Be Calm and Confident: How?!? When? Where? Q&A

 Real Skills Workshop - Community Event

RS 2023-05-28 CalmConfidentQA

Be Calm and Confident: How?!? When? Where? Q&A

Real Skills Workshop: Be Calm and Confident

Hosts: Rick Wilkes (@Rick) (Cathy Vartuli (@Cathy) on vacation)

Recorded Sun May 28 2023

:point_right: Replay is below

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Consider, if you would, completing a survey about being Calm and Confident. It would really and truly help us tune in together about this topic for the workshop. I’m also planning a course that covers different scenarios and intentions, too. Thanks!

Be Calm and Confident Survey ~ Thanks!

Be Calm and Confident: How?!? When? Where? Q&A

Falling… Catch… Falling… Catch… Falling…

That’s what we do when we walk!

Swaying… swaying… swaying…

That’s what we do when we are “standing still.”

Life is dynamic. Physical life is never “still” – yet we tell kids to sit still! How silly we are.

It’s the same with Be Calm and Confident. This isn’t some “static state.” You can’t accurately live as a calm and confident person without recognizing that emotionally you’ll be swaying and rebalancing, sometimes falling, often catching.

Sad face.

Yeah, I wish that once I had developed the skill of being calm and confident that I’d never fall again. I didn’t like it when Adira tripped over a toy at 430am and fell, either. Poor thing, ouch, on top of the fever she was running.

But a trip, even if there’s a fall and tears, need not be the end of “walking.” Same way a trigger that leads to being scared or depressed need not be the end of Calming+Confidencing.

How do we do this? When and where is that kind of dynamic stability easy-ish?

…And… when, where, and with whom is that kind of stability really unlikely? We are not “stable” on a plane in severe turbulence nor “standing on solid ground” in the midst of an earthquake! Same goes for emotional situations, too.

I just know from experience it is possible to become more balanced, more readily re-stabilized.

But a goof I made early on was thinking that calm confidence was about what I was thinking. It’s actually mostly about energy flow. Emotions are Energy in Motion.

With Cathy on a family vacation, this coming Sunday it will be me and the circle exploring how to be calm and confident in different situations. We’ll tap tap tap to rebuild the natural pathways that help us “get back up” when we stumble, regain composure, and move forward with dynamic balance and resilience.

This is the work that attracted me to EFT Tapping right from the start. I love sharing how to cultivate savvy skills with energy (and accept ourselves when we, uhh, are not so). We’d love to have you join us!

:point_right: Replay is below

We look forward to calm confidencing with you!

With smiles and love,

Your Emotional Freedom Coach
Schedule Private, Gliding Scale Coaching Sessions Here

P.S. Adira says, “Grip strength matters if you want to be calm and confident climbing the Tree of Life.”


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Be Calm and Confident: How?!? When? Where? Q&A - Session Replay

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Be Calm and Confident Q&A

[00:00:00] ​

[00:00:00] Be calm and confident. How, uh, when, where, uh, this is a real skills workshop and it’s one of a series of ones that we’ve done together as a community around be calm and confident. Why do we keep going back to this? Well, it’s so important to me. , to be honest with you, it’s what got me into tapping. I noticed when, , if I looked at my life that there’s sort of two Ricks.

[00:00:42] There’s the worried fretful, primitive brain Rick, and then there’s the rick that is more calm and confident. , and so what I did when I saw tapping was, oh, here’s a chance to build on the meditation that I’d been doing. , meditation helped me understand that I had a body and the thoughts and the body weren’t necessarily, , in sync or in connection.

[00:01:13] And that meditation through breathing deeply and sitting and just feeling whatever was going on, it really helped me. It gave me, , a little bit of gap between stimulus and response reaction. , and in that gap, I started noticing that I had more choice. And when tapping came along, EFT tapping, and if you’re new to tapping, thriving now, dot com slash tapping is a place you can get started with our free course.

[00:01:40] And, , and ebook. I was like, okay, how do I want to feel? And how I wanted to feel was the other version of Rick Calm Confident. Those words kept coming back to me. But there was a part of me that had seen people all my life who I had labeled, oh, they’re calm and confident. They’re calm and confident.

[00:02:11] Look at them. They’re calm and confident. I wanna be like that. Tony Robbins, calm, confident, powerful, wanted to be like Tony. Um, I’m not Tony Robbins. I don’t have his biochemistry. I don’t have his physiology. I’m my personality. And all the gifts that I’ve been, I’ve been blended into me. The experiences, life experiences I have, , calm and confident to me does not look and feel like Tony Robbins.

[00:02:45] And so that’s the first place we’re gonna start off is if you think by comparing your insights, To somebody else’s outsides that you’re not calm and confident or that it needs to look that way for it to be labeled calm and confident. Um, put a question mark there. Really, you know, because one of the people that, uh, responded to our, our, our questions said, you know, the people around me all think I’m calm and confident.

[00:03:24] I’m an introvert. I’m pretty quiet. I’m pretty chill on the outside, inside though. Hmm. That doesn’t feel calm and confident to me. And so, um, it was, it was Kathy who, uh, sends her love. Um, and she’ll be back for our next workshops, she said. To me one time, you know, I realize I’ve been comparing my, my insights to other people’s outsides and that that’s causing me a lot of distress.

[00:04:02] So one of the, the question marks then is, well, what is calm and confident gonna be like for you? Um, what is your flavor, your variety? And I believe that it is as varied as your art would be. Your dance would be, um, your loving would be. And so, one of the first questions, no, I’m gonna, I’m gonna pause on that.

[00:04:38] So

[00:04:42] the other thing that I, I thought was that common confident. Was psychological that if my brain was calm and I had all these confident thoughts, like, you can do it, you can, you can, you can get through this, you can like that inner coach chat. Uh, like that’s what calm and confident would be like. Um, yeah.

[00:05:11] Uh, that, that’s also not Rick’s version of it. It may be yours. Um, if so, awesome. Uh, but my version, and I believe that this is one of the things that I, I, I brought to tapping, um, 20 years ago in conversation with Gary Craig and Carol Look and others, was the body awareness part. Because I had started back into massage school, um, to be a, a massage therapist and one of my teachers there said, When people were nervous about doing massage is she would look at them and say, are you in your body?

