this thing. And I’m worried that I’ll resent you if I do it. Hmm. So, you know, that’s, it helps me stay on the clean side of the relationship knowing that it’s not a one way street. It’s very hard to operate under guilt and obligation and not have that be the currency that we’re exchanging.
[00:20:08] So I think it’s just, that’s such a useful way to do it for me. Um, yeah, I love, yeah, someone shared That’s a great role modeling for the little one to hear and know she can choose. I want her to be able to choose. I want her to know that I’m someone she can go to and just be herself with. And she, if she doesn’t wanna be there with me, that’s totally fine.
[00:20:27] And there’s other days she, they’ll tell her We have to hang up now, and she’ll run away with a phone and I have video of her running with a little phone taking her picture, and we’ll go and cook in the other room for 20 or 30 minutes, like, and they let her get away with it. Sometimes it’s really cute, but it’s just a fun, it, there’s an ease there that I just really cherish and I want that for more people.
[00:20:49] I think too much of our society is run on guilt and obligation and resentment and is this for me versus like, how can I take care of myself so that it’s a, you know, how can I have a big enough circle and find people that are generous back so that there’s an easy flow in my life? Fun it. Cathy, thank you.
[00:21:11] Yes. Um,
[00:21:13] Cathy and I do this with each other. And so it makes it easier then for it to spread out if you have people in your life finding direction in a sea of voices, you know, acknowledging that there are lots of different attitudes, values, and things that matter. If I, if I share with someone, Hey, um, uh, it really matters to me that, um, that if it’s not a yes for you, that you let me know.
[00:21:43] And I, it matters for me to, to be the kind of human who makes it easy for you, uh, to say no when it’s not a yes for you. Um, and so, hey, if you notice that there’s a voice, that you’re gonna feel guilty or well, hey, Rick did this for me, just please know that that’s not my voice. Um, and, uh, uh, If there’s anything that I can ever do to help you, um, find more and more ease and confidence, to me, that’s helping someone navigate my, the things that matter to me.
[00:22:22] If somebody talks a story about obligation, I can share, Hey, you know, I’m, you know, I’m sort of allergic to obligation. I have a big yes, but, um, please let me know. So that’s an external voice I’m navigating. They’re talking about, well, she should call her mother. You know, mother raised her all said, you know, just to let you know, I’m hearing that, that you value the obligation of a son to her, his mother, and things like that.
[00:22:51] Just to let you know, in my world, I have a big yes, but obligation doesn’t work for me. So if there’s ever a situation where, you know, um, uh, you’re gonna do something for me because you want. Something in return. I need that to be an agreement rather than an understa, uh, unstated, um, obligation. This is to me, part of savvy engagement, learning around with the people that are dear to us.
[00:23:22] How can we find ways of being? Um, I’m, I’m doing this with, uh, my older boy, talking about how to be savvy in navigating the different, um, voices in his world and the his own desires and needs as well. So, um, try it out. This idea of savvy as you, as you consider what matters to you and how, what matters to other people.
[00:23:54] Go ahead. Very fear-based. I watch my mom sometimes and she feels very entitled to my sisters and my hope. Um, and I’ve been really good about honoring my own needs and, and being there because it feels right, but, um, I think it’s often fear-based. There’s not enough. She was brought up in a, a mentality of scarcity that if she doesn’t.
[00:24:15] Remind us that she did a lot for us as we were growing up and kind of guilt us that there, there won’t be any care for her versus she has enough money to hire some of the things done. Like she and I, I feel sad sometimes 'cause I watch people being wrangled into doing things they don’t want to do. And it’s just, I want, you know, savvy relating to me is being as authentic and real with each other as we can.
[00:24:38] And not having walls of guilt or protection or like, one of, and I don’t have that with everyone, but like Rick asked for a birthday present and he could just ask me. 'cause he knew that I would tell him if it was too much or too little or if I didn’t wanna do it. Like, I feel like, you know, we, we trust each other that way.
[00:24:57] Okay. Um, and I can ask for help on certain things and I’ll say, I can do that, or I can do this part of it, or I can, I’m just not available right now and I have enough resources that I can go find someone else if he’s not available. So I think the more we can nurture ourselves and keep what connections we can keep clean and really the ones that feel safe, there are people I do not open up that much with.
[00:25:19] I just don’t feel like they have the skills or the savvy or the resources to meet me where I am. So we’re not saying do this with everybody. Please listen to your own intuition on this. And I found that I’ve able to stretch it further than I thought. There are people that I didn’t think I could do this with, and I was like scared about doing it, and I risked it a little bit.
[00:25:39] I started with baby steps and I was surprised at how some of them reacted. Some of them reacted very negatively and some were like, Oh my God, I love that. And so I deepened the relationships that met that. So if you can do baby tests and, and, and check to see who you wanna go a little deeper with, you might be surprised that you’re our, we make up our minds sometimes about who is safe and who isn’t.
[00:26:01] And our minds are not always accurate. So sometimes babies a little trial steps to see if they’ll, they’ll respond differently, can be really useful. Um, and I love someone shared in the chat that they had had a nephew and they were watching the nephew in the fa navigating the family and kind of setting boundaries for things that they’d put up with those kids.
[00:26:23] Um, and yeah, there’s a lot of dysfunction in our world and we don’t always see it because we’re swimming, we’re that fish and water and it’s like really hard to see the water 'cause that’s all there is. And then we see someone going, no, I don’t wanna do that. Like, I didn’t wanna do that either. So thanks for sharing that.
[00:26:43] Um, should we talk about the internal now? Yeah, go ahead. Okay. So one of the things I think our society does very poorly is there’s kind of a narrative that we have one choice or one impulse at any given time. And I see this all the time. They’re like, honor your, like when people are talking about honoring your impulses, well, sometimes like I want, like, I’m trying to do self-care, but like, I really wanna shower and I also really want to go to bed and I also really need about a half an hour of just watching TV or D or chilling.
