Instead of saying Yes (when we are not a YES) or saying no, here are some possibilities that might feel freer for us in certain situations:
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These are great alternatives.
When Carpool Woman asked me “Could you take the lid off your coffee so I can have a taste?” and because I was so taken aback I did as she asked when my body said NO I could have instead replied “Right now isn’t the best time, but I’d love to revisit it later on.” 
I’d also like to tongue-in-cheekily suggest a line from Pirates of the Caribbean, when Geoffrey Rush’s character says “I do believe I’m disinclined to acquiesce to your request.”
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Heavens! This is my COFFEE you’re talking about! I’d be more inclined to let you share my toothbrush than my coffee!
Humo(u)r. It is a way of helping to communicate a boundary. Of course, some people actually cannot understand humor, or it lands flat or even offends. Of course, any “no” will offend someone. Better boundaries says that is not my job.
When someone asks for something BOLD, I’ve learned my boundaries feel better if I don’t take offense, just really feel into whether it is a yes for you… while also storing away that this person will probably not have difficulty asking for what they want/need… even if it is my toothbrush!
Of course, some people do not let up. My statement in such cases is:
“That will NEVER be a YES for me. Please do not ask me again.”
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A ‘go to’ line of mine in many situations is “No…but thanks for asking.” It’s especially confusing and effective in the sort of ‘Can I have a sip of your coffee….’ type of situation you encountered. Done politely with a smile of course… 
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Thanks for humo(u)ring me Rick… 
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When we change a boundary, particularly in a way that brings us more safety and right distance right depth, it WILL give us useful information…
- How do they respond… or do they react in a way that tries to get their needs met even at your expense?
- The boundary helps you upgrade your conversation and clarity. “No, that is not what works for me now. My boundary is…”
Better boundaries ideally are agreements, where both sides say YES to the new orientation. But they do not have to be!
Sometimes boundaries are very much one-way, with the other person potentially wailing how unfair and mean they are. A boundary that must exist for healthy relating is more than okay to set and keep, even amidst the wailing.
For me if there is a lot of wailing, I will check with 1-2 other people who I believe have both healthy boundaries and the capacity for healthy, deep intimacy.
I do not want my boundaries to be based on revenge or punishment… and sometimes I’ve NOT set boundaries that would be healthy because I wanted to be “nice” more than I was willing to assert for my own well-being. Having boundary buddies to help us keep boundaries we need and adjust boundaries where that would be even more thriving is incredibly useful in my experience.
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OOOH beautifully said! 
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This is something I’ve been consciously working on for awhile. When you go from not really having boundaries, or at least good ones, it’s easy to swing the pendulum too far the other direction.
I’m more successful at the subtleties with some than others. 
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Me too!
I’m willing to note that boundaries are so so so much easier with people who value consent and healthy connection – especially those of us who have suffered from lack of same.
It also feels true, even if sad to me, that the harder core boundaries need to be in place first, and even expressed and held, before the softer ones get honored. It’s almost like people who don’t care about other people’s boundaries can feel whether it’s just a “No trespassing” sign that they can ignore or whether they will find cold hard steel if they ignore the sign.
Indeed, I prefer to not even need the sign, enjoying people to understand when and how to ask and get the Yes-Yes or stop. I so appreciate the people like that in my life.
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Susan Campbell has excellent example wording for how we can express better boundaries while honoring that we’re going to be tuning into body guidance.
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What a great reply!!!
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One of the Better Boundaries I am working on is where there is a difference in “position” around something that is loud in the world at large. I feel like I’m hitting my defensiveness (if it matters THAT much to me, which likely means my sense of safety, respect, and freedom feel threatened).
I’m just not sure… how to acknowledge. Silence is an option. Avoiding a topic is an option. Smiling and nodding is an option.
Susan Campbell seems to “speak to me” through her books that something like “I am imagining that you’re really valuing ___, ___, and ___ in this situation, and those are what feel most important. Is that true?”
…which is good, in the sense that I can reflect that I do understand what matters to them (which is not trying to argue “facts”). Like in NVC, focusing on needs rather than strategies to bring us closer.
I just can’t (right now) easily let go of my own need to be understood and validated for my own perspective when, well, we don’t see it the same way.
It’s easier also when I stay on my side of the net, to use another Susan expression. “Freedom matters to me dearly, and I acknowledge I get activated more strongly than most do around impingements of freedom.”
Anyway, felt like I needed to write this today to share with the circle. Stories and approaches welcome!
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I’m very tired and foggy today so I’m just kind of rambling…so I apologize if this is not ‘on target’.
I can feel that so strongly. I struggle with that too…lately I don’t seem to get drawn in so easily now. I decided a few days ago to stop ‘knowing things’. …I’m an expert about my opinions, my hunches and my feelings and my bodily sensations etc. but can I really say that I ‘know’ anything beyond that with certainty? I’m trying to soften my hard edges a bit.