[00:05:56] What are you grounded? Those are the terms and we’ve, we have grounding exercises, thriving now, dot com slash grounding, and I came to understand through tapping and quieting the noise that calm and confident is mostly a body experience. You do not need your thoughts to be sweet and calm and peaceful, to be calming yourself as a trend and you don’t have to believe that you can do it or that everything’s gonna be okay to confidence yourself.

[00:06:41] And as you look at, um, Other healing arts like energy medicine, um, Chiang acupuncture, acupressure, um, movement arts. What is the state of calm confidence? And it is mostly being embodied where the energy that is intelligently wanting to move down in your body, we have these channels can move down. It’s not being pulled up by anxiety.

[00:07:18] It’s not being pulled up by being in primitive brain and that there’s a, a quality of sufficient tone. Let me see. Let me give you an example. So if you take your arm and you just let, if it’s comfortable for you to do this, and you just kind of let your, your wrist dangle, right? That’s, that’s calming your wrist, right?

[00:07:49] It’s sort of like, uh, but if I tried to, to type on my computer with it, that calm, um, that would be, I could, it would be weird. Um, slow, not, it wouldn’t feel right. Um, if I take the tone out of my shoulder flop, now I’m off camera. If I take the, the, if I relax and calm myself so much that I can’t hold myself in the chair, well then, you know, uhoh.

[00:08:33] So that’s why CALM is combined with confident. It’s a way of saying there’s an energy which is quieting. When we think of calm, we think about like where is there an energy in your body that feels maybe a little buzzy, a little tense?

[00:08:58] And if you let that unwind and let gravity work, and imagine that that energy is able to move down your body, you might feel yourself a little heavier in the chair or in the bed or standing on your feet. And as that energy moves down,

[00:09:28] It can find whatever part of that energy wants to go to ground, to the earth, it can find its way there Most of the time. As energetic beings, we also have part of that energy that wants to just like move through and then up. And just like if you, if you don’t, if you have your wrist and it doesn’t have enough oomph to it, um, if you have like a fist, it’s hard to type with a fist.

[00:10:01] It’s hard to type. If I keep my fingers rigid, there’s a place where there’s sufficient tone to even like be graceful. And if I let that movement extend back into my shoulders, this is a movement of. Home my hands. I’m letting them soften. I’m even imagining the softness going up my arms. Okay, imagine your hands being softer and yet there’s enough energy moving through that you can move them as you feel that you might get some tingles, you might get some like, Ooh, there’s energy moving in me.

[00:10:50] And again, the larger part of calm confidence is again that feeling that the energy that wants to move down can move down and the energy that wants to rise and find this right, this right tongue can do. So

[00:11:13] as I looked at the situations that we all shared in the, the questions, um, They, they fall into a number of different categories. Um, and we’re gonna get to some of the things specifically here during our time together.

[00:11:34] One of those is a situation where there’s actually some kind of threat. It could be a physical threat, it could be emotional threat, it could be something that your particular system, um, is likely to get overwhelmed or overloaded or over flooded even if somebody else’s doesn’t. There’s also situations where you were, were aware that, you know, this falls into my trauma zone.

[00:12:13] Okay? The trauma zone are those things which look, smell, taste, and sound. A lot like the, the stuff we grew up with, the stuff we endured, the stuff that we’ve done healing work around, and we’re aware of it and we still want to respond more calmly and more confidently. Um, that’s a lot of the focus of our work, um, in the circle and in these workshops often is around this trauma zone, but how we stay calm and confident or be calm and confident, um, in that zone is, is a bit different.

[00:13:00] And the, and then there’s more the, the daily life stuff where, um, You want to grow, you want to do something, and you know that your primitive brain is, is more impactful on you than, uh, is needed. Um, it’s creating noise. It’s stopping you. Um, it’s taking away your clarity at key times as you’re growing and doing things.

[00:13:32] Um, and you kind of, you have a logical idea of, of what is happening to you. Um, and you want to take it to the next level. You want to be able to use that energy.

[00:13:54] And I’m drawn before we jump into the questions, um, another thing is that being calm and confident for me has different component pieces. So, I have a nervous system

[00:14:16] I can tune into right now. If you tune into your nervous system, if we call five the place where you could be alert enough to be in a workshop and to get something out of it and to integrate and to do that, and it’s a level of, of nervous system. Our brain is a set of nerves of our body, our whole being is innovated, innovative en innovated.

[00:14:49] Our energy system has this electrical component, which also creates magnetism as we know. Um, so if five would be like a, a good place to be, how how’s your, how’s your nervous system? Is it up above that? Is it like I’m a little sluggish? You know, my nervous system really isn’t online. This kind of awareness of my nervous system says, okay, am my, am I doing more calming?

[00:15:27] Like my now mind’s about a six. So calming is what I would do. I tick a breath, I let it out. I let gravity work. Five, five. Now as I calm, okay, and now I want to yawn and they take a nap, eh? This is where, okay. This workshop matters to me. You all matter to me. I really deeply appreciate you being here on a a, a day when you could be doing other things.

[00:16:07] And so what I do, I bring up my energy. It isn’t a static thing. Just like when we’re driving in a lane, you’re driving a little bit to the right, a little bit to the left, a little bit to the right, a little bit to the left, a little too fast, a little too slow, calm and confident is this place where you can, you can bring yourself deeper into your body.

[00:16:35] You can rise into it. Now I’m sharing all of this because this is just, this concept of being calm and confident, I thought was something completely different. And so my nervous system is one of these components. Then there’s my adrenal, my endocrine system. I’ve got all these places in my body, including between my legs that are contributing to what’s the soup?

[00:17:03] My nervous system contributes to that. It’s like, beep me some more juice. Ah, like it’ll, it affects my biochemistry. Now imagine for if you wanna play along, how’s your blood doing? Is it feeling a good balance of alive and present, or is there kind of a, a, a buzz to it? Does it feel a little sluggish? And maybe you want to rub your heart a bit to confidence up your blood?

[00:17:39] It was like, Hey, this, this work matters to me.

[00:17:46] All of our work around be what matters is around confidence and, and calming so that you can be in a state that matters to you. Calming, confident matters to me, so I can, I can do that now. Um, I shared before the workshop that, uh, my, my two and a half year old daughter prepared me for this workshop by projecting her emotional torment very loudly.

[00:18:19] Um, according to my watch, 117 decibels pretty loud. Um, she wasn’t in a place for co-regulating. It was more like, ah, but just really like, she feels things very deeply, eh, wonder who she got that from. Um, So my, as I feel into the soup of me, my soup has echoes of that. Even though being here with you all, my nervous system feels pretty good, the soup of me is feeling like I’m still processing.