[00:27:15] Those are all real wants and needs, and they’re not, they’re, they’re in conflict. They’re not gonna, like, I can’t like necessarily do all of them if I’m gonna get enough sleep for the next day or whatever, whatever energy I have left. And I think too often people are saying, well just honor your needs. And it’s like, But what if they’re in conflict?
[00:27:35] And we’re not saying we’re gonna be able to solve everything here, but we’re gonna give you some tips on it. And I think it’s very important to identify this and acknowledge it because if it’s not normalized, we can, like, I remember first talking to people and I was like, well, what do you really need right now?
[00:27:50] And I’m like, but I need all these things. Like, I don’t know how to decide. Um, and I felt a little crazy because no one was saying, no one was really saying, Hey, we can have conflicting needs in any given moment. We can have impulses that are very different. So there’s, my survival brain is very afraid. Um, my body had been in a lot of pain for a while, so movement hurt.
[00:28:11] For months. Um, and so my survival brain thinks movement’s gonna hurt and yet I’m not hurting anymore and I wanna get back in shape. So I’ve been wanting to work out, so I have fears that are coming up and historical like, oh, this hurt before, or I needed this before, versus What do I need right now? So the more we can be, again, I talked about earlier about like we get more aware of the subtle nuances that are going on.
[00:28:37] So if we notice a bunch of like, I want to do this and this, and we’re feeling like kind of torn by that, if you can just take a breath for a minute. This is one of the things I’m learning to do and I’m practicing it to try to anchor it, is like, okay, I’m feeling all these things, things are present, current right now, and which are old things, which are things that are like.
[00:29:02] So, for example, I’ve been missing my grandfather for some reason. We a lot lately. He died over 20 years ago. But he loved, he would always get us briar’s ice cream. That was just the thing he did. Um, and so it was a special treat we had with him and I wanted it so bad last night 'cause I wanted to feel connection to him.
[00:29:20] It wasn’t anything about, now my body wasn’t particularly craving ice cream, but I wanted the connection I remembered. So unfortunately I could not procure any. But it actually was good in a way because it helped me like be with, oh, I just really wanna be connected with him. Can I do that without the ice cream?
[00:29:36] Can I just be with, uh, oh, I’m, I’m missing him. I wish I could call and share some of the things that are going on in my life right now. So if we can dig down a little bit beneath those top impulses, um, and especially if we can identify what is old versus what is now. Like I, like I. Family often didn’t have, they were very poor.
[00:29:58] There wasn’t a lot of food in the refrigerator. So there’s an impulse to keep the refrigerator full all the time. But I live in San Jose where we can get anything short of monkey brains delivered 24 7. I don’t really have that same need to do that. So if we can separate now versus then, am I saying that clearly, Rick?
[00:30:20] Well, it, it, yes. And to me, um,
[00:30:30] the, the workshop for me, the skill here that we’re, and it, and it’s awkward because, um, most of the time we think about making a decision rather than having a direction. And sometimes things that are, um, co-present with it. So someone talked about, um, They judge themselves as really sucking at setting a boundary to let them know I was out of steam and needed them to leave.
[00:31:04] I just suffered through for hours until they decided to leave on their own. They were not taking the hints. Um, from a, from a binary view, it can be I had this rising need in me that I’m aware of, of I’m tired. My, my energy is, is this. Um, and that can be a part of us, but why do we often find it hard to set boundaries with family?
[00:31:36] Someone else acknowledge finding it hard to set a boundary. Well, a boundary. Imagine this. I need you guys to, I’m exhausted. I need you to leave. Now that is setting a boundary to me. It is saying, I have reached the edge of my rope and I need you to leave. There are no other options. This is not open for discussion.
[00:31:56] There’s nothing else active other than this immediate thing. It’s sort of like my equivalent of the room is on fire. We must leave. There’s no other choice. Boundaries. Um, we, I believe that we put a lot of things into boundaries, which could go into another category, like what we’re doing right now. A part of me is just so, Hey guys, just, I wanna let you know there’s a couple of different things going on for me, um, as the host of the space.
[00:32:28] Uh, one is I’m really tired. I can just, my physical body, my, my, I’m, I’m having a hard time even hearing listening. I’m I. A part of me just wants to go and lie down. And another one knows that this is a, this is a time. You all are here. You’re my family. I love you. I don’t want you to feel like, um, whatever.
[00:32:53] And I’m also like unsure what to do next. So I would love to hear from you all what feels right to you? Is it time, feeling time for any of you to, to make an exit? Um, do you want, um, me to, is it okay if I go off to the bedroom without any hurt feelings? Um, do you see what I mean? That is not a boundary, but it is helping me find direction with the different voices in my head.
[00:33:26] Um, and also it’s letting other people have information to navigate. Um, a hint to me is, um, Uh, I love that some people are empathetic like me, that, um, if I’m looking for hints, I’m looking for the unspoken, not with fear, but just awareness. I like being savvy enough to know that, um, the, the hosts are starting to pull away.
[00:33:59] They’re not like they’re, the energy is like of separation. Um, I like being able to pick up on that. Um, I have a, it matters to me to be thoughtful and responsive to other people’s energy. I. Now if I’m there at a party with other people that have been stuck away, they haven’t interacted with people for years, this is their breakthrough moment, right?
[00:34:24] And they’re really like, oh, this is, this is soul food for me. I’m here with people I love, and I just, I’m gonna, I’m gonna keep it going. I’m gonna keep the party going. Um, they’re attuned someplace else. I believe that when we’re finding our direction in a sea of voices, of voices and energy, um, for those of us that might feel things in our body, we may feel different people’s energy.