In NLP (Neuro Linguistic Programming) there is the idea of ‘Chunking Up’ and ‘Chunking Down’…borrowed from the world of computer programming I think in the early ‘70’s when NLP was being developed. So Chunking Up would be moving away from the specific toward more general pieces of information or ideas…in other words ‘bigger chunks’ of data. So, in your example, ‘needs’ is a larger chunk than ‘strategies’ are. Each need could potentially be met by multiple strategies showing that a strategy is a smaller chunk than a need is. If you want to move toward agreement then you Chunk Up, as your NVC example demonstrates…‘not trying to argue “facts”’ as you say. I’m reminded of the old saying 'the devil is in the details’…to my mind that means deception, smoke screens, disagreement, contrast, contradiction, distractions, red herrings, trickery, weaponized language etc. hide in the details. Another saying from contract law and marketing, ‘the large print giveth and the small print taketh away’ implies the very same thing. When we Chunk Up we get a broader, more inclusive point of view. We see the forest and not just the trees.
In an effort to put that to use in actual living I try to remind myself that there is always a way to Chunk Up if what I want is agreement. Chunk size is always relative. Sometimes I don’t want easy agreement and I allow myself to have that experience, for better or worse.
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Very useful reminder for me right now. Thank you.
Moss and trees do not thrive everywhere… and neither do I. Ok to know that…
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The other day Adira wanted to watch Cocomelon. Yes, I do measure out how much screen time feels right for her. This time, though, the “No” was for me. I’d been in front of the screen enough already that day myself. I wanted to find other ways to engage with her.
Of course, she still melted. It would have been “easy” for me to assume I was being mean to her by saying No when, yeah, I could have said yes. It was within my power to say yes.
But I couldn’t say yes without being unkind to my own nervous system.
It’s an interesting exploration of better boundaries when we COULD and it’s still not a YES.
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Yes!! This describes clearly an internal battle that I can face especially with friends. It kinda plays out like this:
“Can/could you do ‘X’ for me?”
"Yes, I can/could do ‘X’ " = (I certainly have the skill set and the means to do ‘X’…‘X’ is something I know how to do…so how can I say ‘no’ I can’t/couldn’t do ‘X’ when I know I not only could but can do ‘X’…I’d be lying if I said I can’t/couldn’t do ‘X’.) Aaaaaaaaarrrrrrgggh!!!
It’s a sort of trick question for our nervous system, isn’t it? My nervous system knows I have the skill set to do what I’ve been asked so ‘Yes’ is the obvious answer.
But what I’m ignoring is the lack of desire to do ‘X’ that my nervous system is also clearly sending me signals about…I can feel it in my gut and chest. There’s a simultaneous Yes/No signal coming from within. Confusing!!!
That, for me, is the difficult decision…how do I navigate that? Is 'just not feeling like doing ‘X’ a good enough reason to say ‘No.’?
So I have often done things for/with people with varying degrees of resentment about it…and that’s not what I want.
I’ve long thought that this predicament of ‘being of two minds’ about something (I want to and at the same time I don’t want to) is one of the more fundamental things that separates us from the rest of the animal kingdom…I get the sense that bats and lions and snakes and gorillas and fruit flies and pandas never find themselves being of ‘two minds’ about something…that’s the fast track to getting yourself killed in the wild it seems to me. “Should I run or do I stand still…what’s the right thing to…aaarrgggg..”…Chomp, Chomp!! And in the same manner we can get emotionally eaten…Chomp!!. by being of two minds…as I’ve mentioned above I’ve been Chomp Chomped!! by resentment many times at saying ‘Yes’ when I should have probably said ‘No’.
I believe this very human predicament is the result of a nervous system that can talk to itself…this is a predicament driven by language IMO.
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“I’m not in a position to do that for you with a glad heart.”
I’m playing around with, yes, language.
It’s been helpful to me to make the “can I?” answer include emotional congruence and resource as well.
“I don’t have the energy for that right now.”
Same, in some ways, as saying “I don’t have the money for that right now” when, yeah, you have it in savings but it isn’t a YES to use it for ___ right now.
“That’s not a YES for me right now.”
But why?!?! You COULD.
“With the life I have left, my time and energy are precious to me. It’s not my YES, and if I did it anyway the resentment I would honestly feel would harm our relationship.”
Eeek. So honest and real. And saying no to someone who believes they have some rightful claim on our life’s energy can mean creating distance or even endings.
It’s true I am capable of resenting something that is actually my YES… unless I let go of the wish that it was different. I’ve come to know, the hard way, that if I do something that actually IS a NO for me, the repair is, well, not a “scratch” that can be buffed out. More like a gouge that needs a lot more to set right.
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