[00:19:02] Does that make sense to people? Do you ever like, oh, I’m like, I know I’ve calmed it down a lot, but there’s something I’m still like shaky or, um, like cold or all the things that our endocrine system can do. Um, I know for example, and I’ve communicated this to other people in my house, I do not like to be startled.

[00:19:34] Um, if you jump out at me and say, boo, I. I might do significant damage. My nervous system goes immediately into a kind of fight, like if it was a bear or a leopard or something. Now, even if I, oh, this is a boy, okay, I can stop myself, but that surge of chemistry is going to last in me 45 minutes to an hour.

[00:20:02] Now some people process it faster. If I go for a walk, it’ll process out faster. Um, so if you’re the type of person whose soup gets changed, noticed that we can, we can do things with our nervous system more quickly because it’s electrical, um, many times than our soup. Um, and it’s the same kind of thing.

[00:20:33] So, But I find that for the soup of me, um, that things like taking my hands, my fingers are cold. That’s one of my indicators that my soup is off. Ah, so like some, a little bit of shaking, um, can really help my system. Um, you’ll notice I start tapping on my collarbone points. That’s both the wiring of me and the soup of me.

[00:21:11] So like when I do this and you can’t see, but I’ve got my hand over my spleen on the left side. I might put it over my liver.

[00:21:25] I might send some love and comfort to my adrenal glands.

[00:21:32] Adrenals are part of your kidneys. They’re a big breath, can help with that.

[00:21:48] And then come back to, hey, calming and conferencing, conferencing, calming. And then you get to a place where you can start feeling your body being more responsive.

[00:22:11] Someone said, I, I really wanna make sure we do a lot of tapping during this workshop. Um, I agree. And if we don’t have the foundation of what being calm and confident feels like then. Tapping because it’s auditory, it’s verbal. We’re speaking and we’re giving like thoughts. Like I choose to be calm and confident no matter what.

[00:22:37] Uh, what does that mean? And this is the practice of letting your body know. So some people get it in the gut and it takes a while to unwind. So if, if my gut gets the energy that’s not calm and confident, heart, gut, and down, if I start noticing that I’m sinking below, like getting too flacid, it’s actually helpful to be able to lift yourself.

[00:23:14] Just like, okay, I’m calming and I wanna lift myself at the same time. This practice of lifting and calming. Is, is a kinesthetic art. It’s something that you learn to feel in your body. Um, the first classes I took, I was going through the motions, but somehow my body was figuring out, oh, you wanna remember, like we have intelligence.

[00:23:47] You wanna remember how much power we have to, to calm yourself and to strengthen yourself. Wow. Yeah. You wanna be out of your primitive brain. Oh, that’s great. Another thing that you can do, um, this area at the back of the head, neck and I, I cut my hair so that you guys could see better. Um, at the base of the skull, if you take your fingers, so your palm is on one side and your fingers are on the other, and you treat it like a part of you that just.

[00:24:25] Wants a little squeeze. It’s like, ah.

[00:24:37] And see if you can notice a place of stillness,

[00:24:44] more stillness than what you had,

[00:25:04] and then come back to that intention to be calm and confident. Calm, confident, finding the, the zone that feels right to you.

[00:25:31] So in the chat, I’m noticing that people have been riffing off of my, you know, when someone startles us to be funny. Um, that, um, I will never find that funny because it lands in the part of me. I, I like that I’m a protector. I like that I would jump to protect those that I love from a sudden attack. Uh, that’s not something that, um, I have a problem with.

[00:26:05] I don’t think it’s funny. Um, and you know, I, I even notice the dysregulation that happens, um, when my daughter startled. I was like, there’s a, there’s a this that happens. I know that she’s being flooded. I know her nervous system is being pushed into the red zone for a second or two. She might recover quickly or more quickly.

[00:26:31] Um, and this is the way I’ve tapped on that is something like, yeah, I’m not okay with that. And it’s, I’m very clear I’m not okay with that.

[00:26:47] And sometimes it happens

[00:26:53] and I’m open to restoring my calm and confidence, oh, even surprisingly quickly, like 20 minutes instead of 45, like five minutes instead of 20. Oh, and it’s okay for me to react that way.

[00:27:22] It’s innate in my animal nature.

[00:27:30] I do have an animal nature,

[00:27:36] um,

[00:27:42] and I want to spend more time in the calm confidence side.

[00:27:50] And that was my intention was to, to start shifting the balance. Some of you, uh, were really on really honest. Um, your kind of set point for calling confidence right now is about a two. We had a couple eights. Um, I generally put myself at about an eight. That’s mostly in comparison to old Rick, but like it feels reasonably true most, most of the time.

[00:28:15] Um, The gap there can be pretty intense with, you know, auditory flooding and things like that. Um, as a group, the people that said we’re a, we’re an average and a median of six. Um, so we’ve done a lot of work, um, as I’ve come to know people, and I’m the type of person that someone after a little bit of conversation might share quite a bit of their level of worry and anxiety and things.

[00:28:48] Even people that look and behave in the world, in place, in ways that are calm and confident. I know that tapping has made a huge difference to me. Um, I, there’s no way that I could say that I’m an eight ever. It, the way that I, I was wired as a child and treated as a child, and so it was exciting to me to do this work.

[00:29:12] Um, and so we. First question that I’m gonna start with is, how can I reignite my zest for life and potential? And how does that fit into being calm and confident? Well, if being calm and confident is the place where you go, where your perimeter brain goes, okay, yeah, we can be okay. Your nervous system comes down to a, a good place for where what you’re doing and where you are.

[00:29:44] Your biochemistry is like, oh, okay, we can start adding some, some, okay. Chemicals. Like that’s the, we’re okay. They’re, they’re actual chemicals. I don’t know the name of them, but they’re the, we’re okay chemicals. It’s not the joy, delight, great sex kind of chemicals. They’re the ah, we’re okay. Um, and when we do that, there’s a.

[00:30:09] If we’re paying attention, there actually is a sense in the body of like, the soup of us is changing. The nerves of us are changing. We can actually feel softer in our hands all the way to our heart, but we’re about thriving and, and someone, I love the way they put it. I, I want more zest for life. If I’m in my primitive brain.