[00:34:51] We may be visual and see microexpressions and, you know, body language and things, and others of us can hear the tone of someone’s voice. We might even get spiritual guidance. Hey, it’s time to leave in a soft way. Um, it’s time to make a graceful exit without even having a reason. Um, and that, that matters to us to honor our own spiritual guidance without excuse, um, and with trust.
[00:35:19] Um, so those are taking those inside inventory of the different parts of us. Um, And trauma has a tendency for things to fall into. Well, it’s bumping against a trauma, so it feels like I should be setting a boundary, whereas, okay, that’s a part of me. What else is active here? I think something straight. I’m afraid of what I, my family.
[00:35:47] Disregulates, unless you let them stay as long as they want. I’ve seen this a dozen times in recent history, um, that Oh, So finding direction with the family may be that no, I, I, we don’t meet at my house. Um, it might be that we don’t meet at the house or if we choose to. Like, there’s been times where I’ve really selected up and, but I knew I was going to do it beforehand.
[00:36:14] Like I, I had chosen that path because it was the most easy for your, or was the most expedient or whatever. But there was a choice in it that I could have said, no, I don’t wanna meet there. And I do find that sharing the, um, sharing the conflict inside of me or the different needs, it really helps people feel less judged.
[00:36:35] So if I just said, you know, I’m tired, I need y’all to leave. It’s setting a boundary, but it’s not, it can feel really cold to some people. Like, oh, they’re just kicking me out. Versus like, Hey, you know, I’m having the best time. I have missed you guys so much. And part of me really wants to push my body. And I’ve been really struggling with, I.
[00:36:55] Right now I just, I’m really, I’m fading fast, so I’m wondering if I, you know, I would love to see you again soon. Can we find a different time? But I need to wrap the evening up. It comes across a little gentler now with some people, they’ll use that as a way to push, I. The, they’ll, they’ll hear that as a, as ammunition you can use against the person.
[00:37:16] So I’m selective on who, again, who I share it with. But I do find that it can build a deeper relationship and at role models for other people, they can have conflicting needs too. And they can start articulating like, oh, I would really like this, but not this part of it. Um, I think a lot of us were brought up with very rigid, we have to choose one thing and stick with it.
[00:37:35] We can’t change our mind, we can’t have different needs later. Um, and I want to be in a world where people can say, you know, I thought this would be great, but I’m not have, this isn’t working for me right now. Or, um, you know, I thought I wanted Chinese food, but you know, I’m really realizing I want Italian.
[00:37:52] Can, can we change our minds? Um, and I think that’s, there’s an intimacy. I talk, this is an engineering thing, but when we touch where we really are versus where we think we’ll be. So like the a, if you have a circle, there’s a tangent to the circle and often we think we’re gonna be over here. We project where we’re gonna be versus like, can we be with each other in the moment as it changes?
[00:38:15] And like if that, if the curve changes, then we’re in a different place and we, if we can dance, like contact improv changing with the moment with each other, there’s an intimacy. And for non-engineers, maybe that doesn’t make sense to you, but there’s an intimacy in being where you are as you are with the person you’re with.
[00:38:36] Um, and just kind of acknowledging, accepting that with each other. And that I think is very savvy relating when you’re with people that want to dance with you. Um, so there’s a lot, there’s not, we can’t just change how many internal voices we have. The more I cleared old traumas, the more there was quieter in my head.
[00:38:56] Like there weren’t so many competing things and fearful things. But there’s still often many. And I think that we’re people that tend to come to these calls tend to be creative, intelligent, uh, people with, you know, We might have five or 10 or 20 different things we’d like to do at any given moment. And so we wanna get into a little bit of the savvy when we, as we’re gonna go for a break in a few minutes, but I wonder if we can just do some tapping on the, the different, I think there sometimes there’s a frustration for me or like, ah, why are there so many, is there something wrong with me that there’s so many different things I want to do or I’m pulled to do?
[00:39:35] Um, I’m wonder wondering if that feels like it would be good to tap on Yeah. The ecosystem of us different karate chap, even though my ecosystem is sometimes pretty noisy, even though my ecosystem is sometimes pretty noisy, there’s all the noise from outside. Uh, there’s all the noise from outside. And then inside’s pretty noisy too.
[00:40:05] And inside’s pretty noisy too. And I can’t just go hide in my bedroom 'cause the voices in my head go with me. Oh, I can’t just go hide in my bedroom because the voices in me go with me, the head. There’s a lot of different things I wanna do. Any moment. There’s a lot of different things I wanna do at any moment.
[00:40:26] I brow, and some of them are in conflict and some of them seem to be in con conflict outta the eye. I do can’t do all of them. I cannot do all of them under the eye. And I feel pulled in a lot of different directions
[00:40:45] and I can feel pulled in a lot of different directions under the nose. What if I took a breath? What if I took a breath? Let them be for a moment and let them be for a moment. Hall bone, they’re not gonna go away. Hey, they have proven they are not going to go away, and they are. And I don’t have to jump at every voice I hear, and I do not have to jump at every voice.
[00:41:16] I hear top of the head for a long time, I jumped at the loudest loud for a long time. I jumped at the loudest I brow, or the one yeah, most fearful cough off that fur ball. I most fearful be pressured by people that love me the most and pressured by people who love me the most under the eye and knew what buttons to push, and definitely knew what buttons to push under the nose.
[00:41:47] That’s a lot about attachment. That’s a lot about attachment. Shannon, who I felt most insecure with and who I felt most insecure with. Hallon, I’d like to have a secure attachment with myself. I want to have a secure attachment with myself under the arm, and a secure attachment with those that most influence me, and a secure attachment with those that most influence me.
[00:42:14] Top of the head. Top of head. So maybe I can just breathe and be with these emotions. So maybe I can just breathe and be with these emotions and know I’m okay and know I’m okay.
[00:42:34] I think sometimes just accepting them and hearing them being present with them, it can help give us clarity. 'cause often when we’re just breathing with them, it gets, it’s a lot easier to distinguish, oh, this is something about when I was a child and didn’t have enough of this. Or, this is about a sadness I’m feeling, or an anger I’m feeling about something else.
[00:42:54] This is about something I really kind of need right now. Like it, they’ll sort themselves somewhat if we can just, just breathe and be with those feelings. Mm-hmm.
[00:43:11] I am almost a day thousand of, uh, my morning mile. And I’m fortunate enough to, I’m fortunate to have trails around here that, um, have very different undulations, different vibes, diff, different energies. Um,
[00:43:32] There is a quality when we go out into the world, um, to, to go for a walk even. Um, and oh, I’m going for a walk. And if we look at it emotionally and energetically, um, what’s, there can be an inner part of me that wants to move with vitality. There may be a part of me that wants to, um, feel my heart rate go up.
[00:44:02] And if I do that, I might choose a section of the trail that is going to have directions that are more vertical, more challenging to my physiology. It may be that what I need is to have a conversation with myself. I, I talk to myself on the trail. The bears don’t seem to mind, or at least they run away.
[00:44:25] Well, I don’t know whether that, what that means. Um, So in this case, I want to have that. And so I might choose a trail that’s well known and is not, doesn’t require as much energy and the direction I know that I’m walking the trail. Um, you could say, well, what direction is he going? Well, if you looked at northeast, south, and West, it may be that I cover the entire directional spectrum, and I believe that emotionally, um, it’s, it’s, you know, sailboats work back and forth, uh, in the wind and with the wind, cross wind, we use the winds, we use the things that are there.
[00:45:11] We look at the weather, we look at the sails we put up, um, within myself. Uh, yesterday there was a birthday party. Um, it was gonna be right after the circle call. I, I could have. If I really was right for me to be there with my family, I could have rescheduled the circle call. I have the freedom to do that, and as I felt that desire to go with 'em and my desire to be with my circle in a sharing circle, um, I chose because I do put a lot of energy in my, with my family.
[00:45:50] Um, I chose that opportunity to be there and it was set up that like I would text afterwards inside of me was a part of me wanted to just like decide no. But then there was also a part of me that wanted to keep it open and see what the energy was and so it the next Yes, finding our direction internally often is about what’s my next yes, what’s my yes for now to use Cathy’s?
[00:46:23] Where am I now? I thought I’d be in a certain place after the circle call. Um, but I was actually in a very like savoring, sedate, kind of wanting my solitude, but I also, at the same time, there was a voice with me. It’s like, man, you are so craving connection with people and they’re wonderful people and it’s a birthday party and Jim made a cake that you love and you know, and when I texted what happened was, um, it had started to rain and people were moving inside and I started feeling like, okay, instead of it being an outdoor event, they have a really sweet property.
[00:47:08] It was gonna be an indoor event. And then shortly after it’s like, it’s really hot in here. There’s a fan. But, and then I felt like, oh,
[00:47:21] Savvy relating with those parts of me allows me to take a journey where you’re attacking and maybe turning around or changing direction or finding something that is more true. And right now. And now and now, um, is there a part of me that also said, well, dammit, I really wanted to go and be with people.
[00:47:46] Yes. And I tapped a few, just a few times on that, like, yeah, I wish it had worked out so that it, that was my yes. And what’s my yes now. And so I went to my next Yes. Um, that as we’re looking at having different parts of us that are going to be active, whether they are in conflict or they are possibilities that choosing one really does.
[00:48:20] Take us in a different direction, an experience than choosing the other. Um, as Cathy and I prepared for our workshop, there was that sense of, of balance, and I think that’s what I’d like to, after we take our seven minute break here, to come back to, um, what does it mean when you do definitely have like inner critic and um, other voices which are loud or needs, which are profound.
[00:48:51] And some I know I have needs that are profoundly important. If I don’t meet those needs, then I really do suffer. Um, if you’re, if you have that, um, how do you maintain balance, how do you find directional balance within the sea of stuff? And I also wanna touch on the external, the social aspects, because I know that.
[00:49:17] Just looking around at people. There’s a lot of co-creative people here and, uh, I want to experience more artistry in our community and in the world. And part of Sea of Voices is which ones do you actually choose not to give energy to? Um, and how do we do some of that? Does that sound good to you, Cathy?
[00:49:36] I’m gonna ask. Sounds great. I just wanna fill in about attachment theory, um, if that’s okay. Just take a minute. Um, so I like to use a kitten as an analogy 'cause cats are pretty self-sufficient. So and so attachment theory is a growing theory and it’s very useful I think. So the someone, a kitten that’s securely attached will go and play or come back and it knows its needs are gonna get met.
[00:50:01] It’s not like constantly watching it’s human or it’s mom. It’s like, oh, the world is pretty safe and good. I get what I need most of the time. And insecure kit insecurely, attached kitten is gonna clinging to you constantly. It’s afraid you’re gonna go away or what it needs is gonna go away. So it’s gonna be constantly paying attention to you.
[00:50:21] It’s very anxious. It’s like, is that, oh, where are you going? What are you doing now? Are you mad at me? Now I live my life partly that way. Um, and an avoidant attachment is a kitten that doesn’t like hisses and spits at you all the time because it’s learned that being. Connected. Doesn’t feel good that they’re, that people overpowered, overwhelm it.
[00:50:42] My mother does this to her cat sometimes she’ll pick it up and it’s obviously doesn’t want to be held. And she’s like, I’m gonna hold you 'cause I feed you. And she’s petting. And it’s like, that’s an avoidant attachment. There’s also, which they, uh uh, an additional one, which is different, people call it different ways, but it’s like a mixture of avoidant and anxious.
[00:51:02] So someone who really craves attention, they wanna get close, but then they get scared and they run away. So, um, Many of us can re resonate with parts of ourselves or other people we know that might be like that. But I think knowing the attachment theory is really useful. I am trying very hard to learn, to be securely attached to myself because we learn patterns from when we’re we treat ourselves the way we are.