[00:30:35] The idea of zest is as is utterly foreign. My primitive brain does not understand that if it is driving this show zest for life in the kind of juicy way, it doesn’t understand. And so this practice of coming a little bit calmer, a little bit more confident, then you blend it. And this is really cool. You blend it with something like the, what we did with be what matters.

[00:31:03] So mine was eager, so I could. Be calmer and confident, more confident, and then add some eagerness to it. That doesn’t mean I’m gonna go up to a, like my nervous system’s gonna go up to what you might imagine an eager beaver being. It’s just, it starts blending in some of that, like a spice in a soup or an ingredient in the soup says, ah, he wants a little more eager.

[00:31:32] There’s a whole chain of things that intelligently happen in our body if we’re out of our primitive brain and say, huh, I, I’m curious. And you allow that curiosity to permeate your soup will change in your nervous system, will change your, your posture will change too. Like curiosity and eagerness like, like curiosity for me is almost like a step back and a look like, Hmm.

[00:31:59] What is curiosity for you? You could just adapt the posture of like, whoa, what’s curious? When you’re feeling curious, what does that, how does that change your body?

[00:32:14] Hmm. I’m curious. I can experiment and, Hmm, notice that, that’s the posture. Now, if I have a zest for life, I just, I just, as soon as I added a little bit of zest, um, I sit up and I move forward.

[00:32:36] If I’m working with someone and their energy isn’t calm and confident, even if we move it just a, a little bit more toward calm and confident, then we can add in these spices, these emotional spices and things that they want to me, peaceful like zen, peaceful, accepting, accepting, calm, and confident. So for the answer, like how, how do you start expressing yourself more with that kind of zest that maybe you felt at one time in your life or stayed dormant until now?

[00:33:12] Um, do the, the physiological, calm and confident and then decide what matters to you that you like to blend in. I’ve been playing around with savvy, calm, and confident. Someone asked about, um,

[00:33:33] well navigating experiences where you don’t, you don’t know what’s going on. Um, oh, which is number two. How can I maintain calm confidence when I don’t understand the situation? Um, at least a minimum of calm confidence when, when face of not understanding what’s happening or what’s needed in a situation.

[00:34:04] The, the how there is, is the practice first of recognizing, am I in my primitive brain? Is it my primitive brain that’s trying to fix this because I have a need that’s unmapped and it feels important. Ah, I have, um, there’s something that doesn’t feel good about this. It feels painful if I’m looking at it through the lens of my primitive brain.

[00:34:29] Um, everything that you get back is gonna be primitive brain ish. I need to fix it. I need to figure it out. I need to, I need to. I need to. You’re gonna hear that. I need to. I should. I can’t. I, I, I have to. Um, those are signals. Like if there was a dashboard of I have to, I need to, I, I can’t, I, I don’t know. I, I have to figure it out.

[00:34:56] Uh, why, why, why? You know, like that one that flashes, um, those are signals that you’re, they’re at least signals for me that I’m in my primitive brain. My, my first, how is I Pause. We, we, there’s the whole workshop we did on taking a powerful pause, if I can, holding my tongue is a pause. It may not feel like a powerful pause, but just holding my tongue and saying, what, what’s going on here inside of me, getting into my body, bringing some of my energy down, putting my hand on my heart.

[00:35:37] Um, I’ve been doing that when doesn’t seem like there’s anything I can do to help Aira feel better. What do I do if I put my hand on my heart? And maybe one on my lower belly. Oh.

[00:35:59] And just by doing something physical and then breathing, there’s, there’s a little tiny gap. It might be milliseconds inside of our brain, but in that possibility, the more we strengthen being calm and confident as a desired state, a useful state, one that we want to be competent at, it feels good, feels better, uh, the more that we’re able to direct our energy toward that.

[00:36:34] And from that place,

[00:36:39] there’s, you’re going to feel the more of the minimum level of calm confidence to see the broader situation. Another clue. Is it, am I looking at it narrowly? You know, does my field of vision, um, narrow? So even just turning and looking someplace else, slowly, like moving your posture, they said, you know, what’s needed in this situation.

[00:37:12] If I’m leaning in and being very focused, I’m only gonna get an answer from my primitive brain. And my primitive brain has terrible parenting suggestions. Oh my heaven,

[00:37:28] it’s a terrible father.

[00:37:33] Which, you know, helps me filter them out, um, makes it imperative that I get into the rest of me, which has a little bit more savvy. Um, so I am not saying that that is easy. There’s, in, in what you all shared, there’s, there’s a range where, um, if I’m flooded or any human is flooded, if any human is triggered and really taken over, um, it’s a bit like the horses spooking and they’re pulling the carriage.

[00:38:11] So you are along for the ride. At that point you have eight horses and they’re running full, scared out if you’re. Savvy about that. You know, that screaming at the horses or feeling like it’s all your fault is probably not going to get you back. But saying, okay, what can I, I, I need to have a level of, of grip.

[00:38:39] Okay? And that’s not, ah, it’s a level of grip and strength. I build up my, my grip strength and I want to have my seat. I wanna feel like I’m in my seat. These are physical tricks. They’re beyond tricks. These are the things when you notice someone who is like really stabby with horses and the horse spooks, what do they do?

[00:39:05] You’ll notice that they come into their seat. They literally are bringing their energy down. The horse can feel that. Our children can feel that. Our friends can feel that when we get our seat. It’s a, it’s a literal dropping in. It’s not a gripping like this, it’s a drop. That’s the calming part and the confidence part is, okay, I can do this.

[00:39:34] I can be with this. I don’t have a choice and I can be with this. There’s a little bit of the tone that comes up. Um,

[00:39:47] number three, how can I avoid jumping to conclusions and trying to fix prolonged tough situations? Um

[00:40:10] hmm.

[00:40:20] So there’s, there’s a range of things where, um, there are people that are really competent at coming up with solutions and they’re really, there are people that are very decisive about figuring out things and jumping. You know, one way is to say, jump to a conclusion. And another way is to propose a hypothesis and try something.

[00:40:44] Um,

[00:40:50] the difference in execution between if I, if I am calm and confident, meaning I’m not in my primitive brain and I’m looking at a situation, especially a prolonged one, the difference will feel like, and the clue for being calm and confident is, do I see at least five possibilities?

[00:41:15] If it’s, I gotta try this, maybe this’ll work. No, that didn’t work. Maybe this will work. Maybe. Do you, do you feel like there’s, there’s clues that say, oh, well if I just, maybe if I, that kind of energy, uh, for people that are competent, it can be a desire for your primitive brain to activate your problem solving, your ability to make things happen, your, your desire to see people.