[00:51:26] Often we were brought up. So I will sometimes lob a lot of attention on myself when I want it or not. And there are other times when I’m like, oh, you’re too much work. I’m gonna push you away. So I am trying to be more regulated and we’ll talk about balance. Um, finding good ways to, not overwhelm or avoid, but to actually be present and figure a, a good balance with ourselves so that most of our important needs are getting met and we feel seen and heard.
[00:51:55] And for me, that’s working really well as a way to. Balance myself with my self care, if that makes sense. So secure attachment with myself, I trust myself to pay attention and to be there most of the time. Mm-hmm. Um, so hopefully that’ll help. Um, and yeah, that’s okay. We’re gonna take a seven minute break.
[00:52:15] It’s an integration break and it’s an opportunity for you to listen to what’s right for you. If you’re listening to the recording. Hi. Um, thank you for being with us. I’ll encourage you to take a break here too, and we’ll be back in seven minutes.
[00:52:32] Welcome back, finding your direction in a sea of voices. Ah, and we’ve, we’ve touched on, uh, many different aspects of this and one of the notions around direction to me is that, um, when I look at the arc of things and the ecosystem of things that matter to me, um, I want to visit those. Like if you think about energetically like, oh, solitude, precious solitude and silence.
[00:53:11] Uh, if celebration also matters to you, I, you, you could combine them and celebrate your solitude and quiet stillness. But if co-creating and celebrating as a community is something that matters to you, um, that’s a bit of a different energetic direction. And so when we talk about balance, we’re not necessarily talking about a teeter-totter.
[00:53:45] We’re talking about when you feel into the emotional world that you want, that’s thriving for you. Your direction, your thriving ecosystem. Um, how do we, uh, make sure that it isn’t just the loudest voice, the most urgent aspects? The, or the, yeah. The scariest that are avoided, um, or given a lot of our time and attention.
[00:54:22] So Cathy, do you wanna riff on, uh, engagement that don’t you think? You said, uh, someone just said they were being watched by a scare, uh, insecure rabbit, so I thought that was pretty cute. Uh, while we were talking about secure attachment, um, One of the earliest seminars I took, and they, this just really struck me, is, um, they, they asked everyone if they’ve been sitting for a while and they said, is everyone feeling a little bit like they wanna move around?
[00:54:46] And so we, yeah, we’re like, we’re been sitting in a chair for a couple hours. So they said, stretch out as far as you can go stretch out. Like, what? If you wanna do this, you’re welcome to please take care everybody, but just stretch out, breathe and stretch and stretch and stretch and stretch. And they’re like, no, stay there for an hour.
[00:55:02] And we’re like, what? And they’re like, no, you don’t want that do you? We’re like, no. And they said, okay. Now come in and be a small, like, be really small. Be small, small, small. Be very small. Okay, now stay there for an hour. Like, oh no, I don’t wanna do that. It felt good for a moment, but it doesn’t feel good forever.
[00:55:20] So like, I think there’s a balance and inhale and exhale. We wanna be with people, we wanna be without people. We wanna rest. We wanna play and, and create things. And for me, honoring that is really a big part of it. And someone said they like the concept of self-care that I shared, but they weren’t sure they got it.
[00:55:38] And let me just give a quick example if that’s okay. When I get on a health kick, I will get, so I wanna take these a lot of vitamins. I want to eat juice every morning and it’s every day without fail, I must do this. I’m like, my brain is going on it all the time and I’m kind of, whether I’m not always listening to my body, I’ve decided with my brain that this is what I’m going to do and I’m kind of forcing that care on my body without actually listening to my body.
[00:56:03] And then there’s other times when I feel very self-indulgent and I’m gonna like order DoorDash and like sit on the couch and watch tv, which is fine, but I’m not always listening to my body either. I’ve decided I’m gonna be indulgent and my body may be like, I really wanna move, or I want a salad really badly.
[00:56:22] Uh, attach a secure attachment. It means I’m listening to my body most of the time, like I gain for 80 to 90%. And that may mean that some days I don’t take my vitamins, and some days I do. That may mean I take different vitamins on a given day. I just listen to what my body’s wanting for it. It might mean that I watch TV for an hour and then get up and move around or have a burger with a salad.
[00:56:44] There’s some balance in there. Um, and the balance means checking in with myself periodically rather than deciding with my head where I’m going and how I’m gonna get there and kind of driving myself there. So I don’t know if that helps. Like in one sense, I’m. You know, like when I really force myself to do my vitamins, I’m kind of doing that.
[00:57:04] Like I’m going to take care of you whether you want it or not. And like kind of forcing stuff on myself, which doesn’t feel good. And then when I kind of just like, I’m gonna be indulgent, I feel like I kind of abandoned myself. I’m not really listening to my body and its needs. So for me, finding. Really useful.
[00:57:22] And I don’t know if that helps with the self-care, but, um, I, I just, since I found it really useful, I thought I’d share that. Mm-hmm. Um, I think finding balance in general, one of the things we were talking about was Rick and I when we were prepping for the call was like how we often have these impulses to do different things.
[00:57:41] Like I came home today and I really wanted to work out and I also really wanted to take a shower before this call. And a meeting came up from work that I hadn’t planned on. So I couldn’t do both. And I was like, oh, what’s balanced for me? Well, I worked out this morning at work. I, when I got my break, I went and walked on the treadmill and I was really feeling sticky from, it just was a really hot drive home and work was kind of one of those days where you just were gonna wash it off.
[00:58:07] So I decided for the shower, I was looking for balance. If I hadn’t walked this morning, I might’ve said, well, since I can’t do both, I might wanna walk now. 'cause I don’t know that I’ll want to afterwards, but, When, when we have these impulses and these thoughts, it’s, they’re not necessarily in isolation.
[00:58:26] We may have them many times a day, and if we’re, if we’re like, oh, it’s important for me to move my body. Am I honoring that need to move my body a couple times a day? Am I honoring that need for, for pampering or like being a little indulgent a couple times a day, like finding the overall balance and the arc of it versus like, I have to each time decide like we can be influenced by other decisions we made during the day and we can try to find a balance in our life that fits really well for us.
[00:58:58] Mm-hmm. You wanna say more about that, Rick? Well, if, if you happen to be a freedom, uh, loving person, um, I think about
[00:59:17] when I. I didn’t go and exercise today. I kind of had the same sort of thing. Uh, Adera was up in the middle of the night. Um, I was so out of it. My watch, even thought I was in REM sleep for like two and a half hours when I was actually just like in this altered state of reading children’s books with a very awake child at four o’clock in the morning.
[00:59:44] Um, there’s a part of me that wants freedom, but also sometimes wants a freedom from the half to, so for example, if the morning mile was a half to what I’d be saying is I, I’m actually, uh, allergic to have tos. So my consistency, like someone said, um, you know, I scold myself for being so inconsistent. I used to do that.
[01:00:15] What I did was for the morning mile, the only reason I have been quote consistent is I set it up with a lot of freedom. I have the freedom to put on my shoes, walk to my car, and walk back and call it the morning mile. Okay? If that’s my yes, that actually counts as a morning mile. I am allowed. The sacred no, the sacred, no.
[01:00:41] I have the freedom to say no to something that’s really important to me today as a sacred no. And that’s what it was today. My body, part of me really wanted that movement. Part of me loves the consistency and a part of me was saying, you know, what really matters to you is. The Q that you have right now, if you go to the gym, it didn’t feel right to go and walk in the rain and the thunder.
[01:01:12] Um, if I went to the gym, I was gonna use up qi that is here for, for us and me, um, for this call. And so I said a sacred, I had the freedom to give a sacred no to my morning mile today. And without it being a violation of it actually is staying true to that part of me, which, which wants to structure my life so that I’m free from, have tos as much as possible and I am, uh, I’m free to make choices that are right for me, uh, even as they, they are modified.
[01:01:57] Because I have mapped out on a piece of paper and I often do this, you know, and refresh it. Um, the things that are a part of my ecosystem, uh, COVID for example, really took me out of like an essential nutrient for me was celebrating in community at dance and a sacred a a a a nutrient was doing contact improv, which lets me physically express myself spontaneously with and influenced with others.
[01:02:30] Um, coming back into those, I’m aware that they’re, they’re profound inside of me. They’re a voice, they’re a craving. They’re, um, a lot. I can actually hold that truth and also know that my lifestyle right now, that there’s some things related to family and tending to my family’s future, which actually get a lot more of a attention.
[01:03:00] For me, balance includes holding the desire for something that isn’t there and being able to hold it with, I like this about myself. I am looking for ways of doing that. Um, and what was interesting, I believe that when we are in a place where we can not be hitting ourselves for, oh, I can’t believe my life doesn’t, I don’t get to do that, or I don’t have that person in my life or someone to do this with, if we oh, uh, you know, that’s alive in me.
[01:03:34] What can often happen is, um, it starts to, I. Other ways of getting the need or aspects of the need met can come forward. Emotional freedom says to me that if I have an idea of how a particular need is met, that can influence me, but there’s adaptations and other things which are not in denial of something that’s dear and precious to me.
[01:04:03] There are other ways of, of hitting the same notes. So, um, the, the birthday present that Cathy’s getting me is, uh, this kind of bone conduction headset, which helps with my hearing. Um, but it doesn’t have this. Um, and, but I wore this down to try out the idea. Um, I wore, I wore this down downstairs the other day and I was cleaning the kitchen and I was singing songs that I wanted, but nobody else could hear it.
[01:04:34] My kids are, you know, eating breakfast and they’re kind of looking at me like this. And then I just, there was this song came on and I just started dancing and singing to it. And, um, they saw, I’ve not really done that. I, they couldn’t hear what I was singing to. And, um, and they started moving. And that was a contact improv and singing.
[01:05:00] And just that moment you could probably tell my vibe changed just from having that one little simple minute and a half. Um, how, what, what led me to do that. It wasn’t trying to solve a problem or try to meet a need. It was like holding the space of all the needs met and unmet and allowing my creativity and co creativity to come up, mentioning it to my partner, um, mentioning, um, Not just mentioning it, but, but being clear how precious it is, um, being witnessed by Cathy and Gem, um, that, uh, it changes me when I get to dance and by carrying their affirmation, it allowed me to direct it in different ways.
[01:05:53] Um, our next plan is that we’re gonna have a family dance party where we, you know, uh, ADIR will be listening to Daniel Tiger, probably, or Coco Mellon. And, uh, Emerald will be listening to, what’s his name, um, uh, Franti. And I’ll probably be listening to some Latin music and I don’t know what gem’s gonna be listening to.
[01:06:14] And we’re all gonna have our own headsets on, and we’re gonna have a family dance party with four, four different musics going on. Um, so what does that,
[01:06:29] um, I think what, uh, if I can just, it sounds to me like go for it. Tying together a lot of what we’ve talked about is that if we can be present with all of our different needs, if we can, a lot of times there’s judgment or we shouldn’t feel this way, or we should be more clear versus can I just breathe and be with all the different things that I want and honor them all as being valid and noticing which ones come from inside me in a way I want to pay attention to.
[01:06:57] That builds a muscle and it, it also lets us be more creative and find a solution that might not have existed in our world before that. Um, I love that you were modeling for the kids. You can just sing and dance and, um, one of the questions we talked about, we wanted to emphasize here is when we notice different impulses in our, or different wants or needs.