[00:41:46] Um, it can activate all kinds of, I’m gonna call it chaotic energy because when it comes to relationships and you have a profound situation, that’s where deepening in the calm confidence and, and sacredly considering.

[00:42:09] And the, the five things for me is one that, um,

[00:42:20] it’s uncomfortable when I’m just at the edge. So it might be I came up with something sacred and I want to, I want to go make it happen. So I come up with an idea that feels like a yes, and then my primitive brain kicks in and says, good, we gotta get rid of this pain. Right? Like, um, oh, maybe she wants to do some drawing.

[00:42:47] And if I’m, if I don’t stay in my calm confidence and have some other options available, then there’s a dynamic that happens in the relationship. This is a, this is a dynamic that, um, I hear a lot of people complain about a partner trying to fix them, and they just hit them with one thing and another thing and another thing and another thing, and they’re, they’re trying to resolve the situation or the pain.

[00:43:19] Um, my brain can do that too. But if I, if I give myself a notion that what does it mean to be calm and confident and creative, so creative, calm, and confident, it would be, okay, what matters to me here? Well, this person matters to me. How much are they suffering? It’s about a seven, eight, sometimes a nine.

[00:43:52] What are some choices that fit my values that might, might work here? Well, I could sit down, just sit on the ground and just be present. I could offer some food or water. I could nod and acknowledge the pain. Um, even two year olds understand that.

[00:44:18] Now, right there, between that and the next, there was an urgency that kicks in very common. And that’s the part of the practice of being calm and confident No matter what is, when the urgency starts hitting, um, to ground again

[00:44:44] and go outside, change state can offer physical connection. So now I have five. And if I’m not ca in a calm and confident state, those go away. And my perimeter brain comes up with all of my terrible parenting ideas.

[00:45:07] And so if you have something in your life where if you’re more calm, you feel wiser, and like, um, I have some of those in, in various times, I’ve written them down and put 'em up on the refrigerator or something, because that can be a gift to your future self, that your wise self, who is more calm and confident offers things to your future self.

[00:45:44] We’ll take a break here after the next one.

[00:45:53] How can I maintain calm confidence when my decisions clash with another interests? So I don’t know about you, but when I, when I say or perceive that there’s a clash, um, like already my face is, I can feel the nervous system coming up. I could feel my endocrine system, oh, there’s a clash here. Somebody I care about is in the middle of a clash.

[00:46:21] Now it’s not that high. Maybe it’s a two or three, but it’s coming up. If you want to develop this as a real skill noticing when it starts rising in you before it’s a nine, um, that’s where I’ve gotten the best change from me, is I start tapping. Right away, like clash. Oh, there’s a clash. Ah, what does that mean?

[00:46:53] Um, which goes to a, you know, like, what does this mean? What does this mean? That’s a primitive bring question. Well, it means it’s time for me to go into my, my calm confidence again. Okay? So someone we care about’s having a clash between their, what’s right for them and what someone else is. Oh boy. Ah, so letting yourself calm and confidence dropping in.

[00:47:38] First thing that comes to me is that if I perceive it as a clash, that tells my primitive brain to wake up. I may experience it as a clash, cuz maybe I pick it up from someone else. But the first thing would be to recognize that, um, the strategies here are different to get our needs met.

[00:48:04] Okay? And that if I calm in confidence myself, even just a bit, if I take a break, that that would be useful. It fits my values.

[00:48:28] In the description it says, your calm confidence gets shattered when someone else who is selfish and manipulating tells you that you are hurting the person you love with your decision.

[00:48:45] So, To be calm and confident in that kind of dynamic, um, is, it’s not as hard as staying wet when you’re swimming in the o I mean, staying dry when you’re swimming in the ocean, but it probably comes a little close. So I believe that I’ve developed much more savvy with staying calm and confident with kind of narcissistic abuse or people that are critical in other things.

[00:49:22] One, it may just hit me. It’s like, and what comes out of my mouth cuz I practice it, is ouch. So if someone says something like that and I say Ouch, I’m acknowledging to myself that hurt.

[00:49:42] I practice. And this is the thing about tapping. You can go through exactly what they said, write out the story. So, and then he said, well, you’re the one who’s who, who is selfish and you’re the one who’s hurting her. Okay, ouch. I need a moment. And you can go through that scene and clear the, the biggest charge out of it.

[00:50:15] But notice what I’m also adding in there. There are pathways that we can, you know, there are lots of forests around here. I walk on a path that people tend to, and in my own energy, there are pathways that I blazed. Sometimes at great time and expense and, and tears. So like, ouch is a way of me saying, I’m gonna pause.

[00:50:46] I’m hurting. That’s part of the trail. That’s the ouch trail. I need a moment. That’s the next little milestone on that trail. Taking a moment is like, oh, okay. Ouch. Ouch. I need a moment.

[00:51:12] Yeah. I need to, I need to take a break for a moment and recollect myself. I’m not trying to address, argue, defend, or clash. I, I’m, I may not get to the ouch until things escalate, but that’s a pathway. And so in a lot of these things that you all have, Tap on the, the jolt, the other thing. And then what is the path?

[00:51:41] The emo, the energetic pathway for your nervous system, your psyche, your words, your posture, um, to, to get you so that you have some space energetically to recalibrate yourself or to get your needs met. Um,

[00:52:08] and I, so that’s the case where, um, for example, and then we’ll take our seven minute break. Um, I’m an energetically sensitive person, like off the charge. I’m probably three standard deviations away from norm. I just, um, um, I love it. And it means that the person who is going to lose their job, or who hates their life, who tailgates me, I am going to be feeling a very intense energy right on my ass.

[00:52:57] Um, before I knew anything about being calm and confident, I used to try to get into a battle. I try to, um, flee or tap the brakes or give 'em the finger or something like that. That didn’t actually work out very well. Um, I could tell stories. So what I did one day, because I drive and people do get right on your, your bumper is, I like, I hate this.

[00:53:29] I hate, it just feels so threatening. It feels so threatening. It feels so threatening. And you know, I’m in a big car. I’m in a car, okay? And, um, I’m gonna take a breath and what do I want to do with this energy? I’m aware of it. Ah, I hate it. See, it comes back like, I hate it. I want them to go away. I want a bazooka in my trunk, can blow them out of the wa like there’s, there’s violence in my reaction.

[00:54:01] Um, when I first did this, you would be surprised at how much level of, um, energy I had about this. Right now it, I’m, I’m having to boost it up just to show you. Um, I still hate it, but my, my trail is I put on my blinkers, it’s a two-lane road. I put on my flashers to communicate, oh, there’s something wrong here.

[00:54:34] I make sure that I’m, I’m ideally going the speed limit. Um, and I’m ready to let them zoom around me. I’m ready to find a safe place to pull off, and I am grounding myself the best that I can. I know that it will take some recovery afterwards because that’s such an intense, um, it’s like, it’s different than a sudden burst of surprise, but it is intense for me to be tailgated by someone, um, who has that kind of intense energy.

[00:55:12] Um, But that’s the path. And how do I blaze that path? I use my memory, I use the uncomfortableness combined with tapping. Like, I hate it. I hate it. I wish he wasn’t there. I wish that they would go away. Um, and I want to be safe. I wanna respect the safety of myself and my passengers. I’m going to make sure I am in control, that I signal that I’m going to be getting out of the way as soon as possible.

[00:55:43] Blinkers, I’ll slow down if there’s a safe place for them to go around. Um, I’ll do what I can. And if I need to, like, if it’s on the highway and there’s, you know, whatever, I might get off at the next exit and walk around a bit because my soup will still be shaky. I don’t want to drive if I’m, if I’m not safe enough.

[00:56:08] That’s part of being calm and confident in that place. So, um, I’ll segue just in one minute. Um, someone shared about being in a, in a car when someone else was driving and they do something that’s unsafe. That’s hard on me too. And so the path I have is, okay, um, would you be willing to, and those are the words that I practiced over and over.

[00:56:41] Oh, would you, would you be willing to slow down? My nervous system can’t handle this. I own it. Why? Cuz if I tell the person that they’re driving recklessly or too fast, now they’re defensive at someone who’s in the car while they’re behaving like unsafe for my nervous system. This is part of the savvy calm confidence.

[00:57:10] If my primitive brain knows that I’ve practiced this, hey, would you be willing to, no, I’m driving just fine. Great. Would you get off at the next exit and let me out?

[00:57:26] I have different things that I’ve practiced for this. Um, and that goes for, for, um, I have certain pathways that I needed to blaze at, like ecstatic dance or contact improv where like someone was giving me way too much weight and it, it was part of my trauma response to just let that happen. Um, so what I did is I remembered the time and I remembered the time, and I tapped out loud and I practiced so that the, the trail was blazed.

[00:58:01] And interestingly enough, The next time that it happened, I said, ouch. Too much. It’s a non-verbal space. You don’t talk, but words of safety are allowed. And I was so proud of myself that I was calm, calm and confident enough in that moment that the trail was blazed for where the energy was gonna go to help restore safety.

[00:58:30] So, ah, as you tune in over the next seven minutes, we’re gonna take a little break, come back. Um, I’m aware that I’m not doing a lot of tapping, but we have circle calls if you’re not a circle member. Um, we offer gliding scale and things like that if you need to one time payment, $98 right now. Um, so I’m gonna go ahead and pause our recording.

[00:58:59] Welcome back. Um, I’m cognizant of the time of the delicious questions that you all shared. I do invite you if you’re not a circle member yet. All of these aspects are things that we can come together and work together as a, as a community, as a circle. Um, I want to live in a world where, um, parenting, friendships, and work that matters doesn’t come from the primitive brain.

[00:59:36] Uh, I’ve noticed a difference in myself. I’ve noticed the difference in others and even the, the vibrational change when anyone in a relationship or business is actively aware that they, they can. Calm themselves a bit and confidence themselves a bit. It changes the ecosystem. It’s rainy and cloudy. Today, a single shaft of sun coming through the clouds would change it.

[01:00:11] It would be almost angelic. And so I know the extraordinary power with that this work can bring for me as a human, it has been transformative in the relationships I have and that I’m capable of. It’s, it’s an essential quality. Um, I believe that, uh, it changes our culture. It changes what we think is wise and, uh, where we put our energy.

[01:00:56] Someone, uh, shared. Uh, so a question was how can I restore calm amidst economic collapse?

[01:01:09] When I saw that, I was like, I don’t want to address that. Um, that’s my own, like avoidance, but I’ll say this. Uh, I am deeply unavoidably aware of energies that are happening all over our planet. Um, I can and do tune into things that are happening on different continents than the one I’m on. And there’s also a, I believe, a divine guidance.

[01:01:38] This is the way it feels to me when I am putting my energy where, It’s not my business, it’s not something that my, my focus, my presence is helpful. I will start to lose my calm confidence and the, and the practice, the skill is coming back into, well, what matters to me. So what does economic mean? I love being in a relationship with my customers, my, my clients, my circle where there’s, uh, an exchange of energy.

[01:02:18] And right now we use, um, we use credit slips, you know, electronically. If we lived close, maybe you’d make me a chicken dinner and I’d make, you know, we’d, we’d. Come up with other ways of exchanging. So like I, I know that good humans exchange resource and support with one another generously. Um, that’s part of my nature.

[01:02:46] I know it’s not everyone’s nature, um, but I’m not alone on the planet. I have people in my world. So you see like, oh yeah, okay, I, I like this. I know that there are, there are systems that are changing. Used to be that the fax machine was crucial for business. If you didn’t have a fax machine, you were not in business.

[01:03:11] And I can, I can imagine a world where what we call money has changed in its complexion and fla flavor quite dramatically. It may be three generations from now, but I like that matters to me to be continuing to build systems amidst my community. Ah, So as you, you might be able to even feel that as I’m talking to myself and sharing this with people that are part of my, my circle, I feel more calm and confident.

[01:03:52] Now if I think of dynamics like debt, ceiling and blah, you know, lack of stewardship, short-term thinking. Well, now I’m starting to get activated. I’m grateful that I have a spiritual practice, which says, you know, my spirit buddy says, you know, that’s not your job. That’s not, that’s not what you’re here for.

[01:04:12] You’re not a congress critter. You know? Um, it, it is something that you could be savvy, calm, and confident about in your own world with the people that you’re connected to. And that’s how. I restore my calm confidence. I look at then, well, if I know these things are happening in the world, what are five adaptations that I might just hold space for as possibilities?