[01:07:19] A good question is, what makes this important to me? Um, so, you know, being expressive and alive and singing and dancing, that feels very important to Rick. And, and that’s wonderful. Like me starting to get moving again after hurting my knee, that feels very important to me. Um, but asking what is it that makes it important to me?
[01:07:41] Is it that social media will be happy with me or, you know, my mother’s not gonna be mad at me, or my, you know, my cat’s gonna be happy with me. Those are not necessarily bad things, but I think when we identify, we dig down a little bit deeper and we look at what is it that, what’s the impulse behind that?
[01:07:59] Um, and it helps me for when I look at other people too. My mother keeps asking me to move to New York and. I have, I know it’s a no for me, and I’m calm about that. So lets me not be so reactive and I can go, oh, I’m noticing that she probably misses me. She wishes I was closer and it would be very convenient if I was close to her to help her with all the tasks that she creates for herself that I don’t want to do.
[01:08:22] And so when she tells, you know, just kind of being with the full truth as I perceive it in a calm way when she says, I would, you know, are you gonna move to New York? I can say, I love you too, mom. And it, I like spending time with you sometimes and I’m not gonna move to New York so I can kind of talk to the.
[01:08:39] And some of the things behind the scenes, I don’t have to bring up to the fact that she creates a zillion tasks for herself and wants minions to help that I don’t wanna help with, I’ll help with the things I view as important, but, um, I think it lets us be more balanced in our, just like I feel calmly balanced when she brings it up and like the fourth or fifth time in a conversation, I might feel a little annoyed, but it’s like, yeah, you miss me and you wish I was closer.
[01:09:04] Okay, I get that. So asking why it’s important to you and also when someone pushes something, I love that when someone keeps pushing something I don’t wanna do, I’m like, why is it important to you that I say yes to this? And that can kind of stop them some. Sometimes their reasons aren’t very, uh, publicly friendly.
[01:09:25] Like they may not wanna share them. Um, or they might realize that they’re being pushy without, maybe they’ve never realized they’re being pushy about it. 'cause sometimes we get on a roll, I’ll get excited about something and like, let’s go do this thing and not really pay attention to other people. So asking why it’s important internally and externally can be a really good balancing act.
[01:09:46] Uh, with our time remaining, I wanna talk about, um, the external voices in particular and what they can do with, with us as well. Um,
[01:09:58] yeah. I shared in, in one of the email invitations about, um, if you want to grow your business, you’re probably going to attune to people that are marketing oriented. And that is quite the spectrum. Um, you have people that, um, take a. Their own very assertive way. There are people that value making a huge impact with lots of people and big numbers, big stadiums and things like that.
[01:10:31] Um, and across the spectrum, um, I, uh, acknowledge that one of the things that is valuable to me as a, as a human, as Rick, um, is exploration. So, for example, early on I was thinking about thriving now, and the core things that I wanted to explore were emotional freedom, mental clarity, physical vitality, um, financial abundance and spiritual connection.
[01:11:06] Those. And those are infinite. Uh, you could take any of those and have a hundred million trillion businesses, um, in any of those areas. It’s not niche, but that’s what got me alive in doing, thriving. Now, oh, since the early two thousands when I, when I started thriving now, um, I have read many, many times over and over assertions.
[01:11:36] Well, if you want to grow your business, you need to niche. You need to have an avatar. Well, as I look at the people that are here, as I look at the members of my circle, uh, none of you fit a caricature. There’s. You’re not a particular age, you’re not a particular gender orientation. Your sexual orientations, your intellectual orientations.
[01:11:58] I think we share some values. You’re not repulsed by the idea of freedom. If this was the obligation workshop, um, I would be a terrible facilitator for the obligation workshop. How to obligate people to do more for you. Um, enslaving others through an, uh, uh, encouragement, appreciation, and fear of missing out.
[01:12:19] Um, like we know for example, that in marketing, um, scarcity, uh, is a trigger for humans. Fear of missing out is a trigger. When I, I read that, I go, yes, and that is so wrong for me. Now, there’s a sea of voices out there that can teach and will assert that if you don’t use scarcity, you’re not going to be as successful as if you do.
[01:12:50] What do I do with that information? Well, one is I have to come back to, within me, there is a very strong voice. I want to live in a world of, um, abundance, generosity, um, and inclusion. And so something that, that really is not any of those, um, can’t resonate with me. And so that helps me filter out a lot of the messengers and the way that they spin it.
[01:13:17] And then there’s a reality that I know myself, you know, um, Hey, there’s a Labor Day sale going on. Get this now. Well, 20% off. Okay. Um, when people talk about fomo, I actually want to inoculate everyone around me as much as possible so that FOMO isn’t, fear of missing out is not how they make their decisions.
[01:13:44] I, I, because I don’t. I, I fear of missing out. To me, my experience of FOMO is it’s coming from my primitive brain and it’s, it’s, I better grab it now. I, or it, it’ll never happen again. I have to go for this opportunity. Opportunity only knocks once. No, it is tapping and annoying. I have so many opportunities.
[01:14:09] Um, you do too. Um, and opportunities that, so that, so in essence, um, if you, if you, if you value freedom, something that tells you, well, you have to do it this way or else you can pretty much filter out. It is, it is an ill wind from my view. Um, there may be something in there that gives you clarity. I believe that, um, I.
[01:14:47] I believe that contrast when I’ve had somebody be really assertive that, well, if you really wanna make an impact, this is what you have to do. Um, the process of finding my own vo my own direction often gives me something that no, they’re not gonna agree with. They’re not gonna look at it and say, yeah, do that.
[01:15:12] Um, but that’s one of the unique things I, I believe about thriving now in the way that Cathy and I structured the we space of it, is that we want to feel what your yeses and support you in that. Um, I have clients who live in a culture where obligation is foundational, and so for them, what they say is, I want, you know, they’ve chosen to say, I.