[01:04:46] Um, freedom is important to me, so I, I craft some things financially to allow more freedom. There are other things that are involved as well. Um, How do I, the next one is how do I remain calm and confident when overwhelmed by anxiety? If I’m overwhelmed by anxiety, I’m, I miss the turn. Okay? If you’re driving down the road and you miss the exit and the next one is in a 25 minutes, um, if I’m overwhelmed by anxiety, my soup is going to have to come down.

[01:05:21] My physiology, my muscles and things are gonna have to unwind. I’m going to have to quiet my psyche, um, get out of my primitive brain. That’s my job as driver of this body, um, rider of this body. I like that someone said, you know, being the rider of a horse, I’ve been blessed to ride horses and I know that my energy matters.

[01:05:45] Um, it doesn’t solve if they get spooked, but it creates a kind of a connection. So if my observer and I are aware of. Like, oh, I noticed when I was doing this work, when I first started tapping, I tapped for six months on calm and confident. Anyway, that was my, it wasn’t I deeply and completely accept myself.

[01:06:10] That was part of it, but I put most of my energy toward, and I’ve decided to be calm and confident anyway. Um, that didn’t work if I was anxious at a 7, 8, 9, 10. But I started noticing that if I did it when it was a 1, 2, 3, 4, if I hit it by the time it was a four, um, it would start quieting down. And guess what?

[01:06:36] The number of 7, 8, 9 tens started reducing. I could just feel it. I knew in my body I was getting, um, wired, uh, was my term for it. I was getting wired up, um, much less. And that is still true. Um, if I can notice that my triggers, um, are whispering or they’re building up, you can actually catch a four on its rise, even if it’s like rising over five seconds.

[01:07:13] Um, the shock a sudden it, your perimeter brain took first crack at that and flooded your system. Then it’s about restoring your calm confidence. But the practice of a skill of catching, okay, I start getting anxious about this. Where is it? It’s a four time to catch it. That’s the time to pause. That’s the time to tap.

[01:07:36] I, that’s why you, people who know me are like, you’re, you tap your collarbone like right away. I’m like, yeah, it’s a four heading toward. In infinity. I’m gonna stop this before the rocket launches. Um, and you know, when I do that, that’s great. Um, if I, I don’t know, I, I know humans that can drop in really fast.

[01:08:07] Meditation helps with that cuz there’s a drop in. You practice meditating by dropping in quickly. Um, riding used to do that. You drop in. Um, when I show up for a workshop, I drop in. I practice just dropping in and raising my, you know, that calm confidence. Where do I want to be? If you practice that a lot, your restoration will be faster.

[01:08:31] Um, that said, if I was up for three hours in the middle of the night with a, with a screaming child or a pain in my shoulder or something like that, I’m not gonna be as resourced. In those cases, um, the preparation matters. So if I know that I’m gonna go into a situation where I’m gonna be anxious, I will want my calm to be like at a, okay, so I’m gonna really come down, I’m going to go to a calmer place.

[01:09:06] Um, if I’m just went for a walk, I feel good. I feel alive, I feel whatever. There’s a certain, um, higher vibe if I’m transitioning into the home, um, where, where there may be other things, I’ll quiet myself down. I just unwind my tone so that I’m walking in more like I’m curra. I don’t know where people are.

[01:09:31] Uh, there’s happiness, there’s pleasure, there’s da, da, da, da, da, da. There’s not, you know, I’m giving myself more room to be responsive without going up into that realm. Um,

[01:09:50] how can I appear confident when I’m actually frozen? Very interesting question. Um, I bet that most people, most humans looking at you when you’re frozen, um, probably think you’re pretty calm. Breeze is, is um, is designed to do that. Um, I,

[01:10:17] the, the scenario around this, um, this goes to that, well, what comes in through my trauma channels. So if, if something comes in through your trauma channels like volunteering, You’re about to, to put yourself forward. And in your trauma channel, there was a tremendous amount of, of ridicule about you’re gonna fail and all these other things.

[01:10:47] You know, that accepting and putting yourself out there is gonna come in through your trauma channel. And if it still hits that freeze response, um, you’re not gonna feel calm and confident in that. But here’s what we know about freeze, um, energy psychology and other things have shown that if we freeze around something and then we give it really sacred attention, that we can build multiple pathways off of that and actually end up being more resilient than your average person.

[01:11:28] In my own experience, the freeze becomes a, a pause. It’s not the flood freeze where I literally am dissociated and I don’t know what to do. And, and anyone could have their way with me or I can’t speak, um, there’s an intensity to freeze, but I can still get something that feels like, oh, I’m frozen. And what it feels like is there’s no, like my breath will stop.

[01:12:03] See if I can induce one. Yeah. Like there’s, there’s a, a real stop. But what I know is that in that stop, I can, I can ground myself like, okay, like I go immediately the path I’ve got. You can’t see it, but my hands go to my thighs and I, I, I start just squeezing my thighs a little bit, my knees. Okay. And then like, what is the question that you want?

[01:12:42] What would make this a yes for me, what makes this a yes for me is one that I use. So if, if something’s coming in, it doesn’t feel like a yes, but it may be because it’s in the trauma channel. It’s like, I don’t know, there’s too much noise. Once I pause and ground myself, then I can say, well, is there anything that’s a yes here for me?

[01:13:07] What, what would be a yes for me? Notice how there’s a kind of confidence, I think, that you are being and know what’s a yes for you. Ah,

[01:13:27] what is my, yes, what could be, what would be a yes for me, not a fantasy, yes, but an actual like, yes. See, I feel this energy just with a question, it feels like a savvy question.

[01:13:48] And that’s another thing that, that, you know, in this work, we, we can see it in other people learning to see it in ourselves. Like what, when I’m not calm and confident, what really not savvy questions am I asking myself? What did I do wrong? Okay. It’s just not a, it’s not a particularly savvy question.

[01:14:12] How can I clean this up if it’s a mess? What matters to me here? What really matters to me here?

[01:14:23] Like those to me, activate a different energy F field. Um, this, this is the skill part of it for me is that those savvy questions, I I, if I find myself in situations, um,

[01:14:44] so intense noise. My first unsavvy question is, how do I get away from this? It’s a, what is that? That’s a flight response. Like, it’s too noisy. I need to get away. Um, yeah. So, uh, what is my body needing right now That feels very different because I can go and get earplugs and reduce the 117 decibels down to 85, right?