[01:15:39] I can feel the structure, the steel, the structural energy, and the obligations that bind us. And while there’s a part of me that wants to be free, I can express my freedom in other ways without necessarily going outside these, these core obligations that I have. Um, and, and that’s, that is, can be finding our direction in a way that is quite different.
[01:16:10] Um, so we have a requested, one more, one more quick thing. Um, see of voices. Uh, Anytime my dad took us out on the boat, um, there was a chance of getting wet and chance of waves coming over and other stuff. Um, I believe if we’re gonna be savvy in relating and, and engaging, um, with any other human, one or more, much less, one or a million, that there’s going to be voices and those voices are going to be across a spectrum of things, um, affirming.
[01:16:48] Um, you know, you may have, like, there’s a, there are voices of people that try to, you know, that have like, put us on a pedestal. Um, that’s not a voice that we are guided by that doesn’t nourish us. We want people to like, you know, putting someone on a pedestal is, is not a voice that I use to guide me. Um, I understand, but it’s not, and so, um, I.
[01:17:16] I believe that tapping and this work of keeping coming back to ourselves can allow us to be out there doing things, expanding our zone of engagement, so that we’re reaching the, the, the size, the right size, right distance, right depth with the people that matter to us. Um, and allowing them to have their own vantage points, uh, without it knocking us off our direction, even if we have to navigate a little differently.
[01:17:51] Yeah, I think that’s beautiful. So, uh, someone asked about tapping on so many opportunities. I maybe we can do a, a email with a, a video or something on that. 'cause we’re just, we wanna wrap it up. I do think that sometimes FOMO can be useful. I just wanna give a little bit of a counter. I don’t, I don’t use it much for marketing.
[01:18:12] Like, say, if you don’t get in this class, you’re gonna suffer forever and you’re gonna just, your wife will leave you and your dog will leave you and your house will burn down. I don’t, there is something, one of my things is I don’t wanna wake up at the end of my life and say, where did it go? So I think FOMO in the sense of contrast, do I want this or this can be very useful for ourselves to help decide what’s important.
[01:18:36] So I’m not saying there’s only one road to Rome. I never say that in my marketing. I always say, if this resonates with you, please join in. But. I do say, do you want to continue on the path you’re on or would you like to shift it? Because that can help people wake up. And I do think there’s many people that, that fish in water not noticing the water.
[01:18:56] We can be swimming along and not realizing that things are just kind of in inertia. So I do think there, there is time when fomo like the contrast principle, this or this can be useful. So I don’t wanna write that off completely. And I just wanted to kind of put that in. So, you know, I have a 10% FOMO thing I use and, and when I do email marketing and stuff is like, Hey, I don’t care how you do it, if you know, do what resonates with you.
[01:19:21] But if you wanna see a change, please notice what’s important to you and please start building that muscle and baby steps or getting help to do that. So I just wanna invite that in, just kind of weave that into the, the swirl of everything here. Thank you. Um, I call that, um, acknowledging the elephant of missing out and feeling like you’re not thriving and that.
[01:19:43] That to me is part of, uh, doing and being in an emotional engagement with people that we love is saying, I’m noticing, um, that you know, your energy is here or that you’re feeling this, um, is it right for you to make a shift, a change? Um, and, uh, that’s, yeah, we’re human, you know, and we often need to feel the invitation, the acknowledgement, the in, and, uh, we hope that you do.
[01:20:19] In our next, uh, month, we’re gonna be talking about, um, uh, Avoiding some pitfalls in co-creating because I think co-creating is in incredible. And you’re co, you’ve co-created this workshop with us by your energy, your, your, your comments in the chat. Um, we invite you to continue that if things come up. Um, there are some people that after they watch the workshop, they give us some feedback and it is so nourishing.
[01:20:48] And that’s their, yes. It’s not it. So it’s one of those things where we welcome your, uh, your ahas, what you notice and the like as something that helps us tune in. Our next, uh, two, we’re, we’re gonna be exploring the, the pitfalls and co-creating that can come up as well as, you know, not too close, not too far, finding the sweet spot.
[01:21:15] Um, the just right, um, uh, right distance, right depth. And those will be our two workshops, um, in the next month. Yeah. Yeah. We’re so glad you were here. If you can let yourself feel, really appreciate the fact that you gave yourself this time, you explored topics that are not really comfortable, they’re not, you know, is outside of some people’s comfort zone or knowledge zones, the fact that we’re here and let yourself explore that discomfort and, and explore different ideas, it gives you a lot more a firm foundation to stand on and that will let you connect with other people.
[01:21:51] These are little baby steps and little bits of information building up the muscles that can make a huge difference in your world. And I’m just really honored that you were here and that you’re, you’re making a world I wanna live in. So thank you for that. Thank you all.
[01:22:06] Until next time. Bye.
- Navigate different energies inside and outside of you with savvy.
- Listen to your body, not just your intellectual brain, when making decisions.
- Develop an internal compass for a thriving life and stress reduction.
- Know yourself and what you want for intimacy and savvy relating.
- Break free from societal expectations and external influences.
- Embrace the various aspects of your inner voices, both loud and quiet.
- Release imposed guilt and obligations to make authentic choices.
- Recognize the importance of diverse attitudes, values, and what matters.
- Explore and embrace your emotional cravings.
- Experiment with trial steps to discover new responses.
- Embrace the multiplicity of choices and impulses within you.
- Understand and tend to your emotional needs for true freedom.
- Foster a secure attachment with yourself for emotional well-being.
- Be present with your emotions to gain clarity and guidance.
- Honor the different needs and desires of your various aspects.
- Navigate the sea of internal and external voices while staying true to yourself.
- Cultivate body guidance for improved relationships and well-being.
- Practice mindfulness and self-compassion to understand your emotions and needs.
- Embrace the ongoing journey of emotional growth and self-discovery.
Great to have you on this journey with us!