[01:15:13] I’m still hearing it. I’m still feeling it, but I’ve quieted the noise down a little bit. What is my body needing right now? I just need to sit down on the ground. Um, so. Um, frozen. If it’s coming in through your, your trauma channels that you know, and you’ve like, know where that is, look at where the pathways are.

[01:15:37] Give yourself space. I give myself, if it’s a big deal, um, and I’m really stopped on, I’ll give myself two or three days of tending to it for 20 minutes. Or, you know, getting clear, writing out why does this matter to me? What, what makes this uncomfortable? Um, that type of thing.

[01:16:04] How can I prevent the stress response from overpowering me? Um, this practice at the 2 34 is like starting with, um, rehab weights. It, it’s not, It’s not gonna make you feel like you’re all powerful. I can be with the stress response no matter what. Um, I don’t have that expectation anymore than the weights I lift.

[01:16:35] I, I hope to be able to, you know, have my daughter, I’m try, I’m working on my strength. I imagine my daughter being eight or nine, and we’re doing some acrobatics type things, you know, like her being able to be up on my shoulders, which, um, you know, is gonna require some greater strength. I’m starting with just body weight movement.

[01:16:58] It doesn’t make me feel like I’m that particularly close, but what I can, what every expert says is, if you want to build up your strength, do it in micro steps. Most people go too fast. Too hard injure themselves and then they’re back even below where they were before. Emotionally it’s the same thing. Um, some people just have really powerful stress responses.

[01:17:26] Um, I did like, I would get massive headaches six months at a time, kind of like, whoa. Um, chronic diseases and other things. Um, the taking of like, what is the, the two pound weight, you know, the one pound weight that I can do that strengthens it. Um, that’s, that’s my approach. And the strengthening it is can I calm and confidence myself?

[01:17:59] Um, and I put them together. Just to re reiterate, the reason they’re together is that like, If my shoulders are really tight, I want to get rid of the tightness. If I’m really stressed, I want to get rid of the stress. But that’s unidirectional and energy mostly wants to circulate in us. And so that’s why I put these together, that there’s a calming, you know, like calming.

[01:18:32] And then there’s a confidence thing that has movement to it. Someone wrote, you know, that they can sit in, um, a certain energy state. I think it was angry or hateful, um, for hours. Absolutely. Uh, notice the word there. Sit. Um, most studies have shown that if you put on angry, hateful music and dance for a song or two, you are going to change your state.

[01:19:06] It may not be that you’re not angry and hateful, but you’re going to feel more like the energy is moving in you and is going to find where it intelligently wants to move. Um, the same thing goes for like where the calm has gone all the way down to depression hasn’t been caught. Uh, anything that we do to move is part of building the confident.

[01:19:33] Confidence is an energy of rising into, uh, sometimes it just starts with a little finger. Um, how can I feel calm and confident regardless of circumstance. Um, the wise sages, uh, would say, come back to the now. Um, I’m alive, I’m breathing,

[01:20:01] I’m breathing. And I am alive right here, right now.

[01:20:12] Um, that essential quality is a calming. Um, and then I do a lot of tapping. Even though I don’t want to accept this circumstance. It is what it is. I hate that. And I’ve decided and notice that there’s a confidence.

[01:20:37] I put energy into words. I’m an auditory person, obviously. Um, so like if I say, and I’ve decided to be, to accept where I am and how I feel, I’ve decided to accept myself anyway. I’ve decided to accept this unwanted reality and be tuning to. My curiosity, my savvy, my competence, my divine guidance, deciding is, uh, a stronger way of building the path.

[01:21:14] Sometimes that’s too strong. That’s why we use to, like, I intend to be calm and confident. I choose, I’m open to the possibility that is still like, laying out the path that you’re gonna take your energy, that’ll help you feel more calm and confident out of your primitive brain. But it’s, it’s not as like, and I’ve decided to be calm and confident anyway.

[01:21:39] Um, try that, putting a little bit more emphasis on and you know, even though this circumstance is not what I want, it’s not what I work toward, whatever, I’ve decided to be calm and confident anyway and maybe blend it with something else, something that feels true, resourceful. I’ve decided to activate my resourcefulness.

[01:22:03] I’ve decided to be ridiculously peaceful anyway, right now, for right now, that’s, uh, one of my favorites.

[01:22:18] So we’re at the end of our time and there’s more, there’s gonna be more. I’ve got a 30 year plan on this. We’re only in year like three. Um, why? Because this is juicy stuff. This is where we’re evolving, what it means to walk as a human with acceptance, that we’re a human animal. We can be startled. We can be triggered.

[01:22:40] We can have experiences that make us shaky. We’re re domesticating ourselves. I call it like building real skills. It’s like, oh, I used to get all shaky here, and now I’m a little less. I work on my preparation because it matters to me. Oh,

[01:23:01] I, I am so appreciative of our circle, and for those of you that, that really helped me and co-created with me by, by sharing vulnerably what was alive for you, uh, it helped me really feel more attuned to what’s going on in your life and, and where you’d like to be yourself. Ultimately, being calm and confident is me being me, having energy to put into what I value, what matters to me.

[01:23:33] Um, and I want that for, for us all with a lot of tolerance and compassion and empathy when we’re not. Cause you know, life happens. So I welcome your feedback, your questions, um, and we continue. In, we have two more real skills workshops scheduled for June already and um, yeah. Thank you. Thank you so much.

[01:24:04] Bye for now.

We covered…

  • The essential FELT aspects of calm and confident, how it is about finding a place where you feel neither limp nor rigid, where you energy is able to calm DOWN and your confidence rise UP.
  • It’s not about comparing your insides to someone else’s outsides. Your impression may not even be accurate and likely isn’t a match for how calm confidence will feel inside you.
  • Q&A
  1. How can I reignite my zest for life and potential?
  2. How can I maintain calm confidence when I don’t understand a situation?
  3. How can I avoid jumping to conclusions and trying to fix prolonged tough situations?
  4. How can I maintain calm and confidence when my decisions clash with others’ interests?
  5. How can I restore calm amidst economic collapse?
  6. How can I remain calm and confident when overwhelmed by anxiety?
  7. How can I appear confident when I’m actually frozen?
  8. How can I prevent the stress response from overpowering me?
  9. How can I feel calm and confident regardless of circumstances?

Resources Mentioned

  1. Free EFT Tapping Guide

  2. Thriving Now Emotional Freedom Circle

Great to have you on this journey with us!

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